Original subtitles

# I'm not sick but I'm not well

♪ And I'm so hot cos I'm in hell. ♪

'God, I'm nervous, I haven't seen Mark for six months.

'Hope he's not too horrible.

'Maybe he'll have forgotten I tried to steal his girlfriend.

'I pretty much have.'

'I'll never forget he tried to steal my girlfriend.

'But I won't mention it tonight, can't ruin Super Hans' stag.

'I've reached acceptance.

'With the aid of a self-help CD I loathe, I've reached acceptance.

'Oh, my God, there he is.'

'Here we go, Mr Big, the ex-provider of my cheddar.'

'Relax, no recriminations on the stag.

'I haven't had a night out for months,

'no recriminations on the stag.'

Hello...Jeremy. Mark.

Good to see you. Likewise, I'm sure. So...

'Going to relax this shit out with a lean.'

Yeah, so...howz youz? I'm most content.

Right, that's good that you're happy.

I mean, obviously not that happy, since Dobby moved to New York.

'Ugh! I did recriminations on the stag.' Yeah, right.

'The Elephant Man never forgets.'

Well, this is it. Super Hans' stag.

Hard hats on, time to descend into the depths of depravity.

Oi-oi, it's Snoopy and the Red Baron,

come in, you pair of fucking carb-loaders.

The base juices are all paid for, lads, so choose your

fucking additions and let's detox till we've got mega cocks.

'Oh, my God, he's cleaned up for the wedding.

'Iggy's gone to rehab - Sober Hans!'

'This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed,

'Which? magazine-approved, childproof,

'high-vitamin fucking bullshit.'

(Jez, do you think at some point soon it's going to start to degenerate?)

..antioxidants.

Oh, here we go, lads, more juice.

Delicious, Hans, I'm just not sure how much more juice

I can manage, to be honest.

Yeah, after you've had three or four really big juices... Whatever.

So listen, I thought we would hang here for a bit, have a little stroll

down Oxford Street, take in the funny T-shirts,

hit one of my fave Prets,

more juice, bit of a relax, then this avo - shopping, relax,

juice, and then Tussauds.

They've got a new waxwork of Zoella and some other wicked YouTubers.

Sound tasty?

(When do you think it'll degenerate?)

(I would think it'll degenerate soon.)

'Oh, pissing pure Innocent smoothie,

'there's no way we can talk more about juice.'

See, the thing about juice from most places is you get all the fibre

and most of the vitamins, but if it's been pasteurised

a fucklot of the micronutrient content has been neutralised.

Oh, no, I don't think so, love, we're not...

Did one of you jokers order this? Sorry, wrong table.

Unless, erm... One little siparoo?

No, mate, no! No.

What, just to wet the whistle?

Exactly, just to wet the whistle.

If it's just to wet the whistle...

'That's right, get that big, old whistle really nice and wet.'

Mm. That is quite refreshing.

♪ Oh, I just want to fuck and suck Fuck and suck... ♪

Everyone!

ALL: # I just want to fuck and suck all the whole night through. #

♪ I love cocaine I love cocaine... ♪

Like, I'm really passionate about my art, but I'm stuck working here,

and it's like, when is it going to happen for me, you know?

Probably never. Right.

What are your actual chances of making a living as an artist?

I don't know, like, not very high? Exactly. Not very high.

Jez, I want to go full horrible. Take me to the nasties.

All in good time, Hans.

Look, I'm a life coach,

so when I say sometimes you have to kill a dream to follow a dream,

that's advice backed by a professional standards body.

'Mm, I've said "body", she'll be thinking about my body.'

'Scuse me there, mate. Fuck off! I heard The Strokes before you.

Ha! It DID degenerate.

I knew it would.

I want Molly. I love Molly! She's not here, Hans.

All right, you're home now, let's get you on the futon.

Sleep it off. I fucking hate a futon.

Everyone does, but they're indestructible,

so we are stuck with them.

You're living here with Super Hans and his fiancee, the three of you

in their tiny flat?

Yep. Oh, yep. So where do you...? Come on through.

It's a great space, extremely versatile.

This is...your room? The humidity is actually great for my chest.

I mean, it's not number one Hyde Park Palace,

but it suits me down to the ground.

'This is the most pathetic sight known to man.'

I think of it as a sunken bed.

Yeah, that's probably a good way to think of it.

Don't even need to leave the tub.

Drink from the tap, and when I need to,

just push the bag down, bang - the bog's right there.

Just kneel and piss directly down the plughole. It's my system.

Ah, OK, that's a good...

system. And you haven't even seen the kitchen.

I love it. Clever.

You've got a great set-up here.

'Mmm, toilet toast.' Jez, I need to...

Oh, right, yeah, no problem, wicked. Will it be a longy or a shorty?

A... No worries, you decide. Take your time.

That is the one small downside, but it's cool.

Right, well, you probably want to turn in.

Once Super Hans has finished his disgusting business.

I'll see you around.

'There he goes, my other half, my better half, 'er indoors.'

Mark, we need to talk, there's something I need to say to you.

'Finally! Let the apologathon commence.'

SUPER HANS WHIMPERS

No, it's going to be a longy! But maybe not here.

'"Sorry, Mark. I'm sorry."

'So simple, and yet it feels like if I say it,

'I might actually die.

'OK, no need for an apology now, I'm back in.

'We'll just pick up where we left off.'

Jez, this is Jerry. Jerry, Jez.

Jerry? Jerry's a colleague from the bank. The bank?

I work at a bank now, Johnson got me in.

Johnson? Yep! And he's off the sauce.

Erm, unless you count tomato sauce.

Yes, he certainly likes a lot of tomato sauce on his chips!

HE CHUCKLES

Jerry moved in a few weeks back. Yeah, I've just split from my ex.

She was a miner from Moldova. A gold miner!

So me and Mark are the Rebound Brothers. Boing!

LESS ENTHUSIASTIC: Boing.

'The El Dude Brothers trump the Rebound Brothers,

'you total fucking arsehole.'

I'm the new improved you.

FORCED LAUGH

LAUGHTER STOPS

MARK CLEARS HIS THROAT

He's using my mug, Mark. They're all my mugs, Jez.

Jerry's a William Morris fan, we both are.

"Have nothing in your room that you do not believe to be beautiful

"or know to be useful."

'I don't know why, but I HATE Jerry.'

Hey, that's my duvet! I don't think so.

So, what was it you wanted to say?

I've got work in the morning so I'd quite like to get to bed.

'Watch him grovel live, while I swirl a brandy

'and hold a breadstick like a big cigar.'

'I'm out, Jerry's in - apology redundant.'

Pretty sure that IS my duvet.

That's it? That's it.

You don't perhaps wish to play the classic board game "Sorry!" No.

I'll give you a twatting at Operation if you like.

Or we could hunt for YouTube clips of the Ronnie Corbett sitcom "Sorry!"

while we ate some... 'Bit much?'

..sorrel soup.

Look, Mark, I know what you're getting at, but the fact is,

that day with Dobby I had a... a medical brain attack.

I've got a note from the doctor, somewhere.

If I can find the bloody thing! Right.

You are not to blame for anything? Well, fine. Goodnight.

I'll see you around, no doubt.

'Fine, I'll go, but before I do, I'm reclaiming the Falklands.'

What are you doing? Taking my duvet, if that's cool.

No, it's not cool, Jerry needs it, it's not yours.

Fuck Jerry, it's mine! Jeremy, this isn't normal!

It is, it's all totally normal!

'There he goes, duvet cape man off to his toilet kitchen.'

'Another night in the bath.

'I really don't think you could call my life a failure,

'look at that, I've got a sleeping bag AND a duvet.'

KNOCK ON DOOR

'If this was the olden days, I'd be a billionaire.'

Jez, I'm fucked, Molly found a wrap of coke in me pocket.

Oh, man, so you're in the shit. Yeah.

Well, no, I had to say it was yours, so...

you're in the shit. You take the hit for me, mate? Please.

She'll break it off if she finds out I've been coke-ing.

Jeremy? Is it true? The coke? Yes, yes, it's mine.

I brought some coke to the stag, even though Hans asked me

not to, and... But he refused to have any. Yeah.

He was like, "Come on!" And I was like, "No, no."

Why was it in his pocket?

Because he took it off me. Why? Why?

Because he was trying to...

spike people and drug little kids, and I was like, "No way, dude."

Jez... Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a spiker, it's just one of my things.

Yeah, he was like, "Let's spike these shitheads",

and I was like, "No way." I couldn't see that happen. Spiking.

I guess I'm just a terrible, terrible shithead.

Look, we've put up with a lot with you staying here...

Yeah. ..but I think if we want the lifestyle we want...

Yeah, look, sorry, Jez, but you're a bad influence,

and, eh...I think you need to leave.

Can't I stay one more night? After everything I've done for you?

Not just in the past, but like, REALLY RECENTLY.

I'm sorry, Jez, but you broke... You broke our trust.

You're a liar, and a pervert, and a scumbag,

and I never want to see you again.

'Finally working at a bank,

'and banks have turned into phone shops.

'But it is still a bank.' HE CHUCKLES

'I'm the Wolf of Wall Street.

'Look out, Boots! I'm going to by 100 meal deals

'and eat them off a prossie in the nude.'

Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?

Yeah, great, actually, old pal. Oh, really?

I thought you might be feeling like a guy

who's just walked into a high-class restaurant

with a sausage dog on the end of his dick. Er, no.

I got something up all my visual display unit this morning, Mark.

I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog shit.

Then I took a closer look,

and I realised it was actually your sales record. Oh.

Right. I pulled strings to get you in, Mark.

If you look like a sausage dog fucker,

then I look like a sausage dog fucker. Do you get me?

'Got to get my dick out of the dog.'

Someone didn't get enough tomato sauce on his bacon butty.

Ha, yeah, he certainly needs a little more sauce.

'Ugh, just repeating the joke. I need to elaborate on the conceit!

'But too worried about redundancy.'

Hello, how hard can I shaft you today?

'Jerry's sales record shits on mine. I need to sell a loan.

'Fuck, where's a good old-fashioned gullible idiot when you need one?'

Mark?

I felt a bit bad about the other night, so I got you a biscuit.

I mean, they call them cookies,

but I know you prefer me to call it a biscuit.

Uh-huh. The good thing is that to get, say, ?3,000,

you'd pay just 21% APR.

Is that good? It's pretty good, yeah.

And, er, you'd only need to repay 2% of the capital a month.

'If you want the loan to last 184 years.'

Three grand? Free? It's not quite free...

But I get it without having to give you anything?

Yes. So basically, it is free, really.

MARK CHUCKLES

Yes, you've winkled me out. It is basically free.

And the interesting thing about you

is that you'd actually qualify as an F6. That sounds good.

It's a credit rating especially for people like you.

'The terminally ill and criminals who might flee to Thailand.'

Ooh, I've got a credit rating! Yes, you have, Jez.

You have.

And to qualify for this loan,

all you need is a reference from a landlord

or a former landlord.

'Would you like to play capitalism?'

Great. And now I'm all signed up,

could we have a chat about living arrangements?

Yeah, I've moved out of Hans'.

So yeah, I'm considering something really exciting -

a night in one of the Royal Parks.

Unless... 'Homeless Jeremy. No!

'Harden the heart! I'm moving on.'

Look, Jez, you wouldn't want to live with me and Jerry.

We're stick-in-the-muds who like nothing better

than watching Civilisation with Kenneth Clark

whilst eating artichokes and sea bream.

No, great, good. I'll be fine in the park

till the loan comes through. Anyway, thanks.

'There goes the first beat of the butterfly wing

'that starts the next financial meltdown.'

HE YAWNS

6:45. There's a lot of evening, isn't there?

Without the goggle box. Maybe we should treat ourselves.

Get back to the William Morris documentary. Um, yeah.

Brilliant. 'Ugh, more William Morris!

'Wallpaper and worker's rights. God, this is like the Dark Ages.

'Centuries and centuries with nothing to look forward to except

'the slim possibility a Viking might break down the door and rape me.'

'Crush! Crush the candy.

'So relentless, so satisfying yet unsatisfying.

'Like Cleopatra, Candy Crush makes hungry where most she satisfies.

HE CHUCKLES

'Crushing candy, quoting Shakespeare, hiding in a toilet in my own home.

'This is the confused high point of Western civilisation.'

Are you OK there, Mark?

Oh, fine, thanks, Jerry. Shouldn't be too much longer now.

Take your time, mate. I've paused it.

'ARRRGH! Thought I'd killed 20 minutes of Morris, but no!'

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hello, Mark. Got time for a chat?

Er... 'Could just shut the door?'

Maybe you'd better come in for a minute.

'Has he read the loan small print?

'Yeah, right. He doesn't read the large print.

'But he might protect me temporarily from Morris.'

'Look out, Mark. My brain's got something in it,

'and you don't know what something.'

Quite like to get back to my reading, so...

Yes, so, Mark, did you know that every time you play Candy Crush

on your phone you sent out a Facebook invitation?

'Fucking Facebook! Zuckerberg's fucked me again, that arsehole.'

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

I don't think you know your settings very well.

You're pumping out invites every time you play.

Perhaps I was hacked. That happens a lot. It could.

Mm. It just tends to happen to people who have just sent

pictures of their cock on Twitter. They're all hacked.

Well, I can't think of any other explanation.

Look, the problem for you is

I'm your friend. I know you, Mark.

I know you like to pretend that you're this stuffed shirt

who reads incredibly boring books about dead people killing each other

with bayonets and typhoid, but I know the truth.

I've watched Grand Designs with you.

That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on its way

from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget.

That's the real you. 'It wasn't Antwerp, it was Freiburg.'

You're this pathetic human who likes Twirls and Downton

and Bond and burgers,

so don't come the big guy with me,

because it won't fucking wash.

Mark, the embroidery is over.

It's back onto the gold - Rossetti and the seizures.

'I do want Octopussy and a Twirl,

'but I'm not giving him the satisfaction.'

Shall we? After you. I'm interested.

Well, if you are going to stick around, you might want to get a book out.

Yeah, well, I haven't got Mr Nice with me.

You're reading Mr Nice AGAIN? There's a hell of a lot to it.

And when I read it I'm usually extremely high,

which makes it better, but also means

that I've forgotten most of it,

which is actually great, because then it never gets boring.

'Come on, nerd. Raise the drawbridge.

'King Jeremy's coming back to his castle.'

Lovely and warm in here.

'Oh, God, he's going for the thermostat.'

I take it you're a 23 degree guy, Terry? Jerry. Whatever.

Yes, I am. Mm. Must be awkward for Mark.

He's a real 21 degree-er.

'The Aldi Poirot with his CBBC magnifying glass.'

23 versus 21.

It's like Israel versus Palestine, isn't it? The endless beef.

There's really no possible compromise.

Mark and I often settle on 22. 22, yeah.

Good. That's good.

Both one degree uncomfortable.

Right, who wants a nice cup of the Kenco?

Jerry said he doesn't want coffee. He said he'd make his own later.

He said, like he was joking, that your coffee tastes like horse piss.

But I don't think he was really joking. Try a bit harder, Jeremy.

And then he hit me. He did not hit you.

Look, Mark, you need to face facts. Jerry's a wanker.

Kick him out and kick me back in. No. Why not? No reason.

Is this the Dobby thing?

No. But is it? Of course it's the fucking Dobby thing. I knew it!

You tried to profess your love to my girlfriend

who I was trying to propose to. You fucked up my life!

So? What do you want me to do?

I want you to apologise! Fine!

Obviously I think we're both very sorry about what happened. No dice.

IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm really, really sorry, Mark.

Say it properly, Jeremy!

IN A SCOUSE ACCENT: I'm sorry. Nope. All right, fine.

I admit I shouldn't have come on your picnic.

And?! What?!

Look, I'm sorry, all right? Finally!

And if you like I'll lay it on with a trowel

and tell you how I like you,

I value you... 'Oh, Jesus, he's going to say he loves me.'

And even... Apology accepted.

Well, thank you. Come on, Mark!

We're into Kelmscott Manor and the Icelandic landscape!

Maybe I do sometimes wonder about Jerry,

but I've made my bed, so I've just got to...

Well, maybe I can help with that.

'What's he doing?'

Mark, look, if you're really not into the Willie Morris doc,

why don't we change gear? The Sopranos?

Ruskin. Oh.

John Ruskin. Art patron, draughtsman,

watercolourist and philanthropist.

Yeah, listen, I'm afraid I have an announcement to make.

I've discovered that in order to keep himself interested with

all this garbage he pretends to like, Jerry drugs his head off.

Don't be pathetic. I saw you put something in your pocket.

I didn't like what I saw.

Coke, Mark. Jerry is a cokehead who loves to take coke.

No, you put that in there. I took it out,

which is a very, very different thing.

No, you put it in earlier. You put it in at an earlier time.

Oh, what a terrible thing to accuse me of! Come on, Mark.

Tell him to knack off and we'll get down to some Ruskin and a-readin'.

The thing is, Jerry, I'm not sure I could live with a drug head.

This is ridiculous. It's laughable.

Why are you trying to get rid of me, Mark? You don't believe him.

Maybe I'm not quite as interested in William Morris as I thought I was

when you first started to go on about him.

Why didn't you just say? I can't just say things, Jerry!

What if I don't want to go? Well, we can't go back now.

The atmosphere is soured.

We have no choice. No, I can live in a sour atmosphere.

Well, I can't. 'Yes, you bloody can.' Tough.

I'm going to go to MY bedroom now,

and I will be coming and going as I please.

What about going Litvinenko? Kill him?

With polonium? Not full Litvinenko.

Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night.

Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic

and you can just scoop him up like a sick whippet

and dump him. Um...

You might quite like tending him

as he grows weaker and weaker.

"Here's your tea, Jerry. God, you must get better soon."

"Oh, do sit up, Jerry,

"while I spoon you some more of this slightly silvery porridge."

THEY LAUGH

Should I keep my voice down? No, he's an irritatingly sound sleeper.

Earplugs and eye mask, the full lot.

Well, we could start by just moving his stuff out.

No. No, we couldn't.

Could we?

HE SNORES

WHISPERING: OK, we're nearly there. Last two.

This doesn't feel good. It's fine, Mark.

It's like a prank. Oi-oi.

How's the ethnic cleansing going?

Hans? I thought it might be a good idea to have some backup.

I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me.

You, you're a pure chrome dildo. Solid.

OK.

Everything's out. What now?

We could tie him to a hot-air balloon.

Then he would drift away out of the window.

Erm... You like that? The hot-air balloon?

Or...punch him? Hans? What you looking at me for?

You punch him. Maybe you could sit on him, intimidate him, yeah?

Fart on his face. Psychological warfare. Yeah, grind him down.

Attack his beliefs. Yeah. That, plus we fart.

What is this, farty Guantanamo?

No, I...

I think we have to wake him up, just tell him to leave, like men.

Or... He is sort of bagged for our convenience.

Hm! What? We could just...

bag him up and sling him out.

'I'm definitely going to agree to this.

'I just need to put up an acceptable level of objection

'so I can be all reproachful if it proves to be a disaster,

'which it almost certainly will.' No!

No way. No.

Well...

OK, but on your heads be it. Bag him, Hans.

Argh!

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got him. He's bagged.

You fucking... What's going on?! Sorry, pal.

You are surplus to requirements. Put him out.

I'm sorry, Jerry.

CRASH Argh! Ow!

Jez, I thought you were going to grab the other end.

That's the normal way. The normal way?

None of this is normal! I've got a verbal contract!

He doesn't. You don't, Jerry. Yes, I do!

Small claims court! I'm not part of this, Jerry.

Put him in the lift, Hans. The lift?

Fucking hell. You got a wheelbarrow?

Why are you doing this, Mark?

I want to read my Napoleon correspondence

AND watch Storage Hunters. Does that make me a bad person?

Don't put me in the lift! Stop wriggling.

Should I give him a kick? Don't kick him!

Do not kick me! Jerry, stay still.

This will all be over soon.

I'm being kidnapped! All good here. It's just a prank.

It's hijinks. We're the Croydon Bullingdon. It's not a prank!

Shush, Jerry.

I'm calling the police! Shut it or you're getting waterboarded.

Do not bloody waterboard me! I warned you.

Waterboard!

HE SPLUTTERS

This is horrible!

You two, seriously - you need to take a look at yourselves.

He's right! Offensive behaviour! In he goes.

This is against the Geneva Convention!

I'm contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau!

'I'm back, baby. The bitch is back.'

Bye, Jerry. See you at work tomorrow.