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1 ♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Hi, Rose. How's it going? Hi, Blanche.

God, I hate morning people.

Ever since I've been a candy striper,

I've been giving all my patients

the traditional St. Olaf fun pack.

Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap and sock puppets.

I like to pretend one of 'em's you

and one of 'em's Dorothy.

(imitates Blanche) Hi, Dorothy. How you feel?

(imitating Dorothy) Oh, woe is me.

I can't get a date.

Nobody asks me out. Woe is me. Woe -

Bad puppet.

Dorothy, how's Sophia doing?

Oh, she's resting. But a hernia is painful.

Well, honey, put your mind at ease.

The operation today is just a minor procedure.

And by the way, you have nothing to be guilty about.

What? I don't feel guilty.

Oh, Dorothy, good God.

You were cleaning out the garage

and you asked Sophia to move a sofa?

Don't start with me.

She is 84 years old,

and you're asking her to do the work of two men?

It was wicker, all right?

And the La-Z-Boy?

Leave her alone. I'm sure she feels bad enough.

Thank you, Rose. Honey, do we have any orange juice?

Sure. Would you like me to pour you a glass

or have Sophia come in and bring you the refrigerator?

Enough.

Pussycat, I moved that safe to the attic

like you asked me to.

Can I have food now?

Ma, you know I'm not giving you food,

because you're not supposed to eat or drink anything the day of an operation.

I'm not going to any hospital.

Sophia, I'm working on the admitting desk.

Does that make it less scary?

Oh, sure. In that case I'll get a boob job, too.

I'm not going. People die there. They go in, they don't come out.

Ma, that is not true. I'm still not going.

Sophia, you have to go. You can't just ignore your hernia.

Blanche is right. Right now it's very minor.

But honey, left untreated, it could be very serious.

Honey, a trip to the hospital is the best thing for you.

You think I'm stupid?

This scam has "Shady Pines" written all over it.

Ma, be serious.

We're all adults here. I see the way you've been eyeing my bedroom.

"Wouldn't a wet bar go great where the old lady is?"

Ma, that's ridiculous.

Why would I take you to Shady Pines when you have a hernia?

You took me there after I had a stroke.

I'm not getting anywhere. Blanche, you talk to her.

A wet bar. Blanche!

Look, Ma, I love you,

and I know what's best for you.

And besides, I don't want to feel pangs of guilt for the next 20 years

every time you say "Ow"

just because I once asked you to move a sofa.

I guess I have no choice.

I'm in agony. Did you hear that? Agony, Dorothy.

Sophia, don't worry. You made the right decision.

I was gonna give you this when you got to the hospital, but I'm too excited.

Here's your St. Olaf fun pack.

Thanks. All right, I'm going.

Here, Dorothy, you throw this out.

I'll push the car around the front.

All right. Let's see.

Who's next? Uh, number 43?

Thank you. OK, let's just fill out these forms.

Your name? Brother Martin.

Occupation? I'm a monk.

Oh, good. I almost wrote down "Trekkie."

What brings you to the hospital, Brother Martin?

Well, I don't enjoy talking about it,

but I hurt my knee dancing in my room.

Excuse me, but do I know you? You look awfully familiar.

I get that a lot. People say I look like Wilma Flintstone.

Not when she was on the air. More the way she looks today.

No, no, no. I-I can see that, too.

But you remind me of someone I used to know a long time ago.

I was cloistered in a small monastery

in St. Olaf, Minnesota.

Where every spring the ducks return?

If we remember to throw out the corn. You -

You know it?

I know it very well. I was born and raised in St. Olaf.

Well, this is extraordinary.

Did you know an Ingrid Kerclavaner?

You knew Ingrid?

She must have been 19.

She worked in the kitchen in the monastery.

Talked, talked, talked, talked. That's all she ever did.

We were a silent order, so that was very refreshing.

I suppose it was.

Shortly after that, Ingrid died in childbirth.

You know the story?

Oh, yes.

Late one night a basket was left at the local orphanage

containing hickory smoked cheese,

spicy beefsticks, a baby

and some kind of crackers that didn't go with anything.

Eventually, the Lindstroms took the baby.

And the beefsticks, 'cause that was the deal.

They named the baby Rose.

Did you know her - Rose Lindstrom?

Know her? You're looking at her.

The Lord certainly works in mysterious ways.

What do you know about your father?

There was a rumor that he was a clown with Ringling Brothers,

but I never believed it.

Just seemed too much to hope for.

Did you know him, too?

I've asked and I've asked.

I've never found anybody who could tell me about him.

Rose, I don't quite know how to put this,

but I'm your father.

My father?

I can't believe it. This really is the hospital.

Ma, you have a hernia.

Where'd you think I was taking you - Trampoline Village?

I told you, I thought you were taking me to Shady Pines.

I was beginning to look forward to the chicken à la king.

You really think I was trying to deceive you?

Well, I was, but I don't anymore.

Now I think you're trying to kill me.

Ma, I know you're frightened,

but do you think I would be pushing for this operation

if I believed there was any risk?

I don't know, my little beneficiary.

Oh, God.

What's wrong, Blanche?

Oh, there's a very handsome doctor coming this way.

Dorothy, listen, if he walks by,

just pretend we're having a conversation

and casually mention my unparalleled ability

to satisfy a man.

What, you don't think he's read the men's room wall?

Apparently not.

Wonder where Rose is? She said she'd be here.

Oh, Rose, we've been waiting for you.

Ro-Ro-Rose?

Oh, I'm sorry. I-I was distracted.

You're not going to believe it.

I just met my father, my natural father.

He's alive?

He's in Miami?

He's an earthling?

He just walked in. He's a monk.

Must be a pretty reformed order.

Come on. Let's get you signed in.

Are you sure you're up to this? Maybe you'd rather talk.

Oh, I'm OK. I can do this job without thinking.

OK. Name?

Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

Uh, Rose, I don't think you are up to this.

Now, where were we?

Name. Rose Nylund.

No, no, no. I'm fine.

Oh, here, Sophia, just sign this. I'll fill it in later.

It's a standard consent form,

releasing the hospital of responsibility.

Like if you're missing any jewelry or they kill you.

I'm not gettin' out of here alive.

Ma, will you calm down?

You are in the finest hospital in Florida.

Nothing is going to go wrong.

OK, Mrs. Petrillo, let's see if we can get you patched up, huh?

Here you go. Thank you, Rose.

Why is a woman your age moving furniture?

For food.

Right this way.

You make me sick.

Oh, I am just so relieved

that Ma came through that operation OK.

Yeah, she's a tough old woman.

Takes a lot more than someone like you to kill her.

Hi, Rose. You going back to the hospital?

Yes. I promised a friend I'd fill in for her tonight.

But it's the last place in the world I want to be.

Well, why, honey? Because of my father.

How would you feel if you found out your father was a celibate monk?

It's not so unusual.

Look, Rose, we don't necessarily get the parents we want.

We get the ones we're dealt.

When I was a little kid, I got angry with my mother and father,

and I imagined that I had different parents.

Who? Who? Well, it's really silly.

Come on. Who? Tell us.

Well, my dad was Errol Flynn

and my mother was Amelia Earhart.

I wanted Dad all to myself.

You know who my fantasy parents were?

Who, Blanche, Masters and Johnson?

Not my fantasy neighbors.

No, my fantasy mother was the Queen of England,

and then she died and I became queen.

And all the men were very happy

for all the obvious reasons.

And I looked cute on the money.

'Course, all the women were unhappy, but screw 'em.

I was queen.

I never worried about who my fantasy parents were.

I only worried about who my real parents were.

Imagine, a monk who'd taken a vow of silence.

I mean, they made love,

and he never even called her the next day.

Oh, Rose, I know you're disappointed.

But honey, confront your father. Tell him how you feel.

At least you'll have some kind of relationship.

Right now you have nothing.

I'm luckier than you 'cause I had a father,

a wonderful father whom I loved dearly.

But right now you have an opportunity I would give anything for -

just to have ten minutes more with Big Daddy.

Oh, to hear that sweet old husky voice once more...

"They're admittin' who to my country club?"

Aw, there's a difference, Blanche.

That bigot was there for you.

(phone ringing)

Hello? Yes, this is her daughter.

No, she's not here. I-I left her with you.

I was told that she'd be in recovery till -

Never mind! I'm on my way!

What's the matter? They've lost my mother!

Dorothy. Wait up. Will you wait a minute? You just walk so fast.

I am in a hurry. It's not sexy.

Well, it's not.

(ringing bell)

A woman should take little delicate steps

as if to say, "Yes, I may be slower than you,

but maybe I'm worth waitin' for."

It is the middle of the night. My mother is missing.

I am scared to death and I'm trying to find a doctor.

You'll have to excuse me

if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.

Well, now, look, Dorothy, I'm scared, too. I'm terrified.

Sophia's practically my mother, too.

If we don't find her, I don't know how I'm gonna respond.

But I'd like to think I'm not gonna be any less sexy.

You're just a great big pile of estrogen, aren't you?

Oh, where is Dr. Warren? This is insane.

Where do doctors go in the middle of the night?

Their call rooms are up on the 12th floor,

but... you have to take the back stairs to get to 'em.

Unless you have that special key for the main elevator.

I'm guessin'.

Where am I?

I must be dead.

Is this heaven?

Sal? Is that you, Sal?

Sorry, ma'am. Who's Sal?

My husband. He's been waiting for me up here for a long time.

Boy, you're pretty young. What brings a guy like you up here?

A lunatic. I'm a police officer.

I was working a political rally at the Civic Center

when this madman pulls out a revolver

and starts blasting away from the roof.

I took a bullet pulling a baby carriage out of the line of fire.

How 'bout you? Same.

Pardon me, but what are you doing in here all by yourself?

Who are you? Are you an angel?

I'm the guy that shaves everybody.

Amazing. That's not even mentioned in the Bible.

Heaven sure isn't what I expected.

Heaven? Ma'am, you're on an elevator in a hospital.

You mean I'm alive? Very much so.

Then what am I doing in here?

That's what I was asking.

Tell you what, ma'am. I'll call Patient Care. They'll send somebody.

(bell dings)

This is our floor. Good luck.

By the way, I'll be thinking of you.

Guys like you make it safe for old ladies like me to walk the streets.

I don't get the connection, ma'am, but thank you.

I'm glad you stopped by to visit me.

This is not a visit. It's part of my job.

Far as I'm concerned, you're just another patient.

A monk with my nose.

Rose, I realize this is a lot to deal with all of a sudden.

You must have so many questions.

Just one, actually.

Will you be having the halibut or the chicken Kiev?

Boy, you're really angry, aren't you?

"Where has this louse been all these years?"

But I assure you, there's an explanation.

Halibut.

I'm sure there is.

I'll bet you're quite a smooth-talker.

I'm sure it wasn't the uniform that my mother fell for.

Broccoli or creamed corn?

Rose, you're terribly upset.

Corn, please.

I'm not upset. I couldn't care less.

I guess I owe you an explanation.

You owe me a lot more than that.

Why didn't you ever come to visit me?

I stayed away because I thought my appearing out of nowhere

would've been more than you could handle.

Shouldn't it be up to me to decide what I can and can't handle?

No, Rose. Not up to me, either.

It's up to the man who brought us together today.

The intern in the paper shoes?

No, Rose. The Lord Almighty.

All these years of wondering and-and hurting.

But now, by His bringing us together,

I believe He's forgiven me.

My mother - did you love her?

Yes, very, very much. But then the abbot found out.

Bud Abbott?

Sure'd be nice if you got one of these right.

No, Rose, the abbot.

He told me I had to choose between the church and your mother.

I chose God.

I think I have His forgiveness.

Now, more than anything, I'd like your forgiveness.

I don't know.

Lime Jell-O with pears or fresh lemon meringue pie?

Pie.

We don't have any. We never did.

Now we're even.

Oh, any luck? What?

Have you found her?

Yes, Blanche. About a half-hour ago.

But now I've hidden her again, so you can find her.

The Dow was down again today.

I told my broker to short all my high-tech holdings

and put it into triple-A bonds and precious metals.

Hey, you sound like doctors.

Do you think you can find out why I was left on this elevator?

You were just left here? What's your name?

Read it yourself, right here on the bracelet.

"Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People."

Petrillo's the name. Sophia Petrillo.

Can you get me outta here?

OK, OK. Who is your insurance company?

Lloyd's of London.

What do I look like? I'm on Medicare.

We'll tell the desk. They'll send somebody.

(bell dings)

(bell dings)

Oh, you're up.

Rose?

While you were sleeping, I've been thinking,

and there's something I really have to know.

You said you chose God.

How could you do that when it meant giving up your own child?

I never knew there was a child.

It was only after you were living with the Lindstroms

that I found out what happened to Ingrid.

By then, I didn't want to interfere with your new life.

I'm sorry.

You don't need to be sorry.

I... In fact, I should thank you. For what?

For giving me life. Oh, and it's been a great one.

I mean, the Lindstroms were wonderful parents.

I had a wonderful husband, I have beautiful children.

And I owe it all to you.

I have grandchildren?

Yes. And I'll bet they'd love to know you.

Oh, my. So would I.

(door opens)

Rose, have you seen my mother?

Dad, these are my roommates Dorothy and Blanche.

Very pleased to meet you. Hello there.

Rose has told me all about you two.

I know it's a little late for me to start acting like a father,

but do you think you two could stop hitting my little girl

with a newspaper?

We'll try. We'll try.

You'll have to excuse us. Rose, maybe you can help.

We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.

Maybe she's lost.

Attagirl, Rose. You finally got one.

Very nice meeting you, sir. ...bye-bye.

Thanks, Dad.

Dorothy, you don't have to go through with this.

I never thought I'd be looking for my mother in the morgue.

Oh, I can't believe the last words I said to her were, "Shut up, Zulu."

(bell dings)

I just wish it was me that was lost instead of Ma.

You'd be a lot easier to find.

Ma! Oh, Ma.

We've been worried sick about you. Easy. Easy! Easy.

Not healed. Not healed! Not healed.

Where've you been? What are you doin' on this elevator?

I'm into easy listening. How the hell should I know?

What difference does it make? We found you.

Oh, what a day this has been.

I found my father. You found your mother.

And I found you can't give a sponge bath without the patient's consent.

Ma, I'm so sorry about everything.

I'm sorry I asked you to move that sofa.

I'm sorry that you're sick.

I swear I'll never ask you to move furniture again.

Oh, God, I'm just so happy you're safe.

Speaking of God, I made a little promise

that if He got me through this operation alive,

I would tell you the truth about how I got this hernia.

You mean, not from lifting up the sofa?

Oh, please, it's wicker.

A few of us gals thought it would be funny to put Gladys' VW on the lawn

while she was having her feet sanded.

And that's why I'm on this gurney, Pussycat.

Ma, it's OK. As long as I found you.

Rose, push "Morgue."