Original subtitles

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1 (music) Thank you for being a friend

(music) Traveled down the road and back again

(music) Your heart is true

(music) You're a pal and a confidante

(music) And if you threw a party

(music) Invited everyone you knew

(music) You would see The biggest gift would be from me

(music) And the card attached would say

(music) Thank you for being a friend (music)

Hi, Sophia. Ooh, what you making?

Lasagna al forno.

Smells delicious.

Yeah. My great Aunt Nicolinda used to say,

"Making lasagna al forno is like crossing a river.

"If you roll up your pants, don’t be surprised

if you find clams nipping at your heels."

- What’d she mean? - How should I know?

She was a hopeless alcoholic.

- Here. Have a taste. - Ooh.

Hi, girls. How did the audition for the play go?

Awful. We just got two tiny parts.

We’re doing Sound of Music,

and Blanche didn’t get the lead.

I can’t believe you weren’t cast in the lead.

You’ve gotten it the past five years.

They hired a new director, and he has no taste.

Blanche used to sleep with the old one.

The new director’s gay.

A gay theater director. Did you ever hear of such a thing?

It’s absolutely shocking.

Next thing you know they’ll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Ma, you are making lasagna al forno.

What is the occasion?

There’s no occasion. I just know it’s your favorite.

- [Doorbell rings] - I'll get it.

This takes 12 hours to make. What do you want?

Nothing. And it takes 16.

The only time you make lasagna al forno is for funerals and favors.

You’re not wearing black, so what do you want?

Nothing. Dorothy, you’re a sick,

suspicious, paranoid person.

Stan, my favorite ex-son-in-law.

Oh! God! Stanley, what the hell are you doing here?

Don’t talk to him like that. I invited him.

- What? - I love your toupee, Stanley.

- Is it new? - Yeah.

The guy at the shop calls it the Dan Rather model.

You think it makes me look more intellectual?

Oh, absolutely. By the way, Stanley, your fly is open.

- I'm so embarrassed. - Don’t worry about it.

I hear that Dan Rather has the same problem.

That’s why he sits behind a desk.

Ma, listen, I want some answers.

Now, why did you prepare my favorite meal

and then invite my least favorite person

to come eat it with us?

All right. All right. I need a favor.

Remember my brother Angelo? He was at your wedding.

He’s a priest who lives in Sicily.

He’s going to Brooklyn next week

and insisted on stopping off in Miami one day

to wish you two a happy 40th wedding anniversary.

But we’re not married anymore.

Which brings me to the lasagna al forno.

I want you to pretend you’re still married

and that we’re all living here.

I will not take part. The institution of marriage is sacred.

- I’ll give you 50 bucks. - Okay.

Dorothy, it’s only for one afternoon.

It’ll break your uncle’s heart if you’re divorced.

Ma, forget it. We’re divorced because Stanley cheated on me.

He is a loathsome, repulsive creature.

Even the thought of pretending to be married makes me ill.

Fine, but I'm still staying for dinner.

If you don’t do this, I'll never speak to you again.

- I don’t care. - I’ll invite Stan over every night.

How bad can it be? It’s just for the day.

Blanche, I just pressed our costumes.

I’m nervous about the rehearsal tonight.

What do you say we go over our lines again.

Sure.

Can we take it from the top of scene three?

I’m standing on the balcony of the von Trapp home

listening to artillery shells bursting in the distance,

and you come running on from upstage.

- Okay. You ready? - Yes.

The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!

Everybody, grab a gun and go in the basement!

Come on!

Move.

No, no, no, no.

Sophia, now, just relax.

We’re just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.

Oh, thank God.

Whooo, it is really coming down.

What’s coming down?

The Liberace marquee at Caesar’s Palace.

Rain! Rain, Rose!

Where is that idiot Stan?

Angelo will be here any minute.

I don’t know where he is. Stan’s always late.

He was late for our first date.

And then you were late.

[Doorbell rings]

Which is why you had to marry that stupid, lazy, no-good,

pinhead of a... prince.

This man is a prince. Come in, Stan.

I’m sorry I’m late.

The rain really tied up the traffic. Hi, girls.

- Hi. - Hi.

Hello, Mama Bear.

Papa Bear’s back in the cave.

I could vomit just looking at you.

[Doorbell rings]

That must be Angelo. You two go put the back.

He can’t see you here. Go ahead. Go. Go.

Angelo!

Sophia!

You look terrific.

You haven’t changed a bit in 40 years.

Angelo, you’re a priest. You shouldn’t lie.

Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.

Before the trip, I said an extra 50 Hail Marys

in case I felt like a-cutting a-loose.

Dorothy!

Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you.

Dorothy, you know something?

You look more beautiful now

than you did on your wedding day.

You just used up all 50 Hail Marys on that one.

Stanley, you’re still a funny guy.

You got a sense of humor still, huh?

He still make you laugh?

Not really. But then again, I haven’t seen him naked lately.

Would you listen to those two. Always with the quips.

So, tell me, how are the children?

Oh, Uncle Angelo, they’re all grown up.

How nice.

Kate is an interior decorator in New York,

and Michael is a very successful musician.

Michael didn’t want go in the novelty business with me.

Yes. It was a crushing blow

when he decided to join the Boston Philharmonic

instead of selling rubber dog poop door-to-door.

Don’t knock the novelty business, snookums.

Rubber dog poop and joy buzzers provided nicely for you, the kids...

And several stewardesses.

Stewardesses?

Uh, they adopted them.

After Asian babies, they’re the most popular.

Ma, could I please see you in the kitchen?

Hurry back, Mama Bear.

Papa Bear gets lonely without you.

Ow!

Things are going very nicely.

I am going to tell Uncle Angelo the truth.

It’s only for a couple of hours more.

I can’t do it. Pretending we’re married, acting as though nothing happened

is making me crazy.

It’s time to take my heart medicine.

You need water to take your pill?

No pills. I’ll take a shpt of Scotch, 12 years old,

if you’ve got it.

Uncle Angelo, I have a confession to make.

Good. I get my Scotch, and we go in the closet.

No, it’s about Stan and me.

You know something, Dorothy?

On your wedding day,

Sophia told me, she said your marriage is never gonna last.

That made me very sad.

And now I see you and Stan so happy after all these years,

it does an old man’s heart good.

And so does-a that.

Uncle Angelo...

I’m so glad I disobeyed doctor’s orders

and risked this long trip

to see the both of you so much in love.

Now, what were you saying?

Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say...

Well, don’t just stand there, Papa Bear.

Come give Mama Bear a big bear hug.

Can I get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo?

- No, thank you. - I’ll take a slice, darling.

No problem, sweetheart.

Hurry back, dumpling.

My feet have wings, barf bag.

Dorothy, please, hang in there.

A little while longer, Angelo will be on a plane for Brooklyn.

I wish I'd taken my raincoat.

Why are you two dressed like that?

These are our costumes for the play, Dorothy.

We were in the middle of rehearsal when they told us to go home.

There’s a hurricane heading for Miami.

I will take a slice of cake.

Hello.

Uncle Angelo, I’d, uh,

like you to meet, uh... uh...

I’m Sister Rose.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

- I’m Sister Blanche. - Glad to meet you.

We’re here, uh, collecting...

lingerie...

for needy sexy people.

The airports are closed. There’s a hurricane headed this way.

They want everyone to stay where they are.

That means we could be trapped together for days.

Oh, Jesus!

Please protect us and watch over us

in this our hour of need.

Amen.

Boy, it’s really coming down put there.

I've never been through a hurricane before.

There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ve been through hurricanes.

Actually, they could be kind of fun.

I remember one when I was married.

- Married? - Mary.

I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent.

Remember that, Sister Rose?

Oh, my, yes. Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

She’d have to be to make anyone believe she was a virgin.

Stanley, you’re a pig in a cheap suit.

- You know, for two cents... - You could get a better toupee?

I’ve had enough. I’m not going on with this anymore.

Angelo, look. St. Francis of Assisi.

Shut up and play ball, you yutz.

False alarm. Never mind. Let’s all go to bed.

Angelo, you can sleep in my room.

Well, won’t it be crowded?

Please. In Sicily, we slept four in a bed.

Yeah, but there’s six of us.

I meant just you and me.

Oh-hp! Fancy.

[Dorothy] Oh, come on. Let’s go to bed.

Yeah. I’m beat.

- Me, too. - Me, too.

Me, too.

- [Stan] Ow! - [Door slams]

[Knocking]

Who is it?

It’s Uncle Angelo.

Come in.

Dorothy, would you do me a favor?

Oh, of course, Uncle Angelo. Anything.

I want you to sleep with this man.

Forget it.

Please, I’m a-begging you as a man of the cloth.

Now I know how Jessica Hahn must have felt.

Look, I’m sorry, Uncle Angelo. We had a fight.

I know, and I wanna go to bed.

So you two kids, please make up.

Fine. Fine. We’re made up.

Thank you. Good night. Sweet dreams.

[Clears throat]

I know it’s been a while, but control yourself.

I need some rest.

- What is that for? - You’re not getting into this bed.

- Where am I supposed to sleep? - On the floor like any dog.

Fine. Stan Zbornak doesn’t have to beg a woman to get into bed.

Women come to me.

Yeah. After they get the approval number on your MasterCard.

- Good night. - Oh, shut up.

[Laughing]

Stanley, if you’re doing what I think you’re doing, you’re in big trouble.

I was remembering the first time you kicked me put of bed

and I had to sleep on the floor.

Emil Zuntz's Hidden Honeymoon Hideaway in the Poconos.

Where every cottage is April in Paris.

And every bathroom Calcutta in July.

[Stan laughing]

You remember how I convinced you to let me back in?

No.

(music) I've got a

(music) Crush on you

(music) Sweetie pie

(music) All the day and nighttime

(music) Hear me sigh (music)

Stanley Zbornak, I don’t believe that you’re trying to charm me.

- Is it working? - I don’t think so.

You leave me no choice. I’ll have to pull put the big gun.

You’re wasting your time, Stanley. I’m familiar with the big gun.

Here goes.

(music) Embrace me

(music) My sweet embraceable you

(music) Embrace me

(music) You irreplaceable you (music)

Dorothy! Dorothy, I just had a terrible nightmare.

- Ma, what was it? - This.

Break it up.

Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall.

Try to climb over me, and you’ll know

what barb wire between your legs feels like.

Gotcha.

Dorothy, how did this start?

- Cole Porter? - Gershwin.

Thank God I came in time.

- [Phone rings] - I’ll get it.

Hello.

Hi, Walter. How are you?

Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat, too.

Oh! Walter, you naughty boy.

Keep on talking.

What am I wearing?

Well, to be perfectly honest, a nun’s outfit.

Oh! That sounds good to me. Uh-huh.

I’ll be over there just as soon as this storm lets up.

Uh-huh.

He’s a leper.

I’m the only one who'll touch him.

Good morning, everyone.

- Good morning. - I’ll make breakfast.

It’s such a shame, you two stuck here on your 40th anniversary.

- Stuck with us. - Fortieth anniversary?

Sure. Today’s the 25th, isn’t it?

Yes. Yeah, I guess it is.

I remember when my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary.

They did the cutest thing.

They renewed their marriage vows.

You two should do that.

You’ve got a priest right here. It’ll be perfect.

It’s sweet. It’s romantic. It’s spontaneous.

It’s the dumbest idea I've ever had.

I think it’s a great idea.

- What? - What?

Snookums, could I see you in the living room?

Sure.

What the hell is wrong with you? Are you put of your mind?

Dorothy, just hear me put.

The last two days, you and me being here

brought back a lot of good memories.

Last night when you and I were in bed together, I felt something.

That was my mother’s knee.

Besides that.

There was still some of the old magic there.

Look, I know we loused things up the last time.

I loused things up.

But now we have a chance to give it another try.

Babe, I missed you.

I wanna go through with the ceremony.

Then we’ll go down to city hall and make it legal.

- Stan... - Dorothy, it’s fate.

Divine intervention. The hurricane. Us pretending we’re married.

If God didn’t want us together, he would never have sent a priest.

I’m not a priest.

Angelo, what do you mean you’re not a priest?

I cannot go on with this deception any longer.

I can’t marry you. I’m not a priest. I never was.

Uncle Angelo, what are you talking about?

I gotta sit down.

Let me tell you a story.

Picture it:

Sicily, 1914.

I promised our dear sainted mother on her deathbed

I’m-a gonna join the priesthood.

On my way to the seminary in Palermo,

I stop off in a local trattoria for a glass of Chianti.

The waitress bring drink to the table...

is a vision.

Luscious lips,

full bosom...

and a behind so round, so firm,

you got to fall down on your knees

and cry put at its magnificent regal beauty.

I’m a butt man.

Anyway, my devotion to God doesn’t waver.

But suddenly, the idea

of living with a bunch of guys in itchy robes

doesn’t seem quite as appealing

as that tuckus.

So I tear up my priest application,

ask Filomena to marry me,

and we lived the next 72 years in wedded bliss.

Why did you keep it a secret all these years?

I was afraid my family gonna turn on me

they find put I broke a promise to Mama on her deathbed.

I promised Mama I’d marry Benito,

the town’s organ grinder monkey hat manufacturer.

- And you didn’t do it? - Please.

I loved my mother dearly, but I had my own life to live.

You did, too, Angelo.

- Can you ever forgive me? - Oh, of course, Uncle Angelo.

Actually, we’ve all been deceitful, too.

Stanley and I are divorced. I hope you’re not disappointed.

No. I’m thrilled. I never liked him. He’s a yutz.

And we’re not really nuns.

We’re actually gorgeous private citizens.

- Now I’m confused. - Come to the kitchen.

I’ll fix you some breakfast and explain the whole thing.

Look, everybody. The storm’s letting up.

I’m gonna run right over to Walter’s.

Aren’t you gonna change?

No.

It’s still pretty windy.

I’m gonna go outside and see if I can get airborne.

Well, I’d better get going, too.

Uh, Stan.

About what you said.

Hey, Dorothy, uh, I was kidding.

It was a joke.

That’s what I figured.

Well, you didn’t think I meant it, did you?

- Well, no. Of course not. - Of course not.

I'm strictly cheerleaders, wild parties, and hot tubs.

Stan, before I forget,

a deal’s a deal.

Here’s your 50.

That’s okay, Sophia.

This one's on the house.

Pull yourself together, pussycat.

Gershwin confused a lot of people.