Original subtitles

(IVAN NEVILLE'S "FALLING OUT OF LOVE" PLAYS)

♪ Don't know why it seems Like a long, long time ♪

♪ Since I've been on the move ♪

♪ Oh, I'm just trying To find my way ♪

♪ Don't know my name Living day to day ♪

♪ Just a little boy Who wants to have his way ♪

♪ I just can't keep still And I'm ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like I'm running out of time ♪

♪ Sand slipping Through my fingers ♪

♪ Like rivers through my mind ♪

♪ On the corner Hanging with the boys ♪

♪ I always will be ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ In and out of love ♪

♪ Out of love ♪

♪ Out of love ♪

♪ Just fooling around ♪

♪ Can't slow down ♪

♪ Should've listened To what my daddy said ♪

♪ Just wanna be cool ♪

♪ Another fool I can't keep still ♪

♪ And I'm feeling Kind of blue ♪

♪ My eyes are red ♪

♪ But something keeps Telling me that I know ♪

♪ Just what's gonna become Of this little boy ♪

♪ Inside this heart of mine ♪

♪ I keep on ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

- ZACH: I don't know what to say. - (GUN COCKING)

How about, "The Lord is my shepherd"?

(WHIMPERING)

Come on, Angie. Drop the gun.

Is that it?

Zachary Hutton,

Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright,

internationally acclaimed author,

about to be shot to death by a jealous female,

and all he can come up with is,

"Come on, Angie. Drop the gun"?

- Zach! - I'll be right with you.

(COCKS GUN)

- Who are you kidding? - (COCKING)

You know as well as I do, you're not gonna shoot.

You couldn't kill a fly.

I could if I caught it fucking my hairdresser.

Oh! (THUDS)

Angie, come on now. Give me the gun.

Tell you what? I'll be fair about this.

Community property...

I keep the gun, you get the bullets.

(GUN CLICKS)

(GRUNTING)

But I saw you load it.

You weren't paying attention.

I always keep the first chamber empty.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- (GUNSHOT) - (SHRIEKS)

- Son of a bitch! - You're overreacting.

- Get out of here, you bitch! - (GUNSHOT)

- Angie! Watch out! - Goddamn it!

Hello?

Darling?

(GIRL WHIMPERING)

Come on, Angie. For God's sake!

- Good-bye, Zach. - Please! Please! Please!

- Hello. - Alex?

I thought you were on a plane.

- Engine trouble. - Oh. I'm sorry.

You have me at a disadvantage. You obviously know who I am.

- I'm Angela Smith. - And what do you do, Angela,

- besides trying to kill my husband? - Alex?

- Shut up! - Shut up!

I'm an investment counselor.

And Zach's mistress.

Who was that in the sheet?

My hairdresser.

- I think I get the picture. - Alex?

If you still wanna kill him, do me a favor and take him outside.

Those are new sheets.

Go ahead and shoot.

No. That's too good for you.

(CHOKING)

But I bet when that lady gets through with you,

you'll wish I had.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Let's see if I got this straight.

- Angie catches you in bed with...? - Tina.

In your house?

- She was cutting my hair. - Bed?

I know it sounds turgid,

but I have a barber chair in my study.

Spurious perhaps, but not turgid.

She was finishing up with the blow-dryer.

A skittish instrument if there ever was one.

One thing led to another.

Enter Angie with your .38.

Luckily, I always keep the first chamber empty.

Oh, lucky, indeed.

That's the first empty chamber you ever filled since I've known you.

(CHUCKLES)

Scotch. Rocks.

Barney, do you really perceive me

as a major compulsive womanizer?

A 42-year-old shooting star in a galactic harem.

Can I be cured?

Do you wanna be cured?

(SIGHS)

I know it's ruining my life, and yet...

"And yet." Two words that to one degree or another plague us all.

You see, I truly love women.

Oh, I see.

ZACH: I love everything about them, Barney.

I love the way they feel, the way they smell...

Most of the time.

I-I have to admit, I don't like women with long, round toenails.

But that is the only abrogation so far.

And so far has been quite a while and quite a few.

- Oh, that's true. - Out of soup.

I long... for a meaningful,

monogamous, healthy relationship.

And I-I was sure I had it with Alex,

but the truth is, Barney...

In the deep dark silence of my considered conscience,

where there's just me and me,

the unmitigated truth is

I want it all.

Hey, wanting is okay.

I want a loving,

faithful, caring, caretaking wife,

and I wanna make love

to everything else in long skirts,

with bare feet and ripe, juicy mouths.

Little boy-girls with small, firm breasts and tight asses.

Rubenesque, round women

with big Mother Earth breasts

and green eyes.

God! I could go on and on.

Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.

Me too. (BOTH LAUGHING)

God. (SNIFFLES)

The point is...

I'm bright enough to know it's an impossible dream,

but I'm helpless to act otherwise.

ALEX: (ON TV) However, the ultimate fate of the bill is still in question,

since those close to the president, who were willing to guess

believe he will veto the bill.

But proponents say such a program is the only way to...

(TURNS OFF TV)

Zach, may I make a suggestion?

Please do.

Look, don't try to solve it tonight. Go home. Sleep on it.

Alas, old friend, I have no home.

She chucked me out, lock, stock and typewriter.

ZACH: What have you got against my typewriter?

ALEX: You used to write on it.

Books and plays and movies.

Once... once you wrote a poem on our second anniversary and gave it to me.

And you were happy.

You exorcised your demons with credible thoughts

and good words on that typewriter,

and your talent turned me on.

I really thought we had a chance

"until death do us part."

And then one day, you stopped.

You gave up.

I dried up. It happens to writers.

Oh, so you bury yourself with the first available

young female that comes along,

in the hopes that she's going to

magically restore your lost talent?

- Alex... - No, don't say it.

This is a lecture, not a debate.

And since I do not intend to speak to you

for the rest of this lifetime,

you either get out now, or shut up and let me finish.

I'm not saying that your condition is unique.

In fact, quite a few older men do the same thing.

How about quite a few older women?

If you're trying to redeem yourself

by implying that I might have been unfaithful to you,

you're barking up the wrong "older woman."

I could have, but regrettably didn't.

I threw out that typewriter

because it represents everything

that could have been loving and lasting

and wonderful, and everything that wasn't.

- Can I say something? Please? - No! No! No!

You have 20 minutes to get your things

and get out of this house forever,

or I will get a restraining order and have you removed.

ZACH: It's over, but I still love that woman, Jake.

You think you could patch it up?

(SIGHS) No, it's over. It's...

Hmm. That's a shame, because her divorce lawyer called this morning.

She... She's gonna be tough.

How tough?

Well, half of everything you've earned since you've been married,

- 100,000 a year for the next five years. - What?

- The house, the farm, both cars. - You've gotta be kidding.

There's something I forgot.

How about the shirt off my back?

That's it.

I'll tell you what I'll give her.

I'll give her exactly what she's entitled to.

The house, the farm,

both cars...

$100,000 a year for five years.

ZACH: I'm a desperate man, doctor.

I need help.

I've gotta change my way of living.

And if that ain't enough,

I'm gonna change the way I strut my stuff.

♪ 'Cause nobody loves you when you're old and gray ♪

♪ There'll be some changes Made today ♪

♪ Yes, sir, there'll be Some changes made ♪

♪ Duh-duh-da ♪

I couldn't resist it.

You think I'm crazy?

No.

Then, what the hell is wrong with me?

Well, for one thing, you can't sing worth shit.

ZACH: I can't go on like this, doctor.

If it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna settle down, start writing again,

and stop chasing after beautiful, young women.

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(CARS HONKING)

- (CRASHING) - MAN: Whoa!

(CAR HORNS BLARING)

Camera two, get a tight shot on Alex, will ya?

We don't wanna miss this one.

- KRA-TV is proud to present... - Ten seconds.

Have you seen Adam White's piece?

No. Is it good?

- You-You don't know about it? - MAN: Five seconds.

Should I? What's so amazing about gridlock?

MAN: On one.

If you drive, you know about it. It's called gridlock.

It happens when traffic gets so congested,

not even a green light means move.

In this continuing series on gridlock,

Adam White shows us how this bumper-to-bumper disease

is spreading from town to town.

Alex, it is now clear that gridlock is an epidemic.

No one can escape it.

You are looking at the proof here in Brentwood,

a shopping center for the rich and famous.

This can be particularly dangerous,

because paramedics can't even make their way to help gridlock victims,

which in this case turned out to be

- Zachary Hutton, famous author and playwright. - (LAUGHTER)

The victim was lucky. No serious injuries

and a beautiful amateur nurse who sells real estate in her spare time.

What do you bet she sells him a house?

For a while there, I thought, "This is it."

I was convinced it couldn't get any better.

I should have known better.

(SIGHS)

Don't worry about it.

It happens.

Not to me.

(SIGHS)

Not being able to screw

is as bad as not being able to write.

Maybe you should try writing again.

What the fuck does that mean?

I don't know. I'm not the burning bush.

I made a suggestion, not a commandment.

(SOBBING)

- Hi, Jasper. - Welcome, Mr. Hutton.

There he is. Hey, Curt.

Hey, I'm glad you could come.

- Curt Ames, Helena Walker. - Hello.

- Hi, how are you? - How's he been?

Just adorable.

- That bad? - Mmm-hmm.

- Dear boy. - Hi, Sparky.

Faulkner's one-time heir apparent,

and all he can say is "Hi, Sparky."

Never mind. It's nice to see you again. Denise?

Helena. Helena Walker, Leon Sparks.

- But we've met. - No.

Oh, shit.

I foozled your redheads. Forgive me.

Well, you know what they say,

once you've seen one, you've seen them all.

I'm sure Zach, as an expert on the subject,

would be the first to denounce that canard.

But for the moment, dear boy, why don't you do whatever is necessary

to make yourself comfortable,

while I try to redeem myself with Helena

by introducing her to some clever people...

More her age.

- Excuse me. - Double vodka tonic.

I decided not to drink to avoid arguments

and to be alert to the narrative possibilities of the evening.

Then Alex arrives with my stepson, Greg.

Alex!

Dear girl, how wonderful.

- Greg, you're almost as tall as I am. - Excuse me.

You told me he wasn't going to be here.

He told me he wasn't going to be here.

- I don't believe you. - Ask him.

You know that we're...

Shit!

Ask me what? Hello, Greg.

Come to give your old failed stepfather a big hug?

- Ask me what? - Nothing.

You said she wasn't coming.

I said she wasn't coming if you came.

- Nice. - And you said?

I said, "Oh, in that case, I wasn't coming."

Then I called him back, and said I changed my mind.

Yes, a little addendum you neglected to mention.

If you were under 18,

I would have considered it relevant.

Now, children, who is going to leave first?

Come on, Greg. I'll buy you a drink.

You are such a prick.

Dear boy, some of my best friends are pricks.

Some of your best pricks are friends.

There was a time when your wit was incisive,

but that riposte was just a feeble jab

from a routed ex-champion.

If you think I'm such a failure,

why do you keep on representing me?

That's like asking a heroin addict why he keeps shooting up.

It's because he keeps hoping for that first-time rush,

that cherry high, even though he knows he'll never get it again.

He's hooked, and he keeps hoping.

Watch out. I may surprise you.

You watch out. I'm beyond surprises.

Excuse me.

- MAN: Leon! Stop for a minute? - SPARKY: No!

- MAN: At least let me... - SPARKY: Oh, stop it! It's over!

CURT: You cruel, graceless son of a bitch!

SPARKY: I'm not going to argue with you.

- I want you out of this house by tomorrow morning! - Sound familiar?

SPARKY: Now leave me alone! For God's sake, stop sniveling.

Try to save yourself at least a lick of self-respect!

Was I right? Adorable.

Snooping around for an 11:00 newsbreak?

I take it back. You're too much of a cunt to be a prick.

Don't say it, dear boy, write it.

Not being able to write is like not being able to screw.

Well, maybe they sort of depend on each other.

What the fuck does that mean?

How the fuck do I know?

I'm a bartender, not your psychiatrist.

♪ The most beautiful girl In the world ♪

♪ Picks my ties out Eats my candy Drinks my brandy ♪

♪ The most beautiful girl In the world ♪

♪ The most beautiful star In the world ♪

♪ Isn't Garbo, isn't Dietrich But the sweet trick ♪

♪ That will make me believe It's a beautiful world ♪

I really hoped when Molly moved in

that we had a good chance at a long-term relationship.

♪ My romance doesn't Have to have a moon ♪

♪ In the sky ♪

♪ My romance doesn't Need a blue lagoon ♪

♪ Standing by ♪

♪ No month of May ♪

♪ No twinkling star ♪

♪ No hideaway ♪

♪ No soft guitar ♪

♪ My romance doesn't need A castle ♪

Any idea what started it?

Spontaneous combustion.

What's that?

The inevitable consequence of excessive vicissitude.

What's that?

Pressure.

Well, come on, explain.

Two people, who live an inharmonious existence together

eventually arrive at a point

where the pressure is so great,

somebody has to give.

Unless you bleed off a certain amount of steam in a pressure cooker,

- it will explode. - Excessive vicissitude.

When wood is too dry and the sun is too hot...

- Spontaneous combustion. - Exactly.

You were the wood, Molly was the sun.

A felicitous analogy.

- And what's that? - Showing off with big words.

Oh!

It's a condition that occurs

when I mix a lack of self-esteem

with an abundance of alcohol.

To be precise, a Banzai Sunset.

- All right, Zach. Car keys. - Uh-uh.

Hey, Barney, Molly took my Jeep and my Mercedes burned up with the fire.

Come on. Give her some credit, will ya?

Most of the women I know would have swung with the Mercedes.

It had a flat.

Oh, it had a flat, huh?

- When you pass out, where do I ship the body? - I don't know.

So far it's a toss-up between your guest room and the Ambassador Hotel.

- My guest room is occupied. - By whom?

- By a guest. - I don't believe you.

You're just timid about tidying up after a drunk.

Tidying up is a cinch. It's replacing furniture, buying new carpet,

- painting out the graffiti is what makes me timid. - (BOTTLES CLINKING)

What are you looking for?

You hid the nuts. Didn't I reimburse you for all that stuff?

- Some things are not reimbursable. - For instance?

Like putting Krazy Glue on my dog's paws,

then sticking him halfway up the wall.

I see your point.

Look, it's not that I don't empathize.

- What's that? - Feel sorry for you.

- Good night, Barney. - Good night, Barney.

- Hi, Barney. - BARNEY: Lonnie!

- Hey, girls. - WOMAN: Hi, Lonnie!

- What's the soup? - Lentil.

It was lentil last week.

Well, when the lentil's all gone, it'll be something else.

I'd love a steak, but I shouldn't.

Sure you should.

The kind of shape you're in, you could eat a whole cow.

(PIANO PLAYING)

- Good evening. - Hi.

What's that you're playing?

Something Cole Porter made up.

You play very well. Are you a professional musician?

No. Are you?

No. I don't know anything about music.

That kind of music, anyway.

Can you play "Three Times A Lady"?

I'm sorry. I'm not quite drunk enough yet.

- Miss? - Jones. Lonnie Jones.

I'm Zach. Hi.

If you're still here when I finish my steak and lentil soup, Zach,

we'll pick up this conversation where it left off.

♪ Have you met Miss Jones? ♪

♪ Someone said As we shook hands ♪

♪ She was just Miss Jones to me ♪

♪ Then I said, Miss Jones ♪

♪ You're a girl Who understands ♪

♪ I'm a man who must be free ♪

♪ And all at once I lost my breath ♪

♪ And all at once Was scared to death ♪

♪ And all at once I owned the earth and sky ♪

(BOTH) ♪ Now I met Miss Jones ♪

♪ And we'll keep on meeting ♪

♪ Till we die ♪

♪ Miss Jones ♪

♪ And I ♪

(APPLAUDING)

ZACH: It wasn't... It wasn't a derby,

because it...

Hey, wait. Hey, wait, wait.

You promised to take me home.

- I have. - This is home?

This is where I work.

This is where you...

This...

is where I live.

This is... Hey! I like where you live.

It reflects a strong sense of individuality and taste,

yet it's still feminine.

You sound surprised.

- Do I? - Are you?

About what?

That a woman can be an individual with taste and still be feminine?

Oh! If I admitted surprise,

would that mitigate against us going to bed together?

- It might. - Then, for the record,

I am the least surprised man

you have ever met in your entire life.

- I'll take your word for it. - I was hoping you would.

- Wanna use the bathroom? - Ladies first.

No chauvinism intended.

Make yourself at home.

(GRUNTS)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

LONNIE: How do you feel about women who are into bodybuilding?

I don't know. I've never known a woman who builds bodies.

Look at it this way, Zach.

I've worked five years, 52 weeks a year,

five days a week, three hours a day...

to build this body.

And for one night,

this night, it's all yours.

How do you feel about that?

Like Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I love your sense of humor.

And it loves you.

Do you always try and joke your way out of a tight spot?

Not always. Occasionally, I'm too frightened to make my lips move.

Hope you're not frightened now, Zach.

I'm not, but fortunately my cock is scared stiff.

- Wonderful. - ZACH: I hope so.

Now, just relax.

Right.

And leave everything to Lonnie.

You got it, Lonnie.

Let's get these shorts off.

Oh, that's a good idea.

(MOANS)

Listen. While you're down there,

would you mind getting the sock?

(MOANING)

(DIAL TONE)

(CLATTERING)

Oh, God! Thank you. Thank you, God!

LONNIE: Okay, ladies. Get it on!

- (DEBRA HOLLAND'S "SKIN DEEP" PLAYS) - (WOMEN CHEERING)

♪ Right across the room ♪

♪ Standing there ♪

Morning.

(ALL) Good morning!

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Sorry I'm late.

♪ Staring a hole That cuts like a knife ♪

♪ Baby, it's burning Burning skin deep ♪

♪ To the bone Skin deep, to the bone ♪

♪ Skin deep ♪

- (CROWS CAWING) - (DOG BARKING)

How'd you get in?

Sorry everything's in such a mess. It's the maid's day off.

Look, I'm not going to argue with you anymore, Zach.

You're dishonest and you're too good with words.

Hey, when have I ever been dishonest with you?

Oh, come on!

You were dishonest with me from the time you decided you wanted to fuck me!

We were introduced. I said, "How do you do?

"I wanna fuck you." What's dishonest about that?

Zach, in the six months of living together,

- we had 100 arguments. - I only counted 99.

Okay. Out of those 99 arguments,

was there ever one time that you thought that I was right?

- Honestly? No. - What does that tell you?

That you were wrong 99 times out of 100.

Get out of my face, Zach, or I swear to God I'm gonna kill you.

- Can I ask you something first? - No.

What are you looking for?

- My runes. - I'm sorry. Your what?

Runes. I cast them for you once

when we first started going together.

- Runes? - Viking runes!

Little stones with runic symbols on them that tell you your fortune.

You said they were bullshit,

but the last time I consulted them, I turned up Isa.

Isa? Oh, well, what does that mean?

Spiritual winter.

- Oh. - I'm spiritually frozen, Zach.

So what? You thought a good fire would help thaw you out?

(SIGHS) There you go!

So, where did you keep these "runes"?

I put 'em in my bedside drawer.

I thought because they were stone, but...

They must have melted or something.

Well, you won't find them here.

The bedroom's over there. You're in the toilet.

(SOBS)

Yeah, the story of my life.

- Molly. - Don't worry.

I'll bring back the Jeep as soon as I find a job.

Shit!

(PIANO PLAYING)

(CHATTERING)

- You don't look great. - I can't imagine why not.

I spent the past 24 hours escaping from a burning house,

getting shitfaced and shacking up

with a muscle-bound sex maniac

and doing three hours of kamikaze aerobics.

Speaking of burning houses,

they haven't said so in so many words,

but they're making noises like they think

the fire has been deliberately set.

- "They" being? - The insurance company.

- Based on? - Information from the fire department.

- What information? - We'll know that when they tell us.

Uh, another screwdriver for Mr. Hutton,

and I'll have, uh, Jack Daniel's, rocks.

Sorry about Sparky.

What about Sparky?

Oh, I thought you knew.

Oh, shit.

It was on the morning news. I thought someone would've called you.

Where? Nobody knows I'm here but you.

I'm sorry. I...

Well, what is it, a heart?

Suicide.

Oh, God.

Oh... God!

(SIGHS)

I talked to him just a month ago.

I told him I wanted to apologize.

Apologize? For what, for Christ's sake?

Oh, for letting him down,

for the things I said the last time I saw him.

But he said, "Well, that's very big of you, Zach.

But I'm afraid it's too late. You've cut me too deep."

Did he have any family?

No. Curt was the closest thing to family, but...

God, I wonder how he's taking it.

I gotta get home to the fuckin' loved ones.

Give Bernice my regards.

(SIGHS)

Uh, phone, please?

(SIGHS)

Here you go.

Thank you.

(DIALING)

(LINE RINGING) OPERATOR: What city, please?

Uh, West Los Angeles. Alexandra Hutton

on San Marino.

Sorry. I have no listing for a Hutton on San Marino.

I show an A. Hutton on North Bristol.

Uh, there are no Huttons in West Los Angeles?

No, sir.

ZACH: Okay.

Give me the number on Bristol.

That number is 555-5657.

- 5657? - Yes, sir.

- Thank you. - You're welcome, sir.

Do you see that very beautiful young woman over there in the turquoise?

- The one in leather. - Yeah.

Find out what she's drinking, and uh...

I'd like to order her another, okay?

I approve.

(DIALING)

(LINE RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

WOMAN: Hello? Hello.

- MAN: Come here. - Hello. Is anybody there?

- Hello? - Alex?

Who are you calling?

ZACH: Uh, Alexandra Hutton.

We've got a whole bunch of Huttons here, but no "Alexandra."

ZACH: Sorry. Wrong number. (HANGS UP)

What man?

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(LINE RINGING) Operator, may I help you?

Operator, would you connect me with the Men's Shop?

- Thank you. - (LINE RINGING)

MAN: Men's Shop. May I help you?

Yes, uh, this is Zachary Hutton.

Yes, Mr. Hutton.

Yes. Would you send me over half a dozen jockey shorts,

half a dozen pairs of socks,

three pairs of pajamas and a robe?

- Any particular color? - Uh, usual colors.

- And a pair of slippers. - Where shall I send them?

- Yes, uh, Bungalow 11. - Bungalow 11?

Uh-huh. And I'll...

Sir?

Yes. Look, um, I'll come by tomorrow,

and I'll pick up some, um, some pants.

Yes, sir. Good to have you staying at the hotel again, Mr. Hutton.

Yeah, well, it's great to be here.

- (DISTANT DOOR SLAMS) - MAN: I've had it!

WOMAN: Well, goodbye!

- You don't understand. It's over! - MAN: Over?

- WOMAN: Yes! - MAN: You just listen to me!

WOMAN: I'm not gonna listen to you!

MAN: You're gonna listen to me! You are gonna talk to me

- and you are gonna talk to me now! - (SLAP)

- (WOMAN SCREAMS) - (WATER RUNNING)

WOMAN: You son of a bitch! (SLAPPING, YELLING)

- WOMAN: I've had it! Goodbye, Rick. - RICK: You get over here!

RICK: Oh, bye! What are you doing in the fuckin' washroom?

- RICK: Get outta there! - Oh, shit.

- WOMAN: No! No! - (DISTANT THUDDING)

- Hey! - WOMAN: Rick!

(SIGHS)

RICK: I am sick and tired of you picking up guys behind my back!

WOMAN: Oh, yeah? Let's talk about

the hot numbers that you pick up everywhere.

- RICK: I don't "pick" 'em up! I pay 'em! It's different! - WOMAN: God!

RICK: I'm so sick of you!

- (SLAP) - (WOMAN SHRIEKS)

- RICK: Come here! - WOMAN: Stop it!

- RICK: I'll tell you something. - WOMAN: Tell me.

RICK: I can't think of anything right now, but if I could, I'd tell you!

- I've had it with you! - WOMAN: Your brain is the size of a pea!

- RICK: Excuse me! - (OBJECTS CLATTERING)

- WOMAN: You're breaking up the furniture, you creep! - (RINGING)

- RICK: I'm not a creep. I'm a musician! - Operator.

Yes, Operator. This is Zach Hutton in Bungalow 11.

Would you please call the people in the apartment directly above me.

- (OBJECTS CLATTERING) - And tell them to stop screaming and yelling

- and breaking your furniture? - Are you sure they're breaking furniture?

Yes! Listen.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

- Okay? - I'll call right away.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE)

RICK: What? Hello. Oh!

Oh, the man down-fucking-stairs, eh?

Well, thank you very fucking much!

- WOMAN: Rick. Where are you going? - What?

RICK: Where am I going? Downstairs! To talk to this fucking man.

WOMAN: We're gonna get thrown out of here, damn it!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

- (BUZZING CONTINUES, KNOCKING) - All right!

Are you kidding me? I'm coming!

RICK: Calling up, getting me in trouble!

- You! - You!

- What's with you, man? - Wait a goddamn minute!

- Who the fuck are you? - Who the fuck are you?

- First you try to hit on my lady. - I want you out of my apartment!

Stop it! What are you blaming him for?

- You know fucking well why. - Hey, easy.

You said it was my fault, that I'm always coming on to guys

the minute your back is turned. Well, you're right!

I pick up guys all the time, whenever I get the chance!

- And you wanna know why? - Why?

- Because you are a-a boring... - Arrogant.

- Arrogant! - Sanctimonious!

- Sanctimonious! - Cocksucker.

- Oh, you little... Ow! Jesus! - I picked him up, Rick!

Hey!

Hey, turns out great, don't it?

While you're screwing him, I'll move out.

Oh, I like that.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Don't be stupid.

Hey, don't panic, you little wanker.

I pack real fast.

Ta.

- WOMAN: Oh, God, I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

Hey, wait, wait. Wait a minute. Hang on.

Don't go back up there.

No, I'll just... I'll just go take a walk or something.

No, no, no. You take a seat and relax.

Give him time to get out. Okay? Come on, sit down.

- Don't be nice to me, please. - Okay, I won't.

- Would you like a drink? - No, thanks.

(SIGHS) Look. I-I've caused you enough trouble.

I really think I should leave.

No, you shouldn't.

Now, come on. It's not your fault.

Even if I did buy you a drink

because we had a kind of mutual exchange

across a crowded room,

that guy had no business beating you up like that.

- Oh, he didn't exactly... - Who is he? What does he do?

Uh, Rick Curry. He's the lead guitarist for the Moon Rocks.

Naturally.

(SCOFFS)

- Why "naturally"? - Because rock groups like that

and lead guitarists like Rick are an unnatural phenomenon,

put on this Earth, I suspect, to test my reality.

I don't know how I could have missed it.

By the way, I'm Zach Hutton.

How do you do? Amy McKenna.

Amy. Well, I'm sorry we had to meet like this,

but it's better than not meeting at all, I hope.

So, what do you do, Zach?

I write, and um...

occasionally I wear orange-and-yellow pajamas.

- Usually under a robe. - (CHUCKLES)

I'll be right back. Don't go away.

Okay.

RICK: Amy, love... Fuck you!

(DOOR BANGS IN DISTANCE)

- Amy? - AMY: Yeah?

Where's your home?

My home? Um...

Well, I was working in Seattle when I met Rick.

He's got a house in New Jersey,

- but we travel a lot. - Mmm-hmm.

AMY: Um, originally, I'm from New Orleans.

ZACH: New Orleans?

(SING-SONG) Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans?

Do you know that song?

Yeah. My father loves jazz.

How does he feel about the Moon Rock?

Um, he's never met him. I don't think he'd like him.

So, where do you come from, Zach?

Uh, geographically or emotionally?

Both.

Well, I was born in Philadelphia,

- but I come from New Orleans. - (CHUCKLES)

You like jazz?

Oh, I love it.

Hmm. But you prefer heavy metal.

No, I prefer good music.

Well, that eliminates heavy metal.

I love good heavy metal.

Oh, really? That's impossible.

That's like saying, "I love good root canal."

(CHUCKLES) You sound like my father.

Oh, no, I know.

Sometimes that can be a major handicap.

What times?

Well, sounding like a father

when I'm trying to impress a young female under...

twenty-two?

Twenty-five.

Oh, especially those times.

Well, you could lie.

Then I wouldn't know if it was me or the lie.

Then sooner or later, I'd have to start lying about my age.

Oh, come on. How old are you? You couldn't be more than 35.

Close. I'm 33.

- Well, good night, Zach. - Good night.

Thanks for everything. You were terrific.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - (GROANS)

(TCHAIKOVSKY PLAYING ON TV)

WOMAN: Operator.

Yes, Operator. This is Mr. Hutton in Bungalow 11.

Would you please call the apartment directly above me?

Do you know who's in that room?

Mmm, I believe Ms. Amy McKenna.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello. - ZACH: Tchaikovsky.

- What? - You're playing Tchaikovsky.

Oh.

It's the TV. I didn't realize it was that loud.

Do you like the ballet?

I like this ballet.

I like the music.

I'm sorry if I woke you up.

You didn't.

Couldn't sleep?

No.

Obviously you couldn't either.

No.

Would you like me to come up?

Yes.

- Zach. - Hmm.

Would you mind wearing something?

- I am wearing something. - You are?

Yeah. Oh, you, you mean... Oh, no, I...

Yes. Do you...? Do you have a...?

No, I... See, there was a-a fire,

and I lost everything.

They were probably the first to go.

It's that, you know, these days it's so...

I know, you can't be too careful.

I-I really want you.

Oh, God! (MOANS) I really want you, too.

- It's just, I can't unless... - I know. I know.

Well, I could... Do you want me to go to...

I could maybe... You don't... Do you have any?

Oh, you wouldn't mind?

Are you kidding? Oh, God, no!

- They're Rick's. - They're Rick's?

Uh, that's all right. Um, I'll reimburse him.

- Okay... - Yeah?

- Where in the... Ow! - Sorry.

- We need to get... Are they in...? - This drawer right here.

Are they in a box?

Yeah. They should be right on top.

That's not it.

- Okay. - All right.

- ZACH: Oh, my God! I can't see what... what I'm doing here. - AMY: I'll turn on the light.

RICK: No, that's all right. Where's the bathroom? Maybe that'd be better.

- AMY: It's right over there. - ZACH: I'll be right back. Oh, God.

- Ow! Goddamn thing! - AMY: Sorry.

I, I don't know about those. But don't be surprised,

'cause sometimes Rick's sexual taste can get pretty kinky.

ZACH: It says in the instructions that it's been treated

with an ancient Chinese herb, guaranteed to prolong erection.

- Oh, my God! - AMY: What's wrong?

ZACH: You're not going to believe this.

AMY: Oh, my God!

(ZACH CHUCKLES)

AMY: Oh, my God!

ZACH: Truly amazing.

- (DOOR CLOSES) - RICK: Amy?

- AMY: Oh, my God. It's Rick! - ZACH: What was that?

- Rick? What? Where? - AMY: Quick! In the closet!

- Go! No, no, this way! I think. - ZACH: Where? Where?

- AMY: Right here. - RICK: Amy?

- (AMY SHUSHING) - RICK: Turn on the lights, Amy.

Amy. Amy!

Rick, you scared the hell out of me.

I'm sorry. I, uh... I didn't mean to.

I, uh, came back to apologize.

- Too late. - I... (OBJECT THUDS)

- What's this? - What?

- This! - What?

This!

Rick, if you wanna talk, we'll talk tomorrow.

No, I, uh, I don't wanna talk, love.

- No, Rick. No! - I thought maybe we could

- just make a little bit of love. - No!

- Maybe just... - No!

- Fine! Jesus! - Where are you going?

I forgot my mousse.

- RICK: What the hell? - What?

What's this?

- What? - This.

(SIGHS) Rick!

Amy, it was gonna be a surprise.

They were in that... that drawer!

- What, you think I took them out and... - No! No!

I think they got up all by themselves.

Rick, they're your stupid rubbers!

Just take 'em and get out!

All right! All right! Fine!

Fine, but you... you don't know what you're missing.

Yeah!

(DOOR SLAMS)

Rick?

- (CLOSET DOOR OPENS) - (AMY GASPS)

- AMY: That's amazing. - ZACH: I know. I haven't had one that lasted this long

since I was 12.

AMY: God! No wonder Rick wanted to invest.

ZACH: I feel like I'm in the porno version of The Red Shoes.

- (AMY CHUCKLES) - (OBJECT THUDS)

RICK: Shit! Oh, my leg. Damn, that hurts!

- (CLOSET DOOR SHUTS) - Oh, God, that hurt! (GRUNTS)

- Hey, honey. - (AMY SCREAMS)

RICK: Hey, Jesus Christ! No, no, it's me!

AMY: I know it's you! Get outta here!

RICK: Why, love? How'd you know it was me? It's dark in here.

- AMY: Oh, God, 'cause nobody else... - RICK: What?

- AMY: No! Get... What? - RICK: Shut up!

Shut up!

- AMY: Rick! - RICK: Shut up!

- (CLOSET DOOR OPENS) - RICK: What?

- (SCREAMING) - (GRUNTING)

AMY: No!

Rick, get out! No, stop it!

(GRUNTING)

AMY: Stop it! Don't! (SCREAMING)

(ZACH AND RICK GRUNTING)

(BOTH GRUNTING, THUDDING)

- (BOTH GROANING) - (AMY SCREAMING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SNIFFLES) Ah.

- Hello. - Yeah.

- No. - Yeah.

What jail?

What did they arrest you for?

All right. I'll be right over.

- What's wrong? - Zach's been arrested.

For what?

Cockfighting.

Oh.

MAN: I never had the privilege

of meeting Leon Sparks.

Or Sparky,

as he was affectionately known throughout the film community.

But his reputation for kindness,

friendship, creating excellence was legend.

- Alex. - Hello, Zach.

You changed your telephone number.

Look, I wanna talk to you, for Christ's sake.

- Could we have dinner? - No.

Alex.

I'm in trouble. I thought...

Could we just maybe go someplace and talk?

No.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Sorry it wasn't nice seeing you again, Zach.

- You ready? - Anytime you are.

(HORN TOOTS)

If you feel like it, come by for dinner tonight.

Eight o'clock. Bye, Jake.

Bye.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Hello, Danny. - Good evening, Mr. Hutton.

- You're looking well. - Thank you.

They are in the living room.

"They"?

We thought we'd drive back through Arizona, New Mexico.

See that part of the country, and then...

- Hello. - Zach.

Zach, this is Rebecca Simms. Zachary Hutton.

- ZACH: Rebecca. - How do you do?

I'd do a lot better if I had a drink. Danny?

- DANNY: Banzai Sunrise. - It pays to have roots.

- You remember Mama. - Sure do.

Hi, Marge, Harry.

Hello, Zachary. Who gave you the black eye?

Why? Do you want to congratulate him personally?

No. A telegram will do it.

(CHUCKLES) She hasn't lost her twinkle.

(CHUCKLES)

So, Becky, what? Are you Greg's main squeeze?

"Squeeze"?

Yes. Contemporary nomenclature, right, Greg?

I've heard the expression. Never used it.

Oh. Well, neither have I.

It was my first time.

So how come, uh... I thought you were in school.

- MARGE: Summer vacation. - ZACH: Oh, of course. Right.

- How old are you now? 19? - 20.

Oh. It goes by so bloody fast.

Are you going to Brown?

No, I quit Brown. I'm going to Juilliard.

Julliard. Well, how about...

That's what I want. Bless you. (KISS)

Greg is studying piano and composition.

I'll be damned. Mmm.

I didn't know you were that interested in music.

Probably because you never thought to ask.

That's not fair. But accurate.

Fair doesn't count? Come on, Greg,

you were only interested in rock 'n' roll, like any kid your age.

He never gave me a clue.

He never went near a piano. You know that.

What, you want accurate?

You certainly never took the time to tell me.

I hate to use the argument, but I was just a kid, Zach.

Well, that's a kid's argument, Greg.

Dinner is served.

Let's see if we can get through the salad course

without a 15-yard penalty, hmm?

(DOG BARKS)

ALEX: Zach would rather play in a jazz band

than write the great American novel.

One does what one must.

But you've already written

one of the great American novels,

and Hang Time is almost as great.

If you play the piano as well as you write,

you're one hell of a musician.

Confidentially, Becky, these days,

I'm a hell of a lot better piano player than I am a writer.

Mmm-hmm.

I was only 15, and I saw The Devil May Care six times.

No, really?

Rebecca's a drama major at Brown.

She just wrote and directed her first play.

- Terrific. - No, it wasn't.

But hopefully one profits by one's mistakes.

Hopefully.

Did you?

You must have made some mistakes.

- A few. - (COUGHING)

For instance?

Coming here for dinner.

I was being serious.

So was Zach.

What were you saying about being fair, Zach?

- I'm sorry, Becky. - It's okay.

- Do me a favor, Zach? - Name it, Becky.

Don't call me Becky. I fucking hate it.

Mmm.

I'm truly sorry, Rebecca.

- It fucking won't happen again. - Mmm-hmm.

Either make more trips or get me a bigger glass.

DANNY: Yes, sir.

Oh, hold it.

- What is this? - Brandy.

Ah.

Brandy's good, too.

(CLEARS THROAT) Look, Marge,

I know we've had our share of disagreements...

- (BARKS) - Oh, sorry. Almost sat on Harry.

Can I get you something?

A gun.

I'll see what I can do.

For what it's worth,

I didn't expect it to be this kind of an evening.

I've had worse. The day we broke up was worse.

Not much worse, but...

I don't think Greg has quite forgiven you...

Greg has really grown up to be quite a young pain in the ass.

Understandable when you consider that, for about five years,

you were his only male pain-in-the-ass role model.

How is Greg where I'm not concerned?

Mmm. A little pompous.

Sometimes arrogant.

Mostly loving and pleasant and talented.

How talented?

Greg, why don't you play something for us?

Yes, do that.

Okay. What'll it be, Zach?

How about a little Buddy Holly?

How about a little Chopin?

How about a little...

Cole Porter?

(PIANO PLAYING)

Either I'm drunker than I thought,

or your son's a better piano player than I am.

You're sweet. And you're drunk.

Me, too.

I know I've had too much to drink

because I'm feeling sorry for you tonight, Zach.

(EXHALES) Me, too!

(PIANO PLAYING CONTINUES)

I may regret this,

but how can I help?

How can you...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I don't know.

I thought a lot about you.

And then when I heard about Sparky, I just felt I...

had to talk to you, to see you.

Hmm. Scared, huh?

Scared?

It scares me... Getting older, friends dying.

He knew he had some terrible cancer.

Yeah, I think that's probably why he threw Curt out.

Curt... I saw him a couple of weeks ago.

He'll never get over it. He's...

Sparky probably thought he was being noble.

Mmm. Yeah, well, he was being selfish.

You don't share 20 years with someone

then find out you're gonna die and not share that, too.

Well, Zach, I think it's pretty easy for us to stand here...

Well, it's easy to stand here in judgment

when the guy we're talking about, by his own admission,

was an egotistical, unsympathetic,

- uncharitable... - I know.

Coldhearted, narcissistic scoundrel.

Nobody's perfect.

Right.

I'm glad you feel that way,

because I was about to suggest that we give it another try.

"We"?

Are you completely off your nut?

Don't beg, Alex.

It doesn't suit you.

Oh, Zach...

Oh, what?

There are a lot of things about you

that I would highly recommend.

But you're never gonna last with anyone.

You may settle down for a while,

but then something will happen.

You'll get scared

and you'll start to look for something,

some place,

some young girl to save you.

You're on a merry-go-round, Zach.

And the brass ring is just a brass ring.

It solves nothing.

I'm doomed?

You're Zach.

And you like merry-go-rounds.

Okay, troops. Time to fold the tents.

Oh.

Barney, how about just one more little itty-bitty one for the road?

Nope.

You know what your problem is, Zach?

Yep.

- Keys, Zach. - Nope.

- You drink too much. - Yep.

- Keys, Zach. - You're probably an alcoholic.

- Yep. - Keys!

But that's not my problem. You know what my problem is?

I'm an addict.

- Drugs? - Nope. Merry-go-rounds.

I am not gonna let you drive.

You wanna go home with me, Zach?

Yep.

- Right. Let's go. - Can't.

- Why not? - I'm just a kid.

Aw.

- You're sweet. - That too.

Give me a call if you change your mind.

I will give you a call even if I don't change my mind, okay?

Okay.

- Good night, Barney. - Sleep tight, sweetheart.

Good night, Miss Jones.

Oh, shit.

You drank me out of tequila.

ZACH: It was a dirty job, Barney,

but somebody had to do it.

- Here. - Thank you, Barney.

(RINGING)

- Hello? - ZACH: Alex?

Zach?

I think so.

Oh, Zach, do you know what time it is?

Just a minute. Alex wants to know what time it is!

Shh! Five after 2:00.

It's five after 2:00.

Besides being drunk, what else is wrong?

I forgot to ask you something very important.

Yes?

What the hell was it?

Oh, Zach, come on...

Oh, no, no, no, no. I-I-I re... I remember.

Um, Alex...

Are you presently involved with anyone?

Yes.

- Yes? - Yes.

Who?

His name is Jonas Mallard.

Sounds like a duck.

- Zach... - Why wasn't he there tonight?

Because he's in New York on business.

Is it serious?

Yes.

Gonna get married?

We've talked about it.

I don't know whether you know it or not,

but it's bad luck to marry a duck.

Good night, Zach.

Unless you're a duck.

Even then, it's no guarantee it's gonna last.

You know, Barney. Am I right?

- Are ducks monogamous? - No. Swans are.

This guy's a duck. That was Alex.

So I gathered.

Okay. Hey, Barney, how about another one?

You know, of course, we're breaking the law.

What "we"?

I got a mouse in my pocket.

"We."

One thing's sure, mice are not monogamous.

- For sure. - If they were, they'd be "monogomice."

- Yeah. I'll call a cab. - Okay.

I... I don't go to hotels anymore.

I'm on their shit list. So if your guest room is still occupied,

I'll just curl up on the bar right here.

(GRUNTS)

Okay, but no throwing up in the fish tank.

I cross my heart.

- Let's go. - Barney?

- What? - Carry me.

Oh, shit.

(ZACH SCREAMING)

Oh, I'm blind!

- I can't see! - All right, all right.

How did you do... What is-What is that?

- It's a B-12. - Do I need it?

Did Custer need a bulletproof vest?

Barney... (WINCING)

All right. Easy. Easy.

Okay, okay! God!

- Jeez! - Okay.

- I gotta pee. - Huh? Easy, easy. All right.

All right. Take it easy.

(GRUNTS)

Why did you wrap yourself in toilet paper?

ZACH: 'Cause I was cold.

(URINATING, GROANING)

(GASPS)

ZACH: I'm in a lot of trouble, doctor.

Frankly, I don't have the strength

or the courage to go on like this,

and even if I did, I wouldn't want to.

Every day, I get a little more depressed.

I get a little more desperate.

I feel like I'm worse off

than when I first started with you.

When you first started with me, you were a mess.

(CHUCKLES) I'm still a mess. I haven't changed.

Don't you know by now that changing one's basic character is next to impossible?

No. I don't know that. Jesus, doctor, if I thought I couldn't change,

I wouldn't have come to see you in the first place.

I didn't say you couldn't.

You just said it was impossible!

- I said it was next to impossible. - Well, shit, doctor.

"Next to" isn't that far removed.

If it were, there'd be no analysts.

Not an entirely unhappy prospect, doctor.

Did I ever tell you the story

about the frog and the scorpion?

No.

A scorpion who couldn't swim asked the frog

to carry him across the river on his back.

The frog said, "Do you think I'm crazy?"

"Halfway across the river, you'll sting me and I'll drown."

"That's not reasonable," said the scorpion.

"If I sting you and you drown, I'll drown too."

Frog thought about it, said, "Climb on."

Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog.

And as the frog was drowning, he said to the scorpion,

"But now you'll drown, too."

The scorpion said, "Yes, I know."

"That's not reasonable," said the frog.

And the scorpion replied,

"Reason has nothing to do with it.

I'm a scorpion. It's my character."

You know what I feel like telling you?

Yes. You feel like telling me to go fuck myself.

And you probably will, because that's your character.

See you next Tuesday.

WOMAN: Let me tell you, the man was fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

I took one look at him, and I just knew.

I'm telling you...

- Hi. - Hi. You can go right in.

- Thank you. - I got to go now. Okay.

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah. I just happened to be in the building,

and I was intrigued by the company name.

- Is this the company name? - Yes, it is.

"Form 3, world's foremost fitness and beauty program."

Mmm-hmm.

One of our clients lost 11 pounds in three days

and was completely cured of his asthma.

You take men?

Mmm-hmm, 35 percent of our clientele are men.

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

Uh, you know, the, um, the girl who just came in...

Emily?

Emily, yes. She certainly didn't look to be lacking

in the fitness or beauty department.

You should have seen her six months ago.

Really?

The first herbal wrap is on the house.

- Look... - And if you just give me your name,

Molly can set you up right away

for your complimentary herbal treatment.

- Wait. - Hello, Zach.

Molly.

Isn't that special? You two know each other.

God!

- What are you doing? - Working.

Molly's our number-one therapist.

Terrific. How've you been?

Angry.

- Molly, this is silly. - What's that?

I don't need a complimentary herbal wrap and electro-stimulation.

- Okay. - I just...

I happened to be in the building.

But it's not silly, Zach.

- It's what I do now. - I-I didn't mean...

MOLLY: I mean, it's how I make my living.

You know, I could've sued your ass off, Zach.

But instead, I decided to get a job.

- You may not approve, but it pays the rent. - I approve, okay?

But if you think it's so silly, what are you doing here?

- I guess I'm getting a complimentary herbal wrap. - But if it's so silly...

It's not, okay? Wrap me.

The silly little pads that I've attached to your problem areas

will make your muscles contract.

The more I increase the current,

the more your muscles will contract.

Molly...

For the first "silly" treatment,

it's not advisable to exceed plus-three.

- (KNOB CLICKS) - (DEVICE HUMMING)

God, I wish I didn't hate you so much, Zach.

- M... Molly? - After ten silly treatments,

you should be able to handle plus-seven.

- M... Mo... Mo... - (HUMMING GETS LOUDER)

Why'd you have to act like such a dick?

- ZACH: Mo... Mo... - Anything above plus-seven...

could be dangerous.

Molly!

Molly! Molly! (GROANING)

(GROANING)

- Whoa! - (EXCLAIMING)

(SHRIEKS)

Oh!

(WOMAN GRUNTS)

(MUTTERING)

(GRUNTS)

Give me that!

- (WHIMPERING) - (GRUNTING)

Go fuck yourself!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

- (HORN HONKS) - Hey!

(HONKS)

ZACH: (GRUNTS) Yeah.

- How much? - Two and a quarter.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey!

- (CAR HONKING) - (TIRES SCREECHING)

(SIREN BLARING)

(CRASH)

ZACH: I'm telling you, Jake, all you have to do

is take a drive down Sunset, look at the billboard.

She's representing something called Shape.

Yeah, it's a magazine. We-We represent it as well.

I'm telling you, you will not believe this woman.

Yeah, well, you know, that magazine is throwing

a big party tonight at the Century Plaza.

- You probably got an invitation. - You think so?

- Yeah. - Oh, God!

- You all right? - Maybe I should have something to eat.

Coffee? No, that's bad. I... Okay.

- All right. - (ZACH GRUNTS)

- JAKE: God damn it! - What's the matter?

JAKE: I can never tie these fucking ties.

Oh, God. Stop complaining.

How many times a year do you have to put on your tux?

- You know something, Bern? - Yeah.

One of us is wearing the wrong clothes.

Which one?

The Shape black-tie party is at the Century Plaza tonight.

- Uh-huh. - The Share costume ball

is at the Century Plaza next Friday night.

Nice costume.

Is the Shape party in here?

- Aladdin? - That's what he told me.

Bern, he's gonna kill me. Bernice, it is not funny.

Okay, okay.

(LAUGHING)

(CHATTERING)

Get me the fuck out of here.

Jake! Jake!

- You told me it was a costume party! - Where the hell did you get...

(LAUGHING)

Bernice, stop it.

- Look at the lamp. - Look at the shoes!

I'm sorry. Zach, I'm really sorry.

I tried to call you several times.

- Jake. - Howard. How are you?

Howard, this is Zach Hutton.

Zach, this is Howard Simon. He's your host.

- Howdy, Howard. - Hi.

I told Zach that it was a-a costume party.

(LAUGHING)

- I tried to call you. - You're fired.

Cheer up.

(LAUGHTER)

Inside of about five minutes,

I drank 14 glasses of champagne.

By the shank of the evening, I was completely shit-faced.

(BLOWS INTO BOTTLE) Steamboat coming through. Excuse me.

And fearless. (CLEARS THROAT)

How do you do?

My name is Zachary Hutton, and my wish is to fuck you.

(GASPS, LAUGHTER)

(ZACH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) I got to tell you guys. I just, I-I must...

I'm in deep therapy, you know.

I thought I could probably use, you know, psychoanalysis.

That girl looks like a psychoanalyst.

GUARD: Yep.

- ZACH: So what's the answer? - What's the question?

Can a man change his character

- even if a scorpion can't? - Hmm.

Good question. What's the answer?

The answer is yes, providing you know what your problem is.

I know what my problem is, and I can't change it.

- Have you tried? - No.

Don't you want to?

To be perfectly honest, I haven't given it much thought.

Do you know why you don't want to?

I haven't the foggiest.

Because you don't know what the alternative is.

- Oh, I see. - I know my alternative.

No more young, healthy bodies

with beautiful, empty heads.

My salvation is a handsome,

experienced, healthy middle-aged woman...

Who's been married at least once,

and who is a great deal smarter than I.

- How's Alex? - I was just about to call her.

- Hey, Barney, do you have... - Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello? - Hello, Greg?

Who is this?

This is your stepfather. May I speak to Alex?

Uh, no, she's gone for the weekend.

Where?

She asked me not to give out that information, Zach.

Well, you're a fine young lad, aren't you?

Just please tell her I called.

Sure.

I wish he'd stay the hell out of her life.

(BARKING)

Oh.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- ZACH: Hi, Marge. - (YELLS)

ZACH: Can I come in?

Hi, Marge. I'm sorry to bother you,

but could we just talk for a minute?

(THUDS)

Jeez.

Sorry. I didn't see the suitcase here. Are you going someplace?

- Yes. - Where?

- Away. - Away where?

Away where you can't find me.

- (DOG PANTS) - (SHRIEKS) Harry...

(DOG GROWLS, BARKS)

Sorry about that. Are you gonna see Alex?

What is it you exactly want, Zach?

Marge, I need to talk to your daughter. It's very important.

Would you just please tell me where she is?

- No. - Why won't you tell me?

Because if you knew where she was, you'd screw up her life,

and then I'd have to kill you.

Oh, well, that makes sense. (CLEARS THROAT)

Do you think I could have a drink? I'm a little parched.

I'll get you some tap water.

That's fine. That would be great.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(FAUCET RUNNING)

(FAUCET STOPS)

Oh. Marge, thank you.

Cheers.

It's good. Clear too.

Would you like a little...

(CLEARS THROAT) Look, Marge, um,

I realize that you and I over the years haven't exactly hit it off,

and you have just cause to really hate me.

But I don't know why, I just feel that

somehow if you'd look deep within yourself,

you might find that you have some good feelings about me.

- (SIGHS) Well, Marge, I-I just think that... - Harry.

- It's time now to bury the hatchet, you know? - Harry.

- You left that door open. - What?

If you let that dog run away, I'll rip your beard off!

- Marge, I tripped. - Harry?

Harry!

(SIGHS)

Harry? Harry!

Oh, shit!

Here, Harry!

Harr... Harr...

- Holy Jesus. Harry. Harry. - (MARGE WHISTLING)

Harry? Come on, Harry. Snap out of it.

(WHISTLING CONTINUES)

- Oh, God! - MARGE: Nice Harry.

- (PERFORMING CPR) - MARGE: Come on, Harry!

Harry? Harry?

- Harry? - Marge, why don't you look out back, okay?

- (STUTTERS) I'll-I'll-I'll go out front. - Harry!

- MARGE: Harry! Harry! - Harry?

- MARGE: Here, Harry! - Harry?

- Here, Harry! - Here, Harry!

(WHISTLING) MARGE: Harry!

- You find him? - MARGE: No!

- Keep looking! - MARGE: Harry!

(WHISTLES) Harry!

Here, boy! Sorry, Harry.

Stay.

Harry?

(SIREN BLARING)

(JAKE ON MACHINE) Hi, you've reached the Fennermans.

Leave a message when you hear the beep.

(BEEP)

Jake, this is Zach. It's 2:00 in the morning.

I'm in the Ventura County jail. Get me out of here.

The arresting officer states that you were clocked

at 134 miles an hour.

Anything to say about that, Mr. Hutton?

I was in a hurry, Your Honor.

Me too. $500 or 30 days.

(GAVEL POUNDS)

Miss Alexandra Hutton.

- What about her? - I'm Zachary Hutton.

Should that make a difference?

She's expecting me. What's her room number?

- She's not in her room. - Where is she?

She's in the arboretum.

(GASPS)

(DOG WHINES)

- Harry? - (WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Alex...

Alex.

Would you mind... Is this a bad time?

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join in holy matrimony

Alexandra and Jonas.

If there is anyone here who could show just cause

why this couple should not be married...

- (ALEX PRAYING) - ...let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

Uh...

- (GRUNTS) - (SHOCKED GASPS)

(GROANS)

Come on, Zach.

Alex, you don't have to do this.

Yes, I do. Papa always said,

if someone takes the trouble to ruin your wedding,

the least you can do is walk 'em to the car.

He sounds like a real old-world gentleman.

Oh, you'd have loved each other.

You could compare livers.

You know, your mother missed her calling.

If she'd drop a few pounds, I might get her a match with Sugar Ray.

Can't say as I really blame her.

- I always wondered what she saw in me. - Probably Papa.

Could you get Mr. Hutton's car, please?

(SIGHS)

- I guess I really screwed things up. - You guess.

- You want to know why I came? - No.

I feel like I'm drowning, and you're the only one that can save me.

- I can't save you, Zach. - You can't?

That's not fair. I was counting on you.

You see, no matter how bad I am or was or will be,

I keep thinking you're gonna save me.

In spite of everything, you'll put your arms around me and tell me it's all right,

and I'll be resurrected because you love me and you've got the magic.

- No magic. - Yeah, but what a dream, huh?

- It's a selfish dream. - That, too,

but hey, these days, I'm all I've got, and that ain't much.

Zach, you know, I'm glad I don't have the magic.

How come?

Because you'd count on it and you'd never look for the truth.

In spite of how it seems, I'm looking.

In the bottom of a cocktail glass?

Good kill.

You know, Alex, I do love you and I'm gonna make it.

Would it be too much to ask you to wait until I do?

Yes.

Because you don't think I can?

Yes.

Yeah, and if I do, what a guy!

Just think what you'll be missing.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Can we get married now?

We have to talk.

ZACH: I've never felt like this before.

I'm... I'm seriously... unhappy.

This is not just the bush-league blues.

We're talking major-league depression here.

I can't sleep.

I take pills, but they only last a couple of hours,

and then I'm up at 4:00 in the morning, pacing the fucking house

or walking on the cold fucking beach, you know?

I'm so miserable, I want to fucking shoot myself,

but I can't because I'm afraid to die.

How's that for fucked-up?

(SOBBING)

So what's the answer?

I forgot. You don't have answers.

You're not the burning bush.

You just give suggestions.

Well, I need help.

I'm in the fucking dumper.

Give me a suggestion, because I know you've got one.

I can see it in those beady little Freudian eyes.

If an alcoholic wants me to cure him, you know what I say?

(SIGHS)

That's a question. That's not a suggestion.

Okay. What do you say?

First, stop drinking.

I don't get it.

Go home and think about it. That's my suggestion.

(IVAN NEVILLE'S "FALLING OUT OF LOVE" PLAYS)

MAN: (ON RADIO) We interrupt our regular broadcast to bring you an important announcement.

The western regional weather service

has just issued an urgent tsunami wave warning

due to a seismic disturbance in the Pacific.

Waves could exceed heights of 20 feet

and may crest at any time.

All residents in the coastal area

are urged to be on the alert.

♪ I'm just trying To find my way ♪

♪ Don't know my name ♪

♪ Living day to day ♪

- Hi. - Hi.

♪ Just a little boy Who wants to have his way ♪

♪ I just can't keep still ♪

♪ And I'm falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels ♪

♪ Like I'm running Out of time ♪

♪ Sand slipping Through my fingers ♪

♪ Like rivers through my mind ♪

ZACH: God...

I rented this beach house because I thought, if you're really there,

this is the best place to get in touch with you.

I'm in pretty bad shape, and I need some answers.

If an alcoholic wants me to cure him, you know what I say?

First, stop drinking.

I got it!

Jake! You won't believe it!

But there is a God! And he's a gag writer!

- What the...? - (ALL SCREAMING)

- (BERNICE LAUGHING) - What the...

Close the door! Goddamn it, Jake!

(PIANO PLAYING) Bernice will never forgive Jake

for renting me his other beach house.

But anyway, I figured it out, Barney.

You can't cure a problem until you know

what's causing the problem.

But before you can see what's causing the problem,

you first have to remove the problem.

You gotta give up the vices to get to the virtues.

- I could've told you that. - Yeah? Why didn't you?

You want it to take, you got to figure it out for yourself.

Okay, wise guy, what's my problem?

You're scared, like the rest of us.

So, you drink too much, you chase girls much too much,

and you don't use your God-given talent anymore.

You've known that all along?

I'm a good bartender.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to stop being scared.

While you're at it, may I offer a suggestion?

ZACH: Okay, open up! I know you're in there!

I'm coming to get you!

- (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTERING)

The truth, was I research or recreation?

You were ravishing.

I switched you from tonic water to Slice.

- Think you can handle it? - Yeah, fine.

Just keep me away from those honey-roasted almonds.

Excuse me.

- Congratulations, Mr. Hutton. - Oh, you read my book?

No, but since you stopped drinking, you're a much better kisser.

- Hello, Miss Jones. - Hi, stranger.

You need any help over there?

No, I'll get her. I got her.

Ow. Oh, God. Doesn't this hurt you?

(GRUNTING)

(WHISPERING)

Rebecca, you look fetching.

- Merry Christmas, Greg. - Merry Christmas.

- Marge! - I'm really proud of you.

- You're kidding. - Yes.

Hey, you guys. You're not mad, are you?

- No, of course not. - Congratulations, Zach.

Nice to see you both.

Watch out. He's dangerous.

- Molly! - Zach!

- Hi, Molly! - I'd like you to meet Steven.

- Nice to meet you. How are you? - How are you, Steven?

- We read your book. - Yeah?

Great. Thank you.

- Ah, what do you do, Steven? - I'm a fireman.

Nice move.

Curt. How are you?

I, uh... I think you remember this lady.

How could I forget? She used to borrow my socks.

- Would you like me to get you another drink? - Please.

Good for you.

Thanks. How's the duck?

Last time I heard, he was thinking

of moving to Washington and getting married.

- To you? - No.

Still got cold feet?

Only where you're concerned.

Alex, I've stopped drinking. I've written a best-seller.

In my book, two out of three ain't bad.

No, but in my book,

two out of three just ain't good enough.

What would you do if I told you

that I've been celibate for six months?

Cross my legs.

Alex, we were made for each other.

And I'm gonna prove that to you.

One of these days, you're gonna be wearing my socks again.

- (MUSIC STOPS) - (APPLAUSE)

(PIANO PLAYING)

- Hey. - Hey.

I think it's the best thing you've ever written.

Really?

Your book set me on fire.

Rebecca, I think there's something you should know.

Yes, Zach?

In order for me to write this book, I had to...

Change.

- Oh, Zach. - Yes, Rebecca?

Have you ever heard the story of the frog and the scorpion?

MAN: (ON RADIO) KBLA now concludes its broadcast day.

("STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS)

- When are you gonna grow up? - What are you talking about?

I've stopped drinking, I've written a best-seller,

and refused to sleep with a beautiful,

lusty, aromatic young female.

In my book, that's pretty good growing up.

Oh, I suppose so.

But you're in a monogamous relationship now,

so take it off.

ZACH: Okay, but you're not being very patriotic.

(IVAN NEVILLE'S "FALLING OUT OF LOVE" PLAYS)

♪ Don't know why it seems ♪

♪ Like a long, long time ♪

♪ Since I've been On the move, oh ♪

♪ I'm just trying To find my way ♪

♪ Don't know my name Living day to day ♪

♪ Just a little boy Who wants to have his way ♪

♪ I just can't keep still ♪

♪ And I'm falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels ♪

♪ Like I'm running Out of time ♪

♪ Sand slipping Through my fingers ♪

♪ Like rivers through my mind ♪

♪ On the corner ♪

♪ Hanging with the boys ♪

♪ I always will be ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ In and out of love ♪

♪ In and out of love ♪

♪ Out of love ♪

♪ Just fooling around ♪

♪ Can't slow down ♪

♪ Should have listened To what my daddy said ♪

♪ Just want to be cool ♪

♪ Another fool ♪

♪ I can't keep still ♪

♪ And I'm feeling Kind of blue ♪

♪ My eyes are red ♪

♪ But something Keeps telling me ♪

♪ That I know Just what's gonna become ♪

♪ Of this little boy ♪

♪ Inside this heart of mine ♪

♪ I keep on ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Just another child With a story to tell ♪

♪ I can't keep still ♪

♪ And I'm falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪

♪ Just enough time To live my life ♪

♪ I can't keep still ♪

♪ And I'm falling out of love ♪

♪ Falling out of love ♪