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My new friends! Rory's letting me blow his chanter.

You just need to learn to finger it.

I will remember everything.

I fancy you.

I wanna have sex with you. I can't do it from out here!

Here I come, Cass. I'm coming.

This programme contains strong language, scenes of a sexual nature

and some that viewers might find upsetting.

get yourself down here?!

Fucking hell.

You'd better help me here or...! >

All right!

All right.

you fucking thing!

Hit the video button.

We can talk.

Come on, you ditzy moo, it's the big fucking red button marked "video".

For Christ's sake!

Sidney! >

Big fucking red button!

There you are!

Hey, sexy!

Cass.

Cass?

Yes, you do, turn on your sodding speakers! Cass.

Is it not working?

(CASSIE) No. >

Huh?

Sid. For Christ's sake. You made me

buy that frigging Dyson and I can't make the pissing thing..

That's...

..my girlfriend.

Right.

Right.

Because...

Oh, fuck, no!

Fuck!

What do you think?

Sex on a stick, so you are.

Thanks, Lachlan.

But the pink one ain't bad either. Eh, no, Rory?

Aye. He's a lucky, lucky gadge, this Sidney.

He's lovely!

I'm going to surprise him.

Look at this.

You think he'll like it? >

Jings, you're almost turning me straight here!

Love is in the air! Eh, no, Rory?

I'm feelin' it.

It's one of those things, shit happens.

Is that the best you've got, Dad?

You always get my best, son.

Because she's... >

Well, she says she loves me, then she waltzes off to Elgin,

now she's fucking the Scottish rugby team! >

No. She's only fucking one of them.

Stop trying to console me. I'm inconsolable, OK?

OK, OK! It's just...

It's just women, you know?

Hang on, are we comparing women here? >

I don't know.

Mum left you because you were a total, world championship cretin.

I'm not sure that that's...

Mine's done this cos I'm a gullible soft touch who's

far, far, far too fucking nice for his own good. There's no comparison, OK?

But you've worked it out then.

Didn't you?

What is this thing?!

Attach the guide nozzle to the flange circulator? What the fuck?!

Dad... >

Your mother'll be here in a minute. We've gotta get this...

We've gotta clear it up. And maybe...

She's not coming back because you tidied the house, Dad.

Yeah? Yeah? Oh, please. Something work.

What time's your Dad arriving?

12.

We can do it if we concentrate.

I thought he hated you.

Who said my dad hates me?

Well, you did, didn't you?

He's not well. We've got a few issues.

DOORBELL

Fuck!

We should have started earlier!

We should have started earlier!

Hey!

Anwar.

How you doing, man?

I'm not too good, as it goes, actually.

Right. I just thought I'd pop round, wonder if you're busy.

In the bedroom department.

Huh?

Your bedroom, is it currently in use?

My mum's coming so she can pretend to still be married to my dad for my grandad.

But this won't take long.

What?

This is Sketch.

Yeah, I know who she is. She stalked Maxxie, she got our drama teacher

wrongly fired for sexual abuse and she tried to poison Michelle.

Yes.

Sketch!

I've come to my senses.

She's sorry.

Boy, she's sorry.

Thing is, Sid, sex hasn't been invented yet round at my place.

Tricky with 2,000 years of religious tradition.

So me and Sketch were wondering if we could...

Come on. My whole family's gonna be here in an hour.

It won't take long.

It never takes long.

You don't mind do you, Sidney?

I do, actually, you know I...

Oh, whatever.

This is gut, ja?

Oh, yes, Manfred. It's lovely, but I've got to go.

Thanks for the lift.

But you will hurry, and tonight we will have much more great sex, ja?

Ja. I mean, yes, yes.

Oh-h-h! Yikes!

You are liking it like that, huh?

Oh, fuck...

Oh, fucking hell.

I've got to go. I've really, really got to go.

Jesus wept. Does she have to do that?

I mean, what kind of a fucked-up relationship is it

where you have to jump each other every time you say goodbye?

where you have to jump each other every time you say goodbye? A good one?

'Jesus...'

Jesus, Je... Bollocks!

(CLEARS THROAT) Hi, Sid.

Hi, Mum.

Mark.

Liz.

Oh, you all right, Sid?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You smell of something.

Um...

You hate perfume.

Manfred likes it.

Oh! I'm sure Manfred fucking loves it.

I'm sure Manfred loves rolling into Belgium,

rounding up the Jews and sending them to Poland,

but hey, that's Blitzkrieg for you,

and Manfred's gotta have his Opium-scented Lebensraum. Right?

He can't help being German.

He can't help being German. Who can?

Right, perhaps I should go home.

You should come home.

Why on earth did you tell your father that we were together again?

After that night, you know, when you stayed...

Oh.

But that was just...

I mean, you stayed and we... I thought...

You...

You stayed?

It was just one time.

Oh.

You know how the old bastard loves you.

I never got round to telling him you were just fucking with my head.

Right, that's it. I'm going.

(BOTH) No!

Liz...

..I can't make the sodding Hoover work.

Oh, for Christ sakes.

Sid, load the dishwasher. Have you any cigarettes?

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

HOOVER ON

MUFFLED THUMPS

RHYTHMIC KNOCKING

Oh, God.

Godfather. The Godfather Part Two. >

Apocalypse Now. >

The Conversation...

It's not working.

HOOVER OFF

You gotta get some staying power.

You gotta get some staying power. Oh, God.

Don't you dare, boyo. I am far, far from satisfied. >

OK. Oh...shit. >

Ahhh... >

Oh, fucking hell. >

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hallo, Mrs Jenkins.

Hallo, Anwar.

Um...

This is Sketch.

Nice to meet you.

Sid didn't mention you were back.

Sid didn't mention you were back. Yes, I'm not staying.

Mum, you don't need to... I can tidy my own...

Oh...shit!

Hmmph! Just having a lovely chat with Anwar and his, um, new friend.

How's your mum, Anwar? I must give her a ring some time.

Yeah, yeah, she's fine,

she's fine.

She's fine, yeah, but, you know...

Muslim.

She's been a bit busy Muslim...

Yeah... >

She doesn't know I have sex.

Anyway...

Make sure you come again soon, Anwar.

Yeah, cheers.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Isn't this nice?

Yeah.

Nice.

How's Cassie?

Still missing you, I bet.

Actually, no.

I don't think she's missing me at all.

Really? How's that?

Oh, the usual. Woman dumps him for no good reason

without even explaining herself,

falls into bed with some random idiot with a big cock,

you know the kind of thing.

That's rotten, Sid. I'm sorry.

I haven't been keeping up properly.

No.

I could explain, but it wouldn't make any difference.

To me it would.

You heard him. It would help if you explained.

I mean, we're all here. Let's explain.

DOORBELL

Bloody hell. He's early!

Jesus Christ!

Later, OK?

Liza!

How are you, Alex?

Och, embracing adversity as ever, my dear.

But borne aloft by the sight of you, lassie.

Hi, Dad.

You're going grey - what have ye been doing?

You're going grey - what have ye been doing? Nothing.

Sandy! What a nice surprise.

Sandy! What a nice surprise. Aye, I ken it is, eh, no?

Ah!

You've brought the boys.

They've been fair jumpin' wi' excitement, ken, aye?

Right. ..Hallo, Lex.

It's nice.

How's the work?

It's fine.

Interesting? >

What is it you do?

Strategic analyst, Dad. OK?

Aye.

Well...done any good, um...

analysing recently?

I do my best.

Well...as long as you've done your best.

Aye, that's the main thing, Da.

That's the main thing. >

PHONE RINGS

Who's that?

Nobody.

Uh?

You still in the school, boy?

Oh, A-levels, you know?

A-levels? I hear they make them nice and easy for you down here.

What?

Subjects?

Um, English, drama and psychology.

Psychology? It's piss easy.

No need o' psychology, staring doon the sights o' a Stinger missile, ken, aye?

Maybe Sidney is gonna be a...

strategic analyst like his father.

strategic analyst like his father. I might, if my grades are good enough.

Never rated grades. Few years in the Paratroopers like Sandy here,

that's wisdom.

Aye. You learn early. You learn hard.

So now he's taking over the business.

He's what?

I'm standing aside...

because of my illness.

The doctors are shaking their heads. Nae idea.

Pure phenomenal, Da.

It's will. Iron will!

Guts. Determination.

Never say die, and here I have it.

My legacy.

Sandy? Sandy's gonna run 12 dry-cleaning shops?

17.

Bathgate is opening up. City of the future.

I'm leaving the business in safe hands.

Is that what you've come to tell me?

Och, no. Wouldnae have bothered coming all that way for...

No, I'm buying a wee holiday place

in Devon for Sandy and the weans here.

Nothing too fancy.

1.7 million, ken, aye.

Small change. Ye cannae put too high a price on loyalty, eh, no Liza?

No, Alex. But my names's not...

No, Alex. But my names's not... Liza, you're a saint.

A good cook is a saint.

And she's a saint for taking pity on you.

She took you back.

(SIGHS)

Lucky.

So...

Do you wanna go on the swing?

Slide?

Spliff?

No? Say anything you like doing. Anything at all.

Fitba.

You what?

Fitba.

Oh!

Think I've got one...

Used to... A-ha!

Football!

Not too good at this.

How about I go in goal and...?

Square go!

Square go! Aargh!

Ya bastard!

Ya bastard! Stick the heid on him!

(GROANS)

(SOBS)

Ow!

Hold still.

Will I tell him what we used to do to bullies in the desert, pal?

But...I didn't.

I'm sure it was an accident, Sandy.

I'm sure it was an accident, Sandy. We used to tie them to the bonnet o' the Saracen,

roast their bollocks for a couple o' hours, ken, aye.

You'll never dance the fucking samba again.

That's enough. >

Aye, Da.

Sidney's sorry. Aren't ye, son?

Yes.

There you go. >

Sorted like men. >

Now, if you'll just tell us where we're sleeping, hen.

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute! You're staying?

Couple of days. Three, tops.

Don't want to put you out.

PUMP WHIRRS

INAUDIBLE

I am not sleeping with you just cos your fucking dad's here!

I am not sleeping with you just cos your fucking dad's here! I had no idea they were staying.

Why don't you stand up to him? Tell him.

I can't. He's dying for Christ's sake!

I can't. He's dying for Christ's sake! Oh! I'm going home.

Tell me there's not a part of you that wants to stay with me tonight.

Tell me there's not a part of you that wants to stay with me tonight. Mark...

You're not good for me.

Tell me you don't love me.

Tell him you don't love him.

Then you can fucking stop this. OK?

PHONE RINGS

Answer it.

Hallo. >

No, I'm still here.

Yes, well, it's a bit difficult. (SIGHS)

No, I'm sorry, Manfred. I meant to text but... Don't!

No. No, of course not.

(RAISED VOICE ON PHONE)

Oh, Manfred.

Manfred!

You're not coming round!

No. No!

Yes, Dad.

I cannae get hot water.

What? You have to jiggle the thing.

Then fix it, man. What's wrong with you?

I haven't had the time.

Time?

Time?!

How long does it take to strip down a shower unit? Minutes!

Da! Da! >

It's OK.

Sorted. Some eejit forced the pressure regulator.

Aye...

So...

I'm going. I'm going to bed.

Handsome young lassie, always said that.

Och, aye. She's steamy. (CHUCKLES)

I hope I can sleep tonight in that bed.

Man in my condition.

Night, bro.

Alex, Sandy, Lex, Ally.

Kinda weird.

They're all called Alexander.

Yup.

Except you.

Except me.

Why don't you stand up to him?

Dad's always been ill.

What with?

It's, er...

I don't actually know.

I think every time I see him, it's gonna be the last time and...

You can't take chances with that.

He calls you stupid and useless and crap.

My father's disappointed.

They often are.

Is that how you see me?

Never.

I'm useless and crap.

I fuck everything up and it drives you mad.

You hear me, Sid?

Never.

Make her stay.

RINGING TONE

RINGING TONE

RINGING TONE

RINGING TONE

Mark.

Get into bed.

I'll probably never change that much.

Don't talk.

Just do something.

I want you to do some...

Oh, ja...ist gut...!

What?!

Nothing.

RINGING TONE

RINGING TONE

Sid?

Sid, you there?

I found the button.

Sid?

I can see you!

Wow! That's so cool.

I could fucking see everything you were doing.

What?

Oh, God! No, that was...

I'm such a tit.

'Sid?'

I just thought...

'I'm so stupid.

'Nothing ever works out, does it? Nobody ever waits.'

Nobody ever loves anyone properly, do they?

You've got it wrong, Sid.

Just leave me alone.

You rang me!

All right. All right!

Don't you trust me, Sid?

No. I don't trust you.

'You're up there fucking Oor Fucking Wullie or

'whoever the fuck it is and...'

I can't talk to you.

Fuck! Fuck!

DISTANT CAR REVS

BRAKES SQUEAL

Shit!

CAR ALARM BLARES

Gott in Himmel!

Where is she? Lizzie! Com raus!

Lizzie! Liebchen!

You must come with me!

No, Manfred, please!

Who the fuck's this?

Manfred. He's a...friend.

Leave it to me!

Screw you, man! I vant my chick!

What... Who? Aargh!

Square go.

Get out! Aaagh!

I vant my baby! And vat I vant, I take!

Stop!

But, he is ein plinker!

You are saying, he is ein plinker!

Plonker.

Right...

I was angry.

It's fine.

Manfred, you're bleeding. I'm going to take you to hospital.

I feel nothing! Nothing...

I'll call you in a couple of days.

I need time to think. OK?

Manfred? Manfred? Raus!

(HE GROANS AND MUMBLES)

Cannae hold on to your woman, eh?

Fuck off out of my house, you miserable Scottish cunt.

You... You, you...what?!

I know what your game is, Alex.

It's a fucking good yin. But I'm no' buying it. You got me?

It's OK, Sid. They're all leaving!

Right now!

(SIGHS)

Yup.

I think I dumped Cassie.

She's with some guy.

They're always with some guy.

If they're special,

you just have to make sure that that guy...

is you.

All right? >

Thanks, Dad.

No problem, son.

(HUMS "FLOWER OF SCOTLAND")

PIANO PICKS UP TUNE

BIRDS SING

Little Scottish bastards.

Hey, Cassie. Everything was a bit weird.

Look, I'm sorry about last night.

Er, we need to talk now.

Everything's...

Jesus, the fucking signal in this house!

RINGING TONE

'Sorry. The user has blocked your call.'

Idiot!

Ah, fuck!

Dad?

Dad?

You sure you're OK with that, Tony?

It's fine. Give me a sec.

Maybe you should take it easy, mate.

Jesus, Chris, maybe you should take it easy!

Nah. Angie's coming back today. I'm a bit...

She's been in touch?

Not as such. But I know she still loves me, of course.

Chris. She's your psychology teacher. It was just a fling.

No, it wasn't. OK? She needed her space.

Right, and now I really need her naked, buffed, gagging and slippy

in my bed, because...

You know, four months without sex, that ain't funny.

You probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.

Huh?

You don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.

I do... I mean, I have had...

Look, we're not counting fapping here, Jal, right,

cos if we were, I'd have had sex 14 times in two days.

I haven't had sex for...

A long time.

Right. OK, in summary then, we all need some pussy action.

And I shall be getting mine tonight with the lovely Angela. >

Hey, you all right Sid?

You two still not talking?

He stopped coming round.

He stopped coming round. Tony, he sat with you for months.

He read fucking Anna Karenina to you.

I don't remember. He must have stopped.

Mate.

Hey, Sid. Do your coursework?

No...

Hi.

Hi.

First of all, I've had a word with the Imam at Redcliffe Mosque

about the school musical last month.

I explained that it was all meant to be ironic

and he was very understanding.

He's not exactly sure who imposed the fatwa, but it wasn't him.

Probably somebody in Iran.

So - what a relief.

And secondly, I have to inform you that Angela will not be returning

to teach psychology at the college.

She's sent me this message.

"Dear everyone. I'll never forget you and hope

"you all do great in the A2s." Well, that's nice, isn't it?

And I don't quite understand this.

"Tell Monkeyman I'll miss the spaghetti." Anyone?

In the meantime, I'll be doing my best.

Biology, psychology, is there really any difference?

So folders open, and let's make a start on...

Loss! Oh, fantastic!

So what do we all know about loss?

FLOOR CLEANER WHIRRS

Sid?

I didn't know what to do. So I came to college.

What's happened?

Everyone says you looked after me when I was...iconic.

Intimate.

Fuck! Fuck!

Ill...

I mean, ill.

I just can't remember you.

I reckon it was pretty scary.

I know why you stopped coming. I would have, too.

It was so awful.

You were so awful.

That bus fucked you up so bad, Tone.

I just couldn't...

I know.

What's happened?

I can't say it.

Know how that feels.

Let's go for a drink.

Sid?

# Fading pictures of what I never saw

# Show me the way to what I'm looking for

# But what I see, yeah

# I see it just doesn't exist no more

# It's a long way down to get to the top

# But I'll keep going, yeah, I'll never stop

# Because I know

# Yeah, I know just what I'm here for

# I'm just another man with something up his sleeve

# And I'll do what I can to let you see what I see

# And I don't know why

# You always start to cry when the sun comes up

# Saying you want to survive

# We'll keep on going, yeah. #

SONG ENDS, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Tony! Hi! Tony!

Oh. Hi, Abi.

Aren't we so kicking?

James says he wants me to sing lead on his next song he writes

because I'm like totally Performance Art.

Anyway, I bet you can't wait to take me home tonight, yah?

I'm with Sid.

You wouldn't desert your girlfriend, OK?

You're not his girlfriend.

Well, actually I don't think you get to decide that, Sidney.

Tony loves Michelle.

They're having a few problems.

But I know whatever you've told him is a total lie.

So fuck off and leave him alone. OK?

Tony! You remember?

I have nipples like creme caramels, yah?

Sid says I love Michelle.

No!

You... You...

I'll be back.

(MC) The moment you've all been waiting for. Crystal Castles. Yeah!

CHEERING

Woo woo woo!

CHEERING, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

EDGY ELECTRONIC TECHNO INTRO

# Scars on you... #

ELECTRONIC MUSIC BEGINS TO DISTORT OPPRESSIVELY

DISTORTION CLEARS

DOOR CLOSES

Where?

I can't go in.

Yes, you can.

Come on.

Ficking hell.

Fucking...

Yeah.

Dad?

Is this really happening?

I think so.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do to him.

Ring someone.

I can't,

they'll come.

They'll all fucking come.

Do you think he'd mind?

He was so happy.

My mum.

Oh, Christ.

OK.

Dad?

What do I do?

KEYPAD TONES

Mum?

# Come pick me up

# Take me out

# Fuck me up

# Steal my records

# Screw all my friends

# Behind my back

# With a smile on your face

# And you'd do it again

# I wish I could

# I wish I could... #

You went to see Tony? It's over, Sid. It's a present. For the good times.

Allahu Akbar!

# When you're walking downtown

# Do you wish I was there?

# With the windows clear

# And the mannequins' eyes

# Do they all look like mine? #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd