Original subtitles

♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

KYLE: Otherwise, he's dead weight.

TREVOR: It's hard to respect you

when you say such idiotic things.

KYLE: It's idiotic not to see

that Hawkeye is easily the coolest Avenger.

TREVOR: With the same weapon Robin Hood used.

♪ (MUSIC BUILDS) ♪

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - Way to go, Stuart.

- How's this my fault? - Your name in the title.

So what? I'm frozen for all eternity

with my ass sticking out?

That's how they get 12-year-old boys

to buy comic books, honey.

Can anybody see where we are?

Uh... Uh...

Best I could tell, we're with the new releases

between Marvel and Vertigo.

(WITH RHOTACISM) You weft out,

twapped on the cover of a comic book.

I thought that was implied.

♪ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪

♪ Stuart tries To reset our lives ♪

♪ But he fails To save the universe ♪

♪ He's our only chance And he tries and he tries ♪

♪ But he fails To save the universe ♪

♪ (CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪

♪ Stuart fails ♪

♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Ah, ah, what are you doing?

It said, "don't sell," not "don't read."

First of all, "it" is a he.

You don't know that.

- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ - (SIGHS) It sounds like a he.

You're making a gender-based assumption.

When has an omnipotent swirling bowl of shit

ever been a girl?

There are plenty of all-powerful goddesses.

Gaia, Hera, the hot chick in American Gods

who sucked guys up into her business.

(SIGHS) Put it back.

Narc.

♪ (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Still waiting on a plan, Stuart.

I got a plan. You want to hear my plan?

- Bite me. - Come on, guys.

More importantly, who trapped us here and how?

I'm guessing it's whoever put me in that insane asylum.

Can we please chat about this when I'm able

to reach down and scratch my balls?

Where's Bert?

Bert, where are you, big guy?

- BERT KIBBLER: Page two. - What?

BERT: Walk towards the big splash page. Can't miss it.

(SHOES SQUEAKING)

STUART BLOOM: Huh.

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- STUART: (GRUNTS) Ow. - BERT: Watch out for staples.

(TRAFFIC WHIZZING)

(ECHOING WHOOSH)

- Oh, thank God. We're out. - ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- Actually, we're deeper in. - Deeper into a comic book?

Pretty cool, huh?

No, not pretty cool. How do we proceed now, my wiege?

How's this? You walk that way, we'll walk this way,

and hopefully never see each other again.

Whoa, where is this hostiwity coming from?

Meanwhile, we're trapped inside a comic book.

You know what? This is actually great.

Whatever put us here made a huge mistake.

Who knows more about comic books than Stuart David Bloom?

- Frank Miller? Alan Moore? - No one.

My sad, miserable childhood has led me to this moment.

Comic books are my superpower.

- Okay, prove it. Where are we? - Let's see. Uh...

City Hall, Wayne Tower,

two miles down that way, Arkham Asylum.

We're in Gotham City. Home of... Anyone?

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Batman.

- (CHUCKLES) - How can I not love you?

So what? We just find Batman and he'll get us out of here?

Denise.

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Batman won't help you.

He's just a rich asshole with dead parents.

Yeah, that's only funny once.

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Go fuck yourself.

Wait a second.

- ♪ (INTRIGUING MUSICAL STING) ♪ - Wait a second.

- Cosmic Treadmill. - Cosmic-what now?

Brilliant. The Flash. He has the Cosmic Treadmill.

At the wisk of sounding wedundant,

- cosmic-what now? - Cosmic Treadmill.

It allows the Flash to move between universes.

Tweadmill? Like at 24 Hour Fitness?

No, but yeah.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

If we need a superhero, why not just get Superman?

So just get Superman?

There's no way we can get Superman.

He's an A-list character.

The Flash, on the other hand, very gettable.

He'll open a supermarket.

(SIGHS) Okay, where do we wocate Mr. Flash?

He's in Central City.

And where is that?

According to DC canon, roughly around Kansas City.

- Tewwific. And we are in... - We're in New Jersey.

Gotham City isn't New York?

No, and guess what? Metropolis is in Delaware.

No way.

Way. Amazing World of DC Comics #14.

They're twin cities.

Fascinating. Wet's find an airport.

Yeah. This way.

You might find this interesting. Gotham's airport is named

after DC comic writer Archie Goodwin.

I do not find that interesting.

♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(PLANE ENGINE RUMBLING)

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

All right, folks, I've got good news and bad news.

Looks like they cleared up the maintenance issue,

but our crew has timed out,

so we're gonna have to wait for the backup crew to show up.

In the meantime,

we're handing out ten-dollar meal vouchers.

Pro tip, avoid the airport sushi.

You hungry?

I hate to say it, but now I want sushi.

I don't get it.

We're in an action-packed comic book.

How is sitting for hours in an airport a story?

♪ (ENERGETIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (SINGERS SCATTING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(IMITATING BATMAN) I've seen darkness.

(IMITATING PENGUIN) You've not seen it dark enough.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Kyle, can you come here?

- I'm busy. - Please?

- What? - I was reading the comic,

and they're not on the cover anymore

You idiot.

- Where are they? - Don't panic.

They're flying to Central City. It's kind of boring.

- Denise has diarrhea. - Oh, whoa, whoa. This is bad.

Please don't tell him.

I don't need to tell him. He's all-knowing.

(WARBLING WHOOSH)

- THE ADVERSARY: Oh, Trevor. - Oh, Trevor.

In my defense, you said don't sell it,

not don't read it. So...

- (TREVOR GROANING) - (ENERGY BEAM WHOOSHING)

Between you and me, I never liked him.

THE ADVERSARY: Mr. Freeze.

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

THE ADVERSARY: You know what to do.

So, you gonna stick around? I could order up some Chinese.

(WARBLING WHOOSH)

♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(TRAFFIC WHIZZING)

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - Where to?

- Look who it is. - Oh. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, terrific.

Any time.

Yeah, "comic books are my superpower."

- Where we going? - STUART: Uh, give me a minute.

- (METER DINGS) - Meter's running.

Maybe you can help us out. We need to find the Flash.

Oh, sure. He has an office midtown

in between an H&R Block and a Quiznos.

I believe he's screwing with us.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

All right, uh, where would he hang out?

He's in the Justice League.

That's in a geosynchronous space station

20,000 miles above the equator.

- Cops gonna make me move. - Uh, let me think.

Barry Allen, the Flash,

works in the crime lab of the Central City Police.

The Central City Police Department?

- Yes, thank you. - (GASPS)

- There he is! The Flash! - Quick, follow him!

You want me to follow the Flash?

If you wouldn't mind.

- Get out of my cab. - ♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Nice to see you.

ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) The white zone is for the loading and unloading

of passengers only. No parking.

- ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Oh, my God! Gary!

He sure does die a lot.

- DENISE: Oh, my God. - (MR. FREEZE LAUGHING EVILLY)

It's Mr. Freeze!

(LAUGHS)

(FREEZE GUN CLICKS, HUMS)

- (YELPS) - ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

- (GROANS) - ♪ (EXCITING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (WHOOSHING BLASTS) - (ALL GASP)

BARRY KRIPKE: Run, everyone!

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪ - Stuart Bloom!

♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

He's not here.

Prepare to die.

Way ahead of you.

(LAUGHS)

Not today, Mr. Freeze.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Gutter ball.

We should keep running for our lives.

Yeah.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

That's not the Flash. That's the, uh, FTD guy.

No, that was the Golden Age Flash.

- So, we're on Earth-2? - Not necessarily.

In 1985, Crisis on Infinite Earths merged.

Duck!

I'm confused. Mr. Freeze is a Batman villain.

Flash should be fighting Captain Cold.

Really? That's what we're focused on right now?

(WHOOSHING)

(WHOOSHING BLAST)

What's happening?

Uh, Mr. Freeze is making an ice lasso.

He's gonna-- Oh, wait, no.

The Flash shook it apart with superspeed vibrations.

Uh, uh, now Mr. Freeze is...

He's making an ice locomotive to run over--

Oh, no, it's gone. I guess the Flash did something.

I-- I couldn't see.

Uh, uh, now Mr. Freeze is making a giant ice wall.

Now it's gone. Yeah, we get it.

Why is Mr. Freeze trying to kill us?

It doesn't matter. This is great.

- How? - Don't you get it?

We're not background characters anymore.

When Mr. Freeze showed up, we became the "A" story,

which caused the Flash to find us.

Oh, no!

Oh, Mr. Freeze has frozen the Flash in a block of ice!

He's helpless! Wait, no! Something's happening.

Oh, it's real fast.

Can't really tell what's going on. Wait, wait.

Oh. A tornado is hurling Mr. Freeze into space!

Holy cow! This is amazing. I wish you guys could see this.

(ECHOING WHOOSH)

- Are you folks okay? - ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

We're great. Thanks. Listen, we've been trying to get ahold of you.

We're tra-- Son of a bitch. He...

What a dick.

♪ (PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

I don't know why we couldn't just come here in the first place.

Sorry, I thought a guy with a secret identity

would have an unlisted address.

If I was a member of the Justice League,

I'd live in a gated community.

Technically, Golden Age Flash was in the Justice Society,

which is the predecessor of the Justice League.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Does he talk comic books

- in the boudoir? - Sometimes. Ka-pow!

- ♪ (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Can I help you?

- Amy? - Yes?

Is this the Garrick residence?

- Yes. - ♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Uh, I'm... I'm confused.

Jay Garrick's girlfriend is Joan.

(SCOFFS) Joan.

Joan took her Subaru and headed to Portland,

if you know what I mean.

- Can I help you? - JAY GARRICK: Honey?

- Who is it? - Beats me.

- We need your help. - We know you're the Flash.

- No, I'm not. - Yeah, you are.

No, I'm really not.

We know about the accident in the lab

and the bolt of lightning.

Actually, this version of the Flash

gained his super speed by inhaling radioactive vapors

while taking a smoke break.

Smoking and running?

- Really, Jay? - Well, it was a different time.

(JAY HESITATES)

I mean, I'm not the Flash.

(SIGHS) Just let 'em in.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Smell that? I think he still smokes.

So wait, you're telling me in one of the universes,

you had cow stomachs and ate grass?

In one, I was a penguin.

- Sorry about that. - No, I had it coming.

Oh, this is the most ridiculous story I've ever heard.

(SCOFFS) You want ridiculous?

You fought against Captain Boomerang,

Captain Cold, and Captain Nazi.

Hey, those were all formidable enemies.

Boomerang kept coming back.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

- I made rugelach. - JAY: Thanks, honey.

So, what's this all about?

They want me to use the Cosmic Treadmill

- to get back to their universe. - Oh, great. Let them have it

so I can park my car in the damn garage.

They can't operate it without my super speed.

Oh, can I ask you a personal question about that?

It's over before I even know it started.

- JAY: Amy. - She asked.

Who wants a Dr. Brown's?

Well, I never say no to a diet black chewwy.

Coming right up.

(CLEARS THROAT) All right.

If I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna need to change.

♪ (HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC SWELLS) ♪

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ - Amy, where's my helmet?

AMY FARRAH FOWLER: In the secret closet.

JAY: No, it's not.

- AMY: Are you even looking? - Yes, I'm looking.

I see your rollerblades.

What are your rollerblades doing in my secret closet?

AMY: I don't know. What's your cosmic treadmill doing in the garage?

Can you not run without the helmet?

(SIGHS) I can. It's just not as cool.

♪ (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Do the ankle wings do anything?

No. They came with the boots.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Oh, look at that. (CHUCKLES) Found my helmet.

- AMY: Mazel tov. - Oh, yeah. Real cool.

- So how does this work? - I start running.

When I get it up to speed, you grab onto the handles.

♪ (RIVETING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- And? - JAY: And I don't know.

You let go when you're in the universe you're looking for.

(COSMIC TREADMILL BEEPS)

This doesn't feel very thought out.

We... We're 100 percent sure Superman's not available?

- MR. FREEZE: Stuart Bloom! - (LOUD RUMBLING)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(FREEZE GUN HUMS)

Prepare to die.

Again.

Ándawe, Flash. Ándawe.

- (ECHOING WHOOSH) - ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Oh, fuck me!

(YELPS, GROANS)

♪ (UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(ECHOING) See anything you like yet?

How about this one?

- (PORTAL WARBLES) - ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(GROUP PANTS)

(PANTS) Perfect. Thanks.

All right. Got to go. Shabbat with my in-laws.

- Whoo-hoo. - (COSMIC TREADMILL BEEPS)

(ECHOING WHOOSH)

- ♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ - Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Hey, Kyle. - Hey.

Oh, this is not good. This is so not good.

Nice to see you, too.

You don't understand.

If he sees you here, he's going to be angry,

and he's going to look for someone to blame.

And I already threw Trevor under the bus.

Well, wucky for you, we're not hanging awound.

(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES)

Holy cwap!

Ah, fellas, you might want to take a wook.

Oh, oh, uh, um...

- (WIND HOWLING FAINTLY) - ♪ (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

This is not Pasadena.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What the hell was that?

(LOW ECHOING RUMBLE)

♪ (EERIE CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

♪ (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪

♪ (ROBOTIC RENDITION OF THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪

♪ Stuart tries To reset our lives ♪

♪ But he fails To save the universe ♪

♪ He's our only chance And he tries and he tries ♪

♪ But he fails To save the universe ♪

♪ Stuart tries but he fails ♪

- ♪ Fails ♪ - ♪ Fails ♪

♪ (CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪

- ♪ Fails ♪ - ♪ (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪