Original subtitles

LITTLE GIRL: Mummy, come and play.

For fuck's sake, Lisa …

… not again.

LISA: Mummy …

(ALARM CLOCK BLARES)

(YAWNS) Fuck off.

WOMAN: Turn it off.

Come on, mate.

Unh!

(ALARM BLEEPS)

Don't ignore it, Shauny.

(MUMBLES)

You'll be late for school.

(WHINES) For how many to fucking times, Smell?

It's not called school, it's called college.

Whatever you want to call it, Shauny … it's dead sexy.

We need to get you a portfolio and a beret.

Why would I wear a beret?! It's a drama course, not an arts course.

- Oh, stop being such a grumpy gums. - Get your fucking finger out of my mouth!

(LAUGHS)

Are you getting the bus?

Yeah.

Is it going to be a late bus?

I don't know, just normal time.

An early bus?

(GROANS) In about half an hour or something.

Do you want to go for a ride?

No!

Please …

No, I can't be bothered.

I've been wanking you all week. Wank me.

No! So what?

- Please, wank me! - No.

Why?

Cos I don't want to. I can't be bothered. My mum's downstairs.

Oh, well, just lend me your finger, then.

No! Use your own filthy fingers.

Just put your little finger …

No! Use your own fingers.

- Oh, why? - You've got all day.

- Put your finger in me! - Get off!

I want you to put your Christmas Tail in me.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting!

Britain was known for suffering from the British disease.

Now we are known for having the British cure.

♪ All men have secrets and here is mine So let it be known

♪ We have been through hell and high tide I can surely rely on you

♪ And yet you start to recoil Heavy words are so lightly thrown

♪ But still I'd leap in front of a

♪ Flying bullet for you

♪ So what difference does it ma-ake?

♪ So what difference does it ma-ake?

♪ It makes none

♪ But now you have gone

♪ And you must be looking very old tonight

♪ The devil will find work for idle hands to do

♪ I've stole and I've tied And why?

♪ Because you asked me to

♪ But now you make me feel so ashamed

♪ Because I've only got two hands

♪ Well, I'm still fond of you

♪ Oh, ho-ho

♪ But no more apologies Ey-ey-ies

♪ No more apologies Oh, oh-oh-oh

♪ I'm too tired

♪ I'm so very tired

♪ And I'm feeling very sick and ill today

♪ But I'm still fond of you

♪ Oh, ho-ho …

♪ Oh, my sacred one!

♪ Oh-oh Oh-oh

♪ Oh, oh-ho

♪ Oh-oh Oh-oh

♪ Oh-oh Oh, oh-ho

♪ Oh-oh Oh-oh

♪ Oh-oh Oh, oh-ho

♪ Oh-oh Oh-oh

♪ Oh-oh Oh, oh-ho … ♪

(MUSICAL TOY PLAYS)

TOY: Star light, star bright.

(MUSICAL TOY PLAYS)

(CRACK AND MUSIC STOPS)

Stop bouncing.

Stop doing that.

(TWINKLING BELLS)

Not that toy, please, Lisa.

No, you can put that one back.

LISA: Ooh!

(LOL SIGHS)

(MUSICAL TOY: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star)

(LISA HUMS: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star)

TOY: ♪ Rock-a-bye, baby On the … ♪

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, what have you done?

Nothing.

No, you've just spilt water all over the floor. About nothing?

- WOODY: Very clever. - MR WOODFORD: Very, very good idea.

He's demanding there, Mam. He wants some of your toast, I think.

Well, he can't have it. He's got some in there.

- Has he? - Mm.

- Eat that there. - Haven't you, eh?

- Eh, look at this! - MRS WOODFORD: Oh!

Room at the inn for a little one?

- Are you all right, love? - Morning, Ritchey.

- Are you all right, sweetheart? - Morning, Mr and Mrs Woodford.

MR AND MRS WOODFORD: Morning, Jennifer love.

You know, you can call us by our first names now, you know.

Sorry I keep forgetting. Morning, Barbara.

Morning, love.

Does that mean she can she start calling you Dick now, Dad?

- I'll give you blooming Dick. - You bloody won't.

Dirty bugger! I'll ring ChildLine.

Hey?

Eh?

- Give you dick? I'll give you dick. - Ritchey!

(SQUEALING AND CHEERING)

WOODY: That is brilliant!

That is a bit … that's a bit near the knuckle.

- It's a bit early for that, isn't it? - Woody …

Mam likes it. Mam's laughing.

Just as well …

- It's cos the joke's on you, innit? - … she's got a good sense of humour.

- Do you want some toast, Jennifer love? - Oh, yes, thank you.

It's wholemeal.

I hope you like what I've got you for Christmas.

- What is it? - SHAUN: Morning.

- Morning. - For the love of God, Sanders,

will you put some clothes on, man?

I've got nothing to hide.

I can see that, mate.

Shaun, don't be rude, love.

- How's rehearsals going? - Shit.

What do you mean "shit"?

I mean, I'm making an idiot of myself in front of everyone, that shit.

How can you be making

- an idiot of yourself? - Because I can't act!

Everyone else is amazing and I'm … shit.

Shaun, you would not have been given the lead role

in a Victorian melodrama if you was bad.

Well, obviously, cos I've been given it and I am bad.

Well, you're obviously very good,

the teachers have faith in you and I'm proud of you, son.

When I'm on stage Gadge and Lol and everyone are going to be laughing.

Well, they're gonna … No, they're going to be supporting you

and … and if they laugh, it's because they're jealous.

Why would they be jealous that I'm looking like an idiot?

Well, why are you looking like an idiot, what are you wearing?

A stupid massive wig, sideburns, top hat … it's ridiculous.

Well, that's Shakespeare, isn't it? You've got to get into character.

No, it's not Shakespeare!

All right, well, what is it, then?

It's Tim Taylor or something like that.

(WHISPERS) Tim Taylor.

So you haven't heard of him?

Well, no, but I don't know my stuff, do I?

Well, neither do I, I don't know what I'm doing.

I think you're just … you know, a bit nervous, that's all.

- I'm not nervous at all. - All right, son,

I can't really say anything right, can I? I'm trying to help.

You're gonna be fine.

- It's gonna be fine. - Whatever. I'm off anyway.

Yeah, well, have a nice day at school!

- It's college! - Oh, it's the same thing, Shaun.

What is wrong with him?

What are you all doing?

You don't have to come out every bloody morning.

The neighbours are looking, get in!

- Have a good day. - Yeah. See you in a bit.

- Bye! - See you, love!

(GIGGLES)

Get me the fuck out of here.

Hooray.

(CAR GROANS)

I'm sick of it.

There he goes.

TOGETHER: Bye!

- Right. Cup of tea? - Yeah!

- After you, love. - Thank you.

MAN: Cheers, mate.

- Hello, mate. Thank you! - Cheers.

Oh, it's Shaun.

- Shauny! - Shauny boy!

How we doing, son?

- All right? - Move up one for Shaun.

(SHAUN SIGHS)

- You all right? - Yeah, are you?

- Yeah. - Good.

- (SIGHS) - I'm knackered.

Yeah, same.

Your hair looks nice.

Oh, thanks. I got up really early today.

What shampoo do you use?

I just used my mum's this morning.

Oh, did you?

(COUGHS)

Hiya!

- Hi! - Oh! Let's go and see Nanny.

Here she is,

Nanny's little angel!

- Yeah! - Are you all right?

- Hiya! How are you doing? - One minute,

just wait.

Come on, then, come and give me a cuddle.

Yeah! Here she is!

- Ooh! - Steady!

Come on, steady with her.

Oh, look, lots of things!

- You all right? - Are you all right?

Come on, then, let's get the teapot out.

(LOL SIGHS)

Take that Noddy hat off, eh?

- Oh, that's better! - It's not working.

- How do you work this? - Oh, I dunno.

(LOW VOICE) Where did you get this fucking from?!

- Oh, It's only a teapot. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, you'll trap your finger! - Oh, steady!

Right, go and put them on the bus. Look, over there. That's a good girl.

You feeling all right? You look like shit.

Oh, thanks.

- What, she not sleeping? - No. Four times she was up last night.

Oh, Lisa, what are we going to do with you, eh?

Keeping Mummy up all night.

Eh?

Why don't you leave her with me today? Have a break.

Oh, I've got her at the community nurse at one, so …

Shaun's got this play on on Christmas Eve, I said I'd try and catch it.

I was wondering if you'd have her for a couple of hours?

- What, Christmas Eve? - Yeah, then we can all wake up together.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Hey, Lisa, that'll be nice, won't it?

At Nanny's on Christmas Eve?

- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'd love to!

I was going to go to bingo with Trudy, but I'd much rather have her.

Lisa? Are you going to stay

- with Nanny on Christmas Eve? - Yes.

Wait for Santa?

Yeah!

You're on for a right one, you lads.

Here you go, Taylor — sort yourself out with a big bag of weed, you filthy cunt.

Here you are, give us a smile and I'll give you an extra 10p.

Go on, seriously.

I'm fucking about with you, get out. Eh?

Milner, there you go, sort yourself out, mate.

Davidson, sort yoursen out. Have a good Chrimbo. Nice one, lads!

You're not getting a bloody bonus, you've not done owt. Pull your finger out.

Kenneth Squires, it should be in there.

Are you having a friggin' laugh, mate?

- Cos I've been through it three times. - I'm not bloody hell havin' a laugh.

They've not said nowt to me.

Oh …

What are these?

- Ricardo, have you messed up again, eh? - What?

- No. - Eh?

Bugger! Bugger! Squires, you bugger! I knew that,

- I knew you were winding me up. - Had you there for a minute!

I'm here cos I've a bonus for you, lad.

Get out! Bloody hell!

- The weight of that, eh? - Yeah, yeah. Very generous,

very generous. Check it out.

You could knock a horse out with that.

- Let's have a do. Bloody hell! - Oh, ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Friggin' hell, it will be.

- £100 there? - 150!

- 150! - 150!

Bugger me. Thank you, Mr Squires. That's right generous of you.

Oh, not at … Hey! And I've got more Christmas cheer for you an' all, son.

- Go on? - Guess who's been moved up

- to head office, eh? - Go on.

Me!

You! Unbelievable!

Unbelievable! Eh!

Hey, eh-eh.

Fantastic.

Can't think of a better bloke for that job, you know.

- You'll smash that. - Oh, hey …

and part of my new job

- entails finding my successor. - Yeah, you gonna get someone in?

We … Well, I've only got one candidate in mind, lad,

I'm standing right in front of him.

You can fuck off.

Twat!

- I wasn't expecting that. - It's a joke! I'm joking with you.

Oh.

- What, like banter? - Banter!

Like work … The lads do it all the time.

- Hey! Oh, yeah! - They're always causing trouble.

Oh, you're a great cunt, you. Aren't ya?

Hey, hey, so I'm giving you the chance to step up.

Richard Woodford — Manager.

- Certain ring to it. - Certain …

- Ring to it! - Oh! Hey …

- Brothers from different mothers! - Hey, tell you what,

- look at it. - All that there, but listen,

seriously, listen, I'll let you know after Chrimbo

cos I'm going to have a right think on … That is exciting news.

What did you say?

After … Just going to have a think on it after …

And I'll let you know after Chrimbo, cos you know what?

- My mam and dad are very sensitive. - After Chrimbo?

Only because they … they … they … they're sensitive,

I've had a rough few … few months

and they're worried about me. and it's just … it just seems like …

- Your mum and dad? - Yeah.

Like common courtesy just to … mention it to 'em.

That they've, you know …

Just OK it with my mam and dad. They'll be fine with it.

They'll be … They'll want me to do it, I'm fuckin' overwhelmed,

I can't believe that shit.

Yeah. Yeah.

You're just, you know … You're a bit less pleased than I hoped for.

Oh, Bloody … No, mate, I'm ecstatic! I'm ecs … You're winding me up, you are,

like down there, like, when we were by the computer.

I'm playing hard to get, you're being sad. Eh?

Grin, you great shit!

That were too hard.

Too hard.

That were too hard, that, are you all right?

- Er … yeah? All right. - Yeah?

Shoved you a bit hard then. Sure?

- Yeah. - Didn't mean to.

- No, no. - All right?

No, it's all right, it's all right.

- After Chrimbo … I'll, you know … - Just, um …

think hard on it.

I will do! The thinking is killing me.

♪ The got cars big as bars They got rivers of gold

♪ But the wind blows right through you It's no place for the old … ♪

Did … did any of youse catch that … that documentary the other week …

about the, um, the achy balls thing?

Oh, it was … it was dead good. It was …

It was about this guy who … he had like really … horrible achy balls and …

I mean, he didn't …

He didn't really know what was up with him, sort of thing, and …

he … he was … He had achy balls. And one of them went … inside. …

of him, do you know, like,

you know like when you're cold sometimes and they sort of go a bit hard?

It went inside, even while he was hot, while he was warm …

- He just … - What channel was it on?

I think it was 4, think it was Channel 4, yeah.

What day was it on?

Su … Sunday or Saturday, one of them.

- It might have been Saturday. - I watched it.

Right massive … massive, really fat bloke.

Really sweaty, fat bloke.

Had problems walking up stairs and that?

Just got himself in a right pickle with anything uphill …

- No need to … - … called Gadget?

Fuck off, mate.

No, why are you …

- Why are you talking the piss? - What's up with your balls?

- What's happened to 'em? - It's hard this, man. I'm …

I'm living with this fucking nagging, achy balls all the time.

Go to the doctor then, Gadget, you nutcase, man.

You sure you're not just wanking too much?

Fuck off, Kel. I don't wank too much.

That normally … A problem with your balls like that

achy balls is normally fucking …

- Cancer. - HARVEY: Cancer!

- Yeah. - Big C.

- Fuck off, it's not … - Could be.

I'm too young to have cancer.

- I can't have cancer! - Mate, it happens to young ones,

it's like 14 to 25 or summat,

that's the most prone.

It's all right — we'll get you a trip to Disneyland and you can meet Mickey.

Mate, will you … There's no lumps or anything.

- Man, you can have a feel if you want. - No, I'm all right.

- If you think it's cancer, have a feel. - I'm all right, mate.

- Fuck off, Gadge! Get out of my face. - Feel! Come on!

It's not gay if you feel

- through the clothes. - Fuck off, man, seriously.

- You're not actually touching it. - Get your fucking balls out of my fa …

I'll smack your face in, mate. Will you have a feel?

Fuck off, will she have a feel!

Merry Christmas, one and all!

Fuck off! Milk?

Don't look at him, people, he will impregnate you.

He'll do you with his eyeballs.

You dick.

- Fuck off. - Sorry.

- How is everyone? - All right.

You all look like you've seen a ghost.

- Not seen you in ages, man. - How long's it been?

- A couple of months? - Three or four,

more fucking like it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Has anyone seen Woods?

Hardly. He's got a new girlfriend.

Yeah, fit as fuck, she is.

Jennifer, ginger Jennifer.

- Posh. Very posh. - Very posh.

Sound. He … He deserves it, man.

I've … I've written to him, but …

I've had no response or a reply.

- I don't deserve one, but … - BANJO: You'll get there, Milks.

Youse were like brothers, and …

a relationship like that, you can't throw away, can you?

Do I get a hug at all? Cos, fuck me, it's a bit frosty in here!

- BANJO: Good to see you. - Mwah! Looking good, man.

Where's the girls, then?

Try it on 'em all.

- How are you? - Yeah, good.

Good, good. Kel, how are you? Are you … Are you all right?

Here, meet Titch. She's my girlfriend.

- Ey-up, you all right? - Ooh! Hello, Titch.

- This is my wonderful … Ey-up! - How are you?

Less of that, we don't want another black baby on our hands, do we?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHILDREN GURGLE)

(CHILD WAILS)

So probably around this stage she could be getting some back teeth.

Have you notice her … red cheeks? Drooling? Fists in the mouth?

- Biting down? - No. Her cheeks aren't red.

And, you know, she dribbles and chews on things

- like any other kid. - OK.

Well, that's a good sign, probably, that she is teething. Um …

So what can we do?

- Cos I need to crack this today. - OK.

You could probably give her something like Calpol

and that'll get rid of the pain, take her temperature down

and settle her, basically.

So if that works, that's the job, that will put her to sleep at night and …

- you'll have an easier time. - Right.

It can take a couple of days for it to kick in, for it to work,

so you could be looking at another few restless nights.

And it can come and go, teething,

so she could be OK for a couple of months and this could start again …

So, really, there is no remedy?

It's just par for the course, unfortunately,

and … this is about the age when the back teeth come in,

so that's probably what you're dealing with at the moment

and I know how tough it is.

- Oh, do you? - Yeah.

You got kids, then?

- I have. - Yeah.

- You got a husband? - Yeah.

Well, lucky you, because I don't.

Right? I do this all on my own, so you have fucking no idea what it's like.

Can you sleep when she sleeps during the day?

Do you think I don't try?

I'm doing the best I can, all right?

Look …

she's doing great, and you're doing a great job with her.

It looks like you're doing a great job with her.

It's you I'm more worried about.

The last time you were here

you did seem to be re-experiencing postnatal depression …

Oh, God, here we go again.

- Yeah, I remember that. - Yeah.

Some sort of fucking psychiatrist now, are you?

It's my job to look out for you …

No, your job is to look after my daughter, right?

I came here for her, not for me.

- OK, I know how tough it is … - I'm up all night,

I'm on my own and you're trying to make out

like you've a clue what I'm going through.

If you ever want to come back and talk to me, I'm here.

You can leave Lisa with your mum, maybe, and just …

No, I can't! Stop trying to organise my life.

"You can leave Lisa with your mum, you can do this," I'm sure you can.

I'm sure it's lovely for you. And do you know what?

I envy you.

I absolutely envy every little bit of your life

and I don't even fucking know your name.

But I can see that you've got a nice life,

and I can see that you've probably had quite a nice upbringing,

and you've probably got quite a nice husband,

and you've probably got very well-behaved children

that sleep at night.

I can see what you've got and you can see what I've got.

- I know they seem like worlds apart … - Fucking monotone,

that's all I get with you. "I know this, I know …" Do you know what?

I think … I think it's best that I go,

and I'll get some Calpol and we'll leave it there.

When you're ready to come back and talk to me I will be here for you, OK?

(WHISPERS) OK.

Come on, in your chair.

And … action.

Oh, how I wish I was a lass.

I think I see those great clumsy hands spoiling my work.

TEACHER: What bloody hands?

- Sorry, sir. - Thank you.

Oh, how I wish I was a lass.

I think I see those great clumsy hands spoiling my work.

Not a chance, May. …

Yes?

Don't you remember those two sovereigns you lent me?

You needn't count it, there's £20.

There'd have been more if you hadn't come so soon.

Bless your heart!

And to think these … these little fingers have been … working so hard for such …

a lusty, big-boned chap like myself!

Do not fear, for I have £200 saved up in brass in Portland and Pentonville.

£200! How small my poor little earnings will look. …

- For the audience, Fay, thank you. - Sorry.

£200!

How small my poor little earnings will look!

I was so proud of them, too

Well, keep 'em, May … keep 'em to buy your wedding gown.

My wedding gown?

That's if you'll have me.

And … that's a wrap. Excellent, excellent, Fay!

Dalton, Moss, your scene's up next. I'm off to the art department

to see how the scenery monkeys are coming on with the set.

- You did dead good. - You were dead good.

He never said owt about me, did he?

I thought you did really well.

What you doing later?

Nothing.

Do you fancy rehearsals at mine?

Yeah, definitely, yeah.

OK.

(SIGHS)

(CHORAL MUSIC)

(MUFFLED) Lorraine?

Will you talk to me, please?

(DISTORTED) You've been a bad little girl. Bad girl.

(PANTS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi.

'Ey-up!

You all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. Er …

Are you gonna … open the door? It's freezing.

I've just got out the bath.

Come on, Lol.

Look, I've … I've got Lisa a teddy and …

I've got you some money as well.

It's just not a good time.

- I … - Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm freezing. I'm gonna have to go.

Just, um …

I'm at me mum's tomorrow — bring it round then.

And you can see Lisa and you can give it her yourself.

- Yeah? - Oh, please, Lol.

I have to go. I'm freezing, Milk. See you in a bit.

(DRAMATICALLY) I cannot bear you should trouble for me, indeed, sir.

Nay, never heed that muck-worm. Come, dry thine eyes.

Thou's too soft for this life o' thine.

- It's a fever, I think, sir. - What you …

- What you doing? - I usen't to mind unkind looks

- and words much once. - Smell, what are you doing?

It doesn't say do that in the script, does it?

Where did that come from?

I like doing the voices.

Yeah, doing the voices, fair enough,

but you don't have to start pulling me hair and hitting me, do you?

Listen, thanks for helping me and that, but …

… you know, you're just doing it a bit too much.

Look, I've gotta go now — I've gotta go to Fay's.

And I'm gonna be doing it all night, aren't I?

You know, and I don't wanna over-learn it.

Can you help me out? Which …

which one of these shirts are, you know, posher?

I think you should wear that one — it makes your neck look less small.

I ain't got a small neck.

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS)

(SIGHS) You would not believe the day that I have had.

Honestly! How can an office run out of staples?

- Ohh. - I mean, I said to Janet yesterday,

I said to her, "If you phone them up before four …"

- Janet! - "… they can deliver 'em in t'morning."

Do you know what I mean? But she's not bothered.

She's not phoned 'em up. So then we've come in this morning — no staples.

- No staples. Unbelievable. - I can't get on with owt, you know?

It's like she doesn't listen to me, cos I'm just a secretary.

But I said to her, I said, "Janet, I'm doing as much as PAs are,

"you know, and if this were my business, I-I wouldn't let you run out of things,

"simple things like staples." You know what I mean?

Bloody staples and everything, yeah. Fuck's sake!

- Sorry! Sorry. - It's all right.

- Hello, Ritchey-Roo. - Hiya, sweet. Are you all right?

- Yeah, I'm fine. Are you all right? - Yeah.

- You had a good day? - Knackered, yeah. Bloody falling asleep.

- Had a right busy one, yeah. - (CHUCKLES)

You not getting out of your work stuff?

Yeah, I were halfway there,

- fell asleep listening to tunes. - Your mum's doing us

- that special tea tonight. - I know, yeah.

I'm looking forward to that, you know. It'll be good, won't it?

- Yeah. Me too. - Mm.

Got a fit of the community spirits, have you?

Cos you always were such a family person, weren't you?

Must be the time of the year, eh?

Feeling maternal?

Well, I'm shocked.

I'm stumped.

I'd have thought you were the one person in the world

who'd have been happy to see me banged up.

PAULINE: Oh. It's the best Christmas I've ever had, Dennis.

Best present I've ever had.

(RAPS LIGHTLY ON DOOR)

Ah! Sir Laurence Olivier himself! (CHUCKLES)

Well, David Dean, we're absolutely delighted to meet you.

Fay's told me all about you.

I kneel before you!

And all the rest of it. (LAUGHS)

Um, my mam's told me to bring some beer, so …

Extremely kind of you. What have we got here?

Oh, I say! Haymer's Best Bitter!

Now, that looks absolutely sensational.

Well, we shall participate in these with delight.

Why don't you pop through?

We're just about to start our Christmas comestible tray.

One, two, two, two.

Sibilance, sibilance. Are we good? Am I good?

ALL: Yes!

- Hello, everybody! - ALL: Hello, Trudy.

I said hello, everybody!

ALL: Hello, Trudy!

Now, listen …

This hat is only half full.

So, all of you that haven't, make sure you do.

I'm gonna kick off tonight. Are you ready?

ALL: Yeah!

(♪ SAMANTHA FOX: Touch Me (I Want Your Body))

Oh …

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it!

♪ I wanna feel your body

♪ Ahhhh

♪ Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh

- ♪ Ah-ahhh … ♪ - Go on, Trudes.

♪ Ahhhh

♪ Ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh

♪ Ah-ahhh

♪ Full moon in the city And the night was young

♪ I was hungry for love I was hungry for fun

♪ I was hunting you down And I was the bait

♪ When I saw you there

♪ I didn't mean to hesitate … ♪ I'm talking to you!

♪ This is the night, yeah

♪ This is the night

♪ This is the night We've got to get it right

♪ Touch me, touch me

♪ I wanna feel your body … ♪

("GOOD KING WENCESLAS" PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

Right, a Quadra tray of Christmas treats. There we go.

So we have here … we have some mince pies for after,

we have Mrs Dean's sweet trolley, and some savouries.

So why don't you tuck into those, some pretzels and peanuts,

and these are the fruit … Yes, just put that there.

So yes, help yourself. And, um …

Yeah, why don't we do one of these?

Here we go. Happy Christmas.

- Happy Christmas. - FAY: Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas. - Mm, lovely!

Mm! Absolutely splendid.

Are these, like, funny grapes?

- Which ones? - Are they not, like, grapes?

Oh, gosh. No, no, no. These are olives. Have you not had an olive before?

Right, OK. Well, let me just demonstrate to you.

These are a … Let me just …

There we go.

Excuse me. Do you see that?

That's a stone, and it's a dangerous beast, because I remember

shattering a wisdom tooth when I was much younger, when I bit down on this.

- Crack! - Have they got a stone in?

Mm. And if you're not careful … They look delightful, they look very inviting.

But if you sort of throw it in … Crack!

It can be a rather unpleasant surprise, so, um …

Mm, just give it a go.

Yeah? It's good, isn't it?

Nice. Tell you what …

What I'll do for you is take one of these …

Just 'scuse my fingers.

There we are. I'll give you a little in-tray.

One, two,

'scuse fingers, three, 'scuse fingers,

- four, 'scuse fingers, five … - Dad, he can get his own olives.

It's all right, my little darling gosling. Five little Christmas olives.

I'm gonna help myself to some pretzels.

These are very nice. Um …

There we go.

So tell me, how did you get into the, um, the world of acting?

Um …

I-I dunno, really.

- The girls! - Ah! The girls, yes.

PAULINE: … all wrapped up in pretty paper with a big red bow …

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- 'Ey-up. - 'Ey-up, Trev!

- Room for a little one? - Yeah, God, come in.

- You all right? - Yeah.

Ohh!

God, it's cold! It's baltic.

(TV PLAYS)

I'm just watching EastEnders Chrimbo spesh.

- Oh, my God. - It's fucking depressing.

- What a night. - Yeah!

- There you go. - Cheers.

So how come you're not at the karaoke?

Oh, fuck that. I'm not singing.

No, I don't blame you.

- It's shit. - Mm!

- Is Kel all right? - Yeah, you know.

- She'll be pissed by now. - Yep.

You all right?

Yeah.

… I think I'd prefer to be in my prison rather than yours.

So have you met her yet?

Who?

- Woody's new bird. - No.

Gadget has.

Said she's, er, quite nice and posh.

Oh, God.

Oh, sorry!

She's a … She's a fat pig.

Don't be daft. You don't need to say that.

- He deserves to be happy. - Mm.

You've done me, Mum. I can't finish it. I can't believe it!

Me too! (GIGGLES) That was absolutely delicious, Barbara.

- Was it all right? - Out of this world, yeah.

- It were brilliant. - Thank you.

- That was restaurant quality, was that. - Oh, give over!

- It was! - You can stop it an' all!

Ooh!

It's Delia's recipe. I just did what she told me.

Right, um …

- Just … - Where are you off?

I'm just gonna. … I'd just like to say, er …

- a few words. - Oh, don't!

He's not one … He's not one for a fuss, is our Richard, so I'll keep it short.

Er …

- You … - Oooh!

Shit the bed, that were wonderful.

I'm sorry, lad. You're gonna have to hear me out this time.

All right.

You have been to hell and back the last 18 months.

You've had a rough time.

But me and your mum have been very worried about … (VOICE WAVERS)

Are you all right, Dad?

Both me and your mum …

… thought you might never get over what Lorraine and Michael did to you.

But as they say,

every cloud has a silver lining,

and you have found yours

in the wonderful Jennifer.

Now, don't get me wrong, son.

We've liked every girl you've bought home.

But we've never really loved one until now.

Jennifer …

We thought we may never see our Richard smile again.

You came into his life …

… and a miracle happened.

He did.

That were really nice, that, Dad. You finished?

- That was it, wasn't it? Cheers. - Cheers.

That were really lovely, that, and I know it weren't easy neither.

But thank you.

- You know I love you, don't you, eh? - You're a great lad.

You're a great dad. I'm very lucky. Very lucky

to have such a wonderful family around me, I know that,

and I love youse all, I really mean that.

Oh, are we doing this, are we?

Hands.

Eh? Ohh!

That were lovely, that, Pop. Thank you.

(MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND — ♪ TRACY CHAPMAN: Fast Car)

£20!

How small my poor little earnings will look!

I was so proud of them, too.

Keep 'em, May, to buy your. …

… to …

- Wedding gown. - For God's sake!

What if I forget all these lines tomorrow night?

- You won't. - Well, if I'm forgetting 'em now,

I'm not gonna be able to remember on the stage, am I, when I'm dead nervous?

This is our big scene. Just … Just remember,

you're coming back from prison and you're gonna ask me to marry you.

That's what the scene's about. Just think …

"I'm gonna ask her to marry me", and it'll just happen.

- Yeah. - Shall we do it again?

All right.

OK.

£20!

How small my poor little earnings will look!

I was so proud of them, too.

Well, keep 'em, May.

Keep 'em to buy your wedding gown.

My wedding gown?

That's if you'll have me.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It was me as well.

Look, maybe it's just cos of the play.

We've been spending loads of time together.

Fay …

I really, really like you.

I like you as well.

You've got a girlfriend, Shaun.

Well, what if I didn't have a girlfriend?

I don't know.

(♪ RICK ASTLEY: Never Gonna Give You Up)

♪ Oooh-ooh, oooh-ooh

♪ Oooh-ooh …

♪ Oooh-ooh

♪ We're no strangers to love

♪ You know the rules

♪ And so do I

♪ A full commitment's what I'm thinking of

♪ Thinking of

♪ You wouldn't get this from any other guy

♪ I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling

♪ How I'm feeling

♪ Gotta make you understand

♪ Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

♪ Never gonna run around and desert you … ♪

- JENNIFER: Box. - No!

- Television. - Oh, television!

Three words …

Er …

Second word.

Hammer.

BOTH: Screwdriver.

- Er, round. - Round?

Oh!

BOTH: Sounds like …

- Six! - Sounds like "six".

- JENNIFER: Six, OK. Um, mix? - Hammer.

- Fix! - Yes!

(THEY LAUGH)

What the hell's going on in here?

Where are you going?

Getting fired out of a cannon!

Eh?!

- What's going on, son? - I've gotta go t'work, Dad.

- I've gotta … - (ALL EXCLAIM)

No, just seriously … I've …

Squires has asked me to do a fax.

- It's gotta be in tonight. I've … - (ALL EXCLAIM)

- Don't go on about it. - I've just put the bolt on, son.

I know the bolt's on, Dad. I'll just take the bloody bolt off. But I've gotta do it.

I've got a big job here, he's given me this position …

No, no, no, can you just stay for this one? I've got a really good one!

Just sit down and stay for this one.

Piggin' hell! I'm not sitting down, I'm rushing. Have you got any words right?

- Yeah! - Yes. We've got the second work. Fix.

Er, fix?

Er …

Er, Jim'll fix it?

Is it?

Is it Jim'll … It is Jim … I'll see you in a bit.

Brilliant!

(♪ WENDY RENE: After Laughter (Comes Tears))

♪ After laughter

♪ Comes tears

♪ - After - After

♪ - Laughter - Your laughter

♪ - Comes tears - There'll be tears

♪ - Oooh - When you're in love

♪ You're happy

♪ Oh, and …

♪ - Oooh - When you're in an arm

♪ You gaze

♪ After laughter

♪ - This doesn't last always - Comes tears

♪ - After - After

♪ - Laughter - Your laughter

♪ - Comes tears - There'll be tears … ♪

♪ My friends all say … ♪

I've got a four.

I can see your cards.

Well, don't look, then!

I'd put your ace down, if I was you.

- Oh, really? - Yeah!

- I'm just saying. - (THEY GIGGLE)

Oh, my God!

TREV: There's so much shit.

LOL: Yeah, but I'm gripped …

- for all the wrong reasons. - It's one of those things, innit?

Are you putting an ace on a four? Are you joking me?

When you've got a four, a six and a queen …

- After laughter - After your laughter

♪ - Comes tears - Oh, oh

♪ Ohh

♪ Ooooh

♪ I'll try to hide

♪ Hide my sorrow

♪ - Oooh - I wonder, can I hold them

♪ Till tomorrow?

♪ - After laughter - Maybe I'll hold them

♪ - Comes tears - For a year

♪ But they keep saying

♪ - After - After

♪ - Laughter - Your laughter

♪ - Comes tears - Now you will see those wet little tears

♪ -After - After

♪ - Laughter - Your laughter

♪ - Comes tears - A little bitty tear

♪ Will climb into your eye

♪ - After - After

♪ - Laughter - Your laughter

♪ - Comes tears - Oh, oh

♪ Ohh … ♪

Arsehole.

Fuck's sake.

So I'll, er … see you tomorrow, yeah?

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

Break a leg, or whatever it is they say.

- See you. - Bye.

(CHORAL MUSIC)

Sweet dreams.

(TAP RUNS)

(WATER SPLASHES)

(SNIFFS) Ohh …

Oh. (SNIFFS)

(SHE GASPS)

(HE BREATHES HEAVILY)

(WHISPERS) You've been a bad girl.

You've been a bad girl.

You've been a bad girl.

This isn't real.

This isn't happening.

Bad girl.

It'll be OK.