Original subtitles

(CROWD CHANTING) … 3,4, we don't want the bloody war!

TONY BENN: The one thing that is so clear

is that a majority of the British people are opposed to a war.

The Navy didn't decide to go to the Falklands.

We are standing up for the true interests of our servicemen.

Don't let Mrs Thatcher now shield behind the servicemen and women

she has put at risk.

You see, truth is the first casualty of war.

THATCHER: When the Belgrano was sunk, and I ask you to accept this,

she was in a position which was a danger to our navy.

(WAVES CRASH, SEAGULLS CRY)

(♫ THE JAM: English Rose)

♫ No matter where I roam

♫ I will return to my English rose

♫ For no bombs can ever tempt me from she

♫ I've sailed the seven seas

♫ Flown the whole blue sky

♫ But I return with haste

♫ To where my love does lie

♫ No matter where I go

♫ I will come back to my English rose

♫ For nothing can ever tempt me from she

♫ I've searched the secret mists

♫ I've climbed the highest peaks

♫ And caught the wild wind home

♫ To hear her soft voice speak

♫ No matter where I roam

♫ I will return to my English rose

♫ For no bonds can ever keep me from she … ♫

- Mrs Fields? - Yeah?

Oh. Right.

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

♫ … Caught the first train home

♫ To be at her side

♫ No matter where I roam

♫ I will return to my English rose

♫ For no bonds will ever keep me from she. ♫

Happy birthday, Dad.

VICAR: … the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God

and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Who loves you? Who loves his baba?

- (SQUAWK) - Oh! Stop getting your mard on!

What'd you go curtains for?

What'd you go on t'curtains for?

Here's your tie. Where did you look for it?

In the bathroom and on the bed.

It was on the bed. Don't know how you missed it.

- Thanks. - Are you going to get to work, then?

Are you trying to get rid of me or summat?

Well, you're late. I mean, do you want to lose your job?

- (SQUAWK) - Fuck's sake. He's chewing the lamp.

- He's not chewing the lamp. - He is chewing the lamp!

He's playing with the lamp. Just calm down, Lola. What the fuck, mate?

Why do you have to come in like this? This is why he's kicked off.

What, because of me?

- Because of you and your atmospheres. - He's a bird, Woody. Get a grip.

- He's sensitive. They're very sensitive. - It's a bird!

Like his bloody owner.

He's the only fucking mate I have around here. Leave him alone!

If he wants to play with the shitty lamp …

You can't call him your friend, Woody. It's just weird.

Why is it weird, mate? I don't have many knocking about at the moment.

I feel a bit fucking lonely wi' it all.

Oh, well, I'm fucking sorry. I feel really sorry for you.

Somehow, I don't believe you.

Oh, God. Look at them. Where did you get these from?

They're my dad's.

They're your dad's? Jesus, how old's your dad? Like, 60?

No, Shaun. He's 71 .

71 years …

You could have got me something a little bit more fashionable.

I feel like one of those women during the war.

What war? What women?

One of the old wars.

Transmitting signals.

Wearing kaftans, hiding little Jews in the piano.

What are we going to do with those other clothes, then?

Why don't we just chuck them over the wall

and then if you want them later, you can get them later.

I want my coat.

You know … I know what you mean now, cos, like, after I've shaved that,

it does look proper good now. It's becoming.

It does. I've told you that.

Yeah! Who's that fella you said I looked like? Gary Gable?

Gary, it's Clark Gable. Clark Gable.

Oh, right! The guy out of Wind in the Willows.

Jesus, Gary.

Kind of does look a bit manly, and …

- Gary? - Yeah?

Do me a favour?

- Pop that jumper on. - No, Trudy …

Oh, go on. Put the jumper on. I want to see it as a whole package.

The tache, the jumper, the whole Clark Gable thing. Come on.

- Go on, pop it on. - Horrible thing.

Get it on!

- Oh, Gary. - It looks horrible.

Oh, it doesn't look horrible, it looks lovely.

- I look disgusting. - It's not disgusting.

That looks far more becoming. You're the man of the household now, Gary.

- You've got to dress like one. - Man of the what?

Let's not get bogged down in words, Gary.

What I'm trying to say is that you look like a man, love.

A big, strong,

employable … man.

- Do you reckon? - Man.

I suppose I can give it a shot if you really want me to wear it.

It does look a bit right with the tache. It blends a bit.

- (BUZZING) - Ooh!

- What you doing now? - What do you think I'm doing?

It's you and that moustache and the jumper and the whole outfit.

It's the Clark Gable thing, it gets me all hot to trot, Gary.

Are you going to come in and finish me off?

Jesus wept! Are you not tired?

Tired? Gary, love, I'm at my sexual peak.

Come on, Clarkie. Come and finish me off.

Come on!

- Can I take this off? - No! Keep that on.

- Come on, it itches. - Keep it on and get over here now!

Come on! Come on, Clark.

Just get on.

That's it.

Ooh! Oh, no, it feels nice. It's nice!

Just get it up a little bit. That's it.

Ooh, no, me legs are hurting on these arms.

(DOOR OPENS)

Morning.

There you go. Cup of tea.

Sleep well?

All right.

All right, come on.

Kel, what's up?

Nowt.

Something's up.

No.

Look at me.

Kel?

Come on. What's on your mind?

It's just what Lola said.

- Is it true, Dad? - No.

No, it's not true.

She didn't say it, did she? Eh?

She didn't actually say it, no. I tell you what she done. She insinuated it.

And then she run away.

She's left us to face the shit that she left behind in the room with us.

But why would she lie?

- What took so long? - Oh, he's just a fucking knob.

Don't call him that.

Jesus, Lola, this is romantic.

We can talk, you know. We don't just have to rush into things.

Yeah, well, I'm bored of talking.

Great.

Mr Sandhu is really nice, you know.

I'm not saying he's not,

it's just, you know, a little bit difficult to look at him

in the same way after I've seen him on top of my mam in my dad's bed.

Yeah, I know. It's tough that you've seen that

and you've got that graphic image in your head now, but wipe it out of your mind.

I can't.

You're going to have to.

It's easier said than done, Smell.

Come on, all women have got needs, OK?

All of us.

I know, but she hasn't. She's old.

We've all got sexual desires.

Yeah, but she's like 50.

Come on. Just appreciate that your mum wants to have sex with Mr Sandhu.

I know it's hard to get to grips with,

but if you accept it, that means you're being more grown up.

That shows that you're being a man, actually.

Have you ever thought about that?

Just take control of the situation.

Look after your mum like she would want you to look after her

and wipe that thought of Mr Sandhu riding your mum out of your mind.

What time do you call this, lad?

I know! Mr Squires, I am so …

I've had a right rum do with our Ian.

I left the cage door open last night.

How much trouble am I in, out of 10?

Normally it'd be an eight,

but since you've just moved into your flat, I'll give you five. Now, come on!

Thank you, mate. I'm so sorry.

You all right, Lola?

Yeah, I'm fine.

- Sure?. - Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Fucking hell! Stop asking me!

- It's just the look on your face is. … - Well, don't look at my face then.

Come on!

(BANGING ON DOOR)

- Oh, fuck's sake. Come on. - No. Did you hear that?

Yeah, it's just somebody outside fucking around.

- (BANGING ON DOOR CONTINUES) - Oh, God!

- Is that Woody? - No, he's got a key.

- (LOUD BANGING) - Milky, come on.

- What the fuck? - Oh, quick!

- What the fuck are you doing? - Quick!

Do you know who …? Who is it?

I don't fucking know. I can't see through fucking doors …

What if he's left his key?

Well, he hasn't. He's took it, I know he has.

- What are you doing? - I don't know!

Fuck's sake!

(MORE BANGING)

What the fuck?!

Hello, Lola.

How'd you get my address?

I still know a few people round 'ere.

Yeah, well what do you want? I'm a bit busy.

Put some clothes on, please, love.

It's my house.

Put some clothes on, please?

- No. - Caught you at a bad time?

Yeah, you have, actually. I was upstairs having a bit of fun with a black man.

Do you want to meet him?

I haven't come around here for a row.

And I don't want to come in.

I just thought I'd give you a chance to say your piece.

Yeah, well, I'm busy at the minute so some other time.

Well, at least tell me what I'm supposed to have done.

Where do you want me to start?

You knock Mum about, you leave every fucking five minutes.

Not that. The other thing.

- Other thing? - You know.

- No, sorry. - You know exactly.

Huh? Come on.

Eh? No. No, you can't tell me what I'm supposed to have done

because it didn't fucking happen, did it?

You're breaking your fucking sister's heart.

You touch my fucking sister and I swear to God you'll go back to …

You fucking raise your hand to me, I swear I'll kill ya.

- (SHE WHIMPERS) - Now back off!

Keep your fucking accusations to yourself.

Words wound, all right, and accusations fucking damage

and you're doing damage indoors and you're doing damage to me.

Fuck you!

Back off, I'm warning ya.

- You've been told. You've been told! - Yeah. Fine.

- You've been told. - Fine.

- (CLATTERING) - You've fucking been told.

Back off!

What the hell, Lola?

- Was that your dad? - Yeah, did you hear him?

- Yeah, I did. - Thanks for the fucking help.

Lola, I would have just made it worse.

You've got your fucking balls back now, just fuck off.

Are you all right? Do you want …

Do you want to talk, do you want me to get Woody?

Fuck off.

Fuck off!

Just fuck off!

- Hey. - Hey.

One day, Richard, one day.

Hey, I didn't tell you,

I sent a memo to head office talking about you last week.

I've not … I've not done owt wrong, have I?

Because, Mr Squires, I love my job, mate.

Oh, God, no, no, you're not in trouble, lad. No, no.

I told them how well you handled the whole wall of booby-woobies debacle.

Brilliant.

And let me tell you, they were pretty impressed.

Thank you, Mr Squires, that's right good of you, that is.

We're living in different times now, you know, equal opportunities and all that.

We don't want Samantha Fox and Maria Whittaker

splashed all over the walls now, do we?

Do we heck, do we heck. It'd be rum that, wouldn't it?

Who knows, one day we might even have a woman working here.

Really?

- It's possible. - It is.

- One last thing before you go. - Yes?

- I've got some very good news for you. - Have you?

I want you to take the rest of the afternoon off.

Really? Mate, that is rasper, that is. Thank you, Mr Squires.

Just make sure you're back here by seven.

Tomorrow morning?

- Tonight. - Tonight, it's the evening …

It's just Eddie, he can't do his shift, so I've put your name down on the rota.

All right. Well, I can't … I can do it, I can do it, of course I'll do it,

but it's the World Cup, it's Poland and England,

- and me and Milk, we love all that. - I've already thought of that.

- Have you? - You can have the radio on in here.

- The radio! - Brilliant, yeah.

One day, Richard. One day.

Thanks for that.

Fucking radio. What the funk, mate?

Is that the same? Is it heck.

Fuck's sake!

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

(DRILLING)

'Ey up, Trudy, how are you doing, duck?

Yeah, not bad.

- Is Gadge in, Trudy? - No, he's not here.

- Who's drilling now then? - There's nobody drilling in there.

I can see someone drilling.

There's nobody drilling. Do you mind? Get off my doorstep!

- Gadget! It's Harvey! Come here, mate! - Get back down there.

- 'Ey up, mate, are you all right? - What's that?

- What? - What's all that?

Oh, it's my moustache - do you like it?

It looks like Bonnie Langford's fanny, Gadge.

Ooh, how disgusting are you? How foul-mouthed are you?

Coming from you, Trudy?

I happen to think he looks very handsome like that.

I like it.

I agree. Anyway, Woody's got a game of footie going on today.

It's his afternoon off, so you going to come down and play?

You are busy. We're going down the one-hour photo shop.

- Yeah, but … - Been planning it all morning!

Yeah, but I mean, if Woody's got an afternoon off,

- it doesn't come that often. - It's his only afternoon off.

- Stay there. - Trudy, don't be like …

Listen, you said you would look after Winston today

while I go and have my hair done.

I can take Winston, he can have a bit of fresh air.

I'm not letting you take him down the park with that thing. I don't trust him -

- his eyes are too close together. - No, they ain't, Trudy, they're … argh!

Listen! If you're not back by four o'clock I will have your cock on a plate!

- You do know that, don't you? - Yeah.

- You do know that? - I know that!

- Winston! - WINSTON: Yeah?

TRUDY: You're going down the park!

WINSTON: Can I go as Dogtanian?

TRUDY: Yes!

(♫ ENGLAND WORLD CUP SQUAD: We've Got The Whole World At Our Feet)

♫ We've got the whole world at our feet

♫ There's not a single team that we can't beat

♫ We'll all be dancing in the street

♫ Cos we've got the whole world at our feet … ♫

(PLAYERS AND SUPPORTERS SHOUT)

♫ … The stage is set It's football's greatest show

♫ We're gonna beat the world so here we go

♫ And sing our battle cry for England

♫ This time we know we're gonna make you proud

♫ And through the tears of joy we'll shout it loud

♫ England for ever more

♫ Will hear the lion roar

♫ We've got the whole world at our feet! ♫

Engines, off!

Hairdryers, off!

I'm here for the ginge.

- The ginge? Who's that? - I'm a ginge.

You've got a bit there …

Him there, head to toe in fucking ginger.

- Get here. - You, Shaun.

- Do you know him? - What the fuck are you wearing?

You look like a ginger Donny Osmond, doesn't he, Iggy?

Jimmy Osmond, innit?

He looks like Donny Osmond.

Jimmy Osmond is the actual ginger one out the Osmonds.

- Fuck's sake, Iggy! - Sorry, mate.

- SHAUN: What? - You're fucking dead.

What for?

- Gemma. - Gemma?!

Flip, man, I did what you told me to do.

That's fucking bollocks!

You fucking got inside my Trojan horse of a plan,

followed it into the castle of Gemma,

and then just jumped out and fucked it all up, didn't you?

Yeah, your plan was to go round and call her a fat dog, and I did it,

and you said you wouldn't hit me and you did.

I had a perfect plan. All week I should have been getting blow jobs.

I should have been fucking Gemma by the canal,

coming on her feet, in her hair …

But no,

because you fucked it all up!

Flip, man, I did what you told me to do.

You ruined my fucking life, ginge, all right?

- Are you serious, you? - Yeah, I'm deadly serious!

Ooh, 'ey.

Now listen, currently you are all in the danger zone.

Danger zone?

But I'm only here to break the ginger's jaw,

so if you step away, I will let you all live.

Fucking hell!

I'm going to count down from 13.

- ALL: 13?! - That's not even.

- Why not 10? - It's not quite right, is it?

- 13! - Cool.

Well hard, man. Shit.

- 13. - Oh, he's counting, he's counting.

- 12 … - Doesn't he give you a nosh?

Yeah, go and give him a gobble.

11 …

- Give him a blow job, sort him out. - 10's next, mate. 10.

Fuck off, you …

BYSTANDER: Fucking hell.

Hello.

My fucking my lip, man!

Shit.

MAN: Just a bunch of twats.

We're having it, we're having it!

Shit!

(YELLING)

(♫ DR FEELGOOD: All Through The City)

♫ Stand and watch the towers burnin' at the break of day … ♫

Just stay there.

♫ … Steadily slowing down Been on my feet since yesterday

♫ Gotta get a move on Tryin' to find a man I know

♫ Money in my pocket Lookin' for a place to go … ♫

Let's just talk, eh?

♫ … I've been searchin' all through the city

♫ See you in the mornin' Down by the jetty … ♫

(SIRENS)

♫ … Streets are full of signs Arrows pointin' everywhere

♫ Parks are full of people tryin' to get a breath of air … ♫

Old Bill!

♫ … Listen to the weatherman Prayin' for a drop of rain

♫ Look into the sky The sky is full of aeroplanes

♫ I've been searchin' all through the city

♫ See you in the mornin' Down by the jetty

♫ I've been searchin' all through the city

♫ See you in the mornin' Down by the jetty

♫ I've been searchin' all through the city

♫ See you in the mornin' Down by the jetty

♫ I've been searchin' all through the city

♫ See you in the mornin' Down by the jetty … ♫

Fuck off, you pig!

♫ … See you in the mornin' Down by the jetty

♫ I've been searchin' all through the city … ♫

Trev, you wouldn't just give it a rub, would you?

This is a Commodore 64, currently the world's most powerful games console.

Yeah, I know, I've got one.

- You've got a Commodore 64? - Yeah.

Who bought you a Commodore 64?

My mum, because she really, really loves me.

Of course she does. What mother wouldn't love a child who dresses as a dog?

Yeah, exactly.

How long have you been with Trudy then, Gadge? How long is it now?

Eight days, mate.

We were going to do something last night, like, you know, celebrate the week,

but I think we're just going to do the fortnight thing, have it a bit …

Can I be honest with you, Gadge?

What's up, man?

What the fuck is all this, then?

What's all this? What's all the parting about?

This, that fucking horrible shit there, what is that?

It's a moustache, man. What d'you mean? What are you trying to get at?

It's not Gadget, though, is it? You've been with Trudy for eight days

and you've turned into a fucking idiot.

I'm growing up fast, mate, it's what people do.

No, you ain't, you're going into a twat. You ain't growing up,

you're growing sideways.

I'm not an idiot, mate. Like … I like …

You're nothing compared to what you used to be, mate.

Gadge was that lad that had a laugh, went out with his mates.

I'm out, aren't I?

No, you're not, mate. She was having you making shelves,

for fuck's sake, then she was trying to keep you in like your mam.

It's not right.

She's just a bit …

A bit fucking mental, and you're becoming mental and all.

I've been thinking that, mate. We're being honest and I have been thinking that.

Well, fucking sort it out, then, boss .

Sort yourself out, get rid of that fucking shit for starters.

You belong with her in there with the pink hair.

Kelly's for you, not bloody Rudy Trudy.

I'd love …

Not Trudy, man. Come on.

- What am I trying to do, mate? - I dunno. But you're gonna sort it out.

- Yeah, that's going, mate. This is gone. - Yeah.

- I'm back to meself, mate. - Give me a high-five on that shit.

- Yeah, man. Definitely. - Wicked, man.

That's what I like to hear.

Who bites? And how mental were today?

- Oh, man. - That's making bits of wee come out.

I've had two drops!

I'll tell you, that … Now, that …

How it used to be, wasn't it?

- That's how it used to be. - I know, man. I know.

- Haven't had that for a long time. - No, man.

Not since you turned into a … prick!

Sensitive mard-arse.

Got himself a flat. He's ruined himself!

(THEY CHUCKLE)

Oh, man. No, it was good, though.

Lola would have liked that, man.

Well, she wouldn't have … What am I talking about?

She'd have gone fucking mental. I'd have been shouted at.

Yeah.

She's a bit different with me, mate, you know?

What d'you mean?

Since her dad come back an' that.

I just feel a bit …

… distant.

D'you know what I mean?

Uh … I don't, to be honest.

Distant, how?

Milk … I'm sorry, mate.

I just think I've been bottling it up and it's all …

I've had no-one to talk to about it.

There's something not right, mate.

I want me fucking Lollipop back.

And she's not there.

I'm just this fucking idiot, aren't I?

I want to be able to fix it and I don't know how.

She never tells me about it. Has she ever spoke to you about her dad?

What are you being so quiet for, mate?

I can't handle it, say something.

- Say summat, Milk. - What do you want me to say?

I just want you to make me feel better about being a mard-arse.

She'll be all right, dude.

(THEY LAUGH)

- You mardy git! - Loser!

Fuck off. I hate kids, anyway.

Gadge, I was looking at little Dogtanian today.

Yeah, mate?

On the park. And then seeing him now, playing the old Commodore …

Swap over, look.

D'you not think he looks a little bit like Meggy?

- Our Meggy? - Yeah.

Don't know what you mean, mate. Like …

Don't you think they look the spitting image of each other?

No.

- Right, mate … - No! No!

Shut up! Shut up now. No, listen, mate.

- Oh, fucking Jesus Christ! - Listen …

Don't go shouting your mouth off. Because if he knows, she'll know.

- If she knows, I get it, mate. - Oh, fuck me backwards, mate!

No, no, mate. She will have my guts for garters, mate.

So that's Woody … Milky … me … you … and Meggy.

- That's … Who have done what? Tru …? - Yeah.

And some of us together, mate. Mm.

I don't even know what to say to her.

She'll just be pleased that you showed up. It'll show you've got a good heart.

I ain't got a good heart, really, have I?

Yeah, you have. I know you have.

- You'll be fine. - I don't really know what to say to her.

Just say, "Mum … Mum, I'm home."

Mum.

Mum, I'm home.

Mum?

Mum!

She's not in.

Well, wait till she is, then.

- Do you want to go upstairs, then? - (SHE LAUGHS)

Let's go in the living room.

Hiya, duck. How you doing?

It's Richard, your dad's mate. Go and get him.

Chalander, you wankshaft. How you doing? You all right?

I've got a favour to ask you. I know it's a big game.

I know it's England v Poland. Fucking hear me out, man.

I'm stuck, here. Lol's gonna go mental.

I've rang round everywhere. I need someone to cover for me tonight.

I'll do fucking Monday to Sunday if I have to for you, mate.

Oh, fucking hell. It don't matter.

Mate, look, if you've got fucking kids, it don't matter, does it?

No, come on, mate. Don't be daft.

I'll speak to you at work. I've gotta go cos Lol's here.

Ta-ra, mate. Bye, duck.

Fucking hell. Sorry, Lola.

What you been doing?

I had the afternoon off. I had a game of football with t'lads.

Bit of a slidey-fighty thing going on.

And, as a result of that, I've got to fucking work tonight.

I can't come and watch football with yous. I'm sorry, love. I'm gutted.

No worries.

I've had an idea.

Frigging come to the factory with me like you used to

and we'll put t'radio on and we'll have a drink and that, bit of a cuddle?

No, I'm all right.

Lola, fucking come on, mate. Let me twist your arm.

You're not happy, I'm not fucking happy.

Come to the factory, we'll have a little cuddle and a kiss,

we'll listen to t'radio, I'll do me drilling and shit.

Are you for real? Are you for fucking real?

Why would I want to do that with you?

Why would I want to sit in a freezing cold factory

when I can go down to the pub and watch it with my mates and have a laugh?

- Why? - I've no idea.

Why the fuck would I want to do that?

I've no idea.

So, that's it, then, you really are going?

I just think that this thing that we've had, this lovely, lovely eight days …

of, of, of amazingness …

has come to an end.

And it always was going to, but …

Doesn't have to end, though, does it? It doesn't have to end.

We could just have sex.

I can't … I can't promise you that, Trudy.

Yes, we can. I can be nice, if you want me to be nice.

- You are nice. - I can do spooning.

The thing is, right, Trude,

is relationships, right, should be Yin and Yang.

At the moment, we're just Yang and Yang.

No, we're not. We are Yin and Yang.

I just don't think this is right for me at the moment, either.

I'm 17, I've got things on my mind and … What are you doing?

Listen, if you want to go, just go!

Just go and take your stuff and go, will you?

… Just not leave on bad terms.

Just go!

OK, just …

Just take your stuff and go and take that bloody picture with you.

What?

No man has ever been on my wall.

No man.

Go! Get out my house! Go!

- OK, Trudy. - Get out!

I'm going. I'm sorry.

(SHE SOBS)

(CLOCK TICKS)

Is that lamp new, over there?

No, we've had it for ages.

And I'm sure that table hasn't been in that position before.

You do know that …

we moved house a couple of months ago?

Oh.

Oh, did you?

Your hair looks nice.

Oh! Talk dirty to me.

Ow, my nipples!

- Woof! - Woof!

Woof!

(THEY LAUGH)

Woof!

- SMELL: Put your head right there. - (SHE CLEARS HER THROAT)

Oh, Shaun!

- Ahem … - This is what it feels like!

- Shaun! - Ahem!

Shaun.

- Hi, Mum. - Sorry.

Are you all right?

She must have fell over.

Michelle.

- I didn't know you was back. - Oh, my God.

Well, I just … came back to speak to you.

I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sit down.

- I didn't know you was here. - I didn't know you was here.

I was asleep. I heard barking. It woke me up.

- (THEY GIGGLE) - What's funny?

It's not funny.

REPORTER: The England players have been taking their first look

at the University Stadium, where they play their crunch game against Poland.

But whichever 11 the manager chooses, he's told his players

to ignore the criticism they're receiving back home.

They're professionals. They know the score here.

They ignore the abusive criticism.

We're here to do a job.

As long as we all stick together.

We have to rise above what's happening back home with certain people.

The local writers have dubbed this "El Grupo de los Dormilones" -

the Group of the Sleeping.

Paul Davis, News At Ten, Monterrey.

(CHANTING) ♫ England, England, England

♫ England, England, England

♫ England, England … ♫

COMMENTATOR: … And showed their feelings …

- (INTERFERENCE ON RADIO) - Come on!

They're giving England one last chance to regain their self-respect.

Don't do that.

Don't … Woah, don't do that.

What's going on here, now?

Come on, you fucking bastard!

So, is this dribbling?

- No, this is a corner, now. - All right, OK, corner.

- Have they scored yet? - No, they're going back for it now.

They haven't scored. They're going for it now. Mum! I'm watching that!

I just want to talk to you for a minute, that's all.

I'm not having a conversation

about the birds and the bees, and the bees wearing condoms,

because I just can't be bothered. I just want to watch the match.

I'm not going to have a chat with you about the birds and the bees and condoms.

I'm just pleased that you're here. It's really nice that you've met someone.

You haven't had a girlfriend since Michelle last time, have ya?

- Yes, I have, Smell. I've had loads. - Aw, that's really sweet!

- It's not sweet cos it's not true. - It's romantic.

Mum, why d'you always try to embarrass me? It's not romantic at all!

Sorry, love.

Well … it's your dad's birthday today and it's not been the best day for me, so …

I just wanted to say that Mr Sandhu's gone. He won't be coming back, so … sorry.

Well, I was saying to Smell earlier on, you know,

I've been a bit out of order and harsh, the things I've said about him

and about you, and …

It was a bit of a shock, weren't it, son?

Well, I was thinking, you know, that maybe Mr Sandhu could …

come over for dinner or something.

Sorry, love?

I was saying maybe Mr Sandhu could come for dinner once.

Just once, though, not …

you know, not going to make a habit of it or anything.

Well, we'll see. Might be nice.

Yeah.

Now, please, can we put the match back on?

Don't see why not.

If they've scored, you can give me two quid.

Who are we, anyway - red or green?

Oh, Mum! There isn't even a green on the field . We're white.

It's red and white, and we're white.

We're playing white?

No, we're in white and we're playing the reds.

Right.

(MATCH COMMENTARY ON TV)

Come on then, get hold of him.

And England have to get players forward.

Go on, then!

The Germans have proved it's possible, so have the Danes,

in temperatures very little different to this.

It also should be remembered …

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

… when we played perhaps our best performance ever against Brazil,

we were playing at higher altitude and in very similar heat.

It might, of course, be said we'd better players, but that remains to be seen …

- Hello, Trev. - Is Kell about?

No, sweetheart, she's gone down the shops. She'll only be ten minutes.

- All right, OK. - Come in.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

- Match is on. - Oh, yeah.

It's nil-nil. We're on top, though.

Get you a beer, eh?

- Yeah, cheers. - Make yourself at home.

- Here you are. - Ta.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

… Four-four-two. Four at the back, four in midfield and two upfront.

Hoddle … looks up, and Waddle … Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Come on!

Lineker checking back when he might have gone straight on. Trevor Steven unmarked.

Gary Stevens coming up on the right, Beardsley in the middle, four in the area.

Lineker!

(ALL CHEER)

A-a-a-ar!

- Yeah! - … Priceless goal in the ninth minute.

And what a relief …

What the fuck?

Fuckin' twat.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Oh, it's the love of my life!

Sweet, man!

What?

- I need a word. - I'm going for a piss.

- Eh? - I'm going for a piss!

I need a word with you!

Oh, fuckin' hell.

What's up?

We need to talk.

OK. What's up?

It's about Woody.

Ugh … Woody.

You're not bothered.

I am bothered, Lola.

Oh, you got a guilty conscious now?

Yeah, yeah, I have. And he's my best friend.

You've got a funny way of showing it!

Come on. While they're all in there,

we can have a quickie in the toilet.

From behind.

Come on, Mil.

Lola, stop acting like a slag.

Lola, I know you're pissed.

You're drunk, but this isn't you.

It has to end.

Well, fuck off, then.

Oh, dear.

So how have you been, Trev. All right?

Yeah, yeah.

Not bad.

- Boyfriend? - No.

- No? - No.

Why not?

- Not really bothered. - No?

How about him?

Old Lineker?

He's all right.

Oh, is he? That's interesting.

Clean cut.

Eh?

A boy next door.

Yeah.

He wouldn't finger you for lookin' at you, d'you know?

He's a missionary man.

Listen, I'll just go and meet them down the pub, cos that's where they'll be.

That's all right, darling. She'll be here in ten minutes, I told ya.

- It's all right. Relax. - Yeah, but …

Yeah, but I'll just get out your hair.

You're not in my hair, love.

I like it, I like you're here.

Hey, I like having you here.

Why don't you relax? Eh? Come here.

No, it's all right, I'll just, I'll just …

Shh.

Shhh.

Take your jacket off.

No, it's all right. I'll just. …

Shh. What did I just tell you? Take your jacket off. Take it off.

Just leave it. Leave it. No.

Hey, hey, hey! What you talking about? Come here. What's the matter with ya?

Hey! Don't you play games with me.

Eh?

(HE KISSES HER)

Get off!

Shut up.

Take it off. Come here.

Hey, shh. I'm just playing.

We're just playing. Shh. Kiss me.

- Ugh. - What the fuck's that? Kiss me.

Get off! Please.

- Come on, kiss me. - Please.

Kiss my princess, yeah?

I'll scream.

You'll fuckin' what? Eh?

Shut up! All right?

Don't fucking come here playing games with me, Trev, cos I'm sick and tired

of people playing fucking games with me today! You understand?

All right, now this can be fucking hard or it can be easy.

All right? This can be the best fuck you've ever had,

all right, or the worst.

(MATCH COMMENTARY ON TV INSIDE)

What was that?

- I heard that as well. - Probably just the cats.

Shaun …

- It's pussycats. - … there's someone outside.

Shaun, there's someone at the door.

SHAUN: You're in the wrong house, mate, go away!

- Oh, God! - Go away, you're in the wrong house!

Jesus Christ, who's that?!

Mate, you've got the wrong house! Get out!

- You've got the wrong house, get out! - Don't touch him!

Shhhh. Shhh.

Oh, yeah.

- Shhh. - Please.

Move your arms and I swear I'll …

Don't fucking play with me.

Don't play with me.

Shhh. Hey, shhh.

Shaun, don't touch him!

Mate, you're in the wrong house. Come on, get out! Get out!

- Shaun, don't touch him. - Come on!

Shaun, watch his head.

Smell, it's Combo.

Com!

Combo! Combo!

Lineker, far side. Coming in on it now …

(ALL CHEER)

Magnificent goal!

He can only stand and stare at English joy.

15 minutes gone. England 2, Poland 0.

Lovely cross, and Lineker met it so sweetly.

Ah, you're not very wet, are you, eh?

Don't worry, we'll soon change that.

(SHE WHIMPERS, HE GASPS)

Oh, yeah.

- (SHE WHIMPERS) - Shhh.

(WHIMPERING CONTINUES)

Shhh.

Shut up!

Shut up.

(SHE WHIMPERS)

I'll fuck you. I'll fuck you.

I'll fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck you! Fuck you!

- (SHE WHIMPERS) - Fuck you!

Ahhh!

(HE GASPS)

(HE BREATHES HEAVILY, SHE WHIMPERS)

Get out.

Get out. Go.