Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Okay, I got ya. Thanks a lot. Okay, bye.

Everybody, I have got some fantasticnews.

Home Depot is going into men's fashions?

I wish.

Nope, this is something completely different.

I was just on the phone with Barney Daley

the guy I built those houses for.

Oh, yeah, those big houses on the lake?

That's right, well, apparently

I saved him so much money

by coming in ahead of schedule and under budget

that he has volunteered to finance one of the model homes

and sell it to me for builder's cost.

Oh, dad, that will be great for us!

"Us?" You know what this will do for my social life?

I'm already thin and beautiful

and, and now, people will think I'm rich.

Are we really going to move?

Well, if mommy really wants to.

Of course, we'd have to sell this house

but it's the opportunity of a lifetime.

- Let's go for it! - Alright.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Back up the moving van.

I'm not sure I wanna go anywhere.

I mean, I love this old house.

Carol, when I had to replace

the hot water tank last week

you called it a money-sucking pit.

Yeah, but it's ourmoney-sucking pit.

I mean, the kids grew up here.

This was our first home together.

This isn't just bricks and mortar.

This house is like a member of the family.

Did I fail to mention the master suite has a fireplace in it?

Well, I suppose a new house

could become a member of the family.

[laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Flynn.

Yeah, well, I'll talk to Lilly about it

when she gets home from school.

Okay. Bye, bye.

Ah, that was Lilly's teacher, Mrs. Flynn.

Lilly got in trouble at school today.

During recess, she threw the ball up on the roof.

[chuckles] Cool!

You gonna bust her butt when she walks in?

Oh, I won't have to do that. I know my daughter.

I mean, she'll tell me all about it when she comes in.

[door opens]

[gasps]

Hi, mommy. Bye, mommy.

[Carol] 'Freeze!'

Lilly. Come here.

Mrs. Flynn told me what you did at recess today.

Well, the other kids wouldn't pass me the ball.

So I showed them.

That is no way to handle a problem with your friends.

So, I want you to go up to your room

and think about it.

For how long?

Until you can figure out

what the right thing to do would have been.

[sighs]

I know.

I could've punched their lights out.

Keep thinking.

[sighs] I'm worried about her.

She's never acted like that before.

Carol, relax.

It's probably just more of these Lambert genes coming out.

Carol, we all went a little postal at Lilly's age.

I mean, at my seventh birthday party I broke the pinata.

Well, you're supposed to do that.

Yeah, but not over Bobby Preston's head.

[instrumental music]

Frank, this house is incredible!

[inhales deeply] Ah, beautiful skylines, intercoms in every room

and.. Argh! These custom cabinets..

Yeah, well, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

- Ah. - Watch this.

[automated message] 'The dishwasher is empty.'

[laughs]

Talking appliances?

I feel like we're on "The Jetsons."

[laughing]

Dad, dad, this house is totally cool!

I mean, the backyard looks like a park!

You can see the lake from the family room.

Not only that, this house has solar panels

low-floor toilets, a trash compactor

and built-in recycling bins.

If every house was built like this, we could save the planet.

Forget the planet.

There is a lighted three-way mirror

in my bathroom.

Now I can look at myself looking at myself

looking at myself!

Gee, we're talking hours of entertainment.

Well, you three certainly seem to be impressed, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Well, Lilly, do you like the new house?

No.

[intercom beeps]

[J.T. on intercom] 'J.T. Lambert to Mission Control. Do you read me?'

- Loud and clear, Spaceball. - 'Man, this place is awesome!'

[J.T.] 'I mean, a bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub'

'and a steam shower.'

Uh, where is Rich?

[flushing]

[Rich] 'Hi, honey. The water is blue!'

[J.T.] 'I think this suite will work out'

'just fine for Rich and me.'

Hey, wait a minute there, pal.

You are in the master suite

and I am the master.

If you and Rich plan on livin' here

there's a very nice little storage room

in the attic that I think will suit you quite well.

[J.T.] 'Oh, man! The attic? That's really sh..'

Boy, I wish I could do that to him all the time.

[chuckles]

Well, honey, what do you say?

Oh, I don't know, the house is so beautiful

but, uh, leaving our home is such a big decision.

Oh, no, honey, t-the girls love it, I love it.

'Come on. What do you think, huh?'

Oh, I'm just not sure.

Ah, hey, I'll tell you what.

Let the refrigerator decide for you, huh?

- Refrigerator? - Yeah, yeah.

Just open it and, uh, let it decide.

[automated message] Carol Lambert, you are one sexy mama.

[laughing]

I can program it to say anything I want.

[laughs]

Oh, what the hell!

- Let's go for it. - Yes, alright!

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Okay, now there, you see that big empty space in the garage?

That's where I'm gonna put my shop.

[chuckles]

Whoopee.

So you're gonna have plenty of room

for your glue guns and your putty knives.

Meanwhile, you stick me, your own flesh and blood

in a little attic storage room where I can barely stand up.

[sighs] Why do you care, J.T.?

The only time you do stand up

is to brush potato-chip crumbs off yourself.

Yeah, well, uh..

I wanna thank you for, uh, thinkin' about me, dad.

By the way, when you're old, you're going right into a home.

...room here.

Oh, look at all these

beautiful hardwood moldings, huh?

I mean, you don't see craftsmanship like this

in houses anymore.

Ah, Cathie, Howard, this is my husband, Frank.

- Oh. Alright. Cathie, hi. - How are you?

Frank, your house is just loaded with potential.

Yes. So is it a, a good neighborhood?

Oh, it's terrific. It's very quiet. It's..

Well, except when Lars Lundergarden

and his family have their big reunion.

[chuckles] Then they all get tanked up

strip naked and jump right in the snow bank.

A strange family, but every Christmas

Mrs. Lundergarden brings us a big pot of Swedish meatballs.

- Oh, yeah. - Well, uh, that's very nice.

But, uh, uh, we don't, uh, eat meat. We're vegans.

- Hm. - Oh, hey, no problem there.

Because we've got some Catholics next door

and some Jews right across the street.

Bu-bu-but don't-don't worry about it.

I mean, they're not gonna jump in the snow naked or anything.

And that's a shame too, 'cause that Mrs. Rosenfarm's

a good-lookin' woman.

[no audio]

- Well.. - Well, uh..

Thank you, uh, very much for, uh

for letting us see your house

and, uh, we're very interested.

- Oh. - I'll be right with you.

They love the place.

I think they're gonna write an offer today.

- Cool! - Oh, hello.

[chuckles]

- Oh, honey! - Yeah.

Mommy, daddy, who were those people?

Oh, those are the people that are probably gonna

buy our house, come on, let's go call Barney

and tell him we're takin' the new one.

I can't believe it

we're actually gonna move.

[chuckling]

[sighs] You don't wanna move to that stupid house.

Do you, Mr. Buttons?

I don't either.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Lilly, it is not okay to throw paint on someone

just because they won't let you use their crayons.

- Then when is it okay? - Never!

And it's not okay to throw a ball on the roof either.

Mom, ahem, let me try and talk to her.

I had two semesters of child psychology

and I'm good with children.

Oh, that must be true. She is dating Rich.

Fine. Be my guest.

Lilly, um, I know that sometimes

it's hard to talk to grown-ups

but I don't want you to think of me

as your big sister Dana.

Think of me as your little friend Bootsy.

[imitates Bootsy] Lilly, it makes Bootsy sad when you do bad things.

So tell me, why did you throw paint today?

Bite me, Bootsy.

Oh, yeah, Dana, you're great with kids.

Lilly.

I'll go to my room and think about it.

[laughs] "Bite me, Bootsy."

God, I love that kid!

[instrumental music]

Honey, what do you think, this or this?

- This? - That one.

- Okay. - Absolutely.

So, did you get all the measurements you need?

Uh, almost, our contractor's

still up in the attic making some notes.

What do you think about the bannister?

- Lose it. - Lose it.

Boy, I'll tell you, it's a, it's a lot more cramped up there

than I would have thought.

Oh, and, uh, by the way

whoever put in that flooring up there

really did a shoddy job.

That would be me.

Oh, well, there's, uh, no need to apologize.

Nope, we're gonna rip it all out and put in hardwood

when we, uh, turn the attic into a loft.

Whoa, uh, uh, gee.

Um, I don't mean to tell you what to do with your house

but there's really not enough room up there for a loft.

Oh, there will be, once we blow out the roof.

- Huh. - "Blow out the roof?"

But won't that change the whole look of the house?

We certainly hope so.

Uh, I mean, don't get me wrong, it's very quaint

but we're just not into that

little-house-on-the-prairie look.

- "Little house on the prairie?" - Uh, uh, uh, t-take it easy.

It's gonna be their house, remember?

Book cases. Howard, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Hm, yeah, I think we're on the same page here.

- Lose it. - Lose it.

Lose it? Well, I mean

these are handcrafted oak.

They were built with the house, so it would just be a shame

to throw them all away.

- You know, she's right. - 'Oh.'

Let's donate them to the Salvation Army.

Ah! I smell a tax deduction.

Howie, you are such a giver.

- Let's look at the kitchen. - Okay.

[imitates Cathie] "Howie, you are such a giver."

Come on. Let's get in.

I'm so excited about this kitchen.

Well, it's a real cook's kitchen.

[chuckles] Gosh, when I think

of all the family dinners we've had here, oh.

Actually, we usually get take-out

but I love the idea of having a kitchen

that makes it look like I cook.

We're thinking of going kind of European hi-tech, you know..

- White, white, white. - Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Excuse me, I-I'm kinda confused.

You know, I thought you bought this house because you liked it

but it seems like you're gonna change everything.

Well, we're just trying to make it our own.

[laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you should.

I always thought the kitchen was a little tacky myself.

Anyways, uh, I hope you're not planning on changing

the fabulous, income-producing apartment next door.

I mean, I live there and I'd love to stay.

Well, actually, we're going to turn the apartment

into a kennel for our Schnauzers.

That's great, I love Schnauzers.

In fact, it might be a step up from living with Rich.

Not for the Schnauzers.

Well, I think that does it for us in here.

Uh, we're just gonna stop out back real quick

and, uh, mark some of the trees we're gonna cut down

and we'll be on our way.

Oh, Howie, we need more post-its.

Oh, right.

Ah, gee, Frank, this is terrible.

We have this great house and now they're gonna gut it

and turn it into Yuppie Land.

I don't get it. Why would anyone wanna cut down trees?

Maybe they need more post-its.

[instrumental music]

[door opens]

Carol?

Honey, what are you doin' up?

It's after one o'clock in the morning.

Oh, I couldn't sleep, so I came down here to start packing

and then I started looking at these photo albums.

Look, remember when that was taken?

Oh, yeah, I sure do. That was Christmas.

Lilly took her first step right by the coffee table.

Yeah. Hm.

Oh, look at this one.

J.T. and Al opening their presents.

Ah, this house is so great at Christmas.

Carol, this house is great all the time.

Yeah, well, not when the Adlers get done with it.

I know. I know.

Frank, I know this sounds crazy

but I don't want them to be in this house.

I mean, I feel like we're abandoning

a member of our family.

You want to know somethin'? I feel exactly the same way.

Really? But I know how much you love the other house.

It's bigger and it's more modern.

Yeah, well, this house is more...us, huh?

Hey, come on, we have more than enough space

and the kids, they're all gonna be gone soon.

I wouldn't count on that.

Guy can dream, can't he?

[laughs]

So, what are these drawings?

Ah! Oh, look what Lilly's drawn here.

Oh, yeah.

It's a duck sittin' on a microwave.

No, it's not, it's a little blonde girl

standing in front of a moving van and crying.

Nah. I-I still say it's a duck.

Frank, can't you see? It's Lilly.

She doesn't wanna move, either.

Maybe that's why she's been acting out in school.

I still say it's a duck.

Mommy, daddy..

Mr. Buttons and I can't sleep.

Aw, come here, sweetheart.

Aw.

- Is it 'cause we're moving? - Maybe.

- You don't wanna move, do you? - Not really.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, everyone were so excited.

I didn't wanna ruin it for them.

Oh, I'm sorry, I guess daddy and I should have asked

how you felt about it.

- That would have been nice. - Hm.

Will you promise, next time something is bothering you

that you'll talk to daddy and me about it?

- I promise. - Hm.

Alright, then that settles it. We're not movin'.

[gasps] Yippie!

[laughing]

But what about the Adlers, Frank?

We have a contract. How do we get out of it?

Uh, well, they still have to do their final walk-through.

And this is an old house.

A lot of things could go wrong.

Frank Lambert, I like the way you think.

Mommy, how'd you know I didn't wanna move?

Tsk. Oh, well, I saw this drawing of you

standing in front of a moving van and crying.

That's not me.

That's a duck on a microwave.

[instrumental music]

Alright, now listen up, does everybody know their jobs

for Operation Adler Flush?

- Yeah, yeah. - Things look good.

Am I the only one who still wants to move to the new house

with the great mirrors, I mean, view?

Karen, it's a beautiful place

but we've all agreed that this is our home!

Yeah, come on, besides, I mean, Lilly really wants to stay.

- It'll mean a lot to her. - It'll mean a lot to me, too.

I won't have to choose between living in an attic

or under an overpass.

They're here. They're coming around the back.

Man your post, man your post, here we go.

- Oh, I hope this works. - You and me both.

Ooh. Okay.

[clears throat] Now.

- Oh, hi! Come in. - Hi.

Ready for your final walk-through?

- You bet. - Well, so are we.

So just make yourself at home.

As they say, mi casa, uh, uh, is..

- Su casa. - Su casa.

[laughing] So just have a look.

Look at whatever you want to, just look at everything.

- Um, is that faucet leaking? - Yeah.

No! No, no, we-we probably didn't turn it off all the way.

That's it. Yeah.

[screaming]

Oh-oh, my goodness.

Ah, you know what, let me show you

where the shut-off valve is.

- No, no, no. - No, no, no problem.

Right over here..

'Get down here, you gotta turn it with your hands'

and then it comes off, there you go.

Oh, my God. I think we got it. Whoo!

Well, that was a wet one, wasn't it?

I must not have put it on real tight

when I replaced the faucet.

Well, that's, that's okay, it's, uh, no harm done.

We're gonna replace all the fixtures, anyway.

Ah, well, there you go.

[sighs] Frank.

The upstairs toilets are backed up again.

Mark, we have company

so, uh, ixnay on the apcre.

Uh, your, uh, your toilets back up?

Yeah, well, well, it's not really so much the toilets

as it is the, uh, sewer line.

Boy, when those babies get backed up

sort of like a monkey house in a heat wave

if you know what I mean. Phew.

How often does that happen?

- Oh, once, twice, a week. Tops. - Uh..

- Well, how, how comforting. - Hm.

Well, look, you two are gonna be walking around a lot

so, why don't you put yourself on the kitchen table?

- Yeah, sure. - Hm.

[yelps]

I barely touched it.

We're not gonna pay for that.

Well, of course not, it's not your fault.

We just have a teeny little problem with termites.

- Yeah. - Termites?

Yeah, but it's no big deal, you know?

So far they've only gotten to the furniture.

Yeah, wow, it looks like those babies can

chew through a table in about two hours flat.

Yeah, but don't worry, the rest of the house

solid as a rock.

Jesus! Well, uh, do-don't worry about this, we can figu..

You just sort of hang something right over there..

I have a picture of Elvis on black velvet.

- I'll throw in-- - Oh, no. No, no, no.

- You can't just cover this up. - Well, you could.

My gosh! Look at this. The studs are all eaten away.

I thought you said that the termites

didn't get to the house.

Oh, those aren't termites.

No, they're Bulgarian wood-eating worms.

[Frank] Yeah.

Little devils came in a fruit basket

from South America last Christmas.

They've been munching on the walls ever since.

Oh, my gosh, I-I can't understand

how the, how the contractor missed all of this.

Yeah, yeah, well, you know..

[grunting] But these old houses, Howard

these things kinda pop up every now and then

but it's not gonna make you change your mind, is it?

Uh, no, no, I-I guess not.

You're not gonna change your mind?

[eerie howling]

What the hell is that?

We don't really know.

But rumor has it that this house

was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

[eerie howling]

But we don't believe it.

Well, of course not.

But, uh, Howie, ahem, just to be on the safe side

I wouldn't let the Schnauzers out late at night.

We let our Sheepdog out one night.

Next morning, all we found

was a flea collar and a little ball of fur.

Oh!

That's it, that's it!

Termites, howling, disappearing pets.

- I do not wanna buy this house. - Oh, wait a minute here.

Now, we have a contract and you can't back out.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no.

We have a contract that says

that this house has to pass final inspection

by the two of us, and frankly

this hellhole doesn't.

[Cathie] This is the most disgusting house I've ever seen.

[gasps]

The rats are back.

Oh, my.

[instrumental music]

And I know that some of you are upset

that we didn't get to move

so, I wanted to make it up to you

in my own little way.

Dana, I know this house doesn't have a lot

of those fancy recycling things

but I thought, maybe that you could

put this to good use.

- A can crusher? - Oh, man, those are great.

They're way faster than smashing them against your head.

And, Al, I know how much you wanted to live by the lake

and since we can't, I, uh, I got you this.

Oh, gee. Thanks, dad.

Next Christmas, I'm getting you a picture of a shirt.

Uh, Karen, I did rig up

a, a little something special for you.

Wow! A compact with a three-way mirror!

Now you can look at yourself looking at yourself..

Well, you know the rest.

[chuckles]

Well, that's nice, Frank. You got everybody a gift.

And I saved the best 'til last.

- Yeah? - Go open the refrigerator.

- Refrigerator? - Yeah, go ahead.

[chuckles]

[automated message] Carol Lambert, you're so hot

you're meltin' my ice cream.

[laughing]

- That's great, Frank. - Well, you think that's great.

Wait till you hear what the toaster

has to say about your buns.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]