Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Hey, guys.

Guess what?

I got a new job today.

That's great. What is it?

Well, I figured it was time to stop thinking about myself

and get a job where I could serve others.

You know, answer to a higher calling.

You're becoming a priest?

Close. A talent agent.

A talent agent? Tsk.

Who in their right mind will let you

handle their career?

Well, so far just you, but..

I've got calls into Lucy Lawless, Pamela Anderson

and that big chick with all the makeup on "Drew Carey."

Whoa, swifty, hey, back up the limo.

What makes you think I want you to be my agent?

[scoffs] Oh, well, nothing, just the fact that

I've already landed you an acting job.

Get out.

Al, I'm serious.

I got you the perfect vehicle to follow up

that little movie role you did.

How would you like to start

in a suntan lotion commercial

for VX Productions shooting tomorrow

in Milwaukee?

Well, tomorrow? Uh, forget it.

I'm auditioning for "Romeo And Juliet"

at the Port Washington little theater.

I mean, this is my big chance to try Shakespeare.

Shakespeare? That hack?

He don't even write good English.

I cannot believe you would rather work

at the butt-scratch playhouse..

...than star in a commercial that'll be seen

by millions of people.

And, did I forget to mention

earn you 200 bucks?

- Wow, $200? - Yeah.

And more importantly, it could be your next step to stardom.

Well, I guess I could do Shakespeare another time.

And a commercial would be kinda fun.

Alright. Okay, I'll do it.

Yes! Oh, this is so awesome. That's great.

Oh, now I gotta go fire Rich.

The Sheboygan dinner theater

is doing "Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs."

That kid was born to play Dopey.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ Deeper we fall the stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ Second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, man, I am starved.

Any of you guys find any junk food yet?

No. We're even out of Gummy Bears.

- Man, this bites. - Yeah, well, don't worry, guys.

Carol will be back from the supermarket pretty soon.

Man, there's not even any chocolate syrup.

What kind of a hellish nightmare is this?

You guys, can you give me a hand?

[all clamoring]

Oh, boy, honey, am I glad you're back from the store.

You know, the, the kids were gettin' just starved here.

And you know what junk-food junkies they are.

And where aremy Twinkies?

Wheatgrass cookies?

Beet juice? Rice cream?

Hey, mom, bad news.

You must've taken some hippie's groceries by mistake.

Nope, those are our groceries.

Alright, honey, what's going on here?

Well, Dana and I just finished a nutrition seminar

at the Wellness Center.

Aw, geez.

That's right, people, from now on this family will be eating

only healthy foods that come from

the bosom of Mother Earth.

No more processed sugar and fast foods

and hormone-laced meat will be absolutely forbidden.

- Yay, Gummy Bears. - 'No, Lilly.'

Those aren't Gummy Bears, they're..

Yuck. These are gross.

Seaweed bears.

It's gonna take a little getting used to, I know that.

But I think if we just give it a chance

we'll learn to really enjoy it and we'll live longer.

If I have to eat seaweed, I'm not sure I want to.

Frank, come on, this is important.

- Give it a chance. Please. - Oh.

Well, hey, listen, if it's that important to you

we can do it. Come on, we can do it, right, guys, huh?

- Yeah, whatever. - Yeah, sure.

Mommy, can I take the seaweed bears to school?

- And give 'em to your friends? - No.

Billy Atkins, he kicked me.

It's payback time.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Go tell Stan we're ready.

Al, sweetie, baby doll.

Did I come through for you or what, huh?

Yeah, I'm not so sure.

For a big commercial, doesn't this seem kinda low rent?

Al, loose the 'tude, huh?

This is your second gig.

We're trying to build your rep here. Work with me.

J.T., do me a favor.

Don't tell people you're my agent

or my brother.

Okay, kiddies, let's make some magic.

Alright, places, everybody.

Alright, girls, now remember

we're selling suntans.

Pretend you're on a beach in Puerto Vallarta.

It's hot, so act hot.

Donavan Sun And Ocean Lotion. Take one.

And action!

[spray hissing]

[chuckles] Becky, you're not gonna believe it.

Not only am I having a great vacation

but I'm getting the best tan ever

with Donavan Sun And Ocean Lotion.

In fact, I'm calling all my friends to tell them.

[all] We're calling all our friends, too.

And cut!

Oh! Ha-ha! That was gold!

You're gorgeous, all of you.

Now wipe off all that crappy lotion.

We'll do the next setup in five minutes.

Al, that was great. You were fantastic.

You were great. You were the best!

Hello, baby, you familiar with the J.T. Lambert Agency?

Are you familiar with the term "Beat it," loser?

Very!

Get out of here.

[instrumental music]

Oh, boy. Our first healthy meal.

I wonder what they're gonna give us.

I just hope I don't throw up.

Well, if you have to, turn towards Mark.

- I'm wearing silk. - Alright now, cut it out.

Remember, no matter what this is like

we promised to give it a shot, right?

- Yeah, whatever. - Yeah.

Okay, everything's ready.

Now, Dana, why don't you serve the main course for the evening?

[sighs] Oh.

First, we have a

scrumptious lentil loaf..

...made entirely..

...from organically-grown lentil beans.

And the best part is..

...that it is completely salt-free

fat-free and cholesterol-free.

I'll tell you what, for something that won't kill you

it smells pretty good.

Next we have a garden salad

made with barley leaves and wheatgrass.

You know, this looks pretty okay too.

Better than okay, it's loaded with bulk and fiber

and it'll naturally cleanse your systems.

What's she's saying, guys, it's gonna flush us

like a Roto-Rooter. Ha-ha.

Thank you for that image, honey.

Okay, now, bon appetit.

[sighs]

Well, what do you think? Isn't it great?

[chuckles]

I...have never tasted anything like this.

- Have you, guys? - No.

- 'No?' - No.

- 'How about you?' - No.

- 'No?' - 'No.'

Well, if you like this

you are gonna love our next course.

Come on, Dana.

[retching]

Okay, who is ready for bean-curd gravy

and green-algae muffins?

Oh, man, I wish we had a dog.

[instrumental music]

[man on TV] 'Well, that's the end of the first quarter'

'with the score Hornets-28 and Bucks-26.'

'We'll be right back after these messages.'

Hey, isn't that Al?

Yeah, that's her commercial.

Hey, Al, your commercial's on. Get in here!

It's already on. I don't believe it!

We just shot it two days ago.

Hey, with J.T. Lambert as your agent

good things happen.

[woman on TV] Hey, guys, are you lonely tonight?

Well, don't be because we're oiling up just for you.

Oh, my God.

So, guys, if you wanna play a little beach-blanket-bingo

grab your boogie board, your credit card and call us.

Remember, we Beach Bunnies are waiting to talk to you.

So pick up the phone now.

That was not the commercial I was in.

I was supposed to be selling suntan lotion.

Looks like you were selling a wholelot more than that.

- This is all your fault! - Hey!

- You moron! - Yeah! Al, wait, wait.

Give it a chance. Look at it this way. It's exposure.

[grunting]

[instrumental music]

[grunting]

You idiot, you bone-head, you moron!

Al, stop. Wait. I swear, this isn't my fault.

If I would've known this was gonna be a sleazy commercial

I would've asked for a lot more money.

[grunting]

I cannot believe I let you talk me into this.

I could've been playing Juliet.

Instead, I'm playing Miss Oil-me Call-me. Ah!

Al, Al. Al, now calm down, calm down.

Look, th-these commercials, they come and go, okay?

If it makes you feel any better..

...you looked great.

Ow! What, what? I'm just trying to help here.

Control your..

Al, nobody's really gonna see the commercial, anyway.

Except for maybe a few guys at school

a few teachers..

Reverend Miller

and three or four million guys watching this game.

Oh.

I think you're forgetting the big man upstairs.

God?

No, worse, Frank.

- Oh! - Oh, no.

I'm dead.

No. No, you're not dead. No, you're not.

Dad is never gonna see this commercial.

First thing tomorrow I'm driving to Milwaukee

and demanding that creep, Stan, take it off the air.

Yeah. Yeah, you are driving to Milwaukee, alright.

But I'm going with you and this time I am doing

all the talking. You've screwed up enough!

Al, I understand why you're mad.

You're the one in the raunchy commercial

that looks like a cheap slut. Ah!

I had that one coming. Ah!

[instrumental music]

Oh, Mr. L, you are my hero.

Thank you so much for sneaking in this food.

- Oh. - Well, I had to do something.

I lost six pounds in two days with that seaweed crap

they've been feeding us.

So you don't feel guilty about breaking mom's diet?

Oh, yeah, it's tearin' me up.

Are you gonna eat any of that? Oh, boy.

Oh, my God, it's donuts!

Donuts! Don..

My God!

You crazy? You're gonna wake up the food police.

You're right. Sorry.

Oh, God. Soft, greasy, fried dough!

It just doesn't get any better than this.

Guys!

What are you doing?

This isn't what it looks like.

These are bean-curd donuts.

- And this is seaweed pizza. - Mm.

Yeah, right. And I'll bet those Twinkies are made out of tofu.

You're mad at us, aren't you?

You're darn right..

...for starting without me.

Mm. Come to mama, baby.

Yeah, Carol, hey-hey-hey. Hey-hey-hey.

That's a pizza. It's got salt and it's got fat in it.

I know. That's what makes it taste so good.

[laughs]

Well, I'm all for eating healthy

but that health food stuff

we were serving you really sucked.

Yeah, you're doing good now. Have a donut.

- Alright, people, freeze! - Oh.

Oh, no.

It's the nutrition Nazi.

You people are pathetic!

Mom,you too?

How could you?

I was hungry.

You all make me sick.

You couldn't go three days

without putting this poison in your veins?

Honey, it's not like we're shooting up heroin here.

Not yet, but junk food is the gateway drug.

Dana, I don't want you to take this the wrong way

but you're a twit.

Listen, mister, I am trying to save your lives.

Now, step away from table. I'm confiscating this junk food.

[all growling]

That's enough, Dana.

Now, I'm all for improving our diet

but we went way too far.

But, mom, I thought we were gonna force them

to do it our way!

- Huh? - Huh?

Come on, Dana, that stuff we were feeding them

tasted like landfill.

Fine, but here is the bottom line.

That poison in front of you is gonna kill you.

'It's gonna clog your arteries, raise your blood pressure'

and blow your hearts right out of your chests.

You're gonna end up a bunch of bloated, fat-filled

cholesterol-ridden carcasses.

- Now what do you say to that? - I say, pass the pepperoni.

Yes.

No way, the donuts. The donuts are great!

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering on TV]

Hey, Mr. L, watching a little b-ball, eh?

Yeah. It's the Bucks' game. I taped it last night.

Ooh, yeah, I know you're gonna enjoy it.

Did you say you taped it last night?

Yeah, there it is.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

I'm sorry, Mr. L. I can't have you watch that.

Why not?

Well, b-b-because the-the-the Bucks had to forfeit the game.

They came all down with a virus.

What virus?

Ebola?

Yeah, well, no, no, Mr. L. No, I can't let you..

- No, no. Mr. L! Mr. L! - Give it..

One more word and you're evicted!

[man on TV] 'Well, that's the end of the first quarter'

'with the score Hornets-28 and Bucks-26.'

'We'll be right back after these messages.'

[woman on TV] Hey, guys, are you lonely tonight?

Well, don't be because we're oiling up just for you.

So, guys, if you wanna play a little beach-blanket-bingo

grab your boogie board

your credit card and call us. Remember..

Al?

...are waiting to talk to you..

Alright, what do you know about that?

Well, now, Mr. L, I'm very loyal to my friends.

And there is absolutely no way I could ever betray--

Spill it, shorty!

J.T. got Al a commercial in Milwaukee, supposed to be

for suntan lotion, but it turned out to be one of those

"Oil-me Call-me" numbers so J.T. now went down

to VX Productions in Milwaukee to get the producer

to take it off the air.

[woman on TV] Hey, guys, are you lonely tonight..

- Rich! - It's off, off!

[instrumental music]

Well, look, all I'm sayin' is

you should try out this girl in your Detroit club

'and she does a number with the hula hoop'

'you ain't gonna believe.'

[chuckles] Right. Alright. Bye, Pop.

Well, if it isn't my little movie star and Jimmy Hollywood.

[chuckles] What can I do for you kids?

I think you know why we're here.

You told me I was going to be in a suntan lotion commercial.

And instead, you made me a beach-blanket bimbo.

Look, you've gotta take that commercial

off the air right now.

Sorry, no can do.

You see, I got a piece of paper

that says I have the right to do

whatever I want with that film.

Maybe your agent didn't read it.

Look, pal, I don't think you know who you're dealing with.

I'm hooked up to some pretty powerful people.

My best friend's cousin's Guatemalan pen pal

waits tables at F. Lee Bailey's favorite taco stand!

Kid, I don't even know what that means.

Get outta here.

- Hey! - 'Dad.'

Geez, dad, I am sorry this happened.

- This creep lied and-- - Yeah, yeah, Al, it's okay.

Rich explained everything to me. I'm not mad at ya.

Boy, what a relief. I thought you were gonna kill us both.

Well, you're half right, son.

Just wait outside.

I wanna have a little discussion

with your producer here.

Yeah, hey, listen, uh, friend.

Why don't you just make this easy?

Give me the tape you made of my daughter

and I'll leave here a happy guy.

[chuckles] Look, friend

I got your daughter's signed contract.

And I got more lawyers than O.J.

so you ain't gettin' squat.

Okay.

Boy, you got a lot of nice, fancy equipment there.

This camera, ooh.

I bet you this is expensive, huh?

[scoffs] You're damn right. Set me back plenty.

Really?

See, I have a reputation

for bein' a pretty clumsy guy.

Wonder what would happen if I just drop this

right out the window?

Go ahead, big shot. Drop it.

My lawyer will write up a claim.

I'll have a new one up here

before you get back to the farm.

As a matter of fact, Jethro..

...there's nothin' you could drop out that window

that would make me give up that tape.

Is that right?

Whoa!

What are you, a lunatic? Pull me back in!

Yeah, well, first I wanna explain

my philosophy to you, okay?

A father's relationship with his daughter is

well, it's sacred, you know?

And what you did with my daughter

well, that was a no-no, you see.

- Oh, ah! - Oh, sorry about that.

Ah, you would drop me four stories

just to get back that stupid tape?

Yeah, and then kick your sorry butt up here and drop you again.

[blabbering]

Okay, okay! Pull me back in!

- You can have the tape. - Thanks.

[grunting]

"Motorcycle Maidens," "Nasty Nurses," "Nasty Nurses 2."

Well, "Oil-me Call-me." Here you go. Take it.

Just leave me alone here!

You're a mad man, you know that?

God, no, Stan. This is me, calm.

If I find out this isn't the only tape you got

of my daughter's commercial, I'll be back.

And then you're gonna see a mad man.

Dad, you got my tape. How'd you do it?

Uh, well, I just, I just

opened the window of opportunity for him

and I let him see things from a higher perspective.

Gosh, dad, thank you.

- It's alright, pal. - Thanks, dad.

You're still the other half.

[instrumental music]

[sniffing]

No.

[sniffing]

Ah, I can beat this.

I am not weak like the others.

[sighs]

Alright, so I'm weak.

[Rich] 'Uh, later, J.T., I'm out of here.'

Hey, uh, honey?

What's that, uh, book you're reading there?

[mumbling]

So, so, honey, how are you handling that, uh

health-food diet of yours? Are you sticking to it?

Mm-hmm.

You wouldn't cheat now, would you?

Unh-uh.

Would you like some milk to wash down that chocolate donut?

[chuckles]

- Thank you. - You're welcome.