All language subtitles for Alone.S13E10.540p.X265.AAC

I just got fully turned around.

How is that even possible?

It's getting tougher.
The weather's getting tougher.

Oh, [bleep].

It's a massive challenge

to keep myself mentally
and physically healthy.

What the [bleep]?

We got another bunny.

Oh, got another one.

Here's another bunny.

This is going to be a wild day.

Brings us to 51 bunnies.

Can't see me
losing this game.

There's a little bit
of smoke buildup in my shelter.

But the worst is not the smoke.
It's actually the steam.

And as the temperature drops,
the steam is getting worse.

There's just no way I'm going
to be able to [bleep] last

with this [bleep] shelter.

Oh, [bleep].

If this chimney would crack
or collapse,

I would really have
serious problem.

Chimney, [bleep] you.

Oh, my.

I've been so grateful
for the food

that I've already got
these past 50 days.

Let's go!

This morning, we're
going to check our trap lines.

♪ You gotta believe,
you gotta believe ♪

♪ You gotta believe ♪

♪ You gotta believe there's
a fish in your trout line ♪

♪ You gotta believe
there's a hare in your snare ♪

♪ You gotta believe there's a
squirrel hanging from a pole ♪

♪ And a moose is
taken with your bow ♪

Come on, everybody.

♪ You gotta believe, you gotta
believe, you gotta believe ♪

♪ You gotta believe your hair
isn't just one knot ♪

♪ You gotta believe
your bad guts will go away ♪

♪ You gotta believe
you won't be alone forever ♪

♪ You gotta believe you can
make it one more night ♪

♪ You gotta believe
you can lean into the fight ♪

♪ One more day alone
is enough ♪

Oh!

We got a hare.

We're back, baby.
We're back.

Hold on.

I'm going to keep you there
because you're literally,

I don't know,
right next to my camp.

Hare, camp.
Hare, camp.

We're going to go check
the other traps.

Oh, wow. OK, well,
that was a nice little treat.

And the thing that I keep
thinking about the most

these past couple weeks
are how I feel like

I have changed out here.

Like, I almost don't
even recognize myself.

I walk through life normally
with my chin up

and my shoulders back
with this identity

of being strong and secure
and confident.

And out here,

I just feel like I've been
vulnerable and teary-eyed.

And I wouldn't say weak,

I'm just leaning
a very different presence.

Shut the [bleep] up.

Oof, sorry.
Excuse my French.

I got another hare.

Wow, two hares today.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.

Wow, OK.

This is amazing.

I always have
leaned into emotions.

You know, I do believe
to feel is to exist.

I'd rather feel truly, madly,
deeply than to not at all.

I want to go through the pain,
I want to be sad,

because on the other side
of that is love and happiness.

I can't believe that.
Oh, thank God.

We have food.

You have to go through
ebbs and flows.

And I know that everything
is a journey out here.

But my identity, like
who I feel at my core,

feels very different.

You know,
very convenient bag.

Keep getting a whiff of fire.

I mean, in fairness,
it's probably me.

But anyway, we're going to eat
some rabbit, so let's do that.

It's really interesting
to see who you become

without having
to put on a mask,

without having
to be around people.

You become who you are,
the essence of your core.

And it's like, are you
becoming a new person

or are you saying hello

to the person you've been
this whole time?

Oh, see, this is
what I'm talking about.

Everything I do
causes blindness.

Even eating.

God, I feel like this steam
is worse than the smoke.

It is getting
pretty warm in here.

I'll tell you that, though.

Smoke, though,
we gotta figure it out.

I am having some regrets

about having a central fire
in my shelter.

The steam was not something
that I predicted.

And what's happening is,
because the roof is so low,

the steam is becoming
a cloud cover for the smoke.

And the smoke
is not able to exit

in the way
that I had planned.

I can't even eat this
'cause of the [bleep] steam!

Ugh!

It's getting in my [bleep] eyes
and my eyes are burning.

Ow.

This is so much steam.

I can't see.

Wow.

I gotta figure out
a solution to this fire.

It's cold, man.

And I don't know
how cold it is,

but...

These bunnies are frozen.

Can't even peel
her [bleep] legs.

That guy's legs
just snapped off.

Weather's gotten chilly.

Some mornings I'm like,
oh, it feels like minus 10,

but then it's like

I'm getting frost
on my beard really quick.

I'm like, this isn't normal
for minus 5 to 10,

so maybe it's 10 to 20.

Holy [bleep].

But my hands and my toes
can bug me.

My hands are really bad.

Not fun doing
these guys frozen.

But if I have a fire, I can
do whatever I need to do.

And then I just go to
the fire and warm up.

That's three bunnies.

As long as I have fire,
I'm fine.

And I'll get this guy cooked.

Hopefully it lights,
'cause I'm frozen.

Put the ferro rod away.

I haven't had a fire
in the shelter yet.

We're not burning
our sleeping bag.

We're not getting
smoke asphyxiation.

We just gotta play
the smart game.

Getting to the point wherever
only the strong will be here.

It's getting chilly.

I think we ought to try to
get him because it's fish bait.

I don't need to eat him, but
I know the fish like squirrel.

I'm definitely desperate
to get something fatty.

Can't just be eating rabbits.

[bleep].

[bleep].

Oh, my God.

He's sure--
holy [bleep].

Oh, no.

Oh, [bleep].
Oh, no.

[bleep].

That is not good.

These are the mistakes
you don't make, guys.

And I'm making 'em.

I cannot believe
I just did that.

What a dumb [bleep] idiot.

Guess this will just
be my fire-tending glove.

Got the other gloves.

I just got to be
super smart with them

'cause they're rubber.

This could be over in two days
or a month and a half.

We don't know,
so we gotta play smart.

No hovering over the fire.

No doing stupid sh--
stuff like that.

Putting on winter bibs,
keeping the winter jacket on.

I don't need to get sick.

[bleep].

Seems as I get deeper
into this competition

and the weather
gets colder and nastier,

my mental and
emotional stability

has been going up and down.

I'm having more frequently
bad days.

I think I might have
a fire tonight.

Doing like
the next hour just so

if it doesn't work out
that good,

we can open the door,

fix what we have to.

I don't want
to build a fire inside

because I don't want the
possibility of sheltered fire.

But I'm coming to
the realization

the weather is garbage.

My hands are freezing.
My feet are cold.

This is the only thing
I can do.

Just a little fire
to take the chill away.

Trying to be happy, positive.

And we need to turn
a bad situation into a win.

What's going on, guys?

Um, got the fireplace working.

There's a little bit
of precipitation

that I don't like in here.

You can see my breath and stuff
'cause of the cold air higher.

Lower air is hot.

But it's working.

So it's just
a waiting game now

until Melissa comes
and gets me.

This moisture is insane, though.

I don't like that.

A lot of it is the mud.

So once that dries out,
man, I'm telling you,

I think I got it.

I just have to clean the camera
every 30 seconds.

There's like a film
on my sleeping bag, even.

But, yeah, it's too hard
to film right now.

Have a good night.

Things are getting
very difficult now

with this chimney.
Oh, man.

And if you look down the base,

it's not completely dry
at some part.

So where I want to put clay?

So one, it's here.

Then it's--

yeah, I realized, I mean, here
is where I burned my gloves.

Another place where
I want to put more clay,

see, this part dried faster
than this part.

And here is one huge crack.

And I want to make this thicker

just to avoid any breaking
I'm getting there.

So I mean, I think that
when I have these doors

and extra insulation,
I will be fine.

But for now with this moisture,
I have to keep the fire going

at least for
a couple of days now.

First thing
I really need to do

is doors and insulation
are needed.

Then clay work these
final small cracks

that no smoke gets out
and stuff like that.

OK, I think
it's time for doors.

Hey, birdy.

I feel that
I'm in quite good position

even for winning
this competition.

Quite cool.

If I want to keep on going,

I have to eat a lot,
and very caloric food.

And also a lot of projects
because each day,

the time of sunlight is
getting shorter and shorter,

and it will disappear
at some point.

Well, I think
that's good enough.

Especially towards the end,

it might become more
mental game than hunger game.

I will now try
to fill as much

of these doors with moss

as much as possible.

So this is why
it's very important

to keep your mind occupied
with projects.

Man, this shelter
is becoming so cozy.

It's also fun to do them.

And there are many
never-ending projects

like shelter.

The doors are filled with moss.

Let's check it out.
Check it out.

So that's it.
Doors are done.

OK, chimney.
I have to fill this with clay.

Holy crap.

Holy, holy, holy, holy crap.

OK, very quick,
fixing with clay.

No.

Damn it.

OK. [bleep].
[bleep], [bleep].

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

OK.
That's very bad now.

What I was afraid
actually happened.

Yeah, I shouldn't
have done it this way.

I knew from the beginning,
but--

OK.

Time to think what to do.

So one option would be--

and probably the best one,
to cut this straight

and cut this straight
and put one on each other.

So then I can
just join them together.

And it would
give stability

just by standing
one on each other.

OK, [bleep].
That's not a good day.

I definitely feel overwhelmed.

I have to find a solution
quite quick.

First, I'm going
to cut the chimney

so the lower part doesn't have
a slope, but it's straight.

OK.

I never thought
about chimney might break

or stuff like that.

But now I really
have to be prepared.

OK, now it's horizontal,

but I'm really afraid that
I will break more than needed.

So in the morning,
I had fire and chimney.

Now I don't have fire
nor chimney.

OK.

Here is the plan.

I will cut also this one
approximately straight.

Ah, [bleep].

And I don't have fire.

So it's a--

it is a challenging day.

That's going to be
the final hole.

I just can't get out of
this loop of chimney repairing.

Seems like
a never-ending story.

Yeah, damn it.

Check this out.

Solid ice.

Last night was super cold,

as cold as we've had
by a long way.

So this is going to
need thawing out.

It's really starting
to get cold now.

In the night,
I can hear strange sounds

as the ice forms on the river.

It's like a creaking sound.
It's quite eerie.

First of all,
let's check the snares,

see if there's
anything in those.

So I'm heading into
a difficult period where

I'm probably days away
from being able

to walk on the ice
and ice fish,

so I'm likely to have to rely
on whatever I can get on land,

so that's most likely
things like varying hare.

I don't want to spend
too much time out today

if I can avoid it.

This is a whole different
world from what I'm used to.

I'm seriously going
to need to keep myself

wrapped up as much as I can.

Wales is
a very temperate climate.

It very rarely gets below zero
and we hardly ever get snow.

I've traveled.

I've spent a lot of time
in Sweden, Norway, and Canada,

but I've never been
this far north.

It's surreal, really.

There's not much new sign.

Looks pretty quiet.

Oh, no.

I spoke too soon.

Got a varying hare.

Wow, wow, wow.

I would love to have
more things to eat,

but the hares keep coming

and I'm going to keep
eating the hares.

And I'm very grateful
for them.

And I've just
spotted something.

I've got another hare
caught in a trap.

OK.

Believe me, I take absolutely
no pleasure from that.

I've got another hare.

Amazing.
Absolutely amazing.

Wow.
What a morning.

One hare.

Two hares.
Boom.

We can keep doing this until--
well, until the hares run out.

And I'm very acutely aware
of rabbit starvation.

But since it's
the only food I have,

I'm just having
to do what I can,

which means eating the brains,
which are fatty,

kidneys and liver,
and hoping that

I'm getting enough nutrients
to compensate for the fact

that I'm eating a lot
of very, very lean meat.

Whoa.
Right.

I need to get this fire going
and keep it going.

So I'm going to have some offal

and a little bit
of the meat today.

And then tomorrow,
I'll have another half of one.

And that's going good.
Oh.

Ah, [bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep], [bleep].

[bleep].

Ah, [bleep] cramp.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I keep getting it now.

It's a--a symptom of--

Salt deprivation, I think.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, man.
Oh.

I keep getting it
in my feet and my legs.

I can stretch it out.

If I stay in one position
for more than a few minutes,

it kicks in.

Really hoping to keep
the cramp at bay tonight,

so I'm going to do
my stretches now.

It's definitely something

that seems to be happening
more now.

And I'm pretty sure that's
down to a isotonic imbalance.

So if these cramps
keep getting worse,

that's going to be
another headache.

Oh, right.

Oh, man.
Feel a bit better for that.

Hopefully, that'll stop
the cramp kicking in tonight.

Oh, all right.
OK.

I'm just taking each day
as it comes at the moment.

It does worry me that

my body's not performing
the way I want it to.

So I'm just going
to take it easy today,

try and eat something,
keeping myself hydrated.

So I've got my spruce tea,

so that's always a good step
in the right direction.

And I'm going to be eating
those brains,

eyeballs, you name it.

The kidneys,
they are the only thing that

has any kind of salty flavor.

And I don't know if they do
contain much salt,

but they definitely
taste like they do.

So they're, uh, they're
definitely worth seeking out.

So hopefully, I'll--
I won't get any cramp tonight.

We shall see.

Holy, I just, uh,

went to go take a pee,
and then my stomach is like--

I don't know.

Maybe the bunny
I ate yesterday was

a little bit raw or something
or I don't know,

my stomach didn't agree
with it.

But holy,

it's one of those
get your pants off

as fast as you can moments.

Feet feel like they're
going to freeze off.

It's that damn fire.

Last night, I had a fire, and
things didn't go very good.

Zero, zero, and zero.

That's not a good start.

I don't like the design
of my shelter.

It's not keeping warm.

I've kind of made
a couple critical errors.

Man, I don't know what to do.

When I built the chimney, I
obviously built it too small.

I made it about 8 inches.

And then when
I put the mud in,

it obviously choked it
too much.

Get rid of it.

So I needed to make
the chimney, say, 12 inches,

which would have gave me
an 8-inch hole,

which would have ventilated
the fire with the smoke.

There's a hole in the side.

I'm going to have to
do some patch work.

I think I'll sleep
with my boot liners

in the sleeping bag.

We're getting past
that threshold now where

I need to warm my body up
and then keep it warm.

I just got to play
the smart game.

The first 30 to 40 days,
I felt unstoppable.

But now that it's getting
colder, it's getting longer,

I'm starting
to see some cracks.

So you want to be on "Alone,"
do you?

Do you want your feet
to damn near feel like

they're going to fall off?

Hike miles and miles and miles?

Starve, have no fat
in your diet?

Don't talk to a human
in freaking weeks?

Well, then
you're the right person.

'Cause this is
what we do out here.

All that hiking for nothing.
Produced diddly squat.

Think I'm coming down
with something too,

like a stomach bug or--

I don't know, man.

[bleep].

Oh, I gotta be more careful
on those transitions.

Damn.

Oh, my mind wants
to go home today, boys.

The demons are battling.

Out here, I feel my emotions
cannot be distracted.

I can't turn on the TV.
I can't play on my phone.

Pretty, uh, crazy how
I can go from, like,

mentally rock solid,
emotionally rock solid.

And then, like, I would have
paid a lot of money

for a couple
phone calls today.

Been nice to talk to Melissa.
Yeah.

Man, I miss her so much.
I understand it now.

I can see why people tap now.

It's like you want to just
hear their voice so bad.

But it's like, yeah,
I can do that so quickly,

but I got to trade my dreams,

my aspirations.

So easy sitting on the couch
watching this

being like, oh, man,
just suck it up.

I was that guy.

We need to suffer, though.

This is part of it, man.

It's all sunshine and roses
the first month.

Second month gets a bit,
OK, now we're into it.

And I have issues
that I need to resolve.

Here's a little bit
of a bombshell.

Me and Melissa, we've been
separated for two years.

I didn't tell anybody
in the cast or the production.

I didn't want it to look like
I had any chinks in my armor.

We're pretty much
kinda getting back together.

But it's just we don't know.

It's, uh it's weird how it--

this game plays
on your emotions.

Let's see if we can rebound,

battle through it,
and come back.

We're going to have a talk
with ourself tonight,

reel it back in, lock in,
and find our groove again.

What?

Feel like
I'm back at the clubs.

No, I never did that.

OK, that's not true.
I did. I did.

It actually is,
believe it or not,

slightly less smoky
than yesterday.

So what I've done is I've
opened the bullboat further.

I mean, I've opened up the
bullboat pretty significantly

to make that smoke escape
a bit better.

I mean, I can breathe.

It's not as clear as it
should be, but I can breathe.

Definitely some steam.

And some condensation.

But overall, it's actually
not as bad as it has been,

so that's good.

I don't want to jinx it,
but it's good.

Well, we're gonna
eat this rabbit.

You know,
I really worry sometimes

about how I'm going
to be portrayed.

You know, my full-time job is

I own my own company where
I teach people skills.

But this is a whole
other arena, what I'm doing.

You know?

Oh, that's never fun
getting in and out of that.

I teach survival.

You know, I teach
emergency preparedness.

I teach how to get out
of sticky situations.

This is wilderness living.

This is different.
This takes guts.

Today, I'm going
to pluck some spruce boughs

to use for ice fishing.

OK.

The spruce boughs,

we're actually going
to go into the hole

which we create when
we break through the ice,

drop the line in.

So the boughs
will be essentially

a block for the ice
to freeze solid

and that each morning,
I could break the ice

with ease to check the lines.

I was very warm last night.

So that gave me a lot of hope.

That can push me through
the next three weeks

despite the fact that

I'm pretty sure
I cooked my eyeballs.

I'm starting to notice
that my eyes are becoming

way more sensitive
to the steam and smoke.

The recovery time
from the steam exposure

is getting longer.

My eyes--

I wouldn't say they hurt.
They're just really irritated.

You know,
I have a lot on the line.

I travel across the country
teaching people skills.

And here I am,
struggling with smoke.

The skills part is easy.

But even then,
I've made some mistakes.

Oh, no.

Ugh.

I could have chose
an easier shelter to build.

But you know, I didn't
come here to play it safe.

It's definitely a gamble

because I know that
there is a possibility

for people to judge
my performance highly.

There's this pressure
from my peers

and my audience to do well.

But it's well on their terms.

And that's what's
a little frustrating

because I get to determine
what doing well means.

People are going to think
whatever they want to think.

I'm really doing this for me.

And if anybody wants to go out
and judge my experience,

you can go get off the couch

and apply to the show
next year and prove me wrong.

Yeah, I feel like
it's time to get warm.

Let's go down and check
the gill net and the weir.

Bit of a later start today,
but on Nero time.

So start whenever I want.

I've been thinking about my
relationship with my dad

growing up, and just not
a lot of time spent together.

He was just working
a lot of the time.

And we'd go through
little bits and pieces,

the stereotypical playing ball

or, you know, camping
or hikes or whatever it is.

The one thing that he always
went back to was fishing.

Yeah, buddy.

The cold temperatures
have brought

another coney into the mix.

Yes.

Coney time.

Coney time.
Yes.

It's not guaranteed yet, though.

Gotta get it on shore.

Oh, it's a good-sized one, too.

All right, come on.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Now a good, good size inconnu.

Yes.

Gill net has been working,
but you know,

I don't just sit back
and do nothing.

It's about still just
trying different means.

And not only is it
calories coming in,

but it's the variety that's
going to prolong my time here.

I'm gonna put you back in
the water just for time being.

All my life, I've been looking
for external validation

because I haven't had
the confidence in who I am.

Oh, let's get you scaled
straight up.

And it's always looking
for something external,

somebody else
to give me reassurance

about who I am
and whether I'm loved

or worthy of love
and people's attention.

Oh, this guy's pretty tough
on the scales.

I felt like just being me
was never enough

because from
my experience growing up,

it was never enough
to get the love

and attention that I wanted.

Some of this
straight in the pot.

So I feel like I just
needed to push and do more

and be more to try
and get what I thought

was missing and what everybody
else seemed to have.

Oh yeah,
it's a good first meal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK, let's get these
gill nets sorted out.

And now, I've come to a place
where I have that,

that inner resolve
and that inner clarity

in knowing not only who I am
but knowing that I am loved

and that I am special
and worthy.

Thank you, Mr. Inconnu,

for not messing up
my gill net too bad.

Last few pike have
been pretty violent.

And damn, that placement's
pretty damn good too.

Because of this experience,

for the first time
in my life,

I know and love myself
regardless of anything else.

Oh, [bleep].

Oh, [bleep].

[bleep], [bleep], [bleep],
[bleep], [bleep].

Not good.

Not good.

Wrong step.
Wrong step.

Wrong step.

Gotta get back,
get some firewood in,

and get back and get dry.

Dry, dry, dry.

That sucked.

That was above-the-knee
submersion.

Then I put my left hand out.

Water went all into
my left mitt as well.

I've got a fresh change
of thermals.

My pot's full of food.

So I can essentially
just bunker down now

and just dry out all my stuff.

So in that regards,
really thankful.

That was a good reminder
I should be smarter

and I should clear that
and make sure

that's all very,
very accurate

with where to actually step.

Could have been worse.

Let's get yous dry.

It's not
a straightforward decision

to choose to come on "Alone."

That's really good.

Really, really good.

There's a lot of risks,

not necessarily to do
with the environment,

all of that, absolutely
is something to consider.

But you're also
putting yourself out there

to be seen, to be judged,

and there's a lot of things
that are outside your control

that can really impact
and dictate your journey

and how your experience
is going to be.

Oh, that's good.
Yeah.

And to do that publicly is--
yeah, it's scary.

That's really nice as well.

There's things that
you kind of have in mind

how you'd like
your experience to be

and the story that
you'd like to share.

But life doesn't play out
that way.

Life just happens
the way it happens.

And you just need to adjust

and accept
that you're vulnerable.

Like, it was never
my intention to come out here

and work on my relationship
with my dad.

I was lying in
my sleeping bag.

And--

I--

I thought about my dad.

And...

Internally,
I've been very critical of him.

And resentful because...

You know, for me, as a child,

you know, I just wish
that he was around more.

And spent more time with him.

But he just worked a lot.

Just like--

Just spent so much time,
sacrificed so much of his time

and his life working.

To look after us
and to provide for us.

He'd do anything for us.

He still would
do anything for me.

He would.

If I needed help...

And asked,
at the drop of a hat,

he would come and do it.

He's given so much to support.

And do what
he thought was right.

And here I've been
just resentful.

Holding a grudge.

And he did exactly
what I'd do for my son.

I'd do anything for him.

I'd go through that for him.

And have I ever really,
truly said thank you?

And shown my gratitude
to my dad?

Thank you, Dad.

I love you.

And you know,
the thing is...

I came out here

to learn and grow,

to become a better father
for my son.

I didn't realize

what else I needed to do
is come out here to become

a better son for my own dad.

You deserve more.

You deserve a better son.

When I get back, I want to
spend more time with my dad.

Cramp started again.

Oh, God.

Good morning.

Wow, it was a wild one
last night.

It's still a bit wild now.

It's, uh,
it's been pretty windy.

And the floor of my shelter

is covered with spindrift snow

which has just blown in
through the chimney.

However, my bed is
completely snow-free,

so that makes me
a very happy bunny.

Um, right, OK, so this
is the view this morning.

There's a fair amount
of extra snow overnight.

Right, let's have a quick check
of the local snares.

Temperature's
dropping quite a lot,

so that seems to indicate
that the snow

may be over for a while.

And as tough as it is
to have low temperatures...

I'm finding the snow
is more difficult to manage.

It sort of covers up
all the tracks.

No fox tracks, no--
no anything.

This is--
it's a worry, really,

because if there's no game,
there's no food.

Wow, the snow is deep here.
Look at this.

And I'm wearing these bibs.

I'm going to need them.

This is going to be
slow going today.

It's my first snare here.
There's nothing in that.

Let's move that around
a little bit.

I've had a pretty good run.
I've had quite a few hares.

But the weather became
a lot more unsettled.

The winds can be
pretty strong,

and that causes snow drifts.

There's a run through here
as well.

I mean, some of the snares
have been completely buried.

Nothing in that one.

I'll move that one up a bit.

Those that aren't
completely covered

are moved out of position.

And as a result,
my ability to catch hares

has diminished
quite significantly.

So it's getting tough,
definitely getting tough.

Every step is just
brutal punishment.

And there's got to be an
easier way of getting hares.

Or any kind of food,
for that matter.

So I shall go back.

I've found myself
in a position where

I'm not having
any success fishing.

The foraging is not happening

because there's
too much snow out.

All the berries are covered.

And my one source of food,

suddenly now,
I can't catch them.

I can't honestly see this
going on another month or more.

Just not much prospect of
getting any more food, really.

This is definitely
one of the toughest parts.

You know,
I've had a few periods

of starvation before now
in the early stages.

But at this stage,
it's far more serious

because I just have
no body weight to spare.

So a gap in my ability
to actually trap hares

suddenly has become
a pretty serious threat

to my ability to function.

I hate returning home
empty-handed.

Oof, wow.

You would not believe
how hard everything becomes

when you are
in a calorie deficit.

Oh, my God.

Wow, and what a mess.
Look at me. God.

Nature and the outdoors
is an unforgiving place.

And today was one of those days

that reminds you of
how unforgiving it can be

and how poorly
my body is performing

under the circumstances.

There's a little piece
of me that just

wants to push that button.

And I can just sit back,
sip a cup of coffee,

and I won't have to worry
about the struggle anymore.

There's a lot
of people out here

that perform
at a very high level

within the world of
bushcraft and survival skills.

But this is a massive,
massive challenge

regardless of how skilled
or experienced you are.

Real hardship,
real starvation.

And it's painful.

That's enough
of monkey business.

I think as a younger man,

I wouldn't have been able
to tolerate the discomfort

in the same way
that I can now.

I can't stand it.

The knocks that life
tends to throw at you...

Have an amazing ability
to make you very resilient.

It's a fight.

Every day now is
becoming a fight.

Every day is getting harder.
Every day is getting colder.

Every day,
we're getting skinnier.

How long I can continue for
is up for question.

As tough as it is,

the more of that school
of hard knocks that you get,

the more resilient you become.

And that's the reality
of the world we're in.

What's up?

Today, I was going to
go work on a trap line.

But with the snow,

that doesn't really
make a lot of sense.

However, the gill net
needs to be repaired.

Ah, [bleep].

And the good thing is is that
we don't actually have to make

a full net because we're
just repairing some things.

But I think if I had to guess,
about 4 feet should be plenty.

4 feet is still
a lot to net-make.

The good thing is that
we've got nothing but time.

I've been having a lot of
really extreme emotions here

about failure
and image and ego.

Maybe it's a good thing.

Maybe I'm having an ego death.

Even if I just do this
for me and my personal goals,

it's really easy to say I can
be happy with what I've done.

Well, it looks like I'm going
to be doing this for a while.

Is that right?

But then I think about
the countless young women

who feel that they can't do
incredible things...

Great.
So, yeah, now I can't see.

[bleep].

Who feel that somebody else

wrote the script
to their life.

My story can show them
that, yeah,

you can change your narrative.

My journey has changed my life

from one of resistance
to reward.

From reaching to releasing,

and the confidence
to take back the pen

to writing my own narrative.

I think I burnt my eyes again.

So you can't tell, I want--
[bleep] hot.

Damn it.

It's too painful.
I can't do it.

I can't [bleep]
do this right now.

The smoke is rising and--

I can't [bleep] see!

I don't know what to do.

I have to get
this [bleep] net done.

I don't know what to do.

Here is my

favorite-least-favorite
part of the day.

It's like, I get to be warm.

I get to eat.

But then I have to be tortured
at the same time.

My eyes.
[bleep].

I can't even open them.

It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad.

I'm not really ready for bed,
but I can't see.

So I can't do anything.

Oh, my eyes.

Oh, my God.
My eyes.

I don't know what to do.

I think I really hurt my eyes.

It's been 12 hours.

And I can somewhat
open my right one.

Barely my left.

Um, my left one feels like
there's something in it.

Like it's scratchy or it's cut.

I can't open them for more
than a second or two

without tears
coming to my eyes.

I can't see the screen.

Everything's really blurry.

We do have a syringe
in our med kit.

And I was thinking about
how I could use that

maybe to flush my eyes out.

But I can't safely
disinfect water right now.

I'd have to build a fire.

I didn't foresee this
in any way.

As someone who is a
professional in this field,

I am embarrassed,
but things happen.

I can't lay here

all day trying to get warm

and be blind in
an environment like this.

I can't.
It's not safe.

It's not smart.
And...

There's nothing more I can do.

This is Jacks,

and I am officially
tapping out.

I put some snow in this gauze
for inflammation.

Maybe it'll melt,
irrigate my eyes a little bit.

This was not an easy decision
for me to make.

I've always had a problem
with self-care,

and I think that's because
there is a lack of--

there is a little bit of a lack
of love there towards the self.

I know that by leaving here
is protecting myself.

That is self-care, and it's
the greatest act of self-love.

I became much more vulnerable,

but much more authentic
out here.

And in return, I actually think
I became stronger,

way more connected
to land and spirit,

courageous.

I've never felt more alive...

In my entire life than I have
in the past two months.

I never thought
I could feel that.

This is the first time
in my life where

I've chosen me

before anything else, really.

This is the first time
in my life that I chose

to love my most authentic self

over the armor that I wear.

This is a side of me that I
normally don't let people see.

My truth is out there.

Who I really am is out there.

And now, I'm free.

I don't need
that armor anymore.

This experience has given me
the best gift possible.

And that is that I can
fully be that person now.

I get to leave here

leaning into that person,

and I get to love
that person now.

Being here was an opportunity
of a lifetime.

But this?

You know, this is forever.

Unless ice fishing
starts to produce,

things are not looking good
for me.

I've had an idea

that will allow "Hiraeth"
the coracle to rise again.

Holy crap. What the heck is
happening with the shelter?

[bleep].

My family photo.

Not having my family,
the love, the attention,

the affection, that's what
slowly wears you down.