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1
00:00:12,270 --> 00:00:15,206
I think the lesson lil Eric learned
today is that a role model
2
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:20,047
in the hands beats
two in prison. Huh?
3
00:00:20,081 --> 00:00:23,218
Fine. You made a hopscotch
drawing on the pavement,
4
00:00:23,252 --> 00:00:26,657
but it's just gonna be washed
away by the rain anyway, so...
5
00:00:27,659 --> 00:00:29,227
It's all clear.
6
00:00:31,498 --> 00:00:32,732
Do you need some help?
7
00:00:47,956 --> 00:00:51,426
Hey,
look what happened.
8
00:00:51,460 --> 00:00:54,531
You were flipping the channels
or maybe you left your tv on
9
00:00:54,565 --> 00:00:55,999
and, well, what do you know?
Here you are.
10
00:00:56,033 --> 00:01:00,707
Right here at the beginning of
another funny or die presents.
11
00:01:00,741 --> 00:01:03,544
Hey, as long as you're here,
why don't you give it a try?
12
00:01:03,578 --> 00:01:05,313
It's always been my attitude.
13
00:01:05,348 --> 00:01:08,217
Whether it's food
or travel or women,
14
00:01:08,251 --> 00:01:10,287
heck, just give it a try.
15
00:01:10,321 --> 00:01:12,523
Sure, you can get food
poisoning or robbed
16
00:01:12,558 --> 00:01:14,126
or maybe a venereal disease,
17
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,396
but at least you tried, right?
18
00:01:16,430 --> 00:01:17,832
What's the worst
that can happen here?
19
00:01:17,866 --> 00:01:20,802
You waste a few minutes
of your life?
20
00:01:20,837 --> 00:01:24,475
Come on. How much time do you spend
sitting on the shitter every day?
21
00:01:24,509 --> 00:01:26,311
Really.
22
00:01:26,345 --> 00:01:27,479
You're welcome.
23
00:01:54,586 --> 00:01:57,122
Tonight on
the funny or die network...
24
00:01:57,157 --> 00:01:59,859
Tijuana Jackson,
25
00:01:59,894 --> 00:02:06,402
death hunt part two, with rob
huebel, rob riggle and Paul sheer.
26
00:02:06,437 --> 00:02:08,672
Also, brick novax's diary.
27
00:02:09,708 --> 00:02:12,378
And welcome to my study.
28
00:02:25,331 --> 00:02:27,200
Gotta see my probation
officer in a few hours
29
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:28,902
so I told my nephew
30
00:02:28,937 --> 00:02:31,506
to get out of school early so I could
celebrate his birthday with him.
31
00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:34,644
You know, I'm just like on this life
coaching kick, man. I've been trying...
32
00:02:34,679 --> 00:02:37,148
God damn!
Can I Twitter that shitter?
33
00:02:39,919 --> 00:02:41,721
God damn.
34
00:02:41,789 --> 00:02:43,090
Man.
35
00:02:43,125 --> 00:02:46,027
It's like I'm on this
life coaching kick, man.
36
00:02:46,062 --> 00:02:49,766
Trying to be a positive role
model for this motherfucker.
37
00:02:49,801 --> 00:02:50,968
Here he come.
38
00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:53,371
Come on, man!
39
00:02:54,574 --> 00:02:55,842
Nigger, if you get
in the front,
40
00:02:55,877 --> 00:02:58,212
how the fuck the camera
gonna see what I'm sayin'?
41
00:02:58,247 --> 00:02:59,380
No sense.
42
00:03:03,754 --> 00:03:04,855
You wanna drive?
43
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:05,956
No.
44
00:03:05,991 --> 00:03:07,993
You sure?
Yeah.
45
00:03:09,029 --> 00:03:10,096
Who is this for?
46
00:03:10,130 --> 00:03:11,231
Open it and see.
47
00:03:14,470 --> 00:03:15,804
Like it?
48
00:03:15,839 --> 00:03:17,841
Yeah.
All right. All right.
49
00:03:17,875 --> 00:03:19,777
I need you to do something
for me later, okay?
50
00:03:19,845 --> 00:03:21,345
All right.
51
00:03:21,380 --> 00:03:24,484
Look, man, if things go like
I think they gonna go,
52
00:03:24,518 --> 00:03:26,086
I'm gonna need me,
like, an assistant,
53
00:03:26,121 --> 00:03:27,454
you know what I'm sayin'?
54
00:03:27,489 --> 00:03:29,391
If you get your grades right,
keep your head together,
55
00:03:29,425 --> 00:03:31,027
there might be a little
situation where I can
56
00:03:31,061 --> 00:03:32,796
probably give you
some employment.
57
00:03:32,830 --> 00:03:35,200
'Cause I'm planning to really
stack up my clientele.
58
00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:37,403
Hey, put on your
seatbelt. Police.
59
00:03:38,471 --> 00:03:39,906
I don't have a seatbelt.
60
00:03:39,941 --> 00:03:43,912
Okay, well, just sit safe.
61
00:03:43,947 --> 00:03:48,319
God damn, man. People just
littering in the street and shit.
62
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:50,055
Hey, Eric,
clean this cup for me.
63
00:03:50,089 --> 00:03:51,857
Not now.
What do you mean "not now"?
64
00:03:51,892 --> 00:03:53,660
I have to go.
Nigger, what you...
65
00:03:53,695 --> 00:03:55,362
Drink some fucking shasta.
66
00:03:55,396 --> 00:03:57,665
Hey, hey, you gonna take
your numchucks in the house?
67
00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:58,801
No.
68
00:04:00,071 --> 00:04:01,271
Hey, big Eric.
69
00:04:02,608 --> 00:04:04,876
Why you all dressed up?
70
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,713
Hey, I need to talk
to you for a second, t.J.
71
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,350
Okay, if that's the people
from russianbrides.Com,
72
00:04:09,384 --> 00:04:11,786
it's not my credit card.
Okay.
73
00:04:18,397 --> 00:04:20,866
You know what?
I need you to take lil Eric away.
74
00:04:20,900 --> 00:04:22,802
Not a problem. Not a problem.
All right, thank you so much.
75
00:04:22,837 --> 00:04:25,473
You know what? I'm gonna need
about $20 from you, though.
76
00:04:26,676 --> 00:04:27,944
Don't take him
to the racetrack.
77
00:04:27,978 --> 00:04:29,679
Don't take him
to the strip club.
78
00:04:29,713 --> 00:04:33,051
Basically, my sister
married a fucking idiot, okay?
79
00:04:33,085 --> 00:04:36,523
It's up to me to be the positive role
model for this little motherfucker,
80
00:04:36,557 --> 00:04:38,225
'cause if I ain't, okay,
81
00:04:38,259 --> 00:04:40,696
well, he can end up, you know what
I'm sayin', some kind of delinquent,
82
00:04:40,730 --> 00:04:42,598
little stupid-ass,
knuckle-head...
83
00:04:43,868 --> 00:04:45,036
You ready?
Yeah.
84
00:04:46,772 --> 00:04:48,607
I'm gonna take this cup.
85
00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:51,545
I'm gonna take this cup
with me in case I get thirsty.
86
00:04:51,579 --> 00:04:54,516
Let's just go.
87
00:04:54,550 --> 00:04:57,586
You keep rolling your eyes I'm gonna slap
you in the back of your fuckin' head.
88
00:05:03,563 --> 00:05:04,798
I bet you,
if you jump the fence,
89
00:05:04,832 --> 00:05:06,767
one of them motherfuckers
will start up.
90
00:05:08,236 --> 00:05:09,671
Where's my dad?
91
00:05:09,706 --> 00:05:12,008
Who the fuck you talkin' to?
92
00:05:12,042 --> 00:05:15,680
Tone, boy.
I done told you about that tone.
93
00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:17,383
Where you going?
To the bathroom.
94
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,453
Take this cup with you.
No.
95
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:23,157
Hey. Cut the cameras.
Lil Eric. Hey, lil Eric.
96
00:05:23,192 --> 00:05:25,562
Lil Eric, hey, please.
Eric, please.
97
00:05:25,596 --> 00:05:28,799
Okay, hold up. M gonna tell
your mama you're having sex.
98
00:05:30,603 --> 00:05:31,938
That's right.
With who?
99
00:05:31,972 --> 00:05:33,606
Uh-huh. When we was
in Walmart
100
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,144
and we bet that miley Cyrus had
more ass that Hannah Montana
101
00:05:36,178 --> 00:05:37,379
and we shook on it.
102
00:05:37,413 --> 00:05:40,049
Later, when I smelled my hand,
I smelled vagina.
103
00:05:40,083 --> 00:05:41,551
That's right.
104
00:05:41,586 --> 00:05:45,791
Eric, okay. Lil Eric,
okay, okay, okay, look.
105
00:05:47,395 --> 00:05:49,363
Your daddy ain't gonna make it
to your birthday celebration
106
00:05:49,398 --> 00:05:50,931
'cause the nigger
got arrested, okay?
107
00:05:50,966 --> 00:05:52,300
For what?
108
00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:56,306
Selling dogs.
Nigger was downtown selling dogs.
109
00:05:56,341 --> 00:05:58,977
I want a dog for my birthday.
What kind?
110
00:05:59,011 --> 00:06:01,147
Dogs, Eric.
German Shepherds, mutts, chihuahuas.
111
00:06:01,181 --> 00:06:03,417
It didn't matter.
The nigger was sellin' dogs.
112
00:06:03,451 --> 00:06:04,652
Who was he sellin' 'em to?
113
00:06:04,686 --> 00:06:06,455
Who the fuck do you think
he was sellin' the dogs to?
114
00:06:06,489 --> 00:06:08,258
He was sellin' them dogs
to them goddamn Koreans.
115
00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:10,226
That's how they make that...
116
00:06:10,261 --> 00:06:12,998
I told him about
that shit. Okay?
117
00:06:15,002 --> 00:06:18,071
Man, don't go get all
emotional on me, okay?
118
00:06:18,106 --> 00:06:21,310
I wasn't gonna say shit
qnd you got all caruso on me.
119
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:31,826
Hey!
120
00:06:33,428 --> 00:06:34,963
Happy Birthday, little nigger.
121
00:06:35,999 --> 00:06:37,133
I mean it.
122
00:06:43,877 --> 00:06:46,914
Good kid. That's why
I'm tough on him.
123
00:06:54,626 --> 00:06:57,162
I think the lesson
that we learned today...
124
00:06:57,196 --> 00:07:00,000
Okay, wait. Hold on. Okay.
125
00:07:00,034 --> 00:07:01,669
I think the lesson that
lil Eric learned today
126
00:07:01,704 --> 00:07:04,340
is that a role model
in the hand
127
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:09,046
beats two in prison. Huh?
128
00:07:09,081 --> 00:07:11,750
Go wait for me in the car.
I'm gonna go see my probation officer.
129
00:07:16,659 --> 00:07:20,998
No drinks inside.
Either drink it here or throw it out.
130
00:07:21,032 --> 00:07:24,435
Oh. Can my little nephew
come inside with me?
131
00:07:24,470 --> 00:07:25,738
Hey, hey, lil Eric.
132
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:52,376
And now, presenting the
world premiere of the motion picture
133
00:07:52,411 --> 00:07:55,715
produced especially
for funny or die.
134
00:07:55,749 --> 00:07:59,988
Movie of the week.
Tonight's movie, death hunt.
135
00:08:03,595 --> 00:08:06,197
This is the one time of year
we get to see each other.
136
00:08:06,231 --> 00:08:09,501
Flew everybody in just to
relax and kill some animals.
137
00:08:09,536 --> 00:08:11,338
Go, go, go, gervin.
138
00:08:11,372 --> 00:08:14,610
Did you just slip your company's
slogan into casual conversation?
139
00:08:14,644 --> 00:08:16,078
Holy shit!
140
00:08:17,214 --> 00:08:18,582
Someone's shooti.G at us!
141
00:08:18,617 --> 00:08:19,817
Fire!
142
00:08:22,054 --> 00:08:23,289
How are we missing?
143
00:08:23,323 --> 00:08:24,490
Human scopes never miss.
144
00:08:25,994 --> 00:08:27,862
Just kill me and
save yourselves.
145
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:31,968
That's good.
146
00:08:38,612 --> 00:08:40,481
Okay, here's the plan.
147
00:08:40,515 --> 00:08:42,484
I'm gonna scout ahead, try to find the highway.
You two, stay put.
148
00:08:42,518 --> 00:08:43,952
No, no, no.
149
00:08:43,986 --> 00:08:45,621
I got this gervin GPS.
We can find the highway that way.
150
00:08:45,656 --> 00:08:47,424
No, Lionel, no more
fucking gadgets.
151
00:08:47,458 --> 00:08:49,093
A gadget is a toy!
152
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:50,896
A gervin is a tool.
153
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:52,264
I like that one.
154
00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,536
Fuck that! We need to
follow our instincts.
155
00:08:55,570 --> 00:08:56,737
You two, stay put.
156
00:08:58,374 --> 00:09:00,443
Little does he know,
that gervin's unbreakable.
157
00:09:01,980 --> 00:09:03,113
I killed Terry.
158
00:09:04,283 --> 00:09:05,450
I know.
159
00:09:17,269 --> 00:09:19,071
A bear trap!
160
00:09:19,105 --> 00:09:21,708
Who uses these anymore?
161
00:09:22,644 --> 00:09:24,378
He's in trouble.
Let's go!
162
00:09:24,412 --> 00:09:26,347
And how did I not see this?
163
00:09:26,382 --> 00:09:28,851
It's a huge device!
164
00:09:31,256 --> 00:09:35,194
Hey! Hey! Stop shooting
at me man. It's me.
165
00:09:35,896 --> 00:09:37,397
Wrong guy!
166
00:09:37,431 --> 00:09:39,901
Hey, I'm on your side.
167
00:09:39,936 --> 00:09:41,269
We had a deal.
168
00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:44,374
Is he a part of this?
Holy fucking shit, man.
169
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:46,076
I left two of 'em down here.
170
00:09:46,111 --> 00:09:47,879
They're back in the ravine.
171
00:09:47,913 --> 00:09:49,415
Wait a minute.
172
00:09:49,449 --> 00:09:51,785
Fucking blanks, man.
He set us up.
173
00:09:51,819 --> 00:09:55,157
He set us up?
Fucking set us up?
174
00:09:55,191 --> 00:09:56,926
I didn't even want
to go hunting!
175
00:09:56,961 --> 00:09:58,061
You know what I wanted to do?
176
00:09:58,095 --> 00:10:00,097
I wanted to go
to fucking dollywood
177
00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:03,201
and ride a log through.
What did you want to do?
178
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,906
Take us out to the fucking
woods and get us shot at!
179
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,207
Guess what, Zeus?
180
00:10:07,242 --> 00:10:09,210
You're not the king of
this underworld anymore!
181
00:10:09,245 --> 00:10:11,413
You're just a fish and you're
gonna get eaten by a shark!
182
00:10:11,448 --> 00:10:13,650
A shark with a fucking gun!
183
00:10:13,684 --> 00:10:16,053
Fuck you!
184
00:10:16,923 --> 00:10:18,056
I suck dick!
185
00:10:19,927 --> 00:10:22,296
I've been sucking
dick for years.
186
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,566
Mainly glory holes
down in the village.
187
00:10:27,272 --> 00:10:28,672
I'm gonna find out
what's going on.
188
00:10:28,706 --> 00:10:30,241
Hold my gun.
Yeah, I got it.
189
00:10:32,012 --> 00:10:35,883
Help me! Help me!
190
00:10:35,918 --> 00:10:38,153
Somebody help me!
Oh, God, I'm gonna help you.
191
00:10:38,188 --> 00:10:39,488
But you gotta
tell me the truth.
192
00:10:39,522 --> 00:10:41,024
What are you talking about, Lionel?
193
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:42,159
Oh, fuck you.
194
00:10:42,194 --> 00:10:45,063
Wait, wait, come back.
Come back.
195
00:10:45,097 --> 00:10:48,936
The truth is, yes, I finger-blasted
your sister in the eighth grade.
196
00:10:48,970 --> 00:10:50,271
Samantha?
197
00:10:51,807 --> 00:10:53,475
Oh. Is that not what you
wanted to hear? No!
198
00:10:53,510 --> 00:10:55,045
Why are they shooting
arrows at us
199
00:10:55,079 --> 00:10:56,179
oh, that.
200
00:10:56,214 --> 00:10:58,616
Okay, Lionel.
201
00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:03,257
The truth is, this, I said
it was a European razor.
202
00:11:03,291 --> 00:11:07,530
It's a bookie named
the European razor.
203
00:11:07,564 --> 00:11:09,533
I'm totally bankrupt, buddy.
204
00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:12,770
And some guy said he would
take care of all of my debt
205
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:15,674
if his rich friend could...
206
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:16,877
Could what?
207
00:11:16,911 --> 00:11:19,313
If he could hunt you guys.
208
00:11:20,216 --> 00:11:21,783
Hunt us?
Yes.
209
00:11:21,818 --> 00:11:25,923
But I swear, he was only supposed
to kill one of you, Lionel.
210
00:11:25,957 --> 00:11:29,128
He set me up, too. Don't you see?
He's hunting me now.
211
00:11:29,162 --> 00:11:30,696
Please, you have to help me.
212
00:11:30,731 --> 00:11:32,766
I'm your oldest friend, Lionel.
213
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,736
I'm sorry I made fun of gervin.
214
00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:36,205
I love gervin.
Really?
215
00:11:36,239 --> 00:11:38,475
I got a great gervin slogan.
216
00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:41,012
Go gervin!
217
00:11:41,046 --> 00:11:42,881
So simple.
How about this?
218
00:11:42,916 --> 00:11:44,584
Yeah! Gervin!
219
00:11:44,618 --> 00:11:49,024
It's for best friends,
like me and Lionel.
220
00:11:49,058 --> 00:11:51,560
Lionel, please, you gotta
get me out of this.
221
00:11:51,595 --> 00:11:56,200
Please, Lionel, don't let me
die like a dirty-ass bear.
222
00:11:57,537 --> 00:11:58,705
No!
223
00:12:04,013 --> 00:12:05,715
Good thing I brought
my gervin wrench hammer.
224
00:12:05,749 --> 00:12:06,950
Okay.
You push up, okay?
225
00:12:06,984 --> 00:12:08,585
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, here we go.
226
00:12:08,620 --> 00:12:10,755
Okay, it's loosening. Push.
Now?
227
00:12:10,790 --> 00:12:12,925
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
228
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,228
There we go, we got it.
My leg is loose. We got it.
229
00:12:32,588 --> 00:12:37,595
Well, well, well. If it isn't the
serpent, the messenger of the devil.
230
00:12:38,697 --> 00:12:40,132
Well, I got a message
for the devil.
231
00:12:51,616 --> 00:12:53,718
Clay, I swear
it was an accident.
232
00:12:53,753 --> 00:12:55,087
These things are dangerous.
233
00:12:57,058 --> 00:12:59,293
You know you have a snake
on your head, Clay.
234
00:12:59,328 --> 00:13:02,097
There is nclay,
only the serpent master.
235
00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:07,372
Great catch.
We got to go, buddy.
236
00:13:07,407 --> 00:13:10,676
We gotta move.
We gotta move this way, buddy, this way.
237
00:13:19,223 --> 00:13:21,626
Hey! Hey, there's a cabin.
238
00:13:21,660 --> 00:13:23,495
They probably got a phone.
239
00:13:23,530 --> 00:13:25,598
What? Where?
240
00:13:28,203 --> 00:13:29,371
Clay, freeze!
241
00:13:30,674 --> 00:13:33,277
Bear trap.
How did you not see that?
242
00:13:33,311 --> 00:13:36,514
What's with all the
fucking bear traps, man?
243
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,717
Check it out.
See if anybody's home.
244
00:13:44,794 --> 00:13:46,596
It's all clear.
245
00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:49,600
Hey!
246
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:51,336
Oh, a fucking bear!
247
00:13:51,370 --> 00:13:52,538
Do you need some help?
248
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,411
No!
249
00:13:56,445 --> 00:14:00,216
Clay, stay right here.
I may or may not go get help.
250
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,285
Stay right here, buddy!
251
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,755
I'll be back maybe later on.
252
00:14:07,394 --> 00:14:10,931
I made it. I made it.
I'm safe.
253
00:14:12,835 --> 00:14:15,138
You're not out
of the woods yet.
254
00:14:15,172 --> 00:14:16,306
Wait, wait, wait.
255
00:14:16,341 --> 00:14:19,310
It's over. All my
friends are dead.
256
00:14:19,345 --> 00:14:22,716
Yes, your friends are dead,
but not by my hand.
257
00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:26,087
I paid good money
to kill me some humans.
258
00:14:26,121 --> 00:14:27,322
What about the ranger?
259
00:14:27,357 --> 00:14:28,958
I did kill him, but he
was not your friend.
260
00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:31,929
Oh, that is so little.
That is fucked up.
261
00:14:31,963 --> 00:14:34,132
Who the fuck are you?
262
00:14:48,988 --> 00:14:50,590
Ring a bell?
263
00:14:50,624 --> 00:14:53,127
Actually, no.
Seriously?
264
00:14:53,161 --> 00:14:54,663
What about the hair?
265
00:14:54,697 --> 00:14:56,432
No. That's what I'm saying.
I don't know who you are.
266
00:14:56,466 --> 00:14:58,735
Okay, I'll throw
a date out at ya.
267
00:14:58,770 --> 00:15:00,572
May 27, 2010.
268
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,340
7:16 P.M.
269
00:15:02,374 --> 00:15:04,945
Parking lot.
Twin pines mall.
270
00:15:04,979 --> 00:15:06,413
You stole my spot.
271
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,284
Whatseriously?
Yeah, I'm fucking dead serious!
272
00:15:09,319 --> 00:15:10,919
Serious as childhood obesity.
273
00:15:10,954 --> 00:15:13,089
Okay, yes, childhood
obesity is very serious.
274
00:15:13,123 --> 00:15:16,261
There's five over-sized
parking spaces at that mall.
275
00:15:16,295 --> 00:15:18,130
I got there early.
276
00:15:18,165 --> 00:15:21,235
And you cut me off, ran right into
it with your bullshit pt cruiser!
277
00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:24,506
That's a cool car.
Well, you ruined my life that night!
278
00:15:24,541 --> 00:15:26,076
I was on a girls night.
279
00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:29,380
Do you know how rare that
is when you have kids?
280
00:15:29,414 --> 00:15:31,984
I was gonna go see sex and the
city 2 with my girlfriends!
281
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,655
It was my night to be a Carrie.
282
00:15:34,689 --> 00:15:37,859
I missed the first 10
minutes because of you.
283
00:15:37,893 --> 00:15:42,032
You ruined my sex and
the city 2 virginity!
284
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:45,604
Took it right from my ass.
285
00:15:45,639 --> 00:15:47,874
So I was sitting there
in the theater,
286
00:15:47,908 --> 00:15:53,783
trying to imagine what my Carrie
looked like in those first 10 minutes
287
00:15:53,817 --> 00:15:59,057
and I thought to myself, "okay.
I can kill myself or I can kill you."
288
00:15:59,925 --> 00:16:01,794
Guess what I chose?
289
00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:03,597
So I went outside,
290
00:16:03,631 --> 00:16:06,301
looked at your goddamn car,
took down the license plate,
291
00:16:06,335 --> 00:16:08,237
had it tattooed
292
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:12,543
on my fucking labia so my
husband wouldn't see it.
293
00:16:12,577 --> 00:16:15,715
The next eight months,
I followed you everywhere,
294
00:16:15,749 --> 00:16:18,819
lived under your bed for
two months, ate your food,
295
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:22,658
took shits in your toilet,
left them there.
296
00:16:22,693 --> 00:16:24,995
So get ready.
297
00:16:25,029 --> 00:16:27,699
Say goodbye to your
fucking balls, man.
298
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:30,236
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
299
00:16:32,341 --> 00:16:33,607
Fuck.
300
00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:36,713
Seriously? A dart?
301
00:16:49,966 --> 00:16:52,168
It was me.
302
00:16:52,203 --> 00:16:55,807
Gervin exploding blow dart.
It will blow you away.
303
00:16:57,176 --> 00:17:00,080
Oh, thank God.
Thank gervin.
304
00:17:00,115 --> 00:17:02,884
That's it. That's it.
305
00:17:02,918 --> 00:17:04,152
Write that one down.
306
00:17:05,322 --> 00:17:06,656
What happened to Clay?
307
00:17:06,691 --> 00:17:08,926
Oh, he got killed
by a guy in a bear suit.
308
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:11,196
Oh, that's a bummer.
309
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,531
Yeah.
310
00:18:10,985 --> 00:18:14,890
My name,
brick novax.
311
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,371
I'm known for two things.
312
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:32,182
My many heroic exploits and my legendary
prodigious substance intake.
313
00:18:32,216 --> 00:18:35,419
No with two weeks
left to live,
314
00:18:35,454 --> 00:18:37,923
I've holed up here
in the Clyde motel
315
00:18:37,957 --> 00:18:42,129
to record my memories
and preserve my legacy.
316
00:18:42,163 --> 00:18:43,999
This is my life.
317
00:18:44,033 --> 00:18:47,704
This is brick novax's diary.
318
00:19:08,168 --> 00:19:11,105
Testing one, two, one, two.
319
00:19:11,140 --> 00:19:13,208
Yet other entry in my diary.
320
00:19:13,243 --> 00:19:16,746
I wanna talk about some
time ago when I got married
321
00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,616
and went full on suburban.
322
00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:22,288
Of course, our story starts in a bar.
The blotto grotto.
323
00:19:22,323 --> 00:19:25,961
Hi. I'm Sophia.
I like your mustache.
324
00:19:25,995 --> 00:19:28,097
Thanks. I've had it
since birth.
325
00:19:29,968 --> 00:19:33,004
I couldn't help but give
her the old novax knee-vax.
326
00:19:33,038 --> 00:19:34,773
That's three fingers
on the knee
327
00:19:34,808 --> 00:19:37,444
with one left over as a
viper ready to strike.
328
00:19:37,478 --> 00:19:41,550
She ordered a panther's fang,
which I immediately spilled.
329
00:19:41,584 --> 00:19:43,686
After drinking a record
17 eye-openers,
330
00:19:43,721 --> 00:19:45,956
i uncharacteristically
lost my dinner.
331
00:19:48,895 --> 00:19:50,796
Within an hour
we were married.
332
00:19:50,831 --> 00:19:54,502
We immediately bought a house in the suburbs.
I cleaned up my act
333
00:19:54,536 --> 00:19:56,138
and did all
the suburban things.
334
00:19:56,172 --> 00:19:59,376
I read the newspaper.
I smoked a pipe.
335
00:19:59,410 --> 00:20:01,178
I won a tennis trophy.
336
00:20:01,213 --> 00:20:03,682
I drank watered down
sugary cocktails.
337
00:20:03,716 --> 00:20:05,585
I even got a dog.
338
00:20:05,619 --> 00:20:10,793
Turns out the dog was a wolf, responsible
for the deaths of several people.
339
00:20:10,827 --> 00:20:13,163
I couldn't stay
straight for long.
340
00:20:13,197 --> 00:20:15,066
You're taking all
that garbage again?
341
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,603
Garbage? This shit
costs a fortune.
342
00:20:17,637 --> 00:20:20,306
Well, clean up.
My father will be here any minute.
343
00:20:20,341 --> 00:20:22,376
Her father
was skip Michaels.
344
00:20:22,411 --> 00:20:25,147
The triplet brother
of trip and flip Michaels.
345
00:20:25,181 --> 00:20:28,952
He owned a pre-owned pinto dealership
on the outskirts of town.
346
00:20:28,987 --> 00:20:34,061
So, brick, tell me what kind of business
prospects do you have lined up?
347
00:20:34,095 --> 00:20:37,565
Business? Well, there's
my usual monkey business.
348
00:20:37,599 --> 00:20:40,135
And, of course, giving your
daughter the business end of my...
349
00:20:40,171 --> 00:20:42,072
Brick!
That's my name.
350
00:20:42,106 --> 00:20:43,474
Do wear it out.
351
00:20:43,508 --> 00:20:45,811
You should come and work
for me at the dealership.
352
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:49,083
I'll make a real man
out of you, an earner.
353
00:20:49,117 --> 00:20:50,718
I'd rather be a burner.
354
00:20:50,752 --> 00:20:51,953
Right.
355
00:20:51,987 --> 00:20:53,656
Uh, honey, what's for dinner?
356
00:20:53,690 --> 00:20:56,827
I'm making your favorite,
daddy. Dolphin Risotto.
357
00:20:56,861 --> 00:20:58,062
What the fuck?
358
00:20:58,097 --> 00:20:59,498
It's great.
359
00:20:59,532 --> 00:21:02,368
You get fresh dolphin in these
little baggies down in Korea town.
360
00:21:02,403 --> 00:21:06,408
Right then and there I realized
this suburban life wasn't for me.
361
00:21:06,442 --> 00:21:09,946
All this blandness
and boredom and ignorance.
362
00:21:09,980 --> 00:21:11,782
I did what anyone would do.
363
00:21:11,816 --> 00:21:14,720
I immediately stole a motorcycle
and hightailed it out of there.
364
00:21:25,704 --> 00:21:29,442
You gotta know who you are, but you
also gotta know who you aren't
365
00:21:29,476 --> 00:21:32,346
don't let anybody box you
into a box that ain't your bag
366
00:21:32,380 --> 00:21:34,282
if it ain't your bag.
367
00:21:34,316 --> 00:21:37,720
Or the box you may find yourself
in could be made of pine.
368
00:21:37,754 --> 00:21:39,222
Dig?
369
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:43,662
Until next time,
this is brick novax's diary.
370
00:22:13,574 --> 00:22:17,045
♪ I have seen things
371
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:23,521
♪ things I just choose
not to talk about
372
00:22:25,291 --> 00:22:29,396
♪ things that
only seem to frighten
373
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:33,168
♪ and offend most everybody
374
00:22:33,202 --> 00:22:37,441
♪ welcome to my study ♪
375
00:22:42,650 --> 00:22:43,817
Hi.
376
00:22:44,953 --> 00:22:46,889
And welcome to my study.
377
00:22:49,059 --> 00:22:50,526
My name is Mitchell.
378
00:22:53,933 --> 00:22:57,504
You're always welcome to enjoy
the things that I've found.
379
00:22:57,538 --> 00:23:00,208
I'm lonely and
I collect things.
380
00:23:01,845 --> 00:23:05,015
Fine, you've made a hopscotch
drawing on the pavement,
381
00:23:05,049 --> 00:23:08,587
but it's just gonna be washed
away by the rain anyways.
382
00:23:08,621 --> 00:23:12,259
Well, let's see what I've found
inside my study drawers.
383
00:23:19,370 --> 00:23:20,838
- It's a...
- Hand grenade.
384
00:23:24,010 --> 00:23:27,415
Oh, I'd be pretty sleepy
if I drank all of that.
385
00:23:28,317 --> 00:23:29,751
That was fun.
386
00:23:29,786 --> 00:23:32,622
So what else is inside
my study drawers?
387
00:23:37,698 --> 00:23:40,233
- It's...
- An m16 assault rifle.
388
00:23:40,268 --> 00:23:42,637
I'll pin a
couple feathers on my arms
389
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:46,176
And flap
away the loneliness.
390
00:23:47,211 --> 00:23:49,046
Who knew that was there?
391
00:23:49,081 --> 00:23:52,117
So what else is inside
my study drawers?
392
00:23:58,027 --> 00:24:01,231
- It's strips of...
- The m24 sniper weapon system.
393
00:24:06,740 --> 00:24:09,643
If God could grant me one wish
394
00:24:09,678 --> 00:24:12,781
it would be to spend
more time with you.
395
00:24:12,815 --> 00:24:16,186
♪ I have seen things ♪
396
00:24:17,455 --> 00:24:22,729
♪ Things I just choose
not to talk about ♪
397
00:24:24,833 --> 00:24:28,604
♪ Things that only
seem to frighten ♪
398
00:24:28,638 --> 00:24:32,276
♪ and offend most everybody ♪
399
00:24:32,310 --> 00:24:37,116
♪ welcome to my study ♪
400
00:24:51,472 --> 00:24:53,774
Hey, we tried.
401
00:24:53,809 --> 00:24:55,444
Maybe we didn't
quite pull it off,
402
00:24:55,478 --> 00:24:57,680
but we're coming back
next week to try it again.
403
00:24:57,714 --> 00:25:01,786
There's always the chance we're gonna
get it right one of these times.
30540
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