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Kids, one morning in 2010,
I opened the newspaper
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00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:06,838
only to discover an op-ed
written by Zoey Pierson.
3
00:00:07,683 --> 00:00:08,950
You remember Zoey.
4
00:00:08,951 --> 00:00:11,486
Key Ted Mosby's car.
5
00:00:11,487 --> 00:00:13,555
In those four column inches,
she railed against me
6
00:00:13,556 --> 00:00:14,906
and my company, GNB,
7
00:00:14,907 --> 00:00:17,892
for wanting to tear down
a beautiful old building:
8
00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:18,993
The Arcadian.
9
00:00:18,994 --> 00:00:20,462
And as if that
wasn't bad enough,
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00:00:20,463 --> 00:00:23,431
the piece ran on a Saturday,
which as you both know,
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00:00:23,432 --> 00:00:25,533
is Dad's crossword day.
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00:00:25,534 --> 00:00:27,769
She ruined crossword day !
13
00:00:27,770 --> 00:00:29,104
I can't believe this.
14
00:00:29,105 --> 00:00:30,905
She singles me out by name.
15
00:00:30,906 --> 00:00:34,376
Calls me a "fat cat".
Me and my "fat-cat friends".
16
00:00:34,377 --> 00:00:35,777
We're not fat cats.
17
00:00:35,778 --> 00:00:37,045
Exactly.
18
00:00:37,046 --> 00:00:38,797
I say, Marshall, my good
man, how's my bow tie ?
19
00:00:38,798 --> 00:00:40,081
Impeccable, old bean.
20
00:00:40,082 --> 00:00:42,434
To industry !
Ah, bully !
21
00:00:42,435 --> 00:00:45,954
Okay, that night we
weren't entirely un-fat-catty.
22
00:00:45,955 --> 00:00:48,273
You see, every year
the Natural History Museum
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00:00:48,274 --> 00:00:50,141
holds its Autumn Spectacular.
24
00:00:50,142 --> 00:00:51,593
It's attended
by some of the most powerful
25
00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:53,862
and important people
in New York.
26
00:00:53,863 --> 00:00:56,231
And, thanks to
Goliath National Bank...
27
00:00:56,232 --> 00:00:57,432
us.
28
00:00:57,433 --> 00:00:58,967
Look at us, huh ?
29
00:00:58,968 --> 00:01:00,168
In tuxedos ?
30
00:01:00,169 --> 00:01:03,505
Can you imagine if our college
selves saw us like this ?
31
00:01:03,506 --> 00:01:05,073
They'd pelt us
with their Phish bootlegs.
32
00:01:05,074 --> 00:01:09,110
Yeah, we were pretty
anti-establishment back then.
33
00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,745
Oh, God, remember Russell ?
34
00:01:10,746 --> 00:01:12,080
Oh.
35
00:01:12,815 --> 00:01:15,417
Nice monkey suit, Russell.
Yeah.
36
00:01:15,418 --> 00:01:16,818
Come on, guys.
37
00:01:16,819 --> 00:01:18,753
Oh, I'm sorry, I can't hear you
38
00:01:18,754 --> 00:01:20,422
with that corporate noose
around your neck.
39
00:01:20,423 --> 00:01:23,224
And don't even try showing up
to the drum circle this weekend.
40
00:01:23,225 --> 00:01:24,426
Yeah.
41
00:01:26,228 --> 00:01:28,430
Oh, hey. You guys
seen Russell ?
42
00:01:28,431 --> 00:01:30,131
I'm supposed to drive him
to his mom's funeral.
43
00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:33,868
I wish I knew
you guys back then.
44
00:01:33,869 --> 00:01:36,304
You know why ? Because you
can't kick a story in the nuts.
45
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:38,573
Hey, we're still those people.
46
00:01:38,574 --> 00:01:40,875
One of these days, Marshall's
going to quit his job
47
00:01:40,876 --> 00:01:42,410
and go to work for the NRDC,
48
00:01:42,411 --> 00:01:44,813
and save the world,
right, baby ?
49
00:01:44,814 --> 00:01:46,581
Absotively.
50
00:01:46,582 --> 00:01:47,816
But let's just
remember, I mean,
51
00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:49,451
nobody's the same
as they were in college.
52
00:01:49,452 --> 00:01:51,853
You know, it's like, I wear
a suit to work every day.
53
00:01:51,854 --> 00:01:53,788
Well, yeah, but you
wear it ironically,
54
00:01:53,789 --> 00:01:55,523
like Ted's fanny pack.
55
00:01:55,524 --> 00:01:57,525
Next time we go
to Great Adventure,
56
00:01:57,526 --> 00:02:01,329
you're carrying
your own sunblock.
57
00:02:06,101 --> 00:02:08,303
Ooh ! I love this exhibit.
58
00:02:08,304 --> 00:02:11,005
One time when I was a kid, this
room was closed for cleaning,
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00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,574
so I snuck under the rope.
60
00:02:12,575 --> 00:02:13,608
Ooh.
61
00:02:13,609 --> 00:02:14,843
Wow, that's pretty cool.
62
00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:16,578
When I was a kid,
I knocked down the blue whale.
63
00:02:16,579 --> 00:02:19,514
Okay, the giant blue whale
hanging from the ceiling ?
64
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,866
I was six. My uncle Jerry
brought me here for the day.
65
00:02:21,867 --> 00:02:23,518
He said, "Don't touch anything"
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00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:24,752
To a kid.
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00:02:24,753 --> 00:02:26,588
That's like someone telling us,
68
00:02:26,589 --> 00:02:27,906
"Don't look at that girl's perky
69
00:02:27,907 --> 00:02:29,908
and impossibly symmetrical
knockers".
70
00:02:29,909 --> 00:02:31,025
Ooh.
71
00:02:31,026 --> 00:02:32,460
Not bad.
72
00:02:32,461 --> 00:02:36,064
So, naturally, I snapped
the rib off a triceratops,
73
00:02:36,065 --> 00:02:38,600
blahbity-blahbity-blue,
I knocked down the whale.
74
00:02:38,601 --> 00:02:40,702
I'm surprised security
didn't stop me on the way in.
75
00:02:40,703 --> 00:02:42,420
Well, I'm sure
they don't remember.
76
00:02:42,421 --> 00:02:44,255
I mean, it's been like 30 years
77
00:02:44,256 --> 00:02:46,374
since that completely
made-up story didn't happen.
78
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:48,109
It happened.
79
00:02:48,110 --> 00:02:49,644
And these people don't forget.
80
00:02:49,645 --> 00:02:52,046
This is not the
Natural Stuff That Happened
81
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,315
No More Than Five Minutes Ago
Museum. Huh ?
82
00:02:54,316 --> 00:02:56,150
Marshall, Barney,
there you are.
83
00:02:56,151 --> 00:02:58,553
I want you to meet an old friend
of mine from Exeter,
84
00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:00,438
George Van Smoot.
85
00:03:00,439 --> 00:03:03,224
But you can, and should,
call me The Captain.
86
00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,159
The Captain ?
The Captain ?
87
00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,062
Back in school we met during
a production of Guys and Dolls.
88
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:13,234
The Captain was Nathan Detroit
to my assistant stage manager.
89
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,236
Marshall and Barney here,
90
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:17,405
are the future
of Goliath National Bank.
91
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:18,840
Well, ahoy.
92
00:03:18,841 --> 00:03:21,142
Ahoy.
Ahoy, The Captain.
93
00:03:21,143 --> 00:03:22,877
The Captain pretty much paid
for this entire shindig.
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00:03:22,878 --> 00:03:24,078
Please, enjoy yourselves,
95
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:27,048
have fun,
but don't touch anything.
96
00:03:27,049 --> 00:03:29,150
Thank you, The Captain.
Challenge accepted.
97
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:32,470
Wow.
98
00:03:32,471 --> 00:03:34,806
"The future of
Goliath National Bank" ?
99
00:03:34,807 --> 00:03:37,025
I know, it's so, uh...
100
00:03:37,026 --> 00:03:39,394
You know, I totally forgot
to tell you, but, um,
101
00:03:39,395 --> 00:03:42,697
the other day, Arthur offered
me a five-year contract.
102
00:03:42,698 --> 00:03:45,984
Oh, well, don't turn him down
here in public.
103
00:03:45,985 --> 00:03:48,770
I broke up with Scooter
at the prom.
104
00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:50,822
Right before the picture, too.
105
00:03:53,642 --> 00:03:56,711
So whatever you do, don't tell
him here tonight, 'cause...
106
00:03:56,712 --> 00:03:58,346
I think I'm going to say yes.
107
00:04:02,384 --> 00:04:04,819
Ah, that's the stuff.
108
00:04:17,833 --> 00:04:20,001
I didn't realize you
were small potatoes.
109
00:04:20,002 --> 00:04:23,271
And to be clear, I am
referring to your testicles.
110
00:04:30,279 --> 00:04:31,512
Impressive.
111
00:04:32,381 --> 00:04:34,582
Try this on for size.
112
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:44,825
You want to dance ?
113
00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:46,628
Let's dance.
114
00:04:49,932 --> 00:04:51,532
I live for the dance.
115
00:04:51,533 --> 00:04:55,536
Get... your other hand...
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00:04:55,537 --> 00:04:57,505
off my ass.
117
00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,674
Sorry, sorry.
118
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,344
What do you mean,
you're going to say yes ?
119
00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:05,697
I- I want to keep
working at GNB.
120
00:05:05,698 --> 00:05:06,981
But I thought that you...
121
00:05:06,982 --> 00:05:08,032
Guys, guys, guys ?
122
00:05:08,033 --> 00:05:09,701
Architecture fun fact:
123
00:05:09,702 --> 00:05:12,370
If you stand right here,
and you whisper,
124
00:05:12,371 --> 00:05:14,188
a person all the way across
the other end of the room
125
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,324
hears it like you're standing
right next to them.
126
00:05:16,325 --> 00:05:18,159
It's one of the most
sophisticated pieces
127
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:20,461
of acoustical design
in the world. Watch.
128
00:05:20,462 --> 00:05:22,230
Diarrhea.
129
00:05:24,033 --> 00:05:26,834
Right ? Right ?
130
00:05:26,835 --> 00:05:29,420
But a five-year
contract.
131
00:05:29,421 --> 00:05:31,005
I thought you hated GNB.
132
00:05:31,006 --> 00:05:32,507
Look, I don't hate all of it.
133
00:05:32,508 --> 00:05:33,708
Tonight's fun.
134
00:05:33,709 --> 00:05:35,009
Take a look around.
135
00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:36,394
I mean, this is
pretty high-class.
136
00:05:36,395 --> 00:05:38,079
Poo-poo.
137
00:05:39,615 --> 00:05:41,399
Poo-poo platter.
138
00:05:44,186 --> 00:05:45,753
Zoey ?
139
00:05:53,796 --> 00:05:54,930
Well, well, well.
140
00:05:55,559 --> 00:05:57,860
You have got to be kidding me.
141
00:05:57,861 --> 00:05:59,128
So, what are we protesting
tonight ?
142
00:05:59,129 --> 00:06:01,064
Rising cost of jet fuel ?
143
00:06:01,065 --> 00:06:04,300
The government's oppressive
top hat and monocle tax ?
144
00:06:04,301 --> 00:06:05,735
And what are you doing here ?
145
00:06:05,736 --> 00:06:07,370
Oh, right.
146
00:06:07,371 --> 00:06:09,939
Beautiful old building...
you're here to knock it down.
147
00:06:10,741 --> 00:06:12,108
Can I finish my drink first ?
148
00:06:12,109 --> 00:06:13,376
Darling, there you are.
149
00:06:13,377 --> 00:06:14,544
Hi.
Hi.
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00:06:14,545 --> 00:06:16,579
Ted, this is my husband.
151
00:06:17,548 --> 00:06:20,283
Yeah, old stuff's great.
152
00:06:29,293 --> 00:06:32,729
Mmm. Ah, this Scotch
is good. How's your drink ?
153
00:06:32,730 --> 00:06:35,798
This is ridiculous.
154
00:06:35,799 --> 00:06:39,435
We are two grown adults standing
among the greatest collection
155
00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:41,437
of natural artifacts
in the Western hemisphere,
156
00:06:41,438 --> 00:06:42,672
and look at what we're doing.
157
00:06:42,673 --> 00:06:45,475
You're right.
158
00:06:48,912 --> 00:06:51,180
Want to go touch
a bunch of stuff ?
159
00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:53,016
Yeah, I do.
160
00:07:08,999 --> 00:07:10,600
So, Captain.
161
00:07:10,601 --> 00:07:11,934
How'd you get that name, anyway ?
162
00:07:11,935 --> 00:07:13,403
Gave it to myself.
163
00:07:13,404 --> 00:07:15,605
A real man chooses
his own name.
164
00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:17,340
Well, pleased to meet you,
Captain.
165
00:07:17,341 --> 00:07:20,376
I'm Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
166
00:07:20,377 --> 00:07:22,078
This is Ted.
Capital.
167
00:07:22,079 --> 00:07:23,279
Honey, I may cut out early.
168
00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:25,114
I have to go check up
on the boat.
169
00:07:25,115 --> 00:07:26,899
The boat ?
There's a boat ?
170
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:28,685
You must tell me about
this boat, Captain.
171
00:07:28,686 --> 00:07:30,853
Well, she's an 85-foot sloop.
172
00:07:30,854 --> 00:07:32,555
She !
Do you like boats ?
173
00:07:32,556 --> 00:07:35,358
Does the sea call to you
like it calls to me ?
174
00:07:35,359 --> 00:07:39,329
Yes. The sea is all like,
"Ted, come hang out".
175
00:07:39,330 --> 00:07:43,232
I like Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
176
00:07:43,233 --> 00:07:45,101
You're coming on
the boat sometime.
177
00:07:45,102 --> 00:07:46,419
Stepping off.
178
00:07:47,805 --> 00:07:51,307
Man, I wish me and my dad
were as close as you guys are.
179
00:07:51,308 --> 00:07:53,309
Oh. You want
to make this personal ?
180
00:07:53,310 --> 00:07:54,761
Okay.
181
00:07:54,762 --> 00:07:57,780
Destroy Ted Mosby.
182
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:58,981
Now it's personal.
183
00:07:58,982 --> 00:08:00,750
No, if I wanted
to make it personal,
184
00:08:00,751 --> 00:08:03,152
I'd call you
a bored little trophy wife
185
00:08:03,153 --> 00:08:04,620
who likes to play activist
186
00:08:04,621 --> 00:08:07,023
when the shops
on 5th Avenue are closed.
187
00:08:07,024 --> 00:08:08,424
You're going down.
188
00:08:08,425 --> 00:08:10,893
Down where ?
To the yacht club ?
189
00:08:10,894 --> 00:08:12,428
Oh ! I would love to.
190
00:08:12,429 --> 00:08:14,030
W- w-wait.
191
00:08:14,031 --> 00:08:16,566
I'm half Jewish,
will that be a problem ?
192
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,268
So what about becoming
an environmental lawyer ?
193
00:08:19,269 --> 00:08:21,237
What about saving the world ?
194
00:08:21,238 --> 00:08:22,438
Wieners.
195
00:08:22,439 --> 00:08:24,040
That was a great dream.
196
00:08:24,041 --> 00:08:26,926
But we have a mortgage,
and we're trying to have kids.
197
00:08:26,927 --> 00:08:28,010
We're grown-ups now, Lily.
198
00:08:28,011 --> 00:08:29,712
Wieners and gonads.
199
00:08:29,713 --> 00:08:30,980
What would College You say
200
00:08:30,981 --> 00:08:32,882
if he heard what
you were saying right now ?
201
00:08:32,883 --> 00:08:35,118
Honestly ? Probably
something pretentious,
202
00:08:35,119 --> 00:08:36,352
and pseudo-intellectual, like...
203
00:08:36,353 --> 00:08:37,720
Boogers.
204
00:08:39,123 --> 00:08:40,490
We all change, Lily.
205
00:08:40,491 --> 00:08:43,292
You know, you don't spell
"women" with a "Y" anymore.
206
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:45,561
And I'm okay with that.
207
00:08:45,562 --> 00:08:47,430
And you need to be okay
with the fact
208
00:08:47,431 --> 00:08:49,899
that I may never become
an environmental lawyer.
209
00:08:51,702 --> 00:08:53,803
So how long have
you felt this way ?
210
00:08:53,804 --> 00:08:56,005
Honestly ?
211
00:08:57,141 --> 00:08:59,242
Since my first day at GNB.
212
00:09:00,077 --> 00:09:02,245
Hershey squirts.
213
00:09:08,585 --> 00:09:11,754
Hey. How do you
like my date's tux ?
214
00:09:11,755 --> 00:09:12,922
Ooh !
215
00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:14,507
Uh, a-thank you !
216
00:09:14,508 --> 00:09:17,260
Oh, none for him.
He's stuffed.
217
00:09:19,430 --> 00:09:21,597
Stuffed.
218
00:09:22,466 --> 00:09:24,967
Oh ! Zoey ! There you are.
219
00:09:24,968 --> 00:09:26,469
Oh, my God.
220
00:09:26,470 --> 00:09:28,471
You have a monocle.
221
00:09:28,472 --> 00:09:29,839
Is this real ?
222
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,073
Is this really happening ?
Can you excuse us for a moment ?
223
00:09:31,074 --> 00:09:32,859
Let's go for a walk.
224
00:09:32,860 --> 00:09:34,944
Good luck killing James Bond.
225
00:09:37,748 --> 00:09:39,332
Are we allowed in here ?
226
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:40,349
What do you want from me ?
227
00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:42,051
I want my crossword day back.
228
00:09:42,052 --> 00:09:44,454
Okay ? Go live your perfect
little life,
229
00:09:44,455 --> 00:09:45,721
and leave me the hell alone.
230
00:09:45,722 --> 00:09:47,089
My life isn't perfect.
231
00:09:47,090 --> 00:09:48,991
Oh, please,
what's your biggest problem ?
232
00:09:48,992 --> 00:09:50,426
Having to sail
back to the marina
233
00:09:50,427 --> 00:09:52,361
because the Captain's
all out of white Zin ?
234
00:09:54,264 --> 00:09:56,165
Oh. Great.
Now you're crying.
235
00:09:56,166 --> 00:09:58,267
Like that's going
to get my sympathy.
236
00:09:58,268 --> 00:10:01,504
It did.
237
00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:04,440
You've known about this
for two and a half years ?
238
00:10:04,441 --> 00:10:05,842
So every time you've
239
00:10:05,843 --> 00:10:08,678
talked about wanting to be an
environmental lawyer since then,
240
00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:09,812
that was a lie.
241
00:10:09,813 --> 00:10:12,381
Technically, I never lied.
242
00:10:13,016 --> 00:10:14,817
You asked me questions,
243
00:10:14,818 --> 00:10:17,987
and I responded
with made-up words.
244
00:10:17,988 --> 00:10:19,255
What ?
245
00:10:19,256 --> 00:10:22,158
So, you'll probably quit GNB
in a couple years, right ?
246
00:10:22,159 --> 00:10:23,993
Affirmatootly.
247
00:10:23,994 --> 00:10:25,695
And become
an environmental lawyer ?
248
00:10:25,696 --> 00:10:27,029
Yepskerdoodles.
249
00:10:27,030 --> 00:10:29,065
Hey, by the way,
do you like this scarf ?
250
00:10:29,066 --> 00:10:33,202
Posititochadochmecochepopocha.
251
00:10:33,203 --> 00:10:34,470
Lawyered.
252
00:10:34,471 --> 00:10:36,672
Okay, that's also
a made-up word.
253
00:10:36,673 --> 00:10:39,675
Okay. Lily,
what do you want from me ?
254
00:10:39,676 --> 00:10:43,613
I want you to be the person
I fell in love with.
255
00:10:55,826 --> 00:10:57,994
Niled it !
256
00:10:57,995 --> 00:11:00,029
Excuse me.
257
00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:02,498
Thank God you're here.
258
00:11:02,499 --> 00:11:06,102
She's been messing
with the exhibits.
259
00:11:06,103 --> 00:11:08,571
I got married when I was 22
260
00:11:08,572 --> 00:11:11,741
to a man who calls himself
The Captain.
261
00:11:11,742 --> 00:11:14,677
He seems like a good guy.
262
00:11:14,678 --> 00:11:17,647
He wears those red pants.
263
00:11:17,648 --> 00:11:19,382
I hate boats, Ted.
264
00:11:20,017 --> 00:11:21,450
I do, I hate 'em.
265
00:11:21,451 --> 00:11:22,785
I can't be on them.
266
00:11:22,786 --> 00:11:24,120
I can't be near them.
267
00:11:24,121 --> 00:11:26,789
I can't even think about them
without getting seasick.
268
00:11:27,925 --> 00:11:32,094
You want to know why I want
to save that building ?
269
00:11:32,095 --> 00:11:34,230
Because when I look up
at The Arcadian,
270
00:11:34,231 --> 00:11:37,800
I see something big and solid,
271
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:40,269
and right now everything else
in my life
272
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:42,405
just feels like I'm on a boat.
273
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:46,943
I know it's crazy to care
that much about a building.
274
00:11:46,944 --> 00:11:48,444
It's not crazy at all.
275
00:11:48,445 --> 00:11:49,679
I'm the same way.
276
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,330
Look, Zoey,
277
00:11:51,331 --> 00:11:55,651
The Arcadian should be
a landmark, it should.
278
00:11:55,652 --> 00:11:59,021
The lion head stonework
is iconic.
279
00:12:00,057 --> 00:12:01,924
I hate that we have
to tear it down.
280
00:12:01,925 --> 00:12:03,726
I hate working for GNB.
281
00:12:03,727 --> 00:12:08,064
They're a bunch of wieners
and gonads.
282
00:12:08,065 --> 00:12:11,000
Ted, that was...
283
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:13,269
really easy.
284
00:12:13,270 --> 00:12:14,937
What ?
285
00:12:17,007 --> 00:12:20,910
They're a
bunch of wieners and gonads.
286
00:12:20,911 --> 00:12:23,279
This should be useful.
287
00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,647
And in that moment,
288
00:12:24,648 --> 00:12:27,016
another headline appeared
before my eyes.
289
00:12:32,923 --> 00:12:34,390
You tricked me.
290
00:12:34,391 --> 00:12:36,258
Well, it the bug room, Ted.
291
00:12:36,259 --> 00:12:38,461
Your ass just got bugged.
292
00:12:40,631 --> 00:12:42,882
Oh, the offer still stands.
293
00:12:42,883 --> 00:12:45,868
We simply must have you out
on the boat sometime.
294
00:12:54,421 --> 00:12:56,021
Well, aren't you two clever.
295
00:12:56,528 --> 00:12:57,929
Well, guess what,
this museum has seen
296
00:12:57,930 --> 00:12:59,614
every kind of prank
you can think of.
297
00:12:59,615 --> 00:13:00,648
Mummies playing poker,
298
00:13:00,649 --> 00:13:02,900
penguins sticking
out of volcanoes,
299
00:13:02,901 --> 00:13:04,836
dinosaurs from
the Cretaceous period
300
00:13:04,837 --> 00:13:07,105
hanging out with dinosaurs
from the Jurassic period.
301
00:13:07,106 --> 00:13:09,173
One time a kid knocked down
the blue whale.
302
00:13:09,174 --> 00:13:10,608
You name it...
303
00:13:10,609 --> 00:13:12,944
I'm sorry. Did you say someone
knocked down the blue whale ?
304
00:13:12,945 --> 00:13:14,245
Oh no, not just someone.
305
00:13:14,246 --> 00:13:15,279
A six-year-old.
306
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,414
Oh, yeah, that
story is legend...
307
00:13:16,415 --> 00:13:18,649
Hold on.
308
00:13:18,650 --> 00:13:20,334
...dary.
309
00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:22,820
And, um, would you
happen to know
310
00:13:22,821 --> 00:13:24,756
what that young man's name was ?
311
00:13:24,757 --> 00:13:27,091
No.
312
00:13:27,092 --> 00:13:30,762
But I could,
uh, check the files.
313
00:13:34,099 --> 00:13:35,700
Thank you.
314
00:13:35,701 --> 00:13:37,902
Now, Arthur, your turn.
315
00:13:37,903 --> 00:13:39,604
I just sang three songs.
316
00:13:39,605 --> 00:13:42,440
Now you-you do your part
from Guys and Dolls.
317
00:13:45,778 --> 00:13:48,012
Take your seats, everyone.
318
00:13:48,013 --> 00:13:49,947
The show's about to start.
319
00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:52,283
Douche.
320
00:13:56,822 --> 00:14:00,157
So I hear my wife
got you pretty good.
321
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,996
She caught me on
tape trashing GNB.
322
00:14:04,997 --> 00:14:07,031
Oh, that damn recorder.
323
00:14:07,032 --> 00:14:08,733
Try being married to that.
324
00:14:08,734 --> 00:14:12,937
"But you said you'd get the
corgis neutered this weekend".
325
00:14:12,938 --> 00:14:14,605
"I said no such thing".
326
00:14:14,606 --> 00:14:16,808
"Oh, yeah ?" Click.
327
00:14:18,177 --> 00:14:19,610
You're a good guy,
328
00:14:19,611 --> 00:14:22,213
Galactic President
Superstar McAwesomeville.
329
00:14:23,248 --> 00:14:24,916
Tell you what,
when Zoey goes to sleep,
330
00:14:24,917 --> 00:14:26,984
I'll find that tape
and erase it for you.
331
00:14:26,985 --> 00:14:28,119
No hard feelings.
332
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,220
Really ?
333
00:14:29,221 --> 00:14:31,022
You'd do that to your own wife ?
334
00:14:31,023 --> 00:14:32,323
Sure. Why not ?
335
00:14:32,324 --> 00:14:35,426
I mean, I'm glad she has
these little causes,
336
00:14:35,427 --> 00:14:37,028
they keep her out of trouble,
337
00:14:37,029 --> 00:14:39,197
but when she throws
a temper tantrum
338
00:14:39,198 --> 00:14:40,598
and it gets in the way
of someone doing their job,
339
00:14:40,599 --> 00:14:42,266
that's a problem.
340
00:14:42,267 --> 00:14:44,168
No, you know what ?
341
00:14:44,169 --> 00:14:46,037
Don't erase the tape.
342
00:14:46,038 --> 00:14:47,872
And for what it's worth,
343
00:14:47,873 --> 00:14:49,907
I don't think
she's throwing temper tantrums.
344
00:14:49,908 --> 00:14:51,209
I just think she's, you know,
345
00:14:51,210 --> 00:14:53,244
standing up
for what she believes in.
346
00:14:53,946 --> 00:14:55,680
I respect that.
347
00:14:56,915 --> 00:14:59,083
Hey, what about this ?
348
00:14:59,084 --> 00:15:01,619
I'll take you out
on the boat sometime.
349
00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:04,889
You've got to see this boat.
350
00:15:04,890 --> 00:15:06,524
She's breathtaking.
351
00:15:06,525 --> 00:15:09,227
Kids, there's an amazing
architectural phenomenon
352
00:15:09,228 --> 00:15:11,162
in the Natural History Museum.
353
00:15:11,163 --> 00:15:12,864
If you stand in the right spot,
354
00:15:12,865 --> 00:15:15,723
you can hear
an entire conversation
355
00:15:17,380 --> 00:15:18,683
all the way across the room.
356
00:15:21,406 --> 00:15:23,174
July 23, 1981,
357
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:24,275
incident report.
358
00:15:24,276 --> 00:15:26,978
At approximately 1000 hours,
359
00:15:26,979 --> 00:15:27,979
No.
...vandal dislodged
360
00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:31,749
rib from triceratops skeleton...
No...
361
00:15:31,750 --> 00:15:33,584
...and flung said rib
at giant whale.
362
00:15:33,585 --> 00:15:35,186
No.
363
00:15:35,187 --> 00:15:38,389
Causing said giant whale to fall
in a downward trajectory.
364
00:15:38,390 --> 00:15:39,757
No.
And the vandal's name...
365
00:15:39,758 --> 00:15:41,692
No.
366
00:15:41,693 --> 00:15:44,629
Well, I'll be damned...
Barney Stinson.
367
00:15:44,630 --> 00:15:46,430
No ! No !
368
00:15:46,431 --> 00:15:48,566
Who's the master, Leroy ?
369
00:15:48,567 --> 00:15:50,034
Stinson was reprimanded
370
00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:53,804
and returned to the custody
of his father, Jerome Whittaker.
371
00:15:53,805 --> 00:15:56,407
Uh, no, uncle.
Jerome Whittaker is my uncle.
372
00:15:56,408 --> 00:15:58,409
Uncle Jerry. Says father.
Even signed it
373
00:15:58,410 --> 00:16:01,245
and checked the box
for father and everything.
374
00:16:03,115 --> 00:16:06,817
Jerry's my uncle.
375
00:16:16,895 --> 00:16:19,130
Lily ?
376
00:16:22,134 --> 00:16:23,834
Honey, what's wrong ?
377
00:16:23,835 --> 00:16:25,303
You okay ?
378
00:16:25,304 --> 00:16:27,538
Do you want a hit
of this sandwich ?
379
00:16:27,539 --> 00:16:29,607
I want you.
380
00:16:29,608 --> 00:16:33,160
Awesome. Let me just put
a sock on the doorknob.
381
00:16:33,161 --> 00:16:35,179
No. I mean, I want you
382
00:16:35,180 --> 00:16:37,848
as opposed to who you've become.
383
00:16:37,849 --> 00:16:40,484
You've changed so much.
384
00:16:40,485 --> 00:16:42,386
What ? How have I changed ?
385
00:16:42,387 --> 00:16:45,122
Did I cheat on you ?
386
00:16:45,123 --> 00:16:46,057
No.
387
00:16:46,058 --> 00:16:47,625
Did I stop writing poems
for you ?
388
00:16:47,626 --> 00:16:49,961
Yes, but I'm okay with that.
389
00:16:49,962 --> 00:16:54,665
Am I not as good at making
the sweet, sweet love to you ?
390
00:16:54,666 --> 00:16:56,867
Actually, you're way better now.
391
00:16:56,868 --> 00:16:59,770
You last, like, two,
three times as long.
392
00:16:59,771 --> 00:17:02,473
You said that any longer
would be too much.
393
00:17:02,474 --> 00:17:06,143
It's okay. College Lily thinks
those are orgasms.
394
00:17:06,144 --> 00:17:07,812
No, it's...
395
00:17:07,813 --> 00:17:09,247
it's none of that.
396
00:17:09,248 --> 00:17:12,917
It's just this new Marshall...
Corporate Marshall...
397
00:17:12,918 --> 00:17:14,318
he wears suits
398
00:17:14,319 --> 00:17:15,820
all the time.
399
00:17:15,821 --> 00:17:18,222
He doesn't care about
saving the world.
400
00:17:18,223 --> 00:17:20,725
He's not you.
401
00:17:20,726 --> 00:17:22,693
I want you back.
402
00:17:22,694 --> 00:17:26,030
Well, you can't have me.
403
00:17:26,031 --> 00:17:29,900
Look at the sign.
404
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:31,469
I'm extinct.
405
00:17:31,470 --> 00:17:33,771
I've gone the way
of Jane's Addiction.
406
00:17:33,772 --> 00:17:36,173
Actually, Jane's Addiction
got back together.
407
00:17:36,174 --> 00:17:37,642
They did ?
408
00:17:37,643 --> 00:17:40,378
Yeah, they've done a few tours,
they put out a new album.
409
00:17:40,379 --> 00:17:42,280
Are you serious ?!
That is awesome !
410
00:17:42,281 --> 00:17:43,547
Are they just as good ?
411
00:17:43,548 --> 00:17:45,049
Sure.
412
00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:48,819
Look, I know that
Corporate Marshall
413
00:17:48,820 --> 00:17:52,556
wears a tie and everything,
but it sounds like
414
00:17:52,557 --> 00:17:55,526
he hasn't changed
where it counts.
415
00:18:01,199 --> 00:18:02,232
Hey.
416
00:18:02,233 --> 00:18:03,367
Hi.
417
00:18:03,368 --> 00:18:05,469
Look, Lily,
418
00:18:05,470 --> 00:18:07,638
I know that you
would have been okay
419
00:18:07,639 --> 00:18:10,508
if we were poor and I was
trying to save the world,
420
00:18:10,509 --> 00:18:12,643
but will you still be okay
421
00:18:12,644 --> 00:18:14,712
if I make a lot of money
422
00:18:14,713 --> 00:18:18,816
and I spend all of it
spoiling you and our kids ?
423
00:18:20,152 --> 00:18:22,553
We'll make it work.
424
00:18:31,396 --> 00:18:33,130
There he goes.
425
00:18:33,131 --> 00:18:35,299
The Marathon Man.
426
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,735
Mr. Stamina himself.
427
00:18:37,736 --> 00:18:42,573
I can kiss better
than that old man.
428
00:18:42,574 --> 00:18:45,609
So when was the last
time you saw him ?
429
00:18:45,610 --> 00:18:48,346
It was that day...
430
00:18:48,347 --> 00:18:51,148
July 23, 1981.
431
00:18:51,149 --> 00:18:53,718
My mom got pretty mad
that he let me destroy
432
00:18:53,719 --> 00:18:55,252
a New York City landmark.
433
00:18:55,253 --> 00:18:57,188
Moms.
434
00:18:57,189 --> 00:18:59,990
He never came around
anymore after that.
435
00:19:00,792 --> 00:19:03,527
Think he moved away.
436
00:19:03,528 --> 00:19:05,996
Well, maybe the security guy
had it wrong.
437
00:19:05,997 --> 00:19:07,765
You never know...
438
00:19:07,766 --> 00:19:10,935
But you do know, you do know.
That's the thing. You know.
439
00:19:12,938 --> 00:19:15,473
He's my dad.
440
00:19:15,474 --> 00:19:17,441
Barney, do you want... ?
441
00:19:17,442 --> 00:19:18,993
I don't want to do anything.
442
00:19:18,994 --> 00:19:21,479
Don't tell anyone
about this, okay ?
443
00:19:22,914 --> 00:19:24,615
I'm serious.
It's a great look.
444
00:19:24,616 --> 00:19:26,534
I think it could come
back, but one question.
445
00:19:26,535 --> 00:19:28,669
Does it cost half
as much as glasses ?
446
00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:30,487
Can I steal you for a second ?
447
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:36,660
You don't need
to worry. I...
448
00:19:36,661 --> 00:19:38,162
What are you doing ?
449
00:19:38,163 --> 00:19:40,965
Oh, I thought we were...
450
00:19:40,966 --> 00:19:43,234
Fine.
451
00:19:44,002 --> 00:19:45,669
I erased the tape.
452
00:19:45,670 --> 00:19:47,271
What ?
453
00:19:47,272 --> 00:19:48,706
I don't need it.
454
00:19:48,707 --> 00:19:50,441
I'm going to beat
you fair and square.
455
00:19:50,442 --> 00:19:52,977
Thanks.
456
00:19:52,978 --> 00:19:54,195
But it's good to know
457
00:19:54,196 --> 00:19:58,149
how easily you can be
manipulated by a woman.
458
00:19:58,150 --> 00:20:00,851
You look gross when
you cry, you know that ?
459
00:20:00,852 --> 00:20:02,653
Some women look cute.
460
00:20:02,654 --> 00:20:04,588
You look like a basset hound.
461
00:20:04,589 --> 00:20:06,657
Oh, laugh it up now.
462
00:20:06,658 --> 00:20:08,626
Because starting Monday,
463
00:20:08,627 --> 00:20:10,527
I got you in my crosshairs.
464
00:20:10,528 --> 00:20:12,963
Bring it on, Princess.
465
00:20:35,392 --> 00:20:36,526
Eriksen...
466
00:20:36,605 --> 00:20:38,840
It's, uh, 3:00 a.m.
467
00:20:38,841 --> 00:20:43,044
You know what, you might
as well not even go home.
468
00:20:50,219 --> 00:20:53,087
And so Marshall stayed right on
at Goliath National Bank.
469
00:20:53,088 --> 00:20:57,125
Of course,
it wouldn't last forever.
470
00:20:57,126 --> 00:21:00,327
But that's another story.32948
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