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1
00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:02,511
I am here
with Ozamataz Buckshank,
2
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,450
the rookie
out of Stanford University
3
00:00:04,509 --> 00:00:07,717
who is undoubtedly the MVP
of today's game
4
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,004
with an interception that
he runs back for a touchdown
5
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,493
in the last 30 seconds
of the contest.
6
00:00:12,528 --> 00:00:15,071
Ozamataz, can you walk us
through what happened
7
00:00:15,105 --> 00:00:16,203
in that last play?
8
00:00:16,238 --> 00:00:17,603
- It was amazing.
- Yeah, we knew we had to go
9
00:00:17,638 --> 00:00:20,007
out there, give 100%,
and we executed.
10
00:00:20,041 --> 00:00:21,242
It just went our way today.
11
00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:22,709
And was the quarterback
giving you
12
00:00:22,743 --> 00:00:24,808
any clues today, Oz?
13
00:00:24,843 --> 00:00:26,127
It looked like you knew
that ball was gonna be there.
14
00:00:26,152 --> 00:00:27,340
What was happening?
15
00:00:27,374 --> 00:00:30,274
We wanted to have some fun,
you know, execute.
16
00:00:30,308 --> 00:00:32,709
Play one quarter at a time,
give 100%.
17
00:00:32,743 --> 00:00:34,711
Oh--okay, okay.
You know, let's just--
18
00:00:34,745 --> 00:00:36,011
Let's talk
about last week's game.
19
00:00:36,045 --> 00:00:38,580
You guys lost a heartbreaker.
20
00:00:38,614 --> 00:00:41,283
Give me your state of mind,
then versus now.
21
00:00:41,317 --> 00:00:43,017
We wanted
to do it play by play,
22
00:00:43,051 --> 00:00:45,251
give it 100%,
execution-wise.
23
00:00:45,286 --> 00:00:47,319
- Execute.
- Okay.
24
00:00:47,353 --> 00:00:48,820
I'm gonna ask you something
completely different
25
00:00:48,855 --> 00:00:49,821
that's not about football.
26
00:00:49,856 --> 00:00:50,822
Look at me, Oz.
27
00:00:50,857 --> 00:00:52,023
just look at me for a second.
28
00:00:52,057 --> 00:00:53,058
I'm gonna ask you a question
right here.
29
00:00:53,092 --> 00:00:54,493
That a boy.
So you and your wife
30
00:00:54,527 --> 00:00:55,761
recently had--
right here.
31
00:00:55,796 --> 00:00:56,962
Stay with me.
32
00:00:56,996 --> 00:00:59,030
You and your wife
recently had twins, okay?
33
00:00:59,064 --> 00:01:00,831
How does it feel
to be a new dad?
34
00:01:00,866 --> 00:01:03,300
You know, we wanted to stay
As a team, execute,
35
00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:05,601
give 100%,
play by play.
36
00:01:05,635 --> 00:01:07,937
Okay, you know what,
I'm gonna just--I'm just gonna--
37
00:01:07,971 --> 00:01:09,839
I'm gonna do a little test
right now.
38
00:01:09,873 --> 00:01:12,239
Hey, Oz, how'd you get
to the game today?
39
00:01:12,274 --> 00:01:16,742
They a good team,
great team, 100%.
40
00:01:16,776 --> 00:01:18,543
And what'd you have
for dinner last night?
41
00:01:18,577 --> 00:01:19,745
- 100%.
- 100%. Yeah, you did.
42
00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:22,582
Of course.
100% of whatever 100% was.
43
00:01:22,617 --> 00:01:24,851
You know what,
can you just do me a favor
44
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,552
and tell me
one specific thing?
45
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:30,856
Like, just one actual, original
observation that you had
46
00:01:30,891 --> 00:01:32,924
about today's game?
47
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,260
The game that you won
almost single-handedly.
48
00:01:36,295 --> 00:01:37,762
Do you think
that you could do that, Oz?
49
00:01:37,796 --> 00:01:40,064
- Oh, 100%.
- Oh, God damn it!
50
00:02:01,118 --> 00:02:03,253
- Hey.
- All right.
51
00:02:04,856 --> 00:02:06,556
Thank you.
52
00:02:08,792 --> 00:02:11,194
- All right.
- Thank you, everybody, so much.
53
00:02:11,228 --> 00:02:12,862
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome.
54
00:02:12,896 --> 00:02:14,996
- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.
55
00:02:15,031 --> 00:02:18,300
And we are Key and Peele.
56
00:02:18,334 --> 00:02:19,968
Thank you.
57
00:02:20,003 --> 00:02:22,270
You guys know when Superman
and Batman
58
00:02:22,305 --> 00:02:24,372
meet in comic books
and TV shows?
59
00:02:24,407 --> 00:02:26,875
You know--if you're
a comic book fan. Yeah.
60
00:02:26,909 --> 00:02:28,243
They always meet,
and it's like they're equals.
61
00:02:28,277 --> 00:02:29,544
Yeah.
They're not equals.
62
00:02:29,579 --> 00:02:30,812
They're not equals.
No.
63
00:02:30,847 --> 00:02:32,381
They're, like,
if they're on a stakeout,
64
00:02:32,416 --> 00:02:34,050
like, what's Batman
supposed to do?
65
00:02:34,085 --> 00:02:36,353
There are the bad guys.
66
00:02:36,387 --> 00:02:37,787
I'll use my utility belt
Freeze--
67
00:02:37,821 --> 00:02:38,955
Got 'em.
68
00:02:38,989 --> 00:02:42,124
Okay.
69
00:02:43,493 --> 00:02:44,760
I'm gonna give you a tour
of Gotham.
70
00:02:44,795 --> 00:02:45,761
Please.
Of Gotham?
71
00:02:45,796 --> 00:02:46,929
- Yes.
- The city?
72
00:02:46,963 --> 00:02:48,664
Yeah, I was gonna get
in my Batwing...
73
00:02:48,698 --> 00:02:49,798
- Cool.
- and you and I could travel
74
00:02:49,833 --> 00:02:51,166
around,
fly through the sky.
75
00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:52,234
Oh, we don't need that.
76
00:02:52,268 --> 00:02:54,803
Just, what, you want
to climb on top?
77
00:02:54,837 --> 00:02:57,472
Come on.
78
00:02:57,507 --> 00:02:59,341
Get up on it.
79
00:02:59,376 --> 00:03:01,844
Jump up on it.
80
00:03:01,878 --> 00:03:04,346
Come on.
There you go.
81
00:03:05,715 --> 00:03:08,417
Is that--
Is that your utility belt
82
00:03:08,451 --> 00:03:10,752
I'm feeling?
83
00:03:14,779 --> 00:03:16,179
Hello, Skymall Magazine,
84
00:03:16,213 --> 00:03:17,480
this is Riyaz speaking.
85
00:03:17,515 --> 00:03:21,150
Hello, Riyaz.
I would like to report
86
00:03:21,184 --> 00:03:24,886
an item which I ordered
that arrived broken.
87
00:03:24,921 --> 00:03:27,690
Wendell Sanders,
Mockingbird Lane.
88
00:03:27,724 --> 00:03:29,391
That's right.
89
00:03:29,426 --> 00:03:31,460
I am showing the last item
that you received
90
00:03:31,494 --> 00:03:34,496
is the Superman bed
with the Mattress of Solitude.
91
00:03:34,530 --> 00:03:35,697
That's the one.
92
00:03:35,731 --> 00:03:37,632
Ordered it for my son
for his birthday,
93
00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:40,168
but I cannot give it to him
like this.
94
00:03:40,202 --> 00:03:42,503
And I'm pretty darn-tootin'
pissed about it.
95
00:03:42,538 --> 00:03:43,805
I'm really sorry, sir.
96
00:03:43,839 --> 00:03:46,607
I will start processing
your reorder right now
97
00:03:46,642 --> 00:03:48,109
with you on the line, okay?
98
00:03:48,143 --> 00:03:50,111
I ain't mad at you, Riyaz.
99
00:03:50,145 --> 00:03:51,946
It's just the system.
I know.
100
00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:54,081
Okay. thank you
for understanding, sir.
101
00:03:54,115 --> 00:03:55,548
Kids, eh?
102
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:57,817
Huh?
103
00:03:57,851 --> 00:04:02,088
Oh, ki--well, yeah,
I just got the one myself.
104
00:04:02,122 --> 00:04:05,257
Had sex with a woman
and everything to get him.
105
00:04:05,292 --> 00:04:06,559
How long is this gonna--
106
00:04:06,593 --> 00:04:07,760
What is your son's name?
107
00:04:07,794 --> 00:04:13,265
Oh, um...
108
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:16,602
Stimpy.
109
00:04:16,636 --> 00:04:18,370
Pretty much Stimpy.
110
00:04:18,405 --> 00:04:19,505
I have boys too.
111
00:04:19,539 --> 00:04:21,106
I'll tell you,
sometimes they can be
112
00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:22,808
a real couple
of you know whats.
113
00:04:22,842 --> 00:04:23,942
[bleep] ass[bleep]?
114
00:04:23,977 --> 00:04:26,044
You're preaching
to the choir, Riyaz.
115
00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:29,148
Stimpy, don't you give me
that look.
116
00:04:29,182 --> 00:04:31,683
You're gonna get it
when your mama comes home.
117
00:04:31,718 --> 00:04:33,885
Oh, my,
sounds like your wife is...
118
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,688
Bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riyaz.
119
00:04:36,723 --> 00:04:39,124
Hot little biscuit, though.
120
00:04:39,158 --> 00:04:40,459
Name's Claire.
121
00:04:40,493 --> 00:04:42,328
Body: ten,
face: ten.
122
00:04:42,362 --> 00:04:46,099
So pretty much hit that
every night.
123
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:48,267
Sexually.
124
00:04:48,302 --> 00:04:50,370
Anyway,
what's holding up the--
125
00:04:50,404 --> 00:04:51,905
Oh, one moment.
126
00:04:51,939 --> 00:04:54,907
And how old is your son?
127
00:04:54,942 --> 00:04:58,278
- 15.
- 15?
128
00:04:58,312 --> 00:05:00,914
And he still wants
a Superman bed.
129
00:05:00,948 --> 00:05:03,917
Ah, a late-bloomer.
130
00:05:03,951 --> 00:05:06,186
Enjoy it
while you still can.
131
00:05:06,220 --> 00:05:08,388
He'll grow out of the toys
any day now.
132
00:05:08,422 --> 00:05:10,791
They all do,
and, the second
133
00:05:10,825 --> 00:05:12,392
he starts hooking up
with the girls,
134
00:05:12,427 --> 00:05:15,563
he'll forget all about that
Superman and Spider-Man stuff.
135
00:05:15,597 --> 00:05:18,299
Pretty much seems
like how it would happen.
136
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:19,800
Maybe then
he'll stop bothering me
137
00:05:19,835 --> 00:05:23,037
with all those stupid, little
facts about how those characters
138
00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:25,173
you just named are clearly
from two distinct
139
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:27,275
and separate universes.
140
00:05:27,309 --> 00:05:28,876
Sadly, some people
never move on.
141
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,911
Sad?
I got a better word for you.
142
00:05:30,945 --> 00:05:31,912
Pathetic.
143
00:05:31,946 --> 00:05:33,747
Well,
I wouldn't say pathetic.
144
00:05:33,781 --> 00:05:37,117
Hey, I calls 'em
likes I sees 'em, Riyaz,
145
00:05:37,151 --> 00:05:39,920
and I don'st tolerate nerds.
146
00:05:39,954 --> 00:05:41,822
In fact, let me nip this
in the bud real quick.
147
00:05:41,856 --> 00:05:45,025
Stimpy, Stimpy,
get back in here.
148
00:05:45,060 --> 00:05:46,627
- Well, I didn't mean to--
- There you are
149
00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:50,330
with your round body
and your creepy-ass face.
150
00:05:50,365 --> 00:05:52,967
No more sweets for you, 'cause
you're never gonna get laid
151
00:05:53,001 --> 00:05:54,768
if you keeps eating sweets!
152
00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:57,071
And another thing!
153
00:05:57,105 --> 00:06:01,075
All these figurines and toys
you got around the house,
154
00:06:01,109 --> 00:06:02,676
we're throwing 'em
in the trash,
155
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,578
'cause they're not real people,
Stimpy.
156
00:06:04,612 --> 00:06:07,781
They're not real people,
so stop being so lonely.
157
00:06:07,816 --> 00:06:11,151
Stop being so lonely.
158
00:06:15,824 --> 00:06:20,127
Well--and this is none
of my business, of course,
159
00:06:20,161 --> 00:06:26,133
but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.
160
00:06:26,167 --> 00:06:27,868
Oh, [bleep]!
161
00:06:27,902 --> 00:06:29,269
Stimpy just jumped
out the window.
162
00:06:29,303 --> 00:06:31,637
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, he killed himself.
163
00:06:31,672 --> 00:06:32,938
Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.
164
00:06:32,972 --> 00:06:33,939
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
165
00:06:33,973 --> 00:06:35,106
I'm gonna call the cops.
166
00:06:35,141 --> 00:06:36,575
Don't you dare cancel
that reorder.
167
00:06:36,609 --> 00:06:40,011
It's the only thing
I'll have to remember him by.
168
00:06:50,936 --> 00:06:54,339
Hey, you remember
the anti-drug advertisements?
169
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:56,040
- Yes.
- This is my favorite
170
00:06:56,075 --> 00:06:57,041
anti-drug ad.
171
00:06:57,076 --> 00:07:00,311
My favorite anti-drug ad was...
172
00:07:00,346 --> 00:07:02,680
"What is this?
173
00:07:02,715 --> 00:07:05,783
What is this, son?"
174
00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:09,286
You know.
"Found this in your room.
175
00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:12,489
"Marijuana!
176
00:07:12,524 --> 00:07:13,991
"Who taught you to do this?"
177
00:07:14,026 --> 00:07:17,462
"I learned it
from watching you, dad!"
178
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,107
If you're 14 and you see that,
where I'm from,
179
00:07:30,142 --> 00:07:31,742
You go, "That's the coolest dad
in the world."
180
00:07:31,776 --> 00:07:34,545
That's the coolest dad.
181
00:07:40,618 --> 00:07:42,553
Nobody likes you, you girl.
182
00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,556
Well, you're a different color
than me,
183
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:45,957
and that's bad.
184
00:07:45,992 --> 00:07:47,960
Oh, yeah?
Well, you dress like--
185
00:07:47,994 --> 00:07:50,095
Now hold on a second!
186
00:07:50,130 --> 00:07:53,265
Whoa! Mr. T?
187
00:07:53,299 --> 00:07:55,233
Never make fun
of a way a man dresses.
188
00:07:55,268 --> 00:07:57,436
The way a man dresses
is his business.
189
00:07:57,470 --> 00:07:59,071
Remember that.
190
00:07:59,105 --> 00:08:01,040
Whether it's overalls,
chains,
191
00:08:01,074 --> 00:08:03,542
or feather earrings,
however they dress,
192
00:08:03,577 --> 00:08:05,044
it's not to be joked about.
193
00:08:05,078 --> 00:08:10,549
I pity the fool that judges
another man's clothing.
194
00:08:10,584 --> 00:08:11,917
I'm sorry
I judged your clothing.
195
00:08:11,952 --> 00:08:14,420
It's okay.
196
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,493
Hey, Scout, there's a man
over there
197
00:08:22,527 --> 00:08:24,528
who said he'll give us candy
if we get in his van.
198
00:08:24,563 --> 00:08:27,197
Oh, I don't know
If that's a good idea, Timmy.
199
00:08:27,232 --> 00:08:29,033
What are you afraid of?
200
00:08:29,067 --> 00:08:31,835
Is it because you have
a stupid name like Scout?
201
00:08:31,870 --> 00:08:36,006
- Hey!
- Whoa! Mr. T again.
202
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,574
Never make fun
of a person's name.
203
00:08:37,609 --> 00:08:39,276
Your mama gave you
that name,
204
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:41,611
or you made it up
for business purposes.
205
00:08:41,645 --> 00:08:43,645
Either way, it's personal.
206
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,281
I pity the fool that make fun
of another man's name.
207
00:08:46,315 --> 00:08:49,551
Mr. T's a cool name.
It's a cool name, Mr. T.
208
00:08:55,224 --> 00:08:57,092
Hey, Scout,
want to do some drugs?
209
00:08:57,126 --> 00:08:59,727
Aren't drugs bad?
210
00:08:59,762 --> 00:09:01,996
I don't know.
211
00:09:05,334 --> 00:09:06,434
If you're afraid of drugs,
212
00:09:06,468 --> 00:09:09,136
we could drink
a bunch of alcohol.
213
00:09:09,171 --> 00:09:11,739
Yum, that sounds good.
214
00:09:16,844 --> 00:09:19,947
Well, guess what,
your hair is stupid.
215
00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:22,249
Never make fun
of another person's hair!
216
00:09:22,284 --> 00:09:25,086
- Hey, Mr. T.
- A person's hair
217
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,955
is the artwork that they present
to the heavens.
218
00:09:27,989 --> 00:09:30,290
It's just like
I've been saying...
219
00:09:35,129 --> 00:09:37,564
♪ Hair
220
00:09:37,599 --> 00:09:39,499
♪ It isn't fair
221
00:09:41,535 --> 00:09:44,804
♪ Beware
222
00:09:44,838 --> 00:09:46,839
♪ People care
About their hair ♪
223
00:09:49,810 --> 00:09:53,045
♪ "H" is for the home
where I lay my head ♪
224
00:09:53,079 --> 00:09:55,180
♪ And I cry
about your mean jokes ♪
225
00:09:55,215 --> 00:09:56,749
♪ in my bed
226
00:09:56,783 --> 00:10:00,185
♪ "A" is for anxiety
that fools provoke ♪
227
00:10:00,219 --> 00:10:04,256
♪ When they lookin' at my hair
and they makin' jokes ♪
228
00:10:04,290 --> 00:10:07,893
♪ "I" is for I don't like
the way I feel ♪
229
00:10:07,927 --> 00:10:12,064
♪ When you're jokin' that
my haircut does not appeal ♪
230
00:10:12,098 --> 00:10:15,233
♪ "R" is for the real mean jokes
you make ♪
231
00:10:15,267 --> 00:10:20,205
♪ And the hurtful
little potshots that you take ♪
232
00:10:20,239 --> 00:10:22,941
And, for your information,
it's not even a haircut.
233
00:10:22,976 --> 00:10:26,612
It's a rare form
of male pattern baldness.
234
00:10:26,646 --> 00:10:29,548
You fools!
235
00:10:43,863 --> 00:10:44,862
For real.
236
00:10:52,971 --> 00:10:55,606
- What's up?
- Last night on Showtimes,
237
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:58,943
I saw some Lethal Weapon 2.
238
00:10:58,977 --> 00:11:02,546
Lethal Weapon 2 starring
the racist-ass Melly Gibsons?
239
00:11:02,581 --> 00:11:05,717
I know, I know, but I got
to tell you right up front
240
00:11:05,751 --> 00:11:08,019
and truthfully,
241
00:11:08,053 --> 00:11:10,756
racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still kind of my [bleep].
242
00:11:15,594 --> 00:11:16,894
He's still my [bleep], dog.
243
00:11:16,928 --> 00:11:19,797
I don't know, dog,
racist-ass Melly Gibsons?
244
00:11:19,832 --> 00:11:21,065
Dude, I know, I know,
but think about it, man.
245
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,267
Think about it.
remember when he jacked up
246
00:11:23,302 --> 00:11:25,203
all them mutants
into Road Warriors?
247
00:11:25,237 --> 00:11:26,705
Talkin' about...
248
00:11:26,739 --> 00:11:28,440
Bitch was like, "There's
nothing in here but sand."
249
00:11:28,474 --> 00:11:30,175
- Yeah.
- And then remember
250
00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:32,644
when he had taken that hatchet
and chopped up
251
00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:35,447
all them Englands, remember,
in The Patriot?
252
00:11:35,481 --> 00:11:37,416
And did it in front
of all his kids.
253
00:11:37,450 --> 00:11:40,752
You know what,
though?
254
00:11:40,786 --> 00:11:42,887
Racist-ass Melly Gibsons
is still my [bleep] too.
255
00:11:42,921 --> 00:11:44,255
- Dog.
- Remember when racist-ass
256
00:11:44,289 --> 00:11:46,890
Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group
in Bravehearts?
257
00:11:46,924 --> 00:11:48,058
- Oh, my God, dogs.
- They was chopping off
258
00:11:48,092 --> 00:11:49,326
my man's head.
259
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,827
My man was still talking
about...
260
00:11:50,862 --> 00:11:52,462
freedom!
261
00:11:53,865 --> 00:11:55,766
Or what about
Conspiracy Theories, though?
262
00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,901
- What? Oh, come on, man.
- What the [bleep]
263
00:11:57,936 --> 00:11:59,503
about Conspiracy Theories,
though?
264
00:11:59,537 --> 00:12:02,473
What the [bleep] about
Conspiracy Theories, though?
265
00:12:02,507 --> 00:12:05,309
What is going on?
266
00:12:05,344 --> 00:12:06,477
- Come on.
- You know racist-ass
267
00:12:06,512 --> 00:12:08,079
- Melly Gibsons be directing too.
- Hells, yeah.
268
00:12:08,113 --> 00:12:11,649
- What about Apocalypto?
- yo, racist-ass Melly Gibsons
269
00:12:11,684 --> 00:12:13,651
be telling the story
of a bunch of crazy-ass,
270
00:12:13,686 --> 00:12:14,919
old-fashioned Mexicans?
271
00:12:14,954 --> 00:12:15,954
who have been in the jungle
272
00:12:15,988 --> 00:12:17,722
getting chased by a panther.
273
00:12:17,756 --> 00:12:19,090
- Yeah, yeah.
- My man's straight up going...
274
00:12:23,629 --> 00:12:25,997
Man, and what about that
Passions of the Christ, though?
275
00:12:26,032 --> 00:12:27,098
Passions of the Christ,
though.
276
00:12:27,133 --> 00:12:28,333
Passions of the Christ.
277
00:12:28,367 --> 00:12:29,534
Passions of the Christ
where racist-ass
278
00:12:29,568 --> 00:12:30,702
Melly Gibsons made that movie
about Jesus
279
00:12:30,736 --> 00:12:32,137
in a kind of racist-ass way?
280
00:12:32,171 --> 00:12:33,204
- That was my jam.
- And you know
281
00:12:33,239 --> 00:12:34,506
what I just realized,
though?
282
00:12:34,540 --> 00:12:35,740
What's that, dog?
What's that?
283
00:12:35,775 --> 00:12:36,942
You know what would be
my [bleep]?
284
00:12:36,976 --> 00:12:38,410
What would be your [bleep],
though?
285
00:12:38,444 --> 00:12:40,012
If racist-ass Melly Gibsons
286
00:12:40,046 --> 00:12:42,948
costarred in a movie
with Jesus.
287
00:12:42,982 --> 00:12:45,917
Wait, now you talking
about the savior of all?
288
00:12:45,952 --> 00:12:48,353
The King of all Kings?
The Alpha and the Omega?
289
00:12:48,387 --> 00:12:50,789
And Jesus.
290
00:12:50,823 --> 00:12:53,324
That would be my...
291
00:12:53,359 --> 00:12:58,129
♪ [bleep]
292
00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:10,038
For this segment,
we're not gonna have
293
00:13:10,072 --> 00:13:11,906
a big, huge preamble here.
294
00:13:11,941 --> 00:13:15,944
I just simply want
to say that this scene,
295
00:13:15,979 --> 00:13:18,213
this offering if you will,
296
00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:20,915
is for the ladies.
297
00:13:24,147 --> 00:13:25,948
- What up, homies?
- Welcome to...
298
00:13:25,983 --> 00:13:27,550
- Cunnilingus class.
- I'm Shaboots Michaels.
299
00:13:27,585 --> 00:13:28,985
I'm T-Ray Tombstone.
300
00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:30,153
And we're here to teach y'all
how to...
301
00:13:30,188 --> 00:13:31,688
go down on bitches right.
302
00:13:31,722 --> 00:13:33,189
Now bitches ain't being
satisfied, so check it.
303
00:13:33,224 --> 00:13:34,958
Quit sucking
on that [bleep] so damn hard.
304
00:13:34,992 --> 00:13:36,326
Bitches don't like
that nonsense.
305
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:37,594
That's like putting the tip
306
00:13:37,628 --> 00:13:38,895
of your penis
in the vacuum.
307
00:13:38,930 --> 00:13:41,098
- Y'all need to...
- chill on the [bleep].
308
00:13:41,132 --> 00:13:43,233
- Go around that business.
- That's like a button
309
00:13:43,268 --> 00:13:44,602
made of a million penis tops.
310
00:13:44,636 --> 00:13:46,270
Now every bitch
like her cunnilingus
311
00:13:46,304 --> 00:13:48,339
- a little bit different.
- Vaginas are like snowflakes.
312
00:13:48,373 --> 00:13:50,641
Snowflakes is different.
Learn your bitch's snowflake.
313
00:13:50,675 --> 00:13:52,075
Ask your bitch
what she wants.
314
00:13:52,110 --> 00:13:53,811
Then do what she says.
315
00:13:53,845 --> 00:13:55,045
Some bitches like it
in circles.
316
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,113
Some bitches
like it up and down.
317
00:13:56,147 --> 00:13:57,481
Some bitches like it hard.
318
00:13:57,515 --> 00:13:58,749
Some bitches like it soft.
319
00:13:58,783 --> 00:14:00,851
Communicate
with your bitches.
320
00:14:00,885 --> 00:14:02,119
Make the alphabet
with your tongue.
321
00:14:02,153 --> 00:14:04,454
A-B-C-D...
322
00:14:04,489 --> 00:14:05,622
And when she grab your hair
323
00:14:05,656 --> 00:14:06,923
like she gonna pull
your damn head off...
324
00:14:06,958 --> 00:14:08,826
stay with that letter.
325
00:14:08,860 --> 00:14:11,629
I'm talking about B...
326
00:14:11,663 --> 00:14:13,496
or D...
327
00:14:13,531 --> 00:14:15,498
Vaginas deserve respect.
328
00:14:15,532 --> 00:14:17,033
You don't want someone
slapping around
329
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:19,702
your little homey.
330
00:14:19,736 --> 00:14:20,970
- You with the hat.
- Yo.
331
00:14:21,004 --> 00:14:22,338
How you like your BJs?
332
00:14:22,373 --> 00:14:25,007
Damn, dog,
all the time.
333
00:14:25,042 --> 00:14:26,642
Shut the [bleep] up!
334
00:14:26,677 --> 00:14:27,944
That's 'cause penises is easy,
335
00:14:27,978 --> 00:14:29,045
and vaginas is hard.
336
00:14:29,079 --> 00:14:31,647
- They're...
- confusing!
337
00:14:31,682 --> 00:14:34,117
Imagine there's an explosion
at the envelope factory.
338
00:14:34,151 --> 00:14:35,818
Flaps everywhere.
A world of flaps.
339
00:14:35,853 --> 00:14:37,987
And you need to lick your way
out the factory.
340
00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:39,689
But every bitch's flaps
is different.
341
00:14:39,723 --> 00:14:41,390
Learn your bitch's
particular flaps.
342
00:14:41,425 --> 00:14:43,926
- Flaps be...
- crazy!
343
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,561
Every flap
need to be listened to.
344
00:14:45,595 --> 00:14:47,210
And then you will get out
of that factory alive.
345
00:14:47,282 --> 00:14:48,230
Stay down there.
346
00:14:48,265 --> 00:14:51,033
Plan your breathing
like your swimming.
347
00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:53,069
- You gotta be talking about...
- stroke, stroke, breathe.
348
00:14:53,103 --> 00:14:54,504
Stroke, stroke, breathe.
349
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:57,740
All right.
Let's take a five-minute break.
350
00:14:57,775 --> 00:14:59,041
And when we come back,
we gonna talk
351
00:14:59,076 --> 00:15:00,276
about warming your bitches up
before you get busy.
352
00:15:00,310 --> 00:15:02,044
And how to last
for more than two damn minutes.
353
00:15:02,079 --> 00:15:03,479
Take a peach and practice.
354
00:15:03,513 --> 00:15:04,780
- Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.
355
00:15:04,814 --> 00:15:06,148
- Practice on a peach.
- Take a peach and practice.
356
00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:08,184
- Practice on a peach.
357
00:15:17,461 --> 00:15:20,430
Well, I think
it's gonna work.
358
00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:23,833
30 down,
3 billion to go.
359
00:15:34,182 --> 00:15:35,749
Welcome to Metta World News.
360
00:15:35,783 --> 00:15:38,652
Our top story--
ninja costumes don't come
361
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,255
in size triple-X,
which is discriminatory
362
00:15:41,289 --> 00:15:44,057
against enormous assassins.
363
00:15:44,092 --> 00:15:47,994
Do you know what?
Forget about the teleprompter.
364
00:15:48,029 --> 00:15:50,496
I need to speak
from the heart.
365
00:15:50,531 --> 00:15:52,265
Well, that wraps up
Metta World News
366
00:15:52,299 --> 00:15:54,367
for this Wednesday,
May Staple Gun Hairbrush.
367
00:15:54,401 --> 00:15:57,403
I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.
368
00:16:03,238 --> 00:16:04,839
I made this mistake
in the past.
369
00:16:04,873 --> 00:16:09,944
If there's any question whether
a woman's pregnant or not,
370
00:16:09,978 --> 00:16:12,013
just don't say [bleep]
about it.
371
00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:13,915
This is what happened to me.
Just be the woman.
372
00:16:13,949 --> 00:16:15,483
Hey, Jordan.
373
00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:17,418
I said,
"Oh, congratulations."
374
00:16:17,452 --> 00:16:19,220
Congratulations for what?
375
00:16:23,992 --> 00:16:26,995
Hoo-hoo.
376
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,463
And now I'm at the point where,
I don't care
377
00:16:28,498 --> 00:16:29,664
how many signals I get,
378
00:16:29,699 --> 00:16:32,267
I just won't even say anything.
379
00:16:34,003 --> 00:16:36,905
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm with you.
380
00:16:38,508 --> 00:16:41,643
- It's contractions now.
- Yeah, I got some gas myself.
381
00:16:44,013 --> 00:16:47,115
- Oh, God.
- I'm gonna sit down with you.
382
00:16:47,149 --> 00:16:49,184
- Oh!
- I'm gonna sit down with you.
383
00:16:49,218 --> 00:16:52,354
Me and you are--
384
00:16:52,388 --> 00:16:53,522
Oh, that is...
385
00:16:53,557 --> 00:16:55,992
Looks like,
but I can't be sure...
386
00:16:56,027 --> 00:16:57,861
I can't be sure.
387
00:16:57,896 --> 00:16:59,196
Mwah.
388
00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:00,898
Okay, that's clearly a child.
389
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:02,299
Congratulations
on your pregnancy.
390
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,501
- I'm not pregnant. What the--
- What the--
391
00:17:08,206 --> 00:17:09,206
Thank you, sir.
392
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,408
All right.
393
00:17:11,443 --> 00:17:14,679
All right, how's everybody--
How's everybody doing?
394
00:17:15,714 --> 00:17:16,881
All right,
and you guys
395
00:17:16,915 --> 00:17:18,615
- can all hear me okay?
- Yeah.
396
00:17:18,650 --> 00:17:20,017
I know this guy
can right here.
397
00:17:20,051 --> 00:17:21,618
Boy, this guy's ears
are so big,
398
00:17:21,652 --> 00:17:23,119
He's laughing at jokes
from the Yuk-Yuk Club
399
00:17:23,154 --> 00:17:24,421
all the way
on the other side of town.
400
00:17:25,890 --> 00:17:27,124
All right.
401
00:17:27,158 --> 00:17:28,859
And you, sir,
you're doing okay?
402
00:17:28,893 --> 00:17:30,695
And you're getting enough
to eat?
403
00:17:30,729 --> 00:17:31,996
Is that even possible?
404
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:34,833
Thank you, sir.
405
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:35,901
Folks, I'm sorry,
406
00:17:35,935 --> 00:17:37,068
I'm gonna get everybody tonight.
407
00:17:37,103 --> 00:17:39,404
Nobody is safe.
I'm getting everybody.
408
00:17:39,438 --> 00:17:41,205
Except for you, sir.
I'm gonna leave you alone.
409
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:44,042
Just like your date did tonight.
Hello!
410
00:17:44,076 --> 00:17:45,343
Huh?
All right.
411
00:17:45,378 --> 00:17:46,945
Okay, who's next?
412
00:17:46,979 --> 00:17:50,415
Who is next?
413
00:17:54,486 --> 00:17:59,825
Hey, ma'am, I get it,
you have breasts, okay?
414
00:17:59,859 --> 00:18:00,959
Jeez, I mean,
look at this chick over here.
415
00:18:00,994 --> 00:18:02,394
Her cleavage is giving
the Grand Canyon
416
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,263
an inferiority complex.
417
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,169
You skipped me.
418
00:18:10,203 --> 00:18:11,770
Who's talking right now?
419
00:18:11,804 --> 00:18:13,838
Do me.
420
00:18:13,873 --> 00:18:16,007
Yeah, hey, man.
421
00:18:16,042 --> 00:18:18,477
Look at that pink shirt
you got on there.
422
00:18:18,511 --> 00:18:23,148
Wow, where'd you get that?
Queertshirts.com?
423
00:18:23,183 --> 00:18:27,486
It's in support
Of breast cancer awareness.
424
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,021
I am gay, though.
425
00:18:30,056 --> 00:18:31,089
Okay.
426
00:18:31,123 --> 00:18:32,190
Go for it.
427
00:18:32,225 --> 00:18:34,559
I can take it.
428
00:18:34,593 --> 00:18:37,461
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
429
00:18:37,496 --> 00:18:40,197
No, hey, yeah, don't you worry
about that, man.
430
00:18:40,232 --> 00:18:41,599
Gloves are coming off.
431
00:18:41,633 --> 00:18:44,636
Okay.
432
00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:48,073
Right there, right there, what's
with the three drinks, man?
433
00:18:48,107 --> 00:18:50,242
Alcoholic much?
434
00:18:50,276 --> 00:18:52,778
This
is my pain medication.
435
00:18:52,812 --> 00:18:55,180
Of [bleep] course it is.
436
00:18:55,214 --> 00:18:57,048
It's your pain medication.
437
00:18:57,083 --> 00:19:01,621
'cause he is in pain.
438
00:19:01,655 --> 00:19:03,356
Right now.
439
00:19:03,390 --> 00:19:07,894
Make fun of the burns.
440
00:19:07,928 --> 00:19:09,829
Make fun of the--
What did you say?
441
00:19:09,864 --> 00:19:13,767
Because here's the problem, sir,
is it's really dark in here,
442
00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:15,735
and, sorry, are you burned?
Because I can't make it out.
443
00:19:15,770 --> 00:19:17,537
Thanks so much, ma'am,
for illuminating him.
444
00:19:17,571 --> 00:19:20,840
Thank you.
That's--I appreciate that.
445
00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:25,145
- Oh, those burns.
- Make fun of the robot voice.
446
00:19:25,179 --> 00:19:27,214
Sir, I don't know.
447
00:19:27,248 --> 00:19:28,716
Come on,
I can take it.
448
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,752
Okay, well, no,
You know what?
449
00:19:30,786 --> 00:19:32,220
- I feel--
- Or the wheelchair.
450
00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:35,089
Look, sir,
there is nothing funny
451
00:19:35,123 --> 00:19:36,824
about you being
in a wheelchair,
452
00:19:36,858 --> 00:19:39,026
- and we can all--
- Oh, but there is something
453
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:41,628
funny about me being fat?
454
00:19:41,662 --> 00:19:43,096
- All right.
All right, fine.
455
00:19:43,131 --> 00:19:44,364
Fine. I've got it.
I've got it.
456
00:19:44,399 --> 00:19:45,832
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
457
00:19:45,867 --> 00:19:47,234
I just didn't want to go
after this guy
458
00:19:47,268 --> 00:19:51,772
'cause I didn't want him
to kill me in my dreams.
459
00:19:51,806 --> 00:19:53,474
Like Freddy Krueger.
460
00:19:54,810 --> 00:19:56,077
Come on.
461
00:19:56,111 --> 00:19:57,778
'cause--no?
462
00:19:57,813 --> 00:20:01,815
You know, 'cause how Freddy
Krueger's face is burned off.
463
00:20:01,850 --> 00:20:04,252
That's not...
464
00:20:13,729 --> 00:20:18,332
- You ass[bleep].
- He said he could take it.
465
00:20:18,366 --> 00:20:19,400
That's what he said.
466
00:20:19,434 --> 00:20:21,869
I thought I could,
but I can't.
467
00:20:21,903 --> 00:20:23,371
How is this on me?
468
00:20:23,405 --> 00:20:25,539
How do we even know
if he's crying right now?
469
00:20:28,543 --> 00:20:30,377
I don't know that sound.
470
00:20:30,411 --> 00:20:32,845
It just sounds
like an electronic sound.
471
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,616
The tears,
they burn.
472
00:20:36,650 --> 00:20:40,753
He said he could take it.
He s--
473
00:20:44,691 --> 00:20:47,493
Fellows, gentlemen,
it's time for you to go home
474
00:20:47,528 --> 00:20:48,628
and practice on a peach.
475
00:20:48,662 --> 00:20:49,829
Take a peach and practice.
476
00:20:49,864 --> 00:20:51,531
Take a peach
and practice.
477
00:20:51,565 --> 00:20:53,166
- There you go.
- There's a peach for you.
478
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,500
- Take a peach and practice.
- Peach.
479
00:20:54,535 --> 00:20:57,870
- Peach.
- Got one? Got one?
480
00:20:57,904 --> 00:21:00,681
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
481
00:21:00,763 --> 00:21:02,730
Oh, yeah.
34940
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