All language subtitles for K.a.P.S03E05.Obama.Shutdown.1080p.BluRay.DDP.5.1.H.265.-EDGE2020_iris2

Hey! You know what?

Let me hit that.

- Really?
- I can handle it.

I am certain
that you cannot.

Nah, come on, I smoked
a ton of weed in the '90s.

Right, the '90s.

Um, you know, weed has gotten
a lot stronger since then.

You honestly think
It's gotten so much stronger

that I just flat-out
can't handle it?

You think
I'm such a lightweight,

That if I take
one puff--

Keegan, you already
took a puff an hour ago.

We've had the same conversation
15 times in a row.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?
Let me hit that.

Really?

Thank you.

Thank you so much
for coming out.

- I am Keegan-Michael Key.
- I'm Jordan Peele.

- And we are Key and Peele.
- Yes, we are.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

We wanna talk about the ladies
for a second.

We wanna talk about them
and to them.

- Hey.
- Hey!

You guys, have you ever just
woken up in trouble somehow?

Like, "How did I get
in trouble

"during an unconscious state?"

You just walk--
Sometimes, you'll just walk

into the kitchen
in the morning,

just be like,
"Hey, what's goin' on?

- "You look nice."
- Yeah.

What does that mean?

You look nice.

I mean, I'm sayin'
you look nice.

So what, was I [bleep]
ugly yesterday?

No, I'm saying
You look good today.

That's all I'm saying!

So what am I gonna
look like tomorrow?

- A monster?
- No--what? No.

I'm just saying you're probably
gonna look great tomorrow too.

probably?
What the hell is "probably?"

I don't...

I mean, you're sure
I'm beautiful, or you're not.

I'm--I'm sorry that you're
[bleep] beautiful.

You don't sound sure.

I said [bleep].
What more--

How more serious
can I be?

Oh.
Oh, nice.

That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

Isn't it? Sex?

I didn't say anything
about sex!

You didn't have to.

Ooh, honey,
I am tired.

I am going to bed.

Good night.

Uh, well...

Is everything okay?

- well, that's, uh--

It's--it's just
that I was hoping that--

Well, that we could--

And I-I wanna make
this clear.

I-I-I wanna
be straightforward.

I want to have a--

Okay.
Uh, Luther?

Are you available
to translate?

Yes, ma'am.

I really was hoping we could
spend some time together.

When was the last time
we had sex, woman?

Reelection night?

What does a brother
not named "Bill Clinton"

have to do to get some [bleep]
in this house?

Well, you have been
very busy lately.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

You know what?

If I could j--can
we get your translator?

Oh, yes, certainly.
Uh, Catendra?

Yeah, honey?

Could you please translate

"Well, you have been
very busy lately."

- Sure.
- Hm.

My [bleep] ain't
one of your limousines

that you can jump
in and out of

whenever you feel like.

I don't see you
all day,

then you want
a booty call?

I need an emotional
connection, [bleep].

Thought this was romantic.

I'm [bleep]in'
tryin', bitch!

Can't you see?

I'm playin'
the romantic music.

I got the pinot
in the glasses.

What more do you want
from me?

An engraved invitation
from my nuts?

maybe we should make
a date.

What am I supposed
to do,

jump out of my clothes
every time

Little Barry stands
at attention?

You ain't my commander-in-chief,
mother-[bleep],

and my vagina ain't some cave
in the Middle East

you can fly
your heat-seeking missile into

whenever you feel
like it.

Well, I-I didn't mean
to call you,

but I-I had meetings
all day long.

I'm dealin' with these
mother-[bleep] Republicans

hearin' "No, no, no"
all day long.

Then I come home,
and you ain't gonna let me

get my jam on
up in here?

Well, you know,
I have had a busy day too.

You act like I ain't got
nothin' else to do, [bleep].

I got
these obese mother-[bleep]

on my ass 24/7.

What's more important--
you gettin' your wick dipped

or some eight-year-old fat-ass
collapsin' in his bunk bed?

Okay.

You seem to be forgettin'
job number one.

You are my secretary
of [bleep], bitch!

Get to work!

You.

Luther?
Catendra?

Oh, yes, yes, sir.

We'll--we'll take it
from here.

- Absolutely--yes, sir.
- Yes, ma'am.

Good night.
Good night.

- Come here.
- Oh, this feels good.

Um, Mom?
Dad?

I know you already said
that I can't go,

but can I please go
to the party tonight?

Malia, use your translator.

If you don't let me go
to this party,

I will get a tattoo

on my face.

- Have fun.
- Yeah.

The second amendment
Of the Constitution states

that a well-regulated militia,
being necessary

for the security
of a free state,

the right of the people
to keep and bear arms

shall not be infringed.

- Here, here.
- Yes.

Please, gentlemen,

we need all
of your signatures.

Gentlemen.

A point of order.

What if someone made
a gun

that could shoot, say,

50 people
in 30 seconds?

Congressman Peele, we have
many orders of business today,

one of which is not judging
your sense of humor,

prodigious as
it may be.

Then one man

would be able to walk
into a crowded area

and kill scores upon scores
of people

before anyone would have
a chance to stop him.

Congressman Peele,

Where are you getting
these harebrained ideas?

How could
you possibly know

what the future holds?

Because I am
from the future.

I know what this amendment
will bring,

And I cannot let
any of you sign it.

I did it.

Did you see the--
the muskets he had?

Magnificent.

Hand me the quill so I can
draw them before I forget.

Damn it.

Um, any--any basketball fans
In the house tonight?

This is Los Angeles,
home of the Lakers,

home of the Clippers.

Basketball is--is--
is mesmerizing to us

because it--it--besides--
except for soldiers,

athletes are like
the toughest dudes we have.

- Exactly.
- Right?

They're just big, tough,

you know, masculine,
physical dudes.

Why they always
be floppin'?

You'll see dudes
not anywhere near

another guy floppin'.

You'll see a dude
comin' down.

And he--my man's
like pop, pop, pop, pop.

He's comin' down the court.
He's like--

- Cude, dude--dude over here,
I'm blockin' him.

- Oh, see.
- Come on--come on, man.

This dude.

- Oh.
- Me?

Me?

Oh, no, but no.
But, ref, but how?

That's against physics, y'all.
That's against physics.

This dude's gettin'
a free throw shot.

- Ttin'
- A free throw shot.

I'm gonna take my foul shot
right here.

- Ooh.
- No. No.

I didn't do nothin'.

Still scoreless with only
a few moments remaining.

Travino passes to Federnoir.
Sly tackle by Gazza.

Clearly a flop.
No contact made.

It all comes down to this
as the Power Falcons prepare

to take the free kick.

This is the last chance
to win the game.

These are the dying seconds
of the match.

And what is this?
Can you believe it?

Federnoir is back
from the bench.

He's alive and
he's taking the free kick.

He shoots. he scores.
Oh, my!

So many rules clearly broken
leading up to that goal,

but they've allowed it.

Power Falcons win
this match!

You ever at a party,

and the people are just having
a conversation

that's just impossible
to break into?

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes, breaking
into a conversation,

It's--it's difficult,
like getting into

a-a double `utch
jump rope session.

- Yeah, exactly.
- You know what I mean?

You gotta pick the--
pick the right spot.

Or--or people will
look at you weird.

Just like--
♪ I think the Oakland Raiders ♪

♪ Might be good this year ♪

♪ This might be the year ♪

♪ They got a new dude ♪

♪ He's playin' quarterback ♪

♪ And he's the one
that I think ♪

♪ Could bring them back ♪

♪ We are the team to beat
in the AFC♪

♪ Forget San Diego ♪

♪ The Chargers
are the worst-- ♪

♪ I don't watch football
I don't watch football ♪

♪ I am more
of a basketball-- ♪

Oh, my God.
Oh, [bleep].

Whoa.

Hi.

That wasn't--
expected to see you

all undulatin' up here.

Uh, hi.

I just put my jacket
on the bed

when I first came
to the party,

but I didn't realize
that the party

made its way
up here.

But I'll get
that now.

I will, if you--

Carol, I don't know
if you're in there somewhere,

but wherever you are,

thank you
for the invitation.

I really enjoyed myself.

I'll see you
at work tomorrow.

Okay, hey, sir, I think
I see my jacket.

I think--I think your arm
is in the sleeve, actually.

I'll grab--
that's not my jacket,

and that's
not your arm.

It's not your arm.
White people are crazy.

White people are crazy.
just lookin' for a jacket.

Sir, okay, yes,
Very nice mustache.

I've never seen one
above the nose.

That's interesting.
That's not your nose.

Okay, sorry
to disturb you, sir.

Just lookin' for
a jacket,

just a ordinary man
lookin' for a jacket.

You wanna say something
to me, sir?

Are you try--
Oh, wait a minute.

Mm-mm.
No, thank you very much, sir.

It tasted a little bit
like salty butt hole,

but that's okay.

It's tweed,
the jacket I'm talking about,

and it's got leather patches
on it.

Just--oh, maybe
this is it.

Thank you, found it, and--
nope, that's not it,

but congratulations, ma'am.

You are doing great
with what God gave you.

Nope, don't look at me
in the eyes, ma'am.

I don't want you
to steal my soul.

Hi, ladies.
Very nice to meet you.

And, sir,
yes, I do see you too.

Okay, yes.
White people are crazy.

Oh, no, I'm--I'm okay.
I really am.

I'm already seeing
a-a group of people,

And we're
taking it slowly.

We are
taking it slowly.

It's a church.

Maybe some of y'all
would be interested

in looking into that.

Not mine,
but one somewhere,

If that's--
Okay, thank you, ma'am, for--

There it is.
I found it.

Found the jacket.
It's right here.

I'ma pull it,
and I believe

it might be lost somewhere
within you.

I'm just guessing
because that

is just a little bit
of resistance.

All right,
There we go.

And you know what?
That is going to be yours.

Keep it, thank you.
Cover yourselves up.

Carol, if you're
in there,

I'll see you
at the office tomorrow.

Just bring the bowl.
You can finish the egg salad.

My God,
White people crazy.

Welcome to Metta
World News.

I wish

there was a genie
in here.

Well, that wraps up
Metta World News

For this Wednesday,
March Hybrid Ice Rink.

I'm Metta World Peace.
Good night.

Hey, Jay,
where is that genie?

The spoiler alert
started in a--

You know, pretty--
you know, not long ago.

But now, everybody's talking
about spoiler alerts

all the time.

We hate spoiler alerts,

and the thing is
do not tell me

that you're not gonna ruin
the movie for me.

But by you saying,
"I'm not gonna ruin it,"

you're already ruining it.

I know something special's
gonna happen.

I know there's a twist.

I know there's a twist,
so just shut your mouth,

say, "yeah, movie was good,
pretty straightforward

"beginning to end."

And I've been guilty of it
'cause, you know,

I'm the one--
I'm the person who be like,

"Have you seen--
Did you see--"

No, don't.
Dude, don't do it.

See, now,
I know something's up.

It's not--but listen, I just
wanna tell you this one thing.

- Do you...
- It's--I swear.

It's not gonna ruin
the movie.

I'm already thinkin' what
could possibly happen with this.

It's not--okay, listen, I'm--
All right.

You know what?
No, it's good.

- It's--I'm just--no.
- No, okay.

All right, just--
if you can promise

you're going
to tell me something

that won't give
anything away--

Yes, this is--
It's--it's not--

This is not integral
to the story, okay?

- Bruce Willis is a ghost.
- [bleep] you.

Johnny.

Okay, Carter.

I can stay here
all night.

So why don't
you and I cut the crap,

and you tell me what happened
on March 15th?

And what's in it
for Carter Finley?

What's in it
for you

is I don't send you back
to jail.

The guy's name
is Cat Branchman.

I met him downtown at a club
called "The Clutching Kitten."

You may have heard
of it.

It's down on the corner
of Hang and Fur Street.

Cat Branchman.

So what's a guy
like you

And a guy named Cat--

Okay.

I know what
you're doin', Finley.

You're just using what you see
in my poster.

I'm not, Detective.

I'm telling the truth.

We'll see how much truth
you tell

after a few weeks
in solitary confine--

Fine, Detective.

- You've twisted my arm.
- Now, that's better.

The guy's name wasn't
Cat Branchman.

Thank you.

It was a Chinese guy named
"Mr. Meow."

He's the real
gang boss.

Story went he hung guys
from trees

and took pictures
of them.

- Finley.
- Used to run a club downtown.

A front, of course.
Called it "The Paw and Poster."

Finley.

Ran it with a guy named
"Hong In Thar."

Okay.

Let's try this
one more time.

Finley?

Who do you work for?

Um...

Coffee.
Mr. Coffee Coop.

You--Coffee Coop?

His name was
"Baldy Tall Man Coffee Coop."

Now you're just talking
about me.

Finley, I'm gonna give you
one more chance.

Who is in charge?

His name was
"Angry Man."

The warehouse is located

in the diploma
for being a detective.

- I want a name.
- Justin.

Thank you.

- Hangtree--
- Don't say "hang."

God damn it,
Do not say "hang."

- Hang--
- Nope.

- Hangman Justin Cats...
- Finley.

- Poster.
- Do not say "poster" or "cat."

- Cat Poster.
- Okay, that's it.

I'm losing my patience.

Winslow, get this moron
outta here.

I'm losing my patience.

Let's try this
one more time.

I'm gettin too old
for this [bleep].

Well-played, Detective.

Well-played, indeed.

Hey, Carter.

You hang in there.

Thank you so much
for coming out today, everybody.

Thank you.
Good night.

- No, no.
- That's not--

No.
What? Me?

♪ I'm gonna do
My one line here ♪

Oh, yeah.