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1
00:00:05,303 --> 00:00:06,990
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
2
00:00:07,227 --> 00:00:09,450
I'd just to thank you
for your continued faith
3
00:00:10,956 --> 00:00:12,190
(screaming)
We won!
4
00:00:12,310 --> 00:00:13,877
That's my anger translator,
Luther.
5
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:15,409
Whoo!
6
00:00:15,452 --> 00:00:16,618
Yeah! What's up?
7
00:00:16,919 --> 00:00:17,752
♪ Mm mm-mm mm ♪
8
00:00:17,820 --> 00:00:19,154
♪ Mm mm mm-mm ♪
9
00:00:19,222 --> 00:00:21,540
But I want to wish
my opponent, Mitt Romney, well.
10
00:00:21,988 --> 00:00:23,034
He ran a good campaign.
11
00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:24,659
Take that [bleep]
back to the lab, Mitt,
12
00:00:24,727 --> 00:00:25,823
'cause you lost!
13
00:00:25,949 --> 00:00:28,365
And now we move forward
with pressing issues.
14
00:00:28,398 --> 00:00:30,466
We gonna pass Healthcare
again.
15
00:00:30,766 --> 00:00:31,851
Now what, bitches?
16
00:00:32,050 --> 00:00:34,885
While we had huge turnout
from our faithful supporters...
17
00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:36,180
Thank you, black folks!
18
00:00:36,195 --> 00:00:38,655
We made it to two elections
in a row, man!
19
00:00:38,708 --> 00:00:39,856
Now how hard was that?
20
00:00:39,996 --> 00:00:41,995
All your votes were crucial
in this victory.
21
00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:43,183
White people
who voted for me,
22
00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:45,543
y'all are all now
honorary black people.
23
00:00:45,572 --> 00:00:47,378
So thank you
for your support.
24
00:00:47,488 --> 00:00:49,872
And [bleep] you
if you tried to [bleep] me!
25
00:00:49,897 --> 00:00:51,197
I mean, you know how much money
they tried to spend
26
00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:51,978
to get rid of this?
27
00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:54,153
Millions, son!
I said millions!
28
00:00:54,746 --> 00:00:56,013
But you couldn't get rid
of a [bleep].
29
00:00:56,054 --> 00:00:57,154
Aw, naw.
30
00:00:57,196 --> 00:00:58,482
Yeah, can't touch this.
31
00:00:58,494 --> 00:00:59,325
Luther.
32
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,511
N... Luther,
what'd I tell you?
33
00:01:00,596 --> 00:01:01,496
No Hammer dancing.
34
00:01:01,564 --> 00:01:02,518
Come on, "B"!
35
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,829
We won!
Let's do it, dog!
36
00:01:03,844 --> 00:01:05,878
No, I'm, uh,
I-I-I told you,
37
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:07,496
I don't want you
doing it wrong.
38
00:01:07,514 --> 00:01:08,781
- Ohh.
- You gotta get it right.
39
00:01:08,847 --> 00:01:09,813
- Ohh!
- If you're gonna do it...
40
00:01:10,016 --> 00:01:11,250
God bless America.
41
00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:12,240
Oh, that's right,
that's right.
42
00:01:12,308 --> 00:01:13,359
Say it, though.
Say it!
43
00:01:13,403 --> 00:01:16,117
Now, I-I-I told you, homeboy,
U can't touch this.
44
00:01:38,611 --> 00:01:42,218
- Hey! Whoa!
- Hey!
45
00:01:42,219 --> 00:01:43,496
Hey!
46
00:01:43,525 --> 00:01:44,702
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
47
00:01:44,702 --> 00:01:46,274
All right,
all right, all right!
48
00:01:46,293 --> 00:01:47,211
- All right.
- All right.
49
00:01:47,246 --> 00:01:49,377
Thank you so much. Thank you.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
50
00:01:49,412 --> 00:01:51,288
- I'm Jordan Peele.
- And this is Key and Peele.
51
00:01:51,334 --> 00:01:52,834
- Thank you...
- Welcome to the show.
52
00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:55,681
- ...for coming out tonight.
- Yes, welcome to the show.
53
00:01:55,839 --> 00:01:57,439
Um, are you guys
sick of politics?
54
00:01:57,485 --> 00:01:58,785
Yeah!
55
00:01:58,830 --> 00:02:00,998
Okay.
56
00:02:01,089 --> 00:02:02,656
Okay.
57
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:03,667
We're done.
58
00:02:04,007 --> 00:02:05,312
Well, thank God.
59
00:02:05,347 --> 00:02:06,843
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- We are finished for a while.
60
00:02:06,911 --> 00:02:07,552
Anyway...
61
00:02:07,599 --> 00:02:09,941
We have this theory
that these pop stars
62
00:02:09,941 --> 00:02:11,358
that claim that
they party all the time,
63
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,904
- There's no way...
- It's impossible.
64
00:02:13,051 --> 00:02:14,584
That they actually party
that much.
65
00:02:14,607 --> 00:02:15,974
- Can't party full time.
- You can't do that.
66
00:02:16,019 --> 00:02:18,035
But no-one ever writes
a pop song about resting.
67
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,305
♪ Today's the day ♪
68
00:02:19,350 --> 00:02:21,898
♪ That I put my head down
and rest ♪
69
00:02:21,977 --> 00:02:23,745
- I mean, it's like...
- Yeah, you don't get that.
70
00:02:23,768 --> 00:02:24,942
Where's that song?
71
00:02:24,988 --> 00:02:26,848
Party, party, party.
You can't party that much.
72
00:02:26,893 --> 00:02:30,038
Nobody can party that much.
You're partying too much,
73
00:02:30,173 --> 00:02:32,305
And it's gotta take a toll
eventually, I'm sick of it!
74
00:02:32,392 --> 00:02:33,792
It will!
(laughter)
75
00:02:47,740 --> 00:02:49,583
♪ Well, tonight
we gonna party ♪
76
00:02:49,661 --> 00:02:51,490
♪ Till the party don't stop ♪
77
00:02:51,521 --> 00:02:53,255
♪ And the party don't stop ♪
78
00:02:53,293 --> 00:02:55,939
♪ Because it
keeps on going nonstop ♪
79
00:02:56,006 --> 00:02:57,640
♪ Gonna party all night ♪
80
00:02:57,708 --> 00:03:00,376
♪ Gonna keep
this party going ♪
81
00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:02,381
♪ 'cause the party
won't stop ♪
82
00:03:02,510 --> 00:03:06,140
♪ It's been two straight days
and the party's still going ♪
83
00:03:06,150 --> 00:03:09,955
♪ Two, three, four, five,
six, seven days ♪
84
00:03:09,993 --> 00:03:13,663
♪ Till it's Friday again
and the party keeps going ♪
85
00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:17,303
♪ Party all night
'cause it's an all-night party ♪
86
00:03:17,341 --> 00:03:19,442
♪ Friday night, 9:00 p.m. ♪
87
00:03:19,480 --> 00:03:21,347
♪ Hop in the car,
call my friends ♪
88
00:03:21,385 --> 00:03:22,985
♪ Drinks in the back,
girls up front ♪
89
00:03:22,993 --> 00:03:25,052
♪ We're going to a party,
sending texts ♪
90
00:03:25,096 --> 00:03:28,865
♪ Cell phone rings,
iPad, Facebook, party time ♪
91
00:03:28,903 --> 00:03:30,637
♪ Skin-tight jeans,
Friday night ♪
92
00:03:30,674 --> 00:03:32,141
♪ Dance, dance, dance ♪
93
00:03:32,155 --> 00:03:35,709
♪ 'cause tonight we goin' out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
94
00:03:35,743 --> 00:03:39,194
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
95
00:03:39,266 --> 00:03:42,743
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
96
00:03:42,811 --> 00:03:46,826
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
97
00:03:46,871 --> 00:03:48,605
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
98
00:03:48,643 --> 00:03:50,410
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
99
00:03:50,418 --> 00:03:52,019
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
100
00:03:52,086 --> 00:03:53,787
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
101
00:03:53,811 --> 00:03:55,674
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
102
00:03:55,674 --> 00:03:57,646
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
103
00:03:57,682 --> 00:03:59,046
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
104
00:03:59,046 --> 00:04:00,680
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
105
00:04:00,747 --> 00:04:03,783
♪ 'cause tonight we going out
and we ain't comin' back ♪
106
00:04:03,791 --> 00:04:07,493
♪ 'cause the party won't stop
and we'll go all night ♪
107
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:10,940
♪ Friday night, every night,
the party's going down ♪
108
00:04:11,086 --> 00:04:14,927
♪ Down, down, down, down,
down, down, down, down, down ♪
109
00:04:15,239 --> 00:04:17,040
♪ New York City,
L.A., Chicago ♪
110
00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,682
♪ Houston, Philly,
San Diego ♪
111
00:04:18,689 --> 00:04:20,570
♪ Phoenix, Austin,
Fort Worth, Boston ♪
112
00:04:20,581 --> 00:04:22,374
♪ Memphis, Denver,
Portland, Vegas ♪
113
00:04:22,412 --> 00:04:24,070
♪ Tucson, Fresno,
Akron, Tampa ♪
114
00:04:24,107 --> 00:04:25,861
♪ Pittsburgh, Newark,
Plano, Lincoln ♪
115
00:04:25,914 --> 00:04:27,624
♪ Lubbock, Durham,
Salem, Dayton ♪
116
00:04:27,662 --> 00:04:29,333
♪ Cities, cities,
cities, cities ♪
117
00:04:29,397 --> 00:04:30,942
♪ Cities! ♪
118
00:04:30,980 --> 00:04:32,505
♪ Yeah, we're gonna
keep it going ♪
119
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:34,201
♪ Till the break of
break of dawn ♪
120
00:04:34,214 --> 00:04:37,443
♪ Then we'll just
keep partying all day long ♪
121
00:04:37,502 --> 00:04:41,171
♪ Hot girls, music, dancing,
and bikinis and headphones ♪
122
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:46,013
♪ Party, party, party, party,
party, party, party, party ♪
123
00:04:46,080 --> 00:04:51,468
♪ ♪
124
00:04:56,357 --> 00:05:00,226
♪ So tonight we're gonna party
till the party don't stop ♪
125
00:05:01,408 --> 00:05:02,842
- Now go... Look at that.
- What?
126
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,296
- That's amazing.
- He's so good at this.
127
00:05:05,374 --> 00:05:07,616
- Amazing.
- I know, look at your points.
128
00:05:07,661 --> 00:05:10,129
Oh! Oh!
129
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,295
Oh!
Nice! Nice!
130
00:05:12,332 --> 00:05:13,966
Yes. Dude.
131
00:05:14,004 --> 00:05:16,773
You have absolutely
mastered this game.
132
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,273
Yeah, well, since,
um, Sheila left,
133
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,975
I've been spending
a lot of time playing the game.
134
00:05:22,169 --> 00:05:24,437
- You're doing really good.
- Thank you.
135
00:05:24,475 --> 00:05:26,442
That's why
we're here, man.
136
00:05:26,690 --> 00:05:28,986
Help you get over Sh... her.
137
00:05:29,385 --> 00:05:31,895
And check out this
awesome new game you have!
138
00:05:31,962 --> 00:05:33,229
Yay.
139
00:05:33,296 --> 00:05:35,097
You know, I left something
in another room.
140
00:05:35,196 --> 00:05:36,656
Um, excuse me, everyone.
141
00:05:39,810 --> 00:05:42,345
Oh, he still
has the sensors on.
142
00:05:43,407 --> 00:05:44,807
- Oh, look.
- Is that him in his room?
143
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,346
Yeah. You can see him.
That's funny. What is he doing?
144
00:05:47,354 --> 00:05:49,848
Is he... is he on his knees?
145
00:05:49,949 --> 00:05:52,966
- Did he drop to his knees?
- Oh, n...
146
00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:54,125
- Oh...
- That... that...
147
00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:55,365
He's probably looking for...
148
00:05:55,409 --> 00:05:57,276
No, look.
He's... he's crying.
149
00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,547
- He's crying. Oh, no.
- He's just...
150
00:05:59,547 --> 00:06:01,502
- No, no, he's shuddering.
- That's just shaking.
151
00:06:01,502 --> 00:06:03,590
He's shuddering.
Is he fetal?
152
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,663
Yeah, he curled up.
Look at that. He's fetal.
153
00:06:05,735 --> 00:06:08,570
Hey, Craig, buddy.
You all right up there?
154
00:06:08,668 --> 00:06:11,267
Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm coming right out.
155
00:06:13,201 --> 00:06:15,035
Oh, he... um...
156
00:06:15,956 --> 00:06:18,658
Hey, man, you all right?
157
00:06:18,755 --> 00:06:20,729
Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
158
00:06:20,789 --> 00:06:23,032
It's just, uh, my sinuses...
(sniffs) are acting up. Yeah.
159
00:06:23,224 --> 00:06:24,699
Yeah, I, um...
160
00:06:24,779 --> 00:06:26,774
I was just... you know, I was
just thinking about Sheila,
161
00:06:26,868 --> 00:06:27,968
and you know what?
162
00:06:28,095 --> 00:06:29,695
I'm... I am totally over her.
163
00:06:29,884 --> 00:06:30,837
- Awesome.
- Awesome.
164
00:06:30,851 --> 00:06:34,400
Let's... hey,
let's get this party started.
165
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,933
Sure.
Oh.
166
00:06:38,092 --> 00:06:39,812
Uh...
167
00:06:40,570 --> 00:06:42,561
I forgot to get rid of this
picture of Sheila. Excuse me.
168
00:06:42,630 --> 00:06:44,798
Hey, maybe leave the sensors
so one of us can play.
169
00:06:46,910 --> 00:06:49,245
Oh, he's dancing.
170
00:06:49,433 --> 00:06:51,868
He's dancing with the photo.
Is he ki...
171
00:06:51,875 --> 00:06:53,206
He's doing...
he's doing this a bunch.
172
00:06:53,250 --> 00:06:54,843
- All right.
- Is he kissing it?
173
00:06:55,306 --> 00:06:56,439
I think he's kissing it.
174
00:06:56,507 --> 00:06:57,636
Know what?
I'm gonna turn this off.
175
00:06:57,681 --> 00:06:59,715
- 'cause we don't need to...
- You change it and you die.
176
00:07:00,265 --> 00:07:01,571
He's undoing his buckle.
177
00:07:01,609 --> 00:07:03,011
Look at this.
His pants are coming off.
178
00:07:03,024 --> 00:07:04,124
His pants are coming off.
179
00:07:04,161 --> 00:07:06,429
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
180
00:07:06,437 --> 00:07:07,877
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
181
00:07:07,915 --> 00:07:09,760
- Okay, that's happening.
- Oh, no, no, no.
182
00:07:09,811 --> 00:07:12,062
- My God.
- Is he... He's...
183
00:07:12,129 --> 00:07:13,381
He is totally on the bed.
- Yeah.
184
00:07:13,444 --> 00:07:14,463
He's totally flat
on the bed.
185
00:07:14,523 --> 00:07:16,870
Oh, maybe he's shaking a can...
of hairspray...
186
00:07:16,941 --> 00:07:19,075
- Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh, gross.
187
00:07:22,773 --> 00:07:25,908
We sh... we shouldn't be...
Okay, you know...
188
00:07:25,941 --> 00:07:27,408
Is he reaching down
for his foot?
189
00:07:27,408 --> 00:07:28,706
- I don't...
- That's his foot, isn't it?
190
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:31,054
- Is that his foot?
- I don't know.
191
00:07:32,099 --> 00:07:34,500
And coming back.
192
00:07:36,263 --> 00:07:37,923
Whew.
193
00:07:38,913 --> 00:07:41,062
I am sorry, everybody.
194
00:07:45,384 --> 00:07:47,211
Would you like me
to make some snacks?
195
00:07:47,249 --> 00:07:48,900
Wash your hands first?
196
00:07:54,654 --> 00:07:57,203
You know, we both spend
a good deal of time in Chicago,
197
00:07:57,259 --> 00:08:00,561
and, uh, when you go to Chicago,
to Wrigleyville,
198
00:08:00,582 --> 00:08:02,883
The bars around that ar...
Whoo!
199
00:08:02,884 --> 00:08:04,518
- Mm. It's just...
- They're drunk.
200
00:08:04,592 --> 00:08:06,125
- They get [bleep] up.
201
00:08:06,193 --> 00:08:08,595
We saw one time
a string of five women,
202
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,251
And there was a woman,
like, hanging on...
203
00:08:10,319 --> 00:08:12,453
It was like woman, woman,
woman, woman, Raggedy Ann doll.
204
00:08:12,544 --> 00:08:13,800
It was just...
205
00:08:13,813 --> 00:08:15,280
She was just,
like, doing this, like...
206
00:08:15,325 --> 00:08:19,208
Anyway, Sophia's never gonna
get back to the car, seriously.
207
00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:21,129
What the [bleep]
am I supposed to...
208
00:08:21,175 --> 00:08:22,999
- She was supposed to be driving!
- Get off me!
209
00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:24,721
I've [bleep]
never driven an Audi.
210
00:08:24,890 --> 00:08:27,058
How do you drive an Audi,
Sophia?
211
00:08:27,104 --> 00:08:28,804
Get the [bleep] off of me.
212
00:08:28,850 --> 00:08:30,706
You can't even [bleep]...
fine.
213
00:08:30,751 --> 00:08:32,963
And she... boom.
She drops.
214
00:08:33,069 --> 00:08:33,953
Pretty much.
215
00:08:34,021 --> 00:08:35,755
So this scene
is about that girl.
216
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:41,484
- Are you kidding me?
- No!
217
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:43,659
Seriously, you've gotta
come back in the bar right now.
218
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:44,964
You come back in the bar!
219
00:08:44,989 --> 00:08:46,766
Megan, I don't even
[bleep] know Claire!
220
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:47,694
Yeah, right!
221
00:08:47,735 --> 00:08:49,350
I'm sorry!
You left your jacket!
222
00:08:49,393 --> 00:08:52,071
Yeah, well, why don't you give it
to your new, fat, ugly girlfriend?
223
00:08:52,095 --> 00:08:54,330
- I haven't even met her yet!
- Whatever!
224
00:08:54,398 --> 00:08:56,198
You left your jacket,
Megan!
225
00:08:56,221 --> 00:08:59,557
- Oh, throw it in a river!
- Why would I [bleep] do that?
226
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:02,454
- I don't care, I'm over it!
- Fine!
227
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,058
God.
228
00:09:12,822 --> 00:09:14,827
- Megan!
- Leave me alone!
229
00:09:14,895 --> 00:09:16,296
Your jacket, though!
230
00:09:16,363 --> 00:09:18,264
- No!
- Seriously, Megan!
231
00:09:18,598 --> 00:09:20,599
You start buying drinks
for everybody
232
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:23,358
As soon as she comes over.
I mean, who does that?
233
00:09:23,381 --> 00:09:24,681
Megan,
come back to the bar!
234
00:09:24,705 --> 00:09:28,441
- You're literally an asshole!
- How is that possible?
235
00:09:28,464 --> 00:09:31,065
I can't be an asshole.
I got arms and legs and a head!
236
00:09:31,111 --> 00:09:33,746
- Where's my jacket?
- I have your jacket!
237
00:09:33,748 --> 00:09:34,833
- Fine.
- Do you want it?
238
00:09:34,859 --> 00:09:35,620
No!
239
00:09:35,672 --> 00:09:37,092
- You know wha...
- Eat it!
240
00:09:37,093 --> 00:09:37,900
Why would I do that?
241
00:09:37,918 --> 00:09:39,696
You know what?
I'm not following you anymore!
242
00:09:39,719 --> 00:09:40,726
- I'm done!
- Fine! I'm over it!
243
00:09:40,765 --> 00:09:41,946
Fine!
244
00:09:49,730 --> 00:09:51,949
- Megan, come back to the bar.
- No!
245
00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:55,134
- Megan! Megan! Megan!
- Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
246
00:09:57,071 --> 00:10:00,143
Megan, do you want
your [bleep] jacket?
247
00:10:00,203 --> 00:10:01,040
No!
248
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,662
Seriously,
come back to the bar.
249
00:10:03,732 --> 00:10:05,362
You go back to the bar.
250
00:10:05,413 --> 00:10:07,114
I'm gonna throw
this jacket in the water.
251
00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:09,840
Oh, nice.
That's really nice.
252
00:10:09,906 --> 00:10:12,129
What do you want me to do,
Megan? Damn!
253
00:10:12,152 --> 00:10:13,753
Kiss my butthole, okay?
254
00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:16,746
Good! Fine! Fine! Then I'm going!
I'm leaving right now!
255
00:10:17,646 --> 00:10:19,232
God damn it!
256
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,704
- Megan!
- No!
257
00:10:25,766 --> 00:10:28,235
- Like, seriously, your jacket!
- No!
258
00:10:28,590 --> 00:10:31,592
- But it's your jacket, though!
- Whatever!
259
00:10:44,218 --> 00:10:46,686
- Megan!
- No!
260
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,692
I have your j...
I have your jacket.
261
00:10:53,906 --> 00:10:55,611
I'm over it!
262
00:10:56,663 --> 00:10:58,112
Seriously, Meg...
263
00:11:16,450 --> 00:11:18,330
You know what I mean?
264
00:11:22,256 --> 00:11:23,819
Why you readin', bitch?
265
00:11:25,208 --> 00:11:27,324
Because I like to read,
and this is a really good book.
266
00:11:27,392 --> 00:11:30,127
You're a really good bitch,
bitch.
267
00:11:30,172 --> 00:11:31,718
Why you gotta
bother me, man?
268
00:11:32,323 --> 00:11:33,295
Because.
269
00:11:33,923 --> 00:11:35,825
I'm not doing
very well in school.
270
00:11:36,069 --> 00:11:37,837
I'm reading
at a third-grade level.
271
00:11:37,905 --> 00:11:39,986
I really don't want
to get left back,
272
00:11:40,079 --> 00:11:42,180
so when I see somebody
reading for fun,
273
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,844
it makes me feel
that much more stupid!
274
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,691
And then I get mad!
275
00:11:48,526 --> 00:11:50,383
Um, I didn't
know that. I...
276
00:11:50,384 --> 00:11:51,945
Thanks so much
for opening up to me...
277
00:11:51,989 --> 00:11:55,116
- Shut up, queer!
- I don't understand.
278
00:11:55,175 --> 00:11:56,672
Why... I mean,
why you gotta go there?
279
00:11:58,459 --> 00:12:00,094
I've been having
sexual fantasies
280
00:12:00,112 --> 00:12:01,746
about some of
the other guys at school.
281
00:12:01,748 --> 00:12:03,182
- What?
- Gimme that!
282
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:06,308
I'm afraid of these feelings
and what they might mean.
283
00:12:06,441 --> 00:12:08,142
It's like, because
I hate myself so much,
284
00:12:08,166 --> 00:12:10,857
I gotta point that hate outward
towards you!
285
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,441
You understand this
on such a deep level that...
286
00:12:15,509 --> 00:12:17,343
- I don't understand [bleep]!
- Whoa!
287
00:12:17,411 --> 00:12:18,927
Now I'm gonna
punish you physically
288
00:12:18,954 --> 00:12:20,453
for acknowledging
my emotional problems!
289
00:12:20,498 --> 00:12:21,341
Wait, wait, wait,
290
00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,099
I was gonna say if you
understand yourself so well,
291
00:12:23,102 --> 00:12:25,254
then maybe you should
try working on changing it.
292
00:12:25,385 --> 00:12:27,420
Of course
I want to change it!
293
00:12:27,488 --> 00:12:29,722
But it's the only
defense mechanism I have
294
00:12:29,790 --> 00:12:32,925
against deeper, more terrifying
problems buried inside of me!
295
00:12:38,121 --> 00:12:39,765
You're lucky my Dad's here.
(piano music)
296
00:12:40,641 --> 00:12:42,001
Get in the damn truck, son.
297
00:12:42,069 --> 00:12:44,437
I need to take you home and beat
on you 'cause I hate myself.
298
00:12:44,505 --> 00:12:46,336
And you look like
your mother who left me.
299
00:12:46,556 --> 00:12:49,007
Then I'm gonna block out
the guilt I feel over mistreating you
300
00:12:49,038 --> 00:12:50,232
with a river of vodka.
301
00:12:51,574 --> 00:12:53,008
I'm gonna internalize that
302
00:12:53,032 --> 00:12:55,300
and unknowingly transfer it
onto you tomorrow.
303
00:13:00,849 --> 00:13:02,775
Coming reluctantly.
304
00:13:11,253 --> 00:13:13,332
So Jordan and I...
we, um...
305
00:13:13,385 --> 00:13:15,508
We like global affairs.
306
00:13:15,557 --> 00:13:16,430
I like playing Risk.
307
00:13:16,447 --> 00:13:18,820
Yeah, Risk is a gr...
yeah, mm-hmm, example.
308
00:13:19,063 --> 00:13:20,463
Africa's
very interesting to us.
309
00:13:20,472 --> 00:13:21,880
- Yes, yes.
- We find Africa interesting.
310
00:13:21,948 --> 00:13:23,902
That's... Africa
is perplexing to me
311
00:13:23,931 --> 00:13:25,630
Because that is...
that's a place
312
00:13:25,676 --> 00:13:29,479
where you will have the evilest
mother[bleep] walking around,
313
00:13:29,507 --> 00:13:31,107
and they're wearing
a Ducktales shirt.
314
00:13:31,175 --> 00:13:32,275
You're like, wha...
How did he?
315
00:13:33,418 --> 00:13:34,519
Why does he have...
316
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:36,969
What is going on?
You know, it's just...
317
00:13:36,997 --> 00:13:39,067
It's kind of like America,
if you think about it,
318
00:13:39,097 --> 00:13:40,264
'cause especially
in the '90s,
319
00:13:40,273 --> 00:13:41,707
you walk down the worst
neighborhood in Amer...
320
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,195
You know you are in trouble
321
00:13:43,195 --> 00:13:45,129
if a mother[bleep]
got a Tweety shirt on.
322
00:13:45,178 --> 00:13:46,285
Twee... yeah.
323
00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:50,202
"You come down the wrong
neighborhood, Puddy T."
324
00:13:55,532 --> 00:13:56,897
Commander Bujune!
325
00:13:57,278 --> 00:13:59,512
Our forces
have been devastated.
326
00:13:59,771 --> 00:14:02,106
The enemy is at the edge
of the village.
327
00:14:02,173 --> 00:14:04,507
There are not
many of us left.
328
00:14:05,351 --> 00:14:07,081
Should we surrender?
329
00:14:09,743 --> 00:14:11,445
You may surrender, Jengo.
330
00:14:13,482 --> 00:14:15,977
But I am afraid that is
a luxury I cannot afford.
331
00:14:16,906 --> 00:14:19,555
You have no idea
what they do to warlords.
332
00:14:19,563 --> 00:14:22,869
If they capture me,
they will torture me for weeks.
333
00:14:23,647 --> 00:14:25,357
That is no way to go.
334
00:14:26,285 --> 00:14:30,169
I want you, my most trusted
soldier over the age of eight,
335
00:14:30,858 --> 00:14:32,650
to take my life.
336
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,898
That is my final order.
337
00:14:42,712 --> 00:14:43,611
Aah!
338
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,007
Oh! Oh! Oh! Ow!
339
00:14:45,035 --> 00:14:46,691
Ow! No, do... no!
Aah, stop, stop!
340
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,330
What the hell are you doing?
341
00:14:48,594 --> 00:14:50,438
Haa!
342
00:14:50,843 --> 00:14:52,123
I was trying
to kill you, sir.
343
00:14:52,170 --> 00:14:54,670
Not with this!
There's a gun in the drawer!
344
00:14:54,813 --> 00:14:56,181
Aah!
345
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,396
Oh.
346
00:14:57,444 --> 00:14:58,978
So sorry. Okay.
347
00:14:59,025 --> 00:14:59,820
Amazing.
348
00:14:59,874 --> 00:15:02,600
You missed every
vital organ, Jengo.
349
00:15:02,631 --> 00:15:04,365
- Oh...
- Found it.
350
00:15:04,375 --> 00:15:06,843
All right, now kill me, Jengo.
Hurry, please!
351
00:15:12,015 --> 00:15:13,490
Not in the knee!
352
00:15:13,539 --> 00:15:15,184
I thought you might
want an open casket.
353
00:15:15,232 --> 00:15:17,062
You are an idiot!
354
00:15:17,833 --> 00:15:19,934
Don't say that.
I did try my best.
355
00:15:19,982 --> 00:15:22,514
Shoot me in the head,
you imbecile!
356
00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:25,608
God.
357
00:15:26,187 --> 00:15:27,154
Good-bye, commander.
358
00:15:29,060 --> 00:15:31,790
You sorry-ass piece of sh...
(gun clicks)
359
00:15:34,789 --> 00:15:37,455
Did you just insult me
as you were about to fire?
360
00:15:37,983 --> 00:15:41,523
Oh, well,
you had insulted me earlier.
361
00:15:41,791 --> 00:15:44,311
I th... I thought
you would be dead.
362
00:15:44,698 --> 00:15:47,172
Ah, ooh. So sorry.
363
00:15:47,243 --> 00:15:48,215
Ow!
364
00:15:48,423 --> 00:15:50,203
Ow! Ow! Ow!
365
00:15:50,224 --> 00:15:52,672
Stop... stop it!
What the hell are you doing?
366
00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:55,212
The gun is empty.
Would you like I stab you again?
367
00:15:55,219 --> 00:15:56,519
No, no, no! Please!
368
00:15:56,826 --> 00:15:59,622
Jengo, there are bullets!
They are over there!
369
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:00,774
Okay.
370
00:16:00,862 --> 00:16:04,322
Jengo, please hurry!
I am in agony!
371
00:16:05,904 --> 00:16:06,971
Ow!
372
00:16:07,636 --> 00:16:09,180
What the blazes, man?
373
00:16:09,214 --> 00:16:10,648
I thought
I could kill you very quick.
374
00:16:10,710 --> 00:16:12,659
by hitting you
with that big cooking pot.
375
00:16:12,835 --> 00:16:15,070
Oh, my God, would you please,
I mean, please get it over with?
376
00:16:15,682 --> 00:16:17,533
I did not
find the bullets.
377
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:18,433
- What?
- But better.
378
00:16:18,641 --> 00:16:19,941
Boiling hot water.
379
00:16:19,969 --> 00:16:20,836
What are you
going to do with...
380
00:16:23,423 --> 00:16:24,721
I surrender!
381
00:16:24,825 --> 00:16:27,226
I am the general
Dominique Bujune!
382
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:30,556
Commander! Don't go!
They'll torture you!
383
00:16:35,205 --> 00:16:37,967
Well, you guys like, uh...
You guys like Ryan Gosling?
384
00:16:39,063 --> 00:16:40,185
Yeah.
385
00:16:41,206 --> 00:16:44,398
- But dude does not act, though.
- No, that's the thing.
386
00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,604
He does not act.
He's not doing anything.
387
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,706
That's his secret
is he's got...
388
00:16:48,744 --> 00:16:50,825
He uses the Kuleshov Effect.
That's the thing.
389
00:16:50,864 --> 00:16:52,532
- Coolest... what?
- The Kuleshov Effect.
390
00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:54,408
It's... it just means
that he doesn't have...
391
00:16:54,417 --> 00:16:56,351
Like, all you have to know
is what the movie's about,
392
00:16:56,366 --> 00:16:57,632
and then he just
has to look like this,
393
00:16:57,632 --> 00:16:58,814
and then you think
he's thinking that.
394
00:16:59,245 --> 00:17:00,445
That's his gift.
395
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,220
You know, it's like... you know...
396
00:17:02,302 --> 00:17:05,016
"In a world where a man
loses his father..."
397
00:17:05,021 --> 00:17:06,147
And then it's
just his face going...
398
00:17:08,051 --> 00:17:10,008
And then you go,
"Oh, man, Ryan Gosling is sad."
399
00:17:10,043 --> 00:17:13,056
Mm, [bleep] hot.
I don't care how he acts.
400
00:17:15,152 --> 00:17:17,987
He can make
all the non-faces he wants.
401
00:17:50,892 --> 00:17:53,694
Okay, man, you know what?
It wasn't my fault, all right?
402
00:17:53,697 --> 00:17:55,898
I-I-I-I had the money
like you said
403
00:17:55,901 --> 00:17:57,566
in a trash bag
in the back of my car,
404
00:17:57,731 --> 00:18:01,237
and I was gonna go
straight to the drop spot.
405
00:18:01,762 --> 00:18:03,198
All right?
406
00:18:10,205 --> 00:18:12,294
No, no... Hol... Okay.
Okay, okay.
407
00:18:12,378 --> 00:18:14,679
Okay, no... no, hey,
hey, hey, hey, man.
408
00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:16,348
There ain't no need for you
to get comfortable.
409
00:18:16,416 --> 00:18:18,541
Okay? Because... because
I'm telling you, man.
410
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:20,540
What happened
wasn't my fault, all right?
411
00:18:20,607 --> 00:18:24,251
I-I-I-I-I-I drove to
the agreed upon location, man.
412
00:18:24,419 --> 00:18:26,444
Oh... oh, man.
413
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,958
What?
Okay... okay, okay!
414
00:18:30,029 --> 00:18:32,564
Okay, bec... bec... okay.
415
00:18:32,697 --> 00:18:36,761
Because there's no need to have
anything crazy in a paper bag.
416
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:37,896
I'm telling you.
417
00:18:37,986 --> 00:18:40,049
There's an explanation
for what went down!
418
00:18:40,822 --> 00:18:43,658
Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Okay!
419
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:46,753
Let's calm down now.
Let's calm down, man.
420
00:18:46,817 --> 00:18:48,485
There ain't no need.
421
00:18:48,681 --> 00:18:51,078
Oh, not a juice box?
422
00:18:51,316 --> 00:18:52,850
There ain't no need
to eat a meal
423
00:18:53,337 --> 00:18:55,872
and then do
some crazy [bleep]
424
00:18:55,940 --> 00:18:58,685
with the sandwich container
and the juice box!
425
00:18:58,755 --> 00:19:01,561
Oh, man, come on.
426
00:19:01,568 --> 00:19:04,504
Come on, man.
Just chill out a little bit.
427
00:19:04,504 --> 00:19:05,943
Just... you need
to relax, man.
428
00:19:05,974 --> 00:19:07,174
You need to
take it easy and rela...
429
00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:10,601
Oh, [bleep]!
Oh, goddamn!
430
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,026
Now, come on, man!
Don't do it, don't do it!
431
00:19:13,107 --> 00:19:14,982
Don't do it, man! You sh...
come on, man.
432
00:19:15,051 --> 00:19:17,147
Oh, you're eating the sandwich!
You're eating the sandwich.
433
00:19:18,559 --> 00:19:20,493
Oh, man, how you gonna
sandwich me, dog?
434
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:24,144
How you gonna sandwich me?
Oh, [bleep]!
435
00:19:24,179 --> 00:19:26,267
Okay, look,
it's gettin' crazy now!
436
00:19:26,268 --> 00:19:29,389
It's gotta stop!
It's gotta stop right now, okay?
437
00:19:29,389 --> 00:19:31,646
You cleanin' yourself up before
you do some ill [bleep]?
438
00:19:31,646 --> 00:19:32,712
Come on, man!
439
00:19:32,715 --> 00:19:34,292
What you doin'?
What you wanna know?
440
00:19:34,363 --> 00:19:36,387
What... I'll tell you
whatever you wanna know, man!
441
00:19:36,416 --> 00:19:38,531
Just please stop
this cold-ass [bleep], man!
442
00:19:38,569 --> 00:19:42,410
I'm beggin' you, dog, please.
Oh, [bleep]! No! No, okay!
443
00:19:42,439 --> 00:19:44,107
Look, okay, may... maybe it was
my fault a little bit.
444
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:45,975
Maybe it was my fault
a little bit, but don't just...
445
00:19:45,979 --> 00:19:47,523
What you gonna do
with that juice box, man?
446
00:19:47,523 --> 00:19:48,638
What're you gonna
do with that j...
447
00:19:48,638 --> 00:19:49,772
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
448
00:19:49,903 --> 00:19:51,871
What're you gonna
do with the straw?
449
00:19:51,939 --> 00:19:54,046
Come on, man, do...
listen, listen.
450
00:19:54,050 --> 00:19:56,172
No, no. No, I did it! I did it!
I did it, okay? I did it!
451
00:19:56,172 --> 00:19:58,587
I did it, I left the car!
I left for three minutes!
452
00:19:58,639 --> 00:20:00,841
So please don't do anything
with the straw!
453
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:03,400
Why aren't you stopping?
Fine! Fine!
454
00:20:03,415 --> 00:20:05,952
Aah!
Aah! Man!
455
00:20:06,021 --> 00:20:09,055
Okay, man!
Ha, ha! I beat you to it!
456
00:20:09,419 --> 00:20:12,755
Okay? I got your point,
all right, man?
457
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:14,212
Ha!
458
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,493
Oh, man, that's a bitch!
459
00:20:28,710 --> 00:20:31,245
Will we be having any more
problems out of him, sir?
460
00:20:31,829 --> 00:20:33,468
No.
461
00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:37,528
Yeah. That's what
I'm talkin' about.
462
00:20:40,516 --> 00:20:42,061
Seriously, we're done.
463
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:43,801
So just say good-bye,
Megan.
464
00:20:44,159 --> 00:20:45,259
- No!
- Say it!
465
00:20:45,295 --> 00:20:46,295
Uh-uh!
466
00:20:46,331 --> 00:20:47,696
- Say good-bye!
- No!
467
00:20:47,738 --> 00:20:49,624
Would you [bleep]
say good-bye?
468
00:20:49,824 --> 00:20:51,381
- Get away from me!
- Just say it!
469
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,592
You are literally
an asshole!
470
00:20:53,596 --> 00:20:55,640
Bye, man! Say good-bye!
(cheers and applause)
471
00:20:58,478 --> 00:21:01,246
♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
472
00:21:01,508 --> 00:21:03,534
Oh, yeah.
35075
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