All language subtitles for 5025dae98f7d4bb38cf53465d4f70971

- Kiki, I made you
this scrapbook,

which I know is a bit weird,

but it all means
nothing without you,

because you are my everything.

It's like my life
only started that day

you rode into Clitopolis
for that bounty hunting job.

I didn't exactly have girls
knocking down my door,

before you did.

Kind of hard when everyone's
obsessed with my moms,

the great Leanne and Anne,
the lives of the party.

And I'm just there, too.

The most boring royal in
the history of Clitopolis,

as voted by the people.

That was a tough day.

But look at me now!

No one ever thought they'd
see the day Princess Saira

would have a hot
as fuck partner.

I can't be exiled
to the singles zone

this year's Lesbian Ball.

I know we're a bit
of an odd match,

like you love travelling,
and danger, and partying,

and I'm scared to go
anywhere, and of everything,

and I'd rather stay home
and work on my magic tricks.

But you know what they say?

Opposites attract.

You complete me.

And I know in my heart

we'll be together forever

and ever,

and ever.

- You're dumped.

- Fuck.

♪ She's a lesbian ♪

♪ She's in space ♪

♪ And she's also a princess ♪

Oh, and she's very sad.

- Look, maybe if
things were different

and you were a different person

and I was a different person,

maybe this could
have worked for me.

But you're you,

and I'm me.

I'm sorry.

- Please stop crying.

- I literally can't.

- Hey, it's okay,
you'll be all right.

You are really good
with your hands.

Oh my God, oh.

Oh, you're so good at that.

- It's my sleight of hand.

- You're smothering me.

We've only been
dating like two weeks,

and you made this
terrifying book.

- No.

- I just thought dating a
space princess would be more,

ah, fun.

I don't wanna Gayflix
and chill every night.

- I'm sorry.

- And the "Sorry"s
always with the "Sorry"s.

- Sorry, oh, sorry
for being sorry.

Can we at least still go to
the Lesbian Ball together?

- Absolutely not, I
need to get outta here.

Goodbye forever.

Pretend you saw a smoke
bomb and I'm gone.

Wait, Saira.
- Yeah?

- You're wearing my jumper.

Oh.

- Oh man, fuck,
that's my jumper, too.

Mm-hmm.

- Ugh, you know what?

Keep it, it can be
your birthday present.

Yay!

- I will never

take it off.

- Oh.

- Yeah, I gotta get the
hell outta here, I'm sorry.

Fuck, ugh, it's contagious,
goodbye forever.

I'll miss you so much.

Oh, and of course I'll
miss you, too, Royal Pussy.

You always bring the party.

This hurts me more
than it hurts you.

- Honestly, I can't believe
it lasted that long.

We told you the
scrapbook was too much.

- Okay, so that start
was pretty shit house.

- But welcome to...

That's a cool drum roll.

Our birthday party!

For Saira.

Oh.

- We can't believe
she's 22 today.

- 23.

We can't believe she's
23 today.

- Which means it's
that time of the year

where we see if she can finally
summon her royal labrys.

Think she'll fail again?

Is the sky rainbow?

- For thousands of years,

the Clitopian royal
bloodline has been born

with the ability to
summon one of the most

powerful weapons known
to l-l-lesbian kind.

The labrys.

- Let us now turn to the
ancient scriptures of Wikipedia.

This all began back
on Earth, it says...

"In the 1970s,
the labrys was adopted

by the lesbian community
as a feminist symbol

representing strength
and self-sufficiency."

The summonings
happened first try for us.

But you know what they
say, six time's the charm.

Try not to do that
over the thinking thing you do.

- Wait, what do
you mean by that?

Let the
summoning begin!

♪ Lesbian ♪

♪ Lesbian ♪

♪ Lesbian ♪

♪ Lesbian ♪

It's happening.

♪ Lesbian ♪

♪ Lesbian ♪

- Oh.
- Oh, for fucks sake.

Oh, sweetie,
that was really tough.

Especially for us.

It is so hard
to watch you struggle,

but let's not have
it ruin a good party.

Who wants to see us dance?

I do, I
wanna see us dancing.

♪ Party, party,
party, party, party ♪

Great dancing!

♪ Really, really, really sad ♪

♪ Really, really, really sad ♪

Kiki, ever
since you've disappeared,

who else can I talk to?

I'm lost.

When you left, you took
everything with you.

The absence of you
is everywhere I look.

♪ Really, really, really sad ♪

It's like a huge hole

has been pumped
through my chest.

But in a way, I'm glad.

The pain is my only
reminder that you were real.

- Kiki the Destroyer, for all
your bounty hunting needs.

Hmm.

Couldn't you just watch
me, like, all day?

Kapow.

Fuck, I'm good.

Yeah, no, this is my room.

Take them, not
me, what the fuck!

No, no, no, no, please,
I'm too hot to die.

What the fuck?

Where am I?

Oh, what is this?

Welcome to our cave,
that is our toxic home brew.

Who the hell are you?

- Who are we?

We're the Straight
White Maliens.

- Who?
- Oh, come on.

- Are you, are you serious?

The Straight White Maliens.

We used to be the
most powerful beings

in the whole universe.

- Who?

- Yeah, of course, everyone
has forgotten about us.

Everyone!

- You stripped our ancestors
of all their power and you,

you left our kind for dead.

- And we were exiled
to this man cave.

But we've had a gut full of
being pushed us bloody side.

- I'm getting upset.

- You don't wanna see
us upset right now.

Oh, you don't want to see
us get bloody.

- It's not good.

- Let me guess, you wanna
rule the world again?

- No, wrong, incorrect.

- Then what do you want from me?

You?

This isn't about you.

You
are just the bait.

- What?

- You see, we can't get
the hot chicks anymore.

So for thousands of
years we've been slaving

over building this chick magnet.

But Larry fucked it up!

- Well, I don't hear you
complaining when you eat

these delicious, fresh
eggs every morning,

- Your eggs are shit!

You know those eggs are shit!

- What are you gonna feed
the chicks when we get 'em?

- Anyway, shut up, I'm
gonna feed the chicks our-

Oh no, wait, that
makes a lot of sense.

Thank you.

- Anyways, long story short,

we ended up buying a new
Swedish chick magnet online.

- But when it arrived,
what did we discover?

The bloody battery's
not included.

- Oh, hate that.
- Yeah, I do hate that.

- And according to the manual,
the battery is Princess Saira

of Clitopolis's royal labrys.

What the fuck?

- That seems weirdly specific.

- It's so stupid!

Especially because
we can't get past

that dumb Safety Bubble
protecting gay space.

And that little princess is
some sort of weird shut in.

It says she literally
never goes anywhere.

- Literally never.

- But according to the
manual, there is one thing

that could lure her out
of gay space.

- Kiki, finally.

Wait, oh my God, where are you?

- Saira, you gotta help me,
I've been captured by these

things called Straight
White Maliens.

- Who?
- Oh, fuck you!

Now listen, princess, we
need your royal labrys.

- What, why?

- For super tough
cool dude stuff.

- So if you don't want us
to drown your beloved Kiki

in our toxic home brew,
you will bring it here,

to the worst, most dangerous
place in the universe.

- But-
- Saira, please tell me

you actually have the labrys.

- Oh yeah, totally, I've got it.

Yeah, it's, it's
not on me right now,

but I definitely have it.

- Oh, thank God.

- Great, bring it here in the
next 24 hours and come alone,

or lover girl is going down,

or should I say going
drown?

- Oh.

Going drown.

Kiki, Kiki!

Why did you do that?

You'll never summon the labrys.

The only royal to fail
at this simple tradition.

You're a disappointment
to your moms.

To everyone.

Kiki's doomed because of you.

If you weren't broken, you
would have your labrys.

Can't believe
Kiki was with her.

Saira sucks.

How can
you be a princess,

- and not even like to party?
- Saira still sucks.

I heard
she's straight.

Ew.

You all need
to give her a break.

No wonder she can't
summon her labrys.

She should come to
my club, I can help.

Blade, your resident weapons
expert, kisses, motherfucker.

♪ Now it is cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ To be queer, to be queer ♪

Saira, we left
some food outside, okay?

It's a banh mi.

Also, honey, we,
we hate to bring it up, but-

- We put
you down as single

for the Lesbian
Ball tomorrow night.

- No need, I'll be
going with Kiki.

Oh, thank God
she's taken you back.

Oh my goodness.

That is a relief.

Oh, it's just
so, so sad to be single.

Well, we can only imagine it is.

Never done
it, never want to.

- Like everyone can see it,

'cause there's no one
standing next to you,

and when someone's single,

you just imagine them in a
food court, by themselves.

- Eating alone,
chatting to the cleaner

who doesn't even
want to talk to you.

She's got her own life,
she's not bothered with you.

You look sad, sad, sad, sad.

Okay, well, we'll pop
the two of you on the list.

So glad
you've got a girlfriend.

And you're not alone.

♪ Looking for an
awesome spaceship ♪

♪ To take me where I need ♪

♪ To go ♪

Oh.

♪ 'Cause if I had an
awesome spaceship ♪

- Mm-mm.

♪ I just might make it ♪

- Whoa, awesome.

♪ Where I need to go ♪

- Hey, who's there?

- Uh-oh.

Huh?

Huh?

Oh, no.

Ugh, I thought
I was never gonna get off

planet of the lesbos.

- Who's there?

- It's me, the ship.

You don't wanna know how long
I've been trapped down there,

the things I've seen.

What's your name, sir?

- Saira.

That sounds
like a girl's name.

- I am a girl.
- What?

Girls can't be pilots.

- Yeah, this was a mistake,
take me back please.

- Here's what I'll do, I'll
be your temporary ship.

I'll drop you off
at a nail salon

and we'll go our separate ways.

So, Sahara, where are you from?

- Clitopolis.

- Yeah, but like
where are you from?

- The palace?

- No, no, no, where
are you really from?

- Well, my cultural
heritage is half Clitopian,

and half Indian.

- Namaste.

Hey, please turn
around, you don't understand.

I, I've never been
outside of the-

- Oh God, that was
an awful night.

I hope that Shetland
pony survived.

Oh my God, this fucking
song again.

♪ See my face, I'm
the Safety Bubble ♪

♪ That stops all the trouble
getting into gay space ♪

Hey daddy.

Huh?

- I am Safety Bubble, fierce
protector of gay space.

They say space is a vacuum,
but nothing sucks like me.

What are you doing?

Oh, let us out of here.

- Why the hell would you
want to go out there?

It's straight, also, it's like
way dangerous or whatever.

Or as they say in German.

Danger is
my middle name, baby.

- Ew, how did you
even get in here?

You can definitely leave.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yes, sweet freedom!

Beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, no.

Babe,
what's for dinner?

Chicken.

Oh, no.

- This one's for
my bodacious baby.

♪ Baby girl, let's
go on adventures ♪

♪ Til the day
we're in dentures ♪

♪ And grow old, stay young ♪

♪ I know you're the one ♪

I love you, baby girl.

- It's worse than
I ever imagined.

♪ Approximately 23 hours left ♪

- Okay, okay, now there
are gonna be a lot

of really hot chicks
coming in here soon.

- Yeah.
- And we need to learn

how to charm them
bloody heck out of 'em.

- Mm.

- Now Josh is our expert speaker

for today.
- Hi.

- He was once successful in
getting a woman's number.

Now we don't know what
happened after that.

We called the number
and the line was dead.

I dunno if Josh mistook it down.

- No, phone companies.

- Phone company sort of going,

maybe playing tricky
business, maybe doing-

- Tricky business.

- Maybe tricky business
was going on, some sort of-

- Tricky business.

- Some sort of tricky
business was going on

with the phone companies.

Number didn't work.
- Yeah.

- Obviously, phone companies
playing tricky business.

Still, huge achievement.

And now Josh is gonna come and
he's gonna tell everyone here

what you know about
talking to chicks.

- All right, gents, boys,
thanks for having me.

Josh.

- Show of hands, who
wants to meet a chick?

- Me.

- Hands up if you
don't know the process

of how to go about that,

who wants to walk outta here
today with chicks in hand?

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Fuck yeah.

- Now, take note
boys, all right?

Act like you are listening
and then interject

over the top of it, that
gets the chicks ticking.

Don't let 'em get a word
in edgeways, with me.

Don't let 'em
get a word in edgeways.

- Let them know how much
Reddit karma you have, as well.

- I have a lot of
opinions on Marvel movies.

Would, would they be
interested in them?

- They'll love that.

- Okay, firstly, if you
want a chick to like you,

you need to connect with them.

Ask questions and listen,

no matter how boring
the answers are.

And secondly, let me go now
and no one will get hurt.

But if you don't, when
I get myself loose,

I will kill every
single one of you.

- What did she say?

- Please take me back,
this was a mistake.

- What, aren't you excited
to get your nails done?

- I don't wanna
get my nails done.

I have to keep
them short, anyway.

- Oh God, well, where can
I drop you then, Pilates?

Supermarket?

Why did you even board me

if you don't want
to go anywhere?

- Well, I thought-
- Come on.

You can't stay with me and
I'm not taking you back.

So pick somewhere, chop chop.

- S Club.
- I can't hear you.

- Do you know
where S Club 17 is?

- The party hub,
now you're talking.

I can't remember how
to get there, though.

Hmm.

I have a good feeling
about this way.

Such a strong feeling
about this way.

Don't even think about it.

Now, what takes you
to S Club 17, hmm?

- I need to find a way to
summon my royal labrys.

- Whoa, yeah, say no more, I
know that part of the vagina.

- And then I need
to go to the worst,

most dangerous place
in the universe.

- What, are you mental?

- I don't think people
say that anymore.

- I'll take you to S
Club 17, but no further.

- But my girlfriend is there.

- What the fuck is your
friend doing there?

- She's in trouble and
she's my girlfriend.

- Yeah, like a girl
who's a friend.

- Like, my partner, I'm
literally from Clitopolis.

- Oh, yeah.

- She used to be my
girlfriend, at least.

- Wait, so she's your ex?

- Well, technically yes,
but maybe if I can save her-

- Oh God, this,
this is pathetic.

♪ Here I go ♪

♪ Leaving everything I know ♪

♪ Because I would go to
the edge of space for you ♪

♪ Just to hear you
say you love me too ♪

♪ I'm so scared of being alone ♪

♪ Don't wanna end up on my own ♪

♪ Live my whole
life on a throne ♪

♪ Now head into
the great unknown ♪

- Fuck, what am I doing?

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Okay, here I go ♪

♪ Here I go ♪

♪ Leaving everything
I know, 'cause I- ♪

Oh, hello!

No one actually goes the
speed limit, poofter.

- You definitely can't
say that anymore.

- Oh, what is their problem?

Oh, these guys have been rude.

What do you think you're doing?

- Sorry!

Mutiny, mutiny!

I was distracted, for
not even one second,

and you have gone and couped me.

I am a man, and I have rights.

My old pilots were right, and
you just cannot trust women.

I'm hurt, I'm hurt, now
what are we gonna do?

We're gonna die out here,
I told you not to drive.

- Sorry.

You are covering
my insurance premiums,

okay, from now on.

Maybe there's
moon crystals on this moon?

Even if there was,
we don't have anyone capable,

brave, or strong
enough to find them.

- Yeah, sorry.

- Sweet, sweet freedom, only
to get stuck somewhere else

shitty.

- What if I went?
- You?

Ugh, yeah right.

- Well, just sitting
here isn't going to help.

How bad could it-

Be?

Oh, thank God.

- It's gone.
- Oh.

- If you'd have been
here two years ago.

It's just me, I'm
gonna go over this way.

There's nothing here.

Oh, you found a hole.

Ugh, make a friend,
lost a friend.

- Huh?

♪ One single moon crystal ♪

♪ Look at it shine ♪

♪ I want that moon crystal ♪

♪ To be mine ♪

♪ Oh, moon crystal ♪

♪ Moon crystal ♪

♪ Oh, moon ♪

♪ Crystal ♪

- Yes.

- So shiny, right?

- Please don't hurt me.

- Whoa, do I look like
I'm going to hurt you?

Oh, the goth thing?

Oh, it's just a look, I'm
not going to hurt you.

I thought you could
hear me singing

that moon crystal song.

- What?

Listen, I crashed my ship
and I need this moon crystal.

My girlfriend's, well,
technically ex-girlfriend's

life depends on it.

- My goodness, you've
got a lot on your plate.

Look, I'm just sorry
for scaring you.

- Oh, sorry.

- Why are you sorry?

- I don't know.

- Enough apologies.

I'm so glad you are here.

I came to this moon to
write my solo album,

but I fell down a hole.

- I fell down a hole, too.

- We have so much in common.

I'm Willow.

- I'm Princess
Saira of Clitopolis.

- Whoa, a princess.

Also, I hear that place
is famously hard to find.

- It's actually not, if
you know what you're doing.

- Well, maybe you could
show me the way sometime?

I mean, if we can ever figure
out how to get out of here,

let me tell you, I've
been down here a while

and there's no obvious way out.

- I'm not sure if this will
help, but what if we use that?

- I did not see that.

- Gross, what is this?

- I feel like I should
know what that is.

Weird, it wasn't here before
you broke the crystal.

- Great, so this is my fault.

- It's okay, look,
these things happen.

Here, let me help you.

- Why is everything
always so hard?

- You are so emo.

I love it!

- Why did I think a reject
like me could do anything?

- Hey, hey, it's gonna be okay.

- Why is it not targeting you?

- I don't know.

Wow, I'm really
grateful for that.

- You're like,
annoyingly positive.

- Thanks for saying that.

- Wait, maybe it's responding

to me being negative
about myself.

♪ Gloom goo, do-do-do-do ♪

♪ Gloom goo, do-do-do-do ♪

♪ If you give it bad vibes ♪

♪ It will eat you alive ♪

Sorry, I remember now, we
sang a song about this.

It's this incredibly
dangerous sentient goo

that feeds on bad vibes.

- So I should just say something

positive about myself, right?

- Great idea.

Come on, quick.

- I,

I don't know.

- You don't know?

Saira?

Saira!

Really good at holding
a conversation,

and I can write a song
about basically anything.

I did a great job coordinating
my spikes and chains today,

I have the voice of an
angel, my eyebrows are great,

and also my guitar,

my public speaking
has never been better.

I'm ambitious, and I'm brave.

And if I was a Pokemon,

I'd be a freaking
Pikachu, I'm that cute.

No, the crystal.

Just
forget it, keep going.

- Stupid, stupid, stupid,
I needed that crystal.

I couldn't do it.

Stop,
you're encouraging it.

It's gonna blow!

What did you do?

- I'm sorry.

Please tell me
you've got the moon crystal.

- Yes.

Oh, that's a relief.

- But then I lost it.

I knew you
couldn't do it, you idiot!

Now we're completely fucked!

- Oh man, it's a shame
we can't use that one.

Where to next?

I'm driving.

Where the
fuck did she come from?

They.

There's more than one?

♪ Approximately 18
hours left before ♪

♪ Kiki dies ♪

- Okay, so just remember when
your permanent is tapped,

you can't tap that card again
until it's been untapped.

- And only when
your turn begins.

When your turn begins, then
you can untap your tap cards

so they can be used again.

Do you understand?

- Oh, and there are
different phases

each with their
own set of rules.

So the beginning phase rules-

- Please, stop,
if you don't stop,

I'm going to make
you stop, I mean it.

I really am going to get
myself loose any minute now.

- Why can't you chicks
ever like what we like?

Now about the beginning phase.

- Ooh, yes, the beginning phase.

- Wait, so you need this
labrys thing to save Kiki,

and your only hope is
that this Blade person

that you found on
the future net,

and know nothing about,
will be able to help?

- Yeah, I know, it's-

- Such a good plan.

Is it, though?

Hey, be careful, go
straight, go straight.

- Typical.

I'll have you know,
I'm actually bisexual.

Are bisexuals
really a thing?

- Where did you find this
thing, the 21st century?

- Yeah, that is where I'm from.

Oh.

- Hey, thanks for
saving me back there.

- Oh, no, thank you,
that was a thrill.

Besides, I might not have
found that ladder without you.

I'm not super observant.

Or book smart or street smart.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why?

It's not a bad thing, I'm
just smart in other ways.

Like I'm super creative.

- That's right,
you're a songwriter?

- Trying to be, you see...

Oh, oh, oh,
you better not sing it.

♪ I was in a gay pop band ♪

♪ We were in high demand ♪

♪ We'd dance and
sing and dance ♪

♪ Our life great, at a glance ♪

♪ But really, we were
prisoners of gay pop ♪

♪ Forced to dance
and sing nonstop ♪

♪ But somehow to me,
it all felt wrong ♪

♪ I dreamed to write
not shared songs ♪

♪ So I decided I
would break free ♪

♪ Become the songwriter
I always wanted to be ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

- Wow.
- Fuck my life.

- They never used to let
me play my own songs.

They said they were too

indie.

Now, I finally get to
figure out my own music

separate from the group.

I thought I'd be able to
write songs on the moon,

but let me tell you, there
was not a lot to write about.

But I'm hoping hanging with
you will inspire some songs.

I mean, an inter galactic
space quest to save your ex?

Oh, wow.

- Oh, I'm actually
really boring.

- I don't think you are.

No, I think
she is, she really is.

- Look, I love the emo vibe,
but you must have something

positive to say about
yourself, right?

What's something you're good at?

- Well, I'm not bad at magic.

- That's so cool, I'd
love to see a trick.

- No, you wouldn't.

- Ah, yeah, I would-
- Pick a card.

- Ooh.
- Okay.

So we're going to use your
card, the ace of hearts,

and put it in the
middle of the deck.

- Yeah.
- Because it's one

of the only cards that
acts like a helium balloon.

If I push it the whole way in.

- Uh-huh.
- Like this,

and snap my fingers.

Did you see it come
back to the top?

- What the freak?

- We'll do it again,
we'll take it.

We'll put it in the
middle like that,

now if I don't snap my fingers,

the card doesn't
come to the top.

But if I either snap or
cover it just for a second

did you see it come
back to the top?

- Oh my God!

- We'll try this one more time,
I'll take it just like this.

In fact, I might use
your hand for this.

You can press it, the whole
way in, into the middle.

Here we go.

Oh.

Huh?

- What did, how,
wait, oh my God!

That's so cool,
you're really good.

- No one's ever stayed
for a whole trick before.

- Well, they're missing out.

- What do you guys think
about the sex scene

in "Blue is the Warmest Colour?"

♪ I fell down a hole ♪

♪ And so did you ♪

♪ What a silly thing ♪

♪ For us to do ♪

♪ But we made it out somehow ♪

♪ Take a look at us right now ♪

♪ Oh, Saira and me ♪

♪ Zooming through the gay-laxy ♪

♪ There's nowhere
I'd rather be ♪

♪ Oh, Saira and me, zooming
through the gay-laxy ♪

♪ Something, something
different lyrics ♪

I'm figuring that one out.

All right here,
we are, S Club 17.

This is where that
lady who can help you

find your laprys will be.

- You mean, we have
to go in there?

- Yeah.

- Not looking like
this, we won't.

It's montage time, baby!

- What?

♪ Yeah, I'm in your city,
getting busy for my people ♪

- Oh, I'm good with
what I've got on.

- Come on, you can't
go in there like that.

- But Kiki gave this to me.

- Seriously?

What's so great about this Kiki?

- Well,

she's just like,

really

fucking hot.

- Wait, is that seriously it?

- It's just, there's only
one Kiki the Destroyer.

No one ever gave me a
chance, but she did.

And being with her was
like getting the keys

to this better life.

Without her, I'm like, nothing.

- You know, that's
kind of how I felt

after I left the group.

But you know what
made me feel better?

A makeover!

Come on, it's time to
make you fucking hot, too.

Not that you aren't already,
I mean, that came out wrong.

♪ Feeling buzzy,
feeling cheeky ♪

♪ I don't need you,
but you need me ♪

- Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Sorry!

- Willow?

- Sorry, sorry.

♪ Acting like Madonna ♪

Bow-wow!

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪

- It's perfect.

- What did you do?

Take off-
- I took off the jumper.

- Okay, I'll beam you over now.

Do you remember how to get back?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

You sound unsure.

Okay, let me explain again.

- Thanks so much, but
I think we got it,

the first three
times you told us.

- Oh, you say that now.

But it can be pretty easy to
get confused and mixed up,

especially if you're a
lady, or whatever you are.

And you know, not
used to tech stuff.

Honestly,
I reckon we got this.

- Just one more time.

What you need to do is get
up the remote beam tracker

and press the beam button.

Oh, fuck my life.

- Thank God!

He just kept
talking and talking.

- I can't believe I did that.

- I love this place.

- Oh, God.

♪ Lost my shit ♪

- I'm Blade, this is my club.

- Oh man, it's gonna
be hard finding Blade.

- That was easy.

- Okay, what's the plan.

- Should we go up and say hi?

- But how will we get
into the air vent?

- What if she actually
doesn't want to help?

- Genius, okay, you
go find a screwdriver,

and I'll get the pineapple.

- You're right, we can do
this if we're together.

This is VIP.

- Willow?

♪ PRN, 'cause I've
lost my shit ♪

♪ Give me a PRN, 'cause
I've lost my shit ♪

♪ Give me a PRN, 'cause
I've lost my shit ♪

♪ Give me a PRN ♪

Willow ditched you.

Your plans are stupid.

Blade doesn't wanna help you.

You will always be broken.

You should just give up.

- We need to talk

about Ryan.

I swear he's cheating
on me with Stephanie,

and he is totally
gaslighting me.

Like, why would he post
all those selfies with her,

and what, you know, what
is, if that's just the vibe,

but like, don't
tell me I'm crazy.

That's how things ended
the last time.

So like I'm,
I'm not crazy, right?

Right?
- What?

- Thanks for agreeing.

So yeah, he just always
puts himself before me,

and makes me feel like
a loser.

- You shouldn't let him
make you feel so terrible.

Why do you let him do that?

- He's just, like,
really fucking hot.

I just, I can't
believe he likes me.

- Surely there's lots to love?

- Well, I do listen a
lot when he's talking

to me about his video game.

I don't even, I don't know
what's going on in there,

but he seems really excited.

So he's telling me about AK-47.

I don't know what that is,
but it makes him happy.

And I'm really good
at shoplifting.

- It sounds like this Ryan

doesn't appreciate
how great you are.

- Oh my God, you're right.

Thanks, babes, I needed
to hear that.

It's wild to think I
won't remember any of this

in the morning and we'll never
see each other ever again.

You know what?

You're right, screw
him, I'm great.

You're like the wisest, coolest,

prettiest person I've ever met.

You fucking rock, girl.

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

- Hey, Blade, I need to
speak to you, please?

- What?

- I said, I need to
speak to you, please.

- What?

- I said-
- I'll come down.

Coming down.

Fucking, fucking.

Well, hello.

- Hi.

How's it going?

I'm Princess Saira from-

- I know who you are.

- Ah, cool, yeah,
yeah, well, yeah.

I saw on the future net
that you might be able

to help me summon
my royal labrys?

- You think you can
just come into my club,

march into the VIP area, make
me come down from my throne,

and expect me to just help
you summon your labrys?

If that's what you
think, you would be

absolutely right.

I am so excited you're here.

Princess Saira, it
would be my honour

to help you out, darling.

- Oh, oh my God, really?

Thank you.

- Get up, you
little sweaty bitch.

You know, we're actually not
so different, Princess Saira.

- Really?

- I mean, my parents
aren't queens or anything,

but they are renowned
psychologists, and ooh girl,

when people talked
shit about me,

I tried for the
longest time to fit in,

and be the psychological
professional my
parents wished for.

But I realised if there's no
room for you to be yourself,

fuck it, go and make
it yourself, girl.

I finally followed
my real passion.

- Drag?
- Weapons.

They love the drag, but
the weapons, they said,

"Blade, your behaviour
is very concerning."

But like, don't
call your kid Blade

and expect them not to
be into blades, right?

Speaking of blades, your labrys.

I'll tell you what's
causing you trouble.

As with all
metaphysical weapons,

the key to unlocking your
labrys is a mental one.

The wiring is all there.

You just need to make
the right connections.

- So, I'm not broken?

- Not at all, and
luckily, I happen to know

a thing or two about psychology.

Now let mama help you find
your labrys, you ready?

- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, close your eyes.

- This is safe, right?

- Of course, we're
only meditating.

I want you to take
a deep breath in.

And out.

Now babes, it might feel like

you're not in control
of your own mind,

but just a conscious
is actually trying

to protect you in a
roundabout kind of way,

and a saboteur, all that shit.

But it's only as powerful
as you let it be.

Now look around at
your surroundings,
what do you notice?

Reach out and touch the door.

Feel the handle,
feel its smoothness.

This won't work.

Remember,
you're the boss.

Breathe in.

And out.

At your own pace, hold the
handle firmly and pull.

- Wait, Saira, I wanna
hang out with you.

Just kidding, I ditched
you because you-

- Bore me.

Bore me, bore me.

Bore me.

You bore me.

Why do
we keep trying?

Boring.

Huh?

Can't you just stay
here with me today?

We can't,

we'll be late for our
royal orgy, sweetie.

Can I show
you my magic show now?

Not now, Saira,
we're gonna be late

for our own burlesque show,
much cooler than magic.

You should
do burlesque instead.

I'm 10.

Wanna come over
after school, maybe?

Will the
queens be there?

No, they're away.

Sorry, I can't.

What did we do
wrong, it can't be us.

Waste of space.

Something
wrong with her.

Happened
the first try, right?

You can't have it.

- But it's mine.

You're not
good enough for it.

- Yes, I am.

Yes, finally, yes, yes, yes.

- Yoink.
- Yes?

- I'll take that.
- Huh?

Finally, a labrys is
mine, all mine.

I can't believe you fell for
it, you basic little bitch.

- Wait, I thought you
wanted to help me.

- Nah.

I can't believe you
didn't see that.

- But I need it.

Not when you're dead.

Time to christen
this beautiful blade.

- Whoopsies, finally found you.

Sorry I took so long, it took
me ages to find the pineapple.

What's it for?

- What?

- Oh, hey, you found
the labrys thing.

- Okay, so Blade is not cool.

- Yeah, she's trying
to steal my labrys.

- Oh, hell no.

What are you gonna do, fight
me with a pineapple?

- Oh, it all makes sense now.

Ow, what the fuck?

- Willow!

- Ha, have you ever
used an axe before?

Ha, even with that
beautiful weapon,

you can't defend yourself
against a pineapple.

You're a joke.

No, what are you doing to it?

- No.

Fuck, you bitch.

Yeah, that's how
you use it.

Now who's a joke,
you bitch?

- Hey.

Welcome back.

- Is she okay, is she awake?

- Yes, she's okay, you
can stop freaking out now.

- I wasn't freaking out,
you were, I don't care.

- I beamed us back here

after you decapitated
that Blade lady.

You are such a badass.

- Wait, where's my-
- Hey, hey, hey.

Shh, shh, it's okay, it's okay.

It's here.

- What?

No, where's my labrys?

- Oh, that, yeah,
that's here too.

- I really was pretty
badass back there.

- Yeah, I have a
huge crush on you.

Wait, did I say that out loud?

Yes.

- It's just...

- Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, that got you.

♪ Oh, Saira, I've
got a crush on you ♪

♪ Oh, Saira, I've got
a crush, it's true ♪

♪ And it's on you ♪

♪ My crush is on you ♪

♪ Specifically, you, Saira ♪

That song was about you.

- I got that.

Ooh, yeah.

Called it.

- That's been there
this whole time?

- Yep, it's been in
front of you all along.

- We're not talking
about the button, are we?

- No, I'm talking about the
button, I saw it ages ago.

- Oh.

How can
you even have sex?

- Now that he's gone.

♪ Oh, Saira, I've
got a crush on you ♪

♪ Oh, Saira, I've got
a crush, it's true ♪

♪ And it's on you ♪

Woof woof.

♪ My crush is on you ♪

♪ Specifically, you, Saira ♪

Are yours hands magic?

♪ Approximately
five hours before ♪

♪ Kiki dies in a vat
of toxic home brew ♪

- Hello there, lady at bar.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Well, what, do, I
like your dress.

- Thank you.

- I wore a nice
shirt to this bar.

- It's making me horny.

- Perch hands.

- Drink, drink, ask about
a drink, ask about a drink.

- I'm thirsty.

- Oh, are you thirsty?
- Yeah.

- She gave you the leading,
just go for it, man.

Just go for it, just
be yourself, bro.

- Can I get you with my
money, a drink for you?

- Oh yes, please.

- Close the deal,
close the deal.

- Now that I have purchased
you a drink, you owe me sex?

- Yes.
- Yes, correct.

- Hey, don't be so mean,
this is a safe space.

- What's so funny?

- It's just like,

I don't get why this
is so hard for you.

- Oh, wow, so predictable,

from the lady of
colour who's a lesbian.

I'm really shocked,
lesbian of colour.

The whole universe is built
around you, lesbian of colour.

- Here's something that I
guarantee you did not know.

Did you know that crash
test dummies are built

around the average size
and proportions of a woman?

What if we get into a crash?

- And look at this phone.

They make these for chicks.

How am I supposed to use this
tiny phone with my huge hands?

It's a tiny fucking lesbian
phone, fuck you lesbian phone!

- We gotta be confident.

We gotta be too-
- But not too-

- But not too confident.
- Don't be too confident.

Don't be too confident.

- We gotta be beautiful.

- But not too beautiful.
- But not too beautiful.

- Can't be too beautiful.

Can't look too good.

- You gotta have nice shoe,
you gotta, everything you do,

everything you do, I gotta
do backwards in flat shoes.

Do you understand?

You've got the support of heels.

I just, it is hard for us, too,
and I just think sometimes.

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

- So, no, I'm sorry, I'm just...

- Oh.
- I know.

No, he does this.

- We can't win.
- He's just upset.

- I'm not, I'm not upset,
I, these are angry tears.

I'm so angry I'm crying.

- Ugh, you should
just stop complaining.

Screw this, my life is
hard too, that's it.

I'm really doing it this time,
I'm getting myself loose.

Yeah!

- No, no, no, no.

- Oh.

I think it's time you realise
who has the power here.

Kill the lesbian!

- To be or not to be.

That is the question.

Oh, God, oh, this
is the most painful

and horrible death anyone
could ever experience!

Oh God, why me,
why, why?

- Bro, I said kill the
lesbian, not the thespian.

What the heck, bro.

- You can hear they sound-
- Yes.

- The same.

I understand.

- I mean, I know this
isn't my argument,

but I'm pretty sure
you said thespian.

- I don't think I did.

When I say kill the lesbian,

I'm talking about,
quite specifically, her.

And you know that, you
do this, you team up and-

- You said thespian.
- You pick on me.

Fucking, I swear to
God I didn't, and if
I did, I apologise.

- Now, who's the lesbian, hey?

- What, no.

That
doesn't make sense.

- No, no, no, no, no, do, what?

Do you know what a lesbian,
do you know what a lesbian is?

- Yes.
- What.

- They're, they get on stage.

That's a thespian.

- And, and, and date
someone of the same sex.

That's a lesbian thespian.

- It's a lesbian.

- No, no, it's a
lesbian thespian.

- Just kill the lesbian,
just kill the lesbian.

- Every lesbian in "The L
Word" was also a thespian.

- Yes, that's fair, you
cannot argue with that.

- No, and I never
would, either way,

- we're getting off topic.
- Mm.

- And I would like to kill
the lesbian, we gotta-

- We already killed her.

- No, we killed the thespian,
you killed the thespian, the-

- Yes, and that's
what you wanted.

- I thought you said thespian.
- No.

No, shut up, stop talking now.

All right, now.

Kill the lesbian.

- Wait, wait, wait, I'm
sorry, you're right.

Women like me suck, we
take up too much space.

- Ah, no, no, no,
no, no, too late.

I am sick of you
always patronising us.

- But you need me, mm-hmm.

Saira's not gonna give you
the labrys for nothing.

Do you really want to
invite a lesbian with one

of the most powerful weapons
in the universe to your cave,

and then tell them you've just
killed the person they love?

- Well, if she
loves you so much,

what is taking her so long?

- Just let me talk to her.

I promise I can get her here.

- Fine, but you better
hope she's close by.

I am done waiting.

Button!

New time limit,
princess, one hour.

- What?

- You can thank big
mouth over here for that

and all the mean things
she's been saying.

About me and my friends.

- Saira, wait, where are you?

Is that sex hair,
who the fuck is that?

- Hey, I'm Willow,
Saira's new partner.

- What, no, they're no one.

Oh.

- Wait, I didn't
mean that, I'm sorry.

Are you serious?

- I mean, I'm sorry,
they're no one.

Oh.

- I mean, I don't
know, I'm confused.

I'm just,

sorry.

- No, Saira, I'm sorry.

I can see now, I screwed things
up, I never appreciated you.

But Saira, you are the only one

who can bring your royal
labrys and save me.

Now, but now I've lost you,
and now I'm going die.

- No.

- That's not true, I'll
come, of course I'll come.

- You have one hour.

- Kiki!

- Willow, I'm sorry.

- It's okay, if Kiki
means this much to you,

we can open this
relationship up.

- No, Willow, I think maybe

you and I should
just be friends.

- You're friend zoning me?

I hid the body for you,
not the head, though.

I figured they'll
never figure out

who it belongs to
without the body.

You know, I don't
even like murder.

I just wanted you to like me.

- I do really like you.

I think you're the first
proper friend I've ever had.

I got a bit caught up in that.

Now I've messed it up.

- I just need some time.

And I'm taking this, you
owe me that at least.

- It's yours.

- Don't let them see you cry.

I definitely have some
inspiration for my album now.

- I'm sorry.

I really hope we can be friends.

- Fuck you, Saira.

♪ I met her on a moon ♪

♪ She was still
amid some gloom ♪

♪ So she took me
on a wild ride ♪

♪ Did some fucked up shit,
but we fell to life ♪

♪ Oh, Saira, there she goes ♪

♪ Will she save
Kiki, no one knows ♪

♪ Oh, Saira, there she goes ♪

♪ Will she save
Kiki, no one knows ♪

♪ She's travelling
the gay-laxy ♪

♪ I kind of wish it was for me ♪

♪ But something's just
aren't meant to be ♪

- Finally, how was it?

Wait, where's the other one?

What happened?

Did she, they dump you, too?

- I kind of dumped them.

- Why would you do that?

They seem to genuinely like
your boring personality

and magic tricks.

- Because I've gotta save Kiki.

Oh man, you
still wanna do that?

- I, I can't just abandon her.

Listen, I know you didn't
wanna come this far,

but she needs me.

Is it okay if I drive
us to the worst,

most dangerous place
in the universe?

- No pilots ever asked me if
I'm okay with something before.

Honestly, they were
a bit mean.

- Well, what do you say,
wanna stick with me?

I mean, we've come
this far.

Sorry, you really hit a nerve.

Yeah, whatever, let's go.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Saira, there she goes ♪

♪ Will she save
Kiki, no one knows ♪

♪ Whoa, Saira, there she goes ♪

♪ Will she save
Kiki, no one knows ♪

♪ Yeah, I wrote my song down ♪

♪ Woo ♪

Hold on.

That's the worst, most
dangerous place in the universe?

- Yeah, apparently this is it.

Do you
know what this is?

It's like one, one of those
world's best cup of coffee

bullshit slogan things.

It's like, "Oh yes,
that shitty little cafe

has the world's
best cup of coffee."

- Ship.

What?

Oh, God.

- Hey.

I'm so happy.

- It shot us!
- Right in the face.

I'm sorry I took you here,
you should take us back.

- Don't you dare.

You are not the same
shy, sad, pathetic,

boring, miserable princess you
were when you hopped aboard.

My generous wisdom and
guidance has helped shape you

into the strong lady warrior
sitting here right now.

So what are you
gonna do, Sangria?

- I know what to do.

Okay, mama's driving
now.

- Ow, fuck.

It's really on me.

Shit, this isn't
working.

I think I've got an idea.

- I trust you.

Take it back, I take
it back, I don't trust you!

- Oh, that does not sound good.

- What, me?

I feel great.

Get outta here, go save
your stupid ex-girlfriend.

Oh, and I guess,
be careful, okay?

- Hey.

Thanks for being
an ally back there.

Ew, what?

I'm not gay.

Boys, I
miss the thespian.

- Hey.
- What?

Oh, you
shouldn't have-

- I've got the labrys.

- Shouldn't have
killed the thespian.

- I miss that thespian.

Shouldn't have
killed the thespian.

- Putting on plays and stuff.

Why'd you tell
him to kill the thespian?

- I said, hey, I've
got the labrys.

- I remember specifically.
- I fucking didn't.

They did my favourite one
man show of "Book of Mormon."

Yeah.

- Our labrys is here!

- Oh.
- Our labrys is here!

Gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme,

gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme.

- Oh.

Now, let Kiki go.

- Oh, gladly, terrible deal for
you if you ask me, take her.

Get her outta here,
look at the labrys.

- Hey.

- You saved me.

I'm free!

I'm finally free.

Oh God, I thought I
was gonna die, whew.

- You know, if we
hurry, we could still go

to the Lesbian Ball together.

- Yeah, I don't think so.

Ooh, rough.

- But I came all
this way for you.

- Yeah, well, you kind
of got me into this mess.

- But you said that
maybe if I was different.

- Listen, I'm so
grateful you saved me.

I'm genuinely impressed
you made it here.

- Mm-hmm.

- But I don't owe you
anything, nothing's changed.

- But I have.

- Ugh, again, with the crying.

Look, I really don't
want to be mean,

but it never really made sense

that I was with you
in the first place.

You know what I mean?

- What's happening to it?

Fuck!

- What the hell,
princess, we had a deal!

I'm upset, fuck!

- Fuck!
- Fuck!

- Huh?

Huh.

I knew you
couldn't ignore me for long.

You haven't changed at all.

Get it into your thick head.

You are not good
enough for Kiki.

Without her, you're nothing.

- That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Even your own moms
don't like you.

- Just stop it,
stop criticising me.

What the fuck?

You
disappoint everyone.

I'm just telling you how it is.

- Are you?

Maybe my moms are
just bad parents.

Maybe Kiki is actually
a narcissistic asshole,

and I deserve better.

I'm not always the problem.

Yes you are.

- I don't think so.

You're a boring
little wimp, and you know it.

Ah, shut the fuck
up.

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Lesbian ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- Oh, good and great, you got
it back, now hand it over.

- No.

- What?
- What?

- What?

- But you said we could have it

if we gave you the mean lady.

- You can't have a lesbian
and a lesbian thing.

- That's too many-

- What?
- Things,

'Cause we don't have any-

- What?
- What?

I'm crying.

- No, you're not.

- Aren't I?
- No.

We had a deal!

Yeah, well,
sometimes things don't work out

how you want them to.

- Oh, well we know
that all too well.

Give it
back, it's ours!

- Actually, it's mine.

- Oh, oh.

- Why do you even need it?

- Well, because if we
don't have your labrys

to power our chick magnet, then
we'll never get hot chicks.

- And we'll be losers forever.

- Wait, that's seriously
why you want it?

- We don't exactly have chicks

knocking down our door.

- No.
- I leave my door open,

and they still
don't come through.

- Yeah, but all the chick
magnets in the world

won't help you.

I went through all of this.

And why, 'cause I
wanted Kiki to love me?

But now I see my biggest problem

was that I didn't
even love myself.

We deserve to love ourselves
without a chick magnet

or a hot as fuck girlfriend.

- Wow, I mean, no,
you're full of shit.

Get her, boys!

Incoming
chicks, incoming chicks.

Incoming chicks, incoming
chicks, incoming chicks.

- Wait, guys, I, I just
had a random thought.

All the chick magnets in
the world won't help us.

We went through all
of this, and why?

Because we wanted
chicks to love us.

But now I see our
biggest problem

is that we don't
even love ourselves.

Oh.

- We deserve to love ourselves
without a chick magnet,

or a hot as fuck girlfriend.

- Wow, that was beautiful, bro.

- I'm proud of you, man.

- You are so smart.
- Thank you.

- God, you all
deserve one another.

Shame you can't just
date each other.

- I mean, we would have the
best time, like all the time.

- Yeah, and well,
I guess they do say

you should date
your best friends.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, they do say that.

And I hear, I hear sexuality
is a bit of a spectrum.

- It is.
- Can be.

It is a spectrum.
- You know what I mean?

It is, it's a whole-

- Yeah.

It's
a whole spectrum.

- Yeah.
- So, you know.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Put it out.

We would have the best time.

Oh.

- Hmm, oh, yeah.

- Just, Larry.
- Yeah.

Just come over
here for a second, yeah.

Okay, just a little.

Oh, yeah.

Can I
just have a soft one?

Oh.

Can you do
the rough stuff with me?

Come here, you.

- Let me in.

I told you we're not
going anywhere without Saira.

- What are you doing?

- Saira?

Oh, thank God you're
okay.

Mind if I

bum a lift?

- Yeah, I just don't think
that would really make sense.

You know what I mean?

- Oh, come on, are you
seriously mad at me?

- Yeah.
- Fair.

You're looking better.

Yeah, it
was mostly just cum.

- Oh, fuck, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.

We don't wanna
ever see you again.

Oh, you
can have this back.

- I've never been
more attracted to you.

Where to now, Sasha?

- Back to Clitopolis.

No.

- Also, just as a
heads up, it's Saira.

Oh my God.

Have I been saying it
wrong the whole time?

That is so embarrassing.

I am so sorry, Saiyeera.

Saira.

That's what I'm saying.

No, listen
to what I'm saying.

♪ Are you seriously
friendzoning me ♪

♪ You can't be seriously
friendzoning me ♪

♪ Say you don't
even wanna be poly ♪

♪ I can't believe this,
you're friendzoning me ♪

♪ You were my desire ♪

♪ My heart was up higher ♪

♪ But you burned
it down like fire ♪

♪ Oh, you better
watch out for Saira ♪

♪ Yeah, you better
watch out for Saira ♪

♪ Well, you better
watch out for Saira ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Just because you ♪

♪ Doesn't mean I owe you shit ♪

♪ Just because you
shot your shot ♪

♪ Doesn't mean that you get it ♪

♪ This isn't a transaction ♪

♪ Your kind of satisfaction ♪

♪ Doesn't buy you a fuck,
I don't owe you shit ♪

♪ Not in the friendzone ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy ♪

♪ You don't get to ♪

♪ Just because you
pretend to care ♪

♪ Doesn't mean I drop my pants ♪

♪ This isn't a transaction ♪

♪ Your kind of satisfaction ♪

♪ Doesn't buy you a fuck,
I don't owe you shit ♪

♪ Not in the friendzone ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy ♪

♪ Not in the friendzone ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Don't believe it, asshole,
you're not a nice guy ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh no ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Saira, there she goes ♪

♪ Will she save
Kiki, no one knows ♪

♪ There she goes, oh,
Saira, there she goes ♪

♪ Will she save
Kiki, no one knows ♪

♪ Yeah, wrote my song down ♪

♪ Woo ♪