All language subtitles for Visit.to.a.Small.Planet.1960.(Jerry.Lewis).1080p.BRRip.x264-Classics.en

And in the remote outer
reaches of the universe,

past civilization as we know it,

is a galactic system
called, the milky way.

Now this minor galaxy

contains in its backwards area

a rather piddling star

known as: The sun.

With a really pitiful
array of planets.

So much for our lesson
in space geography.

And I hope you all took notes.

They'll be a test first
thing in the century, now then...

Where is he?

Well, speak up. Where is kreton?

During recess, I saw him kick
the ball over cloud 9.

On purpose.

Oh, but he said he'd be
right back Mr. Delton.

Yes, he better be.

I wonder if he's headed...

There again! Oh, no.

That's kreton, alright.

Goofiest driver in the whole school.

Kreton.

Uh-uh, mustn't touch.

Let's go buster, back
here where you belong.

- It's him.
- It's he.

Alright young man, I
know you're there, come out.

Why don't you come in?

Because I'm the
teacher and I said, come out.

Well, I didn't mean
any harm, Mr. delton.

You see, Mr. delton? I found my ball.

- Oh, I'll get it.
- Oh, no you don't.

Young man, you and I are going to
have 7 little heart to heart talk.

Back to your seats all of you.

Not you.

Now then...

You know perfectly well you've
been forbidden to visit,

that odious little
planetoid in the solar system.

But Mr. delton, the
earth isn't a planetoid,

it's a full grown planet, it has six
continents, five oceans, 2 moons...

- One moon.
- One moon?

Well, anyhow, it's my hobby.

See, and well, as I calculate
it, right now down there,

they're having a very
interesting period: The civil war.

Well gee whiz, Mr. Dalton. Every
guy should have a hobby.

Not in your case.

Remember Mars, your last hobby?

We should have never let
you set foot on the place.

Bare, barren, desolate.

Nobody goes there anymore.

No...

Say, maybe if they
put in gambling you know...

Nothing would help.

Thanks to your
thoughtlessness, Mars is a dead planet.

What good is it?

Well, you could...

Now kreton, I want you to write:

"I will not visit the
earth�, 10 billion times.

Stay after school
a bit, if necessary.

But Mr. delton, I got
a date with the fellas,

to go space skiing.

I got wax on my feet and everything.

10 billion times.

10 billion.

Well.

Did he say 10 billion
times, or 10 million times?

What's the difference I'll
start with the first time.

L... will... not... visit... the...

He's gone again.
Boy, is he in for it.

You mean, "is the earth in for it."

It is...

It is one of them.

Itis. It is.

Hello Mr. mayberry.

I just picked up my
costume for your party tonight.

What are you going as?

General Lee, same as every year.

What are you looking at?

A flying saucer.

A what?

Didn't you see it?

Well, no sir.

This is the real thing, Conrad.

Look for yourself.

You see it? Do you see it?

Now, Mr. mayberry,
there ain't nothing up there

except a little old cloud.

Oh, give me those.

Little old cloud
nothing. There she is.

Going round and round and round.

- Let me have another look.
- Just as plain as day.

- Well?
- I'm looking.

What is your considered
opinion, Conrad?

You won't get mad?

Well, of course I won't.

Well, Mr. mayberry, my
considered opinion is:

You oughta' see an eye doctor.

You got astigmatism.

Eye doctor!

Well, I gotta get over to spelding's,

I gotta drop these flowers for Ellen.

Astigmatism!

To wear to your party tonight.

Bye-bye.

Oh, my goodness.

It's wiggling like a hula-hoop.

George, I fully realise that you are
vice president in charge of programming

but I will not pull my punches.

The American public has
faith in Roger Putnam spelding.

And I intend to expose
this flying saucers scare,

once and for all.

On my telecast tonight.

Hello, hello.

Rheba, will you please get off the
telephone I'm talking to New York.

I'm sorry dear, I was
calling the mayberry's.

Do you think you he'll
need more mint for the juleps?

Rheba please, I'm
talking to George Abercrombie.

Really? Oh, hello George and goodbye.

Evening, Conrad.

Evening, Mrs. spelding.

Not dressed yet for the party?

Plenty of time, Mrs. spelding.

Oh, darling, there's
some terrible force

that just keeps
driving me on and on and on.

Will you just restrain
that terrible force

because I'm getting
prickly heat again.

Don't forget to dress
for the party, Conrad.

Honey, let's get married right now.

Conrad, as you may have suspected,

I find you sexually attractive,

but you just don't have any... money.

Well, I don't happen
to believe in money.

Ellen, no marriage til we
finish college and get our degree.

Oh I don't know, maybe marriage
is all I'm fit for.

Breeding.

Out in the fields and an
hour later back to the plow.

Carrying my newborn child on my back.

Ellen!

If you're going to talk that way,

go where smart talk is appreciated.

Go to a bar or a bus station.

Sometimes I wonder if
all that COD liver ail,

wasn't a mistake.

Children were stuffed with it.

And now look at them.

I'd like a big family.

So would I.

Let's start right now.

- Conrad.
- We'll get married.

And then our weekend at the lake.

All I am saying George,

is that it's high time the
American public grew up.

How does it look dear?

George, I am not calling all
of the American public, "boobs,"

only the boobs that
believe this dribble.

I'll admit it's a bit daring

but after all, Scarlet was, a hussy.

Rheba, for heaven's sake.

- Hurry, or we'll be late for the party.
- Shh.

Rhett...

I am going as Jefferson Davis.

Now that's final George.

My program goes on the air
exactly as we taped it this morning.

Goodbye.

Censorship, the curse
of the intelligent man.

And what are you doing?

He's just giving me a hand, daddy.

He certainly is. Get it out of there.

Her zipper stuck, Mr. spelding.

No man has the right to zip a girl,

until they're engaged.

Oh, I'm sure we can trust Conrad,

he's very mechanical.

Mr. spelding, what do you
think about these ufo reports?

Poppycock.

Mr. mayberry doesn't think so.

He swears he saw an
unidentified flying object,

heading towards
Richmond a little while ago.

Bob mayberry saw the Richmond
plane heading towards Richmond.

Mass hysteria that's what it is.

I am laying it on the line tonight
for the American public.

You could be wrong, dear.

Space men. There
ain't no such animal.

That's the phrase I'm
hitting them with on my telecast.

Remember that scoop
you had about Elvis.

You said he was going into the Navy.

Why don't you go
home and get dressed?

Yes, sir. Ouch!

I'll be back soon Ellen.

All right dear.

Some mechanic.

Flying saucer over Richmond.

Now I've heard everything.
There ain't no such animal.

Safe.

Good evening, I
wonder if you could help me?

Am I any where near eh...

Oh, I guess he hasn't
learned to read yet.

What's the matter rags? Hungry?

Rheba, when are you
going to feed this dog?

I think he's trying
to tell you something.

Of course he is, he's
trying to tell me he's hungry.

You see, he's not hungry at all.

- Now, where he ever learn that trick?
- I don't know.

Someone at the side
door. I'll get it dear.

Rheba, it's almost seven do you mind turning
on the TV set in the living room.

Of course, dear. Any
particular channel?

My channel.

I want to watch me.
Nobody else in this house does.

- Yes?
- Good evening, madam.

My name kreton, and my
respects to general Lee.

I should like to see him instantly.

General Lee? Oh, you mean
Bob mayberry down the road.

That's where the party is.

But I'm here for the battle.

Oh, I don't think it will be a brawl,

although last year...

We will be leaving in a few minutes.

Why don't you just drive
over with us, Mr. crouton?

Uh, that's kreton. And
thank you very much.

TV set warmed up yet?

Just turning it on, dear.

My husband's television
program. He's very popular they tell me.

Oh, really?

- Oh, Mr. kreton?
- Yes?

Do sit down and watch.

Well, television in 1861.

That's funny, I thought
it came much later.

- Smoke if you'd like to.
- Thank you.

And stop whatever you're doing.

Yes, stop and reflect a moment.

Are you a thinking man?

Yeah, I think, I'm a thinking man.

Why not review your smoking habits.

Wait, I'm busy thinking.

Do it now.

Yes, sir.

But first... relax.

You mind if I sit down?

Sit down.

Thank you, you're very kind.

Now then, before you light up...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Inspect the filter at
the end of your smoke.

Look inside... look closely.

What do you see?

Tobacco, what would you see?

Inspect the tobacco.

Try a crumble test.

A crumble test?

Rub the tobacco between your hands.

Now, whiff it.

Wait, I'm still busy crumbling.

Whiff it!

Oh, yes sir.

Does it have that
fresh deep down aroma?

Makes you stop and
think, doesn't it..

It made me stop and sneeze.

So men just throw that
old smoke of yours away.

And try one of these.

Put it between your lips.

Close your eyes.

Now... light up.

Yes... light up... and live.

Light up and live?

Man. I'm going to be burned to death.

You damn yankee.

His name is kreton.

Why can't he walk over
there? Who is he anyway?

Some friend of the mayberry's.

A nice young man.

Oh, confound it. I'm missing me.

This dog has gone
nuts. Now scoot, jump.

For several years now certain
lunatics elements,

have proclaimed the
existence of flying saucers.

I should like to nail the
subject down once and for all.

There ain't no such animal.

There is no life on other
planets capable of building spaceships

and to interject a
purely American note,

no country in the world but ours,

has the industrial know
how to build such a ship.

Right.

Let me show you some
recent photographs

of objects purported
to be spaceships.

- Why, president Jefferson Davis.
- Number one.

Of all people, I can't tell
you how glad I am to meet you...

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir.

For what?

Number two.

Your left side-burn
sir... They, shot it off.

Number three.

- Quiet.
- I'm sorry?

I'm trying to listen.

Oh. I'll listen also sir.

And number four.

Optical illusions, every one of them.

Mass hysteria.

That's telling them, eh, boy.

Yes, sir. It's too
bad, is full of hooey.

Hooey?

Oh well, I believe that's
the expression, sir..

Oris it eh, goofidust?

No, hooey! That's it.
He is full of hooey.

There's no need for
alarm. No need at all.

We shall return to Roger Putnam
spelding, in a moment.

But first. Have you
inspected your filter lately.

Smoke supurbo.

Superb tobacco superbly blended

a superb filter.

Mr. president, don't
you listen to him.

He'll burn your whiskers off.

Oh, stop.

I mean it, sir. He did a job on
me. He burned my head and my face...

You think I'm full of hooey, eh?

Oh, no sir. I didn't
say you were full of hooey,

I said that... that... that...

Well... your not Jefferson Davis.

Your himthatmanon TV.

- That Roger pelman sputing.
- Spelding.

I know who I am. The question
is: Who are you?

Oh, no sir. The
question is: When am I?

When are you?

What I mean is... what year is this?

1960.

I'm 99 years off.

What year did you have in mind?

1861. You see, I was
on my way to the civil war

and something went
wrong with the machine,

or my calculations, I
don't know which, but...

I landed here 99 years out of my way.

But I never was very good at dates.

Are you trying to pull my leg?

No, sir, but if you'd like me to...

Oh, I've been awfully rude, sir,

I haven't introduced
myself. My name is kreton.

I'm from the other side.

The other side of where?

The other side of the
universe, another planet.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Actually, what...

Come on, come on, I
know a trick when I see one.

Now where's the wire that
you did this with?

What is this?

I'm sorry, I neglected
to warn you. You see,

I can touch you but you
mustn't touch me, you understand?

Look, I'll show you.

You see?

They do exist and you're one of them.

Well, you... you come from out there.

That's it, yes indeed.

But that's our little
secret now, isn't it Mr. spelding?

That's odd. I thought I
turned that motor off.

Oh, I'll be spending the night
here. That is... if it's convenient.

I'll be right back.

When you boobs my
friends, I simply repeat:

When it comes to
visitors from outer space,

there ain't no such animal.

That's what you
think, you stupid boob.

Oh, Mr. delton, sir.

You playing hookey too?

I certainly am not.

So you've gone over
the cloud again eh?

What's your excuse this
time? Another missing volleyball?

Oh, no sir. No, Mr. delton.

I
- I lost my marbles.

You lost your marbles long ago.

Well, I'll tell the
truth, Mr. delton.

You see the reason I played
hookie and came down here is,

because well, I like the
earth and I like the people on it,

and well sir, can't I study them?

Absolutely not.

But it would be like homework, sir,

after all I am
majoring in the planet earth.

Under no circumstances.

On second thought,

maybe you ought to get
this out of your system.

It might do you a world of good.

Another world that is.

You mean I can stay then, sir?

For a bit.

But remember kreton,
there's a wise old proverb that goes

"up is down and down is up..."

"And never the twain shall meet."

Yes, I remember it. I
remember it well, sir.

But you must keep in
mind that this visit of yours,

must be a secret.

And don't get involved with these
earth people. You can't trust them.

No, you can't trust them at all, sir,

except Mr. spelding, he's very nice,

an he wouldn't tell a soul about me.

He wouldn't, eh?

At this very moment, he's
calling New York. Listen.

I don't care if he is having
dinner. This is important.

I'll fix his wagon.

What are you going to do, Mr. delton?

That joker is getting the old "86."

Oh no don't disintegrate,
him Mr. Delton, please.

He's a very nice man, and
he's going to a party later

and his wife won't
have anyone to dance with.

Couldn't you just
throw an old 14 at him?

- 14 it is.
- Your very kind.

Here's how I start
my program tomorrow...

Well, speak up man. I have a
dinner party waiting for me.

How do you intend to
start your broadcast?

Mary had a wittle wamb,

its fleece was white as snow,

and everywhere that Mary went.

Roger, are you out of your mind?

The wamb... was sure... to go.

Spelding you're drunk.

Study these earthlings
but don't get involved.

No, I won't.

Do you worry, Mr.
delton and thank you very much.

And I'll be a good boy, Mr.
delton. Have a good trip.

So long.

What happened?

Well, you were snitching
so you got a 14.

You could have gotten an 86.

What's an 867?

Come, I'll show you.

Well?

Watch that plant.

That's an 86.

You'll like him, he's
really a very nice young man.

- Mr. kreton.
- Yes?

This is my daughter, Ellen.

Hello.

Huh. 36.

30.

That's better... much better.

Pardon?

- I mean... this bend...
- What?

What I mean to say is that,
it does something for girls.

You see, where I come from, the
girls are 36 straight and that's it.

But this, breaks up the monotony.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- He is cute, mother.

I was right.

I was right. I was right.

Good evening, Ellen, rheba.

I just received a flash from headquarters
on the flying saucers.

It's confirmed Roger.

Why I even saw one with
my own eyes, as plain as day.

There were machine guns
sticking out of the side

and underneath it
had a rack of bombs,

and a tremendous Cannon
poking out of a pillbox on the top.

Oh, ho ho?

- How do you do.
- How do you do.

Have we met?

No, unless you've ever been to x-47.

This is Mr. mayberry.
He's host to the party tonight.

Oh?

Nice costume.

Right costume, wrong century.

At 1800 this evening, an
unidentified flying object

was spotted high over...

Bob, you shouldn't
read that in front of Roger.

Remember, there
"ain't" no such animal.

"No such animal,� as what, mother?

As visitors from beyond.

Teensy-winsy little men with
long green feelers like this.

Excuse me, Mrs. spelding,

but the long green feelers
went out with the short red tails.

Short red tails??

Bob, rheba, for heaven's sake.

Short red tails!

That's a good one.

No.

Oh no.

Yes, yes indeed. You put
fingerprints all over it.

I mean, I don't care
for me personally,

but we are supposed to keep it clean.

You know, sloppy
barrier, sloppy mind.

You know what's
going on rog, tell us?

I can't. I have to
watch out for that old 86.

look what happened
to the azalea plant.

It's withered!

That's what I mean.

Can I tell them, please?

Well, as long as I am going
to be a guest in your house,

I suppose it'll be alright.

But remember now.

This is our little secret.

- You see...
- I'm from another world.

- From another...?
- Planet.

- It's true.
- Jupiter?

Jupiter? No one lives on Jupiter.

Well, at least no one I know.

Why did you come here?

Oh... I guess it was a

combined pleasure and study trip.

You know, a visit to
your small planet from mine.

8,000,000 light years away.

8,000,000. Imagine.

Poor boy, you must be exhausted.

I am as a matter of fact
a little pooped right now.

A good night sleep
will take care of that.

I'll fix up the guest room.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Hi everybody.

Hi, Conrad.

What is he supposed to be?

A spaceman.

At least that's what I
would have said 10 minutes ago.

Ain't I something?

Excuse me, please.

How do you do?

I wonder, do you mind?

Go ahead.

Thank you.

You know I'm sick and tired
of going to this old

ball every year
dressed as stonewall Jackson.

This year I'm going as
a sure enough spaceman.

Boom boom.

Oh, you don't need that
to boom boom. May 1?

Sure.

Mr. spelding, who is that?

That you boob, is a spaceman.

A spaceman?

You're kidding.

Will you please sit down and shut up?

Oh, I'm sorry Mr. spelding.

Get this thing off Mel

get it off.

Yes, I will. Just a second.

Oops I'm sorry, Mr. spelding. I guess
I aimed just a little too high.

If you'll just take
your hands down and relax.

Just hold perfectly still.

There we are.

See, Mr. spelding,
I can but you can't.

Sure enough ever loving
cotton picking spaceman.

Here you are Mr. spelding,
I hope that I didn't upset...

Guest room's ready.

Thank you, very much Mrs.
spelding. I hope I didn't put you out.

And you'll find some of Mr.
spelding's clothes in the closet.

Feel free to wear them.

My clothes?!? Are you radioactive?

Oh, you needn't worry about
that sir, I've had my shots.

Well, enjoy yourselves
everybody. I'm going to beddy-bye.

- Goodnight.
- You forgot your bag, kreton.

Oh, so I did, thank
you. And thank you.

Bob...

Where are you going?

I know my duty when I see it.

I'm reporting this to state militia.

I wouldn't do that.
He wants it kept secret.

Secret?

Oh. Of course. You can trust me, rog.

Won't tell a soul.

Conrad?

I won't tell a soul
either Mr. spelding.

Your darned right you won't.

You think I'd let a blabber
mouth like you get me in trouble?

You are not leaving
this house tonight.

You are sleeping here.

In my room.

I'm sorry, Mr.
spelding, I just can't.

I mean... well, I'm not gonna
leave myrtle alone in my place all night.

- Myrtle?
- His goat daddy. Remember?

Oh yeah...

Myrtle hasn't been a
bit well Mr. spelding.

She looks very piqued.

And in the last couple of days she's
been running a temperature.

Well, she can run it over
here. Put myrtle in our barn.

- Is it air conditioned?
- Get going.

Yes sir, I'll do that.

What about the party daddy?

We are not going to the party.

Good evening, good evening.

Mabel, Mabel. Get them
to the living room.

- What?
- Get them into the living room, please.

Hurry, dear, hurry.

Will you all please go into the
living room and enjoy yourself.

I'll be there in just a moment.

Have fun.

Robert, what in the world...?

Don't ask any questions, Mabel.

This is the biggest thing
that ever happened to manassas...

To the country!

Captain Jackson?
Mayberry of manassas.

Listen carefully, this
is top, top secret.

At precisely 7:45 tonight...

Mary had a wittle wamb.

Mustn't do that, Mr. mayberry.

Oh, hiya rags. Come on in. Come on.

There's no reason why we
can't be friends, rags.

Now, whats on your
mind? Come on, out with it.

Oh, I forgot.

I don't believe it.
There ain't no such human.

You been spending too
much time with Mr. spelding.

I am perfectly normal.

Rags, where do you sleep at night?

Me? In a lousy box on the back porch.

They think I'm a watchdog,

but I'm really not. I'm yellow.

Soaml.

Rags I have a thought. Why
don't you bunk here with me tonight?

- With you?
- Sure, why not?

On.

Rags, you take the lower.

Normal... he says.

- Good morning, kreton.
- Oh, good morning, Ellen.

- You look very pretty this morning.
- Thank you.

Well, how do you like it?

Your first day on earth, I mean.

Oh! Oh that.

Just wonderful. I like it a lot.

Except that, it's not
exactly like I thought it would be.

Why, what did you imagine?

Well, I'm a little disappointed,
you know, I missed the civil war and

gettysburg, and Shiloh, and manassas.

You keep talking about the
past, are you from the future?

Yeah, uh-huh. I can visit you
at any moment in your history.

You know, time is really a trapezoid.

You know what that means, don't you?

No, I'm afraid I don't.

You don't know what a trapezoid is?

Well, I don't either, actually.

That's the trouble
with school, you see,

they make you memorize things
that your never ever gonna use.

Kreton, what's it like in space?

Oh, it's pretty nice. Especially
if you're traveling out of season.

Uh oh.

- Uh oh, trouble.
- Trouble?

Your daddy's in the study,

and he's waiting for a call
from George Abercrombie in New York,

and is he worried...

You mean, you can
tell what daddy's thinking?

Uh huh. Would you like to listen in?

George Abercrombie,
big shot executive,

thinks he has brains.
Well, I've got news for him.

His brains aren't in his
head they're in his...

Oops.

You have to be awfully
careful of thoughts.

Like for instance:
Your thoughts. Right now.

I haven't a thing on my mind.

Except Conrad.

The truth, Ellen?

Poor Conrad, sleeping with daddy,

and if daddy knew what he was planning
for this weekend at the lake

he'd strangle him in his sleep.

No chaperones.

I'm frighted...

No, I'm excited.

I'm really looking forward fo...

He's inside. Kreton's inside my mind.

Kreton, stop that!

Well, Ellen, wait a minute,

I mean, well, I
didn't mean to embarrass you.

Well, now you know.

Oh, kreton, the whole
thing is so mixed up.

Well, lets un-mix it.

First, how does Conrad
feel about your father?

I'm afraid he doesn't
like daddy very much.

And what does your
father think about Conrad?

Despises him.

Well, then the first thing
we have to do is,

change the sleeping arrangement.

Because last night
certainly wasn't satisfactory at all.

Now, there are 3
bedrooms and I'm in one.

Now, let's put Mr. and Mrs.
spelding in bedroom a, together.

Now, you and Conrad...

Yes, this is going to
work out just fine, Ellen.

You and Conrad can
take over bedroom b.

But, Conrad and I, aren't married.

Well, I didn't mean
any harm by it, Ellen.

You have to understand that, well, you
see, where I come from, we don't tangle.

You don't tangle?

Oh no, we haven't
done that for a long time.

Well, if you don't tangle...

What do you do?

I mean, how do you multiply?

Multiply what?

Each other. How do you have babies?

- Oh we don't.
- I don't understand.

Well, let me explain,
Ellen. You see, we have ourselves.

And, well, since we're
for real, forever.

Well, there's enough of us.

Do you understand?

So now you... never tangle.

No, never. It's a lost art.

Although I must admit we were
a little hasty. I think.

But, anyway, you must
promise me that you'll let me watch,

the next time you and Conrad
oscillate antennas.

Oscillate antennas?

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that's
what they call it on Venus,

but down here I believe they
refer to it as " pitch and woo."

May I watch?

Well, Ellen, what did I say now?

That's really the one thing I
wanna see while I'm down here.

Kreton, you've got to
stop talking like that.

I know that you're
from another planet and all,

I guess we do think an
awful lot about sex down here.

But we're not supposed to discuss it.

Anyway, it only
happens when nobody's looking.

Morning, Conrad.

Did you sleep well?

I was up all night...

Ell...

Ellen, your father grinds his teeth.

It's just gruesome.

He's been listening to my mind.

Huh?

I know all about
the weekend at the lake.

No chaperone.

Yeah, how 'bout that?

How'd he find out?

I just told you. I
was thinking about you,

and kreton saw it in my mind.

Guess who I'm thinking about right
this minute peach blossom.

So that's how you
earthlings do it, huh?

Very interesting.
Very interesting, indeed.

Well, I'm pretty well
straightened away except for one little detail.

A teensy-winsy thing I'm
still not too sure of.

- Which one has the baby?
- Kreton!

Conrad, go get the car,
we'll be late for class.

Ahh, in a minute.

I got to go out to the barn and
give myrtle her breakfast.

I'll take her a corn flakes box.

I'll pick you up in a
few minutes honey child.

Corn flake box?

This seems much more nourishing.

I do believe he thinks more
of that goat than he does of me.

What a weekend.

I can just see her gorgeous
figure in that bathing suit.

Wow-wee!

Well, you're the one alright.

Nobody ever whistled at
a goat in a bathing suit.

Except another goat I guess.

Oh, there you are.

If you're not busy, Mr. kreton, my
husband would see you in the study.

Oh, gladly.

What are you laughing at dear?

Conrad's goat in a bathing suit.

Oh? Did he buy her a bathing suit?

I didn't know she could swim.

Why don't you hang a red
light on that thing,

it's a menace to navigation.

- Good morning, my boy.
- Good morning, sir.

I need your advice. I
just spoke to New York...

I know. You spoke to
George Abercrombie,

and he's on his way here,

he's arriving on
the 11 o'clock plane.

How did you...? Oh... You
know what I'm thinking.

Uh huh, and right now
you're pretty worried, aren't you?

Of course I'm worried.

That fellow's my boss.

Hires and fires, fires
and hires, all day long.

Why did I do that? I
never drink before breakfast.

A drink what? What is that?

- Bourbon.
- Bourbon? May I try?

I'm afraid you're a
little young my boy.

Young? Here's my
driver's license. See?

I'm over 21.

21 million light years?

Yes, you should have seen my
birthday cake with all the candles.

Burned it to a crisp.

I'd be careful...
on an empty stomach.

Really? Then should be a lotta fun.

Mr. delton, are you
gonna' let him try that stuff?

I am indeed. It'll
teach him a lesson.

Give that lad enough
cloud and he'll hang himself.

Good, good.

Wow, that sure was powerful stuff.

Thank you very much.

Now, now, you can talk
later. Time for breakfast.

Ellen and Conrad want to drive
Mr. kreton into town with them.

Do you like your
bacon crisp Mr. kreton?

Yes, that'll be fine.

Good. You shouldn't
be up there, you know.

You'll get footprints
all over the ceiling.

Oh, by the way, you can
make my eggs, sunny side down.

Now that's silly.

Now I know what they
mean by "being high".

Let's have another one.

Well, I'm beginning to
understand how they do things here on earth.

When Conrad tickles your ear,

that makes the motor go, right?

Conrad, tickling my ear, has
nothing to do with the motor.

It has to do with your motor?

You oughta try it sometime.

Love... it's wonderful.

Oh, well, we gave up ages ago.

It took us darn near
forever to stamp out disease.

Scarlet fever, mumps,
anxiety, the common cold and finally,

that great killer: Passion.

You gave up passion?

Oh yeah, we don't feel
anything. We don't do anything.

Inside we're sort of
like... Cold spaghetti, you know?

- Sounds terribly dull.
- Well, it is, a little.

You go right ahead,
Conrad. Don't mind me.

Oh, I'm sorry, I was watching.

Unless we get moving
soon we're going to be late.

Kreton, you did that.
How'd you ever do it?

Very simple. I just thought
him into the air.

The next policeman is yours.

- Oh, may I?
- Sure!

- Hey, this is fun.
- Oh, it sure is.

- Oh, is this is one mine?
- Be my guest.

- Oh no.
- What do I do?

Well, just focus all your
thoughts on that policeman.

- Ellen, please.
- Conrad, watch this.

Nothing happened.

That's because you're
not concentrating, Ellen.

Now, concentrate. Lift the cop.

Lift the cop.

Conrad! I did it! He
moved! He really moved!

That was wonderful, Ellen.

Tomorrow I'll teach
you to lift buildings.

Isn't this fun?

Hey!

Would you kindly stop
flirting with my girl?

Well, I didn't mean any harm, Conrad.

Inside, cold spaghetti, remember?

Cold spaghetti nothing.

You got a hot Chile look in your eye!

Look, look, here he comes.

You'll probably wind up in jail.

Oh, we can't do that. It
would spoil our whole day.

Uh, watch him. I'll
give him an 8 the easy way.

You know your way
back home, don't you fella?

Well, I found my way
to the earth didn't 1?

That's a lot easier than
finding your way out of a turnpike.

On.

Well... thanks for the car, Conrad.

I'll be careful.

These turnpikes are
murder. Ain't they bud?

Oh, they're not so
bad, just follow me.

Flash! Ladies and gentlemen,

the most remarkable event
in the history of Virginia

has just occurred in manassas.

At exactly 9:37 am,

at the Richmond interchange...

Mary had a wittle wamb.

Its fleece was white as show

and everywhere that Mary went

the wamb was sure to go.

Hi Clementine.

Oh, hi honey. Well, how are you?

Now what's this all about?

Everyday the same old routine.

And I'm getting pretty tired of it.

Here he comes, the
terror of manassas.

Here, here now neighbors
should be friends.

Now, I want you two to shake hands.

I positively refuse!

Right in the eye.
You call her a lady?

Alright now stop this bickering

and I'm not leaving here
until you two kiss and make up.

I won't kiss him but he can kiss me.

There, now that wasn't
so terrible was it?

Dames, she really loves it.

Mrs. spelding...

Roger's been in there listening to
mr Abercrombie for almost an hour.

I don't like that ambercrombie.

I'm sure Roger's
going to lose his job.

Don't you worry about
that mrs spelding.

We're fraternity brothers!

You've made a few
mistakes too many old man.

George, if you're saying...

I'm saying that viewer wise,

sponsor wise, information wise.

You, spelding, are
low man on the totem pole.

The flag is down the lifeboats are
gone and the ship is sinking.

- And I'm the captain?
- But not for long.

You're going down for the third time.

Who's this joker?

Kreton? Oh, he's a visitor here.

Last night about 7 o'clock

Mary had a wittle wamb
its fleece was white as...

Spelding! Are you in
your second childhood?

Yes sir, there's no
other explanation.

Abercrombie, I've been looking
forward to meeting you for a long time.

You've always been a-1 on my ship

ever since the
lifeboat went up the totem pole.

I beg your pardon?

What I mean to say man is
you're the talk of Madison Avenue.

Oh? Oh well... aren't
you exaggerating a trifle?

Not a bit. How about that
humdinger of a deal you pulled on.

Bb. Dd. Jj. And w, huh?

You really gave them the old stabbed
in the back. Knife wise.

I really pulled a fast
one there didn't I.

Wait a minute.

Nobody knew about the bb,
dd, jj, and w deal, not even w.

How did you find out?

Well don't tell me. From my wife.

No! Eloise.

Shh! Nobody knows about Eloise.

Not even your wife.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure.

He's sure.

Oh, good good.

You see when a man
has a wife like mine

and Eloise, like Eloise.

Well, he can get in an awful mess.

Would you pardon me, I
want to get some more ice.

Sure.

What's he thinking about?
Am I going to lose my job?

Very important to
get rid of spelding.

I'm sunk.

Oh no you're not.

Oh, eh, spelding.

I suggest we let this
simmer in the pot for a while.

And about that bb,
dd, jj, and w business.

And... Eloise.

This is strictly
"entre nous" of course.

Oh, of course.

I won't say a word.

No, not as long as you still
have your job eh, mr spelding.

Oh I get it, blackmail!

It's not bad... blackmail.

No, I use it all the time myself.

You've got quite a future in
the advertising game young man.

Cheerio.

- Goodbye George.
- Oh, goodbye rheba.

Remember me to your charming wife.

Oh, yes of course.

Thanks, my boy. You saved my neck.

Well, I don't like him.

How'd everything go dear?

Fine, just fine, thanks
to our young friend here.

He really straightened
old George out.

Glad to have been of service, sir.

Aah. What a great
son-in-law he'd make.

- You mean instead of Conrad?
- I certainly do.

Well, I don't know...
sputniks, for grandchildren

but I don't think
parents should interfere,

mine didn't or I wouldn't be Mrs. Roger
Putnam-spelding, would I dear?

Conrad, you know what I think
we oughta do tonight?

- Get married?
- No, silly.

I think we should take kreton
to the "hungry brain."

- He might enjoy it.
- I wouldn't enjoy it.

Not with him.

- You're jealous.
- I can't help it.

Baby doll, marry me.

Darling, I can't.
Daddy would be furious.

If your daddy thought it would
get me out of his bedroom tonight

he'd forge the wedding license.

Darling, I just can't marry you.

You're sweet, but
maybe what I really want,

what I really need, is someone who'd
drag me around be the hair.

Oh, you started. Good.

Oh don't mind me, I
won't make a sound.

I'll just sit back here and
take notes. You go right ahead.

Kreton, we went all through
that this morning.

It's not polite to snoop on people.

That's right mister.

Well, I didn't mean
any harm. I'm sorry.

Kreton, Conrad and I have
decided to take you out tonight.

You decided..

We decided.

No we didn't.

Yes we did!

Well, I'm not going!

Then we'll go alone!

Mister, I don't approve of my
girl going out with strange men.

Kreton is not strange!

They don't come any stranger!

Kreton, you and I are going
to the hungry brain tonight.

Oh wonderful!

What is it?

Well, it's our favorite
rendezvous. And it's out of this world.

Out of this world? I'd
better dress for it.

Well, here we are.

On the moon?

On the moon! No.

No Ellen, the hungry brain.

Come on dear.

What's the matter Ellen, you're trembling.
Did I drive too fast for you?

No, it's just that I never cross the
river before without using the bridge.

Kreton, don't you
know what Bridges are for?

Yeah, to shade the fish.

Mr. mayberry.

Thank you!

Let's go.

Man, now that's out.

That's so out, he ain't ever been in.

Well, real old fashioned music.

I think this is going to be fun.

- Good evening, miss. Spelding.
- Good evening.

Right this way, please.

This cat must be our new leader.

Well, if he ain't, let's elect him.

Crazy. He's a real kook.

Hey kook!

Like uh... who's the new member?

I don't know baby but
he sure looks cool.

Welcome to inner space brother.

Oh, thank you.

Say, that's a real crazy
looking pair of jeans you have dad.

Who laid the threads on you?

Jeans? Threads?

Like who's your tailor,
baby, and where can we find him?

Oh, my tailor. Well, do you
know where the milky way is?

Yeah the...

The milky way.

Yeah, yeah the milky
way. Go baby wail.

Well, you turn right
at the second nebula

and it's the third planet at
the end of the star cluster.

You just ask for Mr. de
Milo and tell him I sent ya'.

Man this cat talks off the top.

He's tuned in.

Tell me double hipness.

What floor do you get out of
when you split from the cloud.

Oh, we don't use floors.

You don't use floors?

Oh no, we use fog.

It's much softer and
far easier to keep clean.

Quite a group aren't they?

Oh yes they are.

Except I'm a little
curious Ellen, tell me one thing...

What are they:
Animal, mineral or vegetable?

There people silly. Beatniks.

Man, what we're
trying to find out is,

where you planted here or
did you come in on the beam?

He wants to know where you come from?

Perhaps you'd rather not tell.

Oh no, I don't mind. I'm
sure they won't say anything.

Oh I'm sorry.

I come from x-47.

I live right near that
tailor I told you about.

Out past the milky way.

Out... past... the milky way.

Past.

Oh man, this cat's
really from out of town.

Alright boys take five.

Hey man, we've been
watching you from the bandstand.

Oh really?

Yeah, you look out enough to make it.

Would you dig wailing with the group?

Oh well, thank you, but
I'm not a musician.

Although, I think I
would like to play those.

- The skins?
- Skins?

The bongos man!

Oh yeah, the bongos, yeah.

Crazy, let's make it.

Like now let's split.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I
think I'd like to play them from here.

You want to play those... from there?

Yeah.

Kreton, how did you do that?

Oh, uh...

Well, it's quite simple,
see, many, many diffrent...

This is a very sad story.

You see, it's all about a girl

who fell in love with
a no good rat Nick,

and it's very touching actually.

Cuckoo!

A little kids a drop
deserted her. Oh my god. Why?

Cuckoo!

Oh, I'll be alright.

It was a lovely number. Too
bad she left out the best part.

What part did she leave out?

The part...

Where her father makes it like he...

He doesn't know he did...

Kreton, now come on.

I get all chocked up when I hear...

Do you mind if I borrow your man?

No, I won't.

Life's a drag daddy-o.

Let's make it.

Oh, well, thank you,
but I'm with her.

No daddy-o, you're with "it".

Come on, honey.

Buzz over to my "hive".

Just watch my hand closely.

Nooo, you're watching too hard.

- Just cool it, man, cool it.
- Cool it.

Yeah.

- There we go.
- Crazy.

Mr. delton should see me now.

I can young man. I see you very well.

Kreton, you were just wonderful.

Oh, it wasn't anything. You
know, sometimes you do things

and you're not really aware of what's
going on because your just doing...

Ellen, what are you
doing under the table?

- I've had it!
- This is ridiculous.

Shave my beard and call
me normal! Let's go!

Oh I didn't mean it!

Don't be scared!

I didn't...

Wait a minute. I...

Kreton, will you
come down from there?

I'm sorry, Ellen, I guess Mr.
delton saw more than I figured.

Say, what are those
cars doing over there?

That's inspiration point.

Don't they have a lover's
Lane where you come from?

Oh no. We gave that
up a long time ago.

Along with mahjong
and community singing.

Would you like to go over
and... Park for a while?

Yeah, that might be interesting.

Hey, kill the lights!

Turn them off!

Turn those lights down!

Turn those lights down!

Turn off those lights.

It seems pretty dull to me.

They're just sitting there and
they're not even talking.

The reason they're not
talking is because they're cuddling.

Look at that gorgeous moon.

Doesn't the moon
mean anything to you?

Of course.

Last stop for gas before Mars.

The moon kreton, spells romance.

That boy and that
girl they're kissing.

The moon did that.

Well now?

Is kissing really fun?

Why don't you try it and find out?

That's a splendid idea. I'll
run over and ask them.

Kreton, there's no need
to make such a long trip.

Stay here.

I believe I will try it.

It is sanitary but
it isn't as much fun.

I'd better get rid
of that old barrier.

Oh, I like that.

You know something?

We're going to do that again.

That's what he thinks.

Kreton this will never
do, there isn't any "oomph".

On the contrary, I felt a
definite ping in my left vertebrae.

Let's have another whirl at it.

Great.

- Oh boy.
- Another ping?

And a pong and a wing ding dong.

I melted it. I melted
it. It's the real thing.

I'm in love.

Exactly as I anticipated.

- He's become an earthling.
- Oh, what a wonderful feeling, Ellen.

He asked for it and I'm afraid
he's going to get it.

- What was that?
- I must have blown a fuse.

- Ellen, do you know why...?
- It's all my fault.

I should never have let you kiss me.

Well, Ellen, don't worry,
I- I'm gonna do the right thing.

I'm gonna ask your
father, for your hand in marriage.

Marriage?

For my hand in...?

Kreton, do you
realize what you're saying?

Well of course I realize, Ellen.

And all the time you
thought was a cad.

Well, coming up?

No, I think I'll go
get some hot milk,

or cold milk or something.

I'll see you in the morning, kreton.

Happy, Ellen?

Well, not exactly happy. I'm more...

More ecstatic. Yeah, me too.

I'm floating on air.

I heard that
outer-space carpetbagger.

You're not going to marry him.

- Are you?
- Of course not, darling.

I just don't want
to hurt his feelings.

What about my feelings.
I'm human, too.

What do I mean "too", he's not
human. Lord knows what he is.

Well, whatever he is,
kreton is kind and sweet and nice.

Oh Conrad, what am I going to do?

You're gonna marry me, that's
what you're gonna do.

- We're going to elope.
- Oh, Conrad.

Just as soon as I
finish this sandwich.

You know rags? Ellen and I
are really meant for each other.

It's really true love.

I know Ellen and I
are from different worlds,

but that shouldn't be an obstacle.

Personally, I don't
believe in mixed marriages.

- Look at me.
- Why, you look just fine.

Fine? My mother was a Mexican
chihuahua and my father, a labrador retriever.

How'd you like to walk around with
a warm nose and a cold tail.

Oh rags, goodnight.

That poor earthling, Conrad.

He thinks he's going
to elope with Ellen.

But I know better.

That's what he thinks.

And you know what's funny, rags?

Mr. delton doesn't have the
slightest idea about what's going on.

That's what he thinks.

Mr. delton thinks that falling in
love will get me into trouble.

That's what he thinks,
boy is he wrong.

That's what he thinks.

Good morning, dear.

Young ones not down yet?

Kreton, Conrad, breakfast is ready.

- Where's Ellen?
- I don't know.

She wasn't in bed when
I woke up this morning.

Neither was Conrad
when I woke... up...

They both must have
had early classes today.

- Good morning, Mr. spelding.
- Good morning, my boy.

- Well, you're in a good mood I see.
- Oh, never better.

Listen to this:

"The amalgamated
television network today renewed."

"Roger Putnam spelding's contract
for another 5 years."

It's your work my boy.

I want you to know that
I'm deeply grateful.

Well, don't mention it...

- Dad.
- Dad?

- Well, Mr. spelding...
- Yes?

You see, there comes a
time in every spaceman's life,

when he finally meets
the girl of his clouds.

Now, you see sir, I've put away enough
blue dingles not only to support...

Roger, Mr. kreton, come quickly.

This is actually the uh... point I'm
uh... trying to make Mr. spelding uh...

You see, Mr. spelding... oh.

Now what is it?

- The most wonderful thing has happened.
- What happened?

They married. Conrad and
Ellen are husband and wife.

- Husband and wife?
- They did elope.

- You see, dad...
- Dadi?!

Mr. spelding, we just
had to get married.

What do you mean "had to?"

Well, I mean we couldn't wait
another minute. Not with him around.

- So we eloped.
- Eloped you, you, you...

- Goat herder you.
- Ellen!

Daddy please!

- I don't know why you but I...
- We thought of this...

Don't get upset, Mr.
spelding, I guess the best man won.

- Now wait a minute.
- Excuse me dear.

I don't believe the
children have had breakfast.

- Conrad, you will stay.
- I'll be happy to.

Congratulations, old man, I
hope we can still be friends.

You mean you don't
feel "that way" about Ellen?

Oh, she's like a sister to me.

A sister, eh, kreton?

Well, I'll just show them
how you really feel about her.

Ellen oh, Ellen, you
babe with that crazy build.

I've been watching you shake
it around this house

and you've been watching me
watching you and it's driving me mad.

Wow!

Kreton, what are you saying?

I do not know, someone
unzipped my mind.

Mr. delton. Please.

We don't need words
honey, not you and me.

The first time I saw you, bells rang,

the earth moved.

It was like there was
nobody else in the world.

Just you and me, and
the black burning nights,

exploding like a
thousand Roman candles.

I propose, mister, that you
discontinue this line of thought at once.

No, no, it's fascinating, really.

But Ellen, I didn't
mean a word of it.

- That is I, I meant it, but...
- What?

No I didn't mean to say
it. Actually, Ellen, I...

And your hungry eyes, begging me,
imploring me and pleading with me,

to take you in my powerful arms.

Wow.

Ellen look, actually this is whole...

Mister the woman you
love happens to be my wife.

- Conrad, please.
- Wait just easy honey. Barrier nothing...

Conrad... go ahead.

Conrad!

Get up.

Let him have it, kreton.

Just bop him one.

There will be no bopping.

Stand still.

It's stuck, Mr.
delton, please, it won't hit.

- Mine won't hit.
- Hit me.

- Mine don't hit.
- Conrad, now stop it.

Mine don't hit.

- What's the matter, you a coward?
- That's it, yeah.

Fight!

Daddy do something.

With pleasure.

It don't hit. It's...
I'd fight if I could hit.

- Conrad, now please.
- Well he started it.

What's going on?
What's happening in here?

What are you all standing around for?

What are you so
excited about? Whats???

What's he doing down there?

I'm hanging up the phone.

I hit him.

You... you hit him and
you aren't disintegrated?

I can't understand it.
The boy's lost his power.

Lost his power?

Then I'm safe. I can do
my duty. Oh this is a day.

Haven't you time for
a cup of coffee, Bob?

No, no, not now.
Keep him cornered Conrad.

I'll get the state police right away.

The national guard.

The commander general of the area.

Excuse me.

Take it easy, boy, take
it easy. We'll get you up.

We'll get you up out of
there, come on, up we go.

There... there there there.

- I said if you got up I'd hit him again.
- Oh now look...

Let me at him. They don't call
me the manassas mauler for nothing.

- Shut up.
- Well, I didn't mean anything...

- Are you alright?
- Oh yes, I'm fine. Thank you.

Just wet. You see, where I
come from we don't feel pain.

Oh, we feel wet.
You'll feel wet water...

But you don't feel
pain. Like for instance...

That's what he thinks.

I didn't even feel the
slightest twinge of...

Pain!

- What is it?
- Oh my arms. Mr. delton.

You wanted to be an earthling, my
boy, so take everything that goes with it.

Oh, the leg. Just kick
the leg, there's a pain.

Oh, the back is a pain.

There's a head... there's a
stomach. Oh, the foot is a pain...

Oh! No more pain!

Mabel is using the
phone gotta use your...

What you...? After
him. Don't let him get away.

- He's gonna kill me.
- Well... ah!

Come back and fight like a man.

You fight your way, I'll fight mine.

Come on, open up.

Come out and fight.

I won't come out and I won't fight.

Come on open up, you coward.

That's why I won't come
out, I'm a coward. That's it.

A spaceman, general.

S- p-a-s-e.
I mean: C.

Yes, the state police
are on their way now, sir.

Oh, good, good. I
hope you can make it, sir.

Where's a gun?

- Oh Conrad.
- There's a gun.

Conrad, deserting your post of duty?

I need this in case
he tries to break out.

Give me that, it's just
a conversation piece any...

Sure talks loud, don't it?

Oh, the police.

Excuse me, I better go
make sandwiches and coffee.

Come on, there's
nothing to be afraid of.

Let's get out there. Come on.

Well, after you folks. After you.

I'll stay in back so I
can plan our strategy.

Watch it. Watch it, he's in there.

He's in there men. He's in there.

He's in there.

Careful now. He may be dangerous.

He's jet propelled.

No he ain't, it's myrtle. Myrtle
did it. Myrtle you come back here.

Whoa!

Alright, out of here.

Out of here. You might get hurt.

I am hurt.

All right men, grab a
line get moving. Let's go.

Loudspeaker.

Alright mister,
we've got you covered.

I said, we've got you covered.

- Pardon me.
- Certainly.

Myrtle, here myrtle. Where did
you go to? Come to papa, you hear?

Give me that!

You haven't got a chance.

Come out with your
hands over your head..

I said, come out with
your hands over your head.

- Sorry I took so long, dear.
- Rheba.

- Ellen?
- No thank you.

Come out with your
hands over your head.

Officer, egg salad or
tuna fish sandwiches?

Please, ma'am, not now.

Conrad?

We mean business, if you don't
come out we'll have to use the tear gas.

Tear gas. That's a good idea.

Pardon me.

There he is men. Watch
him. Keep your eyes on him.

The wind must have
changed. It's backfiring.

Watch yourself.

Put the women in the cars!

Roll up the windows!

Roll them up fast!

Myrtle.

Myrtle.

Myrtle.

Myrtle.

I can still fly. I
can still fl... yow.

Come down out of that barn, mister.

I am out.

I'm going in.

The general doesn't want us to
rush the place until he gets here.

He's on the way with
a life photographer.

You naughty spaceship, you shouldn't
go away without me.

Wait, wait, slow down. Slow down,
your gonna get me s... ohh.

Ohl

oh, I'm sorry. Hello, Mr.
delton. It's your ship.

Had enough, young man?

Oh, yes indeed. Yes sir. I've had it.

Well, you always wanted to be an
earthling and now you know what it's like.

You felt the pain of
love, the pain of jealousy...

And the pain of pain.
And that is the worst pain.

This is a crazy mixed up planet, Mr.
delton. I'd like to get out of here.

And you'll never come back again?

Never. I promise. The
furthest I'll never go is the moon.

You've learnt a good lesson, my boy.

Remember, the grass is always
greener on the other side of the universe.

So keep your nose out
of other people's planets.

And from now on, I will.

Sorry, Mr. delton, I hit my...

- Mr. mayberry?
- Sir.

Wheres that spaceman?

Spaceman, general?
There ain't no such animal.

So long, earth. It's been lots of...

Mr. delton.

Oh, Mr. delton!

Mr. delton help.

Help! Mr. delton!

Help Mel!