Original subtitles

Fairy tales always skip on the practicalities of happily ever after.

For example, do they ever include a forensic look through one's finances?

No. Why?

Because it's pluck.

That's why.

You guys got married fast.

Yeah, what can I say? True love. Now, I have a job, he has a job, and we have

$40,000 in cash. We can't take cash.

It's 20-25.

I'm sorry.

We have a literal government document saying that we're committed to each

other. He owns his own business. We have a deposit. We have ticked all the boxes.

Show me a fancy spreadsheet, honey.

Well, based on current mortgage rates and our deposit, could we afford this

house in Sandringham? The auction's tomorrow.

Yeah, we still can't deposit it.

It's over $10,000. The tax department's going to flag it. Well, that's fine.

We'll just do it in small amounts with different accounts. We'll spread it

around so they can't track it.

So that's money laundering.

Where did the cash come from?

It was a gift from my parents, so it's legit.

Warren looks like he's working, but he's actually emailing the tax department.

For a place in that area, we are looking at a 20% deposit on $2 million.

We could stretch the deposit for 10%. Hank's not going to go for that, sorry.

What the actual fuck, Warren?

It's Darren. What do you want from us? Like blood samples, a kidney?

Calm down.

Take a breath.

Let's all just reset.

Last month... I came here and you said I needed a partner. Now I'm back, married,

with two incomes, and you're saying I still can't get on the ladder?

She's not wrong, Warren. Stella, if you hadn't forfeited your stake in the house

that you were co-owned with your ex-wife, we could have used that as

leverage. So maybe we could do a business loan. Would your business

partner be open to that?

Fussy? No, Rushdie will kill him. Wait, you gave Renee the house? That's why

you're renting?

Yeah, it was the right thing to do for Sheena.

You can't even be mad. That's such a nice thing to do.

Okay, so maybe we get to know each other a little better.

Go away, take some time, come back. We start a term deposit with some of that.

You know what? You can term deposit this, Wes.

She doesn't mean that. I do mean that. I do mean that. And thanks for nothing,

Beelzebub. We will be back, yeah? We're going to be back. I'm going to buy a

house whether you like it or not.

Cool? See ya. She knows you literally can't buy a house without me liking it.

Yeah, no, yeah.

Play the reporters to the IID.

I want to settle down.

Won't you settle down with me?

Settle down. I can't believe you gave Renee the house.

She left you for a guy that lost to Liberty Treasure Island. Honestly.

Matt is fine.

Matt is the worst. He's the kind of generically handsome white guy that acts

nice but is actually shady as fuck. He's sure cheating on you. Okay, not

everybody cheats on other people. You know that, right? Your worldview is

actually depressing sometimes.

You're a nice person.

You don't cheat. You're a gentleman.

You don't have one-night stands. You probably call women the next day. Jesus.

I actually don't understand what's happening right now. The world is built

for Dannys and Matt.

Handsome white men that fuck around and still get promoted.

I'd rather be a nice guy and rent my whole life.

What?

You're just so respectful.

I don't understand why that's a bad thing.

I'm just saying, I think you put other people's feelings first. I think you put

Renee's feelings first.

That's untrue. Okay, since Renee, how many women have you slept with?

Like three or four.

Three or four human women?

Sal, you've been divorced for five years.

Okay, let's stop talking about this, okay? And you need to stop taking your

bank rage out on me. That's why we're here throwing a ball around.

Okay.

We need to talk about this. I'm serious.

As your wife, I feel like you need to get laid. We need to get you laid by a

stranger pronto.

I don't need to get laid. I have heaps of sex.

I just need you to have a bit more game. No, because the thing is, I don't need

validation from strangers.

All validation is great validation, trust me. I'm going to help you, okay?

I'm a great wingman. I'm going to get you out there. Let me help you. Can you

get the ball, please? You need to let it go. It's gone.

I just feel like we need to jazz up this Luke. What's wrong with my Luke?

It's just a little bit, like, basic.

Like, did Renee buy the shirt? Because it's giving Nick Lachey circa 2005.

I don't know who that is.

I'm going to go get the ball, and we're not going to talk about this anymore.

Okay, he's married to Jessica Simpson.

98 degrees.

Loves a pinstripe shirt.

Are you guys done yet? Oh, no, we're still playing. But you suck shit.

Your mum sucks shit.

Harry is now focused on getting her new husband in bed with another woman.

And just don't tell them I said ethnic, because then we'll get sued, OK? Thank

you.

Because making decisions for someone else means you don't have to think about

your own terrible life choices.

There you go, but I love watching you leave. I'm going to HR.

I am HR.

I am HR.

And now, Sal can't seem to stop seeing pictures of strange women's cleavage.

Don't make me ask.

Harry wants me to have a one-night stand, so she's sending me a bunch of

Tinder profiles.

Huh?

What do you mean, huh?

I mean, you can't do that.

I can do it.

You're a sensitive guy. You're going to catch feelings. Catch feelings?

You've been married since you were 21 to your first kid.

All right, that's my queen. Don't talk shit about my queen and your cousin.

I'm not talking shit. I'm just saying you didn't have a bunch of random sex

with a bunch of random strangers, okay? And you're fine.

Yeah, and also I didn't fake a second marriage because I couldn't get over my

ex. You're lost, brother.

Yo, how would you describe my style?

2005 Nick Lachey.

God damn it.

Okay, where are the rest of your clothes?

I feel like all I can see is a rainbow of chinos.

Look, I found what I like. I wear it. Okay?

It's simple.

Okay, Steve Jobs.

But what do you wear to, like, go out?

Don't say that.

What is that?

Did Rene buy this? Yeah, why? It's fine.

I feel like I could beat Israel Adesanya if he was coming off like a really,

really extended injury break.

Okay, this isn't going to work.

Like, you're a cat. You're super fun. I feel like your clothes do not reflect

that, and they should.

Yeah, but shouldn't someone like me for what's on the inside?

Who cares what's on the inside? We wanted to fuck your outsides, girl.

That's so gross.

Yeah, I know it's not gross when I said it. Sorry.

Okay, we need to just get rid of all of these.

What are you doing?

I'm farting.

I'm being considerate.

I'm taking you shopping.

There's something beautifully hopeful about a makeover. The idea that the

right shirt can turn you into a completely different person.

You ready?

I don't want to come out.

Oh, come on.

No. I want to see. Please.

I think. I think it's a vibe. I think you look good. I think I look like a

hairy lady.

Yeah, lace really isn't for that test, huh?

Can we go? I hate this. I actually hate it. No, no, no. It's just one look,

please. There's heaps, there's heaps more we can try.

Please? Just these ones.

And then we're out. Okay, fine. But only if you do it too. Deal.

Like a thousand percent deal. Oh, damn it. I thought you'd say no.

No.

It's like an old lady cushion.

Hey, yo, what up? It's me and my pale swordy. Yeah, I just want to get nasty.

I think it's good.

You like it? Yeah.

It's kind of cultural appropriation.

Or

maybe

you learn that just hanging out with your new husband can be the most fun

part of your day.

I actually kind of like this.

Close.

This is good. This I like. I like it. It's a vibe.

Huh. You're good at this. Yeah. One of my many completely youthful talents.

Megan's gonna jizz.

Who's Megan?

Megan is your date.

Come on. Check her out.

Why do you have access to my dating profile?

I have access to all of your passwords now, husband.

She's V.E. Kane.

I said you were DTF, which means down to fuck.

I know what DTF stands for.

Really? Mm-hmm. Huh.

Had to look it up.

Okay. Have a look at that.

I'm just going to put this all on Mum's credit card.

Mum!

What are you doing?

Jesus Christ, what are you doing here?

Ruby's sex when working from Mum's.

God, Cam couldn't take the day off, could he? He can't just wag work.

He manages a building site. His job is actually important.

Oh, okay. Well, if COVID taught us anything, it's that the most important

jobs are supermarket workers and hotel security guards. So... Right. Why are

you raiding Mum's fridge?

Um, because Sal is going on a date tonight and we are saving for a house

and I need dinner.

You want me to make you a sandwich?

Yes, please.

Yeah, come on.

Can you get me a knife, please?

Uh-huh.

Why is Sal going on a date?

Uh, to broaden his sexual horizons.

Yeah, I set him up with a very hot young lady called Megan.

Why would you do that?

Well, because as a wife, I want to make sure that my husband is getting laid by

someone else. Carrie, be serious.

I am, okay? I'm helping him get over Renee.

It's actually a very nice thing to do. I'm like his fairy godwife.

Marriage is really fucked up.

Oh, okay.

Pot calling the kettle. No, no, don't say black.

I can say black. I'm standing by. No, just because you married a man of color

doesn't mean you have a free pass to say it whenever you like. You can't censor

me.

Listen, it's not a big deal.

I took him shopping, gave him a little makeover, and honestly, Vanessa, he

looks really good.

Okay. Harriet Jane Brewer.

Don't do that. We're friends. Yeah? Yeah. We've always been friends, just...

You haven't always been friends. You really liked each other, but you're too

scared to do anything about it. Not true. We have proof that you can marry

your friend and then get him to sleep with other people in a totally healthy,

slightly polyamorous situation.

Oh, right.

The idea of an open marriage is very hot right now, but honestly, the admin

sounds exhausting.

Okay, I'm just gonna wait till she arrives and then I'll leave.

Cool. What are you going to do tonight? I just realized I'm leaving you by

yourself. You are not great on your own. No, I have a plan, okay? I'm going to

watch Love Island until I feel uncomfortable, drink a bottle of wine,

and then take melatonin until I'm drowsy. Are you sure you're going to be

okay? Val, I'll be fine.

Did you not hear my foolproof plan?

I know it sounds bad, but I'm actually really excited about it. Let's just go

home and watch the chase.

No, you cannot stand this poor woman up. She'll be minutes away.

Listen, you look great.

Don't overthink it.

You're going to have a fun time. Trust me. Come on.

I genuinely don't think she's coming. No, honestly, she's only 36 minutes

late. Maybe she's been in a terrible accident.

Maybe she's dragging her bleeding stumps to the bar. We should go home. Let's go

home. No, no, no, no. Please, please stay five more minutes. Just five more

minutes for me.

Please? For your wife?

Fine, but I am hitting a timer.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, how about we do something fun so that you're, like, primed and ready for

when she walks in? What kind of fun?

I have backgammon on my phone.

No, not backgammon. What's wrong with backgammon? You 80-year-old Egyptian

man. I meant like a role play.

Like, show me your moves.

My moves?

Yeah, like, how would you pick me up if I was a stranger and we were in this

bar?

This is dumb.

It's not dumb. It's a warm-up, okay?

Oh, no.

Do you have no moves? I have moves.

I have moves. I have heaps of moves. I have so many moves.

You do your moves first, and then I'll do my moves.

I mean...

Stop.

Want to fight?

That's really good. Right? That's really good. Yeah, right?

It's really easy for girls. We just basically have to do that and then it's

like, boom, guys are up for it.

Okay, your turn. Show me your moves.

Oh, I know. How about this?

I will be over here reading this.

Hi. Can I buy you a drink?

Well, I suppose the seat is free. You may sit.

Menus, huh?

I love menus.

It's so informative.

Yes, well, it's the only way I can wind down after my job as a neuroscientist.

Oh, wow, a neuroscientist.

That's cool, that's cool.

That explains why you're here by yourself.

Excuse me?

Well, I mean, to be this beautiful and that smart.

I mean, come on, it must be hard to make friends.

Oh, my God, that's such a line.

It's not a line. It's a good line. It's not a line because the truth. It's

honesty. It's truth. I can only speak truth.

I'm like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. Oh, I can completely relate.

Which makes being a doctor really hard because my patients know way too much

about what's wrong with them. Oh, so you're a doctor too. How impressive.

Yeah, thank you. I also can't hide how much I love my daughter, who's a

teenager. Which makes me incredibly uncool.

I'm sure you know a lot about that.

I guess we're just a couple of nerds.

Cursed with incredibly good looks.

Sounds like we're perfect for each other.

Hey, I'd give you the burnt bit of my brownie any day of the week.

Wait.

You remember that from Home Economics?

Yeah, I remember that.

You like the corner bit and I like the middle bit.

The middle bit, yeah.

Sometimes you just need a break from real life in order to see someone in a

completely new life.

You can say this isn't a love story, but Harry being jealous of her husband's

date is a pretty clear sign that maybe it could be

Correct. Which singer starred in the film Lady Things of the Moon? Lady Gaga.

Correct.

Oh,

God.

I'm going to break my back.

I made it work.

Okay, so you're going up the mountain, and then you keep climbing.

Yeah, just keep going all the way to the top, baby.

That was weird. I didn't say baby. I don't know why I said that. You're very

funny. I like that.

Being alone with your thoughts is hard.

Being alone with your feelings is harder, especially for Harry.

Sorry, it's Harry checking in.

Do you want to get out of here?

Sorry, I find it really hot that you guys have this open relationship

situation. Totally.

We're like super modern and stuff. Oh my God, so modern.

What did you say before?

Do you want to get out of here?

Feelings and phones don't mix.

When it comes to love, technology has mostly made everything worse.

And Sal is about to learn why.

Oh my god.

This is a real fantasy of mine. Oh okay, do you think there's some clams in here?

Shut up, shut up, I need you to shut up right now.

Oh shit.

Okay, don't move in this and do it carefully.

Try to smuggle all this good stuff out of it. What?

Don't move I said.

I wouldn't lie to Custin's when I'm stuck around at this airport.

Custin, what the fuck is going on? I'm going to ask you one more time.

Are you trying to bring a piece of fruit into my country?

No. Are you trying to make a fool out of me with a banana? I don't have fruit. I

don't have fruit. Because that would be very silly. I don't have a banana.

Very big, big, naughty bitch. No, no, no. I don't have any. I'm trying to

smuggle into Aotearoa. Okay, then. You're forgiven. Thank you, National

Anthem. The internet has definitely created intense division.

But on the flip side, it's also made some pretty specific...

Absence makes the heart

grow fonder.

In this case, Sal's absence makes Harry's heart quite anxious.

So now her heart is going to make a pretty bad decision.

I can't, metal detector.

Okay, can we stop?

No, no, no.

You are not getting on that airplane.

I'm in the role play. Can we stop the role play? Oh.

Oh, my God, yeah, of course we can. Sorry, yeah.

Um, was I getting a bit too... It's just a little too 9-11 for me, and airports

are triggering. Oh, yeah, because of the whole... Yeah, because of... Yeah, no, I

was totally sorry about that.

It's all good.

Do you want me to go down on you?

Nah, it's all good.

Yeah, thank you, though.

I knew you'd call.

Shut up.

What? I knew you'd miss me.

We can't be apart. We're like Han and Chewbacca.

Okay, shut up, Danny. I know you're not going to leave your wife, okay? So don't

do that. I would. You know, I will if I... Okay, stop.

Go.

Oh, honey, I forgot to say earlier.

I told Sarah that I was going to the dairy, so I've probably got about 30-ish

minutes or so. OK. OK.

All

ready?

No, stop.

Danny, don't. Let's go.

No, Danny, I don't think this is a good idea, OK? I think you should go home,

OK? What? What the fuck?

I just... I'm so sorry. I just... I want to be alone, okay? I should have called.

No, you don't, Harry. You're the worst at being alone. I don't want you here

anymore, okay? You should go.

Home. Now.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Don't say that.

Listen.

We were made for each other, Harry.

You know it's true.

We have what other people want.

No, Danny.

You have what other people want, okay?

Yeah. I don't want to be the thing that you fuck before you go home and spoon

your beautiful wife, okay? I don't want to be that person anymore.

Newsflash, you are that person, Harry.

Getting married doesn't make you a better person than me, okay?

At least my marriage is real.

Yeah, I figured it out, all right, okay?

I get it.

You were trying to make a point. Okay, point made. But let's face it, Harry.

You were never marriage material.

You're... fun.

Get out, Danny. What? I'm being nice. Get the fuck out! Get out! Okay, okay.

Nice thing to say.

Can't even be nice anymore these days.

You can choose to do

marriage any way you want.

But communication... is key if you can be honest with each other

your union can pass any test

Oh, hey.

How was your night?

Yeah, it was, um, it was a handful.

Yeah, looks it.

It was good. It was good. And did you... Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Did some good old-fashioned intercourse.

That's, that's great.

That now makes five human women.

Mm-hmm.

How was your night? Anything, um, interesting happen?

No, it was pretty quiet.

Um, I still can't get any answers right on the chase.

You and me both, girl? Yeah.

You all good?

Me? Yeah.

Are you all good?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Totally.

Great.

I'm gonna get some sleep.

Yeah. That's great.

Night. Goodnight.

Night.

Secrets can destroy a marriage much like feelings can destroy a friendship.

Either way, once they're out there, there's no going back.