All language subtitles for Veep-105

You know, democracy is fantastic,
but it is also fucking dull.

It doesn't even look like
they're gonna break a tie.

Selina does not even have to be here.

Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep?

No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV.

Not on C-SPAN.
The irony would be too huge.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on.
- Are you really waving?

She cannot see you through the TV.
Most of us learn that when we're four.

We can call her.
The vibrations will wake her up.

- ( phone ringing )
- No, she's not gonna fall asleep.

It's probably just us who have noticed.

No, Clive, no.
She is not falling asleep.

No, it is just very warm down there.

- Whoa, head jerk. Just head jerked.
- Okay.

( theme music playing )

Mike: You sure you set this
meeting for 8:00 a.m. Today?

Am I sure?

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, of course you did.

Of course. Please, stop
staring at me like that.

- Undressing me with your eyes.
- I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Clean jobs almost ready for liftoff,
right?

A little more detail work, but yes.

I do think that we can start the
countdown.

- Okay, well, get your spacesuits on.
- ( laughing )

You know, speaking of spacesuits,

I met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing. You
know what really freaks those guys out?

Seeing 17 dawns in a
matter of 24 hours. Okay.

- Good morning.
- Morning, ma'am.

How is my day looking, Sue?

You have one community college
meeting this afternoon.

- Is that it?
- Yes.

No, no, no, no. That's not right.
( clicking )

Uh, okay, wait a minute.
What happens if you scroll down?

- How about if you scroll up?
- That's the past, ma'am.

- What's he for?
- Mike's your 8:00.

We're talking about your speech for
the firefighter's association tonight.

- Hey, where is Dan?
- I have been trying him all morning.

- He's not been picking up.
- I don't like that.

Probably sending photos
of his dick to himself.

Left him a voicemail.
Called him a name.

- Just a little thing we do.
- Mike!

So here's what I'm thinking.
We need to open with a funny joke.

Solid narrative throughout it,

into which I would like to
pepper, like, five zingers.

- No problemo. McClintock gold.
- Okay. Good.

I thought for the opener we'd do
a little self-deprecating joke

- about your snooze in the Senate.
- No.

- Want to hear it?
- No.

Okay. Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Okay, here you go, first home run.

Firefighters have a passion
for their work.

Arsonists just have a burning desire.
( laughs )

- Is that even a joke?
- Yeah, it's a word play or a parody.

- Mmm.
- Okay, doesn't matter.

- Got another one.
- All right.

Ladders, obviously germane
to the firefighting business.

You go, "firefighters are
always climbing ladders

and in politics you're always..."

and this, I don't even know what
I wrote, but it's basically

you're taking steps to

get somewhere but without a ladder...

Yeah, this is not making me
laugh at all.

We'll bring that one
back when it's ready.

Okay, "fire safety guy
asked me the other day,"

and this is your voice...
"do I smoke in bed?

And I said,
'I've never had any complaints.'"

( laughs )

Too shock? Too shock?

Okay, this is kind of a half an idea.

All right, so the idea
is if you're a fireman

putting a wet blanket
on something...

- You are late.
- Yes, and I am incredibly sorry.

I was not in my own apartment last
night. I just... I overslept.

Having a massive stroke is an excuse
for coming in late to this office.

Having sex is absolutely not, Dan.

Quite right, ma'am.
Although, in my defense,

- I didn't even think you'd be here.
- Why?

Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal
responsibility bill at the White House.

I just assumed you'd be there.

I wasn't invited. What?

- This is happening...
- Right now.

Fuck that potus. He did this with the
defense budget briefing two weeks ago.

God. Where is Amy?

- You get a gag on top of...
- Mike!

Why didn't I know about this?!

I'm going.
They can't keep me out of there.

Hey, ma'am, I'm right here.
Can I get you something?

You got rollerblades?

I'm coming in.

Okay. Good.

Hi, guys.

- Fiscal responsibility.
- It's ridiculous.

Are you kidding me?
Not one of those guys

has paid for their own
lunch in like a decade.

I think I made a big point
by being there.

- Big point.
- I was breathing heavily, though.

You don't think anyone noticed that,
do you?

Bob Lewis has got emphysema.

Sounds like a broken-down
leaf blower.

- He does.
- ( low growling )

That is an actually uncanny
impression of him.

- Madam Vice President.
- Yeah?

- Oh, hi, Jonah.
- Hey, Jonah.

- You coming to see us?
- Oh, no.

I had to take a personal hour.
I have a nutritionist appointment.

- Oh, hope you're okay.
- It'll be fine.

I'm fructose intolerant.

- Fructose?
- Fruit sugars.

- It's very rare.
- Oh.

- Well, good luck with all that.
- Thank you.

Just when you thought
he couldn't get any weirder, he did.

My God.

Oh, uh, sorry about earlier.

I thought you were in the chair.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna need
a meeting with everybody.

I need a coffee.

Here's the deal.

The President is avoiding me.

Maybe he's just flakey
like Gary's feet.

No, I know him.
He hates confrontation,

and obviously there is something
that he needs to confront me about.

I mean, am I still getting
unequivocal support on clean jobs?

I need some good, solid
White House intel on this.

- Yup, the whitegeist.
- Right.

- I'm on it.
- Good. Okay.

- Please, please.
- Okay. Okay.

I'm gonna check and see
if this fireman thing tonight

is getting mentioned anywhere.

- Whoa, are you self-googling?
- Yeah.

We have guys in the office
to do that, ma'am.

I wouldn't search on your name
or your nicknames, really.

My nicknames?
Gary, what are my nicknames?

There's just some nicknames
that it's necessary

for us to search on to kind
of pick up on blog coverage.

- But, I mean, like what?
- Uh, okay.

There's one that has to do
with the legislation you did

to support women
breast feeding in public.

- That was good legislation.
- It was good legislation.

- Mammary Meyer.
- Oh, please.

- Like that.
- Are there others?

Oh, really? Okay.

Grisly Madam, She-ra,
Meyer the Liar,

the Batcave, Pissface.

Wicked Witch of the West Wing,
Veep Throat,

VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke,

Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder
Woman, Selina Meh.

Pissface? Huh?

- No, not that one.
- ( laughs )

Mike: Vaselina, Betty Poop.

People attack you because they think
you're beautiful and you're smart.

You got the most nicknames when
you were on the cover of "Vogue."

I remember that. They were just jealous.
Remember that?

- Mike: They called you Goofy Smile.
- Gary Let's not get into it.

Hmm, bummer.
Looks like your girlfriend

didn't get the chief of staff
job with the speaker.

Guess I don't have to buy a hat now.

Hat? Oh, wedding?

( scoffs )
No.

Put a lot of time in on Alice.

I was deliberately late
for work because I wanted her

to believe that she was more
important to me than my job.

- She fall for that?
- I doubt it.

But it's the thought that counts.
She appreciates the gesture

of me trying to trick her
into believing that.

That is so romantic.

Sadly, the beautiful thing
we had faded very suddenly

- eight minutes ago.
- So who's next?

Which strategically useful
young woman will get to witness

your two-hour morning
skin care regime?

You like this place? I love this place.

Yeah. No frills.
Not a single frill.

When they bring out the bread,
you check it out.

It is a fuckload of bread.
Believe me, you could feed a family,

like a fat family off
the fuckload of bread alone.

Think I'm gonna get an orange juice.
You want one?

Oh, no. No way, dude.
Fructose.

So clean jobs is looking
pretty exciting.

What about the White House?
They as stoked as we are?

Hey, man, yeah. I'm out of the office.
I don't want to talk shop.

Oh, right, right, yeah. Just punched
out. Just two guys hanging.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. I like hanging with you.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

- It's too bad Amy doesn't.
- Please, she's just fucking jealous.

I mean, come on, since you guys went
out you've been getting action, right?

Oh, mad action.
I got a cock like a cappuccino frother.

One of the big ones. The industrial
ones, not the little ones.

Thanks, Joe.

( softly )
Fuck, yeah.

What did I tell you? That's like two
grain silos fucked right there.

Yup, that's a regular 8granary gangbang.

Oh, dude, did you hear
that fucking bullshit

that Max Geldray is saying
that potus is avoiding Selina?

Max Geldray knows shit about shit.

The only intel he has is
on his fucking PC.

Intel, that's a brand
of microprocessor.

- Strong joke.
- Potus.

he knows clean jobs has traction.

- ( phone ringing )
- Senator Macauley,

he'd sponsor that bill in a heartbeat.
He's got a big veiny boner for it.

Oh, shit. They need me back
at the West Wing like now.

- What, did we declare war?
- No, it's worse.

Interactive tourist section
of the website is down.

Hey, there's this extreme metal band
playing over at Labyrinth's tonight.

Just real fucked up noise.
They don't even have a name.

- You want to check it out?
- Yeah, man.

Let's go catch some decibels.
You cut me, I bleed metal.

- Great.
- And what would you like?

To eat at a different
fucking restaurant.

( sirens blaring )

Amy: So Mike's jokes didn't work?

Selina: Yeah. I mean, firefighters
are used to seeing people die, Amy,

but not like that.

Selina: Listen, we have got
to congratulate Martin on this.

I mean, this is such a great
draft of the clean jobs bill.

Yeah, it's pretty much all here.
We just need to...

Up the stakes substantially?
Noncompliance penalties,

don't you think those should be greater?
I think we should just go for it.

I think we should just fine the fuckers

- till the fuckers aren't fine.
- ( chuckles )

That was totally inappropriate.

- Inappropriate.
- Inappropriate.

That's not the first time that
that's happened, by the way.

He's not supposed to register emotion.
He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

s- I'll see to it.
- Yeah.

So we still don't know if this bill
has unequivocal support from potus.

Well, Dan is working intel on that.

( loud music playing )

- Hey.
- Selina: Hey, Gary.

I'm gonna head home.

- If it's okay. If I'm not needed.
- Yeah, sure.

- What's in the bag?
- I got my first zumba class tonight.

- Oh. Neat.
- I'm excited.

Amy and I are gonna be
working pretty late, I think.

Would you do me a favor?
Could you go and pick up

some of those takeout
crab cakes from Levin's?

- I love those.
- Yeah.

That wouldn't spoil your plans,
would it?

No, ma'am.

Hey, Gary, what are some
of the other nicknames?

Oh, come on. This is masochism.

No, it's not.
I have very thick skin.

I'm just interested,
that's all.

It's just various V.P. things.

You know, like using
the initials V.P. jokingly.

- Like what?
- Vaguely Personable.

Viagra Prohibitor. Visible Panties.

Viagra Prohibitor?
( laughs )

Why, because when a guy's
with me he doesn't need Viagra?

No.

It means that even if a guy uses it...

It doesn't work?

They are saying that
a prescription medication

that is supposed to guarantee
a strong and sustained erection

in all men despite their age
or their health

is rendered ineffective by me?

You know what?
You no longer search on the nicknames.

- You said you had thick skin.
- God, no.

- Wait, what about V-Pilf?
- No, Gary.

That's flattering.
You know what that means?

Vice President I Would Like to,
you know, fool around with.

- Fuck.
- Okay.

( loud music playing )

Ah! This is fucking primordial.

You know what? You can't find
these guys on fucking iTunes.

- You know why?
- 'Cause they don't have a name?

'Cause they're not for fucking sale.

Fucking listen to this.

This is fucking like being
operated on by a chimp

with a hard-on and a hacksaw.
Radical stuff.

Yeah. That's exactly how I feel
about the clean jobs legislation.

Has potus said anything about
how high the agenda's gonna go?

All noises are good.
I'm in a meeting tomorrow

and it's definitely gonna get discussed.
I'll call you.

That would be awesome, man.
Thank you. That's great.

Pick up this round, I'll get the next
one. And grab some nuts.

I'm sweating all my minerals
into my shorts here.

Get some fucking nuts!

You know, I've asked Dan
and Mike to play devil's advocate

against this bill,
assemble some arguments.

You know, what people might
say against it and stuff.

Dan is a great choice.

He is already a huge
advocate of the devil's.

Potus needs some
successes right now.

He doesn't fix the economy soon,

NASA's gonna have to
build him an escape pod.

I mean, how has he let this happen?

- God, if I were...
- Mm-mmm.

Don't say, "if I were President."
It's the V.P. bear trap.

Okay. I won't say it.
I'll just think it.

Thanks for working late tonight, Amy.

Don't feel like you have
to come in early tomorrow.

- Okay, thanks.
- But you will come in early, right?

- Of course.
- Yeah.

Shit, Sidney Purcell.
Should we go another way?

No, I'm not scared
of oil lobbyists.

- I'm only scared of two things.
- Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's.

Yeah, well remembered.
Sidney Purcell.

Madam Vice President.
So good to see you.

Guess what we were just doing? Polishing
up the latest draft of clean jobs.

You know, I am from oil, but that
doesn't mean that I don't care deeply

about my children's future and,
of course, their children's future.

Speaking of children,
I've got to go.

Catherine is waiting to Skype with me.

Great seeing you, as always,
madam Vice President.

- Okay, take care.
- Bye-bye.

I don't have any children.
I have a niece but I fucking hate her.

How charming.
I need to be getting home.

I wanted to tell you if you think
that this bill of yours

is gonna go the distance, than you must
be even stupider than I think you are.

And I should tell you, I think you're
borderline developmentally disabled.

This bill is a fucking disgrace
and I'm gonna see to it personally

that it gets chewed up like a dead
prostitute in a wood chipper.

Just wanted to let you know.

You sure you're ready,
Mr. Thrash Metal?

Heard you only got two
hours of sleep last night.

Yeah, well, with how many times
you've got to get up and pee, Mike,

I think we're about even.

Hey, have you boys read
the latest draft of clean jobs?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Okay.

So you've got your critiques
all prepared?

- Mm-hmm.
- Who's gonna go first?

Ladies first.

So you can be harsh.
You don't need to hold back or anything.

Sure.

This is class genocide.

This is... this... um, huh?

This is rich white people
and their rich white champion

Selina Meyer demanding
an unproven solution

to an unproven problem so they
can sleep better at night.

Who works for large
polluting companies?

Ordinary blue collar Americans.

Who will get fired or have their
wages cut to pay for these taxes?

Ordinary moms and dads.
Who will suffer

when these companies
are no longer competitive

because of your high taxes
and noncompliance penalties.

This is cold, calculated,
class genocide

perpetrated by someone
who is either evil

or eligible to be held on a 5150
at a mental health facility.

Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Remember that name. No one will
want to call their child by that name.

There are no more Adolfs.
Soon there will be no more Selinas.

You are looking at the last Selina.

The Selina who killed America.

- Wow.
- Oh, my God, Dan.

- No more Selinas?
- Okay.

Quiet, okay?
I don't need to hear you.

Mike? Oh.

My chief criticism is that
I don't fully understand it.

- If I don't understand it...
- All right, good job, dummy.

Sit down.

- Where's Selina?
- She's on her way back from lunch.

Selina: You know that trip to Paris?
- Gary: Uh-huh.

- It's on.
- No!

Oh, Amy, I have a quick
q for you to a.

- Quickly, then.
- In diary hierarchy,

does the national resource committee
meeting

trump the care
for children's association?

- Yes.
- Okay, I will kill the children.

You know what would be perfect
in Paris is that pink jacket you have.

Ma'am! Ma'am!
It's a fucking disaster.

What is?
It could be a lot of things.

The President is very eager to get
the fiscal responsibility bill through.

- So eager that...
- Oh, shit, no.

He wants all focus
to be on that bill.

He's dropped five
other pieces of legislation.

Clean jobs is one of them.

Oh, God.

( Gary groans )

- My clean jobs?
- Yeah.

Oh, son of a bitch.

That president, he is a
suffocating son of a bitch.

It's okay.

Had we not heard
anything about this?

Apparently there were
rumblings in the blogs.

Why weren't we on it?

They used a nickname, ma'am,
and we were not searching on it.

- Which one?
- Mrs. DoubtMeyer.

Well, you never
mentioned that one.

Yeah, that means you're
kind of slightly confused.

You're oddly masculine.

It's a shitty nickname.

Well, I'm just not gonna accept this.

Oh, my God.
I'd have more power in my hands

if I joined one of those
moronic Segway tours of D.C.

I mean, do you have any idea
what I have lost here today?

Do you? Really?

Are you not gonna say anything?

Jesus!

Dan, did your boyfriend
know anything about this?

I was trying to use
Jonah for intelligence.

That's like trying to use a croissant

- as a fucking dildo.
- I thought...

No, no, no.
Let me be more clear.

It doesn't do the job
and it makes a fucking mess!

Get out of my office.

- Gary!
- Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am?

- I need something.
- Okay, is there anything specific?

I don't fucking know.
I just need something.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna call that
stupid potus myself.

Seriously, I'm gonna tell him
to shove it up his ass.

- I don't see any reason...
- Why don't we just wait this out, okay?

( mocking ) "Why don't we just wait this
out?" Is that what you're gonna suggest?

Remind me never to get trapped inside
a burning building with you, Mike.

- I'm very good in a fire.
- Ma'am, if I may.

I think I have an idea.
What if we went to a friendly senator

and suggested that he or she take
the best parts of clean jobs...

the sanctions on polluters,
tax breaks for the good guys...

then added that as an amendment
to the fiscal responsibility bill?

Well, that would get the meat
of clean jobs through, wouldn't it?

It would also mean we'd go
against the President's wishes.

- That's provocative, ma'am.
- Yeah.

Well, I feel like provoking someone.

I really do, Mike.

- I'm feeling very fucking provocative.
- I'm aware of that, ma'am.

The President won't like that.
I can tell you that right now.

- This is the bear trap.
- I know, you're right.

We can't do this.
Can we? We can't.

We can do anything we want
if we really want to.

What is this?
"Eat, Pray, fucking Love"?

- Give me a minute.
- I can't be seen

sneaking through legislation
behind the President's back.

I mean, that would be insane.
It would be disloyal.

Ma'am, Senator Macauley loves this bill
and he may decide to do it anyway.

Well, if Senator Macauley
wants to do it himself,

then that's great, you know?
It's just that I can't be seen doing it.

Okay? Okay?

I got you a bit of ice cream. I thought
that might be just what you wanted.

That is just exactly what I wanted.

- Would you get me some whipped cream?
- Yeah, give me a minute.

I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't

because I didn't know
if you already knew,

but my loyalty is with potus.

Bullshit. You didn't know he was
gonna roll over on clean jobs.

- You had no fucking idea.
- Dan, I had a fucking idea.

You know what, Jonah? I don't think
that we should see each other anymore.

- Come on.
- Sorry.

So you're saying that just
because I'm not as close

to potus as you thought I was,

that means that we
can't hang out anymore?

What I'm saying,
you fucking ape,

is that you are a useless
waste of fucking carbon.

I've been trying
to cynically use you,

but you're so fucking low-rent,
you can't even be exploited.

Not to mention the fact any restaurant
that serves anything in a fuckload

is not a nice restaurant.

Where is the bread
at this place, asshole?

And you, you upstate New York
dickshit...

- Watch it.
- I'll talk about upstate New York.

You guys think you're fucking
New York, but you're not.

And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow,
you're not that great to be around.

- ( scoffs )
- I don't like you, Dan.

Really? I think you do. I think
you're a little sweet on me, Jonah.

- That's why you're so upset.
- You know what, Dan?

You're a fucking dick.

Well, careful when you
go to sleep tonight, asshole.

Maybe I'll sneak into your
apartment with a bag of oranges

and fructose you to death.

( sirens blaring )

Selina: Hey, we should send potus
a postcard from Paris.

What's the French for
"shove it up your ass"?

God, Parisian women
really intimidate me.

Why?

I don't know. They're so Parisian.

You're as stylish as any Parisian woman.

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, so are you.
- Thank you.

That took too long, didn't it?

- We can't go to Paris.
- Shit.

No, whoa, whoa.
We got all those tours lined up.

- What are you talk...
- Be quiet. What?

They're anticipating another
tied vote in the Senate.

You need to head back to preside again.
It's gavel time.

- What bill is it?
- That was a play on "it's hammer time."

I know. What bill is it?

No. No.
It's the Macauley amendment?

Yeah. It's the meat of clean jobs.

- Oh.
- Which way are you gonna vote?

The way that my principles
and conscience tell me to go.

Okay.

Which way do you think that should be?

Look, you already know my feelings
on this.

The President does not want

the clean jobs amendment
passed in any form.

- ( sighs loudly )
- Dan, talk, please.

If it comes down to a tie, vote for.

- You back your own policy.
- Yeah? You think so?

- No.
- Yes.

So you are actually saying
that you want me to destroy the policy

that you and I have been
working on for months,

actually years if you think about it,
Amy?

- Yes.
- Wow.

All right, let me get this straight.

So you, Dan, who are absolutely
against this policy,

don't say otherwise,
you want me to vote for it.

And you, Amy, who love this policy,

you want me to vote against it.
Yeah?

This is some weird ass "through
the looking glass" shit right now.

- Vote against.
- Vote for.

Hey, ma'am.
They need you on the floor.

Oh, boy.
Ahem.

Okay, well...

See you later, folks.

Wish me luck.

You got Macauley to add
this amendment, didn't you?

- I know you did.
- Macauley is his own man.

If you did this, you went
against Selina's explicit orders

and you have put this entire office
into a salad spinner of fuck.

What, are you checking your
fantasy fucking football scores?

Get the fuck off it.

Hey. Oh, man.
What's she gonna do?

What I said.

On this vote, the yeas are 50 ,
the nays are 50.

The Senate being equally divided,

the Vice President votes in the negative

and the amendment is not agreed to.

( bangs gavel )

( sighs )

Is this what I came into politics to do,
Amy?

It's a rhetorical question. Obviously
I didn't come into politics to do this.

On a happy note, we reassigned

- the smiling secret service guy.
- Mmm.

It's one less grinning idiot with
a gun you have to worry about.

- ( knocks )
Oh, God, what?

- Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.
- And yet you are disturbing me.

Potus is anxious,
after recent events,

that you don't feel he's trying to nudge
you out of the process of government.

Oh, isn't that thoughtful, Amy?

So he would like you
to head up a program

that is very important
and very dear to his heart.

No, no, no, no, no.

You do not do this to me.

Do not say that it is obesity.
Do not say that to me.

- It's obesity.
- No, no.

I'm sorry, ma'am, but you
have drawn the fat straw.

I will have all the relevant documents
forwarded onto your team.

Okay, it's your bedtime.
Get out of my office.

Good night.

Oh, God. Amy.

I mean, seriously.
Are you believing this fucking day?

I had to pull the plug on clean jobs,

I'm about to go to France,
and now he gives me obesity.

My God. I'll tell you
something else, too.

This is deliberate, Amy.

The President knows
how uncomfortable I am made...

( whispers )
by fat people.

You want to know the secret
to keeping weight off?

Shut your fucking pie hole.

How about that?
It's not rocket science.

I'm not a nutritionist, am I?
No, I'm not.

But I do know one thing.
You've got to put the corndog down,

you've got to get up off your dead
one, you've got to get moving.

"Get moving" might actually be a
good slogan for this damn thing.

Oh, my God. It's weakness.
That's really all it is.

Pure and simple, it's weakness.

It's about self-control.

You don't masturbate
in the subway, do you, Amy?

No, you don't.
Do you shit in the street, Amy?

No, of course you don't. Because
you've gotten a hold of yourself.

And now I've got say what?
I've got to say,

"I'm the Vice President
of the United States.

Put the cupcake down."
That's now my job?

I... it's...

Oh, for fuck's sakes.

- Have you ever had a weight problem?
- Yeah, I have.