Original subtitles

[DOOR SLAMS]

[PEG EXHALES]

Hmm.

"Cher to wed 21-year-old alien."

Well, good for her!

Hey, Peg.

Oh, good.

I caught you on a break.

Listen.

Last night I saw a bright star shining in the East.

Peg...

Did you do our laundry?

I had to.

One of your shirts reached out of the hamper,

grabbed me around the windpipe,

and demanded to be taken to the airport.

Stupid shirt.

If it was that easy, I would've been gone years ago.

Now, look, Peg.

Two months ago, I bought 20 pair of socks.

Now I got 20 swinging singles

with only one complete pair.

Then wear them.

I can't.

They're the socks I got married in.

The evil socks.

What are you doing with my socks, Peg?

I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd get upset,

but I traded your socks and the family cow

for these magic beans.

Something's going on here, Peg.

Something dark, something deep, something sinister,

so I know a woman's behind it.

Now, I called all my friends,

and their socks are disappearing too,

and their wives claim they don't know either.

So level with me, Peg.

What is Oprah telling you to do with our socks?

Or was it Geraldo?

Sell a shoe, Al.

Fine, but I'll be watching you.

Mom, Dad, big news at school today.

All the guys are losing their socks

while the girls in Home Ec giggle fiendishly?

Mom, big news in school today.

The tap-dancing club was doing a recital in the ghetto.

Now, apparently, all the gangs banded together

and attacked their bus.

They couldn't figure out why, but it seems that someone

spray-painted a slogan on the side of the bus that said,

"We may be nerds, but at least we're not poor. Ha ha."

That's terrible.

Who would do a mean thing like that?

I'll give you a hint.

She lives here,

has white hair,

and misspelled "ha ha."

Oh, no. Not what's-her-name.

It's Kelly, Al.

Yeah, that's the one.

Our spelling bee winner should be here any second.

Dad, please, go easy on her.

I'll get your belt.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Kelly.

Anything interesting happen at school today?

Oh, not to me.

Well, good night.

Kelly!

Oh, yeah.

There was this one thing, though.

There's this girl who looks just like me

who got into a peck of trouble today,

so if the principal calls and--

Gee, Mom, you look fantastic,

and, Dad...

Doesn't Mom look fantastic?

Hey, what say we unplug the phones and play Yahtzee?

Dad, I couldn't find your belt,

but I figured we'd tie her down with this...

Hi, Kelly.

You told, didn't you?

Just about the spray painting,

not that you came in at 2 a.m. last night.

Oops.

You know you're going to be punished for this, don't you?

Well, you're gonna have to take a number.

They're already punishing me at school.

Principal Wicker's been out to get me

ever since I stole her stupid husband.

I mean, some chalk.

Well, what's she going to do to you?

I have to join the tap club.

With the nerds and the geeks?

Nerds, dips, feebs and geeks. [GROANS]

I either tap, or I'm out of school.

What would you do, Mom?

I'd quit school.

Way to go, Supermom.

I can't quit school.

I need school. It's like my office.

I check in, I get my messages,

I go to lunch...

I close a couple of deals, and I go home.

I mean, if I'm on the streets, I'm just another...

Flophouse toy?

No, girl-repellent.

I need school. I belong there.

It's where I'm cool.

It's where I'm important.

It's where I can get a hot meal.

But if I tap, I'll be branded as an ortho.

Oh, God, my brain hurts. Somebody help me.

Okay, look.

Kelly, what you did was wrong.

It was funny, though.

But wrong.

Uh, I guess.

Look, there's two things that Bundys don't do:

We don't eat vegetables, and we don't tap.

So take one more tap class,

and tomorrow I'll get up,

paint one of my ankles, go to work,

and then after that, I'll see your principal.

Thanks, Daddy.

Then I'll go to the airport,

and I'll go to Borneo,

where I'll be I'll be known as

"That Great White Bwana With No Socks."

Roll,

fold,

and flip.

See? It's easy.

Steve's mother used to twist, twist, and tuck.

Of course, Steve's mother is an idiot.

She sewed his name in his underwear

when we got married, you know.

Al's mother just threw up in the dip.

They can't let go, can they?

How come Al has so many socks?

Well, last night,

after Al learned that a man with $20

is not a king in Borneo,

he went out to buy some socks

at Bob's Pre-owned Socks 'N Stuff.

He's on this weird sock quest,

and he just won't believe

that I don't lose them on purpose.

Does Steve blame you when his socks disappear?

Oh, Steve never loses a sock.

He pins them together before I wash them.

Another tip from Mommy.

Yeah, Al's mother had a tip for him too,

"Don't eat the dip tonight."

[TAPPING FOOTSTEPS]

Well, I'm a dweeb.

Honey, what happened to your shoes?

Oh, same thing that happens

to all nerds' possessions--

The cool kids stole them and threw them down the sewer.

Then they said,

"Gee, I wish Kelly was here to see this girl crying."

Well, how was class?

Oh, it was keen, Mom.

Today, they made me dance with Marty Newberger,

the four-eyed saliva machine.

[MASCULINELY] He wants to be friends.

Kelly's principal

is making her take tap dancing.

Oh, how wonderful!

I took tap and cotillion when I was growing up.

Isn't it fun?

Fun?

The whole class is geeks and dweebs.

Really?

When I took tap,

there were no geeks or dweebs in my class.

Well, I'm gonna shuffle off, shuffle off,

shuffle off in front of a truck.

Daddy, did you talk to the principal?

Did you save my life? Did you get me off?

Did Daddy ever let you down before?

Lots of times.

Then you won't be surprised

at what Daddy has to say to you.

I went into Mrs. Wicker's office

and had it out with her man-to-man.

I forgot how much she hated me.

Peg, she remembered you, too.

She called you "The Big Easy."

Well, we get into it,

I called her Big Nose, she called me One Sock,

and, uh, well, the upshot is--

The upshot is

I'm not allowed within 100 yards of the school

until the night of your dance recital.

I don't have to do a dance recital.

You do now.

Boy, I'm hungry. What do we got in the fridge?

A milk carton with a tree growing out of it.

Well, chop it down, cook it up.

Uh, doesn't anybody care

that we seem to be

glossing over the end of my life?

Uh, excuse me here,

but there is nothing wrong with tap.

I tap.

Steve taps.

Sammy Davis Jr. taps,

and he is one hep black cat.

Tap is an art form.

Open yourself to tap, you'll never look back.

Mom, while Mrs. Rhoades finishes her geek attack,

let me explain this to you

so that you can understand.

There's this guy.

He is a god...

the janitor at our school.

So obviously all the girls want him.

Okay, I'm with you, I'm with you.

All right, so I've been playing it cool.

You know, a little smile, a little wink,

a little, "Hey, Bruno, look at this."

You know, he's on the hook,

and I'm just about to land him.

He thinks I'm cool,

but if he sees me wearing these horseshoes,

he's gonna go for some other slut.

Oh, Mom!

Honey, you may not believe this now,

but there will be other janitors.

Not like this one.

Oh, I know, I know,

but honey, we're not rich enough to send you to private school,

you're not smart enough to get an equivalency diploma,

and unless your father

comes up with a brilliant idea...

I'm afraid you're gonna have to tap.

Miss Music, cue it up, please.

["ANYTHING GOES" PLAYING]

Hey, "Anything Goes."

That's your song, isn't it, Kel?

[MOUTHS]

Focus, Kelly. Focus.

All right. Now, watch me.

And a-five, six, seven, eight.

Hop, shuffle, step.

Fa-lap, ball change.

Now you.

Nerd, geek, dweeb, da-weeb, nerd, dork.

Good, good.

See, you're starting to feel it.

Now with me.

Miss Music, hit it.

A-five, six, seven, eight.

["ANYTHING GOES" PLAYING]

Al, look at our little girl.

We don't really have to go

to a recital, do we?

Peg, remember the Bundy credo:

When one Bundy is embarrassed,

the rest of us feel better about ourselves.

Well, we're gonna be feeling mighty good come showtime.

Hop, shuffle, step, shuffle, step,

shuffle, ball change, ball change,

Hop, shuffle, step,

shuffle, step, shuffle, step,

ball change, ball change, cramp roll...

Bring it home, baby!

Bring it home!

And the big finish!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Steve!

Yeah, I know, I know.

Kelly?

Kelly!

Don't do that!

You can have fun in those shoes.

See, your problem is

you're not tuned in to the true spirit of tap

and what tap can do for you.

Now, tap can be your friend, you know,

on those lonely nights

when the cool kids

don't invite you to their parties.

When everybody else is out having fun,

but you're home, studying,

trying to make something of yourself,

so that someday

you can own the best car in the neighborhood.

And on those mornings when you look in the mirror,

and see a guy who's pretty darn good-looking,

but shunned because of his intelligence.

But they'll be sorry someday,

because everybody needs a car or a home loan,

and that's when they come crawling on their bellies to me.

So I guess "Steve, Steve, the school's pet peeve"

is worth something after all.

So crawl, crawl, you paupers, and kiss my--

Uh-- What?

Steve.

Oh.

Anyhow, the point is

tap builds character for people who need it.

I didn't. I was popular.

I played the accordion.

Al, we've got to do something.

We cannot let her turn out like this.

Peg, if she doesn't tap, she's out of school.

Then she'll be home all day with you.

And hop, shuffle, step,

fa-lap, ball change.

Oh, very good.

Very good.

Al, she dances like a horse.

[APPLAUSE]

That was fun, wasn't it?

My goodness, that Newberger boy

doesn't swallow at all, does he?

He gets some good distance, too.

Al, maybe it's not too late

to get Kelly out of this.

Try saying something nice to Principal Wicker.

You're looking less ugly tonight.

If your daughter isn't great, she's out of here

like spit through a trumpet.

There's no reaching her, Peg.

Oh, and by the way,

a week ago I had 10 pairs of socks.

Now I have a red and a green one.

I know you're up to something.

All women are in it.

It's a signal, isn't it?

It means "a year before we strike."

Al, you're just being paranoid.

I just know Kelly's going to mix up my instructions.

She's going to shuffle when she should be balling.

I just know it.

Hop, shuffle, death.

Hop, shuffle, fail.

Hop, shuffle, bus station.

[SIGHS]

Hi, Kel.

Gee,

are your front teeth starting to protrude?

Isn't that an early warning sign of geekdom?

How come no date tonight, Bud?

Couldn't get the wig on Buck?

That's funny, Kel.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you say... "duh-eeee?"

Oh, God!

It's him. It's Bruno.

If he sees me, I'm going to die.

Hey, Bruno, look.

It's Kelly.

Hi, Kelly.

I didn't recognize you.

How come you look like a geek?

Well, it's, uh, "Be Kind to Geek Week,"

so, you know...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, did you see Newberger out there

fizzing his way across the stage?

I wonder if he does lawns on the weekends?

Listen, you don't want to watch these geeks.

Why don't you hit the parking lot

and pick out a car we can take for a ride?

Hey, you know, I'd love to,

but, you know, it's a parole violation.

I think I'll just hang with you

and laugh at the nerds.

I'm laughing already.

Uh-oh, Newberger's talking to somebody.

I'd better go use this mop

before they drown.

Coming!

Gee, Kel, what you gonna to do now?

HOST: And now, the Ganaywick sisters

will delight you with their tap interpretation

of "Dueling Banjos."

[SLOW THUDDING]

I'm doomed.

Listen, Kel,

if it makes you feel any better,

I find this...

very, very funny.

What am I doing?

I'm not a tap dancer. I mean, let's face it,

they're gonna throw me out of school no matter what.

Well,

one thing I've learned from being a Bundy

is if you're gonna lose, lose big.

That's what Dad does,

and that's what I'm going to do.

Ah, what the hell.

I hate you, but you're my sister,

so if you need help, you got it.

Hey, girlie...

how would you like to keep your hair?

[CLAPPING]

She's next, Bundy. Ha ha!

Come on, Wicker.

You're not really going to make my daughter

go through with this, are you?

Think back to when you were a little girl...

roaming the range

with the rest of the buffalo.

Scratching yourself up against a tree.

Trembling to the sound of the iron horse.

She dances or she's expelled.

There's no charming her, Peg.

Before our next act, please, please remember,

we need you to contribute to our fund

for a new tap club bus.

And now I hope you'll welcome our final act,

Miss Kelly Bundy.

[APPLAUSE]

Where's the top hat? Where's the cane?

["FEVER" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

* I never know How much I love you *

* I never know How much I care *

* When you put Your arms around me *

* I get a fever That's so hard to bear *

* You give me fever *

* When you kiss me *

* Fever when you Hold me tight *

* Fever *

* In the morning *

* Fever all through the night *

She's not doing--

She is not doing what I told--

Marcie...

Take me, tap master.

* You give me fever *

Hey! Cut that out!

My little girl's up there.

She's liable to see you.

Peg, has everybody lost their minds but us?

* Never know How much I love you *

* Never know how much I care *

* When you put Your arms around me *

Aah!

* I get a fever That's so hard to bear *

* You give me fever *

* When you kiss me *

* Fever when you Hold me tight *

* Fever *

* In the morning *

* Fever all though the night *

* Sun lights up the daytime *

* Moon lights up the night *

* I light up When you call my name *

* And you know I'm gonna treat you right *

* You give me fever *

* When you kiss me *

* Fever when you Hold me tight *

* Fever *

* In the morning *

* Fever all through the night *

* Everybody's got the fever *

* That is something You all know *

* Fever isn't Such a new thing *

* Fever started long ago *

* Ah **

Well, we're done.

Where did everybody go?

Wasn't that nice?

Oh, oh, thank you.

Thank you.

She's our best student, you know.

Oh.

She bit me on the neck, Peg!

Now I'll live forever!

Oh, no!

[APPLAUSE]

BUD: Kelly, help me!

Please, please!

A Ganaywick sister has me!

Help!