Original subtitles

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

Albert: WHOOPEE!

Laura, Albert, Andy: NO MORE PENCILS, NO MORE BOOKS!

NO MORE TEACHER'S DIRTY LOOKS!

NO SCHOOL TILL NEXT FALL!

YAY!

FREE AS BIRDS!

OH, WE GOT THE WHOLE SUMMER!

- NO HOMEWORK! - NO TESTS!

WE GOT TO SEE KEZIA, COME ON!

YEAH!

Albert: WHOOPEE!

THAT SHOULD DO IT.

YES.

NOW, LET'S SEE WHO'S WRITTEN WHAT

TO OLD PRUNE-FACE HARRIET OLESON.

AH.

NOW...

OH.

AIN'T THAT A SHAME?

THEY'RE ALL OUT OF THE FRENCH CORTEL CORSETS SHE ORDERED.

THE VENUS MODEL, NO LESS.

"COMFORT AND ELEGANCE COMBINED--

"A SUMMER CORSET--

"SATEEN STRIPED,

REINFORCED FRONT STEELS AND TWO SIDE STEELS."

SHE'D DO JUST AS WELL WITH A ROLL OF BALING WIRE.

Laura: HI, KEZIA! CAN WE COME IN?

OH! COME ON IN!

[LAUGHS]

HELLO.

Laura: THERE'S NO MORE SCHOOL TILL THE FALL, KEZIA.

WE CAN COME TO YOUR PLACE MOST EVERY DAY NOW.

AFTER WE DO OUR CHORES, OF COURSE, IF YOU'D LIKE.

LIKE?

I'D LOVE IT!

YOU KNOW THE WELCOME MAT'S ALWAYS OUT

FOR YOU DARLINGS AT LAKE KEZIA.

OH, WE'LL HAVE A MARVELOUS SUMMER.

Kezia: WE WILL, THE 4 OF US.

HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE FILLING IN HERE

FOR MS. FOSTER?

OH, SHE COMES BACK TOMORROW.

Andy: THEN WE CAN START FISHING AND FROGGING TOMORROW.

YEAH, AND SINGING SEA CHANTIES,

AND LISTENING TO ALL THE STORIES ABOUT ALL YOUR HUSBANDS.

OH, YES, EACH OF THEM ARE RARE MEN.

WHISKEY JAKE CURRY, SMILING WILLY HORNE,

HARPOON HARRY WALSH, AND HANDSOME TOMMY BANE.

OH, DON'T FORGET DANCING DANNY RYAN.

[LAUGHING]

ALL OF THEM GOOD SAILORS.

ALL OF THEM GONE.

GONE TO THE SEA, NEVER TO COME BACK, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.

NEVER FORGOTTEN.

WELL, WE KNOW YOU'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK.

WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

- SEE YOU TOMORROW, KEZIA! - YEAH, SEE YOU TOMORROW!

OHH...BACK TO WORK.

POLLY, FETCH ME ANOTHER LETTER.

[CROWING]

THIS SHOULD BE A TORRID ONE, POLLY.

IT'S FROM NANCY [INDISTINCT].

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS SUMMER, CHILDREN?

I'M JUST GOING TO REST UP.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING THAT DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR. WHAT ABOUT YOU, NELLIE?

OH, I HAVE NO PLANS, FATHER.

I DO. [LAUGHS]

IT'S A SURPRISE FOR ALL OF YOU.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A SUMMER PLACE.

A SUMMER PLACE? WHY?

WELL, ALL WEALTHY PEOPLE HAVE SUMMER PLACES...

TO GET AWAY FROM THE HEAT AND THE BUSTLE OF THE CITY.

WELL, I'LL GRANT YOU THE HEAT, BUT WHAT CITY? WHAT BUSTLE?

WE'VE ONLY HAD 3 PEOPLE IN HERE ALL AFTERNOON!

AH. ALL THE MORE REASON FOR THE CHILDREN AND ME TO ENJOY OUR ADVANTAGES.

YOU CAN EASILY HANDLE THE STORE.

[SARCASTICALLY] THANKS.

WELL, JUST WHERE IS THIS PLACE THAT YOU'RE CONSIDERING?

[LAUGHS]

I'M NOT CONSIDERING, NELS.

I'VE ALREADY SET THE WHEELS IN MOTION.

IN FACT, I'VE ALREADY ORDERED THE SUMMER FURNITURE.

[SARCASTICALLY] HOW NICE OF YOU TO CONSULT ME.

BUT JUST WHERE IS THIS HOUSE?

I TOLD YOU.

IT'S A SURPRISE!

[LAUGHS]

[DUCKS QUACKING]

HEY! I GOT ONE!

I GOT ONE!

AH! THERE SHE BLOWS!

LOOK AT THAT!

OH!

- OH, BOY! - WHOPPING BIG FISH!

LOOK AT THE SIZE OF IT!

Kezia: HA HA! I RECKON THERE'S ENOUGH FISH THERE

FOR A STOMACH-FILLING SUPPER. HA HA!

LET'S HEAD FOR THE SHORE AND THE FRYING PAN.

Polly: TIME TO EAT. TIME TO EAT. LET'S EAT.

[SIZZLING]

OH! I'M SO FULL, I THINK I'M GOING TO BUST.

ME TOO.

OH, I ATE LIKE A HORSE.

THERE'S NOTHING BETTER FOR A MAN

THAN TO CATCH HIS OWN SUPPER.

BOY, THAT SURE IS TRUE.

I USUALLY DON'T LIKE FISH AT HOME,

BUT WHEN I CATCH IT MYSELF, IT'S DELICIOUS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

[LAUGHS]

TELL US A STORY, KEZIA.

- YEAH. TELL US. - ALL RIGHT, ME PRETTIES.

NOW, DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT HOW HARPOON HARRY WALSH--

HE WAS ME THIRD HUSBAND, YOU KNOW--

HOW HE RODE ON THE BACK OF THE LOCH NESS MONSTER?

THE WHAT?

Kezia: THE LOCH NESS MONSTER.

A CREATURE SO FRIGHTENING THAT HE BECAME A LEGEND.

IT'S TRUE. I HEARD ABOUT IT AT SCHOOL.

TELL US ABOUT IT.

WELL, YOU SEE THAT HARPOON THERE?

THAT'S THE VERY SAME HARPOON HE PUT INTO THE GREAT BEAST.

HE GIVE IT ME AS A WEDDING PRESENT.

YES, HE SAID HE'D...

HE'D HOOKED ME GOOD AND PROPER,

AND HE WANTED ME TO HAVE THE HARPOON

SO THAT I'D NEVER FORGET.

WELL, DID HE KILL THE MONSTER?

Kezia: NOW, DON'T INTERRUPT, NOW.

SORRY.

IT WAS, UH...YES, IT WAS NOVEMBER...

1832...

ON A LOVELY MORNING.

HARRY WALSH WAS ON THE LAKE,

AND, UH...HE SPIES A TREMENDOUS HEAD

COMING RIGHT OUT OF THE WATER,

NEARLY TOUCHING THE SKY!

"HA! THERE SHE BLOWS!" HE SAID.

"THERE SHE BLOWS!" HA HA!

[WAGON APPROACHING]

OH.

THERE'S SOMEONE COMING.

IT'S HIM AGAIN!

OH.

I'LL BE BACK.

THAT'S FAR ENOUGH!

THAT'S FAR ENOUGH, I SAID!

Kezia: YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME, MR. FLINT.

I'M NOT PAYING TAXES ON THIS LAND.

I TOLD YOU THAT THE YEAR BEFORE LAST

AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT!

I'M NOT HERE TO COLLECT THE TAXES.

OH, WELL, I'M HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.

THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN PAID.

PAID?

WHO PAID THEM?

THE NEW OWNER.

Mr. Flint: I WARNED YOU.

YOU HAD TO PAY YOUR TAXES, BUT YOU WOULDN'T.

IT'S BEEN AUCTIONED OFF.

WHAT?

WELL, I SENT YOU A LETTER ABOUT IT.

I NEVER READ ME OWN MAIL.

Mr. Flint: YOU SHOULD HAVE READ IT.

[SIGHS]

LOOK, I'M SORRY. THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.

THE NEW OWNER IS GOING TO TAKE POSSESSION OF THE PROPERTY TOMORROW.

I'M SORRY.

ALWAYS A CASTLE,

AND NOW THEY'RE GOING TO CAST ME OFF THE PLACE.

I WANTED TO SPEND ME LAST DAYS.

THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO YOU, KEZIA.

WE WON'T LET THEM.

WELL, THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT, LADS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU PAY YOUR TAXES, KEZIA?

WELL, I DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY.

I MEAN, TAXES IS LIKE JOBS--

THEY'RE FOR THE YOUNG.

WHO WOULD BE MEAN ENOUGH TO GO AND BUY YOUR OWN PROPERTY

RIGHT OUT FROM UNDERNEATH YOU LIKE THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, LAD.

I DON'T KNOW.

AHH.

BUT I TELL YOU,

I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP WITHOUT A FIGHT.

HARRIET, YOU CAN'T DO THIS!

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!

IT IS OVER. I'VE DONE IT, AND THAT'S ENOUGH.

BUT TO EVICT AN OLD WOMAN? SHE'LL BE HOMELESS!

OH, NELS! WHAT I DID WAS PERFECTLY LEGAL.

I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE LAW.

I AM TALKING ABOUT A HUMAN BEING!

WELL! I'M A HUMAN BEING, TOO!

AND I WANTED THAT LAKE!

NOW, HERE, HELP ME WITH THIS THING.

IT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED, BUT IT WILL HAVE TO DO.

HARRIET, PLEASE, IF YOU'LL JUST--

OH, JUST CINCH ME UP.

[GRUNTS]

THE PROBLEM WITH YOU

IS YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF BUSINESS AT ALL.

I MEAN, IT WAS $50. IT WAS A STEAL!

I MEAN--OH!

IT'S TOO TIGHT, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

[SIGHS]

THERE. THAT'S BETTER.

OH, NELS.

OH, I'LL MAKE IT A SOCIAL CENTER.

I'LL BRING CULTURE AND GRACE

TO THE PLEBEIAN POPULACE OF WALNUT GROVE.

WELL, YOU WON'T BRING IT TO ME.

STEALING THAT OLD WOMAN'S HOME!

OH!

YOU CAN GO OUT THERE AND SPEND THE SUMMER. I'M STAYING IN TOWN.

WELL, YOU'LL BE SORRY, NELS OLESON. YOU JUST STAY RIGHT HERE IN TOWN.

YOU'LL BE MISERABLE ALL SUMMER LONG...ALONE.

YES, ALONE. THE WAY I LIKE IT.

OH, YOU-- OH! NELS!

I SEE YOU'RE FINALLY FIT TO BE TIED, HARRIET.

NELS!

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!

[HAMMERING]

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT, ALICE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK.

COME ON. I'M REALLY PROUD OF THAT MOOSE HEAD.

I'M SURE THE MOOSE WAS, TOO.

I DIDN'T HEAR NO COMPLAINTS WHEN WE HAD THE MEAT.

THE ANIMAL WASN'T STARING AT ME WHILE WE ATE.

COME ON. THOSE EYES ARE MADE OUT OF GLASS.

YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU, SON?

I SUPPOSE.

I THOUGHT I'D GET SOME SUPPORT OUT OF YOU, ANYWAY.

WELL, I'M SORRY. I JUST...

CAN'T STOP WORRYING ABOUT KEZIA.

HOW COME THEY MAKE OLD PEOPLE PAY TAXES, ANYWAY?

I--I DON'T KNOW, SON.

IT AIN'T RIGHT.

MAYBE THEY'LL CHANGE IT SOMETIME.

THAT WON'T HELP KEZIA.

Jonathan: YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, SON. WHY DON'T YOU AND I GO FROGGING?

THAT WILL TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF IT.

- OKAY. BYE, MA! - WE WON'T BE LONG, ALICE.

Alice: DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND TALK TO YOUR FRIEND.

ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE SOME MORE PIE, REVEREND?

WHAT I'D LIKE AND WHAT I SHOULD HAVE, CAROLINE, ARE TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

THANK YOU, BUT NO.

I FIGURED IT WOULD BE MRS. OLESON

THAT WOULD TAKE POOR OLD KEZIA'S PROPERTY AWAY FROM HER.

YEAH, SHE COULD HARDLY WAIT TO TELL ME.

SHE WANTS ME TO COME TO TEA AS SOON AS SHE GETS SETTLED.

I HOPE YOU SAID NO.

Caroline: LAURA.

Alden: THAT'S ALL RIGHT, CAROLINE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I TOLD HER I HAD A VERY FULL SCHEDULE,

BUT I AM GOING OUT THERE TOMORROW WHEN MRS. OLESON TAKES POSSESSION.

I'M JUST A LITTLE BIT AFRAID OF KEZIA'S TEMPER.

BOY, SHE WAS HOPPING MAD TODAY.

WELL, I THOUGHT MY PRESENCE THERE MIGHT MAKE THINGS

A LITTLE MORE... CHRISTIAN, SHALL WE SAY?

CAN WE GO WITH YOU?

WELL, I'M SURE THAT REVEREND ALDEN CAN HANDLE IT, HALF-PINT.

Alden: WELL, I KNOW I CAN HANDLE IT, CHARLES,

BUT YOU KNOW HOW KEZIA FEELS ABOUT THE YOUNG ONES.

IT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR HER TO HAVE THEM OUT THERE.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, REVEREND.

I WILL PICK YOU TWO UP AT 7:00.

[DUCKS QUACKING]

I WON'T. I WON'T LEAVE THE SHIP WITHOUT A FIGHT!

NOW, KEZIA, VIOLENCE NEVER DID ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, REVEREND,

YOU'RE WRONG THERE.

IT WOULD GIVE ME A HEAP OF SATISFACTION

TO RUN THIS THROUGH THAT OLD SEA COW

LIKE A PIG ON A SPIT!

I AM POSITIVE YOU DON'T MEAN THAT, KEZIA.

POSITIVE MEANS WRONG FROM THE TOP OF YOUR VOICE!

HERE SHE COMES NOW.

HERE SHE COMES.

SHE'S COMING TO TAKE MY PROPERTY!

[DUCKS QUACKING]

ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN... COME ALONG.

I AIN'T GETTING OUT AS LONG AS SHE'S GOT THAT HARPOON.

NOW, KEZIA...

I'VE COME TO TAKE POSSESSION OF MY PROPERTY.

POSSESSION IS 9 POINTS OF THE LAW, THEY SAY,

AND I AM THE ONE POSSESSING THIS PROPERTY

AND THIS HARPOON.

YOU KEEP THAT OLD CROW AWAY FROM ME.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN OLD CROW?

YOU...YOU BEACHED WHALE, YOU!

OH, YOU LITTLE SILLY TOAD! GET OFF MY PROPERTY!

- A TOAD? - YES!

THIS IS MY PROPERTY!

DON'T WORRY. I'LL HANDLE IT.

Kezia: YOU GET OFF MY PROPERTY!

Alden: LADIES, THIS IS NO WAY TO BE ACTING,

EITHER ONE OF YOU. THIS IS NOT CHRISTIAN.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S CHRISTIAN!

Alden: WAIT! STOP THIS!

Harriet: GET AWAY! GET OFF! GET OFF!

Alden: LADIES!

Harriet: SHE'S AN ANIMAL! OH!

GET HER AWAY FROM ME! OH!

LOOKS LIKE THE REVEREND WAS WRONG ABOUT BEING ABLE TO HANDLE IT.

[HARRIET SCREAMING] [POLLY CAWING]

Harriet: OH!

Alden: STOP IT!

Kezia: YOU ANIMAL!

OH! LET ME UP!

YEAH! OH, BOY!

Polly: FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.

OH!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

NOW, STOP IT BEFORE I FORGET I'M A MINISTER AND LOSE MY TEMPER!

REVEREND ALDEN, PLEASE.

NOW, THAT'S BETTER.

[GROANS]

NOW, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT KEZIA'S HOME.

SURELY WE CAN WORK OUT SOME KIND OF REASONABLE AND CHARITABLE COMPROMISE.

WHY, LIKE WHAT?

LIKE SOME WAY THAT KEZIA COULD STAY ON HERE.

WELL...

UH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

Alden: IT IS THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO, MRS. OLESON.

Nellie: MOTHER, SOMEONE'S GOT TO DO THE COOKING AND CLEANING.

Willie: AND ALL THE CHORES, TOO.

THAT'S VERY TRUE, CHILDREN, AND AS THE REVEREND SAYS,

IT IS THE CHRISTIAN THING TO DO.

VERY WELL.

SHE CAN STAY,

BUT I'M AFRAID THERE'S NOWHERE FOR HER TO SLEEP

EXCEPT IN THE SHED.

KEZIA?

RECKON I'VE GOT NO CHOICE, REVEREND.

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

I'VE BEEN MOVING ON FOR 80 YEARS.

NOW I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO GO...

EXCEPT ME GRAVE.

Alden: ALL RIGHT, IT'S SETTLED.

YES.

WE'RE SORRY, KEZIA.

WELL, ANYWAY, I'VE GOT A ROOF OVER ME HEAD.

SOME ROOF--

ON A TOOL SHED.

WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

[SNIFFLES]

YOU WILL COME AND SEE ME SOMETIME, WON'T YOU?

WE WILL.

POLLY! COME ON.

[POLLY CAWING]

ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN...

COME ALONG, LET'S GET THE BAGS OUT.

[CHILDREN SHOUTING]

ALL RIGHT, NOW, MURIEL, WATCH ME,

BECAUSE THIS CAN'T BE ALL THAT DIFFICULT, I'M SURE.

NOW, YELLOW BULL'S-EYE--

OH!

GOOD HEAVENS!

WELL, ONLY AN INDIAN CAN SHOOT THESE THINGS, ANYWAY.

- HONESTLY. - HARRIET, MIGHT I TRY THAT?

- OH. YEAH. - THANK YOU.

OF COURSE.

KEZIA!

BRING REFRESHMENTS FOR MY GUESTS!

I THOUGHT IT WAS RATHER FUN.

Harriet: KEZIA!

Kezia: OH.

Harriet: KEZIA!

"KEZIA! KEZIA!" DAY AND NIGHT.

I'M GETTING SICK OF HEARING ME OWN NAME.

WHAT HAS BEEN KEEPING YOU?

YOU ARE AS SLOW AS MOLASSES!

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES,

WILL YOU PLEASE SERVE THE GUESTS

AND MAKE SOME MORE LEMONADE?

AND START SUPPER RIGHT AWAY,

BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE 12 GUESTS.

YES, MA'AM.

AND HURRY UP!

WHY, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!

SHE'S GOING TO KILL POOR OLD KEZIA MAKING HER WORK LIKE THAT.

JUST WISH WE COULD DO SOMETHING FOR HER.

YEAH, BUT WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

Caroline: "THEN BRER RABBIT, HE SQUALLS OUT,

"DIS DE WAY A BIG MAN SPIT!

"AND WITH THAT, HE TILTS OVER THE BIG TUB OF SLOP WATER,

"AND WHEN THE OTHER CREATURES HEARD IT COME

"A-SLOSHIN' DOWN THE STAIR STEPS,

"BY JINGO, THEY ALL HEISTED THEMSELVES

"OUT OF THAT HOUSE LICKETY-SPLIT.

"SOME WENT SAILING OUT THE BACK DOOR,

"SOME OUT THE FRONT DOOR.

SOME FELL OUT THE WINDOW."

[LAUGHTER]

"THEN BRER RABBIT,

"HE JUST TOOK AND SHUT HIMSELF UP IN THE HOUSE

"AND FASTENED ALL THE WINDOWS,

"AND THEN HE WENT TO BED, HE DID,

"AND PULLED THE COVERS UP ABOUT HIS EARS.

"IF THE OTHER CREATURES WERE GOING TO GET SCARED

"AND RUN AWAY FROM THEIR OWN HOUSE,

"WHAT BUSINESS WAS THAT OF BRER RABBIT?

"BRER RABBIT, HE WENT TO SLEEP, HE DID.

THE END."

[CHARLES LAUGHS]

I LOVE UNCLE REMUS.

READ ANOTHER STORY, MA, PLEASE?

NOT TONIGHT, YOUNG LADY.

YOU'RE GOING TO DO WHAT BRER RABBIT DID--

GO TO SLEEP.

AND SLEEP, HE DID.

YOU BEST GET TO BED, TOO.

NOT UNLESS YOU TUCK ME IN AND READ ME A STORY.

I WAS SPEAKING TO THE CHILDREN.

[LAUGHTER]

Charles: YOUR MA'S RIGHT. COME ON.

- GOOD NIGHT, PA. - GOOD NIGHT, LOVE.

- GOOD NIGHT, PA. - GOOD NIGHT, DARLING.

[LAURA YAWNS]

Albert: IT SURE WAS A GOOD STORY.

Laura: YEAH.

THE WAY BRER RABBIT SCARED THEM OUT OF THEIR OWN HOUSE.

YEAH.

FIRST, HE SHOT OFF HIS GUN. BANG!

THEN HE SHOT OFF HIS CANNON. BOOM!

ALBERT, I ALREADY HEARD THE STORY.

NOW, COULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP?

MAYBE THERE IS A WAY WE CAN HELP KEZIA GET HER HOUSE BACK.

HOW?

BY SCARING MRS. OLESON OFF THE PROPERTY.

YEAH. BUT HOW?

I DON'T KNOW YET.

MAYBE KEZIA CAN HELP US FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.

YEAH, SHE KNOWS LOTS OF SCARY STORIES.

YEAH. LET'S SEE IF WE CAN TALK TO HER TOMORROW.

- GOOD NIGHT. - GOOD NIGHT.

DARN!

WHAT?

WELL, NOW I CAN'T SLEEP.

GOOD.

NOW YOUR SNORING WON'T KEEP ME AWAKE.

YOU THINK, AND I'LL SLEEP.

[HARRIET LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]

[APPLAUSE]

THERE SHE...

BLOWS.

SHE SWIMS LIKE A PREGNANT PENGUIN, SHE DOES.

PSST. KEZIA.

KEZIA!

YOU'RE A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES, DEARIES.

WHEREVER HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING YOURSELVES?

THE OLESONS DON'T WANT US HERE.

AND WE DON'T WANT THEM HERE ON YOUR LAND,

MAKING YOU WORK YOUR FINGERS TO THE BONE.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT IT, LOVES.

MAYBE THERE IS, KEZIA.

MAYBE WE CAN SCARE THEM OFF THE PROPERTY.

Andy: BUT WE DON'T KNOW HOW.

Albert: YEAH, WE WERE FIGURING MAYBE YOU'D HAVE AN IDEA.

YEAH, YOU'VE BEEN EVERYWHERE,

SEEN EVERYTHING THERE IS.

COULD YOU THINK OF SOMETHING

THAT WOULD SCARE THE PANTS OFF OF THEM?

OH, I WISH I KNEW.

Albert: HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

REMEMBER WHAT YOU TOLD US ABOUT THE MONSTER?

UH, WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

LOCH NESS.

YEAH.

THE LOCH NESS.

WHAT IF THERE WAS A MONSTER IN THIS LAKE?

WHAT IF THERE WAS?

[LAUGHTER]

[SNORING]

[LOUD BELLOW]

OH.

OH, NELS.

STOP THAT SNORING.

[LOUD BELLOW]

NELS, STOP!

OH. OH, NELS IS NOT HERE.

[LOUD BELLOW]

MOTHER, WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE NOISE?

OH...

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

[GROANS]

BUT I'M GOING TO...

I'M GOING TO FIND OUT.

DON'T JUST STAND THERE, COME ON.

[LOUD BELLOWING]

IT'S HIM!

WHO "HIM"?

I CALL HIM THE LAKE KEZIA MONSTER.

UH, IT'S LAKE HARRIET.

WHAT MONSTER?

OH, SOMETHING LIKE THEM MONSTERS THEY HAVE IN THE SCOTTISH LAKES.

THEY CALL THEM LOCHS.

AH!

NONSENSE! THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A MONSTER.

I READ ABOUT THOSE MONSTERS IN SCHOOL.

THERE'S ONE IN LOCH NESS. A LOT OF PEOPLE SAW HIM.

- OH. - YEAH.

LIKE THE TERRIBLE, FEARSOME THING

THAT LURKS IN THESE WATERS OUT THERE.

DID YOU EVER SEE HIM?

Kezia: SHIVER ME TIMBERS, CHILD.

I SEEN HIM EVERY MONTH SINCE I BEEN HERE.

YES, LIKE CLOCKWORK,

HE STARTS THAT INFERNAL BELLOWING,

GETTING READY TO RISE ON THE NIGHT OF THE FULL MOON.

YES...

SEEKING HUMAN FODDER, SO THE STORY GOES,

IN REVENGE FOR A MATE

WHO WAS KILLED OVER 100 YEARS AGO.

[LAUGHS]

DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE SUCH AN OUTLANDISH TALE?

Kezia: YOU CAN BELIEVE IT OR NOT.

IT'S YOUR MONSTER NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S MY MONSTER NOW?

WELL, IT GOES WITH THE PROPERTY...

AND ITS CURSE.

IT'S PROBABLY WHY THE CLARKS PULLED UP STAKES

AND WENT TO CALIFORNIA.

Kezia: ABANDONED THE PLACE BEFORE THEY WAS DEVOURED.

[LOUD BELLOWING]

OH! POPPYCOCK! HA HA!

WHY DIDN'T HE COME AFTER YOU?

HE DID...

SLATHERING AND SLURPING...

EVERY MONTH!

WHY'D YOU STAY?

Harriet: YEAH.

Kezia: WELL, I HAD NO PLACE ELSE TO GO,

NOT LIKE YOU,

WITH A FINE PLACE OF YOUR OWN IN WALNUT GROVE.

BESIDES, HE DIDN'T LIKE THIS HARPOON, HE DIDN'T.

WELL, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK, KEZIA?

I THINK YOU ARE A MONUMENTAL LIAR,

AND YOU'RE JUST SAYING ALL THIS NONSENSE

TO TRY AND SCARE ME OFF MY PROPERTY AND MY LAKE.

SO DO I.

ME TOO.

Harriet: NOW, I THINK THAT IT IS NOTHING MORE

THAN A SICK COW MAKING THAT NOISE,

AND IF I HEAR ANY MORE NONSENSE ABOUT MONSTERS,

YOU WILL BE FIRED.

CHILDREN, TO BED.

[LOUD BELLOWING]

[BELLOW]

[LAUGHING]

[BELLOW]

[LAUGHING]

[BELLOW]

YOU CAN STOP NOW, LOVES.

HER LADYSHIP WOULDN'T BUY IT.

DARN.

BUT THANKS FOR TRYING ALL THE SAME.

WELL, I BEST GET TO BED NOW.

I GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, ALL.

Children: GOOD NIGHT, KEZIA.

AW, GEE. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY-- SEEING IS BELIEVING.

SO?

SO WE'LL MAKE A MONSTER SHE CAN SEE.

WHAT KIND OF MONSTER?

OH, ONE THAT WILL REALLY SCARE HARRIET OLESON OUT OF HER PANTS.

THAT I'D LOVE TO SEE.

WELL, WE BEST BE GETTING HOME NOW. I'LL TELL YOU ON THE WAY.

ARE YOU SURE THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS MONSTERS?

GO TO SLEEP, WILLIE.

[SNORING]

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S ONLY MOTHER.

[LOUD SNORING]

OH, YEAH.

GOOD MORNING, MR. OLESON.

WELL, GOOD MORNING, LAURA. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

HOW MUCH GLUE AND TACKS COULD I BUY FOR 15 CENTS?

GLUE AND TACKS? WHAT ARE YOU WORKING ON?

WELL, IT'S A SPECIAL PROJECT, SORT OF AN INVENTION.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--I LIKE TO ENCOURAGE

CHILDREN'S EDUCATIONAL PROJECTS.

I'LL JUST DONATE WHATEVER YOU NEED.

THANKS, MR. OLESON! I'LL NEED ABOUT A GALLON OF GLUE

AND ABOUT A COUPLE POUNDS OF TACKS.

[WHISTLES]

MMM, MUST BE QUITE A BIG PROJECT.

OH, THE BIGGER, THE BETTER, I ALWAYS SAY.

WELL, ANYTHING ELSE?

WELL, COULD YOU SPARE

ABOUT 10 YARDS OF BURLAP SACKING?

10 YARDS OF BURLAP... WELL, LET'S SEE.

WE GOT, UH...WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE WHAT'S LEFT HERE?

IT'S AT LEAST 10 YARDS.

IS THAT ALL?

LET ME THINK.

I KNOW IT'S AN AWFUL LOT, BUT A COUPLE OF ROMAN CANDLES?

ROMAN CANDLES?

WELL, THAT SOUNDS VERY INTERESTING.

UH, HOW ABOUT 3 OF THEM?

NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED A SPARE.

GEE, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU, MR. OLESON.

OH...THINK NOTHING OF IT.

GLAD TO HELP.

I JUST HOPE THE PROJECT WORKS.

IF IT DOES, YOU'LL HEAR ABOUT IT.

- GOOD. - THANKS AGAIN!

ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK!

- HI, PA. HI, PA. - OH, HI, BOY.

HEY, WHAT YOU UP TO, FELLOWS?

WE'VE COME TO GET SOME SCRAP WOOD.

THERE'S A WHOLE STACK OF IT OVER THERE. TAKE WHAT YOU NEED.

- THANKS. - THANKS.

BUILDING SOMETHING?

- YES, SIR. - LIKE WHAT?

WE HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.

[JONATHAN LAUGHS]

Albert: YOU SURE WERE LUCKY AT OLESON'S.

WE CAN MAKE THE MONSTER AS BIG AS WE WANT NOW.

Andy: HOW LONG DO YOU THINK IT'LL TAKE?

WELL, WE HAVE TO GET IT DONE IN 3 DAYS.

THAT'S WHEN THE MOON WILL BE FULL.

IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL JUST KEEP SCARING THEM A LITTLE BIT,

KEEP THEM THINKING ABOUT THE MONSTER.

Laura: OH, I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THAT FULL MOON.

WE'LL WORK ON IT AT OUR CLUBHOUSE.

WE DON'T WANT OUR FOLKS FINDING OUT.

RIGHT.

WELL, PA WOULDN'T MIND.

WE CAN'T TAKE THAT RISK.

ALBERT'S RIGHT, LAURA.

THE ONLY THING WORRYING ME IS BUILDING THAT HEAD.

IT'S GOT TO LOOK REAL SCARY.

YEAH.

HEY! I GOT AN IDEA.

YOU GUYS GO AHEAD.

I'LL MEET YOU AT THE CLUBHOUSE.

COME ON.

HI, MA!

YOU'RE HOME EARLY TODAY.

IS PA HOME?

NO, HE'S MAKING A DELIVERY TO SLEEPY EYE.

THAT OLD MOOSE HEAD SURE LOOKS UGLY UP THERE.

SURE DOES.

PA SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT IT IN THE HOUSE.

I TOLD HIM THAT.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE IT DOWN?

HE PROBABLY WON'T EVEN MISS IT.

MMM, I'D LOVE TO.

WELL, WHY DON'T WE?

WE CAN ALWAYS PUT IT BACK UP LATER.

AFTER ALL, MA, IT'S YOUR HOUSE, TOO.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

ANDREW, TAKE IT DOWN.

[LAUGHS]

[WILLIE LAUGHING]

Willie: YOU'RE ALL WET!

[HARRIET LAUGHS]

Nellie: GET IN ALL THE WAY!

OH, NO, DARLING, NOT TODAY.

I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HAIR WET.

OH, IN THAT BATHING SUIT, SHE LOOKS LIKE A HOT AIR BALLOON.

WHAT DID YOU SAY, KEZIA?

OH. OH, NOTHING, MA'AM,

JUST THAT I'LL HAVE SNAPPED ALL THESE BEANS BY NOON.

UH...WELL, YOU'D BETTER.

ALL RIGHT...

NOW, I'LL GET WILLIE.

AND, ANDY, YOU GET NELLIE.

MRS. OLESON'S ALL YOURS, LAURA.

LET'S GO.

AAH! OH! OH! OH, MY, OH!

OW! OW!

OW! WHAT WAS THAT?

OW! AAH!

AAH! OH, MY! OH, WHAT WAS THAT?

AAH! OH, MY TOE!

Willie: OUCH!

COME ON, DARLINGS. COME ON.

OH, CAREFUL.

MY LEG!

OH! NELLIE, WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

THERE'S A MONSTER OUT THERE!

OH, DARLING, I'M SURE IT'S JUST NOTHING BUT A CRAB.

SOME LITTLE CRAB! IT ALMOST BIT MY LEG OFF!

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS TOMORROW.

DO I KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS?

OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS. IT'S THURSDAY.

YEAH, AND THE NEXT DAY?

WELL, OBVIOUSLY IT'S FRIDAY.

THE MOON WILL BE FULL.

OH, GET BACK TO WORK.

NOW, WILLIE, DARLING, I'M SURE THAT THERE IS NO MONSTER.

NOW, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO.

I WANT YOU TO GO INTO TOWN TOMORROW

AND TELL YOUR FATHER TO GIVE YOU THE SHOTGUN.

BUT IF THERE'S NO MONSTER--

OH, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!

JUST DO IT!

[POLLY CAWS]

Polly: MONSTER'S COMING. THE MONSTER'S COMING.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, THAT AWFUL BIRD!

I'M GOING TO SHOOT IT WITH A SHOTGUN.

LAND SAKES! I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER GET HOME.

I'LL, UH, HEAT UP SOME SUPPER.

NEVER MIND, I'M TOO TIRED TO EAT.

I'M JUST GOING TO GO ON AND GET SOME SLEEP. WHERE'S ANDY?

HE WENT FROGGING AGAIN WITH LAURA AND ALBERT.

YEAH, WELL, I'M GOING TO GET ME SOME REST.

WHERE'S MY MOOSE HEAD?

[BELLOWING]

[CAWING]

FULL MOON TONIGHT.

[CAWING]

Harriet: OH! I'M TIRED OF LISTENING TO THAT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HONING ME HARPOON, MA'AM.

WHY?

I DOES IT EVERY MONTH.

FORCE OF HABIT, AS YOU MIGHT SAY.

Polly: FULL MOON TONIGHT.

FULL MOON TONIGHT. FULL MOON TONIGHT.

OH! YOU TRAINED THAT BIRD TO SAY THAT.

- ME, MA'AM? - YES.

NO, MA'AM.

POLLY HAS A MIND OF HIS OWN.

YOU'VE HEARD THE OLD SAYING--

YOU CAN'T TEACH AN OLD PARROT NEW TRICKS.

THAT IS NOT A PARROT!

[SIGHS]

WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR SUPPER TONIGHT?

FISH...

A VERY LARGE FISH...

AN ENORMOUS FISH.

OH. WELL, START PREPARING IT.

ANY GUESTS?

Harriet: NO, NO GUESTS.

NO ONE WILL COME OUT HERE ANYMORE.

SOMEONE HAS BEEN TELLING THEM ABOUT OUR MONSTER.

THERE ARE NO MONSTERS HERE!

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!

FULL MOON TONIGHT.

[CAWS]

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU THAT SHOTGUN.

BUT IF YOU DON'T GIVE IT TO ME, MA WILL JUST COME HERE AND GET IT HERSELF.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.

ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS, THIS MONSTER BUSINESS.

IT SERVES HER RIGHT FOR TAKING THAT OLD LADY'S LAND!

[DOORBELL JINGLES]

WHAT YOU DOING HERE, WILLIE?

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE SWIMMING TODAY.

NOT ME. I'M NOT GOING IN THAT LAKE.

THE MONSTER BIT ME!

YOU'RE KIDDING.

HERE'S THE SHOTGUN.

THANKS.

WHAT DOES HE NEED A SHOTGUN FOR?

HIS MOTHER THINKS SHE'S GOING TO SHOOT A MONSTER.

BUT ISN'T THAT KIND OF DANGEROUS?

NOT REALLY.

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I LOADED IT WITH BLANKS.

FULLEST MOON I EVER SEEN.

[SIGHS]

BE QUIET. I'M EATING!

I IMAGINE HE WILL, TOO...

TONIGHT.

Laura: IS EVERYBODY READY?

Albert: ALL SET.

Andy: FINE BACK HERE.

YOU TOLD KEZIA NOT TO WORRY

ABOUT THE SHOTGUN, DIDN'T YOU?

Laura: YEAH. LET'S GO.

[LOUD BELLOW]

- OH! MY GOODNESS! - HE'S COMING, HE IS!

- MOTHER! - THE SHOTGUN!

GET THE GUN, WILLIE!

MOTHER!

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! BE QUIET!

[LOUD BELLOW]

WE'LL JUST SEE HOW BRAVE THIS MONSTER IS.

AREN'T YOU COMING?

OH, NO, MA'AM.

I'LL JUST STAY HERE AND PRAY FOR YOU.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.

- MOTHER! - SHH! QUIET. SHH!

[LOUD BELLOW]

[WHISPERING] GET OFF MY SKIRT.

[LOUD BELLOWING]

[BELLOWING]

AAH! AAH!

OH! OH!

OH! IT--IT--

Harriet: IT IS--IT IS-- IT IS--IT IS--

IT IS A MONSTER! OH!

SHOOT IT!

YES! SHOOT IT!

KILL IT! KILL IT!

YOU'VE GOT THE GUN!

OH!

OH! YES! YES!

[HARRIET SCREAMS]

[BELLOWING]

OH, LORD! OH, LORD!

IT'S NO USE! IT WON'T STOP!

OH! RUN, CHILDREN!

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

OH, MY GOD!

Laura: IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THEY'RE HALFWAY TO WALNUT GROVE BY NOW.

[LAUGHS]

Albert: COME ON. LET'S GO SEE KEZIA.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

WE DID IT! WE DID IT!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Kezia: OH, I KNOW! I KNOW!

Albert: THEY'LL NEVER COME BACK! NEVER!

Andy: AND YOUR TAXES ARE ALL PAID UP!

OH, HALLELUJAH!

All: HALLELUJAH!

[LOUD GROANING]

[LAUGHTER]

I CAME OUT TO SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS WAS ABOUT,

AND I GOT TO LAUGHING SO HARD, I FELL IN THE LAKE!

[ALL LAUGHING]

YOU WON'T TELL ON US, WILL YOU?

NEVER!

HO HO HO!

NEVER!

NOW, UH...

WHY DON'T YOU CLEAN YOURSELF UP

AND STAY AND HAVE SOME SUPPER?

WE'RE HAVING A LARGE FISH...

AN ENORMOUS FISH.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I DON'T MIND IF I DO!

[ALL LAUGHING]