All language subtitles for Human.Resources.2022.S01E01.Birth.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.Atmos.x264-TEPES

Welcome to Human Resources.

As a new employee at the most prestigious
organization in human relations,

you are about to embark
on an amazing adventure.

Life down on Earth
can be very complicated,

and that's why people need us.

You'll be assigned
your human clients by the tube.

I got Michael Bloomberg? Okay.

You'll have the opportunity
to work with creatures

in many departments.

Your team members will be
Hormone Monsters...

This is so hot.
And she hasn't even used her tools yet.

...Shame Wizards...

Oh, your wife is texting you about
picking up your daughter from school.

Did you want me to respond?

...Lovebugs...

Oh, my God. The love of your life
is proposing to you at the Eiffel Tower.

...Depression Kitties...

Honey, Leonardo DiCaprio called.
He wants his blood diamond back.

...Logic Rocks...

Hey, Jeremy,
there's no reason to stand up yet.

I promise you, you will get off the plane.

And many more.

You are all essential workers
who help make humans human,

seven days a week, 52 weeks a year,
1,000 years a millennium.

This is Human Resources.

Any questions?

Sorry, just want to clarify.
The show's going to be like Big Mouth?

Well, Big Mouth meets The Office

is how we sold it.

Oh, I'd watch that.

Hey, Mr. Dick Pinwheel. If not you, who?

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ So good, so good, so fuckin' real
So good, so good, so fuckin' real ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪

♪ There's nothin' better ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

Hey, Joe, I tell you my wife
is all into energy work now?

- Oh, brother.
- Yeah, exactly.

She says my "heart chakra" is all
clogged up, whatever the fuck that means.

It's like, come on,

"Can't you just let me watch
penis hockey in peace for Christ's sake?"

- That was a game last night.
- Good morning, gentlemen.

Hey, Maury, you heard about that new
VR sex app the humans are into?

Whatever happened to yanking your old dick
to an oil painting of a stacked milkmaid?

Those were the days, my friends.

I'm telling you,
in 20 years, nobody's gonna fuck.

Oh, please. You guys said the same thing
when women discovered vibrators.

Yeah, well, I don't know.
It put an end to fucking in my house.

Hey, Maury. What kind of cake
do you want for your birthday?

What's that? Oh no, it's not my birthday.

It's on the office calendar.
Don't be weird.

Ugh! Why do we always
have to have treats for birthdays

like we're all
a bunch of fucking children?

Sorry for trying to do something nice.

What a bitch I am, getting you cake.

Oh, I fucking hate this job.

Becca, I'm afraid we're going to
have to put you on bed rest

for the last month of your pregnancy.

The fuck you are!

- Excuse me?
- Uh, sweetie...

I start arguing a case on Monday,

and I'll queef this baby out
in the jury box before I'd miss it.

- She'll do it, Doc.
- I need another option.

Well, there are no other options.

We need to make sure
your water doesn't break early.

Oh no! What if the baby doesn't survive?

Or what if it does,

and it's born with a pointy head,
and it can only wear Santa hats?

What a terrible life!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, floor is mine.

Tito's crazy Santa hat fixation aside,
this is a big fucking deal.

I know. That's what I'm saying.

Speaking from the point of view
of ambition,

how's Becca supposed to make partner
while she's stuck on bed rest?

And logically, this makes no sense.

Hypertension doesn't
even run in her family.

Who cares about that shit?

They're never gonna fuck again

once that baby turns her pussy
into Bolognese.

Connie, gonna need you to chill out.

Emmy, yo.
You're getting all this, right?

Uh... Yep. Got it. Gettin' it.

"Pussy Bolognese." We got it.

Don't worry, Connie, they will have sex.

It'll just be less frequent
and not as good.

And the sex with Barry already wasn't
very good or frequent, was it?

"I'm Barry. I always announce
when I'm about to cum."

"I'm cumming, I'm Barry."

I love her Barry even more
than the real Barry. Barry's not cool.

Hey, knock it off. Becca loves Barry.

And she's gonna love this baby too
because I'm doing my goddamn job

and I need
the rest of you to get on board.

- Okay.
- Indeed.

That means no more kickboxing
and no work. Petra, nod if you hear me.

Okay, fine, fine. But her delicate womb
can still review briefs, okay?

She's allowed to move
her fucking eyeballs, right?

Emmy...
I'm going to be real with you.

Your notes are crap,
you spend all your time doing imitations...

- Impressions.
- Taking surveys...

But everyone loves
my "Would you rather" board.

It makes them want to come to work.

Work should make
people want to come to work.

Yeah, but it doesn't.

Let me ask you something, do you even
want to be a professional Lovebug?

I guess? But, honestly,
as long as I can still afford

my nightly pizza-burrito with my friends,
it's all Gucci, Stanley Tucci.

Hey, Emmy, shut the fuck up.
What we do here is important.

It's not some bullshit job

that exists just to pay
for whatever a pizza-burrito is.

Sonya, pizza-burritos are so good.

Oh my God. I don't care. Bro!
Becca's about to have a fucking baby.

Whoa. Sonya, are you okay?

I'm fine. I've just got a lot on my plate,
and you, my assistant,

have zero interest
in taking anything off of it.

Okay, I'm sorry about your plate.

Damn! What's her problem?

I don't know.
I already forgot what she said.

So, how was your date last night
with that Addiction Angel?

Come on, come on, spill the nectar, honey.
I am parched.

Did he take you to a romantic restaurant?

Ooh, did he get vulnerable
with you over candlelight?

Well, not exactly.

We just sort of got straight to the, uh,

boning portion of the evening.

Girl, again?

It's totally fine.

And it's also...
It's actually what I wanted...

...and it's fine.

Mm-mm. No. You're a terrible liar.

Honey, you need someone
who will fill your belly with fancy food

before they fill your shelly
with unprotected sex things.

Oh my God,
how'd you know it was unprotected?

Girl, please. I know who I'm talking to.

What the fuck do you want?

- What's security doing in Sonya's office?
- I have no idea.

- Um, was this in Sonya's calendar?
- How am I supposed to know?

You're her assistant.
That's like literally your job.

Fuck you. You can't fire me.
I got Barack and Michelle together.

She goes to the Obama well
a little too often.

- Okay, let's go.
- Get your scaly hands off me.

I am a senior Lovebug.

- Not anymore.
- Fuck you, Eric.

Oh my God.

And what are you all looking at?

You've never seen someone
get dragged out by security before?

You bastards.
You fire her, you fire all of us!

I'm tot... I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. I love my job
and my nice things. Please don't fire me.

Hey, dick phlegm,
I hear it's your birthday.

How old is that fat fucking face of yours?

- I'm, uh, 40 million.
- "Forty million"?

And you're still working with kids?
That's entry-level shit.

I like the kids. They're enthusiastic.

Yeah, they're "enthusiastic."
That's cute. I'm happy for your sad life.

Meanwhile, you hear I just got promoted
to head of testosterone for the NFL?

- You got the gig?
- Fuck yeah!

Moved on from teens
right into ripped meathead dumb fucks.

Mwah! I love those psychos.

Anyway, I'm headed to Vegas this weekend
to watch a couple of teams

bash each other's brains into oatmeal,

then get fucked out
at the Bunny Ranch sideways.

Happy birthday, you babysitter bitch.

Did you guys know that Gavin was promoted?

Who cares? We all get the same dental.

Sure, but Gavin's really doing something
with his life. You know what I mean?

Nope. I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied
getting children to touch their privates.

You don't ever question
what your greater purpose is?

Why would we do that?

I wish I was a simple shit-for-brains
like you fucking zeros.

Unfortunately, my inner depths
know no bounds.

- All right, have a good one, chief.
- Have fun looking inward.

Some monsters are never happy.
Maybe he's not getting it up.

Whoa. Whoa!

- What the hell?
- Uh, hey, Todd? The elevator's stuck.

Yeah. That's been happening.

Oh, okay, well,
can you come fix it, genius?

Can you say "please"?

Okay, sure, yeah.

No, pretty please, Mr. Janitor
who cleans doodie out of the toilet,

will you come and do your goddamn job?

I'm not a janitor,
I'm an operations manager.

Did he just hang up on us?

If we get stuck here,
I eat you, you understand?

I can't imagine I'd taste good.
'Cause what I'm putting in is not good.

- What are you eating?
- I'm doing a lot of prawns.

I'm doing all prawns.

Come on, baby girl, you really have
no idea why Sonya got fired?

Okay, I get it. I don't take notes,
I don't pay attention,

- I lied about my military service.
- Walter, Walter, do you know anything?

I mean, you two are always
up each other's asses. Like, way up.

I mean, there's a lot of options.
There's the drinking...

I heard she fucked the Grinch
at the Christmas party.

Go, Sonya. I heard the Grinch
is hung like a stocking.

Well, now she's fucked us. Thank you.

Okay? And what the hell's
gonna happen with Becca?

She's already gonna have a pointy-headed
weirdo baby and now she's got no Lovebug?

Ahh!

Hey, guys, it's the tube.

Oh! It's for Emmy.

Ooh! I never get these.

Okay, let's see here.

"Due to Becca Li's imminent birth
and her familiarity with the case,

Emmy Fairfax will step in
as Becca's Lovebug

until a replacement is found"?

- I'm sorry, her?
- Oh, fuck.

Emmy can't even keep a calendar.

What's she gonna do
when she gets placenta all over her?

Placenta? I'm sorry,
I don't... I don't know what that is.

Just one question. How can you advise
a woman on starting a family

when you can't even make it home
on a weeknight sober with both shoes?

Oh, God, I'm always losing shoes.

You are so screwed.

The only thing you know about Becca's case
is an anti-Semitic Barry impression.

It's not anti-Semitic, is it?

Well, it's not pro-Semitic.

- Hey there, Mister Logic Man.
- Stop. What do you want?

I... I think there's been a mistake,
and maybe it would be betta...

...if Becca was reassigned to a more
experienced, uh, Lovebug.

Yeah, it absolutely would be.

Okay, wow, that's mean.

But, uh, yeah,
is there a way to make that happen?

No, there's nothing you can do.
The tube gives the assignments.

- You're stuck with it.
- That's it?

Uh, with all due respect,
I don't believe in you, like, at all,

and I'd like for you to leave.

Guys. Break room for birthday cake.

Shh! He's coming.

Come on, Maury. The meeting
I told you about, which is very real,

is happening here in the break room.

I don't know why we'd be having a meeting
in the break room, but I do believe you.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

No! Shut the fuck up.
I don't want a birthday cake.

But, Maury, it's a cookie cake.
Not a regular cake, it's cookie cake.

I'll explain. It's basically cookies
just mushied into a cake shape.

Tyler, if you say the words cookie
or cake one more time,

I'll mushy you into a dead shape. Ugh!

Shit, Maury, what the hell?

You think that's gonna stop me
from eating cookie cake?

Ooh! Half a bagel.

Holy shit.

- What the hell floor is this?
- Who cares?

- Let's go through the bigger hole.
- That's what he said.

Okay. Okay, yeah,
like the... like the holes we use in sex.

- Like the holes we use in sex.
- Okay. Yeah.

You're quick, man. You're quick.

- Whoa.
- Wow. What is this place?

Welcome to
the Department of Magical Thinking.

Okay, "Karmic Destiny, Religion..."

Sharon would love this place.
She believes all that human mumbo-jumbo.

Yeah, humans are idiots.

Excuse me, love. I'm just gonna go
and take a long, hot piss.

Okay, well, I hope you get it all out.

Could I get a bowl of vodka with,
like, eight limes in it?

- Emmy?
- Sonya? Whoa.

Wait, remember when you got fired
and they gave me your pregnant client?

- What were they thinking?
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

They gave you Becca?

Ooh! That was a hot Cheeto.

Wow. You're very drunk.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and that's because
I'm excited for this opportuni-tay

and not deeply afraid I will fail

and totally ruin
this woman's life forever. Whoo!

Jesus, stop whoo-ing.
Becca needs you. Get yourself together.

Okay, don't say she "needs" me.

You're freaking me out.
Also, she has Barry.

"I'm Barry. I love Becca so much and..."

Stop it. She loves Barry.

- Huh.
- What is it?

Well, the Addiction Angel I'm with
wants me to meet him in the bathroom

so he can do coke off my booty.

- Emmy!
- What?

I'm not doing the coke,
I'm just being the furniture.

That I can do.
I'm capable of being a table.

Emmy, if you go to that bathroom...

...instead of going to Becca,

I will rip your antennae from your skull.

I can't do it, Sonya.

I mean look at who I'm with.

I don't know anything about love.
How am I supposed to help someone else?

Look at me. I get that it's scary,
but sometimes, you gotta suck it up,

do scary shit, and see what happens.

- But what if...
- Dude, you'll never be ready.

All you can do is fucking try.

Okay. I... I'll "fucking try."
I'll go meet Becca or whatever.

Jesus Christ,
you haven't even met her yet?

Go! Get the hell out of here.

- Well, thanks, Sonya, and if Dante asks...
- Trust me, he won't.

I know. I... I do know that.

Hey, we're still getting paid
for today, right?

Yeah. We clocked in, man.

What the hell?

"Bizarre Bazaar."

More like "weird area," right?

Me? I like regular stuff sold indoors.

Come. Pick the crystal
that will transform your life.

Nope. No, thank you.

Hear your fortune.

See the future.

Ask me what time it is right now.
I know the answer.

Well, hello there.

Hello, big boy. You want a reading?

You hear that, Gil? She's gonna do
a "reading."

Yeah, no, I want one.

And what, pray tell, are you, sister?

Okay. Heads up, it'll take me a long time
to get going, but then it'll be over fast.

How in the gorgeous hell
do I have to pee again?

This thing better be fun
when it comes out.

Hi. Sorry, forgot to go before I left.

- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Emmy, your new Lovebug. Yay!

Celebrate me.

I don't want a new Lovebug.
What happened to Sonya?

- Yeah, she got hardcore fired.
- What?

But no one knows why.

I think I know.

It's on account of she fucked the Grinch.

Are you drunk?

Are you pregnant? I'm just kiddin'.
I know you are.

Wow, my first case is a preggo.
Holy shit.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- You've never done this before?
- No. Never.

Have you googled "placenta,"
by the way? Yuck.

Oh, Sonya's abandoned you.

And this new bug
does not seem up to the task.

Why is she only wearing one shoe?

Oh, no. And my sock
is a McDonald's hash brown bag.

Becca, you must be freaking out.

- My new Lovebug is a drunken idiot.
- Hey now, come on.

And you think you can
take care of an infant?

You're right. I can't be a mom.

I have weed pens in my underwear drawer.

Oh, what kind of weed? Sleepy or uppy?

- And what if the baby comes early?
- Is there enough love for everybody?

- What about Barry?
- God, I know. He's so needy.

"I'm Barry. I love you."

You're gonna get to know my impressions.
They're awesome.

How about the dog?
He'll definitely bite the baby's face off!

Your ugly baby is gonna smoke your weed.

Will you shut up?

Oh, shit.

- Eww. What is that?
- Did you just...

Piss on the floor?
Come on, dude, I'm only wearing one shoe.

I... I think my water broke.

- Oh, crap. What the hell does that mean?
- Becca!

You're going into labor!

Robbie, it's highly unlikely
there's a monster under your bed

because monsters are big.

Now, if I were you,
I'd be worried about your closet.

Uh, gotta go. Death is inevitable
so just try not to worry about it.

Just eat a few more Adderall
and finish the goddamn presentation.

Ugh!

Do you want to land
this refried beans account,

or get stuck in regular beans forever
like your loser fuckin' dad?

Oh, yeah, good call mentioning
what a knockout her sister is

in your wedding toast.

Look, listen.

I'll be back later
when your penis doesn't get hard.

Maury. How long you been in here?

Leave me alone.

What's going on with you?
It's your birthday, baby.

It's time for jubilation and butt stuff.

I'm 40 million years old, Connie,
and what do I have to show for it?

I made a kid cum on his dead grandpa?
Fuckin' amateur hour.

But you got two shows on Netflix.

So what? Everyone's got a show on Netflix.

I don't have kids,

I... I don't have a steady partner.
Uh, no offense.

Nope, none taken.
I do not want a steady partner.

Yeah, yeah. Steady partner, that's stupid.

Hey, would a birthday blowjob
make you feel better, Maury?

I mean, it wouldn't make me feel worse.

Oh shit. That blowie's gonna have to wait.
Becca's in labor. I gotta bounce.

I guess I'll just suck my own dick then
like the loser I clearly am.

That's right, the only mouth
that'll suck your dick

is the one attached
to your fat, fucking face.

Happy birthday, shithead.

- Ooh! Stinky.
- A little. May I read your aura?

Yeah, okay, whatever you want, baby.

Blue represents the mind.
Yours is unburdened.

Okay, I'm not gonna
read into that too much.

And green is the heart. Oh, wow.

I'm detecting a real blockage in you.

Hey, what's your problem? I thought
we were gonna fuck. What is this?

I'm sensing you may be
closing yourself off

emotionally, physically...

With your wife, perhaps?

Hey! Just because I'm a Hormone Monster

doesn't mean I'm in the mood
to have sex every week, Sharon!

That's right, open up.

It's because my mom died a year ago

and I'm still mourning her, Sharon.

And I know you couldn't stand her,
but she was still my goddamn mommy.

Of course, that makes sense.

Wow, I feel so... so light.
What did you just do to me?

I unblocked your heart chakra.

Wait a second.
You're one of those chakras?

Like Sharon talks about?

This is a con! This is a chakra con!

Don't! Stop! Hey, get the hell off me!

Get off me! Ahh!

What the fuck happened in there?

Yeah, the Queen of Cups
told me I'm gonna die on July 9.

Eh, it is what it is.

Well, I met a chakra,
and, Joe, I don't know how to put this,

but I might have accidentally
learned something about myself.

- Ugh. You're kidding.
- Yeah, no, I... I'm not kidding.

- So, I guess you believe in chakras now?
- Yeah, but don't tell Sharon, okay?

And don't you go telling Nancy
about me dying on July 9.

I want it to be a surprise.

Becca, baby, what can I do?
Do you want a fan? Uh, some Corn Nuts?

- I want this parasite ripped out of me.
- Let's start with a fan.

"Parasite"? Look out, world,
great mother coming through.

Becca, you're so strong.

You strong woman. How are you doing?

It feels like my butthole's gonna rip
in half. Fan my face, not my pussy.

Oh, sorry about that. Hey, Emmy?

Uh, we could use
some love vibes up here, please.

Oh, I... I'm... I'm okay back here.
I'm getting the gist.

Um, uh, uh, Becca?
Uh, don't forget to change positions.

Pete, will you put away
your goddamn WebMD printouts?

I'm trying to help!

Can't believe you got the epidural.

That's why it's taking twice as long.

Look, that's not necessarily true.

Now you won't be able
to feel anything when you push.

That's how people rip.

What if you tear front to back?
You'll just have one big hole!

What? How's she gonna have sex
with a vagina-butthole combo?

Don't poop.

- Barry will leave you if you poop.
- If only a dump could get rid of that guy.

Becca, take deep breaths
and ignore all these morons.

It'll all be over soon.

I have never loved you more
than I do right now, Becs.

Who cares, Barry?
Have this baby for me or shut the fuck up.

- I know that's not about me.
- It is about you!

Emmy! Get in there. Everyone else
is doing their job, you need to do yours.

Yeah, but I don't know how to do my job.

The last time I tried, Becca's water broke
and it got all over my shoeless foot.

Well, just calm her down.
Tell her the room is filled with love

or whatever feel-good bullshit
you bugs come up with.

The baby's heart rate
has dropped dramatically.

What? What do you mean?

- Okay. Prep her.
- Talk to me, not each other.

Becca, listen to me, okay?
It's time to start pushing.

Now? No. I... I'm only eight centimeters.

Rip!

Oh, shit. I see its head.

- Is it possible your baby's a coconut?
- Emmy!

Oh, God. I looked!

Ow, God damn it.

I'm... I'm sorry.
And I am actually sober now.

Ugh. Pathetic.

Surprise!

Happy birthday, Maury.

You guys.

Oh, oh.

Oh, and there's a slide show.

Oh, yeah.
That's when we discovered jerking off...

And fire. That was a pretty big day.

Oh! The Kama Sutra.
Now that was a graphic novel.

You guys get it.

Oh, Joe Walsh. Boy, we had fun
in Cleveland that night.

Cute.

Oh, Andrew what's-his-name?

How did you get all these photos?

Thank you, boys.

What do you say
we all have a big group whack

in honor of my 40 millionth birthday?

Hey, hey, slow down, boys.

The birthday boy cums first.

Okay, Becca, you're doing great,

but we need to keep pushing.

"We"? Go fuck yourself!

- Gonna have to push harder than that.
- I can't do it anymore.

There is a logical reason
love needs to be here, Emmy.

This woman is doing something very hard.

And without love,
it's gonna be impossible.

Okay, okay, fine.

Come on, Becca.
This is it. You're gonna be a mom.

No, I can't do this!

I don't want to give up long baths
and laying in bed with my iPad.

- Well, okay.
- I'm not ready to be a mom.

- Maybe you'll never be ready.
- How the fuck is that helpful?

Well, some things are like that.

It's gonna be scary and hard,

and... and sometimes
you're gonna lose a shoe.

But you know what,
you put on your hash brown sock

and, damn it, you do it anyway

because you're you,
and you can fucking handle it.

Say more things!

You... You do kickboxing,

and you seem to be awesome at your job,

whatever the fuck that is.

I'm a litigator!

See? That sounds really hard.

And... And you're married to Barry,
which I certainly couldn't do that.

- That seems bad.
- He's gonna be a good dad.

The point is,
you'll never feel ready, Becca,

and, it turns out,
all you can do is fucking try!

Now, come on!

- You did it, Mama!
- Took you long enough.

- We're a family.
- Did I poop?

Oh. Uh...

Nope. No, that's...
Well, I'll tell you what.

I don't know what that is,
but more stuff is still comin' out.

Oof! You're gonna wanna
put some ice on that thing.

- Its head isn't pointy!
- Yeah, it's more egg-shaped.

It's great you barely got any medicine.

You could probably tell people
you did this without drugs.

Emmy, go. Your turn, go.

Ew. That thing looks weird.

- Yeah, it does.
- Ugh.

Damn, it's like somebody put

Mr. Potato Head parts
on, like, a little baseball.

- Emmy!
- What? It's true.

Call that thing cute, you're a liar.

♪ I'm friends with the monster
That's under my bed ♪

♪ Get along with the voices
Inside of my head ♪

♪ You're trying to save me
Stop holdin' your breath ♪

♪ And you think I'm crazy
Yeah, you think I'm crazy ♪

♪ Well, that's not fair ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Well, that's not fair ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Well, that's not fair ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪