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Tiptoed around

I tried to play it cool
My head in...

Okay, girls. It's February 13th.
Get ready for some weepy callers.

Valentine's Day is a trigger
for straight people.

What time is our lunch tomorrow?

Uh, noon. At the fancy margarita place.

Wait, you two still do
your Valentine's Day drunk lunch?

Yeah, duh. We've been doing it
since middle school.

What about Noah and Dr. Andy?

Mm, Noah and I will probably
have a low-key dinner.

I mean, I'm not really
a Valentine's Day girl.

See, I never thought I was,

but now that I'm with Dr. Andy,
I am, like, so into it.

It's, like, maybe just about
being with the right person.

Okay, you have to stop
calling him Dr. Andy.

Yeah, I can't.

It's like someone asking you to start
calling your teacher by their first name.

You can't say the word Andy?

Doc... Andy.

- Mm.
- Okay.

And maybe just stop having sex dreams
about your boyfriend's dad, okay?

- Yeah, sure. I'll try.
- Valid.

Okay, next we have Melanie.

My question is for Joanne.
I heard your boyfriend on the podcast.

Noah's Corner?
That's what he's been calling it.

I know, gross.

Whatever. I just cannot believe

that The Prophet turned out
to be Noah fucking Roklov.

- Ooh!
- I dated him years ago...

I'll bleep the last name.

- Shh!
- It did not end well.

He acted like he was obsessed with me.

When I referred to him as my boyfriend,
he dumped me out of nowhere.

Oh shit. That's a major red flag, no?

He's one of those guys
whose MO is being romantic

so you feel like
you have a special connection

when, really,
I could have been literally anyone.

It's just how he is
with everyone he dates.

Wow, Melanie,
you're getting a lot off your chest.

I mean, Melanie, that is awful, okay?

I am so sorry that happened to you.
Some guys are just such assholes.

So if you could walk us back
to the beginning

and give us a play-by-play--

- She's said enough. Hang up.
- We shouldn't hang up on a listener.

She's not done.

- Stop. Give it...
- What?

- Joanne.
- She's still on the phone!

- Hello?
- Ow!

We're cutting that.

Oh my God! You literally broke my finger.

Ow! And you know what?
Fuck you at the same time.

Literally, I can't move it now.

Oh God.
And you already have carpal tunnel.

Part of me was like,
did this girl actually date Noah,

or was she just stalking him?

- Huh.
- I mean, it was insane.

No, I mean, Melanie and I did date,
but it was a long time ago.

It was pretty casual.

Right. Well, like I thought,
her version was inaccurate.

Yeah. She always thought
we were more serious than I did

just 'cause I got her flowers
on her birthday.

You bought flowers on her birthday?

I buy every woman in my life flowers
on their birthday.

What else did you do
that made her think it was serious?

I visited her mom in the hospital.

I'm a rabbi!

Wha...

Okay, anything else?

I took her to my cousin's wedding,
but it was a small thing.

It was a last-ditch effort to see--

She was your date
to an intimate family wedding?

I ended things right after.

But you can see how she might've been
blindsided by that. Yes?

Yeah, I do. I do now.
But, you know, it was a long time ago.

I was, uh, young and dumb
and made some mistakes.

What about your other girlfriends,
like Rebecca?

From what I understand,
she felt pretty blindsided as well.

Joanne, this is crazy. Come on.
I'm a good boyfriend. You know that.

I know. You're the best boyfriend.

Until you say
you were never their boyfriend at all.

Melanie literally thought everything I did
meant I was her serious boyfriend

when I was just doing the things
that you are supposed to do

when you're dating someone.

I think you need to reach out to Rebecca.

What? Why?

Because this girl made it seem
like you were a walking red flag, Noah,

and I don't like the feeling
that I'm having right now.

And if this is
a relationship pattern of yours, I need...

I don't know.
I think you should sit with Rebecca,

hear her side of the story,
and learn from it

so that you don't one day do to me
what you did to them.

Oh, okay. If it's that important to you,

I will do it.

Thank you.

Will you do it now
so we can get it over with?

I just spent three hours
on the phone with my mother.

- Don't make me do it.
- I'm not gonna feel right until we...

Okay, I'll do it right now.

Thank you.

So, yeah, I mean,
I think we were both aware

that we had some... some major issues,

but we never did a proper post-mortem,

so if there's anything
you wanna get off your chest or ask me,

I wanna give you the space.

Okay, so, yeah...

Was definitely not aware
that we were having major issues.

- Okay.
- You named our unborn children.

Referred to me as your forever family.

We booked
a non-refundable trip to Portugal

two weeks before you broke up with me.

I had zero idea
that you were having any doubts.

Noah, you were always so romantic
and... and lovey-dovey with me.

Listen, you were my girlfriend.

I didn't know
what was gonna happen between us.

I didn't know for sure, so, you know,
I didn't wanna hurt your feelings.

You broke up with me.

You hurt my feelings.

Okay.

I don't know what to say.
I really am sorry.

I tried really hard
to be a good boyfriend to you,

and, honestly, I think I was.

I'm sure you do.

Oh my God.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love.

Oh, baby! Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh God! Is this "Kiss From a Rose"?

The song that you wish
you lost your virginity to. Yes.

And my secret favorite meal.

I mean, come on.

There's more. There's a little secret
at the... bottom of one of these scoops.

Okay.

Where's this secret?

- Oh.
- There it is.

Is this the start to a scavenger hunt?

I mean, I gotta say, I get really
turned off by, like, riddles and puns.

That's the key to my house.

- Uh...
- Morgan, I want you to move in with me.

I can't get enough of you.

Oh. Wha...

I... can't get enough of you either,
but I just...

Have we been together long enough?
Do we even really know each other?

- Yeah.
- Those are valid questions.

Which is why
you don't have to answer today.

I just want you to know
this is where I'm at,

and there's so much more
to this beautiful day,

for this beautiful woman named Morgan.

Oh my God.

Yeah, we're fine, you know?
She made her points, and I heard her.

God, she's so evolved.

I wish all my exes were dead,
or at least in bad marriages, you know?

So did you guys
dissect the relationship or--

It's our first Valentine's Day together.

I don't wanna talk about Rebecca, okay?
Got a lot of surprises for you.

Okay, fine, if you have surprises.

I'm looking forward
to spending the whole day together.

Me too.

I am gonna have lunch with Morgan,
so I thought we would do a dinner thing?

Okay, I did have a lunch plan.

We were gonna take
a pasta-making class at Osteria Mozza.

- Oh!
- You love pasta.

I do love pasta, and I love Mozza.

Um, drunk lunch
is kind of an annual thing.

Um, maybe we could invite Morgan too.

Maybe pasta and wine
can serve as drunk lunch this year.

- I'll check the app, see if there's room.
- Okay.

- You ready to do presents?
- Yes, I wanna go first.

Oh, okay, hit me.

- Ooh!
- It's big.

- What could this be?
- Dig in, boy.

All right. I like to read the card first.

Okay, it's right there.

Okay.

Holy shit.

Come on!

This was my favorite movie growing up.
I always wanted this poster.

My mom would never let me have it.
She said it didn't go with my room.

I know. I texted the Matzah Ballers
for ideas, and it all came together.

Gosh. Mm.

- I love it. Thank you.
- Yeah.

- You ready for yours?
- Oh yeah!

- Did Morgan help you?
- I don't need any help.

Oh, okay.

For you.

Hold on. There's a card.

- Gotta read the card.
- Okay.

- Oh, wow! You wrote me an entire card.
- Yeah.

Gonna read it as soon as I open it.

- Do you like it?
- It's gorgeous.

It's a Jennifer Meyer.
Apparently, it's a whole thing.

It's definitely a thing, yeah.

Okay, try it on.

Uh, okay. Okay.

Aw.

It looks beautiful.

What do you think, Shaq?

Look familiar?

Hold on. I can't move. I'm being painted.

Another Dr. Andy Valentine's Day gift.

Excuse me, could I please have a minute?

Thank you.

Thank you, I appreciate it. Okay.

Look.

It's the same necklace.

The same exact one that Rebecca has.

Oh fuck. Really?

I know every photo of her
that exists on the Internet,

and this necklace with her name on it
is in her LinkedIn profile.

Oh my God, Noah. Rookie move.

Does he get all his girlfriends
the same gift for Valentine's Day?

I mean, at least it's real gold, right?

No, Morgan, you don't get it.

For me, this relationship
is special and unique,

and I thought it was for him too.

He's always saying how different I am
than anyone else he's dated,

but apparently,
I'm just the latest Melanie or Rebecca.

How would I even know,
since he treats us all exactly the same?

Okay. Well, what are you gonna do?

Gonna see how
the rest of the day goes, I guess.

But he's on notice.

Okay. Well, keep me posted.

Hey, can you come back?

Thank you. I'm ready.

Is this a good... angle?

And that would result
in what I would call a good kind of chaos.

Now, you will see in slide four
that statistics show

only children are more likely
to commit violent crimes

than children with siblings.

That is pictured here.

Oh, she actually looks really cute there.

Yeah, she does. She is also serving life
in prison with no possibility of parole.

Now, on a more positive note,

this is what ChatGPT thinks
our next baby could look like.

- Oh! I hate it.
- I hadn't seen it on the big screen.

That's pretty alarming.

- Hello.
- Oh, hey.

- Oh shit. The bubble machine.
- Hi.

- Yeah.
- I forgot.

- Happy Valentine's Day, Queen Esther.
- Noah.

Ah, you mensch.
They're even bigger than last year.

For an unemployed guy,
you got your priorities in order.

Yeah. You guys watching a horror movie?
What is that?

It's supposed to be
what our next baby would look like,

but Esther doesn't let me
take pictures of her,

so I had to use
one of my face mixed with Miriam's.

Wha... You're a sick, sick man.

Yuck.

There are a couple more slides, so why
don't you flip through the next couple?

- We're gonna go get the bubble machine.
- Okay. I... I hate this baby.

Oh, great. You made me hold it?

Giving Joanne the old Noah Roklov
Valentine's Day special, I see?

Yep, never fails.

Hey, uh, hot goss in our house.
You saw Rebecca?

- Esther already got the play-by-play, huh?
- That's bad PR for you, bro.

- Don't let Joanne find out about that.
- Dude, Joanne's the one who made me do it.

Is that the freaky shit you guys are into?

We got into a thing about my exes.
I'm trying to make her feel better.

All right,
you're gonna have to go hard, bro.

Might need another bubble machine.

Okay.

Oh my God. You guys look crazy.

- Hey.
- What?

I surprised Joanne
with a tandem bike ride.

We biked all the way here.

Oh. Okay. Wow.
Like... Like, Muppet style, or...

- It was cute.
- Yeah.

I didn't realize
how many hills the city had.

Yeah. It's a tad more strenuous than
Google Maps would lead you to believe.

Yeah, well, exercise is medicine.

It'll shake up some of that
rootless, out-of-work energy

I get from you, so that's nice.

- Are you... Do you...
- Don't.

- Does it?
- It's sad.

Oh my God.
I just got a whiff of my dead grandma.

Oh! Yeah, um...

So Dr. Andy took me to this lab
where this scientist made a perfume

that smells exactly like Grandma Minnie.

- It was crazy.
- Yikes.

Ciao, ragazzi. Welcome to Osteria Mozza.

We're so happy you chose to book
an Airbnb experience with us today,

and what a day it will be
because we will be making

fresh cavatelli pasta from scratch, which...

Hey. I'm sorry. This is driving me crazy.
I have to do this.

- Oh my God.
- Your hair is like...

I have to fix this. You look insane.

- Okay. We're good.
- Jesus.

...I will help you shape the pasta.

- Mm.
- Oh my God.

That's the part.
That's the money right here.

- What are we doing here?
- What? It's cute. You love pasta.

I know, but when does the drinking start?

Uh, excuse me. Are we gonna be
getting wine with our class today?

Of course.
Allow me to pour your first taste.

- Great.
- There you go.

Oh.

That's...

- Why did...
- Oh, no, you can keep going. Just...

More to come. Enjoy.

Oh.

We can't get a full glass of wine?

- I think it's a tasting. I'm sorry.
- No, don't be sorry.

Yeah, drunk lunch where
you can't get drunk. It's totally perfect.

- Do you wanna go to the bathroom?
- Sure.

- Okay.
- All right, I'll see you.

Noah, I heard that you went on a date
with your ex-girlfriend yesterday.

That's an interesting move, my guy.

Bringing me to a dance studio
on Valentine's Day?

Babe, what is this?
I thought you said tall men can't dance.

Well, it's your dream,
so let's try it, you know?

Hello, I'm Antonio, and today I'm going
to teach you the art of the tango.

I'm listening.

Okay, I have a secret.

Is that why you're smiling?
I thought you guys were on MDMA.

Okay, so Dr. Andy asked me
to move in with him.

- He what?
- I know.

Um...

I mean, I am supportive.
Just... Doesn't that feel a little fast?

Nothing's decided yet.
He said I could take as long as I need.

Right. Right. Um...

Well, only you know what's right for you.

Exactly. Every couple
moves at their own pace, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Wait.
What's that supposed to mean?

Like literally what I just said.

Right, but not every pace
is healthy or normal.

Some might say
there's such a thing as too fast.

Uh, or too slow.

- You don't wanna start this with me.
- What?

A private orchestra
and Grandma Minnie's perfume?

We make fun of stuff like that.

Well, people change in relationships.

You say "babe," and I get amazing gifts

that weren't also given to every girl
who came before me, so...

I know you don't have to pee,
so we should get back out there.

Oh God, do we have to?
Your boyfriend ruined drunk lunch.

I know, I know, but...

You have to admit, it looks fun.

You're really talented.

- There's a little drizzle.
- Yes.

Look at that. That's amazing!

Perfecto! Is that perfect?

Should we grab a bottle of wine?

No, we cannot.

Why not? I have a corkscrew.
It'll be fun. We'll be heroes.

No. We're here with a rabbi.
We have to be cool.

God, Noah is such a narc.

Fine. Fine. Fine!

- Come on. Ow!
- You have it in your hand.

Oh God.

Five, six, seven, eight.

And a one, a two, a three, a four.
Finish, five.

- Excellent.
- Something like that, babe?

- Sasha. Sasha, now you.
- Yeah. Okay.

- So it's just, like, eight.
- And five, six...

Seven. Yes, eight.
And then it's sort of a grapevine.

- He did a... Sorry.
- You're good.

A little bit deadweight,
but he's doing his best.

Let's take five.

- Yeah.
- We're taking a break?

I'm hot anyway. I need a break.

- Okay. Hey.
- It's cute, babe.

Um, this is so fun. Could you just,
like, kind of stand right there?

This is my take-a-break spot?

- What are you doing?
- This is your break spot.

Hey, Antonio.

Hit it.

Rather be tied up with calls
And not strings

Write my own checks...

What are you doing?

...sing, yeah
My wrist, stop watchin'

My neck is flossy

Make big deposits

My gloss is poppin'

You like my hair?

Gee, thanks, just bought it

I see it, I like it, I want it...

It gets better.

I want it, I got it

I want it, I got it
I want it, I got it

I want it, I got it

You like my hair?

Gee, thanks, just bought it

I see it, I like it
I want it, I got it, yeah

Babe!

Oh my God! I love you so much.

Ridiculous.

You know I'm getting targeted ads
for chic moving companies

because of Morgan and Andy?

They're sick.

You wanna take a bath together?

It's 75 degrees out.

Come on.

Baths are fun. Baths are intimate.

Why don't you come lay with me,
and I'll show you my TikTok algorithm?

That's intimate.

But taking a bath is like
sitting on the couch, except it's better.

I just re-blow-dried my hair
to get rid of the helmet head.

Wear a shower cap.

No! That's the one thing I vowed
I would never do in front of a man.

Come on. It's Valentine's Day.

See?

- It's not just an ordinary bath.
- Mm-mm.

- It's an experience.
- Yeah.

- It's good, right?
- Yeah.

- Just a little hot. Are you hot?
- No.

- No, no, no. No, I'm good.
- Okay.

Here, turn this way.

Okay.

Let me just...

- Easy does it, easy does it.
- Okay.

Okay.

Oh. Ow.

- There you are. I got you.
- Yeah.

Just got a little in my eye. It's okay.

Just relax.

You know what? I'm gonna turn the AC on
just for a sec, okay?

- Uh, okay.
- Yeah.

Oh God, you are gonna have to do that
all over again so Miriam can see.

Wait, no. I'm not gonna
do a sexy dance for our daughter.

Oh, that was supposed to be sexy.

- Yes.
- Babe!

- Oh, it's Morgan. I can ignore it.
- Yeah. No. Answer it.

- No. I can let it go to voicemail.
- No, you can absolutely answer it.

- Oh my... Hi, Morgan.
- Hi.

Hi, you have Esther and I
here together on Valentine's Day.

Okay, you don't have to be weird.

But, Morgan, why the fuck
are you calling on Valentine's Day?

Who the fuck cares it's Valentine's Day?

Haven't you been married
for a thousand years?

Yeah, but it feels like one day to me.

Um, can Sasha come talk to me?
I need advice. Esther, you can come too.

Oh my God, thank you so much
for the invite, but hell fucking no.

Why don't you go ahead and
call back tomorrow, or, you know, never?

- Well, I'm literally out front.
- What?

- Morgan.
- Oh, hey.

Fine. He can come outside
and talk to you, like,

through the car window
for two minutes or less.

- Perfect, thank you.
- Yeah, I'm getting a timer.

I think she's serious about
the two minutes. I'll be right out.

- Oh, hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What are we doing?
- What's up?

Oh, um, can I get in?

You're getting in the car?
Yeah, keep the window open.

Do you want me
to, like, do a voice recording?

- I'll play it for you later. Yes? Okay.
- Yes.

I didn't think she was gonna say yes.
I'm not gonna do it.

- I set the timer for two minutes.
- Okay, well, this won't take long.

I know that everyone
is, like, skeptical of me and Dr. Andy,

but for this conversation,
will you just set that aside?

Yeah, okay. Clean slate.

Okay, so, um,

Dr. Andy asked me to move in with him.

- Mm.
- Uh, wow.

Yeah?

Moving in with somebody you just started
dating is the worst idea ever.

I know. I know.

I don't feel ready, but, like,
I don't know, maybe I'm just scared?

Well, being scared isn't, like, a reason
to do something or not do something.

Right? Like, I still regret
not going up on the stage

at a Criss Angel show in Vegas.

That was probably smart, but yeah.

What's up with this guy? You really
fell in love with your therapist?

I really did.

I mean, and he, like, really loves me.

I mean, I wasn't sure
I would ever be loved like this.

I mean, I even thought I might just,

I don't know, be unlovable, period.

I was, like, all ready
to, like, look inward

and, like, figure out what exactly
was so wrong with me,

but then Dr. Andy came along
and now I don't have to,

and it's, like, amazing, you know?

Well, what's holding you back?

He's like... intense, you know?

His love for me is, like, all-consuming,

and I get wrapped up in it
when I'm with him,

but then I leave to take a shower,
and I'm like, "What am I doing?"

You know, this is moving way too quickly.

Well, then slow it down.
You know, there's no rush.

Yeah.

- You're right. Totally.
- Yeah.

Okay. I'm just gonna, like, tell him
that I cannot move in with him, you know?

It's just like too soon, you know?
We're not the Biebers.

Although those guys, like,
they really waited for a long time--

- And two minutes.
- Oh, that's it.

- Okay, thank you.
- Great to see you.

Bye.

All right. Oh, uh, happy Valentine's Day.

- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Thank you.

- God. Bye.
- Bye.

Oh, what do you think of these right here?

Yeah, I love them.

And they're yours.

Sorry, what do you mean? I...

A friend of mine did cross-pollination.
I arranged to have them named after you.

The Morchid.

Oh... ...my God.

Dr. Andy, this is way too much.

- I just have to tell you--
- No, hold on one second.

Just... Just look at me for a second. Okay?

I know there's a tough, cynical woman
inside of you,

and she's shouting no to all of this.

But these flowers are not for that woman.

These are for the Morgan
whose parents didn't bring a single flower

when she starred
in Memoirs of a Geisha, ninth grade.

Oh my God.

I can't believe you remembered that.

Are you kidding me? Of course I do.

Okay. Let's do it.

- Come on.
- Yeah, let's move in.

Come on. Are you serious?

- I'm serious.
- Oh my God.

- We have to take all these home now.
- No, we can leave them.

- Okay, yeah. It's heavy.
- But it's very sweet.

Hey, you okay?

Oh, yeah. It was just getting
a little hot in there.

Mm. Right. Well, when you're ready,
throw some clothes on

'cause I got one more surprise for you.

Yeah?

We're going... on a night hike.

A night hike?

Yeah. No good?

I just kind of want this day to be over.

I...

Really? What?

Noah, I say this with love.

This was the worst Valentine's Day ever.

What?

Did you get me the same necklace
that you got for Rebecca?

Oh, I mean,

not the same exact one.

The same, except mine says Joanne,
and hers says Rebecca.

Oh, well, then, yeah.

- Noah, what the fuck? That's...
- What? It's a beautiful necklace.

I thought it would be perfect
for my girlfriend.

But I'm not your girlfriend.

I'm Joanne, okay?
I don't want you to do the things

you think you're supposed to do
when you're dating.

I want you to do the things you do
when you're going out with me.

- Like...
- Okay.

Remember when you got me the nightstand?
The most romantic thing ever?

I'm not gonna get you
a piece of furniture for Valentine's Day.

Why not? That's what you aren't getting.

The way you are every day, naturally,

that's romantic.

It's when you slip into this, like,
good boyfriend mode that it gets weird.

- It just... just...
- Oh.

It doesn't seem real.

Okay.

You know, Rebecca actually said
something along those lines.

I'm sorry, what?

Yeah, she was... She was kind of angry.

- She felt like I led her on.
- Why didn't you tell me this?

I didn't want you
to see me through her eyes.

I don't want you
to think of me as a bad person.

Oh my God, Noah.

This... This version of you,
telling me the truth,

I like that so much better than the idea
of you being a perfect person.

Because you're not perfect.

And that's a good thing.

There's only room for one perfect person
in this relationship.

- That's me.
- Yeah.

You know... I'm actually glad
you hated this Valentine's Day.

I mean, hate is a really strong word.

No, it's not, but that's good.

Because, listen,
us being honest with each other,

even when it's difficult,

that's something I haven't been able to do
in any of these other relationships.

So to me,

this is my perfect Valentine's Day
because it brought me to this.

- Thank you.
- Mm.

And I can return the necklace.

No, I'm gonna keep it.
It's the concept I didn't like.

- I can return it.
- Don't you dare.

While we're being honest,

I do have one little thing
that bothered me that you did today.

- We're not talking about me--
- You didn't write me a card.

I want a card that says
how much you love and appreciate me.

There are four days a year
where you can get a card like that.

Today was one.

Can't really put
your crumpled-up wrapping paper

in my card drawer, can I? I can't.

You have a card drawer?

You know I have a card drawer,
you little snoop.

Whoops.

I'm sorry I'm asking you this so late.

But, Joanne, what would you like to do
for your final hours of Valentine's Day?

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- You sure you're ready to hear it?
- Yeah, this is your time.

I wanna get in this bed,
turn on Love is Blind,

and watch it

alone, by myself.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

- You sure?
- It's fine.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no!

All right.

It's your day.

Joanne.

All right. I'm here if you need me.

Thank you.

This is crazy.

- This is crazy.
- Mm-hmm.

Did you think we'd be sitting here
five days ago?

No.

I have a good feeling about
these two. They're gonna last.

Same.

How's the ring?

- I'm obsessed with it.
- What is this?

- That was a short episode.
- I turned it off.

Okay.

And

I wrote you a card.

You wrote me a card.

Mm-hmm.

For worse or for better

Oh, baby...

A lot of spelling errors in here, huh?

I love it.

...faded

Slipping right between your teeth

Maybe it's stupid, maybe it's reckless

Send me a message anyway

I fall in love in 30 seconds

Sudden rushes to the brain

And that's okay

I say for sure

I was reminded that this ain't war

And I can fight it, but we shall see

I can't keep loving you more than me

Loving you more than me

I love you forever

Maybe it's stupid, maybe it's reckless

Send me a message anyway

I fall in love in 30 seconds

Sudden rushes to the brain

- I say for sure
- Nobody told you

This ain't war

Love you forever