All language subtitles for Wallace.Peebles.Paranormal.Inspectre.2025.720P.Jff.H264.eng

-[tense music]
-[wolf howling]

This place was built
before America was
even established.

-Before McDonald's even.
-What?

And it's thought that women
were burned in those
living rooms upstairs

as part
of the Salem Witch Trials.

That's nonsense,
absolute nonsense.

Anything on the EMF, Poppy,
which stands for

Ecto... mystic Finder.

No, it doesn't.

Actually, yes there is,
and I think
it's coming from over there

off that dumbwaiter.

Well, let's not be rude,
he might be foreign.

What waiter?

Once we started to get
a little bit of popularity,

I mean, like,
five or so regular followers,
mostly bots--

Erm, can you change
that title, please?

-[man] What do you want?
-Behavioural Psychologist.

Wallace just became,
I don't know,

he started reading these books
that he didn't quite understand

and coming up with these words
and phrases

that were totally
out of context,
complete nonsense.

What is going on there?

And his ego, he became
this distended solipsist.

[man] Yeah, we'll do it later.

[ominous music]

I can sense the malevolence.

This is an angry spirit.

[sniffs]

-And I think he may have farted.
-Jesus.

Do you guys see the size
of this wiener?

[bleep] ...ing hell.

I know, it's huge, right?

Chet had been jealous of me
for quite some time.

When my fans really started
to show interest,

especially chicks.

He just seemed to want to
mess everything up,

but I handled it with class.

You've ruined
another investigation, Chet,
you big knobbly turd.

What? You wanted dinner.

[Wallace] Not now.

I wanted you to film us,
but as usual,

Poppy and I had to
work alone again.

You know, I feel I have to be
honest with you, Chet,

you're a [bleep] dipshit
and I hate you.

Yeah, Wallace, I'm the dipshit.

[groans]

[upbeat music]

Yep, so zero regrets
about my choice of subject.

Who wouldn't want to dedicate
seven years

of their precious academia
to consummate morons?

[upbeat music]

Greetings, believers,
and welcome to your weekly trip
down the paranormal.

I wonder
which is the best meat.

We are coming live
from Erie, Ohio.

I'm ready to take your calls.

So stand by with...

Beef is pretty versatile,

but then lamb is good
for kebabs.

Okay, Wallace, we are not live,
this is a podcast.

-Pork!
-What?

-Vodcast.
-Yeah, right, vodcast.

So we're not live
and we don't have
a phone system.

We're recording your voice now,

and then we're gonna add
the "callers" later

with our audio software.

It's called "editing," remember?

But we are live.

We are alive.

Yes.

Poppy's never really understood
the concept of broadcasting.

I mean, she tries, bless her,

but all those Ivy League degrees
and books

are no substitute
for experience.

I'm a seasoned broadcaster.

[man] Are you?

Yeah, in Europe.

You don't get that channel here.

Wallace has never
really understood
the concept of podcasting.

He seems to think
we're on live TV.

Okay, so let's record
the first part of your script.

Are you ready?

Don't look into the camera.

Action.

Action, Wallace.

Okay, I've cut there,
what's wrong?

I just keep thinking about meat.

Meat?

You know, chicken, beef, pork.

Yeah, I know what meat is.

Why are you thinking about meat

when we're trying
to record this?

Sausage, that's it.

It goes with fries,
it goes with pancakes.

-And that's it.
-Poppy?

I have been with you
for almost two years,

and in that time, you managed
to lose every sponsor

that we ever had,
burn down a factory,

and alienate the one person

that can make
your show watchable.

She said that?

Well, yeah.

You know, the only reason
I agreed to join this team

is so that I could study
the psychology
of paranormal witnesses.

All I've studied
is you and Chet,

seeing who could piss
higher up the damn wall.

I have had it. I am through.

Poppy, don't go.
We've got an upcoming
investigation,

the haunted bakery,
supernatural pastries.

Too little, too late.

Just for the record though,

I did get higher up the wall.

[phone ringing]

Greetings, believer.
You are live on the air.

[Chet]
I'm standing in the middle
of this old warehouse,

and it's super scary,
and I need somebody

to come
and investigate it for me.

Caller, you have come
to the right place.

Oh, yeah, I heard you guys
are the best,

especially that Chet guy.

No, caller,
you are much mistaken,

Unfortunately,
Chet is a massive turd.

Now tell me
about your environment.

Can you see any signs
of the paranormal,

ecto-fog or peculiar sounds?

Oh, yes, very peculiar.

I keep hearing this voice,
this ghostly moaning

that's just always complaining
and bitching about everything.

And where is it coming from?

Oh my God, it seems to be coming
from my phone.

It's Chet, you idiot.

Chet who?

Look, I'm calling to offer you
an olive branch.

Well, I'm all set for pieces
of tree, thank you.

And by the way,
you're still a massive turd
like I told the caller.

That was me.

Of course, it was you,
I don't know
any other massive turds,

I'm not as massive
as you anyway. Okay, bye.

Stop, stop!

Wallace, listen,
I have a bona fide.

You are a boner... fide.

Wallace!

Chet is that you?

Oh my God, thank God, Poppy.

Thank God it's you.

Hey, how are you?

Well, actually, I just quit.

I made a pretty dramatic exit,
but I left my phone behind.

Okay. Stop, everybody
just stop everything.

Just listen to me
for a second, okay?

I have a great opportunity,
this is a sign.

We can't see you, idiot,
there's another sign.

No, Poppy coming back
for her phone. That's the sign.

Would you just listen to me?
I have a great opportunity
for us.

-[upbeat music]
-Chuck, this isn't another
crypto thing, is it?

No, no, no,
I promise this is the real deal.

I'm standing inside of this
big old warehouse

in upstate New York
and it is extremely haunted.

You're not qualified
to say that.

Continue.

The owner wants us
to investigate.

I could point to hundreds,
no, thousands of people

that want me to investigate.

Okay, go ahead.

How is this
an actual opportunity
for us, Chet?

They're going to pay us.

Actual money?

Yes, actual US dollars.

It's not about the money.

I mean, sure, we've got expenses
like anybody else, but...

It's totally about the money.
We're absolutely 100% broke.

We're gonna need
every piece of equipment
that we have

and maybe some
new stuff as well.

I want to record everything.

We can make a real show.

[line beeping]

Hello? Hello?

Ugh. I must have accidentally
hung up on them.
They would never hang up on me.

Here are the rules.

You provide the jewels to me,
you get $5 million

and I don't have you killed.

Okay. That seems fair.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

You disappoint me in any way.

Fail to deliver the jewels to me

give away any information
about me or our objectives

or do any single thing
to implicate me

or even that causes my day
to be less than perfect.

Yes?

I'll fucking kill you.

Oh, I wasn't expecting that.

Um, is there any wiggle room?

Slowly.

Can we negotiate?

Oh, oh, you meant,
you meant the killing of me.

That would be slowly.

And don't go
into room 66 either.

Now, I've made some
angel food cake.

It's by the fridge.
Share with your friends.

You don't want to get
a tummy ache.

What?

We've hit the big time.

Full sponsorship,
proper investigation.

There'll be
seriously haunted footage.

Good.

What do you want me to do then?

Well, I was just thinking that,

they...

[coughing]

Fucking hell!

Hi, Morris, it's Poppy.

Hello, Poppy love.

Why the dickens is a beautiful,
intelligent honey like you,

still knocking around
with that blithering idiot?

Here, Wallace, put these on.
You can hear Morris better.

There's a socket
inside the glove compartment.

I know, I know.

But I am two years
into my study.

And if I stop now,
I will lose everything.

I will be the laughing stock
of the Ivy League
And unemployable.

I'm sorry, Poppy love.

I'm sorry my nephew
is such a fucking idiot.

Pardon my French.

Oh, he can't help it.

Well, he's just, you know...

I know
he's a fucking clueless twat!
Pardon my French

Anyway, some of what
he told you is true.

But perhaps
this is an opportunity
to make a real show.

Hold on, Poppy love.
Every time I've tried to
help him before,

it's backfired
Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, Seamus O'Toole.

Sorry?

I've lost my thread.

Is there anything
that you can do

as far as sponsorship goes?

Maybe a little spot
on one of your TV channels.

It doesn't even have to be
from a country
we've even heard of.

He say he's full sponsorship,
put it on the Internet

I can't find
where the thing goes.

It's in the glove compartment
underneath everything.

Chet said full sponsorship.

That mung bean couldn't find
his arse with both hands.

Morris, I am so far
and this has to work.

Chet is really good on camera
and Wallace is--

Still an idiot, yes.
Listen, Poppy love,

there is something
I can think of.

Oh, bless you, Morris.

Leave it with me, but you have
to play a straight bat.

You're responsible
for the whole project working,
right?

Absolutely, yes.

Remember, I'm only doing this

because I think the sun shines
out of your arse.

Not really appropriate
to finish that, but okay.

If I were five years younger,
I'd be giving
you a ruddy good...

Wallace, say goodbye
to Uncle Morris.

I haven't finished.

...job.

I was going to say job.

He wasn't gonna say job.
He's just from a different time.

[dramatic music]

Well, they found their way
to the warehouse
in about a couple of days.

Morris called me
out of the blue and--

[man] I'm sorry, you need to
introduce yourself.

Oh, Snow. My name is Snow.

-I'm--
-Is that your first
or second name?

Both.

Is that it?

Nearly yes, but it's just Snow.

What shall we put
for your job, then?

Oh,
how about Wallace Peebles fan?

-What?
-I love Wallace.

I've followed his whole career.

His village hall tour,
his blog, his podcast.

His tea towels
of the Paranormal Christmas
gift set.

I must be his biggest fan.

[dramatic music]

[Morris]
Go and hold that ladder
for Snow, Wallace,

you flaccid prick,
pardon my French.

And don't look up her skirt,
you ruddy pervert.

It's okay, Wallace.

What, don't look up your skirt?

No, I mean, don't worry.

-Well--
-[Morris]
Snow is your producer.

She's in charge of everything
that goes on.

Hold it, Morris,
we're an established team.

And you told me that
I was in charge.

Oh, I mean, just for the show.

Of course,
you're your own team, Poppy,

except for Wallace,
who's a fucking liability,

Pardon my French.

Wow, how about
some solidarity, Chet?

It is Snow's responsibility
to capture everything that's
needed to make the show.

So please coordinate
your investigation with her.

-Fine.
-You should know that Snow's
funding this herself,

so think on.

[dramatic music]

[Chet] Hey, Snow.

Hey, what you got there?

Oh, yeah, this is pretty tricky,
let me show you.

You just kinda take this,

and you gotta kinda
bend this back here.

That one's faulty.

Hey, listen,
I'm usually the camera guy
on all these things.

Oh, okay.

So I thought maybe I could be
the head of the camera team?

Oh, is there a team coming?

Well, no,
that's me asking, really.

Me?

Oh, I don't really know.

Listen, Snow, have
you ever actually
shot a television show before?

[dramatic music]

Nothing.
I don't know anything about it.

I didn't know I was the producer
until Morris said it earlier.

I don't even know
what a producer does.

No one does.

Uh, but, hey,
we don't have to tell
anybody that yet.

Okay. Look, I just wanted
to meet Wallace,

and you all seem like
such a great team on the show.

I just wanted to be
a part of it.

I'd email Morris' company
every week

so I can try and get involved,
but...

Hey, and here we are.

Are you paying, Morris?

A lot?

Everything I have.
And I borrowed
a bit off Grandma.

Say, Snow, has anybody told you
about the scanning machine yet?

No, what's that?

Well, it's just
the machine we use

to scan the walls
and the floors.

Oh.

Yeah, it's really useful for
seeing through walls and floors.

But what about
your X-ray machine?

Sometimes we have to make props
to appease Wallace.

Poppy and I have
gotten really good

at using whatever happens
to be laying around.

There are restless spirits
down here.

Probably victims of the Vietnam
Nazi killing machine

from Mars.

Nope, no killing machine
from Mars, Vietnam, or the US.

Yeah, I forgot.
You've been everywhere.

Ah, Chet!
X-ray that wall with haste!

We may have finally found
Tutankhamun's resting place!

Oh, dear God.

[sighs] Sorry, Wallace,
that's a negative.

Well, are you sure?
Measure it again.

[Chet making noises]
Ah, dang it!

X-rays never lie.

Ah, buttons.

Well, he has gotten better
since then.

With the history, I mean,
we've still got a few shoe boxes
laying around.

Yeah, well, that's broken.

Oh.

I'm gonna start off over there,
make my way around.

All this stuff, what is
all this crap anyway?

Antiques, I'm not sure.

-Just throw it all out.
-No, it's probably
really valuable to somebody.

Besides, it adds
some "ambiance."

Thinking of hurting myself.

"Ambiance"?

Anyway, how are
you and Chet doing?

Fine.

What do you think about Snow?

Well, it's January
in New York...

The "producer"?

Oh, I didn't mean to
look up her skirt.
I didn't see her tuppence.

I just don't think
it's right for someone

to think they can buy
their way into anything.

What, like a movie theatre?

No.
If you want to be part of this,

then it should be based
on merit and tenacity,

not on whether or not
you have money.

It removes the integrity
and leaves things
open for corruption.

Yeah, no, right.

Money has evil roots,

or roots for evil money.

Who's our sponsor
for this, by the way?

-Uncle Morris said
he had somebody.
-It's KFC,

so don't forget to mention them
when you begin.

[dramatic music]

What, so the world's biggest
fried chicken magnate

loves my show,
whatever, no biggie.

[farts]

The spirits,
they are telling me.

Watch Wallace Peebles
Paranormal Inspectre
on the Hokum Channel,

and get yourself
some KFC to munch on

as you witness
the spewing truth.

[dramatic music]

[in a heavy voice]
KFC is the only chicken

tasty enough to exorcise us.

Cut there.

Oh, I thought that was great.

Yeah, it's not that KFC.

[upbeat music]

[man] Action, Wallace.

Ugh. Wallace Peebles
Paranormal Inspectre

is brought to you by
Ken's Fancy Cheese of Gelfin,

where they have
"not just murican."

All right?

Well, I like fancy cheese, so...

Fu--

[dramatic music]

Have you shot anything yet?

Only the promo, but we've been
setting up cameras all day,

and we're gonna
run them overnight
to see if we can catch anything.

You will do.

I really hope so.

No, listen to what I said.

You will do.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I don't understand.

Let's say
you're here for a week.
Nothing happens, then what?

-Oh, well, I guess--
-That's blown your money

I can't offer the sponsors
any action.

Then the network
won't take the show

if it's just Captain Dipshit
wandering around
grabbing his forehead.

Captain?

-Oh, you mean Wallace.
-Wallace.

So, unless something happens,

all we have is
a bloody expensive home video.

Do you see, love?

So something had better happen.

[dramatic music]

[exhales sharply]

[dramatic music]

Oh my God!

Wallace, what are you doing?

I'm getting out of here.

This place is bloody haunted.

Whoa there, son!

What on earth
are you talking about?

This is exactly what you
were looking for.

-Didn't you see?
-We all saw it.

We need to make sense of it now.
We need to investigate it.

-Can't she do it?
-She is gonna disappear
along with her money

if you don't start acting
like a real
paranormal inspector.

Come on.

[Chet] Oh my God.

Ugh, you gotta see this.

[pissing]

-[farts]
-Ha, ha, ha, that was my joke

and you fell for it, Snow.

Ha-ha, you've been hazed.

[laughs]
He sleep walks all the time.

I'm surprised we didn't get
a Wallace "sleep shit"
on camera.

That furniture though.

And the noises.

You're a sleep shit!

I know that wasn't Wallace.

Not the, the pee-pee stuff.
That was him.

I mean the chair and the table.

Oh, that was Snow.

Not my first rodeo, kids.

Oh.

Progress?

Oh, hi.

I asked you a question.

Uh, well, I haven't really
had time to...

I need this done.

I need everything taken care of
by the end of the week.

My buyers lose interest
very quickly.

It's a risky business.

Aaaaaaah!

Ow, fuck.

Do we understand one another?

Chet, are you okay?

I thought I heard you talking.

Yeah, I was just singing.

Okay, don't give up
your day job.

My day job, my day job,
yes good.

[crying]

Why did you?

Because I'm a bad motherfucker.

Now, I've made some
peanut butter cookies,

share with your friends,
and check for allergies,

and if you mention me,
I'll fucking kill you.

And stay out of room 66.

[ominous music]

Hi, Wallace.

Are you hungry?
I could fix you something.

-No, I barely ever eat.
-Okay, well,
I hope you won't hate me

if I pass on messages
from Morris.

He asked me to.

You better get Chet to do it.

I will definitely shout,
and I might pull your hair.

Okay, well, he told me you
would say that,

and if you did, he wanted me
to put bees in your pockets.

Of course, I never would.
I mean, where would you find
bees in January?

Beehive.

Okay, there is one urgent thing.

Apparently, someone is filing

a verbal assault charge
against you.

Did you tell an old lady
to shove her peanuts

up her dirty asshole
in a children's play park?

Oh my God, it was a petting zoo.

She was feeding squirrels.

I asked her if I could have one.
The miserable bag said no.

So... I hadn't eaten for hours.

Well, an hour then.
My blood sugar was zero.

Okay, well, apparently,
she had acute angina,
and her grandchildren were upset

because she didn't have
any pants on... probably.

Oh, I suppose everybody else
just wears

woolly trousers
in mid-July heat.

Oh, America.

And how am I supposed to know
how cute her "vangina" is?

I don't even care.

I'll tell Morris you'll keep
your pants on.

[sighs] I don't know
what the world's coming to.

I really don't.

I know.

-Sometimes, I think
I'm the only one who...
-[farts]

Wallace...

I've watched every piece
you've ever done,
even the ones on MySpace.

Wallace, you and I
have a lot in common.

Okay, I hope you don't mind.

But...

I lost my parents
when I was young as well.

And my sister hates me
like your uncle Morris
hates you.

An odious minge.

That's what she called me
the last time I saw her.

It does sound like Morris.
[farts]

You know, it was
in the doctor's office

when I was getting treated
for depression.

I'm all good now, though.

Thanks to you.

Me?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, even though
I never met you,

you were
like a best friend to me.

I was on all your adventures
with you.

I waited for weeks
until I can see

another one of your shows again.

Sometimes,
I was your only viewer.

And I never wrote anything
in the comments section.
I was too shy.

Well, I never read those anyway.

I know.

Those people are horrid.

So cruel.

Hey, when you said
that you first got

into paranormal investigating

because you wanted
to make contact
with your parents,

I just thought that was
the sweetest thing.

-[farts]
-Anyhow, thank you, Wallace.

Thank you
for being my inspiration
and my best friend.

Very welcome.

And just know that you can count
on me, no matter what.

When you're in the public eye,
famous... whatever,

You get the odd weirdo
who thinks

they can just hook
onto your success.

I mean, the guy in my position
has got to ask himself,

is a chick interested in me
or my international fame

-and success?
-[man] Do you?

Yeah.

But Snow's the real deal.
She's actually paying
to be my friend.

Now you can't ask
for a more dedicated

and stable person than that.

[man] Did you ever make contact
with your parents?

Ah, probably moved.

Okay, Wallace, we need to be
ready after sunset
to head down to the basement.

We're gonna start there
and work our way up
one floor per night.

-Will you be there?
-Of course, I'll be there,
everybody will.

By the way, where's Chet?
He keeps disappearing.

Oh, I saw him tapping
on the walls and floor,
looking for voids, I imagine.

Oh, and I looked up
those scanning machines
that he asked about.

They are very expensive.

What scanning machines?

To see through walls and floors.

Listen, Snow,
we conduct our business
on perseverance and grit.

We don't rely on flashy machines
and showmanship
like all the other charlatans.

This is Wallace's team.

So if there are any enquiries
to be made,

they need to go
through me, okay?

Okay then, sorry.

Yeah, Snow, if that's
even your real name.

No, Wallace, I think that is
her real name.

I was just letting her know
that I am the boss.

Of my show.

[Poppy] If you wanna buy
something, Chet,

there's a procedure
and you have to go through me.

I haven't even gotten
a figure in for Morris yet,

but I can guarantee
it's not gonna be enough

for us to go buying
expensive equipment.

No, I asked Snow
if she would buy it.

You can't do that.

Damn it, Chet, she's not your
grandmother at a candy shop.

Anything she spends has to be
reconciled by the show.

And if the show doesn't do well,
then we are the ones
paying it back.

Besides, what happened
to the owners
that are paying us something?

I don't think they'll actually
give us anything
until we're done.

So the show has to do well,
because if it doesn't,
we are over.

We are dead in the water.

We have to make this great
and we have to do it
for as little as possible.

Okay, well,
what if we had an angle?

Paranormal investigation
is an angle, that's what we do.

I know, but what if,

and I'm just off the top
of my head here,

if we were searching
for maybe some,

I don't know, some jewels?

Yeah, like the long lost
Irish crown jewels,

and they're hidden somewhere
in this warehouse.

It's haunted
with ghosts and everything.

That is absolutely ridiculous,
Chet.

It sounds like a freaking
kids show.

I know, right?
It could be awesome.

It would help sell the show,
I know,

but do I wanna be part of that?

I know it looks like a bunch
of idiots chasing after ghosts,

but actually,
it's just a few idiots

and an academic studying them.

For me, this is a forum
so I can do my work.

I mean, where does it end?

Morris would want me doing it
in a bikini, I'm sure.

-Oh, oh, yeah, yes, yes, yes,
I could accommodate that.
-[heartbeats]

Yeah, maybe you could like,
sex it up a bit,
give it a little pizzazz.

Nope, we don't need to do that.

[Poppy]
So it could be kind
of a motivation

for all of us being here.

There's some sort of treasure
hidden inside the building.

Guarded by spirits,
what we're gonna need to do

is cleanse the space
and retrieve the treasure.

What kind of treasure?

Well, it could be anything,
we decide that.

Could be jewels, you know,
probably jewels.

Hidden in the walls
and the floors.

Well, how do we know it's there?

Well, we could
write something in,

I mean, whether it's based
on a legend

that we're picking up on.

So there might be some jewels.

Well, I mean, we should
definitely look for them.

-You know, for real though.
-Yeah, we need to
stay authentic.

Are you all high?
Are there jewels or not?

No, Wallace, in real life
there are no jewels.

Poppy is just saying
that for the show.

We could just pretend
that they are

so more people
would watch the show

and we will get more success.

We can make more shows
with more money.

No? Okay.

It's a bit like Christmas, okay?

It's actually
a religious holiday
for Christians,

but most people think
of Santa Claus
and shopping for presents

so that everyone
in the capitalist society

can really benefit
from people's beliefs.

People love magic.

There isn't really a downside.

Except for the people
that feel like

their beliefs
have been exploited.

But that's an acceptable loss.

You see, capitalism
doesn't care about them.

So it succeeds in
evolutionary terms.

The vast majority benefit
while a tiny minority
grumble a little.

Wallace, all we are doing
is giving the audience
a Santa Claus.

And we still have
the true meaning of Christmas.

An acceptable loss.

Snow isn't an idiot.

So do I get presents?

-No, I've already sold it.
-So this wouldn't give you
any more markets to try?

No, we're on the Hokum Channel.
Deal done.

Okay, what if we,
what if there's actual jewels,
huh?

-You ever think of that?
-What if I sacked you
and got a real cameraman?

Okay, Morris, I know
this is an inconvenience
for you.

We get it.
But for us, this has to work.

We have to give ourselves
the best chance.

And isn't it true that searching
for treasure

in a haunted location
is a much better hook
than just some phony ghost show?

Hey!

I suppose.
But I've done the deal.

So how about we shoot
the show as normal,

but take the extra footage
and recreate the narrative?

Like an alternative edit.

A Wallace cut.

Shut your face, Dick Splash.

This special could come out
later in the year,

two shows for the price of one.

Would you need more crew?

Well, we have the mini cameras.

We could run those all the time.

Aaah, go on then.

-Thank you, Morris.
-Maybe we could
bump Wallace off

in an industrial accident
at the end.

Well, no, we're gonna need him
for more shows.

Well, just maim him then.
Burn his hand or something.

Burn his hand off.
Burn his hand off, then he can
have a hook hand.

That'll look brill
in the artwork and such,
won't it?

-Oh, Morris?
-[line beeping]

Breaking up. Oh, see.

Later.

I expect you'd probably think
I'm a bit harsh on Wallace.

But the truth is, I have to be.

With him being such a cunt.

[muffled voices]

[dramatic music]

Greetings, believers.

New York, 1907.
An Irish freighter ship docks
in the docks.

A stowaway onboard
disembarks off board
with an Irish hoard.

An Irish hoard!

[dramatic music]

Behind me is the place
where the stowaway
would go away.

A huge bonded warehouse
that was soon to become
the hiding place for...

the Irish crown jewels.

Now, although that story
was a load of "crap"

that I "made up,"
we have it on great authority

that this location
is in fact not only

the final resting place
for the Irish crown jewels,

but also the tricky bastard
that stole them.

I mean he's dead.

And his ghost
haunts this building
and guards the jewels.

There is absolutely no evidence
to suggest

that the jewels did not
arrive here in the manner

that to which
I have just suggested
and indeed said.

So join me now as my team
and I delve into the unknown.

Chet is our camera
and technical wiz.

Poppy is our sceptic,
hot science chick.

This is Snow.

You know when he's on it,
he's on it.

So we're starting
at the lowest level

and we're gonna go through
each one methodically

throughout the entire building

to check for
paranormal activity.

And we're starting
in the most likely place

because it's thought the witches
may have been hanged here

as part of the 19th century
Salem Witch Trials.

No, again Wallace,
that was Salem

in the 17th century.

Mmm.

[sniffs]

I'm getting a very
sulphurous smell.

Um, kind of like... [sniffs]
...pungent.

Maybe somebody's got
a little bit excited

and made a rude smell
with their bottom.

Okay, so we're gonna make
our way over to the old--

Hey, you guys want some noodles?

Wallace I think
there's a spicy shrimp left.

Poppy he's done it again.

He's done it again,
Poppy, he's ruined another shot.

He's ruined another one
of my investigations.

[indistinct chatter]

Guys.

You need to see this.

I've had enough of
Wallace's flip outs.

[grunting]

[Snow] Wallace.

So, Snow did this
weird calming technique

that seemed to soothe Wallace
so that we could
get back to the show.

I'm a psychiatric nurse.
Thanks for asking.

-This isn't a joke, right?
-No, it's a warning.

-You didn't touch it, did you?
-God, no.

Let me do some tests on that
and see if we can
get any answers.

Tests, what tests?

-Wow, forensics, I love it.
-[laughs]

Forensics?
What are you talking about?

Oh, man, I didn't know
we were rolling.

Well, we'll have to
do it again now, aren't we?

-Sorry.
-Does anybody know
what gets fake blood out?

-Oh, no, it's real.
-Christ, it might have
fucking rabies!

[dramatic music]

[snoring]

[laughing]

Hey, shut up, Wallace.

[snoring]

Who's there?

Wallace?

[Mouse speaking]

He's very good at it.

What?

What?

What do you want with my soul?

Is this, is this Ethel?

Is she Satan?

What if I say no?

I'll just go. Let me just go.
I'll leave. I'll leave tonight.

[crying]

-Come on.
-[Poppy]
Is there anything up there?

Uh, no, I haven't
found anything yet,

but I was, I had to, uh,

-shit!
-[Poppy] Thanks for the intel.

You should probably
keep that to yourself.

Good morning, team.
Look who I found dropping off
a lovely selection of hats.

This is Marjorie, everybody,
and she's the owner.

Hello, everybody.
I just wanted to make sure
you were warm enough.

Hi, Chet.

Hi

Now, I hope you don't mind,

but I made some
chocolate chip cookies.

I used real flour and butter,

so if anybody's vegan or needs
to avoid gluten,

well, I can make some new ones,
you know, without the, um...

[Poppy] Oh, thanks, Marjorie,
that's really kind,

we're just looking at some of
last night's footage.
Do you wanna have a look?

Oh, if you don't mind.
Although I don't know,

if this old heart can take
too much excitement.

Actually, it doesn't
really look like
we captured a whole lot.

We are having a seance tonight,
so if you wanna come out later.

-Ooh, fancy.
-Yeah, Wallace is going to
attempt to make contact

with the spirits,
aren't you, Wallace?

-Big time.
-[Poppy]
He's got nerves of steel,

spending the night
in this haunted warehouse
all alone

with just the ghosts
for company.

-Um...
-We'll be outside
in a truck monitoring,

so if you'd want to come by.

Oh, thank you so much
for asking,

but I can't let down the ladies
at Gin Rummy.

Besides, I've had my fill
of ghosts from this place.

Oh, of course.
Well, don't worry, Marjorie,
because you hired the right team

-to get the spooks out of here.
-And find the treasure.

Oh, Chet texted me
about your new angle
for the show.

-I mean, I think it's super.
-Oh, okay.

-We probably should have
asked you first.
-Oh, don't you worry now.

This place is full
of so much history,
so many secrets.

I wouldn't be surprised
if there were

a treasure hidden
here some place.

But do not go into room 66.

It's dangerous in there.

There's exposed electrics
and the floor is missing.

Just don't go in there.

Nay, nay, and thrice, nay.

We're gonna be right outside,
Wallace.

I don't give a shiny shite.
I'm not doing it.

And we're gonna be
in radio contact
the entire time.

Why are you so worried?

What about that bat?

Somebody or something
had to stab that bat.

And you can bet
my gibbous nut sack
like I'll be next

because they always go
for the celebrity first.

I don't have any answers
about the bat,

but we have to film
the seance tonight.

We cannot do
a
Wallace Peebles Show
without one.

Well, why do you have
to be outside? Why can't you be
up here with me?

Jesus, Wallace,
you're the one always going on

about interference and wanting
to work alone.

Why are you getting
cold feet now?

Stabbed bat.

And also that CCTV stuff,
the furniture falling over.

All that, what about that?

-Yeah, and I have
something as well.
-Shut up, Chet.

I've indulged you
long enough, Wallace.

Are you a legitimate
investigator

or just some fame-hungry,
hackneyed charlatan?

Paranormal Inspectre,
spelled T-R-E.

-It's my thing.
-Oh, I can think of
a dozen inspectors

who would love to stay the night
in this haunted house
and film a seance.

Why aren't you on that list?

I've seen you do
far scarier things than this,
Wallace.

Remember the old colonial house
with the angry mistress?

Yeah, we made that up.

No, we didn't, Wallace.

Just some of them.

All right, all right, look,
everybody just chill.

We're all losing our minds here.

So, sometimes
we may have embellished

the truth a little bit.

But it was purely for
entertainment purposes.

It was no different than
what we're doing now

with the whole
hidden treasure idea.

Or like tying fishing line
to furniture

and pulling it over.

[Chet] Mm-hmm, yeah.

But the thing is, we are
paranormal investigators,

ghost hunters.

We seek the truth
and it is out there.

And we've often found things

that we simply cannot explain.

Wait, the furniture?
That was you?

You got me, oh, awesome work.

The vampire as well?

And that cartoon mouse,
how did you do that?

That was amazing.

Morris said I should do it.

He said that if I didn't make
something happen,

that the show would fail,
I would lose my money,

and the show wouldn't
get finished.

I thought that Wallace
would be ruined.

He said that to you?

How much money have
you paid Morris, Snow?

Altogether,
including what I borrowed
from Grandma.

342...

Thousand?

No, dollars.

He held 250 for production fees,

so we have a $92 budget left.

So we have enough for lunch.

Wallace, can you hear me, over?

Wallace, are you nodding?

We can't see you, over.

I am nodding, over?

Wait, you can't see me?

No, but we can hear you though.

-[farts]
-[Poppy]
And just so you're aware,

we're gonna be able to view
this footage later.

Mm-hmm, of course.

Okay, great,
are you ready, over?

For what?

Are you ready to
start the seance?

I am not, over.

[Poppy]
Wallace, we believe in you.

We were just discussing
that despite everything,

and no matter how
desperate we are,

we can rely on you
to bring it home

when it matters the most.

Remember, Wallace, you were
always my inspiration.

I'm always on your side,
no matter what.

Over.

Can you smell eggs?

Oh, hey, big guy.

You ready to go play
with some ghosties and ghoulies,
over?

Chester, I was born to play
with ghoulies.

Over.

[upbeat music]

Are there any spirits present?

I respect your territory
and your power,

but I wish to
communicate with you.

Come on, don't be shy.

Well, if you can't be
bothered then why should...

-[screaming]
-Fuck me.

What was that, Wallace?
What can you see?

[Wallace]
A scream.

A really, really loud scream.

Can you see anything?

I can't move.

I don't wanna move,
I don't like it.

Hey, Wallace, do you think that
you could say over

after you're done speaking?

It's just good radio etiquette.

Shut up, Chet.

Wallace?

[radio static]

Wallace?

Something's here.

Something's here,
something's coming.

Wallace?

Something's attacking me,
something--

What does it look like?

Is it a greyish blue monster
with really sharp teeth

like a vampire, a scary kind?

No, not the teenage girls think
I'm misunderstood kind.

What is it with you
and the vampire?

I was trying to tell you that.

[radio static]

Something's here.

Oh, God, no, over.

Wallace, are you okay?
Wallace, we have no visual over.

There's something here, over

Wallace, turn one of
the cameras around.

What?

We only have two cameras

and they're both
pointing at Wallace.

You gotta be kidding me, Chet.

This is an actual real haunting
taking place

and you don't have
a camera on it?

No, I just figured
if something would happen,

he would turn them around
himself.

We need two angles
of him for the edit.

He's the talent, Chet.
You can't expect him to think.

Why only two cameras?

Someone forgot to charge
the batteries last night.

-Me.
-If you ruin this, Chet,
I will never forgive you.

Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.
I had a really terrifying
experience last night.

[Poppy] This is not the time
to play victim, Chet.

Fix this.

Wallace, pick up
one of the cameras
off of the table

and turn it around, over.
Wallace!

Wallace! Shit! Over

I'm going in.

No, wait, we just have to
let this play out.

He could be in danger.
He's not answering.

Okay, let's go.

Well, I have to run the cameras
and the sound.

Damn it, Chet,
put your shoes on.

Damn it, Wallace.

[soft piano music]

So do you remember anything,
Wallace?

I saw something.
Something diabolical.

And it came from me, over.

Did it say anything?
Anything that you
could make out?

Just something like...

Wallace... we respect
who you are, dude.

But we're gonna bite
your face off and shit

if you don't pass out
from our supernatural powers.

And spill a little bit of pop
on your trousers
by the groin area.

Over.

Oh, who doesn't let
a few drops go

when they're alarmed?
I know I do.

And then you fainted.

Passed out.

I'm getting hot.
Is anybody else hot? Over.

You don't have to
keep saying "over," we're not
talking on the radio anymore.

Let me take your hat off.

Wallace, you're
an absolute hero.

Unfortunately, Chet really
let us down

with the cameras
because we only have footage of
you.

We don't have any footage
of this entity.

So we should probably
all line up and take turns
punching him then?

-in the balls?
-Oh, my gosh,
I said I was sorry, okay?

[sighs] I just... I figured
he was gonna...

Look, we still have sound!

What are you laughing at,
you wanker?

Yeah, what's so funny, Chet?

[laughing]

Sorry, I... I must...
I must still be in shock.

Wallace, can I get you anything?

Uh, perhaps some hot chocolate?

It's hardly
a time for sweet treats, Chet.

I've just had
a near-death experience, jeez.

You must keep up your strength,
though.

[sighs] Guys, stop fussing.
I'm a paranormal inspectre.

This is my jam, dogs.

Go on then, I'll just have
an extra-large one.

Extra-large, you got it.

With whipped cream,
plenty of whipped cream.

Yeah, I don't think
we have any...

And marshmallows.

Whipped cream, marshmallows,
and that's it.

And sprinkles. Whipped cream,
marshmallows, and sprinkles.
That's all.

Okay, fine.

Looks like I'm finding another
all-night store. Again.

And a Butterfinger.

[Chet speaking indistinctly]
Yeah!

-King size.
-[Chet] Yeah! Yeah!

Stupid. [groans]

See how easy it is to get
to your friends, Chet?

I don't see a whole lot
of searching going on.

The clock is ticking.

Why don't you tell your friends
there really is treasure here?

Get them to work
around the clock.

Of course,
I'll have to kill them later,
but you won't mind.

You'll have
five million dollars.

Everybody has their price, Chet.

Where are you going
this time of night?

-I got to go.
-Oh!

You're on a bitch run!

What? Your friends got
the munchies so they sent
Chet bitch out for snacks?

You fucking pussy!

Well, you better zip up.
It's freezing out.

[spits]
Got some schmutz on your face.

Ah, no! Ah!

-You can't go out like that.
-Alright, okay, alright!

Ugh!

Mouse.

Mouse, you there?

Mouse.

Come on out.

I got some yummy chocolates
for you, Mouse.

You can come out.
It could just be you and me.

We could just talk.
You don't need the other guy.

Oh, crap!
You don't have to be here!

Mouse, where are you?

[Mouse speaking]

Wait, wait, wait.
I've got a better idea.

What if I get you three souls?
Mmm?

So, you get three souls,

I get the jewels
and I get to keep mine.

One of them is a PhD student.

One of them
has fleeced thousands

into believing
in the paranormal.

No, he did it for his own
egotistical and financial gain.

That makes him a sinning fraud.

Eye? Doesn't he have two.

I don't want that.

So, the darker the soul,
the higher the value?

Can I have that in writing?

I don't think so.

Okay, hold on.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid
it's a bit, uh...

So we're agreed.

Come on, you gotta be
around here somewhere.

Chester!

Ah! What?

What can I do for you, buddy?

Buddy, what are you,
some kind of American?

Yeah?

I see.

Do you need something?

Since my near-death experience,

I've decided to live every day
as if it were my last.

So I've come up here
to punch you in the face!

Okay.

Can I ask why?

Touche, Chet

Touche.

A worthy adversary indeed.

I gave Wallace
a little something
to help him sleep.

It might have sent him
around the bend.

He'd been asleep
for about an hour

when I heard him
rummaging under the bed.

I thought he was maybe going
to need the bathroom,

but he pulled out a hobby horse.

I've never seen
anything like it.

I told Poppy and she was like,
"Look it up, it's a thing."

Seriously, you should
look it up, though. My God.

Nobody seems to know
how he got so skilled at it.

Unfortunately, he wet himself
at the end of the routine,
and then laid down in it.

Again.

I've taken him back to bed.
I think I should probably lock
his door for a few hours.

Maybe a few days.

-What you got there, Chet?
-[yells]

Nothing. Uh...

I was just, uh,

thinking about putting
a camera in the...

floor.

What the hell for?

Uh, you know...

different angles...

dynamic.

So Wallace is acting weird.

Really?

Well, stranger than usual.

Yeah.

It seems that Snow smashed
his brain to bits with Ketamine.

It came
as a surprise to me, too.

It wasn't Ketamine.
It was Valerian Root.

I'm sure it was.

I'm fairly sure
it was Valerian Root.

Is he gonna be okay?

Yeah, he'll be fine. We've
locked him in his room for now.

Alright, I'm gonna...

get back to it. Floor cameras.

Chet.

[screams] What? Fuck!

Sorry.

I just wondered if...

Oh, it doesn't matter.

What is it Snow?
What do you want?

I just wondered if...

you have had lunch.

No. Is that all?

Well, I'm pretty
busy here, so...

Okay, then. Bye!

Yes, something's going on.
That's why it's weird.

Oh! No way!

Oh. Oh, man.

It's the Irish Crown Jewels.

To be sure.

And you can tell, because some
of them are green.

Time to hand them over.

I found them. I found the jewels
and I'm in time, right?

Oh, I think you're
all out of time.

But you said...

I said I was a bad motherfucker.

Do you not understand
what that means?

Well, I just...

I thought I'd also be
a bad motherfucker.

I hate those things.

Oh my God! Mouse!

No, it's an octopus.

I don't think you have
what it takes to be
a bad motherfucker.

I'm gonna kill you
and your friends

and then I'm gonna
sell these jewels.

With a knife? You're gonna kill
all four of us with a knife?

You're like a senior citizen.
Don't you have a gun?

Oh, try getting a permit
in New York, my God!

But you're a criminal.

Shut up! Or I'll...

I mean... I'm gonna...

What's the matter, Marjorie?
Bat got your tongue?

Oh, wait, hold on.
You gotta see the bit

from earlier first
or none of this
is gonna make any sense.

It's been such a long night.
Maybe we should all
just turn in.

Wallace, would you like me
to sleep in your room tonight?

I feel like someone
should keep an eye on you.

Yeah, probably a good idea
after my near-death experience.

Hope I don't get possessed
or something, geez!

Okay, I'll get my air bed.

Don't look at my willy, though.

Hey, Pop?

Mm-hmm?

Listen, I know
I really messed up, okay?

But I've been
trying to tell you all day,
I had a haunting last night.

These two... things?
They came into my room
and they said they want my soul.

-What soul?
-Come on, Poppy,
I'm being serious!

-This really happened!
-Why would they want your soul?
There's three others here.

Okay, well...
that's the other thing.

Don't get mad.

Too late.

-Okay, you know
the... owner lady?
-Marjorie.

Yeah,
but her name's not Marjorie,
it's Ethel.

And the jewels... they're real.

She's the one that sent me
searching for them
in the first place.

See, she's not really
the landlord of this place.
The owners? They disappeared.

And yeah, that's why
I brought us up here.

That's how I came up
with the whole jewel idea
to begin with.

And I know what
you're gonna say, okay?
I'm a terrible person, but...

I was gonna share
all of this with you guys.

Probably.

Okay, I wasn't!
But if I don't find these jewels

in less than a week,
she's gonna kill me!

Because I know too much,
and her buyers
are gonna disappear.

And the whole haunting thing?

Well, that happened
because I was searching
for these jewels.

See, these things?
They like... protect them.

And I think they're trying to
leave or something?
I don't know.

They just said if I give them
my soul when I die,
I get to keep the jewels.

Pop, what do I do?

Okay, first things first.

[groans]

Even in your made-up stories,
Chet, you're a shit-heel.

It's not made up!
I'm telling the truth!
Look what happened to Wallace!

Which we couldn't see.

God damn it, I know!
Okay, I'm sorry!

But this is real!

I know I've done some really
screwed up things in the past.

And I hung out
with all the wrong crowds,
and...

I've fallen
into something stupid again.

But you don't understand.

Wallace and I were on the outs.
I didn't know what to do.

I didn't have any place to go.
We were family.

Okay. But don't breathe a word
of this to Wallace, okay?

Sure.

Have you looked in your Room 66?

Yeah, so, Pop and I
head over to Room 66,

and she's like, "Chet, we're
not supposed to go in here!"

And I'm like, "Pfft, Pop, chill,
whatever, brah!"

And she's like...

No! What if those things
are in there?

-What things?
-The ghouls that are after me.
One of them's

this big scary vampire
with glowing eyes
and messed up teeth.

What about the other one?

He's like a mouse.
He's kinda ratty looking.

A vampire and a mouse?

Well, when you say it like that.

It's locked anyway.

So it turns out skeleton keys
are a real thing.

Who knew?

Marjorie is watching.

It's Ethel!
There is no Marjorie!

-She killed Mouse! We have to
get the hell out of here!
-We can't just leave her!

She killed Mouse! We have to go!
The devil's gonna get us!

I can make an anonymous call
to the police later.

Oh, yeah! I'll grab the jewels!

-Chat, those are fake,
you moron!
-Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Ah, damn, so no jewels
and no show!

Look, if we turn on
all the cameras,
something big might happen.

We can come back later
and pick up the footage.

Surely there's enough
to finish the show if we just
have a spectacular finale.

Did someone say...
"Spooktacular Finale"?

-Over?
-[Poppy] Is he still baked?

Get the shot, Chet.

Oh.

Go on, Wallace.
Give us your magic.

Spirits...

We recognise your power,
and we respect your habitat.

That shrew in the cupboard,
killed a living thing,

We ask you to show yourself
in the name of...

all that is evil.

[Ethel screaming]

Shush, harlot!
Did she ruin my shot?

I said, "Shut your fat gob!"

That wasn't there before was it?

Holy fucking shit, Wallace!

Close the door,
we got to get out of here!

[Ethel screaming]

[chuckles] Uh, hey,
we're all square, right?

I brought you a soul
darker than mine, and I don't
even have the jewels, so...

We're all set?

Okay, bye!

I'm sorry about Mouse.
That wasn't even me.
That was her too.

Mouse?

Nope. Don't want to see that.

[tense music]

The jewels! Begorrah!

[Mouse speaking]

Did we just do a deal
with the devil?

I just spoke to Morris
and he asked

if you could get all the footage
from room 66.

Oh, and if we could burn
the place to the ground
with Wallace still in it.

Snow you should probably keep
that to yourself.

Sorry.

So there was enough
for us to make a show.

With all the footage
from room 66.

I mean, good entertainment is
good entertainment even without
big Hollywood names, right?

It was pretty funny that Ethel
was the one who gave us a show.

It's called irony, Chet.

Of course, we're sending
the crown jewels

back to their rightful home
in Ireland.

But first,
they're going to spend
a little bit of time

in a museum at my university.

Maybe a year or two.

On a completely unrelated note,

I'm up for professorship.
I have tenure now.

So I don't have to spend
any more time with these idiots.

[soft music]

Well, guys, I guess this is it.

Morris has got me
a job in the big apple, so...

A big apple, I said.

It's the mascot costume
at Fanny's Fruit Pies.

Oh.

Really? It's like that, huh?

I'm so grateful to
have met you, Wallace.

I wish we could go
on more adventures together.

What will you do?

Well, I'll go where I'm needed.

Oh, thank you, Poppy.

Hey!

I was just saying,

I'll probably walk the Earth,
go where I'm needed.

See you all on the flip side.

[dramatic music]

[farts]

[Snow] Should we go and help?

No, he has to learn
to pick himself up.

Alone.

Ah. Maybe next time.

[dramatic music]

[Chet] What's that smell?

Oh, come on. Wallace,

the one pile of dog crap
in the whole park.

[upbeat music]