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1
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,697
Is the sweetheart you married...
2
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,965
the husband
you expected him to be?
3
00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:34,966
Has the war created...
4
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,168
new problems for you
in your marriage?
5
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,737
To answer these
and other personal problems...
6
00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:41,639
John J. Anthony...
7
00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,540
founder of the famed
Marital Relations Institute...
8
00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:46,242
in a brand-new program
of daily sessions...
9
00:00:46,244 --> 00:00:47,876
of kindly
and helpful advice.
10
00:00:47,878 --> 00:00:51,145
Mr. Anthony, are you ready
for your first case?
11
00:00:51,147 --> 00:00:52,346
Quite ready, George.
12
00:00:52,348 --> 00:00:54,748
The first case
is that of Miss C.A.
13
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:58,418
All right. Let's go.
Your problem, please? Come in.
14
00:00:58,420 --> 00:01:02,421
Broadcasting's original
program of mediation...
15
00:01:02,423 --> 00:01:05,056
"The Court Of Human Relations."
16
00:01:05,058 --> 00:01:08,858
I wonder if we're not
losing sight of the fact...
17
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,193
that the basic reality
of life...
18
00:01:11,195 --> 00:01:14,529
is not machinery
or politics or industry...
19
00:01:14,531 --> 00:01:20,768
or even rockets to the moon,
but human relationships.
20
00:01:25,374 --> 00:01:27,540
Tonight, one of the letters
I'll discuss...
21
00:01:27,542 --> 00:01:29,375
is this one
from a man who writes...
22
00:01:29,377 --> 00:01:31,343
"My second wife
is starting to resent me...
23
00:01:31,345 --> 00:01:33,845
"for all the things
I did with my first wife.
24
00:01:33,847 --> 00:01:36,581
"How can I convince her
that I love her...
25
00:01:36,583 --> 00:01:40,017
"and want us to have
many happy years together?"
26
00:01:40,019 --> 00:01:42,019
Please stay tuned.
27
00:01:42,021 --> 00:01:44,788
Possibly you see these
as feminine qualities.
28
00:01:44,790 --> 00:01:46,856
Now, we all have
feminine qualities.
29
00:01:46,858 --> 00:01:49,792
We're a part
of male and female.
30
00:01:49,794 --> 00:01:52,361
Every man has a tiny vagina...
31
00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:54,696
and every woman
has a tiny penis--
32
00:01:54,698 --> 00:01:56,764
very, very tiny,
but it's there.
33
00:01:56,766 --> 00:01:58,432
We are part of a total whole...
34
00:01:58,434 --> 00:02:01,134
and if we accept this whole
within ourselves...
35
00:02:01,136 --> 00:02:03,870
then we can become
an entire person...
36
00:02:03,872 --> 00:02:06,772
and accept ourselves
and love ourselves...
37
00:02:06,774 --> 00:02:12,443
and become lovable so others
can love us as well.
38
00:02:14,213 --> 00:02:17,380
Yes, that's right.
39
00:02:33,597 --> 00:02:37,998
-Burns, someone escaped.
-Oh, good.
40
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,434
Goddamn it! How did Lopez
get out on that ledge?
41
00:02:41,436 --> 00:02:43,803
He stole Watkins' key
and opened the window.
42
00:02:43,805 --> 00:02:46,739
Wait a minute.
How did Lopez get that key?
43
00:02:46,741 --> 00:02:48,340
Was Watkins stoned again?
44
00:02:48,342 --> 00:02:49,941
-Yes, sir.
-All right.
45
00:02:49,943 --> 00:02:52,677
Let's go bring in Lopez,
and you call Chuck...
46
00:02:52,679 --> 00:02:55,780
and tell him,
"Turn off this goddamn alarm!"
47
00:02:55,782 --> 00:02:57,515
It's driving me nuts!
48
00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:59,250
Hey, where are you going?
49
00:02:59,252 --> 00:03:03,320
I can't concentrate
with alarm bells going off.
50
00:03:03,322 --> 00:03:05,655
I got a friend
out on that ledge...
51
00:03:05,657 --> 00:03:06,822
gonna be thrown into solitary.
52
00:03:06,824 --> 00:03:09,324
That's it. No more messing
around with the inmates.
53
00:03:09,326 --> 00:03:12,160
I'm sticking to the doctors
and the guards.
54
00:03:12,162 --> 00:03:15,029
It won't be as much fun.
55
00:03:20,836 --> 00:03:24,671
I want you to come in here
this instant.
56
00:03:24,673 --> 00:03:28,174
All right. Let's talk.
I'm here for you.
57
00:03:28,176 --> 00:03:29,508
I'm--I'm here to listen.
58
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:31,943
-Up yours, man.
-All right.
59
00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:34,845
What I hear you saying
is "Up mine, man."
60
00:03:34,847 --> 00:03:38,215
Up yours. Up yours. Up yours.
61
00:03:38,217 --> 00:03:42,318
OK. What I hear you saying
is a lot of up mines...
62
00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:43,485
and that's really good--
listen--
63
00:03:43,487 --> 00:03:47,188
because you're starting
to work out some of your anger.
64
00:03:47,190 --> 00:03:50,324
Go ahead, give it to me.
I can take it. I'm your man.
65
00:03:50,326 --> 00:03:52,743
You're full of shit.
66
00:03:52,744 --> 00:03:55,161
-What I hear you saying--
-Hey, I hear me saying it, too!
67
00:03:55,163 --> 00:03:57,596
Now back the fuck off!
68
00:03:59,399 --> 00:04:01,565
I hear you.
69
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:04,000
Goddamn it,
I thought I told you...
70
00:04:04,002 --> 00:04:06,135
to beef up
his dose of thorazine.
71
00:04:06,137 --> 00:04:08,337
-I think we did.
-Yeah.
72
00:04:08,339 --> 00:04:13,241
I'm your doctor!
Now get the hell off this ledge!
73
00:04:13,476 --> 00:04:15,576
-Burns?
-Burns!
74
00:04:15,578 --> 00:04:16,743
Dr. Baird! What the heck...
75
00:04:16,745 --> 00:04:19,312
are you two guys
doing out here tonight?
76
00:04:19,314 --> 00:04:21,314
Get out of here.
77
00:04:21,315 --> 00:04:23,315
I get it. You're having
a private therapy session.
78
00:04:23,318 --> 00:04:27,820
-Burns, get back now!
-I want to talk to Burns.
79
00:04:27,822 --> 00:04:29,888
I don't give a shit
what you want!
80
00:04:29,890 --> 00:04:32,190
That's very sensitive of you.
81
00:04:32,192 --> 00:04:38,296
Lawrence? May I speak with you
privately, inside?
82
00:04:42,101 --> 00:04:43,100
I can handle this.
83
00:04:43,102 --> 00:04:45,001
What makes you think
you're qualified?
84
00:04:45,003 --> 00:04:45,935
This time, he's jumping.
85
00:04:45,937 --> 00:04:48,054
Next time,
he may be pushing others.
86
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,172
-He's a menace to society.
-Only if he falls on somebody.
87
00:04:50,174 --> 00:04:54,375
Remember, I'm the doctor.
You're just an inmate.
88
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:59,346
Yes, Doctor. Now would you
please close the window?
89
00:05:13,795 --> 00:05:16,428
So, what's the thinking here?
90
00:05:16,430 --> 00:05:20,365
I'm thinking I can fly.
And if not, who gives a shit?
91
00:05:20,367 --> 00:05:24,935
And what about our dreams, man?
The dream of you and me...
92
00:05:24,937 --> 00:05:26,436
playing for the Cubs
in the World Series?
93
00:05:26,438 --> 00:05:30,039
You're pitching. I'm catching.
Bases are jammed in the ninth.
94
00:05:30,041 --> 00:05:31,540
I call for the spitter.
95
00:05:31,542 --> 00:05:33,241
You hork up
an ungodly goober...
96
00:05:33,243 --> 00:05:35,476
fire it up, the bottom
drops out of the pitch.
97
00:05:35,478 --> 00:05:36,643
Mattingly strikes out!
98
00:05:36,645 --> 00:05:39,779
And when the dust clears, man,
it's you and me...
99
00:05:39,781 --> 00:05:43,115
sitting around
at Hef's in the grotto...
100
00:05:43,117 --> 00:05:46,151
with a bunch of ladies
named Miss February.
101
00:05:46,153 --> 00:05:49,554
-No way, man.
-And why not?
102
00:05:49,556 --> 00:05:50,621
'Cause even in a dream...
103
00:05:50,623 --> 00:05:52,823
the Cubs can't win
a World Series.
104
00:05:52,825 --> 00:05:57,961
-To hell with it. I'm jumping.
-Wait! Wait!
105
00:05:57,963 --> 00:06:00,229
Now, here's an aspect
of your death...
106
00:06:00,231 --> 00:06:02,264
that you may have overlooked.
107
00:06:02,266 --> 00:06:04,266
You hate Dr. Baird, don't you?
108
00:06:04,268 --> 00:06:06,301
I hate the miserable bastard.
109
00:06:06,303 --> 00:06:08,303
Just think how awful
you could make him feel...
110
00:06:08,305 --> 00:06:10,471
if I can talk you
off this ledge...
111
00:06:10,473 --> 00:06:13,240
and succeed where he failed.
112
00:06:24,953 --> 00:06:28,187
-Get in here.
-Wait a minute.
113
00:06:28,189 --> 00:06:29,788
Now, all those people
down there...
114
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,790
have come here
expecting someone to jump.
115
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:35,193
And if nobody does,
they are going to leave here...
116
00:06:35,195 --> 00:06:36,460
with an empty, unsatisfied...
117
00:06:36,462 --> 00:06:38,195
what-is-the-point-of-my-job
kind of feeling.
118
00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:40,964
-Do you know what I mean?
-No, and I don't care.
119
00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:44,434
Well, that's the difference
between you and me.
120
00:06:44,436 --> 00:06:48,137
I do care. And now...
121
00:06:48,139 --> 00:06:55,811
diving for the Cicero County
Correctional Mental Facility...
122
00:06:55,813 --> 00:06:59,214
John William Burns, Jr.
123
00:06:59,216 --> 00:07:07,088
Geronimo! Heads up!
124
00:07:22,705 --> 00:07:24,538
George?
125
00:07:28,643 --> 00:07:31,861
What?
126
00:07:31,862 --> 00:07:35,080
It's a beautiful day outside.
Don't you want to get up today?
127
00:07:36,349 --> 00:07:40,016
But you've been in bed
for two weeks.
128
00:07:40,018 --> 00:07:42,568
So?
129
00:07:42,569 --> 00:07:45,119
Well, you're a psychiatrist.
Don't you think that's odd?
130
00:07:45,722 --> 00:07:47,922
I brought you some lunch.
131
00:07:47,924 --> 00:07:52,993
George, I really think this is
one of your worst depressions.
132
00:07:54,096 --> 00:07:56,396
Am I alone
in this marriage, Vera?
133
00:07:56,398 --> 00:07:58,231
How many times
do I have to tell you?
134
00:07:58,233 --> 00:08:02,434
I'm not depressed.
I just need space.
135
00:08:03,236 --> 00:08:06,203
What about your radio show
and your patients?
136
00:08:06,205 --> 00:08:09,339
Patients? With their
petty penis problems...
137
00:08:09,341 --> 00:08:12,742
and their empty
vaginal concerns?
138
00:08:12,744 --> 00:08:15,845
Those vampires
are sucking the life out of me!
139
00:08:15,847 --> 00:08:18,881
All right, I'm going to do
a little shopping.
140
00:08:18,883 --> 00:08:21,015
Can I get you anything?
141
00:08:23,052 --> 00:08:24,384
I love you.
142
00:08:24,386 --> 00:08:27,353
I can't deal with that, either.
143
00:08:34,128 --> 00:08:39,331
All right, George.
Time to say good-bye.
144
00:08:50,043 --> 00:08:52,910
Tell me something. When did
you two angels of mercy...
145
00:08:52,912 --> 00:08:54,411
first feel the burning need...
146
00:08:54,413 --> 00:08:55,779
to assist
the mentally handicapped?
147
00:08:55,781 --> 00:08:57,647
When we found out
we could hit them...
148
00:08:57,649 --> 00:08:58,881
without getting caught.
149
00:08:58,883 --> 00:09:01,950
Hi, Robin. How are you?
150
00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:07,821
-He's all yours.
-I've heard that before.
151
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,662
So, kid, you missed my dive.
152
00:09:17,664 --> 00:09:20,064
It was a classic.
But you'll be able...
153
00:09:20,066 --> 00:09:23,033
to see it
on the eleven o'clock news.
154
00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:28,671
Please, let me take you
away from all of this.
155
00:09:28,673 --> 00:09:30,339
I think my boss is planning...
156
00:09:30,341 --> 00:09:34,175
to take you away
from all of this.
157
00:09:34,777 --> 00:09:36,977
Dr. Lawrence Baird's office.
158
00:09:36,979 --> 00:09:39,112
I'm sorry,
Dr. Baird's no longer...
159
00:09:39,114 --> 00:09:41,147
connected with this institution
in any way...
160
00:09:41,149 --> 00:09:43,115
shape, fashion, or form.
161
00:09:43,117 --> 00:09:47,452
He can be reached
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
162
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,187
As a patient.
163
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:52,490
What am I supposed to say
when they call back?
164
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:54,276
Tell them the truth.
165
00:09:54,277 --> 00:09:56,061
He's a hopeless case.
He's never getting out.
166
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,862
You embarrassed me.
167
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:01,865
You embarrassed
the hospital, the staff...
168
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:04,968
and the entire state
health care system...
169
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:06,903
all for a cheap laugh.
170
00:10:06,905 --> 00:10:09,655
It was not cheap.
171
00:10:09,656 --> 00:10:12,406
It won't happen again, 'cause
you know what I got here?
172
00:10:12,409 --> 00:10:13,892
Your record.
173
00:10:13,893 --> 00:10:15,376
Great. Put on side two.
Let's rock.
174
00:10:15,378 --> 00:10:18,245
Now, that was cheap, sir,
by way of illustrating--
175
00:10:18,247 --> 00:10:19,212
Shut up.
176
00:10:19,214 --> 00:10:23,249
Thrown out of Cornell.
Dumped by the Army.
177
00:10:23,251 --> 00:10:27,653
Sentenced to four years
in Joliet for computer fraud.
178
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:29,154
I'm a pathetic
human being, sir...
179
00:10:29,156 --> 00:10:32,290
a pathological misfit
with delusions of grandeur.
180
00:10:32,292 --> 00:10:34,325
I think Jung said it best,
or perhaps it was from...
181
00:10:34,327 --> 00:10:35,893
"The Anatomy of
Human Destructiveness--"
182
00:10:35,895 --> 00:10:38,896
A little learning
is a dangerous thing.
183
00:10:38,898 --> 00:10:41,231
Do I at least get points
for self-knowledge?
184
00:10:41,233 --> 00:10:44,000
What you get, Mr. Smart Ass...
185
00:10:44,002 --> 00:10:47,336
is your transfer
back to prison.
186
00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:53,508
Doesn't take too much
to shut you up, does it?
187
00:10:53,510 --> 00:10:55,843
You're here because
you were able to convince...
188
00:10:55,845 --> 00:10:59,346
a bleeding-heart warden
that you were crazy.
189
00:10:59,348 --> 00:11:02,949
I know you're not crazy.
190
00:11:02,951 --> 00:11:07,185
You're just another asshole
looking for a way out.
191
00:11:07,187 --> 00:11:11,622
Now, this order
is undated and unsigned...
192
00:11:11,624 --> 00:11:15,192
and it stays that way
if you behave.
193
00:11:15,194 --> 00:11:18,828
If not,
your ass is back in prison.
194
00:11:18,830 --> 00:11:19,829
Need I say more?
195
00:11:19,831 --> 00:11:22,932
Actually, I think
we can contain this problem.
196
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,367
You're not broadcasting
for a couple of days.
197
00:11:25,369 --> 00:11:28,169
I'll just get the P.R. guys
to start deflecting the flack.
198
00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:29,837
I did not have
a nervous breakdown...
199
00:11:29,839 --> 00:11:31,305
and I did not try
to kill myself.
200
00:11:31,307 --> 00:11:33,473
I'm simply a man who,
under a lot of stress...
201
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:35,742
took a few too many valium.
202
00:11:35,743 --> 00:11:38,010
-It was twenty-seven.
-Were you actually counting?
203
00:11:38,012 --> 00:11:41,179
I'm a big fan of yours,
Dr. Maitlin.
204
00:11:41,181 --> 00:11:43,181
My name is Klevin...
205
00:11:43,182 --> 00:11:45,182
and I really think
your radio show is special.
206
00:11:45,185 --> 00:11:47,085
Thank you.
207
00:11:47,086 --> 00:11:48,986
-You saved my life one time.
-Really? I did?
208
00:11:48,988 --> 00:11:50,520
I was living in one of those...
209
00:11:50,522 --> 00:11:52,321
depressing apartments
in North Hollywood.
210
00:11:52,323 --> 00:11:54,823
It was one of those hot
July eighth kind of--
211
00:11:54,825 --> 00:11:55,790
You know what, Klevin?
212
00:11:55,792 --> 00:11:57,525
I really can't cope
with this right now.
213
00:11:57,527 --> 00:11:59,360
I'm under
a tremendous amount of stress.
214
00:11:59,362 --> 00:12:01,562
Get me out of here.
215
00:12:05,333 --> 00:12:06,498
Dr. Rosenberg...
216
00:12:06,500 --> 00:12:08,667
I've got to get out of L.A.
217
00:12:08,668 --> 00:12:10,835
I'm being constantly recognized.
I'm not getting any rest.
218
00:12:10,837 --> 00:12:13,037
You're in no shape
to go anywhere.
219
00:12:13,039 --> 00:12:14,571
Actually, George has a point.
220
00:12:14,573 --> 00:12:16,739
People find out
he's at a you-know-what...
221
00:12:16,741 --> 00:12:18,407
and tried to commit
you-know-what...
222
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,041
it would be very bad
for business.
223
00:12:20,043 --> 00:12:21,960
Harvey, book me to London.
224
00:12:21,961 --> 00:12:23,878
Tell everybody that I'm off
on a six-month sabbatical...
225
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,312
to do research on my next book.
226
00:12:25,314 --> 00:12:28,515
Do you think you're in any
kind of shape to write a book?
227
00:12:28,517 --> 00:12:32,785
There's no book.
It's just a business lie.
228
00:12:33,521 --> 00:12:35,304
What?
229
00:12:35,305 --> 00:12:37,088
Was there something wrong
with the service?
230
00:12:37,091 --> 00:12:40,325
-Did I offend you in some way?
-What do you want?
231
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,660
The gratuity was a bit scarce.
232
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:46,330
I see. You want more money?
233
00:12:47,199 --> 00:12:50,500
Leeches! This is what you get
for saving somebody's life!
234
00:12:50,502 --> 00:12:54,070
They want more, more--more time,
more money, more love!
235
00:12:54,072 --> 00:12:55,872
We'll pay for it.
236
00:12:55,873 --> 00:12:57,673
Is everyone all right
except the waiter?
237
00:12:57,675 --> 00:13:01,509
Maybe it would be a good idea
to get George out of town.
238
00:13:01,511 --> 00:13:05,179
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
239
00:13:05,181 --> 00:13:07,247
I need to find a replacement--
240
00:13:07,249 --> 00:13:09,716
someone from
a mediocre medical school.
241
00:13:09,718 --> 00:13:12,051
Someone who can
take over my practice...
242
00:13:12,053 --> 00:13:14,086
without really curing anyone.
243
00:13:14,088 --> 00:13:16,855
Someone who can continue
my radio show...
244
00:13:16,857 --> 00:13:19,724
without helping anyone
and making me look bad.
245
00:13:19,726 --> 00:13:20,858
In other words, a bum.
246
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:24,627
Right, but make sure
it's an out-of-state bum.
247
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:26,112
Why?
248
00:13:26,113 --> 00:13:27,596
Why? Because every therapist
in this town...
249
00:13:27,598 --> 00:13:30,865
is insanely jealous of me.
250
00:13:32,602 --> 00:13:35,069
Find me some convention
in London...
251
00:13:35,071 --> 00:13:38,038
so I can write it off.
252
00:13:38,473 --> 00:13:42,541
I just want to go to sleep.
253
00:13:49,983 --> 00:13:53,250
-Fastball.
-Good.
254
00:13:53,252 --> 00:13:54,284
Peace.
255
00:13:54,286 --> 00:13:56,319
If you're gonna play
in the Major Leagues...
256
00:13:56,321 --> 00:13:58,254
you've got to learn
what the signals are.
257
00:13:58,256 --> 00:14:01,890
This is important, OK?
Now...
258
00:14:01,892 --> 00:14:03,424
-Spitball.
-Good.
259
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:04,909
Happy hour.
260
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,393
Look, you're interrupting
the game, all right?
261
00:14:06,395 --> 00:14:08,628
Now get off the field.
262
00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:09,996
Open your mouth.
263
00:14:09,998 --> 00:14:12,131
You know how I enjoy
opening it for you.
264
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:13,765
Well, I'm going to hydrotherapy.
265
00:14:13,767 --> 00:14:18,636
Watkins, I'm so sorry!
I accidentally did that.
266
00:14:18,638 --> 00:14:23,974
But now I'm dancing on them.
I'm right out of control!
267
00:14:23,976 --> 00:14:25,175
Help me.
268
00:14:25,177 --> 00:14:28,111
Sunlight comes at daytime
269
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:33,015
And the moonlight comes
at night
270
00:14:34,318 --> 00:14:36,584
You call my name
271
00:14:36,586 --> 00:14:40,321
And I get a fever
when you hold me tight
272
00:14:40,323 --> 00:14:42,823
You give me fever
273
00:14:42,825 --> 00:14:45,258
Fever
274
00:14:49,363 --> 00:14:52,497
It's so wrong. He's my husband.
275
00:14:52,499 --> 00:14:54,265
You're his lawyer
and best friend.
276
00:14:54,267 --> 00:14:57,368
From now on,
just think of me as his lawyer.
277
00:14:57,370 --> 00:15:01,471
What if George's depression
is because he knows about us?
278
00:15:01,473 --> 00:15:02,805
-Did he say anything?
-No.
279
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:06,275
-Good!
-What are you doing?
280
00:15:06,277 --> 00:15:08,977
All I can think about
is having you on my desk.
281
00:15:08,979 --> 00:15:13,381
-It's so wrong.
-I'm so tired of what's right.
282
00:15:21,657 --> 00:15:25,558
-Are you all right?
-No, we're not all right.
283
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,861
Thank you.
You've been very helpful.
284
00:15:28,863 --> 00:15:30,862
Not at all.
285
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:36,233
Is that a Chloe or a Montana?
286
00:15:36,235 --> 00:15:41,704
-It's a Gee Kee.
-Outrageous.
287
00:15:42,673 --> 00:15:45,340
This ought to cheer you up.
288
00:15:45,342 --> 00:15:47,208
I think I found
the perfect guy.
289
00:15:47,210 --> 00:15:49,243
-He's in Chicago.
-Good. Who is he?
290
00:15:49,245 --> 00:15:51,878
His name's Dr. Lawrence Baird.
He's chief psychiatrist...
291
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:54,647
for the Cicero County
Corrections Mental Facility--
292
00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:56,315
a real dump,
which ought to satisfy...
293
00:15:56,317 --> 00:15:57,983
Maitlin's
out-of-state requirements.
294
00:15:57,985 --> 00:15:59,318
-That's good.
-Secondly...
295
00:15:59,319 --> 00:16:00,652
he wrote his doctoral thesis
on Maitlin's theory...
296
00:16:00,654 --> 00:16:03,755
of psychocerebral equilibrium,
so he's in alignment...
297
00:16:03,757 --> 00:16:05,323
with Maitlin's
theoretical approach.
298
00:16:05,325 --> 00:16:07,525
Perfect. Is he too smart?
299
00:16:07,527 --> 00:16:10,528
He graduated from
Florida State University...
300
00:16:10,530 --> 00:16:11,929
with a C-plus average.
301
00:16:11,931 --> 00:16:14,464
The guy's lucky to be working.
302
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,603
The sleeves on this jacket
are awfully long.
303
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,606
I always like to show
a little linen at the cuff.
304
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,240
You're a smart ass...
305
00:16:25,242 --> 00:16:27,408
and you'll always be
a smart ass.
306
00:16:27,410 --> 00:16:31,444
Now your smart ass
is going back to prison.
307
00:16:31,446 --> 00:16:32,745
They won't take me.
308
00:16:32,747 --> 00:16:34,880
You convinced them
you were crazy.
309
00:16:34,882 --> 00:16:39,050
You were "eating paint chips
off the windowsills...
310
00:16:39,052 --> 00:16:42,053
"and licking dust
off the tops of radiators."
311
00:16:42,055 --> 00:16:44,889
That part was easy.
Then I got really carried away.
312
00:16:44,891 --> 00:16:46,924
You know,
paper clips, plastic forks...
313
00:16:46,926 --> 00:16:50,227
-Kleenex, Naugahyde.
-An epicure! Good!
314
00:16:50,229 --> 00:16:52,195
I think I can arrange
a loaf of bread...
315
00:16:52,197 --> 00:16:54,964
a jug of water,
and thou licking the floor...
316
00:16:54,966 --> 00:16:56,432
of maximum solitary.
317
00:16:56,434 --> 00:17:00,068
I'm impressed. You have
quite a way with words.
318
00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:02,036
One would think you'd be
thought of around here...
319
00:17:02,038 --> 00:17:04,605
as a poet instead of
an ignorant, puffed-up...
320
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,974
smidgen of blowfish shit.
321
00:17:13,281 --> 00:17:17,148
A self-destructive need
to defy authority.
322
00:17:17,150 --> 00:17:19,416
Now that's convincing.
323
00:17:19,418 --> 00:17:22,619
Come to think of it,
Joliet isn't really...
324
00:17:22,621 --> 00:17:24,554
the right environment for you.
325
00:17:24,556 --> 00:17:28,824
You require something
more specialized.
326
00:17:28,826 --> 00:17:31,927
They've got
this endorphin research...
327
00:17:31,929 --> 00:17:34,496
going on
at Stateville Sanitarium.
328
00:17:34,498 --> 00:17:36,931
Research? That's very exciting!
329
00:17:36,933 --> 00:17:40,167
Plenty of long needles
and heavy sedation.
330
00:17:40,169 --> 00:17:42,219
Trouble is...
331
00:17:42,220 --> 00:17:44,270
they need maximum-risk
psychopathic patients.
332
00:17:44,273 --> 00:17:47,173
They'll be happy to hear
I found them one.
333
00:17:47,175 --> 00:17:49,742
Where is he?
I'd love to meet him.
334
00:17:49,744 --> 00:17:52,611
A subject
for all those experiments...
335
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,245
they want to do on you...
336
00:17:54,247 --> 00:17:59,149
for the rest
of your four-year stretch.
337
00:17:59,151 --> 00:18:00,316
And with you out of my way...
338
00:18:00,318 --> 00:18:02,851
I can take my vacation
in peace.
339
00:18:08,958 --> 00:18:13,627
Lopez is screaming his head off
in solitary.
340
00:18:13,629 --> 00:18:14,794
Don't go away.
341
00:18:14,796 --> 00:18:17,830
I'm not quite finished with you.
342
00:18:57,538 --> 00:18:59,571
May I speak to Dr. Baird,
please?
343
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,540
This is Dr. Baird.
344
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,508
I hope you don't mind.
I'm using my speaker phone.
345
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,742
Not at all.
This is Harvey Michaels.
346
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,844
I'm the attorney
for the Greater Los Angeles...
347
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,078
Neuro-Psychiatric Society.
348
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,582
I'm calling on behalf
of Dr. George Maitlin.
349
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,017
Never heard of him.
350
00:19:13,018 --> 00:19:14,451
Didn't you do
your doctoral thesis...
351
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:17,620
on Maitlin's theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
352
00:19:17,622 --> 00:19:22,190
Oh, that Maitlin.
How is the old fraud?
353
00:19:22,192 --> 00:19:24,091
Dr. Maitlin had to leave
suddenly for Europe...
354
00:19:24,093 --> 00:19:25,992
and he asked me to find
a replacement for him...
355
00:19:25,994 --> 00:19:27,760
while he was away.
356
00:19:27,761 --> 00:19:29,527
What kind of money
are we talking about here?
357
00:19:29,530 --> 00:19:31,596
Let's just say
that Dr. Maitlin...
358
00:19:31,598 --> 00:19:33,831
has about
the most successful practice...
359
00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:34,832
in Southern California.
360
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,033
I don't like
that word "about"...
361
00:19:36,035 --> 00:19:38,001
especially when
we're talking about money.
362
00:19:38,003 --> 00:19:39,802
Could you volunteer
a few numbers?
363
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:43,038
I'd say Dr. Maitlin
makes in the vicinity of--
364
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:46,474
give or take a few dollars--
a million a year.
365
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:49,009
Are you there, doctor?
366
00:19:49,011 --> 00:19:51,778
I'm here, Harvey,
but I'm coming there.
367
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:55,448
-Great! When can you start?
-Is tomorrow too late?
368
00:19:55,450 --> 00:19:57,683
I need to get released
from a few things.
369
00:19:57,685 --> 00:19:58,850
He'll be here tomorrow.
370
00:19:58,852 --> 00:20:01,552
Shouldn't we tell him
about the radio show?
371
00:20:01,554 --> 00:20:03,520
I don't want to scare him off.
He's perfect.
372
00:20:03,522 --> 00:20:06,890
Greedy and dumb--
my favorite combination.
373
00:20:06,892 --> 00:20:08,224
Are you there?
374
00:20:08,226 --> 00:20:10,125
We're all set.
We're all set, Doctor.
375
00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:11,526
I'm going to leave
a ticket for you...
376
00:20:11,528 --> 00:20:13,895
at Continental--
first class, of course.
377
00:20:13,897 --> 00:20:14,862
Only way to go!
378
00:20:14,864 --> 00:20:17,631
It'll be a great pleasure
to meet you.
379
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:18,832
Just call me Larry.
380
00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:21,534
He wants us to call him Larry.
381
00:20:21,536 --> 00:20:23,168
What was that all about?
382
00:20:23,170 --> 00:20:26,304
My future.
Here, get me out of this.
383
00:20:26,306 --> 00:20:28,406
-You must be joking.
-Just for five minutes.
384
00:20:28,408 --> 00:20:30,174
But Baird could be back
any second.
385
00:20:30,176 --> 00:20:33,010
That's why we have to hurry.
386
00:20:33,011 --> 00:20:35,845
Gentlemen, aren't you
supposed to be at your station?
387
00:20:35,847 --> 00:20:38,514
-Lunch.
-Official break.
388
00:20:38,516 --> 00:20:40,582
That's a new one.
389
00:20:47,690 --> 00:20:49,756
You're stealing
my ambulance pager.
390
00:20:49,758 --> 00:20:54,293
I'm not. I'm redesigning it.
May I have a hairpin, please?
391
00:20:55,729 --> 00:20:58,629
You're such a crook.
392
00:21:00,199 --> 00:21:02,732
Hurry, please!
393
00:21:03,201 --> 00:21:07,569
You didn't know
I was this good with my hands.
394
00:21:07,571 --> 00:21:09,604
Yes, I did.
395
00:21:10,206 --> 00:21:11,972
Hurry!
396
00:21:17,178 --> 00:21:19,044
Dr. Baird's office.
397
00:21:19,046 --> 00:21:22,580
I love you, baby.
398
00:21:25,918 --> 00:21:27,517
Are you planning to escape?
399
00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:30,019
Let's call it
unauthorized egress.
400
00:21:30,021 --> 00:21:31,453
That's where
your pager comes in.
401
00:21:31,455 --> 00:21:35,256
-And my hairpin.
-Get that so he can't see it.
402
00:21:36,359 --> 00:21:38,192
Even if you made it
out of the building...
403
00:21:38,194 --> 00:21:40,427
how do you expect
to get past the guard gate?
404
00:21:40,429 --> 00:21:44,631
Well, Robin,
that's where you come in.
405
00:21:44,633 --> 00:21:46,866
I was hoping
that you could park your car...
406
00:21:46,868 --> 00:21:49,468
out front with the keys
above the sun visor?
407
00:21:49,470 --> 00:21:53,972
-You're crazy.
-Not according to Dr. Baird.
408
00:22:01,314 --> 00:22:05,549
-Any calls?
-It's been very quiet.
409
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,121
Thanks to you
and your little tap dance...
410
00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:16,391
Lopez is now doing
his carrot impression.
411
00:22:18,928 --> 00:22:21,328
You'll be out of here tomorrow.
412
00:22:21,330 --> 00:22:23,830
I sure hope so.
413
00:22:31,239 --> 00:22:33,705
It's all set.
414
00:22:34,808 --> 00:22:36,874
You're excused.
415
00:23:02,134 --> 00:23:03,500
Jack, this is Dr. Baird.
416
00:23:03,502 --> 00:23:06,102
Would you and Phil
please come to my office?
417
00:23:06,104 --> 00:23:07,136
Yes, sir. Right away.
418
00:23:07,138 --> 00:23:08,971
I've been
much too harsh on you...
419
00:23:08,973 --> 00:23:10,038
for these minor infractions.
420
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,107
Come down to my office
immediately.
421
00:23:13,109 --> 00:23:16,409
Baird's off his rocker.
422
00:23:19,347 --> 00:23:23,214
-Security.
-Chuck, Jack Watkins here.
423
00:23:23,216 --> 00:23:24,982
What the hell's
going on down there?
424
00:23:24,984 --> 00:23:26,950
Baird's up with
the goddamn catatonics...
425
00:23:26,952 --> 00:23:29,018
and the alarm bells
are going off.
426
00:23:29,020 --> 00:23:30,452
I don't get any signal
down here.
427
00:23:30,454 --> 00:23:33,655
-They're all turned off.
-No, they ain't.
428
00:23:33,657 --> 00:23:34,989
They're ringing.
I can hear 'em.
429
00:23:34,991 --> 00:23:36,890
And Baird's having
a hot-dipped shit fit.
430
00:23:36,892 --> 00:23:40,026
-Nobody's flashing.
-Don't tell me goddamn nothing.
431
00:23:40,028 --> 00:23:42,728
Them alarm bells are ringing.
Now get to that main terminal...
432
00:23:42,730 --> 00:23:46,298
and turn off
the main switch right now.
433
00:24:08,388 --> 00:24:09,854
He ain't there.
434
00:24:09,856 --> 00:24:12,656
He gets weirder all the time.
435
00:25:06,578 --> 00:25:08,511
Good evening.
436
00:25:08,512 --> 00:25:10,445
I believe you have
a prepaid ticket for Baird.
437
00:25:10,781 --> 00:25:13,514
B-a-i-r-d? Right?
438
00:25:14,950 --> 00:25:19,885
-Dr. Baird?
-Yeah. Doctor. That's me.
439
00:25:19,887 --> 00:25:22,320
I'm that doctor.
That's my ticket.
440
00:25:22,322 --> 00:25:23,654
All set, Dr. Baird.
441
00:25:23,656 --> 00:25:25,889
Your flight will be boarding
at gate seven.
442
00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:29,659
Just what the doctor ordered--
this doctor.
443
00:25:33,564 --> 00:25:35,964
-Sir?
-No handcuffs.
444
00:25:35,966 --> 00:25:37,332
Can I have your name, please?
445
00:25:37,334 --> 00:25:41,135
Uh, Baird. Lawrence Baird.
446
00:25:41,137 --> 00:25:42,936
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
447
00:25:42,938 --> 00:25:44,304
Can I offer you anything,
Dr. Baird?
448
00:25:44,306 --> 00:25:47,273
A bag of macadamia nuts,
all your available cheeses...
449
00:25:47,275 --> 00:25:49,341
a dozen raspberries
with creme fraiche...
450
00:25:49,343 --> 00:25:50,608
and a double shot
of Black Bush.
451
00:25:50,610 --> 00:25:53,277
-On top of the raspberries?
-I'll take it neat.
452
00:25:53,279 --> 00:25:56,013
-Neat?
-No ice.
453
00:25:56,014 --> 00:25:58,748
Then the filet mignon--rare--
and the duck and the fish.
454
00:25:58,750 --> 00:26:01,884
Blanket, pillow,
eye shades, a pair of...
455
00:26:04,989 --> 00:26:07,956
So, the guy turns to the lady,
and he says...
456
00:26:07,958 --> 00:26:09,624
"Lady, you look like
a very nice woman.
457
00:26:09,626 --> 00:26:11,959
"Where are you from?"
She says, "I'm from Queens."
458
00:26:11,961 --> 00:26:14,628
He says, "Queens? I'm from
natural parents myself."
459
00:26:14,630 --> 00:26:17,697
Speaking of queens,
you are two genuine queens.
460
00:26:17,699 --> 00:26:18,764
And so are you--just kidding.
461
00:26:18,766 --> 00:26:20,532
Captain, thanks for
letting me sit in your lap.
462
00:26:20,534 --> 00:26:23,868
I felt like an 8-year-old kid.
Really. All right.
463
00:26:24,537 --> 00:26:26,837
Hey! I'm Baird.
464
00:26:26,839 --> 00:26:29,506
I'm Dr. Baird. Where you going?
465
00:26:29,508 --> 00:26:32,375
Hey, you! With the sign!
466
00:26:32,377 --> 00:26:34,276
Luscious one! I'm the man...
467
00:26:34,278 --> 00:26:35,944
you've been waiting for
your whole life.
468
00:26:35,946 --> 00:26:38,313
Aren't you supposed to pick up
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
469
00:26:38,315 --> 00:26:40,848
-Yes.
-That's me, Dr. Baird.
470
00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:44,284
I just saw my name
on your sign.
471
00:26:44,286 --> 00:26:46,486
Should I give you
my fingerprint chart?
472
00:26:46,488 --> 00:26:48,855
Do I have to call security?
473
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,122
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
474
00:26:50,124 --> 00:26:51,623
I was contacted
by Harvey Michaels.
475
00:26:51,625 --> 00:26:56,060
I'm supposed to be filling in
for Dr. George Maitlin.
476
00:26:59,165 --> 00:27:01,165
You're not what
I was expecting.
477
00:27:01,167 --> 00:27:06,469
I'm just dressed a little
hipper than you thought, huh?
478
00:27:06,471 --> 00:27:08,003
What, this look
hasn't hit L.A.?
479
00:27:08,005 --> 00:27:11,806
It's the newest trend--
inner city funk.
480
00:27:11,808 --> 00:27:15,576
I'm Maitlin's associate,
Dr. Rollins.
481
00:27:15,578 --> 00:27:17,678
Did the plane crash?
Am I in heaven?
482
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:21,214
I must be dreaming. Pinch me.
Or better yet, I'll pinch you.
483
00:27:21,216 --> 00:27:22,365
The car's outside...
484
00:27:22,366 --> 00:27:23,515
so if you'll give me
your claim checks...
485
00:27:23,518 --> 00:27:25,251
I'll have your bags picked up.
486
00:27:25,253 --> 00:27:28,254
No bags. Mugged in Chicago.
487
00:27:28,256 --> 00:27:29,505
Really?
488
00:27:29,506 --> 00:27:30,755
Right in long-term parking
at the airport.
489
00:27:30,758 --> 00:27:33,058
Three guys this big.
One had his arm around my neck.
490
00:27:33,060 --> 00:27:34,159
The other
went through my pockets.
491
00:27:34,161 --> 00:27:37,761
-And what did the third do?
-He encouraged them.
492
00:27:38,096 --> 00:27:40,362
Trees suffer, too...
493
00:27:40,364 --> 00:27:43,765
palm, elm,
oleander, eucalyptus.
494
00:27:43,767 --> 00:27:47,268
You ladies care to save
the eucalypti?
495
00:27:47,270 --> 00:27:49,837
Listen to
the high-frequency sounds...
496
00:27:49,839 --> 00:27:52,506
they make
when they're being cut!
497
00:27:52,508 --> 00:27:55,408
I'd like you to meet
Oscar Hendricks.
498
00:27:55,410 --> 00:28:00,211
He's the station manager and
producer of your radio show.
499
00:28:00,213 --> 00:28:01,996
Radio show?
500
00:28:01,997 --> 00:28:03,780
Welcome to L.A., Doctor.
Where's your luggage?
501
00:28:03,783 --> 00:28:05,082
Dr. Baird has no luggage.
502
00:28:05,084 --> 00:28:08,018
We can go straight
to the Bel Air.
503
00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:09,252
-Excuse us.
-Doctor?
504
00:28:09,254 --> 00:28:13,023
Sir? You hear that noise?
505
00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:15,558
Those are
ultrahigh frequency sounds...
506
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,561
made by ivy weeping...
507
00:28:18,562 --> 00:28:21,563
during a cross-pollination
experimentation at U.C. Davis.
508
00:28:21,565 --> 00:28:23,331
Who speaks for horticulture?
509
00:28:23,333 --> 00:28:26,467
-Doctor, you certainly--
-Look, ease up on me, pal.
510
00:28:26,469 --> 00:28:28,869
I'm just beginning
to enjoy my jet lag.
511
00:28:28,871 --> 00:28:30,036
I know you're busy.
512
00:28:30,038 --> 00:28:33,039
Only God can make a tree,
but only you can spare one.
513
00:28:33,041 --> 00:28:34,573
My friend,
I think at this juncture...
514
00:28:34,575 --> 00:28:35,874
I should explain something
to you.
515
00:28:35,876 --> 00:28:38,643
I was born in a lovely
little Midwestern town--
516
00:28:38,645 --> 00:28:40,344
Webster City, Iowa.
Maybe you know it.
517
00:28:40,346 --> 00:28:43,747
Lived on a quiet street,
beautiful little white house.
518
00:28:43,749 --> 00:28:44,848
Outside my bedroom window...
519
00:28:44,850 --> 00:28:47,517
there was a spectacular,
huge, giant elm tree.
520
00:28:47,519 --> 00:28:49,385
One night,
there was a fierce hailstorm.
521
00:28:49,387 --> 00:28:51,053
That tree was hit by lightning
and fell.
522
00:28:51,055 --> 00:28:55,656
Took out half the house
and killed my puppy Dwayne.
523
00:28:55,658 --> 00:29:00,193
Ever since then, no plant
has been a friend of mine.
524
00:29:00,195 --> 00:29:02,428
Wait a second, Doctor.
Wait a second.
525
00:29:02,430 --> 00:29:05,764
Those pants look familiar.
That stripe down there--
526
00:29:05,766 --> 00:29:07,466
Of course
they look familiar to you...
527
00:29:07,467 --> 00:29:09,167
if you've got a subscription
to "Gentlemen's Quarterly."
528
00:29:09,169 --> 00:29:12,403
And incidentally, they grind up
twenty-five maples...
529
00:29:12,405 --> 00:29:13,670
for the September issue.
530
00:29:13,672 --> 00:29:15,038
Did you hear that, everybody?
531
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,541
A doctor who won't help
his little green friends.
532
00:29:18,543 --> 00:29:21,744
Don't you know
that no man is so tall...
533
00:29:21,746 --> 00:29:23,278
as when he stoops
to pet a plant?
534
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:27,115
I'm sorry.
You'll have to keep moving.
535
00:29:27,117 --> 00:29:29,851
-I'm sorry.
-This is police brutality!
536
00:29:29,853 --> 00:29:33,420
How does it feel
to be uprooted?
537
00:29:33,422 --> 00:29:35,422
Put me down!
538
00:29:35,424 --> 00:29:36,923
Let go of me, will you?
539
00:29:36,925 --> 00:29:40,192
How long have you been
a policeman? Help!
540
00:29:40,194 --> 00:29:41,626
Help! Police brutality!
541
00:29:41,628 --> 00:29:44,529
Is this really necessary?
542
00:29:44,530 --> 00:29:47,431
All of a sudden, the rich
Beverly Hills doctor cares.
543
00:29:47,433 --> 00:29:48,465
Isn't that touching?
544
00:29:48,467 --> 00:29:49,632
Do you want to press charges?
545
00:29:49,634 --> 00:29:53,201
You bet I do.
This man's a menace to society.
546
00:29:53,203 --> 00:29:54,368
All right. Come on.
547
00:29:54,370 --> 00:29:55,802
What did you think
about his display...
548
00:29:55,804 --> 00:29:59,405
of negative delusionary
fixations about plant life?
549
00:29:59,407 --> 00:30:01,807
I believe in
the secret life of plants.
550
00:30:01,809 --> 00:30:04,142
In fact,
I consulted on that book.
551
00:30:04,144 --> 00:30:06,477
So where are they gonna
take him, anyway?
552
00:30:06,479 --> 00:30:10,213
If he's lucky,
L.A. County Psychiatric.
553
00:30:10,215 --> 00:30:11,814
He's not crazy.
554
00:30:11,816 --> 00:30:14,716
That's a pretty speedy
diagnosis, Doctor.
555
00:30:14,718 --> 00:30:17,385
Antisocial behavior
just happens to be...
556
00:30:17,387 --> 00:30:20,254
my professional specialty.
557
00:30:20,255 --> 00:30:23,122
You have lunch with Michaels
at the hotel at 12:00.
558
00:30:23,125 --> 00:30:25,758
That's good, because
there's nothing in here.
559
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:27,926
Well, I didn't expect
you wanted anything...
560
00:30:27,928 --> 00:30:29,494
at nine o'clock in the morning.
561
00:30:29,496 --> 00:30:32,863
You forgot.
It's later back east.
562
00:30:35,467 --> 00:30:36,766
Well, after lunch--
563
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:37,800
What's the number at the hotel?
564
00:30:37,802 --> 00:30:40,936
-What?
-What's the number of the hotel?
565
00:30:40,938 --> 00:30:42,070
472-1211!
566
00:30:42,072 --> 00:30:45,273
Turned out to be
just your old gym socks.
567
00:30:45,275 --> 00:30:47,808
Then at 3:30,
you'll be at the radio station!
568
00:30:47,810 --> 00:30:51,344
Is it like a panel show--
me with a bunch other doctors?
569
00:30:51,346 --> 00:30:52,778
It's a call-in show...
570
00:30:52,780 --> 00:30:53,812
Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.
571
00:30:53,814 --> 00:30:55,346
...vending-machine photo
of you and Sally...
572
00:30:55,348 --> 00:31:00,150
and a partially used box
of Mentor condoms.
573
00:31:00,152 --> 00:31:01,251
My favorite brand.
574
00:31:01,253 --> 00:31:03,186
It made me proud to think
that my son...
575
00:31:03,188 --> 00:31:05,788
is one of those people
who can have his cake...
576
00:31:05,790 --> 00:31:08,991
and eat it, too.
Son, I'm proud of you.
577
00:31:08,993 --> 00:31:13,127
And I'm proud
of your choice of condoms.
578
00:31:13,129 --> 00:31:14,161
Love, Dad.
579
00:31:14,163 --> 00:31:15,495
This is Dr. Baird.
580
00:31:15,497 --> 00:31:17,296
I'll be checking in shortly,
and I wondered...
581
00:31:17,298 --> 00:31:20,165
if could you send
some things to my room?
582
00:31:20,167 --> 00:31:24,635
Well, how about a case
of Millers, ice cold...
583
00:31:24,637 --> 00:31:27,504
and a pound of Beluga caviar.
584
00:31:27,506 --> 00:31:31,307
Do you think one pound of
caviar will be enough, Doctor?
585
00:31:31,309 --> 00:31:34,176
Maybe you're right. Make that
two pounds of caviar...
586
00:31:34,178 --> 00:31:36,878
and throw in some cheese puffs.
587
00:31:41,717 --> 00:31:43,450
What are those
big white things?
588
00:31:43,452 --> 00:31:46,486
They're swans.
They belong to the hotel.
589
00:31:46,488 --> 00:31:47,687
-Are they dangerous?
-Hardly.
590
00:31:47,689 --> 00:31:51,490
That's right,
and a pair of shoes, size ten.
591
00:31:51,492 --> 00:31:54,659
-10 1/2 "D" wide.
-10 1/2 "D" wide.
592
00:31:54,661 --> 00:31:56,894
-Boots.
-Make that boots.
593
00:31:56,896 --> 00:31:58,829
-With corn pads.
-With corn pads.
594
00:31:58,831 --> 00:32:03,900
-And arch supports.
-And arch supports. Thank you.
595
00:32:03,902 --> 00:32:06,035
You know how I like my shirts?
596
00:32:06,037 --> 00:32:08,003
Shirts should match the suits.
597
00:32:08,005 --> 00:32:10,572
You mean a la page.
598
00:32:14,644 --> 00:32:16,577
Exactly.
599
00:32:20,515 --> 00:32:21,647
Excuse me.
600
00:32:21,649 --> 00:32:24,549
Here you go. Thank you.
601
00:32:24,551 --> 00:32:25,683
Why, thank you, sir.
602
00:32:25,685 --> 00:32:28,152
Would you like some caviar?
We've got plenty.
603
00:32:28,154 --> 00:32:30,320
-No, thank you.
-All right.
604
00:32:30,322 --> 00:32:33,555
I thought
they took your wallet.
605
00:32:34,658 --> 00:32:36,758
They did,
but when you live in Chicago...
606
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:38,926
you always keep
a couple of extra bucks...
607
00:32:38,928 --> 00:32:41,061
in your hollowed-out heel.
608
00:32:41,062 --> 00:32:43,195
Well, your clothes will be
delivered before lunch.
609
00:32:43,198 --> 00:32:44,897
Thank you, Doctor.
610
00:32:44,899 --> 00:32:47,399
No trouble, Doctor.
611
00:33:13,292 --> 00:33:15,191
Thank you.
612
00:33:20,564 --> 00:33:22,230
-Lawrence.
-Harvey.
613
00:33:22,232 --> 00:33:23,798
My assistant Perry Kovin.
614
00:33:23,800 --> 00:33:24,965
-How do you do?
-Dr. Baird.
615
00:33:24,967 --> 00:33:27,133
And here's to
a successful practice, Lawrence.
616
00:33:27,135 --> 00:33:30,336
-May I call you Larry?
-Sure.
617
00:33:34,141 --> 00:33:38,442
By the way, Harvey,
how long does this job last?
618
00:33:38,444 --> 00:33:39,976
At least six months.
619
00:33:39,978 --> 00:33:44,279
Six months. That is
a fair chunk of my time.
620
00:33:44,281 --> 00:33:45,780
It could be a little less.
621
00:33:45,782 --> 00:33:47,448
Six months
will cost you half a mil.
622
00:33:47,450 --> 00:33:49,950
I'd like 200 thou up-front.
623
00:33:50,786 --> 00:33:52,418
That's steep.
624
00:33:52,420 --> 00:33:54,420
I'll tell you what.
You go and find...
625
00:33:54,422 --> 00:33:55,954
a psychiatrist
with my qualifications...
626
00:33:55,956 --> 00:33:58,222
who's willing to give up
his practice and come here...
627
00:33:58,224 --> 00:34:00,824
with no guarantees
and no cash up-front.
628
00:34:00,826 --> 00:34:01,791
I'm sure he's out there...
629
00:34:01,793 --> 00:34:03,159
but he probably
doesn't speak English.
630
00:34:03,161 --> 00:34:06,829
Your practice, Larry,
consists of a couple of wards...
631
00:34:06,831 --> 00:34:08,764
of indigent psychotics
and jailbirds.
632
00:34:08,766 --> 00:34:10,499
You don't have
a private practice.
633
00:34:10,501 --> 00:34:11,500
You work for the county...
634
00:34:11,502 --> 00:34:13,101
and drive a Volare
without a radio.
635
00:34:13,103 --> 00:34:18,005
The best year you ever had,
you made, what, 30,000?
636
00:34:18,007 --> 00:34:22,342
We're thinking of offering you
in the neighborhood of...
637
00:34:24,245 --> 00:34:25,878
50,000.
638
00:34:25,879 --> 00:34:27,512
I'm anxious to move out
of that neighborhood.
639
00:34:27,514 --> 00:34:29,280
And frankly, if you could
have gotten somebody else...
640
00:34:29,282 --> 00:34:31,949
you would have grabbed them.
But I'm the one you wanted.
641
00:34:31,951 --> 00:34:36,086
And now you don't want me,
so, fine. I'm histoire.
642
00:34:36,088 --> 00:34:38,288
I think we all want
to make this work.
643
00:34:38,290 --> 00:34:40,490
I'll just have
to call Dr. Maitlin.
644
00:34:40,492 --> 00:34:43,359
After all, it's his money.
645
00:34:45,196 --> 00:34:47,696
You talk to him.
646
00:34:48,131 --> 00:34:49,830
No lunch?
647
00:34:49,832 --> 00:34:52,933
I have a broadcast to do...
maybe.
648
00:34:52,935 --> 00:34:55,702
And you have an important
phone call to make.
649
00:34:55,704 --> 00:34:58,371
So, ciao, now.
650
00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:14,019
I have something
to confess to you.
651
00:35:14,021 --> 00:35:15,954
I've done something wrong.
652
00:35:15,956 --> 00:35:18,156
I can't keep it inside anymore.
653
00:35:18,158 --> 00:35:22,360
Did you eat
all of the cucumber sandwiches?
654
00:35:26,966 --> 00:35:31,067
The reason I may or may not
have had a nervous breakdown...
655
00:35:31,069 --> 00:35:34,970
and may have subconsciously
tried to kill myself--
656
00:35:34,972 --> 00:35:37,572
not that I'm saying I did--
657
00:35:37,574 --> 00:35:40,975
is because of the incredible
guilt that I felt...
658
00:35:40,977 --> 00:35:47,714
for the absolutely despicable
act that I have committed.
659
00:35:47,716 --> 00:35:49,082
What is it?
660
00:35:49,084 --> 00:35:52,584
I had sex
with one of my patients.
661
00:35:52,586 --> 00:35:54,819
Excuse me?
662
00:35:57,223 --> 00:36:01,491
I--I had sex with a patient.
663
00:36:01,493 --> 00:36:04,060
I'm sorry?
664
00:36:04,863 --> 00:36:07,296
I had sex with a patient!
665
00:36:07,298 --> 00:36:10,932
You had sex
with one of your patients?
666
00:36:28,284 --> 00:36:30,951
Phone call for you, sir.
667
00:36:38,359 --> 00:36:40,692
-What do you want?
-We have to talk.
668
00:36:40,694 --> 00:36:44,762
This isn't a good time.
What is it?
669
00:36:45,131 --> 00:36:46,396
What's a Baird?
670
00:36:46,398 --> 00:36:47,997
Lawrence Baird,
the guy from Chicago...
671
00:36:47,999 --> 00:36:50,666
who's taking over for you.
He's being tough.
672
00:36:50,668 --> 00:36:52,601
He wants 200,000 up-front.
673
00:36:52,602 --> 00:36:54,535
I will not be held up
for $200,000 up-front.
674
00:36:54,538 --> 00:36:58,006
George, darling,
put on your thinking cap.
675
00:36:58,008 --> 00:36:59,540
You want me to shut down
your practice?
676
00:36:59,542 --> 00:37:02,643
You want your radio patients
tuning to another station?
677
00:37:02,645 --> 00:37:05,245
Now, come on, buddy. Be smart.
678
00:37:05,247 --> 00:37:06,879
Get a receipt.
679
00:37:06,881 --> 00:37:11,583
These are the sales offices.
Hi, Charlie.
680
00:37:11,585 --> 00:37:12,801
I'm back.
681
00:37:12,802 --> 00:37:14,018
Say, what is this guy
Maitlin, anyway--
682
00:37:14,020 --> 00:37:16,186
some kind of
a road-company Dr. Ruth?
683
00:37:16,188 --> 00:37:17,020
You'll see.
684
00:37:17,022 --> 00:37:19,989
Welcome. Nice to see you again.
685
00:37:19,991 --> 00:37:23,225
-Now, had a nice lunch?
-Yeah, sure.
686
00:37:23,227 --> 00:37:25,427
Let me fill you in
with the details.
687
00:37:25,429 --> 00:37:27,028
The program runs two hours...
688
00:37:27,030 --> 00:37:29,030
and there are
twelve commercial breaks.
689
00:37:29,032 --> 00:37:30,197
Now, if you'll
sit down over here--
690
00:37:30,199 --> 00:37:33,666
Oscar, just a sec.
Excuse me for a second.
691
00:37:33,868 --> 00:37:35,701
Gentlemen, where's my money?
692
00:37:35,703 --> 00:37:37,169
It's being transferred
from Switzerland.
693
00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:39,004
It's just gonna take
a couple of days.
694
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:40,605
-Forty-eight hours, then?
-Great.
695
00:37:40,607 --> 00:37:42,840
I'm going to need
some walking-around money.
696
00:37:42,842 --> 00:37:45,342
We heard about the mugging.
OK, so I'll send...
697
00:37:45,344 --> 00:37:46,710
what, a couple hundred
to the hotel?
698
00:37:46,712 --> 00:37:51,214
I was thinking more like
a couple of thousand.
699
00:37:51,216 --> 00:37:52,682
Just to walk around?
700
00:37:52,684 --> 00:37:55,584
Gentlemen, when I feel
a lack of support...
701
00:37:55,586 --> 00:37:59,454
something very, very strange
happens to my larynx!
702
00:37:59,456 --> 00:38:01,122
And if that happens,
I will not be able to help...
703
00:38:01,124 --> 00:38:03,290
all those troubled people
out there in radioland.
704
00:38:03,292 --> 00:38:06,860
So we'd better arrange--
thank--thank you.
705
00:38:06,862 --> 00:38:08,595
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
706
00:38:08,597 --> 00:38:10,196
And now from
the Palm Garden room...
707
00:38:10,198 --> 00:38:12,031
high atop
the Knickerbocker Hotel...
708
00:38:12,033 --> 00:38:14,867
it's the sound
of the Jack Hilton Orchestra.
709
00:38:14,869 --> 00:38:18,870
The love boat, a good train,
a bad dog, a beautiful girl.
710
00:38:18,872 --> 00:38:20,371
Tonight on "MacGyver."
711
00:38:20,373 --> 00:38:21,905
Now, what does
all this stuff do?
712
00:38:21,907 --> 00:38:25,074
Now, the most important thing
is the dump button.
713
00:38:25,076 --> 00:38:26,809
You're on a seven-second delay.
714
00:38:26,811 --> 00:38:28,210
Anyone gets too vulgar
or intimate...
715
00:38:28,212 --> 00:38:30,979
you press the button,
and it cuts them off the air.
716
00:38:30,981 --> 00:38:31,813
These are neat.
717
00:38:31,815 --> 00:38:33,648
They're just
special-effects buttons.
718
00:38:33,650 --> 00:38:35,816
Now, you've got
three commercials to read...
719
00:38:35,818 --> 00:38:39,219
and they're numbered here,
and they're laid out for you.
720
00:38:39,221 --> 00:38:40,987
When she goes like this...
721
00:38:40,989 --> 00:38:42,989
that means
the commercial break...
722
00:38:42,991 --> 00:38:44,991
and that's when you read
the commercials.
723
00:38:44,993 --> 00:38:46,792
And please,
put this in your ear.
724
00:38:46,794 --> 00:38:49,828
I know you're gonna be
brilliant. I'm so excited!
725
00:38:49,830 --> 00:38:53,064
I wouldn't put it
anywhere else.
726
00:38:53,066 --> 00:38:55,499
You're beautiful, Hendricks.
Don't ever change, babe.
727
00:38:55,501 --> 00:38:58,001
Welcome to "Mind Your Mind"--
728
00:38:58,003 --> 00:38:59,669
the program that invites you...
729
00:38:59,671 --> 00:39:01,303
the radio audience,
to phone in...
730
00:39:01,305 --> 00:39:04,072
and discuss your problems
with qualified psychiatrists.
731
00:39:04,074 --> 00:39:07,608
Today, substituting
for Dr. George Maitlin...
732
00:39:07,610 --> 00:39:10,877
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
733
00:39:14,082 --> 00:39:15,448
Hi, everybody.
734
00:39:15,450 --> 00:39:18,317
Hi. This is Dr. Baird,
and you're on the air.
735
00:39:18,319 --> 00:39:22,687
We've got our first call today
from Palos Verdes--
736
00:39:22,689 --> 00:39:26,257
Scott. Hello, Scott.
You're on the air.
737
00:39:30,596 --> 00:39:32,429
I guess Scott's
not quite ready...
738
00:39:32,431 --> 00:39:34,764
to deal with his problem yet,
so we're gonna give him...
739
00:39:34,766 --> 00:39:37,299
a couple of minutes
and he'll collect his thoughts.
740
00:39:37,301 --> 00:39:40,635
Going on to our next call now
from West Covina--
741
00:39:40,637 --> 00:39:43,204
Ida. Hello, Ida.
You're on the air.
742
00:39:43,206 --> 00:39:44,805
Hello?
743
00:39:44,807 --> 00:39:46,706
Hi there, Ida.
What's your problem?
744
00:39:46,708 --> 00:39:50,676
Well, it's not really
a problem, Dr. Baird.
745
00:39:50,678 --> 00:39:52,444
Then why are you calling?
746
00:39:52,446 --> 00:39:55,213
Recently,
I met an old school friend.
747
00:39:55,215 --> 00:39:58,482
Let me ask you something.
How old are you?
748
00:39:58,484 --> 00:40:03,286
Fifty-nine.
Anyway, I ran into this man--
749
00:40:03,288 --> 00:40:05,054
Just a minute.
750
00:40:05,056 --> 00:40:07,656
Sweetie, I can't talk now.
I'm on the phone.
751
00:40:07,658 --> 00:40:11,226
What was that there?
Who were you just talking to?
752
00:40:11,228 --> 00:40:12,694
-My daughter.
-OK, got it.
753
00:40:12,696 --> 00:40:14,996
-I got the door closed.
-Good.
754
00:40:14,998 --> 00:40:19,466
And when we met,
he was very happy to see me.
755
00:40:19,468 --> 00:40:22,635
I mean, we hadn't seen
each other in forty years.
756
00:40:22,637 --> 00:40:27,139
And he told me he thought
I was still beautiful...
757
00:40:27,141 --> 00:40:30,542
and he wants
to have lunch with me.
758
00:40:30,544 --> 00:40:31,976
That's great. Sounds like fun.
759
00:40:31,978 --> 00:40:34,478
I said no, naturally,
of course not.
760
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:39,482
But after thinking it over,
I mean, it kind of excited me.
761
00:40:39,484 --> 00:40:43,585
-You married, Ida?
-Very happily, and so is he.
762
00:40:43,587 --> 00:40:45,853
It's nothing sexual, Dr. Baird.
763
00:40:45,855 --> 00:40:49,523
Nothing like that.
It just makes me feel young...
764
00:40:49,525 --> 00:40:51,825
and I guess a little romantic.
765
00:40:51,827 --> 00:40:53,827
Now, what really
goes through your head...
766
00:40:53,829 --> 00:40:56,095
when you think about
having lunch with this man?
767
00:40:56,097 --> 00:40:58,297
Just off the top?
768
00:40:58,298 --> 00:41:00,498
A nice time--
maybe flowers on the table...
769
00:41:00,500 --> 00:41:02,350
glasses of wine.
770
00:41:02,351 --> 00:41:04,201
Now, come on. What are you
really thinking about?
771
00:41:04,203 --> 00:41:07,871
I guess it's
a lot of flattery, too.
772
00:41:07,873 --> 00:41:09,906
Come on.
773
00:41:09,907 --> 00:41:11,940
You're thinking
penis and vagina here, right?
774
00:41:11,943 --> 00:41:13,009
What?
775
00:41:13,010 --> 00:41:14,076
Maybe he throws you on
the table, spills the wine...
776
00:41:14,078 --> 00:41:16,378
knocks over the flowers,
and you do it right there?
777
00:41:16,380 --> 00:41:19,848
-It would ruin my marriage.
-Right, but what do you care?
778
00:41:19,850 --> 00:41:21,082
Some hot sex in the afternoon.
779
00:41:21,084 --> 00:41:23,284
When was the last time
you had it? It'd be worth it.
780
00:41:23,286 --> 00:41:24,451
Absolutely not.
I love my husband.
781
00:41:24,453 --> 00:41:27,687
I want my marriage.
I was just talking about lunch.
782
00:41:27,689 --> 00:41:30,389
Bullshit! You were not
talking about lunch.
783
00:41:30,391 --> 00:41:31,957
You're talking about hot...
784
00:41:31,959 --> 00:41:34,426
sweaty bodies
in a steaming, humping mass.
785
00:41:34,428 --> 00:41:36,027
Well, I--you see, I--
786
00:41:36,029 --> 00:41:38,596
Look, the point is,
it's OK to fantasize.
787
00:41:38,598 --> 00:41:40,531
But you just have to be aware
that sometimes...
788
00:41:40,533 --> 00:41:42,766
these hidden feelings can
come up out of your psyche...
789
00:41:42,768 --> 00:41:45,401
and kick you in the ass
when you least expect it, OK?
790
00:41:45,403 --> 00:41:48,237
Yes, Doctor. Thank you.
791
00:41:48,239 --> 00:41:51,707
We're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird...
792
00:41:51,709 --> 00:41:54,042
and we're going to take a break
for a commercial now.
793
00:41:54,044 --> 00:41:55,977
"A public service message
from the National...
794
00:41:55,979 --> 00:41:59,447
"Hang Gliding Club President's
Memorial Foundation.
795
00:41:59,449 --> 00:42:01,415
"Hang gliding is a fun sport...
796
00:42:01,417 --> 00:42:03,049
"but sometimes
accidents happen.
797
00:42:03,051 --> 00:42:04,083
"If you have a loved one...
798
00:42:04,085 --> 00:42:05,951
"whose wings may have
folded up in mid-soar...
799
00:42:05,953 --> 00:42:07,419
"The National Hang Gliding
Club President's...
800
00:42:07,421 --> 00:42:10,155
"Memorial Foundation
can help with counseling...
801
00:42:10,157 --> 00:42:12,123
"and discounts
on new replacement equipment.
802
00:42:12,125 --> 00:42:17,861
"Call the N.H.G.C.P.M.F.
at 1-800-BIG-FALL."
803
00:42:20,298 --> 00:42:22,498
Everything's going swimmingly.
804
00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:23,999
Good. I'm glad you're happy.
805
00:42:24,001 --> 00:42:25,467
Teensy tadpoles of concern--
806
00:42:25,469 --> 00:42:28,903
you took an awfully long time
with your first caller...
807
00:42:28,905 --> 00:42:32,740
and I think your advice
is a bit too specific.
808
00:42:32,742 --> 00:42:34,942
The references
to penises and vaginas...
809
00:42:34,944 --> 00:42:37,177
should be toned down
just a smidge.
810
00:42:37,179 --> 00:42:39,078
So I should use
alternative terms like...
811
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:41,447
dick, wang, purple bulb,
midget fireman's helmet...
812
00:42:41,449 --> 00:42:44,883
love sausage, and bearded clam?
813
00:42:44,884 --> 00:42:48,318
I mean, this is a conservative
afternoon drive-time show...
814
00:42:48,321 --> 00:42:52,622
and we try to keep things
on an even-keelish level.
815
00:42:52,624 --> 00:42:54,490
Now do you know what I mean?
816
00:42:54,492 --> 00:42:58,994
I guess so. I'm sorry.
817
00:43:00,297 --> 00:43:02,697
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
818
00:43:02,699 --> 00:43:05,132
The phone lines are jammed.
819
00:43:05,134 --> 00:43:09,369
Oh Dear. Start writing
our apology to the F.C.C.
820
00:43:09,371 --> 00:43:12,839
So I did it,
and I hate myself for it.
821
00:43:12,841 --> 00:43:14,941
What is this jerk's name?
822
00:43:14,943 --> 00:43:16,676
I don't want any trouble.
823
00:43:16,678 --> 00:43:18,027
Here's what you do.
824
00:43:18,028 --> 00:43:19,377
Next time that asshole
comes on to you...
825
00:43:19,380 --> 00:43:21,613
you grab the son of a bitch
by the balls...
826
00:43:21,615 --> 00:43:23,982
and give them a good yank.
If that doesn't fix...
827
00:43:23,984 --> 00:43:26,651
his little red pig of a wagon,
you call me...
828
00:43:26,653 --> 00:43:30,453
and I'll come down there
and deal with that fuck.
829
00:43:30,455 --> 00:43:32,455
Next call,
Caroline from Topanga.
830
00:43:32,457 --> 00:43:35,825
-Did Baird just say "fuck"?
-I think so.
831
00:43:35,827 --> 00:43:38,627
You can't say "fuck"
on the radio.
832
00:43:38,629 --> 00:43:40,228
Apparently Baird can.
833
00:43:40,230 --> 00:43:42,496
He said "balls," "asshole"...
834
00:43:42,498 --> 00:43:43,964
"son of a bitch,"
and finally "fuck."
835
00:43:43,966 --> 00:43:47,133
We're OK on "balls."
We're iffy on "son of a bitch."
836
00:43:47,135 --> 00:43:48,501
And even "asshole"
is somewhat...
837
00:43:48,503 --> 00:43:50,469
anatomically
potentially forgivable...
838
00:43:50,471 --> 00:43:54,305
But there's
no getting around "fuck."
839
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:55,705
How many negative calls?
840
00:43:55,707 --> 00:43:59,908
None of them.
They all want to talk to Baird.
841
00:44:00,377 --> 00:44:02,910
Go ahead. You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
842
00:44:02,912 --> 00:44:04,544
We have Yuri from Encino.
Go ahead, Yuri.
843
00:44:04,546 --> 00:44:07,914
Doctor, I have a problem
satisfying my partners.
844
00:44:07,916 --> 00:44:11,150
-What business are you in?
-I mean the other ones.
845
00:44:11,152 --> 00:44:12,217
You mean sexual partners.
846
00:44:12,219 --> 00:44:15,819
I mean, just the mention
of the word "sex," and I--
847
00:44:17,989 --> 00:44:20,923
It sounds to me, sitting here
several miles away...
848
00:44:20,925 --> 00:44:22,959
that you have a case
of premature ejaculation--
849
00:44:22,961 --> 00:44:25,494
and a pretty severe one at that.
The first thing I'd suggest...
850
00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:26,595
is not to feel
too bad about it.
851
00:44:26,597 --> 00:44:28,930
It happens to all men
at some point in their lives.
852
00:44:28,932 --> 00:44:30,865
But mine's been going on
twenty-five years.
853
00:44:30,867 --> 00:44:34,835
I can't look at a woman.
I can't even think about sex.
854
00:44:39,174 --> 00:44:41,007
Doctor, it just happened again.
855
00:44:41,009 --> 00:44:43,642
Just calm down now and relax.
856
00:44:43,644 --> 00:44:46,878
Let's try something here.
Think about something...
857
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:49,547
that could not possibly
arouse you.
858
00:44:49,549 --> 00:44:51,515
For instance...
859
00:44:51,517 --> 00:44:55,317
fixing the transmission
in a 1961 Dodge Shiftomatic.
860
00:44:55,319 --> 00:44:56,618
That's what always
works for me.
861
00:44:56,620 --> 00:44:59,787
I like to mentally
put on my overalls...
862
00:44:59,789 --> 00:45:01,188
take my mechanic's palette...
863
00:45:01,190 --> 00:45:04,191
slide along the floor
under the drive shaft...
864
00:45:04,193 --> 00:45:09,328
pass the universal joint,
grab the joint on the way by...
865
00:45:09,330 --> 00:45:11,530
and wiggle it back and forth,
check it for play.
866
00:45:11,532 --> 00:45:15,033
Then get to the bell housing
and take out your ratchet...
867
00:45:15,035 --> 00:45:16,901
unscrew all the bolts...
868
00:45:16,903 --> 00:45:20,638
and separate the bell housing
from the rest of the apparatus.
869
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,140
And there
you can feel for splines...
870
00:45:23,142 --> 00:45:26,876
and spread the planetary gears.
871
00:45:27,011 --> 00:45:29,678
You are getting
sexually excited...
872
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:33,048
as I sit here and talk about
transmission repair.
873
00:45:33,050 --> 00:45:35,517
I think you'd better
come down to my office.
874
00:45:35,519 --> 00:45:36,985
I couldn't afford it, Doctor.
875
00:45:36,987 --> 00:45:38,886
If you need to talk,
just come on down...
876
00:45:38,888 --> 00:45:40,487
and we'll talk.
There's no charge.
877
00:45:40,489 --> 00:45:41,754
Really? What's your address?
878
00:45:41,756 --> 00:45:44,089
I just got into town,
and I'm working...
879
00:45:44,091 --> 00:45:45,557
out of the offices
of Dr. George Maitlin...
880
00:45:45,559 --> 00:45:47,892
in Beverly Hills. Come down
and see me. We'll talk.
881
00:45:47,894 --> 00:45:50,394
No charge whatsoever.
Thank you.
882
00:45:50,396 --> 00:45:52,429
I've got everybody
in my control booth here...
883
00:45:52,431 --> 00:45:55,832
signaling me like crazy
for a commercial.
884
00:45:55,834 --> 00:45:57,567
They've got these funny...
885
00:45:57,569 --> 00:45:59,268
desperate looks
on their faces...
886
00:45:59,270 --> 00:46:00,702
like it'd be
the end of the world...
887
00:46:00,704 --> 00:46:03,438
if I don't stop
for some silly announcement.
888
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:05,072
But your problems
are more important.
889
00:46:05,074 --> 00:46:07,107
And if you're like Yuri,
you cannot afford therapy...
890
00:46:07,109 --> 00:46:09,242
come on down and see me
at the offices...
891
00:46:09,244 --> 00:46:10,943
of George Maitlin
in Beverly Hills.
892
00:46:10,945 --> 00:46:12,911
Otherwise,
keep those calls coming...
893
00:46:12,913 --> 00:46:14,946
until they drag me off,
pull the plug...
894
00:46:14,948 --> 00:46:16,514
or everybody in L.A. is cured!
895
00:46:16,516 --> 00:46:18,215
-How was I?
-You were fine.
896
00:46:18,217 --> 00:46:22,618
-I wasn't any better than fine?
-You were better than fine.
897
00:46:22,620 --> 00:46:24,620
By the way, here's a message...
898
00:46:24,622 --> 00:46:27,022
from someone who didn't
want to talk on the air.
899
00:46:27,024 --> 00:46:29,124
He's a friend of yours
from this morning...
900
00:46:29,126 --> 00:46:31,960
and he knows
where you got your pants.
901
00:46:32,128 --> 00:46:37,130
See? I told you those pants
would be all the rage someday.
902
00:46:39,868 --> 00:46:43,135
Donald Becker. He's
your garden-variety misfit...
903
00:46:43,137 --> 00:46:45,137
in and out of here
every couple of weeks.
904
00:46:45,139 --> 00:46:47,639
He doesn't fit in anywhere--
not in prison...
905
00:46:47,641 --> 00:46:49,073
not here, not on the streets.
906
00:46:49,075 --> 00:46:50,974
So, in other words,
society rotates him.
907
00:46:50,976 --> 00:46:52,875
Dr. Smet, you ever
look around this place...
908
00:46:52,877 --> 00:46:53,876
at these patients and think...
909
00:46:53,878 --> 00:46:55,811
there but
for the grace of God, go I?
910
00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:58,880
We're supposed to study
emotions, not have them.
911
00:46:58,882 --> 00:47:00,147
Spoken like a true healer.
912
00:47:00,149 --> 00:47:03,416
Can I have the Becker
release forms, please?
913
00:47:03,418 --> 00:47:06,385
He's gonna be a little groggy.
We had to sedate him.
914
00:47:06,387 --> 00:47:08,387
Is this the kind of place
where if anything moves...
915
00:47:08,389 --> 00:47:11,256
you whack it with a thousand
mikes of chlortianazine.
916
00:47:11,258 --> 00:47:12,874
My, didn't we get out...
917
00:47:12,875 --> 00:47:14,491
on the wrong side
of the couch this morning?
918
00:47:14,494 --> 00:47:16,660
Here, sign all five copies.
919
00:47:16,662 --> 00:47:19,162
Dr. Baird
has generously given...
920
00:47:19,164 --> 00:47:21,764
his personal guarantee
for Donald Becker.
921
00:47:21,766 --> 00:47:23,432
He'll be released
with his usual...
922
00:47:23,434 --> 00:47:25,467
seven-day maintenance
prescription.
923
00:47:25,469 --> 00:47:29,304
It'll make it much easier
to handle that way.
924
00:47:41,351 --> 00:47:42,350
Thanks.
925
00:47:42,352 --> 00:47:45,119
I got you into this.
Now I'll get you out.
926
00:47:45,121 --> 00:47:49,489
Here's $50. Have a nice life.
You don't have to thank me.
927
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:52,191
Wait a minute. Where you going?
928
00:47:52,193 --> 00:47:53,825
Mr. Becker,
out there is life's highway.
929
00:47:53,827 --> 00:47:56,494
The farthest journey begins
with a single step...
930
00:47:56,496 --> 00:47:59,196
and I want you as far away
from me as possible.
931
00:47:59,198 --> 00:48:01,364
Fifty bucks
isn't gonna buy me off.
932
00:48:01,366 --> 00:48:04,967
What I know
is worth a lot more than that.
933
00:48:04,969 --> 00:48:06,134
What do you know?
934
00:48:06,136 --> 00:48:07,969
Those pants you were wearing.
935
00:48:07,971 --> 00:48:11,005
Prison issue in Texas,
Arkansas, and Illinois.
936
00:48:11,007 --> 00:48:15,809
I had a friend
who was buried in them.
937
00:48:15,811 --> 00:48:17,377
I knew it, even though...
938
00:48:17,379 --> 00:48:19,178
the son of a bitch
who sold them to me...
939
00:48:19,180 --> 00:48:21,947
swore they were one of a kind.
940
00:48:22,482 --> 00:48:23,514
I don't know.
941
00:48:23,516 --> 00:48:28,418
There's an air about you--
a certain look.
942
00:48:28,787 --> 00:48:31,387
You don't seem like
a doctor to me.
943
00:48:31,389 --> 00:48:33,655
You look like
a malcontent misfit...
944
00:48:33,657 --> 00:48:36,024
who skirted around
society's edges...
945
00:48:36,026 --> 00:48:39,027
and never done shit.
Takes one to know one.
946
00:48:39,029 --> 00:48:41,996
So either you share
the wealth with me...
947
00:48:41,998 --> 00:48:45,466
or you share the cell with me.
948
00:48:48,537 --> 00:48:50,970
You know, I could get used
to a place like this.
949
00:48:50,972 --> 00:48:54,973
Could really,
really mellow out.
950
00:48:54,975 --> 00:48:56,307
Before you get too mellow...
951
00:48:56,309 --> 00:48:57,875
give me the rest
of those drugs.
952
00:48:57,877 --> 00:49:00,711
What are you--
953
00:49:00,712 --> 00:49:03,546
That's my--my pills,
my maintenance dose.
954
00:49:04,383 --> 00:49:05,515
Hope they got cable.
955
00:49:05,517 --> 00:49:09,919
I won't be able to watch
regular TV without drugs.
956
00:49:11,355 --> 00:49:14,489
Yes, that's a one-way ticket
to Mexico City.
957
00:49:14,491 --> 00:49:15,823
Let me ask you something.
958
00:49:15,825 --> 00:49:19,860
Is there anything more
expensive than first class?
959
00:49:19,862 --> 00:49:21,494
Too bad.
960
00:49:21,496 --> 00:49:23,863
No, leave the departure open.
961
00:49:23,865 --> 00:49:26,031
A flight leaves every night
at 10:00?
962
00:49:26,033 --> 00:49:30,402
I'll leave payment
at the front desk. Ciao.
963
00:49:42,782 --> 00:49:44,281
What's all this stuff about?
964
00:49:44,283 --> 00:49:47,183
You ever heard
of the Klephthes?
965
00:49:47,185 --> 00:49:49,919
-What?
-They were my ancestors.
966
00:49:49,921 --> 00:49:52,288
That hardy band
of Greek patriots...
967
00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:55,524
who held the hills
during the Turkish conquest.
968
00:49:55,526 --> 00:49:57,392
They were known
as the Klephthes...
969
00:49:57,394 --> 00:49:59,327
hence, kleptomaniacs.
970
00:49:59,328 --> 00:50:01,261
Their revenge was
taking everything in sight.
971
00:50:01,264 --> 00:50:03,631
You know, my ancestors
were Toro Fecundians.
972
00:50:03,633 --> 00:50:08,202
They had the ability
to smell bullshit a mile away.
973
00:50:16,578 --> 00:50:20,445
Why do I have to come with you?
I could be so happy here.
974
00:50:20,447 --> 00:50:22,280
"A," because
you're in my custody...
975
00:50:22,282 --> 00:50:24,915
"B," I don't trust you,
and "C," the maids refuse...
976
00:50:24,917 --> 00:50:27,684
to clean the room
with you in it.
977
00:50:31,289 --> 00:50:35,324
Are you sure
that this is your office?
978
00:50:35,459 --> 00:50:38,426
-Is that him?
-What's going on here, Officer?
979
00:50:38,428 --> 00:50:42,462
Some shrink named Baird offered
free therapy on the radio...
980
00:50:42,464 --> 00:50:43,629
and all these people showed up.
981
00:50:43,631 --> 00:50:46,999
This is a bad dream,
and you're late for Mrs. Guber.
982
00:50:47,001 --> 00:50:48,066
And what is he doing here?
983
00:50:48,068 --> 00:50:49,767
I'm here because I'm
desperately in love with you.
984
00:50:49,769 --> 00:50:52,436
I have been from the moment
we met at the airport.
985
00:50:52,438 --> 00:50:54,471
I could tell I aroused
an emotion in you.
986
00:50:54,473 --> 00:50:57,507
I knew it was only disgust,
but I can build on that.
987
00:50:57,509 --> 00:50:58,841
-Becker.
-Will you marry me?
988
00:50:58,843 --> 00:51:03,244
Cease and desist.
Give me five minutes.
989
00:51:03,246 --> 00:51:04,945
Mrs. Guber, I'm afraid...
990
00:51:04,947 --> 00:51:06,913
we're going to have
to reschedule today.
991
00:51:06,915 --> 00:51:08,814
Reschedule? Doctor, please.
992
00:51:08,816 --> 00:51:10,749
This can't wait.
I need your help now!
993
00:51:10,751 --> 00:51:13,451
I'm having a power struggle
with my maid...
994
00:51:13,453 --> 00:51:15,770
and she's winning.
995
00:51:15,771 --> 00:51:18,088
-Any ideas, Dr. Rollins?
-You're the idea man.
996
00:51:18,090 --> 00:51:20,590
Doctor,
forget about those freebies.
997
00:51:20,592 --> 00:51:22,525
What about me and Maria?
998
00:51:22,527 --> 00:51:23,993
We want Baird!
999
00:51:23,995 --> 00:51:25,427
History teaches us,
among other things...
1000
00:51:25,429 --> 00:51:28,496
that most power struggles are
based on money and/or religion.
1001
00:51:28,498 --> 00:51:31,332
Now, did you have
any religious differences...
1002
00:51:31,334 --> 00:51:33,768
with your maid?
1003
00:51:33,769 --> 00:51:36,203
-We ironed those out years ago.
-Anybody have a pen?
1004
00:51:36,939 --> 00:51:38,705
Thank you.
1005
00:51:38,706 --> 00:51:40,472
Your five minutes are up.
What are you going to do?
1006
00:51:40,475 --> 00:51:43,442
I know what I'd do
if I were in Chicago.
1007
00:51:43,444 --> 00:51:44,827
What's that?
1008
00:51:44,828 --> 00:51:46,211
I'd take them all
to a ball game.
1009
00:51:46,213 --> 00:51:47,529
Thank you very much,
patients...
1010
00:51:47,530 --> 00:51:48,846
for coming to
our free therapy session today.
1011
00:51:48,848 --> 00:51:51,448
As announced on the radio,
all therapy and treatment...
1012
00:51:51,450 --> 00:51:52,549
today is absolutely free.
1013
00:51:52,551 --> 00:51:54,050
The buses
have been categorized...
1014
00:51:54,052 --> 00:51:55,885
as to particular condition
and ailment.
1015
00:51:55,887 --> 00:51:57,853
All sexual malfunctions
and dysfunctions...
1016
00:51:57,855 --> 00:52:01,223
on bus number one. Penis envy?
1017
00:52:01,725 --> 00:52:03,357
Come on, now. Penis envy?
1018
00:52:03,359 --> 00:52:05,325
Girls, come on. We're
all in this together. Come on.
1019
00:52:05,327 --> 00:52:07,994
Penis envy? On board, please.
Thank you very much.
1020
00:52:07,996 --> 00:52:10,029
Premature ejaculators
and non-ejaculators.
1021
00:52:10,031 --> 00:52:13,499
Now, come on, now.
Premature and non-ejaculators.
1022
00:52:13,501 --> 00:52:14,867
Premature ejaculators,
non-ejaculators...
1023
00:52:14,869 --> 00:52:17,970
and retrograde ejaculators
on board, please.
1024
00:52:17,972 --> 00:52:21,906
Nymphomaniacs.
Don't let me out of your sight.
1025
00:52:21,908 --> 00:52:24,208
Nymphomaniacs,
please come with me.
1026
00:52:24,210 --> 00:52:25,409
Thank you very much.
Bus number five...
1027
00:52:25,411 --> 00:52:28,545
all other forms of
obsessive-compulsive behavior.
1028
00:52:28,547 --> 00:52:32,081
And bus number six,
schizophrenics.
1029
00:52:32,083 --> 00:52:33,082
Actually, schizophrenics...
1030
00:52:33,084 --> 00:52:34,883
you get to choose
between one and six...
1031
00:52:34,885 --> 00:52:36,919
and bus number six,
all others, please.
1032
00:52:36,921 --> 00:52:38,487
All right, Doctor.
We're all set.
1033
00:52:38,489 --> 00:52:40,088
We're playing New York
at one o'clock.
1034
00:52:40,090 --> 00:52:42,523
I got you
280 bleacher section seats...
1035
00:52:42,525 --> 00:52:44,091
and the buses are prepaid...
1036
00:52:44,093 --> 00:52:45,759
and here's the microphone
you asked for.
1037
00:52:45,761 --> 00:52:49,796
Great job.
Why don't you join us?
1038
00:52:49,798 --> 00:52:51,281
No, thank you.
1039
00:52:51,282 --> 00:52:52,765
Come on. I got a section
reserved here on the special...
1040
00:52:52,767 --> 00:52:56,267
just for people who have
a compulsive need to brown-nose.
1041
00:52:56,269 --> 00:52:58,002
Brown-nose!
1042
00:52:58,004 --> 00:53:01,438
Relax.
Take a load off those knees.
1043
00:53:03,842 --> 00:53:07,709
All abo-o-o-oard!
1044
00:53:07,711 --> 00:53:09,043
Guy goes to a shrink.
1045
00:53:09,045 --> 00:53:11,145
Says, "Last night,
I dreamt I was a wigwam.
1046
00:53:11,147 --> 00:53:12,813
"Night before,
I dreamt I was a tepee.
1047
00:53:12,815 --> 00:53:14,447
"What's it all mean?"
Shrink says...
1048
00:53:14,449 --> 00:53:17,817
"It's very simple.
It means you're two tents."
1049
00:53:17,819 --> 00:53:19,502
Get it? Tense!
1050
00:53:19,503 --> 00:53:21,186
You're a beautiful audience--
absolutely fantastic.
1051
00:53:21,189 --> 00:53:25,457
He's brilliant, or he's a fool.
One or the other.
1052
00:53:25,459 --> 00:53:26,825
We'll try to work through
your problems here today...
1053
00:53:26,827 --> 00:53:29,828
and see what we can do,
see if we can help each other.
1054
00:53:29,830 --> 00:53:31,462
Who's first?
1055
00:53:31,464 --> 00:53:33,797
Here's a lady. All right.
Where are you from?
1056
00:53:33,799 --> 00:53:36,065
Susan, from Hollywood.
1057
00:53:36,067 --> 00:53:38,000
From Hollywood.
What's your dream?
1058
00:53:38,002 --> 00:53:42,170
I dreamed recently that
I was crossing Afghanistan...
1059
00:53:42,172 --> 00:53:44,739
wearing nothing but high heels.
1060
00:53:44,741 --> 00:53:46,474
And you were embarrassed?
1061
00:53:46,476 --> 00:53:49,310
The Russians and tanks
went right by me...
1062
00:53:49,312 --> 00:53:51,178
and the Afghan rebels
ignored me.
1063
00:53:51,180 --> 00:53:53,680
But when I got
to the Pakistani border...
1064
00:53:53,682 --> 00:53:55,848
there was
a giant shopping mall...
1065
00:53:55,850 --> 00:53:57,382
called the Karachi Galleria.
1066
00:53:57,384 --> 00:53:58,850
But the parking lot
was empty...
1067
00:53:58,852 --> 00:54:02,320
except for millions of lizards
wearing dark glasses...
1068
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:05,022
and one of them
looked like Barbara Walters.
1069
00:54:05,024 --> 00:54:07,991
They were eating
tiny, little Haagen-Dazs...
1070
00:54:07,993 --> 00:54:09,993
ice cream cones being served...
1071
00:54:09,995 --> 00:54:12,428
by a guy
I went to high school with.
1072
00:54:12,430 --> 00:54:15,597
I went inside the mall
to the food fair...
1073
00:54:15,599 --> 00:54:17,732
where the smell
of caramel popcorn...
1074
00:54:17,734 --> 00:54:20,434
and cleaning fluid
so overwhelmed me...
1075
00:54:20,436 --> 00:54:22,335
that I noticed my nakedness...
1076
00:54:22,337 --> 00:54:26,438
Speaking of nuts,
I'm Donald Becker.
1077
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:29,507
I'm Dr. Laura Rollins.
1078
00:54:29,509 --> 00:54:34,044
You a shrink?
I don't care much for shrinks.
1079
00:54:34,046 --> 00:54:40,750
All that honesty and openness
and truth-telling gets so icky.
1080
00:54:41,352 --> 00:54:44,753
Sometimes the truth is icky.
1081
00:54:48,358 --> 00:54:49,523
I'm Dan Peterson,
head of promotion.
1082
00:54:49,525 --> 00:54:52,459
This is a wonderful thing
you're doing here.
1083
00:54:52,461 --> 00:54:54,294
Thanks for giving us the seats.
1084
00:54:54,296 --> 00:54:56,029
If there's anything else
I can get for you...
1085
00:54:56,031 --> 00:54:57,764
please, don't hesitate to ask.
1086
00:54:57,766 --> 00:54:59,732
There is one thing...
1087
00:54:59,734 --> 00:55:02,267
that I've always wanted
to do at a ball game...
1088
00:55:02,269 --> 00:55:04,135
but--no. Forget it.
1089
00:55:04,137 --> 00:55:06,704
-Your wish is our command.
-I can't.
1090
00:55:06,706 --> 00:55:08,605
-Sure you can.
-I can?
1091
00:55:08,607 --> 00:55:14,777
The bombs bursting in air
1092
00:55:14,779 --> 00:55:18,113
Gave us proof through the night
1093
00:55:18,115 --> 00:55:20,115
He's been in town
less than thirty-six hours...
1094
00:55:20,117 --> 00:55:23,051
and he's at a ball game
singing the national anthem.
1095
00:55:23,053 --> 00:55:25,486
This guy could be
a goddamn TV star.
1096
00:55:25,488 --> 00:55:28,455
What does a syndicated
shrink show mean to you...
1097
00:55:28,457 --> 00:55:31,391
executive producer Perry Kovin?
1098
00:55:31,393 --> 00:55:36,194
And the home of the brave
1099
00:55:36,596 --> 00:55:46,269
Over here, in the left-field
bleachers, are my patients.
1100
00:55:46,271 --> 00:55:53,643
Please give them
a warm L.A. welcome.
1101
00:55:57,982 --> 00:56:00,048
Thank you.
1102
00:56:04,787 --> 00:56:07,287
-Hot dog?
-Thank you, Doctor.
1103
00:56:07,289 --> 00:56:10,823
-Hot dog?
-I hate hot dogs.
1104
00:56:11,792 --> 00:56:15,193
-Getting cured?
-Not yet, but I'm gonna get it.
1105
00:56:15,195 --> 00:56:18,296
All right. On that note,
I think I'll just continue...
1106
00:56:18,298 --> 00:56:20,364
with my therapeutic ministry.
1107
00:56:20,366 --> 00:56:23,767
Unblock your emotions!
Have a red hot!
1108
00:56:23,769 --> 00:56:25,802
Anorexics, come on.
Don't be afraid!
1109
00:56:25,804 --> 00:56:28,337
Have two or three!
It's all right!
1110
00:56:28,339 --> 00:56:32,140
How are you doing? Very good.
Enjoying the game?
1111
00:56:32,142 --> 00:56:34,741
What other sports do you like?
1112
00:56:36,811 --> 00:56:38,043
Fabulous, wasn't it?
1113
00:56:38,045 --> 00:56:40,345
Sigmund was the first
to deal with mass hysteria.
1114
00:56:40,347 --> 00:56:43,915
I am the first to deal
with mass transit.
1115
00:57:03,469 --> 00:57:07,304
You are the strangest shrink
I've ever met...
1116
00:57:07,306 --> 00:57:11,207
and this is the strangest date
I've ever been on.
1117
00:57:17,214 --> 00:57:20,415
Good afternoon. It's 4:00,
tea time in England...
1118
00:57:20,417 --> 00:57:22,750
and therapy time
here in the Southland.
1119
00:57:22,752 --> 00:57:23,851
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1120
00:57:23,853 --> 00:57:25,686
When was the last time
you saw ratings...
1121
00:57:25,688 --> 00:57:27,254
go up like this in two days?
1122
00:57:27,256 --> 00:57:28,922
He's got something, doesn't he?
1123
00:57:28,924 --> 00:57:31,691
He cares. That's the secret.
It's in his voice.
1124
00:57:31,693 --> 00:57:34,260
You know what that's worth
to an advertiser?
1125
00:57:34,262 --> 00:57:36,129
Absolutely.
1126
00:57:36,130 --> 00:57:37,997
If anyone wants a doughnut
without jelly, they're ready.
1127
00:57:37,999 --> 00:57:39,531
...and recording them
in a diary...
1128
00:57:39,533 --> 00:57:42,367
to analyze
what each drill hit feels like.
1129
00:57:42,369 --> 00:57:44,902
All right. This is
a very, very abnormal problem...
1130
00:57:44,904 --> 00:57:46,703
and certainly the first
we've had on the show.
1131
00:57:46,705 --> 00:57:48,271
I think that immediately
you should seek...
1132
00:57:48,273 --> 00:57:49,672
professional help
and counseling...
1133
00:57:49,673 --> 00:57:51,072
because using an electric
drill on the human skull...
1134
00:57:51,075 --> 00:57:53,575
is something that,
well, we really shouldn't do.
1135
00:57:53,577 --> 00:57:56,578
Next call.
From Torrance, California...
1136
00:57:56,580 --> 00:57:58,079
we have Lucille on the line.
1137
00:57:58,081 --> 00:57:59,914
You're on the air
with Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1138
00:57:59,916 --> 00:58:03,050
What can I do? My husband,
he's the worst slob.
1139
00:58:03,052 --> 00:58:04,451
Anything I cook,
no matter what it is...
1140
00:58:04,453 --> 00:58:06,619
the first thing he says is,
"Do we eat it...
1141
00:58:06,621 --> 00:58:07,753
"or did we eat it?"
1142
00:58:07,755 --> 00:58:10,388
-Then what does he do?
-Then what what?
1143
00:58:10,390 --> 00:58:12,923
-What does he do?
-He laughs.
1144
00:58:12,925 --> 00:58:15,558
-He laughs?
-He learned it in the army.
1145
00:58:15,560 --> 00:58:17,059
"Do we eat it,
or did we eat it?"
1146
00:58:17,061 --> 00:58:18,760
I'm ready to bury an ax
in his head, Doctor...
1147
00:58:18,762 --> 00:58:20,528
and I'm thinking
of buying a gun.
1148
00:58:20,530 --> 00:58:22,763
I have rat poison
in the house already.
1149
00:58:22,765 --> 00:58:23,864
I know how you feel, Lucille.
1150
00:58:23,866 --> 00:58:26,066
I can't take it anymore.
I'm not going to be happy...
1151
00:58:26,068 --> 00:58:28,368
until I see them
taking him out in a body bag.
1152
00:58:28,370 --> 00:58:30,203
I mean, I want the guy dead.
1153
00:58:30,205 --> 00:58:31,370
In these circumstances...
1154
00:58:31,372 --> 00:58:33,071
I think you have to start
by centering yourself.
1155
00:58:33,073 --> 00:58:34,238
I'm not going to center myself.
1156
00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:35,706
Why do I always have
to center myself?
1157
00:58:35,708 --> 00:58:37,874
You got to calm down.
You got any T.M. experience?
1158
00:58:37,876 --> 00:58:39,609
Let him center himself
right in the cemetery.
1159
00:58:39,611 --> 00:58:42,912
Just start by--
close your eyes--
1160
00:58:42,914 --> 00:58:45,247
Hey, lady, zip it up!
1161
00:58:45,249 --> 00:58:46,715
Now, look at your problem
this way.
1162
00:58:46,717 --> 00:58:47,615
If you knock this guy off...
1163
00:58:47,617 --> 00:58:49,083
how long is your happiness
going to last?
1164
00:58:49,085 --> 00:58:51,952
I mean, is this no-good slob
worth going to jail for?
1165
00:58:51,954 --> 00:58:53,086
So what should I do?
1166
00:58:53,088 --> 00:58:58,023
For openers,
I'd say stop cooking for him.
1167
00:59:00,293 --> 00:59:01,925
Does it ever stop raining
in London?
1168
00:59:01,927 --> 00:59:04,060
Rain! Rain! Rain!
It's so depressing.
1169
00:59:04,062 --> 00:59:06,062
-What was her name?
-Whose name?
1170
00:59:06,064 --> 00:59:07,708
Here you are, Dr. Baird.
1171
00:59:07,709 --> 00:59:09,353
The information packet
for your convention...
1172
00:59:09,354 --> 00:59:10,998
all the events of the 3 days.
I'll show you to your room.
1173
00:59:11,002 --> 00:59:12,601
How many times
do I have to tell you...
1174
00:59:12,603 --> 00:59:14,069
she was a patient!
If I told you her name...
1175
00:59:14,071 --> 00:59:16,504
I'd be breaking the psychiatric
code of confidentiality.
1176
00:59:16,506 --> 00:59:17,938
Don't throw codes at me.
You've committed adultery...
1177
00:59:17,940 --> 00:59:20,941
and you had sex with a patient.
Now what was her goddamn name?
1178
00:59:20,943 --> 00:59:22,609
Is there no end
to this madness?
1179
00:59:22,611 --> 00:59:23,509
I can't tell you!
1180
00:59:23,511 --> 00:59:25,344
I always feel more
comfortable...
1181
00:59:25,346 --> 00:59:26,845
if I can actually
see my luggage.
1182
00:59:26,847 --> 00:59:29,314
Don't worry, sir.
Everything's taken care of.
1183
00:59:29,316 --> 00:59:31,148
I'm sure.
1184
00:59:33,852 --> 00:59:36,419
Give me her first name.
1185
00:59:36,421 --> 00:59:39,422
Then give me the first
initial of her first name.
1186
00:59:39,424 --> 00:59:40,489
This is so immature.
1187
00:59:40,491 --> 00:59:42,357
Then give me one letter
in her first name.
1188
00:59:42,359 --> 00:59:44,625
Aren't I entitled to that?
1189
00:59:44,627 --> 00:59:45,959
"E." Now drop it.
1190
00:59:45,961 --> 00:59:50,997
"E." "E" doesn't tell me
anything. I need a consonant.
1191
00:59:53,534 --> 00:59:55,033
Have you no sense of privacy?
1192
00:59:55,035 --> 00:59:56,601
Christ! You have sex
with a patient...
1193
00:59:56,603 --> 00:59:58,035
and you talk about privacy?
1194
00:59:58,037 --> 01:00:00,203
Am I supposed to tip you,
or is that--
1195
01:00:00,205 --> 01:00:02,171
That's entirely up to you, sir.
1196
01:00:02,173 --> 01:00:04,673
This is worth
how much in American?
1197
01:00:04,675 --> 01:00:06,274
That's about $1.50, sir.
1198
01:00:06,276 --> 01:00:09,844
I'll have to work this out.
1199
01:00:14,049 --> 01:00:18,284
-What?
-I've had an affair, too.
1200
01:00:21,389 --> 01:00:22,888
That is so sad.
1201
01:00:22,890 --> 01:00:24,823
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm trained...
1202
01:00:24,825 --> 01:00:26,791
to see through
these ego defenses.
1203
01:00:26,793 --> 01:00:29,226
You're hurt,
and you're striking back.
1204
01:00:29,228 --> 01:00:32,728
It's all right. I understand.
1205
01:00:32,730 --> 01:00:34,529
Look at me.
1206
01:00:34,531 --> 01:00:39,067
I've had an affair
for the last year and a half.
1207
01:00:44,273 --> 01:00:47,140
-Who is he?
-I can't tell you.
1208
01:00:47,142 --> 01:00:51,376
-Why?
-He's a friend of yours.
1209
01:00:52,345 --> 01:00:54,478
No friend of mine
would ever sleep with you...
1210
01:00:54,480 --> 01:00:57,647
because, if he did,
I would kill him.
1211
01:00:58,149 --> 01:01:01,382
Now tell me you're lying.
1212
01:01:02,651 --> 01:01:03,916
I'm lying.
1213
01:01:03,918 --> 01:01:06,418
Maitlin? Who's Maitlin?
Forget Maitlin. Maitlin's a bum.
1214
01:01:06,420 --> 01:01:07,952
Already you're wiping him
off the ratings charts.
1215
01:01:07,954 --> 01:01:10,154
-I like your loyalty.
-Maitlin's history.
1216
01:01:10,156 --> 01:01:11,755
-Histoire.
-You're hot, Larry.
1217
01:01:11,757 --> 01:01:13,923
So, what do you think
of a self-help video series?
1218
01:01:13,925 --> 01:01:16,625
-A doctor diet book.
-Please, shut your toilet.
1219
01:01:16,627 --> 01:01:20,528
Although he's got a point.
A shrink's diet book. Why not?
1220
01:01:20,530 --> 01:01:23,997
I got the title:
"Shrink Along With the Shrink."
1221
01:01:23,999 --> 01:01:26,433
Sensational!
1222
01:01:26,434 --> 01:01:28,868
Hardcover's very prestigious,
but the real profit's in paper.
1223
01:01:28,870 --> 01:01:30,970
You might want to--
the rose on that...
1224
01:01:30,972 --> 01:01:32,638
I don't think it's edible.
1225
01:01:32,640 --> 01:01:34,640
What did I tell you?
Has he got a mind?
1226
01:01:34,642 --> 01:01:36,342
We don't want to stop there.
1227
01:01:36,343 --> 01:01:38,043
That thing you did on the buses
was just the beginning.
1228
01:01:38,045 --> 01:01:39,344
Buses seat
eighty-four people...
1229
01:01:39,346 --> 01:01:40,478
even if you rip out
the toilets...
1230
01:01:40,480 --> 01:01:43,647
but ocean liners--
ocean liners hold thousands!
1231
01:01:43,649 --> 01:01:45,215
I figure you get the QE II...
1232
01:01:45,217 --> 01:01:46,816
you paint a happy face
on the back...
1233
01:01:46,818 --> 01:01:48,984
950 a pop.
What could be so terrible?
1234
01:01:48,986 --> 01:01:52,820
-I can see millions.
-I'll settle for my 200,000.
1235
01:01:52,822 --> 01:01:54,888
Cookie money. Cookie money!
1236
01:01:54,890 --> 01:01:57,290
So call me Famous Amos.
1237
01:01:57,292 --> 01:01:59,724
Campari and soda.
1238
01:02:02,361 --> 01:02:03,460
Now, tomorrow night...
1239
01:02:03,462 --> 01:02:04,994
Maitlin's getting
the G.L.A.N.S. award...
1240
01:02:04,996 --> 01:02:06,462
and I want you
to accept it for him.
1241
01:02:06,464 --> 01:02:08,297
Now, don't worry. Before
you step up on the dais...
1242
01:02:08,299 --> 01:02:10,165
the money's
gonna be in your hand.
1243
01:02:10,167 --> 01:02:11,433
And afterwards...
1244
01:02:11,434 --> 01:02:12,700
I'm the toughest negotiator
in the west.
1245
01:02:12,702 --> 01:02:15,969
Ask anybody. Nobody fucks
with Harvey Michaels.
1246
01:02:15,971 --> 01:02:17,804
Excuse me,
I promised the staff...
1247
01:02:17,806 --> 01:02:19,739
I'd help with the dishes
and take out the garbage.
1248
01:02:19,741 --> 01:02:22,241
Then I have to make
a phone call.
1249
01:02:26,679 --> 01:02:30,147
Do you know my friend
had shoulder pad implants?
1250
01:02:30,149 --> 01:02:33,483
-Is that the ultimate?
-You're kidding?
1251
01:02:33,485 --> 01:02:35,818
Dr. Glassman
did my uppers and lowers.
1252
01:02:35,820 --> 01:02:37,853
-Isn't it great?
-Wonderful!
1253
01:02:37,855 --> 01:02:39,187
I spent the entire weekend...
1254
01:02:39,189 --> 01:02:41,222
being pounded on
by Madame Wanda.
1255
01:02:41,224 --> 01:02:42,423
I highly recommend it.
1256
01:02:42,425 --> 01:02:45,359
I had my initials
carved into my leg.
1257
01:02:45,361 --> 01:02:46,593
Who did it?
1258
01:02:46,595 --> 01:02:49,429
I did it myself.
1259
01:02:49,431 --> 01:02:51,998
-It's nice.
-Fascinating.
1260
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:53,199
Hef, nice to see you...
1261
01:02:53,201 --> 01:02:56,502
in somebody else's jacuzzi
for a change.
1262
01:02:59,573 --> 01:03:01,539
Good. I want
to sit down with you...
1263
01:03:01,541 --> 01:03:03,340
and carve out
some long-range objectives.
1264
01:03:03,342 --> 01:03:09,578
I'd never let you work for me.
You're a sleazoid. Ask anybody.
1265
01:03:10,414 --> 01:03:12,046
And he's got integrity.
1266
01:03:12,048 --> 01:03:13,414
Why wouldn't I
just love this man?
1267
01:03:13,416 --> 01:03:16,917
You know I do. I love you.
I do. I love you.
1268
01:03:17,753 --> 01:03:18,685
I love this man!
1269
01:03:18,687 --> 01:03:22,588
-He does. He does love you.
-Good.
1270
01:03:22,590 --> 01:03:24,923
And I'm not embarrassed
to say it. Here.
1271
01:03:24,925 --> 01:03:26,925
Keys to the Maserati.
It's parked outside.
1272
01:03:26,927 --> 01:03:29,427
It's got a cellular phone,
everything.
1273
01:03:29,429 --> 01:03:30,928
These are the keys
to the motor sailor.
1274
01:03:30,930 --> 01:03:32,429
Now take them, use them.
They're yours.
1275
01:03:32,431 --> 01:03:34,097
You've been working too hard.
1276
01:03:34,098 --> 01:03:35,764
You know why I'm lending you
the car and the yacht?
1277
01:03:35,767 --> 01:03:38,434
Because I believe in you.
I believe in you.
1278
01:03:38,436 --> 01:03:39,968
I believe that you do!
1279
01:03:39,970 --> 01:03:42,737
Great!
Have a contract drawn up.
1280
01:03:42,739 --> 01:03:44,371
-Contract?
-Now, don't worry.
1281
01:03:44,373 --> 01:03:45,656
It's only for seven years.
1282
01:03:45,657 --> 01:03:46,940
And remember,
a contract's like a marriage.
1283
01:03:46,942 --> 01:03:49,108
You're unhappy,
it's not working out...
1284
01:03:49,110 --> 01:03:51,176
What do we do?
1285
01:03:52,145 --> 01:03:54,111
You know what they say, boys.
1286
01:03:54,113 --> 01:03:57,280
It's unlucky to look upon
the bride before the wedding...
1287
01:03:57,282 --> 01:04:00,816
so I'll catch you guys
at the altar.
1288
01:04:00,818 --> 01:04:02,918
At the altar.
1289
01:04:02,920 --> 01:04:04,953
How about it, girls?
1290
01:04:04,954 --> 01:04:06,987
Want a demonstration
of Archimedes' principle?
1291
01:04:06,990 --> 01:04:09,457
What did he say?
1292
01:04:13,762 --> 01:04:17,063
You know, I had fun tonight.
1293
01:04:17,432 --> 01:04:19,598
I finally found
a place I fit in...
1294
01:04:19,600 --> 01:04:22,400
as well as I do the nut house--
1295
01:04:22,402 --> 01:04:24,802
Beverly Hills.
1296
01:04:45,290 --> 01:04:46,255
What's wrong?
1297
01:04:46,257 --> 01:04:48,924
I have this rumbling
in my gut...
1298
01:04:48,926 --> 01:04:51,192
and these terrible chest pains.
1299
01:04:51,194 --> 01:04:53,460
You ate too much.
1300
01:04:53,462 --> 01:04:55,662
It's not gas. It's trust.
1301
01:04:55,664 --> 01:04:57,964
I'm not used
to trusting anyone.
1302
01:04:57,966 --> 01:05:00,900
It doesn't feel right.
1303
01:05:02,503 --> 01:05:04,102
I had one of the hottest...
1304
01:05:04,104 --> 01:05:06,938
Church of the Gethsemane
franchises in Texas.
1305
01:05:06,940 --> 01:05:10,640
It netted about 1,100 a month
in donations...
1306
01:05:10,642 --> 01:05:13,875
pamphlets, baptisms...
1307
01:05:14,644 --> 01:05:17,778
and then she walked in.
1308
01:05:17,780 --> 01:05:19,513
You're sitting on my covers.
1309
01:05:19,515 --> 01:05:25,652
Long red hair,
short red dress, Nadine.
1310
01:05:25,654 --> 01:05:30,223
She said she played the organ,
and she sure played mine.
1311
01:05:30,225 --> 01:05:32,391
I trusted her,
did everything she told me...
1312
01:05:32,393 --> 01:05:33,792
including
burning down my church...
1313
01:05:33,794 --> 01:05:37,028
and running off with her
and the insurance money.
1314
01:05:37,030 --> 01:05:41,832
Then I woke up alone
on a vibrating bed.
1315
01:05:41,834 --> 01:05:44,467
Nadine was gone for good.
1316
01:05:44,469 --> 01:05:47,236
But she did leave me
a couple of quarters...
1317
01:05:47,238 --> 01:05:48,237
to keep the bed going.
1318
01:05:48,239 --> 01:05:50,739
That's what I got
for trusting her...
1319
01:05:50,741 --> 01:05:53,475
over my own selfish instincts.
1320
01:05:53,477 --> 01:05:55,743
Always a mistake.
1321
01:05:55,745 --> 01:05:59,179
You see,
that's what I like about you.
1322
01:05:59,181 --> 01:06:01,581
You talk straight.
1323
01:06:02,417 --> 01:06:05,551
It's hard not to trust you.
1324
01:06:05,553 --> 01:06:07,786
You'll learn.
1325
01:06:12,825 --> 01:06:15,158
And what do we do when
your refrigerator repairman...
1326
01:06:15,160 --> 01:06:17,393
suddenly cancels
an appointment?
1327
01:06:17,395 --> 01:06:20,295
And when your daughter
borrows your new clothes?
1328
01:06:20,730 --> 01:06:24,164
And when your doctor refuses
to validate for parking?
1329
01:06:25,033 --> 01:06:26,999
The snarl is good, a little bit
more protestation...
1330
01:06:27,001 --> 01:06:30,502
and we'll tack a woof on there,
so what you'd have would be...
1331
01:06:34,373 --> 01:06:37,574
-Work on it.
-Thank you, Doctor.
1332
01:06:37,576 --> 01:06:41,009
And I'll be looking forward
to our next session.
1333
01:06:41,011 --> 01:06:42,910
I will, too.
1334
01:06:53,221 --> 01:06:55,254
Neo-Pavlovian
rackoff technique...
1335
01:06:55,256 --> 01:06:57,956
for immediate stress relief.
1336
01:07:06,032 --> 01:07:09,400
I'm Dr. George Maitlin
from Los Angeles.
1337
01:07:09,402 --> 01:07:10,901
Are you registered?
1338
01:07:10,903 --> 01:07:15,238
I saw your sign.
I thought I'd drop by.
1339
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,974
I'll gladly pay
whatever fee is...
1340
01:07:17,976 --> 01:07:20,710
The Paleo-Jungian luncheon
is £10.
1341
01:07:20,712 --> 01:07:23,546
The entire conference
carries a fee of £500...
1342
01:07:23,548 --> 01:07:25,381
which includes
the various lectures...
1343
01:07:25,383 --> 01:07:28,550
and the concept exchange
period.
1344
01:07:30,387 --> 01:07:31,619
I'll take lunch.
1345
01:07:31,621 --> 01:07:34,021
Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
1346
01:07:39,227 --> 01:07:43,495
So, we're two Yanks abroad.
1347
01:07:45,065 --> 01:07:46,964
I saw you and your wife...
1348
01:07:46,966 --> 01:07:50,701
playing a word game
in the elevator.
1349
01:07:53,405 --> 01:07:56,239
Where's your practice?
1350
01:07:59,510 --> 01:08:01,810
L.A.
1351
01:08:07,551 --> 01:08:10,251
Mine's in Chicago.
1352
01:08:18,894 --> 01:08:21,628
You're here
just for the conference?
1353
01:08:21,630 --> 01:08:23,129
I'm here on sabbatical.
1354
01:08:23,131 --> 01:08:28,534
I'm...doing research
on a...new book.
1355
01:08:35,909 --> 01:08:37,525
I'm just here...
1356
01:08:37,526 --> 01:08:39,142
to get out of the grind
of Chicago for a while.
1357
01:08:39,145 --> 01:08:42,045
Are you familiar with Chicago?
1358
01:08:43,481 --> 01:08:45,581
I'm telling you,
Cicero County Hospital...
1359
01:08:45,583 --> 01:08:48,951
has got to be the most
depressing hospital...
1360
01:08:48,953 --> 01:08:50,052
in the history of medicine.
1361
01:08:50,054 --> 01:08:52,854
Did you say
"Cicero County Hospital"?
1362
01:08:53,156 --> 01:08:54,889
Are you familiar
with Dr. Baird?
1363
01:08:54,891 --> 01:08:57,758
That's me. Lawrence Baird.
Glad to meet you.
1364
01:08:57,760 --> 01:09:02,328
-What do you mean, "That's me"?
-Dr. Baird. Cicero County.
1365
01:09:02,330 --> 01:09:03,595
You're not Dr. Baird.
1366
01:09:03,597 --> 01:09:05,430
Dr. Baird's
in my office in L.A.
1367
01:09:05,432 --> 01:09:08,566
Excuse me. I think
I ought to know who I am...
1368
01:09:08,568 --> 01:09:11,569
better than you do.
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1369
01:09:11,571 --> 01:09:12,503
What are you doing here?
1370
01:09:12,505 --> 01:09:14,805
Just what you're doing.
Eating lunch.
1371
01:09:14,807 --> 01:09:19,709
Well, what about my $200,000?
1372
01:09:20,411 --> 01:09:22,677
Here's your parking pass
for the big dinner tonight...
1373
01:09:22,679 --> 01:09:24,945
and your tux has been
delivered to the hotel.
1374
01:09:24,947 --> 01:09:27,380
Watch the phones for me?
1375
01:09:27,815 --> 01:09:29,614
Can I interest you
in some lunch?
1376
01:09:29,616 --> 01:09:32,617
I can't have lunch.
But you can take me to dinner.
1377
01:09:32,619 --> 01:09:39,256
I'd love to, but
I've got this thing tonight.
1378
01:09:39,258 --> 01:09:42,325
Me, too. Why don't you
pick me up at 6:00?
1379
01:09:42,327 --> 01:09:45,294
Sure. I can pick you up,
but then, like, after...
1380
01:09:45,296 --> 01:09:47,195
I don't think
I'm going straight home...
1381
01:09:47,197 --> 01:09:49,497
after the evening's over, so...
1382
01:09:49,499 --> 01:09:53,333
Well, maybe I can
talk you into it.
1383
01:09:53,635 --> 01:09:57,302
1425 North Orange Grove Avenue.
6:00?
1384
01:09:57,304 --> 01:09:59,737
I'll see you there.
1385
01:10:12,184 --> 01:10:13,650
-Is this a joke?
-Just wait.
1386
01:10:13,652 --> 01:10:15,685
They're ringing my office
in Beverly Hills.
1387
01:10:15,687 --> 01:10:20,455
If Dr. Lawrence Baird answers,
you've got a problem.
1388
01:10:22,125 --> 01:10:23,290
I'm so glad you're here.
1389
01:10:23,292 --> 01:10:26,960
Listen,
I'm tired of this charade.
1390
01:10:26,962 --> 01:10:29,696
Yes? Hello? Dr. Baird's office?
1391
01:10:29,698 --> 01:10:31,664
I have to tell you who it is.
1392
01:10:31,666 --> 01:10:32,665
Is Dr. Baird in?
1393
01:10:32,667 --> 01:10:34,299
I'm going to kill Michaels!
1394
01:10:34,301 --> 01:10:36,467
When did you find out?
1395
01:10:36,469 --> 01:10:38,335
-Just now!
-Who told you?
1396
01:10:38,337 --> 01:10:40,870
Who cares?
Some doctor from Chicago.
1397
01:10:40,872 --> 01:10:41,804
He's telling everybody!
1398
01:10:41,806 --> 01:10:44,039
I thought I was
the only one who knew!
1399
01:10:44,041 --> 01:10:45,206
You knew? How?
1400
01:10:45,208 --> 01:10:50,577
-I mean, I was there.
-Where?
1401
01:10:50,579 --> 01:10:53,413
Do I have to give you
all the sordid details?
1402
01:10:53,415 --> 01:10:55,915
You can tell
Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1403
01:10:55,917 --> 01:10:58,050
that Dr. Lawrence Baird called!
1404
01:10:58,052 --> 01:10:59,735
I deserve it.
1405
01:10:59,736 --> 01:11:01,419
Mostly in hotel rooms,
twice at his house...
1406
01:11:01,422 --> 01:11:04,556
and once--I can't believe
I'm telling you this--
1407
01:11:04,558 --> 01:11:06,241
on his desk.
1408
01:11:06,242 --> 01:11:07,925
What, for Christ's sakes,
are you talking about?
1409
01:11:07,928 --> 01:11:11,963
Michaels. He's the one I've
been having the affair with.
1410
01:11:17,069 --> 01:11:21,571
You've been having an affair
with Harvey Michaels?
1411
01:11:21,573 --> 01:11:26,008
Isn't that what
you were talking about?
1412
01:11:29,113 --> 01:11:33,248
They say
I'm doing my radio show.
1413
01:11:41,190 --> 01:11:46,760
Thanks for watching the phones.
Any calls?
1414
01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:04,109
This what you looking for, Doc?
1415
01:12:04,111 --> 01:12:06,111
Your one-way ticket
to Mexico City?
1416
01:12:06,113 --> 01:12:07,679
That was just--
1417
01:12:07,680 --> 01:12:09,246
What happened
to partners in crime?
1418
01:12:09,249 --> 01:12:10,448
Honor among thieves?
1419
01:12:10,450 --> 01:12:13,083
You don't want to skip
south of the border with me?
1420
01:12:13,085 --> 01:12:14,818
Maybe I don't want
to team up...
1421
01:12:14,820 --> 01:12:18,321
with an asshole
with one bad hand.
1422
01:12:48,352 --> 01:12:52,120
-Do you want me to pay?
-Pay him! Pay him!
1423
01:12:52,122 --> 01:12:54,589
-We can settle it.
-Give him the money!
1424
01:12:54,591 --> 01:12:57,592
Come on, come on,
we're gonna miss the plane!
1425
01:13:48,510 --> 01:13:52,211
You're not dressed yet?
We're going to be late.
1426
01:13:52,213 --> 01:13:53,645
They'll wait for you, Doctor.
1427
01:13:53,647 --> 01:13:58,416
I guess so.
I'm the prime attraction.
1428
01:13:59,252 --> 01:14:03,053
Have you seen Becker?
He disappeared on me.
1429
01:14:03,055 --> 01:14:06,723
Win a few, lose a few, Doctor.
1430
01:14:06,725 --> 01:14:10,026
What is it now
with this "Doctor"?
1431
01:14:10,028 --> 01:14:12,928
You are a real doctor,
aren't you?
1432
01:14:12,930 --> 01:14:15,229
Dr. Lawrence Baird?
1433
01:14:17,766 --> 01:14:19,766
Who told you?
1434
01:14:20,268 --> 01:14:23,235
The real Dr. Baird. He called.
1435
01:14:23,237 --> 01:14:25,036
Don't worry.
1436
01:14:25,038 --> 01:14:29,806
I didn't give you away.
I covered your ass.
1437
01:14:30,708 --> 01:14:31,673
Why?
1438
01:14:31,675 --> 01:14:36,477
Because I once thought
it was cute.
1439
01:14:37,346 --> 01:14:39,746
The customs people treated you
with such respect...
1440
01:14:39,748 --> 01:14:40,913
and they went through my bag...
1441
01:14:40,915 --> 01:14:44,082
like I was some kind of
a drug dealer, you know?
1442
01:14:44,084 --> 01:14:47,585
First stop, Beverly Hills.
465 North Bedford Drive...
1443
01:14:47,587 --> 01:14:50,921
then the Riviera Country Club.
1444
01:14:57,229 --> 01:14:58,928
Nice rental. Where's Harvey...
1445
01:14:58,930 --> 01:15:00,863
and my box
of green dead presidents?
1446
01:15:00,865 --> 01:15:03,599
They're waiting to be exhumed
in the game room.
1447
01:15:03,601 --> 01:15:04,817
Is he here?
1448
01:15:04,818 --> 01:15:06,034
I thought he was
at some kind of banquet.
1449
01:15:06,036 --> 01:15:09,103
Would you stop following me?
I told you to stay in the cab.
1450
01:15:09,105 --> 01:15:11,638
Driving me crazy.
Would you calm down...
1451
01:15:11,640 --> 01:15:13,406
and act like the doctor
you claim to be?
1452
01:15:13,408 --> 01:15:14,907
At least the police
could identify him--
1453
01:15:14,909 --> 01:15:17,142
I've been telling you
for fourteen hours...
1454
01:15:17,144 --> 01:15:18,977
shut the fuck up
about the cops!
1455
01:15:18,979 --> 01:15:20,745
I'm the one
who's been violated!
1456
01:15:20,747 --> 01:15:22,146
What about my reputation?
1457
01:15:22,148 --> 01:15:24,314
Your reputation
isn't worth ten cents.
1458
01:15:24,316 --> 01:15:26,416
My reputation's
a million-dollar industry!
1459
01:15:26,418 --> 01:15:29,085
It'll go right down the toilet
if the public finds out...
1460
01:15:29,087 --> 01:15:32,054
some fraud's been doing
my radio show.
1461
01:15:32,056 --> 01:15:34,122
We got to keep things quiet...
1462
01:15:34,124 --> 01:15:36,324
and I've got to get
my $200,000 back.
1463
01:15:36,326 --> 01:15:41,128
I'm calling the cops!
911--it's the same everywhere.
1464
01:15:42,798 --> 01:15:46,099
Sorry, Doctor, but I haven't
traveled five thousand miles...
1465
01:15:46,101 --> 01:15:49,368
to have you fuck up my revenge.
1466
01:16:04,084 --> 01:16:08,186
Grab your balls
for the last time.
1467
01:16:11,490 --> 01:16:13,256
Help!
1468
01:16:18,295 --> 01:16:20,261
I'm in Dr. Maitlin's office!
1469
01:16:20,263 --> 01:16:24,664
Here's your money
and here's your contract.
1470
01:16:25,099 --> 01:16:27,833
Just think of it
as your blood test.
1471
01:16:27,835 --> 01:16:29,434
I never get married
on an empty stomach.
1472
01:16:29,436 --> 01:16:32,537
Let me bark down some steamed
puffed chicken rolls...
1473
01:16:32,539 --> 01:16:34,272
some boiled peas,
I'll speed-read this...
1474
01:16:34,274 --> 01:16:35,840
and get back to you
with some addendums.
1475
01:16:35,842 --> 01:16:37,641
Fair enough. By the way,
I want you to know...
1476
01:16:37,643 --> 01:16:39,643
I didn't even take out
the money I advanced you.
1477
01:16:39,645 --> 01:16:44,046
-Now, you know why?
-Because it's not your money.
1478
01:16:44,048 --> 01:16:49,784
This is a serious breach
of professional ethics!
1479
01:16:51,020 --> 01:16:55,889
Are you there?
Are you there, you rat?
1480
01:16:55,891 --> 01:17:01,493
Help! Anybody, help!
1481
01:17:01,495 --> 01:17:04,395
Please help me!
1482
01:17:06,399 --> 01:17:08,182
It's about time.
1483
01:17:08,183 --> 01:17:09,966
Who are you, and what are you
doing in Dr. Baird's closet?
1484
01:17:09,969 --> 01:17:11,702
-I'm Dr. Baird.
-Sure, you are.
1485
01:17:11,704 --> 01:17:14,071
That's how come
you're locked in his closet.
1486
01:17:14,073 --> 01:17:16,406
-I'm calling the cops.
-Good.
1487
01:17:16,408 --> 01:17:22,477
...true paranoid is the one
in possession of all the facts.
1488
01:17:22,479 --> 01:17:25,213
But the real reason
we're here tonight...
1489
01:17:25,215 --> 01:17:27,582
is to honor
our Dr. George Maitlin...
1490
01:17:27,584 --> 01:17:28,749
and to accept the award...
1491
01:17:28,751 --> 01:17:31,585
a man who's only been with us
for four days...
1492
01:17:31,587 --> 01:17:34,054
How long do these people take?
1493
01:17:34,056 --> 01:17:36,523
How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1494
01:17:36,525 --> 01:17:41,361
Oh. How long it takes
is how long it takes.
1495
01:17:41,363 --> 01:17:43,896
That's not fast enough!
1496
01:17:44,231 --> 01:17:46,631
Freeze, scumbag.
1497
01:17:47,767 --> 01:17:50,534
Get in the closet.
Come on, get in there!
1498
01:17:50,536 --> 01:17:55,204
OK, but you're gonna have to
answer to Dr. Baird about this.
1499
01:17:55,206 --> 01:17:59,841
-I am Dr. Baird!
-Sure, you are.
1500
01:17:59,843 --> 01:18:02,076
I wasn't born yesterday.
1501
01:18:02,078 --> 01:18:05,245
I'm a trained professional,
fella!
1502
01:18:05,514 --> 01:18:09,048
Thank you. Thank you.
1503
01:18:09,316 --> 01:18:15,052
Thank you, Harvey.
Thank you. Thanks very much.
1504
01:18:16,989 --> 01:18:19,956
Not here. Go around back.
1505
01:18:19,958 --> 01:18:23,125
...to try to fill
the shoes of a man...
1506
01:18:23,127 --> 01:18:27,729
who has made therapy
a household name.
1507
01:18:31,167 --> 01:18:35,468
Some may say, "Why does therapy
have to take such a long time?"
1508
01:18:35,470 --> 01:18:37,403
To them I say,
there's nothing...
1509
01:18:37,405 --> 01:18:39,972
that can be done
in a short time...
1510
01:18:39,974 --> 01:18:45,944
that can't be done
just as well in a long time.
1511
01:18:49,149 --> 01:18:52,650
Thank you and--wait a minute.
1512
01:18:52,652 --> 01:18:54,918
Oh, boy. You're not
gonna believe this.
1513
01:18:54,920 --> 01:18:55,985
I left that wallet...
1514
01:18:55,987 --> 01:18:59,288
in the other taxi,
the one we took from the air--
1515
01:18:59,857 --> 01:19:03,191
If Dr. George Maitlin
could have been here tonight...
1516
01:19:03,193 --> 01:19:07,028
he would be most, most
honored with this award...
1517
01:19:07,030 --> 01:19:11,899
and he would thank you
for this honor, but...
1518
01:19:15,237 --> 01:19:16,936
You're supposed
to be in London.
1519
01:19:16,938 --> 01:19:18,871
We were gonna tour
the countryside...
1520
01:19:18,873 --> 01:19:21,206
but Vera decided
she wanted to come back...
1521
01:19:21,208 --> 01:19:22,907
to fuck you again.
1522
01:19:22,909 --> 01:19:25,542
You know,
you're not feeling well, and--
1523
01:19:25,544 --> 01:19:27,277
Let's not talk about that
right now.
1524
01:19:27,279 --> 01:19:29,045
-Let's talk about money.
-Money?
1525
01:19:29,047 --> 01:19:31,914
You gave my money
to the wrong man!
1526
01:19:31,916 --> 01:19:34,616
He's the perfect choice.
The ratings have soared.
1527
01:19:34,618 --> 01:19:36,217
You shithead! That's not Baird!
1528
01:19:36,219 --> 01:19:37,851
If you go out there
in this condition...
1529
01:19:37,853 --> 01:19:41,687
everyone will know
the kind of man you really are.
1530
01:19:41,689 --> 01:19:44,790
You're right.
We don't want that.
1531
01:19:44,792 --> 01:19:50,861
Now, some of you may say
that this is a materialistic...
1532
01:19:50,863 --> 01:19:53,630
Good evening, I'm here to--
1533
01:19:53,632 --> 01:19:56,599
I'm sorry.
This is by invitation only.
1534
01:19:56,601 --> 01:19:59,435
I'm Dr. Baird.
1535
01:19:59,437 --> 01:20:00,302
Excuse me?
1536
01:20:00,304 --> 01:20:04,706
Madame,
I am Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1537
01:20:04,708 --> 01:20:06,541
I don't think so.
1538
01:20:06,543 --> 01:20:08,943
I assure you, I am Dr. Baird.
1539
01:20:08,945 --> 01:20:10,444
I'm a legitimate
psychiatrist...
1540
01:20:10,446 --> 01:20:14,413
and this is a legitimate
psychiatrist's dinner!
1541
01:20:14,415 --> 01:20:15,647
Let's just calm down.
1542
01:20:15,649 --> 01:20:18,282
I'm perfectly calm,
I assure you.
1543
01:20:18,284 --> 01:20:21,118
Be a psychiatrist.
1544
01:20:21,120 --> 01:20:24,987
You won't have
to wash your hands as much!
1545
01:20:25,122 --> 01:20:26,955
No trouble.
No trouble whatsoever.
1546
01:20:26,957 --> 01:20:29,457
I'm perfectly calm.
Don't touch me.
1547
01:20:29,459 --> 01:20:30,925
Get your hands off me!
1548
01:20:30,927 --> 01:20:34,495
My goodness,
what do we have here?
1549
01:20:34,897 --> 01:20:37,297
-Where's my money?
-Don't worry about the money.
1550
01:20:37,299 --> 01:20:38,298
As soon as the dinner's over...
1551
01:20:38,300 --> 01:20:39,599
we'll get Baird,
or whatever his name is...
1552
01:20:39,601 --> 01:20:41,767
we'll take him outside,
we'll grab the briefcase...
1553
01:20:41,769 --> 01:20:43,435
-with the cash.
-Cash?!
1554
01:20:43,437 --> 01:20:44,770
You paid him cash?
1555
01:20:44,771 --> 01:20:46,104
You told me never
to pay anybody in cash!
1556
01:20:46,106 --> 01:20:47,905
It's the only way
he would take the job...
1557
01:20:47,907 --> 01:20:49,273
and so far,
he's worth every penny.
1558
01:20:49,275 --> 01:20:54,610
I'll kill him!
And when I get finished...
1559
01:20:54,612 --> 01:20:57,645
if there are
any bullets left...
1560
01:20:58,147 --> 01:21:00,147
On your desk.
1561
01:21:00,149 --> 01:21:03,316
Thank you. You have been
a beautiful audience.
1562
01:21:03,318 --> 01:21:06,886
Quick! He's getting away!
1563
01:21:07,288 --> 01:21:09,588
-Hurry!
-Crowd, clear, please!
1564
01:21:09,590 --> 01:21:11,473
Crowd, clear, please!
1565
01:21:11,474 --> 01:21:13,357
Watch your stuffed
chicken rolls, folks. Parking!
1566
01:21:13,360 --> 01:21:18,128
...be arresting the fake!
I'm Dr. Baird! Listen to me!
1567
01:21:18,130 --> 01:21:23,900
I am Dr. Baird! I am--
1568
01:21:26,938 --> 01:21:31,006
Be on back to my office
on Monday. See you later!
1569
01:21:41,017 --> 01:21:42,016
When do we board?
1570
01:21:42,018 --> 01:21:43,517
-Fifteen minutes.
-Thanks.
1571
01:21:43,519 --> 01:21:44,451
...that has developed here.
1572
01:21:44,453 --> 01:21:46,453
Because of the difficulty
of the access...
1573
01:21:46,455 --> 01:21:48,188
to the Hollywood sign,
it's going to take...
1574
01:21:48,190 --> 01:21:49,656
a coordination
of Herculean effort...
1575
01:21:49,658 --> 01:21:51,357
on the part of all three
of these departments...
1576
01:21:51,359 --> 01:21:52,658
to deal with the problem.
As you can see...
1577
01:21:52,660 --> 01:21:55,560
an unidentified man has climbed
to the top of the "Y".
1578
01:21:55,562 --> 01:21:56,894
Continental announces...
1579
01:21:56,896 --> 01:21:59,463
the boarding of flight 45
to Mexico City.
1580
01:21:59,465 --> 01:22:01,565
You just don't have
your thinking cap on.
1581
01:22:01,567 --> 01:22:03,567
We don't want
to go public with this.
1582
01:22:03,569 --> 01:22:07,237
The pens from my office!
My jellybeans!
1583
01:22:07,239 --> 01:22:08,371
Your eye's not on the sparrow.
1584
01:22:08,373 --> 01:22:11,073
-I want my $200,000!
-It's deductible.
1585
01:22:11,075 --> 01:22:13,141
It's a legitimate
business expense.
1586
01:22:13,143 --> 01:22:15,243
We're talking, what,
72.5% of that.
1587
01:22:15,245 --> 01:22:18,913
Then I want my $145,000!
My antique lighter!
1588
01:22:18,915 --> 01:22:20,748
And you say he's not a crook!
1589
01:22:20,750 --> 01:22:22,082
You made a commitment.
1590
01:22:22,084 --> 01:22:24,551
And remember, in this town,
your word's your bond.
1591
01:22:24,553 --> 01:22:26,252
Let's not forget Balzac
when he said...
1592
01:22:26,254 --> 01:22:28,354
"A man's reputation
is like a famous painting.
1593
01:22:28,356 --> 01:22:30,422
"Once its authenticity's
questioned, it's never--"
1594
01:22:30,424 --> 01:22:32,857
-Shut up!
-Right.
1595
01:22:32,859 --> 01:22:35,025
We'll have to get back
to you on that...
1596
01:22:35,027 --> 01:22:36,359
if you promise
to come back to us...
1597
01:22:36,361 --> 01:22:38,094
as soon as we get
the picture and the sound.
1598
01:22:38,096 --> 01:22:40,229
As you can see from
our helicopter up in the sky...
1599
01:22:40,231 --> 01:22:41,430
we're getting
a very clear picture now.
1600
01:22:41,432 --> 01:22:43,432
The man seems to be dressed
all in black...
1601
01:22:43,434 --> 01:22:47,401
in some sort of ministerial
suit of clothing.
1602
01:22:47,403 --> 01:22:49,035
Late word has come in.
1603
01:22:49,037 --> 01:22:52,038
The man's name is Donald Becker.
One Donald Becker.
1604
01:22:52,040 --> 01:22:54,240
If there is a relative
out there...
1605
01:22:54,242 --> 01:22:56,259
who knows Donald Becker...
1606
01:22:56,260 --> 01:22:58,277
could you please make your way
to the Hollywood sign?
1607
01:22:58,279 --> 01:22:59,411
Perhaps you could, uh...
1608
01:22:59,413 --> 01:23:02,347
I'm doing this for you, Baird!
1609
01:23:02,349 --> 01:23:05,216
Please don't do this.
1610
01:23:05,218 --> 01:23:07,551
Please don't do this to me.
1611
01:23:07,553 --> 01:23:10,387
Where are you now?
1612
01:23:10,389 --> 01:23:13,156
In first class.
1613
01:23:22,299 --> 01:23:26,234
I've never seen
such a mass of chaos in my life.
1614
01:23:26,236 --> 01:23:28,069
We'll cut to the copter
in the air...
1615
01:23:28,071 --> 01:23:29,970
to see if they can pick it up.
1616
01:23:29,972 --> 01:23:33,073
He seems to be saying "Baird."
1617
01:23:33,075 --> 01:23:36,142
Where is he?
Where is he?
1618
01:23:36,144 --> 01:23:37,443
Where's who?
1619
01:23:37,445 --> 01:23:39,478
It's only money.
It's only money.
1620
01:23:39,480 --> 01:23:41,079
You can cash in
on his momentum.
1621
01:23:41,081 --> 01:23:42,413
You don't want to blow that.
1622
01:23:42,415 --> 01:23:45,082
That looks like
Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1623
01:23:45,084 --> 01:23:46,250
You crook!
1624
01:23:46,251 --> 01:23:47,417
...recently on the radio.
Dr. Baird...
1625
01:23:47,419 --> 01:23:49,752
there's a rumor that
this man is your patient.
1626
01:23:49,754 --> 01:23:51,920
Is this true, and if so,
how does it reflect...
1627
01:23:51,922 --> 01:23:53,738
on your treatment of him?
1628
01:23:53,739 --> 01:23:55,555
Badly, but maybe he won't live
to spread the word.
1629
01:23:55,558 --> 01:23:57,157
Thank you.
That was Dr. Lawrence Baird...
1630
01:23:57,159 --> 01:23:59,759
noted radio psychiatrist.
My goodness.
1631
01:23:59,761 --> 01:24:02,561
Looks like Dr. Baird has taken
Captain Goldblatt's horse!
1632
01:24:02,563 --> 01:24:03,562
With my money!
1633
01:24:03,564 --> 01:24:07,298
-Isn't anybody--
-I'll stop him!
1634
01:24:09,902 --> 01:24:11,635
Good shot.
1635
01:24:11,637 --> 01:24:14,470
-Where are we going?
-Guess!
1636
01:24:17,341 --> 01:24:20,842
Are you Dr. Baird?
It's an honor to meet you.
1637
01:24:20,844 --> 01:24:23,077
Listen, I have got
to get up to the "Y."
1638
01:24:23,079 --> 01:24:24,311
My wife heard you on the air.
1639
01:24:24,313 --> 01:24:27,180
When she finds out
I met you in person--
1640
01:24:27,182 --> 01:24:30,416
Listen, Doc, actually, I got
a little problem with her.
1641
01:24:30,418 --> 01:24:31,450
For the last few months--
1642
01:24:31,452 --> 01:24:33,285
We should really
talk about this later.
1643
01:24:33,287 --> 01:24:35,754
She likes to come home Friday,
put on my uniform--
1644
01:24:35,756 --> 01:24:38,356
Is that the only way out?
Is there any other way out?
1645
01:24:38,358 --> 01:24:39,657
It's not like she's kinky,
either.
1646
01:24:39,659 --> 01:24:41,091
I think she just wants
to be me.
1647
01:24:41,093 --> 01:24:43,626
Look, I am responsible
for this guy, and--
1648
01:24:43,628 --> 01:24:45,828
She runs around
writing parking tickets.
1649
01:24:45,830 --> 01:24:47,696
She tries to pee standing up.
1650
01:24:47,698 --> 01:24:48,830
Well, I'll see what I can do.
1651
01:24:48,832 --> 01:24:50,998
I'll put my mind
to a solution to your problem...
1652
01:24:51,000 --> 01:24:53,333
and see if we can't
come up with something...
1653
01:24:53,335 --> 01:24:54,968
but I have to go.
1654
01:24:54,969 --> 01:24:56,602
Yeah, but, Doc, I really
need your advice on this--
1655
01:24:56,604 --> 01:24:59,371
Got a session down here now.
See you after.
1656
01:24:59,373 --> 01:25:01,806
Just in case
you don't make it...
1657
01:25:01,808 --> 01:25:02,873
Later. We'll talk later.
1658
01:25:02,875 --> 01:25:06,509
I really will
think about it, though.
1659
01:25:07,879 --> 01:25:09,445
It's you.
1660
01:25:09,447 --> 01:25:11,980
Decided to come back, have you?
1661
01:25:11,982 --> 01:25:15,183
Besides, I thought you were
on your way to Mexico.
1662
01:25:15,185 --> 01:25:20,020
What happened--my fatal
attraction lured you back?
1663
01:25:20,022 --> 01:25:24,390
This is a fitting setting
for our reunion.
1664
01:25:24,392 --> 01:25:26,859
Where's your unicycle
and your umbrella?
1665
01:25:26,861 --> 01:25:31,462
I've seen trained bears
do better wire acts.
1666
01:25:34,200 --> 01:25:35,365
I can't see my money.
1667
01:25:35,367 --> 01:25:36,799
Maybe he gave it
to someone to hold.
1668
01:25:36,801 --> 01:25:38,967
Cool it about the money.
There's TV here.
1669
01:25:38,969 --> 01:25:40,201
You want
the whole world to know?
1670
01:25:40,203 --> 01:25:41,669
He could fall,
and we'd never find it.
1671
01:25:41,671 --> 01:25:43,971
You're a doctor.
Act concerned.
1672
01:25:43,973 --> 01:25:45,872
You don't think I'm concerned?
1673
01:25:45,874 --> 01:25:50,176
You give away my $200,000
and sleep with my wife?
1674
01:25:50,178 --> 01:25:51,644
I'm concerned.
1675
01:25:51,646 --> 01:25:54,146
Quiet.
A man's life is at stake.
1676
01:25:54,148 --> 01:25:57,182
Guess whose.
1677
01:25:57,184 --> 01:26:00,518
As I've said, I've been at
numerous crisis situations...
1678
01:26:00,520 --> 01:26:05,523
but never one where the parking
was just so terrible.
1679
01:26:18,137 --> 01:26:20,504
Hold on. Hang on.
1680
01:26:24,609 --> 01:26:26,875
That's it.
1681
01:26:28,778 --> 01:26:30,043
Why did you come back?
1682
01:26:30,045 --> 01:26:33,346
I'm still trying
to figure that out.
1683
01:26:33,348 --> 01:26:36,382
-Scared, Doctor?
-You've got the wrong man.
1684
01:26:36,384 --> 01:26:38,350
You just needed a little help.
1685
01:26:38,352 --> 01:26:39,984
How did you get up here anyway?
1686
01:26:39,986 --> 01:26:42,720
Same way you did, Doc.
1687
01:26:43,389 --> 01:26:46,123
Thanks for thinking of this.
1688
01:26:46,125 --> 01:26:47,808
What do you want?
1689
01:26:47,809 --> 01:26:49,492
What do I want?
What do you want?
1690
01:26:49,495 --> 01:26:51,161
You're the one
who was screaming...
1691
01:26:51,163 --> 01:26:52,495
all over local TV for me.
1692
01:26:52,497 --> 01:26:54,964
I just wanted you
to watch me jump.
1693
01:26:54,966 --> 01:26:56,966
Bullshit. You wanted me here.
1694
01:26:56,968 --> 01:27:01,270
Now I'm here, so let's do it.
1695
01:27:02,373 --> 01:27:06,741
Great. Let's do it.
1696
01:27:06,976 --> 01:27:10,377
-Me first.
-We jump together.
1697
01:27:10,379 --> 01:27:13,146
But before we go, there's
something I gotta tell you.
1698
01:27:13,148 --> 01:27:15,681
Hurry up.
I haven't got all night.
1699
01:27:15,683 --> 01:27:18,316
I was history.
I had in my possession...
1700
01:27:18,318 --> 01:27:23,553
$200,000 in crisp, cold cash.
I was rich.
1701
01:27:24,989 --> 01:27:27,356
You take this key...
1702
01:27:27,358 --> 01:27:31,559
go to the airport,
get my 200,000...
1703
01:27:31,561 --> 01:27:34,662
and start a new life.
1704
01:27:42,037 --> 01:27:43,903
Why did you come back?
1705
01:27:43,905 --> 01:27:46,772
You were wrong
when you said I deserted you...
1706
01:27:46,774 --> 01:27:49,908
but you were right
about the pants.
1707
01:27:50,443 --> 01:27:52,676
Size thirty-eight crazy.
1708
01:27:52,678 --> 01:27:55,879
-What?
-Prison issue.
1709
01:27:55,881 --> 01:27:59,448
The County Correctional
Mental Facility For Men...
1710
01:27:59,450 --> 01:28:01,082
at Cicero, Illinois.
1711
01:28:01,084 --> 01:28:05,786
John William Burns, Jr.,
inmate number 7474505-B...
1712
01:28:05,788 --> 01:28:11,291
current status--
escaped and at large.
1713
01:28:20,768 --> 01:28:22,467
They'll get us.
1714
01:28:22,469 --> 01:28:25,369
We'll live to jump again.
1715
01:28:56,768 --> 01:28:58,934
-Cuff him.
-Arrest him, too.
1716
01:28:58,936 --> 01:29:00,268
Dr. Baird? He's the hero.
1717
01:29:00,270 --> 01:29:02,236
That's the nut case
we're taking in.
1718
01:29:02,238 --> 01:29:03,437
He's not Dr. Baird!
1719
01:29:03,439 --> 01:29:05,439
What's in a name?
This man's a hero.
1720
01:29:05,441 --> 01:29:08,475
-Don't be ungracious.
-He stole my money!
1721
01:29:08,477 --> 01:29:10,777
Come, come, we'll talk.
1722
01:29:10,779 --> 01:29:12,945
Here.
You better take back your key.
1723
01:29:12,947 --> 01:29:15,781
Absolutely not. My offer
still stands. You keep it.
1724
01:29:15,783 --> 01:29:19,750
-They're gonna lock me up.
-Don't count on it.
1725
01:29:19,952 --> 01:29:22,118
Sorry about this.
I'm gonna have to take you in.
1726
01:29:22,120 --> 01:29:24,753
That's quite all right.
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
1727
01:29:24,755 --> 01:29:27,288
A nice guy like you?
It's a shame.
1728
01:29:27,290 --> 01:29:30,090
-I quite agree.
-Cuff him, too.
1729
01:29:30,092 --> 01:29:33,693
Listen, Captain,
you don't want him.
1730
01:29:33,695 --> 01:29:36,128
He's not a criminal.
He hasn't done anything wrong.
1731
01:29:36,130 --> 01:29:38,914
I sent him up there.
1732
01:29:38,915 --> 01:29:41,699
It's not his fault.
It's my fault. Let him go.
1733
01:29:44,271 --> 01:29:48,405
You'll still be
on the 11:00 news.
1734
01:29:51,309 --> 01:29:54,009
Release the other guy.
1735
01:29:59,949 --> 01:30:02,783
I want my money!
He took my money!
1736
01:30:02,785 --> 01:30:04,985
You! You! You took my money!
1737
01:30:04,987 --> 01:30:07,120
-Are you Maitlin?
-You're damn right!
1738
01:30:07,122 --> 01:30:09,889
Author of the theory
of psychocerebral equilibrium?
1739
01:30:09,891 --> 01:30:11,290
You better believe it!
1740
01:30:11,292 --> 01:30:12,891
-Garbage!
-Garbage?!
1741
01:30:12,893 --> 01:30:14,459
I'll show you garbage!
1742
01:30:14,461 --> 01:30:16,961
This is no time for violence.
1743
01:30:16,963 --> 01:30:19,730
-Wrong, Harvey!
-Holy shit!
1744
01:30:19,732 --> 01:30:21,498
You let my money get away.
1745
01:30:21,500 --> 01:30:23,633
-But you didn't.
-I'm your friend!
1746
01:30:23,635 --> 01:30:26,969
You banged my wife
for a year and a half...
1747
01:30:26,971 --> 01:30:28,737
on your lousy desk!
1748
01:30:28,739 --> 01:30:31,740
The desk
is a signed Julian Schnabel!
1749
01:30:31,742 --> 01:30:32,907
Sign this!
1750
01:30:32,909 --> 01:30:36,677
Jesus! He's got a gun!
Grab him! Get him!
1751
01:30:36,679 --> 01:30:39,246
We have another
late-breaking development.
1752
01:30:39,248 --> 01:30:41,414
Gunshots have erupted beneath
the famed Hollywood sign...
1753
01:30:41,416 --> 01:30:43,082
which recently saw
the thrilling rescue...
1754
01:30:43,084 --> 01:30:46,485
of a deranged patient by radio
psychiatrist Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1755
01:30:46,487 --> 01:30:49,387
The alleged assailant is
allegedly Dr. George Maitlin...
1756
01:30:49,389 --> 01:30:50,921
another Los Angeles
psychiatrist.
1757
01:30:50,923 --> 01:30:52,188
Perhaps we could get
an interview with him.
1758
01:30:52,190 --> 01:30:54,690
Dr. Maitlin, is there
anything you'd like to say?
1759
01:30:54,692 --> 01:30:57,392
-Fuck you!
-That's another first.
1760
01:30:57,394 --> 01:31:00,294
Let's check on two-thirty.
1761
01:31:02,898 --> 01:31:04,697
Doctor.
1762
01:31:04,699 --> 01:31:07,066
I'm Dr. Baird.
1763
01:31:07,068 --> 01:31:09,234
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1764
01:31:09,236 --> 01:31:11,236
I hear you.
1765
01:31:11,237 --> 01:31:13,237
I hear you saying
you're Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1766
01:31:13,240 --> 01:31:16,074
I am Dr. Baird, though.
I really am.
1767
01:31:16,076 --> 01:31:17,408
I'm Dr. Baird.
1768
01:31:17,410 --> 01:31:18,909
I hear you. I really do.
1769
01:31:18,911 --> 01:31:21,411
I hear you saying,
"I am Dr. Baird."
1770
01:31:21,413 --> 01:31:24,113
You're not really
listening to me.
1771
01:31:24,115 --> 01:31:25,914
You think you're hearing
what I'm saying...
1772
01:31:25,916 --> 01:31:27,548
but you're not
really listening.
1773
01:31:27,550 --> 01:31:28,882
I'm Dr. Lawrence Baird.
1774
01:31:28,884 --> 01:31:32,118
I'm a qualified,
accredited psychiatrist...
1775
01:31:32,120 --> 01:31:34,420
and somebody else
has supplanted me.
1776
01:31:34,422 --> 01:31:37,756
Up his thorazine
to 500 milligrams.
1777
01:31:37,758 --> 01:31:41,092
Another evaluation for you,
Dr. Smet.
1778
01:31:41,094 --> 01:31:43,060
-Amazing.
-What, sir?
1779
01:31:43,062 --> 01:31:46,663
How many psychiatrists
we're getting these days.
1780
01:31:54,038 --> 01:31:56,971
-What?
-I'm Dr. Smet.
1781
01:31:59,208 --> 01:32:01,708
I'm not sick.
1782
01:32:04,612 --> 01:32:08,280
I just need space.
1783
01:32:39,912 --> 01:32:43,847
And the moon
lights up the night
1784
01:32:43,849 --> 01:32:47,449
My eyes light up
when you call my name
1785
01:32:47,451 --> 01:32:49,801
I get a fever--
1786
01:32:49,802 --> 01:32:52,152
Hey, Houdini, let's go.
You're going to Lompoc.
1787
01:32:52,155 --> 01:32:55,589
You give me fever
1788
01:32:57,826 --> 01:33:00,760
See you later,
fellow timesters.
1789
01:33:00,762 --> 01:33:02,862
Good luck.
1790
01:33:04,532 --> 01:33:07,366
You'll be glad to know
that the horror stories...
1791
01:33:07,368 --> 01:33:09,968
about Lompoc prison
aren't really true.
1792
01:33:09,970 --> 01:33:11,419
Good.
1793
01:33:11,420 --> 01:33:12,869
I mean, they got rid
of most of the rats.
1794
01:33:12,872 --> 01:33:15,606
The number of knife attacks
is way down...
1795
01:33:15,608 --> 01:33:20,944
as are the cases of ptomaine
poisoning and gang rape.
1796
01:33:20,946 --> 01:33:22,629
I'm glad to hear it.
1797
01:33:22,630 --> 01:33:24,313
I mean, they haven't had
a really nasty death...
1798
01:33:24,316 --> 01:33:27,817
there in at least a week.
1799
01:33:27,819 --> 01:33:30,219
-Nice.
-Hey.
1800
01:33:30,221 --> 01:33:32,487
Frank, a little trouble ahead.
1801
01:33:32,489 --> 01:33:37,724
33 David, we got a 902T
at Pacific Coast Highway...
1802
01:33:37,726 --> 01:33:40,293
and Decker Canyon. Send rescue.
1803
01:33:46,567 --> 01:33:50,268
There's a woman
trapped in there!
1804
01:34:06,151 --> 01:34:07,483
Hey, what's going on?
1805
01:34:07,485 --> 01:34:11,186
Frank, stop that van!
Stop, or I'll shoot!
1806
01:34:11,188 --> 01:34:14,388
You're under arrest! Stop!
1807
01:34:16,992 --> 01:34:20,659
You didn't say they were
gonna be shooting at us!
1808
01:34:20,661 --> 01:34:23,695
Welcome to life on the lam!
1809
01:34:23,697 --> 01:34:25,763
Hold still
while I get these off.
1810
01:34:25,765 --> 01:34:28,899
You really are everything
a guy could want.
1811
01:34:28,901 --> 01:34:31,534
-Shit!
-What? What's wrong?
1812
01:34:31,536 --> 01:34:33,168
The Freon's not working!
1813
01:34:33,170 --> 01:34:35,203
Who planned this disaster,
anyway?
1814
01:34:35,205 --> 01:34:36,237
-She did.
-He did!
1815
01:34:36,239 --> 01:34:40,307
The gods of transportation
have been kind to us.
1816
01:34:46,547 --> 01:34:49,015
-Put this on.
-How?
1817
01:34:49,017 --> 01:34:51,017
Over your shoulders. Good.
1818
01:34:51,019 --> 01:34:52,852
Just call me the wild one.
1819
01:34:52,853 --> 01:34:54,686
-Good luck, boys.
-You're not coming with us?
1820
01:34:54,689 --> 01:34:55,988
This is it for me.
1821
01:34:55,990 --> 01:34:57,356
But I don't want you.
1822
01:34:57,358 --> 01:34:59,291
I want the girl.
This isn't fair.
1823
01:34:59,293 --> 01:35:00,659
Life isn't fair. Hop on.
1824
01:35:00,661 --> 01:35:03,695
But I don't want to escape
with you. I hate you.
1825
01:35:03,697 --> 01:35:05,963
I can accept that.
1826
01:35:10,902 --> 01:35:12,301
This hog can kick ass!
1827
01:35:12,303 --> 01:35:15,304
Can outrun any cop car
built since '71!
1828
01:35:15,306 --> 01:35:17,005
Where did you get
this bike, anyway?
1829
01:35:17,007 --> 01:35:20,041
I dipped into petty cash--
your briefcase!
1830
01:35:20,043 --> 01:35:21,142
I take back everything...
1831
01:35:21,144 --> 01:35:23,511
I ever said about you!
You really are crazy!
1832
01:35:23,513 --> 01:35:25,646
How far do you think
we're gonna get on this thing?
1833
01:35:25,648 --> 01:35:28,682
-To Monte Carlo.
-On a motorcycle?
1834
01:35:28,684 --> 01:35:31,217
No! On Harvey's yacht!
1835
01:35:31,219 --> 01:35:35,721
There are worse things
than being crazy!
144059
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