All language subtitles for Everybody.Loves.Raymond.S01E06.Frank.the.Writer.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BS

- Come on in.

This is great, you know.
You really got to meet debra.

- I could've
signed the book for you

At the store, you know.

- Yeah, but she's a big
basketball fan.

Come on, this will be fun,
come on.

- Jeez,
maybe I should just leave

A signed basketball
or something.

- No, no, no.
This will be great.

Watch this.

Deb, deb--

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Who's your favorite basketball
player of all time?

- Michael jordan.

- No, no, no, no.

Retired,
retired basketball player?

- Oh, larry bird.

- He played for the lakers.

- Wilt chamberlain.

- You know,
this isn't my house.

That's what it is.

- I want my book back.

- Kareem, come on,
I'll make you something to eat.

Hi, I'm ray.

I live here
in long island

With my wife, debra--

My five-year-old daughter--

And twin
almost-two-year-old boys.

My parents live
across the street.

That's right.

The truth is,
I'd do anything for my family.

And--done.

- Did you hear
howie simon's son

Sold one of those funny little
anecdotes to "reader's digest"?

- Yeah, okay, good.
Good for him.

- That's $50.

- Yeah?

- So why can't you
do something like that?

- Dad, I'm a writer, dad.

The newspaper pays me
to write full-time.

- Look, I'm not talking
about the sports column;

That's great.

I'm talking on the side.

- Funny anecdotes
on the side?

- Yeah, that's free money
for you.

- Okay.

- Here.
Lamb chops.

- Aw, mom, I got dinner!
She's cooking--

All right, one.

Look, dad,
thanks for the advice,

But I'm not writing anything
for "reader's digest."

You can afford
to turn down extra cash?

I'm talking
on the side.

- Oh, the mint jelly.
Yeah, yeah. Hold on.

Here,
right here.

- We're talking
the "digest" here, ray.

You know the kind of talent

It takes to take a novel
like this--

And put it
on a page and a half?

That's writing.

- All right,
enough already, dad.

Look, if you like
the magazine so much,

Why don't you go write
something for it yourself?

- What do you mean?

- Yeah, he's right.

Why don't you get off your
rear end and do it yourself?

I think
it's a very good idea.

- You do?
- Uh-huh.

- I tell you what;

I'm going to go home
and fake hunger.

- Oh.

- Give me that chop.

- The "reader's digest."

They do have some funny stuff
in there. Heh, heh, heh.

[laughs]

[howls with laughter]

[show on tv] if you're happy
and you know it,

Clap your hands.
[clapping]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, oh, boy,
what are we watching?

- Oh, "we sing in sillyville."

Hey, guess what?

It's on mornings
and evenings now.

Twice the silly.

- Yay!
- Oh, yeah.

- [singing] there goes john
jacob jingleheimer schmidt.

Da-da-da-da-da!

- Okay.
We have to cancel cable.

- Yeah.

Okay, go up
and get your jammies on.

Uh, ray?

- Yeah?

- Robert's still here.

- Oh, hey, robert,
what're you doing here?

- I had a suspicion
I need to confirm.

- Robert, what's wrong?

- I don't think michael
likes me anymore.

- What are you
talking about?

- He's not like geoffrey.

He seems standoffish.

- You know michael's
a baby, right?

- It's just a feeling.

Cop's instinct.

He wants nothing to do
with me.

- Attention, everybody.

Guess who is now
a published writer.

- Who?
- What are you talking about?

- Today the mailman
brought me fame and fortune.

The "reader's digest."

Over 27 million copies
sold in 19 languages.

And all around the world,
each and every reader

Will now open to page 64,

The "humor in uniform"
section.

Well, what are you
waiting for?

- Let's see here.

- Ah, oh, my.
- How did that happen?

Did you know, ma?

Did you know
he was doing this?

- Please.

You think he could
get this done by himself?

The man can't
wipe his own chin.

- Marie was
my little typist.

- Don't call me
your little typist.

- So, uh, why don't you
read it out loud, ray?

- No, no, we don't--
that's not necessary, dad.

We'll read it.
- No, no, come on.

You have such a nice
speaking voice.

- "throughout our first week
of basic training"--

- Louder and funnier.

- "our drill sergeant"--
- stand up. Stand up.

- Aw, come on.

- Up, up, up, up.

There you go.
There you go.

- "our drill sergeant
stressed to us

"the importance
of addressing all officers

With what he called
a sir sandwich--"

[laughs]

- "sir, yes, sir;

"sir, I don't know, sir;
and the like.

"a few days later, a colonel
approached me in the motor pool

"and asked
what I was working on.

"using the sir sandwich,
I said,

"sir, checking the oil, sir,
in these jeeps, sir,

"and, sir,
checking the tires, sir.

"the colonel
laughed and said,

"private, I appreciate
your respect,

But I don't need
a sir club sandwich."

- [laughs]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

True story.

Hey, ray,
what do you think?

- Oh, it's a classic, dad.

- And that's not all.
Look at this.

A check for $300.
- Ooh!

- I'd frame it,
but then I couldn't take

My little typist
out for a fancy dinner.

- [laughing]

Every time you call me that,

It's going to cost you
300 bucks.

- Michael
threw his milk at me.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Isn't that great?

That could be
my second story.

The "digest" loves
a naughty baby.

"teenage boys
can be shy and awkward.

"their voices crack,
their skin breaks out,

"and they're afraid
of anything in a dress.

This was especially true
for my son roy."

- Dad, you're
writing about me.

- It says "roy."

- Oh, thanks, dod.

- Hey, look,

I'm using what we call
artistic license there.

Sure, I'm writing
about my kid,

But it's got to come off
like anybody's kid.

You see, I have to write
as the everyman.

- You're the everyman?

- Right.

It's got to mean something
to debra and marie,

The guy in snowbound sweden
looking for a laugh.

- Oh, especially him.
Yeah, okay.

Look, dad, I got a column due
in about an hour, all right?

So I'm going to see you.
Okay.

- "roy,
being a typical teenager,

"was besieged
by raging hormones--

Making it difficult for him to
keep his mind on his studies."

- Oh, my god.

- Ooh,
he's the everyman.

- Can you imagine?

Can you imagine if every man
was frank barone?

- Nope.

- Boy, wouldn't
sizzler love that?

- Yeah.

- Do me a favor.

Please, keep everyman
out of here.

- How am I supposed
to do that?

- How fast can you make
a pot roast?

- So what's the column about,
ray?

- Oh--

- Got to go.

- No!

It's the giants, dad.

- Go on. Go on.
Don't let me bother you.

This is the toughest part,
isn't it?

- What?

- That.
The blank page.

It just sits there
and mocks you, dares you--

- Annoys you.
Bothers you.

- I guess so.
Well, go on, write.

Conquer the blank page.

I'm not even here.

Shouldn't you indent?

- Dad, don't you want
to get started

On that story
about the twins?

- No rush.
It's fermenting.

- Well, don't let it go bad
in there, dad.

Come on.
Go, go.

Run.
Run with it.

I'm asking you, dad,
as a proud parent.

Run.

- I guess you're right,
you know.

I got to go get started.

- Yeah, okay.

- You know, ray,

When I retired,
I thought, "well, this is it."

You know, I--sometimes
I just sit there saying,

"I got nothing left."

But with
this writing thing,

It's like I got
a whole new lease on life.

I--I can't describe it.

It's like, for the first time
in a whole lot of years,

I feel good.

- That's--
that's good, dad.

That's nice.
I--I'm glad.

- Well, I got you
to thank for it.

You're a writer.
- Yeah.

- I look at you,
and I see what I had in me.

Hey, you know,

Now we know where
your talent comes from.

So go on.
Show me your chops.

Did you know mark twain
had a son who was a writer?

- You know
what they called him?

- No.
- Choo-choo.

Choo-choo twain!
Ha, ha, ha.

That was
in the "digest."

- Oh, hi, ray.
You hungry?

- No, no.

- Shouldn't you be
at work?

- Yeah, I was, ma,
until dad stopped by.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I'm having lunch
at the paper with the guys,

And he just shows up.

He starts telling us
about writing.

Telling us!

When I left, he was teaching us
about alliteration.

So, fearing my father
the freak,

I fled before
there was a fatality.

- Look at these.
Look at these hands.

I used to make angel hair pasta
with these hands.

And now,
I'm a grease monkey!

- You have to
talk to him, ma.

- No, he doesn't
listen to me.

What, you think
I like doing this?

Oh, I have a life too.

I could be out
learning french.

- Ma, you wouldn't do that.

- We'll never know,
will we?

No, raymond, raymond,
you have to handle this.

This is your problem.

- What are you--
how is it my problem?

What did I do?

- You're the writer.
Huh?

He wants your approval.
Can't you see that?

Just talk
to your father.

Oh, where do you come up
with that stuff, ma?

- Hey, ray,
there you are.

Hey, your friends
are really gung-ho

About that computer stuff.

Personally, I don't see
what they're so excited about.

Maybe it's all that
internet porno.

- Just talk
to your father.

I hope you're happy.
I'm an ink-stained wretch.

- Hey, dad, this whole
writing thing, dad,

I'm--
I'm glad you found it,

Because it's good
to have something.

- You mean the "digest"?

- All right, I'm going
to give you $1,000

If you stop calling it
"the 'digest.'"

- Fair enough.
Testing, testing.

- Listen,
I think it's important

That we're honest here
with each other.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You know,
I'm glad you said that,

Because there's something
I was afraid to ask you.

- What?

[frank sighs]

"frank barone's
I was just thinking."

- Yeah, my thoughts on a bunch
of subjects, you know?

Infomercials--

The new car smell--

Minute rice--
stuff like that.

It's all there.

- Yeah, it is.

Why do I have it?

- Well, you said you wanted
to be honest.

I honestly think this would make
a great column in your paper.

- My paper?

- Yeah, why don't you
pass it on to the editor?

- You want me to show this
to my editor?

- Thank you, ray.

And, uh, tell him--

I look forward
to his feedback.

- Oh, ma!

- [crying]
it doesn't come out.

It doesn't come out!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi, hi.
Listen, I'm going to--

I'm going to be hiding
for the next few months, okay?

So if my father
comes by looking,

You don't know where I am.

- What?

- Listen, you got to run
interference for me, okay?

I'd do the same
with your parents.

- My parents
live in connecticut.

- I'm willing to go.

Matter of fact, he'd never
find me in connecticut.

- Why are we
hiding today, ray?

- Look at that.

- "frank barone's
I was just thinking."

What is this?
- It's his column.

- His column?
- His column.

Yeah, he wants me
to hand it to my editor.

- Oh, you're kidding.

- Look at this.

"the chirp of the cricket has
been replaced by the car alarm.

God only knows what will
replace the car alarm."

What is that?
What could that possibly mean?

Oh, god,
he's out of control.

- "like the smell
of a freshly-painted room

"as much as the next guy,

But in the end,
wallpaper is easier to clean."

Hmm.

- Yeah, all right,
so he's right about that,

But, come on, how can
I hand that to my editor?

He's going
to tear it up.

I think you should let
your editor take a look at that.

- Why? So everyone at work
loses respect for me?

And then I get fired, right?

And then you can
go back to work,

And I stay with the kids.

No, no, no.

I'm not falling for that,
delilah.

- No, no, you take
his name off of it,

And then you submit it
to your editor.

Then he gives you
some honest feedback,

Which you can pass on
to your father,

And all of this will end.

- Hey, that's not bad.
That's not bad.

My editor's
going to hate this.

Aw, I'm doing it.

I'm going to do that.
- Good.

- Oh, tell me the story again
about the parents

That live all the way
in connecticut.

- Once upon a time--
- slower. Slower.

- Once upon a time--

- Louder and funnier.

- Yeah.

- Hey, rob,
thanks for coming over.

Come on in.

- Why?

- I just wanted you to try
playing with michael again.

You know, just give it
one more shot.

- Nah, I don't think so.

- Listen, robert, it just--
it makes me feel terrible

That you think one of your
nephews doesn't like you.

Come on.
Come on in.

Robert, come on.

Sit.
Just sit down.

Yeah, that's not so bad.

It's uncle robbie.

Uncle robbie.
Yeah.

- How you doing?

Hey, michael,

Would you like uncle robert
to read you a story?

Hey, he's not that tough
after all.

"baby bunnies
have such fun.

Bunnies on the hop,
skip, run"--

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look at me and michael.

- You and michael?
No, you mean you and geoff--

[baby talk]

And michael.
Yes, michael.

Yeah, yeah, you got it.
That's michael.

- See?
- Yeah.

[telephone rings]

Hello?
Hey, bill.

Oh, you read the column.

No, no, I didn't write that.
Did not write that.

No, no, I passed that on to you
from a complete stranger guy.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Was that call waiting,
or did a vein pop?

Yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry.

Right.
So very sorry.

Okay,
bye-bye.

Oh, ugly, ugly!

Oh, that was ugly.

- Oh, hi, ray.
How are you, honey?

You hungry?
- No.

- Marie, marie, I got to get
my thoughts down

On "tapioca:
Like it or lump it?"

- Oh, that's enough for today.

I'm going to go lie down--
under the car.

- Hey, ray.

- Hey.

- Hey, what's up?

- Uh, nothing,
nothing.

I, uh--I talked
to my editor today.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- And?

- Well, uh,
I guess the newspaper,

They're not looking
for a columnist right now.

- Well, I--I don't have
to be a "columnist."

I mean, my pieces can run
every so often in the paper.

- Yeah, well, they said
they already got something

Similar to your piece
in--in there.

- Well, what?

What in your paper
is similar to what I wrote?

- In tone; similar in tone
is what he actually said.

- This guy sounds like
he's dodging something.

Is he some kind of
an oddball here?

- He's not an oddball, dad.

Look, it just--
it wasn't for him, that's all.

- Well, what did he say?
What were his exact words?

- I don't know
his exact words.

- What do you mean?

You just spoke to him, and you
can't remember what he said?

- Dad, you don't
want to hear it.

- Don't tell me
what I want to hear

Or what
I don't want to hear!

Tell me what he said!

- He said
it was embarrassing!

- What?

- He said
it was embarrassing.

- Oh.

What else did he say?

- Dad--
- what else did he say?

- He said it was amateurish.

- Really?

- I'm sorry, dad.

- No, no, no, it--
it's okay.

- No, you know what?

You can't trust
what this guy says.

What does he know?
He's an oddball, that guy.

Huh? So what?
You're not in the paper.

You're in the "digest."

- Amateurish?

- 27 million people,
in 19 languages.

In germany and japan
as we speak, dad.

Come on, huh?
Nobody reads newspapers.

- You know, I--
I was feeling so good.

Now I don't know.

- Dad, the "digest." send it in.
Send it to the "digest."

- I did!

They didn't like it either.

That's why I tried
your stupid paper!

- Well, come on, you can't
just give up, dad, huh?

- Aw--
- come on, you still got

All those roy stories
in there.

Come on.
What about everyman?

What happened
to the everyman?

You got all those opinions.

They're just fermenting
in there.

Got to let them out.

Got to let them out, dad,
or you're going to explode.

- You know something?
You're right.

I got opinions.
- That's right.

- Now who can I
share them with?

- Well, come on,
there's always--

- My family.

- I was thinking
guys at the lodge,

And people at bus stops,
and clerks.

- Hey, wait.
Wait, here's one.

"poetry:
Get to the point."

- There you go.

Who could argue with that?
You can't.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"how about those poems
that don't even rhyme?

That is this man's
definition of lazy."

- Ah.

My job is done here.

- "make up your mind,
america.

Is it
off-en or often?"

- Ah, ha!

You're the king
of those.

All right, I'm going to
go run and tell everybody.

- Hey, ray--

What--what did you think
of my column?

- I thought it was great, dad.

- Thanks.

"amish people:

Friend or foe?

- [laughing]

[speaking japanese]

"roy."

[all laughing]

[all laughing uproariously]

"roy."