All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s02e11.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE
GIBBERISH]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

-Ah, Frog.
-S. Frog, sir.

Shut up. I want to have a word
with you, Frog.

It's about
your advertising campaign

for Conquistador Coffee.

I've had the managing director
of Conquistador to see me,

and he's very unhappy
with your campaign.

Very unhappy.

In fact, he's shot himself.

Badly, sir?

No, extremely well.

Well, before he went

he left a note
with the company secretary,

uh,
the effect of which was,

how disappointed he was
with your work,

and in particular,

why you had changed the name
Conquistador Instant Coffee

to Conquistador Instant
Leprosy.

Why, Frog?

-S. Frog, sir.
-Shut up.

Why did you do it?

It was a joke.

A joke?

No, no, not a joke,

um, a sales campaign.

-I see, Frog.
-S. Frog, sir.

Shut up.

Now, let's have a look
at the sales chart.

When you took over
this account, Frog,

Conquistador was brand leader.

Here you introduced
your first campaign:

"Conquistador Coffee

brings a new meaning
to the word 'vomit'"

Here, you made your special
introductory offer,

of a free dead dog
with every jar.

And this followed
your second campaign:

"The tingling fresh coffee

which brings you
exciting new Cholera,

Mange, Sleepwalkia, Dropsy,

The clap, Hard pad
and Athlete's head.

From the House
of Conquistador.”

It was a soft sell, sir.

-Why, Frog?
-S. Frog, sir.

Shut up!

Well?

People know the name,
sir.

They certainly do know the name,
they burnt the factory down.

The owner is hiding
in my bathroom.

[GUNSHOT] -The owner was
hiding in my bathroom.

-You're not gonna fire me, sir?
Fire you?!

Three men dead,
the factory burnt down,

the account lost and our firm
completely bankrupt?

What--?
What can you possibly say?

What excuse
can you possibly make?

Sorry, Father.

Oh, yes.
Oh, incidentally,

um, your film's won a prize.

[0]

[MUSIC SKIPPING]

Sorry about that.

And now for something
completely diff--

Completely diff-- Completely--
Completely diff--

Completely different.

Its...

[0]

ANNOUNCER:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[MUSIC SKIPPING]

NARRATOR: 1929, Stanley Baldwin's
Conservative government

is defeated,
and Ramsay MacDonald becomes,

for the second time,
prime minister of England.

[CLOCK TICKING]

Mm.

Phew!
My, it's hot in here.

Qoh. Ahh.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[WHISTLING]

Hello, come in.

Ah, hello. How much do you
want for the briefcase?

Well, I, uh--
-All right then,

the briefcase
and the umbrella.

A fiver down,
must be my final offer.

I don't really want to sell
them. I've come for a job.

Oh, take a seat,
take a seat.

Thank you.

I see you chose the canvas
chair with the aluminum frame.

I'll throw that in,
and the fiver,

for the briefcase and
umbrella.

No, make it fair, the
briefcase, and the umbrella,

and the two pens
in your breast pocket,

and the chair's yours,
and a fiver,

and a pair of binoculars.

Really,
they're not for sale.

Not for sale?
What does that mean?

I came about the advertisement
for the job of assistant editor.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right.

Uh, okay.

How much are you experienced
in journalism?

-Five years.
-All right.

-Typing speed?
Fifty.

-0 Levels?
Eight.

-A Levels?
-Two.

Right.

00:06:00,280
And the chair, and an all-wool
ex-army sleeping bag,

for the briefcase,
the umbrella,

the pens in your pocket,

and your string vest.

Och, when do I start?

-Monday.
-Oh, that's marvelous.

If you throw in the shoes.

Hello, Ms. Johnson?

Could we have two coffees
and biscuits please?

WOMAN:
One coffee and one biscuit

for the two ex-army
greatcoats,

and the alarm clock
on the mantelpiece.

Two ex-army greatcoats and the
alarm clock and a table lamp,

for two coffees
and biscuits.

Two greatcoats,
and two table lamps.

Two greatcoats, one table lamp
and a desert boat.

For two coffees and biscuits?

-Done.
-Done.

[HUMMING]

[KEYS CLACKING]

NARRATOR: So Ms. Johnson
returned to her typing,

and dreamed
her little dreamy dreams,

unaware as she was
of the cruel trick

fate had in store for her.

For Ms. Johnson
was about to fall victim

of the dreaded international
Chinese Communist conspiracy.

[CHATTERING]

Yes, these fanatical thieves,
under the leadership

of the so-called Mao Zedong,

had caught
Ms. Johnson off guard,

~for one brief, but fatal, moment...
[WHIMPERING]

And destroyed her, just as
they are ready to do any time

to free men anywhere waver
in their defense of democracy.

[GUNSHOTS]

[0]

Yes, once again American defense
proves its effectiveness

against international
communism.

Using this diagram of a tooth
to represent any small country,

we can see how international
COMMUNISM Works,

by eroding away
from the inside.

When one country,
or tooth, falls victim

to international communism,
its neighbors soon follow.

In dentistry, this is known
as the domino theory.

But with American defense, the
decay is stopped before it starts,

and that's why nine out of 10
small countries

choose American defense.

ANNOUNCER: Or Crelm toothpaste, with
the miracle ingredient fraudulin.

The white car represents
Crem toothpaste,

with the miracle ingredient
fraudulin.

The non-white car
represents another toothpaste.

Both toothpastes
provide 30 percent protection.

At 60 percent protection, both
toothpastes are doing well.

And now, at 90 percent
protection the-- Wait!

The non-white car is out,
and Crem toothpaste

goes on to win
with 100 percent protection!

Yes, do like afl smart
motorists,

choose Crelm toothpaste.

ANNOUNCER 2:
Or Shrill Petrol,

with the new additive,
GLC 9424075.

After 6 p.m., 9424047.

Using this white card
to represent engine deposits,

and this black card to represent
Shrill's new additive,

GLC 9424075,
after 6 p.m., 9424077,

we can see
how the engine deposits

are pushed off
the face of the earth,

by the superior forces
available to Shrill--

[GUNSHOT]
-Aah!

Anyway, John, you can catch
the 11:30 from Hornchurch,

and be in Basingstoke by 1:00.

Oh,
and it's a buffet car and--

Oh!

[GASPS] Daddy!

My hat, Sir Horace.

Has he been--?

Yes, after breakfast.

Butit doesn't matter now.
He's dead.

Oh! Poor Daddy.

Looks like I shan't
be catching the 11:30 now.

Oh, no, John,
you mustn't miss your train.

How could I think
of catching a train,

when I should be here
helping you?

Oh, John, thank you.

Anyway, you could always
catch the 9:30 tomorrow.

It goes via Caterham
and Chipstead.

Or the 9:45
is even better.

But you'd have to change
at Lambs Green.

-Yes, but there's only a seven-minute
wait now. -Oh, yes, of course.

Id forgotten
it was Friday.

Oh, who could have
done this?

Oh, do hurry, Sir Horace, your
train leaves in 28 minutes,

and if you don't catch the
10:15, you won't catch the 3:45,

which leaves you to-- Oh!

I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be
catching the 10:15, Lady Partridge.

Has he been--?

Yes, after breakfast.

Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you
can cancel his seat reservation.

Oh, and it was back to the
engine, fourth coach along,

so that he could see
the gradient signs

outside Swanborough.

JOHN: Not anymore,
Lady Partridge.

The line's been closed.

Closed? Not Swanborough?

I'm afraid so.

All right, nobody move.

I'm Inspector Davis
of Scotland Yard.

My word, you were here
quickly, inspector.

I got the 8:55 Pullman Express
from King's Cross,

and missed that bit around
Hornchurch.

-That's a very good train.
-Oh, it's excellent.

Hello, everyone.
-Tony.

Where's Daddy?
Oh, golly!

-Has he been--?
-Yes, after breakfast.

Then he won't be needing
his reservation on the 10:15.

Exactly.

And I suppose, as his eldest
son, it must go to me.

Just a minute, Tony.

There's a small matter
of... murder.

Oh, but surely he simply shot
himself and then hid the gun.

How could anyone shoot himself
and then hide the gun,

without first canceling
his reservation?

Aha...

Well, I must dash
or I'l be late for the 10:15.

I suggest you murdered your
father for his seat reservation.

I may have had
the motive, inspector,

but I could not
have done it.

For I have only just arrived
from Gillingham on the 8:13,

and here's my restaurant car
ticket to prove it.

But the 8:13 from Gillingham
doesn't have a restaurant car.

It's a standing buffet only.

Uh, did I say the 8:13? I meant
the 7:58 stopping train.

But the 7:58 stopping train
arrived at Swindon at 8:19,

owing to annual point maintenance
at Wisborough Junction.

So how did you make the
connection with the 8:13,

which left six minutes
earlier?

Uh, uh... Simple. I caught
the 7:16 Football Special,

arriving at Swindon at 8:09.

But the 7:16 Football Special
only stops at Swindon

on alternate Saturdays.

Yes, surely you mean
the Holidaymaker Special.

Oh, yes. How daft of me.

Of course. I came on
the Holidaymaker Special,

calling at Bedford, Colmworth,

Vendetton, Sutton,
Wallington and Gillingham.

That's Sundays only.

Damn.

Allright, I confess.
did it

I killed him for his
reservation.

But you won't take me alive!

I'm going to throw myself
under the 10:12 from Reading.

Don't be a fool, Tony,
don'tdoit.

The 10:12 has the new narrow
fraction bogies.

You wouldn't
stand a chance.

Exactly.

[0]

ANNOUNCER: That was an excerpt
from the latest West End hit,

It All Happened On the 11:20
From Hainault to Redhill,

Via Horsham and Reigate,
Calling at Carshalton Beaches,

Malmesbury, Tooting Bec
and Croydon West.

The author
is Mr. Neville Shunt.

[IMITATING TRAIN ENGINE
AND WHISTLE]

Train now standing
at platform:

[IMITATING TRAIN ENGINE]

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

RINGING]
-Whoo!

Some people have made the
mistake of seeing Shunt's work

as a load of rubbish about
railway timetables,

but clever people like me, who
talk loudly in restaurants,

see this as
a deliberate ambiguity,

a plea for understanding
in a mechanized world.

The points are frozen.
The beast is dead.

What is the difference?
What, indeed, is the point?

The point is frozen, the beast
is late out of Paddington.

The point is taken.

If La Fontaine's elk

would spurn Tom Jones,

the engine must be our head,

the dining car our esophagus,

the guard's van our left lung,
the cattle truck our shins,

the first-class compartment,

the piece of skin at the nape
of the neck,

and the crossing, an electric
elk called Simon.

The clarity is devastating.

But where is the ambiguity?
It's over there in a box.

Shunt is saying
the 8:15 from Gillingham,

when, in reality, he means
the 8:13 from Gillingham.

The train is the same,
only the time is altered.

Ecce homo, ergo elk.

La Fontaine knew its sister,
and knew her bloody well.

The point is taken, the beast is
molting, the fluff gets up your nose.

The illusion is complete,
it's reality.

Reality is illusion, and the
ambiguity is the only truth.

Butis the truth, as Hitchcock
observes, in the box?

No. There isn't room, the
ambiguity has put on weight.

The point is taken, the elk is
dead, the beast stops at Swindon.

Chabrol stops at nothing,
I'm having treatment,

and La Fontaine
can get knotted.

Gavin Millarrrrrrrrr--

[ROLLING R'S]

was not talking to
Neville Shunt.

From the world of the theater, we
turn to the world of dental hygiene.

No, no, no.

From the world of theater,
we turn to the silver screen.

We honor one of
the silver screen's

outstanding writer-dentists--

Uh, writer-directors.

Martin Curry,
who is visiting London,

to have a tooth--
For the pre-molar--

Premiere of his filling--

Film next Toothday--

Tuesday, at the Dental
Theater

Film Theater.

Martin Curry talking to
Matthew Palate-- Padget.

Martin Curry, welcome.

One of the big teeth

Um, big points that the
American critics made

about your latest film,
The Twelve Caesars,

was that it was
on so all-embracing a topic.

Now, what made you undertake
0 enormous a tusk?

Task!

Well, I've

I've always been interested
in Imperial Rome,

right from Julius Caesar,
right through to Vespasian.

Who?
-Vespasian.

-Oh, Vespasian.
-Yes.

When I saw your film,
it did seem to me

that you had taken a rather,
um, subjective approach to it.

I'm
sorry?

Well, I mean, all your main
characters had these enormous

Well, not enormous,
but uh,

these, um, very big...

Let's have a look at a clip,

in which Julius Incisor--
Caesar.

--talks to his generals

during the battle
against Caractacus.

I don't see that at all.

Shall I order the cavalry

that they may hide themselves
in the wood, O Caesar?

SOLDIERS:
Thus, oh, Caesar.

Today is about to be a triumph
for our native country.

Martin Curry, why do all your
characters have these very big--

Um, very big, uh, teeth?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, even in your
biblical epic, The Son of Man.

John the Baptist had the most
enormous dental appendages,

and, of course, um,

himself had the most
monumental ivories.

No, I'm afraid
I don't see that at all.

Well, um--
-Could I have a straw?

Oh, a straw, yes, yes.

While we're doing that, um,
perhaps we can take another look

at an earlier film,
Trafalgar.

Cover my coat,
Mr. Bush,

the men must not know of this
till victory is ours.

The surgeon's coming, sir.

No, tell the surgeon to attend
the men that can be saved.

He can do little for me,
I fear.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hardy? Hardy?

Sir?

Put your hand
on my thigh.

Ha.

Well, Martin Curry,
thank you.

Well, we asked the
first-night audience

what they thought of
that film.

It wasn't true to life.

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

I thought it was totally
bizarre.

Well, I've been in the city
for over 40 years,

and I think the importance
of looking after poor people

cannot be understressed.

Well, I've been
in the city for 20 years,

and I must admit

I'm lost.

MAN: Well, I've been in
the city all my life,

and I'm as alert
and active as I've ever been.

Well, I've been in the city
since I was two,

and I certainly wouldn't say
that I was stuck in a rut.

Doo-dah, Mr. Bulstrode's
stuck again.

I certainly wouldn't say
that I was stuck in a rut.

Well, I've been
in the city for 30 years,

and I've never once regretted
being a nasty,

greedy, cold-hearted,
avaricious money-grubber.

Conservative.

and I'd like to see the
reintroduction of flogging.

Every Thursday,
‘round my place.

Well, I've been
in the sea for 33 years

and I've never regretted it.

-MAN 1: Neither have I.
-MAN 2: Neither have I.

MAN 1: Yes.

[MEN CHATTERING]

1 think it must be
a naturalist outing.

No.

I think it must be one of
them crackpot religions.

This is an example
of the sort of abuse,

we get all the time
from ignorant people.

I inherited this religion
from my father,

an ex-used-car salesman,

and part-time window box,
and I am very proud

to be in charge of the first
religion with free gifts.

You get this luxury tea trolley
with every new enrollment.

In addition to this,
you can win,

a three-piece lounge suite,

this luxury caravan,

a weekend for two
with Peter Bonetti,

and tonight's star prize,

the entire
Norwich City Council.

[PLAYING FANFARE]

And remember,
with only eight scoring draws,

you can win a bishopric
in a sea of your own choice.

You see, we have a much more
modern approach to religion.

[COIN CLANKING]

Blessed is Arthur Crackpot
and all his subsidiaries, Ltd.

You see, in our church,
we have a lot more fun.

Well, Mrs. Collins,

you did say you were nervous,
didn't you?

You have eyes
on the coffee machine?

I don't mind,
I don't mind.

It's just nice
to be here, Reverend.

Archdeacon.

Well, you asked
for the coffee machine

so let's see
what you've won.

You chose Hymn 437.

Oh, Mrs. Collins,

you had eyes
on the coffee machine.

Well, you have won
tonight's star prize:

The entire
Norwich City Council!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[FANFARE PLAYING]

I've got one already.

Alot of religions--
No names, no pack deal.

--do go for
the poorer type of person.

Face it, there's more of them.

Poor people, thieves,
villains,

poor people
without no money at all.

Well, we don't have
none of that tat.

Rich people and crumpet over
16 can enter free.

Upper middle class,
quite welcome.

Lower middle class,
not under five-grand a year.

Lower class, I can't touch it.

There's no return on it,
you see.

Do you have any difficulty
converting people?

Oh, no, well, we have ways
of making them join.

Norman there does
alot of converting,

a lot of protection,
that sort of thing.

And, uh, there's his mate,
Bruce Beer.

Brucie has personally
converted 92 people,

25 inside the distance.

Then again, we're not afraid
to use more modern methods.

ANNOUNCER: Sarah, today's
diocesan lovely,

is enough to make any chap
go down on his knees.

This 23-year-old bishop hails,
appropriately enough,

from Bishop's Stortford,
and lists her hobbies

as swimming, riding, and film
producers. What a gas!

Bet she's no novice
when it comes

fo converting all in her sea.

Basically...

I believe in peace,

and bashing two bricks
together.

I'm starting a war for peace.

[HACKING]

Cor, blimey.

I'm raising polecats for
peace.

[COUGHS]

Peace? I like a piece.

Know what I mean?
Know what I mean?

Say no more. Nudge, nudge.

Our religion
is the first church

to cater for
the naughty type of person.

If you'd like a bit of,
uh, love-your-neighbor--

And who doesn't
now and again?

--then see Vera and Ciceley
during the hymns.

In our church, we try to help
people to help themselves.

To cars, washing machines, lead
piping, no questions asked.

We are the only church,
apart from the Baptists,

to do respray jobs.

We at the Church
of the Divine Loony,

believe in the power of prayer
to turn the head purple.

[LAUGHING]

I'd like to come in here
for a moment, if I may,

and disassociate our church

from these frivolous
and offensive religions.

We are primarily concerned
with what is best--

[RINGS]

Hello? Oh.

Well, how about
Allied Breweries?

All right,
but keep the Rio Tinto.

-for the human soul.

In our church, we believe
first and foremost in you.

[MUTTERING]

We want you to think of us
as your friend.

[MUTTERING]

Now, as I...

Oh, hello?

What? I can't hear you.

Hey Harry, we've got a bad connection on
line 422, can you switch the points over?

No that's still not got it, no no,
oh the Devil take it.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Did somebody call?

Oh I'm sorry, I think this is rather the
wrong moment for sales talk.

Terribly sorry, my fault.
Excuse me please.

NARRATOR: In this picture
there are 40 people.

None of them can be seen.

In this film
we hope to show you

how not to be seen.

This is Mr. E.R. Bradsaw
of Napier Court,

Black Lion Road, SES.

He cannot be seen.

Now, I'm going to ask him
fo stand up.

Mr. Bradsaw,
will you stand up, please?

[GUNSHOT]

This demonstrates
the value of not being seen.

In this picture we cannot see

Mrs. B.J. Smegma
of 13, The Crescent, Belmont.

Mrs. Smegma,
will you stand up, please?

[GUNSHOT]

This is Mr. Nesbitt
of Harlow New Town.

Mr. Nesbitt,
would you stand up, please?

Mr. Nesbitt has leant the first
lesson of not being seen:

not fo stand up.

However, he has chosen
a very obvious piece of cover.

Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh,
The Burrows, Oswestry,

has presented us with a poser.

We do not know
which bush he is behind,

but we can soon find out.

[MAN SCREAMS]

Yes, it was the middle one.

Mr. Ken Andrews,
of Leighton Road, Slough,

has concealed himself
extremely well.

He could be almost anywhere.

He could be behind the wall
inside the water barrel,

beneath a pile of leaves,
up in the tree,

squatting down behind the car,
concealed in a hollow,

or crouched behind
any one of a hundred bushes.

However, we happen to know
he's in the water barrel.

Mr. and Mrs. Watson
of Ivy Cottage,

Worplesdon Road, Hull,

chose a very cunning way
of not being seen.

When we called at their house,

we found they had gone away
on two weeks' holiday.

They had not left
any forwarding address,

and they had bolted
and barred the house

fo prevent us getting in.

However, a neighbor
told us where they were.

[MAN & WOMAN SCREAM]

And here is the neighbor
who told us where they were.

[GRUNTS]

Nobody likes a clever Dick.

And this is where he lived.

And this is where
Lord Langdon lived,

who refused to speak to us.

And so did the gentleman
who lived here.

And here.

And, of course, here.

And Manchester.

And the U.S. midlands.

Spain.

China!

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

Ah. Well, I'm afraid we have
to stop the film there,

as some of the scenes
which followed,

were of a violent nature which
might have proved distressing

to some of our viewers.

Though not to me,
I can tell you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

In Nova Scotia today,

Mr. Roy Bent
of North Walsham in Norfolk,

became the first man to cross
the Atlantic on a tricycle.

His tricycle, specially
adapted for the crossing,

was 90-foot long,
with a protective steel hull,

three funnels, 17 first-class
cabins and a radar scanner.

Mr. Bent
is in our Durham studios.

Which is rather unfortunate,

aswe'reall
down here in London.

And in London--

In London I have with me
Mr. Ludovic Grayson.

The man who scored all six
goals in Arsenal's 1-0 victory

over the

Qver the Turkish champions,
FC Botty.

Ludovic, first of all,
congratulations on the victory.

Thank you, David.

Should--

Should send you back
to botty with a big lead.

Oh, yes,
we're fairly confident, David.

Well, at the moment, Ludovic,

you're crouching down
inside a filing cabinet.

Yes, that's right, David,
I'm trying not to be seen.

I see. Uh,
is this through fear?

Oh, no, no,
it's common sense really.

If they can't see you,
they can't get you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-But, of course, they can
still hear you. -Huh?

[EXPLOSION]
-Aaah!

Ludovic Grayson,
thank you very much,

for coming on
the program tonight.

And we end the show with
music.

And here with
their latest recording,

"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy,
I've Got Love in My Tummy,"

Jackie Charlton
and the Tonettes.

[0]

I Yummy, yummy, yummy
1 got love in my tummy ♪

2 And I feel like
A-loving you

7 Love, you're stich
A sweet thing

I Good enough to eat thing ♪

7 And it's just what
I'm gonna do ♪

2 Ooh, love to hold yas

1 Ooh, love to kiss ya ♪

♪ Ooh, love, Hove it so ♪

1 Ooh, love, you're sweeter

I Sweeter than sugar ♪

♪ Ooh, love
won't let you go ♪

I Yummy, yummy, yummy
1 got love in my tummy ♪

7 And as silly as it may seem}

1 The lovin' that you're givin'
Is what keeps me livin'?

I And your love is like
Peaches and cream

7 Kinda like sugar §

I Kinda like spices I

I Kinda like
Like what you do ♪

1 Kinda sounds funny

7 But your love, honey ♪

2 And honey, I love you I

IBada
Badadadadal

♪ Badada
Dada dadadal

I Yummy yummy yummy... ♪

ANNOUNCER: For those who
may have just missed

Monty Python's Flying Circus,
here it is again.

[0]

1 The lovin' that you're givin'
Is what keeps me livin'?

I And your love is like
Peaches and cream

7 Kinda like sugar... ♪