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[MAN PANTING]
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It's...
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[♪ ♪ ♪]
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NARRATOR:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.
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[GUITAR AND CASTANETS PLAYING]
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[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
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[ALL CATCALLING]
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[SINGING IN SPANISH]
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[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
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[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]
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[ALL SINGING IN SPANISH]
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[ALL SHOUT IN SPANISH]
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Fine.
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00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,360
ORGY-
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00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,480
And now for something
completely different:
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00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,880
A man with a tape recorder
up his nose.
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[ORCHESTRA PLAYING
LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPE]
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[MUSIC STOPS]
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00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,120
[TAPE REWINDING]
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00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,920
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING
LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPE]
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[MUSIC STOPS]
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ANNOUNCER [ON TAPE]:And now
for something completely different:
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The office of Sir George Head,
O,B,E,.
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Next, please.
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[DOOR OPENS]
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00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,320
Ah, one at a time,
please.
27
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:05,640
There is only me, sir.
28
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,080
So there is.
Take a, um...
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[SNAPPING FINGERS]
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Seat?
Seat. Seat. Take a seat.
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So you want to join my
mountaineering expedition, do you?
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Me, sir?
Yes.
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Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.
Jolly good. Jolly good.
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And how about you?
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There is only me, sir.
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00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,560
Well, bang goes his application
then. Now, let me fill you in.
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I'm leading this expedition,
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and we're going to climb both
peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.
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00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,440
I thought there was only
one peak, sir.
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00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,160
Well, that'll save a bit of time.
Well done.
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00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,360
Now, the object of
this expedition
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00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:07,240
is to see if we can find any traces
of last year's expedition.
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00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,520
Last year's expedition?
Yes, my brother was leading that.
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They were going to build a bridge
between the two peaks.
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My idea, I'm afraid.
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Now, I ought to--
I ought to tell you
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that I have practically everyone
that I need for this expedition.
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00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,480
So, what special qualifications
do you have?
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00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:31,600
Well, sir--
Yes, you first.
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There is only me, sir.
I wasn't talking to you. Carry on.
51
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Well, I'm a fully qualified
mountaineer.
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00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,040
Mountaineer?
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Mountaineer.
Where the devil are they?
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"Mound. Mountain.
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A mountaineer:
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Two men skilled
in climbing mountains."
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My God, that would be useful.
Jolly good. Well, you're in.
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00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:56,280
Congratulations, both of you.
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00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:00,280
Now, what are your names?
Arthur Wilson.
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00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:04,840
Arthur Wilson. Right. Well, look,
I'll call you "Arthur Wilson One"
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00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,440
and you "Arthur Wilson Two"
just to avoid confusion.
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00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,840
Are you actually leading
this expedition, sir?
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00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,320
Yes, we are leading this
expedition to Africa.
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00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,560
And what routes
will you both be taking?
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00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,720
Good questions.
Shall I? Fine.
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00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,480
Well, we'll be leaving
on January the 22nd
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00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,960
and taking the following routes.
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00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:30,600
The A23s through Purleys, down onto
the main roads near Purbrights,
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00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,040
avoiding Leatherheads,
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00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:36,440
and then taking the A231s,
entering Rottingdeans from the north.
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00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,560
From Rottingdeans
we go through Africa to Nairobis.
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00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:44,600
We take the south road out of
Nairobis for about 12 miles
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00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,520
and then ask.
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00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,200
Does anyone speak
Swahili, sir?
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00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,040
Oh, yes, I think most
of them do down there.
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00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,400
Does anyone in our party
speak Swahili, sir?
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00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,360
Well, Matron's got a smattering.
Apart from the two Matrons.
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Good God,
I'd forgotten about her.
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00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:02,920
Apart from them, who else is
coming on the expedition, sir?
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00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,040
Well, we've got
the Arthur Brown twins,
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00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:10,560
two botanists called Machin,
the William Johnston brothers--
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00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:12,080
Two of them?
No, four of them.
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00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,640
Pair of identical twins.
84
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,040
And a couple
of the Ken Spinoza quads.
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00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,360
The other two pulled out.
And of course, you two.
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00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,040
And none of these are mountaineers?
Well, you two are.
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00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,880
And we've got a brace of guides
called Jimmy Blenkinsop.
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00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,040
Because Kilimanjaro
is a pretty tricky climb, you know.
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00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,680
Most of it's up, until you
reach the very, very top,
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00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:32,080
and then it tends to slope away
rather sharply.
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00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:36,040
But Jimmy's put his heads together
and worked out a way up. Jimmy? Ah.
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Hello.
I don't believe you've met.
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00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,960
Jimmy Blenkinsop, Arthur Wilson.
Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blenkinsop.
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00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:43,320
Arthur Wilson Two,
Jimmy Blenkinsop One.
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00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,600
Jimmy Blenkinsop One,
Arthur Wilson Two.
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00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,040
Carry on Jimmies.
Excuse me.
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00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,400
Don't worry about the:
We'll get him up somehow.
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00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,080
Now, the approach to Kilimanjaro
is quite simply over the foothills
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00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:56,120
and then we go on after that
up to set a base camp
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00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:59,280
somewhere in the region
of the bottom of the glacier,
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00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,840
when, after the glacier,
we'll find...
102
00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:06,440
And of course we'll have
a rather difficult climb...
103
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:08,600
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
104
00:08:18,440 --> 00:08:21,240
[CLATTERING AND CRASHING]
105
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,200
He'll be leading the first assault.
106
00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,560
Well, I'm afraid I shan't be
coming on your expedition, sir.
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00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:32,680
As I've absolutely no confidence
in anyone involved in it.
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00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:34,480
[DOOR CLOSES]
109
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,960
Oh, dear.
110
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,640
Well, how about you?
Well, I'm game, sir.
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00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:42,560
So are we.
112
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,280
BOTH: And now for something
completely different:
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00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:52,040
A man with a tape recorder
up his brother's nose.
114
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,720
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING
LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPE]
115
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,480
[MUSIC STOPS]
116
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,760
[TAPE REWINDING]
117
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,280
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
118
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,120
[ORCHESTRA PLAYING
LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPES]
119
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,080
[MUSIC STOPS]
120
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,240
Thank you. Thank you.
121
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,760
[SPEAKING IN LATIN]
122
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,760
Have you ever considered
the advantages
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00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:44,520
of owning a really fine set
of encyclopaedias?
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00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,000
For only 10--
George.
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00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:51,560
Louise, I told you never
to call me at the office.
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00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,680
George.
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00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:56,880
[KISSING]
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00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,920
GEORGE:
Okay, stop it.
129
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,720
[CLEARS THROAT]
130
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:03,880
[SPEAKING IN LATIN]
131
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:05,640
[MAN MUTTERING]
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00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,240
Congratulations, sir, you've
just won this lovely Kewpie Doll.
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00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,000
MAN:
Get off!
134
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,120
And get a haircut, you pansy!
135
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,440
Good morning.
136
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,200
Morning, sir.
Morning. Morning.
137
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:27,400
I'll be with you in a minute.
Oh, fine, fine.
138
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,920
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
139
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,040
[BARBER HUMMING]
140
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,000
[INSTRUMENTS CLATTERING]
141
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[WHISTLING]
142
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,000
[SNIFFLING]
143
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,000
[GRUNTING]
144
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:59,320
Ah. Um... How--?
How would you like it, sir?
145
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:00,840
Oh, just short
back and sides, please.
146
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,000
How do you do that?
147
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,200
Well, just ordinary short
back and sides.
148
00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:08,000
It's not a razor cut?
149
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,880
Razor, razor, razor, razor,
cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder!
150
00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,920
Oh, thank God. Thank God.
151
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,920
It's just scissors.
Yes, yes.
152
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,440
You wouldn't rather have it
just combed, would you, sir?
153
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:24,080
Beg your pardon?
154
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,080
You wouldn't rather
forget all about it?
155
00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,400
No, no, no, I want it cut.
Cut, cut, cut!
156
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:32,320
Blood, spurt, artery, murder,
Hitchcock, Psycho, blood! Damn it!
157
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:36,560
Right, sir. Well, I'll--
158
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,360
I'll get everything ready.
Good.
159
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:41,840
In the meantime, perhaps
you'd fill in one of these.
160
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,760
Oh, right. Fine, yes.
161
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:49,320
Excuse me?
What?
162
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,800
Where it says "next of kin"
shall I put "mother"?
163
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,360
Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes!
164
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,880
All right, there we are.
165
00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:00,000
Ah. Thank you.
166
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,160
Right.
167
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,680
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
168
00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,040
[WHISTLING]
169
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,640
[GULPING]
170
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,440
Ah!
171
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,760
[GRUNTING]
172
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,600
There, I've finished.
You've what?
173
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,960
I finished cutting, cutting, cutting,
cutting, cutting your hair! It's all done.
174
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,320
But you haven't started cutting it.
I have.
175
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:50,240
I did it very quickly, Your Honour.
Sir, sir, sir.
176
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,560
Look here, old fellow, I know when a
chap's cut my hair and when he hasn't.
177
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:56,280
So will you please stop fooling
around and get on with it?
178
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,640
Yes. Yes, I will, sir.
179
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,920
I'm gonna cut your hair, sir.
180
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:06,040
I'm gonna start cutting your
hair, sir. Start cutting now.
181
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,640
[SCISSORS SNIPPING ON TAPE]
182
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,160
BARBER [ON TAPE]: Nice day, sir.
Yes.
183
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,280
Flowers could do with
a drop of rain though.
184
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,760
You see the match last night, sir?
Yeah. Good game, I thought.
185
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,960
I thought Hurst played well, sir.
Beg your pardon'?
186
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:23,800
I thought Hurst played well, sir.
Oh, yes. Only one who did though.
187
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,800
Can you put your head down a little?
Oh, sorry, sorry.
188
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,160
[ELECTRIC RAZOR
WHIRRING ON TAPE]
189
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,200
I prefer to watch
Palace nowadays.
190
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:33,280
Oh, sorry. Was that your ear?
No, no. Didn't feel a thing.
191
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,280
Hey, what's going on?
Look, I came here for a haircut!
192
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,000
Yes, it is a nice spot, isn't it?
It looks very nice.
193
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,920
It's exactly the same
as when I first came in.
194
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:42,680
Right. That's the lot then.
All right.
195
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,400
All right, I confess,
I haven't cut your hair.
196
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:46,840
I hate cutting hair.
197
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,560
I have this terrible, uncontrollable
fear whenever I see hair.
198
00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,000
When I was a kid, I used to hate
the sight of hair being cut.
199
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:56,400
My mother said I was a fool.
200
00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:00,120
She said the only way to cure it was to become
a barber. So I spent five ghastly years
201
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,360
at the Hairdressers' Training
Centre at Totnes.
202
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,480
Can you imagine what it's like
203
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:09,480
cutting the same head
for five years?
204
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,240
I didn't want to be
a barber anyway.
205
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,040
I wanted to be a lumberjack.
206
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,680
Leaping from tree to tree
207
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,920
as they float down the mighty rivers
of British Columbia.
208
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,720
The giant redwood, the larch,
the fir,
209
00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,240
the mighty Scots pine.
210
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:27,760
The smell of fresh-cut timber.
211
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:29,160
[PIANO PLAYING
AND CHORUS SINGING]
212
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:31,400
The crash of mighty trees.
213
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,640
With my best girlie by my side,
214
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:39,040
we'd sing, sing, sing.
215
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,080
[SINGING]
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay
216
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,720
I sleep all night, I work all day
217
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,080
[SINGING]
He's a lumberjack and he's okay
218
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:49,800
He sleeps all night
And he works all day
219
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,120
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
220
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:54,600
I go to the lavatory
221
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,000
On Wednesdays I go shopping
222
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,920
And have buttered scones for tea
223
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,440
He cuts down trees
He eats his lunch
224
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,800
He goes to the lavatory
225
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:07,160
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
226
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,040
And has buttered scones for tea
227
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,440
He's a lumberjack and he's okay
228
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,280
He sleeps all night
And he works all day
229
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,600
I cut down trees, I skip and jump
230
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,040
I like to press wildflowers
231
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,520
I put on women's clothing
232
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,440
And hang around in bars
233
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,920
He cuts down trees
He skips and jumps
234
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,280
He likes to press wildflowers
235
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,720
He puts on women's clothing
236
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,760
And hangs around in bars?
237
00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,320
He's a lumberjack and he's okay
238
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,720
He sleeps all night
And he works all day
239
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,200
I cut down trees, I wear high heels
240
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,640
Suspenders and a bra
241
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,120
I wish I'd been a girlie
242
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,040
Just like my dear mama
243
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,560
He cuts down trees
He wears high heels
244
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,000
Suspenders and a bra?
245
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,480
BARBER:
I wish I'd been a girlie
246
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,160
Just like my dear mama
247
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,320
Oh, Bevis.
248
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:06,760
And I thought you
were so rugged.
249
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,800
MAN: Dear sir, I wish to complain
in the strongest possible terms
250
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,160
about the song
which you have just broadcast
251
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,520
about the lumberjack
who wears women's clothes.
252
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:18,520
Many of my best friends
are lumberjacks
253
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,520
and only a few of them
are transvestites.
254
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:26,680
Yours faithfully, Brigadier
Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.
255
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,680
P.S. I have never kissed the editor
of The Radio Times.
256
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,360
Well, I object to all this sex
on the television.
257
00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,240
I mean, I keep falling off.
258
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,320
[♪ ♪ ♪]
259
00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:52,680
Well, I think television's killed
real entertainment.
260
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:57,200
In the old days, we used to make
our own fun at Christmas parties.
261
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:02,160
I used to strike myself on the head
repeatedly with blunt instruments
262
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,080
while crooning:
263
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,560
[SINGING "ONLY MAKE BELIEVE"]
264
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,360
Oh! Ow.
265
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,080
[PIANO PLAYS]
266
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,800
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
267
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,560
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
268
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:34,120
and welcome to the
Refreshment Room here at Bletchley.
269
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:39,520
My name is Kenny Lust
and I'm your compere for tonight.
270
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:44,000
You know, once in a while,
it is my pleasure and my privilege
271
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,680
to welcome here
at the Refreshment Room
272
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:51,080
some of the truly great
international artists of our time.
273
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,480
And tonight we have
one such artist.
274
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,000
Ladies and gentlemen,
275
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,400
someone whom I've always
personally admired,
276
00:17:57,560 --> 00:18:00,680
perhaps more deeply,
more strongly,
277
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,880
more abjectly
than any other performer.
278
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:08,280
A man--
Well, more than a man, a god.
279
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:14,040
A great god whose personality
is so totally and utterly wonderful
280
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:17,960
that my feeble words of welcome
sound wretchedly
281
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,000
and pathetically inadequate.
282
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,880
Someone whose boots
I would gladly lick clean
283
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,800
until holes wore through
my tongue.
284
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:31,280
A man who is so totally
and utterly wonderful
285
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:35,720
that I would rather be sealed
in a pit of my own filth
286
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,200
than dare tread on the
same stage with him.
287
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,640
Ladies and gentlemen,
288
00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:45,240
the incomparably superior
human being,
289
00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,800
Harry Fink.
290
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,120
MAN:
He can't come.
291
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:58,120
Never mind.
He's not all he's cracked up to be.
292
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,520
Ladies and gentlemen,
293
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:04,600
we give you Ken Buddha
and his inflatable knees.
294
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,000
[KNEES MAKE BANGING NOISE]
295
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:16,160
Ken Buddha:
A smile, two bangs and a religion.
296
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,560
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
for your further entertainment,
297
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:23,440
Brian Islam and Brucie.
298
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,160
[MUSIC PLAYING]
299
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,560
So anyway, I became a barber.
Oh, poor chap.
300
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:41,080
Yes, pity, really. I always
preferred the outdoor life.
301
00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:43,560
Hunting, shooting, fishing.
302
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,920
Getting out there with a gun,
slaughtering a few of God's creatures.
303
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,360
That was the life.
304
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,280
Charging about the moorland,
blasting their heads off.
305
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:54,440
[♪ ♪ ♪]
306
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,200
[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
307
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:50,960
[GUNSHOT]
308
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,040
[MAN YELLS]
309
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,040
I'm sorry,
we don't need you this week.
310
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,280
And now for something
completely different.
311
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,720
[JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING ON RECORD]
312
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,000
Would you mind terribly
313
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,280
if I held your hand?
314
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:40,280
Oh. Oh, no, not at all.
315
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,960
Oh, Iris, you're
so very beautiful.
316
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,720
Oh. Oh, do you really mean that?
317
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,400
I do, I do, I do.
318
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,640
I think I'm beginning
to fall in love with you.
319
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,560
Oh, Victor.
Silly, isn't it?
320
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:59,200
No. No, not at all,
dear sweet Victor.
321
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:00,600
No, I didn't mean that.
322
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,560
Only, just us being so close
together for so many months
323
00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:07,640
in the soft-toy department,
and yet never daring to--
324
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,920
Oh. Oh, Victor.
Oh, Iris.
325
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,400
[DOORBELL RINGS]
326
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:16,600
Who can that be?
Oh, well, you try and get rid of them.
327
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:17,920
Yes, I will. I will. Yes.
328
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,560
Won't be a moment.
329
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:26,960
Hello.
Hello.
330
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:28,600
Remember me?
No, I--
331
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,680
In the pub, the tall, thin one
with the moustache?
332
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,040
Remember?
No, I'm afraid--
333
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,320
About three years ago?
No, I don't, I'm afraid.
334
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:37,320
Blimey, it's dark in here.
That's better.
335
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,600
You said we must have a drink
together sometime.
336
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,200
So I thought I'd take you up on it,
337
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,680
as the film society meeting
was cancelled this evening.
338
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,600
Look, to be frank, it is a little
awkward this evening.
339
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,080
Hello. I'm Arthur,
Arthur Name.
340
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,240
Name by name,
but not by nature.
341
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,520
I always say that, don't I, Vicky boy?
Really?
342
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,640
Is that your wife?
No, actually, but--
343
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,040
Oh, I get the picture.
344
00:24:57,240 --> 00:25:01,000
Eh? Well, don't worry about me, Vicky
boy, I know all about one-night stands.
345
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:02,640
I beg your pardon?
346
00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,120
Mind if I change the record?
No, no, look, we put that on.
347
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,040
Oh, here's a good one. I heard it
in a pub. What's brown--?
348
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,480
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
I beg your pardon?
349
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,440
What's brown
and sounds like a bell?
350
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,600
"Dung."
351
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:19,200
That is a good one.
I like that one.
352
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:20,800
I won't keep you long.
353
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,840
["LIBERTY BELL MARCH"
PLAYING ON RECORD]
354
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,240
That's better.
355
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,960
Now, don't worry about me.
I'll wait here until you're finished.
356
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,120
What?
357
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:29,280
[DOORBELL RINGS]
358
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:31,800
Who the hell is that?
I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine.
359
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,800
I took the liberty
of inviting them along.
360
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,160
Look, we were hoping to have
a quiet evening on our own.
361
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:39,400
They won't mind.
They're very broad-minded.
362
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,080
Hello.
Good evening.
363
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:44,240
Good evening.
364
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,400
My name is Equator,
Brian Equator,
365
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,720
like round the middle
of the Earth, only with an L.
366
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,240
[BOTH LAUGHING]
367
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:58,560
This is my wife, Audrey. She smells
a bit, but she has a heart of gold.
368
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:01,000
There must've been some kind
of misunderstanding because--
369
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,800
Who's that then? Who's the bird?
What? Well--
370
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:07,600
Say, you got a nice pair there, haven't
you, love? Go on, give us a kiss.
371
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,400
[IRIS SCREAMS]
372
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,800
Shut up, you silly bitch.
It was only a bit of fun.
373
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,520
Now, now, look here, I've--
Big gin, please. Big gin.
374
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,000
I'll get it.
No, leave those drinks alone.
375
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,640
And three cans of beans
for me, please.
376
00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,160
I told you to lay off the beans,
you whore!
377
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:26,800
I only want three cans!
Button your lip, you ratbag!
378
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,080
[BOTH LAUGHING]
379
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:35,400
Was rather witty, wasn't it?
Where's my gin?
380
00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:36,600
[DOORBELL RINGS]
381
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:37,960
Who the hell's that?
382
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:39,480
Oh, I took the liberty
383
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:43,040
of inviting an old friend along,
as his wife has just passed away.
384
00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,720
And he's somewhat distraught,
poor chap. Hope you don't mind.
385
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,440
ARTHUR: Come on in.
Well--
386
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,600
Oh, my God, what
a simply ghastly place.
387
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,040
Yeah. It's not too good,
is it?
388
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,840
A pint of crème de menthe
for my friend.
389
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:58,560
Well, how are you,
you great poof?
390
00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:01,440
Bit lumpy.
391
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:02,600
[CAT WHIMPERS]
392
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,000
Ah, no wonder,
I was sitting on the cat.
393
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:06,200
[IRIS CRYING]
394
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,640
I brought along
a simply gorgeous little man
395
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,800
I picked up at the Odeon.
396
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,000
Is he sexy then?
397
00:27:14,840 --> 00:27:17,560
I had to bring the goat.
He's not well.
398
00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:20,920
I only hope he don't go
on the carpet.
399
00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:24,480
Come on, then, love.
Drop them.
400
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,120
[SCREAMS]
401
00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:29,920
Blimey, she don't go much,
do she?
402
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,080
Oh, I wet them.
403
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:40,680
The goat's just done a bundle.
404
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,040
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
405
00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:47,400
Now, look, get out, all of you.
Go on, get out!
406
00:27:47,560 --> 00:27:50,320
Get out! Get out!
I beg your pardon?
407
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:53,520
I'm turning you all out. I'm not having
my house filled with filthy perverts.
408
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:57,200
Now, look, I'm giving just half a minute, and
then I'm gonna call the police, so get out!
409
00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:59,560
I don't much like the tone
of your voice.
410
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,640
Right. Let's have
a "Ding Dong."
411
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:04,800
[PIANO PLAYING]
412
00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,760
[ALL SINGING "DING DONG
MERRILY ON HIGH"]
413
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,560
[GUNSHOT]
414
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:26,760
[GULPS]
415
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:28,960
[PEOPLE SHOUT IN SPANISH]
416
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,960
[♪ ♪ ♪]
31897
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