All language subtitles for confessions_of_a_window_cleaner__eng

Hi, I'm Timmy Lea.

This is my first day of cleaning windows.

Ever thought about window cleaners?

They spend their days
looking into hundreds of little boxes,

many of which have got people in.
All sorts of people.

That's me!
What about that physique, eh?

A bit Steve McQueen, isn't it?

No wonder the birds go crazy for me.

Favourite gear
a white nylon T-shirt.

Because when you wet it, you can
press it up against the window.

And then give them a little smile.

Well, not for the old ones.
Makes all sort of Remembrance Day.

Still, you can't expect to go potty
on your first day, can you?

Cor, cop a load of that, eh?
What a knocker factory!

She's obviously a pushover
for my brand of animal magnetism.

Whoops! Lost my balance.

And my bucket.

Some of the things you see
are quite an education.

I mean, just look at that shower!
Blimey, they're big for their age.

They're also big for my age.

But all this was nothing to what I saw
in a shop down the high street.

It all started with a little bit
of window undressing.

I've heard of your work
getting on top of you,

but not you
getting on top of your work!

What a diabolical way
to start a new career.

Flat on me back,
staring up blokes' trouser legs.

And along comes this bird.

If it hadn't been for her, I might
have jacked it in right away.

Because she awoke in me deep-rooted
feelings of sensitivity and delicacy

I never knew I had.
"Never knew" I could say.

In fact, one look at Elizabeth
and I fell like a pair of lead knickers.

She was the type of girl you say,
"Please, may i?" before you give her one.

A card, I mean.

Because Sid did promise me a piece of
the action with any new customers. Cor!

Wouldn't have minded
a piece of her action.

What are you trying to do, ruin me?

One broken window,

one bucketed traffic warden
threatening to sue,

and now you tell me
you lost your squeegee.

-I must've dropped it under the crowd.
-And that’s another thing!

I pay you to clean windows.

If you wanna lie on the floor and look up skirts,
you do it in your own time, right?

But I told you, it was shock.
They were having it off in the window.

So? Have you got
a sex hang-up or something?

No, but I thought
she had three legs.

Look, Timmy boy.

In our business
you've got to be immune from shocks.

Especially from birds,
three-legged or one-legged.

As long as they are
satisfied customers,

they bring in new ones.

Hey, I met a real
knockout this morning.

Fabulous face, fantastic body,
legs right up to her armpits.

-What about her windows?
-Windows?

Oh, I gave her a card.

It’s no good
just chatting up dolly birds.

You've gotta grease
the old bags too.

It’s not all Raquel Welch pulling
you onto her dumplings, you know.

Christ, what else did you do?

Hello. As we were passing,

I just thought I'd stop
and see if you were all right.

Those falls can sometimes
have delayed effects.

Oh, yes. I mean, no!

-Thank you, I'm all right.
-Fine.

We'll have to get back
on patrol now. Good night.

-What's all that, then?
-It was her.

-Who?
-The bird, I told you.

Have you gone stark raving bonkers,
trying to chat up female fuzz?

I didn't know who she was.

But I don't care, Sid.
Oh, isn't she a knockout?

Oh, yeah, you picked
the right word, boy.

What I wouldn't do for her.

Well, I'm more worried about what
you wouldn't do for my customers.

What do you mean, eh?

I mean, I've got to he sure, if some
bird offers to squeeze out your chamole,

you don't go retracting your ladder!

Christ, anyone would think
I was a bloody virgin.

I do. And so does Rosie.

What does she know, eh?

Sisters always know.

-I don't know what you're on about.
-Responsibilities, that’s what.

You taking over some of mine.

I mean,
with Rosie pregnant,

I feel it’s only proper
I should cut it out for a while.

Window cleaning?

Not cleaning, you berk!
Servicing, keeping the customers happy.

Well, anything I can do, Sid.

Yeah, well, that’s what worries me.
Can you do?

Oh, come off it, Sid!

Never mind 'Come off it'.
Have you ever been on it?

Of course I have!

Yeah? I don't reckon
you could dip your tassel

in a fire bucket
without instructions.

Very funny, Sid.

All right, Timmo.

After dinner,
you and me are going out.

What for?

To get a professional opinion.

Mind you, I didn't like to admit it,
but Sid was right.

My sex life held as much sensation
as a concrete contraceptive.

In fact, I could describe myself as
the walking answer to contraception.

I don't do it!

With me, it’s more a case of
good kiss, good feel and good night.

Not like Sid.

I mean, he really deserved
the Queen's Award for industry.

Oh, God. I don't know why your old man
works in the lost property office.

Might just as well
move the whole lot here!

Dad's working on it.

I wouldn't mind if he nicked
something worthwhile.

-That you, boys?
-Yes, Mum.

-How did it all go, dear?
-Oh, fine, Mum.

You could say it was a great day
in the history of British window cleaning.

Oh, that’s nice. Rosie could
hardly wait for you to get hack.

Oh, that’s nice too.

Yeah, she's been dreaming about
that chocolate fudge all day.

Oh, Sidney,
you didn't forget it.

She told you she'd got a craving
for chocolate fudge.

Yeah, well, I know.
I'm sorry. I forgot.

-Sidney!
-Here, love!

Ah! And how's little
earth mother tonight, eh?

-I'm starving.
-He forgot it.

You didn't.

I'm sorry, love,
it slipped me mind.

I'll go after dinner.
The nawngant stocks it.

One little thing!
I ask you to do one little thing!

I'm sorry, Rosie.
It’s not the end of the world.

-I'll go and get it.
-I don't want it now!

All right,
I won't go and get it now!

Rosie, all I want to do
is make you happy.

Then piss off.

Rosie!

Well, I think I'll have a wash
before the thieving magpie gets home.

Timmy, I won't have you
talking Like that.

Your father never takes anything
that anyone wants.

Not even us.

It’s time I forked the potatoes.

Rosie, love,
I said I was sorry,

but with Timmy and everything
I had a lot on my mind today.

Oh, I'll bet
and not only on your mind.

Don't be like that.

My friends get
around too, you know.

They see a lot of your ladder,
but not so much of you.

Rosie, sometimes
I've got to he sociable.

You don't think I like drinking
all them cups of tea, do you?

It's part of building up
the business, Rosie.

I'm doing it all for you, love.

Oh, all right.
I'll forgive you.

That's a girl.

But watch it.

Because, Sidney Noggett,

one extramarital

and I'll cut it off.

Don't answer it.

They've probably
come about the telly.

Isn't it working?

Dad won't pay the instalments
cause he can't get colour.

I keep telling him
It's a black-and-white set!

It is Dad.

So, what's the matter
with his key?

He’s got his arms full.

Oh, God. More colourful crap.

Here!

Harpoon it yourself, did you?

Ha, bloody ha.

Oh, God.

It was left on the Pullman Express.
Look nice over the fire, won't it?

-Look better on it.
-Who asked for your opinion?

Now, don't you two start.

Hang on! I've got some rights here!
As a regular rent-payer.

Rent? it don't even pay
our window cleaner.

Give over, Dad. Sid’s told you
why he doesn't do our windows.

Right. It’s bad to bring your work home.
It only causes trouble.

You can't clean your own.

Like a psychiatrist
never treats his own family.

I don't interfere in your business,

so don't try and tell me
what to do with my moods.

Oh, come on, Dad.
I was only kidding.

I think he’s great.

-Do you?
-Sure.

We'll call him Clearance.

Clearance?

Good evening, Clearance.
What do you think of Dad?

"I think he’s a stupid old git".

You think he’s a stupid old git?
That's funny.

Well, I still think you're nothing worth.
And no good sponger.

Now. Your dad didn't mean it.
Say you're sorry, Dad.

All right. I'm sorry.

He said he’s sorry, Rosie.

It’s not him!

-Well, I said I was sorry.
-It’s not you!

Well, what is it, dear?

That bloody thing
is leering at me!

Don't do that!
You'll break his antlers!

Yes, but what's this
'professional opinion' bit?

You're not taking me
to the doctor, are you?

Lil's not a doctor,
but she's certainly a specialist.

Who's Lil?

My very obliging second-removed
cousin, Lily Lamour.

The biggest sensation
since natural gas.

I can't get it on right.

What was it like tonight?

Four men and a dog. Ouch!

Hope nobody’s decent!
Evening, pussycats.

Hello, darling.
How are you?

Good show tonight, girls.
Hello, love, how are you? Hi, Lil.

Hi, Lil.

And to what do we owe
this royal visit?

I need help, Lil.

What, have you worn it out?

No, not me.

This is for the family. I'd Like you
to meet my brother-in-law Timmy.

Please, Sid…

-Hi, Timmy.
-Hi.

Baby dolls, please.
Baby dolls.

So, what's the problem?

Well, there's been a slight gap
in Timmy’s education.

Yes, but I don't want
to fill it here.

You're not bent, are you?

Of course I'm not bent.

Between you and me, he’s still
got a blue bow tied to it!

-I see now!
-Please, Sid…

Well, drink up
and tell Lil all about it.

Oh, Lil, Lil.
You're a doll.

And you're a bastard.

Sid, where are you going?

Sid, where are you going?

To get some chocolate fudge.

Relax, Timmy.
I won't bite. Relax!

I can't relax.
They'll all be back in a minute.

Not as long as
that music's playing.

-Ooh!
-Is my hand cold?

Uh, no, it was just that you…

Well, hello!

You've left me.

Oh, I'm… I'm sorry.

You got overexcited.

Yes, yes,
that’s what it was, yes.

We're not doing too well,
are we?

No.

Would it help if I wore
the lion tamer’s gear?

No. I don't know
what's come over me.

Well, it isn't me.

Now, that’s better.

Ohh… I

Oh, that was terrific.
That was absolutely terrific.

I'm glad, Timmy. But there's
something you ought to know.

Yes?

I mean, I don't want you to go
through life with a fetish.

What do you mean?

You've just had
my suspender belt.

Another night of mad,
passionate failure.

Oh, that and the fetish bit.

I mean, imagine
having to say to a bird,

"Sorry, love, I can only get it together
if you wear gum boots and a gas mask".

And also, "would you mind terribly
If I had a feather up me ass?"

I never thought of myself
as being unnatural.

Bloody unlucky, yes,
but not unnatural.

"Timothy gets terribly confused
when it comes to sex."

Here’s a list of today's jobs.
I'm starting you off for another chance.

Not with Lil.

You won't be seeing Lil again,
not if she sees you first.

-Mrs. Jacqueline Brown.
-Oh, 47 Lyndhurst.

Right, Bluebeard.
She's a bit of a nympho.

And if you fail there,
you may as well

buy a bacon slicer
and join the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Come on, son, get it off.
Here, come on.

-Sid.
-Morning, Jacqui.

You're early.

Sorry, love.
Had to rearrange the schedule.

At least you'll get done
before the rain.

-Oh, I'm breaking in some new help.
-Since when did you need help?

Well, you know how things are.
You gotta expand.

-And is this the expansion?
-Yeah. My new mate, Timmy.

-Nice to meet you, Timmy.
-Me too.

He hasn't had
much experience yet.

But I'm sort of letting him
feel his way around

with a few
understanding customers.

You are always thoughtful, Sid.

Well, I'll leave him
to get on with it, then.

Won't I be seeing you again?

Oh, sure. I'll be in and out,
now and then.

Good job, now, Timmo.

-Right?
-Right.

You won't be needing that inside.
The rooms are quite small.

Oh, yes, of course.
Sorry, madam.

Oh, it’s so humid today.
Aren't you hot?

You, you are.
You're sweating.

Yes, I am a bit, yes.

How about a cold drink?
Some tea or coffee?

Oh, I'm easy.

I wouldn't have thought so.

Well, a Coke
would he fine, yes.

One Coke coming up.

Yes, well, I think
I'd better get started.

What's the rush?

Are you aiming to be the fastest
window cleaner in the West?

No. I just thought…

Look, just sit down
and have your drink first.

Oh, right.

I hope you're not in such
a hurry about everything.

I won't join you.
I have to watch my figure.

You must have plenty of company.

Oh, I see you're another Sid.

Oh, no, not quite.

-Are you married?
-Oh, you're joking.

You?

He’s abroad with the services.

-Oh, what's he in?
-Anything that moves.

No, I'm being unkind.

He’s in the navy,
so you can't blame him.

Or us.

Oh, God, quick, the window!
There's one over the sink.

Right.

Don't worry,
we'll soon clear up.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm afraid I've made a mess.

Already?

No, you see,
I've upset the…

Well, Jacqui had certainly
taught me how to come clean.

Now I know what they mean
by the ultimate detergent.

Talk about soft hands
and forever blowing bubbles!

Taught me something else too:
it's just like learning to ride a bike.

Once you find you can stay up,
there's no problem.

In fact, right there and then,
I could've won the “Tour de France”,

ladder and all.

-Hello.
-Oh, hi.

-Hard at it?
-Yeah, on and off, yes.

-You better pull over.
-Oh, right.

Sorry, mate.

Oh, God.

Claxons

What the bloody hell
do you think you're doing?

Complete accident, sir.

Well, I shall want your name and address.

Fair enough, yes.

Uh, I clean them too.

Please, you must
move out of the road.

Oh, right.

-Are you all right, sir?
-No, thanks to him.

Sorry about that.

I'm afraid I shall have
to take a few particulars.

Fabulous.

-Name?
-Timmy.

-Timmy what?
-Lea. And yours?

I mean, I can't go through life
calling you WPC 49, can I?

Radlett. Elizabeth Radlett.

-Address?
-Scruggs Lane, 63.

Uh… will you come
to the movies tonight?

-Are you trying to bribe me?
-Yes.

Then I accept.

Yahoo!

What a day!

With this kind of luck, I could even
sell return tickets to kamikaze pilots.

I could hardly wait for my next client,
Miss Prendergast.

A new customer,
so Sid said to take it easy.

-Now?
-Now.

Oh, thank you. It's the mattress
that makes it so heavy.

Be even heavier
If we were on it.

Now I can finish
my housework before I go out.

I'm afraid my daily’s
gone off with a hernia.

Ah, well, my auntie went off
with a Lithuanian.

Oh, no.
I've dropped my leather.

Do you know who you remind me of?
Humphrey Bogart.

Oh, you're taking the mickey.

No, it’s your body.

You haven't seen my body.

I mean the way you walk.

You mean the way he held Lauren Bacall
in To Have and to Have Not?

"If you want anything, whistle".

You can fill your bucket in there.

Yes, ma'am.

You a movie fan, then?
I see all the old stuff on the telly.

Well, I go as much as possible
when I'm not teaching.

-Get away. What do you teach?
-Biology.

Ooh! Wish I was in your class.

You don't have to be gallant.
I wouldn't say it unless I meant it.

In fact, you remind me
a bit of Marilyn Monroe.

In these glasses?
Now you're taking the mickey.

No, really. In that film
where she was short-sighted.

-How to Marry a Millionaire.
-Yeah!

I find you very attractive,
Miss Prandargast,

and I wanna kiss you.
Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate.

It was Mrs. Robinson.

So?

I didn't know how to put this.

I mean, I'm rather shy
and I hardly know you.

Don't worry, love,
I'm way ahead of you.

Would you see if you can fix
the flush in the bathroom?

The flush?

I'd hate you to think
I was taking advantage,

but sometimes it works
and sometimes it doesn't.

-Oh… Yeah.
-Thank you.

I'll have go.

Meanwhile, if you don't mind,
I'll go and get ready.

Well, this was a puzzler
and no mistake.

Get ready for what?

I'd feel such a bark
bursting in Starkers,

only to find her
dressed to go shopping.

I was getting confused again.

Birds are funny things, you know.

One minute they give you
the "No, no, you mustn't" bit.

Then suddenly it's
"Yes, you must, you randy bugger".

Should be all right now.
I…

had to adjust
the ballcock.

I wish I was clever with my hands.

But you could be if you tried.

No, no, you mustn't.
It’s wicked.

Oh, that’s not what Lauren Bacall said.

I want to kiss those beautiful breasts.

That's Clark Gable in Red Dust.

He never said that.

Because Jean Harlow’s weren't
as beautiful as yours.

You can't stay long, you know.
Her father comes home for lunch.

Then the quicker we reach
the Alamo, the better!

John Wayne.

True Grit.

He’s getting naughty now.

Naughty and impatient.

What's…?

Scissors!

Have you got any scissors?

It’s all right. I've done it.

Oh, good.

Right, let’s take it off.

No, she doesn't want to.
She's shy.

-Under here. It’s Nicer.
-Oh. Right.

No, no, he’s got to say
hello to her first.

Oh.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, yes.
Oh, she likes that.

Is he enjoying it too?

Mmm. Talk to her.
Talk to her.

He said
he can't Wait any longer.

Carole?

You upstairs?

Just finishing the carpet.
Be right with you.

I'll come and help.

Where are my knickers?

Sod your knickers.
Stop him coming up!

Bed!

My leather.

Hello. They let me off early. Oh.

-Morning.
-Morning.

Well, that’s it, then.

Don't worry about the payment.
We'll set an account.

Thank you.

Extraordinary way to clean windows.

Oh, he'll come hack
and do the rest later.

No, I mean he was cleaning them
with a pair of knickers.

Knickers?

How's that?

Bloody marvellous.

Bloody horrible. I just hope
it doesn't affect the baby, that's all.

Evening, all.

There! I didn't forget
this time, did i?

Oh, you are good to me.
But I said "pineapple".

Pineapple?

Never mind.
It’s the thought that counts.

Rosie, you distinctly said…

-It's not in the centre.
-Yes, it is.

Oh, God.

You know what you can do, don't you?

Sid, can I ask you a big favour?

It depends.
How did it go today?

You would have been
proud of me, Sid.

-Can I borrow the minivan tonight?
-What for?

-I've got a very special date.
-Not with one of my customers.

Of course not.

Because that would be highly unethical.

Are window cleaners struck off?

You see,
she's off duty tonight and…

Hang on. Off duty?
You mean Fanny the Fuzz?

Her name is Elizabeth.

I don't care if it’s Sherlock Holmes.

You can't bring her back here.

-Why not? She's a nice girl.
-Nice girl?! She's a copper!

Thus do I see why I can't bring her back.

Because most of this let's
probably on her list, that’s why.

Now what are we fighting about?

Timmy’s got himself involved with the law.

-Timmy, what have you done?
-Nothing, Mum.

Just because I've got a date with a
girl that happens to be a policewoman.

Policewoman? Oh…

She's a smashing bird, Mum.
Intelligent, well-spoken.

Oh, yeah. She's passed all
her cross-examinations.

You can all relax,
because I'm not bringing her back.

Oh, I think that’s wise, dear.
We don't want to refurnish.

-Oh, and I won't be in for grub.
-All right.

Take your bucket, then.
It shouldn't be in here.

Hello, what's this?

Well, from memory, I'd say
they were a pair of knickers.

-They're for his collection.
-Collection?

Didn't you know your son's the demon
knicker nicker of Scruggs Lane?

Why don't you belt up.

It’s not true.
Timmy?

Of course it’s not.
He’s having you on.

All right, if you're all
so Interested… I bought them.

You bought knickers?

He’s dead kinky too.

Disgusting.

Go on.

Drop your trousers.
Show them what you're wearing.

I bought them for a girlfriend.

Is it a crime to he found
with a pair of knickers?

Not if you're a window cleaner.

And what is that supposed to mean?

Well, if the cap fits…

Big crash

Quick, ambulance!
It's coming!

Wind.

Oh, sorry, I was trying
to look for the…

Oh! Timmy!

Sorry, just dropped a bit of popcorn.

You won't find it up there.

Behave yourself.

I'm gonna have to put you in handcuffs.

I don't know.
You can't win, can you?

You make s pass, it's wrong.
You don't make s pass, you've insulted them.

Who’s him?

You wouldn't like to think
I didn't fancy you, would you?

No.
And I'm glad you do.

It’s just that there's a proper time
and a proper place.

What happens when you've got the time
but can't afford the place?

Oh, Timmy.
It’s not a question of money

It’s just getting
to know each other.

That's what I was trying to do.

You are sweet.
But you're impossible.

That's what Sid says.
Impossible, I mean.

And you're too good
for that sort of job.

What's wrong
with cleaning windows?

Nothing, but you should be doing
something a little more…

a little more rewarding.

Such as?

Well, you'd make a good policeman.

If you thought about it seriously.

What's so funny?

The family. If I told them I was gonna
be a copper, they'd go berserk!

What's wrong with being a copper?

Nothing. It’s all right
for some, I suppose.

If you're the officious type.

Oh, well, thanks a lot.

Oh, I didn't… I didn't mean you.

I think it’s time
I went home now, anyway.

Liz!

Liz!

You don't have to drive me.
I can get a cab.

Of course I'll drive you.

Liz, Liz!

Excuse me, sir.
£1, please.

Oh, yes.
Liz, Wait a minute!

Excuse me, sir.
Pick it up, please.

Without service.

Thank you.

I've enjoyed it, Timmy.
Really, I have.

Trust me to put
my big flat foot in it.

Oh, I didn't mean your kind…

I know what you meant.

Like to come in for a good-nighter?

Would I? Oh, yes!

-How many of you live here?
-Just me and my parents.

Early-to-bedders, eh?

No, they're out
at one of Daddy's dinners.

-What does your dad do, then?
-He’s inspector.

-Income tax?
-Police.

He’s not that frightening.

Well, won't he mind me being here, then?

Why should he?

Any more than your parents
would object to me.

So you see, Timmy, if ever you did decide
to change jobs, I might be able to help.

Timmy, I'm talking to you.

Liz.

Handcuffs?

-I'm extremely glad to be hack.
-Oh, it wasn't so bad, dear.

It’s all right.
Don't panic.

-Are you in, Elizabeth?
-Yes, Mummy.

Oh, I didn't know you had company.

-Mummy, this is Timmy.
-Oh, how nice.

Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Radlett.

How long has that van been outside?

Oh, it’s mine, sir.

-Oh, is it?
-Yes, sir.

Well, the tyres are worn.
It really shouldn't be on the road at all.

I'm sorry, sir.

-Have you been in a fight?
-No, sir.

Why’s your mouth bleeding?

How was the dinner, Daddy?

Absolutely dreadful.

The chief constable
has got verbal diarrhoea.

I need a brandy.

How about Mr…?

No, thanks.
I have to be going.

Timmy just dropped me home
from the movies.

How Nice.

I take it you're conversant
with the tyre test.

Tyre test?

Yes. You, uh…

put a coin… in the tread…

and if it falls out, the tyre’s illegal.

Oh, I'll do that, sir.

Good. And I should put some Dettol
on your mouth if I were you.

Oh, yes, I'll do that too, sir.
Good night, ma'am.

Oh, yes, well, good night.

So Nice.

-He's lying, of course.
-Lying?
-Oh, yes.

You can't get all that blood round your mouth
unless you've been in a fight.

It wasn't blood, John.
It was lipstick.

Lipstick? Oh, Christ.
Is he one of those?

I take it you're also conversant
with the cost of four bloody tyres.

Only you could screw your
way into a fuzz nest!

How was I to know
about her old man?

You better pull your finger out and get
some new clients to pay for this lot!

And I don't mean Scotland Yard,
the Old Bailey or MI5!

What Sid didn't know was
that the only thing

I'd screwed out of Elizabeth
was another date.

As for the job, well,

it was a relief to find
that some people only expected

the window cleaner
to clean windows.

Although there was never
a dull moment,

and mostly it was a good,
healthy outdoor life

there were times I felt
the job was getting on top of me.

One marshmallow for you,
for being a good boy,

and one for me,
for being a good customer.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Circulation
will come back.

But I've been a good customer though,
haven't I, Tim?

I mean, who else gives you
a two-year contract?

No one.

-Well, then. Act grateful.
-I did!

That was 10 minute ago!

Oh! Wait, I've got
to finish this first.

Oh, excuses, excuses.

-You sound like my late husband.
-Didn't know he was dead.

Well, he is.
From the waist down.

Wait. He won't suddenly
hurl in, will he?

Oh, not until the betting shop closes.

Then all he'll want is
more money, the bastard.

Not there!

Brenda!

Go away!
I'm resting.

It’s important, Brenda!

-Not there! The rug.
-The rug?

Look, you're wasting your time.
I don't have any money.

Oh, with you looking like that,
Brenda, who needs money?

Oh, yes? And what do you think
you're going to do?

You, Brenda, you.

Well, you've got another think coming.
And get off me marshmallows.

Oh, now, Brenda, you know
how I feel about you.

Oh, yes, with your clammy hands.

-Look, I'm warning you!
-Oh, come on, Bren.

Right! You asked for this.

How would you like to meet my husband?

Well… What…

All right. You can come out now.

Come out?

He hasn't gone for a gun, has he?

Brenda, for God's sake!

You thought that he was my husband!

-What?
-And he thought that you were.

You mean
he wasn't your husband?

He was the landlord.
That's the way he likes his rent.

You wicked cow!

Sid had warned me about
the next call, Villiers House.

"Hygiene-mad", he said.

Wipe your feet,
newspapers on the carpet.

And you even have to wash your hands
before you touch the soap!

In fact, Sid said,
"Better be safe."

"Don't touch anything,
and certainly not Mrs. Villiers."

Because her old man owned
this block of flats we serviced.

Hello. Window cleaner.

-Please?
-Windows.

Ah, Mrs. Villiers instruct me
to let you do it.

Did she now?

-You start up or down, please?
-Oh, that’s up to Mrs. Villiers.

Oh, is no matter.
She isn't home.

Oh. Well, I think I'd like to start
at the top and work my way down.

Top. Okay.

Cor!

This is top.
No shoes here.

-You're kidding.
-No. It is so there is no dirt for feet.

And Mrs. Villiers say
to use newspapers.

She sounds like a right king to me.

Here, what about that mirror?

Ah. Mrs. Villiers likes to see everything.

-Oh, you mean it’s a two-way?
-Please?

A two-way mirror.

You know, one way you look in,
the other way you look out?

Oh, I am sorry.
My english.

Ah. Well, say you and
me were having it…

Better not say that.

Suppose you were lying there…

I'll start the windows.

Okay.
Ah… Un moment.

-Is good?
-Oh, very good.

Good. Also, she says to cover hooks.

I should've worn gloves for this job.

Mrs. Villiers like everything very clean.

Hey, she is kinky. Look at this.
Body Discipline.

It’s whips and things, isn't it?

No, is yoga.
She is big yoga-doer.

Naked Yoga.

Naked yoga!

Is better with free body.

-You mean you do this?
-Of course.

'The toe-hold lotus posture.'
She must be on hinges to do that.

After practice, is not difficult.
You sit, I show.

Oh, sit.

First, you do so.

So.

Come.

-Me?
-Sit!

Now so.

And so.

You try again.

Try again? I can't move.

I got "rigor mortis".

That's because you are
not yet circulating.

Look, I think I should go
and circulate those windows.

Ah, but first, we must uncramp you.

Mrs. Villiers wlll not like
if you fall off ladder.

Yeah, well, the idea doesn't
grab me much either.

So…

This is for circulating
your head.

You're having me on!

Even you can't do that.

Without clothes, of course.

So is good.
Is releasing all tension.

You speak for yourself.

Makes blood to the head.
It’s the best cure. Come on.

Watch it! I had a little
bit of zip trouble yesterday.

Okay. You do it.

Right. Don't blame me if this
gets bigger than both of us.

Maybe this is easier for you.

Couldn't we just lie
on the bed and meditate?

The bed!
Is good idea.

Like so.
And I hold your legs up.

Oh, come.
You're spoilt by clothes.

Yes, well, I'd rather be spoilt
than do myself an injury.

Right.

Hope I'm not sick on her carpet.

Very quiet. Balance.

-Concentrate.
-I am!

I count three and I let go.
One, two…

How dare you?

OW! Oh…

-Um, I was just…
-Get off my bed at once!

-And you, get out.
-Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am, I was…

She was only relieving my tensions.

-Out!
-Out. Yeah.

-I'll speak to you later, Ingrid.
-Yes, madam.

-I forgot my ladder.
-I said, get out.

But my ladder…

You don't get out of this house,
I shall call the police.

Out of this house.
Yes, ma'am.

And put a clean cover
on my bed immediately.

Immediately.

You come back here. No ladder,
no bucket, no shoes and socks,

and you tell me
It’s because you've got cramp?

What are you, some sort
of congenial idiot or something?

It was this naked yoga bit, Sid.

You realise old man Villiers will probably
cancel our whole office contract.

I'm sure if you apologised…

Me?! Was I standing
on my head half-knackars naked?!

I was wearing my shorts!

I don't care
if you was wearing a frog suit.

No, I meant apologise for me, Sid.

I mean, when it comes to charm chat,
no one’s more experienced than you.

Well, I suppose,
if you look at it that way.

I need my bloody head examined.
Come on.

Oh, could we stop off
and get me some shoes first?

Oh, no.

What are you standing there for?
Come on!

Ah, Mrs. Villiers.

I've come round here in person to apologise
for the inexcusable behavior

of my young brother-in-law here.

Basically, he’s a good boy.
Honest, kind to animals.

And his parents. But emotionally,
he’s a shade retarded.

However, I feel sure that
someone of your warmth,

your intuitive grasp of the situation

facing young People today,

will have no difficulty in deciding

that this was just
a childish escapade.

-Have you finished, Mr. Noggett?
-I have indeed, Mrs. Villiers.

And what have you got to say?

Oh, I agree.

Oh, I mean,
I'll do anything to make up for it.

Then the incident is closed.
And you may proceed with the windows.

-Thank you, Mr. Noggett.
-Thank you, Mrs. Villiers.

Leave those things out there.
You can come in and fix up a light bulb for me first.

A light bulb?
Oh, yes, of course.

And wipe your feat.
Then come into the house.

There's a broken one
down in the cellar.

Right.

Oh, it’s the coal cellar.

The light’s up there
on the left-hand wall.

Ah. I need something
to stand on.

Must say, I never thought
of you in a coal cellar.

And how did you think of me?

Well, you like everything
so clean, don't you?

Oh, ta.

You have a firm young body.

Oh, no.
The top’s come off. Look.

Oh, I'm… I'm sorry.
It sort of came off in my hand.

You're just a dirty little boy,
aren't you?

Don't worry.
It’s only coal.

Look. Here.
Let me put it on for you.

Stay where you are.
You're filthy.

Oh, it'll seems off?

You're not going to walk
through my house Like that.

Oh, of course not.
I'll take my shoes off.

-You'll take your clothes off.
-Pardon?

Every stitch. Off.

Then we'll give you a bath.

Oh, now, Wait a minute.
All I need is a tap.

There must be one in the garden.

I hope you're not going
to cause more trouble.

No, of course not.

All I'm saying is, if we put
newspapers on the carpet…

Ara you refusing to take a bath?

Yes! I… No.

I'll take one when I get home.

Very well. If you're going
to behave Like a child…

We'll just have to treat you Like one.

-Eh… What are you doing?
-I'm undressing you.

No, you're not.
Get off!

I bring three presents
from the mystical shores
of a distant land.

Are you smashed again?

Oh, Rosie, that's not nice.
When he’s remembered your pineapple.

Thanks, Mum.
Timmy back yet?

He’s up having a bath.
Give you a kiss, then.

That's better, eh?
Come on.

You smell good.
What is it?

From the mystical shores
of a distant land.

-What's all this, then?
-All what?

The gear.
We’re going to a party or something?

No, it's just nice
to dress up now and then.

Wait a minute.

-What day is it?
-Wednesday. Why?

-He’s been, then, has he?
-Who, dear?

The window cleaner,
that's who!

So that's why you're all
puffed up, is it?

I don't know what you're on about.

There's nothing wrong
with window cleaners.

You keep telling me.

All right! But I know that
randy bastard that does this street!

Really, Sidney.
If you're inferring…

Oh. That'll be Dad
with another armful.

-It’s not Dad. It’s the law.
-Oh, my God. Now what?

No, relax. It's only
Timmy’s bluebird.

Hello.
Sorry you had to Wait.

Sorry to call unannounced.
Is Timmy in?

He’s having a bath.

I can't ask you in.
The place has just been fumigated.

-Fumigatad?
-Yeah. Had a plague of flying ants.

Oh, how awful.

Can I Give him a message?

We had a date tonight,
but as you can see, I had to go on duty.

-Okay, I'll tell him.
-I'll see him tomorrow.

Lucky old him.

You don't remember me, do you?
I used to clean your school windows.

As a matter of fact, I do remember,
but I didn't think you did.

Well, I didn't till just now.
It’s the way you said "How awful".

How awful. Oh… I haven't changed
much since school, have I?

Oh, I don't know.

Well, good luck
with the flying ants.

-Timmo?
-What?

-Got a message for you.
-A message?

Christ. You got
blackwater fever or something?

Have you ever been interfered
with in a coal cellar?

-Interfered with?
-Mrs. Villiers.

I don't think it’s funny.

I'm sorry.

What's the message?
What's the message?

Tonight's date’s tomorrow.
Your copper knickers is on duty.

Just as well. Give you time to
get the coal out your Y-fronts.

Liz! Liz!

Bloody fool!
Why don't you look where you're going?

I'm terribly sorry.
I was just…

Never mind about that.
Come out of the way.

-I'm glad I found you.
-I don't think he was.

Sid gave me your message. Tomorrow's fine.
Where shall we go?

-Do you like spaghetti?
-Yeah.

I'll cook you some.

What, at your place?

The family's dining out in the country.

Oh, Liz!

Timmy! I'm on duty!

I don't care, Liz. I just don't care.
I've just got to kiss you.

Timmy, control yourself.

Message to all units.

Disturbance outside discotheque,
23 King Street.

Repeat, discotheque, 23 King Street.
Message ends.

49 proceeding
to King Street.

Spaghetti Bolognese at her place.
Parents in Cowesville.

Cor! What a turn-up.

All next day, I kept thinking
of the evening to come.

At last she was showing signs
of succumbing to my irresistible magnetism.

I mean, faced with my suave, debonair charm,
what chance did she stand?

Who is it?

Oh, it’s Noggett’s Window Cleaning.
Good morning.

Hello, I'm sorry, it’s me again.
Uh, will I need my ladder?

-No.
-Oh, ta.

Hello, me again. Could you press
the knob for me again?

No, it’s not Sid.
I'm Timmy, his brother-in-law.

Better identify myself.
Can't be too careful his days, can you?

Uh, where can I
get my water? Oh, right.

Cosy little pad you've got here.

Oh, God! Sorry about that.
I'll get another one.

Look, Miss…

I know it's none of my business,
but if there's anything I can do…

Don't touch me!

Okay. I just thought I might help.

How could you help?

Well, I don't know
what it is, do i?

Have you ever been in love?

Is that all? I thought
it was something serious.

Serious? I've given 4 years
of my life to Ronnie.

I've made a home, cooked, cleaned, scrubbed.
And all for what?

So some bleached hitch…
Of course it’s serious.

I wouldn't get in an uproar, girl.
I mean, these things happen.

Ronnie's a bastard.

Yeah, well, it’s probably a touch
of the old four-year itch.

He needs shaking up,
a hit of his own madicine.

What do you mean?

Well, Ronnie's made
you jealous, right?

You return the compliment.

Do you really think it would work?

It’s worth a try.
Nothing to lose, have you?

It’s Ronnie.
I'd better get on with the windows.

I'm going to take your advice.

Good for you.

Hey, that’s terrific.
It’s a bed.

Get in it.

Pardon?

I thought you offered to help me.

Ya… Yes, I did.

Ron won't like it if I'm in bed with you.

It’s your idea!

Oh, God!

Come on, quickly, get undressed!

Yes, yes, all right.

Cor! Yes.

There we go.

Ooh! What's the matt …?
Ow What's the matter?

We're only simulating.

Oh. Oh, sorry, miss.
Sorry.

Elvie

Oh, hello, Ronnie.

Elvie, how could you do this to me?
And with a man!

I can explain, madam.

Get out, you male chauvinist pig!

Look, I can explain everything!

Hello, Mum? Look,
I've, run into a slight problem.

Do you know
where I can find Sid?

What's he doing in hospital?

Hello, Smiler.

Hello, Smiler. Listen to him. Hey,
how long before he can say Dada?

We've dacided not to tell him who
you are until he’s stronger.

Full of wit today, aren't we, eh?
He’s got my eyes, you know.

As long as it’s only your
eyes, he’s all right.

Who's a beautiful
little diddums?

Eh, diddums?

Oh, sorry.

Hello, Rosie, congratulations.
You too, Sid.

9 pounds, 8 ounces.

It’s Nice of you to come, Timmy.

I bought these for you.

Oh, look, Sidney.
Weren't they lovely?

Here, what's the matter with your eye?

Oh, nothing.
Uh, hanged it on a wall.

Give them to the nurse, Sidney.
She'll put them in water.

She'll have to put them
In splints.

Isn't he great?
Looks just Like Sid.

I hope not.
That's not our baby.

Well, back to the old treadmill, love.

Timmo can Wait for a while.
Mum's coming in after lunch.

I'll see you later, then. Sober.

Oh, she's full
of quips today, eh?

Hey, and for God's sake,
don't let him hold the baby.

It’s odds-on, he'll drop him.

Ta-ra, Noggett Junior. Ta-ra.
Ta-ra, love.

Isn't he fantastic?

I mean, I just thought of you
as a great big lump.

-Oh, charming.
-No, no…

No, what I meant is that I never
thought about the baby being inside.

It’s amazing.

Wait until you have
one of your own.

Yeah. I might, mightn't I?

Oh! That was fantastic.

-More?
-Oh, you're joking.

I feel like Rosie did.

Well, so long as it’s
only the spaghetti.

We don't want you
making medical history.

-Do you know something, Liz?
-What?

I think you're the most
smashing bird I've ever met.

I don't exactly find you
repulsive either.

When you're not trying
to emulate Sid.

Oh, Sid’s all right
once you get to know him.

-I do know him.
-What?

-Met him when I was at school.
-You never told me.

I didn't think
it was that important.

-Did you …?
-No, I didn't.

-You fancied him?
-I went out with him once.

He lost, three falls out of three.

You don't know
how glad I am, Liz.

-Do you Like television?
-Television?

There's a great
Charlie Snowgarden concert on.

Oh, that’s nice.

Unfortunately, the set down is broken.
Do you mind going upstairs?

Upstairs?

Yes. My mum and dad have got a set
at the bottom of their bed.

Charlie Snow… Charlie Snowgarden?
That's terrific

Only if you like his music though.

Love it. Especially
when it's upstairs.

-No!
-Why not?

Because I can't concentrate.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mummy.
No, I was just watching the telly.

Yes? Oh, poor you.

So that means you'll be
staying the night, then?

Of course. It’s not the first
time I've been alone, is it? Okay.

You too.

Their car's broken down.

-That's too bad.
-Now, Timmy, that doesn't mean…

Oh, Liz, I want you more than ever.

Oh, I know, Timmy. And it was wrong
of me to let you go this far.

But why, Liz?

Because I don't want to be
just another easy lay.

But you're not
an easy lay. I mean…

I don't want to sound
old-fashioned, Timmy,

but I have to he able
to live with myself.

I want to feel that when
I finally get married…

Well, why don't we.

Timmy, is that a proposal?

Yes. I suppose it is.

Hey, we're in their bed.

That's all right. We'll make it
before they get back.

Yeah. Yeah.
We'd better.

Slowly, Timmy. Slowly.
It’s not a race.

Oh, right, yes.

What's the matter?

Um… Nothing.
Nothing.

I thought you wanted me.

I do. I do, I do.

Timmy?

I'll be all right in a minute.
I must have wanted you too much.

I don't mind.
We've got a lifetime ahead of us.

But they're coming back
in the morning.

I mean when
we're married, silly.

Married?

To a copper?

When did this happen?

A few days ago.
I didn't know how you'd all take it.

Never mind how
we're gonna take it.

How is she gonna take it,
living in your attic?

That’s another thing. Till we find a flat,
her old man says we can stay there.

What, in the police station?

No, in their house.

To think I'm going to close
To my little baby boy.

Oh, turn it up, Mum!
He’s not going to war.

No, but it’s the next best think.

Well, thank you and goodbye,
Sidney Noggett.

Oh, come on. I was only kidding.
It's a good idea.

Give him
a sense of responsibility.

I think every man
should have a wife.

Preferably his own.

Is it going to be
a church wedding?

Yeah. But it’s all right. They're
taking care of everything.

Can't Wait to see Dad
In a grey topper.

Hey, you're right.
I shall have to watch out for one of them.

Come on,
for God's sake!

It’s like trying to get a hunch
of performing seals on the road!

I can't find my gloves.

What do you want gloves for?
He’s being married, not knighted. Mum!

I think I'm going to cry.

So am I if I don't get you lot out in that Rolls.

Come on, love,
stop crying.

You'll lose your eyelashes.
Just get in there and relax, girl.

Now, where the hell
is Dad? Dad?

Here. Not a bad fit, is it?

Christ, you look like
the cover of Butch Male.

Get in the car.
Go on.

-Wait. I've gotta get my hat.
-Timmy?

I'm in the carousel

Hey, I'd better do that as well.

Oh, God.

I'm sure
I've forgotten something.

You've got everything but the bleeding wand.
Get in the car!

Sidney, you're so uncouth.

Oh, go on.

Hi, Dad.

Here, a quick one for the road.

Oh, ta, Dad.
I'll get my tooth mug.

I've got butterflies in the old tum.

I had the same thing, son,
only mine were bloody great bat.

Ta.

Right.

Well, here's to the first baby.

Oh, turn it up, Dad.
Don't rush it.

I shall never forget the day you were horn.
It was Guy Fawkes Night.

-I know.
-How do you know?

-It’s my birthday.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I remember walking
home from the hospital.

All the rockets and
fireworks are going off.

I remember wondering what
you were gonna be like.

You know, what you were gonna do.

I never thought about marriage then.

Me neither.

Dad, what the bloody hell are you doing?

-I'm toasting the bridegroom.
-You was going for a pea, not a plus-up!

Go on. They're waiting for you downstairs.
You're coming with me. Come on.

Oh, God, now I want to go!
Hey, wait for us in the Mini!

Hey, Fred, how about that
for a Nice place of crumpet, eh?

Where?

Sea-through charlies and all.

Yeah. Wonder if she wants
a lift to Bristol.

Her Bristols don't need no lifting, Matai.

Come on.
Give us a hand with this.

I often wonder why some of them bother
to wear anything at all these days.

I'm glad they don't, mate.

You would.

Timmo!

Right, off we go.

Now what?

I'm glad you're all right.
I was afraid there'd been an accident.

Well, we had to stop
because Dad nearly had one.

Lovely day for it.

Better still if we'd got the groom.

He's right behind. Sid's bringing him.

I can't understand it.
He’s such a dependable boy.

If he says he’s going to do
something, he always does it.

It’s a little more than saying
he’s going to do something.

He’s going to get married.

Here they come.
About bleeding time too.

Dad!

Well, it bloody is.

-Where's Timmy, then?
-I was hoping he was here.

-But you were bringing him.
-Yeah, but I lost him.

Don't worry, love.
He can't be far away.

He’s probably
just lost his way, dear.

Here he comes.

I'm afraid that's
the next wedding.

But we haven't
finished this one yet.

I fear you're well
over your time, sir.

Can't you slide us
down one, vicar?

Well, I might just
squeeze you in at 4:00.

If you think
I'm sitting here until 4:00 o’clock…

No, no. Of course not.
Besides, my man have to go on duty later on.

There are lots of criminals
abroad, you know.

Not only abroad.

It’s so unlike Timmy.

-Is it?
-Oh, yes.

I mean, I'm sure he hasn't eloped.

Eloped, madam? Tell me,
how many girls is he engaged to?

Okay, why don't we go back
to the reception hall?

At least he knows where that is.

No, no, look, you see, reporting it to the engineers
isn't gonna get me married, ls it?

What?

Hello?

No joy?

Bloody reception-hall phone's
out of order.

1.20, including the phone.

-How far is it to London?
-Oh, about 60 miles.

Oh…

We still haven't served the wine, sir.

Look, I really don't think we should open
the champagne until we've had the wedding.

Quite right.
I'm only here for the bear anyway.

And I'm only here, sir, because your
son is supposed to marry my daughter.

Don't worry. He'll be here. Unless,
of course, he’s been arrested.

-What would be he arrested for?
-I don't know.

Your mob don't always
give reasons, do they?

Mob, as you…

-No offence.
-Yes, all right.

Just a figure of speech.

I've got a lot of respect for the police.

Thank you, yes.

Anybody ever calls them "bastards"
, I always deny it.

I'm sure the commissioner will be
most happy to know about that.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like a word with my wife.

Well, your health.

Down the hatch.

Ah, John, dear, I was
just telling Mrs. Lea,

If Timothy had been
Involved in an accident,

the police would be the
first to hear about it.

Oh, yes, certainly,
certainly. My mob…

Have already checked the hospitals.

Mind you, he could've lost his memory.

Or his nerve.

Oh, no, he’s plenty of nerve.

Well, you have to,
cleaning windows.

Timmy’s like Sidney.
He'll go up anything.

Here we are, ladies.
Reinforcement.

Oh, ta. Sidney,
do you remember

when you was an hour late
for our wedding?

Do i? I broke the zip of my trousers!

Yes, well, one hour's
a little different to three hours.

Oh…

Oh, God. It’s baby's feeding time.
I've gotta take these back.

Right, love, come on, then.

You can do it style in the Rolls.

Oh… I won't say __
because I'll see you again later.

Come on.

Look, darling, why don't you go and
have a little chat with Aunt Maisie.

She's in quite good form for a change.

I have nothing to say to Aunt Maisie.

Well, I don't like to see you
sitting here by yourself.

Daddy, do stop fussing. I'm okay.

Hello, Johnny. did you
hear the one about the fella…

who gave up drink for the
sake of his wife and kidneys?

That's bloody marvellous!

Hi.

I brought you some grub.
You're getting slashed.

Wouldn't you get slashed?

Yeah, but you ought to
soak it up with something.

Apart from anything else, I feel
such a twlt in this wedding dress.

You look gorgeous.

Stood up at the bloody altar. Me!

Yeah, well.
Maybe it’s for the beet.

And what does that mean?

Well, I don't honestly think
Timmy was ready for marriage.

So you told him to run for his life?

Me? Christ, no!
I was all for it.

Okay, I had my doubts to begin with.
Then I began to envy him.

Why, you're a very attractive woman, Liz.

If I wasn't married,
I'd be tempted to resolve.

You really are a smooth
bastard, aren't you?

What did I say?

You can't even talk to a jilted
bride without trying to pull her.

-I was only commiserating.
-I don't want commiseration.

I just want to get out of this
bloody place and this bloody outfit.

So, what's stopping you?

I'll nip round the side.
I've got my van outside.

I'll run you home.

I can't leave just like that.

Now, why not?

I'll come straight back here
and tell them…

You had an attack
of the vapours. Hmm?

Come on. Come on.

It could only happen to me.

I even get seasick looking at boats!

Talk about "Get me
to the church on time."

I'll probably turn up
and throw up.

Church? Ha!
I didn't even make the reception!

I thought of calling the house,

but I might've got her old man
and a coin up my tread.

As for my feet, well,
I'd worn them off.

They felt like the end
of my legs turned up.

The house looked even darker
than my matrimonial future.

They were either all asleep

or inspector Radlett was
lurking behind the door,

with his truncheon in his hand.

Terrific wedding night.
Everyone in bed but the groom.

And up there was my piece
of nuptial bliss.

Question was, how could Romeo get to Juliet
without his bleeding ladder?

Sid, behave yourself!

I said, I'm going to have
to put you in handcuffs.

No hard feelings then, Timmy? Eh?

Of course not, Sid. Probably saved me
from a fate worse than death anyway.

Yeah, well, I won't be up
any ladders for a while.

Not to worry, Sid.
I got it all fixed up.

Got a new boy starting tomorrow.

And remember, in our business

you gotta be immune from shocks,
especially from birds.

As long as they're satisfied customers,
they bring in the new ones, right?

-Right.
-Right.

If you ever want
your windows cleaned…

I live on a houseboat.

Fair enough.

I might even do your porthole for nothing.