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1
00:00:08,226 --> 00:00:09,693
So, folks, welcome
back to the bottom half
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00:00:09,694 --> 00:00:11,328
of the eighth inning,
or as it's better known,
3
00:00:11,329 --> 00:00:13,397
the Gerry's Gelatin Home Run Inning.
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00:00:13,398 --> 00:00:16,200
Gerry's Gelatin...
nutritious, delicious, and fun.
5
00:00:16,201 --> 00:00:17,835
G-G-G-Gerry's.
6
00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:19,703
If someone knocks one out of the park
7
00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:21,905
in a long Italian boat, for a gondola,
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00:00:21,906 --> 00:00:24,174
Dan Hobert of Sedalia's
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00:00:24,175 --> 00:00:27,812
gonna win a six-month supply
of gelatin, so good luck, Dan.
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00:00:30,048 --> 00:00:32,449
You know, folks, the great
Vin Scully once told me
11
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,384
that the only way to
call a baseball game
12
00:00:34,385 --> 00:00:36,286
is to keep your eyes open
and to tell the truth.
13
00:00:36,287 --> 00:00:39,557
As Ibañez swings and misses
at a fastball, 0 and 1.
14
00:00:50,401 --> 00:00:51,935
Folks, here's the truth...
15
00:00:51,936 --> 00:00:55,305
Today is the 20th anniversary
of the very first time
16
00:00:55,306 --> 00:00:58,008
that I told my lovely
wife Lucy that I loved her.
17
00:00:58,009 --> 00:01:00,244
And ever since that
day, as many of you know,
18
00:01:00,245 --> 00:01:02,646
I've signed off every single
game the exact same way,
19
00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:04,014
with a message to her.
20
00:01:04,015 --> 00:01:06,517
Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear,
21
00:01:06,518 --> 00:01:08,318
because this ball game is over,
22
00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:10,387
as Pedro delivers a
slider into the dirt.
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00:01:10,388 --> 00:01:13,624
Count evens, 1 and 1.
24
00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:17,060
Any-hoos, I had some time at
the ball park this afternoon
25
00:01:17,061 --> 00:01:19,029
to reflect upon this
wonderful anniversary
26
00:01:19,030 --> 00:01:21,798
as Ibañez slashes one
foul into the right side.
27
00:01:21,799 --> 00:01:23,500
And I decided to go on home
28
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:26,370
and surprise my wife
Lucy with some gardenias.
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00:01:26,371 --> 00:01:27,871
They're her favorite flower.
30
00:01:33,678 --> 00:01:37,080
Please imagine my surprise
when I opened my front door
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00:01:37,081 --> 00:01:39,516
to find about a half-dozen naked folks
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00:01:39,517 --> 00:01:40,884
sprawled out in my living room,
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00:01:40,885 --> 00:01:43,387
engaged in what can only be described
34
00:01:43,388 --> 00:01:46,423
as a desperate and a hungry
account of a love-making,
35
00:01:46,424 --> 00:01:52,296
and right in the center
of it all was my wi...
36
00:01:52,297 --> 00:01:53,664
My wife, Lucy.
37
00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:56,733
She was wearing a strap-on,
38
00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:59,369
and she was plowing our
neighbor, Bob Greenwald,
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00:01:59,370 --> 00:02:01,572
and folks, I do mean right in the ass.
40
00:02:01,573 --> 00:02:03,307
Fastball misses. Just low.
41
00:02:03,308 --> 00:02:05,142
Count goes full 3 and 2.
42
00:02:05,143 --> 00:02:06,376
Did he just say "strap-on?"
43
00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:07,611
Hey, for you kids at home,
44
00:02:07,612 --> 00:02:10,247
a strap-on is a belt with a dildo on it
45
00:02:10,248 --> 00:02:12,249
that mommies use to penetrate daddies
46
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:15,452
as Ibañez strikes
out on a high fastball.
47
00:02:15,453 --> 00:02:16,920
That'll bring Clark up to bat.
48
00:02:16,921 --> 00:02:19,756
Clark having himself a heck of
an afternoon with two doubles.
49
00:02:19,757 --> 00:02:22,059
Bob Greenwald. Bob Greenwald!
50
00:02:22,060 --> 00:02:25,796
I mean, that two-faced S.O.B.
I hosted his kid's Bar Mitzvah.
51
00:02:25,797 --> 00:02:28,599
I hosted his kid's Bar Mitzvah!
52
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,767
Here's the kicker. Here's what kills me.
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00:02:30,768 --> 00:02:34,571
My wife Lucy has the stone,
she has the unmitigated gall
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00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:38,976
to turn to me and tell me
that she is a sexual astronaut.
55
00:02:38,977 --> 00:02:41,044
I mean, what is that?
What does that even mean?
56
00:02:41,045 --> 00:02:43,313
I mean, granted, Bob Greenwald's ass
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00:02:43,314 --> 00:02:45,349
might be as big as the goddamn moon.
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00:02:45,350 --> 00:02:48,719
That does not mean that my wife
has been to outer space, okay?
59
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,955
And that is a deep fly
ball to right center field.
60
00:02:51,956 --> 00:02:53,757
- That one is way back there!
- Jim! Jim!
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00:02:53,758 --> 00:02:56,893
That's either out of here
or lost inside my wife's
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00:02:56,894 --> 00:03:00,230
big, fat, cheating vagina!
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00:03:00,231 --> 00:03:03,400
Congratulations, Dan Hobert of Sedalia.
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00:03:03,401 --> 00:03:06,570
I only hope you enjoy
gelatin half as much
65
00:03:06,571 --> 00:03:08,772
as my lovely wife enjoys...
66
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:16,780
Jim! Just call the game!
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00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:18,548
I am calling the goddamn game.
68
00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:19,583
Jim! Calm down, Jim!
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00:03:19,584 --> 00:03:20,818
God damn! No, why don't you calm down?
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00:03:23,955 --> 00:03:25,288
Whore!
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00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,624
You people be professional!
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00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:30,160
Gerry's Gelatin...
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00:03:30,161 --> 00:03:33,096
delicious, nutritious, and fun.
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00:03:33,097 --> 00:03:34,431
G-G-G-Gerry's.
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00:03:47,245 --> 00:03:49,479
Today might say Spring on the calendar,
76
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,249
but Old Man Winter is
still reaching his hand
77
00:03:52,250 --> 00:03:56,319
inside your coat and giving
one last squeeze, isn't he?
78
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,788
Still...
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00:03:57,789 --> 00:04:01,591
Anything beats that three-hour
bus ride from Pittsburgh.
80
00:04:01,592 --> 00:04:04,594
Very difficult not to get claustrophobic
81
00:04:04,595 --> 00:04:07,731
around all of that concentrated sadness.
82
00:04:07,732 --> 00:04:09,433
And as a result,
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00:04:09,434 --> 00:04:12,470
Brockmire's gonna reach
for the doobie early.
84
00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:29,419
Well. Let's see who we have
in attendance here today.
85
00:04:31,089 --> 00:04:35,493
I see we have some feral dogs.
86
00:04:37,195 --> 00:04:40,530
And a boy with a gun.
87
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:43,367
And Brockmire is officially disturbed.
88
00:04:51,309 --> 00:04:52,676
Oh, shit!
89
00:04:52,682 --> 00:04:54,678
- Jim Brockmire?
- Yeah.
90
00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,614
I'm Julia James. I'm the owner
of the team here in Morristown.
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00:04:57,615 --> 00:04:58,515
Yeah. Ms. James...
92
00:04:58,516 --> 00:04:59,449
Oh, call me Jules.
93
00:04:59,450 --> 00:05:01,952
Whatever. Um, fire.
94
00:05:01,953 --> 00:05:03,353
Yeah, we get those around here.
95
00:05:03,354 --> 00:05:04,888
Are you ready to get started?
96
00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:05,722
What can I grab?
97
00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:08,191
Uh, careful.
98
00:05:08,192 --> 00:05:11,495
You're wearing your jacket!
99
00:05:11,496 --> 00:05:13,396
Welcome to the minor
leagues, Jim Brockmire.
100
00:05:19,771 --> 00:05:22,339
Oh, what is that smell?
101
00:05:22,340 --> 00:05:25,442
Oh, that's waster water
from the fracking runoff.
102
00:05:25,443 --> 00:05:27,778
To, um... To get natural
gas from the shale,
103
00:05:27,779 --> 00:05:30,046
they have to pump all kinds
of nasty shit into the ground.
104
00:05:30,047 --> 00:05:31,348
Where do they do all that?
105
00:05:31,349 --> 00:05:32,916
Right here.
106
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:34,818
Here, right now, where we are?
107
00:05:34,819 --> 00:05:36,153
Well, here, there.
108
00:05:36,154 --> 00:05:38,121
Pretty much everywhere
beneath Morristown.
109
00:05:39,614 --> 00:05:42,492
One of the perks of owning
the bar... no corkage.
110
00:05:42,493 --> 00:05:43,693
Keep it Brockmire.
111
00:05:43,694 --> 00:05:45,429
Mm-hmm.
112
00:05:49,191 --> 00:05:51,134
Mnh.
113
00:05:51,135 --> 00:05:52,435
On the phone, you said you haven't been
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00:05:52,436 --> 00:05:55,939
back to the states since the, um...
115
00:05:55,940 --> 00:05:57,107
In a long time.
116
00:05:57,108 --> 00:05:58,842
No, I've been spanning the globe.
117
00:05:58,843 --> 00:06:01,678
I've been calling every kind
of sporting event that exists.
118
00:06:01,679 --> 00:06:03,079
Finally, I would up in Manila
119
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,649
where I've been calling the
cock fights on television.
120
00:06:05,650 --> 00:06:07,484
Ah, what the hell?
121
00:06:07,485 --> 00:06:09,119
I figure by now I'm just a joke
122
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,821
that everybody's forgotten about.
123
00:06:10,822 --> 00:06:13,391
Yeah, right.
124
00:06:14,792 --> 00:06:17,828
Are you serious?
125
00:06:17,829 --> 00:06:19,296
Do you not use the Internet?
126
00:06:19,297 --> 00:06:21,398
No, I don't bother with that thing.
127
00:06:21,399 --> 00:06:23,767
If I need porn, I just buy a nudie mag,
128
00:06:23,768 --> 00:06:26,203
like my father and
his father before him.
129
00:06:26,204 --> 00:06:27,904
Okay, so, "Keepin' it Brockmire",
130
00:06:27,905 --> 00:06:29,339
that means nothing to you?
131
00:06:29,340 --> 00:06:30,374
Should it?
132
00:06:41,986 --> 00:06:44,287
Try to look past the wear and tear
133
00:06:44,288 --> 00:06:47,123
to the reservoir of charm underneath.
134
00:06:47,124 --> 00:06:49,492
It should be like looking in the mirror.
135
00:06:56,901 --> 00:06:58,668
This is it, and this is Charles.
136
00:06:58,669 --> 00:06:59,836
He'll be, uh...
137
00:06:59,837 --> 00:07:01,738
He'll be helping you
with your broadcasts.
138
00:07:01,739 --> 00:07:03,356
All right.
139
00:07:03,403 --> 00:07:06,943
Well, may I ask your
qualifications, son?
140
00:07:06,944 --> 00:07:11,047
He's, uh, basically
an Internet whiz kid.
141
00:07:11,048 --> 00:07:12,949
Uh, yeah. I, um...
142
00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:14,951
I have the most Twitter
followers in town.
143
00:07:14,952 --> 00:07:19,055
I, uh, have over 4 million
Vine loops in total.
144
00:07:19,056 --> 00:07:22,259
DJ Khaled once shouted
me out on a jet ski.
145
00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:25,263
All right. Where's my actual
radio producer, though?
146
00:07:26,297 --> 00:07:28,932
Currently, we don't
have a radio contract.
147
00:07:28,933 --> 00:07:32,102
Well, then who am I broadcasting to?
148
00:07:32,103 --> 00:07:33,837
You'll be doing exclusive play-by-play
149
00:07:33,838 --> 00:07:37,298
to the stadium that people
pay admission to hear.
150
00:07:37,306 --> 00:07:39,776
I'm the P.A. announcer?
151
00:07:39,777 --> 00:07:40,853
Darling, on the phone,
152
00:07:40,876 --> 00:07:44,114
you promised me a multi-platform
distribution dealy.
153
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:46,850
Yeah, that was kind a
euphemism for the Internet
154
00:07:46,851 --> 00:07:50,787
where Charles here
will be uploading clips
155
00:07:50,788 --> 00:07:52,088
of your broadcasts.
156
00:07:52,089 --> 00:07:53,323
Yeah. I, um...
157
00:07:53,329 --> 00:07:55,510
I've been working on keeping
my hand really steady.
158
00:07:55,536 --> 00:07:57,727
Um, you lied to me.
159
00:07:57,728 --> 00:07:59,562
I hustled you. There's a difference.
160
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,730
Hey. Hey!
161
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,766
I didn't just take a 12-hour plane ride
162
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:04,401
to get a semantics lesson, all right?
163
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,658
And who in the world is
gonna watch video clips of me
164
00:08:06,664 --> 00:08:09,523
on the Innernet?
165
00:08:09,586 --> 00:08:12,075
He's never seen any of them.
166
00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:13,877
- Well, you know what? Pull one up.
- How... How is that?
167
00:08:13,878 --> 00:08:15,745
Yeah, he doesn't own a computer.
168
00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:16,943
Can you... Let's just show him.
169
00:08:16,966 --> 00:08:19,049
It'll be easier if we just show you.
170
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,103
Show me w-what?
171
00:08:20,183 --> 00:08:21,283
I'll do the conference room one.
172
00:08:21,284 --> 00:08:22,017
Oh, yeah, that's good.
173
00:08:22,018 --> 00:08:23,418
It's my favorite, anyway.
174
00:08:23,419 --> 00:08:26,154
I want to apologize to
the people of Kansas City,
175
00:08:26,155 --> 00:08:29,724
and most importantly, to my wife Lucy,
176
00:08:29,725 --> 00:08:31,092
who I can still smell.
177
00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,895
I think she's... Yeah,
she's... she's in my jacket.
178
00:08:33,896 --> 00:08:36,598
Excuse me. Please, bear with me.
179
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,233
I'd like to apologize to the people...
180
00:08:38,234 --> 00:08:40,836
No, it's... I can still smell her.
181
00:08:40,837 --> 00:08:42,537
She's in my shirt.
182
00:08:43,372 --> 00:08:45,006
I can still smell her.
183
00:08:45,007 --> 00:08:47,843
I can't do this if I can smell her.
184
00:08:47,844 --> 00:08:51,012
Lucy, you are not a whore.
Whores get paid money.
185
00:08:51,013 --> 00:08:52,981
You are a slut.
186
00:08:52,982 --> 00:08:54,691
A dirty, dirty slut.
187
00:08:54,769 --> 00:08:58,253
I apologize for that, too.
Why can I still smell her?
188
00:08:58,254 --> 00:09:00,455
Well, she's in my skin, is why.
189
00:09:00,456 --> 00:09:01,590
No, no. Kevin. I've got it.
190
00:09:01,591 --> 00:09:03,859
Anyway. So...
191
00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,994
Mm. 10 years ago,
192
00:09:05,995 --> 00:09:09,030
your breakdown in the booth
and... and press conference
193
00:09:09,031 --> 00:09:11,633
were like the original viral videos.
194
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,668
So that's pretty neat. Right?
195
00:09:13,669 --> 00:09:15,804
- I mean...
- There's a lady on my face!
196
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,806
Are you kidding me? There's a lady...
197
00:09:19,742 --> 00:09:21,376
I'm so... I'm sorry.
198
00:09:21,377 --> 00:09:23,445
That... That part, it always gets me.
199
00:09:23,446 --> 00:09:26,281
Steve! There's a lady on my face!
200
00:09:26,282 --> 00:09:27,682
All right, just get it
off. Get it off, please.
201
00:09:27,683 --> 00:09:28,752
Get it off of where?
202
00:09:28,799 --> 00:09:29,908
Make it go away.
203
00:09:29,947 --> 00:09:31,150
Well, I can't.
204
00:09:31,174 --> 00:09:33,021
No, don't pause... Just get it...
205
00:09:33,022 --> 00:09:34,670
- Get it off of there.
- Hey, the thing is,
206
00:09:34,724 --> 00:09:36,771
I can't get it off 'cause
it's on the Internet.
207
00:09:36,889 --> 00:09:40,324
- So it's... it's forever.
- It's permanent.
208
00:09:40,402 --> 00:09:43,511
So people just watch videos
of the worst moments of my life
209
00:09:43,628 --> 00:09:45,429
and just laugh at my pain?
210
00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:48,098
- No.
- Yes.
211
00:09:48,099 --> 00:09:49,766
Oh, my God. I mean, you know,
212
00:09:49,767 --> 00:09:52,069
I thought I hit rock bottom
in a handicapped stall
213
00:09:52,070 --> 00:09:55,572
in Bangkok when a Thai lady-boy
snorted crank off my Johnson
214
00:09:55,573 --> 00:09:58,341
while a sunburned German
watched us on the toilet.
215
00:09:58,342 --> 00:09:59,876
There he is.
216
00:10:00,712 --> 00:10:01,912
You can still paint a picture.
217
00:10:01,913 --> 00:10:05,348
Yeah, but that... That
is a good deal worse.
218
00:10:05,349 --> 00:10:06,516
Brockmire, listen to me.
219
00:10:07,719 --> 00:10:09,553
That is not what you're
gonna be remembered for.
220
00:10:09,554 --> 00:10:11,521
Trust me. I have a plan.
221
00:10:11,522 --> 00:10:13,023
Uh, quick question.
222
00:10:13,024 --> 00:10:15,926
So, the... the German guy...
223
00:10:15,927 --> 00:10:19,396
Was he on the toilet or
was he, like, on the toilet?
224
00:10:19,397 --> 00:10:21,398
The guys are dying to meet you!
225
00:10:21,399 --> 00:10:23,701
Uh, let's head down to the locker room.
226
00:10:27,472 --> 00:10:28,305
There's a lady on my face!
227
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:31,875
Okay? There's a lady on my face!
228
00:10:31,876 --> 00:10:33,543
There's a lady on my face, Kevin.
229
00:10:33,544 --> 00:10:34,778
Oh, Kevin!
230
00:10:34,779 --> 00:10:36,314
There's a lady on my face!
231
00:10:37,548 --> 00:10:40,383
Hey! Everybody decent?
232
00:10:42,553 --> 00:10:45,122
Damn, boss. Why you dressed up today?
233
00:10:45,123 --> 00:10:46,923
What? I'm not!
234
00:10:46,924 --> 00:10:49,693
This will be your legacy.
235
00:10:49,694 --> 00:10:53,330
Calling Morristown's
magical 2017 season.
236
00:10:53,331 --> 00:10:54,731
Guys, no smoking. Come on.
237
00:10:54,732 --> 00:10:56,666
I-I'm sorry, but am
I... am I supposed to be
238
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:57,701
impressed by this?
239
00:10:57,702 --> 00:10:59,936
I convinced Major
League players, coaches,
240
00:10:59,937 --> 00:11:01,271
and one legendary broadcaster
241
00:11:01,272 --> 00:11:03,039
to come to Morristown, Pennsylvania.
242
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,775
Heck yeah, you should be impressed!
243
00:11:04,776 --> 00:11:07,410
No. No!
244
00:11:07,411 --> 00:11:09,412
She's on my face.
245
00:11:09,413 --> 00:11:10,747
Lady on my face!
246
00:11:10,748 --> 00:11:12,249
- That's the guy!
- Brockmire!
247
00:11:13,751 --> 00:11:16,453
Guys, no!
248
00:11:25,396 --> 00:11:26,830
Wait! Brockmire,
249
00:11:26,831 --> 00:11:29,367
the bus doesn't even
leave till tomorrow!
250
00:11:33,604 --> 00:11:37,474
Hey.
251
00:11:37,475 --> 00:11:40,677
I know a place where
you can drink for free.
252
00:11:44,782 --> 00:11:48,351
And by free, I meant well
drinks with half-off top shelf.
253
00:11:48,352 --> 00:11:51,749
The silent treatment? Really?
254
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:53,757
Okay.
255
00:11:53,758 --> 00:11:55,025
While I have the floor,
256
00:11:55,026 --> 00:11:57,127
I'd like to direct your
attention to the memorial
257
00:11:57,128 --> 00:11:58,995
my father made to his favorite player.
258
00:11:58,996 --> 00:12:01,932
"Pops" himself, Willie
Stargell. I'm 8 years old.
259
00:12:01,933 --> 00:12:03,333
He pulls me out of school
in the middle of the day
260
00:12:03,334 --> 00:12:05,435
to see Pops' last game.
261
00:12:05,436 --> 00:12:09,206
He tells my teachers, "When God retires,
262
00:12:09,207 --> 00:12:12,375
the least you could do is
give him a round of applause."
263
00:12:12,376 --> 00:12:14,511
We had seats down the first base line.
264
00:12:14,512 --> 00:12:17,147
Pops got his last hit
right in front of us.
265
00:12:17,148 --> 00:12:19,282
Just a little squib back to the pitcher.
266
00:12:19,283 --> 00:12:21,718
Guy's a Hall of Famer,
but in that moment,
267
00:12:21,719 --> 00:12:24,087
he's just an overweight,
268
00:12:24,088 --> 00:12:25,622
middle-aged man in yellow spandex
269
00:12:25,623 --> 00:12:28,558
hustling to beat out an infield single.
270
00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:30,861
And it taught me a
lesson I never forgot.
271
00:12:30,862 --> 00:12:32,095
You do whatever you can
272
00:12:32,096 --> 00:12:34,298
to accomplish what you can when you can.
273
00:12:41,806 --> 00:12:44,808
I sold my house and took out
a second mortgage on the bar
274
00:12:44,809 --> 00:12:47,242
to buy the Frackers, and
I did it for one reason.
275
00:12:47,248 --> 00:12:50,717
It's the same reason you
flew 9,000 miles to be here.
276
00:12:50,948 --> 00:12:55,786
Neither of us can imagine
a life without baseball.
277
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:07,130
"Frackers" is a very stupid
name for a baseball team.
278
00:13:07,131 --> 00:13:11,616
Yeah? Well, before this, we
were the Morristown Savages,
279
00:13:11,622 --> 00:13:14,514
and our mascot was a little
baseball with a headdress
280
00:13:14,632 --> 00:13:16,033
who rolled around drunk.
281
00:13:16,034 --> 00:13:18,002
So Frackers is an upgrade.
282
00:13:20,271 --> 00:13:22,574
I hung out with Pops once or twice.
283
00:13:24,163 --> 00:13:25,163
What?!
284
00:13:25,376 --> 00:13:26,810
Bury the lead!
285
00:13:26,811 --> 00:13:29,246
What was he like?
286
00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:30,647
Pops?
287
00:13:30,648 --> 00:13:32,483
He made you feel like
you could climb Everest,
288
00:13:32,484 --> 00:13:35,319
as long as he was in front
of you throwing down the rope.
289
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,921
See? That's the kind of
stuff you need to be saying
290
00:13:37,922 --> 00:13:39,890
into a microphone at one of my games.
291
00:13:41,593 --> 00:13:43,327
Don't go back to Manila.
292
00:13:43,328 --> 00:13:45,028
Besides, it'd be pointless.
293
00:13:45,029 --> 00:13:47,364
You can't run away from the
truth now that you've heard it.
294
00:13:50,368 --> 00:13:52,670
Stay here.
295
00:13:54,339 --> 00:13:56,340
You know what?
296
00:13:56,341 --> 00:13:59,910
You are absolutely right, Ms. James.
297
00:13:59,911 --> 00:14:03,147
Of course I am.
298
00:14:03,148 --> 00:14:05,115
About which part?
299
00:14:05,116 --> 00:14:07,651
Ignorance is no longer an option for me.
300
00:14:07,652 --> 00:14:12,356
I need to know everything,
and I need to know it now.
301
00:14:12,357 --> 00:14:14,925
At this point, you're a way of life.
302
00:14:14,926 --> 00:14:16,493
People "keep it Brockmire."
303
00:14:16,494 --> 00:14:19,563
Yeah. I keep seeing pictures
of tattoos that say that.
304
00:14:19,564 --> 00:14:20,373
What is that?
305
00:14:20,422 --> 00:14:22,022
Yeah, well, Drake started it.
306
00:14:22,133 --> 00:14:25,035
"She was a 7, but I still
set her pussy on fire,
307
00:14:25,036 --> 00:14:26,703
You know your boy keep it Brockmire."
308
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:30,974
B... You're a legend.
309
00:14:30,975 --> 00:14:35,846
Who care if it's because your
wife Lucy'd Bob Greenwald?
310
00:14:35,847 --> 00:14:37,649
I'm sorry, my wife what?
311
00:14:39,517 --> 00:14:42,519
Mnh.
312
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,322
"Lucy'd" is slang
313
00:14:45,323 --> 00:14:49,726
for when a woman
314
00:14:49,727 --> 00:14:53,263
does a man in the butt.
315
00:15:05,910 --> 00:15:07,444
You want to get high?
316
00:15:07,445 --> 00:15:09,813
So I need stimulants to outrun
317
00:15:09,814 --> 00:15:11,548
the waves of depression
318
00:15:11,549 --> 00:15:14,651
currently approaching
high tide in my body.
319
00:15:14,652 --> 00:15:17,821
So we're chewing some khat here.
320
00:15:17,822 --> 00:15:20,458
This is a habit that
I picked up in Yemen.
321
00:15:23,795 --> 00:15:25,731
Are you bitching out on me?
Is that what you're doing?
322
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,419
Psht.
323
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,500
Just chew it up there.
324
00:15:32,570 --> 00:15:35,272
There you go.
325
00:15:35,273 --> 00:15:37,307
Son, I have a question for you.
326
00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:40,510
And I'd like you to,
uh, keep it Brockmire.
327
00:15:40,511 --> 00:15:42,246
Mm-hmm.
328
00:15:42,247 --> 00:15:44,381
You think I'm ever gonna
be remembered for anything
329
00:15:44,382 --> 00:15:48,585
except for the worst moments of my life?
330
00:15:48,586 --> 00:15:52,856
They got you on video, dude... Twice.
331
00:15:52,857 --> 00:15:55,559
You're Brutal Brockmire
till the day you die.
332
00:15:59,413 --> 00:16:01,314
Yeah, that's what I thought.
333
00:16:04,759 --> 00:16:06,393
You know, I don't feel anything.
334
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,609
Oh, just give it time.
335
00:16:10,074 --> 00:16:12,175
Whoo! This is fun!
336
00:16:12,176 --> 00:16:13,277
Fun!
337
00:16:13,283 --> 00:16:14,883
Fu-u-u-u-un!
338
00:16:14,972 --> 00:16:18,015
Yeah, khat is somewhere
between 10 cups of coffee
339
00:16:18,016 --> 00:16:20,250
and very low-grade cocaine, so...
340
00:16:20,256 --> 00:16:22,413
It's my first time on a baseball field!
341
00:16:22,469 --> 00:16:24,069
Fun!
342
00:16:24,188 --> 00:16:25,856
How's that even possible?
343
00:16:25,857 --> 00:16:27,891
Because baseball is one
of those old-timey things
344
00:16:27,892 --> 00:16:31,128
you don't need anymore,
like cursive or e-mail!
345
00:16:32,130 --> 00:16:35,132
Stop! Right now. Freeze.
346
00:16:35,133 --> 00:16:37,935
It's August 16, 1920.
347
00:16:37,936 --> 00:16:39,636
Ray Chapman of the Cleveland Indians
348
00:16:39,637 --> 00:16:42,773
steps into the batter's box at
New York to face the Yankees.
349
00:16:42,774 --> 00:16:44,274
He looks out at the pitcher,
350
00:16:44,275 --> 00:16:46,805
but in the afternoon
light of the Polo Grounds,
351
00:16:46,852 --> 00:16:49,688
the infield is just
totally bathed in shadow.
352
00:16:49,948 --> 00:16:52,818
Pitcher wound up and
he delivered the ball,
353
00:16:52,913 --> 00:16:55,214
but that ball had
been rubbed and covered
354
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:58,884
in tobacco and dirt,
hell, even some licorice,
355
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:02,421
till it just exactly as
dark as the infield shadows
356
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,762
that complete hid it from Ray Chapman.
357
00:17:04,787 --> 00:17:05,954
- Bam!
- Aah!
358
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:08,426
Down he went! He got
hit right in the temple!
359
00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:09,829
Never saw it coming.
360
00:17:09,830 --> 00:17:12,064
He died right there,
right at home plate!
361
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:15,000
W-Why... Why... Why
are you telling me this?
362
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,953
I'm high and very fragile right now.
363
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:21,607
Why would you tell me an awful
story in which some guy dies?!
364
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,843
The thing is, was it awful, though?
365
00:17:23,844 --> 00:17:27,446
Think about it... Ray Chapman
spent his last moments on Earth
366
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:32,852
playing a wonderful game
on a warm summer afternoon.
367
00:17:32,853 --> 00:17:36,021
And is there a better
way to go out than that?
368
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:43,429
Well, that's just a waste of good khat.
369
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,939
I'm really glad you decided to stay.
370
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:55,650
Today's gonna be a big day.
371
00:17:55,702 --> 00:17:57,035
Oh, yes, indeed,
372
00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:00,579
'cause I decided to call
one final baseball game
373
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,182
and then kill myself.
374
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:05,785
Please give that suicide
note to Lucy after I'm gone.
375
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,048
It just says you.
376
00:18:13,054 --> 00:18:16,196
She'll know what it's regardin'.
377
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:19,082
All right, two outs now.
378
00:18:19,088 --> 00:18:20,996
Bottom of the eighth.
Or as I used to know it,
379
00:18:21,035 --> 00:18:23,324
the Gerry's Gelatin Home Run Inning.
380
00:18:23,402 --> 00:18:25,303
Let's go, Frackers!
381
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:26,938
Hey, a fun fact, folks.
382
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,341
Gelatin is made from the bones
of slaughtered cows and pigs,
383
00:18:30,342 --> 00:18:33,344
which are then crushed
and treatment with acids
384
00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:37,448
and chemicals until they reduce
to a fine collagen powder.
385
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:40,384
Fastball just catches the
inside corner, 0 and 1.
386
00:18:40,385 --> 00:18:42,853
I ask you, Morristown,
what kind of a creature
387
00:18:42,854 --> 00:18:45,423
doesn't just kill its
prey, but then uses science
388
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,592
to rob it of its very living essence?
389
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:50,328
Stevens just misses with
a breaking ball outside.
390
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,762
Count evens, 1 and 1.
391
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,698
Make no mistake.
392
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:56,200
There's nothing decent
about human beings, folks.
393
00:18:56,201 --> 00:18:59,103
No objective, definable form of good.
394
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:00,404
Not really a soul.
395
00:19:00,405 --> 00:19:02,440
More like the absence of a soul.
396
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:07,645
Juuuuuuuust blackness.
397
00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:12,016
So, if you want to stare into
the gaping yawn of oblivion,
398
00:19:12,017 --> 00:19:13,317
don't look up to the heavens.
399
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:14,452
No, no.
400
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:16,387
Just look squarely into the mirror.
401
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:18,222
Strike 3!
402
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:19,690
Strike 3 called, and
that'll end the eighth.
403
00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:21,325
What the hell was that, Brockmire?!
404
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:22,461
I'm trying to focus here!
405
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,331
Enough of the kid glove shit, okay?
406
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,867
So, boo-hoo, your wife
Lucy'd your neighbor.
407
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,268
That's just a word everybody uses?
408
00:19:31,269 --> 00:19:33,070
Babies, grandmas, just everybody?
409
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:36,941
Personally, when I stare into
the gaping yawn of oblivion,
410
00:19:36,942 --> 00:19:38,242
or whatever you were talking about,
411
00:19:38,243 --> 00:19:39,744
I ball my fists and take a swing!
412
00:19:39,745 --> 00:19:40,878
Well, hey, good for you.
413
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:42,647
If you're gonna eat a bullet, so be it.
414
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:43,848
Nobody here's gonna stop you.
415
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,149
Well, no, no, no. I love naps,
416
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:47,318
so it's pills with a
bag over my head for me.
417
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,720
Might even draw a little
smiley face on the bag,
418
00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:51,756
add a sense of whimsy
to the proceedings.
419
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:53,724
Whatever way you want
to do it, sounds great.
420
00:19:53,725 --> 00:19:56,260
But if you go, you're gonna
miss a hell of a season.
421
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:58,262
Darling, I have seen enough baseball
422
00:19:58,263 --> 00:19:59,864
to last me 100 lifetimes.
423
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,968
"Darling," you've never
seen anything like this.
424
00:20:06,571 --> 00:20:07,838
All right.
425
00:20:07,839 --> 00:20:09,440
Stepping in to pinch-hit now
426
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:12,543
for the Frackers is
former competitive eater,
427
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,011
Fatty Boombalatty.
428
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:16,447
That's right, I said Fatty Boombalatty.
429
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:18,382
And at 400 pounds,
430
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,317
he is officially the fattest player
431
00:20:20,318 --> 00:20:21,619
in the history of baseball.
432
00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:23,387
Folks, that's no small feat
433
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:24,755
because fat guys have
been a part of this game
434
00:20:24,756 --> 00:20:25,623
from the beginning.
435
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:26,991
Babe Ruth himself,
436
00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:28,659
the very greatest of the greats,
437
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,895
was also a big, fat piece of shit,
438
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:34,532
so wonderful bit of history
we are looking at here.
439
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,468
Ah, here comes the pitch.
440
00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:39,537
Whew! Ouch.
441
00:20:39,538 --> 00:20:41,372
Well, that was nothing
if not predictable.
442
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:43,207
And as he makes his way to first,
443
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:46,043
stepping in now for the
Frackers is who I believe to be
444
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:48,779
the second-fattest man in
the history of baseball,
445
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:52,383
former long-haul trucker
and gout survivor.
446
00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:53,851
Mr. Doug Romero.
447
00:20:53,852 --> 00:20:57,788
Ohh! That was fast.
448
00:20:57,789 --> 00:21:02,227
Okay. Two on now, and folks, see
if you can sense a pattern here.
449
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:04,862
Oh, shit!
450
00:21:04,863 --> 00:21:06,897
Ooh, that one had some
anger behind it, didn't it?
451
00:21:06,898 --> 00:21:11,268
All right. Bases loaded
as Pedro Uribe steps in.
452
00:21:12,838 --> 00:21:14,705
Uribe during his time in the big leagues
453
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,116
was known as "The Grand Slam King."
454
00:21:17,178 --> 00:21:19,877
Frackers have used some
pretty ingenious gamesmanship
455
00:21:19,878 --> 00:21:21,045
to load the bases.
456
00:21:21,046 --> 00:21:23,080
Let's see if they can
do anything with it.
457
00:21:23,081 --> 00:21:27,151
Hello, baby.
458
00:21:27,152 --> 00:21:28,719
Here comes the pitch.
459
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,123
- Pedro!
- Bring it home, Pedro!
460
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:37,094
Oh, folks, that ball cannot
be buried in a Jewish cemetery
461
00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:40,865
because it just got tattooed!
462
00:21:40,866 --> 00:21:43,534
Oh, man!
463
00:21:43,535 --> 00:21:48,172
$1,000 worth of cured Italian meat.
464
00:21:48,173 --> 00:21:49,740
A grand salami!
465
00:21:49,741 --> 00:21:54,945
Pedro Uribe cuts the
lead to only eight runs.
466
00:21:54,946 --> 00:21:56,580
Score is 12 to 4.
467
00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,955
I suppose you have more of
that kind of stuff planned?
468
00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:09,059
Every game.
469
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:11,863
I want top-shelf liquor
included in my free drinks.
470
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:15,767
Monday through Thursday.
471
00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:22,373
Ah, it. I'm in.
472
00:22:22,374 --> 00:22:23,841
Yes!
473
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,943
Yeah! Okay, for now.
474
00:22:25,944 --> 00:22:28,145
I'm also pretty shitfaced,
475
00:22:28,146 --> 00:22:31,715
so best to take everything I say
with a big, fat grain of salt.
476
00:22:31,716 --> 00:22:33,784
Please tell me you got
that home run on video.
477
00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:36,453
Oh, psht.
478
00:22:36,454 --> 00:22:39,876
- Yes.
- Now here's
479
00:22:40,321 --> 00:22:41,625
a minor league clip a viewer sent in.
480
00:22:41,626 --> 00:22:43,460
A home run estimated to have traveled
481
00:22:43,461 --> 00:22:45,663
an impressive 580 feet.
482
00:22:45,664 --> 00:22:47,231
But check out the elephant parade
483
00:22:47,232 --> 00:22:49,233
running around the bases.
484
00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:52,303
$1,000 worth of cured Italian meat.
485
00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:55,539
- Jimmy?
- A grand salami! Pedro Uribe
486
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,942
- cuts the lead to only eight runs.
- You're still alive?
487
00:22:59,644 --> 00:23:03,080
Frackers fans just found a
prize in the Cracker Jack box
488
00:23:03,081 --> 00:23:05,684
in the form of a bunch of fat men.
489
00:23:05,837 --> 00:23:09,903
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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