All language subtitles for s09e19_-_ps_do_i_know_you

Ah, well, that does it. 2,000 Sullivan
for Congress flyers ready to fly.

No problem.

We love monotonous, servile labor.

Dan, you're supposed to be licking this
envelope.

I sprained my tongue.

There's a campaign commercial coming
along.

Well, it's going out to the television
stations tonight, and I must say, Matt

did a good job directing it.

Really? I thought you said he went way
over budget.

Well, at first. But after I threw out
the original musical score and mixed the

underwater dream sequence, we were left
with a pretty fascinating 30 seconds.

So what's in it?

Me talking?

For 30 whole seconds?

Hope you were naked.

What you reading, Ross?

Humor in uniform?

No, that's what I'm looking at.

This is a letter from my pen pal.

Is it a he-pal or a she-pal?

A he-pal, and his name is Alex.

Oh, how delicious.

Two lonely scribes penning explicit
boudoir details accompanied by how-to

photos?

It's nothing like that.

Then why waste the stamp?

So, how'd you start writing?

Well, Alex had my apartment before I
moved in. But when he moved to

California, his mail kept coming.

So I sent him a note telling him if he
didn't do something about it, the next

package he'd get from me would explode
in his face.

How charming.

I guess I did charm him. Because the
next thing I know, he started writing to

me. Wow, what a great story.

I had a pen pal once.

But we had to stop writing.

How come?

You couldn't find the time once he
became vice president.

$55 in time, sir.

What's next, Mac?

Last case of the night, sir. Files on
its way.

Got a stamp?

Sure. Birth of the world or salute to
the cotton gin.

I don't care.

I just want to send this letter off to
Alex.

Do you two ever run out of things to
say?

No, not yet.

We write about everything.

Alex has a really interesting take on
life.

A real joie de vivre.

What does he do?

He's a nut salesman from Fresno.

Why can't I ever meet a professional?

When are you going to finally meet?

Never, I hope.

I'm afraid if I ever met Alex, it would
take all the fun out of the fantasy.

Yeah, I feel the same way about Lamb
Chop.

Yes, sir. People versus Fingers Kirby.

Prosecution? Yes, sir. Fingers was
fingered at a downtown hotel after he

had picked his way into 27 different
rooms and cleaned out all of the honor

bars.

How dishonorable of you.

Come on, they charge 18 bucks for a club
soda. You should see what they get for a

tin of beef jerky.

Defense.

I believe beef jerky runs about $22.

Wow, that is a crime.

Unfortunately, it's not the one we're
discussing here.

I'll hold this over for trial, and good
night, folks.

Hey, everybody, don't forget my campaign
ad is on tonight. Well, not exactly

tonight. More like tomorrow morning.

Early.

How early?

4.16 a.m.

At that time of the morning, the only
thing I'm going to be watching is the

inside of my eyelids.

Oh, what channel is that on?

Hey, hey, hey. It's a great time slot.

Christine's commercial airs between I'll
Miss Brooks and that show that stars

that vegetable juicer.

You know, you guys can set your VCRs for
my debut. I don't expect you to stay up.

I've got a date with my favorite
stewardess, Patina. If I pace myself, I

should still be up.

I think you're going to be very
impressed with this commercial.

With my artistic eye and brilliant
execution, I am confident that this spot

is going to put Christine Sullivan on
everybody's lips.

Don't, Dan.

Hey,

hey, do you want to go to dinner with
me? My stewardess can't get back from

Chicago. She's got a layover, which
means that I won't.

Sure, I'll go.

What you doing?

Oh, I'm just looking through some of
these old legal texts.

Look at this.

Prohibition mandates.

This is a dry subject.

Wow.

Whoa.

Look at that. A safe? How did you do
that?

I don't know. Must have been this book.

Yeah, there's a hidden trigger back
there.

Hold on a second. You mean you didn't
know that was there? No, I've never seen

it. Wow.

That sucker is old.

I wonder what's in it.

This is not a sandbox. It's my office.

Finders, keep doing what we both saw.
Oh, what are we doing?

Probably nothing in there but dust. I'm
sure whoever had that safe cleared it

out before he left the office.

Probably right.

I bet you nobody even knows it's there.

Hey, you found Judge Grimm's old safe.

You knew about this book?

Sure. Rumor has it the old judge was on
a take to the tune of millions.

lucrative blackmail business.

Oh.

He supposedly had the goods on all the
rich and famous of the time.

Celebrities, politicians, even Houdini.

Oh.

Well, then there's probably nothing in
there except some old photos and

letters. Yeah, probably.

Well, good night.

Night, Paul.

Night, Paul. See ya.

If there was ever any doubt about my
vote, it was erased last night.

Christine Sullivan must be elected to
Congress. Mac, your commercial inspired

me. Well, thanks, Harriet. Hey, never
underestimate the power of advertising.

I'll say.

I taped the wrong commercial, Norm's
Auto World.

Now I'm the proud owner of a lime green
Pacer.

Mac, the commercial is doing wonders.

My headquarters has been flooded with
new volunteers and pledges of support.

Good for you, Christine. I thought that
commercial was great.

Christine, your commercial inspired me
so much, I'm pledging my entire piggy

bank to your campaign.

Oh, thank you. I just wouldn't feel
right about taking your savings.

And besides, it takes a sizable amount
to keep a campaign running.

Okay, I guess you're right.

My measly $40,000 probably wouldn't make
a dent.

the title producer grab you?

Gee, Dan, got a leak?

Beg your pardon?

The tools.

Oh, no, no.

Harry has a loose tooth.

And I'm going to help him pull it. Come
along, Harry. Yeah, thanks, Dan.

Oh, you know, my mother used to pull my
loose teeth by tying a string around it

and attaching the other end to the
ceiling fan at Woolworth's.

work, we'll try that.

Yeah.

Who have you been?

Checking my phone machine.

Any interesting calls?

Just one.

Alec. He's in town and he wants to meet
me after work.

Oh, Ross!

You're gonna finally meet your mystery
man.

That's great.

Yeah.

Great.

That's a wrap.

Now, look, this computer program will
show us all the possible combinations to

the... You know what? Come on.

If this doesn't work, I've got dynamite.

What are you

doing?

I'm painting the Sistine Chapel.

What does it look like? I'm
straightening up.

In fact, as soon as I finish waxing
these floors, I'm gonna go chew out the

head janitor well into the night.

You're stalling.

What's the problem, Ross? It's not like
Alex is a stranger. There are no

surprises.

Are there?

Well, thinking back, I suppose there
have been a couple of

times when maybe some of the things I
said about myself were slightly

embellished.

Such as?

I'm a classical music buff.

That's easy.

If he mentions Mozart, just say, love
that third movement.

I also said I was a figure skater.

Skate? With Holiday on Ice.

Anything else?

Oh, yeah.

One last thing.

I'm five foot two and a size three.

meet i just got carried away oh roz
there are worse things i

can't think of any at the moment but
there are i can't face him now i lied to

him i think you're missing a really
great opportunity roz yeah i

really would like to get a look at him
there's only one way to do that you

gotta go

Or you gotta go.

on her, but we're having a tough time
keeping fingers Kirby and holding.

He's picked every lock in the building.

Any suggestions?

Yeah, Bull, why don't you bring him up
here?

We can probably find something for him
to do.

about my commercial. Something is wrong.

Nothing is wrong, Christine.

Ever since the spot ad, you're up in the
polls with male voters 18 to 45.

Yes, but I'm losing support fast with
the female constituency.

The Sisters of the Flag canceled my
speech and the Amish Girls Club of

Manhattan just called off their
fundraising quilting bee.

Well, I don't know how you can blame
that on my commercial.

Well... thing is very unsettling. No,
this whole thing is really boring.

Listen, I didn't see your stupid
commercial, but you should be happy it's

getting you this much attention
regardless of which gender it's coming

from. That's right, I mean, voters are
very fickle.

Maybe those mean old Amish girls are
jealous of you.

I don't think so. Well, that outfit
really showed off your figure.

Oh, that's fine. Fine!

Five days of shooting, 20 locations, a
brilliant script, and all it comes down

to is TNA.

A technique in attitude.

I have to admit, I was filled with
trepidation about meeting you.

I didn't know what to expect, but you
are everything I imagined and more, Roz.

You're not so bad yourself.

Alex.

Wine?

No, I always talk like this.

He just looks like someone I'm supposed
to be.

I mean, no, I've never seen her before.

Oh, the tangled web I weave.

Excuse me. I can't see all the fun I'm
having.

Move it.

So, tell me all about that fabulous art
collection of yours.

Gee, it's so big I don't know where to
start.

Well...

Why don't you start with the 18th
century neoclassics you picked up on

your last trip to Florence?

Oh, yeah.

Pretty neat stuff, huh?

I think I'll have some more wine.

You know, I see a lot of couples in
here.

I think those two got chemistry.

I predict a hot night ahead for them.

You're right.

Arson is a possibility.

Anyway, they're all wrong for you. each
other.

I think they make a cute couple.

Who asked you?

Hey, five bucks so they leave here
together.

I'll take that bet.

And then there's that, um, uh, glue
painting I have. You know, the one that

was painted by the artist that was named
after the Ninja Turtle?

Raphael? How did you get one of those?
They go for millions.

Sold my Rembrandt.

Enough about me.

Let's talk about you.

How's the weather in Fresca?

That's Fresno.

Why don't we forget the talking? Let's
dance.

They're dancing.

No, they say a good dance is a prelude
to, uh... A bar brawl.

Wow.

Wow, back.

You know, Rod, the night is still young.

Why don't you show me the town?

Wow, again.

What is going on?

You're having a great time. Good night.

You win.

I lose.

As usual.

You ever make a huge mistake you knew
you were going to end up regretting

every minute for the rest of your life?

Yeah. I bought stock in Earthshoes.

it this way. The air is human, right?

Here. Here's your five dollars.

No. It's yours. You want it. No, really.
You keep it.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you both use it to buy a
drink? Or have we forgotten this is a

place of business here?

What do you say?

Got no better place to go.

And the snacks are free. Yeah, but
they're not fresh.

Sure they are.

Give me a break. These nuts have been
out of the can for two days.

Bring us some fresh ones.

When it comes to nuts, I'm an expert.

We haven't been introduced.

I'm Alex Patterson from Fresno,
California.

And you are... Out of here.

Hey, nut man.

See what you get for busting my chops?

Who was she?

First you tell me. Who was he?

He. Who?

He. Was she?

He. He was me.

Was she you?

She was me.

So, that was us.

Cheapened our whole relationship.

Cheapened? I paid $400 for that actor.

He's good. He's died on three soap
operas.

Mind if I sit down?

It's a good idea.

You know, Alex, I'm really embarrassed
about all of this.

I don't know what to say except I'm
sorry.

Me too, Roz.

So, what did you think of my chiseled
features?

Very studly.

How'd you like my perfect size three?

You look great.

Listen, now that we don't have to, would
you like to have dinner with me tonight?

I'd love that.

Let's go.

How about Thai food?

I hate Thai.

But in your letters you said you loved
it.

What can I tell you?

I lied.

Mac,

she hates me. I don't get it.

I do.

Look, I spoke to the guy who duplicated
your commercial, and I think it explains

the strange reaction you've been
getting.

What is it?

Well, you see, to save money, I bought
some used...

Apparently, it hadn't been erased
properly because some of the original

stuff bled through.

You know, a frame here and there, kind
of subliminal.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, you've been sharing our time with
Candy Goodlove, the star of Beauty and

the Priest.

This is so humiliating. We've got to get
those commercials off the air.

Look, it's already been done. It's no
big deal. I'm sure it's already a thing

of the past.

I hope you're right.

Hey, Christine Sullivan, I'm voting for
you.

See?

That's an interesting place for a bumper
sticker.

All right, if it's cash, the straight
50-50 split.

Right. I get all Houdini-related
memorabilia, and you get any

compromising blackmail photos and
documents.

Deal, deal.

Well, that's stocks and bonds.

I'll take my cut liquid acids. I've
already had some knocks in the market

this year.

Just open it.

Oh! Yes! Yes!

Oh!

Look at that!

Look at that!

It's a turkey sandwich.