All language subtitles for s09e17_-_party_girl_2

Guys, listen to this.

Congressional candidate Christine
Sullivan has accused incumbent Louise

Cahill of accepting illegal campaign
contributions in the form of a free

facelift.

Cahill retorted, I proudly wear the same
face God gave me while my perky opponent

moonlights as a test pilot for
Maybelline.

Right up there with the Lincoln-Douglas
debate.

Gee, I didn't know Lincoln had a
facelift.

You know, Christine might make an
interesting subject for my next

documentary.

Women in Politics, The New Female Mud
Wrestling.

That Louise Cahill called me perky one
more time. I'm going to punch her lights

out. Yeah, chick fight.

Seems to me you're the one who attacked
her first. Me? I never said those

things. It was my press rep.

Look at the upside.

Two weeks ago, no one recognized your
name.

Now, they all know you as the candidate
who made mudslinging an art form.

Great, so my constituency is miserable
lowlifes who thrive on Keith Todry's

scandal?

You can count on Dan's vote.

Hello, Christine.

Johnny, why did you allow them to
release this trash about Cahill?

We lucked out. It was a slow news day.
Look, we've got some issues to talk

about. Great. Let's start with daycare.

Yawn, yawn, snore, snore, Christine, no.
I want to talk about meat and potato

issues, the ones that'll get you
elected, like which married movie star

Cahill met for drinks the other night at
the plaza?

The other night?

Well, 1955.

I don't believe this. Here's an ad for
the new movie playing at the midnight

show at the Waverly Theater. It's called
Canubial Fusion.

See that?

Canubial fusion.

A frightening and exhilarating 90-minute
journey through a warped tunnel of love.

Somebody stole my movie!

I want to find out what this is all
about.

This is amazing.

Seems like everybody I know is in the
newspaper today.

Including Lizette.

Cutie pie, courthouse stenographer,
Lizette Huckabee. enjoys the good

weather by sunning herself on a Central
Park rock.

She's single, guys.

I have a really good publicist.

$55 in time, sir.

And since we all know that beepers are
not permitted in the courtroom, I must

assume that Mr. Fielding is performing a
do-it-yourself EKG.

Or his lean cuisine is done.

Sorry, sir, duty beep.

Sex surrogate's work is never done.

You know, Dan, this sex therapy thing is
conflicting with your work here. Maybe

you should think about cutting back.

Never. I am bound by my honor, my
contract, and by several of my clients.

Wherever there are lonely women in need
of comfort, I'll be there.

Wherever there are repressed virgins in
need of guidance, I'll be there.

Wherever there are frigid housewives,

With cold cash, I'll be there.

Wherever they're giving out penicillin
shots, you'll be there.

You look great up there, Christine. Just
a little reminder, speak slowly and keep

the hair... Keep my hair out of my face
and never eat spinach before a photo op.

I'm tingling.

Hey, hey.

I spoke to the video lab who processed
conubial infusion for me, and it seems

that somebody who works there liked what
he saw, and he made a dupe.

And that dupe is me.

Mac, not only did you desecrate my
wedding, but now strangers will be

gawking at my nuptials.

All right, let's carry on.

Miss Sullivan?

Mr. Fielding?

Mr. Fielding.

Perhaps the two of you can take some
time out of your busy schedules to chat

with me for a while.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

Polling business.

Sorry, sir. Me too.

Well, how about we try to get back to
the business of the court? Mack? Yes,

sir. People versus Foster.

Assault and battery.

Mr. Frost here.

Yes, sir.

Apparently a fight... broke out at a bar
when this diminutive man asked Lady

Lurch over there to dance.

She turned him down. Her exact words
were, when the pyramids go condo runt.

He felt compelled to defend his manhood.

And so he referred to her as a redwood
in pumps.

So she decked him.

I guess we could say she has a tall fuse
and a short temper. Miss Sullivan?

Your Honor, my client has the right to
dance with whoever she wants. Tall or

short, it's her choice.

She felt she was being verbally
harassed, so she defended herself.

Right. Well, Miss Foster, next time, why
don't you try the bunny hop instead of

the rabbit punch?

Case dismissed.

And that's the last dance, folks. I'm
out of here.

Ooh, Christine, you dropped the ball on
that one.

What do you mean? I won.

But you insulted a major constituency.

And that would be?

Short people.

We'd prefer that you refer to them as
vertically challenged.

What?

Christine, get with it. You're nowhere
in this game unless you're politically

correct. There's vertically challenged,
dietetically advantaged.

Me? I'm not bald. I'm scalp gifted.

Are we going to address something of
substance in this campaign?

Right now.

Candidate Christine Sullivan has
evidence that Louise Cahill

misappropriated federal funds to pay for
her annual vacation to Antarctica, where

she reportedly drinks heavily and clubs
baby seals.

Is that true?

Of course not, but it made you think,
didn't it? Which means Cahill will have

to deny it, and the whole thing will set
her campaign back a few days.

Johnny, it's not ethical.

Hey!

politicians. We're slander gifted.

Cahill further stated that the breakup
of Sullivan's marriage is indicative of

her inability to get along with people.

Johnny Dugan is such a pain in the butt.

Boy, you don't get along with anybody,
do you?

Harry, I can't stand this mudslinging
one more day.

I'm going to go down and have a little
chat with Miss Cahill about the tone of

this campaign.

You mean you're going to confront her
face to facelift?

Guess I better start out with an
apology.

Wish me luck.

And that's it on the political front for
now. Next up, the new movie, Canubial

Fusion.

That sleeper hit that'll leave you
wanting more.

Yeah, like two hours of your life back.

No, I'm sorry, sweetie.

I'm afraid Nana's not going to be able
to come to your birthday party.

Well, because she promised the voters
she would do her job.

Well, when I get some time, we'll go to
the zoo for your birthday. Just you and

me, okay?

That's my big guy.

I love you too, sweetie.

Miss Sullivan.

If you're here scrounging for more dirt,
you've hit the jackpot.

He's a younger man, and we've been madly
in love for five years.

I must confess I'm surprised to see that
side of you. I confess that I'm

surprised to see your handler let you
off the leash.

I don't have a handler.

Oh, a mind of her own.

How quickly we progress.

Well, the polls say that I'm progressing
fast enough to give you a run for your

money. No doubt.

The public always loves it when the
circus comes to town with its leggy

sideshow. Now, you see, that's exactly
why I'm here. To put an end to these

personal attacks.

My dear, these personal attacks are what
allow you to give me a run for my money.

Well, that's not how I want to win.

I do believe you've injected a...

Notice sincerity into this campaign.

That's so terrible.

It'll give Johnny Dugan a coronary.

No, that's not possible. He doesn't have
a heart.

You know Johnny Dugan?

Christine, who do you think managed my
last ten campaigns?

He never told me that.

Well, of course he couldn't.

Because then he'd have to explain why he
dumped me when he decided I was over the

hill. Meaning that I'd become too
independent.

You know, ventriloquists have no use for
dummies that can talk for themselves.

Well, maybe you shouldn't be doing the
talking if your idea of independence is

voting against daycare.

I didn't vote against daycare. I voted
against that idiotic Harrison Cain bill.

What's the difference?

The macadamia rider.

The what?

If you had read the bill, you would see
that they attached a rider that gave

huge tax breaks to the macadamia nut
growers, which meant a loss of millions

in tax revenues, money we can use for
daycare.

And besides, don't you realize how
fattening macadamia nuts are?

Not as fattening as this big foot I have
in my mouth.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, you already care enough to put
yourself through this silly process.

With a little seasoning and a few
election drubbings like the one I'm

going to give you, you'll be ready.

I'm not talking in the towel just yet,
you know.

I didn't for a moment think you would.

I'm going to give you the fight of your
life, young lady.

But you're up to it.

Thanks.

I just hope you're right.

Oh, and Christine, thanks for the
compliment.

Compliment?

Accusing me of having a face left.

Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's
said about this tired old mug in years.

Excuse me, Mr. Fielding.

Sorry, I'm off duty.

So am I.

I've heard a lot about you from Lily
down in accounting.

Lily? Of the long blonde hair, short
black skirt, and vibrating big toe?

I taught her that.

Really?

You know, maybe we should have dinner.
You know, if you could give me some

pointers on how to do that toe trick, I
could consider the whole meal a tax

write-off.

And then?

And then I go home to sleep.

Oh, you didn't think that it meant that
you and me... I'm sorry. Listen, I've

turned pro. The meter's off and so am I.

I'm exhausted.

Well, I guess Lily was wrong.

I don't know why she calls you ever
ready.

My God, I never thought it would come to
this.

Do you realize that tonight in China
there are men going to bed horny?

Christine, I just heard something on the
radio you should know.

It's about Cahill. Whatever it is, I'm
not interested.

I don't believe anything I hear in the
media anymore.

I don't think they made this up.

Louise Cahill had a heart attack
tonight.

She's dead.

I'd offer a penny for your thoughts, but
I don't want to be accused of making an

illegal campaign contribution.

Okay, so I'm no Slappy White.

But I'm trying.

Sorry.

I guess I don't feel like smiling just
yet.

Still thinking about Cahill?

Well, they had just seen her.

She was so alive.

So tough and strong.

Just between you and me, I was thinking
of voting for her myself.

That makes two of us.

You were going to vote for her? Roz,
you're my best friend.

Yeah, and if the election was for the
officer's best friend, I'd have voted

for you.

Well, thanks for the ego boost.

Face it, Christine.

Louise was the better candidate.

You're right.

I had no business challenging her.

But Louise is gone.

Now I think you're the best choice.

You're smart. You're willing to work
hard.

I've watched you in the courtroom for
years, dealing with real people and real

problems.

Stay in the race, Christine.

I need you to get elected.

So you can ban Mac's movie.

Higher. No, less biting.

Dan, wake up.

Oh, what a nightmare.

Doesn't sound like a nightmare.

That's because you haven't spent the
last two weeks satisfying lustful women

full time.

Well, not full time.

Dan, you know, complaining about sex
doesn't sound like you.

I know, Harry, but even I can't rise to
the occasion at the whim of every Tammy,

Diane, and Harriet.

I know what you mean.

No, you don't. You're right. I have no
idea.

I just finished my nap. I'm so tired.

Dan, you're exhausted all the time.
Maybe you should just give this thing

up. Harry, are you crazy?

I finally found my true calling,
sleeping with the sick for fun and

profit.

But it's not making you happy. I know, I
know.

I'm just so tired I could sleep for a
week.

Oh.

Oh, no, it's the woman with the feather
fetish again.

She's going to want me to wear that
chicken suit.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to tell her the truth.

That it's fallen and it can't get up.

What's next, Mitch? Yes, sir. People
versus Stratton, Roberts, Gaben, Vargas,

and Ream.

Disturbing the peace.

Have we just entered the twilight zone?

Or are these people...

Ah.

Or maybe we're them.

Can you explain this, Mr. Prosecutor?
For reasons that utterly escape me,

these societal mutants were part of the
audience at a midnight showing of the

movie Canubial Fusion.

Really? Yes.

They were arrested when they climbed up
on the stage and began to lip-sync to

the film.

they want to do that?

Your Honor, as yucky as it may be, the
film has achieved kind of a cult status.

Members of the audience dress up as
various characters

and reenact the events in front of the
screen.

These people are thick.

Wow, you even got right.

I am Roz, you nit.

You captured her essence, too.

I think I'm beginning to understand
that.

It's a cult classic.

I better start thinking sequel.

You better start thinking lawsuit.

You better start thinking lawsuit.

You do that again and you'll see my
impersonation of Sugar Ray.

Your Honor, as weird as it may be,
dressing up like a... movie character is

not against the law.

Well, while I find it difficult to
believe that Mac's film could inspire

anyone to go to such lengths...

Deserving a public showing of a film is,
in fact, against the law. So what do you

say we call this one?

Fifty-five dollars in time, sir.

Now cut that out.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait. Whoa.

You, uh... You guys really like my
movie?

Your movie? Yeah.

You mean your Mack Robinson?

In the flesh.

Pardon me.

But I teach a contemporary cinema class
at NYU.

Might you conceivably come down and host
the screening of Canubial Fusion?

Oh, sure.

Call me with the day and time.

Okie dokie.

Uh, no.

That's okie.

What movie were you watching?

Oh, Mr.

Fielding, just the name.

to see.

This is for you.

Not another assignment.

That's your severance pay.

You're fired.

Excuse me?

You know, I'll admit, at first my
clients thought you did a bang-up job,

but recently that bang has petered out.

It's not my fault. You spread me too
thin.

Mr. Fielding, it's more than just
performance. It's your attitude lately.

Or did you really think it was
therapeutic to say, hey, babe, let's

take it off and drill for oil?

Backbreaking schedule.

You've turned a gourmet chef into a
short order cook.

About a few minutes, I hear.

That only happened once.

You tried doing it with her mother in
the room.

Well, you don't have to worry about that
anymore, Mr. Fielding.

Consider your contract null and void.

Yes.

I am a free agent again.

Hi, Dan.

Why?

Did you hear the good news?

My private part. We're back in private
practice.

Step into my office.

Rev up that big toe.

Will it be?

Do I join you, or am I still exiled to
video purgatory?

Pull up a seat, man.

Thanks.

You know, when you think about it, this
whole hubbub over Canubial Fusion is

just a fad.

In a few days, we'll all be back being
anonymous nobodies.

When they open up the Canubial Fusion
theme park, we'll never have to break

character.

I've got to talk to you, too. I want you
to release the statement on Louise

Cahill's death.

And I want you to schedule a press
conference for tonight. I'm going to

publicly apologize for all the
slanderous things I said about her and

promise to pick up where she left off.

No can do.

I've joined up with another campaign.

You mean you're quitting on me?

That's politics.

See, when Cahill was in the race, you
were the perfect foil.

But now our polls indicate that a young
male would be the perfect candidate.

To be precise, we're looking for a
23-year-old Harvard MBA who rollerblades

to work and listens to Garrison Keillor.

Fine. Fine. You go on. You create your
super candidate.

And you know something, Johnny? I'll
still beat him. Because while you're

spending your time reading polls and
inventing mud to sling, I'll be out

talking to people. And believe me, the
people would choose a caring, real,

breathing person over a computer
composite any day.

Yes!

I go by.

Boy, nothing interesting ever happens
around here.

Hey, Bull, pass the salt.