All language subtitles for s09e02_-_a_uy_named_phantom_2

Previously, on Night Court... Yet
another win for the prostitution!

Boy, it's like shooting fish in a
barrel.

Arthur's giving me the creeps. He gives
me the crawls. He gives me the lust

bumps.

Matt, I'm telling you, Christine is head
over heels in love with me.

And you?

Well, I love her, of course, but I'm not
in love with her.

Roz, it's worse than I thought.

Harry is head over heels in love with
me.

Frank Pepitone, DA investigator.

I'm working on the fielding
disappearance.

Oh, don't bother. He's already
disappeared.

A warrant for his arrest?

What's the charge?

Embezzlement, fraud, and grand larceny
to the sweet tune of 10.2 mil.

Oh, yes, poor Dan.

Most of his friends think he's guilty.

What am I laughing at? I'm dead.

No, I'm not.

Now, I am the phantom of the courthouse.

The lovely Christine.

The time of the phantom is here.

The phantom's court is now in session.

Christine?

Christine! Where are you?

Dan!

So, Lisette, what's new?

Lizette, about last night.

The masked ball?

Yeah. Well, you see, most of my first
dates end in a restraining order.

So, before you have a chance to dump
me...

Anything? Sorry, Harry, nothing new to
report on Christine.

Oh, Mac, it's all my fault.

And just when I was ready to tell her
the truth.

You never told her how you really feel?

Now she's missing and she may never
know.

She may never know what?

Uh, the, uh, the real words to Louie
Louie.

You guys find out anything?

Well, we searched every ladies' room in
the entire building.

All we found was a can of hairspray,
three combs, and a pair of jockey

shorts.

Wait a minute. I just thought of
something.

Christine's missing.

Dan's missing.

Coincidence?

I think not.

It's a common thread.

Well, they worked side by side for seven
years.

No.

Their offices are right next to each
other. No.

You're missing the o- Obvious. Dan and
Christine share the same Chinese hand

laundry on 13th Street.

If I were investigating this case, I'd
begin questioning one Mr. Wing Tip.

That's why you're not investigating this
case, lamp post.

Inspector Pepitone. Judge Stone.

I happen to know who the phantom is.

It's Wing Tip, isn't it?

No.

It's Dan Fielding.

You've got to be kidding. Dan, why would
you think that?

Deductive reasoning.

And because the Phantom dropped his
wallet.

American Express. Dan Fielding.
MasterCard. Dan Fielding. Video Vixen's

card.

Sebastian's thigh.

Too bad.

One more punch and he would have gotten
a free video and an inflatable date.

How does this link him to the Phantom?

Simple.

Uh-oh. He drew a mask on his driver's
license plate.

Wait a minute, you guys.

I know Dan like I know me.

There's no way he's the Phantom.

I prepared your breakfast.

Crackers and Clamato juice.

I don't want crackers.

And I don't want Clamato juice. I told
you all night, I just want to go home.

It's Clamato juice.

I told you all night, you can't.

We've got too many things to do.

Okay, what are we going to do? Gather
string?

It's not nice to mock the Phantom.

Dan.

Okay.

Your job is to defend the evildoers.

Oh, anyone particular in mind?

Yes, Will Sanders.

The evil man who destroyed the Phil
Foundation.

Now, here's the plan.

In absentia, we will prosecute Will.
You'll put up a terrific argument in his

defense, but at the end, I'll win.

Pretty sure of yourself.

Don't forget to mention I'm the judge,
too.

Okay.

Okay. Enough is enough.

Much as I would love to stay, I have a
two o'clock appointment with reality.

See ya.

You'll find it locked.

And I have the key.

Hidden in a secret place.

Dan Fielding, if this is all an
elaborate plan to get me to search

through your pants, I will never forgive
you.

Christine, get your mind out of the
sewer.

We are in the sewer.

No, actually, we're in the
sub-sub-basement. The sewer's above us.

You need help.

You're right.

Help me with this.

picture one of these tunnels leads right
to a photo mat

this is crazy no

christine this is my new reality now i
gave i cared i changed

what did it get me i ain't being hunted
like a wild animal so don't call me

crazy a little defensive maybe

Please, enough of this chit-chat. Let us
get on with the first case.

Dad, I insist you stop this foolishness
and come with me. No.

I'm a wanted man, remember?

Besides, I like it down here. When I
think doo-wop, there's a great echo.

I'm begging you.

Please, let me go.

You can't help down here. The only
change you can make is up there.

Come on.

Let's go.

No, Christine.

My destiny lies down here now, amongst
the shadows and the rats.

Go, fair Christine, go.

You'll find the key in my pants.

Dan!

The pair hanging by the door.

Well, let me know if you hear anything.

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

What can I do for you, Counselor?

Well, Your Honor, I'm considering
getting Lizette a little tipsy after

work, driving her to Maryland, and
getting married before the buzz wears

off.

What do you think?

A ripple wine or a malt liquor?

You can't do that.

Why not? My father did it to my mother.
It's a family tradition, Harry.

Go away and don't call me Harry.

What a day.

Sure was.

I miss you so much, too. I had a lot of
time to think about us. I had a lot of

time to think about us, too. And?

I want to be just friends. I don't want
to be your girlfriend.

Oh, Christine, you've made me the
happiest man in the world.

I don't want to be your boyfriend.

What could we have been thinking?

I don't know. I guess we were just young
and foolish.

Christine, I like you.

like you.

Excuse me, Your Honor. We were going to
get some of my ocean food. Hey, look,

everybody. Lonnie's back.

Oh, hi.

So where the hell have you been?

In hell with Dan.

She never thought to look there.

Guys, he really needs our help. He's the
Phantom.

I've been in his lair.

His lair? What are you talking about?
It's in the sub-sub-basement. Come on,

we don't have any time to lose.

Lizette, listen, no matter what happens
tonight, promise me you won't drive to

Maryland.

The sub-sub-basement, huh?

Thanks, Blondie.

Okay, Macaroon, what's next in our
cavalcade of justice?

I think you'll like, sir.

People versus Smith. Breaking and
entering and stealing from good,

innocent people.

Prosecution?

Guilty as sin, Your Honor.

Unless the able defense attorney has
some evidence that we don't know about.

Your Honor.

I find the defendant...

Totally defenseless and yield to the
wise and devastatingly handsome

prosecutor.

I knew it.

I knew she always had the hots for Dan.

Dan, the hot?

Well, you're the one standing next to
the furnace.

Try to keep up, did we?

Okay.

Mr.

Smith, I have no choice but to find you
guilty and charge you with the usual $50

in time served and death by firing
squad.

Dan.

How'd you do that?

Dan, we're here to help you.

They must have followed us.

Good guess, buttercup.

Now Fielding is headed straight for the
hoose cow.

Great to have you back, Dan.

So, what do you say after session we
take a little drive to Maryland?

You, me, and a bottle of peppermint
schnapps.

Is the next case what I think it is?
Yeah.

People versus Daniel Fielding.
Embezzlement, fraud, and grand larceny.

Prosecution? Your Honor, everybody's
All-American here stole

10.2 million simoleons from the Phil
Foundation.

The people want...

I'd like to rest my knuckles on your
face, you little... Defense.

Your Honor, my client pleads temporary
insanity due to the obvious reasons.

But why?

I think he looks good dressed as the
Phantom.

Wait a minute. Hold it. Your Honor,
um... I would like to withdraw the plea

of temporary insanity. I'm not insane. I
never was insane.

I'm guilty.

Dan, you're pleading guilty?

Held over for sentencing.

Bull, take the prisoner to holding.

Okay, this is my final offer.

The schnapps, a pizza, and a Series E
savings bond.

staples into the inner crevices of my
cranium.

I'm guilty, Bull.

Fire away.

Rats, you called my bluff.

Come on, let's sit down.

I just want to let you know that I
really appreciate the faith you have in

me. At this moment, it means a lot.

If it means so much to you, why don't
you tell me the truth?

I think I deserve it.

You're right. You do.

The truth is, I didn't steal a dime.

Then why do you want to go to jail?

Because a piano fell on a bum named
Phil.

Well, that wasn't your fault, Dan.

No, I know it, but if Phil hadn't died,
I could have gone on living my life my

way.

I wouldn't have had to bother with
feeding the poor, clothing the naked,

putting others before me.

But you're not guilty. I am guilty.

Phil put his trust in me, and I blew it.

I deserve to be punished.

Then I'm going to prison with you.

My dear friend, you don't have to do
that.

Oh, yes, I do.

I lost the key to the cops.

I've got a key.

We heard the whole thing.

Pretty doofy, huh?

Some of it.

Why the costume?

Well, I thought it would be dramatic.

Why the phantom?

Well, I'm going to scare somebody
dressed like Miss Saigon, right?

Would have scared me.

Dan, this is all very simple.

You're the victim. You didn't steal
anything from anybody.

Change your plea to not guilty.

We'll get you some psychiatric
counseling and you'll be good as new.

Thank you, little Harry Sunshine.

No. It's jail time.

Why? Because I'd let everyone down.

That money was for the needy. It never
got to them because of me.

I had a responsibility. I blew it.

Now I'll spend a lot of time in a cell
with a guy named Bobo to think about it.

Hey, wait a minute. What is this? You'll
not serve a minute, my friend.

You're a good man with a good heart.
Come with me.

Mac, hit the light. Oh.

You know, you're going to get hurt doing
that.

Whoops. Hey, everyone, have you heard?

Fielding has escaped.

Fielding, you.

You're under arrest again.

Hey, wait a minute.

Fielding, Phantom, Fielding.

What's going on here?

I'd love to explain, Inspector, but the
second phantom really throws me.

Maybe I could help.

Will?

Chill! Wait, Dan, wait!

Let me try to explain this whole thing.

When I first met this man, he had Chaka
written all over him. Well, thanks for

straightening that out.

Now prepare to die!

Yes! I had a simple plan for gaining his
confidence by sharing in his do-gooding

mumbo-jumbo.

So you took the money. It was easy.

I wrote myself a check for 10.2 million
and exited stage left.

And, as always, they returned to the
scene of the crime. Only because...

Some of Dan's mumbo-jumbo really touched
my heart.

I'm sorry, Dan.

Well, Fielding, it looks like you're a
free man.

Will Sanders, you're under arrest.

No, Dan.

One other piece of unfinished business.

The money.

It's all here.

Matter of fact, it's half a million
more. I invested it in a high-interest

account.

What can I say?

I've got a knack.

Well, you can take me away, Inspector.

Wait.

Will, I touched your heart. I made a
difference in your life.

I've returned, haven't I?

Inspector, release that man.

I'm not pressing any charges.

Judge!

You gave back the money. I'd say you
don't have a case.

Well... Maybe this gumshoe racket isn't
for me.

I've always had a hankering to go out
west and sell patio furniture.

Harry, take this check. I'm no good at
the do-gooding.

No, I wouldn't be too sure of that.

No, please, here, you're a judge. Find a
court that'll appoint a new head to the

Phil Foundation.

I want to go clean up and take about a
two-week nap.

Keep the faith, baby.

Look, Dan.

I don't want to lead a selfish life.

I wish to serve humanity.

That's very noble.

You can start by drawing my bath.

Bubble?

Of course.

I got two tickets for the team table
tennis tournament tonight.

You want to go?

Team table tennis?

That sounds really boring.

Since we're not dating anymore, I can
say no, so no.

Isn't it great being friends again? We
can say no.

Your Honor, it's with deep regrets I
tender my resignation as your

prosecuting attorney.

Oh? You are looking at the new
court-appointed executor of the Phil

Foundation.

Yeah, it's a perfect job for me.

Suffering is my middle name.

Oh, wait up, Lisette. I'll hold the
elevator for you.

Sturdy gal.

She'll make a great breeder.