All language subtitles for s07e07_-_auntie_maim

All right, macrocosm. What's next?

Yes, sir. People versus Sasha Minkoff.

Not the Sasha Minkoff.

This is outrageous.

How dare you treat me like a common
human being?

I am a star.

It is. It's her.

It's her. This is such a thrill. I must
have seen you on Hollywood Squares a

hundred times.

Thank you, darling.

Of course, I only do TV between movies.

And I loved them both.

Oh,

you are so kind and gorgeous.

Ah, thanks.

So what brings the star of stage screen
and the secret square to our humble

little court?

An assault charge, Your Honor.

Mr. Minkoff was arrested outside of
Tiffany's beating on Mr. Kuderko with

this roadkill here.

Police were called in.

She attacked them, too.

Police? You mean stormtroopers.

Oh, Judge, darling.

They was brutal.

They put handcuffs on me.

They took my picture without letting me
check my makeup.

Would somebody call Amnesty
International right now?

Sir, my client claims she didn't attack
Mr. Kuderko until he stole her diamond.

I didn't take her diamond.

Then what happened to it?

My dog ate it.

Here he is, Your Honor.

Cute little suspect, isn't he?

Oh, keep that beast away.

He jumped on me, nearly ruined my gown.

Maybe he thought Lassie here was in
heat.

Henry was just being friendly, but her
diamond fell off and he couldn't help

himself. He's got a creamy for shiny
things.

Are you going to take his word over
someone who's been married to royalty

seven out of twelve times?

Sir, there is a way we can resolve it.
If Henry did eat the diamond, all we

have to do is wait, and eventually
he'll... Drop the big one?

Talk about a diamond in the roughage,
huh?

Okay, then, we'll keep an eye on the dog
for a while. If the diamond does show

up, charges will be dismissed.

Agreed? Absolutely not.

I refuse to wait around with this
peasant.

Would you rather rejoin the aristocracy
in holding?

Let's go with his idea.

Well, why don't you take Henry here for
a walk and see if you can get things

started? Right, Your Honor.

If that doesn't work, I'll give him a
copy of People.

Excuse me. You, there.

Excuse me.

May we help you? I'm looking for Roz
Russell.

And you are?

Ruth Russell. I'm Roz's aunt. You've
probably heard a lot about me.

Oh, yes.

I think.

I mean, Roz talks so much about her big
family that I'm sure I've heard about

you somewhere along the line. You know
what I mean?

You must be Christine.

And I'm Judge Harry Stone.

Oh, that's nice.

Where's Roz?

Oh, well, let's see. The last I saw of
Raj, he was headed for, um... Ah, yes.

Strip search, that way. Thank you.

Your Honor?

I took that dog for a walk like you
asked me. Did he... The eagle has not

landed.

Well, it's got to happen pretty soon.
It's been over seven hours since he ate

that diamond.

I know.

I figured you might just want privacy,
so I put them in your office.

My office?

Well, at least you didn't forget the
newspapers.

I can't believe you people would make a
star read like this.

I have work to do on a very important
part.

You have work to do on a lot of parts,
babe.

You are a brute.

I love brutes.

Fine, wait here. I'll see if Jabba the
Hutt's available.

You know, darling, if you was to drop
the charges, I might make it worth your

while.

You mean... Ever make Boomsie with a
star?

I'd rather make Boomsie with Big Bird.

She's here?

Harry, I need the day off. You want to
spend some time with your aunt?

I want to get the hell away from her.

Roz, why don't you want to see her?
Because she's always bugging me about

getting married. Trying to fix me up.

Passing out my picture in bus stations.

She drives me crazy.

Roz?

wait to hear about your life in the big
city, living alone when all of your

friends are married with families.

It's so nice to see you haven't changed.

And you too, baby.

I only wish I could stay longer than
tonight.

Gee, what a shame. Oh, don't feel sad.

We'll have plenty of time to talk over
dinner.

Actually, Auntie, I can't wait to talk
to you either. Oh, that's fine.

Then I'll see you at nine.

down to the shredder?

Sure. Ah, thank you.

Or you could just tear them up right
here.

Okay, Big Mac, set them up, knock them
down. Yes, sir. People versus Vargas and

Griffin. Mutual assault at a dance
contest.

It's amazing.

It is amazing. They've danced through
booking.

They've danced through holding, and now
here we are in court.

Who is this annoying person?

Bobby Baumgartner, the bomber from
W.E.G.E. Wiggy Radio.

Prosecutor, what's this all about?

Well, sir, apparently the defendants
have been dancing for the last four

days. Still trying to work up the nerve
to ask her back to your place, huh?

It's a dance marathon, Your Honor. It's,
uh...

It's for charity.

Well, after 94 hours, a contest dwindled
down to these four contestants, and they

started a fight during a cha-cha.
Cha-cha!

Who started the fight?

They did, Your Honor. They tried to trip
us.

Liar! They're the cheaters.

They made the room spin and slapped us
with fish.

Mr. Sullivan, am I missing something
here?

They are a little disoriented, sir.
After all, they've been dancing for four

days without sleep.

This might sound silly, but isn't that
kind of dangerous?

Hey, that's half the fun.

I'll shut up now.

Would it be too much to ask you folks to
stop? Oh, sir, sir.

Proceeds go to a very good cause, and my
clients are 90 minutes away from

breaking the world's record for dancing.
If they quit now, they'll be

disqualified. That's right. They'll lose
their place in history and also their

trip, if they get it, to wonderful,
sunny, fun-filled Acapulco.

oxygen in that radio booth, do you?

Okay, for the sake of charity, we'll
continue the case and let them finish

their dance.

Good news, it's been held over and the
beat goes on.

Your Honor?

Yeah, Bull, how's it going with the dog?

No luck yet, sir.

He doesn't seem happy with his
surroundings.

Yeah, just our luck we end up with an
animal who's particular about where he

relieves himself.

Well, it is a big decision.

One time when I was camping... Never
mind.

So, Roz, how's everything?

Great. I like my job, I have plenty of
hobbies, and I go out with friends every

weekend. Thank God I came when I did.

But that's all right. Don't worry. I've
got the perfect man for you.

Really? I can get my own date.

Nonsense. If you could get a man by
yourself, you'd have one, wouldn't you?

I was?

I've never... Heard you let somebody
talk to you like that. Why didn't you

stand up to her?

Not that simple, Christine.

When I was ten and my mother got sick,
Auntie Ruth came and took care of us.

Mama always said if it wasn't for her,
we never would have made it.

Well, Roz, you can show your
appreciation, but you don't have to let

her walk all over you.

Roz, you need help with your makeup. I
want you to try this new eyeliner.

You know, Ruth, nowadays men seem to
like the natural look.

Funny, I don't see any engagement ring
on your finger.

I beg your pardon?

Well, the way you talk, I would think
you were an authority on men.

You do know how to please a man, don't
you?

Well, I do make a pretty mean chocolate
chip cookie.

I think I'm going to go now. Bye.

Hey!

Well, Chuck, hour 95, and both couples
are holding up very strong. With less

than 30 minutes to go to the record, and
as they say in Acapulco,

30 minutos.

What's that, Jack?

Yes, I'll knock that off. Oh, just a
minute.

Problems. Oh, my star, she's down.

Oh, the tragedy of it all.

To come so far. Oh, hold on. He's got a
new partner. A brand new partner, and

she's a cutie.

Could you let me go? You don't want him
to go through that whole week in vain,

do you?

Of course not. Well, no, that's good,
because he can't stop for anything.

Yeah, but happily, that includes a
shower.

This food is positively proletarian.

If you don't like it, maybe we could
talk to the chef. He could cook this up

for you.

You gorgeous jitters.

You remind me of my seventh husband, the
Baron.

Rest his soul.

Yeah, what happened to him?

He died the way all men dream of dying.

Making love to me.

What were you doing?

My God, that would generate 40 pounds of
pressure per square inch.

50 if I stretch first.

Care to try your lock?

Ron, this young man is just perfect for
you. I'll call him. I can have Dexter

here in ten minutes. No, I don't want to
meet any Dexter. Why on earth not?

Because... Because I got a boyfriend.

You have?

Well, why haven't you ever mentioned
this before?

Never came up.

Well, I'm glad you've got a boyfriend.

Of course, there's no way I'm going to
leave you now.

What?

I'm not going to budge one inch until I
can meet him.

Hey, Roz, I need to get those bail
receipts.

What do you know? He's here.

So this is your boyfriend?

Yes, he is.

Aren't you Mac, sweetheart?

But, but... What's he saying?

Buttercup.

That's his pet name for me.

Pet name?

Ross. Mac, you look like you could use
some coffee.

Ross, what the hell is going on? Look,
just shut up and pretend you're my

boyfriend. I'll explain later.

I don't want to lie to your aunt. Do you
want to go through life with one kidney?

You mind if I join you in Buttercup?

Would you please tell him I have to get
back to work?

Well, you can quit, but if he doesn't
finish, then he's going to lose the

whole thing.

And he'll be sent on the road to hell
nowhere.

Hey, would one of you please dance with
this guy?

I'll pay you.

Oh, I get it. You'll have cheap sex with
a stranger for ten dollars, but dancing

is...

He's never going to do it with you
staring at him.

I thought you said that thing was going
to help.

Well, he's under a lot of pressure.
We've got to get his mind off of it.

Ah, okay.

So, Henry, is it true that poodles are
easy?

Here's one of Ross at nine months. Oh.

Do you see that cute behind you?

Auntie Ruth, would you please not show
those pictures?

I think they're cute.

But I guess we've seen them enough.

Well, let's talk about you two.

How long have you been seeing each
other?

A couple of months.

A couple of years. A couple of years.

Since last spring. Yeah, yeah, right.

Last spring.

Well, that's a long time. I hope you
haven't been indulging in premarital

relations. The hell no!

Because I don't believe it's a good idea
outside marriage.

So you are thinking of marriage?

Well, no, not really. Oh, well... I
mean, we're taking it one day at a

time. Oh!

That is, until that blessed day.

And just when might that be?

Well... We haven't set a date. We just
talked about it. Yeah.

Mm-hmm, I thought so.

You want to get married?

Sure. Good.

What the hell was that?

It was good enough. Not for Russell.

When your sisters got married, the men
got down on their knees and proposed

rights. I know because I was there.

Now, you're going to need this.

I always keep one for these occasions.

you're going to pull this off with more
power to you.

Well, it appears like number 12 is...
Well,

how does it feel to be the only couple
left with a chance to break the world's

record? Exciting, isn't it?

Chuck,

it just doesn't get any better than
this.

Yep, right on the Enquirer.

Good choice.

Was the diamond in there?

We'll know in a minute, sir.

As soon as I examine the evidence.

Wish me luck.

Sasha?

Yes, darling?

I just have one question.

What you did with your late husband, did
you ever do it with anyone else?

A few times.

Did any of them survive?

Only John Vane.

But he never walked the same.

you got a chance to finally meet Max.
Yeah, and don't worry, Aunt Ruth. You

can relax and go back to Chicago knowing
that I'm going to take care of your

little Rosicans.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Because there's no way I'm going to let
this marriage happen.

Why not? Because he's not good enough
for you.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you? She had to
practically drag that proposal out of

you, so obviously you don't believe in
marriage. The hell I don't. I have been

happily married for five...

Just what is going on here, Rosalind
Jane Russell?

Uh-oh. Sorry, Ros.

When they start using three names, I'm
out of here.

Look, I... The truth is, I asked Mac to
pretend to be my boyfriend.

And just how long did you think I would
go for that?

I don't know. Do you have a brain in
your head?

Look, I... Why would you even consider
doing such a foolish, stupid thing to

get you off my back?

Do you remember who you're talking to,
young lady?

Look, Aunt Ruth, I don't mean any
disrespect, especially after everything

you've done for us.

I tried to help. And you did.

When we were little and you came to
stay, you were a godsend. But I'm not

that little girl anymore, and I don't
need to be rescued.

Don't you want a husband, child?

Well, when Arsenio's ready, I'm ready.

But until then, I'm not going to get
married just to have a man around.

Look, Auntie, I'm sorry I misled you.

I've always tried to do what you wanted
me to.

But from now on, it has to be what I
want to do, too.

Now I remember why you've always been my
favorite.

Why is that?

Because you're just as pig-headed as I
am.

Don't get mushy with me now.

So, are we friends again?

Well, we will be as soon as you give me
my ring back.

Your Honor?

Pay dirt.

You got the diamond back.

Yes, sir. All 34 carats worth.

Oh, good boy, Henry.

And what shall I do about this other
stuff?

Uh, I'll tell you what. Why don't you
give the ring back to Madame Minkoff and

consider the rest yours.

Gee, thanks.

Mr. Kuderko, you're free to go now that
Henry has.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

Let's go, Henry. Henry! Hey!

That dog got my ring!

Don't worry. I'll get the dog, you get
the airwhip.

All right, everybody. Less than ten
seconds to go to the grand finale and

the all-time record.

So let's bring it all home as we kick up
those heels with a full...

Thank you for the tour, darling.

Well, now can you see why I don't date
the guys from work?

Well, they're not all that bad. That was
a nice one in holding.

He's in for murder.

Well, if you're going to shoot down all
my good ideas, I might as well go home.

Oh, hey, Ruth.

You got your ring back.

I managed to pry it out from between
Henry's teeth.

It's okay if you don't mind a little
doggy snark.

Thank you.

Bull, what's up?

Elevator stuck?

Yeah, I can't get downstairs to give
Sasha back her diamond. Well, maybe we

should call maintenance.

Okay.

No, it seems to be working now.

Not a mink off.

Hello, darlings.

We found your diamond.

Oh, who cares about that stupid rock?

Dan?