All language subtitles for s05e14_-_i_m_ok_you_are_catatonic

Miss Sullivan, look, I got a new pen.

Mac? Yeah.

Take some advice.

Get yourself one of these.

The Women Wild.

You put something in Skinny Butts Bosco,
didn't you?

Sir, here's those blank cassettes you
wanted. Oh, great. Now I can finish

transferring all my Mel Torme albums
onto tape.

Isn't that illegal to electronically
transfer copyrighted material to another

medium?

Well, I suppose it is, but... I know.
You're disregarding your sworn oath to

uphold the laws of this country and
using some sort of situational ethics

philosophy to justify it.

Harry! Buddy!

Am I interrupting a psychotic episode?

No, not at all.

I always hate it when that happens to
me.

Harry, I'd like you to meet a friend of
mine, Al.

Harry, this is my buddy Al.

Al? Harry.

Hi, Al. Real nice to meet you.

Did I mention Al doesn't speak to other
human beings?

I'm sorry, you're busy entertaining
refugees.

Dan, you know Buddy, my mom's second
husband?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you met her in a mental
hospital, didn't you?

But I'm feeling much better now.

Taking your fish for a walk?

Al doesn't talk to people.

Ah.

Nice blinking with you.

So, buddy, what brings you around?

Well, I was wondering if you could look
after my fish for a while, Harry.

Sure. How long?

Forever.

Forever? Yes. My brother, Phil...

Thought it'd be best if I committed
myself to a psychiatric care center for

the rest of my natural life.

And since I had no other plans... Wait a
minute, buddy. Wasn't there even a

hearing? Oh, yeah.

In fact, it's going on right now,
downstairs.

We're just on a dinner break.

That's where I met Al.

Buddy, I cannot believe that you would
let yourself be put through something

like this. I know you. You're one of the
kindest, most compassionate men I've

ever met in my life.

You certainly shouldn't be put into a
psychiatric care center for the rest of

your life. I don't know who your brother
is or what his motives are, but putting

you away, that's cruel.

That is unjustified. And I tell you, it
ticks me off.

No end.

It's about the fish, isn't it?

Oh, poor buddy.

Yeah, well, that's why I got to get down
to that hearing room and see if I can't

help. Mac, about court?

Got the lies all set up, sir.

They just took your grandma to the
emergency room.

You're the best. See you guys later.

Judge Stone?

Oh, they just took his granny to the
hospital.

Oh, gee, I'm so sorry.

I'll go try and find him.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Torme, please, come in,
come in.

Harry's grandmother's really sick. I was
just making a joke.

A joke?

Yeah, the truth is she's been dead for
years.

Damn, I missed him. Oh, Mr. Torme, I am
Christine Sullivan, legal aid, and this

is Roz and Bull, and this is Mac.

Harry should be back any minute now.

He is your number one fan.

I know, I got the most...

beautiful fan letter of my entire life
from him. I was in town. I just thought

I'd stop by and thank him. Oh, he'd rip
out his own eyeballs if he knew you were

in the building and he'd missed you.

Yeah, he mentioned that in the letter.

You know, he really should be back any
second. Could you just stick around for

a little while, please?

Well, okay, for a little while.

Great. Why don't we all sing some scat
rondos while we're waiting?

I beg your pardon?

I'll start out.

So,

Mr. Torme, how'd you like your tour of
the morgue?

Very educational.

Bet you you're going to wear your
seatbelt from now on, aren't you?

Hank, where you been?

I got to work this evening. I had a
little kink in my back, so I thought

while Harry wasn't in there, I would try
to straighten it out by lying on his

conference table.

Oh, no.

You laid on one of Harry's military
records and broke it.

No, I moved the records.

To the radiator.

So long, everybody. I got to go.

He's come back to haunt me.

Buddy, there you are.

Oh, that's my brother, Phil.

What? This another one of your
tutti-frutti friends you drug in off the

street? I'm Judge Harry T. Stone of the
Municipal Court.

Sorry, the tie threw me.

I think you have a rather low opinion of
your brother and his friend.

Don't give me any of that garbage.

I love this man.

He is my brother.

That's right, Harry. He loves me.

Of course I do, you deluded little
knucklehead.

It's worth it just to see your face
light up like that.

Come on, buddy, let's go in and sit
down.

Phil, now wait a minute.

I think you are underestimating your
brother's ability to decide what is

right for him.

I cut my own teeth yesterday, Harry.

Enough said.

You know, Al, I don't care what Phil
says.

I know Buddy Ryan.

He helped me through a very difficult
time in my life with a caring and a

compassion that very few men have.

But just because he's been through that
door, people tend to lump you all into

the same category.

It would only take me one minute to run
downstairs, get Harry, and bring him

back up here.

Well, all right.

Go find him.

Great! He's going to kiss me on the lips
for this.

You'll be here when I get back, won't
you?

What makes you ask?

Harry taught me.

It's called the magic shackle.

Now, don't squirm too much. Those things
will chase.

Help me!

Somebody!

Anybody!

Help me!

Nobody can sing the blues like that man.

And as it turns out, I set the record
for the world's longest nude parachute

jump.

Thank you.

Anything else, Mr. Davies? Well, if
you'd care to review the accounts of the

year he spent on an iceberg or the
accordion commune that he started in New

Jersey.

No, that won't be necessary.

The court grants Mr. Ryan's application
for self-commitment.

No! I beg your pardon? Well, that's not
fair. I had to go out and sign a

restraining order.

Well, just who in the hell were you
restraining, mister?

Not mister. I'm Judge Harold T. Stone of
the Municipal Court.

You expect me to believe a man to wear a
tie like that?

Harry!

I destroyed most of your Mel Torme
records.

What? Fortunately, I managed to save
this one.

Look, here it is in a nutshell.

Mel Torme is in your office right now.
He was going to leave, but I put your

trick shackles on him so he'd have to
stay until you came.

I don't have any trick shackles. Those
are real, and I don't have a key.

Oh!

Then I've managed to kidnap a well-known
jazz artist.

Sorry about my outburst, but you see,
the prosecuting attorney just kidnapped

Mel Torme.

Take him away now. No, I'm a judge.
Really, I am. Check my medical records.

I've got the word fun tattooed on my
arm.

Just like his mother.

now, technically it would still be
kidnapping.

Although I could plea bargain down to
unlawful restraint.

Otherwise... Otherwise what?

I have to kill you.

Come on, Mel, I'm playing devil's
advocate.

I could never get away with it.

No luck.

Nobody's got anything portable that's
strong enough to cut through that steel.

I still say no explosives.

have a friend down in the motor pool who
has the kind of equipment we need.

Come on, we'll help you. All right,
wait. Oh, only if you promise to sign a

release form waiving any claims and
damages against me.

Anything. That's a deal.

Your Honor, Mac is working on your
release papers. Oh,

sir.

They put you in with the little general.

Yeah. And after that performance I gave
up there, they'll probably ship me off

to a Russian detention camp.

Let bygones be bygones, huh?

Hooray! Over here, Mac, in the
Napoleons.

Got your release papers.

Thanks, Mac.

What happened with Buddy? They approved
his petition.

Oh, sir, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm going back up there. There
might still be something I can do to

help. Assuming, of course, I can
convince him I'm not crazy.

Good luck, sir.

Psychiatric diagnosis?

Speculative, sir, because he won't talk,
but possible catatonic schizophrenic.

All right. All right, application for
committal is approved, subject to review

after further diagnosis.

Al, would you take a seat over there,
please?

Let the record show I was noogie.

Your Honor. Well, look who's back.

If the court will indulge me, I would
still very much like to have an

opportunity to speak.

Judge Stone, I take it you understand
the reasoning behind my jailing you

earlier. Yes, sir. I went goofy.

No, no, no. We don't use those words in
here.

Right. Right, of course. Please forgive
my insensitivity under the

circumstances. In fact, that's really
what I wanted to talk about.

Insensitivity. To Buddy Ryan.

By his brother.

Hey! Who are you calling insensitive,
boneface?

Don't make me mention your weight
problem.

What?

That is slanderous.

Sit your big butt down.

Your Honor, all I wanted to say is that
I've had more than my share of

experience with... unique people like
Buddy.

And what I've learned is that sometimes
it's just a matter of asking them the

right question.

Such as?

Well, such as... Buddy?

Do you really want to live in a
psychiatric care institution?

No, not really.

But we agreed it would be best for you.

No, you agreed it would be best for me,
Phil. I just figured, hey, you're my

brother. As long as it makes you happy.

You mean you agreed to commit yourself
to a psychiatric institution just to

make me happy?

I'm funny that way.

Sir, if Mr. Ryan would like to withdraw
his petition for commitment, the state

will make any necessary motions.

You mean I can change my mind and not go
in?

No!

Al, you can talk!

Get comfy, everybody.

We don't know how long he's been storing
this up.

Don't go, buddy.

Don't leave me by myself.

Oh, don't worry, Al.

The place you're going is great.

I've been there.

The staff is wonderful.

The equipment is great. And, ooh, the
linoleum.

Green with those little speckly things
in it.

Yeah.

Buddy's right.

These people can't help you. You know,
that psychological therapy stuff, that's

real. I don't know what's real anymore.

Well, that's what they do in there, Al.
Help you figure that out. How do I know

they're real?

Well... Time's up.

Okay, you stumped me there, pal.

When I was young, my mother told me
Santa Claus was real.

But then, when I got older, she told me
he wasn't.

One book says Jesus is real.

One book says he isn't.

We're living in the greatest country in
the world.

And we're murdering each other in the
streets.

What did they expect when they made us
believe in the tooth fairy

and the Easter bunny?

Gave us the nuclear bomb to play with.

Hey, diddle, diddle, the cat and the
fiddle is a lie like all the rest.

The astronauts killed the man in the
moon.

Growing up, took care of the rest.

I don't know anything anymore, buddy.

Except that when I'm around you, I don't
feel so lost.

If you leave me,

I

think I'll die.

Could be a bad tooth.

Don't worry, Al.

We'll get through this together.

I'm coming in there with you.

Are you sure about this, Mr. Ryan?

Buddy, if you're doing this for my
benefit...

I need the rest, Phil. Besides, if some
of the stuff Al is saying about Santa is

true, we both got some things to work
out.

I'm not sure who belongs inside anymore.

All right. Cork's dismissed.

See you later, buddy.

I'll be with you in a sec, pal.

Really?

Lose the tie.

I was so wrong about you.

Buddy, I'm sorry.

Ah, come on. I'll make you a dental
plate. You'll feel better.

Yeah, I'll go down and get you things
out of the car.

That's my brother.

What is it, buddy?

What is it about you that makes you so
special?

How come people that are lonely and sad,
they feel better just because you're

around?

What is it?

Love?

Caring?

And a conscientiously applied program of
oral hygiene with regular professional

care.

What the hell is taking him so long? He
called over two hours ago. I don't know,

Dan, but Harry wants you to wait right
here.

Couldn't he just kill me quick and get
it over with?

No such luck, Dan.

Oh, acetylene.

He'll squirm for hours, sir.

Harry, you wouldn't?

Oh, of course not. Hell, I'm not even
upset anymore.

Not? Nah, I figure what's the point of
carrying a grudge?

Harry! Harry, look!

Mel Torme just messengered this over
from his New York office. It's a

duplicate of every one of your albums
that was destroyed.

Oh, no.

My huge blunder wiped out in one single
stroke and you say, oh, no.

Oh, come.

upholstery.