Original subtitles

J with the hands we clap, clap, clap &

j with the foot we hop, hop, hop j

j once like that, once like this j

j whoops, there's a birdy kiss j'

once more, girls, and with more life, more freedom.

Again.

J with the hands we clap, clap, clap &

j with the foot we hop, hop, hop j

j once like that, once like this j

j whoops, there's a birdy kiss jj

- This is this, of course? - Oh, yes, sir.

- Good. Is the director in? - Yes, sir.

Very good. And tell him I'd like to see him please.

Yes, sir, but, uh, he's a lady.

Dr. Schultz.

Dr. Schultz is a lady?

- That's peculiar. - Yes, sir.

Well, tell him I want to see her.

- I mean... - Yes, ma'am.

There's a gentleman to see you, Dr. Schultz.

Well, show him in.

There's nothing else we can do.

- Dr. Schultz? - Yes?

- Schlapkonhl. - I beg your pardon?

General director schlapkonhl.

Uh...

The dream palast.

The dream palast?

The dream palast, it's got 3,000 seats.

- What for? - To sit!

It's the largest motion picture theater in Budapest.

Well, anyway, this morning at breakfast, I was thinking aloud and I said to myself,

"schlapkohl, where can you get hold of some nice, sweet usherettes?"

But sweet, mind you, because I am sick and tired of these girls

who date up the customers and give my place a bad name,

and what do you think?

- Well, I... - Mrs. schlapkohl put down her coffee cup

and said, "Maurice," she calls me Maurice,

"why don't you try the municipal orphanage?"

I see.

What is it you're looking for, Mr. schlipkohl?

Schlapkohl. Usherettes!

To show the customers to their seats.

They wear gorgeous uniforms, I designed them myself.

A big hussar's hat, a little cloak, and pants with...

- Pants? - With stripes.

- Very effective. - I dare say.

The... the pants, I mean, they're not too tight?

That depends entirely on the girls, the pants are all the same size.

I see.

And the bad fairy turned into her own shape again

and started for the Princess who was having sweet dreams

and sleeping like the good little girl she was.

Then the bad fairy crept closer and closer to the bed,

but the Princess didn't hear her.

So she crept closer and closer,

and closer and closer.

Don't point that knife towards you, Emma, you'll cut yourself.

And then, still closer.

And it certainly looked as if she was in a pickle, a real pickle.

- And what do you suppose happened? - What?

The prince stepped out from behind a tree and started to climb the wall of the castle.

- What castle? - The castle the bad fairy locked her up in, naturally.

And he climbed and he climbed and he climbed,

and it was hard work because the walls are smooth as glass.

It was glass, and just as he reached the Princess's window,

the bad fairy jumped out and turned him into a gizzard.

- What's that? - It's a kind of a bird.

- I never heard of that bird before. - Well, you've heard of it now.

And there he was, just a little gizzard hanging onto the side of the wall,

when what do you think?

The good fairy, who hadn't done her good deed all day,

so you can imagine how badly she felt, decided to come to his rescue.

But you said the good fairy was on the other side of the world.

She was, but that didn't make any difference to her.

She just summoned her faithful broomstick

and, jumping into the saddle, said the magic words.

"Wompa, wompa, wumpa, wumpa, eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Sweet and faithful rosalinda, take me where I want to go."

And away she went!

And she flew faster and faster and faster

and faster and still higher!

Luisa!

- Luisa, come down from there at once. - Yes, ma'am.

- Lu, are you all right? - Oh, lu, are you hurt?

- Are you hurt? - Are you hurt, dear?

Ooh. No, ma'am.

Then what were you doing up there?

I was telling fairy stories.

Well, next time, tell them from down here.

- Yes, ma'am. - Never mind that.

Now fix yourself, go in there and line up with the other girls like nothing happened, dear.

These things are bound to happen with children.

And now to find you some usherettes.

I suppose you'll need about a dozen.

Oh, no, I figure to start with just one.

- Just one? - A sample.

Oh, oh, well, then the first one must be very, very good.

Um, here's a nice, healthy girl.

Does she fill the requirements?

Yes, doesn't she?

Or that one?

Or this one?

They're all equally sweet.

- I see what you mean, doctor. - These girls are very industrious.

Well, what's the matter with the little acrobat here?

- Why, well, nothing. - How do you do?

Would you like to be an usherette, luisa?

- Oh, yes, ma'am. - Do you know what an usherette is?

Uh, no, ma'am.

You see what I mean. They know nothing.

Marvelous.

If I let you go into the outside world, dear, would you still do your good deed each day?

Yes, ma'am.

Each day a goodly deed I place to my account in heavenly grace.

A bank whose customers are blessed with peace of heart for interest.

Very nice.

- She wouldn't flirt with the customers? - Oh, she wouldn't know what it means.

I hardly know myself.

- All right, wrap her up. - I beg your pardon?

Sold, I'll take her.

Oh, well, I'll send her to you first thing in the morning, if you'll just step into my office.

Goodbye.

And you will try, always, to be a credit to our institution.

- Yessum. - And remember your debt to society.

It is the citizens of our state, the people you meet on the street,

the simple taxpayers who have supported you all these years.

- Yessum. - They are the ones who have given you a home,

food to eat, and clothes to keep you warm.

- From my earliest infancy. - That's right.

Try to repay this debt by doing good.

- Go out of your way to do it. - I will.

And when someone asks you to do something?

- Do it. - Do it cheerfully.

- Do it with a smile. - That's right.

I have now gone as far as time and delicacy permit.

From what I have told you, it should be clear

that a young girl going out into the world alone

cannot be too careful in her dealings with the male gender.

- Remember that. - Yes, ma'am, I will.

Goodbye, my dear, and good luck.

Goodbye.

- Oh, goodbye, Dr. Schultz! - Oh, be brave, luisa.

The time has come for you to try your wings.

Left, left, left, left, right, left,

left, right, left.

Ho, ladies, please, keep in step.

Left, left, a, b, c, d.

Mark time, hup.

Right face, hup.

Forward march, hup.

Please!

Mark time.

Take stations.

Hup!

Um...

Are you talking to me?

- Oh, no, sir. - Oh, I thought you said something.

Do that again, will you?

Very pretty.

Uh...

You're supposed to go this way.

- That way? - Yes, sir.

Why?

- Why? - Yes, why?

Well, I don't know, sir.

Then why do you do it?

Well, it's orders.

- You're trying to give me orders? - Oh, no, sir.

'Cause I don't like being given orders.

I take orders all day in the restaurant,

and when it comes nighttime, I like to be free, like the birds.

- Remember that. - Yes, sir.

But make up your mind.

Oh, Meredith!

Surely you're not in earnest.

You speak in jest.

To cast us out this way is unthinkable.

He means nothing to me, absolutely nothing.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Oh, sorry.

Merely the moon and the madness of the moment.

I've made up my mind.

Does the memory of our love, then, mean so little?

Oh, Meredith, have you forgotten the troth we pledged?

The song we sang?

The promises we promised?

Go.

Go?

Oh, you don't mean that, Meredith!

You say it with your lips, but your heart rebels, it must.

Consider that, Meredith.

Reflect upon the past,

and then, oh, my dear...

- Go. - Oh, you don't mean go, Meredith.

- Reconsider. - Go!

- Oh, Meredith. - Go!

- Shh. - You must listen to me.

- Go! - You must have some pity!

If not on me...

At least on...

Surely he is innocent.

- Look, Meredith. - Go.

- Meredith! - Go!

Oh, but Meredith, listen to me!

- Let's go. - But this isn't where we came in, papa.

This is where we go out just the same, come on.

Meredith, Meredith, Meredith!

If you would only give me a chance to explain.

Go.

- Go? - Go.

Oh, but Meredith!

- Go. - Oh, you don't mean that, Meredith.

- Go. - Oh, Meredith!

Surely you're not in earnest.

- Go. - Oh, you don't mean go, Meredith.

Go!

Ah, good evening.

- Hello, darling. - Come on!

- Ah, looking for a gentleman, dimples? - Yeah, do you know where I can find one?

Ah, good evening, little girl.

Oh, good evening, sir.

- Oh, uh, alone? - Oh, yes.

Well, well, well, how about a sandwich and a glass of beer?

- Well, uh... - With music?

I don't think I'd like beer, thank you.

- Good night. - Well, you could listen to the music, couldn't you?

I... I hate music, and I think beer is terrible,

and sandwiches give me a stomachache.

- Oh, they do, do they? - Yes, they do, thank you.

- Please take your hand off my arm. - Now listen, sister.

No, I don't want to listen.

- Please take your hand off Mel - What's the matter with you?

- I'm married. - Huh?

- Yes. - Oh, you are, are you?

Well, where's your husband then?

Uh, he's sick in bed with a fever.

Oh, he is, is he?

No, he isn't either, there he is now!

Hello, darling.

Has your fever gone down?

- Huh? - Yes, of course it has.

- Now, listen... - Shh.

- What do you want to do, tear my coat? - He's much better now!

- What the... - It'll be all right.

If you'll just walk me up to the corner, he won't bother me anymore.

Who, why?

There, it's all right now, thank you.

What are you talking about? Who are you?

Well, don't you remember?

I'm the girl that pointed out the way with the electric wand.

Oh, yeah, sure.

I didn't recognize you without your pants.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean as if, uh...

- What I meant was... - That's all right.

Why did you come up and talk to me so funny for?

Oh, well, you see, that man wanted me to go and have beer and sandwiches with him.

I got scared, he wouldn't let me alone, so I said you were my husband.

- Oh. - Worked out very well.

I think it was a good idea, don't you?

Of course, it was a lie, but not really a bad one.

I don't think so. Say, would you like some beer and sandwiches?

- Oh, yes, with a face like yours. - What's the matter with my face?

- I like it! - Come on then!

- I know a place with music. - Oh, I love music!

Oh, isn't it wonderful?

Very nice, in a cheap way.

- What? - Well, I mean to say, look at this China.

Look at that glassware. Look at this stuff.

You can hardly call it silver.

Oh, well, I was talking about the music.

You should hear the music at my hotel.

They wear tuxedoes.

Have you ever been to the metropole supreme?

Oh, no, I've never been anywhere.

- Really? - Except the asylum.

- Huh? - Where I come from.

Oh.

The asylum, huh?

- Have you been out long? - Just this morning.

Just this morning?

And how does it feel to be out?

- Oh, wonderful. - It must be.

You're... cured, of course?

- Huh? - I mean, you didn't run away or anything?

Oh, no, I didn't run away.

Some of the girls run away sometimes, but they always bring them back.

- Good. - Well, I don't blame them much for running away.

It isn't as much fun as you would think, being an orphan.

Orphan asylum!

Why, naturally.

I'm glad to hear it.

For a minute, I, uh...

Here's your knife.

Never been anywhere, never owned anything?

Oh, I went on an excursion once.

We gave them a garden party at the penitentiary.

- That was a nice idea. - Oh, yes, we liked it a lot.

But they didn't take us back because they said it worried the prisoners or something.

- Uh-huh. - We were going to play lawn games the next time too.

Lawn games? Haven't you ever been to a real party?

- Well, that time at the penitentiary... - Never mind the penitentiary.

I mean a party with regular people, where you see beautiful dresses and tailcoats,

and wine, and plenty of good service and glassware, and music.

- Oh, my. - And ice cream and caviar and frog's legs.

Oh, I love ice cream.

Why, a girl like you should have the best of everything.

Diamond bracelets, beautiful dresses,

nickel-plated automobiles, caviar, lobsters, sable coats.

Say, would you like to go to a party at my hotel and see all these things?

Oh, I do.

- Think I'd be all right? - Tomorrow night.

Have you got an evening dress?

No.

Maybe I could borrow one from the prologue, they use a beautiful one in the moon number.

Good, I'll get your ticket.

- Honestly? - Come on out.

I'll leave it at the theater for you. What's your name?

Luisa ginglebusher.

Ginglebusher?

Baron so-and-so, shake hands with miss ginglebusher?

Never.

Well, I...

Don't mention your name to anybody, just be aristocratic.

I'll try.

Now I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson.

- Do you dance? - I've been watching it long enough to know the theory.

Uh, your cloak, madam.

Why, certainly it's my cloak.

If you'd care to leave it in the cloak room.

- We are so crowded inside. - Yes.

Oh!

Hello, detlaff, I got in all right.

No, thank you.

Hello, detlaff! You look so beautiful in your tailcoat.

- Shut up, pretend you don't know me. - What?

Take one of these leftovers and go and sit down somewhere.

- Oh, where shall I sit? - At a table, naturally.

- Just sit down and mingle with the guests. - All right.

And don't mention pringlegusher.

- Ginglebusher. - Whatever it is.

- And don't be familiar with the waiters. - No, I won't.

And don't let the waiters be familiar with you.

I'll keep an eye on you.

Unhand me, varlet, lest I cleave thee to the brisket.

Alone I will negotiate yon precipice.

Oh, hello!

Perfectly preposterous, they put steps just where you can't see 'em

in a spot where everybody is bound to fall over 'em.

What are they for, anyway?

Excuse me.

I just finished coming down a whole lot over there with the greatest difficulty,

and here we are faced with a whole lot more to go up.

You know, I believe these blasted architects only do it just to complicate existence.

Ah, here.

Uh, won't you sit down here, madam?

- Are you sure it's all right? - All right? It's marvelous!

- Thank you so much. - Thank me? Thank you!

I've been having a perfectly rotten time, and now we can enjoy it together.

I mean, a good time, we'll have something.

- What would you... - Would you please get up?

- Uh, get up? - Yes.

But, uh, what, I thought you were alone.

- Well, I am alone. - Well, in that case, if you're alone...

Oh, no, no, would you please rise up and stay up?

But... I don't understand. After all, I...

You know perfectly well that you're not supposed to sit down with the guests and be familiar.

Familiar with the guests? Well, what do you mean?

Huh, me? What do you... Do I look like a waiter?

Well, yes.

Yes, well, I'll have you know, madam, that far from being a waiter,

I... I'm not a waiter!

I'm anything but a waiter!

I've... good evening, your excellency.

There's the minister of arts and decorations.

If I were a waiter, would I talk to him?

No, I guess you wouldn't.

There you are. A waiter...

Are you a minister too?

Well, no, not exactly, although people often take me for one.

I'm... I'm in the meat business.

- Oh. - Strictly wholesale, of course.

You don't look like a butcher.

A butcher? Who, me? I...

Well, I'm in the importer and exporter.

But of meat?

Well, why not?

Are you a vegetarian or something?

Oh, no, no, I think meat is very nice.

You're darn tootin', it is.

Obviously my meat is.

But why did we talk about me for, anyway? Who brought it in?

Let's, uh, have some champagne.

The service in this place is terrible.

Uh, waiter.

Just bring us two champagnes, please.

Did you say two champagnes, sir?

Well, if I didn't say it, I ought to have my head examined. What is this?

I thought perhaps the young lady might prefer some soup, sir.

Oh, you did, did you?

Well, she wouldn't prefer some soup.

If she'd prefer some soup, she'd ask for it.

It's very simple to say. "Soup, soup!"

Now bring us two champagnes and don't argue with me, and then just go.

Very good, sir. Immediately, sir.

You better be firm with these fellows, or they'll trample, trample, trample,

trample all over you.

The air is full of revolution and... and... romance.

- Oh, there's your friend again. - Huh? Oh...

Uh, good evening, your excellency.

Good evening.

I think you're wonderful.

- You do? - I certainly do.

Of course, I haven't been around much, and naturally,

just coming back from south America, almost anything would...

But just the same, I think you're marvelous!

You're different, you're terrific!

Oh, no, I'm not.

- Oh, yes, you are! - No, I'm not!

Well, maybe you're not, but, oh, yes, you are.

Greetings!

Welcome to our municipality!

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye.

- Oh, no. - I am the minister of utilities, Dr. Metz.

How do you do, Dr. Metz?

What is your name again, my little peach blossom?

Yes, and she's not your little peach blossom!

I can't tell you that.

Oh, incognito.

Oh, no, that's not it.

You'll never guess it.

Very sharp, she reminds me of myself.

Oh, we're gonna have lots of fun together, we three.

Yes, I can see that coming.

Now go get some champagne, konrad, lots of it.

- Well, I say, you go and get it yourself. - Birdy's thirsty, aren't you, my sweet?

Yes, oh, there's that dance you promised me, come on.

- What dance? I didn't say anything about... - Oh, yes, you did! Now, let's not waste the music.

Yeah, but how about me? I want to dance with birdy myself.

Well, remember your.

It's all right, I'm very much better dancer than...

Oh, no, no, no, but you can have the next dance.

Come on, my dear, that's right, just...

You just try and keep off her feet.

Well, here we are!

Go right in.

Oh, isn't this pretty?

Yes.

What sort of a room did you say it is?

Oh, well, it's just a private dining room.

You know, you... you... there's...

What is your name?

I mean, I can't go on tripping over it whenever I come to it.

Well, you can call me lu if you like.

Lu? Oh, Lulu!

Luisa, that's a beautiful name.

- You know something? - Know what?

The secret of my success has always been directness.

I mean, don't beat around the bush, jump over it,

and the further you jump, the quicker you get there.

- That's my motto. - What does it mean?

Well, it means, if you look in my eyes the way I look in yours,

or if I look in your eyes the way you look in...

No, wait a minute.

If I look in my eyes the way you...

Oh, no, throw it away, it's no good.

Suppose that you were walking through the woods one day,

and all of a sudden, you met a wizard who stopped you and said,

"little girl, what do you want?

Because I'm terribly, terribly rich, and I want to throw some of it your way."

What would you say?

- Oh, I don't know. - Well, I mean...

Is this the story of the enchanted woods?

Oh, uh, no, no, the enchanted bankroll!

Yeah!

Well, what would you... Oh, excuse me.

I'm sorry. Well, come on, now, what would you say to the wizard?

There must be plenty of things that a pretty young girl like you would like to have.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Oh, I like pretty dresses, lobsters, diamond bracelets, fur coats...

- Automobiles. - Yes, oh, any old thing.

Yes, well, I see you've given the matter some thought.

The poor wizard has gotten himself into something.

Well, which of these little knickknacks do you want?

- Oh, I don't want anything. - But you just said...

No, we were playing a game!

What do you mean, you really... For heaven's sake.

Well, you're stupendous!

I mean, all my life I've been looking for just such a, uh...

Well, how would a nice fur coat be to start with?

Would you accept it?

Why, naturally. What a funny question.

Well, there you are, you see!

You've practically got it on.

Now tell me, what kind of fur do you like?

Oh, I don't know, any old kind.

No, wait a minute.

Sable.

Eh, uh, oh, uh, sable.

Yes.

Yes, well, chinchilla is even more expensive.

Oh, I wouldn't want anything expensive, just something warm.

Oh, you just... Yeah, like sable.

Yes.

Well, you are the most...

I mean, you... you absolutely make me dizzy!

You electrify me, you fuse me!

You make me feel like 40!

I mean 20!

You put me back in short pants.

Now, look, let's play a little.

I mean, I'll be a mountain lion, and you'll be a little lamb,

and you're over here and you're eating grass,

and I'm hungry too, and suddenly I swoop down on you!

Oh!

- And I sweep you off your feet... - No, let me down.

And gallop you off to my cave in the mountains!

Galumph, galumph, galumph, galumph...

You rang, sir?

- Oh, hello. - Good evening, madam.

We... we were just playing a game.

So I perceive, madam.

Yes, well, what do you want?

I believe you rang for me, sir.

Yes, haven't I seen you before somewhere? I never forget a face.

Very probable, sir, I've been waiting around a long time.

I seem to connect you with something unpleasant.

Thank you, sir. Will there be anything else, sir?

Yes, there certainly will, we're going to order supper.

Come, sit down. I'm famished here.

Let me see, what, uh...

How's the, uh, how's the lobster soup?

- Terrible, sir. - What?

If there's one thing our chef can't make, it's lobster soup.

In strict confidence, sir, he can't make any kind of soup.

Well, thank you for warning me.

Well, how's the... how's the fillet of sole?

- Fillet of sole, sir? - Yes, yes!

- Vile, sir. - Vile?

I couldn't recommend it.

We're so far from the channel, you know, so it has to be packed in ice.

I suspect that the ice gave out about halfway, sir.

What, you don't mean that it's...

Oh, it's terrible.

Unfortunately, sir.

Well, is there anything the matter with the noisette of lamb?

Very leathery, sir.

What is leathery? How can lamb be leathery?

- I suspect it's goat, sir. - Goat?

But this is ridiculous!

I never... everything...

Nothing is first class about this hotel except the price!

Exactly, sir, just what I've always said.

Oh, maybe I'm not as hungry as I thought.

Nonsense! It's just because this individual presents everything so badly!

Well, is there anything here that you can suggest?

We have a very fine breast of Guinea hen, sir, in aspic,

with paté de foie gras and truffles.

- Oh, my. - Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?

- You didn't ask me, sir. - I didn't ask, I'm not supposed to!

You're the one, if there's any...

Oh, go get us two orders of that,

and bring me a bottle of pommery 1911 and a... bombe surprise.

- I'm very sorry, sir. - What's the matter now?

The Guinea hen is aspic is a special, sir.

It's served only in the cold buffet in the ballroom!

In the ball... but this is outrageous!

- I've never heard of such a thing! - I agree with you in every way, sir.

Why don't we have supper in the ballroom?

Because I want to eat right here!

Any particular reason, sir?

No. No! No particular reason.

What is this? It's ridiculous.

Everything that I want to order is either served in the ballroom

or it's been out in the sun too long.

We are only a féte, sir.

I could get you a splendid table in the ballroom!

I'm going to eat right here if it's the last thing I do in my life!

Now you go and get me some eggs!

- I'll see if we have any, sir. - What?!

You may depend upon it, sir.

Eggs!

Yes, did you notice that fellow's eyes?

They're like angry marbles.

No, I didn't notice.

I think he's crazy.

Bar none, free-for-all, any style, this is the worst hotel in the whole world!

Let's see, where were we before that... that came in?

Uh, oh, yes, I remember.

I was a mountain goat, uh...

Goat. Lion!

And... and I was carrying you off to my cave in the mountain!

No, leave me alone!

- But it's only a game. - I don't like it.

- But we were having... listen... - Oh, please, he doesn't want me to.

A little while ago, we were having such fun, and you were...

- What's the matter now? - I'm married.

You're married?

Yes, he's got a fever tonight.

- Oh, he has? - He certainly has.

Well, this is terrible!

Just when I've made up my mind I was going to deck you out like a Christmas tree.

This is te...

What did you...

- There are no eggs, sir. - What? Well, who asked you for...

Oh, go away, who asked you? We're not hungry anyway.

- I believe the young lady is famished, sir. - Well, get her something to eat then!

- What shall I bring, sir? - Well, bring her some tapioca pudding

and an order of fried fish and a plate of noodle soup!

- Sir. - Yes, and some soft-boiled goose eggs,

and a case of champagne and three glasses of milk

and a bucket of beer, and get out of here!

Yes, sir.

What are you doing with your hand up in the air like that?

Just nervousness, sir. Thank you, sir.

He's crazy as a quilt!

I'll have him locked up in the morning, I'll...

Oh, yes, you're married.

What did you want to go and do that for and spoil everything?

- Because I was frightened. - Yes, I know, but... what?

Well, of all the silly reasons, that takes the feather duster.

Because you were frightened.

And you'd look so gorgeous in minks and links and...

Oh, pitiful.

Just when I meet somebody that sweeps me off my feet,

somebody I want to flitter away my millions on.

Don't you understand, all my life I've wanted to be extravagant.

- I have too. - Well, there you are.

I've never seen a silly little anything that I haven't wanted to buy.

Me too.

Just...

Hold it!

- What? - Don't move!

I've got it! It's diabolical,

and at the same time, it's as simple as "how do you do?"

He'll buy you the fur coat, huh?

- Who? - Your husband, I'll make him rich!

It's marvelous, I thrive on obstacles.

- The reason for my great success has always been... - No, you can't do that!

Who can't do what? I can do anything, you hardly know me.

With the snap of my fingers, I make a man rich, I tear him down,

I build him up just like that.

Yeah, but I don't want you to.

Oh, you... you don't understand.

Besides, you can't.

Don't use that word, it irritates me.

- All my plans are foolproof. - You're gonna make me cry.

Well, why do you want to cry when you can do a good deed for somebody?

Here... here's a man who has been supporting you and... and...

- That's right. - Certainly it's right, and I suppose he isn't rich

or you'd have something, I mean, it's marvelous!

It's good for you and good for him and makes me feel better,

and at the same time, it's very funny.

Yes, it's funny all right.

Will you really make him rich?

Oh, well, how rich do you mean?

Just ordinary rich.

Oh, just ordinary. Well, I certainly would!

That means no more to me than...

What are you laughing at?

I was just thinking, am I making somebody rich?

- You making somebody rich? - Like the good fairy.

Just one wave of the wand.

Yeah, one wave of the checkbook.

Now tell me, what does he do?

Oh...

What... what does he do?

Yes, certainly, what does he do?

When I say, "what does he do?" I don't mean what size hat does he wear or something.

You want to know what... what he does?

Well, for the love of...

Do you think that I just like to hear my... I mean, like a canary bird or something?

What does he do?

Oh, my husband.

Oh, now we're right back where we started from.

Certainly, your husband, what does he...

I never asked him.

Oh, you never asked him, I see.

"What does he do? I never asked him."

Perhaps I don't make myself as clear as I...

When I say, "what does he do?" I mean, is he a butcher or a horse doctor

or a dentist or an undertaker or what?

What would you like him to be?

What would I like him to be?

Whatever I'd like him to be, I mean, he could just be?

He's very willing.

Well, that always sounds bad.

I suppose he's a deep sea diver or something.

That would give me a lot of trouble.

Why couldn't you have married a lawyer or... or maybe...

- A lawyer? - Yes, certainly, a lawyer, or even...

He is a lawyer!

Well, why didn't you say that in the first place?

Well, I was afraid, maybe you didn't need one.

Well, I'll see him in the morning and I'll make him...

I'll... I'll... I'll do anything for you.

I'll make him general European legal representative.

Oh.

What does it mean?

Well, it doesn't mean anything, but I'll make him something.

Now, what's his name?

Oh, his name.

Yes, certainly, his name.

Do you have to know his name?

Do I have to know his name?

Luisa, really, sometimes, I mean, after all, you're...

Do I have to know his name?

- Oh, his name. - Yes, certainly, his name!

- I mean, after all, it isn't as if... - Birdy!

Oh, no.

Birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy, birdy.

Here, what are you doing? Stop that! Now you just go on home.

Oh, yes, Dr. Metz.

J we'll meet beyond the grave, fare thee well, parlez vous j

j we'll meet beyond the grave, parlez vous, fare thee well j

what's the matter with you? Don't you know enough to keep out of a private dining room?

Didn't I tell you to get out? Haven't you any sense at all?

Here I've been signaling you all evening! You must be from the deaf and dumb asylum!

Lace, ladders, ladies tailors, lanolin, lapidaries...

What are you looking in the phone book for? You don't know anybody.

I hope he's poor, he's got to be poor.

Laundries, laundries, laundries, more laundries.

- Lawyers! - What do you want a lawyer for?

Oh, there are so many of them, if I could just find one who really needs it.

Hold this book.

- Wompa, wompa, wumpa, wumpa... - What?

- Shh, magic. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. - What's the matter with you?

Sweet and faithful rosalinda, take me where I want to go.

- There he is. - Who?

- My husband! - Your husband? You've been drinking.

Dr. Max sporum. Oh, he's got to be poor.

- Poor? - Is weisenberger street a poor street?

Certainly it's a poor street, my cousin lives there.

- Are you sure it's poor, really poor? - I tell you, my cousin lives there.

Oh, that's marvelous! Rosalinda really helped.

What's marvelous? It's a terrible street.

Who's rosalinda? What are you talking about?

What do you mean your husband? You haven't got a husband.

- You're going home! - Oh, I won't go home.

- You don't even know what's happening. - You're going home right away

or I'll tell him who you are and how you got here.

Oh, detlaff, you wouldn't do that. Oh, no, you wouldn't really play a trick like that on me,

not if you knew what's happened.

- Did something happen? - Yes!

I'll tear him to pieces.

I'll knock him down and pick him up

and then knock him down again and then pick him up again...

- No, it hasn't happened yet, it's going to happen! - Oh, it is, is it?

The only thing that's gonna happen to him is a terrible accident!

- I'll seize him by the throat! - No, no, no, detlaff.

No, no, no, no, detlaff.

Just give me two minutes to tell him his name and then I'll go home.

I promise I will, detlaff, just two minutes.

Alone at last!

I've... what are you doing here?

What is this, a waiter's waiting room or something?

Here, where's the supper I ordered?

It'll be outside, sir, in two minutes.

- Outside? - Qutside in two minutes.

Thank you, sir. Very good, sir.

In two minutes, outside!

Well, he's crazy as a chipmunk!

What does he mean, two minutes? We've been waiting two hours now...

- Mr. konrad? - What?

His name is Dr. Max sporum, 104 weisenberger street.

Uh, his name is... I don't need a doctor!

- Oh, you mean... - He's my husband.

My husband, oh, of course. Dr. Max...

Sporum, s-p... r-u-m.

- Sporum. - It's 104 weisenberger street.

104 weis... Is he in the phone book?

Oh, yes, he's in the phone book.

Oh, that's fine! Sporum, I'll see him the first thing in the morning.

Yes, well, I... I've got to go now.

Oh, but you can't, we have... Good heaven, we haven't had our soup yet.

I know, but if I don't go now, something terrible might happen.

Oh, but I wanted to have supper with you.

Some other time, I'll come any other time.

- Tomorrow night then? - Yes, tomorrow night, but not now.

Oh, is he that jealous?

Who? Oh, yes, he's terribly jealous.

He just goes simply wild.

I will, Mr. konrad, good night.

Oh, detlaff, I'm so grateful to you, this has been the most wonderful evening in my whole life.

Not for me it hasn't, I've never spent such an evening.

This is positively the last time that I play nursemaid!

If I ever do anything like this again, you can call me a dishwasher!

- Look, detlaff! - Huh?

Look.

Somewhere out there, just think, somewhere out there in the night,

maybe one of those twinkling lights, maybe one of those darked windows,

little Max is sleeping gently.

- Little who? - He's worried about his rent

or how he's going to eat tomorrow or something like that,

and he doesn't know, detlaff, just think, he doesn't know!

- Doesn't know what? - That I'm watching over him while he sleeps,

that I'm taking care of him,

that I'm his good fairy.

What is it?

I'm looking for Dr. Max sporum.

Well, he isn't here. Are you from the gas company?

No, I'm from the south American meat packing company.

I hate frozen meat, I wouldn't touch it. Good day.

Woof, I...

- How many times do I have to tell you? - Do I look like a meat salesman?

- Yes. - Well, I'll have you know, sir,

that I happen to be president and the principal stockholder

of a very large organization, the south American meat packing company.

- I still don't want any of your meat. - But I'm not here about meat!

I'm looking for Dr. Max sporum, a lawyer at this address.

I want some legal advice, and my first advice to him will be to discharge you.

- Oh, it will, will it? - Yes, it will!

Then let me tell you, my pompous friend, that nobody can discharge me

because I am Dr. sporum.

You?

Well, no wonder.

No wonder what?

Well, just no wonder.

You're Dr. sporum?

Well, you deserve to have me walk out on you.

Still, let's go into your office.

- Have you an office? - Certainly I have an office.

Where do you suppose I see my clients, in the bathroom?

I shouldn't be surprised.

Mind you, I still don't want any meat. =...

- A seat? - Yeah.

Dr. sporum, you don't know me,

but one of the reasons for my great success

is that once I set my mind to something, I'm unalterable, I carry it through.

Are you gonna tell me the story of your life?

No, sir, I am not.

I am merely trying to tell you why, in spite of everything,

I wish to appoint you general European legal representative

of the south American meat packing corporation.

Now, what do you think of that?

I'm not a child, you know.

No, nobody could mistake you for one.

I didn't pass first in my class at law school with highest honors

and special mention from the regent for nothing, you know.

Are you going to tell me the story of your life?

No, sir, I am not.

I am merely telling you that it is useless to try to pull the wool over my eyes.

- But I'm not... - Your subterfuges are childish.

I see through you like a pane of glass.

Oh, uh, you do?

Well, you couldn't... it's pitiful, you couldn't see through anything.

Much further than you think, my fine friend.

Now, you want us to believe

that you, as head of a large corporation, have chosen me, an unknown lawyer,

to be general European legal representative?

- Well, I... you see, doctor... - Answer yes or no.

Well... yes.

Then, without seeing your plan completely,

I see enough to smell a rat, and I will have nothing to do with shady deals.

- What are you... - I uphold a standard of ethics.

You've come to the wrong place, sir. Good day.

But I have not! That's just why I'm here!

I'm looking for an honest man. If possible, with brains.

Where did you ever hear of me?

Oh, now, come, doctor, you're not so obscure as you modestly pretend to believe.

Oh, no, your name has been going the rounds now for quite some time.

Where did you ever hear of me?

Well, I... a friend.

Ve - onl ry highly placed.

- Who? - Uh... Dr. Metz at the ministry.

- Dr. Metz? - Uh, yes.

- Himself? - Yes, in person!

Probably at the time of one of your cases.

What... the bugani case?

Yes, of course, that's it, the, uh, the good old garani case.

I always wanted to congratulate you on winning it.

But I lost it.

Oh, you lost... But of course, that's it!

But so cleverly, so very cleverly, doctor.

Sometimes it's better to lose a case cleverly than to win it stupidly.

That's what we admired.

I remember Dr. Metz saying to me, keep your eye on, uh, sp... sporum.

I did, I'm here.

That's right.

Yeah, well, congratulations.

You are now general European legal representative of the south American meat packing company, ltd.

- Limited? - Yes.

Your fees should total between 100,000 and 120,000 a year.

- Uh... - Minimum.

120,000?

Yes, well, in that general neighborhood.

And now, I'm a man of action.

Here, here are the contracts.

Just, uh, sign where you see the pencil Mark.

I believe we'll be able to keep you busy, doctor.

L, uh, I...

I might even send you on a tour of the, uh, company's branches

for the purpose of getting acquainted.

Yeah, in fact, I will send you.

You, uh, you could get a little car,

and, uh, while we're on that subject, uh,

forgive my mentioning it, but I, uh, I should like things

a little, uh, neater, more modern.

I mean, some new office equipment and everything like that to start with.

New office equipment to start with?

Yes, yes, naturally, later, you'll have a bigger office

and a staff of clerks and that sort of thing,

but for the moment, I mean, I... I permit myself to, uh,

to suggest that perhaps a new apartment and, uh, some nice, uh,

dresses and furs and things for any... dependent that you may have.

- 100,000 a year? - Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, and here, here are 10,000 kronen in advance

as a token of good faith to bind the contract.

Yes.

Yeah, they're good.

Remember, doctor, share your good fortune with, uh, with anyone, uh, near and dear to you.

It, uh, it means so much to them, I mean, a little mink coat here

and a little diamond bracelet there.

They love it, and it'll be so easy for you.

Yes, so very easy!

And remember, doctor, you can't do it too fast to suit me.

My motto is, the sooner the... quicker.

And [I'll telephone you later in the day, huh?

Oh, hello!

Well, shh, good morning.

- You've seen him? - Oh, yes.

Oh, what's he like?

Oh, he, uh... huh?

I mean, what was he like with you?

Oh, very funny.

Come, have breakfast with me and I'll tell you all about it.

No, no, I really think I'd better...

Oh, well, I guess it's too late now.

Oh, yes, much too late.

Come, we'll sneak away, huh?

Well, you see, I...

You're marvelous!

A little neater perhaps.

Office equipment.

I'm going to buy office equipment!

I'm going to buy office equipment.

Office equipment!

And have a large staff!

Mink coats.

Mink coats and diamond bracelets? What's he take me for?

I'm going to buy a pencil sharpener with a handle and different sized holes!

At last!

Talking out loud in an empty room like a radio.

I wonder if I'm crazy.

I don't feel crazy.

Office equipment.

You know, now that I've met him, everything is clear to me.

- Tis? - Oh, very clear, you poor child.

I don't see how you stand it, I mean, it'd annoy me to death.

I mean, doesn't it tickle?

Oh, forgive my vulgarity, I mean, I shouldn't tread on personal...

- Doesn't what tickle? - Well, I mean, the beard.

I thought I'd die when he stuck his head out.

If there's anything that backs me down, it's a beard.

He looks like my uncle.

Oh!

The... beard?

Oh.

Huh?

You certainly picked a good one when you picked him.

Didn't 1?

I should say you did.

How old is he?

Oh, um,

how old would you say he is?

Oh, I don't know, I mean,

you can't tell on account of the foliage.

Oh, a couple of years older than me.

Oh, he can't be that old!

Well, he does... that doesn't... It doesn't make him decrepit.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...

- Well... - Well, I've always thought of him as young.

Oh, you have?

Well, you've got some imagination.

Yes, well, I've got to go see what he's like.

I don't want him to do anything foolish and spoil everything.

Oh, yes, certainly, I...

What?

I mean, now that you've made him a... General.

European legal rep... Oh, yes, yes, I see.

I mean, sudden money.

I mean, you're quite right, it might...

I don't think he's, uh, very bright anyway.

Yes, he might say the wrong thing.

Yeah, he might, he does, he always says it.

Every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it.

Yes, I'd better go talk to him.

Yeah, well, tonight at 11.

Yes. You're sure now you didn't mention me?

Oh, of course not.

- And you know something funny? - What?

He didn't mention you either.

Yes, that's... that's funny, all right.

- It's marvelous! - Yeah.

Uh, are you Dr. Max sporum?

No, upstairs.

Sign here please.

- What? - Oh, come on, lady, I'm in a hurry.

- Thanks. - Look out.

- Say, give me a hand with the couch. - Sure.

Excuse me.

Oh!

- Oh... - There it is.

I was afraid they'd forgotten to send it. Thank you.

You don't know how much this means to me.

Have you ever wanted something all your life, and then suddenly, it arrived?

This was my great ambition.

It's beautiful. Are you sure it's a good one?

No.

Then why did you bring it?

Suppose this instrument doesn't perform the way it's intended to, what then?

Well, you could sharpen them with a kitchen knife.

And waste my time which happens to be very valuable?

I don't want to sound severe, but if you paid a little more attention to pencil sharpeners

and a little less to... to... Whatever you think about,

you might not have to work in a stationery shop all your life.

But I don't work in a stationery shop.

I see.

That is, I... I don't see.

Didn't you just bring this?

- No. - But I just took it out of your hands.

- Somebody pushed it at me. - I see, I see.

Let's try it anyway. Will you take hold of the foot?

Oh!

So smooth.

It must have ball bearings.

Glorious!

Like a needle, feel.

Did you ever see such a point?

I'm sorry I had to scold you just now, but it was for your own good.

Let's sharpen another.

Are you always so nasty to everybody?

See, these other holes are for the smaller ones.

It takes all sizes.

Who, me?

That's right, you're... you're not from the stationery shop, are you?

No.

Look, when it's full, you do like this.

You press that down, you take that out,

drop them out, and there you...

Oh, I am so sorry.

Were you looking for me?

I'm... I'm slightly excited today, as who wouldn't be.

Are you Dr. Max sporum?

Yes, and whom have I the honor?

Oh, my name is luisa...

- Luisa? - Ginglebusher.

How do you do? Gingle-what?

- Busher. - Ah, yes.

- And you wanted to see me about? - I just wanted to see what you looked like.

Uh-huh, and how do I look?

Terrible.

Really?

You look just the way ginglebusher sounds.

Oh, then I... I can't look so terrible.

Won't you sit down?

- What I came to see you about was... - Oh, yes, miss ginglebusher.

Well, I mean,

don't you think if you've got something to say to somebody, well, you just ought to say it right out,

and that way they don't make mistakes and spoil everything by saying something they shouldn't say

or anything, don't you think?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I hope you won't be disappointed.

I mean, that you won't feel...

Disappointed? My dear child, after what's happened to me today,

I can bear anything.

Oh, that's fine, because I didn't know just...

Well, I mean, some people are funny.

The reason for...

Do you know what's happened to me today?

Yes.

I mean, no.

You are looking upon the general European legal representative

of the south American... Meat packing company, ltd.

Hence the magnificence.

Are you glad about it?

Glad?

When you say glad, do you mean stupefied,

jubilant, triumphant, and thunderstruck?

- I guess so. - Then I'm glad.

And ['ll tell you why, more than anything else, because it vindicates what I've always contended,

that right is right, and that integrity is the shortcut to success.

- Yes, that's right, but what I wanted to talk... - Then kindly allow me to finish.

For years I've starved in this very spot where you now see me surrounded by expensive luxury.

For years, my dear child, for years, understand,

I have dreaded every pull on that doorbell

knowing that it meant always a summons for the rent

or a man to shut off the water or some individual bent on the removal of my gas meter,

and why, I ask you, why?

- I'll tell you why. - That's what I'm trying to tell you...

Because I uphold the standard of ethics,

and such a lawyer is useless to people interested only in gouging their fellow men.

Many times I weakened,

many times I nearly sank to the low level occupied by my fellow lawyers,

steeped in the law but unconcerned with justice.

Many times I faltered, but something always held me back,

and now, by virtue of that very something, honesty brings its reward.

You see before you a man whose fees total between 100,000 and 120,000 kronen a year,

um, limited.

Oh, you've got it all figured out.

What was it that rewarded you?

Integrity.

It so happens that the company were looking for an honest man,

and our president, Mr. konrad, a charming fellow, by the way,

heard of me and, uh, there you are.

I see.

And who do you think sent him?

- Who? - One of our most distinguished ministers, Dr. Metz.

- Oh. - Yes.

And now, what was it you wanted to tell me?

I'm afraid I allowed myself to be carried away for a moment.

Nothing.

Oh, but there was something.

You were afraid I was going to be disappointed about something.

No, I, uh, I wanted some legal advice.

What have you been doing that you shouldn't?

Nothing really.

Then I'll tell you what I'll do.

For one thing, because you're the first client to arrive since this world-shaking event,

and for another thing, because I think you're a very nice, young girl and I like you,

from now on, I'm your legal advisor for nothing.

- For nothing? - For nothing, free, gratis, without charge.

Why, that's very generous of you, but I...

No, no, please, don't thank me, I feel like doing it.

After all, if you find a chance to do something for somebody, do it.

- Do it with a smile. - Exactly!

And now, what is this very important legal matter?

The coffee.

Did you know there's an icebox that actually makes its own ice?

- No. - And with gas?

I don't believe it.

I don't either, but I read about it, and I might even buy one.

Our president, that's Mr. konrad, you know,

suggested this morning that I buy a motorcar.

- No! - Yes!

Well, not a big one, of course, just something to drive around in.

How many cylinders?

Oh, I don't know, I should think... One to start with.

Oh, isn't that wonderful?

I should use it for visiting our various branches.

We have a great many, you know.

You talk as if you've been working with them for a long time.

I feel as if I've grown up with the company.

What color are you going to get?

Red shows up nicely, or do you like green?

I was thinking along the lines of a nice, quiet black.

That's if I get one at all.

Do you want to look like an undertaker?

Why don't you get something cheerful like yellow or blue or green or...

Or what I like, pink.

- Pink? - Why not? I think that's a pretty color.

I think a nice, conservative black, and a very deep shade of it.

Well, of course, it's your car,

but if it was me, I certainly wouldn't get it black.

And I certainly wouldn't wear a beard either.

What?

Well, I wouldn't.

- Oh, you wouldn't? - I know it is any of my business,

but if I didn't have anything to hide, I certainly wouldn't wear a beard.

What was the legal question you wanted to ask me?

- I'm sorry. - There was some question.

Well, it was just...

If a girl told a man she was married and she wasn't,

but she only did it because she had to because she was frightened,

and then he asked her about her husband and she told him...

Is anything wrong in that?

Wrong in what?

I mean, when he asked her husband's name and she just...

This girl just picked out some name or other,

is there anything wrong in that?

I shouldn't think so.

It wouldn't matter what name or anything?

She didn't get anything from him under this assumed name, did she?

Oh, no, she didn't get anything, nothing.

Then she has nothing to worry about.

And she may drink her coffee in peace.

But if I had a name like ginglebusher, I should certainly use no other.

If I had a beard like that, I certainly wouldn't make fun of ginglebusher.

That, I think, concludes the legal business.

- I wish you'd take it off. - Never.

Put your hands like this a minute, I want to see something.

- I will not. - Please?

- Beautiful, it's got to come off. - Don't do that, you don't know what you're saying.

All right, but then it's got to be pink.

- Pink? - Of course it has!

You can't take that beard around in a black car.

Why, you'll frighten the children.

You ought to be spanked.

I'm sorry.

Let's go out and buy it right now!

Buy it? I merely mentioned it as part of the day's news.

One doesn't buy motorcars like that.

He told you to get it, and if you get it, you've got it.

Otherwise he might change his mind tomorrow, and then where would you be?

- Why should he change his mind? - I don't know, he just might, come on!

Mind you, if I go with you, I want it distinctly understood that it's merely to look at one.

Under no circumstances will I even consider buying it.

Yes, sir. Come on.

This is one of the most wonderful sensations I've ever experienced.

I feel like a bird.

- Oh, I got it. - All right?

I... I think you'd better stay on the left.

I feel safer in the middle.

Do you know what would make me still happier?

- What? - When you get a new suit.

- Do you think I really should? - Doctor, I really do.

Then I shall.

We'll buy today.

Never let it be said that a sporum ever refused the request of a ginglebusher.

Oh, really?

What do you mean, really?

You know what I mean.

My dear miss ginglebusher, on the pretext of calling on some legal matter...

"No sporum ever refused a ginglebusher's request."

Apparently you've no idea what a beard means to a man without children.

I know how it looks on a man without children.

My dear young lady, if you continue to argue along those lines for the next 78 years...

All right, all right...

I still would cling to my beard.

Just a second, please.

Thank you.

Proceed.

No, no, no, wait.

You don't really have to, if you don't want to.

Wouldn't you like to go and look at the pretty things out there?

Oh, excuse me.

Why don't you just take a shampoo and let it go at that?

No.

Take it off.

- It is criminal, that's what it is. - Do you think so?

I certainly think so. That's a beautiful beard!

Thank you. So is yours.

Thank you.

Why don't you change your mind?

Look!

Off.

- Off? - Off.

Off.

But Meredith.

But Meredith.

Lovely.

I say, it looks lovely, I thought you might have some comment about me.

I'm... I'm afraid you've made some mistake.

You bet I've made some mistake, miss ginglebusher!

Look at what I let you do to me. Look!

You!

Yes, it's me, what's left of me.

Firstly you see before you a man who has to shave!

The bane of human existence. It takes time, trouble, ruins the disposition...

- You look simply... - Please let me finish.

Secondly, it kept me warm in winter and cool in summer,

besides giving me something to do with my hands when I was nervous.

Oh, very funny, very funny.

You don't seem to realize that a beard is man's crowning glory,

the thing above all else that distinguishes him from the animals.

There are even animals that can speak, such as parrots,

but there are none with beards.

Such as Billy goats.

I feel so nude.

You look so gorgeous.

Oh, no, no, don't talk poppycock.

- Oh, but you do. - Anybody can look like this.

The other way, I... I looked like a lawyer.

And now you look like a general south American legalizer.

Oh, well, I suppose I should get used to it in time.

- Who is this nobleman? - Oh, isn't it beautiful?

- Yes, but what is it? - Genuine foxine.

Uh-huh, probably related to a fox or something.

Oh, no, please, no, you're not going to take it off, are you?

I mean, after all, what's a foxine between friends?

You've been so kind, and I... I forgive you even this.

I wish you'd accept it, I really do.

Oh, you don't... you don't have to give me anything.

Oh, no, of course I don't, I know that, but it would make me happy to know

that you were snugly wrapped in a... in a genuine foxine.

It is extremely warm, I believe.

I'd love to take it from you.

Oh, good.

Please.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

Now...

Well, what's the matter? What ever is the matter?

Nothing.

Please, what is it?

Well, it's just that, nobody ever gave me anything before,

and it makes me feel sort of funny.

Nobody ever gave you anything?

You see, when you're an orphan, you haven't got any family or anything.

I am so sorry.

I mean, when you're an orphan, you haven't got anybody to do things for.

I mean, you really have plenty, of course, but nobody your own you really want to for.

Don't you see?

Yes, but not clearly.

Well, I mean, I suppose everybody really wants to do something for somebody, naturally,

because it makes you feel good and all happy in your heart and...

Well, I suppose everybody really wants to feel that way, don't you think?

I believe one could say that with safety.

That's why I like you.

Do I gather from your statement that you have done or are about to do

or wish to do me some good?

Oh, no, no, I just meant, well,

that if something came along where I could do you some good,

why, why, naturally, I'd be glad to do it, but I don't suppose it ever would, do you?

I mean, where I could.

I'd do it, though, if it came along, if I could.

Why?

Well, maybe it's because I'm an orphan.

There should be more orphans.

Can I be of any assistance, sir?

- Oh, no. - Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

- Do you know what would be dreadful? - What?

If we lost each other and never saw each other again now that we've met.

Yes, wouldn't it?

You know, we are, both of us, practically alone in the world.

Oh, I'm glad you are too.

Now, I suppose we'll look into the iceless icebox situation.

What time is it?

- Oh... - But I could see you tonight.

Splendid. I could call for you with a car.

- Where do you work? - At the...

- Oh, no, I can't, I forgot. - What?

I have to have supper with a gentleman.

It isn't important, but I told him I would, and I guess I'd better.

- I have to go to his hotel. - His hotel... you mean, to his rooms?

I suppose so.

Well, shouldn't 1?

- Of course you should if you want to. - Well, I don't want to, I have to!

You know I'd rather go with you, but after all he's done...

I mean, I guess I'd better go, right?

Is this the gentlemen to whom you gave the assumed name?

- Yes. - I see.

For such a young girl, you're starting out well.

I'm not doing anything wrong!

That depends on how you look at it. Good day, miss ginglebusher.

- Wait a minute! - What is it?

Don't you want to see me anymore?

I thought we liked each other.

Apparently we were mistaken. Goodbye.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Come on, come on!

- Hello there! - Hello, dear.

- Oh, hello. - I thought I'd just better keep an eye on you.

Where'd you get that fur?

I don't want an eye kept on me.

- Where are you going? - I have an appointment.

- Who with? - None of your business.

Not that Mr. what's-his-name, not that meatball from last night!

- Well, suppose it is. - I won't have it!

- I'd sooner lie down and die than... - But I've got to, you don't understand.

He thinks it's because he's been honest all these years.

It means so much to him, he's so happy, he's got to stay that way, detlaff.

Even if he doesn't like me anymore, he's got to keep his pencil sharpener, detlaff.

Who thinks what? What do you mean, his pencil sharpener?

The trouble with you is you've been drinking again.

Don't be silly!

If you start out to be a good fairy, you can't stop right in the middle!

In the middle of what? Where does the pencil sharpener come in?

- You ought to be back in the asylum. - Leave me alone.

I positively forbid you to go to his rooms, or even in the same neighborhood as the hotel.

- Well, I'm going just the same. - I won't have it.

Don't you understand, something terrible is gonna happen to you if you go out there?

- What? - An a-number-one calamity.

A catastrophe!

Something so terrible, I can't bring myself to mention it.

A regular cataclysm!

Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'd do anything...

- I tell you, I won't have it! - Well, you can't do very much about it.

Whose car is this, what does this mean? Oh, the shame of it!

I'll put a spoke in your wheel if it's the last thing I ever do!

- You will not! - Oh, yes, I will!

- You will not! - 1 will!

- You won't! - 1 will, I will, 1 will!

Stop someplace where I can telephone, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Ow.

Yes?

Yes, this is Dr. spo...

Oh, my dear.

Oh, it's so good to hear your voice again.

I'm glad you're not angry with me anymore, because I...

Angry with you? No, no, I was furious with myself,

but when I went back to tell you,

you'd gone, and then I realized I didn't know where to find you,

and when I thought I was never gonna see you again, I...

Tell me, do you forgive me?

Of course I forgive you.

That's why I called to tell you that, and how much I want for you to be happy.

I want you to be rich and...

I can see you now with your pencil sharpener.

You're just like a little boy, really, especially without the beard.

That sounds silly, doesn't it?

A little boy without a beard.

I want you to do something for me, I know I sound crazy,

but after I hang up, think of me for a little while.

Think of me kindly, almost...

Almost as if...

I loved you.

One minute, no, no, miss... miss...

Luisa?

Hello? Hello?

Oh!

Oh, well, here you are!

Come in, come in.

Now we'll... we'll just go right in here.

I had everything all fixed up, and then,

at the last minute, look.

Very careless.

Well, there's many a cup 'twixt a slip and a, whatever it is.

The lamp's ruined anyway.

Here, sit down.

Don't touch it, look out.

And I just had everything all fixed.

Oh.

You know, this is my first...

I mean, I'm not used to... I...

How do you feel?

- Fine, thank you. - Oh.

- How do you feel? - Oh, fine.

And how is everything at the house?

Oh, all right, I gave him a good talking to.

- Yes. - And then we went out and bought a new car.

- Oh, fine, fine! - And then I made him get a new suit.

Yes, well, he needed it.

And then he got a new hat, new stick, gloves,

besides all the new furniture.

- Yes, but... - Oh, yes, I almost forgot.

- New shirts, new ties... - Yes, but how about you?

I mean, what did you get? That, after all, is what...

This.

What, that?

- That thing? - Isn't it lovely?

He gave it to me this afternoon.

Oh, he did, did he? Well, what's it supposed to be?

- Genuine foxine. - Oh, genuine foxine.

He gets himself an automobile and new furniture and a new suit of clothes,

and you get a piece of a thing like that?

"Genuine foxine."

Genuine piffle!

Well, I like it, it's mine.

I think it's lovely.

What does he mean by daring to present you with a piece of cat like that?

- It isn't cat! - Don't tell me, skins are part of my business.

That's cat, and very cheap cat at that.

Oh, look what you've done!

Oh, well, I didn't mean to...

Oh, I love it so.

Well, he ought to be ashamed of himself.

You know, since meeting him, I'm not quite sure I like the idea of your being married to him.

- Oh, you don't? - No. Genuine foxine.

In the first place, I don't like his personality,

and in the second place, I think he's miserly and unappreciative and two-faced.

And in the third place...

In the seventh place, I don't trust him,

and in the eighth place, I don't like him in the first place.

Well, don't talk that way about my husband.

- Huh? - He can't help it if he's all those things.

He was born that way.

Yes, well, it serves him right.

Besides, don't let's talk about him anyway.

I'm off duty, you understand, you haven't seen me.

You mustn't be frightened.

There's no reason.

Sit down.

There, that's right.

Oh, well, there you are, you see.

Last night I was full of Dutch courage,

and when I'm full of Dutch courage, I behave very frenchly.

I mean, I'm a regular playboy.

But when I'm not full of it, you see, I'm different.

Of course, when I make up my mind to something, I'm like concrete, you've got to admit that.

I mean, I certainly did everything I said I was going to do, didn't I?

Oh, my, yes, you were very generous.

Yeah, well, that's fine.

And now I want to tell you a secret.

Don't be fooled by my looks.

I mean, inside of me, I'm not really... I've...

- Not what? - Well, I'm not what you think I am.

- Oh, aren't you? - No, I certainly am not.

The reason for my great success was never that I cheated.

I hit hard, yes, but always below the belt.

I mean, above the belt.

Do you mean that you... You don't like me anymore?

Like you? Why, I worship you, I revere you.

You... you electrify me, you weld me into a... a...

You get the idea?

I mean, you make me dizzy, that's exactly the point.

I love you so much that I... I think you're marvelous.

I thought I could be, you know, one of those men that toy with the other sex,

but I... I don't know how to toy.

I'm really not a butterfly, I just look like one.

I want to hear the patter of little feet.

I want to hear voices calling me papa, lots of voices.

- Oh, no, Mr. konrad... - I want to sit around the house in my suspenders and I...

Oh, oh!

Excuse me, you're on my foxine!

Yes, I...

I want to watch you knitting socks for the little ones, stacks of socks!

L... don't you understand?

I want you to marry me.

Oh, luisa, let's take the bull by the teeth and...

What's that? What's the meaning of this?

Who is it? Keep cool, don't...

Ow! Help!

It's all right, I'll...

Detlaff, just a minute! Stop it!

Where... luisa, lu!

You're crazy! Detlaff, stop it!

Oh... elevator!

- I won't! Stop it! - You come along!

Luisa! Yes, I'm...

If you don't come along, I'll tell him the truth about everything.

Detlaff, you wouldn't!

Here, stop!

I'll have you arrested! I...

You wouldn't do that. You wouldn't.

You! What are you doing?

No, detlaff.

I can't...

- Hey! - Come on!

I ook out!

This way.

Taxi! Here, here!

Come on.

- Detlaff! - Get in here.

Hey! Come...

Here, here! What's the meaning of this outrage?

- Take your hand off me. - I'll have you locked up! I'll have...

Haven't I seen you before? I never forget a face. Who are you?

- Why, ll... - Don't tell me, the waiter!

Drive on!

Oh, I see it all now.

How can you look me in the face again, madam?

- As you for, you miserable... - Drive on, driver!

Handed home-wrecker!

Hey, hey! Ow.

Here, uh, get out of the way, look out.

- Just, uh, follow that cab, right, as quick as the cab. - Yes, sir.

- Oh, no, wait a minute! - No, sir?

- Better go to Dr. sporum. That's better. - Yes, sir.

Hurry up. Go on...

Where's Dr. sporum? I want to see him.

Isn't he home? Who are you, the new clerk?

- Do I look like one? - Yes, and not a good one.

Well, we're moving mighty fast.

What are you standing there for? You ought to be fired.

- What, again? - What do you mean, again?

Are you trying to be funny with me? You get Dr. sporum immediately.

- I am Dr. sporum. - You're Dr. sporum?

What do you mean, you're Dr. sporum?

He's a fellow with a beard.

Don't you think that I...

Uh, huh?

Uh...

Oh, well, what's the big idea?

- I shaved. - You shaved, well, you look terrible.

You don't look too well yourself. What's the matter with your eye?

- What do you suppose is the matter with it? - I should call it a black eye.

Well, that's exactly what it is.

Come into your office, I want to talk to you.

And what do you think of our new equipment?

Yes, well, I'm not interested.

Dr. sporum, a little while ago, I left my hotel to go for a ride

just to cool off, you understand, nothing else.

- Yes. - Well, now, a taxi cab in front of me

was pulling out at the same time, and as it backed up,

it smashed my headlights and... and gave me a black eye.

I'm merely explaining to you why I followed the taxi cab.

Because it smashed your lamps.

Exactly. You don't blame me?

I certainly do not. I would've followed it myself.

Yes, you certainly would.

They were brand new headlights made by zeiss and only put on this morning.

Now, the point is I didn't know whether they were covered by my insurance policy

because they were not on the car when I took out the policy.

- Uh-huh, I see. - No, you don't see.

But I'm telling you why I followed the taxi cab,

for no other reason, I want that distinctly understood.

One moment, did the taxi belong to one of the big companies?

- Yes, but that doesn't matter. - Oh, but it does.

I tell you, it doesn't matter!

When I caught up with the taxi, I looked inside. That's natural, isn't it?

Perfectly. You see, all the big taxi companies form a pool among themselves...

I looked inside, that's perfectly natural, and what do you think I saw?

I seem to recall a similar case of a man named Webber versus...

Sitting in the corner of the taxi

was an ugly, soup-stained, impertinent waiter from my hotel,

and in the other corner sat your wife.

I was right, the insurance company is entirely responsible.

- Huh? - The case is clear.

The insurance company must pay for the headlights.

Insurance company must pay for the headlights?

- Positively. The theory of navis refecta. - Huh?

Or the renovated ship, was all very well established in Roman law.

- You have nothing to worry about. - I have nothing to worry about?

If, in the course of time, every individual part of a ship were replaced by a new part,

the vessel nevertheless remained one and the same, legal...

But your wife was in the taxi with the waiter!

My wife?

How can you laugh at such a moment?

Well, because I haven't any wife.

You haven't any wife? Well, what what do you mean, you haven't any wife?

- I mean, I haven't any wife. - But you... you... you... you haven't any wife?

No, I'm not married.

You're not... What do you mean, you're not married?

I mean that I'm not married. What ever made you think that I was?

Well, I... I certainly...

Didn't I give you a five-year contract this morning?

- Yes. - And 10,000 kronen in advance?

Yes, thank you very much.

Well, there you are, I mean, you said... How can you say you're not married?

What... what's my being married to do with it?

Well, it's got everything... We don't hire single men.

They're not steady.

Well, I'm sorry, but you didn't say anything about it.

Why do you tell me that you're not married when I know perfectly well you are?

Oh, are you, by any chance, calling me a liar?

Well, not exactly, but why do you evade your responsibilities?

- Are you a coward? - Not so that you could notice it, my fine friend.

For two kronen, I...

I'll take care of you in a minute.

Yeah, we'll see who'll take care of what.

- You've just about ruined everything. - That's gratitude for you.

But I told you he only wanted to marry me.

Oh, that was all when Jonah ate the whale.

Oh, how can you be so...

Hello.

I... I'm terribly sorry, my dear, you catch me at a bad moment.

Our president is here.

Oh, he's here?

You see, that's just what I told you.

You and your friend, perhaps a little later, or even the first thing tomorrow...

You know I love to see you.

So you're not married, huh?

You're not married, and what ever gave me the impression, huh?

- You liar! - Sir!

All you need is an assault and battery case like that friend of yours there.

What do you mean, you're not married?

- What do you mean? - Good evening, Mrs. sporum.

You... did you tell the gentleman we weren't married, maxy?

Did I tell the gentleman...

- If you ask me... - Nobody asked you anything!

If you speak to me once more in that tone...

- Oh, pooh, you... - What does this mean?

Yes, that's what I'd like to know, but I certainly smell a fish.

- Meaning me? - You see, what really happened...

- Just be careful, that's all! - Stop it! Stop it, I tell you! Stop it at once!

If you don't stop, I'll have you arrested.

Better, um, come inside.

You see, Mr. konrad, when Max and I were married, I made him promise never to tell anybody

because my uncle, uncle detlaff, didn't like the idea of marriage much

because he tried it once and he didn't care for it much.

- Huh? - Oh, please let me explain.

I can explain everything!

You don't mean to tell me that this foul-looking individual is...

- My dear luisa... - Oh, maxy, please let me explain.

So you see, Mr. konrad, that's why maxy said we weren't married,

and naturally, if you'd known that it was my uncle detlaff in the taxi, why, you wouldn't...

Yes, but you mean to tell me that this stupid-looking goof is...

Oh, yes, yes, only he's really very nice,

and now everything's clear, isn't it?

And so, I'll just show you to your car, Mr. Konrad, because Max has a lot to do anyway.

- Well, I don't know... - Oh, detlaff, you keep...

- Oh, take care of uncle... - What is all of this?

But I don't... But I've just explained!

Don't make me do it all over again!

I'm afraid you'll have to.

Oh!

Oh, maxy!

Oh, dear, well, I guess perhaps I'd better just nip along.

- I mean, these family matters... - No, I think you should stay.

And you, too, uncle detlaff.

Very good, sir.

- What is this? - I can explain everything.

- Nobody asked you! - I think miss ginglebusher should do the explaining.

Miss gingle... Uh, who is miss ginglebusher?

- That's me. - Oh, no, don't be silly.

I mean, you couldn't... there's no... Who is Mrs. sporum?

That would be my mother, she lives in the country.

- Yes, but I thought that... - Little by little, it will come to you.

Oh, shut up! I don't know who lives in the country...

If only you could keep still for a moment!

Oh, well...

Now, now, now, what have they been doing to you, hmm?

Come along.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, come along.

There.

Oh!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

There I was in the private dining room, and detlaff was making faces at me, going like this.

And Mr. konrad said he was a rich wizard and he was going to throw a fur coat at me and everything,

and of course I promised Dr. Schultz to do a good deed every day when she let me out of the asylum.

- The asylum? - Orphan asylum!

- Oh. Who asked you anything? - Oh, will you please?

But I didn't really get frightened until he picked me up in his arms

and galloped me off to his cave in the mountains.

- What cave in the mountains? - Oh, well, it was just a game.

- The law has a different name for it, sir. - Oh, uh, the law?

So when I got really good and scared, I told him I was married,

just like that other time when I said detlaff was my husband in the streets.

- I thought he was your uncle. - Oh, no, he's a waiter,

but that didn't stop Mr. konrad.

- He just said... - Oh, but then she isn't married to anyone?

I wonder if you'd mind, please, just for one moment.

He just said, "now you're married, I can't give you a fur coat",

but I strive on obstacles."

- Uh, "thrive." - "Thrive."

And then he yelled, "I've got it! I'll make your husband rich!"

This is where you come in, sir.

- Me? - Yeah, and then Dr. Metz came in.

I saw a chance to do a good deed for Dr. Schultz,

so I looked in the telephone book to find a husband and I found... Dr. sporum.

All these doctors, what is this? I don't... it sounds like a hospital.

You mean you picked me out of a phone book?

I just said, "eeny, meeny, miny, moe."

Yeah, and you were moe.

I see, very funny.

I didn't mean any harm.

You know I wouldn't want to make you unhappy.

I just wanted to be a good fairy for somebody.

You mean, you... You told this man you were my wife?

Yes, sir.

Honesty is the shortcut to success.

The standard of ethics, long may it wave.

Integrity brings its reward.

Mr. konrad coveted my wife.

That was my reward.

"To his excellency, Dr. stanislas Metz at the ministry."

Honored sir, it is with some trepidation and enduring gratitude

"that I dare to address you, to thank you."

There's nothing to cry about.

It's been very funny.

Mr. konrad has lost a little money, of which he has plenty.

I've lost a little hope, that's about all.

You haven't lost anything.

Why are you crying?

Was it to his apartment you went tonight?

Yes.

Why?

So you could keep your blasted pencil sharpener, that's why!

Oh, no, luisa.

But I... I...

I just wanted you to have... everything.

I'm so sorry I made so much trouble for everybody.

I... I wish I were a real good fairy

so I could just wave my wand and undo everything I did.

- Well, goodbye. - No, wait a minute!

I mean, it's all so simple now, it's marvelous!

I mean, you and I, we could... we...

- No? - No.

Oh.

But... thank you anyway.

Oh, I...

I guess this is yours.

Oh, no, please, I...

Yes, of course, and the motorcar, and the equipment, and the balance of the money.

You can have them whenever you like.

Miss ginglebusher!

Don't go.

Luisa, don't go.

Lu.

Yes, Dr. s... Max?

We'll be very poor.

I've never been anything else.

But we'll get along.

Even without his old contract?

Oh, you will, will you? Very independent, aren't you?

Well, let me tell you, my fine friend, that this man is signed with my company

for five years, whether he likes it or not.

- What? - Yes, and if there's any breaking

of contracts around here, I'll do it. Who do you think you are?

- But Mr. konrad... - Oh, you really are?

Never mind, I... I can use one honest lawyer,

but don't overdo it.

You are the good fairy.

You flew into my life and changed everything.

No, you're the good fairy who changed my life.

No, no, no, as a matter of fact, I'm entirely responsible for...

If you say it was you, I'll punch you right in the eye!

If there's any good fairy around here, it's me!

J faithful and true j

j we lead ye forth j

j where love triumphant shall crown ye with joy &

j star of renown j

j flower of the earth &

j blessed be ye both far from all life's annoy jj