Original subtitles

[chill music]

[Annie sighs]

WOMAN: Hi. ‐ Hey.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

‐ Okay. Uh, what else?

Uh...all right.

Whoever took the Squatty Potty from the hallway bathroom,

just put that back.

GABE: Yeah, please, huh?

AMADI: No questions asked.

‐ Moving on. Questions?

‐ Oh. Um, I want to get Botox.

Can I get "The Thorn" to pay for that?

‐ That would be for Amadi.

I'm only entertaining creative or existential questions.

‐ Uh, can I, sir? ‐ Absolutely not.

‐ Oh, my God. That is ruthless, Amadi.

Boo, Amadi. Boo!

ALL: [booing] ‐ Okay.

‐ Boo, Amadi. Boo. AMADI: Okay. All right.

Before we finish up, I just want to welcome back

our very own Annie Easton.

‐ Yes. Annie begged for her job back.

I said "yes," she's here, and all is well.

‐ Yes, and uh, you know,

I know I've been away for a month,

but I hope it's like I never left, so‐‐

GABE: Ah!

The jewel of "The Thorn" has arrived.

CODY: Guilty as charged.

I want to say good morning to everybody, all right?

Good morning, my people. GABE: Good morning.

‐ I'm sorry I'm late, Gabe.

GABE: Never a problem.

Annie, this is Calendar Cody,

our current calendars editor.

‐ Wow.

Nobody ever calls me Calendar Annie.

‐ Well, that's because you just list the events,

whereas Cody is an event.

‐ Gabe, come on. GABE: I'm serious.

CODY: No! ‐ Okay.

Should we probably wrap it up then?

‐ Oh, yeah. Uh, meeting's over.

If that's okay with you, Cody.

‐ Yeah. Let's get to work.

GABE: All right. ‐ All right.

[Annie laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

‐ Annie. ANNIE: Oh!

‐ Just wanted to say "hey." ‐ Hey.

Hello, hello.

‐ You did a great job with the calendar, truly.

‐ Oh!

‐ I didn't have to do much work at all.

Just overhauled the layout a bit.

‐ Yeah, well, it seems like you're killing it.

Everybody loves you.

‐ That's really great to hear. ‐ Mm.

‐ You know, I live for the scene.

‐ Oh. ‐ I live for the night.

I live for the music.

ANNIE: Well, same. Same.

CODY: Yeah. ‐ The night, the music,

and the scene, of course.

[chuckles] He's gone.

‐ You know, he lives with his grandma,

and she's his best friend.

So cool.

‐ Yeah, well, both my grandmas are dead,

and I miss them a lot.

So much, so...

‐ Keep it to yourself. Gross.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh.

It's Cody's Candy Time.

‐ Andy, get over here

and get some of this chocolate.

Hello? RUTHIE: Hey.

‐ Yeah. This is for you, actually.

Okay. You got it.

‐ Good God damn it, he's just handing out candy bars.

‐ It's piñata time.

[all exclaim]

[laughter]

‐ Annie!

‐ Yeah. I'm just right here.

GABE: Great. Okay.

You're gonna be writing up the city council meetings

every Friday, plus you have the honor

of doing "The Thorn's" Freak of the Week.

‐ Oh, but Freak of the Week, isn't that more like a survey?

And‐‐and isn't Angus in charge of that?

‐ He was in charge of it until that woman's boa constrictor

made eye contact with him,

and now he's "scared," so you're in charge.

Is this gonna be a problem?

‐ Oh. No. No, no, no. GABE: Okay.

‐ No, no, no. Do not worry, Gabe.

Uh, I promise that this will be the best

Freak of the Week you've ever seen.

‐ Don't sit down there. ‐ Okay.

‐ I don't want the best; I want fine.

I want it to be the same that it's been every week

since the beginning of "The Thorn."

‐ Okay. So then it'll be that then.

I'm not going rogue. I'm just here to work.

‐ Walk‐‐just walk away. Walk away.

‐ But I'm happy to be back.

GABE: Walk that way.

‐ Andy, are you asking me

if it's legal to impregnate your sister?

‐ The sperm is for my sister's wife,

but if she gets pregnant,

shouldn't I get paternity leave?

‐ Can we just talk about this if and when that happens?

‐ Well, it's just‐‐ it sort of factors into

the whole decision‐making‐‐ ‐ Andy!

‐ We'll put a pin in it.

‐ Yeah. We'll do that.

‐ Wow.

‐ First thing in the morning, I'm already having

the jizz conversation.

Jeez. Living the dream.

‐ Well, I'm a reporter again, and you're the big boss.

I'd say we're back and better than ever.

‐ Yeah. Uh...

Ever since I went to design school,

I always dreamed of, like, coming in

and revamping a company's antiquated payroll system.

‐ Well, then maybe we should go to lunch,

and you can vent and scream it out.

‐ Yeah, honestly, Annie,

I don't even have time for that.

I'm just, like, so busy.

I don't have time to scream, okay?

It's just‐‐oh, fuck!

No. Fuck!

[Amadi groaning]

‐ Okay.

So then I will leave you,

because it seems like what you're doing is hard and bad,

and I'll go to my desk.

‐ Oh sh‐‐ Annie, shit, I'm sorry.

That's not your desk anymore.

That's Calendar Cody's now.

[muffled music playing]

‐ So then where do I sit?

‐ Don't worry.

You didn't plummet in my eyes for coming back,

but you're no longer my hero, just someone I know.

‐ Okay.

‐ You pussed out big time.

‐ I know. You keep saying that.

That's the fourth time you've said

I pussed out big time.

‐ I just can't stop thinking it.

‐ Okay.

Thank you, Maureen.

‐ I was thinking about getting a lava lamp for us,

but I didn't want you to be scared that it was real lava.

‐ Yeah, I think I would know that it's not real lava.

I think I could deduce that from it.

[phone buzzes, pings]

Oh.

[chuckles]

‐ What are the chuckles about, chuckle maniac?

‐ Oh, um, my‐‐ my boyfriend

is meeting my parents tonight for the first time, so...

‐ Ooh. That's a big deal.

Are you freaking?

‐ I mean, my dad's met him,

but my mom hasn't,

and she can be extremely judgmental, so...

‐ I remember when my mom met my boyfriend,

and now he's my stepdad.

‐ God!

I'm sorry. ‐ It's not so bad.

He's a good guy.

I took his last name.

‐ Is he the guy who always picks you up from here?

‐ Yeah. Cute, right?

♪ ♪

ANNIE: Hi. Good afternoon.

I'm calling from "The Weekly Thorn."

Um, I had a tip that you were a freak.

I'm sorry. Can you say that again?

You're a freak in the sheets

and a regional manager in the streets?

What you keep describing, that's‐‐

that's The Riddler from Batman.

So you don't do it anymore 'cause your teeth are gone.

That tracks.

I think the first thing you gotta do is find that snake.

No, I‐‐I know.

A little suit covered in question marks,

that's The Riddler from Batman.

No, no, no. Um, no, that's fine.

Thank you. Thank you for trying anyway.

Thanks. Bye‐bye.

Fuck.

How can I not find a fucking freak?

This is insane.

It's my first fucking day out, and I can't do this.

‐ I don't want to step on any toes,

but I may know of a freak.

‐ Is it your stepdad?

‐ No. He's not a freak.

I dated him.

MAUREEN: Give it to me. Give me sex.

Yes. ‐ Okay.

So uh, Maureen tells me

that your whole cycling group goes out like this.

‐ Yeah, yeah, we've done it for six years now.

I actually met Maureen here

when I was riding past her house

and she fell off her roof. ‐ Oh!

‐ I was trying to catch a hummingbird.

Terrence, can you actually lean into the light?

As staff photographer, it's my responsibility

to do a body justice.

‐ Sure. ‐ Um, okay.

So uh, typically,

we just ask for your three freakiest details,

but I was wondering, um,

could you tell me, like, why do you like to ride naked?

‐ Well, I'm a budget analyst,

and it can be very buttoned up,

like, constrained.

You know, there's a lot of anxiety.

But riding naked

just lets you cut away all the overthinking.

You just have to do it.

And then I just applied that to my entire life.

‐ That's really nice.

Um, I mean, I feel nervous all the time,

but I could never do what...you do.

‐ Sure, but, you know, being nervous

is the same thing as being excited.

It's just two different ways of looking at it.

And this way, I get to let my balls kiss the wind.

‐ Well, beautifully put.

And honestly, true.

‐ Now, Maureen, do you maybe want some

where I'm getting on the bike?

Where I'm on it?

‐ Yeah. Yeah. Just go slowly,

'cause I want to get you‐‐ the process of getting on.

‐ Oh. Oh. No.

I think maybe just on or off.

No‐‐no process, right?

‐ Well, there implicitly has to be a process,

but that's all right.

MAUREEN: One for safety. TERRENCE: Yep.

[camera shutter clicking]

[door closing]

‐ Hello. ‐ Hi.

‐ Ooh! Excuse me, ma'am.

What's this gorgeous look all about?

‐ I'm taking myself out on a nice little date tonight.

‐ Ooh! Romantic.

‐ Well, since I've been not dating,

I have been using myself for sex,

taking advantage of myself sexually a lot.

‐ Okay, so that's what all those "naps" are about?

‐ That's correct.

So I thought I should at least buy myself dinner.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ I mean, I haven't been alone

in so long, so tonight,

I'm just gonna get to know myself,

only me, no distractions.

‐ I love that for you.

‐ And you have a nasty little hot date tonight as well?

‐ Well, yeah.

‐ Introducing the Eastons to your wolf boy.

‐ Yeah. Please pray for me. ‐ I'm praying for you.

[both laugh]

RYAN: How do I look?

‐ You look like a park ranger in a porno.

[Fran laughs] ‐ Okay.

That's kind of my deal, though.

Putting my fires out.

‐ Yas. ANNIE: Have fun tonight.

‐ Thank you.

‐ I'm kind of nervous, actually.

I don't have to call them Mom and Dad, do I?

'Cause that'd be weird.

I guess I could call 'em Mama and Papa.

‐ I mean, I was feeling nervous earlier, too, you know,

but I think we're just nervous because we're excited,

and it's gonna be, like, a very special night.

It's a big step. ‐ Yeah.

I just want them to know I love you.

‐ Yeah, well, they will.

And then we'll just stick together,

and then all you have to do

is just tell them about yourself.

‐ I can do that. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ I'm an expert on me. ‐ [chuckles]

‐ But we should also probably have sex, though.

I mean, just to get the nervous energy and excitement out.

You know what I mean? ‐ I don't know.

My parents are at, like,

the front of my brain right now,

so that kind of makes me, like, the opposite of horny.

‐ No, no, I totally hear you.

But the problem is you look really hot right now,

and I'm gonna need to grab you.

[Nilufer Yanya's "H34T RISES"]

WOMAN: ♪ I'll be lost until we meet ♪

♪ Didn't think I'd be waiting for you ♪

‐ Okay. ‐ Mm‐hmm?

‐ Yeah, but we just have to make it quick, okay?

‐ Oh, ten pumps max.

‐ [chuckles]

‐ ♪ Didn't think I'd be taking orders ♪

♪ Didn't think ♪

♪ And what a mess I'll, mess I'll be ♪

♪ And what a mess I'll ♪

♪ Mess I'll be ♪

♪ And what a mess I'll, mess I'll be ♪

♪ And what a mess I'll ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Listen, I don't know what mesothelioma is, but I'm suing,

and I want my money, okay?

We're all getting paid, okay? ‐ Oh.

That's the coolest guy from my work.

He recommended this place. CODY: It don't feel great.

But I'm feeling‐‐hey. ANNIE: Hey.

‐ What's up? ‐ Wow.

All full of nanas. Cool.

BILL: Hello, dear. ANNIE: Hey.

Hi. ‐ Annie!

You look so put together.

‐ Thanks. I like your hair.

‐ Oh, thank you. It's new.

ANNIE: Ooh. ‐ You must be Ryan.

You're very tall.

‐ Oh, thanks. It's genetic. ‐ Oh.

‐ [chuckles] Wow.

‐ And it's nice to see you again, sir.

‐ You, too, but please call me Bill, all right?

RYAN: Oh, I almost forgot,

I got you guys something.

These are my way of saying thank you for creating Annie.

VERA: Oh! ‐ Oh, wow.

‐ Oh! ‐ My buddy works at the arena.

He gets these for free when they have, like,

just minor rips and stains and whatever.

‐ Well, that's a very kind gesture.

Thank you.

‐ You know, Bill and I don't really follow sports,

but we love these colors.

‐ Yeah, this is a real surprise for all of us.

‐ You can put them on or whatever, like, right now.

‐ Oh! ‐ Okay. Sure!

‐ Putting them on.

‐ Ooh. It's very high quality.

‐ Wow. That's red.

ANNIE: Very cool.

Well, um, should we maybe get some wine?

‐ Yes!

‐ Oh, no, no, no. No bread for us.

Thank you. ‐ Oh, that's okay.

We can keep it. ‐ Oh, no, no. You know me.

If it's in front of me, I'm gonna fill myself up on it.

No. ‐ Yeah.

But I want to have some,

and maybe other people at the table

want to have some, so...

‐ Uh, what do you want me to do?

‐ Oh, yeah. You can just leave it.

Thank you. ‐ All right, Ryan.

If you see me reaching for that bread,

I give you permission to slap me.

RYAN: Oh.

Well, I would never hit a woman.

‐ Oh. ‐ Yeah, we know that.

‐ I'm just joking. ‐ Oh, thank God.

'Cause I would never.

‐ Hitting women is a terrible thing.

‐ And we don't need to talk about assault at dinner.

RYAN: Okay.

[upbeat music playing]

[bell rings]

♪ ♪

‐ Hey, there.

I haven't seen you in here in a while.

‐ Yes. Hello.

Just so you know, I will not be flirting with you tonight.

‐ Oh. Okay.

‐ Previously, I have, and I would love to again,

but I'm with myself tonight, actually, so...

just know that you are very hot,

and normally I would be flirting.

‐ I mean, it kind of feels like you still are.

‐ That's just my natural charisma.

There's nothing I can do about that.

So do you have anything

that can make me feel like the only girl in the universe?

‐ I got you.

‐ Okay. Wow.

What's all this?

‐ A dab.

‐ And this is for marijuana?

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Not for crack?

[bubbling]

Okay, that might as well be crack.

♪ ♪

ANNIE: Okay. You have to eat that egg.

RYAN: I'm not eating that egg. You eat that egg.

‐ No. You do.

‐ You two are so cute.

How did you two meet?

RYAN: Um...

well, I was working at the hardware store,

and Annie came in, and obviously I noticed her,

and she came up to me and asked what a hammer does.

‐ Yeah, but I‐‐I do know what a hammer does.

I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.

‐ Hardware store, huh?

Maybe you can grab me a new, uh, smoke alarm

next time you're there.

ANNIE: Oh, wow.

‐ Or do they sell gardening equipment?

Maybe you can get Annie out working in the yard.

[laughter]

‐ Working in the yard? What is that?

VERA: I don't know.

When dad and I were dating,

we used to pick cherries on the weekends.

‐ Right.

‐ Anyway, I don't work at the hardware store anymore,

or anywhere, really.

VERA: Oh. BILL: Here we go.

VERA: Oh. ANNIE: Oh.

RYAN: Beautiful. BILL: Thank you.

‐ Oh, this is way too much food.

BILL: Beautiful.

‐ Oh, I better zip it,

or you're gonna write about me again.

[chuckles]

‐ Um, I'm‐‐I'm actually

gonna go to the restroom.

RYAN: Mmm.

[music playing in distance]

♪ ♪

KARAOKE SINGER: ♪ Fine and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Dancing in the moonlight ♪

♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright ♪

♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪

♪ Everybody's dancing in the moonlight ♪

‐ Well, he's flat, and she's pitchy.

KARAOKE SINGER: ♪ Everybody's feeling warm and bright ♪

‐ Give me the book.

KARAOKE SINGER: ♪ It's such a fine and natural sight ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Oh! ‐ Hey.

‐ Hi. ‐ Hey.

You doing okay?

‐ Yeah. Yeah.

I‐‐it's just a lot, you know?

‐ Yeah.

You're doing great. ‐ Oh. Thanks.

Well, uh, drop my name at the door,

and maybe you'll get a good seat.

BILL: [laughs] Whoa, whoa, wait.

You're doing my own dad jokes back to me?

This is a new era.

‐ Hey, uh, what do you think of Ryan?

‐ Ryan?

He's fine.

‐ Fine?

‐ Fine. ‐ Okay.

Do you want to say more than one syllable?

‐ Honey, I don't even know the man.

If he makes you happy, then I'm happy.

That's all I can say about him.

‐ Okay. ‐ All right.

I'll see you out there.

[pensive music]

♪ ♪

‐ [sighs]

BILL: Wow. VERA: Hmm.

I don't know about dessert, guys.

This all sounds so rich.

‐ Yeah, but we could get one for all of us,

and then we all have a bite.

That could be kind of fun, right?

‐ Good. VERA: Yeah.

Just been so bad with all the pasta and the bread.

ANNIE: Okay. How have you been bad?

It's food.

Like, we're literally just having a meal

like every other person in this fucking restaurant.

‐ Hey, Annie. ANNIE: What?

I'm just saying, everyone should be allowed

to do whatever they want,

just like you did when you went to Vancouver.

‐ Okay, well, what I want is to not have dessert.

‐ Okay. Great.

‐ I have a son in Vancouver.

I'm told not to be a part of his life.

‐ So can I offer anyone dessert?

‐ No. Just the check, thank you.

‐ Absolutely not. RYAN: Oh, yeah.

Strawberry shortcake.

Um...

Unless‐‐yeah, probably not,

but thank you.

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ I'm falling ♪

♪ In all the good times ♪

♪ I find myself longing for change ♪

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Nice!

‐ ♪ And in the bad times ♪

♪ I feel myself ♪

♪ I'm off the deep end ♪

♪ Watch as I dive in ♪

♪ I'll never meet the ground ♪

♪ Crash through the surface where they can't hurt us ♪

♪ We're far from the shallow now ♪

♪ In the sha‐ha‐shallow ♪

♪ In the shallow, sha‐la‐la‐low ♪

♪ ♪

That unicorn...

It's gorgeous.

That's me.

I can't let people too close or I'll hurt them with my horn.

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm off the deep end ♪

‐ That was nice of him to give us these jackets.

‐ Uh‐huh. [laughs]

I'm just worried people are gonna mistake us

for actual NBA players.

‐ [laughs]

‐ What was going on in there?

That got pretty tense.

‐ I feel like I can't say anything to her

or she'll get upset.

I know I'm not perfect.

I'm doing the best I can.

‐ We know that,

but Annie's an adult now, okay?

You have to talk to her like an adult.

Got to trust her to make her own decisions.

That was like the same old dynamic

from when she was a kid.

You used to count how many chocolate chips

she could eat in a day.

‐ Well, that was also

to help her with her arithmetic.

‐ Oh, come on.

‐ I just don't want to get in a big fight with her.

Where do you think Ryan got such a shiny shirt?

‐ The hardware store?

[Vera laughs]

RYAN: This was a great idea.

When we didn't order dessert, I was like, "No!"

‐ Yeah, I know.

My mom is so fucking insane about food.

I just couldn't sit there and not say anything,

but she ruined that entire dinner.

I'm really sorry. That sucked.

‐ I didn't notice anything weird at all.

‐ What? That's literally all I noticed.

‐ I thought we had fun.

I like your parents a lot,

and I think they like the jackets I gave them.

What do you think?

Did I do a good job?

‐ Yeah.

Yeah, I‐‐I think you did a really good job.

‐ Cool.

Can I ask you a question?

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ During sex,

you think I'll ever be able to make you squirt?

I mean, it just seemed like earlier, you were almost there,

and I would love to be able to do that for you.

‐ Um, yeah, I don't think that I can really

do, like, squirt talk right now.

‐ Fair enough.

CYCLIST: Whoo‐hoo!

[people cheering]

‐ Oh, my God.

[people cheering]

RYAN: Oh, cool!

What is this?

Amazing.

‐ Hi, Annie!

Whoo‐hoo!

[bicycle bells ringing]

‐ Annie, I'm not wearing any socks!

I feel so free.

‐ You know these people?

‐ Well, yeah.

They're my friends.

‐ Whoo‐hoo!

CYCLIST: Whoo! RYAN: Whoo!

This is the best!

Whoo‐hoo!

CYCLIST: Whoo‐hoo! ‐ Yeah!

Whoo!

MAN: ♪ Blow out that cherry bomb ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Mm, you got to know it's on your sleeve ♪

♪ Know it's on your sleeve ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It was the longest day that I'd ever known ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I watched you start that drive ♪

♪ I could pay to that hand on your cherry bomb ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh‐hoo ♪

♪ ♪