Original subtitles

(electronic music)

(upbeat music)

(cheerful music)

- Mwah!

- Have a nice afternoon.

- Don't do anything I wouldn't.

- [Both] At least not without me!

- Hiya.

Drinks?

- White wine and soda, please.

And you make sure it's definitely soda, not lemonade?

- Coke, ta.

Me and Greg are on the wine a bit water.

- Coke for me too, thanks.

Hey, that new Italian's opening next Thursday.

We should go, make a night of it.

- I can't, anniversary.

- Ah, is it?

Brill, how long now, Lisa?

- 10 years.

- (gasps) How quick!

It only feels like last month.

- Like you could remember even if it was,

state you were in. (laughs)

- Isn't 10 years an important one?

- They're all important, Denise.

Me and Greg are coming up to four years now.

Even that is important.

- Is he getting you anything nice?

- What's the tradition for 10 years?

- Tin.

- Tin?

What can he buy you that's made of tin?

- Bugger all.

He'll forget anyway, I bet ya.

- Thanks for this, Dan.

I hope you don't think I take advantage.

- Don't be daft.

There you go, all done.

- Do I owe you anything?

- Oh, don't worry about it.

I've only been here 10 minutes.

- What is it about a man in his work gear?

- What time is Jim home?

- Who?

(laughs) Oh, you're such a mugger, Dan

I'm just messing.

Just messing.

Fret not.

He won't be back til gone six.

Are you hungry?

- Um, I should be getting a move on.

- Lisa's not back yet, is she?

Mm, fish pie.

- Fish pie?

- Hey, I've just had a thought.

- Three-minute warning.

- How many years is 10 in and years?

- 70, why?

- Pretend you're a and and ask for a diamond, then.

- Oh, that's 60 years, it's not 70.

- And I'm not a and, thank you very much.

- Good point.

- Ready to order your food, ladies?

- Carolina chicken burger, please.

And can I have a pot of thousand island on the side?

Oh, and actually, could I have a slice

of melted cheese on the burger?

Thanks.

And a pot of cole slaw on the side.

And two loaded skins, one mushroom, one cheese.

Can you fry the mushrooms for me, please?

And can I have a dollop of sour cream

in the middle of the skins, not on the side.

And a portion of onion rings, if you can.

- On the side?

- Please.

- Fries?

- No, thanks.

I'm being good.

(door closes)

I'm really sorry.

We ended up eating.

Shelley said it was her treat.

How could I refuse?

- You've eaten?

- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Oh, thank God for that.

So have I.

- Oh.

I got you this to make up for it.

I felt dead sorry for you,

sat here on your own, all starvin' Marvin.

- I don't believe it.

That's mental.

Unbelievable.

Talk about Derren Brown.

- What?

- Bianca made a fish pie.

- Excuse me?

- Bianca made a--

- Yeah, I heard you the first time.

- Is there something wrong?

- Uh, yes.

- Uh, what?

- I felt tight, Dan, 'cause I never do fish pie.

'Cause I hate it.

And you're always going on about it.

Oh, Lisa, let's go down the Dog & Dart.

They do a crackin' fish pie.

So I got you one.

Look.

And then I come home,

and you haven't even got the decency to call me

or even text to tell me you've had your face

fed, and to top it all,

you've had your face fed by Miss Skimpy Knickers!

What was for pudding, a blowjob?

- You've been out with your friends.

You've fed your face, haven't you?

You didn't tell me, did ya?

- That is completely different.

(door closes)

- [Sue] Yoo-hoo!

It's only me.

- Hi, Mom.

- Buy one, get one free!

Have you eaten?

- He has.

- So's she.

- But I didn't plan on it!

It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

You'd be cross with Dad if he'd had his face

fed by Bianca without checking if you'd eaten first,

wouldn't you, Mom?

- Don't mention your father.

- What's up?

- We're disagreeing over something.

- What now?

- Fashion.

He needs a mew coat,

and I think he should have a leather one.

He's insisting on another anorak.

We've got that coach trip to York a week on Friday.

I'm sick of him looking like the village idiot.

Every time we go somewhere nice.

There you are, love.

And when did your father ever insist

on anything to do with fashion?

- Midlife crisis, Sue.

- What, Barry?

A crisis? (laughs)

- Seriously.

Classic symptom.

Suddenly givin' a shit about what you look like.

(door closes)

- Yo, kids.

Hey, eBay, 14 quid.

49.99 in the shops.

Kaching!

Eh?

Come here, my precious little Cabbage Patch doll.

- [Lisa] Hiya, Dad!

- Hi, love.

Now, where do you want them shelves?

- Oh, in here.

(sultry music)

- All right, gorgeous.

- Greg!

- Good day?

- A bottle of wine and a DVD, remember?

I thought you'd be home.

- I was just on my way.

- It doesn't look like that from where I'm standing.

What did I say to you this morning?

One pint is fine,

stay off the fruit machine,

and don't be late back.

How hard can that be, Greg?

- Lighten up, foxy.

Shelley!

Shelley!

(game dings)

(gentle music)

* Shining light every time you die *

* Can't put out the fire

* In my heart

* It's burning up right from the start *

- I'm sorry, okay?

And I don't fancy Bianca.

- You've not even tried to look up her skirt?

- Never.

You're my wife, and I love you, and only you.

- Two for the price of one!

Do you want me to do your bog before we go?

- Lisa, Dan.

- Hi, Kate.

How's it going?

- How you keeping?

- Good, thanks.

Ta-da!

- [Lisa] Yours?

- Martin's life insurance came through.

- That's brilliant!

I mean, it's not brilliant.

- I know what you mean, Lisa.

- It's brilliant that you're moving on.

- It feels right.

Actually, Dan, would you have a look at the loos for me?

They just need a bit of attention.

- Sure, just give us a ring.

- Is later okay?

- Any time.

- Thanks.

- See you soon, love. - See you soon.

- She needs to start gettin' herself back out to the pub.

- She needs a makeover first, the poor cow.

(upbeat music)

- Oh, very smart.

- It's the new me.

No more messin' about.

I've dumped Fergus.

- What's happened?

Has his wallet been nicked?

- Keep your voice down, Talia.

Last thing I need is Shelley finding out

after I've got away with it this long.

- It's all right.

She's not in yet.

- You were right, weren't you?

He were never gonna leave his wife.

- She's finally seen the light.

God, Denise, you can do so much better than Fergus.

- He can do so much better than me, you mean.

- Don't put yourself down, Denise.

One man's treasure is another man's trash.

Always remember that.

- Lisa, any sign of what Dan's gettin' ya

for your anniversary yet?

- Fuck all at this rate.

He's not even mentioned it.

- Oh.

- What have you come as?

- I'd like to register for some temp work, please.

- I've even sorted myself out with a date.

- Already?

- I need to move on.

Went online.

He's called Kevin.

He's got his own business and a townhouse.

- Ooh.

- My office, now, please.

I've left him.

I need a favor.

Me and Greg had a big row last night.

He thinks that I'm naggin' him.

- What about?

- Generally his whole existence.

- What's he been doing?

- What's he not been doing?

It's like he doesn't give a shit any more.

If he was any more laid back,

he'd be in a friggin' coma.

- Isn't that why you fell in love

with him in the first place?

- And I've told him he needs to stop gambling.

- A pint next to the fruit machine every now

and again is hardly midnight poker, Shelley.

- Every now and again?

Lisa, it's more than that.

He spends half his Saturday down the bookies these days.

- Oh, just give him a good kick up the ass, girl.

- I already have done.

I told him, it needs to stop.

He didn't like it.

He told me I'm the one with the problem.

It's like he won't even acknowledge it!

It all went a bit far, and I walked out on him.

- Ooh, that's a bit drastic.

- He needs to face up to it.

I had to show him I was serious.

You know what he's like.

- Bloody hell, Shelley.

Where are you staying?

- That's the favor.

- Mine?

- [Dan] It better had be just a few days!

- Like I've got much choice.

Trust me to have me boss as a best mate.

- Fancy a bit?

Quickie if you're knackered.

- I tell you what, d'you fancy it up the ass?

- Yeah!

(cell phone chimes)

- How did it go?

- Honest truth?

- Obviously.

- (sighs) My granddad was right.

He used to tell me the world is flat

and if I venture out too far, I'll fall off the edge.

- Oh.

- From now on I'm gonna stick to hangin'

around the meals-for-one section at the co-op.

Maybe I'll just meet someone there instead.

(radio morning show playing)

- Morning.

- Morning.

- Coffee?

- You're late, aren't ya?

- Uh.

(doorbell rings)

- Morning, Bianca.

- Is he in?

It's friggin' welded.

Oh.

Any idea who's moving in?

- [Lisa] None whatsoever.

- About time.

They might get that garden sorted out at last.

Right old mess.

Oh, morning, Dan.

You'll know what I mean, eh, cock?

Nowt worse than an overgrown bush, is there? (laughs)

- Silly old trout.

(cheerful music)

- There you go, Jim.

- Lovely, ta.

Oh, raspberry or passion fruit, by the way?

- What?

- Raspberry or passion fruit?

- You've lost me.

- Pavlova, for afters, tonight?

- Oh, God, you're doing Pavlova.

Totally forgot.

Brain like a friggin' sieve.

Sorry.

- Well raspberry, passion fruit?

- I tell you what, Samson, you decide.

(upbeat music)

- Okay.

Interests.

Football?

Ugh, no thanks.

- Why not?

You could have all day every Saturday

just to pamper yourself.

I do.

- I don't think so, somehow.

When a man goes out with me, he needs to be available 24/10.

Enjoys good food and wine.

- Oh, nice, cultured.

- All the weight, you mean.

Oh God, four dating sites

and not a decent bloke on any of them.

- I'm late for yoga.

Lisa, you're covering for me.

I'm expecting a call from the new finance director.

- [Lisa] Is there anything I should be aware of?

- God, yeah.

He's got a sexy voice, all deep and throaty.

Keep your legs crossed.

Seriously, it's just targets.

File's on my desk.

Nothing you can't handle.

- They're all decent, Denise.

You just need to give people more of a chance.

- You won't be sayin' that when I get serial killed, Lisa.

Nowt wrong with a bit of cautious selection.

Oh, he looks nice.

Likes model railways and his mom's home cooking.

- Don't do it.

Perverts, them train types, scientifically proven fact.

(sultry music)

- Shelley!

- [Shelley] Hi, Sue.

- Oh.

- Barry. - Hiya.

- How are you both?

Hey, you know us two.

Hey, shakin' and a-makin'.

- You'll be pleased to know he's taking his medication.

Are you up to anything nice, love?

- Oh, just yoga.

You?

- Oh, Barry needs a new coat.

- Uh, nothing too snazzy.

- Then we're going to the Dog & Dart.

- Hey, two courses, 6.95.

- Yeah, they do a crackin' piece of fish.

I mean, you can't argue with that, can you?

It's just for the over 55s, though.

- Perfect for a couple of old codgers like us.

- Speak for yourself.

- Hey, sunshine, age is nothing to be ashamed of.

I remember when the air was clean and sex were dirty.

- Shut it.

Lovely to see you, Shelley.

- Yeah, and you.

See you later.

(upbeat music)

- You definitely want these ones?

(Kate crying)

- Hey, hey, come on.

If you don't like 'em...

- It's not that.

I'm sorry.

I just keep thinking all this.

If Martin was here, you know,

he'd, he'd be so proud of me.

- Oh, of course he would.

Mega-proud.

He'd be looking down on you right now.

Shall I make us a cup of tea?

- Would you, please?

Thanks, Dan.

- [Sue] That's not leather.

- No, but it's snazzy.

- Dan's bloody right.

You are having a crisis.

What's next, a 26-year-old mistress?

Hair transplant?

Sun roof?

- So you don't like it?

- Look, if you want to walk around York

lookin' like a pillock, that's fine by me.

But I won't be walking with ya.

All right?

(gentle music)

(people laughing)

- Having fun?

- We're just watching Screen Stars.

How funny is Stir Crazy, Dan, eh?

- Hilarious.

Uh, how has your day been, treacle?

- Absolutely bloody marvelous.

Kitchen, now!

- You okay, cheesecake?

D'you want me to do anything?

- Yes, actually!

Take Greg out for a pint, pronto.

Force him to get her back home,

because I'm not putting up with that for much longer!

- With what?

- Don't insult my intelligence

and pretend you haven't noticed.

- Noticed what?

- You're a man, you notice!

You could crack a walnut with that tush!

- Do you want me to make you a camomile tea?

- I tell you what I do want, Dan.

Next time she invites you for an afternoon gigglefest

wearing nothing but a pair of fanny skimming hot pants,

will you do the right thing and just fuck off out?

- All right, keep your hair on!

So she's fit.

And before you start, yes, I'd give her one.

- You'd give Shelley one?

- If I was single.

- That's disgusting.

- But I'm not single.

- I mean, I can understand Madonna.

She looks great for 50-odd, but Shelley?

- You fancy Richard Madeley.

- So?

- You said you'd give him one.

- If I was Judy's age, and I was stuck in a lift.

- See?

- This is different.

Richard is a fantasy.

She's stopping at our house, and she's my boss.

- And you're my wife,

which is why I'm not gonna do anything about it, all right?

- I must admit, Dan, for a man who's reasonably attractive,

you've got really cheap taste in women.

- Hang on.

- And for your information, before you try anything on,

Shelley doesn't do beer guts!

- [Greg] Hiya, mate.

- Never mind hiya, mate.

You and I need a chat, pronto.

- I sent her a text.

What more can I do?

- A text?

- Yes.

- You sent her a text?

- Yeah.

Why should I always be the one that goes

creeping back to her?

- I tell you why you should go creeping

back to her, shall I?

Because she's your bleeding wife, for a start!

And she's getting on my wife's tits!

All right?

And when someone gets on my wife's tits,

my wife has to tell me about it!

And before you know it, my wife's gettin' on my tits too!

So, crucially, mate, and before you start,

yes, you're my best mate, of that there is no doubt,

but crucially, mate, as it stands, at the moment,

in conclusion, you are getting right on my tits!

Are you with me?

- Bollocks!

I'll take her out then, shall I?

See if I can talk her round.

- That, sunshine, will be a tremendous start.

- I even checked his suit pocket in the wardrobe.

He only ever wears it for funerals.

And no one's snuffed it since my mom's

Uncle Ray fell off the roof.

He hid a necklace for my 30th in the inside pocket.

Ah.

Oh, he's definitely forgotten.

Denise!

Are you listening to me?

- Listening and typing?

Ambitious, then, eh?

- Fergus has sent me an email.

- I hope you told him to sling it, the bastard.

- Just 'cause he's married doesn't make him a bastard, Lisa.

- He's winding you back in again.

- He says so good to hear from ya.

Please forgive me.

I can't bear it when we're not speaking.

- So good to hear from ya?

You said you'd never speak to him again.

- I know.

- But you got back in touch?

- Just a horny email.

He's a sucker for the word moist.

- I've had enough of this.

- [Denise] Fun Times Dating.

- Website.

It's genius.

I put you on, I write your profile, and I choose your dates.

Less chance of you being quite so picky then, eh?

- Oh, I don't.

- My house tonight.

I'll get Dan to help us.

- Hmm.

(cell phone ringing)

- Hello.

- My princess, sex goddess, angel of the North.

Stunning ray of light in an otherwise

dark and miserable existence.

- What do you want, Greg?

- Just want to know how you are.

- How do you think I am?

- Just answer the question.

How are ya?

- Surviving.

Coping.

Muddling through.

You do what you have to, don't you?

Why, how are you?

- You know me.

Lost a couple of pounds.

Nose hair's out of control.

- Oh, no.

- [Greg] I thought we could go out for a drink,

talk it through.

You know, sit there and overcomplicate everything,

just how you like it.

- I'm trying to help you.

Make you a better husband, keep you away from vice and sin.

- But we love vice and sin.

- Greg.

- [Greg] Meet me at the Dog & Dart.

I'll get you a lager and lime.

- You need to remember that I need

looking after underneath all this.

- Underneath comes later, sexy.

Dog & Dart?

Lager and lime?

- Just because I'm a high flier doesn't mean

I don't have vulnerabilities.

I can actually be quite fragile!

- Don't make me beg, bitch.

- What time do you want me?

- Give us a ring.

- Yes, yes, yes!

He's taking me out.

I'm meetin' him this afternoon.

- Fantastic!

- Lisa, babes, there's a sale on at La Senza.

Can you take my three o'clock meeting with David?

- David, as in head office David?

- As in four sugars in his coffee David?

- As in won't look you in the eye David?

- As in watches Newsnight David?

- It's just sales figures, all right?

You'll nail it.

- How d'you know he watches Newsnight?

- I went to his room after the Christmas party.

- To watch Newsnight?

- Well, no, but he put it on after I give him a nosh.

And he sure as hell looks me in the eye.

Coffee?

- Who doesn't go to the pub, for fuck's sake?

Or throw the odd fiver on a horse every now and again?

She knows I'll never be a suit boy or an office tart.

- She'll chill out after a few days.

They always do.

- You'll have to use your 50-50.

- I already have done.

Come on, just a little bit of help, lads.

I'm on the last one.

- Phone him, Dan.

(cell phone ringing)

(classical music)

- Come on, Barry, answer.

- Peace of the Middle East, kid.

- Patron saint of Spain, Teresa or Bernadette?

- Teresa, final answer.

- D.

(fanfare music)

(men laughing)

- Thanks, Bazza!

(coins rattling)

- Babes!

It's not what it looks like.

- Save your breath, you idiot.

- Where are you going?

- Home.

- Oh, great.

What am I meant to do now?

- Chocolates?

Flowers?

Use your imagination.

- [Lisa] Okay, I can choose you any fella I like.

- Uh, well, not a caretaker

or someone with a dicky eye or anything.

- Shut it, you.

If we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it properly.

And that means following my rules.

- You wouldn't shag someone with a dicky eye, would ya?

Would you, Dan?

- Don't involve him.

He lost his virginity to Mariella Spencer,

and she had hairy nipples.

- No worse than you going out with Pete Parsnage.

- Ah, nothing wrong with Pete Parsnage.

- Apart from the fact he had a missing bollock.

- Don't be mean.

It took me a long time to get over Pete Parsnage.

- How long exactly?

- Like it matters.

It's in the past.

- Are you over him now?

- Leave it, Dan.

- It's a reasonable question.

- I said, leave it!

Attractive, fun-loving, great job, big heart,

good sense of humor, seeks nice guy to go

out and have fun with.

- That's all fantastic!

- It says, rate your mate's intelligence

on a scale of one to 10.

- A HND in leisure studies.

- I'll put six.

Rate your mate's sense of humor.

- No one gives a toss about that.

- They must do.

- Blokes don't.

Vital statistics, that's what men want to know.

- There's no such thing as vital statistics any more.

- All right, then, size of tits.

- Put voluptuous.

- It doesn't mention size of tits.

- Come on, Dan, rate my sense of humor then.

- Seven drunk, three sober.

- Eight's better.

Everybody wants someone who's a laugh, don't they?

Ah, here we are.

Rate your mate's attractiveness on a scale of one to 10.

Well, Dan?

Like you said, you're a bloke, scale of one to 10.

- Come on, Dan, just say it.

I won't be offended.

Promise.

- Come on, you wuss!

A fuckin' nine?

You think Denise is a fuckin' nine?

What would you rate me, then?

- 10, obviously.

- One above Denise?

I'm your bleedin' wife, Dan.

Shouldn't there be more than

one point between me and Denise?

- I was only tryin' to be nice to her.

- Bullshit.

- It's not just about looks.

You think we're that base?

- What else is it about then?

This I cannot wait to hear.

- Good in bed, good cook, I dunno.

- Women died for liberation,

and all you care about is your belly and your widge!

- How'd you do it?

- What?

- Twist everything?

- Just tell me the truth, Dan.

Do you fancy Denise?

- No!

- But you gave her a nine?

- It's only a stupid dating site.

- I don't believe this!

- As if it's not enough, Dan,

you lechin' after Miss Skimpy Knickers.

Then you get a lob on watching

Shelley parade her undercarriage.

And now you admit you want to sleep with Denise!

- Didn't have a lob on.

- You're not denying you want to sleep with Denise, though.

- Oh, put a fuckin' sock in it, will ya!

- What?

- You heard.

- How dare you.

- Since when did you become my bleedin' mother?

You heard yourself?

How dare you.

Did you know that men who are constantly accused

of cheating are 45% more likely to do so

if their wives don't stop going on about it?

- Bullshit.

- No, it's not.

I read it.

In Nuts.

And you know what?

I'm starting to understand exactly

where those men are coming from!

- Where are you going?

- Out!

(sad music)

- [Barry] You may be right.

I may be having a crisis.

I'm not bothered about the hair transplant,

but I definitely fancy the sun roof.

- What about the 26-year-old?

- What would I do with a 26-year-old?

- I can't imagine.

- What would we have to talk about for a start?

I'll stop interfering, shall I,

and let you just get on with it,

if you'd rather me go for the leather?

- Thanks, love.

- I really didn't mean to go on about it,

but you know what I'm like when I dig my heels in.

- There's nothing wrong with being assertive.

A woman likes a man to be a man.

But she also likes him to dress smart

when they go on a coach trip together.

Just remember that next time.

(gentle music)

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too.

- On a scale of one to 10, I think you're a 20.

- Ah.

Do you?

- Fancy a chocolate?

- Fancy a shag?

- Works every time. (laughs)

- Oh! (laughs)

(upbeat music)

- All right, babes?

- Yeah, you?

- Good, thanks.

What?

- Nothing.

- Sorry, late.

(sad music)

- Well, what did he get ya?

Oh, no.

Do you want to talk about it?

- Do I look like I want to talk about it?

- Sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

It's not your fault.

Right, lady, let's start choosing you some dates.

- Actually, Lisa, I've been thinking about all this.

- What now?

- I just don't think it's really my thing.

- You're 19.

How can picking fit fellas not be your thing?

- Morning, ladies.

Working hard or hardly workin', hmm? (giggles)

Dare I ask?

(tongue clucks)

(Denise sighs)

- No one else compares, do they?

- What?

- To him.

- That's why you can't go on a date

with any of those gorgeous men

without picking at them, isn't it?

- He's the only man I've ever loved, Lisa.

It actually hurts, you know, when I think about him.

Right here in my belly.

- Do you really think you're the first one he's ever had?

Don't you think he just might have

another one at the Liverpool branch?

Or that trollop from the Chester office?

The one that fell down the stairs

at the regional Christmas do,

the one with the eyebrows?

- Just 'cause Dan's forgotten your anniversary

doesn't mean you can take it out on me.

(upbeat music)

- I'll take that too.

- Right, you.

This is a man hunt.

Fireman, 28.

- Name?

- Herbert. - Forget it.

- Peter, 32, gynaecologist.

- Rule of thumb: never date a man that's seen 1,000 fannies.

- Mm, she's right.

- My taxi's here.

Talia, my car isn't gonna be ready til the morning,

so when you've done that, can you nip into town,

pick up my dry cleaning?

The ticket's on the pin board in the kitchen.

- Legal slavery this is.

I should write to Anne Robinson.

- Oh, this one's nice.

Jack, 30, accountant.

- Accountant?

Tight-fisted.

I wanna be made to feel special, Lisa.

Will you just stop it?

How the hell are you ever gonna find a man

behaving like this all the time, you fussy cow?

- She's particular, not fussy.

- Thank you, Shelley.

- It's only a date.

- You don't understand.

It's embarrassing, you know, just sitting

in a restaurant waiting for him to come through the door,

pleading with God he likes Katy Perry

and not Kings of friggin' Leon!

- I just want you to give him a chance, the poor bloke.

- Tell you what, you're so sure, you go and meet him.

- [Shelley] Excuse me, she's married.

- Only to Dan, though.

- Talia, dry cleaning.

- Communism is exploitation of the strong

by the weak, by the way, in case you're ever asked.

- Dan won't mind.

He won't even know.

And he did forget your anniversary.

- True, bastard.

- You could try him out for me.

You'll soon see what it's like.

If it's okay, then I'll take over.

(horn honking)

- All right, all right, I'm coming.

- Bet you any money you hate it, hate him.

(upbeat music)

- Hi.

Oh, that, um, the heating's not on.

Won't you get cold?

- I am going home, Dan.

Greg's on his way to come and pick me up.

- Smashing.

Where's Lisa?

- Uh, ooh, meeting.

She won't be long.

Just doing a demo for a bunch of BT drones.

Cheers.

- Right.

Find out his salary, his car,

where he holidays, his upbringing.

Whether he's a perv.

- Wish me luck.

- Denise?

- Yes.

- It's Jack.

- Thought so.

- Uh, sorry, bag of nerves.

- Oh, no need to apologize.

- You look stunning.

- Fuck off!

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Stunning?

You're being silly.

- I'm not.

You do.

You are.

- Thanks.

Is this okay?

Chardonnay?

- Favorite, actually.

- Mine too.

Blimey.

- So, what about me?

Will I do?

- Yeah, course.

Ish.

I'd get rid of.

It's all a bit '70s catalog model.

- You're joking?

- No, really.

Lose it.

Did you come on the bus?

- No, I've got a car.

- Really?

- Yeah, really.

- Is it a 4x4?

- Yes.

- Oh!

I got a taxi.

- Nice.

- You know, us women are quite easy to please.

Bit of charm, nice flowers.

- I thought they'd be a good move.

- What?

- Oh, don't start.

He just needed a hand.

You know the score.

- So they are practically from you?

(horn honks)

- Here's Greg!

Thank fuck for that.

- Hiya, gorgeous.

Yes!

(sultry music)

- Did you have anything nice for your tea tonight?

- Salmon.

- Oh, very posh.

I like salmon.

Got minds of their own, haven't they?

You must be very independent if you like seafood.

- You have to be independent if you're single.

- Can I ask you something personal?

- Go on, then.

- You're not kinky, are you?

- What?

- You're not into any of that dodgy stuff?

You know, belts round necks,

shoving an orange in your mouth,

for that matter, or a mixture of the two, even?

Imagine that.

- I think I better go.

- Oh.

No, please don't go.

I didn't mean to offend, honest.

I don't normally do this sort of thing.

It's really hard knowing what to ask first, isn't it?

- Oh, God.

I know.

- I'm sorry.

I'm not very good at this, am I?

Maybe I should go.

You stay.

Enjoy the wine.

- Don't worry.

Stay.

Look, just try and relax,

and let's just have a laugh, shall we?

- (laughs) A laugh, right.

That'd be lovely.

What does your mom do, Jack?

- Sorry?

- Does she work?

Is she a professional?

- No, she's dead.

- Oh, bugger.

How?

- Suicide.

- What about your dad?

- [Jack] What about him?

- Is he dead?

- No.

- Oh, good.

Is he a professional?

- No, he's a paraplegic.

- My first Saturday job was working with paraplegics,

and, underneath, they're actually very nice people.

(Jack laughs)

What?

- I'm sorry.

I'm winding you up.

- Oh!

(both laugh)

My husband does that to me all the time!

Ha, ha, got you!

Oh, you're lovely, you are.

- Hello.

Lisa?

- Kate!

Hi.

- Well, aren't you going to introduce me?

- Jack, Kate.

Kate, Jack.

Kate's an old friend.

We used to hang out at the pub together, the Dog & Dart.

Do you know it, Jack?

- Can't say I do.

- Nice to meet you, Jack.

So how do you two know each other?

- Old mates.

We go way back.

- We used to work together.

- Looking after paraplegics.

- How nice.

- I'm so sorry, Kate.

I'm running late.

It's lovely to see you.

And you, Jack.

Right, go and explain, will you?

I'm in enough trouble as it is!

(gentle music)

I'm so sorry!

I just assumed you'd forgot.

Who told you it was tin?

- What? - The vase!

Brilliant!

It was my mom.

It was my mom, wasn't it?

- Uh-- - Shh!

Don't say a word.

Come on. (laughs)

(cheerful music)

- [Bianca] Hi, Sue, hello.

- Spaniel's ears, the minute the bra's off, guarantee it.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa, you're not gonna believe this.

Sue Pollard's following me on Twitter!

- Oh?

- You having a coffee, Sue?

- Yeah, why not?

Let's go wild.

- Yo, kids!

Hey, what's crackalackin'?

- [Dan] Hm, nice jacket, Bazza.

- Ooh, and who's that great hunk of spunk next door?

You kept that quiet.

- Mom!

- Bianca's got her claws in already, I noticed.

- Oh, the new neighbor!

I completely forgot.

Trust Skimpy Knickers to get in there first.

Come on, let's go and introduce ourselves.

- Now?

- [Lisa] Yes, now.

- Thank you, love.

- [Lisa] Hello.

- Hi.

(upbeat music)