Original subtitles

Hey, there she comes.

Oh, I dig that crazy police escort.

It's the first time I've seen the cops in front of her, instead of chasing her.

- Hi there, Lola! - How are you, Lola?

Lola! Tell us about your trip, Lola.

How long you gonna be gone, Lola?

Come on, Lola, give us a bit of a story, will you, please?

- Right this way, Lola. - Hold it there.

- Why did you decide to go to Japan? - Hold it, please, for one more.

Well, let them to get their pictures first, shall we?

- Yeah, certainly. - Hold it. Hold it. Thank you.

- Right this way, Lola. - Hold it here, please. Thank you.

What about your TV show, Lola?

My TV show? Well... One at a time, fellows. Just one more?

Please, Lola. Would you please tell us why you decided to go to Japan?

Well, I decided to go on this USO tour, because my picture's been postponed

for a month until my leading man gets over his hangover.

And about that television show?

My television show? I lost my sponsor.

They didn't think I was the type to narrate fairy tales to the kiddies.

So I decided to go on this USO tour and entertain the soldier boys.

You mean Lola Livingston gets the patriotic urge?

Well, my urge is always patriotic.

Well, you feel you're going to boost their morale?

Well, I ain't gonna hurt it, buster.

That's it. Hold it right there, please? That's the one. Thank you.

- Miss Livingston? - Yes?

I'm Sergeant Pearson.

On behalf of Major Ridgley, in charge of the entertainment tour,

and on behalf of the United States Department of Defense,

I'd like to welcome you.

I hope we can make your trip as pleasant and comfortable as possible.

Well, thank you very much, Sergeant.

- So long, Lola. - Have a good time, Lola.

So long, fellows, sayonara, and take care of the home front.

You know all these people?

- Major Ridgley? - Yes, Sergeant.

- Miss Livingston's checking in, sir. - It's about time.

- All right. We leave as scheduled. - I don't know, sir.

Three of the other acts haven't arrived yet.

The sword swallower, the fire-eater and the magic act.

A magic act.

- How much is that? - Ninety-five cents.

Here's a dollar. Keep the change.

Thanks, sport.

Wait a minute, buddy. I'm not being cheap.

I'm a magician and I haven't been able to get a booking for almost six months.

I can't even get on daytime TV.

That's the last buck I had.

That's why I took this USO tour. See, I...

I figured maybe I could get lucky in Japan.

Oh, goody. Send me some yen.

"Send me some yen"! Hey, that's pretty funny.

I think I'll put it in the act.

I have no act. That's my rabbit!

My rabbit! That's my bunny. Hold... Stop that...

Harry! Harry! Harry!

Harry!

Harry! Harry!

Harry.

Don't break up the act. Harry.

Oh, Harry.

Harry.

Harry, sweetheart.

You sure are fast, Harry.

And I thought you left me forever and our trip would be over.

Boy, you are fast. You're not even breathing hard.

You're fast, Harry.

United Airlines Flight 534 for Chicago, now loading at Gate 2.

Now, remember, Harry, we're friends and we're buddies,

and we're supposed to stick together,

so you shouldn't try and run away from me.

Harry, please. Harry.

Please don't try and run away from me, because we gotta stick together.

And remember, I told you, when we get to Tokyo,

I'm gonna get you carrots with sukiyaki sauce.

- Gilbert Wooley! - What?

Wanted at the information counter. Gilbert Wooley!

Wanted at the information counter.

Take it easy and rest, Harry. Nice.

Oh, Harry. Let go of the belt, Harry. Here, just rest.

Yes, sir. I understand.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

I'm sorry, Miss Livingston, but that's Major Ridgley's rule.

- No pets allowed. - But, please, Sergeant.

But, Miss Livingston, a rule's a rule.

But he's such a darling and he wouldn't cause any trouble.

He's so well behaved and he never makes any kind of noise.

Never barks.

What is it, darling? What is it?

- Are you annoying my dog? - Me?

Miss Livingston, I'm afraid your dog is much too nervous.

Nervous? Why, he's not nervous. It's him. He's scaring my dog.

Why, look at that face. He'd scare anyone.

Me? Hey, just a minute, Miss Livingston.

I know you're a big star and all that, and I...

I'm just a small-time act, but,

well, that doesn't give you the right to make fun of me.

I'm sorry, Miss Livingston, but you'll have to leave your dog here.

- Here. Take him home. - Yes, Miss Livingston.

- Have a nice trip. - I doubt it.

I do that in the act.

I'm a magician, and it's a novel kind of an act.

I play the part of the rabbit, too. The magician and the rabbit.

I pull myself out of the hat.

I pull myself... You know?

- Mr Wooley? - Oh, yes? Yes, Sergeant.

- Are you all right, Mr Wooley? - Oh, yes, ma'am, thank you. I'm fine.

- It's time to take your seat. - Take my seat, yes. Thank you.

This way, Mr Wooley.

Will you fasten your seat belt, please?

Seat belts, please.

Well, he seems like a sweet boy, but he must be a vegetarian.

He had a carrot salad for lunch, a carrot salad for dinner,

and then, after the carrot salad he had for dinner,

he had a carrot salad for dessert.

Now he wants a carrot salad for a midnight snack.

Well, maybe he's trying to become a rabbit.

Well, I'm going up front.

- Good night, Sergeant. - Good night, Major.

Thank you very much.

You're sure you still want it that way, no oil, no vinegar, no dressing, nothing?

No, nothing. That's fine. Thank you.

- Do you mind if I eat with you? - Not at all. Go right ahead.

No, thanks. I'll bring something for myself.

Oh, all right.

Could you help me with this tray, please?

Oh, sure.

There you are.

- I'm sorry. You have to sit down first. - Yeah.

You brought yourself a little snack, huh?

No, this is my dinner. I was too busy to eat at dinnertime.

You know, I've never met a real magician before.

Really?

That makes us even. I never met a real WAF before.

Well, why don't you eat? You said you were starving.

- Oh, yes. I sure am. - Then dig in.

Yeah.

You must have wonderful eyesight, eating all those carrots.

Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. I have a real good set of eyes.

Yeah. I see very good from eating carrots.

I see so good that I can tell you, right from looking here,

without the help of glasses or anything, as I look down, I see carrots.

I can see that. Yeah. Yes, sirree. Lots of carrots.

- Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like some? - No, thank you.

I have this big New York cut to eat.

Yeah. I can see that.

- Oh, Mr Wooley, I'm sorry. - You are?

Well, this food I'm eating must be disgusting to a vegetarian like you.

Yeah.

You mean the New York cut steak

with the smothered onions and all the mushrooms.

And the pie � la mode.

What kind of � la mode is that dessert?

I mean, I'm just curious.

I shouldn't tell you. I'm making you sick.

Oh, well, so I'll be a little sicker.

It's just curious. I... You know, I like to know.

Sometimes I get frustrated until I know, when I want to know...

What is that, really?

It's tutti-frutti.

Tutti-frutti?

Look, let's not talk about this.

Let's talk about something else instead of the disgusting food I'm eating.

Why don't you just eat your salad?

I don't mind discussing the disgusting food you're eating.

Let's talk about you.

It must be wonderful being a magician,

doing all kinds of wonderful magic tricks.

Yeah. I sure wish I could do one right now.

I bet you're a wonderful magician.

Do you saw women in half and things like that?

No, I like women.

And I would never saw one in half.

I wouldn't know which part to throw away.

Saw it in half, not know which half to give away!

Tutti-frutti.

I'll wake up everybody.

- Oh, Sergeant. - Yes, Miss Livingston?

- Do you have any sleeping pills? - Oh, yes.

That fool magician fixed it so that I couldn't bring my French poodle along,

and I'm not used to sleeping alone, without my poodle.

I understand.

Harry.

Yeah, it's me, boy. Where are you?

Just relax, sweetheart. I'm coming.

I'm sorry I had to hide you like this, Harry,

but you're not supposed to be on the plane,

and I had to wait until everybody was asleep,

so they don't see you.

Hiya, boy. Come on, Harry.

Harry?

Harry, stop fooling around.

You son of a gun.

I don't know how he does it, this Harry.

I don't know how he does it. One minute he's here and one minute...

Harry. Harry!

Stop kidding around.

I don't know how you do it, Harry.

Son of a gun. Come on, sweetheart.

Careful. Did you miss me? Did you?

Come on, like the Eskimos do.

Come on, like the Eskimos do.

Nice kiss.

I missed you too, Harry.

I've got something for you. Just relax. Here, look what I got.

Don't say nothing. Harry, here.

Come on. Come on. Come on, nice boy.

It's good. It's good. Very good.

You'll never wear glasses. Yes, sweetheart.

You're hungry, aren't you, Harry?

All right. Well, there's more where this came from.

Just relax. Relax. I got this.

Here, get in, now. Here, look what I got for my boy.

Look what I got, Harry.

Here's some more carrots.

Chew, chew, that's it. Don't be greedy. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, Harry. Something's tickling.

Harry? Harry?

Harry! Harry!

Harry! Nice carrot. Yum, yum, yummy. Carrot.

Come on, Harry. Harry!

Yummy, yummy.

Harry.

Harry, you come here!

Harry.

- Harry. - I'm Harry.

Harry.

Harry. Harry.

Harry. Harry. Harry.

I know your teeth.

Get off the hat!

Harry, get off the hat!

What are you eating?

Cherries? Harry, not cherries.

Harry, you'll swallow a pit. You'll have a ball grow in your stomach.

You won't be able to get out of the hat. You'll be a fat...

Don't chew cherries!

Carrots. I got carrots back there. Harry.

Harry. Harry.

Harry.

Harry. Get out of there.

Harry.

Harry.

Harry. Harry.

Harry.

Hold still.

Harry.

- Get me out of here! - The Major!

- Will you get out of here? - I can't! I can't get out! I'm stuck!

Get me out of here! Get me out of here!

- Can I help you, Major? - Will you get him out of here?

- Get that thing out from behind me! - Yes, sir.

- Come on! - I can't move it, Major. It's stuck.

Well, do something! Get me out of here!

All right! Wait a minute!

Get me out of here!

Boy, this is exciting. I never took a trip like this before.

It's been quite a trip. Last night, for instance?

Last night? What about last night?

I never would have thought a fine man like Major Ridgley

would make a pass at Lola Livingston, would you?

I don't think he did.

Well, Lola sure thought so.

Good afternoon, Major.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

It's ground.

Would you like to see a trick?

I got it right here. I don't have to go and get it.

This is one of the big tricks I do in the act.

Watch the rope, and watch that the hand is quicker than the eye.

No knot.

If you go into this pocket. There it is.

Say, what hotel are we staying at in Tokyo?

The Hotel Oya, and stop trying to change the subject.

Now, what do you think the Major's wife and family are gonna think

when they hear about him and Lola?

He has a wife and family?

- And when I think about the Pentagon. - The Pentagon?

Why, he'll be busted out of the service.

They'll rip his medals off. Drums will roll.

They'll cut his buttons off with a sharp sword.

- They will? - Why, he'll lose his pension.

They'll cancel his military funeral.

It's such a shame, because the Major just loves the sound of Taps.

They wouldn't do that.

- You know what else will happen? - Don't tell me. It's too awful.

Well, Hollywood will make a movie of his life

in VistaVision and Technicolor.

I can see it now. The Oversexed Major.

Well, I'm oversexed... I mean...

The Major... Well, it wasn't his fault.

- It was my fault, Sergeant Pearson. - Yes, I know.

I found some carrots in the cargo hold.

- Besides, your friend is a noisy eater. - You know about Harry?

Don't saying nothing to anybody, will you, please?

They didn't want... They don't allow...

Without Harry, I ain't got an act, see.

I know, but don't you think you ought to explain it to Miss Livingston

before she talks to the reporters, so she won't ruin the Major's reputation?

Oh, yes, I will. I'll do that.

Gee, that's terrible. The Oversexed Major.

Besides, soldiers can't be sexy.

Not with the food the Army gives them to eat.

Sorry, I don't understand Japanese, but take it easy.

My interpreter will be here.

She's here now.

I am sorry to be delayed, Colonel,

but I had no place where I could leave my nephew.

My father was busy today.

- You said it was extremely important. - It is.

Lola Livingston's on that plane.

Something happened on board last night

that could be very embarrassing to the Defense Department.

- Miss Livingston, I want... - Beat it, crumb.

But I just wanted to explain. You see...

They're taking my picture. Scram.

Well, you don't understand, Miss Livingston.

You see, all I wanted to do was apologise to you.

Will you get out of here? If you don't, I'm gonna...

Well, yes, all right. Oh, wait. My foot.

- My foot is stuck. Wait a minute. - Get out of here, or I'll crown you!

All right. My arm. Wait, wait, wait. Here, let me cover you.

You idiot, you're making a fool of me.

What are you hitting? I'm helping. I'm helping.

- What are you doing? - I'm only helping. Let me help.

I'm helping! Wait!

I'm sorry, Miss Livingston. Here, let me help you up.

I'm awfully sorry. Here, let me cover you up.

Get me out of here!

Harry. How do you feel?

Harry, I said, how do you feel? Any better?

Well, it's your own fault.

You had to go eat those artificial cherries off the fat lady's hat.

And me starving myself so I could bring you all those carrots.

Besides, you gotta watch your diet, Harry.

If you get too fat, you're not gonna be able to get out of the hat.

Excuse me, I'll be right back. Just rest.

Yes?

Mr Wooley, I hope that you will pardon our intrusion.

I am Kimi Sikita and this is Mitsuo Watanabe, my nephew.

How do you do? I'm very glad to know you.

- What can I do for you? - It is not what you can do, Mr Wooley.

I have come to thank you for what you have already done.

What I've done?

I remember you two.

You were at the airport when I landed there today.

Yes.

I helped unroll Miss Livingston out of the red carpet

when the military police took you away.

Well, everything's straightened out with the Army now.

What's the matter, Miss Sikita? You're crying.

Oh, Mr Wooley, how can I ever repay you?

Repay me? For what?

Well, come in, won't you, Miss Sikita, Mitsvah Watanabble?

Tell the Great Ichiyama. Huh?

It is me, Osakawa, the private eye who calls, please.

Who is it you say you are, please?

Osakawa, the private eye.

Osakawa. I'll talk to him. He has been following my woman.

So, Osakawa.

And after his parents were lost in that terrible accident,

he was never the same.

He has never smiled, he has never known laughter until today.

You, Mr Wooley, have brought first joy to the heart of the little boy.

I am your most humble servant.

Poor kid. No parents. Just like me. I lost my parents, too.

I was brought up by my Aunt Hazel in Glendale, California.

She was a nice aunt.

But she was certainly not as pretty as his aunt, which is you.

I am most unworthy of your compliment, Mr Wooley.

The heck you aren't. You're beautiful.

I can understand now why Marlon Brando dug this place.

Thank you.

That's nice to hear,

but my intended would not like to hear it.

- Your intended? - The Great Ichiyama,

the man I will someday marry.

It was arranged by our families.

The Great Ichiyama is a very famous baseball pitcher in Japan

and he is very jealous of me.

He is very tall and very strong.

His stomach measures around middle, over 60 inches.

- Sixty? - He has much courage.

Yeah, he sounds like he's got a lot of guts.

Well, it sure was swell meeting you both.

I have been honoured to visit you, Mr Wooley.

Well, thank you very much, Miss Kimi, and it was very nice meeting you,

Mitsvah Watanibble.

And would you tell him, please, that I would like to be his friend

and that I'll come and see him before I go back to America?

He said he loves you, Mr Wooley,

and will you do him the honour to be his father?

I wish I were your father.

Mr Wooley, I told him that you said you loved him too,

because that is what he wanted to hear.

Please forgive me for lying.

I don't know that you were lying.

He said he loves you because you are a great man

to come from so far to give happiness to the soldiers.

I wish that was the reason.

But don't tell him I took the job

because I needed the money,

and because I couldn't get a job stateside.

He bows nice.

Pretty nice. The little boy was nice and cute.

There's nothing wrong with the aunt either, huh?

I'd like to chop chopsticks with her anytime.

Well. Hey!

Harry, you watch me, 'cause I'm gonna rehearse a little bit.

We have to work for the Gls tomorrow, and these fellows are not easy to fool.

Pretty good, Harry? Laugh it up, applaud, something.

My greatest illusion.

I will produce before your very eyes, ladies and gentlemen,

a full-grown, genuine, 100% pure genie.

We do it with this genie-producing magic powder.

We place in the fuse.

I wonder if I can do it this time. It's never worked before.

Well, we'll try.

Harry. Harry.

Harry.

Harry? You have no confidence in me, you fink?

Root me on, boy. Say, "Go get 'em."

"Build that genie. Make yourself a..."

"That's it. You gotta go, boy! And say, 'Go get 'em."'

You watch it!

For the first time in my life, we will produce a genie.

Pure, 100%.

Harry! Harry, it worked! Look!

Harry, look, he's here. Genie!

I'm the greatest magician in the whole world, Harry.

I'm the greatest magician in the whole universe.

There's two of them.

Harry, two genies, a king-size and a regular.

I'm awfully glad my trick finally worked.

Hello, Genie.

I am not Genie!

I am the Great Ichiyama.

Oh, yeah. That's your name. Sure.

You see, oh, you... You're Ichiyama. Well, I'm very...

Ichiyama?

- What were you doing with my Kimi? - Nothing.

Don't get... Don't hurt your...

I didn't do nothing. Wait, I was talking, that's all.

You know, little boy...

- What were you doing with my Kimi? - Nothing.

I was talking, you know.

Mitsvah Watanabble, the little... The little...

I was just talking.

Harry! Harry! I lost my rabbit. Harry?

Harry, baby! Harry! What, are you crazy?

Come here, Harry!

Harry! Harry! Harry, will you stop fooling?

That's the fastest rabbit. Harry, will you come back here?

I'm sorry, Miss Livingston.

What are you doing here? What do you want?

- Get out of here! - I'll get out as soon as I get my...

Swim, baby! Harry. Here, baby.

One second.

Nice. Harry, you're wet.

- Will you get out of here? - You better get out of here.

There's gonna be a pretty good splash any second.

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Now you listen to me, Wooley, and listen good!

Personally, I don't think you are an entertainer!

No entertainer ever caused us the trouble that you have!

Not even the out-of-work TV comedians!

I think you must have been sent over here by the enemy

to destroy our relations with the Japanese

and undo all the work that's been done

by the Republicans!

And, mind you,

I'm not including you pushing me into Miss Livingston's bed!

Or you ripping her dress off!

Or you secreting that rabbit aboard the plane!

Setting off an explosion in your hotel room

that endangered the life of one of Japan's greatest baseball heroes!

But evidently that wasn't enough!

You wanted to drown the man, so you flooded a bathhouse!

And you flooded a whole city street!

Have you...

Have you got any idea what this is gonna cost the Defense Department?

Well, I'll be glad to pay for everything, Major Ridgley.

How?

By your own admission, you're only here

because you couldn't get a job stateside!

Well, I can pay for everything, Major,

with the money I earn entertaining the soldiers.

You're not gonna entertain any troops.

Miss Livingston doesn't want you along. And I don't blame her!

I'm not gonna entertain the troops? Now, wait a minute, Major Ridgley.

I'll admit that I came over here

just because I wanted to pick up a couple of bucks,

but that's not the reason any more, sir.

I wanna entertain the soldiers.

Really, I do, and I don't care whether you pay me or not.

I've just gotta do this. It's awfully important to me.

What brought on this sudden astonishing change of heart?

A little boy.

A little boy who thinks I'm something.

He thinks I'm something special.

This is the first time in my life that anybody thought I was something.

And I sure would love to prove to him that he's right.

I gotta go on that tour, Major.

Well, you're not going! Now, get out!

- Wooley! - Yes, sir.

Hand in your equipment!

- My equipment? - You heard me! Your USO button.

And your dog tags.

Dog tags?

I was saving them for my dog.

And your USO whistle.

Anything at all, Major, but not my whistle.

Now, your whistle is government property

just the same as all the rest of your equipment.

Now, hand it over!

Not the whistle.

My favourite piece of equipment.

- Major? - What is it?

Well, I was just thinking.

I mean, here, you know, it's yours. I'm gonna give it to you.

But could I... Do you think maybe...

Could I just one more time?

- Well, all right. - Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot, Maj.

Oh, Mr Wooley.

I heard what happened last night.

- I'm terribly sorry. - That's all right. I...

I can't blame your boyfriend for being jealous.

I told my father of his actions.

My father became very angry.

Now it is over between Ichiyama and myself.

Someday I hope to meet a fine man like you, Mr Wooley.

Well, thank you, Kimi.

Well, good morning, Mitsuo.

What did he say?

He said, "Good morning to you, my honourable father."

Come here, Mitsuo.

Your honourable father is a honourable jerk

who just got a dishonourable discharge and they're sending me home.

It can't be.

Last night, Mitsuo went to the shrine and prayed for you.

He prayed that you would always be with him.

Mr Wooley. May I see you a moment, please?

- Will you excuse me? - Of course.

Excuse me.

Yes, Sergeant Pearson?

- What's this? - Major Ridgley changed his mind.

He isn't sending you back.

He's not? You mean I'm gonna go on the tour?

Well, you're not gonna go on the tour with Miss Livingston

and the other performers. You're gonna take out your own tour.

I'm gonna take out my own... I'm gonna headline my own tour!

I'm gonna headline... I'm gonna headline my own...

You know, it was the prayers, that's what it was. The prayers.

He prayed for me and they heard him. And my own, too.

I'm gonna head...

They heard the prayers.

That little boy prayed.

They heard Mitsuo. I don't have to go. I can stay and I can see him again.

Wait here, Harry.

Excuse me, do you know where Kimi Sikita's house is?

We don't understand each other and the subtitles are all mixed up.

We're a big destroyer.

Swim, swimming. Swimming all the time.

Mitsuo has told his friends about you. They are here to meet you now.

- I hope I don't disappoint them. - I am sure you will not.

I'd disappoint anyone in these trunks you loaned me.

Those are Ichiyama's. He forgot them when he was last here.

He can have them back.

Where are Mitsy's friends?

They will come over there by the pavilion.

Harry! Harry, don't stay out there too long.

Be careful. You could get sunburnt.

Next, watch that we have liquid.

In the glass the liquid should go.

Watch closely. Placing liquid in box.

Yeah, mashite, in the box.

And we will turn box and put down and find still liquid.

Next, we have card trick.

Watch closely, please.

Will you pick a card, if you don't mind. Any card at all.

Any card. That's fine. Any card at all. What card is it?

Which is the undes, hearts, three.

Placing inside. Looking closely at card. Coming out. No card.

Where can be card?

We will find out in just one moment.

Tell them it's not me. The lousy gun got stuck.

Yeah, it happens sometimes.

But tell them it's not the act. I just got this all...

- What'd he say? - He said,

"If the honourable American will allow me."

Certainly. Sure.

Give me the gun. Wiseacre.

Coming in and lousing up the act.

Do I go where you work and louse you up?

You try this again and you're gonna wind up with a new set of teeth.

If you would practise more, you could do better.

Get out of here!

"Practise more, you could do better."

Three of hearts. It's a good trick.

You know what I'm gonna do the minute the plane lands?

No plane can land where you're going. It's too muddy in the rainy season.

Muddy? Rainy season?

- Where am I going? - To Korea.

You see, there are these military outposts along the Communist line.

The boys can't get any entertainment, so you'll be doing a lot for their morale.

Along the Communist line?

You mean with bullets? Shooting? Real guns?

I know what this is! It's the Major! He's getting even with me.

I'm too yellow to die.

You know what'll happen if the commies catch me?

I'll be a prisoner and they'll wash my brain!

I don't think there's much chance of that.

Don't blame the Major. It wasn't his idea.

No?

Well, pray tell, whose idea was it?

The Major didn't change his mind. It was me.

I suggested he send you to Korea.

Don't take my part. What are you helping me for?

Don't take my part. What are you helping me for?

I was very touched when I heard how you felt about the little boy.

I thought you should have a chance to prove yourself.

That was before I knew it was his aunt you were stuck on.

- Who's stuck on what aunt? - You are.

I saw the way you looked at her.

You know, you're no vegetarian.

Will you tell me one thing?

What is it you see in these girls?

What is the big difference between American girls and Oriental girls?

What are you so steamed about?

Who's steamed? Come on, your plane is waiting.

Good day, sir.

The Defense Department of the United States

would like you to know that you heroic fighting men have not been forgotten.

And the taxpayers at home are thinking about you, too.

So, believe it or not, entertainment has come to you.

Sit back and be regaled by some of the great illusions

and feats of legerdemain, performed for you,

and you alone, by the Great Wooley.

A little music accompaniment and we shall begin.

Turn that off. You want the enemy to get my range?

As you gentlemen can see, nothing at all in the hat.

Nothing in the hat, except water.

Harry? Harry.

Oh, Harry.

The United States Defense Department brings to you the Great Wooley.

My first trick, my first illusion, the first feat of legerdemain,

is one of the truly great tricks of all time.

If you will notice, this is merely a hat.

An opera hat, some people call it. That is, the people that go to the opera.

Now, there is nothing in this hat whatsoever, do you notice?

Nothing in the hat. Many of my friends say

there's nothing in the hat when I'm wearing the hat.

We place the hat on the table.

I'm putting my hand into the hat

and out comes a real, live, for-heaven's-sakes bunny.

What are you looking at the bunny?

You look hungry. You got stuff in the can.

So, get back in the hat, Harry, you idiot. You wanna go get chewed up?

Well, it was certainly dandy entertaining you.

Mitsuo.

- I think I know where he is, Father. - Tell him it is time to go to bed.

Yes, Father.

Please take care of my friend and partner, Harry.

And take care of my Aunt Hazel.

And take care of my agent.

And please take care of Mitsuo Watanabe and Kimi Sikita.

And please, please help the helicopter find us tomorrow,

because I want to get back and see them all. Amen.

Mr Wooley! Mr Wooley!

Mr Wooley! Mr Wooley!

Wooley! Mr Wooley!

Welcome back, Mr Wooley. We have missed you.

I can't tell you how I've missed you.

It sure is wonderful seeing someone who doesn't need a shave.

I would like you to meet my father, Mr Wooley.

I would like very much to meet your father.

Father, Mr Wooley is here.

This is your father?

Yes, he is building a little bridge to amuse Mitsuo.

I have heard so much about you, Mr Wooley.

- Welcome to my house. - Thank you, sir.

You have done so much for my grandchild.

My daughter and I had despaired.

We could do nothing to bring him joy.

Even that little bridge I am building for him.

Now I know it's a waste of time.

Only you can make him happy.

Well, thank you very much, sir. It's a very beautiful bridge, too.

You know, you kind of remind me of...

- Of that actor. - The actor, yes.

Oh, yes.

Many people think so,

but I was building bridges long before him.

Come, we shall have tea, huh?

Mitsuo has planned everything himself.

He wants to show you all the interesting places in Japan.

It will be a wonderful trip, Mr Wooley.

Oh, yes, that's very nice, Kimi, but I'm gonna have to be going home soon.

Why must you go back, Mr Wooley?

You can stay here with us and continue to bring joy to my grandson.

Well, thank you, sir, but you see I just received a letter

from my agent and he said that they want me to appear

at the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas.

That is wonderful, Mr Wooley.

At last you have been recognised as a great magician.

Well, not exactly, Kimi.

I'm famous at home, but not for being a great magician.

My grandson remembers.

That was the day he began to live again.

That was the day I almost stopped living.

Well, shall we go into the garden?

Do you not wish to go into garden, Mr Wooley?

Oh, yes, Kimi, I do wish to go into garden,

except that I've been sitting on my feet so long that I...

I think I spoiled the set.

The whole set of feet. I ruined my feet.

Oh, yeah. I don't think I'm ever gonna use these feet again.

They're... I bent them.

Well, at least Mitsuo and I, when we go on the trip...

I'll be saving shoe leather, because I'll never use these.

No wonder the Japanese men are so clean.

All the women walk around looking like Brigitte Bardot.

Come on, Gil! Hodges, attaway. Gil Hodges, first base.

First base, Gil Hodges. Attaway.

Pee Wee. Pee Wee Reese, shortstop.

Know them all. Know them all. Pee Wee.

Good boy, baby. Charlie Neal, second. Charlie! Attaway, babe!

Charlie Neal, second base.

Third base, Junior Gilliam. Jim Gilliam, third base.

He's thrilled with this. Jim! Attaway, babe!

Left field, Gino Cimoli. Love you, baby. See you, hon.

Gino Cimoli, left field.

We must come here again early tomorrow.

Right field. Carlie Furillo. Attaway, babe.

Heads up ball. Heads up all the way.

Duke Snider. Duke Snider, centre field. Duke Snider!

Centre field. Attaway, babe.

Carl Erskine on the mound.

Really big ball in there, Carlie.

Catching, Johnny Roseboro.

Know them all by name. All the... Yeah.

And we have a tied ballgame.

Los Angeles Dodgers five, Tonichi five,

and here we are at the bottom of the eighth inning.

Cimoli had the ball but dropped it, and the runner is safe at first.

And now batting for Tonichi, Tag Taguchi!

That's all right. It's only one of them. Only one of them.

You're way ahead of him, Carlie.

And now, batting for Tonichi, is the Great Ichiyama.

He's great as a pitcher, but we're not too thrilled about his hitting.

Carl, we got them now, Carl baby!

No batter there! No batter with Ichi.

Get him! Get him! Get him!

Ichiyama is caught off third.

Yes, sir, folks, Ichiyama is in a pickle.

That's it, that's it! No, no, back, back, back!

Get him, get him, get him! You got it!

That's it. Three-way! You're out!

And the Tonichi team takes the field for the top of the ninth inning.

Come on, Gil! Lay it back in LA! Right out of the park!

The American spectator is really getting to the Great Ichiyama.

Where'd you learn how to pitch, Ich?

Hey, Ich!

That'll rattle him.

It looks like the Great Ichiyama is going to throw

his famous Nipponese sideways curve ball.

No one in there. No pitcher there.

Hey, Mits, I'm pooped. I've seen everything there is to see.

Why don't we go home?

I'm tired and I'm not as young as you are.

Besides, my teeth are loose.

- Geisha. - Yeah, I know what "geisha" means.

Geishas are girls and they are trained to entertain tired Japanese businessmen.

Tired I am. Japanese I'm not.

And a businessman I ain't either.

And a businessman I ain't either.

- Geisha. - Nothing doing.

Not after being in that hot bathhouse

with all those girls running around without clothes.

Now you want to take me into a geisha house.

Are you sure you're only six years old?

What?

They serve food in here? Why didn't you say so?

I'm starved to death. Let's go inside and we'll eat something.

I'm hungry enough I don't care if they serve salad without dressing.

Goodbye, little fellow.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

What are you doing here?

I see. You packed your bag

and you thought you were gonna go with me, huh?

Well, you're not going.

Now, where's Kimi?

She's asleep, huh? Where's your grandfather?

Your grandfather, the bridge builder?

Grandfather.

He's sleeping, too. Well, that's what you should be doing.

Sleeping!

Now go home. You, home. Go home. You sleep, too.

All right, Harry, relax. I'm sorry. I sat on Harry.

Mitsuo, let me explain something. You cannot go with me.

Do you understand?

Mitsy, don't make it more difficult for me than it is.

I would like you to... I can't take you with me.

Now go home.

Here.

Now. Now, march.

Mitsy, I told you to go home. I can't take you with me.

Now, don't start that again!

Before you know it, we're gonna be hugging and kissing again.

With squeezing and affection and loving and...

I just want you to stop it and go home.

One of us has to be strong. Don't you understand?

I hate to do this.

This is gonna hurt.

But I gotta.

Will you get out of here?

Vamoose! Scram! Go on! I don't wanna see your face any more!

Go on, get!

Go home!

I don't like you any more!

I don't want you any more!

You're not my son any more!

Now, go! Go!

Mr Wooley.

And stop Wooleying me! Go on! Get out of here!

Mr Wooley, Mitsuo Watanabe love you.

Well, I don't love you!

And I don't like that stupid photograph either!

Mr Wooley! Mr Wooley!

Hi, Mr Wooley.

- Mr Wooley. - Yeah?

How about some sandwiches and coffee now?

No, thank you.

You haven't eaten a thing this entire trip.

I'm not very hungry. Thank you, anyhow.

In case you change your mind.

- Mr Wooley? - Yeah?

I'd like to apologise for the way I acted on the field that day.

- That's all right. - No, it wasn't.

I want to explain.

You see, there was this boy in the Air Force that I was very fond of.

And I lost him to a Japanese girl.

So, I guess I'm very touchy as far as Orientals are concerned.

Yeah, they're wonderful people.

Especially when they're about six, going on seven.

Believe me, the next man I meet I'm gonna forget that so-called

American-emancipated-woman type of independence

and treat him just the way the girls in Japan do.

Good luck.

- One more thing. - Yes?

Don't throw your chairs away.

That sitting on the floor is murder.

Well, you sure changed your mind and ate those in a hurry.

I'll get you some more hot coffee.

Yes, I got it. I'll get it to Major Ridgley right away.

Mike, get this down to Major Ridgley in the MATS plane.

Yes, sir.

Goodbye.

So long.

- Goodbye. You did a great job. - Goodbye.

Goodbye. Good luck.

Major Ridgley, this message just came. It's urgent.

Thanks.

- Where's Wooley? - He just left, Major. Why?

- Is something wrong? - Something wrong?

Why, now that woolly-headed idiot has kidnapped a Japanese boy!

He wouldn't do that.

This sure is a heavy trunk, boss.

I just have a rabbit in there.

Man, that sure must be a bundle of bunny.

And I thought I was finally rid of that guy.

Porter, you see a man with a big trunk labelled "The Great Wooley"?

- Yes, he had a big fatso rabbit in it. - That's it. Where did he go?

He just left in that cab, sir.

Follow that red trunk!

I'm going to Glendale. 1647 North Louise Avenue.

Okay, bud.

Take it easy. We'll be home soon enough.

What's the matter? Am I driving too fast?

Oh, no. I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to my rabbit.

Harry, are you all right?

- Hi, Mr Wooley. - Mits!

What are you doing here?

Never mind. I don't care.

Gee, it's good to see you.

Faster! Faster!

They'll never separate us this time, Mitsuo.

Oh, come on. Let's go, Mits.

Harry. Harry. I forgot Harry.

Harry! Come on, Harry.

Wooley, you come back here!

Stop that man!

Somebody get a hold of him!

Mitsuo. Mitsuo.

I have some sandwiches and a nice salad for you.

Well, in case you change your mind.

Well, we'll be landing in a few minutes, Harry.

Now, here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna mark this trunk like this, see.

And you and I are gonna get in it.

That's how we get off the plane, and nobody's gonna know.

Yeah, but how's Kimi gonna know where we are?

I got an idea.

Harry, just relax one second.

Harry, relax. Don't make no noise.

Kimi! Kimi!

Never mind what he found in his pocket.

We must get him home to bed.

They should be reading my note by now.

- Kimi. - Yes, Father.

I do not read English well enough, but I think it says something about

getting a trunk which has an "X" on it.

Trunk with an "X" on it?

He had no trunk, Father. Throw the paper away.

Look, here's one that isn't even locked and we get blamed

- if anything goes wrong. - Yeah, you're right.

Kimi! You had better read this.

Father, we must get the boy home.

Read.

Harry, we're locked in.

"Harry and I are in a trunk with the 'X' on it. Come and get us."

Then Mr Wooley is here. In a trunk with an "X" on it.

Let's go! Come on!

I'm sick, Harry. I'm sick.

Hear that? Yeah, I'm sick, Harry.

- Stop! - Stop it! Hold it!

Don't worry about me, Mits.

It was all worth it, because now we're together, see?

And as soon as Harry and I get over our trunkitis,

we're gonna have the gosh-darnedest

geisha-house-combination-magic-show that Tokyo ever saw. You'll see.

And now for the really big trick of the evening.

Out of this hat here, a live, beautiful, 100% pure bunny.

Harry, the rabbit.

It's not funny. It's a regular rabbit.

And I've been undressing in front of you all these years?

You've been deceiving me. You're not a Harry, you're a Harriet!

Well, that's all, folks.