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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:32,700 [dramatic music playing] 2 00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:04,632 [bright music playing] 3 00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:26,346 [adventurous music playing] 4 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,367 [music ends] 5 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,780 -[announcer] Luxury. -[chorus] Luxury. 6 00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:00,782 -[announcer] Opulence. -[chorus] Opulence. 7 00:03:00,915 --> 00:03:02,750 -[announcer] Hot people. -[chorus] Hot people. 8 00:03:02,884 --> 00:03:05,119 [announcer] Here on the Glamazonian Express, 9 00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:08,890 every journey is the height of extravagance 10 00:03:09,023 --> 00:03:10,958 and wasteful excess. 11 00:03:11,893 --> 00:03:15,495 -Oops. [giggles] -♪ Glamazonian ♪ 12 00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:18,365 [announcer] There's more where that came from. 13 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,435 You can't beat Glamazonian's five-star service. 14 00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:22,770 I'll take this one. 15 00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:25,506 ♪ Smoke ♪ 16 00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:27,842 I love my wife and kids, 17 00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:30,645 but Glamazonian helps me get away once in a while. 18 00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,514 Sometimes you just need a weekend with the boys. 19 00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:34,782 -What's your name? -♪ Dudes ♪ 20 00:03:34,916 --> 00:03:36,117 Don't answer that. 21 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:38,519 [announcer] Because we're not just America's 22 00:03:38,653 --> 00:03:41,221 first transcontinental bullet train. 23 00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:42,790 We're your family. 24 00:03:42,924 --> 00:03:45,026 If your family was a bunch of rich, 25 00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:48,228 successful ladies in shoulder pads. 26 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:50,998 -♪ Shoulder pads ♪ - Glamazonian Express. 27 00:03:51,132 --> 00:03:53,534 Travel Glamazoniously. 28 00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:56,403 [DeeDee] Look at them. They're perfect. 29 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,573 [Tess] Could you imagine us like that, 30 00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,842 traveling the country in a skirt suit? 31 00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:04,344 Finally in a high-speed line. No more commuter rail. 32 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,581 Staying in luxury hotels. 33 00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,950 Like a ski chalet in Aspen. 34 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,052 Where a couple muscled-up Swiss twins 35 00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:13,521 walk up to us at the hot tub, and they're like, 36 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,489 "Maybe we should take this party upstairs." 37 00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,290 Oh, but then we're like, "Sorry, boys. 38 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,627 We are both married to men who work in 39 00:04:19,761 --> 00:04:21,996 -commercial real estate." -Commercial real estate. 40 00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:26,200 But we have consensual kink positive sex with them anyway. 41 00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:30,470 And get this. We both reach climax at the same exact time 42 00:04:30,605 --> 00:04:34,175 while eyes locked from the twin beds in our shared room. 43 00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:36,476 Or even separate rooms. 44 00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:39,013 -Oh. -Oh. 45 00:04:39,147 --> 00:04:41,048 Yeah. Thank you. 46 00:04:41,182 --> 00:04:43,751 -Did you hear about Luann? -What a loss. 47 00:04:43,885 --> 00:04:46,453 She was the best cafe car girl out there. 48 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,490 [woman over PA] Now boarding train 16 49 00:04:50,625 --> 00:04:54,228 to Six Flags Guantanamo Bay. 50 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:55,930 Tess and DeeDee. 51 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,999 -Hey, Barb. Checking in. -Hey, Barb. Checking in. 52 00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:00,034 Oh, busy train today, huh? 53 00:05:01,135 --> 00:05:02,069 [DeeDee] She's really getting 54 00:05:02,203 --> 00:05:03,204 in there. 55 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,073 [Barbra] More like no train. 56 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:09,510 Here. They're letting us girls go. 57 00:05:09,644 --> 00:05:11,512 Shutting the whole thing down. 58 00:05:11,646 --> 00:05:14,314 What? They can't shut down a whole train line. 59 00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,850 They can if it's called Stank Rail, 60 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,919 and only stops in three sad cities. 61 00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,987 One of which just got swallowed up by a mine fire 62 00:05:20,121 --> 00:05:22,290 that's been burning up for 60 years. 63 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:23,624 Barb, what are you gonna do? 64 00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,660 Girl, I got a few odd jobs lined up. 65 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,528 You know, a little light sex work. 66 00:05:27,662 --> 00:05:29,462 Maybe get pregnant. Maybe I'll sell my hair. 67 00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:31,265 Isn't that the plot of Les Misérables? 68 00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:35,036 Girl, I got a feeling this lez is gonna be far from miserable. 69 00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,572 -Barbra out. -[woman over PA] Now boarding 70 00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:42,210 train 582 to Pyongyang, North Korea. 71 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,878 I'll miss this. 72 00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:48,348 Fantasizing about where everyone's traveling to. 73 00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:49,482 Like him. 74 00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:51,752 [wistful accordion music plays] 75 00:05:51,886 --> 00:05:54,055 He could be going anywhere. 76 00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,524 Deedles, what happened to us? 77 00:05:56,991 --> 00:05:59,060 I mean, we've been doing this for what, 78 00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,529 like 10 years now. 79 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,430 And I just thought we'd be... 80 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,834 I don't know. Just, like, something. 81 00:06:09,103 --> 00:06:10,671 Know what this is? 82 00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:15,109 Oh, my God. Is that our yearbook from Train Hostess Academy? 83 00:06:16,277 --> 00:06:17,945 I always keep it in my carry-on. 84 00:06:18,079 --> 00:06:22,950 [Tess] Aw, look how young we were. Well, kind of. 85 00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:26,187 DeeDee, do you remember when we first met each other 86 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,824 in the showers after that luggage-lifting seminar? 87 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:34,962 We promised each other that we would see the world together. 88 00:06:35,462 --> 00:06:38,165 You know, climb every mountain, 89 00:06:38,299 --> 00:06:40,034 ford every stream. 90 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:44,138 See the Dakotas, both Fanning and Johnson. 91 00:06:44,272 --> 00:06:47,808 Oh, visit the world wonders like the Grand Canyon 92 00:06:47,942 --> 00:06:52,146 and those four gay guys stuck on that mountain. 93 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:55,683 And then we were gonna give birth together in Tijuana, 94 00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,818 you know, just to prove to everybody 95 00:06:57,952 --> 00:06:59,687 that their healthcare system isn't really as bad 96 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,555 as everybody says it is. 97 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:06,260 Oh, we were gonna explore all the different cultures 98 00:07:06,394 --> 00:07:08,229 and countries 99 00:07:08,362 --> 00:07:11,532 and bathrooms because of your whole bladder thing. 100 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,237 Glamazonian better find 101 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,373 two replacements soon if those two girls don't show up. 102 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,642 -Where are they? -Last time I saw them, 103 00:07:21,776 --> 00:07:23,711 they were in the ski chalet hot tub. 104 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,580 They're probably still with those Swiss twins. 105 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:29,016 Ugh. I hate twins. If you have sex with one, 106 00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:30,584 you legally have to have sex with the other 107 00:07:30,718 --> 00:07:32,253 or else you go to jail. 108 00:07:32,887 --> 00:07:34,689 [Ayshleiygh] Glamazonian will take anyone at this point. 109 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,190 Even girls with big gums. 110 00:07:36,324 --> 00:07:40,027 Or worse, those girls from Stank Rail. 111 00:07:45,066 --> 00:07:46,334 -[Alli] Don't look at me. -[Ayshleiygh] No. 112 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,668 [DeeDee] Okay. 113 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:51,005 DeeDee, did you hear that? 114 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,374 My doctor says it's a pressurized urethra. 115 00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:57,044 No, Glamazonian is looking for two replacements. 116 00:07:57,178 --> 00:07:58,512 Now, that could be us. 117 00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:00,114 Tess, it's over. 118 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:03,985 It's time to go back to working at my parents' glue factory. 119 00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:08,122 DeeDee. DeeDee, wait. 120 00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,292 DeeDee. No. 121 00:08:11,425 --> 00:08:15,663 Oh, come out of there. Weren't you just in here? 122 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:16,931 [DeeDee] I really like it in here. 123 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,835 Besides, it's not like I have anywhere else to go today. 124 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,570 Don't you remember what you told me 125 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,905 our first day of Train Hostess Academy? 126 00:08:25,039 --> 00:08:28,175 "I'm only here because I don't wanna join the army"? 127 00:08:28,309 --> 00:08:29,343 The other thing. 128 00:08:29,477 --> 00:08:31,078 "My favorite spice is pudding"? 129 00:08:31,212 --> 00:08:32,113 The other thing. 130 00:08:32,246 --> 00:08:33,414 "I'm on the run 131 00:08:33,547 --> 00:08:34,882 and nobody knows I'm here"? 132 00:08:35,316 --> 00:08:37,852 The other, other thing. 133 00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,089 We were going to see America. 134 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:46,127 DeeDee, this is our chance. 135 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,730 [inspirational music playing] 136 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,735 [gasps] Look. 137 00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,973 DeeDee, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 138 00:08:59,106 --> 00:09:02,243 "If mermaids exist, shouldn't there be mer-butlers?" 139 00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,278 The other thing. 140 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:06,747 "Are all ghosts naked?" 141 00:09:06,881 --> 00:09:09,417 The other, other thing. 142 00:09:09,550 --> 00:09:10,885 "Do you wanna scissor?" 143 00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:11,919 DeeDee! 144 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:16,957 Look. 145 00:09:18,259 --> 00:09:18,993 Uh-huh. 146 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,995 Okay. You bring that over there, 147 00:09:21,128 --> 00:09:23,864 and I'll just start splitting the pants. 148 00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:28,836 [DeeDee] This is gonna look just like their uniforms. 149 00:09:32,073 --> 00:09:34,341 [Tess] We're gonna look so Glamazonian. 150 00:09:35,510 --> 00:09:37,611 [man over PA] We are experiencing further delays 151 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,146 on the Glamazonian Express 152 00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:41,749 because two bitches decided to not show up. 153 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,417 Well, they said there would be replacements. 154 00:09:43,552 --> 00:09:45,119 Where the hell are they? 155 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,221 [Tess] We're right here. 156 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,157 [wife] What are they wearing? 157 00:09:50,291 --> 00:09:52,259 [husband] You are always so critical of other women. 158 00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:54,028 "Look at their ill-fitting uniforms." 159 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:56,197 It looks like they were designed by Edward Scissor-fuck. 160 00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:57,498 [gasps] 161 00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,166 -You know what? -I didn't mean that. 162 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,301 Girls. Girls. 163 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,669 Barbra. 164 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:02,937 You work at Glamazonian now? 165 00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:05,139 Looks like we had the same idea. 166 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,675 You gotta take work where you can get it, right? 167 00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,110 -Thank you. -[woman over PA] Now boarding 168 00:10:09,243 --> 00:10:11,212 couples that shouldn't be together. 169 00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:13,114 -She's the one who started it. -I didn't start anything. 170 00:10:13,247 --> 00:10:14,081 Look at my face. 171 00:10:14,215 --> 00:10:15,216 Use your words. 172 00:10:15,349 --> 00:10:17,051 My words are fuck you! 173 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:20,221 [exciting music playing] 174 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,628 -[Tess gasps] -[DeeDee] Oh. 175 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,697 [Tess] Luxury. 176 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:31,799 Opulence. 177 00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:33,834 [Amber] Puke. 178 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:37,539 As in what's currently rising up in my esophagus 179 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:41,675 while I wonder why two sad mole people are in my first class. 180 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:43,477 -[Ayshleiygh] Mm-hm. -[Tess] Oh. 181 00:10:43,612 --> 00:10:48,349 Look, Deedles, it's Amber from Train Hostess Academy. 182 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:52,052 Oh, my God, Tess? It's been a minute, girl. 183 00:10:52,186 --> 00:10:55,557 I didn't recognize you with all the crow's feet and sun damage. 184 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:56,857 [chuckling] 185 00:10:56,991 --> 00:11:00,127 And DeeDee, you look... 186 00:11:00,595 --> 00:11:02,062 completely different. 187 00:11:02,897 --> 00:11:04,533 -Thank you. -[Amber] Let me guess. 188 00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:07,968 -Stroke? -[DeeDee] No. Hi, Alli. 189 00:11:08,637 --> 00:11:09,837 And... 190 00:11:12,273 --> 00:11:14,475 Ash? Ay-ash? 191 00:11:14,609 --> 00:11:16,911 Ai-ush-li... Ash-le-gweh. 192 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,848 I'm not really sure how to say it. 193 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,817 Uh... Don't worry, you won't. 194 00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:26,253 It's so weird we've never worked together before. 195 00:11:26,387 --> 00:11:28,722 How long have you two been Glamazonians? 196 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,491 -Oh, it's our first day. -Oh, like, like... 197 00:11:30,625 --> 00:11:33,093 -Our whole lives. Entire lives. -Our entire lives. 198 00:11:33,227 --> 00:11:34,195 Oh, sure. 199 00:11:34,328 --> 00:11:37,064 I remember coach like it was yesterday. 200 00:11:37,498 --> 00:11:39,333 Oh, wait. No, I don't. 201 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,570 We were put into first class right after graduation. 202 00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:43,003 [laughing] 203 00:11:43,137 --> 00:11:46,340 Let's just say we made a good impression. 204 00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:48,842 Oh, you slept your way to the top. 205 00:11:49,343 --> 00:11:50,411 How dare you? 206 00:11:50,545 --> 00:11:52,647 -[Ayshleiygh groans] -We barely slept at all. 207 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,716 We were too busy having sex with powerful railroad people. 208 00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:56,884 -Yeah. -Fuck! 209 00:11:57,586 --> 00:12:01,121 [Amber] You see? This is exactly why we don't talk to you two. 210 00:12:01,255 --> 00:12:03,490 You've always been so mean to us. 211 00:12:03,625 --> 00:12:06,260 -Rude. -Alli, Ayshleiygh. 212 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,596 Let's go, girls. 213 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:10,030 [announcer over PA] Now boarding the Glamazonian Express 214 00:12:10,164 --> 00:12:13,067 non-stop to Celebration, Florida. 215 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,471 Wow. They've gotten so much nicer since the academy. 216 00:12:17,606 --> 00:12:18,872 Totally. 217 00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,307 [gasps] Oh, my God, DeeDee, look. 218 00:12:20,441 --> 00:12:22,409 Look who's getting on the train over there. 219 00:12:27,081 --> 00:12:29,016 Cal. The conductor voted 220 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,352 "Number 1 Conductor We Want to See the Dick Of" 221 00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:34,788 in Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine. 222 00:12:40,361 --> 00:12:43,531 [Tess] Yeah, but why is he walking so slow? 223 00:12:44,098 --> 00:12:46,000 He doesn't even know I exist. 224 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,102 Oh, you should introduce yourself to him. 225 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,271 -Cal. Cal, hey! -Tess. 226 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:56,043 Good morning, Conductor Davenport. 227 00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,345 -Oh, morning, Cal. -[cat yowls] 228 00:12:58,479 --> 00:12:59,480 How's it hanging? 229 00:12:59,614 --> 00:13:02,316 Slightly to the left as usual. 230 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,417 Fantastic. 231 00:13:04,285 --> 00:13:06,053 Good morning, passengers. 232 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,289 This is your Conductor Davenport speaking. 233 00:13:08,422 --> 00:13:11,025 Welcome aboard the Glamazonian Express. 234 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:14,928 Departing sunny Los Angeles, City of Angels, 235 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:17,666 and one hell-spawned succubus named Sharon 236 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:20,602 who ripped my heart out and tore me away from my kids. 237 00:13:20,735 --> 00:13:22,303 -We don't need to get into it. -We have the chicken noodle. 238 00:13:22,436 --> 00:13:23,605 -Unless you guys want to. -Beef barley. 239 00:13:23,738 --> 00:13:25,172 And my favorite, clam chowder. 240 00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:27,542 [man] Perfect. I'll take the Denver omelet. 241 00:13:27,676 --> 00:13:30,712 Excuse me, would you mind helping me with my mother? 242 00:13:31,312 --> 00:13:33,648 -Of course. -Thank you. 243 00:13:33,782 --> 00:13:35,550 -Just grab the other side. -Oh. 244 00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:37,117 [Davenport] Although we started out as friends, 245 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,653 it quickly became apparent 246 00:13:38,787 --> 00:13:41,055 that there was more to our relationship. 247 00:13:41,188 --> 00:13:43,591 Our love blossomed and grew during high school. 248 00:13:43,725 --> 00:13:46,226 And we decided, let's do it for real. 249 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,331 We got married. At first, ours was a life of bliss and joy. 250 00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,767 But then things started to change. 251 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,134 I developed a drug habit, 252 00:13:54,736 --> 00:13:57,404 and Sharon decided she didn't want to be around that anymore. 253 00:13:57,539 --> 00:13:59,541 They had us waiting for 30 minutes, 254 00:13:59,674 --> 00:14:01,509 which is actually an hour. 255 00:14:01,643 --> 00:14:05,012 I mean, Jocelyn, you told me this was a luxury train car. 256 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,749 -I highly-- -[whispering] Excuse me. Hi. Hi. 257 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,149 This is the quiet car. 258 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,919 You can take that into the loud car. 259 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,420 Hold on. I can't hear you. 260 00:14:13,555 --> 00:14:15,956 -Just take it to the loud car. -I can't hear you. 261 00:14:16,090 --> 00:14:17,391 [shouting] Take it to the loud car! 262 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:18,459 [softly] Please. 263 00:14:18,626 --> 00:14:20,494 I think a train hostess just hit on me. 264 00:14:20,628 --> 00:14:22,262 -I am so hungry. -[Davenport] We could make it. 265 00:14:22,396 --> 00:14:25,032 And she got pregnant. We had our son. 266 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,769 But then the drug habit escalated to me giving hand jobs 267 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,937 under bridges for H. 268 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,072 The "H" stands for "heroin." 269 00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:35,342 I made some great friends under those bridges. 270 00:14:35,476 --> 00:14:38,412 Oh, well. We'll be departing shortly. 271 00:14:38,546 --> 00:14:39,848 Our trusty pit crew is just finishing up 272 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,082 some routine maintenance. 273 00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:50,290 Let's go. 274 00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,329 [laughing] 275 00:14:55,530 --> 00:14:57,197 By the way, it's not illegal to huff paint 276 00:14:57,331 --> 00:14:58,700 next to your four-year-old son. 277 00:14:58,833 --> 00:15:00,535 I looked it up. 278 00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:06,541 Oh, my God. No way. Are you...? 279 00:15:06,674 --> 00:15:08,008 I am. 280 00:15:08,142 --> 00:15:09,376 Oh, but I would really appreciate it 281 00:15:09,577 --> 00:15:11,378 if you don't make a big deal of it. 282 00:15:11,513 --> 00:15:13,848 I try to keep a low profile when I'm traveling. 283 00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,850 Are you sitting in my seat? 284 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,384 I paid for the window. 285 00:15:17,886 --> 00:15:19,521 Move. 286 00:15:31,633 --> 00:15:34,602 My God. What an ass. 287 00:15:34,736 --> 00:15:36,937 Welcome aboard. 288 00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:38,873 You're sitting next to the beautiful redhead 289 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,742 right over there. 290 00:15:41,743 --> 00:15:43,477 -Welcome aboard. -[Davenport] Before we depart, 291 00:15:43,611 --> 00:15:46,280 I'll turn it over to your lovely rail attendants 292 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:47,882 for your safety presentation. 293 00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:49,483 Ladies and gentlemen, 294 00:15:49,617 --> 00:15:51,218 can you please direct your attention 295 00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:54,556 to the front of the cabin? 296 00:15:54,689 --> 00:15:56,089 [upbeat music playing] 297 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,058 DeeDee, what's going on? 298 00:15:58,192 --> 00:16:00,227 [Amber] And a-five, six, seven, eight. 299 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,363 [gasps] I think we're being hijacked. 300 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:05,633 ♪ Pay attention ♪ 301 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,301 ♪ Shut up ♪ 302 00:16:08,302 --> 00:16:11,606 ♪ We got some instructions To keep you tightened up ♪ 303 00:16:11,739 --> 00:16:15,108 ♪ For the duration of the ride Stay inside ♪ 304 00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,712 ♪ Remain in your seat ♪ 305 00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,413 ♪ Sit the fuck down ♪ 306 00:16:19,881 --> 00:16:21,816 ♪ Keep it buckled Don't cause trouble ♪ 307 00:16:21,950 --> 00:16:25,753 ♪ Keep your luggage down Under your feet ♪ 308 00:16:25,887 --> 00:16:27,856 -♪ Even the dog ♪ -[dog barks] 309 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:30,023 ♪ No liquids over four ounces ♪ 310 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:33,628 ♪ And no lithium batteries ♪ 311 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,763 ♪ They could explode ♪ 312 00:16:35,897 --> 00:16:37,799 ♪ Read your pamphlet Know your exits ♪ 313 00:16:37,932 --> 00:16:41,401 ♪ In case There is an emergency ♪ 314 00:16:41,536 --> 00:16:43,671 ♪ Like if we explode ♪ 315 00:16:43,805 --> 00:16:47,742 ♪ Now take everything we said And delete it from your brain ♪ 316 00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:52,514 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no rules When you're riding on a train ♪ 317 00:16:52,647 --> 00:16:56,083 ♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪ 318 00:16:56,216 --> 00:17:00,120 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪ 319 00:17:00,254 --> 00:17:03,825 ♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪ 320 00:17:03,958 --> 00:17:08,830 ♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪ 321 00:17:08,963 --> 00:17:10,297 ♪ Roll call ♪ 322 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:12,132 ♪ Alli here, hand me your bag ♪ 323 00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:14,201 ♪ I'll throw 'em in the bin And give 'em a tag ♪ 324 00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,336 ♪ Hit the button Ask for Ayshleiygh ♪ 325 00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,472 ♪ Snacks and drinks I'm on my way ♪ 326 00:17:18,606 --> 00:17:20,374 ♪ Amber, Amber First-class queen ♪ 327 00:17:20,508 --> 00:17:22,877 ♪ Need some coffee? I got extra cream ♪ 328 00:17:23,011 --> 00:17:24,012 -[music stops] -I'm Tess. 329 00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,312 One time, I ate a magnet 330 00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,114 and got stuck to a flagpole. 331 00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:30,150 DeeDee. I was born with adult teeth. 332 00:17:31,986 --> 00:17:33,521 [music resumes] 333 00:17:33,655 --> 00:17:37,190 ♪ Bring your drugs It's time to play ♪ 334 00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:41,529 ♪ 'Cause there ain't no TSA ♪ 335 00:17:41,663 --> 00:17:45,700 ♪ Get on up and celebrate ♪ 336 00:17:45,833 --> 00:17:50,337 ♪ We're like If Amtrak was gay ♪ 337 00:17:51,371 --> 00:17:53,073 ♪ Sit the fuck down ♪ 338 00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:54,274 [music ends] 339 00:17:58,613 --> 00:18:02,550 Ladies and gentlemen, please prepare for departure. 340 00:18:06,854 --> 00:18:08,322 We nailed it. 341 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:23,270 [man] Pull the levers of the trolley onto the one person. 342 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,138 Hey, guys, we got another trolley problem. 343 00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,409 Ooh, yes, bitch, you're fierce! 344 00:18:29,544 --> 00:18:32,747 Dispatcher to train 108, you are cleared for departure. 345 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:36,084 It is more of a "chugga-chugga" or a "choo-choo"? 346 00:18:36,216 --> 00:18:38,452 [whistle toots weakly] 347 00:18:40,755 --> 00:18:42,255 Donna Dusk online. 348 00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,629 Zoom in on current weather trajectory. 349 00:18:48,362 --> 00:18:49,664 Too close. 350 00:18:58,072 --> 00:19:00,307 Good God. 351 00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:05,178 Per my calculations, we are looking at 352 00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:06,914 an unprecedented weather event. 353 00:19:07,048 --> 00:19:09,383 Hurricane, hailstorms, multiple tornadoes. 354 00:19:09,517 --> 00:19:11,451 And that's just the beginning. 355 00:19:11,586 --> 00:19:13,054 In English, please. 356 00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:15,322 It's gonna be a disaster. 357 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:16,858 In Spanish, please. 358 00:19:16,991 --> 00:19:18,726 [speaking Spanish] 359 00:19:18,860 --> 00:19:20,128 In Mandarin, please? 360 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,396 [speaking Mandarin] 361 00:19:22,530 --> 00:19:24,132 There's little historical evidence 362 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,566 that something like this even exists, 363 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:28,536 but only because so few have survived it. 364 00:19:29,070 --> 00:19:30,605 The ancient Egyptians feared 365 00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:33,306 that it was divine retribution from the gods, 366 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,409 and they had a name for it. 367 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,479 Stormaganza. 368 00:19:39,614 --> 00:19:40,882 [foreboding sting plays] 369 00:19:41,015 --> 00:19:43,951 [all murmuring] Stormaganza? 370 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:48,690 Donna, when I hired you, I took a chance. 371 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:51,291 Hire a woman with glasses, they said. 372 00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:53,628 Preferably a hot one, so everyone in the office 373 00:19:53,761 --> 00:19:56,631 could start a pool for who could have sex with her first. 374 00:19:56,764 --> 00:19:58,966 I had my money on that psycho. 375 00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,500 He's a dog. 376 00:20:01,869 --> 00:20:04,772 I can see now I made the right choice. 377 00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:12,279 Because this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 378 00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:15,950 [laughing] A stormaganza. What? 379 00:20:17,118 --> 00:20:18,686 That's so gay. 380 00:20:19,554 --> 00:20:20,588 Who are you? 381 00:20:20,722 --> 00:20:22,890 I'm Barbra. You just hired me. 382 00:20:23,024 --> 00:20:24,192 -I did? -Mm-hmm. 383 00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:25,593 Sir, no, you don't understand. 384 00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:27,628 We need to stop all the trains right now. 385 00:20:27,762 --> 00:20:29,362 I just saw there's a Glamazonian Express 386 00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,699 that's headed for the center of the storm. 387 00:20:31,833 --> 00:20:33,333 Oh, yeah? How about you stop this? 388 00:20:33,467 --> 00:20:34,635 [laughing] 389 00:20:34,769 --> 00:20:36,037 Did someone order a noogie? 390 00:20:36,170 --> 00:20:37,572 Uh-oh, Donna did. 391 00:20:38,506 --> 00:20:39,841 Whatever. 392 00:20:43,845 --> 00:20:46,279 May God have mercy on their souls. 393 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,717 Souls? Baby, let's start with that hair. 394 00:20:51,719 --> 00:20:54,722 Honey, are you sure you're okay to be traveling alone? 395 00:20:54,856 --> 00:20:57,759 It's just a train. What could possibly go wrong? 396 00:20:57,892 --> 00:20:59,627 Just make sure you keep your service animal 397 00:20:59,761 --> 00:21:01,929 inside its crate at all times. 398 00:21:02,063 --> 00:21:04,665 In fact, let me go ahead and check that safety latch. 399 00:21:04,799 --> 00:21:05,967 Have at it. 400 00:21:09,537 --> 00:21:11,572 Seems good to me. 401 00:21:18,513 --> 00:21:20,882 Oh, boy, look at you. 402 00:21:21,015 --> 00:21:23,450 -Uh-huh. -How far along? 403 00:21:23,918 --> 00:21:27,088 -Nine months. -Wow, congratulations. 404 00:21:27,221 --> 00:21:28,990 I love babies. 405 00:21:30,258 --> 00:21:31,291 In utero. 406 00:21:31,793 --> 00:21:34,294 Not outside of a belly. Nope. 407 00:21:34,762 --> 00:21:36,264 If you had a baby right now, 408 00:21:36,396 --> 00:21:38,065 everyone on this train would hate you. 409 00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:39,834 Loud. 410 00:21:40,701 --> 00:21:42,570 [chuckles] Good thing. 411 00:21:42,703 --> 00:21:46,040 Well, luckily, he's not due for another... 412 00:21:49,143 --> 00:21:50,511 [woman groans] 413 00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:55,482 Hi. 414 00:21:57,518 --> 00:21:58,820 Whatcha doing? 415 00:22:00,555 --> 00:22:03,057 I'm newly divorced. 416 00:22:03,791 --> 00:22:08,395 I've been married 20 years. Just like that. 417 00:22:08,529 --> 00:22:10,665 Never felt so free in my life. 418 00:22:12,133 --> 00:22:16,771 Have you read the book Eat, Pray, Love? 419 00:22:16,904 --> 00:22:20,675 I'm in the... I'm in the "eat" part right now. 420 00:22:24,111 --> 00:22:26,547 [divorcee moaning] 421 00:22:28,448 --> 00:22:31,052 -[Cal] How does this work? -[Davenport] Turn to the left... 422 00:22:32,753 --> 00:22:35,556 I'm so sorry. Did I hit you? 423 00:22:35,690 --> 00:22:38,259 Oh, no, I'm completely fine. 424 00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:40,228 You're bleeding a lot. 425 00:22:40,761 --> 00:22:43,130 Oh, this? It's nothing. 426 00:22:43,698 --> 00:22:46,067 Doors. Am I right? 427 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,003 [both laughing] 428 00:22:49,136 --> 00:22:51,539 I didn't know girls could be so funny. 429 00:22:52,874 --> 00:22:54,675 Really nice talking to you. 430 00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:56,344 DeeDee. 431 00:22:56,476 --> 00:22:57,845 I'm Cal. 432 00:22:58,478 --> 00:23:00,014 Cal. 433 00:23:05,286 --> 00:23:06,687 [beeping] 434 00:23:06,821 --> 00:23:09,456 Hello? Where's my coffee? 435 00:23:09,824 --> 00:23:10,825 Hello? 436 00:23:11,325 --> 00:23:13,794 Deedles, all of the passengers are hitting the help button. 437 00:23:13,928 --> 00:23:15,363 How's that drink cart coming? 438 00:23:15,495 --> 00:23:17,231 We're out of milk. Where'd it go? 439 00:23:17,365 --> 00:23:18,666 [Amber] Milk, anyone? 440 00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,869 Milk? Milk? 441 00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:23,304 Milk? 442 00:23:23,436 --> 00:23:24,404 [woman] Hello? 443 00:23:24,538 --> 00:23:25,907 Deedles, all these passengers 444 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,909 are so much nicer than the ones on Stank Rail. 445 00:23:28,042 --> 00:23:29,677 We have got to do a good job for them. 446 00:23:29,810 --> 00:23:31,444 I'm going in without it. 447 00:23:31,579 --> 00:23:32,980 How do we look? 448 00:23:33,114 --> 00:23:35,182 [both] Boop! Boop! 449 00:23:35,316 --> 00:23:36,416 [both] Gorge. 450 00:23:36,550 --> 00:23:37,718 [both giggle] 451 00:23:41,756 --> 00:23:44,692 [sweeping music playing] 452 00:23:51,265 --> 00:23:52,366 On the rocks? 453 00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:53,701 Neat. 454 00:23:54,535 --> 00:23:57,437 [kid] Who made this evaluation? A fucking kindergartener? 455 00:23:57,571 --> 00:24:00,541 I'm telling you, we should sell short. 456 00:24:00,675 --> 00:24:03,544 One tepid flat water with olives. 457 00:24:04,312 --> 00:24:06,514 [foreboding music plays] 458 00:24:11,352 --> 00:24:12,687 Drinks? 459 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,522 [Donna] Train Control to Glamazonian Express. 460 00:24:14,655 --> 00:24:18,092 Train Control to Glamazonian Express. Do you copy? 461 00:24:18,225 --> 00:24:19,694 Deedles, you left one of your programs 462 00:24:19,827 --> 00:24:21,329 up on the monitor again. 463 00:24:21,461 --> 00:24:23,030 My name is Donna Dusk. 464 00:24:23,164 --> 00:24:25,498 Oh, it's one of those makeover shows 465 00:24:25,633 --> 00:24:26,801 where they take the glasses off 466 00:24:26,934 --> 00:24:28,336 and suddenly the ugly girl's pretty. 467 00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:30,171 If you don't listen to everything I say, 468 00:24:30,304 --> 00:24:31,439 you are all going to die. 469 00:24:32,273 --> 00:24:35,743 Look, I don't know if you're the conductor, or some passengers, 470 00:24:35,876 --> 00:24:37,912 or a train attendant, or a bar cabin chef, 471 00:24:38,045 --> 00:24:40,480 or a ragtag group of boxcar children. 472 00:24:40,614 --> 00:24:42,083 Okay, I don't care about that. 473 00:24:42,216 --> 00:24:43,684 You're headed into a stormaganza. 474 00:24:43,818 --> 00:24:47,021 Do you hear me? A storm-a-ga-nza. 475 00:24:47,154 --> 00:24:49,657 So, we are counting on you. You're our last hope. 476 00:24:52,593 --> 00:24:54,695 This is our moment. 477 00:24:55,429 --> 00:24:56,630 DeeDee, follow me. 478 00:24:57,531 --> 00:24:59,700 [lively music playing] 479 00:25:00,134 --> 00:25:01,602 Excuse me, what are you two doing up here? 480 00:25:01,736 --> 00:25:03,537 [Alli] Oh, my God! 481 00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:04,905 -[Alli] I never! -[Amber] Hey, girls. 482 00:25:05,039 --> 00:25:06,607 [Alli] No. No running in the cabin! 483 00:25:06,741 --> 00:25:07,808 Everything looks good, sir. 484 00:25:07,942 --> 00:25:09,410 Wheels are still on the track. 485 00:25:09,543 --> 00:25:10,811 [door slams] 486 00:25:10,945 --> 00:25:13,047 -Open the door. -What's happening in there? 487 00:25:13,914 --> 00:25:14,949 Captain. 488 00:25:15,416 --> 00:25:17,518 [Amber] Oh, my God. 489 00:25:17,651 --> 00:25:19,620 Captain, there's an emergency. 490 00:25:19,754 --> 00:25:21,622 This weird, homely woman, Donna Dusk, 491 00:25:21,756 --> 00:25:25,126 with these big, cheap glasses, she popped up on my TV screen. 492 00:25:25,259 --> 00:25:26,994 You're not allowed to be up here. 493 00:25:27,128 --> 00:25:28,729 Captain. 494 00:25:28,863 --> 00:25:30,865 It's a stormaganza. 495 00:25:31,399 --> 00:25:34,568 [boy's voice] Mommy, Daddy's smoking crack again. 496 00:25:34,702 --> 00:25:37,671 Again, again, again. 497 00:25:39,306 --> 00:25:43,644 Captain Davenport to train HQ. Get me Donna Dusk. 498 00:25:43,778 --> 00:25:44,879 [Chet] Pfft. Donna? 499 00:25:45,012 --> 00:25:46,881 You mean little Bimbo Baggins? 500 00:25:47,014 --> 00:25:47,815 [laughs] 501 00:25:47,948 --> 00:25:49,383 This is Donna Dusk. 502 00:25:49,518 --> 00:25:52,853 [Davenport] The stormaganza. Is this a joke? 503 00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:54,955 Check your control panel. 504 00:25:56,557 --> 00:25:58,092 [ominous sting plays] 505 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,395 Dear God. 506 00:26:01,530 --> 00:26:03,831 [thunder rumbling] 507 00:26:06,967 --> 00:26:09,203 You have to stop the train now. 508 00:26:14,408 --> 00:26:16,210 [alarm beeping] 509 00:26:19,613 --> 00:26:22,349 The brakes. They're fried. 510 00:26:25,686 --> 00:26:27,054 Conductor. 511 00:26:27,922 --> 00:26:30,224 Are you saying that you're on a runaway train? 512 00:26:30,724 --> 00:26:35,663 Worse. What I'm saying is we can't stop. 513 00:26:37,131 --> 00:26:39,066 [foreboding music playing] 514 00:26:43,270 --> 00:26:45,906 I once drove through a stormaganza. 515 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:50,277 It was a long, long time ago. 516 00:26:50,411 --> 00:26:51,779 What happened? 517 00:26:53,414 --> 00:26:54,915 [Davenport sighs] 518 00:26:57,418 --> 00:26:59,620 [slurping] 519 00:27:02,123 --> 00:27:06,994 Conductor, the passengers in the rear have fallen into hysteria. 520 00:27:07,128 --> 00:27:08,796 Now, don't you worry, Amelia. 521 00:27:08,929 --> 00:27:10,764 We'll be through this squall soon. 522 00:27:10,898 --> 00:27:14,368 I'd stake all 44 states on it. 523 00:27:14,503 --> 00:27:16,137 Ooh, Lord. 524 00:27:17,705 --> 00:27:19,740 [thunder rumbling] 525 00:27:19,874 --> 00:27:21,742 [screaming] 526 00:27:21,876 --> 00:27:23,744 [brakes squealing] 527 00:27:24,078 --> 00:27:25,980 Our train derailed. 528 00:27:26,747 --> 00:27:28,583 What was it like? 529 00:27:28,716 --> 00:27:30,050 Like... 530 00:27:30,184 --> 00:27:32,453 Screech! 531 00:27:32,587 --> 00:27:35,122 Oh, God, no. Please stop! 532 00:27:35,590 --> 00:27:36,857 Stop the train! 533 00:27:36,991 --> 00:27:39,293 Oh, no, no! We're going off the rails! 534 00:27:39,426 --> 00:27:41,462 Oh, God, save us! 535 00:27:41,596 --> 00:27:43,831 My face! I'm burning alive! 536 00:27:43,964 --> 00:27:48,702 Boom, boom, boom! Aaahhh! 537 00:27:50,104 --> 00:27:51,472 [sighs] 538 00:27:51,606 --> 00:27:54,942 There in the wreckage, 539 00:27:55,075 --> 00:27:57,011 lost in the wilderness, 540 00:27:57,144 --> 00:27:59,847 just me and the co-conductor. 541 00:27:59,980 --> 00:28:03,350 I'm sure you can see where this is going. 542 00:28:03,484 --> 00:28:04,718 You kissed. 543 00:28:04,852 --> 00:28:06,787 No, I ate him. 544 00:28:06,921 --> 00:28:09,924 Oh, my God. How long were you out there? 545 00:28:10,057 --> 00:28:11,292 Forty-six minutes. 546 00:28:12,293 --> 00:28:13,394 You poor thing. 547 00:28:14,663 --> 00:28:15,896 Donna, are you still there? 548 00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:18,899 So, if my calculations are correct, 549 00:28:19,033 --> 00:28:21,936 you still have a chance of making it through the storm, 550 00:28:22,069 --> 00:28:24,205 but you have to find a way to stop the train 551 00:28:24,338 --> 00:28:26,608 before it crashes into the final stop, 552 00:28:27,074 --> 00:28:29,810 which is located right next to a nuclear power plant, 553 00:28:29,944 --> 00:28:31,712 a hotel for dogs, 554 00:28:32,413 --> 00:28:35,182 and the home of beloved actress Lori Metcalfe. 555 00:28:35,684 --> 00:28:37,284 Not Lori Metcalfe. 556 00:28:37,418 --> 00:28:38,587 [all groan] 557 00:28:38,719 --> 00:28:40,187 Dear God. 558 00:28:41,021 --> 00:28:43,224 [intense music playing] 559 00:28:44,291 --> 00:28:46,393 [dealer] Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen. Place your bets. 560 00:28:46,528 --> 00:28:49,698 The wheel turns. No more bets, please. No more bets. 561 00:28:50,164 --> 00:28:52,099 What were you two talking to the conductor about? 562 00:28:52,233 --> 00:28:53,834 Amber, there's been a bit of an emergency. 563 00:28:53,968 --> 00:28:55,469 Oh, you mean the weight restriction in this cabin 564 00:28:55,604 --> 00:28:58,339 that was exceeded when you two walked in. 565 00:28:58,806 --> 00:29:01,809 Actually, Amber, we don't have to tell you anything 566 00:29:01,942 --> 00:29:03,811 because the conductor put us in charge. 567 00:29:03,944 --> 00:29:07,147 You met the conductor? He's real? 568 00:29:08,148 --> 00:29:09,817 Tess, what are you doing? 569 00:29:09,950 --> 00:29:13,887 Excuse me. Hi, y'all. My name is Tess. 570 00:29:14,021 --> 00:29:15,823 And I'm DeeDee. And we have an announcement. 571 00:29:15,956 --> 00:29:17,424 [Amber] What do you think you're doing? 572 00:29:17,559 --> 00:29:20,160 Ayshleiygh, do something. 573 00:29:24,064 --> 00:29:26,133 I took eight beta-blockers. Um... 574 00:29:26,267 --> 00:29:27,501 [thud] 575 00:29:29,136 --> 00:29:30,605 The conductor would like us to tell you 576 00:29:30,739 --> 00:29:33,173 that we're looking at inclement weather ahead. 577 00:29:33,307 --> 00:29:36,611 Please stay in your seats and keep your seat belts fastened. 578 00:29:36,745 --> 00:29:38,012 We'll get through it in no time. 579 00:29:38,145 --> 00:29:42,651 And complimentary drinks on us. 580 00:29:42,783 --> 00:29:44,852 [cheering] 581 00:29:46,020 --> 00:29:48,690 Oh. So, that's how you wanna play. 582 00:29:48,822 --> 00:29:50,791 -Hmm. -Okay, bitch. 583 00:29:50,924 --> 00:29:52,793 We love games. Right, girls? 584 00:29:52,926 --> 00:29:54,261 [Alli] Yeah, but we don't play fair. 585 00:29:54,395 --> 00:29:56,163 We can basically read each other's minds. 586 00:29:56,297 --> 00:29:57,364 Watch. 587 00:29:58,499 --> 00:29:59,500 Bryce. Bryce. Bryce. 588 00:29:59,634 --> 00:30:01,736 [all] Bryce Dallas Howard. 589 00:30:01,869 --> 00:30:02,737 Ha ha! 590 00:30:02,870 --> 00:30:03,672 [Amber] See? 591 00:30:03,804 --> 00:30:04,905 [Ayshleiygh] Locked in. 592 00:30:05,039 --> 00:30:06,473 So, get ready to play 593 00:30:06,608 --> 00:30:11,513 4-D motherfucking chesssss. 594 00:30:11,646 --> 00:30:12,714 And we thank you. 595 00:30:12,846 --> 00:30:15,082 [stately music playing] 596 00:30:16,383 --> 00:30:17,851 Madam President. 597 00:30:20,854 --> 00:30:22,056 Have you made a decision? 598 00:30:25,426 --> 00:30:26,894 I have. 599 00:30:28,028 --> 00:30:29,597 It's time... 600 00:30:31,999 --> 00:30:34,068 to nuke Russia. 601 00:30:35,169 --> 00:30:37,871 Are you serious, madam? 602 00:30:38,005 --> 00:30:39,940 Does this look serious? 603 00:30:42,276 --> 00:30:43,844 [music intensifies] 604 00:30:44,011 --> 00:30:45,547 Kidding! 605 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:47,047 [all laughing] 606 00:30:47,782 --> 00:30:50,984 I mean, do you really think I wanna deal with that mess? 607 00:30:51,118 --> 00:30:53,688 Pfft. I don't even come in on Fridays. 608 00:30:53,822 --> 00:30:56,791 [press secretary] So good. You know what's so funny? 609 00:30:56,924 --> 00:30:58,425 We literally were just saying outside, 610 00:30:58,560 --> 00:31:00,227 we hope she does the bit with the button. 611 00:31:00,361 --> 00:31:02,930 It's so funny every time. 612 00:31:03,063 --> 00:31:04,632 Oh, my God. 613 00:31:04,766 --> 00:31:07,067 Approve all these bills 614 00:31:07,201 --> 00:31:10,971 and throw everyone a tax rebate. 615 00:31:11,105 --> 00:31:13,107 I'm in an Oprah mood. 616 00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:14,475 Hey, just a reminder. 617 00:31:14,609 --> 00:31:16,644 You have your one o'clock with AOC. 618 00:31:17,612 --> 00:31:20,648 Yeah. And then after that is your photoshoot with Skims. 619 00:31:20,782 --> 00:31:22,049 Remember the concept? 620 00:31:22,182 --> 00:31:24,084 Mary Poppins fell into her big bag 621 00:31:24,218 --> 00:31:27,221 and is now clawing at the walls of her dark bag pit. 622 00:31:27,354 --> 00:31:29,423 -[phone buzzes] -Oh. What? 623 00:31:29,557 --> 00:31:31,291 [squeaky voice chattering over phone] 624 00:31:31,425 --> 00:31:32,527 Okay. 625 00:31:32,660 --> 00:31:34,194 [squeaky voice chattering over phone] 626 00:31:36,363 --> 00:31:37,464 No. 627 00:31:38,265 --> 00:31:41,536 Now, I could be wrong, but that sounded like... 628 00:31:41,669 --> 00:31:42,871 An emergency. 629 00:31:43,003 --> 00:31:44,204 [gasps] 630 00:31:44,338 --> 00:31:46,006 A national emergency. 631 00:31:46,140 --> 00:31:48,610 [foreboding sting plays] 632 00:31:49,076 --> 00:31:50,745 Madam President, the situation is ongoing, 633 00:31:50,879 --> 00:31:53,447 but we have our people monitoring it from every angle. 634 00:31:53,581 --> 00:31:55,482 We're gonna corner the market on messaging on this, 635 00:31:55,617 --> 00:31:57,619 including running some contingency plans 636 00:31:57,752 --> 00:31:59,788 and getting best and worst-case projections. 637 00:31:59,920 --> 00:32:01,955 We also have a rapid response team on the scene 638 00:32:02,089 --> 00:32:03,957 in case the situation escalates. 639 00:32:04,091 --> 00:32:07,261 We have a direct line to defense, NASA, FEMA, 640 00:32:07,394 --> 00:32:10,197 PETA, GOOP, the NAACP, 641 00:32:10,330 --> 00:32:13,668 the WNBA, SWV, Xscape, 642 00:32:13,802 --> 00:32:16,036 TLC, Build-a-Bear Workshop, 643 00:32:16,170 --> 00:32:17,839 Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the cast of 644 00:32:17,971 --> 00:32:19,273 The Real Housewives of Potomac, 645 00:32:19,406 --> 00:32:21,074 the cast of Married to Medicine, 646 00:32:21,208 --> 00:32:24,244 and of course, the Taco Bell Innovation Lab. 647 00:32:26,614 --> 00:32:28,182 [ticking] 648 00:32:29,383 --> 00:32:31,151 Tell it to me straight. 649 00:32:31,285 --> 00:32:32,887 There's a Glamazonian Express 650 00:32:33,020 --> 00:32:35,055 headed directly into a massive storm. 651 00:32:35,189 --> 00:32:36,990 Now tell it to me gay. 652 00:32:37,124 --> 00:32:39,126 [shrieks] 653 00:32:40,662 --> 00:32:41,696 Dear God. 654 00:32:42,597 --> 00:32:43,665 It's serious. 655 00:32:44,866 --> 00:32:46,300 [distressed groan] 656 00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:49,604 Do you know what this is? Hmm? 657 00:32:49,737 --> 00:32:52,105 Well, of course, madam. That's your approval rating. 658 00:32:52,239 --> 00:32:55,075 Hasn't once dipped below "Love her!" 659 00:32:55,209 --> 00:32:58,680 That's right. That's right. 660 00:32:59,747 --> 00:33:02,884 Not since the day I sat my perfect derriere 661 00:33:03,016 --> 00:33:05,085 in this little chair-iere. 662 00:33:05,219 --> 00:33:06,788 And do you know why? 663 00:33:06,921 --> 00:33:07,889 You're sickening. 664 00:33:08,055 --> 00:33:08,890 Yes. 665 00:33:09,022 --> 00:33:10,324 But more. 666 00:33:10,457 --> 00:33:12,159 I'm fun. 667 00:33:12,292 --> 00:33:15,329 It was literally my whole campaign. 668 00:33:18,031 --> 00:33:20,400 You know what's not fun? 669 00:33:20,535 --> 00:33:25,305 America's first bullet train flying off the tracks. 670 00:33:25,773 --> 00:33:30,945 We will be the laughingstock of all high-speed-rail countries. 671 00:33:31,078 --> 00:33:34,114 Of course. Shouldn't you be the one to speak to this issue 672 00:33:34,248 --> 00:33:36,584 considering your military history? 673 00:33:38,485 --> 00:33:41,421 The United States Rail Force. 674 00:33:41,556 --> 00:33:44,057 -[warning bell ringing] -[child giggling] 675 00:33:44,191 --> 00:33:47,327 -[train horn blaring] -[child screaming] 676 00:33:49,129 --> 00:33:50,565 [loud thud] 677 00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:53,801 -[gasps] -[explosion] 678 00:33:54,434 --> 00:33:56,971 Are you having another one of your hot flashbacks? 679 00:33:57,104 --> 00:33:58,540 Of course not. 680 00:33:59,239 --> 00:34:03,310 All right, bring me my TV pantsuit. 681 00:34:03,443 --> 00:34:05,379 We're going live. 682 00:34:05,513 --> 00:34:06,246 Go. 683 00:34:06,380 --> 00:34:08,816 [dramatic music playing] 684 00:34:08,950 --> 00:34:10,718 -[sighs] -[groans softly] 685 00:34:15,690 --> 00:34:17,157 Whoa! 686 00:34:17,291 --> 00:34:19,326 -Good game. -You too. 687 00:34:19,928 --> 00:34:21,161 Your coffee, conductor. 688 00:34:21,295 --> 00:34:24,032 -Oh. Thank you. -Sorry it took so long. 689 00:34:24,164 --> 00:34:25,499 That's all right. 690 00:34:26,300 --> 00:34:28,135 And hi, Cal. 691 00:34:28,268 --> 00:34:30,004 Oh, you remembered my name. 692 00:34:30,137 --> 00:34:31,873 What was your name again? 693 00:34:32,006 --> 00:34:33,106 DeeDee. 694 00:34:33,240 --> 00:34:36,076 DeeDee. That's a great name. 695 00:34:36,209 --> 00:34:37,979 You know, I had a dog once. 696 00:34:38,111 --> 00:34:39,514 Named DeeDee? 697 00:34:39,647 --> 00:34:40,648 No. 698 00:34:49,057 --> 00:34:50,257 -I'm sorry, sorry. -[clamoring] 699 00:34:50,390 --> 00:34:52,225 No, we are out of vodka 700 00:34:52,359 --> 00:34:54,428 and whiskey and gin. 701 00:34:54,562 --> 00:34:58,231 But we do have a tequila branded by a very famous Meghan. 702 00:34:58,365 --> 00:34:59,667 Thee Stallion? 703 00:34:59,801 --> 00:35:01,368 Markle. 704 00:35:03,403 --> 00:35:06,139 [man] You worked hard. Your mamas and daddies worked hard. 705 00:35:06,273 --> 00:35:07,709 We're mighty proud of you. 706 00:35:14,048 --> 00:35:17,018 No way. Are you...? 707 00:35:17,150 --> 00:35:19,219 Yes, that's me. 708 00:35:19,353 --> 00:35:21,421 [sighs] Fun set. 709 00:35:21,556 --> 00:35:23,791 Are you looking at my screen right now? 710 00:35:23,925 --> 00:35:26,995 Because I paid $20 for this movie. 711 00:35:27,127 --> 00:35:29,964 You know what? You owe me half. 712 00:35:30,098 --> 00:35:32,199 [thunder rumbling] 713 00:35:32,332 --> 00:35:33,601 Okay. 714 00:35:34,301 --> 00:35:38,205 Thank you. And if I see you looking at this screen again, 715 00:35:38,338 --> 00:35:40,374 I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. 716 00:35:40,842 --> 00:35:42,610 [contestant] It's my goal to entertain the world 717 00:35:42,744 --> 00:35:44,311 through artistic expression. 718 00:35:44,746 --> 00:35:47,147 Through art, I shall serve my country. 719 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:48,415 [laughing] 720 00:35:51,418 --> 00:35:52,787 All right, you leeches. 721 00:35:53,721 --> 00:35:54,522 Listen up. 722 00:35:54,656 --> 00:35:56,791 You get one question each, 723 00:35:56,924 --> 00:35:59,359 and don't get greedy. Or I will have you thrown 724 00:35:59,493 --> 00:36:01,062 into a government black site so fast 725 00:36:01,194 --> 00:36:04,164 you'll be making Zara handbags like the rest of the filth. 726 00:36:04,297 --> 00:36:05,667 Is that what you want? 727 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:08,301 Ask me if I'm kidding. Seriously, ask. Yeah. 728 00:36:08,435 --> 00:36:09,637 Are you kidding? 729 00:36:09,771 --> 00:36:10,938 No. 730 00:36:11,072 --> 00:36:12,339 And that was your one question. 731 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:16,778 And now, please welcome your president, 732 00:36:16,911 --> 00:36:20,213 Judy Gagwell! 733 00:36:22,482 --> 00:36:26,020 Thank you. I will start taking questions. 734 00:36:26,154 --> 00:36:27,855 -Yes. -Madam President, 735 00:36:27,989 --> 00:36:30,058 what can you tell us about this storm? 736 00:36:30,190 --> 00:36:31,826 Well, it's quite-- 737 00:36:31,959 --> 00:36:33,293 Big? Dangerous? 738 00:36:33,427 --> 00:36:35,530 What are you hiding, Gagwell? 739 00:36:35,663 --> 00:36:36,998 What kind of conspiracy is this? 740 00:36:37,131 --> 00:36:38,933 -Watergate. Pizzagate. -Get her out of here. 741 00:36:39,067 --> 00:36:42,170 Wait. Aah! No, no, no, no, no. What's happening? 742 00:36:42,302 --> 00:36:45,506 I don't wanna work at a Zara! No! 743 00:36:46,140 --> 00:36:47,975 -Did you see that? -Yes, yes. 744 00:36:48,475 --> 00:36:53,447 Big. Just know we are monitoring the situation, 745 00:36:53,581 --> 00:36:56,084 and we have eyes on the train. 746 00:36:56,216 --> 00:36:57,151 [reporters clamoring] 747 00:36:57,284 --> 00:36:58,686 No. 748 00:37:00,487 --> 00:37:01,556 [blows raspberry] 749 00:37:02,489 --> 00:37:04,257 What are the chances of survival? 750 00:37:04,726 --> 00:37:09,362 And by "survival," I mean how many people are going to die? 751 00:37:09,496 --> 00:37:11,799 Dead. Six feet under. Maggots. 752 00:37:11,933 --> 00:37:14,202 Don't even get me started on the bats. 753 00:37:14,334 --> 00:37:16,604 Have you ever had a bat nest in your hair? 754 00:37:16,738 --> 00:37:18,740 Honey, the whole bat family moves in. 755 00:37:18,873 --> 00:37:22,076 -They bring lawn chairs-- -Okay. You had your turn. 756 00:37:22,210 --> 00:37:23,544 Excuse me. 757 00:37:24,112 --> 00:37:25,646 Y'all talking trains? 758 00:37:25,780 --> 00:37:27,715 I know a little something about trains. 759 00:37:27,849 --> 00:37:31,119 This is an inside job. How do I know? 760 00:37:31,251 --> 00:37:33,253 I'm a certified railway hostess. 761 00:37:33,386 --> 00:37:36,023 -Oh. -Well, I used to be. 762 00:37:36,157 --> 00:37:38,226 Then Big Train got my ass. 763 00:37:38,358 --> 00:37:39,594 And they're gonna get you all too. 764 00:37:39,794 --> 00:37:42,130 Soon, we're not gonna have no cars. 765 00:37:42,262 --> 00:37:43,998 We ain't gonna have no feet. 766 00:37:44,132 --> 00:37:47,769 Like the movie Snowpiercer, but no feet. 767 00:37:47,902 --> 00:37:51,005 Do you think these are my real legs? [laughs] 768 00:37:51,139 --> 00:37:54,642 They are, for now. Then they're gonna hack them off, 769 00:37:54,776 --> 00:37:56,744 they're gonna chain them to the bottom of that train, 770 00:37:56,878 --> 00:37:58,980 and they're gonna be like one Flintstones car. 771 00:37:59,113 --> 00:38:02,250 Madam President, do you feel a personal connection to this, 772 00:38:02,382 --> 00:38:04,351 considering your past? 773 00:38:04,484 --> 00:38:06,386 -My past? -Weren't you a part 774 00:38:06,521 --> 00:38:08,488 of that now-defunct military branch 775 00:38:08,623 --> 00:38:11,526 dedicated to defend the country with trains? 776 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:13,995 That was... 777 00:38:15,129 --> 00:38:17,397 many years ago. I... 778 00:38:17,532 --> 00:38:19,734 [camera shutters clicking] 779 00:38:23,204 --> 00:38:24,605 [train horn blaring] 780 00:38:28,375 --> 00:38:29,610 No! 781 00:38:30,678 --> 00:38:32,880 -[screaming] -[explosion] 782 00:38:33,514 --> 00:38:35,917 Joanie! No! 783 00:38:36,383 --> 00:38:38,820 Did you just have a hot flashback? 784 00:38:38,953 --> 00:38:40,721 Take her out. 785 00:38:40,855 --> 00:38:41,823 I've had it. 786 00:38:41,956 --> 00:38:42,924 No! 787 00:38:43,057 --> 00:38:44,592 [strained squealing] 788 00:38:44,759 --> 00:38:47,360 [indistinct chatter] 789 00:38:47,595 --> 00:38:49,197 Cal, status? 790 00:38:49,329 --> 00:38:51,165 Single, captain, but having sex 791 00:38:51,299 --> 00:38:53,935 with a few different women in my karate class. 792 00:38:54,068 --> 00:38:55,236 Copy that. 793 00:38:55,368 --> 00:38:57,404 Donna, how's it looking up ahead? 794 00:38:57,538 --> 00:38:58,973 Great, Captain. We're all rooting for you. 795 00:38:59,106 --> 00:39:00,608 [Chet] All right, who has money on 100? 796 00:39:00,808 --> 00:39:02,777 -[man] Three hundred. -Two hundred, 200. 797 00:39:02,910 --> 00:39:04,545 -I'm all in. -Come on, guys. 798 00:39:04,679 --> 00:39:06,981 I'm thinking mass casualties, bodies high. 799 00:39:07,114 --> 00:39:09,784 Get those bills out. Come on, don't be a cheap-ass. 800 00:39:09,917 --> 00:39:11,919 You know, it's only gonna get uglier, 801 00:39:12,053 --> 00:39:14,889 but I have no doubt we'll make it through. 802 00:39:15,022 --> 00:39:17,592 As long as I'm sitting in this chair, 803 00:39:18,259 --> 00:39:21,529 focused, alert, determined, 804 00:39:21,662 --> 00:39:24,431 and not incapacitated for some reason. 805 00:39:24,632 --> 00:39:27,068 [uplifting music playing] 806 00:39:27,500 --> 00:39:28,803 [grunting] 807 00:39:28,936 --> 00:39:31,438 -[rattling] -Oh! Oh! Oh! 808 00:39:31,572 --> 00:39:33,741 -[grunting] -Oh! Whoa! Whoa! 809 00:39:33,875 --> 00:39:35,009 [gasps] 810 00:39:36,043 --> 00:39:37,044 [gasps] 811 00:39:37,278 --> 00:39:39,881 [brakes straining] 812 00:39:42,683 --> 00:39:45,253 What is going on up there? 813 00:39:45,385 --> 00:39:46,954 [indistinct chatter] 814 00:39:47,922 --> 00:39:49,724 [Cal] Who brought a scorpion in here? 815 00:39:49,857 --> 00:39:51,959 He's allergic to scorpions, I think. 816 00:39:52,093 --> 00:39:53,561 We can fix this. 817 00:39:54,061 --> 00:39:56,163 Cal, you're gonna take over as conductor. 818 00:39:56,297 --> 00:39:57,732 No, I'm the co-conductor. 819 00:39:57,865 --> 00:40:00,368 All I know how to do is play music on the aux cord. 820 00:40:01,168 --> 00:40:02,937 What if I stay up here and help him? 821 00:40:03,070 --> 00:40:05,139 I could speak on the headset, make sure everything's okay. 822 00:40:05,273 --> 00:40:07,541 Yes, and I'll take care of the conductor. 823 00:40:07,675 --> 00:40:09,877 [grunting and convulsing] 824 00:40:10,011 --> 00:40:11,178 How do we look? 825 00:40:11,312 --> 00:40:12,880 [both] Boop! Boop! 826 00:40:13,014 --> 00:40:14,481 [both] Gorge. 827 00:40:18,786 --> 00:40:20,855 There's an amazing venue we should try. 828 00:40:20,988 --> 00:40:22,489 Oh, maybe. Yes. 829 00:40:23,557 --> 00:40:26,661 [gentle music playing] 830 00:40:27,728 --> 00:40:29,931 [thunder crashing] 831 00:40:41,976 --> 00:40:43,010 Oh. 832 00:40:44,345 --> 00:40:49,750 Ooh... Conductor Davenport. 833 00:40:49,884 --> 00:40:51,619 Is this seat taken? 834 00:40:52,553 --> 00:40:53,921 Mmm. 835 00:40:54,889 --> 00:40:55,756 [gasps] 836 00:40:55,890 --> 00:40:57,490 Oops! 837 00:40:57,625 --> 00:40:59,492 Ah! Got it. 838 00:40:59,627 --> 00:41:01,162 [giggles] 839 00:41:02,029 --> 00:41:05,666 Oh, I'm sorry, I... Oh, I guess I should... 840 00:41:07,467 --> 00:41:08,970 I guess I'll go here. 841 00:41:14,342 --> 00:41:16,077 Oh, that's my journal. 842 00:41:16,210 --> 00:41:17,678 Wow. 843 00:41:18,579 --> 00:41:20,548 Look at us. It's like, 844 00:41:20,681 --> 00:41:22,550 are we even gonna get any work done up here? 845 00:41:22,683 --> 00:41:23,584 [Cal laughs] 846 00:41:23,718 --> 00:41:25,519 I know. It's like, 847 00:41:25,653 --> 00:41:28,089 what does any of this stuff even do? 848 00:41:28,222 --> 00:41:29,523 [thunder rumbling] 849 00:41:29,657 --> 00:41:30,658 [Cal giggles] 850 00:41:30,791 --> 00:41:32,994 [DeeDee giggling] 851 00:41:37,264 --> 00:41:39,467 [Donna] Glamazonian Express, do you copy? 852 00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:41,102 Donna, do you copy? 853 00:41:41,235 --> 00:41:42,770 -Yes, BeeBee, I read you. -DeeDee. 854 00:41:42,903 --> 00:41:45,072 Whatever your name is, you're headed right into 855 00:41:45,206 --> 00:41:47,608 an oncoming tornado. You will need to redirect the train 856 00:41:47,742 --> 00:41:49,910 onto some sort of alternate track. 857 00:41:50,044 --> 00:41:51,879 Uh, you can manually switch 858 00:41:52,013 --> 00:41:53,381 to an old mining track up ahead, 859 00:41:53,514 --> 00:41:56,584 but fair warning, it's been closed for decades 860 00:41:56,717 --> 00:41:58,519 for being too haunted. 861 00:41:58,652 --> 00:42:00,855 [spooky music plays] 862 00:42:07,028 --> 00:42:07,995 Okay. 863 00:42:09,296 --> 00:42:10,197 [Cal] Oh. 864 00:42:10,931 --> 00:42:13,868 [exhilarating music playing] 865 00:42:18,372 --> 00:42:20,307 [giggling] 866 00:42:20,441 --> 00:42:21,575 Cal. 867 00:42:21,709 --> 00:42:23,377 Oh, here it is. 868 00:42:23,512 --> 00:42:26,280 [DeeDee] Oh. Sorry. [chuckles] 869 00:42:29,150 --> 00:42:30,151 Cal. 870 00:42:32,186 --> 00:42:33,554 [Cal] Ooh. 871 00:42:33,687 --> 00:42:35,189 Ah. 872 00:42:35,823 --> 00:42:37,224 [DeeDee] Oh, it's slippery. 873 00:42:37,358 --> 00:42:39,560 [both moaning] 874 00:42:42,263 --> 00:42:44,698 Can you guys just, like, pull it? 875 00:42:47,334 --> 00:42:48,202 [Cal grunts] 876 00:42:54,442 --> 00:42:56,877 It wasn't that bad, right? 877 00:43:06,187 --> 00:43:08,189 Well, we'll just have to handle this 878 00:43:08,322 --> 00:43:12,059 the way we take care of all scandals. 879 00:43:13,260 --> 00:43:15,129 Just start saying names. 880 00:43:16,363 --> 00:43:17,566 No. 881 00:43:17,698 --> 00:43:20,434 We wait it out until it all blows over. 882 00:43:20,569 --> 00:43:25,372 I mean, it can't get worse than this, right? 883 00:43:25,507 --> 00:43:28,476 [foreboding sting plays] 884 00:43:28,609 --> 00:43:30,211 Oh. 885 00:43:34,715 --> 00:43:36,917 [ghostly laughter] 886 00:43:39,987 --> 00:43:42,223 [eerie music playing] 887 00:43:42,756 --> 00:43:44,959 [ghostly laughter] 888 00:43:47,795 --> 00:43:50,231 Donna? Donna? 889 00:43:52,166 --> 00:43:53,267 We lost signal. 890 00:43:54,635 --> 00:43:56,637 That's good, right? 891 00:43:57,872 --> 00:44:00,474 Can you read me? Hello? 892 00:44:00,609 --> 00:44:01,909 Hello? Hello? 893 00:44:02,343 --> 00:44:06,814 -Can you read me? -Girl, where do I start? 894 00:44:06,947 --> 00:44:08,583 [ghostly laughter] 895 00:44:08,716 --> 00:44:10,317 [passengers murmuring] 896 00:44:10,451 --> 00:44:11,719 [Amber] Aw. 897 00:44:11,852 --> 00:44:13,721 Looks like you couldn't handle it after all. 898 00:44:13,854 --> 00:44:15,156 [all snickering] 899 00:44:15,923 --> 00:44:18,259 Don't worry, I've got this. 900 00:44:19,193 --> 00:44:22,263 Passengers, we are currently experiencing 901 00:44:22,396 --> 00:44:24,599 some slight technical difficulties. 902 00:44:24,732 --> 00:44:26,967 There's no need to panic. 903 00:44:28,936 --> 00:44:30,771 [passengers screaming] 904 00:44:35,009 --> 00:44:36,977 -I just said, don't panic. -You did. 905 00:44:37,111 --> 00:44:39,880 We're gonna need something to distract the passengers. 906 00:44:40,014 --> 00:44:41,583 Would you like me to help? 907 00:44:41,715 --> 00:44:43,083 I actually got my start on the stage. 908 00:44:43,217 --> 00:44:45,119 One-woman production of Our Town. 909 00:44:45,252 --> 00:44:47,556 -The review said that I was-- -[Amber] Girls, girls. 910 00:44:47,688 --> 00:44:49,156 Look who it is. 911 00:44:50,124 --> 00:44:53,093 It's some complete fucking rando who can't stay in her seat. 912 00:44:53,227 --> 00:44:54,461 Get out of here! 913 00:44:55,597 --> 00:44:56,730 What are we gonna do? 914 00:44:56,864 --> 00:44:59,066 [passengers clamoring] 915 00:44:59,700 --> 00:45:00,868 I have an idea. 916 00:45:02,671 --> 00:45:05,239 -[man] Who turned out the light? -[Tess] You have to trust me 917 00:45:05,372 --> 00:45:06,941 -and put these on. -[Amber] I'm out. 918 00:45:07,074 --> 00:45:08,342 [Alli] I'm in. -[Ayshleiygh] I'm in too. 919 00:45:08,475 --> 00:45:09,343 [Alli] Who's that? 920 00:45:09,476 --> 00:45:10,277 [voice] I'm a ghost. 921 00:45:10,411 --> 00:45:11,011 [Tess] Okay. 922 00:45:11,145 --> 00:45:13,414 Five, six, seven, eight. 923 00:45:13,548 --> 00:45:16,483 [lively music playing] 924 00:45:20,421 --> 00:45:24,358 ♪ We are onboard Private entertainment ♪ 925 00:45:24,491 --> 00:45:28,229 ♪ Here to keep the vibes high No derailment ♪ 926 00:45:28,362 --> 00:45:31,700 ♪ Little funky, little flirty Hot arrangement ♪ 927 00:45:31,832 --> 00:45:36,203 -♪ So light, so smooth ♪ -♪ So light, so smooth ♪ 928 00:45:36,337 --> 00:45:39,674 ♪ 'Cause everything is perfect Everything is right ♪ 929 00:45:40,441 --> 00:45:45,779 ♪ No need to be nervous Just enjoy the ride ♪ 930 00:45:45,913 --> 00:45:49,316 -♪ Hey, you, look over there -♪ Right there ♪ 931 00:45:49,450 --> 00:45:51,252 ♪ Nothing to worry about ♪ 932 00:45:51,385 --> 00:45:53,354 ♪ No reason You should be scared ♪ 933 00:45:53,487 --> 00:45:57,258 -♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ -♪ Right there ♪ 934 00:45:57,391 --> 00:46:01,596 ♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪ 935 00:46:01,730 --> 00:46:03,998 Now it's even louder in here. 936 00:46:04,131 --> 00:46:06,834 [rattling and rumbling] 937 00:46:07,835 --> 00:46:08,936 Whoa. 938 00:46:14,676 --> 00:46:16,010 [screams] 939 00:46:18,546 --> 00:46:20,914 -Oh, my God. -Whoa! 940 00:46:26,787 --> 00:46:30,357 -♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ -♪ Right there ♪ 941 00:46:30,491 --> 00:46:32,459 ♪ Nothing to worry about ♪ 942 00:46:32,594 --> 00:46:34,596 ♪ No reason You should be scared ♪ 943 00:46:34,729 --> 00:46:38,032 -♪ Hey, you, look over there ♪ -♪ Right there ♪ 944 00:46:38,165 --> 00:46:42,504 ♪ We're just here hanging out Like we don't have a care ♪ 945 00:46:42,637 --> 00:46:46,006 ♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪ 946 00:46:46,140 --> 00:46:50,512 ♪ Don't you look over here Don't you look over here now ♪ 947 00:46:50,645 --> 00:46:53,814 ♪ Look over there now Look over there ♪ 948 00:46:53,947 --> 00:46:59,086 ♪ Don't look over there Don't you look over there now ♪ 949 00:47:01,822 --> 00:47:04,024 [cheering] 950 00:47:04,958 --> 00:47:06,360 [music ends] 951 00:47:10,164 --> 00:47:13,568 Donna, Donna, do you read? Donna? 952 00:47:13,702 --> 00:47:16,538 Your skin looks like you got power-washed in a FEMA tent. 953 00:47:16,671 --> 00:47:18,573 Head so big you look like the Michelin Man. 954 00:47:18,707 --> 00:47:21,909 Great ascot, I wish your ass got hit by a bus. 955 00:47:22,042 --> 00:47:23,944 You're aging like goat milk. 956 00:47:24,078 --> 00:47:25,245 [DeeDee] Donna? 957 00:47:25,714 --> 00:47:27,649 We made it through the tunnel. 958 00:47:27,782 --> 00:47:29,983 [cheering] 959 00:47:35,889 --> 00:47:37,424 Train hands. 960 00:47:39,193 --> 00:47:41,462 DeeDee, we did it. 961 00:47:41,596 --> 00:47:43,531 [groans] 962 00:47:43,665 --> 00:47:45,032 Oh. 963 00:47:46,433 --> 00:47:48,302 You look incredible right now. 964 00:47:48,435 --> 00:47:49,370 Oh. 965 00:47:49,504 --> 00:47:52,439 I guess I'll go take care of this. 966 00:47:57,512 --> 00:47:59,113 [cheering] 967 00:47:59,246 --> 00:48:02,383 [passengers] Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 968 00:48:02,517 --> 00:48:06,621 That was amazing. You're like the Tate McRae of railroads. 969 00:48:06,755 --> 00:48:08,857 Like Tate McRailroad. 970 00:48:08,989 --> 00:48:10,859 Wait, wait, y'all liked that? 971 00:48:10,991 --> 00:48:12,192 -Ah, yeah! -Yeah! 972 00:48:12,326 --> 00:48:13,595 You're totally in with us now, girl. 973 00:48:13,728 --> 00:48:16,130 So in. Even with that little weird eye thing. 974 00:48:16,263 --> 00:48:18,365 -Wait, what? What? -Right there. 975 00:48:18,499 --> 00:48:21,435 I'm sorry. Is this a joke? 976 00:48:21,569 --> 00:48:24,338 Her name doesn't even start with A. 977 00:48:24,471 --> 00:48:28,643 Amber. I think you're needed back there in coach. 978 00:48:28,777 --> 00:48:30,210 [laughing] 979 00:48:30,745 --> 00:48:32,614 Give it up for Tess, everyone. 980 00:48:32,747 --> 00:48:34,649 [cheering] 981 00:48:36,718 --> 00:48:39,854 Pick her up. Pick her up. Let's go. Come on. 982 00:48:40,487 --> 00:48:42,590 [all] Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 983 00:48:42,724 --> 00:48:44,191 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 984 00:48:44,324 --> 00:48:46,628 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 985 00:48:46,761 --> 00:48:50,063 Tess! Tess! We made it. 986 00:48:51,131 --> 00:48:52,499 Tess? 987 00:48:54,468 --> 00:48:55,737 Tess? 988 00:48:56,336 --> 00:48:57,872 Train Control, come in. 989 00:48:58,372 --> 00:49:00,608 Yes, I see you. Zooming in. 990 00:49:01,576 --> 00:49:03,511 -Too close. -It's good, right? 991 00:49:03,645 --> 00:49:06,380 -We're through the storm. -No. 992 00:49:08,081 --> 00:49:10,117 You're just in the eye of it. 993 00:49:10,984 --> 00:49:12,252 [sighs] 994 00:49:13,287 --> 00:49:15,657 [foreboding music playing] 995 00:49:15,890 --> 00:49:18,025 [Cal] Holy fuck. 996 00:49:28,636 --> 00:49:32,172 It's clear they're no longer buying what I'm selling. 997 00:49:33,340 --> 00:49:35,543 [crickets chirping] 998 00:49:40,615 --> 00:49:43,150 Madam President, your speech for when the train crashes, 999 00:49:43,283 --> 00:49:44,586 killing everyone. 1000 00:49:45,986 --> 00:49:47,020 Sit down. 1001 00:49:47,454 --> 00:49:49,958 I think it's time I tell you a story. 1002 00:49:53,093 --> 00:49:56,865 Everyone knows me as Judy Gagwell. 1003 00:49:56,997 --> 00:49:58,800 "She fun." 1004 00:49:59,601 --> 00:50:04,371 But what if I told you sometimes she not fun? 1005 00:50:05,005 --> 00:50:06,541 What if I told you... 1006 00:50:07,007 --> 00:50:09,076 she sad? 1007 00:50:10,912 --> 00:50:12,981 Oh, my God. 1008 00:50:13,113 --> 00:50:15,382 Was it something that I did? 1009 00:50:17,585 --> 00:50:21,021 There's one chapter in my life that I haven't spoken about. 1010 00:50:22,222 --> 00:50:27,261 My time in the United States Rail Force. 1011 00:50:27,929 --> 00:50:29,664 Take a seat. 1012 00:50:41,876 --> 00:50:45,580 The year was 1986. 1013 00:50:48,148 --> 00:50:50,518 The Rail Force. 1014 00:50:50,652 --> 00:50:54,388 A new military initiative under Reagan 1015 00:50:54,522 --> 00:50:58,760 who thought there was no better way to defend America 1016 00:50:59,259 --> 00:51:01,428 than by train. 1017 00:51:05,833 --> 00:51:09,003 It was supposed to be a standard test 1018 00:51:09,136 --> 00:51:13,340 where I'd launch missiles that were mounted on my caboose. 1019 00:51:13,975 --> 00:51:19,346 I had a blemish on my chin that day that needed a little TLC. 1020 00:51:21,015 --> 00:51:23,818 I was so distracted by my mug 1021 00:51:23,952 --> 00:51:26,286 that I didn't see all the warning signs 1022 00:51:26,420 --> 00:51:28,790 staring right at me. 1023 00:51:39,767 --> 00:51:40,835 [thud] 1024 00:51:42,202 --> 00:51:43,538 What was that? 1025 00:51:44,572 --> 00:51:45,238 Hm. 1026 00:51:45,439 --> 00:51:47,575 [somber music playing] 1027 00:51:53,915 --> 00:51:56,551 Like little Joanie Muggins 1028 00:51:57,685 --> 00:52:00,120 prancing down the train tracks. 1029 00:52:00,253 --> 00:52:01,589 [whimpers] 1030 00:52:04,191 --> 00:52:06,861 I had to bury this story for my campaign. 1031 00:52:07,695 --> 00:52:10,397 You know, there's a saying in politics. 1032 00:52:10,531 --> 00:52:14,368 The only thing less fun than a train crash 1033 00:52:14,501 --> 00:52:18,472 is a flattened, exploded toddler. 1034 00:52:19,439 --> 00:52:23,111 And you are always saying that. 1035 00:52:23,243 --> 00:52:26,781 So, now that you know the real me, 1036 00:52:27,247 --> 00:52:29,316 the true me, 1037 00:52:30,217 --> 00:52:31,519 what do you think? 1038 00:52:33,453 --> 00:52:35,155 We can spin this. 1039 00:52:35,288 --> 00:52:36,858 We're gonna get background on that toddler. 1040 00:52:36,991 --> 00:52:40,662 I guarantee you we can find it saying some racist shit. 1041 00:52:40,795 --> 00:52:42,764 I have to go. 1042 00:52:42,897 --> 00:52:43,931 No. 1043 00:52:44,065 --> 00:52:45,633 I'm not fit for this job anymore. 1044 00:52:45,767 --> 00:52:47,035 What? 1045 00:52:47,167 --> 00:52:49,403 -I have to go. -No. 1046 00:52:50,437 --> 00:52:51,773 President Gagwell. 1047 00:52:52,305 --> 00:52:53,841 President Gagwell, wait! 1048 00:52:53,975 --> 00:52:55,208 [door closes] 1049 00:52:56,176 --> 00:52:57,545 [sighs] 1050 00:53:00,148 --> 00:53:01,849 [alarm blaring] 1051 00:53:01,983 --> 00:53:03,751 Oh, shit! 1052 00:53:08,355 --> 00:53:09,924 Phew! 1053 00:53:14,461 --> 00:53:17,264 Like I said, you're just in the eye of the storm. 1054 00:53:17,397 --> 00:53:19,534 You're telling me now it has a face? 1055 00:53:20,068 --> 00:53:23,604 And if I'm being frank, the other side is not looking good. 1056 00:53:23,738 --> 00:53:27,608 If you're being Frank, what if you're being, like, Dylan? 1057 00:53:27,742 --> 00:53:29,777 Deedles, we got this, okay? 1058 00:53:29,911 --> 00:53:33,280 We just gotta keep on doing what we've been doing. 1059 00:53:33,413 --> 00:53:34,882 Cal's really into you. 1060 00:53:35,016 --> 00:53:36,316 [both giggling] 1061 00:53:36,450 --> 00:53:38,152 Did you hear those passengers out there? 1062 00:53:38,285 --> 00:53:39,921 They are chanting our names. 1063 00:53:40,054 --> 00:53:41,589 I kind of just heard your name. 1064 00:53:41,723 --> 00:53:43,825 -What? No, no. -[cell phone chimes] 1065 00:53:43,958 --> 00:53:46,794 Oh! It's the other girls. I gotta get back out there. 1066 00:53:46,928 --> 00:53:49,197 -They need me. -Okay, how do we look? 1067 00:53:49,329 --> 00:53:51,398 Huh? Fine, fine, whatever. 1068 00:53:51,532 --> 00:53:53,968 Boop! Boop! 1069 00:53:54,836 --> 00:53:56,269 Gorge. 1070 00:53:58,639 --> 00:54:00,307 -Hey, everybody. -Ah! 1071 00:54:00,440 --> 00:54:01,976 Did you miss me? 1072 00:54:02,110 --> 00:54:03,778 [all] Yes! 1073 00:54:03,911 --> 00:54:07,181 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 1074 00:54:07,314 --> 00:54:11,953 Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! Tess! 1075 00:54:14,589 --> 00:54:16,389 "Babies cause 100 percent of train delays." 1076 00:54:16,524 --> 00:54:18,092 Yeah. Not good. 1077 00:54:18,559 --> 00:54:19,794 Oh, my goodness. 1078 00:54:19,927 --> 00:54:22,563 Congratulations. You are a Miranda. 1079 00:54:22,697 --> 00:54:26,266 Gentle and compassionate, but also relatively passive. 1080 00:54:26,399 --> 00:54:27,969 Okay, I'm gonna do me next. 1081 00:54:28,268 --> 00:54:30,738 [lounge music playing] 1082 00:54:37,011 --> 00:54:39,013 [moaning] 1083 00:54:43,017 --> 00:54:45,820 [moaning continues] 1084 00:54:49,456 --> 00:54:51,291 I'm horny. 1085 00:54:51,424 --> 00:54:52,693 DeeDee. 1086 00:54:54,128 --> 00:54:55,663 I just wanna say, 1087 00:54:55,797 --> 00:54:57,765 I couldn't do this without you. 1088 00:55:00,034 --> 00:55:01,636 Cal, I... 1089 00:55:01,769 --> 00:55:03,604 [Donna] Cal and DeeDee, do you copy? 1090 00:55:05,472 --> 00:55:06,974 -Donna? -This might be your one chance 1091 00:55:07,108 --> 00:55:10,678 to redirect the train before you re-enter the storm. 1092 00:55:10,812 --> 00:55:14,782 We just need to find a way to brake the train manually. 1093 00:55:17,317 --> 00:55:18,953 Tess will know what to do. 1094 00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:21,622 Who's Tess? 1095 00:55:21,756 --> 00:55:23,958 [disco music playing] 1096 00:55:29,096 --> 00:55:30,397 [DeeDee] Tess? 1097 00:55:32,365 --> 00:55:33,668 Tess! 1098 00:55:35,402 --> 00:55:36,604 Tess! 1099 00:55:39,307 --> 00:55:42,176 I'll have a Denver omelet. 1100 00:55:42,310 --> 00:55:43,678 [indistinctly mumbles] 1101 00:55:44,879 --> 00:55:45,947 Woot-woot! 1102 00:55:52,086 --> 00:55:53,955 Excuse you, bitch. 1103 00:56:01,295 --> 00:56:02,630 [DeeDee] Tess! 1104 00:56:06,100 --> 00:56:07,702 The Swiss twins. 1105 00:56:08,336 --> 00:56:09,570 Tess! 1106 00:56:10,370 --> 00:56:11,706 DeeDee? 1107 00:56:11,839 --> 00:56:12,707 DeeDee! 1108 00:56:12,840 --> 00:56:15,576 Hey, it's DeeDee, everybody! 1109 00:56:20,114 --> 00:56:21,448 What is all this? 1110 00:56:21,916 --> 00:56:24,652 I'm just trying to keep all the passengers entertained, 1111 00:56:24,785 --> 00:56:27,088 you know, like the girls do on the commercial. 1112 00:56:27,221 --> 00:56:30,524 The girls in the commercial did everything together. 1113 00:56:30,658 --> 00:56:32,425 -What? -[Alli] Everyone! 1114 00:56:32,560 --> 00:56:35,963 I would just like to make a toast to Tess, 1115 00:56:36,097 --> 00:56:38,266 our new best friend who is running this train 1116 00:56:38,398 --> 00:56:41,168 all by herself, with absolutely no help from anyone else. 1117 00:56:41,302 --> 00:56:43,504 [cheering and clapping] 1118 00:56:44,305 --> 00:56:46,908 Stop, y'all are crazy. 1119 00:56:47,041 --> 00:56:50,443 Oh, DeeDee. What was it you wanted to tell me? 1120 00:56:50,578 --> 00:56:52,412 You know what? Never mind. 1121 00:56:52,546 --> 00:56:55,116 -What? -Never mind! 1122 00:56:55,249 --> 00:56:56,183 What? 1123 00:56:56,317 --> 00:56:58,052 I said, never mind! 1124 00:56:58,986 --> 00:57:01,889 Because I can do this all by myself. 1125 00:57:07,261 --> 00:57:08,428 [Amber groans] 1126 00:57:09,330 --> 00:57:10,631 I'm so sorry. No offense. 1127 00:57:10,765 --> 00:57:12,767 It just smells like poor people back here. 1128 00:57:17,004 --> 00:57:19,407 Oh, hold on, the snack girl finally got here. 1129 00:57:19,540 --> 00:57:21,409 Y'all got Nutter Butters or what? 1130 00:57:21,976 --> 00:57:24,011 Sir, please don't touch me. 1131 00:57:24,578 --> 00:57:26,981 [shudders] So sad. 1132 00:57:38,626 --> 00:57:40,828 [suspenseful sting plays] 1133 00:57:45,066 --> 00:57:47,168 According to the schematic... 1134 00:57:49,469 --> 00:57:51,539 Ah. There is an emergency brake 1135 00:57:51,672 --> 00:57:54,175 situated directly on top of the caboose. 1136 00:57:54,308 --> 00:57:58,679 But there's no way to access it from inside the train. 1137 00:57:58,813 --> 00:58:00,881 Unless someone goes out there and does it themselves. 1138 00:58:01,015 --> 00:58:02,817 [computer] Autoconduct activated. 1139 00:58:02,950 --> 00:58:06,387 Cal, that's a suicide mission. 1140 00:58:06,954 --> 00:58:08,889 DeeDee, it's time for me to prove 1141 00:58:09,023 --> 00:58:11,125 that I'm more than just a perfect face 1142 00:58:11,258 --> 00:58:13,327 or a gorgeous set of abs 1143 00:58:13,794 --> 00:58:15,963 or those little V lines right above my pelvis 1144 00:58:16,097 --> 00:58:19,499 that poke out from my low-rise jeans. 1145 00:58:20,067 --> 00:58:21,102 I'm Cal. 1146 00:58:21,902 --> 00:58:23,571 I have to do this. 1147 00:58:25,039 --> 00:58:26,874 I have to save the world. 1148 00:58:29,076 --> 00:58:30,711 Sorry. 1149 00:58:38,085 --> 00:58:39,687 All right. When I get out there, 1150 00:58:39,820 --> 00:58:42,289 I'm gonna need eyes on me from inside the cabin. 1151 00:58:42,423 --> 00:58:45,292 Just give me the signal when you need to be pulled in. 1152 00:58:45,426 --> 00:58:47,028 What's the signal? 1153 00:58:47,695 --> 00:58:48,896 This. 1154 00:58:50,297 --> 00:58:51,699 -Okay. -Uh-huh. 1155 00:58:51,832 --> 00:58:54,035 How's that sound, Donna? 1156 00:58:54,168 --> 00:58:55,569 Dumb as shit. 1157 00:58:55,703 --> 00:58:56,971 Dumb as a school made of shit 1158 00:58:57,104 --> 00:58:59,440 filled with little shit students. 1159 00:58:59,573 --> 00:59:01,208 But it's so dumb... 1160 00:59:01,876 --> 00:59:04,645 it just might work, you crazy bastard. 1161 00:59:04,979 --> 00:59:06,013 DeeDee. 1162 00:59:07,081 --> 00:59:09,950 This might be the last time we ever see each other. 1163 00:59:10,851 --> 00:59:13,721 Cal, I need to tell you something. 1164 00:59:14,523 --> 00:59:15,756 What? 1165 00:59:16,157 --> 00:59:17,358 I love you. 1166 00:59:17,792 --> 00:59:19,427 I've loved you since the first time I saw you 1167 00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,596 on that Conductors We Want to See the Dick Of Magazine. 1168 00:59:22,730 --> 00:59:26,167 And you don't have to say anything back to me. I just... 1169 00:59:34,775 --> 00:59:36,777 What did you need to tell me? 1170 00:59:38,813 --> 00:59:41,782 Oh! Oh. Oh, nothing. 1171 00:59:42,483 --> 00:59:43,751 You know what? 1172 00:59:44,285 --> 00:59:47,455 No, I'm done living in this fantasy. 1173 00:59:47,588 --> 00:59:49,723 I love you, Cal. 1174 00:59:50,491 --> 00:59:52,561 I said it out loud. 1175 00:59:52,693 --> 00:59:54,128 Wow, DeeDee. 1176 00:59:54,595 --> 00:59:56,931 I don't know what to say, except 1177 00:59:57,064 --> 01:00:00,034 do you want to finally see what my dick looks like? 1178 01:00:01,102 --> 01:00:02,336 Yeah. 1179 01:00:04,305 --> 01:00:05,507 [unzipping] 1180 01:00:05,639 --> 01:00:07,509 -Whoa! -Whoa! 1181 01:00:07,641 --> 01:00:09,777 What did you need to tell me? 1182 01:00:10,744 --> 01:00:13,914 Oh! Good luck out there. 1183 01:00:16,884 --> 01:00:18,886 No, no, it's fine. Everybody calm down, okay? 1184 01:00:19,019 --> 01:00:20,855 There's something they're not telling us. 1185 01:00:20,988 --> 01:00:25,259 Yeah, like, is this even a train? 1186 01:00:25,392 --> 01:00:27,161 Think about it, people. 1187 01:00:27,294 --> 01:00:30,831 Does anybody remember getting on the train? 1188 01:00:32,399 --> 01:00:33,701 I do. 1189 01:00:35,035 --> 01:00:36,704 Oh, I do too, actually. 1190 01:00:39,140 --> 01:00:43,144 Why don't we see those pretty peepers? 1191 01:00:44,245 --> 01:00:46,013 Oh. 1192 01:00:46,147 --> 01:00:50,050 You know, nipples are the eyes of the face. 1193 01:00:51,085 --> 01:00:52,753 -[divorcee] Oh! -[all gasp] 1194 01:00:53,522 --> 01:00:54,556 Oh! 1195 01:00:54,688 --> 01:00:56,690 -Oh. -Hey, look. 1196 01:00:56,824 --> 01:01:00,661 That's the conductor. And a very large nipple. 1197 01:01:00,794 --> 01:01:02,963 Wait, who's driving the train? 1198 01:01:03,097 --> 01:01:05,567 And why is her nipple so big? 1199 01:01:05,699 --> 01:01:08,269 [groans] You're all just jealous. 1200 01:01:08,402 --> 01:01:09,703 I bet she knows. 1201 01:01:10,337 --> 01:01:13,374 I mean, look at her. Can we even trust anyone from coach? 1202 01:01:13,508 --> 01:01:15,442 [groans] She is from coach. 1203 01:01:16,343 --> 01:01:17,878 [Ayshleiygh] And she was in the conductor's cabin 1204 01:01:18,012 --> 01:01:20,347 the entire time we did the dance. 1205 01:01:21,048 --> 01:01:24,818 Dance? What dance? 1206 01:01:25,386 --> 01:01:30,024 Oh, just a disco-infused, late-'80s-inspired number. 1207 01:01:35,396 --> 01:01:38,365 Passengers, apologies for the confusion. 1208 01:01:38,499 --> 01:01:41,368 I'm getting word now that your first-class attendant here 1209 01:01:41,502 --> 01:01:43,003 is a two-faced bitch 1210 01:01:43,137 --> 01:01:45,674 who takes credit for the onboard entertainment choreo 1211 01:01:45,806 --> 01:01:48,909 that we came up with together. 1212 01:01:49,043 --> 01:01:51,078 -Get her ass. -Get her. Let her know. 1213 01:01:51,212 --> 01:01:53,648 Passengers, if I could direct your attention 1214 01:01:53,781 --> 01:01:56,050 to the right side of history, 1215 01:01:56,183 --> 01:01:58,319 I will let you know that I am the one 1216 01:01:58,452 --> 01:02:00,522 who came up with that choreo in the first place 1217 01:02:00,655 --> 01:02:04,058 when I had that dream that Dolly Parton made us dance at gunpoint 1218 01:02:04,191 --> 01:02:06,794 in order to escape her Rocky Mountain Labyrinth. 1219 01:02:08,295 --> 01:02:09,997 Passengers. 1220 01:02:10,130 --> 01:02:11,765 It's better to have no friends 1221 01:02:11,899 --> 01:02:15,169 than one friend who is a social-climbing skank, 1222 01:02:15,302 --> 01:02:18,439 who was just lying about us finally having our moment. 1223 01:02:18,573 --> 01:02:19,873 Passengers. 1224 01:02:20,274 --> 01:02:24,178 Maybe it's difficult for us to have our moment 1225 01:02:24,311 --> 01:02:28,182 when one of us is always holding the other one back. 1226 01:02:28,749 --> 01:02:30,951 [growls] 1227 01:02:31,085 --> 01:02:33,320 -[grunts] -[passengers gasp] 1228 01:02:33,921 --> 01:02:34,955 -[grunting] -[groans] 1229 01:02:35,089 --> 01:02:36,524 [passengers gasp] 1230 01:02:36,890 --> 01:02:37,958 Wha-- 1231 01:02:39,059 --> 01:02:41,529 Ow! Owee, owee, owee! 1232 01:02:41,663 --> 01:02:42,796 Ooh. 1233 01:02:44,331 --> 01:02:46,033 [DeeDee yelling] 1234 01:02:47,868 --> 01:02:49,704 Okay, okay. Time out, time out. 1235 01:02:49,837 --> 01:02:51,105 -Time out. -Tess, too much. 1236 01:02:51,238 --> 01:02:52,306 -Yeah. -[DeeDee] Tess, time out. 1237 01:02:52,439 --> 01:02:54,408 -Time out. -Okay. Okay. Fine. 1238 01:02:58,513 --> 01:02:59,547 [grunts] 1239 01:02:59,681 --> 01:03:01,516 [passengers gasp] 1240 01:03:09,423 --> 01:03:12,126 [Amber over intercom] Ugh, what is that smell? 1241 01:03:12,860 --> 01:03:18,098 Oh, never mind. It's just two girls stanking up the train. 1242 01:03:21,101 --> 01:03:22,503 That's right. 1243 01:03:22,671 --> 01:03:25,740 Neither of these attendants are from Glamazonian. 1244 01:03:25,873 --> 01:03:26,974 [passengers gasp] 1245 01:03:27,107 --> 01:03:28,677 [Amber] They're impostors 1246 01:03:28,809 --> 01:03:31,546 from Stank Rail. 1247 01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:32,580 [all gasp] 1248 01:03:34,114 --> 01:03:35,883 That's right. You know, the trains 1249 01:03:36,016 --> 01:03:37,451 where the seats don't even recline? 1250 01:03:37,585 --> 01:03:39,186 [all gasp] 1251 01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:40,154 [groans] 1252 01:03:40,287 --> 01:03:41,922 You lied to us, Tess. 1253 01:03:42,056 --> 01:03:43,991 You were the first woman I ever trusted. 1254 01:03:44,124 --> 01:03:45,025 No, no, no, no, no. 1255 01:03:45,159 --> 01:03:45,959 I was gonna ask you 1256 01:03:46,093 --> 01:03:47,361 to be my maid of honor. 1257 01:03:47,494 --> 01:03:49,096 And I still will be. 1258 01:03:49,229 --> 01:03:52,366 And I was gonna adopt you as my weird, sad daughter. 1259 01:03:53,735 --> 01:03:56,036 Oh, I really wanna be Tess Rina. 1260 01:03:56,638 --> 01:04:00,709 And neither one of you will ever be Glamazonian material. 1261 01:04:00,841 --> 01:04:03,043 [passengers murmuring] 1262 01:04:06,847 --> 01:04:08,516 What's this for? 1263 01:04:11,485 --> 01:04:12,986 [exhales] 1264 01:04:14,388 --> 01:04:16,323 Now let's save this train. 1265 01:04:18,225 --> 01:04:20,127 -[whooshing] -[yelps] 1266 01:04:23,163 --> 01:04:24,766 Did anybody just see that? 1267 01:04:24,898 --> 01:04:28,969 That looked like the conductor I wanted to see the dick of. 1268 01:04:30,705 --> 01:04:32,239 Cal! 1269 01:04:32,373 --> 01:04:34,542 DeeDee! 1270 01:04:34,676 --> 01:04:38,011 Call 911! 1271 01:04:40,582 --> 01:04:42,584 [shouting in panic] 1272 01:04:46,821 --> 01:04:48,055 Great. 1273 01:04:48,188 --> 01:04:49,657 So, now we're all gonna die in this train 1274 01:04:49,791 --> 01:04:51,526 because of you two boneheads. 1275 01:04:51,659 --> 01:04:52,560 Wait. 1276 01:04:52,794 --> 01:04:54,696 Maybe we could try and stop it. 1277 01:04:55,462 --> 01:04:57,632 -Get into it, girl. -[Amber groans] 1278 01:05:06,808 --> 01:05:09,410 Donna, tell it to us straight. 1279 01:05:11,178 --> 01:05:12,479 No brakes. 1280 01:05:12,913 --> 01:05:14,448 A fatal storm. 1281 01:05:14,582 --> 01:05:18,553 A dead co-conductor we really wanted to see the dick of. 1282 01:05:19,153 --> 01:05:20,855 I'd say our odds are... 1283 01:05:21,589 --> 01:05:25,660 a .01 percent chance of survival. 1284 01:05:25,794 --> 01:05:27,227 Tell it to us gay. 1285 01:05:27,428 --> 01:05:29,363 Oh, you give me a half-hour, I go over to Home Depot. 1286 01:05:29,496 --> 01:05:30,964 I load my Subaru with tools. 1287 01:05:31,098 --> 01:05:33,000 I pay my ex Deb some vegan jerky to help me. 1288 01:05:33,133 --> 01:05:35,135 We fix that train in, like, 20 minutes. 1289 01:05:35,269 --> 01:05:37,137 -Boy gay. -Oh, sorry. 1290 01:05:37,271 --> 01:05:39,507 [clicks tongue] Girl! 1291 01:05:39,641 --> 01:05:41,008 [all gasp] 1292 01:05:44,712 --> 01:05:46,548 Donna, pack up your desk. 1293 01:05:46,681 --> 01:05:48,215 -What? Why? -Well... 1294 01:05:48,716 --> 01:05:50,384 we have to blame someone for all this, 1295 01:05:50,518 --> 01:05:53,353 and you're the only woman wearing glasses. 1296 01:05:53,487 --> 01:05:55,122 You know, Chet, every day 1297 01:05:55,255 --> 01:05:58,125 I come to work at this office with a sword in my side, 1298 01:05:58,258 --> 01:06:00,194 knowing you're just gonna push it in further, 1299 01:06:00,327 --> 01:06:02,630 but I still come in. Why? 1300 01:06:03,263 --> 01:06:04,666 Because I'm a human being. 1301 01:06:05,132 --> 01:06:07,968 A human being who happens to be a woman. 1302 01:06:08,603 --> 01:06:12,607 But not just a woman. I am my mother's daughter 1303 01:06:12,740 --> 01:06:15,442 and her daughters before her and her daughters before her 1304 01:06:15,577 --> 01:06:18,178 in a never-ending line of daughters. 1305 01:06:18,312 --> 01:06:20,515 [muffled laughter] 1306 01:06:22,650 --> 01:06:24,552 [playing ragtime music] 1307 01:06:38,098 --> 01:06:39,534 [clattering] 1308 01:06:51,546 --> 01:06:52,647 The usual? 1309 01:06:53,180 --> 01:06:56,016 Barbra? You're a bartender now? 1310 01:06:57,752 --> 01:06:59,186 Who's Barbra? 1311 01:07:04,057 --> 01:07:05,727 [Gagwell] Hard day? 1312 01:07:05,860 --> 01:07:07,394 You don't know the half of it. 1313 01:07:08,596 --> 01:07:10,364 Try having half the country 1314 01:07:10,497 --> 01:07:12,800 think of you as a laughing stock. 1315 01:07:13,968 --> 01:07:15,637 Madam President? 1316 01:07:16,169 --> 01:07:17,505 You knew it was me? 1317 01:07:18,405 --> 01:07:20,107 But I'm wearing a disguise. 1318 01:07:20,575 --> 01:07:23,678 Shouldn't you be running the country? 1319 01:07:23,811 --> 01:07:25,112 Oh, I'm running all right. 1320 01:07:25,245 --> 01:07:28,683 Running from my past. 1321 01:07:28,816 --> 01:07:31,451 Well, whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad. 1322 01:07:32,219 --> 01:07:35,188 I ran over a toddler with a train. 1323 01:07:36,123 --> 01:07:37,491 Oh. 1324 01:07:38,058 --> 01:07:40,728 I did it, and then I buried it. 1325 01:07:40,862 --> 01:07:43,130 Just like they buried that toddler, 1326 01:07:43,263 --> 01:07:46,066 or at least whatever they could find of her. 1327 01:07:46,199 --> 01:07:49,637 All so that I could run for president. 1328 01:07:49,771 --> 01:07:53,140 Just like that toddler ran across those train tracks 1329 01:07:53,273 --> 01:07:56,076 and then exploded on impact. 1330 01:07:56,978 --> 01:07:58,846 Well, it could be worse. 1331 01:07:59,514 --> 01:08:01,649 You could be the reason an entire train 1332 01:08:01,783 --> 01:08:03,651 full of people crashes. 1333 01:08:06,654 --> 01:08:07,989 You're right. 1334 01:08:08,121 --> 01:08:12,492 I mean, there's probably five or six toddlers on there at least. 1335 01:08:15,362 --> 01:08:19,366 To running away from life's problems. 1336 01:08:22,770 --> 01:08:24,639 You know, I don't think you're running away. 1337 01:08:26,074 --> 01:08:27,542 I think you're stuck. 1338 01:08:28,442 --> 01:08:30,945 Just like I was stuck in that control tower. 1339 01:08:31,713 --> 01:08:36,216 We're sitting here avoiding our problems when we should be... 1340 01:08:36,350 --> 01:08:38,485 Ignoring them. 1341 01:08:39,721 --> 01:08:43,256 Bo... Bomb... Bombing... Bombing them? 1342 01:08:44,257 --> 01:08:45,560 Eating them. 1343 01:08:46,794 --> 01:08:50,565 -Hurdling towards them. -Towards them. 1344 01:08:51,099 --> 01:08:53,034 Hurdling right towards them. 1345 01:08:53,166 --> 01:08:54,501 Yes. 1346 01:08:54,969 --> 01:08:56,571 Yes! 1347 01:08:56,704 --> 01:08:58,539 Yes! Yes! 1348 01:08:58,673 --> 01:09:01,075 You know, I was gonna say that 1349 01:09:01,743 --> 01:09:03,711 because that's who I am, you know? 1350 01:09:03,845 --> 01:09:06,848 Hurdling towards them and solving this. 1351 01:09:06,981 --> 01:09:08,916 That is... That is brilliant. 1352 01:09:09,050 --> 01:09:10,317 That's brilliant. 1353 01:09:10,450 --> 01:09:13,755 Hurdling towards them. 1354 01:09:15,222 --> 01:09:18,325 Bitch, we've got a train to catch. 1355 01:09:18,458 --> 01:09:19,994 -Last will and testament? -[thunder crashing] 1356 01:09:20,128 --> 01:09:21,328 Last will and testament? 1357 01:09:21,863 --> 01:09:24,331 -Last will and testament? -I'll take one. 1358 01:09:24,932 --> 01:09:26,366 Last will and testament? 1359 01:09:26,500 --> 01:09:28,235 -Wow. -Last will and testament? 1360 01:09:28,368 --> 01:09:29,436 [chuckles] 1361 01:09:38,846 --> 01:09:40,748 You come back here to die with me? 1362 01:09:41,683 --> 01:09:42,717 Oh, wait. 1363 01:09:43,785 --> 01:09:46,087 I'd probably hold you back from that, too, right? 1364 01:09:46,219 --> 01:09:48,255 Deedles, I'm sorry. 1365 01:09:48,388 --> 01:09:49,657 You know I didn't mean any of those things 1366 01:09:49,791 --> 01:09:51,491 that I said to you. I just... 1367 01:09:52,392 --> 01:09:54,327 For the first time, I felt like our lives 1368 01:09:54,461 --> 01:09:58,498 were finally about to begin, you know? 1369 01:09:58,633 --> 01:10:01,401 I guess it was always just meant to end like this. 1370 01:10:04,806 --> 01:10:07,542 Tess, I'll be honest with you. 1371 01:10:08,142 --> 01:10:13,581 Before this morning, I thought our lives had started years ago. 1372 01:10:13,715 --> 01:10:17,417 -When? -The day we met at THA. 1373 01:10:18,119 --> 01:10:21,288 -Train Hostess Academy. -Train Hostess Academy. 1374 01:10:22,023 --> 01:10:24,424 Deedles, we were supposed to do big things. 1375 01:10:24,559 --> 01:10:25,960 Like see the world, 1376 01:10:26,094 --> 01:10:28,863 like those four gay guys stuck up on that mountain. 1377 01:10:29,664 --> 01:10:32,399 You know, I think I saw them passing by the window earlier. 1378 01:10:32,533 --> 01:10:34,102 Is that what that was? 1379 01:10:34,234 --> 01:10:36,137 [both] Oh! 1380 01:10:36,269 --> 01:10:37,370 [both gasp] 1381 01:10:37,505 --> 01:10:39,540 We're doing it, Tess. 1382 01:10:40,041 --> 01:10:41,441 Like we always have been. 1383 01:10:41,909 --> 01:10:45,913 Oh, if I'm gonna die in a fiery crash next to my best friend, 1384 01:10:46,047 --> 01:10:49,483 I don't wanna do it in these tacky-ass uniforms. 1385 01:10:50,417 --> 01:10:52,620 [gasps then chuckles] 1386 01:10:54,421 --> 01:10:56,057 I can't wait to get this off. 1387 01:10:56,724 --> 01:10:58,960 -I hate this. -[helicopter whirring] 1388 01:10:59,527 --> 01:11:02,496 -Do you hear that? -[Gagwell] Geronimo! 1389 01:11:13,340 --> 01:11:16,043 Who says we have to crash? 1390 01:11:17,979 --> 01:11:21,381 All right, let's pack it up, folks. This is so boring. 1391 01:11:21,516 --> 01:11:25,352 Wait. Who says we have to crash? 1392 01:11:26,386 --> 01:11:27,822 No one said that. 1393 01:11:28,956 --> 01:11:31,592 Is this a joke? Certainly, they won't be able to pick me up. 1394 01:11:31,726 --> 01:11:33,293 They're women, and no-- 1395 01:11:33,426 --> 01:11:36,463 Whoa! Whoa! They're doing it, you guys. 1396 01:11:36,597 --> 01:11:38,298 Let's save the train, people. 1397 01:11:38,733 --> 01:11:41,636 By that, I don't mean people with wheels as arms 1398 01:11:41,769 --> 01:11:45,139 and headlamps as eyes and a smokestack for a head. 1399 01:11:45,273 --> 01:11:47,508 And we wouldn't wanna save those people anyway. They're freaks. 1400 01:11:47,642 --> 01:11:49,476 Like, what is their blood, passengers? 1401 01:11:49,610 --> 01:11:52,647 No, I mean, let's save the train, people. 1402 01:11:53,247 --> 01:11:54,481 Yeah! 1403 01:11:55,415 --> 01:11:57,285 ♪ That my BFF, she the shit ♪ 1404 01:11:57,417 --> 01:12:01,088 ♪ Sister from another mister That my twin, thick and thin ♪ 1405 01:12:01,222 --> 01:12:03,858 ♪ We the baddest in the world Can't name nobody badder ♪ 1406 01:12:03,991 --> 01:12:06,694 ♪ It's just me and her Nobody else don't even matter ♪ 1407 01:12:06,828 --> 01:12:09,063 ♪ That my BFF, that my sis ♪ 1408 01:12:09,197 --> 01:12:12,066 ♪ Sister from another mister That my twin ♪ 1409 01:12:12,200 --> 01:12:14,035 ♪ Thick and thin Just like that ♪ 1410 01:12:14,168 --> 01:12:15,368 ♪ Have my back ♪ 1411 01:12:15,502 --> 01:12:17,071 ♪ If your bestie in the club ♪ 1412 01:12:17,205 --> 01:12:18,072 ♪ Where she at? ♪ 1413 01:12:18,206 --> 01:12:19,874 [Alli] Look who's here. 1414 01:12:20,007 --> 01:12:21,776 Are they really gonna die in those clothes? 1415 01:12:21,909 --> 01:12:24,278 Well, it looks like they already did. 1416 01:12:24,411 --> 01:12:25,713 Excuse us, ladies. 1417 01:12:25,847 --> 01:12:27,114 But we've got work to do. 1418 01:12:27,248 --> 01:12:28,749 Oh, and by the way, Amber, 1419 01:12:29,283 --> 01:12:31,219 I'm sorry we ever asked to be part of your little group 1420 01:12:31,351 --> 01:12:32,653 in the first place. 1421 01:12:32,787 --> 01:12:34,889 At least now I know what a real best friend 1422 01:12:35,022 --> 01:12:36,057 looks like. 1423 01:12:36,524 --> 01:12:37,792 You mean me, right? 1424 01:12:37,925 --> 01:12:38,926 Yeah. 1425 01:12:39,660 --> 01:12:42,362 Oh, my God. Just rent the U-Haul 1426 01:12:42,495 --> 01:12:44,232 and buy the Birkenstocks already, ladies. 1427 01:12:44,364 --> 01:12:45,166 Barf. 1428 01:12:45,299 --> 01:12:48,002 [sighs] I got this. 1429 01:12:48,970 --> 01:12:50,403 Amber, is it? 1430 01:12:50,538 --> 01:12:51,672 [chuckles] 1431 01:12:51,806 --> 01:12:53,975 -Apparently this is first class. -Mm-hm. 1432 01:12:54,108 --> 01:12:58,145 But that face of yours is screaming basic economy. 1433 01:12:58,279 --> 01:13:01,048 Fried hair, migrating filler. 1434 01:13:01,182 --> 01:13:03,684 And the only bags you forgot to check 1435 01:13:03,818 --> 01:13:06,287 are under those overlined eyes 1436 01:13:06,419 --> 01:13:10,358 that make you look like a spooked horse. 1437 01:13:10,558 --> 01:13:11,859 [grunts] 1438 01:13:11,993 --> 01:13:14,996 Next time you come for Tess or DeeDee, 1439 01:13:15,129 --> 01:13:19,634 remember, you just got a presidential address, 1440 01:13:20,234 --> 01:13:25,907 and it's 1600 Out-Of-My-Way-Bitch Boulevard. 1441 01:13:26,674 --> 01:13:28,075 Oh, Amber. 1442 01:13:32,479 --> 01:13:33,915 Because reading is what? 1443 01:13:34,048 --> 01:13:35,983 [all] Fundamental! 1444 01:13:36,117 --> 01:13:39,086 [laughing boisterously] 1445 01:13:42,223 --> 01:13:44,558 [Donna] Glamazonian Express, can you read me? 1446 01:13:44,692 --> 01:13:45,960 Can you read me? 1447 01:13:46,093 --> 01:13:47,528 Should I start with those shoes? 1448 01:13:47,662 --> 01:13:50,197 -Shut up. -Uh, loud and clear, Donna. 1449 01:13:50,331 --> 01:13:52,432 -Tell her about the president. -You're not gonna believe it. 1450 01:13:52,566 --> 01:13:54,969 The president has boarded the train by... 1451 01:13:55,102 --> 01:13:56,771 Wait. How did you get on the train? 1452 01:13:56,904 --> 01:13:59,774 No time. What are we looking at, Donna? 1453 01:13:59,907 --> 01:14:02,243 All right, you'll be coming up on the storm shortly. 1454 01:14:02,743 --> 01:14:06,213 I'm uploading a 3-D rendering to your comms. 1455 01:14:06,614 --> 01:14:08,015 Now, once you're there, 1456 01:14:08,149 --> 01:14:10,251 you'll have to find a way to stop that train 1457 01:14:10,384 --> 01:14:13,321 -with no brakes. -No brakes? 1458 01:14:13,453 --> 01:14:15,389 Otherwise, it'll crash into the final stop. 1459 01:14:15,523 --> 01:14:16,489 [screaming] 1460 01:14:16,624 --> 01:14:18,025 Crash. 1461 01:14:18,159 --> 01:14:20,561 Now the stop should be empty except for 1462 01:14:20,695 --> 01:14:22,863 the Make-A-Wish field trip that's visiting. 1463 01:14:23,364 --> 01:14:24,999 I... I shouldn't do this. 1464 01:14:25,132 --> 01:14:26,499 -What? -No. No. 1465 01:14:26,634 --> 01:14:29,203 One of you will have to stop the train. 1466 01:14:29,337 --> 01:14:30,604 -What? -One of you 1467 01:14:30,738 --> 01:14:32,039 will have to stop this train instead. 1468 01:14:32,173 --> 01:14:34,474 I will guide you. Go on. 1469 01:14:34,608 --> 01:14:35,609 Go. 1470 01:14:35,876 --> 01:14:38,245 T-minus one minute until the storm. 1471 01:14:38,379 --> 01:14:39,914 Whatever T-minus means. 1472 01:14:40,881 --> 01:14:43,150 Someone needs to be the conductor. 1473 01:14:43,284 --> 01:14:44,685 Tess. 1474 01:14:46,754 --> 01:14:48,689 -Tess, what are you doing? -Look, Deedles. 1475 01:14:48,823 --> 01:14:51,359 I know I am always saying that this is our moment, 1476 01:14:51,491 --> 01:14:54,061 but right now it's yours. 1477 01:14:57,164 --> 01:14:59,066 Madam President, are you sure about this? 1478 01:14:59,200 --> 01:15:01,302 [Gagwell] I've never been more sure 1479 01:15:01,435 --> 01:15:04,238 about anything in my life. 1480 01:15:08,776 --> 01:15:09,944 [Donna] Hello? 1481 01:15:10,077 --> 01:15:11,245 Oh. 1482 01:15:12,413 --> 01:15:14,882 Sorry. Never mind. 1483 01:15:15,783 --> 01:15:17,184 Now listen up. 1484 01:15:17,852 --> 01:15:22,156 When you get in there, you listen to everything I say. 1485 01:15:22,289 --> 01:15:26,260 Because this whole country is counting on you. 1486 01:15:27,495 --> 01:15:29,230 Any last words? 1487 01:15:30,264 --> 01:15:31,298 Good luck. 1488 01:15:31,432 --> 01:15:34,769 And don't fuck it up. 1489 01:15:34,902 --> 01:15:36,604 What's taking so long? 1490 01:15:36,737 --> 01:15:38,139 [thunder crashing] 1491 01:15:40,708 --> 01:15:42,309 [Gagwell] Okay, girls, buckle up. 1492 01:15:42,443 --> 01:15:45,746 -[Tess] What's the plan? -We need to shut off the engine 1493 01:15:45,880 --> 01:15:48,215 and eject it from the train 1494 01:15:48,349 --> 01:15:51,986 so we can explode it out of its sexy little undercarriage. 1495 01:15:52,119 --> 01:15:52,953 What? 1496 01:15:53,087 --> 01:15:54,722 Then we can use it as an anchor 1497 01:15:54,855 --> 01:15:56,323 to slow us down. 1498 01:15:56,457 --> 01:15:59,060 Look for a small blue button. 1499 01:16:00,194 --> 01:16:02,096 Blue button. Uh... 1500 01:16:07,802 --> 01:16:10,271 [screaming] 1501 01:16:26,454 --> 01:16:28,155 Okay, well, that clearly didn't work. 1502 01:16:28,289 --> 01:16:30,391 Uh... What about 1503 01:16:30,525 --> 01:16:31,692 this one? 1504 01:16:34,161 --> 01:16:35,596 [woman] Mom. 1505 01:16:35,729 --> 01:16:37,865 I'm sorry. She always does this. 1506 01:16:37,998 --> 01:16:40,034 I'm fine now. I just needed a snack. 1507 01:16:40,167 --> 01:16:43,637 It's like that movie with the guy, that, like, actor, 1508 01:16:43,771 --> 01:16:45,139 and then they're on a desert island 1509 01:16:45,272 --> 01:16:46,841 and his best friend's a baseball. 1510 01:16:46,974 --> 01:16:48,242 We're running out of time. 1511 01:16:48,375 --> 01:16:49,610 Okay, I know. I'm trying. 1512 01:16:49,743 --> 01:16:53,080 Um... Wait, wait. I found it. 1513 01:17:00,855 --> 01:17:02,156 [alarm blaring] 1514 01:17:12,900 --> 01:17:14,702 [Tess] It's working. We're slowing down. 1515 01:17:14,835 --> 01:17:16,203 Donna, what's up ahead? 1516 01:17:16,337 --> 01:17:17,572 Okay, girls. 1517 01:17:17,705 --> 01:17:19,874 You're not gonna believe what I'm seeing. 1518 01:17:21,543 --> 01:17:24,546 We're coming up on a few irregular weather patterns. 1519 01:17:25,012 --> 01:17:26,714 Hold her steady, ladies. 1520 01:17:28,048 --> 01:17:30,050 We're seeing extreme lightning. 1521 01:17:34,589 --> 01:17:35,689 Heavy fog. 1522 01:17:35,823 --> 01:17:37,526 [Tess] Deedles, where are you? 1523 01:17:37,658 --> 01:17:40,494 [DeeDee] Tess, I can't see, so I have to speak loud. 1524 01:17:40,629 --> 01:17:43,664 [Tess] No, you really don't. I am right here. Just reach out. 1525 01:17:43,797 --> 01:17:45,699 A lot of water. 1526 01:17:45,833 --> 01:17:48,068 [Gagwell] Look, there's a blowfish. 1527 01:17:48,202 --> 01:17:51,506 [Tess] Oh, it's blowing the angel fish. 1528 01:17:51,640 --> 01:17:54,241 Passengers, please be aware that your safety vest 1529 01:17:54,375 --> 01:17:56,710 also doubles as a flotation device. 1530 01:17:57,178 --> 01:18:00,014 To inflate, just pull the tab. 1531 01:18:00,915 --> 01:18:02,883 [all] Ooh. 1532 01:18:04,185 --> 01:18:07,354 The only way out is through. 1533 01:18:08,689 --> 01:18:09,790 You girls got this, right? 1534 01:18:10,424 --> 01:18:13,794 I'll be cheering you on from back here. 1535 01:18:22,436 --> 01:18:25,039 -You girls need pretzels? -[Tess] No, thanks. 1536 01:18:25,172 --> 01:18:27,007 Or a seltzer? Seltzer? 1537 01:18:27,141 --> 01:18:31,879 Ladies, it has been a pleasure playing with you tonight. 1538 01:18:36,150 --> 01:18:38,352 [playing out of tune] 1539 01:18:41,155 --> 01:18:43,625 You're entering a zone of extreme pressure. 1540 01:18:43,757 --> 01:18:45,292 [baby crying] 1541 01:18:45,426 --> 01:18:48,630 Oh, great. Where did that come from? 1542 01:18:48,762 --> 01:18:49,863 Oh, fuck. 1543 01:18:50,297 --> 01:18:51,932 [Donna] Some very extreme pressure 1544 01:18:52,066 --> 01:18:54,201 might be enough to shatter the windows. 1545 01:18:54,335 --> 01:18:57,404 [cracking] 1546 01:18:57,539 --> 01:18:58,973 Almost there. 1547 01:18:59,106 --> 01:19:00,741 And they've got the hummus packs. 1548 01:19:00,874 --> 01:19:02,409 You know, with the pretzels on the side? 1549 01:19:02,544 --> 01:19:06,180 You know, I keep some of these in the Resolute Desk. 1550 01:19:07,515 --> 01:19:08,449 What's this doing here? 1551 01:19:08,583 --> 01:19:10,784 [screaming] 1552 01:19:15,089 --> 01:19:16,457 [Tess] Deedles, I can see the station. 1553 01:19:16,591 --> 01:19:17,626 We're almost through the storm. 1554 01:19:17,758 --> 01:19:18,926 [cracking] 1555 01:19:19,860 --> 01:19:22,930 Tess, I think there's something wrong with the window. 1556 01:19:26,267 --> 01:19:28,102 -[glass shatters] -[screams] 1557 01:19:28,235 --> 01:19:29,336 Tess! 1558 01:19:29,470 --> 01:19:30,471 DeeDee! 1559 01:19:30,605 --> 01:19:32,339 Tess! 1560 01:19:35,876 --> 01:19:38,178 Tess! [screams] 1561 01:19:38,680 --> 01:19:39,813 Tess. 1562 01:19:40,715 --> 01:19:42,416 -Tess! -DeeDee! 1563 01:19:42,651 --> 01:19:44,084 -Tess! -DeeDee! 1564 01:19:45,019 --> 01:19:46,053 What is that? 1565 01:19:46,186 --> 01:19:47,388 It's a dog on two legs 1566 01:19:47,522 --> 01:19:48,922 pushing a shopping cart. 1567 01:19:49,056 --> 01:19:50,824 No, what's that? 1568 01:19:54,995 --> 01:19:57,498 As if this day couldn't get any worse. 1569 01:19:57,632 --> 01:19:58,832 Tess! 1570 01:19:58,966 --> 01:20:02,036 -Tess. -Take my hand. 1571 01:20:06,340 --> 01:20:09,143 Tess. You have to let me go. 1572 01:20:09,276 --> 01:20:11,879 No, I'll never let go. 1573 01:20:12,614 --> 01:20:14,882 We'll always have the memories. 1574 01:20:16,518 --> 01:20:19,554 [wistful music playing] 1575 01:20:34,935 --> 01:20:37,137 Is it weird that I can't remember anything 1576 01:20:37,271 --> 01:20:39,373 that didn't happen today? 1577 01:20:39,507 --> 01:20:41,543 Yeah, me too. 1578 01:20:42,409 --> 01:20:44,411 [both grunting] 1579 01:20:52,687 --> 01:20:55,189 [inspirational music playing] 1580 01:20:58,425 --> 01:20:59,927 Well done. 1581 01:21:01,696 --> 01:21:03,030 [gasps] 1582 01:21:17,645 --> 01:21:21,982 [music intensifies and grows louder] 1583 01:21:22,449 --> 01:21:24,351 Can you please turn that down? 1584 01:21:25,787 --> 01:21:27,988 [music volume lowers] 1585 01:21:35,597 --> 01:21:37,599 [brakes squealing] 1586 01:21:37,866 --> 01:21:40,367 [screaming] 1587 01:21:44,972 --> 01:21:46,306 [screaming silently] 1588 01:21:47,975 --> 01:21:50,512 [brakes straining] 1589 01:21:58,018 --> 01:22:00,154 [President Gagwell laughs nervously] 1590 01:22:04,124 --> 01:22:07,529 [laughing] 1591 01:22:10,665 --> 01:22:12,366 We did it. 1592 01:22:13,500 --> 01:22:14,501 We did it. 1593 01:22:14,636 --> 01:22:16,638 [all cheering] 1594 01:22:20,974 --> 01:22:24,978 [all cheering] 1595 01:22:28,415 --> 01:22:31,418 You know, I'm just getting out of something, 1596 01:22:31,553 --> 01:22:35,055 so not really looking for anything serious right now. 1597 01:22:36,691 --> 01:22:38,325 But it was really fun. 1598 01:22:41,361 --> 01:22:43,665 You first. I'm gonna go slip 1599 01:22:43,798 --> 01:22:45,966 into something a little more comfortable. 1600 01:22:46,099 --> 01:22:47,401 Okay. 1601 01:22:53,140 --> 01:22:55,743 -Tess. -Deedles. 1602 01:22:59,046 --> 01:23:00,314 Oh. 1603 01:23:02,216 --> 01:23:04,418 [indistinct lively chatter] 1604 01:23:07,988 --> 01:23:09,924 [excited chatter] 1605 01:23:10,057 --> 01:23:11,559 [man] Come on. Let's go. 1606 01:23:17,097 --> 01:23:18,999 Look who it is. Look who it is. Come on. 1607 01:23:19,132 --> 01:23:22,236 Finally, people who know who I am. Oh! 1608 01:23:22,369 --> 01:23:24,137 [Tess] No, DeeDee, I think nobody can tell 1609 01:23:24,271 --> 01:23:26,674 -you're not wearing pants. -Yes, they can tell. 1610 01:23:26,808 --> 01:23:29,544 -There's so many people here. -My goodness. Hi, how are you? 1611 01:23:29,677 --> 01:23:30,778 Hi. 1612 01:23:31,178 --> 01:23:32,881 Well, it's a little moist here, isn't it? 1613 01:23:33,013 --> 01:23:35,617 -It's a little moist. -We've never been to Florida. 1614 01:23:36,350 --> 01:23:38,853 Tess, DeeDee, you just saved countless lives. 1615 01:23:38,987 --> 01:23:40,555 Tell me how you feel. 1616 01:23:41,121 --> 01:23:42,924 I just wish Cal could have seen this. 1617 01:23:43,056 --> 01:23:45,192 -Aw. -[Cal] DeeDee! 1618 01:23:46,293 --> 01:23:48,495 [DeeDee] Cal, you're alive. 1619 01:23:48,630 --> 01:23:50,430 I know when I fell into the ravine, 1620 01:23:50,565 --> 01:23:53,033 it looked like I was definitely gonna die, 1621 01:23:53,166 --> 01:23:54,501 but I didn't. 1622 01:23:54,636 --> 01:23:56,370 I broke every bone in my body. 1623 01:23:56,503 --> 01:23:58,706 All I thought about was you, DeeDee. 1624 01:23:58,840 --> 01:24:01,141 On the brink of death, I was rescued 1625 01:24:01,275 --> 01:24:03,277 by a valet who was on a hike. 1626 01:24:03,410 --> 01:24:06,446 She was incredibly well-trained, and her name was-- 1627 01:24:06,581 --> 01:24:08,482 Wait, Barb? How did you... 1628 01:24:08,616 --> 01:24:11,686 I'm a lot of things, girls, but nothing for too long. 1629 01:24:13,320 --> 01:24:15,255 Barbra, you're an angel. 1630 01:24:15,389 --> 01:24:19,326 Cal, I need to tell you something. 1631 01:24:19,459 --> 01:24:22,296 What, that you're in love with me? 1632 01:24:23,031 --> 01:24:25,934 -How did you know? -Because you said it, like, 1633 01:24:26,066 --> 01:24:28,036 eight times in the conductor cabin. 1634 01:24:28,168 --> 01:24:30,738 You kept looking at me, and then you would just glaze over 1635 01:24:30,872 --> 01:24:33,440 like you were fantasizing about something. 1636 01:24:33,575 --> 01:24:37,377 And sometimes, you looked at my body too. 1637 01:24:38,780 --> 01:24:40,848 I don't know why this is taking so long. 1638 01:24:40,982 --> 01:24:42,517 Just kiss already. 1639 01:24:45,687 --> 01:24:47,055 Ow! My shoulder! 1640 01:24:47,187 --> 01:24:48,288 [groans] 1641 01:24:48,422 --> 01:24:50,959 You grabbed my exposed bone. 1642 01:24:51,626 --> 01:24:53,695 DeeDee, meet me in the ICU. 1643 01:24:53,828 --> 01:24:56,330 -I need to use your insurance. -He does like you. 1644 01:24:56,463 --> 01:24:58,465 [Tess] I can't believe you did that. 1645 01:25:00,200 --> 01:25:02,070 Thank you, Madam President. 1646 01:25:02,202 --> 01:25:03,805 No, Donna. 1647 01:25:03,938 --> 01:25:06,741 Thank little Joanie Muggins. 1648 01:25:09,209 --> 01:25:10,310 Who? 1649 01:25:10,778 --> 01:25:13,146 Tess, DeeDee, a word for the Times. 1650 01:25:13,280 --> 01:25:17,051 Oh, we did it, DeeDee. We saw America. 1651 01:25:17,184 --> 01:25:19,119 [crowd cheering] 1652 01:25:19,252 --> 01:25:20,588 You heard it here first. 1653 01:25:20,722 --> 01:25:23,156 We are live from Celebration, Florida. 1654 01:25:23,290 --> 01:25:26,828 This is Shayna Gefilte-Manischevitz. 1655 01:25:28,096 --> 01:25:29,931 Wait. One more thing. 1656 01:25:30,064 --> 01:25:31,599 We're missing someone. 1657 01:25:33,166 --> 01:25:35,369 [crowd cheering] 1658 01:25:38,205 --> 01:25:41,876 [triumphant music playing] 1659 01:25:55,188 --> 01:25:56,791 ♪ All aboard the party train ♪ 1660 01:25:56,924 --> 01:25:58,492 ♪ Hurry up and don't be late ♪ 1661 01:25:58,626 --> 01:26:00,128 ♪ Doo wop, don't you stop ♪ 1662 01:26:00,260 --> 01:26:01,596 I mean, the only thing that worked 1663 01:26:01,729 --> 01:26:04,431 on this whole train is I got snacks once. 1664 01:26:04,565 --> 01:26:06,199 Can you believe we didn't even die? 1665 01:26:06,333 --> 01:26:08,102 Have a lovely day, sir. 1666 01:26:08,603 --> 01:26:11,338 NASA, The Real Housewives of Potomac, 1667 01:26:11,471 --> 01:26:14,307 BET, MTV, VH1. 1668 01:26:14,441 --> 01:26:17,879 [snickers] XstyleC. 1669 01:26:18,780 --> 01:26:19,747 Sorry, guys. 1670 01:26:19,881 --> 01:26:21,983 One of which just got burned up by... 1671 01:26:22,550 --> 01:26:24,952 Mine fire that's been burning for 50 years. 1672 01:26:25,953 --> 01:26:27,622 [laughs] I'm sorry. 1673 01:26:27,755 --> 01:26:30,190 [all laughing] 1674 01:26:30,323 --> 01:26:32,860 [crew member] Five, six, seven, eight. 1675 01:26:33,360 --> 01:26:36,764 Oh, my God. Damn. 1676 01:26:36,898 --> 01:26:38,599 [laughing] 1677 01:26:38,733 --> 01:26:40,467 We hope you enjoyed your ride. 1678 01:26:40,601 --> 01:26:42,737 Please come back and see us again soon. 1679 01:26:45,640 --> 01:26:48,308 Thank you for choosing Glamazonian Express. 1680 01:26:48,442 --> 01:26:51,579 -Hope you had a nice trip. -Enjoy your day. 1681 01:26:51,713 --> 01:26:53,614 -Talk about dead weight, right? -Mm. 1682 01:26:53,748 --> 01:26:56,818 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. 1683 01:26:56,951 --> 01:26:58,586 -Oh. -Oh. 1684 01:26:58,720 --> 01:26:59,654 Okay. Cut. 1685 01:26:59,787 --> 01:27:01,388 [crew member] Cutting. Cutting. 1686 01:27:01,522 --> 01:27:04,926 Nice ascot. I wish your ass got hit by a bus. 1687 01:27:05,059 --> 01:27:07,461 [laughing] 1688 01:27:08,596 --> 01:27:10,732 Oh, shit. Okay. I'm sorry. 1689 01:27:10,865 --> 01:27:12,667 -Okay. -Don't forget your bag. 1690 01:27:12,800 --> 01:27:14,802 We hope you enjoyed your ride. 1691 01:27:14,936 --> 01:27:16,403 Whee! 1692 01:27:19,574 --> 01:27:21,274 The conductor would like us to tell you 1693 01:27:21,408 --> 01:27:25,713 that we're approaching inclement weather ahead. 1694 01:27:27,014 --> 01:27:30,151 I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have looked at you. 1695 01:27:30,718 --> 01:27:33,621 Congratulations, you are a Miranda. 1696 01:27:33,755 --> 01:27:36,256 Gentle and compassionate, but also-- 1697 01:27:36,389 --> 01:27:38,492 [laughing] 1698 01:27:40,061 --> 01:27:40,962 Okay. 1699 01:27:41,095 --> 01:27:42,063 I hope you had a pleasant 1700 01:27:42,196 --> 01:27:43,263 and enjoyable ride. 1701 01:27:43,396 --> 01:27:45,066 Come back again soon. 1702 01:27:45,199 --> 01:27:46,366 [gasps] 1703 01:27:47,101 --> 01:27:51,038 You see, this is exactly why we don't talk to you girls. 1704 01:27:54,274 --> 01:27:58,713 You see, this is exactly-- Would you stop it. Sorry. 1705 01:27:58,846 --> 01:28:00,848 -My face hidden? -You are. 1706 01:28:00,982 --> 01:28:03,283 [stifled laughter] 1707 01:28:03,416 --> 01:28:04,786 [clears throat] 1708 01:28:06,120 --> 01:28:09,456 You see, this... 1709 01:28:10,758 --> 01:28:13,293 Sorry. Fuck. I got it, I got it, okay. Here we go. 1710 01:28:13,426 --> 01:28:15,930 [crew member] And look right into the camera. Mouth open. 1711 01:28:16,063 --> 01:28:18,566 The burning flesh! 1712 01:28:20,433 --> 01:28:22,703 -[crew member] And... Cut. -[crew laughing] 1713 01:28:22,837 --> 01:28:24,972 -Come again. -I plan on it. 1714 01:28:25,106 --> 01:28:26,373 Oh! 1715 01:28:26,874 --> 01:28:27,975 What the hell? 1716 01:28:28,408 --> 01:28:29,944 [chuckles] 1717 01:28:31,045 --> 01:28:33,047 [grunting] 1718 01:28:34,215 --> 01:28:36,050 [laughs] This is so stupid. 1719 01:28:37,685 --> 01:28:39,754 ♪ All aboard the party train ♪ 1720 01:28:43,791 --> 01:28:45,560 -Have a lovely day. -Love your nails. 1721 01:28:45,693 --> 01:28:47,562 -You would. -Oh, God. 1722 01:28:48,763 --> 01:28:52,667 And you two will never be Glamazonian material. 1723 01:28:57,004 --> 01:29:00,373 -[crew member] Okay. Wow. -[all laughing] 1724 01:29:00,508 --> 01:29:02,310 [crew member] And cut. Okay. 1725 01:29:02,442 --> 01:29:04,312 On to the next scene. [laughs] 1726 01:29:04,444 --> 01:29:06,614 -What is that? -What is this? 1727 01:29:07,248 --> 01:29:09,317 I think it's shampoo. 1728 01:29:09,449 --> 01:29:11,219 -Is that funny? -Is it shampoo? 1729 01:29:11,351 --> 01:29:13,821 [crew member] Okay, cut. Let's clean up their hands, please. 1730 01:29:13,955 --> 01:29:15,590 -Well, it smells good. -It smells great. 1731 01:29:16,157 --> 01:29:17,925 Thank you for riding with us, ma'am. 1732 01:29:18,059 --> 01:29:19,492 Please don't touch me. 1733 01:29:21,863 --> 01:29:24,065 -Ugh, it was polyblend. -Mm. 1734 01:29:24,198 --> 01:29:26,734 Don't worry. I've got this. 1735 01:29:28,870 --> 01:29:30,470 -Passengers! -[crew member] Oh, my God. 1736 01:29:30,605 --> 01:29:33,841 So too early. Nun. 1737 01:29:34,175 --> 01:29:36,143 [crew laughing] 1738 01:29:36,310 --> 01:29:38,145 [all laughing] 1739 01:29:38,411 --> 01:29:40,014 -Religious freedom. -[crew member] You're so sweet. 1740 01:29:40,147 --> 01:29:42,016 I'm glad you're praying for everybody. 1741 01:29:42,149 --> 01:29:45,485 Oh, wait! Stop that train! 1742 01:29:45,620 --> 01:29:47,288 Thank you for choosing Glamazonian. 1743 01:29:47,420 --> 01:29:49,489 -Yuck, not you again. -Wait, but I'm-- 1744 01:29:49,624 --> 01:29:51,659 -That's lovely. -Oh! 1745 01:29:56,197 --> 01:29:57,464 [gasps] 1746 01:30:02,970 --> 01:30:04,906 Uh... Hello? 1747 01:30:07,108 --> 01:30:08,475 Hello? 124680