Original subtitles

You can run but you can't hide

from the Lord.

You can never judge

a woman with bad...

Sarah Rose knows

you're a beautiful person.

Sarah Rose knows

you have an unusual talent.

Sarah Rose knows

you're a teenage girl.

Hmm, and she definitely knows that you are ready

for the ultimate in teen glamour.

The American Teen Princess Pageant!

And now, a few words from last year's host,

Mr. Adam West!

The American Teen Princess Pageant

has been enriching the lives of American-made girls

since 1945.

The American Teen Princess Pageant

provides personal growth,

scholarship, travel!

And you might even meet a few celebrities.

Yes!

At the national level,

thousands of 17-year-old girls like yourselves

compete around the country in places like...

...beautiful Mount Rose, Minnesota...

...and make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama

to compete for the title

of American Teen Princess.

So which one of you will it be?

Like sands through the hourglass,

so are the Days of Our Lives.

God, Iris, you taped your shows over it.

I'm sorry.

Now, ladies, the rest of the tape,

which is now gone forever,

goes on about starting that great journey

which we call the American Teen Princess Pageant.

So any of you young ladies who'd like to start on that journey,

you just come right down here and sign up.

And, please, help yourself to some coffee and bars.

Showtime.

Do you think most people would say that

teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?

Oh, yeah, sure. I know what some of your big-city, no-bra-wearin'

hairy-legged women libbers might say.

They might say that a pageant is old-fashioned

and demeaning to the girls.

What's sick is women dressing like men.

- Oh, yeah. - You betcha, Iris.

No, I think you boys are gonna find something

a little bit different here in Mount Rose.

For one thing, we're all God-fearin' folk.

Every last one of us.

And you will not find

a "Back room" in our video store.

No, no, that filth is better left to the sin cities.

AKA Minneapolis, Saint Paul.

Sittin' on that bench.

Waitin' 'cause I'm tense.

Goin' down feelin' like my life is almost over

I don't know what to say.

Haven't made my way.

But I'm not gonna be a lost soldier...

Oh, yeah, sure.

Freda, sure.

Ah, she was the oldest living Lutheran.

Now she's dead as a doornail.

It's them damn Shriners who won't take down

that goddamn sign, the lazy sons of bitches.

Every year, every damn year, I tell 'em,

"Take down the goddamn Freda sign

you lazy sons of bitches!"

I don't wanna be a lost Picasso.

I'm doing my thing

I don't wanna be a lost Picasso...

Today's to-do list includes a trip to the Mall of America

where we are going to be buying outfits

for the physical fithess number.

Yeah. Nothing too showy.

No. You betcha, Iris.

We need that third judge. Oh, gosh, gosh, don't let me forget.

We need to think of a theme.

- Gladys, look out! - Oh!

Gosh darn it!

Hello, Father Dunegan.

Sidewalks? Sidewalks?

Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.

The communal wine just proves too tempting for some of 'em.

That's why we Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid

for the blood of Christ.

Oh, there's a parking space over there.

Oh, no. That's just a compact. Sorry.

You'd think they'd have the parking lot of America

to go with the Mall of America.

It's a 200-dollar fine!

I told you I would move the car if a cripple came.

Now just run in the store and pick out some outfits.

- All right, let's go. - Wait, wait, wait.

What?

I think I just thought of the theme.

Oh, what?

"Proud to be an American."

So what was the theme of the pageant last year?

Oh, that was "Buy American."

And the year before that was...

"USA is A-okay!"

And can you remember the theme of your favorite pageant?

Can I?

"Amer-I Can!"

People ask me where I get this. I don't know.

It's maybe a gift from God or something.

I don't wanna be a lost Picasso.

Just introduce yourself and

tell us why you're signing up for the pageant.

Okay. Hi. Hi.

Um, I'm Leslie Miller.

I'm signin' up 'cause, uh, you know,

I always watch the pageants on TV

and my boyfriend thinks I'll win.

For my talent, I'm gonna be doing...

You've been talking to this guy long enough.

Pat, I'm trying to tell him...

Now?

Hi, Pat. Go Muskies! Whoo!

Hi.

I'm Amber Atkins

and I'm signing up

'cause, um, my two favorite people

in the whole world competed in pageants.

My mom and Diane Sawyer.

'Course, I hope I end up a little more like Diane Sawyer

than my mom.

Do you do any of the, uh, embalming?

Oh, my God, no. Oh, God.

I just do the hair and makeup on the deceased.

I'm lucky I have an afterschool job

where I can practice my talent.

Oh, yeah, sure, you know, every pageant is special

but, um, this one is extra-super-special to me.

When I was 17, um, I don't know if you know this

but I was crowned, um,

Mount Rose's American Teen Princess

and this year...

drumroll, please

my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman

is competing.

Is this my mark?

Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman, and I believe this pageant

is an important experience for every young woman.

It...

Well, it teaches you what's really important in life

and it has the power to change you

in ways you've never dreamed of.

My mom gave me this nine-mil for my 13th birthday.

Yeah. I'll always remember what she wrote in the card.

"Jesus loves winners."

That's why no matter what I do.

I aim to win.

Why?

Well, uh, it's kinda like askin'

why do all the guys chew Copenhagen, you know?

I me...

If you're 17 and you're not a total fry

it's just what you do.

Have you decided what your talent is going to be yet?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I'm gonna sing and dance

to "New York, New York."

I just fell in love with the Big Apple last summer

when I was visitin' my brother Peter there.

He followed his dream all the way to New York.

Hmm. Wait.

Here's Peter as... Liza!

Here's him as Madonna.

As Barbara.

I... I don't know what my talent's gonna be yet.

Kenny! Kenny, come. Come, Kenny.

Oh, Kenny! Oh, this is Kenny.

Spike, my German shepherd

he went to live with a nice family on a farm

after he attacked me

but it wasn't his fault, was it, Kenny? No.

I had beef jerky in my front pocket.

They remade my belly with skin from my butt.

I was Mount Rose American Teen Princess in 1945.

We were at war with the Japs.

Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.

I had to turn it in for scrap.

So we adopt Molly three year ago when we come to America

to help acclimate us to American.

To America, Dad.

She all-American girl.

She our American Teen Princess girl.

Oh, Ma.

English! Speak English, you stupid little retard!

So, Molly, tell movie man what you talent do.

I'll be line dancing.

Country western!

Ooh, Clint Black, ruff!

Hey, what he got that I not got?

So, have you decided what your talent is going to be

'for the pageant yet?'

Yeah. Um...

I'll be doing a dramatic monologue

and right now I'm thinking Othello

or Soylent Green. Well, my own version of it.

You know, a lot of girls make a smooth transition

from pageants into acting.

Competing for the title of Minnesota's American.

Teen Princess sure was exciting

but I never could have won without my

Saint Paul pork products.

I've been enjoying Saint Paul pork products for years.

I grew up right next to these stockyards.

It's still the same family-run business

that Walter and Vera Pularski started in 1920

when they raised and slaughtered their first pig.

Oh, I just love Saint Paul pork products.

In fact, I love 'em so much.

I work here now!

Oh, help yourself.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

My talent will be an interpretive...

dance... while I sign.

"Through the Eyes of Love."

Yeah.

Well, see...

I have a dream

of spreading sign language

around the world.

Mom, will you be so kind...

Tammy Curry,

and, uh, I'm signing up for the pageant

'cause of scholarships and all.

This one's for varsity soccer.

I'm captain.

I run track, and right here,

I'm the new president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.

Love that one.

Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant?

Yeah. You bet I do.

I mean, maybe other people think

I can't win a beauty pageant

but other people didn't think I could beat out

Becky Leeman for president of the gun club either and I did.

I-It's just like Anthony Robbins says,

"I'm a winner. Nobody can stop me but me."

Well, you know, I think everybody's doing really well

considering the fact she was so young.

It's always hard to see the young ones called home.

Especially on an exploding thresher.

It's just so odd and gross.

You know, but sometimes it's hard to understand.

God's great plan.

But the show must go on.

I gotta get a hold of Ted and ask him if we can use that

barn light as a spot again.

- So you watch the Jell-O salad. - Okay?

You girls gonna sign up for the pageant this year?

I ain't gonna be in no goddamn pageant.

Look what happened to that dork-ass farm girl.

- Tammy Curry? - Yeah.

Everyone says this is a big accident?

She got iced because she wins everything

and this time someone didn't want her to win.

This pageant's like a Roach Motel.

Girls check in, but they don't check out.

Yeah, and they say smoking's bad for your health.

And... tendu, close.

Tendu, close.

Tendu, close, plie.

And repeat.

Tendu...

Suck in the bellies, girls!

And tuck in the tushes! Close those legs.

You look like a bunch of bowlegged cows.

Other side!

And tendu, close. Tendu, close.

Tendu, close, plie.

Yeah, you boys sure picked a good year.

If I was a betting woman and there was a line

on this in Vegas, I'd lay down ten to one

that it all comes down to Amber Atkins

and Becky Leeman.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

What a showdown this should be.

If Cain and Abel...

Ow! Oh, God!

That's so... so embarrassing.

Paging Dr. White. Dr. White...

My winning the Mount Rose

American Teen Princess Pageant really changed my life.

Amber does my hair once a week.

Well, it's the least I can do for the reigning Mount Rose

American Teen Princess.

- Oh, God. - What?

Oh, just a little snarl.

Shh. Don't tell.

What? Oh, my God.

Lights, camera, and me without a stitch of makeup on.

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary?

Who are you?

"Who are you?" Oh, Mary, you kill me.

She always says that.

It's a little game we play every week.

Same dippy little look on her face.

"Who are you? Who are you?"

Just like that.

It's me, Becky.

Mmm. And I brought your favorites.

Real nice, Becky. She's anorexic.

She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.

So beyond this pageant you must have, you know, certain dreams

and certain things you aspire to, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, I got dreams.

Sometimes I dream of winning.

I dream of getting out of Mount Rose

and being a big-time reporter like Diane Sawyer.

I mean, guys get out of Mount Rose all the time

for hockey scholarships or prison.

Yeah, 1963.

Her beauty worked against her when she started as a reporter

in Louisville, her hometown. Those were different times.

That's my mom.

Hey, Amber, did you get my smokes?

Oh, yeah. I'll get 'em in a sec.

- Aw, shit. - Oh, they're from Los Angeles.

They wanted to see my room and film me for their movie.

Yeah, well, if they ask you to take your top off

get the money first.

And go get my smokes!

- Hey, hey, you like it? - Uh...

- Open it. - This?

Yeah, yeah, the globe. Go on, pull on the North Pole there.

Here, watch.

Honey, this isn't the showroom.

See, this holds three full-size booze bottles.

Tape cassette comes out of Afghanistan.

- Mom. - Lester!

Mmm. Mmm. All right, all right.

How quickly they forget where this all comes from.

Taiwan.

That's enough, young lady.

I beg your pardon. Would you like a drink?

Impartial?

When I'm outside these walls, I am Gladys Leeman

president Civil Servettes, impartial as the day is long.

But I'm in my house now, and I gotta warn you

I'm wearing my wife apron and my mom hat

so I can safely say that I am the mother

of the most talented contestant Mount Rose has ever had.

Oh, gosh, you know, she's been singing and dancing

since she was just knee-high to a pig's eye.

Oh, yeah, she's damn near as good as, uh,

you know, that little, that black fellow

the one with the glass eye, the... the Candy Man, uh...

- Sammy Davis, Jr. - Yeah, yeah, the Jew.

Nice one, Dad. He's dead.

Yeah. Then we have the Judges' Interview.

And that's where each girl has a little 10-minute get-together

with the judges prior to the pageant.

Then we have the...

Hello, Tony.

Hey.

- Hey to the folks. - Yeah, all right.

Gladys, the Judges' Interview.

So you've, uh, you've judged a lot of pageants over the years?

No. No. No way. No.

Never judged a pageant before in my life.

Mnm-mnm.

No way.

Never been around young girls.

I mean, even if I was,

I mean, why would I want to be, you know?

I... I don't get off on that kind of thing.

That's really why you're asking, right?

Someone say somethin'?

Do you judge the pageant every year?

No, no, I've never judged nothin' before.

Harold, are we on Cops? Are we on Cops? Are we on Cops, Harold?

Shut up, Hank. This here's business.

Harold, Mom said not in the head!

Well, Mom's dead, so shut your flytrap.

I will if you shut your piehole.

Don't make me... don't make me kick you where the good Lord..

Don't make me split you where the good Lord...

- You want some of this! - No!

- So, are you excited? - Oh, you bet.

We're happier than the day Hankie got acquitted.

I get made a judge, then the furniture store hires us

to paint the whole damn thing.

We're gonna use the money

to get our mom a... a proper headstone

and to, uh, move her out to the cemetery.

Listen, guys, if you see anything you like

you just let me know because I happen to know the owner, huh?

So here we are.

My place of business, my little house of worship

the world's largest Conestoga wagon.

Uh, right here, we have a very attractive unit.

Farmers like that one.

Okay, showtime.

Hey, Tim, Carla, listen,

you two don't Jew me down too much on that dinette

I'll throw in a hutch for free, okay?

See, that's my specialty.

You don't pay less, I give you more.

The secret is... the hutch is included in the price.

Ain't that right, Jean?

Take a memo, sweetheart.

Five, six, seven and one.

Get that tempo right. Kick it!

Come on, kick it!

Oh, just watching the young girls.

Contestants, you know, like the rest of my friends and neighbors.

Are you getting her? The third one, the blond one.

Leave him alone, leave him alone. It's okay, it's okay.

Oh, it's just a camera I keep in the glove compartment

for, uh, car accidents. Insurance.

I mean, you guys got a camera and no one's accusing you of anything, right?

So, Brett, you want to go to the lake with me on Thursday?

Oh, actually, I got practice on Thursday.

Yeah, well, maybe Friday then.

A bunch of us were gonna go cow tippin'.

Uh, well, uh

I'm kind of busy on Friday.

- Hi. - Hi.

Give her your tray, Brett. You're holding up the line.

Give it to her.

Here, I-I'll take it. It's my job.

No. It's all right, I got it. Don't worry about it.

Well, you're supposed to put it in the...

Aw, man.

You got some lutefisk in your hair.

Then it must be Wednesday.

Lutefisk is codfish that's been salted

and soaked in lye for a week or so.

It's best with lots of butter.

Uh, I'm not really busy on Friday.

I was just saying that, you know?

- I know. - Well, uh...

if you wanted to do something...

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.

Oh, crap. I probably gotta work at the funeral home.

We're real busy this time of year.

Hunting season. Yeah.

Well, I'm... I'm cutting out of here early today

and do a little duck huntin'

but maybe I could call you tonight?

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah?

- Yeah. Fine. - All right, well...

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Amber.

Oh, God.

You don't think Becky saw you guys, do you?

Look, you shouldn't be in here.

It's cool. Doreen gave us hair nets.

No, listen. We shouldn't talk here.

Stop by my house tonight, okay?

Go.

Up every day at six.

Bacon and eggs...

Four kids from one to four.

Pretty soon there'll be one more... I.

- They take out her butt? - Oh, Jesus H. Christ.

Oh, are we on Cops again?

Okay, be quiet.

Hi.

It's just the guys that are, you know

making the movie about the pageant.

I told you all about 'em. This here's Loretta.

I tell Annette, I says, you talk to me during my stories

you might as well be talking to the wall.

- You guys want a beer? - No, thank you.

- Is Amber here? - Oh, no. You just missed her.

She got called down to the bone gardens.

She's in a hell of a mood today.

Say, you boys been to the Leemans'?

Shut it, Loretta.

If you have, you got all the pictures of the winner you need.

- Shut it. - Ow! Christ! It's true.

Loretta.

Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win is Amber.

Why don't you just paint a target on your ass?

Best damn tapper, the most smartest.

- Most smartest? - Yeah.

Oh, that's great. You're real educated, like.

"Most smartest.” Get a picture of that.

- Most smartest. - Most smartest.

Come on. Come on. I'm cutting you off and sending you home.

Excuse me, but I'm bragging up your kid here.

I know. Come on, let's go.

Amber's gonna be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.

They're making a movie here.

All right, they're making a movie.

What makes you think that Becky's going to win?

Why do I think Becky'll win? You're talking...

Ow! Don't pinch.

You're talking about the richest family in a small town.

It's front-page news when one of 'em takes a shit.

Oh, great.

Can one of you boys give me a ride home?

Don't fall for it. She lives two trailers down.

- So? Be real easy. - Go on home, Loretta.

- Come on. - Go on. Go on. The party's over.

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ on a cross!

Look, number one rule in a funeral home,

never sneak up on the living.

You never know who could have an embalming needle

or a skull saw in their hand.

Mr. Larson's son learned the hard way.

He's buried next to my grandpa.

Are you upset about Brett?

Upset about Brett?

Nah. Hazard of the trade.

I don't really have time for guys anyways.

It's weird, though.

He took it right between the eyes.

Don't often see that.

So, you know, Brett just got shot in the head.

He did? Well, hunting's dangerous.

So, anyways, my mom gave me this thirty-aught

for my 16th birthday.

Amber, I need Stella now.

The family's steaming like a cow pie in July.

Said she doesn't look nothin' like the picture they gave you.

Sorry. I just thought she might not want to meet her maker

looking like a cheap whore.

Well, this cheap whore is that family's loving mother.

Oh, the Clemens said to make him look

like he just came in from snowmobiling.

- Pink cheeks and... - Red nose and ears.

I know, I know.

Sorry I couldn't talk to you before in the cafeteria.

I was scared, okay?

I open my locker today after first period,

and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.

This was written on the back:

Oh, yeah, hell of a way to go, there.

After some thorough investigating

we determined that the, uh, Curry girl

must have been smoking and driving.

Well, yeah, Tammy liked to drive her dad's thresher

but, I mean...

I mean, she said the heavy vibration helped her think.

But I know for a fact Tammy only smoked after a good drive.

You ask me or anyone else who isn't scared to talk about it,

Tammy was murdered.

God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.

Amber!

If it's another stray bullet to the head

- I'm gonna need more caps. - You have to go home.

There's some kind of emergency at the trailer park.

Relax. That's my ma's code for bring home milk.

- And a carton of Luckys. - No. Loretta called.

There's been a fire.

Oh, my God.

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Mom! Mom!

God! Mom! Mom!

Hey, hey, hey! You're family?

Oh, no, she's just screaming "Mom, Mom"

because she's got Tourette's. She's Annette's kid, dipshit.

- Is Mom okay? - She's alive, sweetie.

- Where is she? - She's right over there.

Mom! Mom, I'll be right behind you in the hearse, okay?

Don't let that worry you, Annette!

So, uh, doctor, is this sort of an unusual injury?

Oh, yeah, yeah, this was a doozie.

Right now our chief concern is to stabilize Annette here

and then in surgery

remove this.

Oh, God.

Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.

Ruined a brand-new pair of Lee Press-Ons.

Well, I sat down to have a beer, and kablooey.

Next thing I know,

something blows through my kitchen window

and I'm ass-up in somebody's flower bed.

Hey, ass-wipe, quit dicking around with the camera.

Just put another book under it.

Dude, don't say "ass-wipe."

Mom's got the window open. We gotta hurry up, though.

Because we only got three frickin' minutes left on the battery, 'kay?

- All right, ready. - One, two...

One, two, three!

Whoal!

- Shit! - Let's get out of here!

I shoved your tap shoes in my panties

before I was blown out of the house.

You go find the guy who cut 'em off.

He'll give 'em to you so you can practice for the pageant.

Oh, Mom.

- About that... - Yeah.

I... oh, my God!

Oh, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

She's pregnant!

Oh, Amber, wait!

Come back here. Mommy wants to talk to you

and then kill you!

Annette, why don't you see if there's any more beer

left in that can and relax a bit?

- I'm quitting the pageant. - You're what?

- Oh my...! I'm quitting the pageant. - I heard you.

I was just trying to scare you into changing your mind.

Oh, for Christ sake, Amber, the woman clung to your tap shoes

while flying through the air like a goddamn lawn dart.

I know, I know.

Hey, Little Miss Sad Pants and her friend Serious Sally.

How about some nice cool mints

to turn those frowns upside down?

Do you think a nice cool mint would help

if I shoved your head up your ass?

So what do I say?

Simple, just say...

Mom, I know you sacrificed everything...

Everything.

Relationships, dreams,

your tummy, ass, and thighs all to bring me into this world,

all so I could have tap lessons and be in the pageant,

the same one you were in, but you know what?

I'm quitting.

There. Easy as pie.

Oh, my God. I am so dead.

Yeah, you betcha.

Go on, get out! Next one in here

without a pack of Luckys in her hand dies!

Yeah, sure. You have a super day, too.

Get out!

Mom, look. Don't talk.

First of all, I'm not pregnant, okay?

I am not letting go until you tell me what's up.

Amber, I am reaching a point where I would kill someone

for the nicotine under their fingernails.

- You hear me, Loretta? - Okay, okay.

Um, yesterday I got this picture,

um, so I'm thinking about

um, you know, I'm gonna quit the pageant.

- What? - Ow! Ow, mom!

Oh, excuse us, guys. Would you excuse us for a moment?

Go on, thank you. Loretta, get out of here!

You too. Go on, get out.

- Mom, what's your problem? - What's my problem?

You sit your skinny little ass down here.

Nice, Ma. Real nice. Nice mouth you got there.

But I'm not going through this again.

You? You're not going through it again?

You know, you're not the one that knows how Jiffy Pop feels, missy.

Oh, come on, Mom, first the picture of Tammy,

then Brett Clemmens, and now this?

- It's scary. - Scary? Let me tell you scary.

Look here. Look at me.

You wanna look like you've been rode hard

and put away wet when you're my age? I'm a lifer here.

Best thing I got to look forward to is end up

in some decent raisin ranch where they change me twice a day.

Honest to God, honey.

If I had a to do over.

I'd start walking out of this town

the minute I could take my first step.

You know, practically the only thing I wouldn't do

different is have you.

God, I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.

It's me.

I just don't want this to be the thing that you'd do over.

Now, this pageant's your ticket out of here

and I know you can win.

Come here.

- Oh, I love you much. - I love you much.

And you're gonna win. She's gonna win.

Isn't she gonna win, Loretta?

- You bet. - You'll see.

- Hell no, she ain't quitting. - No.

Mom said if I did she'd look up my dad and marry him.

So has your mom kept your dad's life a secret?

No, she never hid the fact

that my dad picked his career over us.

What did she used to say?

Once a carny, always a carny.

Mom still cries when she sees a tilt-a-whirl

or a fat lady in a tube top.

The Atkins fire.

Foul play? Shit, no.

After some extensive investigating

we determined that it must have been bad wiring.

Bad wiring?

That's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.

Ow! What, they have a sale on dull needles at K-Mart?

I just need one more do-over.

Dream on, dream on, beauty queen.

The prettiest girl we've ever seen.

There's a story in our town.

Of the prettiest girl around.

Golden hair and eyes of blue I.

How those eyes could flash at you.

How those eyes could flash at you.

Now, we need to remember the three most important parts

to give a really good interview.

- Okay, everybody. Listen up. - They are...

Number one.

Number one.

American Teen Princesses

do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.

Excuse me, "Miss Penthouse '98," put your knees together.

I could drive a boat show in there.

Ankles together. Hands resting lightly on your laps.

Good. Sit up straight. Smile.

All right, number two.

The judges are just as nervous as you are.

So are you about ready to start the judging,

start the interview there?

I... I guess I could answer that.

Uh, yeah, we're ready.

So we should probably get the young girls in here, then.

You know, to... to start the interviews.

If you could be any tree in the woods

what kind of tree would you be?

Dogwood.

Bonsai.

Green?

I can be any kind of tree you want.

Just give me a minute to warm up.

One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose,

a solid Christian trunk,

and long, leafy branches to provide shade

for handicapped kids on a hot summer day.

You guys know the retard's pants are open?

I don't... I don't wanna see that.

Who would you pick to be the president, dead or alive?

Uh, Emperor Hirohito.

Brett Favre.

My mother, 'cause she could solve world hunger

with one of her blue-ribbon rhubarb pies,

create world peace with one of her prayers,

and still find time to look beautiful

for my dad, Lester Leeman.

Do you like to swim?

Oh, yeah, I love to swim.

When I was in New York, I met Greg Louganis

at one of my brother's shows.

Yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah!

The tard's pants are completely off.

- Close up shop. Close up shop. - Ta-da!

Close up shop.

- Are you Amber Atkins? - Yes, yes, I am.

Thank you. Hello.

Name and spell all the United States

in alphabetical order.

Seriously?

Um, yep.

Well, um...

Alabama.

A-L-A-B-A-M-A.

Alaska.

A-L-A-S-K-A.

Arizona.

A-R-1-Z-O-N-A.

West Virginia.

W-E-S-T V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A.

Wisconsin.

W-I-S-C-O-N-S-I-N.

Wyoming. W-Y-O-M-I-N-G.

Uh, well, okay.

With two weeks until the pageant.

I was practicing my talent,

finishing my costume,

brushing up on current events,

and running 18 miles a day

on about 400 calories.

I was ready.

Uh, girls, couple of things. All right, very important.

Uh, Gladys wants us to all go in show order today.

All right, so very important, don't forget that.

Oh, yeah, really nervous.

It's been about two months.

I haven't told my boyfriend yet. How did you know?

I meant nervous about the pageant.

Oh, nervous about the pageant.

Yeah.

There are 8,000 sequins

and 1,500 beads on the skirt alone.

My mom had Mrs. Lopez make it.

She's one of my father's many Mexican workers.

He lifts them from the poverty they know in Mexico. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, all my mom's clothes melted onto mine.

Forming, like, this big, polyester meteor in our closet you know,

but in some kind of weird miracle

our neighbor boy, Kenny Hansen,

found my tap costume on the roof of their trailer

while he was setting coon traps for his dad.

Here's the weird part. It was still on the hanger.

This is my lucky bolt.

And they think that it fell from a DC-10.

The doctor said I was really lucky that the flat side hit me.

'Cause otherwise it could have gone right through my head.

I know, I know.

Gives me the willies, too. I could...

Amber...

can we switch numbers?

My cousin just had a deaf baby, and I get to go see it.

I need to go first.

Oh, yeah, sure. Eight's my lucky number anyway.

Oh, Diane Sawyer has number eight at her local.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I can see what's mine now.

Finding out what's true.

Since I found you.

Looking through the eyes.

Of love...

I'm gonna be honest.

This is a hard time for me

because this is the time in the pageant

where you realize that tomorrow night

all but one of these girls is gonna walk away a loser.

To be...

It's just really hard for me to know

what that would feel like.

It can't feel good.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Don't touch her. Don't touch her.

Don't move the body. Don't touch the body.

She could be paralyzed from the neck down

and you wouldn't know it. Someone call 911.

Don't say anything 'cause it might be

a hypnotic suggestion.

Don't you get it? I was supposed to go first.

I was contestant number one.

That light was meant for my head.

If Jenelle hadn't have wanted to go first...

I owe my life to that deaf baby.

Hey, that was your mom.

She wanted you to have this.

- Really, Loretta? - You bet.

My mom wanted me to have this?

Oh, shut up. I thought it might help you get some sleep.

Loretta, never have kids.

Well, God love you for thinking I still could.

Your ma did want you to have this, though,

since your other one got toasted and all.

Oh, my God! It's just like Diane Sawyer's!

- Yeah? - Oh!

Of course, it's not a size ten.

Diane was a little hippy back then.

- Not our girl. - Oh, no.

I'm gonna be number one.

I'm gonna be number one.

- Yay! - Pain meds.

Hope this thing ends before they do.

We have excitement. Big excitement.

Go, Molly! Go.

Leslie Miller kicks Teen Princess ass!

Whoo! Go, Muskies!

I'm gonna be number one

I'm gonna be number one.

Oh, gotta go.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, my.

Is that for me or my gown?

Thank you.

Welcome to the Mount Rose American Teen Princess Pageant.

While every contestant you'll meet here tonight

is special and unique,

they all have one thing in common.

They are all proud to be an American.

This land is your land.

This land is my land.

From California.

To the New York island.

From the redwood forest...

I chose Mount Rushmore because to live in a country

where you can take an ugly old mountain

and put faces on it, faces of great Americans

who did so much to make our country super great

well, that makes me, Rebecca Leeman,

proud to be an American.

I'm Lisa Swenson, and I am proud to be an American

because living in a country where Lady Liberty

always keeps her flame burning bright.

She always keeps her flame burning bright.

It makes me proud to be an American.

God.

The Washington Monument.

On , yeah, baby!

Makes me, Leslie Miller,

proud to be an American.

Living in a country where no matter who you are

or where you come from, you can grow up

and become what you've always dreamed of

makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.

Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard,

proud to be an Asian-American.

My uncle Phil's world's-largest ball of twine

in Bundy, Minnesota

it makes me proud I'm American.

I kind of misunderstood the assignment.

A couple of notes from yesterday's dress rehearsal.

Gladys says a couple of youse are getting sexy with your hips.

During the physical fithess routine.

Oh, my God, my tap costume's gone.

Amber, we are not putting on our talent costume.

You need to put on your physical fitness outfit.

All right? Now, let's shake a leg, ladies!

It was here before the opening number.

Wait.

What am I saying?

I should just ask you, Becky.

Where is it?

What?

You heard me. Where is it?

If you're getting at something, you'd better just say it.

I just did.

Well, then you'd better be willing to back it up

because you're talking crazy.

You bring me on some of that

snotty attitude, Becky. Bring it on!

Well, as my mother says at Sunday dinner, come and get it!

I'll get it, I'll get it, all right! I might even take seconds!

If you want seconds, I'll make sure you get them!

Give me your stringy ass!

I think that you boys should leave while they're changing.

The girls are changing. I think you should leave now.

All right, let's go.

- I hate her! - I know. We all do. Let's go.

Let's give a big round of applause

for last year's American Teen Princess

in her farewell performance.

Who could ever forget her lip-synching

to "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester?

And here she is, Mary Johanson.

Don't cry out loud.

Just keep it inside.

And learn how to hide your feelings.

Fly high and proud.

And if you should fall.

Remember you almost.

Had it all.

All right, why don't we pick up the stepladders, all right,

for the physical fithess number? There we go.

- They're wet. - What?

My hands are stuck.

I'm kind of dizzy from the fumes.

Okay, you know what, girls, why don't you keep them away

from you so they don't get on the outfits.

All right. There we go. Let's form a line.

Okay?

What kind of a mental retard

paints stepladders right before a pageant?

- I'm the judge! - Oh, no.

Back, you, back, you cuddly retard.

Go, Hank!

It's okay.

It's okay. My dress is fine.

All right, so...

our other judges are, uh,

Jean Kangas

and John Dough.

Opening number looked good,

solid, but now you're gonna have to actually dance.

So, here, put a dab of this on the old choppers, ladies.

It'll help you smile

and when they're looking at your teeth, God willing,

they won't be looking at your feet.

Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga

I know you can't control yourself any longer.

Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga

I know you can't control yourself any longer.

Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga

I know you can't control yourself any longer.

Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger.

Don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat.

Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga.

- Hurry up. - Sorry, Becky.

Okay, guys, I think we all got some. Just take it off.

Here, I didn't...

I think that went really well.

Listen, you guys, don't go in the bathroom.

Tess blew chunks all over.

She ate a really large dinner.

Yeah, well, maybe she should've shoved that lucky bolt

down her throat for dessert.

And the winner of the spirit award goes to...

I'd like to take you back 17 years,

when a peanut farmer was in the White House,

a group of boys calling themselves Queen

topped the record charts

and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood

and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

Thank you very much.

You know, 17 years ago, I won the talent contest

by sewing these culottes.

Butterick pattern seven-four-three-two.

And can you believe it? They still fit.

She had a big ass then, she's got a big ass now.

Our next contestant is ready, so let's welcome her,

Tess Weinhaus.

Yeah, it's just gone.

I mean

I just wanna tap, you know?

I'm not saying I'm the best

or that I'd even win, but...

shouldn't I at least get a chance to compete?

The beagle is known

for its howl.

I just wanted my mom to see me dance.

Amber, Amber, come here.

Please, Ms. K, I got so much Vaseline on my teeth

I'm gonna be smiling for a year.

No. Here. It's nothing special,

but talent like yours doesn't need to hide behind sequins.

Oh, Ms. K. Oh, look.

But none can compare

to the greatest bark of all

the German shepherd.

Aw, hell, go out there and kick some Leeman ass.

Oh, not so hard, sweetie. I heard something snap.

Roll him over!

Lay him flat!

Pin his shoulders!

To the mat!

Roll him over! Lay him flat!

Pin their shoulders to the mat!

Go...

Muskies! Yeah!

Fade in.

The year... 2024.

Planet Earth.

The question on everyone's mind?

What is... Soylent Green?

Mrs. Clark, why are you doing this to me?

Why are you pretending you don't know what's going on?

Amber, I'm sorry. I really am. But you know the rules.

All talent costumes have to be okayed

by Gladys before the pageant.

But doesn't someone taking your costume

so you can't compete overrule that rule?

Amber, I'm sorry. I don't make up the rules.

Oh, this... this is bullshit!

Amber Atkins, that is not American Teen Princess language.

Good, because this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant.

This is... this is...

this is Nazi Germany!

Where do they get this stuff?

- Mrs. Leeman. - Mm-hmm.

Um, I'm wearing this tap costume.

Um, I'm gonna do my talent tonight.

Oh, really? I don't think so.

Amber, I hate to be the bearer of bad news

but you know the rules state that a costume has to be okayed

at least a week in advance.

And, honey, I just couldn't let you go out there on the stage

in that skimpy little thing. We've got kids in the audience.

I hope you understand.

But you, I mean...

It's not my fault. Please.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I know the truth, that's why.

I must say.

Soylent Green

is people!

Now, that's my cue.

Oh, Amber.

When you walk in the room.

You can hear his chin drop.

Keepin' rhythm like a well-made Swiss watch.

What kinda time did love tell?

How do you do what you do so well?

Go-go boots and...

I just wanted to compete.

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe she said...

- Amber. - What?

- Here. - Here? What?

My jacket.

Take it 'cause, you know, I got my costume okayed a month ago

before the pageant. You can wear it. Come on.

- No. - Put it on. Here.

Oh, wow. Lisa, I don't think you should do this.

They're never going to let you perform naked. I asked.

S Hut up, you guys.

- Listen, Amber... - No.

I'm not gonna win. Okay?

And let's be honest, a family only needs one Liza

and Peter's got much better legs than me, okay?

- Your parents will kill you. - Ah, come on.

I love them, but you know they only had me because

Peter needed that kidney.

Molly, thank you.

Now, it is with overwhelming pride

that I introduce to you contestant number six

who is also the president of her class two years running,

an honor roll student, and the new president

of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rebecca Ann Leeman!

You know what?

The rumors are true.

I do have a special fella in my life

and if nobody minds,

I'd like to sing a little song

just for him.

You're just too good.

To be true.

Can't take my eyes.

Off of you.

Bullshit.

You'd be like heaven.

To touch.

I wanna hold you.

So much.

At long last.

Love has arrived.

And I thank God.

I'm alive.

You're just too good.

To be true.

Can't take my eyes.

Off of you.

I love you baby.

And if it's quite all right

I need you baby.

To warm the lonely night

I love you baby.

Trust in me when I say...

Lisa, Lisa, come on, you're next.

Nah, I quit.

And since my costume was okayed before the pageant a month ago

I'm giving it to Amber.

...love you baby.

Let me love you.

Oh, boy, I'd hate to follow that act.

The voice of an angel, that one.

Uh, I have just been notified that contestant number seven,

Lisa Swenson, has dropped out of the pageant.

I know, but these things happen

and we still have one more contestant, number eight.

Amber Atkins.

Thank you. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Well... the time has finally come

where we say good-bye to the judges

so that they can go off and make the toughest decision

of their lives.

So, who gets the crown?

How are you gonna figure this all out?

Well, you know, we'll, uh...

compare scores and figure out a winner

'cause, I mean, we don't know who the winner is yet.

I mean, I-I have no idea who, uh, Jean picked

or, uh, Harold.

- No. - No idea.

I know who the winner is.

I know who the winner, Harold.

I know who the winner is.

That's it, that's it. You shut your goddamn mouth.

You shut your goddamn mouth, you goddamn retard!

I've had your shit for two weeks now!

Come on.

Back off, college boy! Now listen!

Hankie can't help it if he's born crazier than a shit-house rat!

Oh, for fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?

Nice, John. That's real nice.

You know the baby-sitter's dead.

So... anyone talk to Jenelle lately?

Oh, yeah. I brought her some flowers this morning.

Yeah. She's in the room next to my mom.

- Oh, she's super happy. - She's happy?

Oh, the blow to her head made her deaf.

Oh, God.

- Isn't that great? - Oh, that's great.

She's so happy. Yeah.

Jesus Christ!

What are they doing, letting the retard count the votes?

Ladies, it's time.

Welcome back, everybody and judges.

Oh, gosh!

We are so darn close to that moment

we have all been waiting for.

And now, our second runner-up

and winner of a 50-dollar scholarship

for the vo-tech of her choice is...

Leslie Miller!

You rule, Leslie!

Envelope, please.

Our next prize, a 75-dollar scholarship,

will be awarded to the first runner-up.

The first runner-up is...

Amber Atkins.

And now, finally the moment

that I know I've been waiting for.

With a scholarship of 500 dollars

courtesy Leeman Furniture, and an all-expense-paid trip

next weekend, when she will be competing for the title

of Sarah Rose Cosmetics

Minnesota American Teen Princess...

Our new.

Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...

contestant number...

You know what? It's my daughter,

Rebecca Ann Leeman!

Yeah! Yeah! Whoo-whoo!

Oh, thank you so much.

Bitch.

Here she is.

Our Mount Rose

American Teen Princess.

Look at her.

Doesn't she look fine?

Our heart swells big.

As we look at her.

Our Mount Rose

American Teen Princess.

- One, two, three. - Oh, God!

- You got her there? - Yeah, I got her.

We was robbed. We was robbed.

It's okay. They're just giving her a ride back.

She almost blew out of Loretta's pickup on the way over.

Thank God for bungee cords.

Hey! Hey, I got second runner-up.

I got second place.

- Third. - Huh?

- Third. - No, I got... Bye.

Bye.

Are you disappointed about not winning?

Yeah, well, no.

At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.

I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.

Oh, stop. Let's go home.

Come on. I'll let you drive.

- Yeah. - Okay?

- I hope it was worth it. - No, Dad, it was worth it.

- Amber should've won. - Well, I tell you one thing.

Peter never would've pulled a shenanigan like that.

Well, you know what, Dad?

You know what? Peter's gay.

Gay!

What?

So, Becky, how does it feel?

Oh, well,

I mean, it's all happening so fast.

I'm so excited.

I mean, I won.

I'm the winner, and I'm going to state.

She's the winner, and we're going to state.

What a surprise!

Gladys Leeman's finally gonna go to state

and she'll probably ride on Becky's ass

all the way to nationals, too.

Wonder how she's gonna fix that one.

Are you ladies going to the parade tomorrow?

Nah.

I think I'm, like due or somethin'.

Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh, boys?

Do you need help with the cooler?

Yeah, see, Gladys had me get that special-made from Mexico

in case Becky won.

You know, I do a lot of business down there,

always offer to pay them off in tacos.

Oh, they love that.

Keep on moving through.

Let's get this straight right now.

We wouldn't have been late at all if not for you.

I want to have the big bag of little doughnuts.

You get nothing, Hank.

I want to eat a big bag of little doughnuts.

There's your paint can.

The next time you drink window cleaner

I'm just gonna leave it in ya.

Harold...

Harold!

My pants are...

Harold.

You rule!

Rebecca Ann Leeman. What's goi...

You are the one that wanted this. Now get up there.

I don't care if you have to ride

this thing sidesaddle like a horse.

- Get up there. - It smells funny.

- Like gasoline. - Oh, for Christ's sake.

Everything smells like that in Mexico.

- My dress will reek, Mother. - You listen to me now, missy.

This thing cost your dad a pretty penny

so you get your ass up there.

And show me some teeth.

Love you, baby.

You rule!

Stop it! You're a, you're a bad kid!

Amber, if I die from these fumes,

you make sure and cover up the hickeys on my neck?

Oh, yeah.

And the bite marks on my ears.

Yeah, sure.

And I know it won't show, but on my inner thighs...

Yes, Leslie, okay.

Help! Hank, help!

Hank, help! Help!

Help!

Hello.

Okay, I designed the float, you know.

And, um, what's gonna happen here

is that this is going to look...

like a glistening lake beneath the swan.

- Gladys. - What?

We need more bars.

- This is... What? - Enid ate a whole pan.

I swear to God, she can't do anything by herself.

Oh, yeah, this is exactly how I pictured it.

Choking on swan gas.

Oh, great.

Oh, my God.

Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, my God.

Oh, crap. Oh, crap.

- Stop. - Leslie!

Oh, my baby!

Oh, my God! The swan ate my baby!

Becky, baby, get up!

We gotta go to state!

Gladys, Gladys, let her go. It's okay. She's not getting up.

We got to... Get off of me, you cow!

What are you looking at, huh?

A whole goddamned town full of losers,

that's what I'm looking at!

And you...

You piece of shit trailer trash!

That should've been you in there!

Damn it, I should've killed you when I had a chance

just like your little friend!

Oh, Tammy was one crispy critter up on that thresher!

Ding! Fries are up!

Gladys, stop it! Stop it!

Take it easy.

Let go of me!

Oh, my God, it's Cops.

He sells reproductions!

His furniture's as fake as my orgasms.

Hey, man, how you doing?

Hey. What's up, Scott?

You remember Bruce, right?

Bruce, that's Roy. Roy, Bruce.

And that's why, dear Lord,

it's with such great sorrow

we turn over to you this young woman,

whose dream of riding on a giant swan

has brought about her untimely death.

Maybe it's your way of telling us

to buy American.

As acting president

of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes,

it is my duty to make you Mount Rose

American Teen Princess.

Turn around for the picture. You look good.

- What is wrong with you? - I don't know.

I just didn't wanna win like this.

You stop right there.

You are a good person.

Good things happen to good people.

- Really? - No.

It's pure bullshit, sweetie.

You're lucky as hell, so you might as well enjoy it.

- Let's get you a root-beer float. - Okay.

You guys want some shots? I'm buying.

I never liked her, but she didn't deserve

to die in the belly of a swan like that.

The whole thing's just kinda sad and lame at the same time.

This came for you, sweetie.

- Hi, guys. - It's from the state!

- Oh, my God! - Yeah. Open it up.

Oh, it's all the stuff I get to do.

- Okay. - Okay, let's see.

Um, ooh, we get a personal consultation

with a makeup artist.

Um, oh, there'll be a choreographer to the stars.

- Choreographer. - To the stars. Oh, God!

Oh, my God. No way. Oh, my God.

What? For Christ's sakes, spit it out, Amber.

We'll be staying overnight at

the Airport Howard Johnson!

Right by the airport!

Oh, Amber!

God, that's so great!

Oh, crap. I only got four weeks to practice.

- Let's go, let's go! Right now! - I'm gonna call your mom.

- All right, say, "Airport hotel." - Airport hotel!

I got it!

Yeah, why don't you take a picture? It lasts longer.

- Loretta, don't do that. - All right. I'm sorry.

- They're just starin'. - I gotta work with these girls.

Okay, sweetie. I'm sorry.

And you are...

Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

Funny, you don't look dead.

- Okay, ladies! - Girls, come on.

Ladies, listen up. I'm Colleen Douglas.

And this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macy.

Hi, there.

And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess state board.

That's right. We're also the cofounders

of the Minnesota Modeling Academy.

Yep, and you can get your applications

over here at the tiki bar

and we will waive the 50-dollar application fee

if you list a friend and put down her address.

- Okay? - That's right.

So... you're cute.

Oh, I see you're married.

If you catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.

All right? Open wide.

Oh, God, you got that on the first try. Come here.

Oh, you are cute.

Okay, due to budgetary cutbacks...

And the fact that the nationals

didn't cough up a goddamn nickel.

You won't be staying overnight.

So everybody pay attention.

You've got about eight hours till showtime.

Remember to count, ladies.

Cross on the left and arms up on eight.

On the beat, on the beat, on the beat!

Keep on. Keep moving it. Come on, Miss Forest Lake.

Take that stick out of your ass or I will!

All right. Very nice. Now, go.

Come on. Mom's out here in the front row. Come on. Sell it!

That's very nice. Remember, figure eights, ladies.

I can sum up

our entire philosophy

with this glass.

I can look at it and say

it's half full.

Which in the beauty pageant biz means,

"Where the hell is my waiter?"

- Marco! - Polo!

Stop with that friggin'

Marco Polo or I'll come over there

and rip your fat, little heads off!

Miss Burnsville, you're up next.

I have a little secret weapon of my own.

Shh. Don't tell anyone.

Oh, I don't eat shellfish.

Ma always says, "Don't eat anything

that can carry its house around with it.

Who knows the last time it's been cleaned?"

I've done about 35 pageants.

Wow.

I guess my most memorable one

would have to be Miss Teen America 1995

'cause it was in Vegas.

And my roommate did Adam West.

Oh, she said he was so horny.

Oh, my God.

It's getting late have you seen my mates

I should just go home now.

Okay, real good. One suggestion, sweetie.

Why don't you hike up your skirt a little bit then, okay?

Next!

Oh, oh, my God. I gotta go!

Oh, you better do something about those nerves, sweetie.

Thirty million people aren't gonna wait for you

while you run to the john.

That's true.

Will somebody get a mop and a bucket?

Today, a beauty pageant turned ugly.

Did I win?

Honey, if I was a good lover...

Oh, for crap sake.

A salmonella dysentery outbreak

now traced to improperly refrigerated shellfish

was believed to be the cause.

Oh, my God. Do you think they heard us?

Oh, for Christ's sake! Call an ambulance!

An ambulance? Call a priest, for Christ's sake!

Joining us now is David Richardson,

a member of a documentary crew filming the pageant.

He was there when tragedy struck.

Fuckin' beauty queens blowin' chunks everywhere.

I've... I've never seen anything like it before, and...

I live in LA.

Hey, Ed. That's our sound guy.

Could you tell us anything about the controversy?

Is there a controversy here? Has there been sabotage?

Wait a minute. Now, while we haven't ruled out sabotage

from neighboring state pageants...

Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota.

- Yeah, that's right. - Ohio.

- That bitch from Wisconsin. - All right then.

The important thing is we have a winner!

- Yes, we do. - Okay.

The Minnesota Modeling Academy is proud to present...

Along with Sarah Rose Cosmetics...

Amber Atkins...

The new Minnesota American Teen Princess!

That's Amber Atkins. That's right. From Mount Rose.

Amber, Amber, how do you feel?

Well, I... I feel like I need to take a shower.

Honey, is this the best day of your life?

Yeah. I wish my mom was here, though.

- You can wave... wave hi to her. - Hi, Mom.

Hey, you hear that?

Hi, monkey.

I got some.

Uh-huh. No, no, no. Gosh, no.

You know, um, I still don't wanna be on camera.

Um, I just want to say

that little bitch better watch her back

at the nationals

'cause I am making friends on the inside.

Yeah. Darn good friends.

Friends who have friends on the outside.

Get your sweet ass off the phone, Cinnamon.

Gotta go.

Oh, yeah. I... I... I just can't believe it.

I'm Minnesota's American Teen Princess.

Our baby's going to nationals. Lincoln, Alabama, look out!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

I'm gonna be on TV just like Diane Sawyer.

- Annette, just use your hand. - They told me to practice.

I did it.

Okay. Ready?

Here's the signal I'm gonna give mom when I'm on TV.

My little Carol Burnett.

Here she is,

Minnesota's American Teen Princess and soon to be

the next America's American Teen Princess,

our little Amber.

So after Frank dusts the crops, he's taking her

to Lincoln, Alabama.

Amber! Amber! Amber!

Beautiful dreamer.

Wake unto me.

Starlight and dewdrops.

Are waiting for thee.

Beautiful dreamer.

Queen of my song.

List while I woo thee.

With soft melody.

Beautiful dreamer.

Awake.

Unto me.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day.

And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it.

- Love is all around. - No need to fake it.

- You can have the town. - Why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big.

And girl, this time you're all alone.

Come on out, you little, blond piece of trailer-park trash!

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

We're here in the sixth hour

of a shootout between...

This is Amber Atkins reporting live

from the Food Shack for KRLH News.

One of our reporters has just been shot.

Paramedics are working on her right now...

I'm Peter Atchison.

And I'm Amber Atkins.

For WAZB News, goodnight.

Goodnight.

You're the one most likely to succeed.

Just be sure to keep your head.

'Cause girl, you know that's all you need.

Everyone around adores you.

Don't give up, the world is waiting for you.

- Love is all around. - No need to waste it.

- You can have the town. - Why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

Owl.

I want a girl I can take home to mother.

And introduce to my sister and my brother.

Take her around and meet my uncle and my aunt.

She can do what the coolest girls can't.

I want a girl that's hip.

I want a girl that's hip.

I want a girl that's hip.

But not that hip.

I want a girl that's hip.

I want a girl that's hip.

I want a girl that's hip.

But not that hip.

Not that hip.

Ooh ooh hoo hoo.

Ooh ooh hoo hoo.

Yeah.

Oh, she.

No she doesn't like her body.

Body, body.

And hides it.

All underneath the sheets.

And she says.

- Oh it's all right. - You're watching over me.

You don't have to fight.

Aah ah-ah aye.

- No not tonight. - You're watching over me.

You don't have to.

She says.

She don't, she don't, she don't like it.

No she don't, no she don't, no she don't.

She don't, she don't, she don't like it.

Why you always wearing nothing but your skin, kid? I.

It's not that I.

Am shy.

I just don't like it, like it, like it.

Why does this love always have to come to us?

Always have to come to us?

- Oh it's all right. - You're watching over me.

You don't have to fight.

- No not tonight. - You're watching over me.

You don't have to.

She says.

They pulled in just behind the bridge.

He laid her down, he frowned.

Oh gee, my life's a funny thing, am I still too young?

He kissed her then and there.

She took his ring, took his baby.

It took him minutes, took her nowhere.

Heaven knows she'd have taken anything I.

All night.

She wants a young American.

Young American, young American.

She wants the young American.

All night.

She wants a young American.

Do you remember President Clinton?

Do you remember the bills you have to pay?

Or even yesterday?

You ain't a pimp and you ain't a hustler.

A pimp's got a Cadi, and a lady got a Chrysler.

Black's got respect and white's got his soul train.

Mama's got cramps and look at your hands now

I heard the news today, oh boy

I got a suite and you got defeat.

And ain't there a man who can say no more?

And ain't there a woman I can sock on the jaw?

And ain't there a child I can hold without judging?

And ain't there a pen that can write before they die?

Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?

And ain't there one damn song.

That can make me break down and cry?