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1
00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:03,774
* Ooh.
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:05,644
Christine Campbell?
Yes.
3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,183
I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm Officer Johnson.
4
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:08,578
May I talk to you
for a moment?
5
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,809
Officer Johnson?
6
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,584
(laughing):
Oh, my God.
7
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,423
Are you kidding me?
8
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,618
I... gosh, I can't believe
Barb did this.
9
00:00:17,651 --> 00:00:19,721
This is my birthday present.
10
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:23,663
I was going to send her one,
11
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,661
you know, for her 40th,
but, uh...
12
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,203
(laughs)
...I chickened out.
13
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,329
This won't take too long.
14
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,134
Ooh, all business.
15
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,496
(laughs)
I like that.
16
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,504
All right, come on in,
Officer...
17
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:37,806
(laughing):
...Johnson.
18
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,612
Okay, so, um, where
would you like me?
19
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,154
Should I sit
20
00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:47,679
or is, is that
too package level?
21
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,675
(laughing)
22
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,448
Are you okay, ma'am?
'Cause you seem pretty...
23
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,486
You think I'm pretty?
Thank you.
24
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,292
I was going to say
"pretty drunk."
25
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:57,794
Oh.
26
00:00:57,825 --> 00:00:59,625
There's been a series
of break-ins in the neighborhood
27
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:01,130
and a couple of cars
have been stolen.
28
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,862
Ooh, will you protect me?
29
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,696
I'm a little bit scared.
30
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,143
Yeah, I'm a little scared
myself.
31
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,670
Oh, are those handcuffs for me?
32
00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:16,542
We're getting close
to that.
33
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,505
Hey.
34
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,317
What's happening?
35
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,279
What's a cop doing here?
36
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:27,155
He's my birthday
stripper.
37
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:30,485
Oh, God, you sent yourself
a stripper?
38
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:33,234
No, you sent me a stripper.
39
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,631
I did not.
40
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,733
Oh.
Oh.
41
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,226
Yeah, I've been going
around the neighborhood
42
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,438
making people aware they need
43
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:42,769
to keep an extra eye
on security.
44
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,673
Up until now,
it's been pretty easy.
45
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:46,905
Oh, my-- oh, I'm just--
I'm incredibly embarrassed.
46
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,910
I-I thought that
you were a stripper,
47
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,682
but, you know, I mean,
that's a compliment, really.
48
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:52,912
Well, thank you.
49
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,816
For the record,
you could be a hooker.
50
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,889
Thank you.
51
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:06,658
Oh, Barb, what
am I going to do?
52
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:09,304
There is a prowler
in my neighborhood.
53
00:02:09,330 --> 00:02:10,660
Well, first, you're going
to have to come up
54
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,268
with a better word
than "prowler."
55
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:19,212
Makes it sound like you're being
stalked by the Hamburglar.
56
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,610
All right, fine, a bandit.
57
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,482
The point is I am scared.
58
00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:25,911
Okay, I have never had to deal
with anything like this before.
59
00:02:25,946 --> 00:02:27,846
What are you
talking about?
60
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:31,621
I thought your neighborhood had
a Peeping Tom two years ago.
61
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,222
He wouldn't look at me.
62
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,922
Well, I'm sure
you're pretty safe here, too.
63
00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:39,527
The bandit will take
one look at this place,
64
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:43,660
think it's already been
vandalized, and move on.
65
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:44,927
No, the point is
66
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,265
that I am
the perfect target, okay?
67
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,641
I mean, it's like the
beginning of a horror film:
68
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:52,340
a young, beautiful ingenue
living alone...
69
00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:53,813
Inside the body of
a crazy old lady.
70
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,841
Okay, stop it!
71
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:58,976
You are making fun of me and I
am really unprepared for this.
72
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,652
I don't have an alarm.
73
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,251
My windows don't even
close all the way.
74
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:05,721
My doors are secured
by locks I bought
75
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,723
from a guy in a van.
76
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:09,585
I mean, they're
called Mister Locks
77
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:12,733
and they're supposed to be
almost as good as Master Locks,
78
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,260
but they're not,
Barb, they're not.
79
00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,303
Calm down.
80
00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:18,871
Okay.
81
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:21,699
You'll call an alarm company.
You'll get real locks.
82
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,395
In two days
you'll be good to go.
83
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:24,637
Two days?
84
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,012
What are you
talking about?
85
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,739
I can't be alone here
for two days.
86
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,305
Oh, will you stay
with me, Barb?
87
00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:30,743
You can sleep here
on the couch.
88
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:32,748
Your couch smells
like farts.
89
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,750
Well, then, can I
stay at your house?
90
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:38,293
No, then my couch
will smell like farts.
91
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:41,759
Barb, what am I going to do?
92
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:44,789
You'll be a grown-up and
do what grown-ups do:
93
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:46,755
you'll lock your doors;
you'll be vigilant;
94
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,404
and if there's
a problem,
95
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,899
you'll calmly call
Officer Buns for help.
96
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,771
You're going
to be fine.
97
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,470
I'll see you
tomorrow.
Hey,
98
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:55,742
you know,
it's my birthday tomorrow.
99
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:56,939
And happy birthday.
(groans)
100
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,343
Okay, I'm going be fine. I am.
101
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,435
There's nothing to worry about.
102
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,447
Hey.
Oh, God!
103
00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:07,920
Geez, what the hell?
104
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,318
God, you scared me.
105
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,820
I thought you were an intruder.
106
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:11,951
What's going on?
107
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,315
We have some big news.
108
00:04:13,321 --> 00:04:16,361
Yeah, I know, there's a prowler.
109
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:18,490
No, no, New Christine
is going into labor.
110
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,426
We're going to the hospital
to have our baby.
111
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:21,831
I just came by to get my camera.
112
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,332
Oh, wow, that
is big news.
113
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,734
So you guys
114
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:25,795
still don't know
what you're having?
115
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:26,803
No, New Christine does.
116
00:04:26,834 --> 00:04:28,604
I didn't want to know,
117
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,796
but she's going to let me
name it if it's a boy.
118
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:33,508
I'm going to pick
Frank Sinatra.
119
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,741
Anyway,
we should go.
120
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,406
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
121
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:38,945
Um, actually, you
know what, Richard?
122
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,779
I'm going to need you
to stay here with me.
123
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,954
What?
124
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,793
New Christine's
about to give birth.
125
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:48,488
I know, but there's a prowler,
and I don't want to be alone.
126
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:52,092
Well, I don't want to miss
the birth of my... son?
127
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,825
Maybe.
128
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:54,931
Yes.
129
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,432
Okay, we should really go.
130
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,804
Sorry, Christine,
you're on your own.
131
00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:59,801
All right, fine,
I don't need you,
132
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:03,073
except possibly
to identify my body.
133
00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:06,473
Make sure the paramedics
don't do anything gross with me.
134
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,476
Unless it's funny.
135
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,918
What's going on?
136
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,549
Hey, Matthew, I don't
want to worry you.
137
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:20,015
Okay.
But...
138
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,063
(knocking)
139
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,934
I have a problem.
140
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:27,659
Okay, I don't want
to scare you,
141
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:31,525
but a stripper came over today
and told me
142
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:34,095
that there's been a string of
burglaries in my neighborhood,
143
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,704
and I'm not getting my alarm
installed until tomorrow,
144
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,967
so I need you
to move back in with me.
145
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,136
Christine, I'm not coming back.
146
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,683
I have a great life here.
147
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,939
What's so great
about it?
148
00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:45,147
Well, uh, we have
home-cooked meals
149
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,078
at a table
150
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,754
instead of Hot Pockets on
paper towels in front of the TV.
151
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,853
Uh, we drink from glasses
152
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:54,855
that aren't permanently stained
with wine, lipstick, and tears.
153
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,618
And we have
154
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:58,987
uh, nice furniture that
doesn't smell like farts.
155
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,430
Hey.
156
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,063
What's wrong with Hot Pockets?
157
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,536
What's going on?
158
00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:08,698
Matthew,
who's your friend?
159
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,436
Oh, she is
not my friend.
160
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:12,438
Hi, I'm Christine.
I'm Matthew's sister.
161
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,840
I'm sure you've probably heard
about me.
162
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,744
Oh, yeah-- please don't sit
on our couch.
163
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,105
Uh...
164
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,476
my sister's having
a bit of a crisis.
165
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,815
What? I didn't say "crisis."
166
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,890
God, you're making me
look paranoid.
167
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,658
There is a marauding
band of land pirates
168
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,688
in my neighborhood,
and I'm afraid
169
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,763
that if I'm there alone,
I will be ravaged.
170
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,703
Christine,
you've already been ravaged.
171
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,198
I mean, time has ravaged you.
172
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,470
Stop it, okay?
173
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,141
It's almost my birthday.
174
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:45,469
I mean, how can you leave me
alone on my birthday?
175
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:46,866
Is she going to cry?
176
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,677
Because that makes me
uncomfortable.
177
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,609
I don't like being uncomfortable
in my own apartment.
178
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,184
Deal with it, Matthew.
179
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,477
Good Lord,
what is her problem?
180
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,547
Who doesn't like crying?
181
00:06:58,586 --> 00:06:59,946
She doesn't
have a problem.
182
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,487
She just likes things
a certain way.
183
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,092
You have to go.
184
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:06,493
Well, Matthew, I hate to bring
this up, but you owe me.
185
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:09,104
Oh, for what?
Who was there for you
186
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,629
when you were too afraid
to sleep alone
187
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,504
after you saw The Shining?
188
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,203
Who took their seven-year-old
brother to see The Shining?
189
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,835
That was not my question.
190
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,571
Okay, fine, you were there.
Yeah,
191
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:21,837
that's right, I was there,
just like I've always been.
192
00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:24,705
I'm sorry, Christine.
I am not coming home.
193
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,515
Okay, fine.
194
00:07:27,515 --> 00:07:30,515
Then I'll stay here...
195
00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:32,251
and do this.
196
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,955
(in raspy voice):
Danny isn't here,
Mrs. Torrance.
197
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:38,093
Please don't do that.
198
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,785
(normal voice):
Okay, I'll stop
if you come stay with me.
199
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,228
I am not going
to stay with you.
200
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,132
(in raspy voice):
Redrum.
Please don't.
201
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,174
Redrum, redrum, redrum!
202
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,669
Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.
203
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,101
I will stay with you one night,
204
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:51,066
but just until they
put in the alarm.
205
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,035
Thank you, Matthew.
206
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,107
Well, you're still
only three centimeters.
207
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,605
You've got a
ways to go,
208
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:01,777
so I suggest you go home,
get some rest,
209
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,075
and maybe tomorrow we can...
210
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,186
No, I have to have
this baby today.
211
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,688
It has to be today.
212
00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,660
Why?
Because today is my due date.
213
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,559
A due date is like a promise.
214
00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:12,891
You promised me that I was going
to meet my daughter today.
215
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:14,796
Daughter?
216
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,858
Or son.
217
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,727
Oh, good.
218
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:22,197
So is there any way
to move this along?
Well,
219
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:23,835
walking helps.
220
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,841
Uh, some people suggest
eating spicy food,
221
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,743
and it might be
an old wives' tale,
222
00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:30,135
but some people say having sex
can help move things along.
223
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,007
(chuckles)
224
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:34,005
This is where I usually make
a joke about my old wife,
225
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,247
but you don't seem
like you're in the mood.
226
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:39,024
Richard, I want
to have sex.
227
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,952
Right now,
228
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,858
with the adjustable bed and the
nurses right outside the door?
229
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,596
That's on my bucket list.
230
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,362
I'm gonna be expecting
a big tip from you.
231
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,235
(cans rattling)
232
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:58,239
(screams)
233
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:00,341
What the hell is that?
234
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:03,243
That's my alarm until
the real guy gets here tomorrow.
235
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:06,246
You know how many cans of chili
I had to eat to make that?
236
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,049
God.
237
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,981
Oh, is that why you have
all those empty wine bottles
238
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,117
against the back door?
239
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,991
No, that's recycling.
240
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,321
Oh, thank you so much
for staying with me.
241
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:19,086
I feel so much safer
having you back in the house.
242
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,786
Not back in the house,
just one night.
243
00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,628
Yeah, I know. So what
do you want to do first?
244
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,333
Should I nuke some
mac and cheese for us
245
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,834
to eat while we wait
for our Chinese to get here?
246
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:29,267
Actually,
I've been trying really hard
247
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,872
to eat healthy lately.
248
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,844
Uh, Heidi has me
on a raw food diet.
249
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,683
Raw food?
250
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,238
Oh, great, I got cookie dough
in the refrigerator.
251
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,681
Oh, and you know
what's on TV tonight?
252
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:42,723
What Surgeons Left Behind--
a new one.
253
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,120
On the preview
they kept showing
254
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:46,351
a doctor wearing
just one clog.
255
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,355
You know what?
I think I'm just going
256
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,330
to go read for
a little while.
257
00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:55,299
Wait, Matthew,
maybe you didn't understand me.
258
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,298
I think the doctor's other clog
259
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:01,101
is in the patient.
260
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:04,744
No, I know, and
that sounds great.
261
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,342
Yeah.
But I think it
would be better
262
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:07,983
if I just hang out
in the guesthouse.
263
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,308
I'm gonna go
take a shower.
264
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:10,912
Just call me if
you get scared.
265
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,414
Okay, and you call me
if someone tries
266
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,775
to break through
your bathroom door with an ax.
267
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,245
God, I hate you.
268
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,890
(laughing)
269
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,843
No, no, no!
270
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,346
Matthew, you scared me.
271
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,308
What are you doing?
272
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,077
Oh, nothing. I was just
going to get some water,
273
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:50,716
and then I saw
that you were at the good part
274
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,891
of Blades of Glory.
275
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:53,049
Good part?
276
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,386
Is there a bad part?
277
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:56,361
You want to watch the rest
with me?
278
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,829
No, I shouldn't.
279
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,288
I was just gonna
get that water.
280
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,856
Is that queso dip?
281
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:03,325
Yup.
282
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:05,873
It's a delicious
processed cheese food
283
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:08,969
with a full-day supply
of trans fats.
284
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,202
Sure smells good.
285
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,737
Smells like...
286
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,972
America?
287
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,477
Yeah.
288
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,879
Oh, come on, Matthew.
289
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,112
One chip isn't gonna kill you.
290
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:37,358
It's midnight.
291
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,067
I didn't do it.
292
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:41,099
The baby's not
going to come.
293
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,144
We had sex for nothing.
294
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,979
Not for nothing.
295
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,939
For nothing.
296
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,915
So the baby
will come today.
297
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,148
No big deal.
298
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:58,523
But it is a big deal.
299
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,521
Don't you know
what today is?
300
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,393
Sure do.
301
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:04,832
Happy anniversary.
302
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:08,033
No, Richard.
303
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,031
It's Old Christine's
birthday.
304
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,403
Our baby is going to
have the same birthday,
305
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,402
the same
astrological sign,
306
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:17,814
the same personality,
as your ex-wife.
307
00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:19,935
Hold it in!
308
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:20,973
You got 24 hours.
309
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:22,408
I know you can do this.
310
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:24,242
Stay in there,
Frank Sinatra.
311
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:26,007
This is one crazy star
312
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:28,046
you do not want
to be born under.
313
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:06,024
Oh!
314
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:09,423
Oh, no! No! No!
315
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,216
Calm down. It's just me.
316
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:12,388
You scared me.
317
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,585
Where are you going?
318
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,296
Were you leaving?
319
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,198
No. I was just going
to go get some coffee.
320
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,570
We have coffee here.
321
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:19,868
Some donuts.
322
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:22,040
We have donuts here.
323
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:23,039
Smokes.
324
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,870
(gasps)
325
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:28,475
That's what Dad always says
before he leaves Mom.
326
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,538
Okay, I'm going home.
327
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:31,907
What? Why?
328
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,945
Because you're a bad influence
on me.
329
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,981
How am I a bad influence?
330
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:39,424
I want to move
forward, okay?
331
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:40,952
This feels like
moving backwards.
332
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,318
I'm not your little
brother anymore.
333
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:44,185
I'm my own person.
334
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,334
Oh. Didn't hear you complaining
last night.
Hey, no.
335
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,899
Stop it! That is not
what you say to your brother.
336
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,059
It's inappropriate.
337
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:51,227
I am never moving back here.
338
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:52,534
Do you hear me? Never.
339
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,295
I mean,
it would make me a loser.
340
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,544
Oh, so now I'm a loser?
341
00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:00,338
Good-bye, Christine.
342
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:04,382
Huh. That's
unusual.
343
00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,951
Is something wrong?
344
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,509
No, everything is fine.
345
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,317
It's just seems
your cervix is closing up.
346
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,590
Oh.
347
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:14,349
I've never seen anything
like that before.
348
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,017
Unless you count my old wife.
349
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,116
(laughs)
350
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,925
All right, you guys let me know
when you're ready
351
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,101
'cause I got some good ones.
352
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:26,130
No. She can't have the baby
today because of my old wife.
353
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,236
She doesn't want them
to share a birthday.
354
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:30,498
Well, when the baby wants
to come, it's coming.
355
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,367
You can't will something
like that.
356
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,135
You don't know
New Christine.
357
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:38,548
When she wants to hold out,
she can hold out.
358
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:41,648
We once went six months
without having sex.
359
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,451
Well, you did.
360
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,624
Right.
361
00:14:46,653 --> 00:14:48,993
Oh.
362
00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:50,562
Well, this is
a little different, you know.
363
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,090
This is a human being
364
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,185
who's ready
to come into the world.
365
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,686
Not on this day.
366
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,427
Wow. This
is weird.
367
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,603
Your contractions are
getting further apart.
368
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,373
That's amazing
and a little scary.
369
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,372
Haven't seen
that kind of control
370
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,144
from anybody since my old wife.
371
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:07,573
(laughs)
372
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,237
And that's not a joke,
just a cold, hard fact.
373
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:17,482
I can't believe he's gone.
374
00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,985
And he is kidding himself
375
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,088
if he thinks
that anyone is gonna love him
376
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,163
the way that I did.
377
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,732
You don't need Matthew.
378
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,160
The alarm guy's coming today.
379
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:34,197
Yeah, well, he's not gonna want
to live with me, either.
380
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:40,507
You know, Barb,
having Matthew here last night
381
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:43,040
made me realize how much
I'd been missing him.
382
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,476
You know, it's like that week
I went off carbs,
383
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:47,582
or that day I went off wine.
384
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,453
Yeah, that was a bad day.
385
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,622
I just don't understand
386
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,356
how someone can love you
one day,
387
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,031
and the next day, it's over.
388
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,030
Like everything was a lie.
389
00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:05,400
Maybe you need to
start coming to work
390
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,432
instead of watching The
Bold and the Beautiful.
391
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:11,201
Yeah, Barb.
392
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:12,738
That's me and Matthew.
393
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:15,542
We're bold.
394
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:17,605
We're beautiful.
395
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,254
You're old. You're crazy.
396
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,150
Stop it!
397
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:23,722
Okay? It's my birthday.
398
00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,720
Look, people move on.
399
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,422
It's natural.
400
00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:30,064
And he hung in there
with you for a long time.
401
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:32,257
You should be grateful
for the time you had.
402
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:34,732
Oh. I wonder
what he's doing right now.
403
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:36,701
(sniffing)
404
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,598
Is that his shirt?
405
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,703
I can't quit him, Barb.
406
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,712
Well, look
407
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,754
who decided to come home.
408
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,480
What?
409
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,086
I didn't know where you were.
410
00:16:58,085 --> 00:16:59,485
Next time, leave a note.
411
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,619
I really don't think
I have to do that.
412
00:17:01,654 --> 00:17:03,294
I mean, we're not related,
413
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,263
and you won't let me sleep
with you.
414
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,296
Matthew, I was really upset
415
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,229
after all that drama
with your sister.
416
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:12,634
So, there's a new rule.
417
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:14,765
No family members
in the apartment.
418
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,501
What?
419
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,566
There's a reason I don't talk
to my family anymore.
420
00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:21,306
They always want something
from you.
421
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,241
They're always calling to say,
"Merry Christmas,"
422
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,246
"We miss you,"
"Your dad's in the hospital."
423
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:26,408
It's, like, "Oh!
424
00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:28,176
Get off me!"
425
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,122
Uh, you don't get
to make rules for me.
426
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:35,159
Unless you sleep with me, and
then I'll do whatever you want.
427
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,558
But you know what?
428
00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,329
Until then,
this is my apartment.
429
00:17:38,358 --> 00:17:40,328
But you're illegally subletting
to me,
430
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,800
and if I tell the landlord,
he'll kick you out.
431
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,129
Why just me?
432
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,774
I'm sleeping with the landlord.
433
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,467
Damn.
434
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,802
Listen, Heidi, I'm not going
to tell my sister
435
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:53,338
she can't come over here.
436
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,343
I mean, sure,
she can be a pain,
437
00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,675
but she's the only family I got,
and I like hanging out with her.
438
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:00,211
She's fun; she's crazy;
439
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,777
and she's always been there
for me.
440
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,784
I mean, I don't know
what I would do
441
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,746
if I had to go through a day
without seeing her.
442
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:08,864
Oh, no.
443
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,457
(alarm blaring)
444
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,530
Aah! What is my code?!
445
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,596
Oh, my birth year.
446
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,174
(beeping)
447
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,383
Oh!
448
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:29,638
Okay, fine.
449
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:31,806
My real birth year.
450
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,175
(beeping)
451
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,822
(alarm stops)
452
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,189
(doorbell rings)
453
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:44,259
Ms. Campbell,
I heard your alarm going off,
454
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,261
and I found this guy
hanging around your back fence.
455
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,664
He says he lives here.
456
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,895
Nope, I live alone.
457
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:53,330
That's probably 'cause
of all the chili you eat.
458
00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:58,612
No. Because I'm moving forward.
459
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,838
Oh, Christine, come on. I got
kicked out of my apartment.
460
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,613
I need a place to stay.
461
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,512
Oh. Well, I guess
you should have thought of that
462
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:08,224
before you decided to walk
out of my life forever, okay?
463
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,348
After all
we have been through together,
464
00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,423
after all I have done for you,
you act
465
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:15,422
as if I'm like the worst thing
that ever happened to you.
466
00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:18,755
I'm taking that as confirmation
that you know him.
467
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,231
I'm going to take off.
468
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,390
(clears throat)
469
00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:23,358
Maybe become a stripper.
470
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,325
Christine, I'm sorry.
471
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,797
Come on.
472
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,465
It wasn't always terrible
to live here.
473
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,773
Actually, sometimes
it was kind of fun.
474
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:34,444
Oh. How generous of you
to say so.
475
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:35,544
Can I stay?
476
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,375
Well, I don't know.
477
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,980
I was kind of getting used
to the idea of living alone.
478
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,411
I was going
to turn the guesthouse
479
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,447
into a gift wrap room.
480
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,952
You don't buy people gifts.
481
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:47,424
Okay, you can move back.
482
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:48,824
Okay.
483
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,515
Not forever, just for now.
484
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:52,687
Now is all we have.
485
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,455
Tomorrow may never come.
486
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,998
We're bold.
487
00:19:58,030 --> 00:20:00,270
We're beautiful.
488
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,676
Oh.
489
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,779
(gasps)
490
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,811
Oh, look at the adorable
491
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:16,016
baby.
492
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,748
Oh.
How weird.
493
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,894
She looks just like Matthew.
494
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,949
What's her name?
495
00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,518
Dakota Christine
Hunter-Campbell.
496
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,827
When was she born?
497
00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,388
Two minutes after midnight.
498
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,357
Oh, my gosh!
499
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,726
She was born on my birthday!
500
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:32,403
No, your birthday
was yesterday.
501
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,032
No, that's when
I celebrate my birthday,
502
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,266
but my real birthday is today.
503
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:37,743
Which is, like,
my mother's birthday.
504
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:40,810
Yeah, which is why she
celebrated it yesterday.
505
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,610
Oh, we're twins.
506
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:46,312
Happy birthday to us,
Dakota Christine.
507
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,416
Richard, put the baby back.
33214
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