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BLACKADDER
"The Cavalier Years"
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- Baldrick!
- Yes, sir?
3
00:00:36,287 --> 00:00:38,881
Get me some mulled ale, will you?
I'm freezing.
4
00:00:39,047 --> 00:00:40,196
How's the King, sir?
5
00:00:40,367 --> 00:00:43,086
About as comfortable
as can be expected...
6
00:00:43,247 --> 00:00:46,523
...for a man who's spending the winter
in a blackcurrant bush.
7
00:00:48,127 --> 00:00:49,958
Do you think
the Roundheads will find him?
8
00:00:50,127 --> 00:00:53,244
Certainly not. I've assured him
that he's as likely to be caught...
9
00:00:53,407 --> 00:00:58,037
...as a fox being chased by a pack
of one-legged hunting tortoises.
10
00:00:59,247 --> 00:01:00,566
Is that true?
11
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,046
Yes, of course it's true.
12
00:01:02,207 --> 00:01:03,640
Have you ever known me
to lie to the King?
13
00:01:03,807 --> 00:01:04,796
Yes.
14
00:01:06,647 --> 00:01:08,365
- No.
- Exactly.
15
00:01:09,287 --> 00:01:13,246
He's absolutely safe as long as
you keep your fat mouth shut.
16
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,681
You can trust me, sir.
17
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:19,675
Right, Baldrick,
I'm off to answer the call of nature.
18
00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:24,125
If, by any freak chance, Cromwell
drops in here for a cup of milk...
19
00:01:24,287 --> 00:01:26,721
...in the next 90 seconds,
remember:
20
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:30,880
- "The King is not hiding here."
- Yes, sir.
21
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# Greensleeves... #
22
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:37,718
Good evening, citizen.
23
00:01:38,607 --> 00:01:40,404
I am Oliver Cromwell.
24
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:45,357
My men have surrounded your house,
and I'm looking for royalist scum.
25
00:01:45,927 --> 00:01:47,883
Is the King hiding here?
26
00:01:59,647 --> 00:02:00,762
No.
27
00:02:02,127 --> 00:02:06,757
On pain of death and damnation,
are you absolutely sure?
28
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,646
Yes, I am.
29
00:02:10,207 --> 00:02:11,606
I see.
30
00:02:11,887 --> 00:02:15,596
Well then, my proud beauty,
31
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:20,202
you won't mind if my men
come in from the cold, will you?
32
00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:23,161
Men, come in from the cold,
will you?
33
00:02:24,287 --> 00:02:27,279
Now, we'll all have a cup of milk
by your fireside.
34
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,961
All right, but don't touch
the purple cup.
35
00:02:30,247 --> 00:02:32,283
- Why not?
- That's the King's.
36
00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:43,841
Thank you, citizen. You may
leave me alone with King Charles.
37
00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:46,800
Mr. Cromwell,
how delightful to see you again.
38
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,923
Don't get up. Don't get up.
Tell me, have you come far?
39
00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,884
I have, sir.
40
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,766
From country squire
to Lord Protector of England.
41
00:02:56,287 --> 00:02:58,721
Fascinating,
absolutely fascinating.
42
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:03,042
Tell me, what exactly
does a lord protector do?
43
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:05,883
He spells your doom, sir.
44
00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:09,198
He spells my doom? Wonderful!
That's particularly exciting...
45
00:03:09,367 --> 00:03:12,086
...because so many people these days
can't spell at all.
46
00:03:12,807 --> 00:03:15,958
Particularly in the inner cities,
which is my area of interest.
47
00:03:16,127 --> 00:03:21,042
Speak, sir. But all your fine words
won't save you from the scaffold.
48
00:03:21,487 --> 00:03:23,842
Jolly good! Fascinating!
Carry on.
49
00:03:24,407 --> 00:03:28,195
A priest, sir. To help you make
your peace with God before you die.
50
00:03:30,367 --> 00:03:33,643
- Oh, hello.
- Your Majesty,
51
00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:37,197
I've arranged for certain monies
to be paid to allow you to escape.
52
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,801
Blackadder!
You're dressed as a priest!
53
00:03:39,967 --> 00:03:41,639
How dangerous and stupid...
54
00:03:41,807 --> 00:03:44,367
...and perverted!
It's just like school.
55
00:03:45,127 --> 00:03:47,595
Sire, this is a matter
of life and death.
56
00:03:47,807 --> 00:03:50,799
Nonsense, Blackadder.
I don't think any jury in England...
57
00:03:50,967 --> 00:03:53,276
...would bring in a verdict
of guilty against me.
58
00:03:53,447 --> 00:03:56,245
Your Majesty,
the verdict of the jury.
59
00:03:56,407 --> 00:03:59,797
So, what does it say?
Guilty or not guilty?
60
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,799
I'll give you two guesses.
61
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:04,476
Not guilty.
62
00:04:05,247 --> 00:04:06,521
One more guess.
63
00:04:11,127 --> 00:04:12,685
Oh, damn!
64
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:17,323
One measly civil war
in the entire history of England,
65
00:04:17,487 --> 00:04:20,001
and I'm on the wrong bloody side!
66
00:04:21,607 --> 00:04:23,040
Something wrong, sir?
67
00:04:23,207 --> 00:04:27,803
Yes, Baldrick. If the King dies,
we royalists are doomed.
68
00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,522
We will enter
a hideous age of Puritanism.
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00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,359
They'll close all the theatres.
70
00:04:32,967 --> 00:04:35,606
Lace handkerchiefs for men
will be illegal.
71
00:04:36,407 --> 00:04:38,841
And I won't be able to find
a friendly face to sit on...
72
00:04:39,007 --> 00:04:40,406
...this side of Boulogne.
73
00:04:42,447 --> 00:04:44,563
If they so much as suspect
our loyalties,
74
00:04:44,727 --> 00:04:47,446
our property will be forfeit
and we'll be for the chop.
75
00:04:47,727 --> 00:04:49,080
Oh, I love chops.
76
00:04:51,487 --> 00:04:54,320
Baldrick, your brain...
77
00:04:54,487 --> 00:04:59,481
...is like the four-headed man-eating
haddock fish beast of Aberdeen.
78
00:05:00,647 --> 00:05:03,445
- In what way?
- It doesn't exist.
79
00:05:04,807 --> 00:05:08,880
- Oh, God. What will we do?
- Don't despair, something'll pop up.
80
00:05:09,207 --> 00:05:11,562
Not under Puritanism it won't.
81
00:05:12,807 --> 00:05:14,206
We must do something.
82
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:19,646
We must do something, otherwise
the Blackadders are as doomed as that ant.
83
00:05:19,927 --> 00:05:20,916
What ant?
84
00:05:23,527 --> 00:05:24,801
That one.
85
00:05:25,527 --> 00:05:29,406
So this is the day
of the execution of Charles I.
86
00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:33,920
Absolutely not, Your Majesty.
Those Roundhead traitors...
87
00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:37,159
...have one final hurdle
that they will never straddle.
88
00:05:37,527 --> 00:05:39,597
Fascinating.
What is that exactly?
89
00:05:39,767 --> 00:05:41,962
They will never find
a man to behead you.
90
00:05:42,127 --> 00:05:45,836
They'd have hundreds of volunteers
to execute Cromwell, he's so ugly.
91
00:05:46,047 --> 00:05:47,924
He's got so many warts on his face...
92
00:05:48,087 --> 00:05:51,796
...it's only when he sneezes that
you find out which one is his nose.
93
00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:55,323
But they'll never find
a man to execute you.
94
00:05:55,487 --> 00:05:58,160
Well, I find that absolutely tragic.
95
00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:02,718
There are so many young people
who would leap at a chance like this.
96
00:06:03,927 --> 00:06:06,600
All they need
is the initiative, somehow.
97
00:06:06,807 --> 00:06:10,356
I suppose, in a sense, that's what
my award scheme is all about.
98
00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:11,756
- Really?
- Yes.
99
00:06:11,927 --> 00:06:14,919
On the other hand, of course,
I don't want my head cut off.
100
00:06:15,327 --> 00:06:19,445
- It's a question of balance, like...
- Shut up! With respect Your Majesty.
101
00:06:20,367 --> 00:06:22,642
They'll never find an executioner.
And if they do,
102
00:06:22,807 --> 00:06:26,322
may my conjugal dipstick
turn into a tennis racket.
103
00:06:28,287 --> 00:06:30,005
A message for the King.
104
00:06:41,847 --> 00:06:44,156
# There's a tavern in the town... #
105
00:06:44,327 --> 00:06:46,716
For God's sake, stop that Baldrick!
106
00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:51,319
It's bad enough having one's life
in ruins, without being serenaded...
107
00:06:51,487 --> 00:06:55,799
...by a moron with all the entertainment
value of a tap-dancing oyster.
108
00:06:57,127 --> 00:06:59,083
I'm sorry, sir.
I can't help it.
109
00:06:59,247 --> 00:07:01,363
You see, I've just had
a little windfall.
110
00:07:01,607 --> 00:07:04,963
Baldrick, I've told you before, if you're
going to do that, go into the garden.
111
00:07:06,087 --> 00:07:08,362
No, I mean
I've come into some money.
112
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,798
Really?
Family inheritance?
113
00:07:10,967 --> 00:07:13,162
No, I ate that ages ago.
114
00:07:14,007 --> 00:07:17,443
Yes, of course. Your thoughtful
father bequeathed you a turnip.
115
00:07:18,767 --> 00:07:21,361
No, it was 50 pounds actually,
it was delicious.
116
00:07:21,527 --> 00:07:24,360
But this is just a little something
that fell in my lap.
117
00:07:24,647 --> 00:07:28,560
Not the first time that there's been
a little something in your lap.
118
00:07:28,727 --> 00:07:33,562
- No, but this one is a job.
- Really? I just don't understand it.
119
00:07:33,727 --> 00:07:37,686
Where on earth did they find a man
so utterly without heart and soul,
120
00:07:37,847 --> 00:07:41,078
so low and degraded
as to accept the job...
121
00:07:41,247 --> 00:07:44,045
...of beheading
the King of England?
122
00:07:49,407 --> 00:07:52,046
- Baldrick?
- Yes.
123
00:07:52,207 --> 00:07:55,756
- That little job that fell into your lap...
- Yes.
124
00:07:56,087 --> 00:07:59,238
It wasn't by any chance
something to do with an axe, a basket,
125
00:07:59,407 --> 00:08:01,716
a little black mask
and the King of England?
126
00:08:01,887 --> 00:08:03,878
- No.
- Go on.
127
00:08:04,047 --> 00:08:05,878
I couldn't find a basket.
128
00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:09,403
You very small total bastard!
129
00:08:09,567 --> 00:08:13,355
Please, sir, don't kill me. I have
a cunning plan to save the King.
130
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,677
Forgive me if I don't
do a cartwheel of joy.
131
00:08:15,847 --> 00:08:18,645
Your family's record
in cunning planning...
132
00:08:18,807 --> 00:08:22,402
...is about as impressive
as "Stumpy" Oleg McNolegs'...
133
00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:25,718
...personal best in the
Market Harborough marathon.
134
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,156
All right, what's the plan?
135
00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:36,196
A pumpkin...
is going to save the king.
136
00:08:37,687 --> 00:08:41,885
But over here, I have one
that I prepared earlier.
137
00:08:44,847 --> 00:08:48,044
I'll balance it
on the King's head, like this.
138
00:08:48,247 --> 00:08:51,444
Then I'll cover his real head
with a cloak...
139
00:08:51,887 --> 00:08:55,641
...and then, when I execute him,
instead of cutting off his real head,
140
00:08:55,807 --> 00:08:59,959
I'll cut off the pumpkin
and the King survives!
141
00:09:01,047 --> 00:09:04,960
- I'm not sure it's going to work, Baldrick.
- Why not?
142
00:09:05,127 --> 00:09:08,597
Because once you've cut it off
you have to hold it up and say,
143
00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:12,123
"This is the head of a traitor."
At which point, they'll shout back,
144
00:09:12,287 --> 00:09:16,280
"No, it's a large pumpkin with
a pathetic moustache drawn on it."
145
00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:19,601
I suppose it's not 100% convincing.
146
00:09:19,767 --> 00:09:24,045
It's not 1% convincing.
However, I am a busy man...
147
00:09:24,207 --> 00:09:26,641
...and I can't be bothered
to punch you at the moment,
148
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:29,845
Here's my fist, kindly run towards it
as fast as you can.
149
00:09:34,447 --> 00:09:38,599
I just don't understand it.
What possessed you to take the job?
150
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:42,885
I'm sorry, sir. It was just
a wild silly foolish plan.
151
00:09:43,047 --> 00:09:46,403
I thought with the money I got
from executing the King,
152
00:09:46,567 --> 00:09:49,957
I could sneak out and buy a new king
when no one was looking...
153
00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:53,005
...and pop him back on the throne
without anyone noticing.
154
00:09:53,487 --> 00:09:56,638
Your head is as empty
as a eunuch's underpants.
155
00:09:58,527 --> 00:10:01,200
You'd do anything for
30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?
156
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:04,837
It was a thousand pounds actually sir,
plus tip.
157
00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:09,642
Well I suppose somebody's
got to do it, haven't they?
158
00:10:09,927 --> 00:10:12,589
And when it's gonna be done,
it's got to be done in single stroke,
159
00:10:12,590 --> 00:10:14,364
by someone
who actually owns an axe.
160
00:10:14,527 --> 00:10:16,950
We don't want you hacking
away at it all afternoon...
161
00:10:16,951 --> 00:10:18,566
...with your cheap penknife
of yours.
162
00:10:18,727 --> 00:10:20,558
It would be so embarrassing
to have King Charles...
163
00:10:20,727 --> 00:10:22,338
...staggering around Hampton
Court tomorrow morning...
164
00:10:22,339 --> 00:10:25,562
...with his neck flapping
like fish's gills.
165
00:10:26,127 --> 00:10:28,925
- Sir, you don't mean?
- Yep, I'm doing it.
166
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:31,840
Lend me your costume,
then go immediately to the King,
167
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:35,602
and inform him that Edmund Blackadder
cannot be with him tomorrow.
168
00:10:36,047 --> 00:10:40,165
And make sure you think up
a bloody good excuse.
169
00:10:40,887 --> 00:10:43,720
So that's why
he can't be here. Sorry.
170
00:10:43,887 --> 00:10:46,924
I see.
I quite understand, yes.
171
00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:52,880
Sir, the moment has arrived.
Are you ready to meet your maker?
172
00:10:53,327 --> 00:10:57,206
I'm always absolutely fascinated
to meet people from all walks of life...
173
00:10:57,367 --> 00:11:00,803
...but yes, particularly
manufacturing industry.
174
00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:04,403
Well then, have a quick walk and talk
with your executioner,
175
00:11:04,567 --> 00:11:06,922
- and let's get on with it.
- Right.
176
00:11:10,927 --> 00:11:14,158
Well, I'm sorry, my friend.
I'm alone here today.
177
00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:19,117
I'd hoped that my loyal chum
Sir Edmund Blackadder would be here,
178
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:24,281
but unfortunately his wife's sister's
puppy fell into the strawberry patch.
179
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,357
So, naturally, he can't be with us.
180
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,644
All I can do is bid
you do your duty well.
181
00:11:34,007 --> 00:11:36,123
Well, thank you, Your Majesty.
182
00:11:36,407 --> 00:11:39,604
May I say
how much I mourn for your lot,
183
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,680
and bid you remember others
before you who have died unjustly.
184
00:11:43,847 --> 00:11:45,280
Thank you.
I take great solace from that.
185
00:11:45,447 --> 00:11:48,723
Sir Thomas More, for instance.
A great generous man to the last.
186
00:11:48,887 --> 00:11:52,721
He apparently tipped
his executioner, handsomely.
187
00:11:52,887 --> 00:11:57,005
I'm so sorry,
I thought service was included.
188
00:11:57,167 --> 00:11:58,600
Here you are.
189
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,559
- And then there was the Earl of Essex.
- Was there?
190
00:12:03,727 --> 00:12:05,080
A truly great man.
191
00:12:05,247 --> 00:12:09,320
They still sing his famous ballad
in The Chepstow Arms.
192
00:12:09,487 --> 00:12:10,556
What ballad is that?
193
00:12:10,727 --> 00:12:14,845
# The Earl he had a thousand
sovereigns, hey nonny no #
194
00:12:15,047 --> 00:12:19,837
# He gave them all away
to the man with the axe... oh. #
195
00:12:20,647 --> 00:12:24,560
- A thousand sovereigns?
- You can't take it with you, Majesty.
196
00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:27,764
Very true.
There you are. Keep the change.
197
00:12:27,927 --> 00:12:30,236
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Right, should we go?
198
00:12:30,407 --> 00:12:31,840
Just a moment!
199
00:12:32,007 --> 00:12:34,999
That voice has
a strangely familiar ring.
200
00:12:35,247 --> 00:12:36,805
And so does that finger.
201
00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:39,641
Blackadder!
202
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,803
Hello, Your Majesty!
203
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:45,197
You cunning swine!
204
00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:46,966
Yes, well...
205
00:12:47,127 --> 00:12:48,560
Marvellous! Splendid!
206
00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:52,925
You've duped Cromwell and you've
concocted a cunning plan...
207
00:12:53,087 --> 00:12:56,124
...to help me and my infant son
escape to France.
208
00:12:56,487 --> 00:12:58,796
Yes, that's right. Yes.
209
00:12:58,967 --> 00:13:02,755
So, let's put your cunning plan
into operation straight away.
210
00:13:03,287 --> 00:13:04,640
Yes, let's...
211
00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:10,722
- Well, you start the ball rolling.
- No, no, after you.
212
00:13:11,247 --> 00:13:13,283
Right... yes...
213
00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:17,643
Oh, yes, right.
And it's a very good plan.
214
00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:21,595
It's a staggering
bowel-shatteringly good plan.
215
00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:27,165
- Is the King ready?
- He is. Come, Your Majesty.
216
00:13:44,247 --> 00:13:46,807
This is the head of a traitor.
217
00:13:46,967 --> 00:13:50,562
No, it's not.
It's a huge pumpkin...
218
00:13:50,727 --> 00:13:54,163
...with a pathetic moustache
drawn on it.
219
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:58,203
Oh yes, so it is. Sorry.
I'll try again.
220
00:14:06,887 --> 00:14:09,765
Well sir,
they can't say you didn't try.
221
00:14:10,047 --> 00:14:12,117
Now the future
of the British monarchy...
222
00:14:12,287 --> 00:14:16,360
...lies fast asleep in your arms,
in the person of this infant prince.
223
00:14:16,527 --> 00:14:20,236
And with the money you've earned
you and he can escape to France.
224
00:14:20,447 --> 00:14:21,800
Well, quite.
225
00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:25,757
On the other hand, you can stay here
and as a known loyalist,
226
00:14:25,927 --> 00:14:27,883
the Roundheads will come
and cut your head off.
227
00:14:28,047 --> 00:14:29,685
Exactly, Baldrick.
228
00:14:30,487 --> 00:14:32,318
- Oh, my God.
- Surround the house, men.
229
00:14:32,487 --> 00:14:35,559
Oh no! We're surrounded!
What'll we do?
230
00:14:35,767 --> 00:14:39,043
At times like this Baldrick,
there's no choice for a man of honour.
231
00:14:39,207 --> 00:14:43,405
He must stand and fight and die
in defence of his future sovereign.
232
00:14:45,407 --> 00:14:47,523
Unfortunately,
I'm not a man of honour.
233
00:14:52,287 --> 00:14:55,677
Thank God you've come!
Seize the royalist scum!
19537
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