All language subtitles for How.to.Save.a.Marriage.and.Ruin.Your.Life.1968.DVDRip

Miss Corman.

Miss Corman!

Miss Corman, have you reconsidered
my invitation for tonight?

Mr. Bauer, I do not care to have dinner
in your apartment.

I think you'll find my place fascinating.
I collect unusually interesting items.

Like salesgirls who are afraid
to lose their jobs?

Now, Miss Yardley is being married.

That will leave an executive opening
in merchandising.

Now, as personnel manager,
it is my decision as to who will replace her.

A subject we might discuss tonight
over vintage wine, soft music.

- You find my touch repugnant?
- No, it's just that

I haven't had my tetanus shot.

- Hi, Carol.
- Hi, Marcia.

You have a sharp tongue, Miss Corman.

And with it you have just cut off

any opportunity you will ever have
for advancement.

Squashing one bug is not
the answer to pest control.

This town is overrun with Mr. Bauers.

Back home we set traps for things like that.

You know, every day hundreds of you
out-of-town Cinderellas come

pouring into New York, expecting to meet
Prince Charming at the corner bus stop.

Do you know who you run into
at that bus stop?

Twelve other Cinderellas with the same idea.

Oh, honey, put away the fairy tale.
There never was a Prince Charming.

Sir Lancelot probably had acid indigestion.

My knight in shining armor is named Lester.

He's 42 and his mother still
calls him "Sonny."

- Good night, Mr. Hunter.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good evening, Mr. Hunter.
- Good evening.

Good night, Mr. Hunter.

- Good night, Miss Borie. Miss...
- Corman.

Good night.

Mr. Hunter, nice man.

But ask his wife, maybe he snores.

They all have faults.

I'm not looking forward to Lester's mother
living with us. But I'm realistic.

I'm 33 and he's the last gas station
before I hit the desert.

Here's your humidor, Miss Borie.

- What's it doing here?
- I just picked it up at the engraver's.

It was supposed to go out
on the 4:00 delivery.

Tommy, I promised the customer.
Look, it says, "Rush. Special."

Don't yell at me, Miss Borie.
I'm gettin' drafted tomorrow.

I need all the love and affection I can get.

Love you'll get from your sergeant.

I gave the woman my word
it would be delivered today.

"To my darling.
Thank you for two wonderful years."

I'd deliver it myself, but I'm going
over to Lester's house tonight.

His mother hasn't been feeling too well.

Well, where does it go?

East 64th Street.
It's on my way to French class.

- I'll drop it off.
- You're a doll. I'll see you tomorrow.

I hope Lester's mother's better.

Ever since we told her we're getting married,
she's been bedridden with joy.

- Pardon me.
- Yes, ma'am?

Could you tell me what apartment
is Miss Muriel Laszlo's?

- Fourteen B.
- Thank you.

Just a minute!

I'll get it, honey.

Miss Laszlo ordered this humidor.

It came back from the engraver
too late for the last delivery truck

so I thought I'd drop it off.

Thank you, Miss Corman.

You're welcome.

Who is it, darling?

Come in.

Sit down, please.

Miss Corman,

I've always prided myself on my ability

to spot an employee
who has executive potential.

Now, this potential is
sometimes brought to your attention

under the most unusual conditions.

But you know immediately this person
will go far in your organization.

Now you sense intelligence,
initiative, dedication,

and most important, discreetness.

That quality, above all,
in the business world, Miss Corman,

the executive who says nothing
is known for his wisdom.

Mr. Hunter, there's no
justification for a promotion.

All I did last night

was deliver a package
to a customer's apartment.

And the customer's name?

- A Miss Laszlo.
- Miss. And who opened the door?

- You did.
- A married man.

You just happened to be there
drinking a martini.

In a dressing gown,
with an unmarried woman.

What conclusion would you draw from that?

- You don't like drinking alone?
- I have a wife!

Why don't I drink with her?

Now that we've established my guilt,
I think you will concede

that promotion is a proper subject
for discussion.

Not under these conditions.

I would be accepting a bribe
to remain quiet.

Miss Corman,

I always search for honesty and integrity.

It's unfortunate to run across it
at this particular moment.

Couldn't you find it in your heart
to be just a little corrupt?

Mr. Hunter,

my continued presence in this store

will make you feel uncomfortable.

I think it best that I resign.

And you would, too.

Miss Corman, I'm sorry that my offer

had to arise
under such unusual circumstances.

But there is an opening in merchandising.

And you do have character,
integrity and principle.

It'd be interesting to see if an executive
could survive with such handicaps.

I really wish you would reconsider my offer.

Think about it, please?

Yes?

Mr. Hunter, Mr. Bauer's on line one.

What is it, Bauer?

Mr. Hunter,
on the vacancy in merchandising.

There's a Miss Hennessy
who has great potential.

I'll be interviewing her later.

I should have a recommendation
by morning.

Mr. Hunter.

Hold on, Bauer. What is it?

I've thought it over. I'll take the job.

You...

No wonder she turned me down.

Everett, isn't that the blonde
that was in Gifts?

Yes. Miss Corman has had
a remarkable career,

considering she's only been here
three months.

Of course,
it's easy to climb the ladder of success

when your boyfriend owns the ladder.

You mean, Hunter and...

I didn't notice any executive abilities,
but I only see her between 9:00 and 5:00.

Obviously, she has talents that emerge only

after hours.

Mrs. Hunter. Mrs. Hunter!

Harry has a mistress!

I said my husband has a mistress.
Aren't you shocked?

I just got back from Rome.
Nothing could shock me.

No comment?

Well, obviously this is no time
for congratulations,

particularly to the wife.

Are you sure?

Have you seen the girl?

No, but a wife can sense it.

It's his attitude when he comes home.
He just sits there and smiles.

That's a belligerent attitude?

Now, when we were first married,
I could infuriate him with a word.

I was able to reach him.

- He just sits there and smiles?
- It's maddening!

He stays away two nights a week,
says he sleeps at the club, business.

- Says it's too late to catch the last train.
- Maybe it's true.

Too late to catch the last train?

When we were first married,
he'd walk those 25 miles to get to me.

Mary, that was 12 years ago.

You know,
they say in baseball and marriage,

the first thing to go are the legs, you know?

Harry's not the mistress type.

You know,
I spent four years in the Army with him

and he was even too shy
to ask a girl for a date.

- Maybe marriage has matured him.
- Oh, ask him. Harry's never been a liar.

I wouldn't degrade myself.
My attorney will ask him that question.

Your attorney?

You'd spend $20,000
for an answer you could get

by just simply turning over in bed
and tapping your husband on the shoulder?

You mean on those rare occasions
when I find him there?

Mary, I was best man at your wedding.

Now, let me talk to Harry.
After all, what's the role of a best man?

To help head off the divorce.

Heaven knows I've tried to be a good wife.

To make a comfortable home for him.

I've refurnished it three times
in the past five years.

I spent hours every day shopping
for clothes to make myself attractive.

I've even denied myself children
to keep my figure for him.

I know how vain men are about their wives.

Twelve years of sacrifice,
and what do I end up with?

Every penny he's got!

Harry, you didn't answer the question.

Why is it the only time
a wife knows how you feel

is when you feel it for another woman?

- Are you surprised?
- A little.

- You disapprove?
- Harry, I'm a bachelor.

I just go to the USO dances.
I can't sit in judgment on the combat troops.

Now you're getting the idea
about marriage, old buddy.

That there's a war going on
out there in the suburbs.

Do you want to know what life is like
in those split-level trenches?

I'm a casualty.

- I'm one of the walking wounded.
- Well, according to Mary

you're spending a couple nights a week
at a first-aid station.

Yeah, I knew you wouldn't understand.

Harry, 12 years ago I saw you and Mary

leave that wedding chapel hand in hand,
having just vowed eternal love.

Now, tell me, what turns those people
into bitter enemies?

Maybe it starts the first time you come home
20 minutes late for dinner

and your wife greets you at the door
with those welcoming words,

"The meat loaf is cold."

Your first instinct is to say,
"If it's cold, reheat the lousy thing."

Instead you apologize,
you say you love cold meat loaf.

That cold meat loaf you eat is your Munich.

You've said, "Peace at any price."

It's when you light a cigar in the living room

and she sniffs as though
you're polluting the air.

Rather than contaminate
this delicate flower you've married,

you go out and finish the cigar
on the front lawn,

like a dog who's being
punished for soiling the rug.

Maybe the first night
she uses the ultimate weapon.

You walk into your bedroom
and there on the night table next to her

stands the aspirin bottle
with a grim message,

"Have a headache. Don't touch."
What do you do?

Don't touch.

You curl up in the fetal position
and you pray for merciful sleep.

And children? Children!
She won't even discuss it!

I always wanted a child.
And if it were a boy, H.H. Hunter and Son.

I guess that's how it starts.

There are no violent scenes.
No drawn knives or blazing guns.

Just a thousand little frustrations.

And suddenly, one night,
you find yourself with a perfect stranger.

Who brings you the happiness
you didn't have with your wife.

When your marriage isn't going well,

the last thing you look for
is another woman.

How come it's the first thing you find?
How come?

It all happens quite innocently.
A new girl comes to work in the store.

Casual good mornings, a chance drink,
an occasional dinner.

And slowly, slowly, there's a revelation.

A woman who has only one concern,
your happiness.

Did you work hard? Are you tired?

Are you hungry?

Somehow the meat loaf is never cold.

She lights my cigars.

And no aspirin bottle?

You've really found happiness
with this girl?

The difference between a wife's,
"Oh, you're home,"

and a woman with love saying,
"You're home."

Do you know what that means?

Harry, the fighting was started by an
unfortunate remark.

Someone said,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

The battle rages on for 10 years,

then the soldier deserts in a barrage
of aspirin and cold meat loaf.

Then he finds refuge in a high-rent foxhole.

Now, is that the act of a...

- Well, a coward or a man of courage?
- I don't know.

What do you think it is?

Harry, it's your war.
I can't tell you how to fight it.

Dave! Hey, Dave!

Dave. I haven't seen you at the club.
Where have you been?

Rome. The firm's setting up a branch.

How are the girls there?

- Planning a trip?
- No.

Then why torture yourself?

How does our domestic crop hit you?

Harry picked himself a good one, huh?

Her?

How'd you like to have that
to tell your troubles to?

Beats an analyst.
I'll see you at the club, Wally.

Right.

My, what an attractive man.
And such a friendly smile.

So that's Heaven to Harry.

Oh, I wish he'd say something.

Why is it the wrong men
always start conversations?

Not bad looking,
but I wouldn't leave home for her.

When he leaves this elevator, you'll
never see him again. You say something.

- Pardon me.
- Yes.

- Do you have the time?
- No.

- It's 5:10.
- Thank you.

That was brilliant.
He must think you're an idiot.

Harry didn't say she was bright,
just never got headaches.

- Deux daiquiris, s'il vous plait.
- Oui, Monsieur.

The first night that you walked
into French class I said,

"This is the girl that I want to
s'il vous plait with

"for the rest of my life."

Roger, I've enjoyed
taking French lessons with you.

And I like going to concerts
and museums with you.

But that's as far as it goes.

- You're like one of the family.
- But that shouldn't rule out marriage.

I mean, husbands are often thought of
as one of the family.

Roger, I don't love you.

Carol, marriage is a serious subject.

Now, you mustn't drag in emotional issues.

You see, in the insurance business
we deal in cold facts and research.

We are a good marriage risk.

Statistically, we will be
in the upper third economic level.

We will have 2.7 children.

Roger, I'm not questioning your figures,

but I don't want a 0.7 child.

I don't want a marriage
blessed by a slide rule.

It is an emotional decision.

We have never tested
your emotional reaction to me.

We never kissed.

You see, you might experience that thing
that you call love.

Shouldn't we research the possibility?

That seems fair.

Well?

Someday you'll find a girl

who'll be happy to be the mother
of your 2.7 children.

Is anything wrong?

I think a very good friend of mine is
making a serious mistake.

He may be trading in a woman who gets
headaches for one who gives 'em.

- Harry?
- Yes?

I've had martinis all over the world

- and I can safely say...
- Yeah?

...that yours are the worst.

Every time you have
something unpleasant to say,

you always soften the blow
by insulting me first.

- Harry...
- What is it, old buddy?

That's the fifth time.
That's the fifth time you've said "Harry."

Now if you can get by that mental block,

I have a feeling
there's something you want to tell me.

- Harry...
- Sixth.

All right. This girl that lights your cigar,

you know, and keeps the meat loaf warm,
you want to tell me about her?

- How do you describe a saint?
- Usually they're dead.

Now, a saint she ain't.
So throw me a few of her mortal qualities.

Honest, loyal,

selfless, devoted,

dedicated, understanding.

You've never met anyone like this.

I don't think you have either.

And I pity the wife of a man
who thinks he has.

- Sloane, you're cynical.
- No, I'm overwhelmed.

I don't think you can feed a disbeliever
too much religion at one time.

Her understanding. It's Thursday.
One of the nights I see her.

Mary's mother is here for a visit.
I have to be home.

- When I called to tell her, did she complain?
- Never.

She chokes back a sob and says,
"Be nice to your mother-in-law." Huh?

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Now with my mother-in-law,
is that understanding?

I'm humbled.

Now let's kick around a few
of those other virtues, like loyalty. Huh?

The nights you don't go to see her,
how does she fill those empty hours?

- Let's take last night.
- Oh, that's a good night.

Last night she stayed home,
washed my bathrobe

and pickled a jar of tomatoes.

She stayed home last night
and pickled tomatoes for you?

She knows I love 'em.
She lives to please me.

Now you beginning to get the picture?

Harry, the pickling, you know, the story
you used, that just about convinced me.

Pickling. Pickling for you.

- You still have reservations.
- No, no, no...

Yes, you do. You do. You do.

All right, let me tell you a little
about her background.

Born in a Pennsylvania mining town.

Alcoholic father,
overworked, neglected mother.

Then one day the mother runs away
with a salesman.

The good people of the town
find a place for her to live.

A home for girls.
That circle marks her room.

Ran away when she was 15.

Pushover for the first guy with a kind word,

who happened to be a pool hustler.

Left her after three months.

Worked as a carhop,
second-class night clubs.

Learned life the hard way,
but refused to let it drag her down.

Went to night school, got a job here.

With all the ugliness she's seen,
there is still no bitterness.

There's only one thing left,
one thing missing, Harry.

- What's that?
- Christmas Eve, a lonely little girl

running through the snow, looking
into lighted windows of happy homes,

sadly wondering how God could forget her.
Huh?

- Let her tell you about that night.
- What?

I know, I know.
You're asking me if she's worth it.

- Well, you find out for yourself.
- Harry, it's your life.

Call her, see her. Talk to her.

She is a saint, David. Go to her.

Visit the shrine, so you can throw
away your crutches of disbelief.

It's him!

Well, if it isn't the saint herself.

Washing his bathrobe, pickling tomatoes.

And you're getting away with it.

How often do you get a second chance?
Don't let it slip away.

Maybe I ought to get to know you
a little better.

Well, do something. Have a convulsion.
Maybe he'll notice you.

- Have you any plans for tonight?
- Just a convulsion.

Wouldn't you rather have a drink?

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

My name is David Sloane, and well,
I find you terribly attractive.

Are you married?

You emotionally involved
with any other man?

Is there any other reason why
you and I shouldn't have a drink together?

Let's go have a drink.

- That way.
- Oh.

I'm convinced fate plays an important part
in people's lives.

Normally, I take French lessons every
Tuesday and Thursday,

but Mr. Bressard, our teacher, took ill,

so class was canceled tonight.
Do you believe in fate?

I'm beginning to.

When you smile,
you look a lot like my brother Tommy.

- You have a brother?
- Two. Tommy and Alan.

Tommy's an anthropologist.
Alan works for Central Intelligence.

Central Intelligence?

I have a confession to make.

In the elevator,
I was hoping you'd start a conversation.

Very few girls would admit it.
Such honesty is rare.

Oh, honesty is just something
you grow up with.

Why, back home in Montana,
I was born in Helena...

Montana?

- You were born in Montana?
- Right.

My father always said,
"Plant a cabbage, grow a cabbage.

"The same with a lie."

- Daddy had a high moral code.
- He's a missionary.

Daddy's a missionary? And Mother?

Oh, she teaches music
in the school for blind children.

Stanley?

Then on Sundays, Father would barbecue
in the backyard.

And Mother would make the salad

and then later brother Tommy would
play the guitar.

- No, Alan played the guitar.
- Alan played the guitar.

Then you'd all sit around and sing
folk songs.

- Taxi.
- Oh, David?

Could we go to a little hamburger
place I know on 49th Street?

Somehow it always reminds me of Sundays
back home.

Well, I was thinking of the 21 Club,

- but if you'd rather...
- Would you mind?

Oh, no. I'm just unhappy that
Alan won't be there to play the guitar.

And after you got out
of Montana State College?

I paid Uncle Raymond a visit
and stayed six years.

Brace yourself for this one.
And what did Uncle Raymond do?

He ran a little jungle hospital in Brazil.

After he died fighting the epidemic,
I came to New York.

Fighting the epidemic?

To die in the name of humanity, how noble.

Such a rare combination.
So masculine and yet so sensitive.

If she has the guts to tell me a story
like that,

why haven't I got the guts
to hit her with that ketchup bottle?

Sloane and Curtis Security Investments.
And you're Sloane.

- Easy, easy.
- It sounds very impressive.

Well, in a way, we're like
your Uncle Raymond in the jungle.

Only our little hospital is on Wall Street

where, well, we nurse sick corporations
back to health.

You've been at the store two days in a row.

Is Mr. Hunter in any financial trouble?

Well, it's nice of you to be so concerned.

Well, there are so many people
who are dependent on him.

Yeah, I know.

It's not critical.

He made one unwise investment,

but I think we caught it in time.

Oh, my neighbor,
Mr. Slotkin, is a traveling salesman.

And when he's away,
they leave his laundry here.

Very attractive apartment.

I sublease it from a girl who went to Europe.

I've been looking for another place.

The other night I saw an apartment
at 355 East 64th.

It was a dream.

Does Sloane and Curtis finance
working girls who like luxury living?

You'd like to improve
your present position?

If it could be arranged.

It would take the proper financing.

High finance.

- I'll have to leave the details to you.
- Oh, I'll take care of it.

Now that my future is in your hands,

would you care for some coffee and cake?

- Oh, I'd like to, but I have to go.
- Why?

I have a friend who's in trouble.
He doesn't know it

and I have to warn him.

You're the kind of man who would go
out in the middle of the night

to help a friend.

David?

This has been a very special evening for me.

Me, too.

Mary's mother gave that to me
as a present. She trained it.

She would show it photos of me and
say, "Kill, kill."

- Harry...
- No, not too loud.

I think his collar's been bugged.

Harry, cradle that affectionate little
creature in your arms.

Add a wing to your house so Mary's
mother can be with you forever.

Will you roll up your sleeve so I can
see the needle marks?

Will you stop?

Throw yourself at Mary's feet
and beg forgiveness.

Season her cold meat loaf
with tears of gratitude.

And that cursed aspirin bottle
on her night table,

"Let he who is without sin
cast the first aspirin."

Dragged out in the middle of the night
to hear the ravings of a madman.

- What happened?
- I visited your shrine.

No shrine. It's a medicine show.
She's a monumental fraud.

- That's vicious.
- She's playing the old shell game, Harry,

only she's playing it with jars
of pickled tomatoes.

You need help, Sloane. Turn yourself in.

Ah, she's scheming,
she's clever and ruthless.

I'd turn that dog loose on you if
I wasn't afraid he'd tear me apart.

Believe me, Harry, the first guy that
comes along with a better offer,

she'll be pickling tomatoes
at a new address.

You came across a lovely poem,

and out of it you made something you see
scrawled in a men's room.

Make her a better offer.

What?

Yeah. You're successful,
you're charming in a sneaky way.

- Make her a better offer.
- Hey, don't involve me.

Don't involve the assassin?
You struck in the dark.

- You've destroyed the girl's character.
- All I destroyed was a boy's fantasy.

To save a boy's marriage.
Make her a better offer.

If she doesn't beat you to death
with her tiny fists,

I'll go back to Mary,
to her mother and to that dog.

You'll really give it an honest try with Mary?

I'll make my peace with all three of them.

I'll be a devoted, model husband to Mary,

I'll try to get along with the beast,

and I'll even make an effort to make
friends with that dog.

My marriage is in your hands, old buddy.

He's loose! He's loose!

It's one of our nicer apartments.
I'm sure your friend will be pleased.

Well, I think
it's exactly what she had in mind.

- You'd better take the key.
- Oh, thank you.

- And...
- Oh, yes.

Good morning.

Oh, Miss Laszlo, Mister Sloane.

Mister Sloane has just rented
an apartment for a friend of his.

Oh, how nice.
I'm sure she'll be very happy here.

If there's anything she wants or just
needs to talk,

tell her to knock on my door, anytime.

Oh, how neighborly.

I'm up very late and it's nice to have
company when you cry.

Miss Laszlo watches all the old pictures

and a lot of the actors have passed away.

I saw a marvelous comedy last night.

The entire cast was dead.

Such a pleasant man.
What a shame he has an unhappy marriage.

He's a lot like Harry.

I could tell by that hurt look in his eyes.
He must have tried with his wife.

Really tried.

And now he's going to try
with this Miss Corman.

And if Miss Corman puts on a little
too much weight,

he'll take that hurt look
to a more slender girl.

I know you had a bad experience, Thelma,
but you mustn't be bitter.

I gave that man 14 years of my life,

then he got an appointment
to the Circuit Court,

right away he decided a judge shouldn't
be touched by scandal.

Well, maybe it was a coincidence,

but he didn't start worrying about scandal
until I developed back trouble.

The only nice thing you can say about men
is they're all the same.

David.

- Where are we going?
- No questions. It's a surprise.

Oh, good. I love surprises.

I'll just drive around.
You tell me when I'm getting warm.

355 East 64th Street.

Here it is.

It's lovely.

Marvelous view,

wonderful terrace,

pretty mirror,

great bedroom,

dining room,

and a modern kitchen.

I know you must love to cook.

I'm going to be cooking in the kitchen?

We'll take turns.

May I ask one question?

You and I here?

Well, Carol, you know,
every once in a while two people meet

and there's an immediate understanding.

Now I could go through all the,
you know, romantic formalities.

But I don't think you and I
have to observe all the rituals

because we both knew what would happen.

But if you think that I'm
taking things for granted...

I mean, well, if you don't feel that way...

Oh, but I do.

And it's true, David.
I knew it from the beginning.

It has happened fast, but I know it's right.

We belong together. That's all that counts.

I'll try to be the best wife
in the whole world.

David, there's something wrong, isn't there?

Carol...

Tell me, what is it?

I wish I knew where to begin.

Whatever the problem,
there's always a solution.

Believe me, I'm trying to think of one.

Oh, let's walk.

That's what my mother and father used
to do whenever they had a problem.

They'd walk and think, and pretty soon
the answer would come.

- It's only a matter of time.
- Time. Time. Yes, funny, time.

I need... Oh, I need time.

Carol, I think I'm ready.

She was a gentle, delicate creature,
full of life and love.

It was our wedding day.

It rained. It was bitter and cold.

She had a fever.

But she didn't want to disappoint me
or the guests.

Oh, Edna was that kind of girl.

After the ceremony,
I carried her from the church.

Her wedding chamber was a hospital bed.

David! David!

Her last words were,

"Promise me I'll be your bride forever."

I swore I'd never marry again.

It's been five years.

She always loved the sun.

Someday I'm going to have her moved
to the sunny part of the cemetery.

Edna, sleep well.

David, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

When I mentioned marriage to you,
it must have been an awful moment.

It sent a chill right through me.

I can only offer a woman comforts
and luxuries of life.

But never marriage?

Carol,

I know how difficult it is for
a lady of your moral code

to accept a relationship like this.

If you're not there tomorrow,

I'll understand.

Come in.

Mr. Slotkin. How are you?

Wounded,
but still carrying my sample case high.

Don't ever try selling
four-button Italian suits in Joplin, Missouri.

They're bringing
your blue suit back Monday.

You know, if Lewis and Clark had
carried a line of men's clothing,

the whole expedition
would have been a flop.

They didn't like the suits, fine.

They weren't even laughing at my jokes.

There are some people who think
Rembrandt can't paint.

My wife, may she rest in peace,
used to say the same thing.

Mr. Slotkin, why didn't you ever remarry?

I don't know. You get used to one person.

Even the arguments we had,

I'd feel guilty
if I had them with someone else.

You miss her?

You try to keep busy.

There are some tough days.
Thanksgiving dinner alone.

I remember I spent one Christmas Eve
sitting in Central Park.

I just hope I don't end up
in an old salesman's home

with a nurse who has no sense of humor.

Yes? Oh, thank you.

Good morning, Carol.

Will you be home for dinner tonight?

Nothing could keep me away.

Betcha that must have been a tough
decision to make.

Must have been up all night wrestling
with your suitcases.

Where are you going?

Phil, you can start raising funds
to erect a monument in my honor.

What nobler deed can man perform than
reunite husband and wife?

I've heard of nobler deeds.

- Hi.
- I'm Muriel Laszlo. I live next door.

- I'm Carol Corman.
- This is Smoolie.

Oh, hello.

Oh, here.

Welcome to the building.

Well, thank you. Bread and salt?

It's tradition. It means,
"May there always be food in the house."

Oh, that's a lovely thought. Come on in.

Can I help you unpack?

Sure, thanks.

I'm always up late watching television.

If you need anything, knock on the wall.

Oh, I will.

I saw a picture last night.

At the end, George Brent was going to jail
for 20 years

and Kay Francis promised to wait for him.

Now, that was loyalty.

I don't think any of the newer
actresses would wait that long.

Oh, probably not.

Sylvia Sydney was another good waiter.

- Oh, no!
- Something wrong?

Oh, a woman can take all the closet space.

She can even keep his shirts under the bed.

But that bottom shelf belongs to him.

When he comes in in the morning
and reaches for the shaving cream...

And gets a face full of hairspray.
Oh, that's not good.

It's a bad way to start the day.

- The bottom shelf is his.
- It's tradition.

Like bread and salt.
May there always be a man in the house.

You know, it's funny,
no matter how nice a man is,

and there's no one nicer than Harry,

there are certain
little things that irritate them.

Muriel, have I violated any other traditions?

Well...

What?

Does he smoke in bed?

I don't know.

Well, just in case he does.

Men are funny.

He'd drop ashes in your flowers
and then you'd be irritated.

And that's not good either.

It's the worst way to end the day.

Anything else?

When he comes home at night and he's
quiet and you ask him what's wrong,

and he says, "Nothing," never say,
"What do you mean, nothing?"

Because he doesn't mean nothing.
It's something.

If he really had nothing on his mind,
he'd tell you all about it.

When I figure that out,
I'm going to try to remember it.

From the beginning you've been
determined to vilify this innocent girl.

Harry, this is one of the most painful
duties I've ever had to perform.

Sloane, I'm ashamed to dignify this
evil lie with a phone call.

When I hang up, I expect you to walk
into the next room,

and soon after, I want to hear a gunshot.

Harry, she's moving.

Why don't you try Murray Hill 47598?

Oh, would you mind?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

I trusted her. I believed in her.

Harry, hey, it's not the end of the world.
Sit down. No.

It's just a girl you knew. It wasn't your wife.

That would have been easier.
You don't expect as much from a wife.

Forget it. Go home to Mary.

Not before she learns what it means
to cross Harry H. Hunter.

- Revenge!
- I'll get it for you tonight.

Tonight I'll get it for you.

I can't wait to see her face
when I tell her what she is.

No, no.
Don't give her the satisfaction of anger.

Act as if you're the one that's
breaking it off. Huh?

Yeah, send her a note.
Here, write her a note.

Send it by messenger,
a letter of termination.

That's right. I'll break it off.

- Cold, formal, unemotional.
- "You...

"You craven..."

- Harry, no, no, Harry...
- "You craven, double-crossing..."

Harry, write this.

"This is to inform you..."

"This is to inform you..."

- "...that as of..."
- "...that as of..."

- "...today..."
- "...today..."

- That's D-A-Y, not D-E-Y.
- D-A-Y.

- "...that our relationship..."
- "...that our relationship..."

- "...is terminated."
- "...is terminated."

- "And good luck..."
- "And good luck..."

- "...on any future..."
- "...on any future..."

- "...relationship..."
- "...relationship..."

- "...you may form."
- "...you may form."

Oh, I see, that's good, that's good.
I see what you mean.

Cold, unemotional.
Like firing an old trusted employee.

Now you're getting the idea.

And then, when I go and tell her what
I think of her,

she'll still figure
she can have you to fall back on.

- In comes the note.
- Oh, that's beautiful.

That's beautiful. Oh, that'll destroy her.

David, only a cruel, sadistic mind
could think of that.

Now you're beginning to appreciate me.

- Hi.
- Oh, hello there.

I was just bringing these to your apartment.

What do you like best?
Roast beef, leg of lamb or shrimp curry?

It's important. Pick one.

- Leg of lamb.
- What?

- Leg of lamb.
- Carol is amazing.

She sensed that you would like leg of lamb.
She's out shopping.

Now you enjoy that dinner tonight,
because she spent two hours planning it.

- Oh, who are you looking for?
- Miss Muriel Laszlo?

Oh, that's me.

Thank you.

"This is to inform you that as of today

"I am terminating our relationship,

"and good luck on any
future relationship that you may form.

"I will always remember our association
of the past few years

"with some affection.

"I hope that you will reciprocate this feeling

"by not writing, calling or
attempting to contact me in any way.

"The rent is paid until the 3rd, but the gas
and water will be turned off on the 1st.

"You are welcome to consume any
remaining foodstuffs,

"but please return my transistor radio.

"Sincerely, Harry Hubert Hunter."

Mr. Sloane, tell me this is a bad dream.

- I wish I could.
- We were so happy together.

After two years, to be sent a note.

If you ever leave Miss Corman,
don't tell her this way.

Take her to the movies
and a Chinese dinner first.

- Harry!
- Dave, old buddy.

What are you doing? Mary and I
are going on a second honeymoon.

And you did it all.

Sweetheart, you shouldn't carry
anything as heavy as this.

What are husbands for?
Watch your footsies, angel.

- Hello, David.
- Hi, Mary.

Have a nice trip.

What can a man say at a time like this?

Absolutely nothing.

David?

Hello, darling.

It was my great grandmother's.

The wagon train
was on its way to Fort Mercer.

They didn't think they would ever reach it.

Under the stars on an open plain,

she pledged her love
to my great grandfather.

That night, in her diary, she wrote,

"I am his, just as surely as though

"a thousand ministers
had intoned our marriage vows."

I wanted to wear this the first night
you came home.

David, I pledge you my love.

- Do you like a drink before dinner?
- Drink? Yes, a drink.

Three ice-cubes, scotch until it covers
the ice, a splash of soda and a lemon peel.

I want to remember that.

- Carol...
- Oh, I left Hunter's today.

You quit your job?

Well, darling, my job now is to take
care of you. Make you happy.

I didn't know which paper you read,
so I bought them all.

No starch. I'll remember that.

David, the bathroom's free.

I shopped for you today. I had to guess.

If the pajamas are too small,
I'll return them tomorrow.

David, David, are you all right?

I'm in the tub.

You've been in there so long,
I was getting worried.

I'm dirty.

I had a cousin who fell asleep
and almost drowned.

And don't use the electric razor in the water.
You can electrocute yourself.

This is it, Sloane. You've got to tell her.

Go tell her. Tell her.

Of course you've got to tell her,
but why the rush?

Tell her in the morning.

Sloane, you're a swine. Tell her!

- Carol...
- Yes, darling?

Get in that bed and tell her!

David, what is it?

It's Edna, isn't it?

When I wore great grandmother's
wedding mantilla

it brought back bitter memories.

A hospital, a promise to a dying girl.

And now you feel guilty, as though

being with me
were a betrayal of that promise.

Talk about it, David.

- It'll make it easier.
- Oh, no, no. It's easier this way.

I respect you for cherishing a memory,

but you have done nothing to feel
guilty about.

Not yet.

That trusting smile after she closed
her eyes,

it'll always be a barrier between us.

Any barrier can be scaled if you have
something to cling to.

Reach out, David. Hold me.

- Forgive me, Edna!
- She will.

- Darling, she will.
- But I could never forgive myself.

Oh, darling,
what you must be going through.

- I know how you're suffering.
- It's torture.

You accepted that I can't marry.

I can't ask you to accept this.
Leave me, Carol, leave me.

But I love you.

Night after night, to lie there holding hands,
it's inhuman.

I can't ask that of you.

How soon before your love turns to pity
and pity to hate?

David, we'll work it out.

- She'll always come between us.
- Give it a chance.

All I ask is a few days. Just a few days.

And then if you still want me to, I'll leave.

Good night, darling.

Why didn't you tell her in the morning?

- Miss Corman...
- Yes?

We can arrange to move Mrs. Sloane
to the sunny side,

- as you requested.
- Thank you.

And we'll bill Mr. Sloane at this address?

Yes.

I'm sure she'll be happier there.

Edna, help David.

He mustn't go through life
burdened by guilt.

He deserves some happiness.

Don't touch those rocks!

Do you want to break the spell?

I'm sorry. You knew her?

For 20 miserable years
she was my mother-in-law.

Your mother-in-law?

When she died, she vowed to come back
and get me.

I picked this up in Haiti.
It keeps them from getting out.

I hope you haven't broken the spell.

Stay in there.

We've lost him again. Your shot, Dave.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, once upon a time,
there was a carefree, debonair bachelor

who met a very beautiful girl.

Does this story have a happy ending,
or do they get married?

As the relationship developed,

the man
was not completely truthful with her

and it disturbed him.

A bachelor's conscience
is a woman's best friend.

Now the girl's intelligent,
very much in love, eager,

and the subject of
marriage will never be mentioned.

And yet the man has seriously
considered giving it all up.

I can forgive an attack of conscience,
but never stupidity.

Now in the spirit of fair play,

the man has created an emotional problem.

But tonight he is about to have
a miraculous recovery.

You miserable, treacherous, despicable...

A little more to the left and you get
him right through the heart.

I checked the records.
His dying bride was 87 years old.

Oh, that did it!

The twisted, perverted mind
that would make up a story like that.

Keep throwing. It'll help.

I work out on the judge's old bathrobe
when I remember the things he did.

It's good therapy.

- You're evil!
- It's so hard to believe.

- He seemed like such a nice man.
- He's an animal.

A depraved, cunning animal.

Death to the beast!

Keep throwing until you work it off.
Oh, they're all the same.

The judge, Mister Sloane, Harry.

Thelma, I will not permit you
to speak ill of Harry.

Last night on that couch I shed tears of pity.

I just don't understand.
You slept on the couch and he...

- Jungle cunning.
- Right.

He sacrificed one night.

After that would I ever dare breathe
the word "marriage"?

I think we can look forward to his
having a miraculous recovery.

Barbarian! Defiler of trusting women!

That's a good spot.

- Hi.
- Welcome home.

To Carol, who in my darkest hour,
brought hope and understanding.

Thank you.

And now that I know,
there's so much more I can do.

David, you're practically bolting your food.
Do you have an appointment?

No, I just feel like getting dinner
out of the way.

You just relax while I do the dishes.

- Why don't you do them in the morning?
- Can't. It's my upbringing.

Father always said, "Never put off
for tomorrow what you can do tonight."

Oh, I'll go along with Daddy on that.

Easy, easy, easy.

- David.
- Carol.

Holes? Must be moths.

It's an Italian movie.

The soldier has been tragically wounded.

He wants the girl to leave him.

He doesn't want her to be denied
a normal life.

She convinces him there's so much
two people can share.

The sunset, the dawn,

art, travel, music, companionship.

And it's true, David, it's so true.

Two people in love can survive any hardship
as long as they're together.

Carol, do you believe in miracles?

- Yes.
- Do you know where I spent the afternoon?

At the cemetery, with Edna.

And I told her how much I needed you.

Suddenly there was a shaft of light,
it shone right though the trees.

Then I seemed to hear Edna's voice.

Carol, your hand is like ice.

- I'm fine. Go ahead.
- Oh. She said, well, she waited

until we were reunited.

You know, she didn't want me to suffer,
so it's okay.

Edna wants me to be happy.

Oh, David, if only I'd known.

- Known what?
- That you'd come home with a miracle.

- Oh, why didn't I wait?
- Wait for what?

Nothing.

I'm so ashamed.

Ashamed of what?

- Nothing.
- Well, if it's nothing, tell me.

I can't. It's too awful.

- Carol. Tell me.
- Please, David.

Don't make me hurt you.

A man. You were with a man.

I was thinking of you the whole time.

His face was your face, his arms were
your arms, his lips were your lips.

- Why?
- To save our relationship.

You told me that desire would turn to pity
and pity to hate.

And I did feel desire last night.

So you let another man make love to you?

I was only fighting for our happiness.

I didn't want to ever hate you.

- Who was it?
- A man.

- What was his name?
- I don't know.

You didn't even ask his name?

- It didn't seem important.
- Where'd you meet him?

Well, I stopped in this bar,

confused about last night,

and he passed me the peanuts.

I had to have somebody to talk to.

He fed you peanuts
and solved your problem?

Where's the bar? What bar?
Where's the bar? Where?

I'm not sure.

Somewhere in the Village.

Greenwich Village? Get dressed.

Get dressed!

- Is this the bar?
- I don't know.

We've been to so many already.
They all look alike.

Well, look around. See if he's here.

Well, don't blame him.
He was only trying to be helpful.

Somewhere in this neighborhood
there's a beast with peanuts in one hand,

a martini in the other, waiting to pounce
on any women with emotional problems.

- Dave, how are you?
- Fine.

- Come on.
- Who is that man?

Phil Curtis, my partner.

He's very important to your career, isn't he?

There's another bar down...
What difference would that make?

Nothing.

- Then why did you ask?
- Let's try that bar down the street.

- Was he the one?
- I want to go.

- Was he?
- David, he's your partner.

The last thing in the world I want to do
is make trouble.

- I blocked for him on the football team.
- Well, I didn't know.

- When I mentioned your name...
- He knew it was me?

- Can I see you for a second, Phil?
- Why so grim?

Remember that touchdown you scored
in the Dartmouth game?

And I broke my collarbone taking out
the safety man?

That was friendship, Phil.

Arrested and locked up like a caged animal.

- And by your partner.
- Carol.

It can break up the firm, ruin you financially.

- Yeah.
- Oh, what have I done to you?

Carol, the bail.
Look, go to the Executive Club.

59th Street.
Ask for Tom Webber or Jim Sanders.

They'll be playing billiards.
Now tell them why I need the money.

And hurry. Carol, hurry. Just hurry.

Darling, don't try to escape.
This man will shoot you down.

- You would, wouldn't you?
- Yes, ma'am.

One, two, three, four, five.
Good old Webber and Sanders.

I was beginning to think I didn't have
a friend left I could trust.

Carol, why did you stop?

Oh, nothing. They gave me the money.

Look at me. What... Look at me.

What happened?
What happened at the club?

To give for the man you love is no sacrifice.

Sacrifice?

What did you sacrifice?

David, all men are not like you.

- Webber and Sanders?
- Forgive them.

All they said was that money doesn't
grow on trees.

It has to be earned.

Where did it happen? Where did it happen?

I was in a hurry to get back to you.

In the billiard room? In the billiard room?

Their lips were your lips,
their arms were your arms.

Hi, Dave. Want to play?

On this table?

Oh, David, David, it's tearing me to pieces
to see you like this.

I'll go to see the chief psychiatrist.
I'll plead with him.

No, don't. He's a man.

Now, you've been through enough.

Now, just get into a taxi.
Go straight home.

And be sure the driver's a woman.

Just let me stand here and look at you
for another moment.

No, don't torture yourself.
Just get out, get out.

But to see you like this,
and to know that I'm responsible...

Strapped to a bed in a psychiatric ward,
and I had to miss it.

It was beautiful!

You should have taken pictures.
Were they beating him?

I'm going to find out what the visiting hours
are and bring him some soup.

Soup? Find out if they have a double bed
so they can strap Harry in with him.

Thelma, I have asked you not to speak

in a derogatory manner about Mr. Hunter.

Oh, my baby, oh, my sweetheart.
Get down, darling.

I figure first Curtis, then his two
friends at the club.

That ought to get him about a year.

Give him time to think about Edna.

As a shaft of light shines through
the bars of his cell,

he can hear her voice say,

"Darling, they've moved me
to the sunny side.

"Pay the bill."

She's escaped!

I told her not to move those rocks.

Edna, you keep away from me.

I didn't, Edna.

I didn't loosen the brakes on your car.

I didn't, Edna! Edna!

Edna, I didn't! I didn't!

Curtis, Webber, Sanders.
It was a night of carnage.

You don't know what they did.

Last night a girl sacrificed herself
because of my lies.

And on my knees I'm going to climb
those fourteen floors to her

and beg forgiveness.

She's after me. She's going to get me.

We'll lock the door so she can't get in.

If she got out of her grave,
she can get through locked doors.

Oh, you don't know Edna Sloane.

Edna Sloane?

His dead mother-in-law is chasing him.

I told that blonde not to touch
those rocks yesterday.

What was she doing there anyhow?

Praying for Edna
to help some guy named David.

Did you tell that girl that Edna Sloane
was your mother-in-law?

Sure. Why is she bringing flowers
to a stranger, anyway?

And now she's out,
and she's coming to get me.

And I didn't do it.

She thinks that maybe... I didn't. I didn't.

Come on, Dave, let's grab some breakfast.

Breakfast? Three innocent men were brutally
assaulted last night

and all you can think about is food?
Breakfast!

Don't give that bed away.
I think he's coming back.

My actions were motivated by a desire
to save a marriage.

Yours by vicious, cruel, destructive revenge.

"Yours by vicious, cruel,
destructive revenge.

"I would like to close the book on this
ill-fated relationship.

"I consider sundown today
a reasonable length of time

"for you to be packed and gone.
David Sloane."

- He gave me till sundown.
- Well, it's time to saddle up.

Get out by sundown.
Like I'm a cattle rustler.

It's their range, honey.
When they say "git," you start riding.

- Just like that, huh?
- It's frontier justice.

The cab is waiting.

Tell the doorman to bring my bags
back upstairs.

Then go get me your mink coat. Hurry!

- What are you doing?
- I don't like their kind of justice.

Come sundown, I'm shooting it out
with Mr. Sloane.

Wait a minute, Miss.

Thank you. Bless you.

What are you doing?

Raising the rent. I've collected almost $3.

You can't picket me.

I'm taking my case to the public.

Please help me.

Will you stop that?

Tomorrow I picket your office.
And when Huntley-Brinkley picks it up,

the entire nation will know what
you've done to me.

Bless you, sir.

May your daughter never have to go
through this.

I explained it to you in the letter.
I thought you were Harry's mistress.

- Then you had no interest in me personally?
- No.

But don't I get any credit
for my behavior the first night?

Didn't you come back the second night,

ready to make love
to a woman you had no interest in?

You're vile. I don't know
why I bother to stay on as your mistress.

You're not my mistress.
It's over, I sent you that note.

I am not a public utility
you can turn off with a note!

Will you stop yelling?

You wanted me,
you've got me until I'm ready to call it off.

Please help me. Please help me.

- Carol, will you stop it?
- Oh, please help me. Thank you.

Bless you. Thank you, sir. Bless you.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

All right, I give up. What are your terms?

You will continue to pay my rent
and normal living expenses,

- including medical and dental bills.
- Medical and dental bills, yes.

And psychotherapy.
I've received very deep emotional scars.

How long?

Until I can resume my place in society
and meet another man.

One who will accept my tainted past.

I'll have to tell him.
You know how honest I am.

Oh, I do. Yes, I do. Yes.

- And then there's Muriel.
- Muriel?

She'll be moving in with me because
she has no other place to go.

You do remember Muriel,
another girl whose life you've ruined?

All expenses, yeah.

I'll never ruin another woman unless
I know she's old enough for Medicare. Yeah.

Muriel will need rehabilitation.

Some vocational school
where she can learn a trade.

You agree to all the terms?
You don't consider them too harsh?

They're not too harsh, no.
You've spared my life, useless as it is.

You never knew
what a despicable person you really are?

Not until I met you. No.

- Then in a way I've helped.
- I think so.

Here. Knowing the financial responsibilities
you face, this may ease your burden.

Thank you.

John Henry, don't encourage
that kind of person.

Shame, you awful thing.

Well, the beast left me
and I'm too old to go back to the chorus.

Tell me again, what were the tyrant's
last words?

He said, "I give up. What are your terms?"

- I have lived to see the day.
- Oh, Thelma.

If you knew Suzie, like I know Suzie

Thelma, remember your back.

Get her from the other side.
Have you got her?

Oh, we've got you, we've got you. Okay.
Be careful of the iron.

- Get her in the chair.
- Justice knows no pain.

I told you to remember your back.

It's a privilege to slip a disk
for such a glorious cause.

Here, have a little sip.

Hello?

Miss Corman, David Sloane.

I just received a call from a Mr. Wong Lee,

asking if I'd guarantee
payment on your laundry.

Yes. I asked him to call.

He does charge two cents more
on a blouse, but he irons it by hand.

I could find a cheaper place.

No, no.

I also received a call from
a Ben's Meat Market

for approval of your purchase of
four lamb chops and two pounds of brisket.

What about the soup greens?

Ben didn't mention it to me,
and, frankly, I didn't feel like going into it.

Miss Corman, I agreed to certain terms,
and I'll honor them.

Just send the bills.

I only wanted you to know
where the money was going,

that I wasn't
taking advantage of the situation.

Just send the bills.

Why? All I tried to do was save a marriage.

Harry! Where's Mary?

The honeymoon...

The honeymoon lasted until
we got to the George Washington Bridge.

Why didn't I take the tunnel?

Didn't I know that heights made her dizzy?

Why was I stuck behind that bus?

Didn't I know the exhaust fumes
made her nauseous?

The only way I could have passed that bus
was to drive off the bridge.

I should have. I should have.
I should have. I should have.

Easy. Easy, now, easy.

I had to pick a roadside diner where
the cook couldn't make eggs Benedict.

And with her sensitive skin, I had to stop
at a motel that had rough linen.

From then on it was all downhill.

Outside Akron, Ohio, at a railroad crossing,
I made my break.

I jumped on a passing freight.

For two days I rode in a refrigerated boxcar
with a load of broccoli.

Rousted by railroad detectives outside
Erie, Pennsylvania.

Spent the night in a police tank
with seven female hoboes.

The last 80 miles I came into New York
straddling an oil tanker.

That was our second honeymoon.

Well, what happened to Mary?

As the freight train is pulling out,
she's yelling at me, "I'm going to Reno.

"I'm getting a divorce.
I'm finding another man."

It's better that way.

The only thing that hurts
is what Muriel did to me.

In her I had faith.

Harry, you were right about Muriel.

I made a tragic mistake. I have no escape.

I have no freight train to hop on
as I wander eternally

through a nightmare of Chinese laundrymen
and butchers who forget soup greens.

But I will find comfort
in the knowledge that,

well, knowing that
you and Muriel will be together again.

A pension!

What do you think, Carol?

Muriel, every industry
provides some sort of protection!

Workmen's compensation, health
and welfare, retirement fund, pension.

Are we an industry?

We served.
We can't even collect unemployment.

There is a basic moral responsibility
in any relationship.

Even in the army, when you're wounded,
they take care of you.

Didn't I slip this disk in combat?

You don't just set people adrift an ice floe
when they've outlived their usefulness.

No?
Remember Gladys on the seventh floor?

What was her crime? Swollen ankles.
Kaput. On the ice floe.

Oh, not all men are like that.

No? When was the last time you saw a man
walk into a nightclub

with a mistress
who was wearing surgical stockings?

Pensioned.

If only there'd been a Carol 12 years ago.

Hello?

It's Harry.

Hello, Harry.

I might consider it, Harry,

but first we'd have to discuss a pension.

I did it. I told him. You heard me.

I said we'd have to discuss a pension.

If he gets mad I'll say the pension
was for him.

What's wrong?

She wants a pension.

Well, if she wants... Pension?

They promise to give us 90 days' notice.

No more slipping us the shiv
without warning. There.

Oh wait, there is something
that I'd like to see in there.

They should be with you on your birthday,
if it's at all possible.

If it's at all possible? This is a revolution.

They didn't say to King Louis XVI,

"Sire, with your permission
we'd like to lop off your head."

No, it was...

Muriel, Harry's waiting for you
in the apartment.

I'm sorry. Not until the battle
for human dignity is won.

Tell him that there's
some egg salad in the refrigerator.

- Muriel...
- Not until he agrees to these demands.

"$50 a month for each year of service."

If there'd been a Carol around in my day,
I'd be drawing $600 a month now.

Muriel, go to Harry.
Don't listen to these rabble rousers.

Rabble rousers!
We got Louis XVI, and we'll get you!

Progress is always slandered, girls.

When people pressed against
the factory gates, crying out,

"Our children are hungry!"

there was always a Mr. Sloane who said,

"We gave them Sundays off, and
that's how they used it, to have children."

Oh, glorious leader.
What are you trying to do with all this?

To correct abuses
and to guarantee basic minimum securities.

There are some skills you can't organize.

You're not electricians or plumbers.

Does a plumber get thrown out
when he loses his figure?

Well, the next time I see a plumber
in Schrafft's, having tea in a mink coat,

I'll ask him.

That's all they're left with,
their mink coats and their poodles.

You want a guarantee of eternal love?
Marriages break up!

But there's one difference.
The wife is left with the marriage ring.

That band of gold that stirs the indignation
of any lawyer,

the compassion of the judge,
and the sympathy of the community.

After 12 years the best I got was
my sister saying,

"It served you right."

This type of relationship has been
going on for centuries.

Don't tamper with it.

Polio went on for centuries!

Should Dr. Salk not have invented
the vaccine?

All right, I'll give Harry a shot of
your new vaccine.

And I think we can expect a violent reaction.

David.

You would like to be rid of me,
wouldn't you?

- Yeah.
- Well, there's a way.

Get Harry to agree to those terms.

You want me to abandon my convictions?
Sacrifice my best friend?

You'll never see or hear from me again.

You've just given me incentive
to turn on my fellow man.

Never! Never! Never!
I will never agree to these demands!

This is anarchy, socialism,
creeping Trotskyism.

Isn't that what you told me in the cab?

And you're going to take advice
from a man that almost destroyed you?

Look what I've done to you.
I broke you and Muriel up.

Mary's in Reno, you ended up in jail,

and you're still going to listen to me?

Hey, when are you
ever going to learn, Harry?

- I trusted you.
- Oh, don't try to squirm out. Admit it.

Your judgment was lousy.

- But this is an attack on my integrity.
- Integrity?

When I came into your office telling
poisonous, horrible lies

about this saint-like creature,

why didn't you have me tossed out?

I don't know. Why didn't I?

Because there's a flaw in your
character, that's why, Harry.

- David, help me.
- Help you?

After the brutal note I made you send?

- How could I be so cruel?
- Well, you spout integrity.

What would you do
if Muriel got old and sick?

- I don't know. What?
- What? You'd throw her out, that's what.

Oh, why do I do things like that?

If we only knew what turned decent
people into Harry Hunters,

evil would
be erased from the face of this earth.

Cry it out, baby, cry it out.

We won! We won! Men like you are finished.

Leave us
when the bloom is off our cheek, huh?

I was just bringing some cleaning
to Miss Corman.

It came to her old apartment.

You like to dance with us
but once our ankles start to swell,

it's "Change partners!" Well, no more!

- What's wrong?
- My back.

- Does it hurt there?
- Oh, don't touch me.

I know you men with the quick hands.

Isobel, may she rest in peace,
had the same trouble.

I know a wonderful doctor
on the staff at the Lennox Street Hospital.

I could pick you up
and drive you there tomorrow.

No stopping at your apartment
on the way to the hospital?

You know, when you hold your back
like that, you look just like Isobel.

Even in pain, no complaints.

It's strange.
I was on the East Side this morning.

I weighed myself, and the card said,

"Today you will meet a nice Jewish girl."

My name is O'Monaghan.

In a delicatessen on Hester Street,

if the card said,
"Today you'll meet a nice Irish girl,"

how long do you think that scale
would stay in business?

She remembers me.

You look tired, Harry.

Muriel,

I've made up my mind.
We're getting married.

Have a sandwich first.

You shouldn't make a big decision
on an empty stomach.

Don't you want to?

I've always wanted to.

If we do get married, can I ask one favor?

- Anything.
- Can I have a baby?

Why do you have to ask?

I wouldn't want to do anything behind
your back.

A baby?

What would you like? A boy or a girl?

H.H. Hunter and Son.

I can't promise it'll be a boy,

but I'll try. Harry, I'll really, try.

Miss Corman, goodbye.

They say man forgets pain and
remembers pleasure.

My memory of you will be a complete blank.

- I'm glad to see you won't bear any scars.
- Oh, minor wounds.

But freedom is the great healer.

And you'll have that freedom
in less than 24 hours.

Twenty-four hours?
I'll be out of that door in three seconds.

The ride down to Maryland, the license,

the marriage and the
annulment in the morning.

Marriage?

That's my freedom? The hangman's noose?

For one night.

It'll give me respectability.

Men don't rush ex-mistresses home
to meet their mothers.

But a woman who's had an unfortunate
marriage, annulled the next morning,

with no consummation,
that men understand.

They also sympathize
with a woman like that.

Twenty-four hours, David.

And I, too, can emerge unscarred
with hope for the future.

Marriage, even for one night?

- Something could go wrong.
- We despise each other.

- Yeah.
- What could happen?

You know, I had a strange feeling
something would happen.

What do you suggest we do?

- I guess a divorce.
- Oh, no.

There's something about divorce
that implies failure.

There is one type of woman
that's very popular with men.

- Yeah, what type is that?
- Widows.

Well, that's a little extreme,
but I do want to help.

Particularly those with small children.

It stimulates a man's protective instincts.

If you were really concerned
about my future happiness,

you'd leave me a
widow with five or six small children.

It's probably best
you become a young widow.

It would help.

- Good morning.
- Oh, good morning.

- Just married?
- An hour ago. And you?

Yesterday.

Well, if you'll excuse us,
I promised to make a widow out of her.

- I hope you'll be as happy as I am.
- I'd better be. Come on, Marvin.

You know, honey, I think we just
sentenced Marvin to death.