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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480
I need a new PA. Really?!
2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,240
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:10,440
What's going on?! I think
we like each other! Urgh!
4
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,000
Let's start by telling me
a bit about yourself
5
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,440
and why you'd like this job.
6
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,840
Cos no-one else will employ me,
they say I'm an arse!
7
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,320
Your coffee....sir!
8
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,320
And your Ryvita...sir!
9
00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:40,760
Brilliant. Oh, and look...
10
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,240
I seem to have...
11
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,520
dr-r-r-opped my pencil.
12
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,720
You are the best PA I've ever had.
13
00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,280
I know I'm really slutty, aren't I?!
14
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:54,160
Watch this, watch this, watch this!
15
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:59,000
SHE HUMS THE TUNE OF "The Stripper"
16
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:04,880
You were singing The Stripper
but you only took your glasses off!
17
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,480
Oh, sorry. Well, erm...Sir...
18
00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:11,880
I haven't done any of the filing
or vital paperwork.
19
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:18,200
Also I spilt cocoa on your laptop and
now it won't stop downloading recipes
20
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:18,200
from Mexico involving...
21
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:19,960
jacket potato?
22
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,640
And I need to leave work
early today so that I can...
23
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:26,680
..shop.
24
00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,760
HE GROANS
25
00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,160
Aw, I love working for you, Grant.
26
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,320
I have NEVER been happier
at Messrs Lumley and Crow.
27
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:38,400
Employing you is the best decision
they ever made.
28
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:42,000
OK, you Taffy, turding,
sheep molester.
29
00:01:42,000 --> 00:01:44,240
My BMW needs a spruce
and this time
30
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,440
you're going to use
your fat Welsh tongue.
31
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,880
Yes, Mr Crow!
32
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,360
My hair.
33
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:10,320
My silken cherubic curls!
34
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:11,560
I was Adonis!
35
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,480
Now I'm Afro-shitey.
36
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,600
Why, God? Why?
37
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,040
WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y?!
38
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,040
HE COUGHS
39
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,280
IN FALSETTO: Why?
40
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,160
Hi, Alex.
41
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,160
Don't even look at me, Claire.
42
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,920
Avert your gaze. Oh. Greg,
David, Alex wants you to leave.
43
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:37,200
You're the only woman
who makes me want to do this.
44
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,120
'Oh, this is killing me.
How do I remain dressed?'
45
00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:45,440
My God, what on earth's the matter?!
46
00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,480
Let me tell you a story.
47
00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:52,200
Once in my adolescence
I visited the market town of Kendal
in Britain's trendy Cumbria.
48
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,640
Whilst on my pensive perambulations
I was most vexed to discover
49
00:02:55,640 --> 00:03:00,320
an elderly gentleman, weeping aside
Lake Windermere, his sorrow
was produced by the fact
50
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,480
he had not been able to procure
the latest ac-i-i-i-d T-shirt
51
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,840
which was enjoying a heightened
presence both in popular culture
52
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,720
and concurrently on my torso.
You know what I did? No.
53
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:10,760
I gave him mine.
54
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:11,800
Thus.
55
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,280
This epic tale serves to demonstrate
my lofty morals. So?
56
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,480
So I will no longer associate with
your type, Claire Finnerty...
Why, what have I done?
57
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,320
You gave me the clap, Claire.
58
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,280
PING!
59
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,800
Michelle, could you possibly
60
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:31,800
get this done by the end of the day?
61
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,720
I'm sure I can try, Mr Crow.
62
00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:38,560
One, create Excel account
re 26 Coniston Place.
63
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,320
Two, inform Mr Arnold
of change of court date.
64
00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:43,560
Three, make fun of Grant's...accent.
65
00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,920
Four. Hit Grant.
66
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,560
Mr Crow! Yes?
67
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,840
Why do you hate Grant?
68
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,200
It's nothing personal.
69
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,400
I just hate the Welsh.
70
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,200
There was an horrific incident
in Rhyl when I was a kid...
71
00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:59,560
It's a long story.
No, I have time.
72
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,240
Oh, well, OK.
73
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,480
I visited Rhyl as a kid...
74
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:09,360
Actually,
that was quite a short story.
75
00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,440
HE WHISTLES
76
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:21,360
HE SINGS A FEW NOTES
77
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:29,680
Such a wonderful PA.
She even made me lunch today.
78
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,320
All right, Chris.
You look like an evil gay alien.
79
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:40,240
What are you wearing?!
80
00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:40,240
What d'you mean? I always wear this.
81
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,840
'I've never noticed how large
his face was before.'
82
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,160
OK. OK.
Look, I've been in an accident.
83
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:48,120
Did you crash into
The Scissor Sisters?
84
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,080
No, It's my hair.
I'm having a BAD hair day.
85
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,880
It can't be that bad. Show us.
86
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:54,840
It can't be as bad as...
87
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,360
'Your huge and scary face.'
88
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:57,720
Your huge and scary face.
89
00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,080
Bugger!
Which utterance did I say out loud?
90
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:02,880
'That one.' Oh.
91
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,520
I can't. It's like Ken Dodd
mated with Tina Turner,
92
00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,440
had a child, then that child
grew up, mated with Don King,
93
00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,280
had a child,
then that child grew up
94
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,760
and married Duncan Goodhew.
95
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,920
Cured his baldness
by combining his DNA with that
of a big bale of hay,
96
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,120
had a child, that child
grew up, died,
97
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:21,240
left his body to medical science
and an insane trichologist
98
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,600
used his body to create
massive, stupid hair.
99
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:27,400
'I can't pull my eyes away
from his huge face.'
100
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,400
'Each time its mouth opens,
I fear I'm being pulled in.
101
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,440
'I have to leave.'
102
00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:32,640
I'll be in the cellar.
103
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:40,200
He's just curled
in a ball on the floor.
104
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,880
I can't let Claire see it.
105
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,680
Last time this happened,
with Stephanie, she...
106
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,320
IN FALSETTO:
107
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:46,320
finished with me.
108
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,480
Pardon? She went finch-swimming?
109
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,440
Yes, Grant. Yes.
110
00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,600
My hair went enormously mental
so Stephanie in all her wisdom
111
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:57,160
decided on a trip to the municipal
swimming pool with some tiny birds.
112
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,160
She finished with me, Grant!
And Claire'll do the same!
113
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,840
No. She's not that shallow.
114
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:04,800
It can't be that bad.
115
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,040
Whoo-hoo!
116
00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,440
Thanks! Thanks,
that's really supportive.
117
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:13,840
How? How did it become so...?
118
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,400
Big? ..horrible?
119
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,720
You're never going
to have sex again!
120
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,720
Was that Finley Quaye?
121
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,320
Look, Grant, I need a word with you.
122
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,600
Your bosses at the law firm.
They pick on you
123
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,160
and only I may do that.
It's got to stop.
124
00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,040
They don't pick on me.
125
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,040
They got me a lovely, big,
beautifully-wrapped present
126
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:41,040
for my birthday.
127
00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:43,920
I'd never seen an empty box
so well-presented.
128
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,040
I say empty...
129
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:47,200
They HAD all farted in it.
130
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,800
And what about the offensive Welsh
prejudice they spout in your face?
131
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,640
Your boss made you clean his car!
132
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:56,640
It's a BMW! German engineering!
133
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,320
Beaded seat covers!
134
00:06:58,320 --> 00:06:59,960
Grant. Shiny!
135
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,920
I'm going to keep saying words
until you drop it.
136
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,000
Headlights! Tyres!
137
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,000
Fine! If you won't do anything
about it, then I will!
138
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:09,160
Oh, Michelle, don't!
139
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:12,360
Now...is there any way
you can change your accent?
140
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,880
WEIRD ESTUARY ACCENT:
141
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,880
All right, guv'nor.
142
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:18,280
How's about
you get on the dog and bone
143
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,440
and order me up some jellied eels?
144
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,600
That's a no, then.
145
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,680
I'm your PA.
It's my duty to look after you.
146
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,960
I'm going to do everything
in my power to get you
better conditions.
147
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,320
Michelle, don't, I need this job.
148
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,440
I'm a really bad solicitor
and Messrs Lumley and Crow
149
00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,680
are the only firm
who haven't noticed.
150
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:42,240
We need to get revenge.
We need to get something,
151
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,920
plant it on him and get him fired.
152
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,440
Yes! We need drugs!
153
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,680
That is absolutely
out of the question.
154
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:52,120
I'd phone the police on anyone who
so much as looked at a drug.
155
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,400
Drugs, indeed!
156
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:03,800
PING!
157
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,200
Oh, so that's it!?
158
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:08,160
He just puts sunglasses on?!
159
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,400
That's four years of my life
I'll never get back.
160
00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:16,400
Michelle? Hello. I believe
you may have dropped your pencil.
161
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,640
Nope...it's right here.
162
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:24,680
Mm. Stationery.
163
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,320
No, they definitely moved.
164
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,040
I've been watching you work,
Michelle.
165
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,360
Is there a problem?
You could go really far
at Messrs Lumley and Crow.
166
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,560
Really? You flatter me.
167
00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:44,800
I suggest we talk about it
over dinner.
168
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,320
Erm... I'd really like to eat
somewhere intimate.
169
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,800
Ewww!
170
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:50,840
Oh!
171
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,160
Erm, well, OK.
172
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,720
But I'd really like Grant to be there
too, he is my immediate boss.
173
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,120
And he's really good
and really clever.
174
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,680
There's no need
for Ruth Madoc to come.
175
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:05,360
But if you play by the rules,
I'm sure you and I can...
176
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:06,600
help each other out...
177
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,800
Oh, good.
178
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,760
We are not planting drugs
on Mr Crow.
179
00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,680
He only asked you out for dinner.
180
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:28,360
But then he touched me. Intimately.
181
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,280
On my excellent bottom.
182
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:32,800
Drugs it is!
183
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,120
And I think I know
exactly where to get them.
184
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,560
Boots, is it?
185
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,200
Rachel, I need to ask
for some time off.
186
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:48,480
Is it for a conference called
Chums of the Chinese Communists?
We could go together.
187
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,880
No. I need to see a doctor.
188
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:54,680
Of course! Tell you what, poppet,
my sugar daddy, Jonny H is a doctor.
189
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:56,240
And a trained assassin!
190
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:58,280
He multitasks like a working mother!
191
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,000
Here's his card.
192
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:04,880
This is an After Eight.
193
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:08,200
SHE TRILLS ANNOYINGLY
194
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,800
He's so funny!
195
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,880
Now you take care of yourself.
196
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:15,520
Bye! B-B-B-Bye!
197
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,080
Bye-bye!
198
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:20,320
Who was I just saying goodbye to?
199
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:26,000
And why does my hand smell
like beauty whore?
200
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,600
Oh, good, Shrek's back.
201
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,640
What are you doing in my gym?
202
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,480
I'm sorry to disturb you,
but you're the only person
203
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,480
I could think to ask.
204
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,120
Are you going to ask me
about Chinese communism?
205
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,680
Rachel, I know everything there is
to know about Chinese communism.
206
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,520
I've eaten there.
207
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,760
Then, what?
208
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,240
Well, I wondered
if you could possibly...
209
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,800
Or if you knew of anyone...
210
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,960
Oh, God, I've never done this before.
211
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:58,320
You want some drugs, don't you?
That's all anybody ever wants of me.
212
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:01,160
Well, if you could help me out
I'd be really grateful.
213
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:03,400
I know you have connections
what with...
214
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,680
Jonny H. It's Jonny H.
215
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,520
And yes, of course, here.
216
00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:12,840
This one's up...
217
00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,360
this one's down.
218
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:19,240
And yes, I'm referring
to my breasts.
219
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,280
Now, I'm busy! So, bye-e-e!
220
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:24,320
B-B-B-Bye!
221
00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:25,360
Bye-bye!
222
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,560
Who was I just saying goodbye to?
223
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:34,320
And why does my hand
smell of salmon?
224
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,280
Have you told
your pumpkin-headed boyfriend yet?
225
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,360
No, I can't seem to find
the right words.
226
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:48,040
Apparently there's no such thing
as a You've-got-the-clap-a-gram.
227
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,880
Y'know, he might not even have it.
228
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,440
How would I know?
I mean, how does it affect men?
229
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:57,880
Well, some men are symptomless,
others have a variety of ailments
such as itching, pain or discharge,
230
00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:03,480
in rare cases it can affect not just
the site of immediate infection but
also the skin, nails and even hair.
231
00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,560
That was quite expositional
of you.
232
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,240
No, this is quite expositional
of me.
233
00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,920
Don't!
234
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,400
I can't tell him.
He'd dump me for sure.
235
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,320
Why not try practising?
Must be other men need telling.
236
00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:17,520
Hundreds and hundreds. Oi!
237
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,240
It's thousands and thousands,
actually.
238
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,600
Yeah, you're right.
It's only responsible, I suppose.
239
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,360
I may need to change
to a cheaper tariff.
240
00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,760
That's a good idea.
241
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:33,080
You know, your mature attitude
reminds me of a tale from yore.
242
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,080
I was travelling through the Orient
with my friend Mr Walker
and his pet pug...
243
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:41,800
Horace. We chanced upon
a minute fishing village where
sadly, the seas had been unkind.
244
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:46,240
The starving villagers had turned
to the only form of sustenance
they could obtain.
245
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,880
Horace. As they lit
his funeral pyre-cum-barbecue I knew
246
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:51,360
I had to extinguish the flames
yet had no material
247
00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,440
but the shirt on my back
with which to perform the snuffing.
248
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,720
You know what I did? No.
249
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:57,760
This.
250
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,200
'Little does she know,
there is no Horace.'
251
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:08,760
Hi, Claire.
252
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,440
Hi, Noddy. What's with the hat?
253
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,360
You're not going to like this...
254
00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,360
That's a coincidence!
255
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:19,120
Claire, I know looks are important
to you... I'm a beautician,
it's my livelihood.
256
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,040
I've been disfigured.
It's not pretty.
257
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:23,080
Is it the hat?
258
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:24,960
Cos that's easily remedied.
259
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:27,600
Don't look at me! I'm an animal! Oh!
260
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,080
You look like a gonk!
261
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:36,280
ALEX'S VOICE: '..not just the site
of immediate infection but also
the skin, nails and even hair.'
262
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,040
ECHOING:
263
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,040
'Even hair... Even hair...
Even hair...'
264
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,120
Why does Alex keep saying,
"Even hair"?!
265
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,920
Even hair...
266
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,640
Is it a go at me? Cos it's not
the wittiest he's ever been.
267
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,960
Oh, my God!
Chris, I need to tell you...
268
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,680
I can't say it...
I need some practice!
269
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:53,960
I've got some phone calls to make.
270
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,080
She hates me.
271
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,000
Alex...milk.
272
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,640
'It wants me to milk it.'
273
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,400
What do women find attractive?
274
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:06,560
Me. Apart from good looks.
275
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,480
Claire's going to dump me
cos of...
276
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,640
'Your enormous face.'
277
00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:15,320
Oh, well, women always say
they like a sense of stability
or a good dancer.
278
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,760
But they're lying.
279
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:17,800
It's me.
280
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,640
SHE SPEAKS RAPIDLY:
281
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,640
So I was like, whoo! Hello!
282
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,440
Anyway, right, what we're gonna do is
283
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,440
plant some drugs on Mr Crow,
284
00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:29,840
we're gonna phone the police
then get him fired. Ha-ha!
285
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,360
Oh, my God,
how soft does my thumb feel?
286
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:34,920
Have you ever been camping?
287
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:38,080
We need some music.
288
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:38,080
SHE SINGS A FEW NOTES
289
00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:41,960
I used to have this collection
of key-rings, I should see
if they're in the attic.
290
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:46,120
Then I'll finish my novella.
Then go for a run.
Shall we go to B&Q?
291
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,400
So...
292
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,480
Did you sample some of the drugs?
293
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,640
Yeah, but they've not affected me
at all, it's really weird.
294
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,320
OK.
295
00:14:58,320 --> 00:14:59,880
So the plan is...
296
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,360
Plan! Yes, well done.
297
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,760
The plan is,
you meet him for lunch.
298
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,680
Lunch! Words rock!
299
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,280
Yeah...
You meet Mr Crow for lunch...
300
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,800
No, this stuff really suppresses
your appetite.
301
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,200
Do you think people know...
302
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,440
SHE SINGS A FEW NOTES
303
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,440
..I was a nutritionist.
304
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,400
You meet him on the premise
that you'll let him molest you.
305
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,760
Then...
you slip this into his pocket.
306
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:24,440
You're really sexy, look at you.
307
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,200
You're SO attractive! Thank you.
308
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,520
We should definitely do it.
309
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,640
No, thank you.
310
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:38,480
Anyway, whilst you're slipping
this into his pocket,
I'll phone the police
311
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:41,320
who will be waiting to meet him
at work. No more Mr Crow.
312
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,520
I am just BLOODY marvellous!
Check this out.
313
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,960
Why don't you sample the downers?
Why? Do I seem a bit on edge?
314
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,840
No, you're just ever so slightly...
Let's kiss!
315
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:59,040
NO! I refuse to take advantage
of you when you're in this...state.
316
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:01,320
Oh, it's rubbing on my femur.
317
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:08,360
Oh, hello, is that Alan Aaronovich?
318
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:10,440
Yes, Claire Finnerty here...
319
00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:11,920
Claire Finnerty.
320
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:13,560
You don't remember me?
321
00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:16,480
Oh, for... Fine!
322
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,200
OH! OH! YES! YES! YES!
323
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,280
HARDER! HARDER!
324
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,520
OOH! ALAN AARONOVICH!
325
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,400
Ahhh...
326
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,400
Yes, that one.
327
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:29,400
Well, I'm contacting you
on a rather delicate matter.
328
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,840
I can't do it. I can't cut it off.
329
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,560
'Because everyone would know about
your big face.'
330
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,160
Wait, you said women like stability.
331
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:39,200
I can balance.
332
00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,720
Even hair.
333
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,480
Stop saying, "even hair".
334
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,160
Odd hair.
335
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,400
So I'm really sorry and I'll do
anything I can to make it better.
336
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,440
OK, Martin?
337
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,280
God, they're all so chatty.
338
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:00,920
Yo! Dave Richards!
339
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,560
Get your penis tested.
Bye-bye, then!
340
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:06,920
OK, so I CAN'T balance.
341
00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,040
But I can dance!
342
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:12,080
HE BEATBOXES
343
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,320
IN FALSETTO:
344
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,320
I'm a beautiful butterfly!
345
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,640
Oh! Thank God for group text.
346
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,880
And send!
347
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,000
OK, so I can't dance. I'm hideous.
348
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,440
Claire's going to dump me
just like Stephanie,
349
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,120
I'll lose all self-respect
and never have sex again.
350
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:40,880
I gotta dump her first.
351
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,200
How many downers
did you take exactly?
352
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:54,640
Huh?
353
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:59,640
You're supposed to be honey-trapping
him so we can get him fired.
You're actually drooling.
354
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,200
No, you're actually drooling.
355
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,200
Drink some coffee!
356
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,440
This coffee doesn't
taste of anything.
357
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,080
Grant, you're fit! Kiss me!
358
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,960
No, I'm not gonna take advantage
359
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,960
of you in that state.
360
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,800
It took me ages
to wipe clean my femur.
361
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,960
Afternoon, Mr Crow.
362
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,520
You leek-eating freak.
363
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,520
Thank you, sir.
364
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:30,040
Get out, daffo-dickhead.
365
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,120
I'll be in the toilet.
366
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,160
Knocking one out over Harry Secombe.
367
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:36,960
How does he know?
368
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,360
Hello, Michelle.
369
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,200
Thought any more about my offer?
370
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,040
Sh!
371
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,080
Let me whisper something
in your pocket... Ear.
372
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:52,760
I'm going to honey-trap Mr Crow
then plant these drugs on you.
373
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,560
But don't tell Mr Crow.
374
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,280
You call these drugs?!
375
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,560
THESE are drugs!
376
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,600
I've got skag, coke, whizz, horse,
377
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,160
Billy Joel, disco biscuits,
Trisha's-nasty-neighbour powder
378
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:18,080
and a Thermos of soup.
379
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:20,840
Actually, that's my lunch.
380
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:29,000
So I'm sorry,
I can't see you any more.
381
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,600
Now I can...
382
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,200
and I'm dumping you.
383
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,680
But I really like you!
384
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,080
IN FALSETTO:
385
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:37,080
It's... It's not working out.
386
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,320
Pardon? It's Noah Kenab?
387
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,840
Yes, Claire,
388
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,840
that's what I said. It's Noah Kenab.
389
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,960
That infamous home-wrecker
390
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:47,960
Noah Kenab has ruined my relationship
with the only woman I've ever loved.
391
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,040
Golly, I just can't stand
that Noah Kenab.
392
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,480
"Not working out", Claire!!!
393
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,120
It's not working out!
394
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,120
YOU KNOW! You know, don't you?!
395
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:58,360
I know I'll never be dumped again.
396
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,600
No, you know about
me giving you the clap!
397
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,720
IN FALSETTO: You gave me the clap?!
398
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,560
Noah Kinahaben? Who is this chap?
399
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:12,200
'How does he hold it
upright on his neck?'
400
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,680
Alex! Yeah?
401
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,600
How dare you tell Chris
about my...?
402
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:21,960
I didn't. And you know,
your false accusations are
reminiscent of a time...
403
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,080
Oh, shut up!
404
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,320
Long story short...
405
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:26,680
Behold!
406
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,160
How could you!? I do it every day,
the dexterity comes with practice.
407
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,160
You told Chris I was suffering.
I didn't tell anyone.
408
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:37,320
I'm still a bit annoyed at you
for giving it me in the first place.
409
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,040
Oh, hi, Alex.
410
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:40,720
Hey, guess what?
411
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,160
You know we had a bit of
a bumming sesh last year?
412
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,640
Yeah? Well, you gave me the...
413
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,600
And that was not applause
at your performance,
414
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,280
that was me being discreet
about the word "clap".
415
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:57,520
What? He gave me the clap!
So now he gets a slap!
416
00:20:57,520 --> 00:20:59,920
Oh, I'm just like Dr Seuss.
417
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,760
Luckily, Jonny H...
418
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,080
gave me some cream.
419
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,720
Had it on some strawberries.
Mm, deelish!
420
00:21:06,720 --> 00:21:09,440
Alex, you gave it to me!
421
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,160
Oops-a-daisy! And Michelle!
422
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,960
Oops-a-daisy!
And I gave it to Chris.
423
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,320
Oops-a-daisy!
And I gave it to Grant!
424
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:20,600
Isn't life a big bag of charm?!
425
00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,000
Thank God for group text.
426
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,040
And send.
427
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,360
Anyway, Dimples, Jonny H...
428
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,800
wants a word.
He's a trained assassin.
429
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:32,840
SHE TRILLS ANNOYINGLY
430
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:38,000
Please don't take my Thermos.
It's only cream of tomato.
431
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,720
You're amazing, you know.
432
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:44,240
Even tanked up on tranqs,
you're just great.
433
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,080
Wait! Are you on drugs again?
434
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,520
No...I just like looking at you.
435
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:52,600
Aww. We've been through so much,
haven't we?
436
00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,960
I feel really close to you, y'know?
437
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,120
Aw!
438
00:21:58,120 --> 00:22:00,040
My life is perfect!
439
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:03,760
No more bullying, no more abuse...
440
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,840
I can finally have the career
I always wanted,
441
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:11,480
all I need now is to get the girl
and the Bond movie of my life
is complete.
442
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:14,840
Well, the girl's clean now.
443
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,600
Well, my femur's waiting
if you want to play horsey.
444
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:20,840
SHE MAKES A GALLOPING SOUND
445
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,480
Who said drugs were bad?
446
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:27,280
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
447
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,120
Oh, my God!
448
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,360
I've got the clap. You what?
449
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,840
I've got the clap!
450
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,720
That's disgusting.
How could you?!
451
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:41,280
That's a bit harsh, I didn't
do it on purpose. I'm serious.
452
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,080
Safe sex is very important to me.
453
00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,560
Bampie taught me about it
at a very young age.
454
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,120
I can get some antibiotics...
455
00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:50,440
Stay away from me, you dirty dog!
456
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,600
Stay away from me AND my femur!
457
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,040
Awww!
458
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,920
This is the worst I've ever felt,
and I've been to Norwich.
459
00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:07,320
This is the worst I've ever felt.
460
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:08,600
And I've been to Norwich.
461
00:23:13,160 --> 00:23:14,200
Oh!
462
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:18,840
Oh-h-h!
463
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,600
OHHH! What are you doing?
464
00:23:24,600 --> 00:23:26,280
I'm swooning.
465
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,840
Please, pay me some attention, Chris.
466
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,240
I had a horrible text.
467
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:32,920
I have a disease!
468
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,080
A disease! Me too!
469
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,600
Mine's sexually transmitted.
470
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,120
Me too! I've got the...
471
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:39,200
Me too! Oh, my God!
472
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,720
That's so cool! High five!
473
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,680
Where'd you get yours? Alex.
474
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:46,040
God, me too! High five!
475
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,080
Whoo!
476
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:49,920
Yeah, but now Grant hates me.
477
00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,200
God, he's so judgmental with
his clean and efficient penis.
478
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:56,840
Yeah, and Claire hates me.
I had to dump her because of...
479
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:01,000
Oh, my God...
480
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,840
That is so cool!
481
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,400
What? It's amazing!
I love it. Working that hair!
482
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:07,640
Really? Yeah, it's...
483
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,440
Can I touch it? Yeah, go for it.
484
00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,840
Oh, if you find my wallet in there,
can I have it back, please?
485
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,920
Oh, God, we're rubbish, aren't we?
486
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,480
Yeah. But I lost someone I loved,
so I win.
487
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,240
Yeah, well, I lost Grant. So I win.
488
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:25,120
Grant?! Oh, please.
Yeah, shut up, he was funky.
489
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,920
Anyway...what's with this?
490
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,240
Oh, fine, I'll...
491
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,240
No, no, no, it's...
492
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,000
Well, I won't say nice but it's...
493
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,200
there.
494
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,640
MICHELLE'S VOICE:
495
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:41,640
'Oh, no. I'm doing it again...
496
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,280
'I could just say...'
497
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,520
Chris! Yeah?
498
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,840
Well,
seeing as we're both infected...
499
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,040
That's five whole units.
500
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:59,800
Sorrows...
consider yourselves drowned.
501
00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,280
May I please have some tap water?
502
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,840
I'm in the cellar. >
503
00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,920
Hello, fellow untouchable.
504
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,760
If you're referring to my inebriated
state then I don't care!
505
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:14,840
I'm gonna go wild.
506
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,080
Really mental.
507
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,960
In fact, I'm gonna do this...
508
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:26,960
No, I'm talking about your...
509
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:30,640
My pure and beautiful Michelle
is all skanky and infected.
510
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:35,440
All my life I've been
fastidious about sexual health.
511
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:38,560
I sit in a bucket of Dettol
most Saturday nights.
512
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,120
I want to make it up to Chris.
513
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:41,560
Face to face.
514
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:44,400
'Face to BIG face.'
515
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:47,560
I want to see if he'll get back
with me. I don't mind his hair.
516
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,160
I just got frightened.
517
00:25:49,160 --> 00:25:54,760
I was scared. The love of my life
is no better than...you.
518
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:58,000
Oi! Sorry, Claire.
It's the whisky talking.
519
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:02,000
When I said you,
I meant...a common prostitute.
520
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,880
The vocabulary eluded me.
Have you been the doctor yet?
521
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,920
What? No, why? Because of your...
522
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,200
Why do you keep applauding me?
523
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,600
Is it cos I'm really good
at the tie thing?
524
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,040
No, cos Rachel gave you the...
525
00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:19,960
clap. What?
526
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:22,720
Yeah, Alex gave it to me,
Michelle and Rachel,
527
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,200
Rachel gave it to you,
and I gave it to Chris.
528
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:29,040
So it's all down
to this filth merchant?
529
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,240
I've said, "oops-a-daisy".
What do you want? Blood?
530
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:36,040
Oh, and I judged her for having it.
531
00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,680
After she'd helped me out
at work and everything.
532
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,720
I'm a terrible friend.
533
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,640
Let's go round there.
I love Chris and I know he loves me.
534
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:47,240
I just need to beg him
to forgive me.
535
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,280
IN FALSETTO: Oh, God, yeah!
536
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,160
That's so off-putting.
537
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,440
IN DEEP VOICE: Sorry!
538
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:57,520
How could I have been so
judgemental? I'm such a hypocrite!
539
00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,640
I just hope Michelle can
forgive me for what I've done.
540
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,560
IN FALSETTO:
541
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:03,560
I'm a beautiful butterfly!
542
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:06,920
Aw!
543
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,880
Oh! Well, crikey.
544
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,720
I know, crikey!
545
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,960
Yeah, crikey(!)
546
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,720
Are there any drugs left?
547
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:43,480
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
548
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:46,080
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
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