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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,200
..my soul, and my hole.
2
00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:04,800
You've totally ruined my life!
3
00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:06,880
I'm sorry. Who are you by the way?
4
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,680
Anoint me in sweat,
baptise me in Red Bull!
5
00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:13,040
Sometimes
I get what I want by doing this...
6
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,880
Marry me?!
7
00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:30,120
I'm engaged!
8
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,280
Yes, Chris, I know. Engaged.
9
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,920
Yes. To Claire. That's right.
10
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,360
What did I go and do that for?
11
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,440
Anyway how are you?
12
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,200
I'm OK. I'm brilliant.
13
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,320
Utterly cool about Grant
getting together with...my boss.
14
00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,720
And I'm not pretty when I cry...
15
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,480
At least he's not marrying her.
16
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:56,280
I bet he does though,
and I bet they have incredible sex
17
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,760
because she's really flexible and
he let's you stick things up him.
18
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,800
This needs disinfecting.
19
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:08,400
Don't be silly...people don't
have sex after they're married.
20
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,840
People don't have sex
after they're married.
21
00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:13,400
And my crying face is ugly.
22
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:17,160
Oh, I'm forlorn. Oh,
I like forlorn. Forlorn is good...
23
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,720
though it needs rouge.
24
00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,640
Michelle, don't worry,
Grant and Rachel will fizzle out
25
00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:25,000
in the same way that Claire will
forget about being engaged to me.
26
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,720
You know, you're probably right.
27
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,960
I bet Grant and Rachel
didn't even kiss.
28
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,280
He is in love with me after all.
29
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:34,680
You OK?
30
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:38,000
Oh, God, my life is ruined.
31
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:46,240
I've not been this fussed over
since I was a child. Your lap
is much more comfy than Bampy's.
32
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:49,320
He always had a tube of Smarties
in his pocket.
33
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,800
I pulled and I pulled
but I could never get it out.
34
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,960
You're just adorable, aren't you?
35
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,920
Well, yes...
36
00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:01,600
Now go away, I can't be faffed
with you. I'm busy.
37
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,720
I need to plant some heroin
in Michelle's locker
for shits and giggles.
38
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,000
Oh! Hi, Michelle,
what are you doing here?!
39
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,080
It's my office.
40
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,600
Thanks for the piece of Welsh,
by the way.
41
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,280
You, deserve a 20% pay rise!
42
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,080
Really! Yes.
43
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:21,840
And I deserve an TV Quick Award
for that big, fat, outright lie.
44
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,440
Keep it shush that I've been
bumming a Celt in here would you?
45
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,640
Why should I? You know it's against
the rules to...to "bum" in the gym.
46
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:34,160
Oh, squid face. Come now.
It's not like you've never
been caught out at work.
47
00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:35,240
Me?! When?!
48
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,160
The Christmas party.
49
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,360
Legs akimbo firing multi-vitamins
at the chairman.
50
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,760
What?
51
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:46,960
That was Claire. In her defence it
was actually an impressive way of
getting him to take his supplements.
52
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:52,400
Well, I guess we'll be doing it
in my luxury Deansgate penthouse
from now on.
53
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,280
Hope you like bubble baths,
candles and silks sheets, Marcus.
54
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,960
Actually, if you notice, I'm a man.
55
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,760
I like hardcore pornography.
56
00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:03,280
Shut up.
57
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,680
Thank you so much
for the "heads up" Michelle.
58
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,000
BLOWS RASPBERRY
59
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:17,040
In a penthouse! The closest I ever
came to a penthouse was when I...
60
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,880
came close to a Penthouse.
61
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,880
Found an old back issue in the woods.
62
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,080
Grant, I need to talk to you...
63
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:28,080
No need. I know what you're going to
say and let me put your mind at rest,
64
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,000
I'm completely over you.
65
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,720
I've found the true love of my life -
Rachel.
66
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,200
She sticks things up me.
67
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,040
Grant... Oh, exciting innit?
68
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:46,000
Me and Rachel,
Chris and Claire, you and...
69
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,160
Well, I'm sure you'll find
something good on the telly.
70
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,480
Awww. Poor Michelle.
71
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:04,120
Oh, don't be grumpy. We're supposed
to be celebrating. I'm engaged!
72
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,720
Have you spoken to Chris today?
73
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:08,840
No, I texted him to meet me
at the jewellers and he replied,
74
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,640
"Stop the pressure
or I'll kill myself,"
so I guess I'll meet him there.
75
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,400
You're going for a ring?! Already?
76
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:19,400
Without a ring my engagement means
nothing! Without a ring I'm not
following the Catholic faith.
77
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:24,080
Without a ring I'm cheating God.
He strikes people down if they
disobey - look at David Gest.
78
00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,160
Why, what did he do?
79
00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,960
I've no idea, but look at him,
it must have been something awful.
80
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,200
I think you should call Chris again
because I was talking to him...
81
00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:38,720
Well, next time you see me
this finger will be ringered!
82
00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,480
Yeah, Chris,
83
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:48,320
look, here's the thing. Claire needs
a ring, and it better not ming.
84
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,560
Huh. It has to be bling.
85
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,400
And should Charles be king?
86
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,920
A-bing a-ding ding.
87
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:58,040
I'm so clever!
88
00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,920
NOOOOO!
89
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,760
Arghhhhh!
90
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,280
Right.
91
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:06,560
A ring. How much are they?
30 quid, tops.
92
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:13,800
Right, time to get myself
a boyfriend.
93
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:19,720
Hello, Alex.
94
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,080
Michelle?
95
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:26,960
Oh, terror upon terror,
this morning whilst scanning a copy
of a weekly fashion publication
96
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:32,360
I became conscious that this garment
97
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:32,360
that adorns the upper half of my body
98
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:32,360
is significantly outdated.
99
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,360
Look,
we're two attractive individuals.
100
00:05:38,360 --> 00:05:40,120
Especially me.
101
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,960
So I was thinking,
how about we get together? Right.
102
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:47,960
I mean, Grant has Rachel,
Claire has Chris...
103
00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,920
maybe Alex could have Michelle.
104
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,640
Alex has had Michelle.
105
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,680
I was tender yet firm.
106
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:55,960
And hot.
107
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:58,520
Come on.
We'd be so good-looking together.
108
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,600
Nah. You are pretty but been
there, done that, got the T-shirt.
109
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,520
Yes, I'd like that back please.
110
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,440
How are people supposed to know that
111
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,880
"My mum went to London
112
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,880
and all she got me was this
113
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,880
lousy T-shirt" without the T-shirt?
114
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:15,840
Look, if you don't want me and Grant
115
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:15,840
doesn't want me, then I'm going to
116
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:15,840
have to lower my standards.
117
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,440
Point me towards Stockport.
118
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:20,280
That's the spirit.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
119
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:22,960
I am not a fish!
120
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,040
I want pastures new.
I am not a pasture!
121
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:27,840
A woman needs a man like a...
I am not a woman!
122
00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,320
Damn you!
123
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,680
Two thousand quid?!
That is sickening.
124
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:40,200
Chris! Thank God you turned up.
125
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,000
I've been sorely tempted
by that man over there.
126
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:46,760
His name is Satan - he has ball
bearings under his foreskin
127
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:49,720
and a cupboard
full of Japanese girls' pants.
128
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,760
I mean,
even a nun couldn't resist that!
129
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,360
Erm, Claire...
130
00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,280
about these rings... Oh!
131
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,880
That one! There it is! Princess cut.
132
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:02,080
.25 carat!
133
00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:05,440
Oh, hee-hee! Hee-hee! Rings!
134
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,480
Rings! Hee-hee.
135
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,360
What was that?
136
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,520
I don't know.
137
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,520
A ring doesn't mean anything.
138
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,240
It does! I need it!
139
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,040
I'm slipping back to my old ways,
I can't help myself.
140
00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,360
The ring is the only thing
that'll work.
141
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:32,680
I'm going be this
morally bankrupt, crotch-sniffing,
unpaid street-walking tart.
142
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:37,280
I'll write an autobiography called
Finding Me with a foreword by the
big drunk Scouser
143
00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:40,280
from How Clean Is Your House.
Do you want that? Do you?
144
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:42,360
Do you? This is stupid.
145
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,840
DON'T YOU DARE!
146
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:50,600
You were the one who slept with me,
Chris! You knew I was a Catholic.
147
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:51,880
You lapsed me...
148
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:56,120
You also lapped me
for which I'm grateful.
149
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,880
OK, I'll...I'll get you a ring...
150
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,880
just not that one.
151
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,480
What?
152
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,320
If I don't keep the mints secure,
153
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:25,240
their semi-permeable layer absorbs
the smell of the briefcase
via osmosis.
154
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:30,680
Solicitors whose breath smells
of leather gives the impression
they've been sucking on their desks
155
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,040
and we don't want people
to know about that.
156
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:35,160
Women must flock to you.
157
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,680
Actually...serving boy,
158
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,760
check this out.
159
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,120
What do you think about that then?
160
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,640
Two beautiful women.
161
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,600
Are they your next victims?
162
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,640
No!
163
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,880
See this one, Rachel...
164
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,480
I'm sleeping with her.
165
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,240
She's my girlfriend.
166
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,480
And this one, that's Michelle...
167
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,840
Oh, I've had her! Yeah, anyway...
168
00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,960
Michelle, is none too happy
about my relationship.
169
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:08,840
She's jealous! Sometimes
I scan the pictures into Photoshop
and make them fight.
170
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:13,280
I hate you Rachel!
I hate you more Michelle!
171
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:15,120
Let's kiss...
172
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:16,520
Hi, Grant.
173
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,040
Oh, no!
You're wearing the same top as me!
174
00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:22,600
How awfully embarrassing for us!
What a terrible faux pas.
175
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:25,880
Glass of milk, please.
176
00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:31,000
Oh, no! You projected saliva on to
my vest with the hard K-phoneme
of milk.
177
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,480
You OK, Chris?
178
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,240
I'm engaged.
And now she wants a ring.
179
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,360
Oh, lucky! Congratulations!
I'm frightened.
180
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:45,080
Companionship, friendship,
trust and love all rolled into one
happy devotion sandwich.
181
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,480
That's wonderful news, Chris.
182
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,760
No, I mean, you're going
to get so much fanny.
183
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,360
What?! What are you talking about?
184
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:57,120
Women love unattainable men. Tell
them you're off the market and
they roll over like a slimy puppy.
185
00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,400
Really?
186
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,000
Really. Try it.
187
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,280
Oh, no! My trousers are... Don't!
188
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:07,840
Er...barman, two flutes of
champagne, for I have just got
engaged to the love of my life.
189
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,720
Oh, happy day etc.
190
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,240
Oh, that's so romantic! Who is it?
191
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:19,320
Homosexuality is an
abomination against God.
192
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:22,600
And you are perpetuating
the corruption of all society.
193
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:27,520
Well, she seemed
rather taken with you.
194
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:30,800
Shut up.
And try and look a bit butch-er.
195
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,280
Hello.
196
00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:41,600
Oh, I am so sorry.
197
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,840
My mistake, I thought you were...
better looking.
198
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,560
I'm sorry, did you just say
you'd got engaged? Yeah.
199
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:59,440
Can I buy you a drink then?
To celebrate? Mandy can keep you
company in the meantime.
200
00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,960
It works! I'm a love god! Grrrrr!
201
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:06,360
But watch her. When she gets her
claws in she never, ever lets go.
202
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,760
I can't believe
Stockport didn't want me!
203
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,640
Nevertheless, I have a plan
to win back my rightful Grant.
204
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:27,200
I get him round tonight,
get him all his favourite chores
ready, and then he will be mine!
205
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,120
MINE! MINE!
206
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,040
Then what?
Then I will go "whoo-ah-ah-ah!"
207
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:39,000
Then what? I hadn't thought past
the "whoo-ah-ah-ah" bit -
probably watch Property Ladder.
208
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:40,440
Claire?
209
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,840
Yes? I wouldn't normally ask this...
210
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,000
Go for it. That's very kind.
211
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,720
..but who the hell is he?
212
00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,720
Oh, I know. I'm so sorry.
213
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,680
I told Rover I was engaged but I had
no ring so he didn't believe me.
214
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,480
What is wrong with me?
215
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,320
Your standards are lower
than a fat child's self esteem.
216
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:06,280
It's not my fault.
We went to the jeweller's
and he still didn't buy me a ring.
217
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,000
Without the ring I am powerless.
218
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,800
OK, Gollum.
219
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:15,240
Without the ring I'll abandon my
faith and they won't let me go to
communion and eat Jesus bread.
220
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,120
Your flatmate better come up with
the goods soon.
221
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:22,760
It's not real. The pair of you
are just delaying meeting someone
you actually care about.
222
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:23,800
It's a charade!
223
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,720
Or is it a "char-ard"?
224
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,720
A char-ade? A char-ard? A char-ade?
225
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:27,840
It's a char-ard.
226
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,960
Hah! So you admit it!
227
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:35,560
what are you doing? I'm disinfecting
everything that may have touched
Grant or Rachel's private parts.
228
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:36,880
Rover!
229
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:46,280
Ooh, you bitch, you pulled
my bikini top right off.
230
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:49,720
You're the bitch! Why do you have to
fight so dirrrrty?
231
00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:51,840
Oh, here comes Grant!
232
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:57,160
Thank heavens! We can take out our
arcane Sapphic frustrations on him.
233
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,920
Flick it in me hair...
234
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,320
How could you?!
235
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:05,920
Rachel! Er...
236
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,760
How could you corrupt
237
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,760
my astonishing image
238
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:10,760
for your own sexual gratification?!
239
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,640
Photoshop.
240
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,560
And with that rat!
241
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,040
Rachel, you're right.
I'm sorry I'll stop.
242
00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:20,560
Good, Marcus.
243
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,720
It's Grant. And when I go
and do her housework for her later,
244
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,960
I'll make sure that not one
lesbian fantasy crosses my mind.
245
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,600
You do her housework?!
246
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,320
I think we need to pay
that rat a little visit.
247
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,200
SHE GROWLS
248
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,760
Alex, have you seen Chris?
249
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,160
Yeah. He was in.
Telling us he was engaged.
250
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,240
That's sweet of him.
Did he have a ring?
251
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:49,280
No ring but the women
were all over him.
252
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,840
If it had got any gooier
I'd have had to get my mop out.
253
00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,240
Chris was supposed to be out
buying me a ring.
254
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,080
He's not taking me seriously at all!
255
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,080
Oh, I'll give you a ring.
I'll ring you right up.
256
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,240
That doesn't work as an innuendo...
257
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,600
it just sounds like you're going
to phone me. Oh, I'll phone you.
258
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,720
I'll phone you right up.
259
00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:09,600
And, again, it just sounds
like you're going to call me.
260
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,920
Oh, I'll call you. I'll...
I don't even know why I'm trying.
261
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:15,880
You'll sleep with anyone.
Come on, hop on!
262
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,080
No, I won't! I'm different!
263
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,800
I'm engaged. I've changed...
264
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:25,560
Oh, no! I seem to have
265
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:25,560
created some efflorescence with this
266
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:25,560
globular Italian antipasti snack.
267
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:27,840
How vexatious, I must clean it up.
268
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,680
Oh, who am I kidding?
269
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,200
Come up!
270
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,040
Yeah, Grant, come up...
271
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,480
come right into my trap...
272
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,000
Oh, that's foul.
273
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,000
Now, all his favourite laundry
to fold.
274
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:49,960
His favourite kitchen to clean.
275
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,840
His favourite thing to stick up him.
276
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:56,040
His favourite meal.
277
00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,360
And...my piece de resistance.
278
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,600
Perfect.
279
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:09,240
Ah, Grant!
Look at what I've done for you!
All your favourite jobs waiting!
280
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,520
Michelle.
I've been talking to Rachel.
281
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,680
She's waiting outside now. I'm sorry.
282
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,440
She won't let me do this.
283
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,680
What?!
284
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:22,960
She says you take advantage
and she's the only one allowed
to take advantage of me.
285
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:26,040
She's kind of right.
She is my girlfriend.
286
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:29,200
But I've even made a disgusting
mess for you in the bathroom!
287
00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,040
Oh, that's foul.
288
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:35,560
Oh, no! I forgot to walk her
Nintendog! This is a disaster!
289
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,440
I am in so much trouble!
290
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:39,120
There.
291
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,240
I don't believe I'm hearing this.
292
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,040
I'm so much better for you.
293
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:47,960
She's hard and cruel,
and I'm really coy and lovely
I can blush on demand. Watch!
294
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,480
Lovely as that is, I have to go.
295
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,440
Grant, look, before you go, look...
296
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,440
could you...
297
00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,680
DOOR SHUTS
298
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,800
SHE WHISTLES
299
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,800
God, he's fast.
300
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,000
Force of habit.
301
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,720
HORN BLARES
302
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,360
Ooooh!
303
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:29,800
Lu-lu-lu-l-l-l-l.
304
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,720
Hello.
305
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,080
So? What are you wearing sunglasses
for? It's not sunny.
306
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,320
So I can't see the things I hit.
307
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,480
Is it done?
Yes. She's absolutely fine.
308
00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:48,920
See face. Not caring.
I just needed to know
that you'll never see her again.
309
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,280
What?! No...
310
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,600
I can't do that. I can't not see her.
311
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:56,600
Oh, fine. Go back to her. Do her
laundry and scrub her flaming
bathroom. See if I care.
312
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,120
No, I am not her slave.
313
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:02,800
I will not do her
flaming bathroom for her tonight...
314
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:08,120
because it's Thursday
and I do the bathroom on a Saturday
when she's out clubbing.
315
00:17:08,120 --> 00:17:11,280
Well, I'm sure one of these days
she'll appreciate that
316
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,240
and realise that you were
the one for her all along!
317
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:18,920
Give her another ten, 15 years or so
318
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:18,920
and she'll be yours!
319
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:21,280
All the best.
320
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:25,240
Grant! Wait! Please, I'm...
321
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:27,480
Michelle, look, I'm so sorry.
322
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:31,520
Yes, well you bloody well should be!
323
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:33,400
You really hurt my feelings...
324
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:36,320
so make me a batch of Eccles cakes
and clean my bath.
325
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,080
Grant?
326
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:49,680
Oh, I'm forlorn.
327
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,000
What is to become of Michelle?
328
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,400
I'm going to be alone forever.
329
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:59,160
God, if you have any pity
in your heart, send me a man.
330
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:01,880
Hide me!
331
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:04,520
Oh, thanks, God.
You're really funny.
332
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:08,680
All women are insane. Especially
Aunt Dilys who killed
three men but that's by the by.
333
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,720
Every time I mentioned that I
334
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,720
was engaged, women would throw
335
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,720
themselves at me. It was terrifying.
336
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:17,320
How many did you tell?
Just the fit ones.
337
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,320
Oh, fine, if you insist.
338
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,480
Then maybe you want women to
339
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,480
throw themselves at you. You think?
340
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:28,080
Yeah, maybe you want to
sow some of your wild oats.
341
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:31,520
Maybe you're right. Maybe that's
why I had these cards printed up.
342
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:35,240
"I am engaged
and thus unattainable...
and thus irresistible to women".
343
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:39,000
Look, maybe you shouldn't
344
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:39,000
be sowing your seeds with strangers,
345
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:44,440
maybe you want to
plough the fields of someone safe,
and near...and barren.
346
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,880
You're right. I've been
going about this all wrong.
347
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,560
Yeah? Yeah.
348
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:55,320
Instead of spreading myself thinly
amongst the women of the world like
some kind of miracle moisturiser
349
00:18:55,320 --> 00:19:00,520
I should concentrate my vast,
problematic penis on someone
I know, someone I can trust.
350
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,240
Wha...? Sorry? Vast?
351
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,080
Yeah, I'm freakishly well-endowed.
352
00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:07,440
Oh, mercy.
353
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,840
So, any idea when
you might be ready to...
354
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:15,760
put up a scarecrow,
reap some crops,
stick a squirrel up your arse.
355
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:19,600
Oh, I'm ready. I'm ready right now.
356
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:23,080
All women want me, but
there's only one I want.
357
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,920
That's good
because I need harvesting.
358
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,160
I'm going to find Claire!
Thanks, Michelle.
359
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,560
Bad, bad girl!
360
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,000
I'd hit you
but you'd probably love it.
361
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,600
Chris! Chris, have you got the ring?
362
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:43,600
Oh, I've got the ring
363
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:47,320
if you've got the...finger.
364
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,720
Good, well give it here. Patience.
365
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,240
What the hell was that?
366
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,600
Oh, I think you know.
367
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:55,400
I really don't.
368
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,120
All I know is I need that ring.
369
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:01,840
Something bad happened. Something
really bad... What are you doing?!
370
00:20:01,840 --> 00:20:05,440
Oh, yeah. You want this, don't you?
371
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,080
You all want a piece of Chris.
372
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:11,800
Chris, listen to me. The ring,
I need that... . I've discovered
I'm irresistible to women.
373
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:17,840
In the Bar Salade they would have
done anything. I was powerful.
Masculine. I was like H from Steps.
374
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,520
And like
my fellow swordsman Alex says -
375
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,560
I can get any woman I want.
376
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,840
And I want...
377
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,520
YOU!
378
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,720
So, what do you say you and me mosey
379
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,720
on up to chez Chris
380
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:33,680
and get down to some red hot
and quite possibly Dutch...?
381
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,520
I shagged Alex.
382
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,280
What?! Why d'ya do that?
383
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,240
Now, God, I know you thought
it was funny sending me Chris
384
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,040
but please, take me seriously
and send me a real man.
385
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,880
Arghhh!
386
00:20:54,880 --> 00:20:56,720
Oh, that's taking the piss!
387
00:20:56,720 --> 00:21:00,040
Michelle, I need to talk to you.
388
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:01,880
I can't see you any more.
389
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:05,320
Well, duh, you're wearing
a blindfold. No, I know.
390
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,200
There was a slight misunderstanding,
see...?
391
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,800
When Rachel said, quite reasonably,
to not do your laundry
or other stuff,
392
00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:20,040
what she actually meant
was never to lay eyes
on your heinous human form again.
393
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,680
What?! Hence the blindfold.
And what's with the blow-up doll?
394
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:28,160
Rachel said I was either to be
by her side or to carry with me
her image.
395
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,720
And if she told you to jump off
the nearest building?
396
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,480
Would and did.
Luckily it was a kennel.
397
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:35,840
Unluckily there was a big dog in it.
398
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,680
Luckily it was a friendly dog.
399
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,480
Unluckily I landed on it and it died.
400
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,480
I've got a good mind
to pop this bitch!
401
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,600
Hrrrr!
402
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:50,120
Oh, maybe I won't pop her.
403
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,760
Maybe I'll put her over my knee.
404
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,320
Oh, I'm sorry Rachel, did that hurt?
405
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,400
Come here and let me kiss it better.
406
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:07,680
Oh, Rachel, you're so fragrant
and plastic.
407
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,400
And slightly salty.
408
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,400
Yeah, sorry about that.
409
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:18,560
What's that you say, Rachel?
You want me to go even further?
410
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,920
She did. I heard her.
411
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:24,280
Well, we will...
412
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,520
straight after you say you'll dump
her and come and be my friend.
413
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:30,480
I can't! Believe me, I just can't!
414
00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,840
Why? Are you scared of her?
415
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,640
Completely terrified.
416
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,960
She's like all my worst fears
rolled into one.
417
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,920
She's like a big clown spider.
418
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:48,760
Aren't you scared of me?
Look. Grrrr!
419
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,120
Awww, cute.
420
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,360
You don't hit me.
421
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:53,600
Plus, you let me do this.
422
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,960
She hits you?
423
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:59,320
Only in the face.
424
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,320
I have surprisingly tough cheeks.
425
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,680
I use them to store
staples and nails.
426
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,000
Nobody...hits...my...Grant.
427
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,960
Actually, quite a lot of people do.
428
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:13,920
School kids, policemen,
429
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:15,800
the English.
430
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:20,520
We're going down there right now,
to get that clown spider
out of your life.
431
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:21,840
Call me "my Grant" again.
432
00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,040
What did you do that for?
433
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,400
All right. How's it going?!
Alex, he knows.
434
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:35,160
Right... She's good, isn't she?
435
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,080
I'm gonna hit you up inside
the face! I wouldn't do that.
436
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,400
I'm really, really, really,
really, really, hard.
437
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,960
And hot. And you sound like
you're from the South.
438
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:51,680
Are you done?
439
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,720
Yes, I think so.
440
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:08,880
Much more accurate.
441
00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,320
Rachel...! What are you doing?
442
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,200
Now it looks like the real you.
443
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:18,120
Marcus,
I told you not to see Michelle.
444
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:23,960
Sorry. No! You can do anything you
like to me at work but you are not
allowed to mess with my Grant.
445
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,520
"My Grant". What?! I only slapped
him about a bit. He likes it!
446
00:24:28,520 --> 00:24:30,520
He does not!
447
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,240
Look...the truth is...I...I...
448
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:35,680
he loves me...and I love him.
449
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,360
Oh, Michelle. Shut up, Marcus!
450
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,480
I will not have anyone hitting him.
451
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,240
But it's hilarious.
452
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,960
Is it?
453
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960
Let's see how you like it.
454
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,800
I could have you killed.
455
00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,320
I'll stop.
456
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,040
"I hate you Rachel." "I hate you
more Michelle, let's kiss."
457
00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:56,560
Grant?
458
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:57,960
I'm sorry.
459
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,400
So...you love me?
460
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,440
Yeah, of course.
461
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:08,840
This is the best day of my life!
I'm sorry, Rachel, but...
462
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:11,840
Oh, I could just... Oh, I just have.
463
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:19,000
Oh, fine. I'll just have to find
some other no-mark loser
to push around.
464
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:24,800
I may be a no-mark loser, Rachel,
but I'm HER no-mark loser.
465
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:26,800
Oh, stop it you'll make me blush.
466
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,560
Oh, Michelle? Yes, Rachel?
467
00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,000
My dear rat, this is all very
touching and lovely but...
468
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:40,640
correct me if I'm wrong, did you
mention something about me doing
anything I liked to you at work?
469
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:43,520
Erm... did I? I don't remember.
Yes, you did.
470
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,400
I quote "you can do anything you
like to me at work", then you fought,
471
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:51,280
there were breasts everywhere and
it was the best moment of my life.
472
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,320
Thanks a lot, Grant(!)
No, thank you.
473
00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:56,000
Well, then, I'll keep it brief.
You're fired.
474
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:02,280
What?! Too brief? Then you're
really, really, really, really,
really...REALLY fired.
475
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:14,080
You know, all this could have been
averted had you just got me a ring.
476
00:26:14,080 --> 00:26:16,720
Right, right.
I suppose when you get to our age
477
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,760
you come to the realisation
that you're simply
never going to be happy.
478
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:26,680
I thought life and love
were all about the search and
acquisition of a truthful beauty.
479
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:30,360
About two souls joining
in perfect synchronicity but, no...
480
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,560
it's all about desperation
and getting some reliable fanny.
481
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,480
So, Claire Finnerty, you're a slag.
482
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,440
I'm a loser.
483
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,480
'And I'm hot.'
484
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:51,560
Would you do me
the most ridiculous honour of being
485
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:58,640
my long-term hopeless engagement
that is likely to end in shame
and degradation?
486
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,680
That is the most romantic thing
anyone has ever said to me.
487
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:13,080
So when do we kiss?
488
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,920
Honk!
489
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:20,080
What the hell? Not the first time
you've been in that state!
490
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,760
Honk! Oh! How posh are you?
491
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,240
I drive a 4x4 and pay prostitutes
to poo on me.
492
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:26,840
You know what I'll have to do...
493
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:29,360
Oh...oh, no, not that.
Please, not that!
494
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:30,440
Oh, Nelly.
495
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,800
Honk doesn't really stand up
in court!
61341
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