Original subtitles

[Cheerful music]

Rebecca: Love is so great,

that it's almost unreal.

I feel bad for the people who can't find it.

We've all met those types who try to convince their co-workers

that they're fine without it.

And then you take a look at their cubicles

and see heart-shaped frames all over their desks

with pictures of their three-legged cat named Bob.

Not me. Not anymore.

I've paid my dues.

Old people always say, "when you meet the one, you'll know."

Well, they're right.

I mean when I met Richard,

it felt like the butterflies in my belly

dusted off the cobwebs and started fluttering again.

He was the one.

My only one.

Oh my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[Crying]

No! No! I don't get it.

Hey, wait!

Are you guys hiring?

Because no one cares about love anymore.

So why not just have sex and get paid for it, you know?

Oh, come on!

Who cares if my vagina falls off from all the diseases out there?

I'll take some open sores.

Yoo-hoo! You want some of this?

Come on! I got what it takes.

No? Okay.

Oh, my God!

I cannot get laid tonight out of my head!

Richard! Richard and his little...

Wait. What's her name?

Oh, yeah. Whore.

Hey, baby. I'm home.

They paid me 200 bucks to take a picture of a pink poodle.

[Arf]

Richard! Is this Mu-shu still good?

[Moaning]

Hey baby.

Because we got it Tuesday?

And there's pork in it?

I'm gonna...

Go.

You're late.

I've been waiting. Sit down.

Come on, sit down. Give me your hands.

You are such a lost soul.

You're in pain. Someone hurt you.

Someone ripped your heart out and tried to play badminton with it.

This man who hurt you...

He's a dark spirit.

I see blackness all around him.

But wait!

What?

I see a white pony. He stands alone.

His spirit is very bright.

He runs toward you, and... And...

And?

Oh! You turn away! I hate that part.

Why did I turn away?

Because you have to learn the lessons

before you can ride the white pony.

White pony? Can't he be a white stallion or something?

No, it's the white pony that you will ride into the sunset.

Only then can you have the happy ending you desire.

But first, you have to believe.

And you have to learn the lessons that come before.

Lessons? What kind of lessons?

Your own spirit.

Not that bright yet. It needs its roots done.

But you're close.

First, though, you must go through more pain

before your heart can find true happiness.

Well, that just sucks.

Well, it only gets worse.

You gotta be kidding me.

What, do I look like a comedian?

If you don't pay attention,

if you don't listen to your inner psychic voice,

if you choose the wrong paths and the wrong situations,

if you think you can just do it all on your own-

what?

If you ignore the signs...

Love will never find its way into your heart.

You'll live a lonely, desperate, isolated, miserable existence.

I would not want to be you.

[Telephone ringing]

Who is it?

Hi, Carrie, it's Rebecca.

What time is it?

10:00 am.

Why?

I never realized how beautiful it is in the morning.

Birds chirping.

The smell of ass on Hollywood boulevard.

Hey! You want to start jogging?

No kidding, let's jog.

Are you on crack, Rebecca?

I am not jogging.

Please.

Have you seen my boobs lately?

Yeah. They're pretty.

Of course they are, and you know why?

Because I don't fucking jog!

Besides, I have my "animal kingdom" audition in a couple of hours.

Want to go shopping?

Okay.

Wow!

He's a Jerk, 'Bec.

A cock-sucking loser jerk.

Oh, my God.

Every time something like this happens,

it makes me seriously want to consider lesbianism.

You can't even stand looking at your own vagina.

That's not true. I just had to figure out which department did what.

Hey! Maybe you can concentrate more on your work now.

I have been concentrating.

It just takes awhile to go from sandwich ads

and dog shows to vanity fair covers.

It doesn't just happen overnight.

Oh! Oh, no!

What?

I left my camera, my lenses,

my tripod, my gels, everything.

I left my future at Richard's.

Oh, no.

No. No way. I am not going over to his house.

Well, I'm not going to his house.

Michelle.

Oh, hell no!

For real?

Whew, girl.

You know I'll get your stuff, girl.

Um-hmm.

Nah, nah, nah, I ain't gonna beat his ass.

I can't speak for John, though.

That shit would be funny, right?

[Screaming]

I got to go.

What the hell are you doing?

Hot bacon.

Three o'clock.

That's not bacon. That's porterhouse.

Oh, no. He's wearing sneakers.

You can have him.

Fuck that.

I'm not going near that world.

It's gong to be a very long time

before Rebecca goes searching for another dick.

The best medicine is to get back out there.

There's nothing wrong with a little gratuitous sex

to help mend the pain.

Remember the last time we were all single?

We had sex with everyone.

Carrie, Brad Pitt's throbbing cock couldn't help me right now.

Nothing in the world could heal this pain that I'm going-

what?

Do you remember how jealous Richard would get

when any guy would go near me?

Hey, baby.

What?

Can I help you?

Richard! No!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Pap smear.

Yeah. He would go Apeshit.

Exactly.

So I show up at Richard's fashion show tonight with another guy

he sees me mauling him and his insides

will get eaten up almost as bad as mine did.

It's the best revenge. Revenge.

How do I look?

Like a summer flower

that got rained on and stung by a bee.

Go, go, go.

♪ Fire it up ♪

♪ Let's go party down ♪

♪ Light it up ♪

♪ Let's go party down ♪

♪ Light it up ♪ let's go party down ♪

♪ Fire it up ♪ let's go party ♪

♪ Fire it up ♪

♪ Let's go party down ♪

♪ Light it up ♪

Hi.

Hi.

I was just sitting over there with my friend

and thought you were kind of staring at...

Me?

Yeah. I was staring at you.

What are you doing for lunch?

Nothing.

Nothing. Do you like Chinese?

Huh? Chinese food.

Chicken Chow Mein and Mu-shu pork. You know.

Mu-shu.

If you don't like Chinese, we could always just...

No. No. What are you doing tonight?

You want to go to this fashion show with me?

Sweetheart, do you have your gold card?

I seem to have left mine at home.

Who's this?

I don't know.

It's just some bimbo hitting on me.

Come on, bitch! Hurry up. Let's go.

It's not like I do this for a living, you know.

Oh, shit!

What?

I can't even believe you fell for that shit.

Very funny, Michelle.

See how it's done?

That's what I was gonna do.

Look at him, thinking he look all good and shit.

This is exactly why I don't date models.

I don't see what she saw in the guy.

Well, it's all over now.

We can all kiss Richard's stank ass goodbye.

Now get her shit and let's go.

I gotta call my baby daddy.

Holy shit!

What the hell are you doing?

What's up, dog?

What?

You got a problem?

You want to... you want to dance here?

You want to take this outside?

Huh? What's up?

Just get the hell out of here.

You screwed up, man.

You had a rose but you had to go and pluck a weed.

Then to make things even worse,

you go and fuck up all her camera equipment.

What kind of sick bastard are you?

That was her whole life, you asshole!

She sucked at it, anyway.

You and me, buddy.

You and me!

When?

Some day.

Some day.

Michelle: What up, dick?

Just a little water.

That ain't mud on your bed.

So let's go.

I'm getting non-stop excitement!

If you start coming with me,

I told you you'd have better luck here.

It can't be that hard to find one normal guy in this town

just to use for one night.

It's not hard at all.

They're begging to get used.

That last guy was a fluke.

Who the fuck would ask someone out

with their wife shopping two feet away?

I don't get it, Carrie.

I mean, I gave my heart to Richard.

What made him feel the need to have another woman?

Well, that's easy. Penis insecurity.

When the penis doesn't get enough showmanship,

it has to remind itself that it's still an almighty tool

and that it could make any woman moan.

Not one that got used to it like yours,

but one from uncharted waters.

Carrie winters?

Right here, honey. Wish me luck.

Good luck.

♪ Love is never equal ♪

♪ I learned that early at home ♪

♪ Someone always loves more ♪

♪ Than the other ♪

How you doing?

I'm Mike.

Hi.

You're so gonna get this part.

Oh. I'm not an actress?

What?

You're so hot.

Like smoking hot.

You're like hot air popcorn popper hot.

Thank you.

Like hotter than exhaust hot.

Hotter than the devil's pitchfork hot.

What's that smell?

I don't smell anything.

It's totally doing something to me.

What is that?

It's coming from you.

What is that beautiful scent you've got on?

Deodorant?

To me it smells like... Obsession.

Hey, baby.

You!

You smell so hot.

So hold on to your seats, everyone.

Because we're gonna bring you heart-stopping,

claw-biting, family action fun!

That was just-

great. Wonderful.

Really?

Right on!

How long have you been in the business?

Longer than you can scream arggh!

Oh! You're a feisty little one.

Hey, are you guys single by any chance?

As a matter of fact, we both are.

Really? I'll be right back.

Rebecca! Come on in here. They want to meet you.

No. No. I don't want to.

Just get your ass in here! Hurry up!

Now!

Rebecca, I'd like you to meet our dates for tonight.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Excuse me.

The least you could do is thank me.

For what?

We have dates.

Yeah. With two guys that are one chromosome away

from being Woody Allen.

Woody is hot and you know it.

Remember in "white men can't jump"

when they were playing basketball,

and he took off his shirt and he looked all golden like the sunset,

rising up to-

what are you talking about? I said Woody Allen.

Oh. Who's he?

Listen to me, Chrissy snow,

if Richard gets one good look at this mug I'm with,

he'll piss in his pants.

No jealousy, my friend. Just laughter.

I figured it out for you, Janet woods.

When Richard comes down that catwalk,

I'm gonna shout out to him.

When he looks down you grab Milo

and you put his head between your breasts.

He won't see that mug, just a man nestled in your large bosoms.

Not bad.

I'm going, okay? Damn!

Sorry.

I don't understand why we gotta be running this shit.

Because 'bec left a note that said

"save me, it's an emergency, love, Annie hall."

This shit never be starting on time.

Hold on. You have to wait. It's way too crowded in there.

Wait for someone to come out.

Oh, hell nah. Do you know who I am?

Huh?

Oh, no. The small-time crooks are looking more like Cheech and Chong.

Hi.

Wow. Look at the beautiful Shiksas.

Two beautiful Shiksas.

So how was I today?

You were great.

Will you be my Bubbela?

[Belches]

Sorry.

You know, I could do wonders for you, baby.

Uh-huh.

Is that so?

Yeah. That is so.

That's right.

I'm gonna make you cry like a little baby right now.

Uh-huh.

Let me get all up in that chest.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, baby.

Ow!

Um-hmm.

Hiya! Who thinks you're cute?

I do.

Wanna take me home?

No.

Is it 'cause I'm too tall?

I've got a ladder with your name on it.

No.

Is it because you think I'm ugly?

No.

Because you're gay?

No. Oh. Impotent?

No.

Is it that you just don't understand the vagina?

No. I'd be happy to draw a chart.

Carrie, you should pay attention, all right?

'Cause he's gonna come down any minute.

[Electronic rock plays]

Hey, Richard!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Why do these things keep happening to me?

A handsome one who has his dick go in the wrong fucking hole!

It's not fair!

I'm the one who's humiliated all the time!

It's not fair!

Girl!

The humiliation, throwing up in my face.

What, 'Chelle? Girl!

Are you crazy?

Your big old tittie's hanging out.

Fuck it!

They're just fucking globs of fat!

That girl crazy.

[Crying]

You know, you're wasting water.

But we really have to get out of here,

because there's this giant woman

that's gonna come chasing after me any second from now.

I'm serious.

Do you want to go get some ice cream?

Tell me I don't smell like puke anymore.

You don't smell like puke anymore.

You're a bad liar.

What can I get you two?

I'll have the "I just got dumped" sundae.

I don't think that's on the menu, dear.

Then make me the best sundae you could possibly imagine

that would take away every painful experience

that any man ever did you wrong.

You know what I think?

What do you think, John?

I think everything happens for a reason.

Oh, God. Please don't give me any of that spiritual crap.

I heard it from a psychic this morning.

The best I'm ever gonna find is a white pony.

And to tell you the truth,

I'd settle for a brown donkey.

You know what, 'bec, maybe that's your problem.

You just keep on settling for these idiots.

I have known you for so long,

and every single day, you teach me how to be a better person.

But for whatever reason,

you will not let someone love you the way you deserve to be loved.

And how should I be loved, John?

Thank you.

I just have to go to the back. Be right back.

God, you're such an idiot!

You just gotta fucking say it, John.

Say the fucking words!

Say it out loud. Okay?

Rebecca, you should be loved like no one else in this world.

You should smile every day knowing that every morsel of your being

is being nourished by a man that will do anything he can

to make Rebecca happy.

Me, Rebecca. I love you.

The way you should be loved

is to be loved by me.

See that? There you go.

That's good.

That was beautiful.

Thanks.

All right.

Rebecca, there's something I gotta tell you.

Listen, if you tell me that you're dying of a terminal illness,

I swear to God I'm gonna kill myself.

I'm not dying.

Oh, thank God.

Well, what is it?

Richard destroyed all your camera equipment.

What?

When I went to your place to pick up all your stuff,

your equipment was in the corner and he just... he ruined it.

I'm sorry.

What am I gonna do?

I'm not gonna be able to work.

I can't afford to buy new equipment.

It'll be fine.

I'll pawn one of my guitars-

no. No, John.

You've been collecting those things

since Keanu Reeves started his first band.

Just forget it. It's useless.

I have no future. I have no future.

No, Rebecca. What if your future's sitting right next to you, huh?

Maybe the person sitting right next to you

wants to spend their entire life making Rebecca happy.

You know, stop drowning yourself in this dark pit

and pick yourself up and realize

that the person sitting next to you might just be your entire existence.

Please take a chance for once.

Excuse me.

Yes?

Are you, by chance, my future?

Yes, I believe I am.

What do you think? Should I go for it?

All right. Wish me luck.

What's your name?

Rebecca. I'm Jake.

Hi, Jake.

Can I have one "I'm a complete dumb-ass pussy" sundae, please?

[Disco music plays]

Are you sure this is ecstasy?

Oh, yeah. Without a doubt.

It's even mildly laced with acid.

Huh?

Shush!

You like to experiment sexually?

What do you mean?

You know, try new things.

Um... Not really.

Good. I can't wait to get you.

Shush.

Now count to thirty and come into the bedroom.

Okay.

If this is my future,

I pray a large piano falls out of the sky

and hits me right now.

Why can't drug hallucinations be real?

The shit's starting to kick.

What the hell, Rebecca?

Let's have some fun.

Time to go fishing, baby.

Touch my bass, Rebecca.

Touch my bass!

Touch my fucking bass!

Michelle: She look dead.

Carrie: She's not dead.

How do you know?

'Cause she'd be blue.

Hey, girl.

You still with us?

Whew! She smells like fish!

Oh, my God!

Did you sleep with Charlie the tuna last night,

or do you need to douche?

Just leave me alone.

Take your time. Don't nobody want to smell that.

Um-um.

[Bell rings]

[Birds chirping]

[Beeping]

Rebecca, I got you some food.

Huh?

[Bell rings]

[Birds chirping]

[Beeping]

What in the hell are you doing?

I knew that shit wake you up, girl.

You been sleeping for three days.

I was not sleeping.

I was thinking.

Yeah. Well, you might think better

when you don't smell like a dead fish.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't ever say that word again.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go cook some frozen food.

I can make you a fish stick.

Rebecca: Shut up!

Oh, shit.

What now?

Aunt Flo came early this month.

Well, girl, at least you ain't pregnant and shit.

Know what I'm saying?

Would you help her with a baby?

I don't know. Would you?

Babies are sticky.

Well, at least she could get some food stamps or something.

Yeah, 'cause Richard would've done nothing to help the baby.

Rebecca: Will you guys shut up?

You mean to tell me with the two of you living here

you don't have one tampon in the house?

No. We're out.

Well, can you go buy me some?

I ain't got no money.

Just forget it.

What do you mean, I have herpes?

That's not possible.

I've only slept with one guy in my entire life.

People like me don't get diseases.

People like you get herpes all the time.

It's the naive ones who think it can't happen to them.

But doctor...

God, I can't live in this state of pain.

[Sobbing]

You won't have to.

It's called "herpes away."

It's a creamy little ointment without any deadly side effects.

"Take once a day to avoid outbreaks."

This is amazing.

I can't wait to tell my friends all about it.

Just stop.

What's wrong?

I'm not believing a word you're saying.

Well, duh, that's 'cause I'm acting.

I mean, I see quite a few things on your resume.

And I think, how could anybody have ever hired you?

And then it dawns on me, I bet every time you did get hired,

it was always by a man.

You need to pay your dues in acting.

Not with men.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I hope one day you do know what I'm talking about.

Yeah?

Well, I hate to rain on your parade, lady.

But this shit doesn't work.

Store announcer: What's for dinner?

We've got a special on ground Chuck today, ladies.

You can't go wrong with meat.

Oh, shit.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Shit!

Hello? Hello, please hurry up.

It's an emergency.

This is an emergency, too, sweetheart.

[Loud flatulence]

Store announcer: Irv, we need a clean-up on aisle two.

Store announcer: Irv, we need a clean-up on aisle two.

Oh, help, I've fallen.

Oh! Oh, and I'm bleeding.

Oh, no!

Store announcer: Irv, we need a clean-up in produce.

Oh, shit!

Store announcer: Irv, we need a clean-up in produce.

No. Thanks, Irv, I've got it covered.

When they were in the bag, they were $1.99.

Well, I can't ring them up unless they're in the bag.

There is no bag. This is all that's left, okay?

I already told you.

If they're not in the bag, I can't ring them up.

Listen, sweetheart,

we're both girls, okay?

Just give me a break.

The longer I stand here, the more IRV's gonna have to clean up.

That seems to be your problem, not mine.

No. Please-

Irv, could we get a price check, please,

on the super-size maxi pads

for the woman who keeps bleeding all over the store.

Stop her!

Wait! Wait!

I'll knock you out! I'll knock you out!

You don't run no more! Don't run no more!

I'll knock you out!

I'll get you, lady.

Hey, 'bec.

Hi.

How's it going? Okay.

What have you there?

Nothing.

So when are you gonna see him again?

Tonight.

He's taking me to the contra grill.

You're so lucky to be dating a model.

He's not just a model.

H's fucking Richard Huntington.

Top model.

He just landed three Richeau Commercials.

That's huge!

Maybe I'll catch a drink with you guys after dinner.

You can't. Why not?

After dinner I'm gonna fuck the shit out of him.

You're so lucky. I know.

Do you think maybe you could hook me up with one of his friends?

No.

You a cyclist or just play for the other team?

Why? 'Cause I'm waxing my legs?

I get real, real nosy sometime.

I like to know everything, you know?

What you need to do is wax that ass.

I'm actually a magician.

I'm doing an underwater trick on the tonight show next week,

and I can't have any hair on my legs.

That's cool. That's real dope.

Where you from?

I flew in from Chicago, actually.

Hey! What you doing tonight?

'Cause I would love to hook you up with my girl.

You know what I'm saying?

Uh-huh.

She been through a lot of shit. You know?

Take her out to dinner, make her feel real good.

That could be fun.

That would be real nice.

She need to get out real, real bad.

She done been through some shit.

Ow!

Well, she sounds great.

Oh, no, no, no, I didn't mean for it to sound like that.

You know, she a super-cool Barbie doll

that just got dumped by Ken.

But she cool, she a good girl, you know what I'm saying?

Is there some place, you know, cool,

that you recommend that I could take her?

Uh...

Ah!

You know, I was thinking maybe you could take her to the contra grill.

Around 8:00. Don't be late 'cause I'll beat your ass.

Anything else?

Pay me forty bucks for the wax.

And twenty bucks 'cause I look good.

Oh. Oh, here you go.

Keep the change.

Yo, this only a dollar.

Oh. Yeah.

Look again.

Hey! Whew, baby! That's my boy!

It's magic.

Rebecca: "You will experience the tingling sensation

"as the fatty acids and fruit enzymes

replenish the nutrients in your skin."

Hi. How are you?

Tom, is it?

I'm Rebecca.

So you're a magician, huh?

That's cool.

This? Oh it's syphilis.

I caught it in prison.

Hey, where are you going?

"Remove with one smooth motion."

Ow!

Oh, my God!

One, two, three!

Oh, for crying out loud, Rebecca.

Revenge is not the solution.

I'll be fine.

I think.

And now, you have lost your fiance.

You're not gonna have kids till you're fifty!

Mom, we were never engaged.

That is just great to hear.

You have been living with this man for two years.

Mom, I-

you need to find a good catholic boy.

What about that nice fella that works for you?

Who, John?

See? He's even named after one of the disciples.

Mom, I am so not his type.

So what are you gonna do with your life now?

Shoot up some heroin and become a sex slave.

Oh, for Pete's sakes!

Ma, did you hear that?

Hear what?

Oh, mercy!

[Flatulence]

Ha!

Come on. Come on.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, now I gotta zip.

Okay. Here we go.

Fuck!

Come on, please. Okay.

Just one more thing.

Just let me button them.

I swear to God I'll be good.

Okay? Here we go, God.

One, two, three!

Okay. Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck you.

Puff the magic dragon's in the house.

You think you could magically make my ass smaller?

Carrie didn't tell me that her jeans were size negative 4.

They're baggy on me.

But don't let you big ass deter you from your mission.

We want Richard to eat his heart out.

Oh, he will.

Two of hearts.

Oh, my God.

Hey, do you want a beer?

Yeah.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

[Cracking]

Magic, huh?

Yeah.

[Chirping]

Hi. I'm Rebecca.

You are gorgeous.

I'm lucky.

Okay.

Isn't that nice?

I'll go put these in invisible water.

Are you ready?

Okay.

[Door closing]

Hey, what's invisible water?

Michelle: I don't know.

So, Michelle told me you've been having a tough time lately.

Yeah. Yeah. But I'd really rather not talk about it.

I've been trying to forget about it for like a whole ten minutes.

I hope I can help.

Me, too. I crave distraction right now.

Really? Huh.

Why don't you look under the table?

[Cooing]

Um, there's a fucking bird under the table.

Why don't you look again?

I swear to God there was a bird there a second ago.

It's magic.

Oh.

I'm really hungry.

Can we maybe call the waiter over here

so we can order some food? I'm gonna start gnawing on the table cloth.

No problem.

Oh. Do you have a headache?

Shush. I'm psychically calling our waiter.

Are we ready to order?

Es Magico.

Would you care to hear the specials?

Sure. Wonderful.

We have a Fettucini that is out of this world.

Bathed in white clam sauce.

And we have a fantastic rabbit.

Rabbit!

I love rabbit.

I'll have the rabbit, well done, please,

and a bottle of your best chardonnay.

She'll have salad and the water.

Certainly. Very good.

I hope my rabbit doesn't eat your salad.

Will you excuse me?

I have to use the little girls' room.

Oh, come on.

Please.

Where did he get that shirt?

And the skank.

She's pretty.

Why do Exs look better when they're Exs?

Why am I talking to myself in the mirror?

I don't know.

Then shut up.

You shut up.

Why did the blonde jump off the building?

To see if a maxi-pad had wings.

[Crying]

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi.

Wow.

You look even more beautiful.

What? Huh? No, thank you.

No, I didn't ask you anything.

I just said that you look even more beautiful.

Oh! You made this into a flower. That's so sweet.

No. That wasn't me. That was the waiter.

Oh.

So, beautiful,

where would you like to go after this?

Why don't we figure that out later?

Right now I just want to sit in this chair and stay put.

Or maybe not.

You weigh 125 pounds, right?

No. I'm 115.

Fine. 125.

Here we are.

A beautiful salad for a delightful lady.

And... The rabbit.

Rabbit!

Can you send a blue fucker on the rocks

to that guy in the corner?

Um-hmm.

I'll go first.

Oh. I didn't know we were taking turns.

Let's see, your beauty is like a magic spell.

So mysterious and tricky,

it could make an angel lose his wings.

Where's my wings?

Where's my wings?

But conquer any dragon.

I hope you let me look inside because I'd really love to taste your treasure.

Well, my treasure's under construction right now, so...

Oh.

Now, you.

Okay. Um...

Excuse me, sir. A blue fucker,

compliments of the young lady over there.

Who's that?

Your love spell has worked so well

that it has taken control over my body

and making me do things I would never do in my life.

Oh, shit! I'm sorry.

No, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I got it.

No. No, don't. Don't. It's fine.

No, no, no, no. It's fine.

Don't worry about it. No, no, no-

guess what? It ain't magic.

[Screaming]

And the wizard says to the little boy,

"you can't do magic with your bare hands.

You need a magical wand."

Will you shut up?

[Tires screech]

You stupid-

[tires screech]

[Siren wails]

Magic spell!

What the hell is your problem?

You realize you could've killed somebody?

First of all, top o' the morning to you.

I'm sorry, officer.

There was actually a big bee in the car.

And I'm allergic.

A bee?

Sir, I'm gonna ask to search your vehicle.

Would you please pop the trunk for me?

Sure.

Pop.

There you go.

So what do we got?

A couple of smart-asses.

Whew. Whew.

We got ourselves a couple of bombers.

Sure as shit do.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Don't worry. Follow my lead.

Don't move.

You wanna tell me about what you got in the trunk?

Yeah. I'm a magician.

I didn't know magicians carried c-4.

C-4? What the hell is c-4?

C-4 is actually a very powerful explosive.

Explosive? Are you out of your mind?

Wait. Of course you are.

Listen, I can explain.

I'm doing a big underwater trick on the tonight show.

And there's a big explosion at the end.

That's all.

That's it. All right, out of the car.

What?

Step out of the car. You're under arrest.

Step out of the car, sir. Step out.

Turn around, hands behind your back.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You know the rest.

This is a big misunderstanding.

We're gonna be fine.

They're not gonna do nothing to us.

I need you both to remove all of your garments, please.

Can we both do this separately?

I mean, I hardly know this guy.

Yeah. Well, that's what they all say.

She doesn't feel comfortable

taking off her clothes in front of me.

Either you do it or I do it for you.

Okay.

You're almost there.

Please. Please, I am begging you. Please.

Let me do this someplace else.

What is that, a mattress?

All right, it's your turn, sir.

Let's go.

Well, I won't be giving her the cavity search.

So it looks like it's your lucky day, bastard.

Drop 'em.

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

I was saving this trick for later.

Magic!

Hi. Hi.

Can I ask you something?

I'm not going anywhere.

What made you get into your profession?

I walked in on my boyfriend fucking another girl.

That's it! That's it! I knew it!

I'm joining your posse!

I just need to get away from all this pain.

You know what I realized?

Sometimes you just gotta face the music.

And move on.

Blah blah blah blah.

Yeah, right, lady.

"The hardest love to learn is that which is dark.

"The kind that causes the most pain.

"It is up to the soul to look past that dirty love

"and regain the beauty that illuminated so bright before.

Pure love."

Yeah, right.

My white pony is probably in a give factory by now.

♪ You're so unfair to me, man ♪

♪ Can't you see what you're doing to me ♪

♪ I'll go along my way ♪

Rajul. Listen, I had to sleep with a 70-year-old man

for two years to get that ring.

You should have kept your legs together.

You are an asshole.

You're a slut.

I'm aware of that, but it's three karats.

Hi.

What have you got for me?

A 1968 Martin V.18,

a '59 Gretsch Duo Jet,

a '59 country Western,

and a '66 Kohner.

The '66 Kohner. Can I see it, please?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

You like it?

I cannot believe my eyes.

This is the very guitar I played for my wife at our wedding.

Are you sure it was that very guitar?

Yes. You see this?

"R" is Rajul. Me.

"M" is for Morona, my wife.

I always wondered what that meant.

That's pretty amazing, huh?

No, no. It was meant to be.

I always knew it would come back to me.

How much do you want for it?

Name your price.

The others you can keep. I have no need for them.

$3,000.

Done.

Okay.

Wait!

Wait.

Here's another 500.

That you for taking such good care of it.

You are very, very welcome. Thank you.

All right.

Have a good day.

What you doing?

I'm practicing. Gosh!

For what?

It's a new kind of mating call I read in some onion newspaper.

It subconsciously attracts men to women.

By making your nose squeak?

Yeah. Why do you think I had so many dates this week?

'Cause you a 'ho.

Hey, John's driving tonight, right?

No doubt.

Oh, my God! Look at this!

Look. Why does it have to go here and not my boobs?

What you need to do is get your titties done like me.

I might be hungry but I look good.

I think I'm leaning on one of your boobs.

I can't wait to see this band play.

Yeah, well, just don't puke all over the mosh pit

and it should be pretty good.

Oh, my God. I totally forgot about that.

Some asshole slipped me a Mickey.

That was your boyfriend, Carrie.

Holy shit, you're right.

It's all coming back to me now.

He kept wanting me to go in his van.

You know, your really need to be more careful on who you pick up.

Why do you think I stopped dating grips?

I caught on pretty quick that they have absolutely no say in the casting process.

You know what? You've been going at this for six years now

and it probably wouldn't hurt to get into some acting classes.

No. I don't like how they want you to go deep inside yourself.

And think.

It hurts my head, all that "find your inner child."

My inner child is a dark, muddy tunnel.

I don't want to step foot in it.

I can tell you from experience,

once you face the music

you just might see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Honey, my light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.

[Horn honking]

Let's go, people.

Who is the best designated driver in the whole world?

John is! John is! John is!

I feel really buzzed.

That's 'cause I put Jack in your drink.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Indistinct chatter]

Hi.

Hey, man, are you gay?

No.

Oh, man, you gotta be gay.

'Cause that's the only way hot chicks like that

would be seen with a twinky like you.

Hey, pork chop.

Yeah?

You're just a bit jealous

because you pumped so many steroids into your body

that your dicks have completely shriveled up.

Now, him, on the other hand...

She's right.

He's always hard and makes me wet all day long.

[Moaning]

He be tearing that ass up, you know what I'm saying?

A little bit of donkey.

[Moaning]

You like that, don't you, little cracker boy?

Let's go, man, let's go.

Carrie: Oh, that was awesome!

I think I got one of his only chest hairs in my mouth.

Rebecca, I can stick up for myself sometimes, you know.

I know. We're just helping out a friend, that's all.

You know, you're kind of cute when you get turned on.

I was not turned on.

I beg to differ.

Well, what do you expect?

I'm just saying I'm, you know, impressed.

See me in the shower.

Is that an invitation?

I'm drunk.

[Horn honking]

Come on!

Here's to the men that we love.

Here's to the men that love us.

But the men that we love will never love us

so fuck all the men. Here's to us.

Word.

Oh, God. I can't believe he's here.

Who?

Robert Rodale.

That guy is probably the worst director

on the face of the planet.

I've seen every single one of his films.

Right now he's doing this $100 million piece of crap called "night vision."

It's about some guy who can see in the dark.

Who really cares?

When does it start shooting?

I don't know.

Okay, Carrie, here we go.

[Laughing]

Perfect.

That girl never ceases to amaze me.

I don't believe it.

You need to believe it 'cause I live with her.

No. No. Richard's here.

Why do people have to bump into their Exs when we get past them?

I mean, can't they just die after we're done with them?

Rebecca, you want me to go ask him to leave?

No! No! No!

Thanks, though.

I'm just gonna deal with this the only way I know how.

Rebecca, maybe you should just slow down.

Poo poo on you!

I wanna dance. Come on.

John, is that you?

I knew we were totally meant to be together.

Come on, girl, let's go drop it like it's hot. Come on.

You want to drop it like it's hot?

No! Come here!

All of us believe that this is not up to you.

The fact of the matter is that it's up to me.

Audience: Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Let's go!

♪ How can we fake this anymore ♪

♪ Turn our backs away and choose to just ignore ♪

♪ Some say it's ignorance it makes me feel some innocence ♪

♪ It takes away a part of me but I won't let go ♪

♪ Tell me, why can't you see it's not the way ♪

♪ When we all fall down it will be too late ♪

♪ Why is there no reason we can't change ♪

♪ Once we all fall down who will take the blame ♪

♪ What will it take ♪

♪ If nothing could ever be this real ♪

Oh, my God.

Fuck you, Richard!

♪ Some can't make the sacrifice ♪

♪ It's much more than just black and white ♪

♪ And I won't follow ♪

♪ Tell me, why can't you see it's not the way ♪

♪ When we all fall down it will be too late ♪

♪ Why is there no reason we can't change ♪

♪ Once we all fall down who will take the blame ♪

She's a crazy white bitch.

♪ Well, at times like these ♪

♪ I've come to see how everything but time is running out ♪

Do you believe in destiny?

I used to.

Wow? Really? I was always thinking about becoming a Scientologist.

They're always famous, you know?

Is there like an audition, or something?

I could do a monologue from Ron I. Hubbard.

♪ We don't see ♪

♪ Tell me, why can't you see it's not the way ♪

♪ When we all fall down it will be too late ♪

♪ Why is there no reason we can't change ♪

♪ Once we all fall down who will take the blame ♪

Why?

You're right. She does look better from a distance.

I don't know why.

Why don't you just leave us alone?

No, I think you do know why.

Because the night before you did this,

we looked at each other and said that we would always be together.

And I believed you.

This was over a long time ago, Rebecca.

You just weren't giving me what it was that I needed.

And what was that? Gonorrhea?

Get over yourself, Rebecca, okay?

I don't give a shit about you.

I don't know if I ever did.

So why don't you just get the fuck away from us, huh?

See, I told you.

You and me, bro.

You and me!

Hi. That was so hot.

Rebecca-

fuck it.

Excuse me!

Yeah?

Do you want to have sex?

What?

I'm totally gonna have sex with you.

What do I gotta do?

Nothing. I mean, you can try a bunch of cheesy lines on me,

but why bother? What I'm telling you is no matter what you do

you're gonna get laid.

I don't get it.

But you're going to.

Let's go.

Can I buy you a drink?

I don't know. Can you?

I was thinking about getting my boobs done.

But then I decided not to.

You wouldn't be able to see my inner beauty.

I'd be just like every other manufactured Barbie doll in this town.

Just seeking constant attention from everyone.

Hey!

Are you listening to me?

I wouldn't let a plastic surgeon go near.

I wouldn't go that far.

I did have my nose done, and I did have collagen put in my lips.

And you can be damn sure when I turn 35 I'm getting a full face pull.

Hey, baby, where you been?

Right here, waiting for you.

Who is she?

Just some skank who wants in my movie.

Hey, asshole, I heard that.

Good.

You know, one day I'm gonna be big.

And you'll be sorry.

Sure, sweetheart.

From your lips to God's ears.

So why don't you go find another dick to suck,

'cause my movie's cast.

You know what?

It's guys like you that make girls think

they have to play your "tickle my dick" game

to get anywhere in this fucking town.

Well, not anymore.

In fact, why don't you take care of your own pencil dick

and give the new girls in this town a little bit of time

to show their stuff before you rape them of any chance they've got.

I'm having some people over for an after-hours.

You're welcome to join us.

What, is your mommy out of town?

That's funny.

So...

You good in bed?

'Cause if you're gonna point and shoot,

then I ain't interested.

You see, a woman needs some warm-up.

You know, some pre-game.

You know what I'm saying?

You know you're white, right?

Don't you ever call me that.

You're kind of cute for a white boy.

Hey, Michelle, let's get out of here.

I was gonna go to this after party.

No, 'Chelle, let's just go.

All right. I gotta go.

It's cool. See you later.

What the fuck was that?

You fucking pussy, you let her get away?

I was on stage with her fucking girlfriend. I was gonna fuck her.

[Moaning]

How's that? Do you like what I'm doing, baby?

Yeah, just don't talk.

What the hell...

Ouch!

It's not bubble gum. You don't chew it.

Oh. Sorry.

I can do it better.

No. No.

No.

I can't do this.

This is so stupid. I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Come on. Just give me another chance.

It's not you. It's me.

Why the hell do chicks always say that?

I don't know. Hormones. Morals. 12 years of catholic school.

Will we see each other again?

I don't want to see anybody for a while.

At least till I know it's right.

Let me give you a tip.

Buy yourself a mango, cut it in half, and practice.

[Door closing]

Rebecca: What's wrong with girls?

Why do we feel the need to sleep with someone for revenge?

I don't know how we ever let guys make us feel this way.

We're supposed to be spiritually stronger then men.

Yet I feel like we are so much weaker.

I don't know. Maybe we do it because we need to feel wanted.

Maybe it's just to fill that deep, dark hole.

To make some of that pain go away.

A little company.

Or maybe it's okay to just take time and go through things alone.

Why does love have to be so cruel?

Why did you do this, John?

I did it cause...

Because you're the most beautiful girl in the world,

and when you are happy,

your face lights up so much,

and I hated seeing you unhappy.

And I knew that if I got you this stuff,

your world would come together and it would make your life better,

and you deserve the best life in the world.

I can't.

I can't do this. No.

It just won't work.

Why?

I'm sorry.

[Door slams]

John!

John.

John!

John, please.

John, just in the car. I am begging you.

Listen, I never meant to hurt you.

I've just been through so much

that I can't handle being in a relationship right now.

Rebecca, do you know that I have been in love with you

since the very first moment I saw you?

I really thought that if I was patient,

things would just work itself out,

and I sat there and I watched

when it just seemed like you'd rather be with someone who treated you like shit

than someone who really fucking cared about you.

Here I am, Rebecca. Here I am.

You know, I'm putting my heart on the line here,

and you don't seem to care at all.

I do.

I do.

Why?

I...

Why?

Forget it.

You know, I think I'd really rather take the bus.

I'm scared.

Fuck.

Fuck!

♪ Baby I was hoping ♪

♪ For a sign ♪

♪ Something that I couldn't deny ♪

♪ And then I was running so fast ♪

Damn it! Shit!

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ I finally took a good look ♪ ♪ around ♪

Pony.

White pony.

♪ Just for a moment ♪

You're my white pony!

Rebecca: I guess what we're supposed to do

is find someone whose soul illuminates as bright as yours,

to grow with in all the right ways.

John!

You're my white pony! Yeah!

Stop the bus! Hey!

Stop the bus!

Rebecca!

♪ So now it's waking from my lonely dream ♪

Are you all right?

John, you're my white pony.

♪ So beautiful the things I can see ♪

♪ Do you believe do you believe ♪

♪ Do you believe in holding love ♪

♪ Do you believe do you believe ♪

Rebecca: Once you let go of dirty love,

your heart can open up to the highest love of all.

Pure love.

The kind of love you wait your whole life for.

♪ I've been looking for the beauty in life ♪

♪ And I found it deep inside of me ♪

♪ And then I opened wide ♪

♪ Now I'm flying ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna hold me down ♪

They're just fucking globs of fat!

That's good.

That was beautiful.

Thanks.

All right.

I got to go.

"Take once a day to avoid outbreaks."

This is amazing.

I can't wait to tell my friends all about it.

Es magico.

Touch my bass!

Touch my fucking bass!

Yeah.

[♪...]