All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S03E08.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab+AMZN_HI.en

[upbeat music playing]

Ahh, smokinghot.com/deborah.

Gorgeous! Gorgeous!

Someone get me a bloody spoon,

'cause I'm eating up
what you're serving.

Look at that. Yummy.

- That's fucking tasty.
- [chuckles]

Just give us five minutes, OK?

We're just gonna adjust
for the next setup.

- Whoo!
- Thank you.

OK, fierce.

You gotta teach me how
to take a photo like that.

Chin down,
ears forward, eyes up.

And hum the national anthem.
It keeps the jowls tight.

OK, think I'm just
gonna stick with,

"Here, let me take it."

OK. I got great news.

We are officially on the books
for your test show

- two weeks from Friday.
- Great.

We shouldn't even
have to do a test show.

I mean, I say we force
the network's hand.

What if I tweeted something
like "Deborah got the job"?

I mean, the network's never
gonna backtrack

if it's already out there.

OK, that's genius.

[chuckles]

Kayla, do not tweet
anything, OK?

We are so close
to the finish line here.

It's down to Deborah
and the X Games guy.

- You know that.
- OK, calm your nuts.

Anyway, it's perfect timing
for the test show

because it's exactly when
the Meena Elahi piece will run.

- That's right.
- Wait.

Meena Elahi's the journalist
you've been talking to?

She's amazing.

She's taken so many people down.

But you, you, she will lift up.

She... she's going
to Berkeley, right?

Yep.
She's gonna meet you Friday.

She's gonna be with you
the whole weekend.

Hold on.

This weekend is Palm Springs.

No, this weekend,
Deborah's getting

her honorary doctorate
from Berkeley.

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Am I double booked?

It... it was not in
the shared Google Cal, see?

It was not in
the shared Google Cal!

I texted you about it, dork.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.

It's right... OK, shit.
All right.

I texted Damien Plumber,

who I think is a plumber I used,

because I'm scrolling up,

and I'm seeing a clogged toilet.

- There it is.
- I... I was sick, but you know.

Deborah, you headline
Palm Springs Pride every year.

And this year, we have
the House of Vance activation.

Yeah, but she can't
miss Berkeley.

It's a huge deal.

And "The New Yorker's"
gonna be there.

You're gonna handle
the activation.

I will go to Berkeley.

I'll fly back in time
for the show.

And we'll do both.

- It'll be great.
- OK.

OK, that can work.

Works for us too, as well.

It'll be fun.

You can bring a friend.

OK, Deb. Ready for you, mama.

OK.

[upbeat music playing]

All right, let's do it.

Sensational.

Oh.

Boom.

[humming "Star-Spangled Banner"]

♪ ♪

It was just a really exciting
and stimulating place

to go to school, you know,

especially at that time
with all the anti-war protests

and that sort of thing.

Oh, that building there,

that is the first place
I was ever on stage.

At that Jamba Juice?

Well, it was
a blackbox theater then.

But there were a lot of fruits!

[chuckles]

Oops.

Uh, oh, Meena, I meant
to ask you, with this profile,

are you including
one of your famous

caricature illustrations?

I love those.

I always wanted
a giant head and a tiny body.

- Ha!
- Well, that's art department.

It's not my purview.

Ah.

Uh, Meena, I just want to say,

I loved your piece
about how white people

have gentrified jokes
about white people.

So 2012 me.

[laughs]

I found that fabulous as well.

Oh, thank you.

A lot of white people liked it,
which is interesting.

Both: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Yo, are you...
are you Deborah Vance?

Why, yes I am.

No cap?

None at all.

Dude, I told you.

You're, like, mad cute.

Like, you should come to
Chi Phi Beta's party tonight.

We got a keg and, like,
six couches in one room.

Uh, I think my Jell-O shot days

are behind me, boys... sorry.

Well, let me know
if you change your mind.

My name's Chris,

and I'm trying to show you
a good time.

Oh, Chris. [chuckles]

[laughs]

I could be their age, right?

Well, you do own
the same shorts.

I'm just playing with you!

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Love this girl.
- [laughs]

[alarm beeping]
Yeah, we're kidding.

Oh, that's me.

Yeah, I gotta go
do that interview

at the college radio station.

Meena, I'd ask you to tag along,

but I don't want you
to get jealous,

me talking to another reporter.

Would you say jealousy
plays a big role in your life?

No.

Um, OK, I'll see you guys.

I'm gonna hit the dining hall.

Hey, do you mind if I tag along?

Maybe we could talk?

Oh, um, yeah, sure.

Great.

[upbeat music]

So yeah,
after the special came out,

I left and went to LA.

Oh, so you left
and then you came back?

Well, I'm just here temporarily.

Deborah freed me
to pursue other work.

Freed you?

Sounds like
you were her prisoner.

Oh, no. No.

It was actually really cool
and selfless of her.

I mean, she pushed me,

and that led to me getting
a job at "On The Contrary."

I'm co-producer now.

Oh, but if I get a title bump
before this goes to print,

how would I get in touch?

Shoot you an email or...

Can we get
off the record here a sec?

Sure.

Look, Ava,
I don't have an agenda here.

I don't go into a piece
with an angle,

and I want to portray Deborah

as the complicated person
she is.

But a lot of what
I've found out about her

does indicate she is not
the easiest person to work for.

Did you talk to the elves?

- What?
- What?

No, I don't... I don't know.

Uh, I talked to a hairdresser

who requested time off
for his wedding,

but Deborah couldn't
guarantee his job

because she "couldn't
predict the market."

Yeah, um... look.

Deborah can be tough, for sure.

But that's 'cause she has
really high standards

for herself and everyone else.

But if you can meet
those standards,

she'll take care of you.

OK.

Do you think
Naomi Fry would like me?

It's "Nomi," so...

"Nomi."

"Nomi," get to know me. OK.

[upbeat music]

But all sales are electronic,

and so we cannot accept
quarters.

Thank you, king.

OK, that clip-on bidet
in the bathroom turned me out,

- so I will be needing one.
- Got it.

Listen, you don't have
to stay here while I'm working.

I can meet you afterward.

It's actually kind of fun.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Would Deborah sign
my bottle of Fen-Phen?

I've had it since the '90s
from when she used to sell it.

To the best of my recollection,

Deborah never sold Fen-Phen
and is therefore

not liable for any
cardiovascular complications

or issues you may or may not
have experienced.

And unfortunately,
she's not here today.

- What?
- Oh, no.

I thought the whole fucking
point was that this was

a shoppable house
and she was gonna be here

to sign anything
that we purchased.

I know. It was my idea.

And again, my apologies.

But if you come
to the show tomorrow,

I'm making sure she does
a signing session afterward.

I'm gonna be on G then,

and I don't want
to meet her like that.

Can't you just not do G?

No.

Happy Pride.

Yeah, sorry about him.

But I think we're gonna go
to the Ace

if you want to come.

Oh.

I'm... I'm actually here
for work, but thank you.

Yeah, OK.

Maybe next time.

- Have fun.
- Yeah, you too.

Watch out.

If you need me to run the iPad

so you can go catch a dick,

- please let me know.
- No. No. No.

- Ooh.
- I can't go there.

I do not hook up
with Deborah fans.

It's... it's too weird.

Mm, right.
Don't shit where you eat ass.

[laughs] Exactly.

Forgot the beauty
of unlimited refills.

Love a freeze-dried fruit,
you know what I mean?

I have a boyfriend.

OK.

What?

If we're gonna leave water
at the border

for these people,
we might as well

leave Spanish-to-English
dictionaries too.

Hey, hey, my peers.
What you watching?

Uh, this stand-up.

- Deborah Vance.
- Love her.

I guess someone made a supercut

of all her shitty, racist jokes.

What?

Hey, Berkeley,
is this your girl?

A majority of cars sold
in America are made in Asia.

Asians making cars?

That's like Polish people
making light bulbs.

- Shit.
- Oh, my God, she sucks.

So fucked up they're
giving her an honorary degree.

Right?

Mm, nasty, nasty stuff.

I heard the new stuff is good,
though, randomly.

Where did I... yeah.

There... was any
of the, like, progressive,

feminist stuff in there, or no?

- No.
- No, no.

I think they have that coming.

She's doing that.

That's... but would you guys
excuse me?

Oh, well, I certainly
wasn't conservative,

but I didn't love
living with hippies.

However, I do love
a good alfalfa sprout.

Hey, Deborah!

Sorry, can I just grab you
for a second?

Just want to ask you
something about your speech.

Sorry. Work thing.

Please excuse us for...
for a minute.

What is the matter with you?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

- OK, come on.
- What are you doing?

- Let go of me.
- Hey, listen to me.

So little problem.

Someone made a supercut
of some of your

more problematic older material,

and it's gaining traction,
and apparently,

some students are planning
to protest your ceremony.

[groans]

OK, which minority group
is upset?

OK, not great that
you have to ask that.

And also,
I don't think "minority"

is the proper term anymore.

- What are they called?
- No, don't say "they."

Oh, I thought
everybody was "they" now!

No, that's a different thing.

[groans] OK, just...

oh, God, this is just
the worst possible timing.

For you to be held
accountable for your actions?

Yes!

I am inches away
from my fucking dream job.

Hey, I think you're
getting off pretty easy, OK?

You're lucky that Zsa Zsa Gabor
shit is only available on VHS.

I mean, it was textbook
slut-shaming.

Well, she was a slut.

Oh, my... well, and that's...
but that's fine.

Oh, God. OK, look.

Just... we gotta squash this.

I guess.

Or you could just apologize.

Uh, no.

Deborah,
the jokes weren't great.

You wouldn't do them today.

No.
You never apologize for a joke.

I'm a comedian.

I was just doing my job.

OK, OK.

Look, it's just some
of the students, right?

Yeah.

OK, OK.

Then all I have to do
is, you know,

curry favor on campus
with the other students.

You know,
drown out the dissenters.

Make the minority voices
a minority.

That could go
right in the supercut.

I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We will go to that
fraternity party tonight.

I'll buy them supplies.

And I will do
that student improv show

that I was invited to do.

It's the perfect opportunity
to make myself look good.

[laughs] OK.

Deborah, improv has never
made anyone look good, OK?

Write that down.

[upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

♪ Top down with
the wind blowing ♪

♪ Pop on the wave motion ♪

[phone ringing]

Jimmy.

Hey, sorry I have to be
a little bit quiet.

I'm in a cancer center.

I'm about to run lines with
a client who's getting chemo.

He booked a role, which is cool.

It's on the CW show.

We hope it's gonna recur.

The role, not the cancer.

OK.

So first, I just wanted to call

and apologize again about Kayla.

I gave her a stern talking to.

She was wearing earbuds
the whole time, but I tried.

You know, what else can I do?

I also wanted to let you know
about something

the network flagged about
Deborah's merchandising deals.

What do you mean?

Obviously,
they're extremely protective

of their advertisers,

and they're concerned that
if Deborah were to become host,

she might be the face
of a competing product,

whether that be through
a one-off deal

or anything on QVC.

Wow.

OK.

And obviously, that might
not even be an issue,

but I just wanted to give you
the heads-up in case.

And I appreciate that, Jimmy.

I actually have
my hands full over here,

so I'm gonna have to jet.

OK. Cool.

Well, have a fun, safe,
and very queer weekend.

Thank you.

All right, everyone, may I have
your attention, please?

We will be ending the activation

a little bit early.

This is now
the official after-party.

Tell all your friends.

Turn up the music.

A drink. A drink.

Thank you.

Got you.

Oh.

- All right.
- I need eight more.

Don't throw things on the floor.

[indistinct chatter]

Hello?

Ms. Vance,
it is such an honor.

- I'm Zed.
- Hi, Zed.

And this is Marvelous Maddie,
Gregarious Greg,

Jolly John, Coolio Caroline,

Raunchy Rain,
and Sacrilegious Sarah.

OK. [laughs]

You done improv before?

- No.
- Totally fine.

So how this is gonna work
is basically,

we're gonna get
a suggestion from the audience,

and then you're gonna
tell a story

based on that suggestion,

and then we're gonna improvise
scenes based on that story.

And feel free to jump in
and join the fun at any time.

Fun.

So whenever you're ready,
we'll warm up.

OK. Great, great.

I'll just be right there.

OK.

When they ask
for audience suggestions,

I want you to say
"pediatric AIDS."

What?

I want you to yell
"pediatric AIDS."

See, this way I can talk
about my charity work

in front of Meena without
sounding self-aggrandizing.

You just gotta set me up.

OK, here. Take my purse.

And do not use my lipstick.

I know you're using
reverse psychology

to get me to wear lipstick.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Oh, have you played
Big Booty before?

- Can't say as I have.
- Totally fine.

Uh, we'll just do
a little Zip Zap Zop.

- Zip.
- Zap.

- Zop.
- Zip.

Zap.

The answer is no.

OK, so the thing with improv
is we try not to say no.

Instead we say "yes and"
'cause improv's all about

listening and respecting
your fellow improvisers, so...

Well, are there any other
warm-ups maybe we could try?

[chuckles] Oh, yeah.

All: Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.

Six, five, four, three,
two, one.

Three, two, one, three,
two, one, three, two, one.

Farm!

[all imitating animal noises]

Take your hands off my princess!

- Arr, shiver me timbers.
- Wild Wild West.

OK. OK. OK! OK!

High.
[all snapping]

Camp.

[together]
High camp Ba Da Da!

Deborah, is it worth it?

All: Is it worth it?

Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Is it worth it?

[chanting] Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Is it worth it?

[all vocalizing wildly]

♪ Who let the dogs out ♪

♪ Who, who, who, who ♪

♪ Who let the dogs out ♪

♪ Who, who, who, who ♪

♪ Who let the dogs out, who ♪

[music stops]

OK, everybody.
We are Bearprov.

How you feeling tonight?
[cheers and applause]

OK, make some noise
for our guest monologist

and comedy legend,
Deborah Vance!

[applause and boos]

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Yeah! [chuckles]

OK, I just need a suggestion.

- Problematic comedian.
- Pineapple.

Oh, AIDS.

I heard pineapple.

Pineapple.

Pineapple reminds me
of another prickly subject...

pediatric AIDS.

[coughs]

[Jessie Ware's "Freak Me Now"]

♪ ♪

♪ Baby, keep heating me up ♪

♪ Oh, no, don't you go
cool me down ♪

♪ Baby, keep heating me up ♪

♪ Oh, no, don't you go
cool me down ♪

♪ Baby, keep heating me up ♪

♪ Oh, no, don't you go
cool me down ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

♪ Uh-uh, freak me now ♪

♪ Baby, keep heating me up ♪

♪ Oh, no, don't you go
cool me down ♪

♪ Baby, keep heating me up ♪

[hip-hop music playing]

This is already
better than improv.

Ooh, uh, 5 bucks each.

OK, this is for me, her,

and everybody in line behind us!

[all cheering]

Deborah Vance loves to party.

Thank you.
Oh, and they're with us too.

Come on, fellas.

Hi. Hi. Oh, watch out.

Your mother's here. Ha.

Look who fucking came.

- Deborah fucking Vance.
- Ooh, hi.

You look amazing.

This is my friend Ava.

Oh, hey, cool. What's up?

What are you drinking
tonight, huh?

Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

♪ Yuh, errybody win
the lottery ♪

♪ If it's glitter
and it's gold ♪

♪ Then it's something
that I gotta see ♪

- Go, Deborah!
- Yeah!

Go, go, go, go, go.

[cheers and applause]

Who wants to order pizza?
On me!

Or should we just say fuck it
and order Chez Panisse?

No, no, no. Pizza, pizza.

I hope to see you
at my ceremony tomorrow.

♪ It's true when I say it ♪

♪ I'ma win
'cause I know who I am ♪

How old do you think I am?

I have a boyfriend.

♪ Got the whole city
swaying, yeah ♪

Love it.

I love it.

Hold my wig.

All right.

♪ Gonna win
'cause I know who I am ♪

All: Chug, chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!

[cheering]

♪ Yeah, 'cause girls
is players too ♪

♪ Uh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause girls
is players too ♪

♪ Keep it player, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause girls
is players too ♪

♪ Bitches getting' money
all around the world ♪

♪ 'Cause girls
is players too, yeah ♪

♪ 'Bout to catch
another flight, yeah ♪

♪ The apple bottom
make 'em wanna bite, yeah ♪

♪ I just wanna have
a good night ♪

♪ I just wanna
have a good night ♪

I know all four of you
are graduating,

so you need to learn
about wines.

There's Brunello.

There's Barbaresco.

And then there's the king
of Italian reds, Barolo.

Huh? Nice mouthfeel, right?

You know, Chris knows
a little something

about mouthfeel, huh?

Oh, oh! Yes! Yes!

See? We all make jokes, right?

[laughs]

[phone buzzes]
Ooh! Oh.

It's Jimmy on the phone.
Jimmy Junior.

He used to be with Latitude.

He's very good.

Hey, it's our manager!

[gasps] Jimmy!

Oh, gosh.

There's nobody in there.
OK, Jimmy.

I'm sorry
for the late-night call,

but something's going on
at the network,

and they canceled
your test show.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Fuck.
- No. No. Why?

- Did they say why?
- I don't know.

It could be because
of this supercut

a bunch of people
have sent to me.

But I'm trying to get
to the bottom of it,

and I'll call you
as soon as I do.

OK, call...
call me as soon as you know.

Yeah, I just said I would.

And then get me the info
for that crisis PR woman

I used when I groped Elmo.

OK, to the best of my knowledge,

you did not grope any
"Sesame Street" characters.

But yeah,
I'll send you Jana's info, OK?

Call me!

OK. I'll call you. Bye.

Can't believe
this is happening now!

I know.
It's really bad timing.

I finally get
an ounce of relevance.

I'm this close.

And they just want
to take it away from me again.

I'm... I'm sorry to say this,

but, I mean, you're not
the only victim here.

Oh? Oh, really?

Who's the other victim?

Someone who was
offended by a joke?

- Many jokes.
- I'm sorry.

People are
too easily offended now.

If you don't like a joke,
don't laugh!

They're not.

This is insane.

Me! I'm being taken down
by a liberal mob.

Me, who was the first person
to be fined by the FCC

for saying the word
"abortion" on TV!

- Why come after me?
- Hey, hey.

This is not a value judgment
on your entire being.

Oh, really?

They're... they're just upset

about some mistakes you made.

Jokes I made.

Jokes that everybody was doing
at the time.

Yes, and the jokes
were hurtful and shitty.

Both things can be true.

You get to be rich and famous
for making jokes,

and people are allowed to
have their reactions to them.

I mean, why not use
your comedian brain

to fight through
your defensiveness

and think outside of yourself?

Isn't that what good comics do?

Why don't you just apologize?

No.

Never apologize for a joke.

Yeah, you keep saying that,
but why not?

Because...

you just don't, OK?

Good one.

Besides, if I apologize,

it'll just add fuel to the fire.

Deborah...

I can't be woke.

- I'm exhausted!
- OK.

I know this feels like
the end of the world,

but it really isn't.

No one's actually canceled.

Don't you lecture me.

I was canceled before
there was even a name for it.

They only gave it a name after

it started happening
to powerful men.

Problem is,
I don't have the time

to go to Europe and wait it out.

I don't have any time!

And I certainly don't have
the time to stand here

debating it with you.

I have a Barolo
decanting downstairs.

Deborah,
I just think apologizing

is the right thing to do.

- [banging on door]
- Hello?

It's so easy for you to say
what's right or wrong.

It's never that simple.

One day, you'll understand that.

Can someone open the door?

[door rattling]

Nice.

- [alarm buzzes]
- Up, up, up, up!

Time to get up.
The day looks fabulous!

Up, up, up, up...

[mumbling indistinctly]

[quietly] Contacts...

D, D, D, D, D.

[gasps softly]
Deborah.

[mumbling indistinctly]

[gasps softly]
Deborah, yes.

- What are you doing?
- [gasps]

Are you going through my phone?

Nope.

725840392...

Oh, my God, are you trying
to memorize Deborah's number?

3972584...

- 22, 19, 500.
- Stop. Stop it.

- 25,600...
- No, 725...

8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 99.

- Stop! Please, just stop.
- Seven, purple...

Why are you ruining this for me?

This is why I don't hook up
with Little Debbies.

[laughs] Oh.

You're a monster.

And there is no way that these
are 800 thread count sheets.

- Goodbye.
- Oh, you little bitch.

Oh, my God!

I'm never drinking again.

Ms. Vance.

Hi.
Gloria from the dean's office.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Um, I am so sorry,

but we are going to have
to cancel the ceremony.

What? Why?

There are a number of groups
that are planning on protesting

due to a video of your material
that's been circulating.

Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of this.

After the Condoleezza Rice
incident,

we realized
it was better to cancel

to avoid any potential violence.

Smart.
She might kill someone.

We do still plan
to offer you the degree,

just in a closed-door ceremony.

At some point.

Fantastic.

Also, you have been
invited to a town hall

being hosted by a coalition
of students tomorrow.

You can go if you like.

Could be a good opportunity
to hear their grievances.

Again, I'm so sorry.

I don't know,
town hall could be a good idea.

Absolutely not.

I spoke to my crisis PR woman
this morning.

She said do not engage at all.

OK, OK.
Please, stop yelling at me.

I'm too hungover to argue.

[phone ringing]

Deborah.

I'm not gonna make it to Pride.

What?

No, no,
there's just too much going on.

And you know, apparently,
I need to lay low.

All right, I told, like,
200 gay men you were coming.

It's fine.
They'll get over it.

No, they won't, actually.

I told you this was important.

Marcus,
I do not need this right now.

This weekend has been a...

I don't want to hear it.

OK, I want you to hear me,
but of course you don't,

because you don't
fucking listen.

[sighs]

You know what? Forget it.

I'll cancel. Bye.

[big band music playing]

♪ ♪

[upbeat music playing]

- Can I grab a lemon?
- Go for it.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey.

Deborah's not gonna be able
to sign anything.

She's not coming at all.

Really?

She never misses Pride.

[sighs]
Well, can't blame her.

She's had a hell of a year.

Cheers to that.

You can kind of blame her.

You OK?

I mean, I don't know you.

This could be your personality.

I'm just pissed off.

She owes us so much,

and she's letting
everyone down, again.

Well, this is what happens.

You can't stop being a fan now
that she's got more of them.

We loved her before
anybody else did,

and she loved us before
anybody else did.

That's not nothing.

We... we just have
to share her now.

But doesn't that make you mad?

No.

It just means
we were right all along.

But nobody's ever gonna
know Deborah like we do.

She's a survivor, like us.

Well, she's always looking
out for herself, so yeah.

You know, first time I saw her,

she was performing
at a bowling alley.

It was right after the divorce,
but she was so funny about it.

And I... I was howling.

She was at rock bottom,

but somehow, it felt like
she was on top of the world.

She made me feel like
I could be on top, like...

like I could laugh at all the...

sad things that were
happening to me too.

Yeah, when I first saw her,

my dad had just died.

I'm sorry.

Well, I'm glad
you don't feel left behind.

Sometimes, left behind is good.

Cher wrote
the "Believe" album at 55.

Did she show up
at Pride that year?

[scoffs] No.

But we got the "Believe" album.

Sometimes good things come
from letting go.

[gasps]
And letting go is actually

the theme of "Strong Enough"
from the "Believe" album.

[chuckling]

Snap out of it!

[laughing]

At the tone,
please record your message.

- [phone beeps]
- Roy, it's Marcus.

Give me a call
when you get this.

I'll be coming to QVC next week,

and I'd like to talk.

[laughter]

If we're gonna leave water

at the border for these people,

we might as well leave

Spanish-to-English
dictionaries too.

[laughter]

Clarence Thomas put a pubic hair

on Anita Hill's can
of Coca-Cola,

which I find disgusting.

She should be drinking
Diet Coke.

[laughter]

An NBA player
had sex with 6,000...

[pensive music]

[bell tolling]

[indistinct chatter]

All right, let's all begin.

Thank you for joining us.

Sharing this marketplace
of ideas, right.

Hey, are you in
my foreign policy section?

No, but oh, my God,

I cannot tell you
how much that means to me.

I have a girlfriend.

What?

Damn. Y'all are wifed up.

Uh, ma'am, please.

- Let's get started.
- Sorry.

Now, this isn't
a public flogging.

This is a dialogue
for acknowledging harm

and fostering empathy.

But first, Deborah,
would you like to start us off?

Sure.

[clears throat]

Thank you for coming.

I... I had a speech prepared,

but I think I owe you
more than my explanations.

I am sorry.

I looked back at those jokes,
and I'm embarrassed.

I wish I could donate a library

or buy you all ice cream
or something.

Make it all go away.

But I can't.

Right?

OK, um...

I think I'll just listen.

Because I've said enough.

And to be totally honest,

I'm really afraid of saying
the wrong thing.

Good.
[scattered laughter]

OK, then.

Let's open up the floor.

Would anyone like to share?

You in the striped sweater.

What's up, Deborah?

You don't know me,
but we actually

have some stuff in common.

We're both obsessed with 9/11.

[laughter]
Yeah.

You got about 20 minutes' worth

of raghead and terrorist jokes
out of it,

and what my family got
was harassed.

9/11's the reason
my elbow's ashy.

'Cause TSA still confiscates
my lotion.

[laughter]

Here's the thing.
I'm not even Arab.

My family's Punjabi.

So on the one hand,
it does take the edge off

when you realize
how dumb racists really are.

But on the other,
it's like, damn, dudes,

buy a shower curtain

with the world map on it
or something.

[laughter]

Anyway, just thought
you should know.

Thank you.

Anyone else?

Uh, you in the grey shirt.

Hi. Uh, yeah.

I just wondered
if you could address

some of your ableist material.

I... I'm sorry.

What is ableist?

Why do I write the emails
if she doesn't read 'em?

[shushes]

Your jokes that made fun
of people with disabilities.

Oh, right, yes.

As someone that has dyslexia,

or as you called it, "lysdexia,"

yeah, I just thought maybe
you'd like to speak on that.

Oh, to be honest,
I didn't realize

dyslexia was a disability.

"Deborah Vance is by no means

"the obvious choice
for late night.

"Her missteps are numerous
and not entirely forgivable.

"No doubt there will be more.

"But for all Vance's
typical boomer-ness,

"there's a curiosity
that goes beyond age

"and taps into something
more human:

"our desire
to understand each other.

"Or as her writer
Ava Daniels put it,

"'A hack is someone who does
the same thing over and over.

"'Deborah is the opposite.

"She keeps evolving
and getting better.'

"Watching Vance say
the wrong thing

"makes for entertaining TV,

"but watching her engage
is even better.

"It's hard to say if
she would be the perfect host.

"But what she may offer us
is something more interesting,

"someone trying to connect
with humanity

"in her attempt to connect
with her own.

And that's worth watching."

I mean,
for a Meena Elahi article,

that's like a rave.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Um, what...
what are people saying?

Let's see.

This one guy wants you to talk
to his parents for him.

[laughs]

Ooh. OK.

This one woman is saying
you're a nasty, racist bitch.

Couple of those.

Lot of engagement, though.

That's good.
That's really... wait.

Shit.

What?

Looks like Kayla...

did actually tweet
that you got late night.

No. No...

It's really blowing up.

Jimmy, what the hell happened?

I fucking told her
not to do that!

She's not gonna force
their hand!

This is just gonna backfire!

I'm actually pulling up
to your house right now.

- You're here?
- Yes.

[dogs barking]

Is she insane?

I know. I'm so sorry.

If I wasn't fucked before,
I am now.

She shouldn't have tweeted that.

The hell was she thinking?
I'm gonna kill her!

Listen.

The network canceled
your test show

because they realized
the guest spot was the test.

[soft music]

It's you, Deborah.

You got late night.

♪ ♪

What's going on?

You're scaring the dogs.

♪ ♪

I got it.

I got... I got late night.

- What?
- What?

- Oh, my fucking God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[laughs]

♪ ♪