All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S02E06.WEBRip.x264-ION10.2_English

Felt better a week ago.

Okay, hear me out.

Maybe we're working too hard.

Maybe we need
to rest our brains.

DJ's texting you.

- How do you know?
- I can read it from here.

Your text setting is enormous.

It's like the top row
of an eye exam.

- Oh, God, it's another message
about ancestry.com.

Ever since she decided
to have a kid,

DJ's obsessed
with our family heritage.

- Oh, I did that,
and I found out

I had a second cousin
who lived an hour away

who did not wanna get coffee.

- Huh,
it appears I'm a descendant

of a person
in the Salem witch trials.

Betty Parris.

- Wait, could we use this
for the show?

Like, maybe this is
the through line

we've been looking for.

Oh, maybe.

Um, something about
how her story mirrors mine.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Umm,

beautiful, brilliant woman

blazing her own path
in a male-dominated world.

- Yes!
- Unfairly persecuted.

- Found guilty in the court
of public opinion.

- Burned at the stake.
- Yes, exactly!

Oh, this is good. This is good.

Um...oh, oh, I know.
I know how it could start.

Ooh, shoot.

What?

- Okay, it turns out
Betty Parris was actually

one of the Salem witch trial
accusers.

She and Abigail Williams kinda
kicked the whole thing off.

Lotta innocent women dead.

Her fault.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- Well, I don't need

a stupid through line
for my show.

- Not at all.
Literally dumb.

- Not my department,
and I know you hate puppets,

- but I was thinking that--
- I know.

I know.

Babe, hi.

Oh, I am in such a rut.

I need you.

Yeah.

How quickly can you get
to Memphis?

- Hi!

Thank you for the ride,

and remember,
love can be an addiction, too,

so set boundaries.

It'll be good for you and her.

I love you so much.
Bye!

- Thank you!
- Kiki!

Yay.

What else?

Oh, I got a haircut.

But it kinda grew out,
so you can't really tell.

- It's cute.
- Thank you.

And there's
this really weird smell

in Vegas right now.

No one knows what it is,

- but I think it's feet.
- Feet?

- All those shoes
people leave behind?

When I'm at my table,
girls will literally take off

their high heels, and they will
never, ever come back for them.

- No, it's true.
The Palmetto lost and found

is full
of Jessica Simpson-brand shoes.

I go a lot 'cause I keep losing
my retainer.

But don't worry.
I always find it.

- Anyway,
I'm just happy to be here.

I've always wanted to visit,
and I love Memphis music.

- Wait, really? Like what?
Like--like Elvis?

- No, like Three 6 Mafia,
Pooh Shiesty, Project Pat,

Young Dolph, Yo Gotti,
NLE Choppa.

Really? Hello!

Oh, Deborah, that's 24.
I'm sorry.

Yes, I can count.

- Hm.
- Ugh!

Damn it.

I need this to get back

into my pre-show rhythm.

Come on, bust, bust, bust,
bust, bust, bust.

- Ava wins.
- Shh.

- Oh, Deborah's suing me.

Stop trying to cheer me up.

- Um, not to add more
to your plate,

but you should know
that Axel is here.

- Axel Axel?
- Yes.

Apparently,
his restraining order lapsed

- a couple years ago.
- Sorry,

but who is Axel Axel?

- One of Deborah's stalkers.
- One of?

How many stalkers do you have?

Living? 12.

Mm, 11.

Donna died.

Oh, she did?

Oh, she was sweet.

What an athlete.

She scaled that 30-foot pergola
like it was nothing.

I mean, seriously,

my little sister
steals my husband.

She used to just steal
my dolls.

But seriously, that--

that was the worst feeling
in the world.

And I once bombed so bad
at a USO show,

they put me on the No Fly List.

- So for tomorrow,
we have requests

for two radio interviews.

One's with
"Gonzo and the Bean."

Let's do the other one.

Wait a second.
Where's--where's Axel?

Where's Axel?

Is that him?

Is he leaving?

Hey, Axel.

Wait. Ax--Axel!

Axel! Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, Axel, Axel, Axel.

- Oh, wow! Hi!
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Deborah.

Hi.

How you doing?

- I'm doing better.
Thank you for asking.

Got my own apartment.

Just started working
at Best Buy.

- Good, good, good, good.
So, um...

did you--did you see the show?

Yeah, yeah.

It was good.

- It was different.
- Yeah, it's a whole--

it's a whole different thing,
so...

what'd you think?

- I mean,
you're always great to watch.

I don't know, it just wasn't
the Deborah Vance I'm used to.

- Oh, you mean
the Deborah Vance that you sent

a Ziploc bag
full of pubic hair to?

I don't do that anymore.

There were some funny jokes,
but--but--

it just...

it was kind of a bummer,

and I didn't really expect that
from you.

I miss the Deborah
who takes everyone down.

Yeah. Huh.

Well, nice to see you, Axel.

- Oh, quick question
while I have you.

Do you know
if Chelsea Handler still lives

in Brentwood, California?

No, I don't,

and I wouldn't tell you
even if I did.

- You know,
she never visits Chuy's grave.

- Goodbye, Axel.

- Oof,
it's so scary having a stalker.

Oh, you kinda get used to it.

- Someone obsessed with you
who could just show up

at any moment.

- Ava!
- Oh!

- Mom.

- What are you doing here?
- Well, you said the tour

was in Memphis
for a couple nights,

and you said--you said
it would be fun if I visited.

- Those were
two different conversations,

but hi.

- Oh, honey.
Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Hi, I'm Kiki.
- Hi.

- Oh, uh--uh, Kiki,
this is my mom, Nina.

Mom, this is my friend Kiki.

A friend!

Oh, Kiki,
it's so nice to meet you.

Ava's never mentioned you.

I did, actually.

No, it's okay.

I'm kinda hard
to describe anyway.

Kinda have to experience it.

- I love your hair.
- Oh, thanks.

Well, they're extensions.

- No, I--I know that.

- Well, hello.
- Hi. Oh, Deborah.

- Hi.
- It's so good to see you.

- Hi. How are you?
This is fun.

I didn't know
that you were coming to visit.

No one did. No one did.

So, uh, Mom, Kiki and I were
gonna go to a bar,

but I guess we can
get you settled at the hotel.

- Oh, no.
No, let's go out.

We can all go, right?

- Um, no,
Deborah doesn't wanna go--

Oh, I need to.

My own stalker
just ran away from me.

I could use a couple of drinks.

- Whoo! Girls' night out!

- Yeah, that's what

just two friends,
someone's mom, and their boss.

- I'm someone's mom
too, actually.

- So am I.
- Well, moms' night out then.

- Plus Ava.
- Whoo!

- There you go.
Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

- Why aren't you and your
daughter's father together?

- We were for a little bit,
but we just annoy each other,

so I couldn't live with him.

I--but I love him.
I love him as a co-parent.

- Well,
how do your parents feel

about you not being married?

I mean, aren't Asian families
very traditional?

- Mom.
- No, it's cool.

I love nosy people.
Uh, yeah, obviously,

they're not in love
with the fact

that we're not married,
but, you know,

they're happy that we got Luna.

Was it hard
raising an only child?

Because Luna keeps asking me
for a little sister,

and I don't know!

Oh, no, no. It was fine.

And-and Ava was
more than enough to handle.

- And she turned out great.
- Yeah.

- But only because
I worked very hard

to make sure
she was never lonely.

- Actually, I was so lonely,
I used to draw faces

on our pillows
and talk to them.

- Oh, yeah.
She ruined so many pillows.

But it gave her a great
sense of humor, I guess.

- Oh, I don't think
Luna's gonna be funny.

She's really comfortable
with herself.

Okay, okay.

- Thank you.
- Oh, Deborah, thank you.

You didn't get anything?

I couldn't carry it all.

Two vodka rocks?

Those are for me. Thank you.

- Oh, my God.
- Whoo!

- Thank you, thank you.
- So, Deborah,

how's the big show going?

Eh, not great.

- No, it's great.
It's great.

- Yeah, you're being too hard
on yourself.

I mean, the show doesn't need
to be a laugh a minute.

- It's not about laughs.
It's-it's a feeling, you know?

I can tell when the audience
isn't fully with me,

and they're not.

You haven't been up there
4 million times.

You can't hear it
the way I can.

- I relate to that so much,
Deborah.

When I'm doing a pitch,

I can always tell
when they're not gonna buy.

Uh, what?

- Oh, my God, I forgot.
- A pitch?

I forgot to tell you.

I got a job.
I'm a Vibamins rep.

I'm selling all-natural
health and beauty supplements.

- Well, that's interesting.
Good for you.

- Thank you.
Uh, you could do it too, Ava.

You could find people
on the road to work for you.

- Work for me?
- Mm-hmm.

Hold on. Is this an MLM?

A what? No, no, no, no.

No, it's an effervescent
vitamin tablet--

- No, no, no, like,
the more people you recruit,

the more money you make?

Yeah, well, of course.

What?

Mom, that's a pyramid scheme.

No! That's impossible.

- It's on Facebook.
- Oh, my God.

- Mom!
- What? What are you saying?

- What did I say?
- Hey, Deborah--

Deborah and I are gonna
take a lap.

- Mm.
- Be right back.

- It's women-owned, Ava.

It's an innocent thing.

I'm making a lot of money,

and so is
the whole neighborhood.

Hazel Smith who lives next door
is so excited.

Her husband's a little upset
about the $30,000,

but she's really thrilled.

- I mean, sure,
I have the money,

but I--I don't wanna go
to space.

- Ugh, no.
I never wanna go to space.

I do not wanna feel like
a grain of sand.

- No.
- No.

- Deborah?
- Mm?

- There is a guy
staring at you.

- People stare at me
all the time--I'm famous.

No, no, no, no, no.

These are "fuck me" eyes,

not "I've seen you
on 'The View'" eyes.

Oh, God. You're insane.

He could be my son.

- Never know.
Why don't you go say hi?

- Follow the fun.
- Absolutely not.

What?

What?

- Have fun.

- No.
- Bye.

- Hi.
- Oh, Christ.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Where'd your mom go?

- Oh, she got upset
that I thought

she's in a pyramid scheme,
which she is--

- Yeah, she is.
- She went to go ride the bull.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

- Huh.
- This whole thing is so weird.

- Well, it's nice
that she wanted to visit.

I guess.

But sometimes it's hard
to have, like, casual fun

when we never talk
about the real stuff

that could
actually make us close.

But that'll never happen.

- Well, I don't know.
Maybe it could.

Like, it's just
the two of you now,

and she did come all this way.

This could be a good time
for a fresh start.

Yeah.

- Maybe you're right.

- She's certainly showing
new sides of herself.

- Whoo-hoo! Ava!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

- Oh!
- Ooh.

Whoo, Ava! Kiki!

- Oh, she's--
- Oh, she's good. Yeah, yeah.

Whoo!

- Where's Deborah?
- Oh, she's about

to get her titties sucked
by a 40-year-old.

I didn't know attractive people
could be so funny.

- Oh, we can.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yes, yes.
No, it's a myth

that we want ugly people
to believe

- just to keep the peace.

- People don't like you
to have both.

- Well,
I like that you have both.

- Well,
I like that you have one.

Well, which one's that?

I'm not gonna tell you yet.

- Oh, no?

Okay. Okay.

So what do you do?

You really don't know?

No. Should I?

No.

Why are you talking to me?

Oh, wow, uh...

I think you're attractive.

Oh, God.

What, what?

You have a fetish
for older women?

I guess I do.

I like older women.

That a bad thing?

- Huh?
- I don't wanna think about it.

Wow.

Bold.

- You just asked me if I had
a fetish for older women.

So I think you're bold.

- Well,
I guess we're both bold.

I guess we're both bold.

- You wanna come back
to my place?

- So it's
a different driver every time?

Yeah.

It's just like a taxi.

You'll never see him again.

- See, they're hard,

those cards.

Like, whatever happened
to keys?

I don't understand.

The bed.

All right.
We should order a movie.

Do they--wait, do they have
"Pretty Woman"?

- Mom, no.
It's late and you're drunk.

I don't wanna start a movie.

- I am not drunk.

All right.

Hey, um, Mom,

what about tomorrow morning,
we get some breakfast?

I read about this place,
Mary's Pancake House.

We could, you know, catch up
and talk for real.

Oh, yeah. I love that idea.

- Okay, great.

They do!
They do have "Pretty Woman"!

I'm hitting play.

Oh, God.

He is so ha--handsome.

So I moved down too.

Got a job at FedEx.

Benefits are good.

Get to see my kids every week.

- That's nice.

Thank you.

- Mmm.

Ah, beer.

I remember you.

How'd you get this scar?

- Oh.

When I was a kid,

there was a bully
in our neighborhood

who was chasing
my little sister

on his bike.

So I tackled him.

- You tackled him?

That's sweet.

You guys close?

We were.

Then she ran off
with my husband.

Jesus Christ, you're kidding?

- Mm-mm.

That's fucking crazy.

How could they do that to you?

- Truth be told,
it wasn't entirely their fault.

I think they both felt
neglected because I cared

more about my career
than I did about them.

Ah.

Let's not talk about that.

Yeah.

You want a massage?

- Let's leave that
to the professionals.

Wow.

Are you too tired?

No.

This is crazy.

Go with it.

- Okay.

Mmm.

- Mm, oh.

Come back later, please.

Mom?

- I'm just getting back
from breakfast, and here,

I got your favorite,
chocolate chip pancakes.

They're so good.

Wait. You went without me?

The whole point was for us
to go together.

Why didn't you wake me up?
I set my alarm.

- I turned it off.
You looked so tired.

- I looked tired
while I was sleeping?

- Yeah, plus I know how much
you love sleeping in.

You were addicted to it
when you were a teenager.

I was clinically depressed.

No, you weren't!

That was an iron deficiency

because you went vegetarian.

Happy people eat steak, Ava.

Bridget, down the street,
she's a happy girl.

She plays field hockey
and eats two steaks a week.

- Okay.
- Okay, good.

Um, so will--will you listen

to my practice pitch
to Deborah?

- Pitch to Deborah?
Mom, no.

Deborah's not interested
in Vibamins.

She was just being nice.

She said it was interesting.

Aren't you always telling me

to believe women?

It's exhausting, but we do.

Okay, uh,
will you help me move the desk?

Maybe I-I'll stand over here.

- Okay, Deborah.

You're someone who knows
how important self-care is.

This is our best-selling
collagen balm.

It is five times
the daily recommended intake

of collagen, plus there is
turmeric and seaweed in it.

- Why?
- I don't know, Ava.

I'm a saleswoman,
not a scientist.

Shoot, um, could--could you
hand me a bottle of water?

I should have that ready to go
next time.

Okay. All right.

So in three to five minutes,

you have
a delicious raspberry--

- Oh!
- Oh, no!

- Mom!
- Oh, shoot! Oh!

- Fuck.
- Oh, God, oh, God, okay.

- This is the notebook
we use for Deborah's show.

- It's all our work!
- You gave me sparkling water!

- So it's my fault?
You're not even gonna apologize

for getting it
all over the notebook?

- How was I supposed to know
this was sparkling?

- It's Perrier!
It's always sparkling!

- It's famously sparkling water!
- Well, I don't sit around

in fancy hotels
drinking fancy water.

- I can't believe you won't
just say you're sorry.

Okay! I'm sorry!

But that's just a notebook!

I mean, if it's good enough,
you'll remember it.

- That's not how it works.
- Look--oh, wait, here.

- Here's some papers.
- No, not those!

Wait. What is this?

Wait, Ava, "Vance v. Daniels"?

Um, Deborah...

is suing me.

Ava.

What did you do?

What did I do?

Why do you assume I'm the one
who did something wrong?

- Because that's usually
the case.

Oh, my God.

Is she gonna come after me?

- It has nothing to do
with you, Mom.

- Oh.
- What are you doing?

- No, I'm-I'm calling
your cousin Randall.

He went to Suffolk Law.

Randall?

He took two night classes

in paralegal studies.

- He can't help us.
- Hi, sweetie.

It's Auntie--yeah,
it's your Auntie Nina.

- Terrible!
- Mom.

Hello, boys.

Uh...

You're sitting on my fur.

Oh, oh, shit. Sorry.

That's quite all right.

Have a nice day.

- Holy shit.

- Do you know who that was?
- No.

That's Deborah Vance.

We have her spice rack.

Oh, my God.

I-I gotta go call my mom.

You're leaving already?

Oh, well, you know,

I like to get to the airport
four hours ahead of time.

And I was hoping to get a nap
on the plane,

but I don't think
that's gonna happen now

'cause I'm gonna be worrying
about this lawsuit.

And you know,
I can barely sleep at home

because Mr. Cream Pie does
zoomies all night.

Mom, don't worry about me.

I...

I have an amazing lawyer
who's doing it pro bono.

Yeah, she's--

I mean, he is really confident

he can get it dismissed.

Oh, really?

Oh, good.

Oh, good, good.

Somebody knows
what they're doing?

Yes. It's okay.

He's tall too.

Here.

Don't forget your Vibamins.

Oh, no. Those are for you.

You probably don't want them.

I just have all this time

on my hands now.

And I was hoping that you would
just be proud of me

for doing something.

I am proud of you, Mom.

You're...

a girlboss.

Oh, oh.

They--they put that
on a T-shirt

if you hit your volume quota.

I bet.

- Hey, if you're willing
to get to the airport

only three hours ahead of time,
we could finish "Pretty Woman."

Really? Oh, good. Oh, good.

Oh, good.

You know, this is how
your father and I met.

- You were a prostitute?

- Hell yeah.
- Ava.

I was there with my girlfriend,
Joyce Petracelli,

and he was there
with Joyce's brother,

and so we ended up
sitting together.

Oh. Did he like the movie?

- Oh, he fell asleep.

How much is this, Marie?

Yeah, that sounds like him.

- Oh, I do miss him falling
asleep everywhere.

- Look,
I got money to spend in here.

- He was really good at it.
- Yeah.

- You're obviously
in the wrong place.

Please leave.

Sorry I'm late.

Did I miss Kiki?

- Yeah, she went home.
- Oh.

Where's your mom?

She out getting
her belly button pierced?

Maybe.

- Did you guys have
a good time?

Uh, not really.

It was mostly just yelling
and watching "Pretty Woman."

Ah..

Did you have nice time?

- I did.
- Okay, pop off, slut.

- Ladies and gentlemen--
- Oh, nope, sorry.

- That's not--
- Deborah Vance!

Whoo!

Go, girl!

- You--you laugh.

My sister stole my husband.

I thought it was bad enough
when she just stole my dolls.

That--that was truly
the worst feeling in the world.

And I...

Actually, no, it wasn't.

It actually wasn't
the worst feeling in the world.

The worst feeling in the world
was losing a late-night show.

I'm serious!

That was absolutely the worst.

I mean,
I had the opportunity to host

my own late-night TV talk show.

I would've been the first woman
ever to do that.

But it never aired.

And that had been my dream,

and I was so close.

I got over my husband,
but I never got over that.

No joke. I-I-I was a wreck.

At one point,
my little girl came up to me

and she asked
if it was her fault.

And I said, "No, honey.

"Of course not.
I mean, the network loved you.

It just"...

And she said--was like,

"No, I mean when you and Daddy
got divorced."

Oh, that!

Hey, sir, how 'bout you?

What is the worst thing
that's ever happened to you?

- Um, I guess it's when
my mom died of cancer.

Cancer. That is a sad one.

And I'm sorry.

But let me ask you a question.

If you had one wish,

would you rather bring your mom
back to life...

or host a late-night talk show?

- I would bring my mom
back to life.

See, I can't relate to that!

Are you crazy?

We're talking
11:30 time slot here.

Syndication.

- Deborah Vance, everybody!

- That was amazing.
- Yeah, that was it.

That was it, I've been doing
this woe-is-me shit,

and--and I need to balance it.

I need to make more fun
of myself.

Okay, but the whole point

was to stop making yourself
the butt of the joke.

- No, but I was never
the butt of the joke.

It was a caricature of myself
that was.

- Yeah, but you shouldn't be
the punching bag.

- I mean, you were mistreated.
- No, I know.

I've still got
plenty of that stuff.

No, no, no, but listen,

I have to admit
what I did wrong too.

You said it yourself.

I have to hold myself
accountable.

What? When did I say that?

In your stupid email.

I am a bully who's been
thinking of myself

as the victim.
I mean, people like me

because I take everyone down,
right?

Well,
I need to take myself down too,

in a real way.

Right. Right.

- 100%.
- Yeah, no, no.

Don't need that.
Don't need that.

No more, no more.

If it's good,
we'll remember it.

You had the answer months ago.

Why didn't you just tell me?

All right.

- Yeah, that premise thing--

but I think--wait.
But it's a little wordy.

See, if you cut out...
just end it there.

- How many women do you have

to care about to be a feminist?

I mean, what if I only care
about one woman?

Me!

I wasn't a great mother.

I missed
my daughter's first steps.

But I made it up to her.

I was the reason
she did 12 more.

So then my doctor told me

I have to choose between
breastfeeding and formula.

Do I want to bond with my baby,

or do I want to keep
my perfect breasts?

So I turned to my husband
and I said,

"Go to the grocery store."

- Okay, so I really think we go
into this part after--

- No, no, I'm adding
the parent-teacher story there.

So one day, DJ had
a parent-teacher conference,

but I had a gig in D.C.,

so I sent Bill,
my drag impersonator.

Anyway,
DJ was scarred for life,

but I crushed at Liberty Hall.

And then I can go
into--into the Susan stuff.

I erased her name.

I've always been so competitive
with other women.

I mean, I once stole
backup dancers from Cher.

I'm a comedian!
I don't use backup dancers.

- Oh, oh, you can punch that
with, "They were my"...

Backup backup dancers.

- So I was court-ordered
to see a psychologist.

After only two sessions,

I needed to have sex with him.

Yeah, most people have an hour
with their therapist.

I got three minutes.

Or, "Ironically,

he was the one therapist
who never asked"...

- And how did that
make you feel?

- And you could be like,
"I didn't even know

- the tissue box was for crying."

I didn't even know
the tissue box was for crying.

I thought it was for cleanup.

- I wear high heels
that hurt my back,

most of my meals
are 75% lettuce,

and I get skin treatments
that make my face bleed.

Not only do I not regret that,

I hate women
who don't make the effort.

I think they're quitters.

You think it's brave
showing your bare face

and gray hair in society?

Try signing a waiver
that says you might die

during elective surgery.

Now that takes guts!

- Thank you!

- Holy shit. That was amazing.
- So good.

- We got it.
Marcus, you're gonna call Jimmy,

you're gonna cancel
the showcase.

Wait, wait. What?

- This isn't a residency.
This is bigger than Vegas.

This is a special.
We're gonna go to the networks

and we're gonna sell it.

We're going to LA, baby!

Fun.